RQ Original Feed Drop - Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later

Hi there!

Billy Hindle, the voice of Alice Dyer in the Magnus Protocol.

Today we are sharing with you the first episode of our very own Rusty Quill original show, Cry Havoc, Ask Questions Later.

Cry Havoc is a political sitcom written by David K.

Barnes, set in ancient Rome.

Julius Caesar is dead, but Rome's new leaders just can't get along.

Gaius, Caesar's heir, is a stressed control freak.

Mark Antony is charismatic, but deeply irresponsible.

Rome is on the verge of collapse, and and they desperately need to schmooze Queen Cleopatra of Egypt to try and save it.

There's also Gaius' sister, Octavia.

She's meant to be a respectable Roman lady, but she drinks too much, sleeps with other women, and, most scandalous of all, she likes theatre.

Her company, the Palatine Players, staged comedies making fun of her brother, and a new actress has caught Octavia's eye.

You may recognise some familiar voice talents from the Magnus Protocol in Cry Havoc, including Sarah Lambie, Kazim To Sunomore, Ryan Hope Ver Anderson, Harry Roebuck, Ellie Dickens, and more.

You can listen to more episodes of this series by searching for Cry Havoc Ask Questions Later, wherever you listen to podcasts, or by clicking the link in the show notes.

For more information, visit www.rustyquill.com.

Have fun and enjoy the episode.

Not long ago, in a distant land, there lived a warrior of great and noble deeds.

He wished to rule the people of his city as their king.

But his friends didn't think it was a good idea, so they killed him.

That's right, isn't it?

Broadly.

I don't want to get the facts wrong.

Don't worry about those.

Just tell me the story.

Alright.

Well,

they ran away,

the killers, I mean, to the plains of Philippi.

There they raised an army.

They knew they'd soon be followed.

For two men sought revenge against their crime.

Two men forged in opposites.

The first strong of muscle, the second, strong of mind.

United in common cause.

And what did these two men do?

Basically,

they won.

We did it, lads!

We bloody did it!

All right, all right.

Now,

you know I'm not much of a speaker.

I never even passed my Latin.

but if any occasion deserves a few words it's this one because you boys were incredible out there I mean that was peak performance

Rome is proud of each and every one of you here today and that goes double for me this was no ordinary war we fought no foreign enemy These were Romans like you and me

Some may have even been our friends once.

I wouldn't have blamed you for finding this one a struggle if you'd put down your swords and said,

this far

and no further.

But each of you put his duty first.

You fought like lions.

And Brutus may have been an honorable man, but we bloody well showed him a thing or two.

Didn't we?

My old mate Julius is looking down upon us and he saw justice done this day

and here standing with me at my side is his very own son He fought with us.

He's your friend and mine.

He's Gaius Octavius Caesar

Hello everyone.

Oh son of the divine Julius Caesar inheritor of his titles and estates.

Have you anything to add on this day of victory?

Me?

Yes.

Uh.

Anything on this august occasion?

Uh

no.

No, I think you just about covered everything.

Yep.

What's the matter?

There's just so many of them just looking at me.

And

I've lost my voice.

You lose more than your voice if you don't say something inspiring.

Well, go on, give it some.

Uh, that is to say,

I have nothing else to add, but

well done,

you

men.

Well done,

yes.

Well,

the son of the divine Julius has spoken.

And uh,

now that's done with, we celebrate.

Who wants to go and get hammered?

Yeah, sure.

Your plan.

Rome's enemies lay vanquished in the field, and there were no more left to fight.

Mark Antony and Gaius Octavius had won.

Rome was theirs to rule.

And that's when their troubles would really begin.

Rusty Quill presents.

Cry Havoc.

Ask questions later.

Episode 1.

After Caesar.

The armies returned to Rome in triumph, and there was much rejoicing.

General Mark Antony embraced his loving wife, the model of a Roman woman.

Fulvia!

Mark!

Oh Mark, I missed you so.

And I missed you, my love.

How'd it go out there?

Fine, it was dead easy.

You'd have loved it.

Lots of big, handsome men murking up a sweat.

No problems with the army.

