Top Conflict Coach Shares the Key to Staying Cool Under Attack

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Indeed. Stop waiting around for the perfect candidate.
Instead, use Indeed sponsored jobs to find the right people with the right skills fast.

Speaker 1 It's a simple way to make sure your listing is the first candidate seed. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs have four times more applicants than non-sponsored jobs.

Speaker 1 So go build your dream team today with Indeed. Get a $75 sponsored job credit at Indeed.com/slash podcast.
Terms and conditions apply.

Speaker 2 The key to handling conflict conflict is not what you say, it is what you observe. In today's episode, I'm going to teach you exactly what I teach every single one of my legal clients.

Speaker 2 So, if you've ever wondered, what's it like to be a legal client of Jefferson? Well, today is your chance to do that. Today's the lucky day.

Speaker 2 We're going to dive into how do you handle high-stress conflict situations and operate at a different level that you did not know was possible.

Speaker 2 This is the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where we talk about communication.

Speaker 2 And I make a promise to you that if you subscribe to this podcast, if you listen to these episodes, I'm going to make you a better communicator.

Speaker 2 I'm going to ask wherever you are listening that you find the button that says subscribe and click it. It is going to take zero time, but it means a great deal to me and my family.

Speaker 2 And it tells the platforms that what you're listening to is good quality content. And that is my promise to always deliver that.
Thank you very much. Today's episode is sponsored by Cozy Earth.

Speaker 2 Cozy Earth is a product that I love and have come to love for a very long time because they are, in my world, in my view, the leading brand when it comes to any bamboo products from bath sheets to towels to bedding to clothes.

Speaker 2 It is cool. It is light.
It is comfortable. They're called Cozy Earth for a reason.
My family and I, big, major Cozy Earth fans.

Speaker 2 So if you're like me and like wearing sweatpants and hoodies and big nice towels after you get out of the shower or bathtub, I haven't taken a bath in a very long time, but maybe you're somebody who listens and you go, you know what, I'm a bath person or a shower person, whichever one it is.

Speaker 2 Cozy Earth is what's up, I promise you. Go to cozyearth.com slash Jefferson.
Use the code Jefferson for 40% off. That's cozyearth.com slash Jefferson.
Get the code Jefferson for 40% off.

Speaker 2 All right, now let's keep going. When we talk about difficult, high-stress conflict,

Speaker 2 I'm talking about not just a little bitty everyday arguments. I'm talking about something that's on your plate that's coming up right now.
And you go, Jefferson, I don't know how to handle this.

Speaker 2 I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm going to shut down.
I'm afraid I'm going to get nervous. I'm going to tell you exactly what I tell every single one of my clients.
You ready?

Speaker 2 Number one, it is not what you say.

Speaker 2 It is not anything to do with your mouth. It has everything to do with your nervous system.
And the key here is instead of absorbing, you're observing. I'm going to say it again.

Speaker 2 Instead of absorbing, you're observing.

Speaker 2 If you you want to handle conflict at a different level of consciousness that you did not know you could handle it, it is going to be the key of not absorbing what they say, but observing what they say.

Speaker 2 All right. Say it with me.
Say it with me wherever you are. It's not absorbing.
It's observing. All right.
What does that mean? I want you to think, this is just coming to me right now.

Speaker 2 I want you to think you're in the grocery store and you have your cart with you and you're going through and you, or maybe, maybe, maybe you're somebody who likes a bag, you know,

Speaker 2 you have a, I'm all for environmentally friendly stuff too, though it's hard here in Texas. And you have your cart and you just start putting things on the shelf,

Speaker 2 grabbing things off the shelf and putting it in your basket that you don't even want.

Speaker 2 You don't even want.

Speaker 2 Things just start to come in. You're like, yeah, you know what? I'm going to take their belittling opinion of me.
I'm going to put it in my cart. You know what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to take their side eye, put it in my cart. I'm going to take that disrespectful tone and put that in my cart.
And you just keep going all the way through, aisle by aisle.

Speaker 2 And then you go to checkout,

Speaker 2 which is actually a very good word for this.

Speaker 2 You mentally check out. And you know what checks in? Your nervous system, your emotions.
And they just flood you in that moment.

