This Teen Cracked the Code on Anxiety and Teaches You How He Did It

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Speaker 1 Book now via Sheridan.com. Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for being here. I'm Mel, and today I'm really excited because I'm not alone.
I'm here with one of my favorite people, somebody that I love, our 18-year-old son, Oakley.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's me, guys.

Speaker 1 You know, I'm laughing because I know that we're going to have a lot of fun. And I'm also excited because

Speaker 1 our audience loves you.

Speaker 3 And I love you guys.

Speaker 1 And in case you're brand new to the Mel Robbins podcast, I just want to take a minute and welcome you and also explain a little bit of background. Oakley is our 18-year-old son.

Speaker 1 He is the youngest of three. He's a senior in high school.

Speaker 3 Just applied to college.

Speaker 1 It was great. Ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 3 Finish my applications. Like, I've done what I need to do.
Like, it's great.

Speaker 1 Congratulations on getting all of that done. And in case you're new, every time Oakley has been on the podcast, we get bombarded with questions in our inbox directed.

Speaker 1 to Oakley from listeners around the world. And the thing that's always really kind of surprised me is that it's from listeners of all ages.

Speaker 1 So, in this stack of questions, I've got questions from high schoolers, from kids in college, from parents, from school counselors, from therapists, to grandparents, to just people that are reflecting on their own childhood.

Speaker 1 And I can't wait to dig into this. And the truth is, Oak, I do have to say,

Speaker 1 you've really cracked the code

Speaker 1 on so many things that I struggled with for like 50 years. Like when I think about anxiety, confidence,

Speaker 1 where you are at the age of 18 versus where I was at 18. I mean, I was like in peak

Speaker 1 Mel Schneiberger dysfunction.

Speaker 3 First of all, I have lived through getting bullied like many, anxiety, dyslexia, troubles in school, troubles in life. And

Speaker 3 also, I tend to spend a good amount of time alone. Love to hang out with people, but I also like to spend some time alone.
And I just think a lot.

Speaker 3 Like, I feel like I'm always thinking about what's going on in my life and how I'm feeling and stuff like that. Cause when you're alone, like, what else is there to think about?

Speaker 1 That's a good point. Who are you? I feel almost like you're the kind of person, you know how people say you're an old soul.

Speaker 1 I feel at times like I'm the parent of somebody who lived to be 100 years who came back as you.

Speaker 3 That would be kind of cool.

Speaker 1 Well, you know what else is going to be cool is going through all of these questions because we have about 17 topics to get through.

Speaker 1 And before we jump in, I just want to take a moment and acknowledge you for listening.

Speaker 1 Because every single time you tune into the Mel Robbins podcast, I know that you're taking time for yourself and I know that you're listening to this in particular because you really want to make your life a little bit better.

Speaker 1 And I think that's really cool. So I just wanted to say thank you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, thanks, guys. It's awesome.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 So you ready? Of course.

Speaker 1 All right, let's jump in. The first question, this one from a 17-year-old Oak.
Oakley, I'm 17 years old, and I just want to know, how do I ensure a stress-free college search?

Speaker 1 And before you jump into this,

Speaker 1 because I know you're going to talk about the pressure,

Speaker 1 I think what we're about to talk about is relevant to any moment in life where you feel the stress of wanting something

Speaker 1 and you don't don't know how to manage it, whether it is graduating from college and needing to get a job, or maybe you're trying to have kids and it's not happening as fast as you thought and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you are not dating anybody and you really want to find the one and you're starting to get stressed about the process, or you want to find your purpose and you don't know what you're supposed to be doing with your life.

Speaker 1 And so you start to get stressed about the process. And so as you listen to us unpack this, because I don't know what you're going to talk about, Oak,

Speaker 1 listen from whatever it is that you're stressed about.

Speaker 1 And now I'm going to turn it over to you because I do know that the college process is a very unique thing, though, because you're going through this at the same time with all the other people your age.

Speaker 1 So it must amplify it. So where do you want to start with this?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think. If we go back to broadening it to just stress in general, stress is a natural part of life.
So you will never live a life that is stress-free.

Speaker 3 You will always feel stress with things like the college process, job hunting, searching for friends, anything like that.

Speaker 3 Everything can involve stress.

Speaker 3 And I think first, accepting that in life, you'll feel stressed is super important and not resisting the stress when it comes is important.

