RQ Original Feed Drop - Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later

Speaker 1 Hi there! Billy Hindle, the voice of Alice Dyer in the Magnus Protocol. Today we are sharing with you the first episode of our very own Rusty Quill original show, Cry Havoc, Ask Questions Later.

Speaker 1 Cry Havoc is a political sitcom written by David K. Barnes, set in ancient Rome.
Julius Caesar is dead, but Rome's new leaders just can't get along. Gaius, Caesar's heir, is a stressed control freak.

Speaker 1 Mark Antony is charismatic, but deeply irresponsible. Rome is on the verge of collapse, and and they desperately need to schmooze Queen Cleopatra of Egypt to try and save it.

Speaker 1 There's also Gaius' sister, Octavia. She's meant to be a respectable Roman lady, but she drinks too much, sleeps with other women, and, most scandalous of all, she likes theatre.

Speaker 1 Her company, the Palatine Players, staged comedies making fun of her brother, and a new actress has caught Octavia's eye.

Speaker 1 You may recognise some familiar voice talents from the Magnus Protocol in Cry Havoc, including Sarah Lambie, Kazim To Sunomore, Ryan Hope Ver Anderson, Harry Roebuck, Ellie Dickens, and more.

Speaker 1 You can listen to more episodes of this series by searching for Cry Havoc Ask Questions Later, wherever you listen to podcasts, or by clicking the link in the show notes.

Speaker 1 For more information, visit www.rustyquill.com. Have fun and enjoy the episode.

Speaker 4 Not long ago, in a distant land, there lived a warrior of great and noble deeds.

Speaker 4 He wished to rule the people of his city as their king.

Speaker 4 But his friends didn't think it was a good idea, so they killed him.

Speaker 4 That's right, isn't it?

Speaker 7 Broadly.

Speaker 4 I don't want to get the facts wrong.

Speaker 7 Don't worry about those. Just tell me the story.

Speaker 8 Alright.

Speaker 9 Well,

Speaker 4 they ran away,

Speaker 4 the killers, I mean, to the plains of Philippi.

Speaker 4 There they raised an army. They knew they'd soon be followed.
For two men sought revenge against their crime.

Speaker 5 Two men forged in opposites.

Speaker 4 The first strong of muscle, the second, strong of mind. United in common cause.

Speaker 7 And what did these two men do?

Speaker 4 Basically,

Speaker 10 they won.

Speaker 11 We did it, lads!

Speaker 9 We bloody did it!

Speaker 9 All right, all right.

Speaker 9 Now,

Speaker 12 you know I'm not much of a speaker. I never even passed my Latin.

Speaker 12 but if any occasion deserves a few words it's this one because you boys were incredible out there I mean that was peak performance

Speaker 14 Rome is proud of each and every one of you here today and that goes double for me this was no ordinary war we fought no foreign enemy These were Romans like you and me

Speaker 12 Some may have even been our friends once.

Speaker 17 I wouldn't have blamed you for finding this one a struggle if you'd put down your swords and said,

Speaker 13 this far

Speaker 11 and no further.

Speaker 13 But each of you put his duty first.

Speaker 19 You fought like lions.

Speaker 11 And Brutus may have been an honorable man, but we bloody well showed him a thing or two.

Speaker 17 Didn't we?

Speaker 12 My old mate Julius is looking down upon us and he saw justice done this day

Speaker 12 and here standing with me at my side is his very own son He fought with us.

Speaker 11 He's your friend and mine.

Speaker 9 He's Gaius Octavius Caesar

Speaker 9 Hello everyone.

Speaker 12 Oh son of the divine Julius Caesar inheritor of his titles and estates.

Speaker 13 Have you anything to add on this day of victory?

Speaker 13 Me? Yes.

Speaker 9 Uh.

Speaker 12 Anything on this august occasion?

Speaker 9 Uh

Speaker 20 no.

Speaker 20 No, I think you just about covered everything.

Speaker 20 Yep.

Speaker 9 What's the matter?

Speaker 9 There's just so many of them just looking at me.

Speaker 8 And

Speaker 20 I've lost my voice.

Speaker 13 You lose more than your voice if you don't say something inspiring.

Speaker 18 Well, go on, give it some.

Speaker 20 Uh, that is to say,

Speaker 20 I have nothing else to add, but

Speaker 9 well done,

Speaker 9 you

Speaker 20 men.

Speaker 17 Well done,

Speaker 21 yes.