Speaker 2 And in that point in time, you have absorbed, you have taken on so many things that there's nothing left for you. You're not observing.
You're not seeing what's happening. You're just in it.

Speaker 2 You're just in it. And you are helpless to it.
It is no longer you who controls the emotions. The emotions are now controlling you.
And there's no telling what you're going to say. There's no,

Speaker 2 there's no,

Speaker 2 nobody can guess what's going to come out of your mouth or what's going to happen because you're not there. You are checked out.

Speaker 2 So when I tell my clients, hey, when you're in the chair and somebody is, the other attorney is asking you questions, there's going to be a time where all of a sudden you're tempted to go in it,

Speaker 2 to go down the spiral and look inside and look at yourself and feel emotions and get heated because you're going to start taking things personally. You're going to start absorbing what they're saying.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. If you want to handle this the right way, the proper way in conflict, you have to start observing.
What does that mean?

Speaker 2 That means you're going to approach the conversation at a different level of consciousness than you have before. That means instead of going, how can you say that to me?

Speaker 2 Oh my gosh, I'm, and you start holding your breath and you start getting flustered and you get nervous or maybe you tear up.

Speaker 2 It's because you're not seeing it as, huh, I wonder why he's asking me this. I wonder why she's saying that.
I wonder where they're going with this.

Speaker 2 Look for the intent behind the words.

Speaker 2 The intent behind the words. When you are observing what's happening, in some sense, being an attached observer.

Speaker 2 I've said this before, where it's like you are sitting in a movie theater with your popcorn and you're watching the conversation take place.

Speaker 2 And that puts you in a different perspective of looking at the person who's talking to you and thinking, I wonder why that character is saying this. I wonder what the plot is.

Speaker 2 I wonder what the narrative is. I wonder what scene is coming up next.
And you see how when you look at it that way, you have full control.

Speaker 2 You're now the director, the producer, the screenwriter of exactly what happens next. And then it's just action.
And you're able to be in the state of mind of, hey, I'm observing the conversation.

Speaker 2 And from there, that gives you a chance to let your body regulate because you're not in it. You are seeing it.
You're seeing the conversation.

Speaker 2 Number two, what I teach every one of my clients is something that's at the forefront of my book. The next conversation, argue less, talk more.

Speaker 2 And rule number one, when I say say it with control, and that is let your breath

Speaker 2 be the first word that you say.

Speaker 2 I've been talking a little fast here in this podcast, which is unlike me. I think

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why. I drink too much coffee this morning.
Too much coffee, admittedly. Usually I talk pretty slow.
All right. Can you hear how

Speaker 2 just the way I'm talking now

Speaker 2 and how I'm slowing down just a little bit

Speaker 2 might

Speaker 2 in a micro percentage also slow you down a little bit?

Speaker 2 Maybe, you know, the neural activity in your brain is starting to slow down just just a little bit. Maybe you feel a little bit more relaxed at me speaking a little more slowly.
When I put

Speaker 2 a breath before my words,

Speaker 2 it is making sure that I am regulating myself. And even more importantly, I am showing you.

Speaker 2 I am showing you. that I am regulated, that I am in control.
And what I'm about to say, I've chosen. I've chosen those words.
It makes a very big difference.

Speaker 2 So when I teach my clients, hey, don't get wrapped up. Don't try and step on somebody's question.
Don't try to interrupt them. Let them get it out.
And then you observe the question.

Speaker 2 Observe the interaction. Take a breath.

Speaker 2 And then choose what you want to say. You are in complete control of the pace.
of any conversation. Nobody can make you say anything you don't want to say.

Speaker 2 And nobody can make you say it at a time you don't want to say it. That choice is yours.
That choice is yours. And I cannot tell you how many clients I have seen come

Speaker 2 to find, accept, and grow in their own power and their own sense of value and worth of, wow,

Speaker 2 I get to choose if I say anything. And you know what? If I want to wait 30 seconds before I say something, I can do that.

Speaker 2 It is a freeing feeling to know, hmm.

Speaker 2 No, I'm going to think about this. Let me chew on this question for a second.

Speaker 2 Just that alone. The ability to say that says, oh, no, no, I'm operating at a different level you don't know about.
No, I'm not who you thought I was. I know exactly what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 I'm going to choose my words. And I'm going to show you that what I'm about to say is something that I absolutely mean.
And I'm saying with intention.

