How To Stay In Control! Even When Conversations Turn Emotional

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Here's the truth.

You can't control another person's emotions, but you can control how much power their emotions have over you.

Today, I'm going to teach you how to stay in control, even when the conversation turns emotional.

All that and more coming right up.

Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything.

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It's a promise by me to make sure that I continue to deliver good quality content.

And if you listen to this episode and if you subscribe to this podcast, I will make you a better communicator.

And that is my promise.

Thank you so much for listening.

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Now, I will be the first to admit I have trouble sometimes in conversation when the other person gets emotional.

That's me being honest and transparent with you.

If somebody is getting really emotional, whether it's anger, meaning they escalate in anger, or maybe they're really sad and they're crying a whole lot, or maybe they feel really closed off or they're having big emotions, that's hard for me to process sometimes.

Throughout this episode, I want you to see the conversation between me and you, or you and another person, as you two in a circle, in a enclosed, confined space.

But let's give it some room.

Let's not be claustrophobic.

Give yourself some space.

That it's this preserved bubble that you're in, that is a circle.

And whether or not, how much space do you have in this conversation for emotion?

Like I said, sometimes I have a hard time with that.

I tend to be

somebody who can sometimes see emotions as a distraction to the the point or the goal or the finish line of what I'm wanting to communicate.

And sometimes that's good.

As an attorney, that's how we're taught.

I can have clients that are very emotional right in front of me and it won't affect me at all.

And there are some times that, yeah, I get pulled on my heartstrings and I want to help and I'm there.

And there are other times where it is, it's just part of the process because I've seen.

a lot of emotion.

People come to me and a lot of trial attorneys can relate to this.

They're seeing, I'm seeing them at some of the lowest, hardest points of their life.

And so it's also a sign of strength for me to say, I can take on your emotion.

I can be here with you.

And at the same time, I can still be empathetic without trying to make you feel worse or make it feel like you shouldn't feel this way.

So there's some part of it where emotion is just part of the game.

Or I might be deposing a witness.

asking questions and they start to cry.

That's part of it.

So sometimes I have to see through that emotion.

That's professionally.

And relationship side, that's just part of the life.

That's part of the relationship is to be vulnerable with those emotions of how you're feeling.

And I'm definitely not going to talk to a witness when they're going through some time of emotion.

I'm going to talk with my wife or my mom or my dad or my siblings or my kids.

So it's...

It's understanding context, it's understanding the environment.

So let's call that the bubble in this.

So admittedly, sometimes I have trouble with that.

That's just me being honest.

And there are other times where despite me having difficulty sometime, I can tell you how to control your own self in the conversation, even when they get emotional.

And I don't do this.

I'm not telling you this in some kind of hidden trick way or there's some kind of Jedi mind trick.

There's not.

There's just very simple key things I want you to keep in mind when somebody else on the other side is starting to get emotional.

So I want you to kind of nod nod your head right now if that's you you feel like when other people get emotional in the conversation you don't know how to process that maybe you get you tense up maybe you freeze maybe you want to distance yourself from it you're not really sure how to do it and you're you feel awkward all of a sudden i want to reassure you that's totally normal all right i can i can relate to that to some extent so i want to help you through this in this episode so here we go you ready number one what i want you to do when it comes to maintaining control when the other person gets emotional is to understand first, before you start even assessing the other person, understand your own physical cues.

And I mean physical.

So understand

how in that moment their emotions affect your physical.

Meaning, do you find that your face scrunches up like I'm doing right now?

Do you find that your body or your neck tenses up?

Regardless of the emotion that they're showing.

Let's not go into the details yet.

Let's keep it surface and then we'll go deep.

What happens when you perceive any kind of emotion?

Because most of the time, whether it's happy or sad, we still have a physical reaction to it, from whatever emotion that they're showing.

So maybe you scoot away.

Maybe your head looks away because you don't want to face it.

Maybe you feel like you

maybe you clench your fists.

I was thinking of the word, I didn't know the, I forgot the word, you clench your fists in some extent.

We all have a physical reaction and your job right now is to think of yours to just five seconds.

What tends to be your first gut reaction when somebody on the other side of you gets emotional?

For me,

I find that often

It's difficult for me to keep eye contact with them because I don't want them to feel that they're

on the witness stand or they are on this pedestal or they are

all eyes are on them.

And sometimes eye contact makes it harder on the other person.

So maybe I might avoid my eyes.

Sometimes I can shut down.

In other words, I'm going to distance myself a little bit because I don't want to be maybe too strong in the conversation.

So that tends to be sometimes that that happens.

Somebody gets really, really emotional in the conversation.

And it also depends, which I'm hearing you saying right now, is Jefferson, it depends what kind of emotion they're showing.

And I understand that.

If it's sadness and the other person is very sad and let's say they're crying a whole lot, I don't know really how to deal with that.

What I can tell you is that it's not helpful if you try to avoid it and distance.

