You’ve Been Talking All Wrong in Difficult Conversations

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Speaker 3 There are three conversation landmines I have to make sure you avoid. This episode of the Jefferson Fisher podcast is going to be served to you hot and ready.

Speaker 3 So we're just going to get right to it, right to the points. I don't even feel like doing an intro today.
That's how I feel about this.

Speaker 3 Now, before I dive into these three tips that you have to have in everyday conversation to avoid conflict, I got to tell you first about Cozy Earth.

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Speaker 3 And now let's get back to that episode. Three landmines that I want you to avoid in conversations.
Why? Because they are adding fuel to conflict. How do we do that?

Speaker 3 Number one, what I want you to do is to avoid the you statements. That's what we're going to talk about.

Speaker 3 Two, I want you to not weaken your sentences before they even start, meaning you're going to, we have this tendency to add disclaimers to what we're going to say, causes conflict.

Speaker 3 And number three, above all else, using the power of a reframe. And I'm going to show you the secret as to how using a reframe leads to better conversations every single time.
You ready? Let's go.

Speaker 3 I'm feeling it. Number one, you know this, and if you don't know this, it's good that you know.

Speaker 3 The power of

Speaker 3 the first word out of your mouth.

Speaker 3 We often say the power of, this is one to add, the power of the first word out of your mouth, huge impact, huge. If I were to say you,

Speaker 3 you need to do this, you need to listen, you know what you should do? You should do.

Speaker 3 You need to, you always, you never, the you, you, you, you, you. What does it do? It puts you, the other person, in a defensive posture to where they go, me?

Speaker 3 Me? How about you? And it just sends the missile right back at them. It becomes the ping-pong.
It becomes the civil war. It becomes

Speaker 3 this horrible gasoline on a fire that just explodes it out of nowhere. So what's the solution? Rather than beginning with the word you, begin with the word I.
I need to feel like I'm being heard.

Speaker 3 I feel upset when you do this. I feel confused when you do this.

Speaker 3 I feel hurt, confused, upset, frustrated. Use words that express feeling rather than using that feeling internally to simply say you do X, Y, and Z.

Speaker 3 So rather than acting on that feeling, you are expressing that feeling. Rather than emoting that feeling within yourself, you are, when you claim it, you what? You control it.

Speaker 3 Number two, stop using disclaimers. before you say anything in your sentence.
When you have this way of saying,

Speaker 3 I don't mean any disrespect, but,

Speaker 3 you know, I could be wrong about this, but

Speaker 3 by the way, nobody who says that thinks that they're ever wrong.

Speaker 3 Or you say, look, I don't mean to be rude. I don't mean to be

Speaker 3 impolite here, but whenever you say, I don't mean to,

Speaker 3 it doesn't make sense to people.

Speaker 3 It doesn't, it doesn't.

Speaker 3 Down here in the South, we say, ji-haw. That doesn't jihaw.
That doesn't jive with us.

Speaker 3 We're not going to,

Speaker 3 that doesn't work. Something's off to the other person when that happens.
Why? Because

Speaker 3 I can tell, that's like me picking up a big club.

Speaker 3 All right. This is a pin on my ham.
It's like me picking up a big club.

Speaker 3 And I'm saying,

Speaker 3 while I'm talking to you, saying, look, I'm not going to hit you with this club. And you're thinking, why are you holding it?

Speaker 3 You see how whenever you use disclaimers and sentences, like, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm already saying it with self-defense. I'm saying it in anticipation of self-defense, right?

Speaker 3 When somebody goes, oh, listen, with all due respect, it's the same thing. They're not really saying it with respect when they do that.
So,

Speaker 3 what's the cue there? Instead of stepping on that landmine, what I want you to do is say the reverse of it. So, instead of

Speaker 3 I don't mean to sound disrespectful, what I want you to say is this probably could sound disrespectful, or this will probably sound disrespectful. Use probably.

Speaker 3 Use the probabilities. And what people do is it gives them a chance.
And when they hear you, they naturally, oddly enough, think the opposite.

Speaker 3 So if I were to say, this is probably going to upset you, what do you naturally do? You think of reasons why that's not going to upset you versus me saying, don't be upset about this.