Speaker 2 Can you feel the difference? Say, what kind of breath are we talking about? I've run through this breath before. It's always good to do it because it's something that is good for me too.

Speaker 2 It's a conversational breath. And what it does, it's based on a physiological sigh, which is a double,

Speaker 2 well, that kind of sounded weird. Double inhalation.

Speaker 2 A double inhalation. So you're breathing, you're inhaling twice.
All right. So you ready with me? We're going to breathe through your nose.
Wherever you are, just do it. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 2 People might look at you. Don't worry.
Ready? We're going to breathe in through your nose about two to three seconds.

Speaker 2 One more at the top.

Speaker 2 And then let out through your nose.

Speaker 2 My guess is you're starting to come down a little bit. Maybe your shoulders relaxed a little bit.
It's the feeling that mimics a sigh.

Speaker 2 When you use that kind of breath, and I promise you, you continue to do it while I'm talking right now. You'll see that you get really good at it.
You can do it anytime.

Speaker 2 The most crucial part for me is when I teach my clients to do it is before they answer the question. Just take two seconds or one second.

Speaker 2 What we like to say here in the South is just say one Mississippi. In other words, in your head, you're going to go, Mississippi.

Speaker 2 Like, well, you can use your own name if you have a long name. You know, just whatever it is, it's to get you in the mindset of taking a beat, a moment.
Take that breath and choose what you want.

Speaker 2 to say it is always going to be better. Now, before we keep going, I want to take a second to tell you about Fabric by Gerber Life.
You know what gives me a lot of peace of mind?

Speaker 2 It's knowing that if something was ever going to happen to me or my family, and I have two kids, my son is seven, my daughter is five, that they're going to be taken care of in a world that's scary, honestly.

Speaker 2 And I travel a lot and I do a lot of things. And that's what life insurance is really for.

Speaker 2 It's making sure that the people and your loved ones in your life and that depend on you also have a peace of mind. And it's, it's hard to think about.
Sometimes it's weird to think about,

Speaker 2 but it really is something important. Fabric by Gerber Life is a term life insurance you can get done today.

Speaker 2 It's made for busy parents like you, like me, all online and on your schedule, right from your couch, actually.

Speaker 2 You can be covered in under 10 minutes with no health exam required whatsoever. So if you're young and healthy, now's the time to lock in rates.

Speaker 2 Even if you have coverage through work, it might not be enough. So you want to make sure that that gets taken care of and it may not follow you if you leave leave your job.
Fabric makes it simple.

Speaker 2 Flexible, high-quality policies that fit your family and your budget, like a million dollars in coverage for less than a dollar a day.

Speaker 2 And they've partnered with Gerber Life, which is trusted by millions of families for over 50 years. Join the thousands of parents who trust Fabric to help protect their family.

Speaker 2 You can apply today in just minutes at meetfabric.com slash Jefferson. That's meetfabric.com slash Jefferson.

Speaker 2 Policies issued by Western Southern Life Assurance Company, not available in certain states. Price is subject to underwriting and health questions.
And now, back to the episode.

Speaker 2 And number three, the third thing that I teach every single one of my clients is to use less words.

Speaker 2 Say

Speaker 2 less. Now, in the legal context, if my witness starts to give a very long answer, you know what happens?

Speaker 2 Why do I say it like that? Happens?

Speaker 2 What happens is I guarantee them that the opposing attorney is now going to slice up

Speaker 2 that long answer they just gave and turn that into five more questions, ten more questions. The shorter the answer, the stronger, more clear it is every single time.

Speaker 2 If I give you an answer that is short and concise, you can do nothing with it. You can do nothing with it.
Here's the difference. So I might have a client who I've trained and we practice a lot.

Speaker 2 And when she might take a breath and answer a question and go,

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 And that's it. That's the only answer.
What can the other attorney do? Nothing. They can't do anything with it.
They can only go to their next question.

Speaker 2 But I've also had it, despite my training and teaching, where somebody goes,

Speaker 2 You know, I'm not sure, you know, that it was just such a hectic day. And, you know, I forgot to go pick up the eggs and my, and my dog was sick.