They'll do whatever I tell them.

So it's over then.

Rome is ours.

Yeah.

She can't keep her hands off me, lads.

The Senate's already ratified it.

As from now, I'm running the show.

Yes, finally.

We can get things done around here.

Just you and me.

Oh, Mark.

I mean, it's a bit more complicated.

But basically, yes.

What do you mean?

Are you in charge or not?

Yeah, absolutely.

Me

and Gaius.

You and Gaius?

Yeah,

Julie's boy.

I know who he is.

You said you were going to kill him.

I know, yeah, I know.

I know.

Hey, Mark.

You're the best.

Yes, I am.

Thank you.

You promised me you'd kill him.

I can't do that.

Why not?

Because Julie was a mate of mine.

You don't kill your best mate's son, no matter how annoying he is.

Adopted son.

You owe owe him nothing.

Oh, he's harmless.

He's a whelp.

There's nothing he can do to us.

Kill him.

No.

We're still a republic.

I can't just take it over by myself, can I?

How do you know if you won't try?

Julie tried, and look what happened to him.

Is that what you want from me?

Lying in the forum with swords in my back?

Thank you very much.

You should remember.

You deserve it.

Rome deserves it.

Quite frankly, I deserve it.

Look, look, look.

Don't worry.

It's all working exactly as we wanted it.

I am in charge.

I'm Mark Antony.

They love me.

And Gaius.

The boy's a washer.

He's got no clue at all.

You wait.

I've got him wrapped around my little finger, just like I'm wrapped around yours.

You'd better be right.

When have I ever been wrong?

They keep kissing me.

They're still watching.

No, they're not.

Well, pretend they are.

The celebrations continued long into the night.

Some say the Romans go to war so they can justify the orgy afterwards.

Some say I do, yeah.

And the more blood spilt, the more they enjoy it.

Sort of like a fetish.

But one man sat alone, away from the throne.

Gaius Octavius didn't know how to party.

He only knew how to think.

No.

No, this doesn't make any sense.

What are you saying about Olga?

Gaia!

What?

Oh, hello, Mark.

What are you doing?

Come and join the gang.

Oh, uh, later, maybe, later.

Mark, come and take a look at this.

Look.

You're working?

Yeah, I thought I'd get a head start.

Look what I found.

It's maddening.

Can I sit?

Sure, let me just.

My son's around there somewhere.

I told him to spend the night with his grandparents.

Fulvia and I want some privacy tonight.

Good oh.

You see here, I found an executive summary from our governor in Syria, and in it, he says...

Have some wine.

What?

Wine!

Oh, thank you.

Anyway, he says, the governor, they're paying far more in interest to the publicani than we're actually making back in taxation.

Really?

Yes, and they're still running up debts like you wouldn't believe.

Guys, and the magistrates collecting a backhander.

I mean, we have to stop this.

It's appalling.

Gaius,

put your papers down and understand one simple thing.

We did it.

What?

Rome.

Us.

We did it.

We did it.

We did it.

We did it.

I guess we did it, didn't we?

Now you're thinking straight.

You know why they're all happy tonight?

Those people, our people?

You know why?

Tell me.

Because we get stuff done, my friend.

We get stuff done.

That's what we do.

We're unstoppable.

Well, I'll drink to that.

To the Republic.

If you like.

Do you think Caesar?

I mean, my father, my new father, still feels weird, by the way.

You'll get used to it.

Do you think he really wanted to be a

king?

Doesn't matter.

No?

No.

What does matter is the scum who killed him are deadening the ground, and we're still here.

How many did you kill?

Eh?

The enemy, how many?

Oh, uh, ah what's count.

You?

269.

Nice.

What is

never mind, young guys?

It's all over now.

No more civil wars for us.

You're not much of a fighter on the quiet, are you?

Well, it's okay, you don't have to be.

You're the son of Caesar, right?

The men respect that.

Yes,

but I know how you feel.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

That was new ones.

Rome's a tough world.

Hard to be the bloke who doesn't get his head kicked in.

I suppose so, yes.

But look, for whatever reason, Julie adopted you to be his son, and that means something.