Speaker 3 And with the college process in particular, no, that's super stressful. And honestly, I think it's supposed to be stressful.
Why?

Speaker 3 Because, Because you know, you look at these colleges and you look at, oh, the acceptance rate. Oh my God, it's like 13%.
And oh my God, 10,000 kids are doing this.

Speaker 3 And oh my God, like I have to write one essay and everything relies on this one essay and they know nothing about me, but I really want to get into this school. It's, it's really stressful.

Speaker 3 And like, this isn't good enough. Like, this isn't going to get me into college.
And so I delete it. And then I write another one.
And I'm like, this isn't good enough.

Speaker 3 This isn't going to get me into college.

Speaker 3 And I think for me, and for everybody going through the college process, it's really, really important to just like

Speaker 3 step back for a second and just be like, take a deep breath

Speaker 3 and just

Speaker 3 stop and like take your time

Speaker 3 because you are incredibly special. You have many things that make you unique.
And

Speaker 3 something that you've probably heard before, but you're going to hear it again is that no matter where you end up, like it won't predict your life.

Speaker 3 If you don't get into your dream college, your life is not ruined. You're not going to be able to not get the job you want or live in the place you want to live.

Speaker 3 And nine times out of ten, that college that you're going to go to instead is going to be pretty sweet. And if you don't like it, you can transfer out of it into another one.

Speaker 3 But it's important to not have a mindset of my whole life depends on this.

Speaker 1 What if it feels like it does? How do you gain perspective? When you go to school every day and everybody's talking about it.

Speaker 1 And every time you're with adults, you're like, so where are you applying to school?

Speaker 3 And where? It really is an everyday conversation everywhere. It's a pain.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 I think like it's just important to appreciate where you are right now. That's what I would say.

Speaker 3 Just while you are worried about the college process, if you spend the last year of your high school worrying about the college process, you

Speaker 3 won't enjoy the last year of high school, which is arguably the most enjoyable.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad that you just talked about the fact that the way that you deal with this is to appreciate where you are now. And I know that that's hard to do.

Speaker 1 It's not only hard to do when you're in the middle of applying to colleges. It's hard to do when you're in the middle of anything.

Speaker 1 If you're graduating from college and it's senior spring, you're feeling the pressure of getting a job.

Speaker 1 If you're somebody who wants to get married and you're not even dating somebody, you see married people everywhere. Same thing if you want to have kids.

Speaker 1 Same thing if you have dreams of making a lot of money and you see people that have a lot of money everywhere and you start to feel this pressure and you see evidence of it working out for everybody around you.

Speaker 1 And the real advice here that is so true, because you can get yourself worked up about anything, is learning how to appreciate where you are right now.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You said something the other day that I think is really important,

Speaker 1 which is I

Speaker 1 wanted to ask you something about that essay.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you said, mom, I have to hear about this this all day long. I do not want to talk about this with you right now.

Speaker 1 I want to commend you for being very direct with me and telling me that you have a boundary and the one place you don't want to talk about it is at home.

Speaker 1 And this is really important because boundaries are something that are your responsibility. And you took responsibility for the fact that you didn't want me asking about it.

Speaker 1 And you just basically said, I don't want to talk about this with you because I'm getting it all day long. And I would not have known that otherwise.
And this is very important for you listening too.

Speaker 1 Like you can say to your family members, I don't want to talk about whether or not we're trying to have kids. I don't want to talk about my job.
My weight is not up for discussion.

Speaker 1 Yes, I will come home this weekend and see you, but please do not ask me if I'm dating anybody.

Speaker 1 And so you did something that we all need to do, which is understanding what your limits are and making it very clear so that the people around you can support you.

Speaker 1 And that's exactly what this listener that's writing in should do with their, with their parents, like express that boundary.

Speaker 3 Yeah, setting boundaries is huge. I do want to go into a specific about the college process just to like help some people out.

Speaker 3 If you're a parent and you have a kid who's in junior year or like end of junior year, beginning of senior year, just understand that 90% of their thoughts is college.

Speaker 3 And so that is going to be why they may get agitated or they may not want to talk about it because it is all consuming. Like until they've hit the submit button, it's all they'll think about.

Speaker 3 It's all they'll care about. And it's the last thing they ever want to talk about because it's always on their mind and it's annoying.
So

Speaker 3 give them some space time to time. Don't always talk about it.