Speaker 21 Well,

Speaker 12 the son of the divine Julius has spoken.

Speaker 9 And uh,

Speaker 12 now that's done with, we celebrate.

Speaker 13 Who wants to go and get hammered?

Speaker 9 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 9 Your plan.

Speaker 4 Rome's enemies lay vanquished in the field, and there were no more left to fight. Mark Antony and Gaius Octavius had won.
Rome was theirs to rule.

Speaker 4 And that's when their troubles would really begin.

Speaker 4 Rusty Quill presents.

Speaker 3 Cry Havoc.

Speaker 4 Ask questions later.

Speaker 22 Episode 1.

Speaker 5 After Caesar.

Speaker 4 The armies returned to Rome in triumph, and there was much rejoicing. General Mark Antony embraced his loving wife, the model of a Roman woman.

Speaker 8 Fulvia! Mark!

Speaker 8 Oh Mark, I missed you so.

Speaker 18 And I missed you, my love.

Speaker 8 How'd it go out there?

Speaker 24 Fine, it was dead easy.

Speaker 6 You'd have loved it.

Speaker 18 Lots of big, handsome men murking up a sweat.

Speaker 25 No problems with the army.

Speaker 26 They'll do whatever I tell them.

Speaker 25 So it's over then. Rome is ours.
Yeah.

Speaker 26 She can't keep her hands off me, lads.

Speaker 18 The Senate's already ratified it.

Speaker 26 As from now, I'm running the show.

Speaker 8 Yes, finally.

Speaker 25 We can get things done around here. Just you and me.

Speaker 19 Oh, Mark.

Speaker 18 I mean, it's a bit more complicated.

Speaker 26 But basically, yes.

Speaker 23 What do you mean?

Speaker 25 Are you in charge or not?

Speaker 24 Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 18 Me

Speaker 8 and Gaius.

Speaker 25 You and Gaius?

Speaker 6 Yeah,

Speaker 19 Julie's boy.

Speaker 25 I know who he is. You said you were going to kill him.

Speaker 8 I know, yeah, I know.

Speaker 9 I know. Hey, Mark.

Speaker 9 You're the best.

Speaker 14 Yes, I am. Thank you.

Speaker 5 You promised me you'd kill him.

Speaker 8 I can't do that.

Speaker 2 Why not?

Speaker 18 Because Julie was a mate of mine. You don't kill your best mate's son, no matter how annoying he is.

Speaker 25 Adopted son. You owe owe him nothing.

Speaker 26 Oh, he's harmless.

Speaker 19 He's a whelp.

Speaker 18 There's nothing he can do to us.

Speaker 26 Kill him. No.

Speaker 18 We're still a republic. I can't just take it over by myself, can I?

Speaker 5 How do you know if you won't try?

Speaker 18 Julie tried, and look what happened to him.

Speaker 24 Is that what you want from me?

Speaker 18 Lying in the forum with swords in my back? Thank you very much.

Speaker 25 You should remember. You deserve it.
Rome deserves it. Quite frankly, I deserve it.

Speaker 8 Look, look, look.

Speaker 19 Don't worry.

Speaker 18 It's all working exactly as we wanted it. I am in charge.
I'm Mark Antony. They love me.

Speaker 18 And Gaius.

Speaker 26 The boy's a washer. He's got no clue at all.

Speaker 8 You wait.

Speaker 18 I've got him wrapped around my little finger, just like I'm wrapped around yours.

Speaker 27 You'd better be right.

Speaker 18 When have I ever been wrong? They keep kissing me.

Speaker 24 They're still watching.

Speaker 25 No, they're not.

Speaker 18 Well, pretend they are.

Speaker 4 The celebrations continued long into the night. Some say the Romans go to war so they can justify the orgy afterwards.

Speaker 7 Some say I do, yeah.

Speaker 4 And the more blood spilt, the more they enjoy it.

Speaker 4 Sort of like a fetish.

Speaker 4 But one man sat alone, away from the throne. Gaius Octavius didn't know how to party.
He only knew how to think.

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 4 No, this doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 What are you saying about Olga?

Speaker 26 Gaia!

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 20 Oh, hello, Mark.

Speaker 26 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 Come and join the gang.

Speaker 20 Oh, uh, later, maybe, later. Mark, come and take a look at this.
Look.

Speaker 18 You're working?

Speaker 20 Yeah, I thought I'd get a head start. Look what I found.
It's maddening.

