1199: Pursuit of Happiness Vexed by a Litigious Ex | Feedback Friday

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Welcome to Feedback Friday.

I'm your host, Jordan Harbinger.

As always, I'm here with Feedback Friday producer The Globetrotter, who's my fellow rope walker across this abyss of life drama, Gabriel Mizrahi.

On the Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most fascinating people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

Our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker.

And during the week, we have long-form conversations with a variety of amazing folks.

mafia enforcers, drug traffickers, former jihadis, economic hitman, and more.

This week, we had Dr.

Caroline Fleck on the power of validating other people, how effective it is, how important it is, and how it can deepen your relationships with not only other people, but also yourself.

And we also did a skeptical Sunday last Sunday on CBD.

On Fridays, though, we share stories, take listener letters, offer advice, and go spelunking in the labyrinthine caverns of your most confusing conundra.

Before we jump into our stories today, we got some passionate takes on two letters that we aired recently, and we wanted to talk about them quickly here at the top.

Yes, one was the letter from the woman who was thinking about becoming a single mother by choice in SMBC, and her family was like, are you sure you want to do that?

Do you know how hard that's going to be?

That was episode 1184.

And the other was the letter from the woman in her 40s whose father, who was absent for most of her life, was basically discouraging her relationship with her 60-something year old boyfriend, who was apparently great.

Although he was also still cohabitating with his ex-wife, which complicated the story a little bit.

That was episode 1187.

Right.

So a few of you felt that in both letters, we were basically telling these women, hey, screw your friends and families.

Their opinions don't count.

Just do whatever you want.

Which, you know, not exactly what I remember us saying, but I think I can understand why it might have come across that way a little bit.

It's true that in both letters, our advice was basically something along the lines of, look, if this is what you know in your bones is right for you, if you're 100% sure this is your path or this is your person, then you're going to have to do what's right for you.

And you're going to have to decide which voices to listen to in your life.

Right.

But that is not the same as, you know, like, F the haters.

Don't listen to your family and friends who probably love you and want the best for you, just you, do, you, girl, you know, which seemed to be what a few of you thought we were saying.

I always find it interesting, Gabriel.

We'll say this nuanced position and people will go, oh, clearly you're saying this totally extreme version of that position and I disagree with you.

And it's like, if you can't disagree with us without straw manning, it's almost like you don't really disagree with us.

I would say it's the tiny minority of the people who listen to the show, but it happens.

It does happen.

Yeah.

Even though we're trying to find the contours, I think sometimes people hear perhaps what they want to hear.

Yeah, or really don't want to hear, and then write an email about it.

Look, I'll admit that in that second letter, I was very much in the camp of, hey, your absentee father, who probably created the very daddy issues he's blaming for your attraction to older men, and who doesn't seem interested in even understanding what your relationship with your partner is like, maybe that guy's opinion is basically irrelevant.

Especially at 43.

That's what I keep going back to.

It would be different if that listener was like 18 or even 25 or 30.

Although I'd still ask if her absent and dismissive father has a right to tell her who to date as an adult.

but that's very different from saying, hey, if anyone in your life disagrees with your choices, just ignore them.

They're not worth listening to, which is not how I feel at all.

If you listen to the show a lot, you have probably heard us say things like, well, okay, you might not love what these people have to say, but do they have a point?

Is there a kernel of truth to what they're saying?

You know, is there at least something worth considering in there, even if you end up going a different way?

And in fact, didn't we say that in both stories with the SMBC?

Yeah, exactly.

With the single mother by choice, I think we said that her family might have just had some understandable reservations about her choice, which is unconventional and challenging, even if it's the path for her.

And it might be worth hearing them out and preparing for that.

And with the woman dating the older guy, I remember spending a decent amount of time talking about the fact that he's still living with his ex-wife.

Yeah, we were wondering if maybe that was part of the reason that some people in her life were not entirely on board with this guy.

Right.

So I'm a little puzzled by this criticism, to be honest, but I do know I got pretty worked up about that dad weighing in on her love life just because of the facts of the story.

You did.

anyway this is less about defending our take and more about clarifying this is not our general stance when it comes to dealing with challenging feedback or differing opinions from family and friends if anything i believe more and more that when we meet criticism and resistance from people in our lives especially when those people are on solid ground and have our best interests at heart it's best to meet them with curiosity and openness even if you ultimately disagree there are just some situations where you have to say thank you for sharing your opinion but i'm going a different way and you just have to have conviction in your choice the other criticism we got about the SNBC letter was that we talked a lot about her reasons for wanting to have a child on her own, but we didn't talk much about the potential impact this would have on her son.

You know, growing up without a father and whether that's fair to do to a child.

Yeah, that was a much fairer criticism in my view.

It's not that that wasn't on our minds.

It just wasn't entirely within the scope of what she was talking about.

She was basically saying, I'm already pretty sure this is my path.

How do I deal with people who aren't supportive?

But we do often try to consider other angles in addition to the questions that our listeners are explicitly writing in about.

So I guess that is something we could have at least nodded to when we were talking about our story.

For sure.

It's also a tough topic, though, because I'm not an expert about single-parent households.

The data I've read has been mixed.

Some experts are like, hey, one amazing parent, unconventional for sure, but definitely enough to be secure and get your needs met and succeed in life.

Other experts say, hey, it doesn't matter how great the single parent is, not having the other parent, especially boys who grow up without fathers, those kids tend to struggle in this way and that way, and they measure lower in this and that category.

So I don't know.

Both arguments make sense.

So I hesitate to tell someone, yeah, you definitely should not have a kid on your own.

You're just going to hold them back.

Or, hey, go for it.

All kids need is one great mom.

I just can't say either of those things with confidence.

Although purely anecdotally, I do know several people who grew up with only one parent who do struggle in certain ways, like confidence, ambition, intimacy.

So there's that.

But then all human beings tend to struggle with something, even with two parents.

So, I mean, is it a result of only having one parent?

I don't know.

It's complicated.

Right.

It is very complicated.

Look, if we could do that segment again, I would say, can you do this on your own and do it pretty successfully?

Based on what you've shared, all the prep that you've done.

She said she was very connected, had a good community, had read a ton, etc.

Yeah, probably you could.

Will there be certain things that your child will lack or struggle with?

Also, probably.

So do your research on the challenges.

See if you can make peace with them.

Think of this from your point of view and your potential child's point of view.

And if you decide to do this, just put in the work to find good male influences who can at least least try to fill in the gap because it is a gap, even if it isn't a fatal one, right?

Bingo.

And if we said that, we might have been overstepping a bit, but it's not like we don't overstep all the time.

So, hey, fair enough.

And thank you to everyone who writes in so passionately.

Even when we disagree, it's still great to consider other perspectives.

Anyway, that bit of apologia dispensed with, let's get to the do's and create some new reasons to have to retroactively defend our opinions.

Gabe, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Hi, Jordan and Gabe.

My ex and I worked together for seven years.

I wanted to leave several times, but kept getting pulled back by a mix of love, manipulation, and what I now understand was a trauma bond.

In late 2022, I had a miscarriage after an unplanned pregnancy.

We decided to try again, and I became pregnant in early 2023.

Around that time, he lost his job, had a serious ski accident, and began to mentally spiral.

His behavior became erratic, controlling, and at times violent.

Eventually, I made the decision to leave with my dog, for my safety and for the safety of my unborn child.

That decision triggered a string of escalating events.

He called the police on me for taking the dog, which ironically led to his arrest for domestic violence.

Despite this, I fought for him against the DA, even working with his attorney to get the charges dropped.

I thought I was doing the right thing for my family, but the charges were sealed and dismissed, and his behavior only worsened.

When I refused to let him move back into my home, which I own, he briefly chucked into a mental health facility.

