3 Simple Questions That Put You Back in Control

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Speaker 2 If you feel like you lose control in conversation more than you keep it,

Speaker 2 this episode is for you. I'm making this specifically for you.
What I'm going to teach you, if you listen to this episode, is exactly how to make sure that that shift of power returns back to you.

Speaker 2 I'm going to make it short. I'm going to make it sweet.
And it's going to work. You ready?

Speaker 2 Welcome to the Jefferson Fisher Podcast, where I'm on a mission to make your next conversation the one that changes everything.

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Speaker 2 And it's a promise by me in exchange to say, I'm going to make you a better communicator. And this episode is no exception to that.
This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth.

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Speaker 2 If you're like me and you like cozy, comfortable things, especially with fall not coming on, you need to go try out Cozy Earth. Controlling conversation is a funny thing.

Speaker 2 You don't know how to describe it, but you know when you don't have it. You know when you could get it.
It's in that time,

Speaker 2 usually in the silence of the conversation, that as things are going, momentum starts to shift the other way, starts to swing the other way.

Speaker 2 And it feels like everything around you is kind of dissolving. Think of a time most recently in your life where you felt the power dynamic shift.
Maybe it's somebody who's a superior.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's somebody who who intimidates you. Maybe it's somebody you don't like.

Speaker 2 Or maybe it's somebody you love and it still feels like you don't have something inside of you that's able to keep what's yours.

Speaker 2 And instead, you feel like you're giving it all away, your needs, your wants, your power, your control, whatever it is, your truth, this episode is going to teach you exactly what to do.

Speaker 2 So how do we do that? Number one, you're going to use questions

Speaker 2 that force a reset in the conversation. Now, what do I mean by that? Think of like your laptop or your phone.
You have a button typically that has like a forced reset.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter what's happening. Maybe you're on your phone and it freezes or your laptop and it freezes.
What do you have to do?

Speaker 2 You have to kind of like hold the power button down until eventually what? Shuts off. And then you're able to click it again and force restart it.
It's not doing it on its own.

Speaker 2 You are having to inject something into it. That's what these questions do.
These are intelligent questions. These are not just the basic ones.

Speaker 2 These are questions that call for reflection in the conversation that make people think.

Speaker 2 And that alone is going to stop the momentum, stop the shift, momentum, the power that's going away from you and bring that control back to you in a way, or at least, the very least, level the playing field.

Speaker 2 You said, Jefferson, what do these questions sound like? I'm going to tell you. These are questions that sound sound like, are you against us talking at a normal tone?

Speaker 2 Are you against us talking about this calmly?

Speaker 2 Are you against us talking about this openly?

Speaker 2 Is it unreasonable for me to ask you to lower your voice? Is it unreasonable for me to assume that what I tell you can be kept in confidence?

Speaker 2 Or maybe it's, I need to know where we're going in this conversation. Can you help explain to me where we're going in this conversation? Where is this conversation going?

Speaker 2 So these are three key words that I really picked up on, that I'm wanting you to pick up on is one, we are using the natural mind to think in the negatives.

Speaker 2 Meaning if somebody asks you to do something, typically you want to say no. Think of when you're kids.
If I ask my daughter when she was two to go do something, the first thing she'd say is no.

Speaker 2 We have the same exact thing. It doesn't go away.
We just have different filters as we age. Well, if I were to say, are you against us talking about this calmly?

Speaker 2 The first thing they're going to want to respond with is no.

Speaker 2 Are you against, no, I'm not against that? Then they will naturally lower it. Who's going to say, yes, I'm against talking calmly? So you use that to your advantage.
It makes them think.

Speaker 2 If I'm going to say, are you against us talking about this in a way that's helpful?

Speaker 2 You hear how it makes you almost have to work through it backwards. It takes some time, even though it sounds simple, for somebody to hear it, reverse engineer it.
That's the timeframe that you want.

Speaker 2 That levels the playing field. That's the forced reset.
That moment where people have to think and you get to now ask a question and they are now acquiescing to what you've asked for.

Speaker 2 Is it unreasonable? Most people will, again, say no to things. If I were to say, is it reasonable? to ask you to stop yelling.
You know what's going to happen?

Speaker 2 They're going to say, no, it's not reasonable. You know how upset I am right now? But if I were to say, is it unreasonable for me to ask you to lower your voice?

Speaker 2 They're not going to say, yes, it is. They'll most likely say no.
Why? Because no is easier to say. In that moment where they reverse engineer the question, that's the shift of momentum.

Speaker 2 I need you to tell me where we're going in this conversation. Help me understand where we're going.

Speaker 2 It's easy. It's the, I am wanting to know where's the deadline, where's the finish line, not the deadline, the finish line.
Where do we go there?

Speaker 2 All that's doing is making them think, hey, what am I talking about this for? What am I talking about this for?

Speaker 2 It's jumping to that end. You are creating that moment where they have to pause.
They respond to your question, which levels the playing field because that time stops the momentum.

Speaker 2 It is like icing the kicker. in football.