I don't know what, but it does.

And sure, as his divine spirit is looking over us, I just want you to know that I'm looking out for you too.

It's going to be okay.

Thanks, Mark.

That means a lot.

No worries, friend.

And in the days ahead, when it's all going on, doing this and that.

well, you know, you can leave it to me, if you ever need to.

All this, sir.

It's never too much trouble, right?

Yeah.

Good.

Now come on, it's time to enjoy yourself.

Plenty of fish in the sea, looking for a hot, strong war hero tonight.

Guys?

I was just thinking.

It can wait till tomorrow.

It's simply that.

No, come on, we've won.

Right now, you and me are the most powerful men in the world.

We own the entire Republic of Rome.

Yes.

So?

What are we going to do with it?

You never met Julius, did you?

No.

Well, I served him dates once, but we never spoke.

What was he like, if you don't mind me asking?

Caesar...

He was

honest in his own way.

Do you think he'd have made a good king?

The Romans don't believe in them.

To be honest, nor do I.

On that subject,

when is our visitor arriving?

I believe their ship docked nearby not too long ago.

Should I leave you to prepare?

Oh, no, no.

I'm ready for him.

Would you like a honey cake?

Are you sure?

Thank you.

Resume your story.

It helps me to think.

Where were we?

The morning after.

It was a new dawn for Rome, free from internal strife.

Gaius Octavius and Mark Antony were due to meet meet to begin their governance in earnest, and Gaius was well prepared.

He doubtless spoke of it with his sister, Octavia, known to all as the epitome of virtue.

Hey, Gaius.

Morning.

Oh, don't talk too much.

I'm still a bit trashed.

What time is it?

Sundown's outside if you want to look.

Didn't see you out celebrating last night.

Surprise, surprise.

Can't even show up for your own party.

I was there.

Briefly.

You do know it was all for you.

It was for the armies of Rome and their commanders.

Including you.

But mainly Mark.

Well, of course, they like him.

Where's the new girl?

She just went off tidy up in here.

Look at my desk.

It's filthy.

She's still in bed.

In bed?

Yes.

Leave her, Gaius.

We had a very long night.

I see.

I think she'll work out.

Not interested, to be honest.

Thank you, Octavia.

Oh, don't be such a prude.

You'd understand if you could only find yourself a nice

to anyone.

Perhaps I'm pickier than you are.

It'd be impossible not to be, wouldn't it?

What is all this, anyway?

Reading anything good?

Corsican tax revenue for the past five years.

Very important.

I'm sure it is.

I know how your heart leaps at the sight of a finely written receipt.

I have responsibilities now.

You may not have noticed.

Oh, and I found this amongst my papers.

If you could keep your hobbies away from my work...

What is it?

The Palatine Players began their new season with a riotous revival of Protus' comedy classic, Asenaria, or The One with the Asses, which in this critic's opinion has really been blah blah blah blah blah.

No, no, no, keep reading.

It's a good review.

The one with the asses?

I hope you mean donkeys.

Let's see the play and find out.

We've been doing ever so well lately.

Sell-out nights across the board.

Though I sometimes think we rest on our laurels.

Pardon the phrase.

It's just a theatre company.

It's my theatre company.

No, it isn't.

I pay for it.

That makes it my company.

You wanted me to be a patron of the arts, and I'm doing it.

It's the wrong sort of art.

I should have had that bunch of parasites shut down years ago.

You can't.

They're too popular.

But they're always slipping in jokes about me.

Yeah, naturally.

They get the biggest laughs.

Gaius, if you give the people entertainment and a way to blow off steam now and then...

Then you make them restless.

You make them happy.

I'm sure I'm doing more for Rome with my plays than you are with all your dull reports.

Stop it.

That's my intrigue.

What is it?

Hello there.

Only me.

Oh, Lepidus.

Good morning.

Your servants let me in.

Not disturbing you, am I?

No, not at all.

Please, make yourself at home.

We'll be setting up in the dining room.

Oh, going to eat, are we?

Uh, no.

Sorry.

Oh, shame.