Why?

Because it makes them feel all the more isolated.

Instead, you have to get comfortable.

with understanding your physical cues and being comfortable around what they're doing.

And that sadness, that shows empathy, that shows sympathy, that shows that their emotions aren't scaring you off.

If it's anger that they're showing,

different story, because what happens?

We typically hold our breath and then we start to prepare to run, to yell, to fight back.

We're just to fight or fight fully on board.

We don't know if we want to throw hurtful words, escalate the behavior.

So, what is the main key that drives this is your physical cues.

Your body will almost always betray you in that way.

You ever heard when somebody goes, what's, you seem like you're mad and you're like, I don't know.

I'm not mad.

Like, okay, well, your, your face and your voice say you do.

It's because your body knows.

Regardless of what you say in your mind, your body knows.

And sometimes it will betray you that way in ways that you're not expecting.

So number one, understand your physical cues.

If you don't know naturally what you do when you're feeling the emotions of somebody else,

ask ask a friend.

Ask your closest friend, a partner, a spouse, a parent.

Say, hey, when things get emotional, what do you see that I tend to do?

Ask them that question, and I promise you'll learn something.

It's going to help you.

Why do you want to know your physical cues?

Because that is step one.

If you cannot control your physical cues, if you do not know what's happening to your body in that moment, then I cannot help you.

Then nobody can help you.

Then you will not have control when the other person gets emotional.

If you cannot at least acknowledge and identify what your physical cues are.

Cool?

Okay, number two.

I want you to start using phrases in your head that ground you.

That sounds woo-woo.

It's not.

I promise it's not.

I do it, and I'm not a woo-woo fan.

So

what does that mean?

Use phrases in your head to ground yourself.

We're going to talk to ourselves and use phrases when the other person's getting emotional that help us stay in the moment.

When I say present, I mean my mind is not off somewhere else.

I am here.

I am focused in on what is happening in front of me.

I am not in the past.

I am not in the future.

I am right here in this moment.

There is no other point in time that will ever be the same as when I am listening to you right now.

And I might need to use phrases that I'm going to say to myself that you and I are going to work out together that are going to be personal to you that are going to help you make sure and realize that your feet are planted.

So, wherever you are right now, if you're listening, maybe you're standing, maybe you're walking, maybe you're in your car, I want you to just like wiggle your toes.

Remember those guys?

Yeah, maybe you forgot that they were there.

Wiggle them for a second.

Okay, cool.

Now, just keep them still.

I want to just put this image of grounding.

So, just push your feet, if you can't, into the ground.

The soles of your feet, of your shoes, your socks, feel it in in the ground.

That is you planted in that moment.

So what we're going to do, we're going to use phrases that help you.

And I'm going to share with you two of mine.

All right.

Number one, when somebody's getting emotional, what I say to myself is the same thing that I say if I find that I'm getting defensive.

Because often if there's anger in front of me, that emotion, I want to pick it up.

So what do I ground myself with?

I use the phrase, put it down, Jefferson.

I'm not kidding.

I immediately would go, put it down, Jefferson.

Put it down.

Put it down.

I think of my son picking something off the ground.

And I'm like,

let go of that.

You don't need to be picking up this.

I don't know.

It could be whatever kids pick up.

It's best that they not.

So you name it.

Where I just go in my head, put it down, Jefferson.

That's not yours to carry.

That's not yours to pick up.

It is not yours.

It is their emotion.

Don't pick it up.

You can see it.

You can acknowledge it.

I say, put it down, Jefferson.

So right now, just say it to yourself, whatever your name is, put it down.

See how that feels to you.

You're going to come up maybe with your own personal phrase that feels good to you to remind you to drop it.

Drop it.

Don't take on their emotion.

You are here in the present, grounded, without trying to add anything else to it.

Another that I like, another that I like, is I will say to myself, there is space for this.

There is space for this.

Meaning, if I'm in a conversation with somebody who's starting to get emotional, whether it's sadness or anger, I grind myself with the phrase, there is space for this, meaning two things can be true at the same time.

I can have my emotions and they can have their emotions and two things can be true at the same time.

Both emotions can be true.

Doesn't mean either one is right.

It doesn't mean either one is less valid than the other.

Two things can be true at the same time.

There There is space for both of this.

So maybe I'm mad, right?

And maybe my wife is really sad,

or vice versa.

It doesn't mean that either one of us is on a bad playing field.

It means that there is space for both of this.

Or maybe I am having a conversation with

an attorney.

who's really grinding my gears and this attorney is getting heated.

Well, I know that's coming from a purpose and a reason.

I'm not going to let that control me.

For me to control myself and control the conversation, even when they start to get emotional, is to remind myself there's space for this.

There's enough room.

So that goes back to the circle that we talked about, this bubble.

So if there's space for it, we're going to widen that enough.

The circle between me and you right now, there's enough space.