Speaker 18 Can I sit?

Speaker 20 Sure, let me just.

Speaker 18 My son's around there somewhere. I told him to spend the night with his grandparents.

Speaker 26 Fulvia and I want some privacy tonight.

Speaker 2 Good oh.

Speaker 20 You see here, I found an executive summary from our governor in Syria, and in it, he says...

Speaker 18 Have some wine.

Speaker 8 What?

Speaker 19 Wine!

Speaker 20 Oh, thank you. Anyway, he says, the governor, they're paying far more in interest to the publicani than we're actually making back in taxation.

Speaker 2 Really? Yes, and they're still running up debts like you wouldn't believe.

Speaker 20 Guys, and the magistrates collecting a backhander. I mean, we have to stop this.
It's appalling.

Speaker 19 Gaius,

Speaker 18 put your papers down and understand one simple thing.

Speaker 18 We did it.

Speaker 10 What?

Speaker 8 Rome.

Speaker 19 Us.

Speaker 26 We did it.

Speaker 20 We did it.

Speaker 8 We did it.

Speaker 8 We did it.

Speaker 2 I guess we did it, didn't we?

Speaker 28 Now you're thinking straight.

Speaker 26 You know why they're all happy tonight?

Speaker 16 Those people, our people?

Speaker 28 You know why?

Speaker 9 Tell me.

Speaker 26 Because we get stuff done, my friend.

Speaker 2 We get stuff done.

Speaker 18 That's what we do.

Speaker 8 We're unstoppable.

Speaker 20 Well, I'll drink to that.

Speaker 18 To the Republic.

Speaker 18 If you like.

Speaker 20 Do you think Caesar? I mean, my father, my new father, still feels weird, by the way.

Speaker 18 You'll get used to it.

Speaker 20 Do you think he really wanted to be a

Speaker 10 king?

Speaker 18 Doesn't matter.

Speaker 8 No? No.

Speaker 18 What does matter is the scum who killed him are deadening the ground, and we're still here.

Speaker 12 How many did you kill?

Speaker 2 Eh?

Speaker 17 The enemy, how many?

Speaker 20 Oh, uh, ah what's count.

Speaker 29 You?

Speaker 18 269.

Speaker 20 Nice. What is

Speaker 26 never mind, young guys?

Speaker 11 It's all over now.

Speaker 18 No more civil wars for us.

Speaker 18 You're not much of a fighter on the quiet, are you?

Speaker 10 Well, it's okay, you don't have to be.

Speaker 18 You're the son of Caesar, right? The men respect that.

Speaker 20 Yes,

Speaker 18 but I know how you feel.

Speaker 29 You do? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 8 That was new ones.

Speaker 2 Rome's a tough world.

Speaker 12 Hard to be the bloke who doesn't get his head kicked in.

Speaker 20 I suppose so, yes.

Speaker 18 But look, for whatever reason, Julie adopted you to be his son, and that means something.

Speaker 9 I don't know what, but it does.

Speaker 18 And sure, as his divine spirit is looking over us, I just want you to know that I'm looking out for you too.

Speaker 18 It's going to be okay.

Speaker 10 Thanks, Mark.

Speaker 20 That means a lot.

Speaker 26 No worries, friend.

Speaker 18 And in the days ahead, when it's all going on, doing this and that. well, you know, you can leave it to me, if you ever need to.

Speaker 8 All this, sir.

Speaker 18 It's never too much trouble, right?

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Good.

Speaker 18 Now come on, it's time to enjoy yourself. Plenty of fish in the sea, looking for a hot, strong war hero tonight.

Speaker 20 Guys?

Speaker 20 I was just thinking.

Speaker 18 It can wait till tomorrow.

Speaker 10 It's simply that.

Speaker 26 No, come on, we've won.

Speaker 18 Right now, you and me are the most powerful men in the world. We own the entire Republic of Rome.

Speaker 20 Yes.

Speaker 8 So?

Speaker 2 What are we going to do with it?

Speaker 2 You never met Julius, did you?

Speaker 7 No.

Speaker 4 Well, I served him dates once, but we never spoke. What was he like, if you don't mind me asking?

Speaker 7 Caesar...

Speaker 25 He was

Speaker 7 honest in his own way.

Speaker 4 Do you think he'd have made a good king?

Speaker 7 The Romans don't believe in them. To be honest, nor do I.

Speaker 7 On that subject,

Speaker 7 when is our visitor arriving?