Speaker 2 If you watch American football, you know that a lot of times they will, if, or even in basketball, lots of different sports, when things are going a team's way, and especially in basketball, and somebody is, they're scoring a lot, the other team will typically call a timeout.

Speaker 2 Let's stop the momentum. They're getting too much going on.
That's exactly what these questions do. Exactly what these questions do.
And it gives you the control back in the conversation.

Speaker 2 Number two, aside from intelligent questions that are making them stop, what I want you to think of is times where you can use phrases that are going to call moments of more reflection for the other person.

Speaker 2 Why? Because it is giving you that control back. There's not a statement, I can tell you, that's going to just force the control there.
Questions do it. Questions do it.

Speaker 2 My favorite, and if you listen to this podcast, you know, is the phrase, did you mean?

Speaker 2 Did you mean for that to sound dismissive? Did you mean for that to sound a little manipulative? Did you mean for that to embarrass embarrass me or offend me?

Speaker 2 The did you mean questions, what they do is they put a big spotlight on the other person's behavior and it makes them have to think about what their motive was. What was my intent in asking this?

Speaker 2 What was my motive in asking this? And usually if it's a truly negative motive, like did you say that to embarrass me? It forces them.

Speaker 2 to now like they they feel angst they they did they don't like that they got heartburn now they got called out they got called out and now what they have to do is shift shift it back. They have to

Speaker 2 stop. They have to hedge.
They have to put on the brakes and realize: whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm getting called out right here. I don't like that.
I'm going to start looking bad. I don't want that.

Speaker 2 And so they'll turn that trajectory. And what they do is they lower.
And now you're more balanced in the conversations. Did you mean?

Speaker 2 Number three: one of my favorite things to do in conversations, particularly when it feels like somebody else is trying to take control in the conversation.

Speaker 2 I will ask the question, are we on equal footing? It could be something very similar to that. Is this a conversation where we're balanced? I talk about things that are up and down.

Speaker 2 I want to make sure that we're walking side by side. And usually I'll ask that question.
Are we walking side by side right now? I want to make sure I'm walking alongside you in this conversation.

Speaker 2 Whenever you're using words that call balance, even the imagery of balanced,

Speaker 2 are we side by side here? Are we balanced? Are we on the same plane? Are we on the same footing? You can think of a thousand other ways to say it. What they do, these phrases, these questions,

Speaker 2 that make the other person kind of slow down.

Speaker 2 They make them slow down on the conversation. That's what you want, and that's what's going to return the control back to you.

Speaker 2 There's nothing you can say that's going to say, hey, I want control back in this conversation. That's not going to happen.
If it's a statement, what it does is it makes you look like you are

Speaker 2 vain. It makes you look like you're aggressive.
It makes you look like you are desperate. It makes you, desperate's the best word for it.
It makes you look like you're already lost it,

Speaker 2 right?

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Speaker 2 One of the best of the ways I can think of, rather than trying to grasp for that attention,

Speaker 2 control is

Speaker 2 also found in the silence.

Speaker 2 So many times in conversation, the most powerful move you can make is no move at all, not saying anything. If you want to return conversational power back to you, often silence

Speaker 2 and pauses are the best thing that's going to do that.

Speaker 2 Pauses.

Speaker 2 If somebody else is on a roll, you can call your own timeout.

Speaker 2 When I say on a roll, maybe they are being way too aggressive with you. Then what you say is, I need to come back to this conversation when I'm in a better place.

Speaker 2 I'll come back to this conversation when I'm ready. I can tell I'm not in a good, I'm not myself right now.
I can tell I'm not ready for this conversation.

Speaker 2 This is not a conversation that I need to be in right now.

Speaker 2 Pause it. Time it.
Why did I say that? I don't say it like that. Take a timeout, pause the conversation.
And what you do is now the nerves settle.

Speaker 2 What happens is you're able to now look like you're the one that's in control of the conversation because you're not responding emotionally. You're not saying things you don't mean.

Speaker 2 You're not trying to say the yeah, buts. But what about you're not trying to throw daggers and add these little paper cuts to the conversation that don't do anything.

Speaker 2 Control is also very much found in the silence, in taking breaks. And what's that? That is you calling your shot of

Speaker 2 when you will not have conversation. Those three tips right there alone.
See, I told you, short and sweet, roll right into it.

Speaker 2 That's exactly what's going to help you the next time you feel like you're losing power in a conversation. So what do we talk about? Number one, using intelligent questions.
Are you against?

Speaker 2 Is it unreasonable? Show me where we're going. Anything related to that.

Speaker 2 Using the negatives, that's going to get somebody to have to think more reflectively about the conversation and stop the momentum.

Speaker 2 Two, we're going to use questions that talk about the intent and motive. That's going to, again, reflect that and make them pause.
Three, largely, I want to go right into that silence.

Speaker 2 That's number three. Silence is so often the very thing that will stop the momentum, bring control back because you are choosing your words when you want them and what you want to say.

Speaker 2 That's how you keep control. As always, thank you for listening.
You can try that and follow me. Be good.

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