Still, raring to go, getting stuck in, what?

That's right.

In you go, won't be a moment.

Lepidus?

Seriously, Lepidus?

He's in the gang?

He was a key part of our victory.

But he's such a fool.

Even fools have their uses, especially when they're well connected.

Does Mark know about this?

He'll hit the roof.

He'll tear the old man apart.

No, he won't.

He knows already.

I think.

Why bother with Mark anyway?

He's popular, but he doesn't know the first thing about government.

Now, that isn't fair.

I spoke to him last night.

He may be full of himself, yes, but he cares about Rome.

And he's taken this very seriously.

I know he is.

Oh.

So, why isn't he here yet?

Mark Antony was nearby.

He'd been waylaid by friends, that was all.

How's that?

Now, someone pull me a proper treat.

Oh, hang on.

Duty calls.

It's my first day at work, don't you know?

You'll show the moves, boss.

You bet I will.

Wish me luck, lads.

What I do, I do for Rome.

Oh,

when are we getting paid?

What's that?

It's just

after the campaign we just had and everything.

You see, sir,

none of us are wealthy men,

and we were sort of looking forward to getting what's owed to us.

What's owed to you?

Yeah.

Like the rest of our wages and the bonus you mentioned we all want to buy some land to call our own you see settle down run farms raise our families right

yes and uh not being funny or anything but there's not much food kicking about and we're all hungry yeah you can hardly even find bread these days

well yes of course uh wages land

food

goes without saying.

Yeah.

So.

When do you reckon we might get all that?

Uh.

We know you won't let us down, sir.

No, no.

I will not do that.

No, definitely not.

It's just that.

He's letting us down.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

On the contrary, my friend.

On the contrary.

You see, I'm going to.

I'm going into that meeting.

Right now.

to

the first of a new and improved republic to sit with

Gaius Octavius, the son of the divine Julius Caesar.

And I will

see to it personally that you all get your money and food and everything you need immediately.

Straight away.

Now.

How's that sound?

Okay, that worked.

Now,

which way am I going?

As the general sought out the home of Gaius Octavius, his new colleagues awaited him with eager anticipation.

Oh, um,

my aunt was asking after you.

Sorry?

My aunt, Claudia.

She wanted to know if you were keeping well.

Oh.

Good?

I said you were.

Yes.

Hope that's all right.

You know, saying that.

Sure.

Ah, good.

Thought I might have said too much.

Careless talk costs lives and all that.

Sure.

Yeah.

Good thinking.

Finally.

I swear this hill isn't normally here.

Ah, Mark.

Good morning.

There he is, my boy.

Good to see you, friend.

Exciting, yeah?

All this?

Exciting.

Yes, it is.

Uh, you know, Lepidus, of course.

What?

Oh, yeah.

Morning.

Sorry.

That's alright.

Grand.

So, uh.

Um.

Take a seat?

Yes.

Now that you mention it, cheers.

Any of them?

Anyone?

Yep.

Wow.

That's better.

Okay, I think I'll start.

Oh, do help yourself to refreshments.

And there's a bowl of grapes there if anyone's hungry.

I'll take those.

Oh,

absolutely starving.

Blimey.

Um, Mark.

Hmm.

I'm not trying to put you on the spot here,

but are you drunk?

Well,

I might be.

Who can say?

I mean, we can, because you look really drunk.

I can keep up with the chat, don't you worry.

The cogs are worrying.

Are you sure?

Yeah, crack on.

Okay, well, greetings, both of you, to what I'm sure will be the first of many

stimulating and productive meetings about the running of our glorious republic.

Yes!

Stirring stuff.

Oh, yes, top draw.

Thank you.

We are, uh...

We are great men.

I, Gaius Octavius, son of the divine Julius.

Mark Antony, general of the armies of Rome.

That's me.

And Aemilius Lepidus, without whom we could never have raised the capital to raise the armies.

The Roman state owes you a great deal.

Oh, pleasure, pleasure.

Nice to be involved.

The future prosperity of the Roman Republic now rests between the three of us, and we will succeed.

Wait, hold on.

This bloke's working with us.

Yes.