Speaker 4 I believe their ship docked nearby not too long ago. Should I leave you to prepare?

Speaker 7 Oh, no, no.

Speaker 2 I'm ready for him.

Speaker 7 Would you like a honey cake?

Speaker 7 Are you sure?

Speaker 10 Thank you.

Speaker 7 Resume your story. It helps me to think.
Where were we?

Speaker 4 The morning after.

Speaker 4 It was a new dawn for Rome, free from internal strife. Gaius Octavius and Mark Antony were due to meet meet to begin their governance in earnest, and Gaius was well prepared.

Speaker 4 He doubtless spoke of it with his sister, Octavia, known to all as the epitome of virtue.

Speaker 20 Hey, Gaius. Morning.

Speaker 30 Oh, don't talk too much.

Speaker 5 I'm still a bit trashed.

Speaker 3 What time is it?

Speaker 20 Sundown's outside if you want to look.

Speaker 27 Didn't see you out celebrating last night. Surprise, surprise.

Speaker 29 Can't even show up for your own party.

Speaker 10 I was there.

Speaker 20 Briefly.

Speaker 29 You do know it was all for you.

Speaker 20 It was for the armies of Rome and their commanders.

Speaker 29 Including you.

Speaker 20 But mainly Mark.

Speaker 3 Well, of course, they like him.

Speaker 20 Where's the new girl? She just went off tidy up in here. Look at my desk.
It's filthy.

Speaker 2 She's still in bed. In bed?

Speaker 19 Yes.

Speaker 3 Leave her, Gaius.

Speaker 27 We had a very long night.

Speaker 8 I see.

Speaker 13 I think she'll work out.

Speaker 20 Not interested, to be honest. Thank you, Octavia.

Speaker 3 Oh, don't be such a prude.

Speaker 29 You'd understand if you could only find yourself a nice

Speaker 29 to anyone.

Speaker 20 Perhaps I'm pickier than you are. It'd be impossible not to be, wouldn't it?

Speaker 3 What is all this, anyway?

Speaker 29 Reading anything good?

Speaker 20 Corsican tax revenue for the past five years. Very important.

Speaker 27 I'm sure it is. I know how your heart leaps at the sight of a finely written receipt.

Speaker 20 I have responsibilities now. You may not have noticed.
Oh, and I found this amongst my papers. If you could keep your hobbies away from my work...

Speaker 10 What is it?

Speaker 20 The Palatine Players began their new season with a riotous revival of Protus' comedy classic, Asenaria, or The One with the Asses, which in this critic's opinion has really been blah blah blah blah blah.

Speaker 29 No, no, no, keep reading. It's a good review.

Speaker 20 The one with the asses? I hope you mean donkeys.

Speaker 27 Let's see the play and find out. We've been doing ever so well lately.

Speaker 30 Sell-out nights across the board.

Speaker 27 Though I sometimes think we rest on our laurels. Pardon the phrase.

Speaker 20 It's just a theatre company.

Speaker 30 It's my theatre company.

Speaker 19 No, it isn't.

Speaker 29 I pay for it. That makes it my company.
You wanted me to be a patron of the arts, and I'm doing it.

Speaker 20 It's the wrong sort of art.

Speaker 20 I should have had that bunch of parasites shut down years ago.

Speaker 29 You can't.

Speaker 27 They're too popular.

Speaker 20 But they're always slipping in jokes about me.

Speaker 29 Yeah, naturally. They get the biggest laughs.
Gaius, if you give the people entertainment and a way to blow off steam now and then...

Speaker 20 Then you make them restless.

Speaker 29 You make them happy.

Speaker 29 I'm sure I'm doing more for Rome with my plays than you are with all your dull reports.

Speaker 3 Stop it.

Speaker 20 That's my intrigue.

Speaker 20 What is it?

Speaker 21 Hello there.

Speaker 31 Only me.

Speaker 20 Oh, Lepidus. Good morning.

Speaker 21 Your servants let me in.

Speaker 32 Not disturbing you, am I?

Speaker 8 No, not at all.

Speaker 20 Please, make yourself at home. We'll be setting up in the dining room.

Speaker 26 Oh, going to eat, are we?

Speaker 9 Uh, no.

Speaker 20 Sorry.

Speaker 24 Oh, shame. Still, raring to go, getting stuck in, what?

Speaker 20 That's right. In you go, won't be a moment.