After being released, he resumed manipulative behavior and ultimately sent me a text accusing me of raping him for a baby.

That was my breaking point.

I cut off all contact to protect my mental health and focus on the pregnancy.

I gave birth and didn't hear from him for six months until I was blindsided with a civil lawsuit over property coupled with false claims of sexual assault.

He lost that case, but it was just the beginning.

Since then, he has filed multiple civil suits and appeals, tried to press criminal charges, which the police dismissed for lack of credibility, filed a retaliatory protection from abuse request at PFA, full of fabrications, which was also denied.

The judge even removed him from the courtroom, continued showing up uninvited, leaving items behind my car, and even blocking my car in with a mattress while I was pregnant, leading to the extension of my PFA against him.

On the same day he agreed to the temporary PFA extension, he filed for custody.

Despite everything, about six months ago, he was granted two hours of supervised visitation per week.

In the seven months since, he has falsely reported my mother to the state nursing board, called child protective services on me three times, filed multiple contempt motions, all of them dismissed or pushed aside, appealed every case he's lost, called the police seven times during his scheduled visitations, stalked me through mutual acquaintances to learn who I'm dating and where I go, sent certified mail to my boyfriend's parents to intimidate me, and told my child things like, don't worry, my PI will find where you are.

Wow.

He keeps losing, but the legal harassment continues.

Now he's trying to expand his custody time.

It's clear that this is not about co-parenting.

It's a campaign of legal, emotional, and financial harassment meant to maintain control over me through the courts.

I'm now with someone who is kind, loving, patient, and truly supportive, not just to me, but to my child.

I've worked hard to keep my past and my present separate, but as the situation drags on, the two inevitably bleed together.

I've done everything right.

I've documented everything, followed legal advice, and have strong support from my family and friends.

But the emotional toll of constantly looking over my shoulder and waiting for the next lawsuit, police call, or false accusation is overwhelming.

How do I move forward when I'm legally tied to someone who relentlessly uses the system to harm and control me?

How do I protect my financial stability when I'm repeatedly dragged into court?

What legal recourse do I have to prove that this is harassment?

How can I co-parent safely when I genuinely fear for my child's well-being?

And maybe most importantly, how do I preserve my new healthy relationship in the middle of all of this?

How do I show up fully in this relationship when I'm carrying this kind of stress?

How do I check in with my partner and make sure that he feels cared for too?

Signed, searching for a shield or maybe a whole damn force field against my ex who wields these baseless appeals and makes me keep my eyes peeled in this endless minefield.

Oh man, what a nightmare.

A minefield indeed.

I usually don't say things like this, but this is an actual crazy person you're dealing with.

Although I appreciate your taking ownership of your role and what sounds like a very dysfunctional dynamic when you were together, but man, I'm very sorry that your ex has put you and your child through all of this.

I can only imagine how freaked out you must be.

This is legitimately terrifying.

It's exhausting.

My heart goes out to you.

As per Us, to get a handle on your legal options here, we reached out to attorney and friend of the show, Corbin Payne.

And the first thing Corbin said was, kudos to you for getting out of that abusive situation and prioritizing your child.

As he put it to us, the legal system tries desperately hard to be helpful and protective, but it often gets manipulated by bad actors against innocent parties.

It's just, it happens.

And this sounds like a textbook example.

The good news is, it sounds like your ex has run headfirst into several judges, attorneys, and cops who seem to recognize exactly what he's doing.

which even though all of this is absurd and gross and exhausting, that's pretty encouraging.

Based on what you've shared, I can't see a way you can co-parent with this guy safely.

He sounds unhinged, erratic, relentless, and he doesn't seem to be signaling to you that he's even willing to collaborate or work toward a better relationship.

I hope he gets there one day, but right now it sounds like he's just being an abusive, retaliatory piece of crap.

So let's talk about some proactive next steps you could pursue.

First, Corbin advised you to keep a physical and electronic file handy with all dismissed cases, negative court orders, and false reports that your ex has filed.

Then, hand copies to any police officers who are investigating his BS claims or who walk into court the next time he files a lawsuit or takes some sort of legal action.

Now, if you take these documents into court, Corbyn said you will need certified copies.

That's where the government agency who has custody of the documents either stamps or creates a seal certifying that they issued the documents in your possession, that they're fair, they're accurate copies, right?

They're not just something you printed off on your own that are fake.

Cops and judges really hate having their time wasted and they really, really hate being manipulated.

So So if you can quickly and easily show the police that your ex is constantly trying to abuse the legal system to harass you, he's going to piss off the authorities and you may be spared having to offer a longer response.

Now, speaking of harassment, Corbin said that if you have a protection from abuse order, your ex probably should have been arrested or held in contempt for the stalking and the mattress incident.

So he was curious about whether the false reports and the abusive process, basically using the system for illegitimate purposes, whether those were the basis for the PFA that you you got.

This may or may not be how things are done in your state, but in Tennessee, where Corbyn practices and in other states too, you can get an order of protection or a restraining order against a person for filing false claims and harassing lawsuits against you.

Then, every time they try, they run the risk of finding themselves in contempt of court or charged with violating an order of protection, which means they get arrested and go to jail, ideally.

So Corbin's take there is look into that and consult with an attorney.

Also, contempt and committing a criminal act, both of these are strong grounds for denying somebody expanded visitation with the child, potentially any custody rights at all.

So in Corbin's view, you should consider going hard after your ex when he violates the PFA and either have him held in contempt of court or charged with a crime.

That might finally be enough for a judge in a custody hearing to look at the record and go, yeah, no, you're not getting any more time with your child.

In fact, you're not getting any time until you clean up your act and stop acting like a freaking psycho.

I mean, that's, those are my words.

A judge might be a little more politic.

Corbin also feels that you need to explore avenues for getting a court order forcing your ex to stop using the process against you.

If and when he does, to quote Corbin again, nail his ass.

He said that it sucks being this nasty and aggressive, but it sounds like your ex is pretty much leaving you little to no recourse.

In his view, you need to act like you're in a knife fight with somebody who cannot be reasoned with and has no ability to feel or express empathy.

Nope, don't pull any punches.

Don't try to reason with them.

No mercy.

To quote Corbin one more time here, it's Cobra Kai rules.

This is not Miyagi Doe.

That is a sea pain banger right there.

I love when Corbin busts out with his little southern lawyer quips.

But like of the nerdiest variety.

Like, you know, when DC Comics would, like, let me stop you right there.

I do not know.

I do not know what you're about to say.

Sea pain contains multitudes.

One of the many things I love about him.

Now, if you listen to the show a lot, you've probably heard Corbin say in the past that legal fights are usually not sprints.

They're marathons.

So he feels that you really need to have the best mental health possible if you're going to stay in this and fire back against your ex.

Yep, Corbin preempted us on this one.

He literally said, I know Jordan and Gabe are going to talk up therapy, but I strongly endorse this.

Corbin would also strongly encourage therapy for your child if and when you can swing it.

Now, we don't know how old your child is at this point in the story, but once they're at the right age, talking, basically, maybe a little bit older, we all agree that they could benefit from seeing somebody, even if it's just doing like play therapy.

And this is for a couple of reasons.

Number one, Your child's father is clearly a traumatizing presence and almost certainly will inflict some kind of trauma on your child.

So obviously therapy can help a lot with that.

It can give them the support they need, the space they need, all of that good stuff.

But also, Corbin said that a therapist would be another witness, another asset to you in this process.

He told us that parents walk into courtrooms all the time and they're like, my child is traumatized.

My child is anxious.

You know, my child is afraid of their dad, whatever it is.

But that needs proof beyond a parent's word.

Having a professional who sees the child regularly come in and testify cogently to the effects that a parent like this is is having on them, that could be enormously helpful.