If there's not, then we have to widen our circle.

That means if there's not enough space, it means that bubble doesn't include both of us.

It only includes me.

And if that's the case, then that's a conversation

we're going to have to rethink from the very beginning because that's a conversation you don't really want to be in.

And that's a conversation that the other person doesn't deserve you in.

So, because that's not a two-way connection.

You feel me?

So, when you are both in the bubble, the circle of communicating, it's okay for you to ground yourself, to make sure you have control, to say, there is space for this.

Those are two of my favorites.

Now, you can make any phrase that you want.

That's totally up to you.

Totally up to you.

A phrase that's going to ground you.

There is no right answer.

There is no wrong answer.

It is simply a reminder of, I am here.

This emotion is valid.

Or this emotion I see.

This emotion I observe.

Rather than...

taking it and knitting it into a sweater and then putting it on deciding that that's now your emotion too and you're going to get worked up about it.

All right.

That's how to continue to maintain control, even when they get emotional.

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And now, back to the episode.

Number three, what I want you to stand in line with here is that even when they get emotional, there is a boundary.

There is a boundary.

That is a boundary that protects you.

In the word, they don't really have to do anything.

So that means if they're starting to raise their voice, and this really goes for things that are negative.

In other words, it's anger, it's rage, it's frustration, irritation that they're trying to put on you.

They're trying to color you in those emotions.

When that kind of thing happens, you put up a boundary with that.

What I mean is, first off, we're not going to mirror what you see.

If they start to get angry, we're not going to mirror that.

If they start to raise their voice and their level is level six, that doesn't mean you're going to see it as a competition or raise it to level eight.

That's not maintaining control.

That is simply giving away your control.

That means the louder they get, the more steady your voice will be.

That means the faster they go, the slower your voice is going to sound.

And I promise you, you will always sound more in control of that conversation than the other person.

What happens is they're going to eventually regulate to come back down.

So, how do you maintain that boundary?

Here's some phrases that I like.

One is: I set up this framework that

I do not X, Y, Z.

If you continue to X, Y, and and Z, then this is the end of the conversation for me.

For example,

I don't respond to somebody who's yelling at me.

If you continue to yell and raise your voice, this is the end of the conversation.

Simple as that.

Simple boundary.

Now

it's, if they want to continue to talk, now they know the rules of the game, the rules of play.

I don't respond to disrespect.

If you continue to talk with me in that tone, this is the end of the conversation for me.

That's still a boundary, every bit of a boundary.

You can still be there for their emotions.

You still can be there to observe them, but also maintain your own sense of self-worth and self-respect, making sure that that doesn't get diluted or watered down.

Another that I really like is I'm willing to talk, not be talked over.

Or I'm willing to talk.

And I'm not willing to talk like this.

That's one of my favorites.

Because

what I'm doing is I'm using and, not but.

This is how my weird brain goes.

So if I say,

I'm willing to talk, but not like this,

that but deletes I'm willing to talk.

I think it's stronger, my professional opinion, of I'm willing to talk and I'm not willing to talk like this.

So it's very clear

of what I'm willing to do and what I'm not willing to do.

And you can shorten it however you like.

I'm not trying to be super nitpicky.

It's going to be whatever is right for you.

Maybe you want to say, I'm not comfortable continuing to talk like this.

If we continue to talk this way,

I'm going to need a break.

I'm going to need a timeout.

Those are boundaries to protect.

you.

So even when they start to get overly emotional, that is you maintaining control in the conversation.

They're short, they're simple, they are there to help you.

And if the other person abides by them, they're also there to help the other person as well, no matter what motion tends to bubble up on the surface.

So when somebody's getting emotional in the conversation and you're not really sure what to do, what do we talk about?

Number one, you're going to maintain and understand and identify your own physical cues.

What is happening to you and your body?

Your body will drive the train.

Number two, you're going to find yourself grounding in that moment, staying planted and present by using phrases that help remind you to do that.

Like there's space for this.

Two things can be true at the same time.

I can be mad and they can be sad and that's okay.

Three, don't let yourself be walked over.

If you need to hold a boundary, do not let their emotions all of a sudden become your emotions.

Don't let them just take a stamp and stamp you with them and say, you have to also be upset if I'm upset.

I've seen that too sometimes in people who in relationships, they feel like, I just want you to argue with me.

I want you to be mad like I'm mad.

They want you to show some kind of emotion to see if it's to feel something.

Be very careful with that because often that's just a manipulation technique.

That's a technique that they want to self-soothe in some way because they are dependent on

your match.

of emotion that may or may not be healthy for you.

I'm not saying that you have to be somebody who's closed off and you totally shut them out.

That's not what I'm saying, whatsoever.

At the same time, I'm not saying that you have to be someone of just because they're mad, well, now you have to be mad.

That's also just as unhealthy.

So, watch out for that.

All right, go forth and go do good things.

As always, you can try that and follow me.