Speaker 3 Lepidus?

Speaker 3 Seriously, Lepidus?

Speaker 29 He's in the gang?

Speaker 20 He was a key part of our victory.

Speaker 3 But he's such a fool.

Speaker 20 Even fools have their uses, especially when they're well connected.

Speaker 3 Does Mark know about this?

Speaker 29 He'll hit the roof.

Speaker 2 He'll tear the old man apart.

Speaker 20 No, he won't. He knows already.
I think.

Speaker 30 Why bother with Mark anyway?

Speaker 29 He's popular, but he doesn't know the first thing about government.

Speaker 20 Now, that isn't fair. I spoke to him last night.

Speaker 20 He may be full of himself, yes, but he cares about Rome. And he's taken this very seriously.
I know he is. Oh.

Speaker 6 So, why isn't he here yet?

Speaker 4 Mark Antony was nearby. He'd been waylaid by friends, that was all.

Speaker 9 How's that?

Speaker 14 Now, someone pull me a proper treat.

Speaker 23 Oh, hang on.

Speaker 16 Duty calls.

Speaker 18 It's my first day at work, don't you know?

Speaker 23 You'll show the moves, boss.

Speaker 16 You bet I will.

Speaker 11 Wish me luck, lads.

Speaker 16 What I do, I do for Rome.

Speaker 19 Oh,

Speaker 16 when are we getting paid?

Speaker 13 What's that?

Speaker 4 It's just

Speaker 29 after the campaign we just had and everything.

Speaker 20 You see, sir,

Speaker 22 none of us are wealthy men,

Speaker 22 and we were sort of looking forward to getting what's owed to us.

Speaker 12 What's owed to you?

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 28 Like the rest of our wages and the bonus you mentioned we all want to buy some land to call our own you see settle down run farms raise our families right

Speaker 22 yes and uh not being funny or anything but there's not much food kicking about and we're all hungry yeah you can hardly even find bread these days

Speaker 23 well yes of course uh wages land

Speaker 19 food

Speaker 11 goes without saying.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 22 So.

Speaker 12 When do you reckon we might get all that?

Speaker 9 Uh.

Speaker 22 We know you won't let us down, sir.

Speaker 6 No, no.

Speaker 14 I will not do that. No, definitely not.

Speaker 23 It's just that. He's letting us down.
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 9 On the contrary, my friend.

Speaker 23 On the contrary.

Speaker 11 You see, I'm going to.

Speaker 14 I'm going into that meeting.

Speaker 16 Right now.

Speaker 9 to

Speaker 16 the first of a new and improved republic to sit with

Speaker 12 Gaius Octavius, the son of the divine Julius Caesar.

Speaker 14 And I will

Speaker 8 see to it personally that you all get your money and food and everything you need immediately.

Speaker 23 Straight away.

Speaker 6 Now.

Speaker 9 How's that sound?

Speaker 24 Okay, that worked.

Speaker 26 Now,

Speaker 14 which way am I going?

Speaker 4 As the general sought out the home of Gaius Octavius, his new colleagues awaited him with eager anticipation.

Speaker 8 Oh, um,

Speaker 24 my aunt was asking after you.

Speaker 6 Sorry?

Speaker 23 My aunt, Claudia.

Speaker 12 She wanted to know if you were keeping well.

Speaker 6 Oh.

Speaker 6 Good?

Speaker 20 I said you were.

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 26 Hope that's all right.

Speaker 21 You know, saying that.

Speaker 6 Sure.

Speaker 6 Ah, good.

Speaker 32 Thought I might have said too much. Careless talk costs lives and all that.

Speaker 20 Sure.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 26 Good thinking.

Speaker 10 Finally.

Speaker 12 I swear this hill isn't normally here.

Speaker 20 Ah, Mark. Good morning.

Speaker 6 There he is, my boy.

Speaker 12 Good to see you, friend.

Speaker 31 Exciting, yeah?

Speaker 6 All this?

Speaker 31 Exciting.

Speaker 26 Yes, it is.

Speaker 20 Uh, you know, Lepidus, of course.

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 6 Oh, yeah. Morning.

Speaker 6 Sorry.

Speaker 32 That's alright.

Speaker 16 Grand.

Speaker 6 So, uh.

Speaker 6 Um.

Speaker 26 Take a seat?

Speaker 6 Yes.

Speaker 15 Now that you mention it, cheers.

Speaker 6 Any of them?