Corbin's last piece of advice for you was find community.

And it sounds like you're surrounded by family and friends, which is so wonderful.

I'm so happy to hear that.

But Corbin would also encourage you to get involved with survivor groups for domestic abuse and stalking and nasty custody fights.

You could check out a few different meetings.

There are a ton of them.

Some of them are online.

Hear people's stories.

Talk to them after the meeting.

There is something uniquely powerful about being surrounded by people who understand the particular struggle that you are going through here.

And also, these folks would probably have good ideas and good leads on resources and local laws and attorneys and coping strategies and all of that good stuff.

Now, I understand that fighting this fully can become quite costly.

Corbin's idea there was try to request the court costs for these cases be assessed against your ex.

Now, he did say that this is nearly impossible to collect against in these cases, and your ex is probably going to make that as costly as possible.

But there are also nonprofits that provide help, assistance, and even counsel to victims of abuse and stalking.

He would suggest you reach out to the local bar association in your state or county and ask them for help on that front.

They should know where to send you.

This would also be a great thing to ask the people you meet in support groups.

But the best thing you can do, in Corbyn's view, is keep that documentation of all the harassment on you at all times.

Because if you can nip any investigation or whatever in the bud, that's the best way to actually avoid more costs.

Let's talk about your new relationship for a moment.

You asked how to preserve that relationship and make sure that it still succeeds, even when you're dealing with all of this.

I think the key is just to keep showing up appropriately in this fight with your ex, but also know how and when to leave it at the door and enjoy your time with your new partner, who, by the way, sounds so great.

So well done there.

I do think that there is some healthy compartmentalization that has to happen here.

There's also a good amount of acceptance and surrender and focus and discipline just to not allow the stress around your ex to creep into the time with your boyfriend.

And I know that's easier said than done.

I get it, but this is a practice.

It is something that you might be able to get better at.

I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your boyfriend about this stuff.

I think it's important to let him be there for you as well.

I just mean when you're not actively being targeted or when you're not preparing for a hearing or when you're not getting ready to go to court, try as much as possible to not allow your ex to take up any more mental real estate than is absolutely necessary.

So journal about it, vent to a friend, work through it with your therapist, take it into your support group.

That's a great use of it.

Meditate, exercise, whatever it is that you need to do.

You have so many people and places to work through this stuff.

So it doesn't become an outsized burden to your boyfriend.

And it's sweet that you want to make sure that he feels cared for too.

I mean, I think you could literally say to him, hey, I know all of this stuff with my exes a lot.

I know it can pull focus away from us.

It takes up so much more energy than I wish it did, but how are you doing?

Am I losing sight of you?

Am I losing sight of us?

Do you want to talk about anything?

I think just asking that question will probably be a big help.

Yeah, and I also think you can probably tell when you don't feel as close with your boyfriend, when he might need some attention.

So keep an eye on that.

And or tell him that it's okay for him to tell you when he feels a little neglected or deprioritized.

I love that you're so thoughtful and attuned to him as you should be, but he can also speak up if he's struggling with something.

So look, unfortunately, I don't know if there's an easy way to move forward when you're legally tied to somebody who's determined to hurt and control you like this.

To go back to an old Feedback Friday chestnut, this is more about moving through until your ex either gets tired and gives up or the system starts hitting back at him and holding him accountable, probably with your help.

Your job now is knowing when to fight the good fight and when to surrender and be patient.

I imagine you'll you'll move between those two for a while until something shifts.

And I hope it does shift as soon as possible because you and your child deserve peace and you deserve to build a very different life.

Sending you, your child, and your boyfriend a big hug and wishing you all the best.

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Now, back to Feedback Friday.

Okay, what's next?

Dear Jordan and Gabe, about 10 years ago, my dad received a workers' comp settlement and with the best intentions, used it to purchase a few rental properties.

The catch?

The properties are in a state where neither he nor his kids, my brother and I, live.

His nephew, whom I've never met, lives in that state and manages the properties.

He handles everything from repairs and finding tenants to evictions and rent increases, taking a small management fee.

While I don't suspect any foul play from the nephew, the logistical nightmare has become my burden.

My dad is a simple man who lives on an island and helps cook in a restaurant.

He doesn't travel or have a checking account.

He wanted to leave us some wealth, but he didn't consult us, and I was completely unprepared for the responsibilities of being a landlord, collecting rent, taxes, reporting income, etc.

It's taken me almost a decade to realize that I need to get this set up correctly.

The properties are still in my dad's name, but the rent money goes into an account that my brother and I access.

We cover property taxes, insurance, and repairs.

My dad occasionally asks for funds, which is fine as it's his money, but my brother also takes from the account as needed.

I've taken minimally, but I'm doing all the work, worrying, and taking on the most risk.

Here's where it gets complicated.

I've tried to transfer the homes into an LLC that I created.

But I'm hitting brick walls.

Attorneys in my state say that I need an LLC in the state where the homes are located.

An attorney in that state requires my dad's involvement, but his nephew acts as his power of attorney.

We almost had an attorney on board, but they backed out, explicitly citing, quote-unquote, too much fraud and refusing our case.

I just need someone to guide me through this process.

Also, because my dad doesn't have a checking account, we sometimes get bizarre, urgent requests to Western Union or money gram funds to random people.

While I trust that my dad wouldn't be involved in anything nefarious, I worry that he's being manipulated manipulated by others who could deplete his remaining assets, which are essentially tied up in these homes.

Finally, my dad is getting older, and I'm sure he doesn't have a will.

I want to secure these homes to protect my family's future, but I feel lost about how to proceed.

Part of me just wants him to sell the homes and wash my hands of this, but I know that money would likely be gone quickly, leaving nothing for him if he truly needs it later.

We don't come from a family with experience in these matters, and I just don't know where to start or who can help manage all these moving parts.

What do I need to do legally to get our house in order?

What do I do about these weird money requests?

How do I create a will and a legal structure for these assets when I can't seem to get a lawyer to take our case?

Signed, stressing about this dough and experiencing vertigo when I think about streamlining the flow of this dodgy portfolio.

Good questions.

First of all, despite how messy this has gotten, big ups to your dad for taking this settlement and buying up some rental properties.

That's pretty remarkable.

So, you know, well done, dad.

Totally.

I know it's a logistical headache right now, but this is a massive gift to all of you.

And if you manage this correctly, which I'm confident you can do, you'll be honoring this amazing thing your dad did and setting yourself up to enjoy these assets for a long time to come.

We wanted to talk to an expert about all this.

So we reached out to Brent Dilley, estate attorney and friend of the show.

And before we dive into this, I just want to say, I know this legal stuff can be kind of dry.

It's not exactly Duzcruz material.

But I think it's really important for everyone listening, no matter what your situation is.

I can't tell you how many letters we get from people whose family assets aren't properly structured, who are in the dark about how to manage them.

This is one of those basic life admin things that can make the difference between having to deal with a massive headache and losing a ton of money and enjoying your assets and just not having to stress.

So the first thing Brent said was that holding rental properties in an LLC is often advised.

An LLC provides protection of assets, separates them from other assets.

But in this case, your dad has limited assets.

So in his view, the additional complexity and expense probably isn't worth it.

His feeling is that the money would be better spent on having a good insurance policy with adequate coverage.

That would not only provide you with an attorney if you were to be sued, because I don't know, let's say somebody injures themselves on the property.

They'd also provide you with access to a pool of cash to pay any potential settlements or judgments that might arise.

And Brent wasn't sure why the attorney you mentioned told you that you needed to set up an LLC in the same state where the property is located.

People set up corporations in states that own all kinds of assets in other states.

I mean, that's why Delaware exists, basically, right?

Brent said you'd simply need to register the LLC in the state where the property is located.