Speaker 2 And, you know, he just, just it just you know peanut butter messes up his system and i just find that and you're going and i'm going oh my gosh what is happening so that happens that happens because people are are human right so we have to take a break i go what are we doing come on get back in it with me so

Speaker 2 you see the difference and if somebody's giving a very long answer some practical things happen one is I'm giving, the witness is giving more information than is needed, right?

Speaker 2 Unnecessary information, which means the other person, let's put this in everyday application. Everyday people are going to get confused as to what the answer is.

Speaker 2 They're going to fill in their own assumptions of why you're not answering it directly. They're going to hear that there's just more words, which just

Speaker 2 automatically leads to the possibility of more confusion and more miscommunication. We don't want that.
We want short, concise. So I like to say it when I teach is that if I ask you,

Speaker 2 do you have the time?

Speaker 2 Do you know what time it is?

Speaker 2 That means I'm going to ask you to stop and ask that question in your mind. Do I know what time it is? What am I asking? Do you know what time it is?

Speaker 2 And if you give me the time, oh, it's A03.

Speaker 2 That's the wrong answer. That's the wrong answer.
If I say, do you know the time? The answer is yes, I do. It's that detailed.
It is that detailed because in my world, it has to be that detailed.

Speaker 2 You have to be. And in everyday conversation, those high stake, high emotions, just when everything is on the table, everything's on the line,

Speaker 2 every little word of clarity matters a great deal. And I have to make sure that you're prepared.

Speaker 2 So when you condense your words into something that is very short, very concise, the longer of an answer you give, the more opportunity there is for miscommunication, more opportunity there is for somebody to take your answer and twist it.

Speaker 2 Here's an example. Have you ever been in a text argument with somebody? I have.
I know you have.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 they just sent you something and you're like, oh, really? And you just start texting on your phone, just going after it. And you write a paragraph.

Speaker 2 I'm talking, you just, you hit them so good and it's perfect. And you're, it's, it's, this is exactly how I feel.

Speaker 2 And you send it and they send a text that doesn't even address anything that you said at all or maybe they addressed one part that they could defend and like but they ignored all the rest is that same principle you're giving someone way too much to take and to twist so if you want to handle high conflict like i teach every one of my clients you have to keep your answers as short as possible answer their question and only their question.

Speaker 2 All right?

Speaker 2 Okay. Hey, look, you're ready.
You're ready. I know maybe we're going to need to talk about this.
Let's go grab some coffee, make sure you get some snacks, feel good.

Speaker 2 We're about to go into this deposition room together, and you're going to do awesome. I promise.
What do we talk about today?

Speaker 2 When it comes to high-stakes conversation, number one, observe, don't absorb.

Speaker 2 Observe, don't absorb. Number two, use your breath

Speaker 2 as the first word that you say. Slow it down and choose your words.
Be intentional with them. Make sure that you are operating on your timeframe, not somebody else's.
And number three, say less.

Speaker 2 Shorten your answers. When you give way too much, you allow the opportunity for somebody to grab onto it, pieces and say things you didn't mean.
You're giving them more to twist.

Speaker 2 You're giving them more to twist. It's like giving somebody a long piece of rope.
They're able to put a bunch bunch of knots in it.

Speaker 2 But if you just give them a little bit of rope, maybe it's not even enough to do a

Speaker 2 to tie their shoe with, right?

Speaker 2 It's a big difference. You want to make sure that you're very short and concise.
Man, my

Speaker 2 examples today are all over the place. We talked about the grocery store.
We talked about shoelaces. Man,

Speaker 2 what a day. What an episode.
I am always proud of you and I hope you use your words for good and for light wherever you are. As always, you can try that and follow me.

Speaker 3 Next up is a little song from CarMax about selling a car your way. You wanna sell those wheels? You wanna get a CarMax instant offer? So fast.
Wanna take a sec to think about it. Or like a month.

Speaker 3 Wanna keep tabs on that instant offer. With OfferWatch.
Wanna have CarMax pick it up from the driveway.

Speaker 3 Does it

Speaker 3 you wanna do it? So, wanna drive? CarMax.

Speaker 2 Pickup not available everywhere.

Speaker 3 Restrictions and fee may apply.