Speaker 6 Anyone? Yep.

Speaker 6 Wow.

Speaker 9 That's better.

Speaker 20 Okay, I think I'll start. Oh, do help yourself to refreshments.
And there's a bowl of grapes there if anyone's hungry.

Speaker 6 I'll take those. Oh,

Speaker 6 absolutely starving.

Speaker 6 Blimey.

Speaker 6 Um, Mark.

Speaker 9 Hmm.

Speaker 20 I'm not trying to put you on the spot here,

Speaker 20 but are you drunk?

Speaker 6 Well,

Speaker 6 I might be.

Speaker 15 Who can say?

Speaker 20 I mean, we can, because you look really drunk.

Speaker 21 I can keep up with the chat, don't you worry.

Speaker 6 The cogs are worrying.

Speaker 20 Are you sure?

Speaker 33 Yeah, crack on.

Speaker 20 Okay, well, greetings, both of you, to what I'm sure will be the first of many

Speaker 20 stimulating and productive meetings about the running of our glorious republic.

Speaker 16 Yes!

Speaker 19 Stirring stuff.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes, top draw.

Speaker 8 Thank you.

Speaker 20 We are, uh...

Speaker 20 We are great men. I, Gaius Octavius, son of the divine Julius.
Mark Antony, general of the armies of Rome.

Speaker 6 That's me.

Speaker 20 And Aemilius Lepidus, without whom we could never have raised the capital to raise the armies.

Speaker 2 The Roman state owes you a great deal.

Speaker 31 Oh, pleasure, pleasure.

Speaker 26 Nice to be involved.

Speaker 20 The future prosperity of the Roman Republic now rests between the three of us, and we will succeed.

Speaker 6 Wait, hold on.

Speaker 31 This bloke's working with us.

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 16 You mean he's in charge?

Speaker 6 Like us?

Speaker 20 What did you think he was doing here?

Speaker 23 I thought he was the secretary.

Speaker 15 Like, taking the minutes.

Speaker 31 No. Well, I can do that too, if it'd be useful.

Speaker 20 No, no, that's fine. Mark, we agreed that Lepidus would join us.
That's what the Senate ratified yesterday. We're a triumvirate.

Speaker 19 Oh, what?

Speaker 20 Triumvirate.

Speaker 2 Three of us.

Speaker 20 To make sure that supreme power never gets concentrated in one person. They think it's safer that way.

Speaker 6 Three of us.

Speaker 20 Yes.

Speaker 6 Oh, are you all right, Mark? Oh, carry on.

Speaker 6 Okay.

Speaker 20 Well, as the ruling triumvirate of the Republic of Rome, we face many challenges, as we all know.

Speaker 20 Yes. We must strive to meet them.
For the good of the people of Rome, and also, to be fair, for us.

Speaker 16 So, land!

Speaker 33 What?

Speaker 21 They want to buy land.

Speaker 6 The soldiers. And food.

Speaker 15 Money and food.

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 20 Well, that is actually at the top of our agenda today. Thank you, Mark.

Speaker 6 Welcome.

Speaker 20 Thanks to Lepidus, we covered the initial costs of our most recent campaign against the killers of my late divine father.

Speaker 31 Lovely man.

Speaker 20 Yep, but now we need to pay off the rest of it to the tune of

Speaker 20 approximately 300 million sesterces.

Speaker 19 How much?

Speaker 20 It's a big army. It costs a lot.

Speaker 6 Hmm.

Speaker 26 What have we got in the coffers?

Speaker 20 Not much. In fact, not only are we low on money, we are also facing a massive food shortage.

Speaker 18 Oh, dear.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 20 So, while we tackle that growing problem, we're also looking for a way to settle our account with the armies before they get

Speaker 33 restless.

Speaker 20 Lepidus, do you have any ideas on that front?

Speaker 6 Ah, now.

Speaker 31 I was thinking about this, and um.

Speaker 31 No, I haven't.

Speaker 1 Nothing.

Speaker 20 Okay.

Speaker 26 Sorry.

Speaker 20 No, it's a tough problem.

Speaker 21 I suppose Rome wasn't built in a day, huh?

Speaker 6 Was it?

Speaker 16 Look, the way I see it,

Speaker 16 we need

Speaker 9 stuff,

Speaker 9 right?

Speaker 6 And we don't have it.

Speaker 20 Correct.

Speaker 15 Then, let's take it from people who do.

Speaker 6 Simple.