You register as a foreign corporation.

That's a simple filing with the Secretary of State in that state.

It's not a big deal at all.

So I'm curious about what the heck those other attorneys were talking about.

Brent's take is you need what's called a revocable trust.

In his view, that's the perfect tool in the estate planner's toolbox for this scenario.

So quick background.

A trust is basically an agreement whereby the granter, your dad, creates an agreement naming himself or his child or children as the trustee.

That's That's the person who manages the assets of the trust.

It also identifies the beneficiaries of the trust.

That's the person who's entitled to use and enjoy the assets of the trust, presumably your dad.

Now, what a trust will do for you guys is this.

It'll make your dad's nephew accountable to the trustee.

The trustee has oversight of the nephew.

Trustees have a fiduciary duty to your dad, so there's no monkey business with dad's money.

Because the trustee has control of your dad's money, he'll be protected from undue influence from other people.

And that includes you and your sibling because a trustee has a fiduciary duty duty that prohibits them from using trust assets for their own use.

So if and when dad becomes unable to handle his own financial affairs, the trustee will continue handling them, including the rental properties, while at the same time paying his bills, keeping him protected.

And when your dad passes away, there's no need to probate your dad's estate, which is a freaking nightmare, because the assets of a trust pass free of the probate process.

Again, very sexy, I know, but here's how this will look.

Your dad creates a revocable trust with an attorney's help.

He decides who will be the trustee.

He either appoints himself or his children as trustee or all three of you guys as co-trustees.

Dad transfers or in legal terms, deeds the rental properties to the trust.

The trustees hire your dad's nephew to manage the rental properties if you want to continue that arrangement.

And the trust directs upon your dad's death, all trust assets, the rental properties and anything else he wants to include, those get divided between you and your sibling.

So to do that, Your dad needs to find a competent estate planning attorney to help shepherd him through these issues.

Don't be thrown by that one attorney who declined your case.

Brent said you need to keep trying to find one.

This is really not a big deal.

I don't really know what was up that other guy's butt, but he didn't want to take your case.

Maybe he's just seen too much.

Also, Brent said you don't necessarily need to involve your cousin unless your dad is not competent, in which case he would be needed to sign the deed on your dad's behalf.

But it doesn't sound like your dad's there yet, right?

He still works.

Everything's fine.

But if your cousin having power of attorney is complicating matters, talk to your dad.

He could easily revoke the power of attorney and name you or your sibling as his attorney, in fact.

And anyone can create the LLC for the rental properties, not just your cousin.

Yeah, all sound advice.

And I'm actually really glad we're talking about this because I feel like I'm learning a few things here, too.

Some of these terms are just a little vague in my head.

And this is, yeah, like you said, fundamental life stuff.

Now, there are a few other details in your letter that raised some eyebrows.

Brent found it odd that you've never met your cousin, especially if your dad has given this guy power of attorney.

That's a big deal.

Yeah, who is this guy?

Yeah, and why haven't you tried to meet him?

I know you didn't say much about him, but this whole arrangement just sounds a bit sus to me.

I don't know why.

Yeah, or at least messy.

I wouldn't want anyone I don't know directly managing my dad's affairs.

Power of attorney is a potent device.

I'm just kind of confused why he has power of attorney and not you or your brother.

And it makes me a little bit nervous about what might be happening between them behind the scenes, even if this nephew is not doing anything nefarious right now.

Yeah, or whether your cousin is somehow angling for influence or control.

I mean, maybe he's not, but it's something I would look into.

It's just, it's such a weird thing.

Like, Gabe, you give power of attorney to like your spouse.

Your child.

Or your child.

Yeah.

Your adult children.

You don't give it to like a cousin that you're not close with that your kids have never met and didn't grow up with.

That's just weird, man.

When they're going to be the beneficiaries, theoretically, of all of these assets.

Also, Bren was a little bit concerned about the communal use of your dad's money.

Your dad takes some money from the account.

Your brother takes some money from the account as needed.

You've taken minimally.

I don't know.

The financial hygiene here is not good.

No.

And candidly, I'm worried about what the optics are, what might happen if you ever got audited, or how much harder it is to know who took what and make sure that everything is on the up and up.

Brent had the exact same feeling.

He said that this needs to stop.

In fact, he told us that bankers routinely review their customers' accounts for unusual activity, and they will not hesitate to report this kind of thing to adult protective services, which you do not want.

No, I'm assuming that's why the lawyer was like, yeah, I'm not taking this case.

Too much fraud.

It's like, yeah, we play fast and loose with all the financial stuff.

And like, sometimes I take money and sometimes we wire money to people we don't know.

and then other times my brother takes money and then there's this cousin we don't know and he gets paid too and the lawyer was probably like whoa what is happening here yeah although brent also found that a little bit curious because like what is too much fraud yeah as if the attorney would be willing to take their case if there was only a little fraud like i'm confused by that yeah so that's what i'm saying i think that lawyer was low-key accusing them of being shady and he just didn't want to aid and abet most lawyers come on we would love to help somebody being defrauded for a good fee right but if they're going to be implicated in something dodgy or criminal and working with a criminal scheme, they're not going to take it on.

It's too risky.

So I do think that's a little telling.

And then there's this whole thing about getting bizarre, urgent requests to wire funds to random people.

Now, it's hard to know if those are just dumb phishing scams that your dad is ignoring, which I really hope they are, or is he being scammed in some way, which sadly happens all the time to older folks.

I really do not mean to freak you out, but this is something you need to look into.

You got to track this down.

Check your dad's bank records.

See if there are any Western Union money gram wires being sent and to whom and how often.

I would ask your dad point blank about this and make him give you an answer.

If he is caught up in a romance game or anything like that, you need to know and you need to put an end to it now.

But at the same time, just to put you at ease a little bit, I don't know if you can really deplete somebody's assets if those assets are largely tied up in real estate.

I mean, it's not like your dad can money gram some guy and Myanmar a two-story walkup in Duluth, right?

It doesn't make sense.

So I'm not too, too worried about that right now, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't look into this.

Agreed.

So I hope that gives you some good next steps.

I know this is daunting, especially at first.

I know it's anxiety provoking, especially when you don't come from a family with experience in this kind of stuff.

But I promise you, this is all stuff you can learn.

And it's a privilege to have to learn it.

So put in a little time to learn the things you need to know about being a landlord.

There are countless articles out there, Reddit posts, Quora threads, YouTube videos, courses, Facebook groups for property owners.

Honestly, I think ChatGPT is probably an amazing landlord advisor, although AI does hallucinate, so you're going to want to make sure you double check everything.

But you could just sit there and have a conversation and ask questions with ChatGPT, and it'll tell you about being a landlord and a property owner all day long.

Get together with your brother, be good partners to each other, teach each other how to do this right.

This can be a great education for both of you.

I get why you want to just dump these properties and be done with all this, but I agree that probably wouldn't be wise.

The most anxiety-provoking part is not being on top of all this.

So keep looking for an attorney.

Let them guide you.

Have some tough conversations with your family about how you guys are going to operate from now on.

And then rest assured that you can sleep well at night.

So this is so much easier now than when you're two years behind on taxes or the estate goes into probate and you got to figure it out and undo stuff.

So good on you for getting out ahead of that.

And good luck.

Big thanks to Brent Dilley for his wisdom and insight here.

If you want to learn more about Brent and his work, especially if you live in Washington state, go to dillylaw.com.

That's D-I-L-L-E Law.com.

You can reach us Friday at jordanharbinger.com.

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All right, next up.

Dear Jordan and Yabe.

All right.

I've been working at a rural health system for about 15 months.

It's my first job post-military, and I never thought it would be my permanent or even long-term job, but it pays the bills for now.