You mean he's in charge?

Like us?

What did you think he was doing here?

I thought he was the secretary.

Like, taking the minutes.

No.

Well, I can do that too, if it'd be useful.

No, no, that's fine.

Mark, we agreed that Lepidus would join us.

That's what the Senate ratified yesterday.

We're a triumvirate.

Oh, what?

Triumvirate.

Three of us.

To make sure that supreme power never gets concentrated in one person.

They think it's safer that way.

Three of us.

Yes.

Oh, are you all right, Mark?

Oh, carry on.

Okay.

Well, as the ruling triumvirate of the Republic of Rome, we face many challenges, as we all know.

Yes.

We must strive to meet them.

For the good of the people of Rome, and also, to be fair, for us.

So, land!

What?

They want to buy land.

The soldiers.

And food.

Money and food.

Right.

Well, that is actually at the top of our agenda today.

Thank you, Mark.

Welcome.

Thanks to Lepidus, we covered the initial costs of our most recent campaign against the killers of my late divine father.

Lovely man.

Yep, but now we need to pay off the rest of it to the tune of

approximately 300 million sesterces.

How much?

It's a big army.

It costs a lot.

Hmm.

What have we got in the coffers?

Not much.

In fact, not only are we low on money, we are also facing a massive food shortage.

Oh, dear.

No.

So, while we tackle that growing problem, we're also looking for a way to settle our account with the armies before they get

restless.

Lepidus, do you have any ideas on that front?

Ah, now.

I was thinking about this, and um.

No, I haven't.

Nothing.

Okay.

Sorry.

No, it's a tough problem.

I suppose Rome wasn't built in a day, huh?

Was it?

Look, the way I see it,

we need

stuff,

right?

And we don't have it.

Correct.

Then, let's take it from people who do.

Simple.

Well, actually, as it happens, I've been looking through our treaties with neighboring kingdoms, and I think Egypt is the best shout.

Done.

Now, as we can see from the treaty, they've got grain and gold aplenty, and they might even have land for any men who want to live there.

Oh, living abroad.

Nice idea.

So, I move that we open diplomatic channels with Queen Cleopatra immediately.

All in favour?

Diplomatic channels?

I'm not talking about having a talk.

I'm talking about not talking and acting instead.

I'm sure Cleopatra will be amenable to our needs after some

polite conversation.

That Egyptian harlot?

You can't trust her.

The Egyptian queen?

Yes, we can.

Mate, we've garrisons in Egypt.

We can take what we need by force.

We had to recall our men from Egypt to fight at Philippi.

Well, send them back.

We can win any war.

Our armies are unbeatable.

These would be the armies we haven't paid yet for the last war they fought for us?

Yeah, I don't suppose they'd take it on credit.

I doubt it.

I say if we want the resources of Egypt, then diplomatic overtures to Cleopatra is the best way forward at the present time.

All in favor?

May one speak?

Please.

Everyone's opinion here is equally important.

Go ahead.

Your idea stinks.

Right.

We are Romans.

We don't ask.

If we need something, we take it.

That's the way it's always been.

And I'm sure it will be again.

But right now, we've got to regroup, to rebuild, so we can write this out.

And how long will that take?

I expect a few months.

That's why we need to start.

Months?

Those men out there won't wait months.

They need paying now.

Mark, Rome hasn't any money.

It hasn't any food.

We have nothing to offer these men unless we can- You're worse than the Senate.

Talk, talk, talk.

Where's the action?

Where are you going?

Mark?

I say, is the meeting over?

I'll tell you where I'm going.

I'm going to the middle of that forum and I'm going to talk to the men and I'm going to tell them that we're invading Egypt now.

What?

No ifs, no buts, and that's a guarantee from all three of us.

You can't do that.

Gaius, you have no idea what I can do.

No, I mean you can't go out there.

Look at you.

You've pissed yourself.

Have Have I?

Oh, what?

I don't believe this.

Oh, no.

Has anyone got to tell me?

Use the treaty.

Don't use the treaty.

Mate, I've got to use something.

It's all over the floor.

Hey, guys, can I borrow you for a second?