Speaker 20 Well, actually, as it happens, I've been looking through our treaties with neighboring kingdoms, and I think Egypt is the best shout. Done.

Speaker 20 Now, as we can see from the treaty, they've got grain and gold aplenty, and they might even have land for any men who want to live there.

Speaker 6 Oh, living abroad.

Speaker 31 Nice idea.

Speaker 20 So, I move that we open diplomatic channels with Queen Cleopatra immediately. All in favour?

Speaker 16 Diplomatic channels?

Speaker 11 I'm not talking about having a talk.

Speaker 15 I'm talking about not talking and acting instead.

Speaker 20 I'm sure Cleopatra will be amenable to our needs after some

Speaker 20 polite conversation.

Speaker 21 That Egyptian harlot?

Speaker 19 You can't trust her.

Speaker 20 The Egyptian queen? Yes, we can.

Speaker 12 Mate, we've garrisons in Egypt.

Speaker 15 We can take what we need by force.

Speaker 20 We had to recall our men from Egypt to fight at Philippi.

Speaker 16 Well, send them back.

Speaker 15 We can win any war.

Speaker 23 Our armies are unbeatable.

Speaker 20 These would be the armies we haven't paid yet for the last war they fought for us? Yeah, I don't suppose they'd take it on credit.

Speaker 20 I doubt it. I say if we want the resources of Egypt, then diplomatic overtures to Cleopatra is the best way forward at the present time.
All in favor?

Speaker 15 May one speak?

Speaker 20 Please. Everyone's opinion here is equally important.

Speaker 15 Go ahead. Your idea stinks.

Speaker 33 Right.

Speaker 21 We are Romans.

Speaker 16 We don't ask.

Speaker 15 If we need something, we take it. That's the way it's always been.

Speaker 20 And I'm sure it will be again. But right now, we've got to regroup, to rebuild, so we can write this out.

Speaker 18 And how long will that take?

Speaker 20 I expect a few months. That's why we need to start.
Months?

Speaker 16 Those men out there won't wait months. They need paying now.

Speaker 20 Mark, Rome hasn't any money. It hasn't any food.
We have nothing to offer these men unless we can- You're worse than the Senate.

Speaker 6 Talk, talk, talk.

Speaker 15 Where's the action?

Speaker 34 Where are you going?

Speaker 20 Mark?

Speaker 19 I say, is the meeting over?

Speaker 16 I'll tell you where I'm going.

Speaker 15 I'm going to the middle of that forum and I'm going to talk to the men and I'm going to tell them that we're invading Egypt now.

Speaker 19 What?

Speaker 21 No ifs, no buts, and that's a guarantee from all three of us.

Speaker 20 You can't do that.

Speaker 16 Gaius, you have no idea what I can do.

Speaker 20 No, I mean you can't go out there. Look at you.
You've pissed yourself.

Speaker 8 Have Have I?

Speaker 19 Oh, what? I don't believe this.

Speaker 6 Oh, no.

Speaker 19 Has anyone got to tell me?

Speaker 20 Use the treaty. Don't use the treaty.

Speaker 26 Mate, I've got to use something.

Speaker 24 It's all over the floor.

Speaker 27 Hey, guys, can I borrow you for a second?

Speaker 20 Not now, Octavia.

Speaker 29 It's quite urgent, though. See, there's a mob of soldiers outside, and they're getting impatient.

Speaker 8 Oh, gods.

Speaker 3 Do you want me to pass a message?

Speaker 23 Yeah, tell them I'm not here.

Speaker 20 Mark, we've got to deal with this.

Speaker 8 Tell them to go away then.

Speaker 2 We can't.

Speaker 19 But we're in charge. Don't they know that?

Speaker 26 They'll do what we tell them because we are in charge.

Speaker 30 Have you pissed on our floor?

Speaker 19 Clearly, yes.

Speaker 8 Now find some towels.

Speaker 31 If the meeting's over, I thought I might head off for an early lunch.

Speaker 31 Incredible.

Speaker 7 The situation sounds worse than I'd ever dared to hope. And is all of this really true?

Speaker 8 Um,

Speaker 4 I've filled in a few gaps, but I drew upon the reports of our spies in Rome. The Triumvirs intend to seek aid from us.
It can only be a matter of time.

Speaker 7 Oh, thank you, Charmian. You have a knack for bringing these matters to life.
Makes it so much easier to know what to do.