My direct supervisor was my peer when I was hired and was promoted via an interview process in which she was the only interviewee.

Suspiciously, she and my then-boss, now her direct supervisor, are best friends.

Not that she isn't qualified, but it definitely gave me pause.

Then, a couple weeks ago, the two of them announced a new manager role in our department.

They said that it was only open to our 10-person team and encouraged all of us to apply, stating that the basic qualification is having a project management professional certification, a PMP.

I obtained my PMP several months ago.

I am actually the only PMP on our team, so I enthusiastically applied.

You should just go tell your boss, I don't know what you heard about me, but I'm a motherfucking PMP.

Exactly.

I don't know what you heard about me,

but this job seems to fit me to a T.

No complaints from HR, you can't see.

That I'm a motherfucking BMP.

BMP.

Yeah, I knew that was, I knew that's what you were thinking.

Oh my god, that song from high school just like came back into my head the moment she said BMP.

That's so funny.

I was scheduled for an interview with all of our current team members and noticed that one other person on our team was also scheduled for an interview.

This coworker helped start this department with my now boss four years ago.

They maintain a friendship.

And I suspected that this job was actually created specifically for him with a sham interview process in place.

Hmm, yeah, that do be happening sometimes.

But I applied anyway to demonstrate my dedication to progress and to the role.

The day before my interview, I looked at my boss's calendar and I saw that my coworker had a first round and a second round management level interview scheduled, both before my first round interview, and I didn't have a second interview.

I was infuriated.

Obviously, they already had a plan to hire my coworker, and I didn't appreciate the willing waste of my time to pretend to have an objective process.

It felt very disrespectful.

I withdrew my application, canceled my interview, and immediately used my updated resume to apply for positions at new companies.

I didn't even want that job, but I can't help but become enraged when I think about the fact that my boss, who is always very sugary, was manipulating me in the process of promoting her friend.

Is my anger unreasonable?

Should I be this upset over a job that I'm only planning on being at for another 8 to 12 months, since I'm planning on going to law school next year?

Am I being greedy or unrealistic?

Or do I just need to accept the weird, outrageous dynamics of this job and focus on my ultimate goals?

Signed, seeing red and feeling like a dunderhead after I was totally misled about my chances of getting ahead.

Okay, yeah, so I totally understand why this pissed you off.

It sucks to feel like you were set up, that you were strung along, that you weren't being taken seriously or respected.

And on top of being disappointed, I imagine you also feel feel kind of exposed for investing your time and excitement into this opportunity for putting yourself out there to go for a job that you probably could never have gotten was totally bs from the start and no i don't think you're being greedy or entitled you wanted the job you thought you were participating in a fair process turns out it wasn't and that sucks you're not going oh how dare they that job should have been mine you're going wait what the hell i thought this was a level playing field All of that is totally fair.

But here's the thing.

It's never a level playing field.

All organizations and systems run on relationships, loyalty, goodwill, and part of the game of life is building those assets so you can tap into them when the time comes.

So your supervisor is BFFs with the boss.

This colleague who got the job has a friendship with that person too.

That obviously gave them a massive advantage in your company.

That sucks for everyone else, but honestly, fair play to them.

Now, is that corrupt?

A little, yeah.

Is that the kind of corruption I hope you benefit from one day?

Also, yes.

How this situation feels really depends on which side of the table you're sitting on.

If you're the person who doesn't have the inside track, it's infuriating.

If you're the person with the leg up, it's pretty awesome.

Now, look, there's a classy and respectful way to do this, and there's an unclassy and clumsy way to do this.

It's possible that your boss did this the unclassy and clumsy way by making the calendar events public, by not giving you enough information before or after the fact to know how to feel about it, stuff like that.

And on that level, your resentment is somewhat fair.

But also, companies do this sham interview thing all the time.

I think it might actually be the law in a lot of places, depending on the organization, especially.

You often can't just promote someone from within.

You have to at least pretend to open up the position to lots and lots of people.

So what looks like a manipulative, disrespectful sham to you, that might actually just be what your boss needed to do to not get in trouble while promoting the person that they actually wanted for the job.

And it's kind of like.

Don't hate the player, hate the game, right?

I mean, they picked someone for this.

They knew they wanted them for years.

And the company's like, make sure you open this to everyone in the department.

And they're like,

okay, but we're going to pick Tom.

It doesn't matter.

You still have to open it up.

And they're like, great.

Okay.

Everyone, waste your time filling these things out.

And then we're going to promote Tom.

The end.

Also, you said that this coworker helped start this department with your now boss four years ago.

That was long before you joined.

So this person also has the completely fair advantage of time and history, right?

This isn't entirely personal.

Again, I agree.

It kind of sucks for everybody else, but yeah.

them's the rules, I think.

Yeah.

So my advice to you is go through this phase of being angry, lick your wounds, but then open up the aperture a little bit and adapt.

What you're learning is that relationships and history often matter more than talent and hard work.

It's not totally fair.

It doesn't even necessarily lead to the best outcomes, but this is just absolutely how the world works.

The best thing you can do is rather than get angry when other people have the inside track, start developing your own inside tracks.

These weird, outrageous dynamics that are pissing you off.

These are dynamics you could be enjoying in the not too distant future, whether it's at this company or another company or in law school or when you start interviewing for legal jobs.

In fact, if you really embrace this mindset, you could set yourself up very well for that recruitment process, which will probably be just as networked as your current employer is.

And if you don't know where to start, you'd know what I'm about to say.

Check out the course, sixminutenetworking.com.

Start doing the exercises.

I promise this stuff will be a game changer.

To be honest, guys, I got my first law job somewhat through a similar process.

In brief, we had this thing called on-campus interviews, and you were supposed to sign up to interview through the career office and then the career office at my law school chose which interviews you could have and everyone thought that was BS and they're like, we're going to make it fair, which is total nonsense, right?

Like, why can't I pick my top places and everyone else pick their top places?

Yes, we all have some of the same top places.

Oh, well, those are the top law firms, right?

So I...

decided I'm not going to sign up for any interviews or maybe I signed up for like two and I'm just going to walk around and say, if there's a no-show, give me a call and I'll run from wherever I am to you because I don't have any interviews planned.

And so what happened was I ran into a buddy and he said, oh, go say hi to Jeremy.

He's giving interviews here.

And I walked over there and I said, hey, if you have any no-shows, give me a call.

And they said, it's lunch right now.

If you don't mind me eating this sandwich, we can conduct a preliminary interview while you're here.

And I said, no problem.

Enjoy your sandwich.

And I came in and I sat down and I said, I don't know anything about your firm because I wasn't expecting to interview today.

And they went, you know what?

We don't really care.

You were Jeremy's friend's roommate for a while.

I said, yeah, I went to high school with him too.

And they said, cool.

What do you think about moving to New York?

And I said, it would be amazing.

New York is awesome.

All right.

What do you think about doing like real estate finance or derivatives or something like that?

I said, honestly, I'm indifferent to it.

I think it would be great.

I just want a job that pays well.

I'm willing to work hard here in my grades.

And they were like, cool.

Yeah, you want to fly to New York next week for a second round of interviews?

And I said, yes.

And then I flew to New York for a second round of interviews, which were equally demanding

and some free lunches and a dinner.

And they hired me on the spot.

Wait, this was that last legal job you had in New York?

That was my main legal job in New York.

I got it because somebody said, go say hi to this guy, which is basically code for their hiring.

And he will put your name in.

Wow.

I remember Jeremy, who was standing there, he didn't conduct the interview.

He was just standing there.

He goes, if they hire you, I get a Rolex.

And I was like, cool.

I hope they hire me.

And he's like, don't worry.

They're definitely going to hire you.

I'm going to put in a good word.