Speaker 3 And then you start to actually go, oh, no, there should be reasons why I should be upset about this. So instead of, I don't mean to sound rude, this is probably going to sound rude.

Speaker 3 This is probably going to sound impolite. This is probably going to sound short-sighted.
This is probably going to sound insensitive.

Speaker 3 Whenever you say that, the other person then looks for reasons as to why it is not the thing that you said. So that's the way to handle that.

Speaker 3 Or, you know, better yet, you just don't use any of those disclaimers at all. Just use silence, skip it, delete it.
from your sentences and say what you want to say.

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Number three, the third landmine that I want you to avoid in difficult conflict is the failure to reframe conversation.

Speaker 3 Have you ever been in conversation that you feel like it's just in a circle over and over? And you go, God, we just talked about this. We just talked about this.

Speaker 3 What I like to say about that is if you haven't heard the end of it, then you haven't heard the heart of it. We have this inner fear that I haven't been heard.

Speaker 3 I'm scratching the surface, but I don't feel like I've hit the root cause of why I'm feeling this way. And some people are external processors.
Some people are internal processors.

Speaker 3 And so a lot of times you see that play out in dynamics and in conversation. The failure to reframe.
means that you're going to continue to spin.

Speaker 3 You're going to continue to be in the air and you don't know how to land the plane. Reframing sounds like this

Speaker 3 it if we can i i'd rather rather than saying calm down i'd rather slow things down instead of saying hey you need to be quiet say can we speak a little bit slower in tone can we can we slow this down a little bit or maybe the reframe is hey now that i feel like we've talked about how we feel about this i'd I'd like for us to talk about what it means to us.

Speaker 3 What are our next steps?

Speaker 3 You see how when you kind of package the conversation into different boxes and letting someone know all right i feel like we've emptied this box the next box is this rather than just going about it blindly it helps to put conversations in different categories um

Speaker 3 well let me rephrase that it helps to put conversations in topics of themselves. Maybe it's the problem.
Maybe it's the facts. Maybe it's the need for apology and resolution.

Speaker 3 Maybe it is to understand action steps and where we go from here.

Speaker 3 Whatever that is, it's like kind of having a meeting in your mind of how you roll it out of, all right, now that we've talked about what happened, I'd really like to make sure that this doesn't happen again between us.

Speaker 3 What are you thinking on? How do we avoid this?

Speaker 3 Help me understand how I can avoid that for you in the future. Use language like we rather than you.

Speaker 3 That's going to help reframe the conversation.

Speaker 3 In courtroom, in litigation, what we call that is simply just signposting in some sense. And it helps a lot in normal day conversation.

Speaker 3 That means when I ask a question of the witness, I'm going to tell them what I just asked them about and then where I'm going.

Speaker 3 And I'm doing that not just for the witness, I'm doing it for the jury as well because they're going to also be listening. So I might say, okay, Mr.

Speaker 3 Williams, now that we've talked about where you are headed that day, I'd next like to discuss what you were doing at that present time. Sound good? You hear how I'm saying I'm road mapping in a sense.

Speaker 3 I'm saying, hey, this is where we've been. This is where we're going.
So using that in conversation is a great way of reframing so that you don't feel like you're in that spin cycle.

Speaker 3 Because what happens in that spin cycle? Danger. It adds fuel to the fire because you get tired.
You feel like you're not being heard and bad things happen.

Speaker 3 So what did we learn in this little bitty power minute that we had together? Three things to avoid the landmines. Number one, don't begin with the word you.
Number two, get rid of the disclaimers.

Speaker 3 And three,

Speaker 3 make sure that you reframe the conversation. If you ever feel like it's starting to drag or if you feel like it's getting to a point that you're going, ah, this is really grinding on me.

Speaker 3 Whenever you feel that meter in your mind, it goes into the red of going, I can tell I'm getting overwhelmed. That's exactly the time for a reframe.

Speaker 3 And maybe the reframe is, hey, I can tell that this conversation isn't really going anywhere for us right now. I would love to continue to cover this.

Speaker 3 I'd love to continue this conversation later this afternoon or give us a break in five minutes. Sometimes that's even the reframe.
Yeah? All right, use your words for good.

Speaker 3 As always, try that and follow me.

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