Not now, Octavia.

It's quite urgent, though.

See, there's a mob of soldiers outside, and they're getting impatient.

Oh, gods.

Do you want me to pass a message?

Yeah, tell them I'm not here.

Mark, we've got to deal with this.

Tell them to go away then.

We can't.

But we're in charge.

Don't they know that?

They'll do what we tell them because we are in charge.

Have you pissed on our floor?

Clearly, yes.

Now find some towels.

If the meeting's over, I thought I might head off for an early lunch.

Incredible.

The situation sounds worse than I'd ever dared to hope.

And is all of this really true?

Um,

I've filled in a few gaps, but I drew upon the reports of our spies in Rome.

The Triumvirs intend to seek aid from us.

It can only be a matter of time.

Oh, thank you, Charmian.

You have a knack for bringing these matters to life.

Makes it so much easier to know what to do.

My queen is too kind.

I've always enjoyed telling stories.

You've got a real gift.

I shall make full use of it.

And if I'm not mistaken, it sounds like we finally have company.

Trust him to be late.

You'll do the honors, won't you?

My lady.

What is going on around here?

I demand...

Silence!

You kneel in the presence of the Almighty, beloved by her father and her people.

Abase yourself before the infinite majesty of the rightful Pharaoh of Egypt, the living goddess and our queen, Cleopatra!

I know that.

I'm her husband, Ptolemy, dear.

I'm so sorry to get you out of bed like this.

Oh, it must have been quite a surprise to you and whomever or whatever you were sharing it with.

Get me out of bed?

You've dragged me all the way to Greece.

I was still in Egypt a week ago.

Well, I wasn't cutting my holiday short just because of you.

Holiday?

You've never taken a day off in your life.

You take more than enough for both of us.

Charmian,

how many was it?

Too many to count.

Not a good look for a king, is it?

Not a good look at all.

You can't treat me like this.

I am Egypt's king.

I outrank you.

You're committing treason.

I hope you know that.

I do.

But here we are.

What do you want from me?

From you?

Nothing.

You're of no use to me, to Egypt, or to anyone.

I'd half a mind to leave you alone, but you're always whining and causing a scene.

Or plotting to remove the queen.

Yes, because you're right.

I don't take a holiday without cause.

I left Egypt to see what you'd do, and you rather took the bait.

I don't know what you mean.

But your conspirators do.

They're all dead.

So instead of keeping you hanging around, I thought it best if I

didn't.

But

I am your brother.

Yes.

Marrying one's brother, hmm, never my favorite part of the job.

Still, with you gone, I won't have to do it ever again, will I?

You're going to have me executed?

No,

I believe if we want something done, you should do it yourself.

Good.

That was simple enough.

Have his body dumped in the sea.

Of course, my lady.

Remove it!

And now, a change of scenery.

Shall I instruct the captain to ready our ship for Egypt?

No, we're not returning home just yet.

We're going to Italy.

Italy?

Really?

We mustn't keep our Roman friends waiting, must we?

Matters like these require the uh personal touch.

Is it wise for you to return there so soon?

After Caesar's death?

Your concern is noted, Charmian, but unnecessary.

I feel quite able to face Rome once again.

After all, it's time we all knew who's really in charge.

Cry Havoc Ask Questions Later is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 international license.

This series is created by David K.

Barnes and directed by Amani Zardot.

This episode was written by David K.

Barnes.

It was edited by James Austin, Laurie Ann Davis, Tessa Vroom, Meg Nichella, Catherine Seaton, and Catherine Rinella, with scoring by Sam Jones.

Today's episode features Kazim Tosin Amore, Harry Roebuck, Lara Sawalha, Sarah Aha, Sarah Lambie, and Andrew Seacombe, with additional voices from Ahmed El-Jabri, Mark Nicholson, and Pip Gladwin.

Cry Havoc, Ask Questions Later, is produced by Natalie Winter, Catherine Lindemann and production manager Natasha Johnston with executive producers Alexander Jane Mule and April Sumner.

To subscribe, view associated materials, or join our Patreon, visit rustyquill.com.

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