And we're looking for people who aren't dicks.

That's basically the bottom line.

Perfect example.

Yeah.

We're looking for people who aren't dicks and who have decent grades.

That was the bar.

And all these other people who had signed up to interview at that firm, some of them didn't even get to interview there because the Office of Career Services was like, we're going to make it fair for everyone.

And I was like, no, you're not.

That's not how I'm playing it.

So this is just how things work, folks.

This isn't going to change.

And so complaining about it makes no sense.

You should really just embrace the idea that this is how it works and it's going to take the sting out of this loss.

The beautiful thing about learning from stuff like this is it stops being like, oh, they screwed me out of a job and they disrespected me.

And it starts becoming, okay, that's how I learned that I need to tend to my relationships.

That was how I started playing the game, right?

And the first time this goes your way, you're going to feel very differently about it.

And, you know, I know a lot of people are like, I'm offended by this.

This is the, you guys are the problem with the world.

This is why the world is this way.

You're welcome to think that.

In fact, you're welcome to play this completely differently if you want to.

That's fine, but just bear in mind, you're not immune to the consequences of this if you ignore it or you play it differently.

You're just being willfully ignorant of the secret game being played around you.

So true.

Well said, Jordan.

The other thing that this situation is teaching her is how does she respond to setbacks like this?

I find it really interesting that once she connected the dots or what she thought were the dots, she withdrew her application, she canceled the interview, she started applying for other jobs.

Look, in one way, I guess I kind of admire that.

She was decisive.

She got her losses.

She got tactical.

She put her efforts into something with a higher chance of success.

I get it.

I also think that there might have been some self-preservation and some self-protection in there.

And also, maybe just like a little f you, right?

Like, okay, you're going to waste my time.

You're going to treat me poorly.

I'm going to look elsewhere.

You don't deserve me.

Right.

A little empowerment, a little, oof, it's really unpleasant to feel these feelings.

Let me channel them into something else.

Yes, exactly.

But there are some costs to that.

I assume her boss knows why she withdrew her application, unless she told a really good story about that, which doesn't do much to help their relationship, and it might even strain it.

Yeah, I'd imagine there's some tension between them now.

She's probably not the most fun colleague to be around these days.

Probably not.

But most importantly, by not attending that interview, she guaranteed that she would not get the job, which it sounds like was probably the case anyway, sure.

But also, she does not know that with absolute certainty.

And she certainly didn't know that in advance.

Well, good point.

I was actually wondering about that when you were reading the letter.

Her deduction is probably correct based on the calendar events and the history and all that, but also, could the colleague have just started the process sooner?

Could our friend here here have gone into that interview and blown her boss away?

It's possible.

Also possible.

There's another way to respond to a situation like this, which is, okay,

I strongly suspect that this is not going to go my way.

I'm super annoyed that they're probably wasting my time, but I do have the PMP they're looking for.

I am a PMP.

I've already done the prep, so I'm going to go in there.

I'm going to go in with a good attitude.

I'm going to tell them why I think I would be great for this, and I'm just not going to get attached to the results, and then we'll see what's what.

Probably I don't get it, but also, who knows?

Maybe I do such a good job that my boss reconsiders and can't ignore me or I don't get this one, but the next time they have an opening, I'm in the pole position.

I just don't know.

So let me hit pause on my ego for a moment and just put one foot in front of the other and see this through.

Also, worst case, you get the reps in the practice of going through a real or dress rehearsal interview for a job you're not going to get.

And you can go and relax.

Like, I know, I'm not really going to get this.

So I'm just going to do my best and see if they give me any feedback.

Anyway, ironically, that mindset might have even allowed her to do even better because then she would have gone like, all right, I'm just going to go in super chill and have fun knowing that this whole thing is rigged.

So I got nothing to lose.

Yeah, exactly.

And then a few things become possible, whereas withdrawing completely narrows the outcomes to only one and then basically guarantees it.

You're bringing up another interesting concept, which is the whole idea of doing things without being attached to the results.

Yeah.

Can you tell that I just did yoga teacher training?

I was going to say you're on some Hindu-ish today for sure.

It's one of the hardest concepts to live by for me anyway.

I know that it's true, but I struggle with that idea, you know, to act and pursue things knowing that you're really ultimately only entitled to your actions and not to the fruits of your actions.

But when I can embrace that, I do find that everything becomes easier.

For sure.

It's a hard one for me too, because we all have expectations.

We all want things to go our way.

And that's great.

We should want to succeed.

But then when you start wrapping yourself around a specific expectation, which is already a form of I deserve this, or things have to go a certain way for me to be happy or for this to be worth my while, exactly.

Game over, right?

Yeah.

Because life rarely plays out how you think it will.

So you're already setting yourself up to be frustrated.

And in a situation like this, it can actually close you off from showing up fully, doing your best work, generating other opportunities, deepening your relationships, so many things.

But look, if you're only planning on staying at this company for a little while longer, like you said, yeah, the stakes are even lower, which actually is a good thing.

You've learned a great lesson by being blocked from a job that best case scenario, you would have had for a year max.

Time to stop thinking of these dynamics as weird or outrageous and start thinking about them as interesting and exciting.

If you do that, I promise these opportunities will start to look a lot different.

Sorry this one didn't go your way, but I'm also pumped for you that it didn't because before you were blind and now you can see.

Good luck.

And now you get to be a motherfucking PIMP.

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Now, back to Feedback Friday.

All right, time for the recommendation of the week.

I am addicted to Litfella.

So you guys know that I love to read.

I read a decent amount, but there have only been, I would say, I don't know, four or five authors who I can say for sure changed my life.

And one of them is a guy named George Saunders.

So if you've never heard of this guy, George Saunders is a novelist, a short story writer.

He is an incredible writing teacher.

He was actually a professor in the creative writing program at Syracuse, and he taught this very famous class for years on the short story.

And specifically, he taught the short stories written by the Russian masters, those guys who were writing in the 1800s in Russia, Chekhov, Tolstoy, Turgenev, Go, basically people you would never now sit down and curl up with.

In fact, I have tried multiple times to read these guys and I just could not get into them.

And then I read this book by George Saunders.

It came out a couple of years ago.

It's called A Swim in a Pond in the Rain.

And in this book, this guy basically walks you through these short stories that are incredible and timeless, but a little hard to access without somebody holding your hand and walking you through them.

And he basically brings them to life in this very magical way.

He basically recreates the class that he taught at Syracuse, where he would read with his students one page of the story at a time, pause and discuss, and they would just enjoy and dissect the stories and just bring them to life and try to learn from what these amazing storytellers understood about how to tell a good story.

But the really cool thing about this book is that in addition to being kind of like literary theory, it's also personal memoir.

It's also storytelling Bible.

It's also just general life wisdom.

And George Saunders is one of the greatest living writers, I think.

He's so humble.

He's so down-to-earth.

He has this kind of...

folksy, chill, down-to-earth way of talking about really big ideas that I just find so refreshing and very easy to access.

He's like, he feels like your cool uncle or something.

He's also a Buddhist in his personal life and he's just a delightful human being as far as I can tell.

This book changed my life.

And I don't just mean because I'm a writer and I really enjoy reading books about storytelling.

It's actually made me a better person.

I think I've read or listened to this book on audiobook like 10 or 15 times, maybe more.

And it's great for road trips.

It's great for airplanes.

I really cannot recommend this book more highly.

So check it out, A Swim in a Pond in the Rain.

We'll link to it in the show notes.

Buy this book.

It also makes a great gift for people in your life who love to read.

It's a topic that if you read about it, you would think, oh, that does not interest me.

And I do not need to read about what these guys in the 1800s were writing about.

And just give it two pages and you will be absolutely blown away by this book.

I hope you enjoy it.