Speaker 4 My queen is too kind. I've always enjoyed telling stories.

Speaker 7 You've got a real gift. I shall make full use of it.

Speaker 7 And if I'm not mistaken, it sounds like we finally have company.

Speaker 7 Trust him to be late. You'll do the honors, won't you?

Speaker 2 My lady. What is going on around here?

Speaker 4 I demand... Silence!

Speaker 4 You kneel in the presence of the Almighty, beloved by her father and her people.

Speaker 4 Abase yourself before the infinite majesty of the rightful Pharaoh of Egypt, the living goddess and our queen, Cleopatra!

Speaker 34 I know that.

Speaker 7 I'm her husband, Ptolemy, dear. I'm so sorry to get you out of bed like this.
Oh, it must have been quite a surprise to you and whomever or whatever you were sharing it with.

Speaker 34 Get me out of bed? You've dragged me all the way to Greece.

Speaker 7 I was still in Egypt a week ago. Well, I wasn't cutting my holiday short just because of you.

Speaker 2 Holiday?

Speaker 34 You've never taken a day off in your life.

Speaker 7 You take more than enough for both of us. Charmian,

Speaker 7 how many was it?

Speaker 4 Too many to count.

Speaker 7 Not a good look for a king, is it?

Speaker 4 Not a good look at all.

Speaker 34 You can't treat me like this.

Speaker 2 I am Egypt's king.

Speaker 2 I outrank you.

Speaker 34 You're committing treason. I hope you know that.

Speaker 7 I do.

Speaker 7 But here we are.

Speaker 2 What do you want from me?

Speaker 7 From you?

Speaker 7 Nothing.

Speaker 7 You're of no use to me, to Egypt, or to anyone. I'd half a mind to leave you alone, but you're always whining and causing a scene.

Speaker 4 Or plotting to remove the queen.

Speaker 7 Yes, because you're right. I don't take a holiday without cause.
I left Egypt to see what you'd do, and you rather took the bait.

Speaker 2 I don't know what you mean.

Speaker 7 But your conspirators do. They're all dead.
So instead of keeping you hanging around, I thought it best if I

Speaker 7 didn't.

Speaker 7 But

Speaker 34 I am your brother.

Speaker 8 Yes.

Speaker 7 Marrying one's brother, hmm, never my favorite part of the job. Still, with you gone, I won't have to do it ever again, will I?

Speaker 34 You're going to have me executed?

Speaker 9 No,

Speaker 7 I believe if we want something done, you should do it yourself.

Speaker 7 Good.

Speaker 7 That was simple enough. Have his body dumped in the sea.

Speaker 4 Of course, my lady.

Speaker 20 Remove it!

Speaker 7 And now, a change of scenery.

Speaker 4 Shall I instruct the captain to ready our ship for Egypt?

Speaker 7 No, we're not returning home just yet. We're going to Italy.

Speaker 3 Italy?

Speaker 6 Really?

Speaker 7 We mustn't keep our Roman friends waiting, must we? Matters like these require the uh personal touch.

Speaker 4 Is it wise for you to return there so soon? After Caesar's death?

Speaker 7 Your concern is noted, Charmian, but unnecessary. I feel quite able to face Rome once again.

Speaker 7 After all, it's time we all knew who's really in charge.

Speaker 4 Cry Havoc Ask Questions Later is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 international license.

Speaker 4 This series is created by David K. Barnes and directed by Amani Zardot.
This episode was written by David K. Barnes.

Speaker 4 It was edited by James Austin, Laurie Ann Davis, Tessa Vroom, Meg Nichella, Catherine Seaton, and Catherine Rinella, with scoring by Sam Jones.

Speaker 4 Today's episode features Kazim Tosin Amore, Harry Roebuck, Lara Sawalha, Sarah Aha, Sarah Lambie, and Andrew Seacombe, with additional voices from Ahmed El-Jabri, Mark Nicholson, and Pip Gladwin.

Speaker 4 Cry Havoc, Ask Questions Later, is produced by Natalie Winter, Catherine Lindemann and production manager Natasha Johnston with executive producers Alexander Jane Mule and April Sumner.

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Tweet us at the RustyQuill. Visit us on Facebook or email us at mail at rustyquill.com.

Speaker 4 Thanks for listening.

Speaker 1 If you enjoyed this episode, you can find all 20 episodes by searching for Cry Havoc Ask Questions Later, wherever you find podcasts, or by clicking the link in the show notes.

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