Also, in case you don't know, there's a subreddit for our show.

If you want to jump into discussions with other listeners about specific episodes or recommendations or anything about the show, if there's an episode you really liked, you want to talk about the recommendation.

People are taking pictures of the food they're cooking from the cookbook recommendations.

I mean, there's all kinds of fun stuff in there.

There's a meme thread.

Check out the Jordan Harbinger subreddit.

If you haven't signed up yet, check out our newsletter, We Bit Wiser.

It's written by Gabe and I.

It's a bite-sized gem from us to you, delivered to your inbox most Wednesdays.

It's a two-minute read.

I invite you to come check it out.

You can sign up at jordanharbinger.com slash news.

Okay, what's next?

Dear Jordan and Gabe, I'm a stay-at-home mom of children varying in age from toddlers to school age.

I also make money by babysitting other young children regularly.

I've lived in both worlds as a stay-at-home mom and a mom working a more traditional 7-3 job, but I've always worked with kids.

Both are difficult in their own ways, but being a stay-at-home mom has its own specific brand of difficulty because it can be isolating.

Working outside of the home, you have opportunities to connect with other adults with similar interests or goals.

At home, I'm around children and rarely do or talk about anything but the kids' interests.

That said, I'm also terrible at creating situations for myself in which I can meet new people and cultivate friendships.

Okay, I appreciate your honesty there.

Part of it is because I'm just plain worn out and worn down.

I can't imagine having to interact with people I don't absolutely have to.

Another part is I just seem to have a really hard time picking high-quality friends.

Okay, all great insights.

In the recent past, I was friends with someone who seemed to have beef with half the other women in our very small town, but it was never my friend's fault.

Yeah, red, huge red flag there.

She also had a husband 20 years her senior who was quote-unquote old-fashioned, which was just code for misogynistic and racist.

She ended up cheating on and leaving him.

All right, classy, folks.

I soon found out that she was the common denominator in all of these conflicts for a reason when she publicly called the child of one of her sworn enemies mean names at his high school sports tournament.

Oh my god, Yeshivant, come on.

You have to be a real piece of work to trash talk a teenager as a fully grown adult at a high school sports tournament.

The second you're screaming, eat a dick Brayden at a JV volleyball game at 3 p.m.

on a Tuesday, that's, yeah, that's probably a good moment to go, okay, maybe I, uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody.

Yeah, maybe it's time to sign up for Better Help and talk about why tweens making bad plays on the field send me into a blind rage.

Betterhelp.com slash Jordan for 10% off your first month, by the way.

We went through our own ups and downs for several years as well, but that incident is what really opened my eyes and helped me to end that friendship.

I've had other friendships that weren't as toxic or crazy, but they just fizzle out.

I will seemingly deeply click with someone and we'll get along great for months or even years, and then it just seems to all stop one day.

There's no bad blood or anything, just distance.

All of this gave me pause when I met another mom at the park a few months ago and we hit it off and exchanged numbers.

We've texted and met up several times, both with our kids and without.

We get along great and always have a great time.

We have differences, but seem to agree on all of the big things.

The only issue I have is that she's in a very unhappy marriage and vents about it, which is fine and even encouraged, but she rarely takes advice and has said that she has no plans to leave because she has nowhere to go with her kids and doesn't want to upend their lives in such a serious way.

That's tough for both of you.

I'm empathetic because can you imagine trying to navigate that in this economy?

But I also have very low tolerance for people who continue to complain without having any plans to change the situation.

Girl, same.

The way your head bobbed with that sound bite was, hmm, chef's kiss.

Also, now that my relationship is in a great place, I feel like I'm bragging to her about my husband when I talk about him.

I don't like the idea of losing another friend and going back to my lonely life, but I also don't want to continue a friendship where I feel like I need to either bite my tongue or waste my breath whenever my friend feels wronged by her husband.

Should I continue this friendship?

How can we continue a solid relationship when it feels like husband conversations are off the table because I love mine and hers is a dud?

Am I I actually the common denominator in all my failed friendships?

How can I improve this relationship maintaining skill while in parenting survival mode?

Signed, it's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.

Or chalk this up to my friends crazy because being a young mom is exhausting.

Not your finest work.

But okay, great questions.

And way to give Gabe the perfect excuse to slip a tay reference into his sign-off.

Whether it worked or not, I'll let you be the judge.

That was a nice departure from the usual structure.

So first of all, look, I'm sorry you feel so depleted these days, so isolated.

I know, not from first-hand experience, but at least from close second-hand experience, being the mother of young children can be so exhausting in so many ways.

Even when you have help in community, it's just, it's a lot.

I know it's easy for me to say, but I hope you know that your role as a mother will evolve as your kids get older.

At least that's what people keep telling us.

And it probably won't always feel this exhausting, hopefully.

That said, Man, I do find the isolation aspect interesting.

And again, I think this is pretty standard.

So many moms talk about about this.

And yeah, when you spend most of your day around your kids, of course, most of your thoughts and actions revolve around kids stuff.

I mean, let's call it like it is.

It can be freaking boring.

It's super cute and fun and funny, but also maybe I want to watch something that's not blippy.

What do you think about that?

It's all part of being a parent.

But also, and I know this is also easy to say as a guy and as a parent who has a full-time career, but it is up to us as parents to also nurture our relationships and invest in other spaces so we don't get too isolated.

So I appreciate that you're making such an effort with other people.

So let's talk about this pattern of yours, deeply clicking with somebody and then drifting apart.

I actually see this a lot among some of my friends.

They'll be like, my new best friend is this person.

And then I'm like, oh, do you still talk to so-and-so?

No, I haven't talked to them in six months.

I'm like, didn't you talk to them twice a day, every day for the first six months?

It's very weird.

It's like burn hot, fizzle out.

It sounds to me like.

at least in the case of that woman who had beef with everyone and this newer friend who's unhappy but won't do anything to change it.

It sounds to me like there are slash were some objective challenges there, the kind of challenges that I would find extremely difficult in a friendship.

Also, making friends as an adult, man, it's hard.

You have tons of responsibilities.

You know that better than anyone.

And that said, we're always playing some role in our relationships.

So it's a good question to ask.

And I'm not sure we have enough information here to know exactly how this pattern operates.

But what I'm hearing is that you meet someone, you guys get pretty intimate pretty quickly.

The relationship loses steam.

If you're the common denominator, then maybe the pattern is jumping into a new friendship, getting close super quickly before you fully know their personalities, their characters, maybe even overlooking certain data points early on that might give you clues as to whether they're people you truly like and respect and trust, which is a good skill to have.

And then it sounds like, you know, not consistently putting in the work to nurture these relationships over time, even when these friendships aren't toxic or crazy, they just fizzle out.

Gabe, are you getting the same read here?

Yeah, that does seem to explain a lot of it.

I'm really interested in this friend who's in the unhappy marriage, though.

This is

a very interesting friend to have.

Tricky.

So tricky.

And I really struggle with people like that.

Like, I'm happy to talk to you if we're making progress.

If you're just going to complain about your life all the time and not do anything about it, it's like, well, what are we doing here?

Right.

Although I do understand that it is very complicated for that woman logistically, financially.

So I get it.

But what I'm interested in is this thing she said, that she feels like she's bragging to her friend about her husband when she talks about him.

It's almost like she's hurting her friend because her marriage is in a good place.

Sounds to me like it's kind of hard for her to feel like she can fully talk about herself without it coming at someone else's expense.

Now, that clearly speaks to her empathy and her kindness and her attunement to other people, which I love.

But I also wonder if she might be assuming a certain fragility on her friend's part, or even if that fragility is actually there, is she maybe overly accommodating it?

I would be curious to know if she feels that her happiness often comes at other people's expense.

And does that concern pop up in any other relationships?

Because it is an interesting one.

Interesting.

Yeah.

But then again, it's possible that this friend really would perceive it as bragging or just insensitive if she talked about how great her husband is.

Totally.

And both can be true.

But it can also be true that she's gravitating to friends who have this fragility or who have certain pressure points.

And some of these pressure points might make it risky to bring all of herself to these friendships.

You know, there's some sadness and envy in the case of this friend that we were just talking about.

And in that one where the woman who's yelling at the kids, there sounds like rage and instability.

So these two friends are probably very different, but what they might share in common as it pertains to our friend here is that they both kind of made her feel like she has to watch herself.

You know, she has to be very careful about what she says and when and how much, because who knows what she's going to stir up in the other person or how they're going to feel about it.

Or maybe more to the point, how they're going to feel about her.

Yeah, like, are they going to resent me?

Are they going to hate me?

Am I going to hate myself if I don't cramp around them?

Am I going to feel guilty?

Yeah.

And that cramping around, by the way, I think think that's part of the bind that she's in because later she said, I don't like the idea of losing another friend and going back to my lonely life, but I also don't want to continue a friendship where the options are like, do I bite my tongue or do I waste my breath whenever my friend is not in a good place with her husband?

She's watching herself very carefully there too, isn't she?

Very carefully.

Like in her mind, she either needs to not say much at all or she's going to speak up and waste her time and then she's upset.

Which, look, I really do understand the position that she's in there.

It's hard, but there is a third way, which is maybe something along the lines of saying, look, I hear how unhappy you are in your marriage.

I know that it's really scary and really difficult to think about leaving.

As your friend, I am here to support you.

I'm here to listen.

I get that this is a big decision.

I also see that you might not want to do anything to change your situation.

And that is okay.

That is your choice.

But I also have to tell you that that puts me in a bit of a tough position because I hear you complain a lot about how unhappy you are, but I'm not sure if you're ready to do something to change your situation, whatever that looks like.

And I'm not sure if my suggestions are really landing with you or they're helping matters.

I can't even tell if they're really welcome.

So I often leave our conversations wondering like, should I just not say anything or should I say something knowing that it might not go anywhere?

It's hard.

I'm not pushing you to do what I want to do.

I'm not saying it has to happen on a certain timeline.

I just want to share this with you as a friend because it's becoming an interesting challenge in our relationship.

And yeah, I would love to understand what your intention is here, what you're taking away from our conversations, what kind of support you're really looking for from me.

Yeah, that would go right at the problem.

Which one do you want really?

How can we shift things?

Yeah, it would be one way out of this dilemma she's in where her choices feel very binary, right?

Like bite my tongue or waste my breath, feel inauthentic or end up resenting the other person.

It would also allow her to stay authentic and honest and available, even when the signals she's getting from someone aren't always encouraging.

That could also be how she continues a solid relationship when it feels like husband conversations are off the table.

Yeah, because she can put it on the table, right?

But she's not doing it by saying, hey, Fred is amazing and I don't care that you're hurting.

Like, this is what I want to talk about.

She's saying, sometimes I feel like I can't bring Fred up because of what you're going through.

And that's a little tough sometimes.

So do you feel that way?

Does it sound like bragging when I talk about him?

Like, how can I be the best friend to you?

Right, which opens up new territory for them.

If she doesn't do that, then she self-censors and then she shrinks.

And then she retreats.

And then I think it's just a hop, skip, and a jump from there to, oh, the relationship just fizzled.

So that might be what's happening.

And then she's back in her little bubble with only kids as company, wishing she had more friends, but not always knowing how to be in a full, consistent relationship with them.

Exactly.

But it's so interesting because she also feels that the isolation is killing her.

It is, but being in a full relationship with your friends where they might end up talking about some difficult stuff, that might in some ways feel even harder for her, as it is for so many of us, because it's not easy.

So fizzling out might actually be more of a pulling away, maybe even even a mutual pulling away, and that might feel like the safer choice.

Right.

Although I still want to make room for the idea that it's okay for her to say goodbye to certain friends.

Totally.

Absolutely.

Like that woman who had beef with everyone, that's not someone she should be friends with.

This new friend, I'm not so sure yet.

I find her frustrating, but I don't know if she needs to write her off.

But what you're saying, it's compatible with her being discerning about who she befriends.

Yeah, of course.

To your point, that might be part of the pattern too.

So I hope that gives you some new angles here.

I love that you're asking if you're the common denominator in these failed relationships.

That curiosity, that accountability, those are great qualities.

At the end of the day, we're all the common denominator in our outcomes, by definition, I suppose.

And it's our job to figure out how we're showing up with people, how their stuff intersects with our stuff, when their dysfunction ends and ours begins, which you're already doing.

And thanks for letting us dig in there with you.

I know that being in parenting survival mode can make it hard to invest a lot of time and energy in people.

That's just the reality of having young kids.

But I sense that this has more to do with your relational patterns than it does with the logistics of having kids.

So give a few of these approaches a try.

Keep learning.

Keep seeking out good people and sharing more of yourself with them.

And I promise, in time, you'll have all the friends you need, even if it's just one great one who actually listens to your advice and isn't getting forcibly removed by the ref at a middle school field hockey tournament.

Wouldn't that be nice?

She's out there.

Good luck.

Go back and check out Dr.

Carolyn Fleck and Our Skeptical Sunday on CBD if you haven't done so yet.

Show notes on the website, advertisers, deals, discounts, and ways ways to support the show.

Searchable and clickable at jordanharbinger.com slash deals.

I'm at Jordan Harbinger on Twitter and Instagram.

You can also connect with me on LinkedIn.

Gabe's over on Instagram at Gabriel Mizrahi.

This show is created in association with Podcast One.

My team is Jen Harbinger, Jace Sanderson, Robert Fogarty, Ian Baird, Tadis Adlowskis, and of course Gabriel Mizrahi.

Our advice and opinions are our own.

And I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer.

Do your own research before implementing things you hear on the show.

Ditto, Corbin, Payne, and Brent Dilley.

Remember, we rise by lifting others.

Share the show with those you love.

If you found the episode useful, please share it with somebody else who could use the advice we gave here today.

In the meantime, I hope you apply what you hear on the show so you can live what you learn.

And we'll see you next time.

What happens when a billion-dollar platform is built on exploitation and no one's held accountable?

On episode 1143 of the Jordan Harbinger Show, Layla Micklewaite reveals how she took on Pornhub, exposing how the site ignored abuse, evaded responsibility, and profited from real victims.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

How in the world was this happening on Pornhub?

Thinking about that, the idea that we're all assuming that this is legal, vetted, consensual material, because that was what they presented to the world and they spent millions of dollars on their PR campaigns.

Victims were reaching out and begging them to take these videos down.

This was destroying their life.

Of course, this trafficking is force, fraud, coercion.

If you're under the age of 18 and you're using a commercial sex act, so if you're making money on that sex act that was induced by force or fraud or coercion, it's automatically trafficking.

It was shocking.

Why are you still doing business with a company that distributes rape videos to the world?

Hornhub is Jeffree Epstein times a thousand.

They have the ability to stop it, to age verify, to make sure that somebody had to show an ID, to show their face, to consent verify before they could upload, and they chose not to.

And I still feel that just as fully served in this case looks like Hornhub does get shut down.

So they have had to take down 91% of the entire website.

When we're fighting trafficking, we have to increase risk, we have to eliminate profitability, but we also want to see policy put in place to make sure this doesn't happen again.

The thing is that I think people have to hear it.

And you actually have the power to stop it now.

The most chilling part isn't just what she uncovered.

It's the lengths they went to to try and silence her.

Don't miss episode 1143 of The Jordan Harbinger Show.

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