Speaker 1 You know, and that's true, Oakley, for anyone that feels pressure about anything. I mean, I can think of a bunch of examples.

Speaker 1 Like, for example, if your son and your daughter-in-law are trying to have a baby, you don't need to ask about it because guess what? They're thinking about it. They're wondering.

Speaker 1 They wake up every day. And the last thing that they need is you bringing up.
How's it going?

Speaker 1 And I've got this other example in my life that comes to mind because one of my closest friends hasn't married yet and she never had kids of her own. And you want to know what? It kills her.

Speaker 1 Like if there was one thing that she could change, it would have been that she had had kids of her own. And so when her mom occasionally is like, you know,

Speaker 1 It just breaks my heart that you never had children. You would have been the best mother.
My friend's literally like,

Speaker 1 you don't think I wish I would have been? Like, why the hell are you bringing this up? Like, talk to your therapist about that. Don't lay that on me.
And so I do think this is really important.

Speaker 1 If somebody that you love cares about something, the job search, the search for a house, you don't need to bring it up. Okay.
If they want to talk to you about it, they will bring it up with you.

Speaker 1 Just give them space. Show them you love them and show them that you care about them and do it in other ways.
Great advice, Oak.

Speaker 3 All righty.

Speaker 1 Here's another question. We're going through a divorce and I'm worried about our kids.
I feel like

Speaker 3 you don't have to give them specifics as to why you're getting a divorce, but I would be honest with them. We're unhappy, like blah, blah, blah, blah.
It is not your fault.

Speaker 3 Make sure you reinstate that. That's huge

Speaker 3 because plenty of kids worry that it is their fault. But also

Speaker 3 take

Speaker 3 their needs into account. And like

Speaker 3 if

Speaker 3 they want to

Speaker 3 like, just like take their suggestions and their needs into account. So, like, if they want to be at the dad's house or the mom's house, like, if they want to go somewhere, like, you should let them.

Speaker 3 Like, you shouldn't be like, no, you can't. Like, you can't go anywhere.
You have to be with me right now. Like, all this kind of stuff.
Just they're people too. They're living their own lives.

Speaker 3 You and your spouse are not the only ones that are suffering from this. They're in just as much pain because they're watching their two parents separate.
So

Speaker 3 just take their needs into account and understand that they are also grieving.

Speaker 1 And they need to maybe go through it a little bit differently than you need them to go through it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, 100%. Do not talk about your spouse with them.
Don't be like, oh, I'm so upset with what they've been doing or stuff like that. Do not.
They don't need to hear it.

Speaker 1 That makes a lot of sense. So the next question is from a listener who writes, My daughter wants me to step back a little bit.

Speaker 1 And I would love to hear from Oakley and from you, Mel, what kind of boundaries do you guys have as a mother and a a son?

Speaker 3 I mean,

Speaker 3 I think that's depending on like how overbearing you are. But let me think about our relationship.
Like, I feel like I tell you everything

Speaker 3 whenever there is something, or if you ask, I'm just like, yeah.

Speaker 3 Like,

Speaker 3 I never feel like I have to keep things from you. Not that I'm like coming to you and telling you everything.

Speaker 3 But like, I never feel like I have to keep something from you.

Speaker 1 Well, that makes me feel great that you feel like you don't have to keep something something from me, Oak. If you need something, you can talk to me about it.
So thank you for sharing that with me.

Speaker 1 And in terms of boundaries that I have as a mom, there are really kind of two categories of the boundaries. The first one is the boundaries that I establish that help keep the communication open.

Speaker 1 and that create a trusting and respectful relationship between us. And the second set of boundaries are around keeping you safe.

Speaker 1 And so let me talk about the first one, which is this boundary of respect and open communication. And to that end, I really try hard to let you, Oakley, be your own person.

Speaker 3 I like that. I like that one.

Speaker 1 You know, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not supposed to control him.

Speaker 1 I need to guide him.

Speaker 1 You said on another podcast you were on that a parent should be like a coach,

Speaker 1 not somebody who's in control. And I often have to remind myself of that.

Speaker 1 The second is your personal space. I try to create boundaries there where your room is your room.

Speaker 1 And even though I don't know how you can be in that room because it's awfully messy.

Speaker 3 She makes it seem worse than it is, but it's not.

Speaker 1 I don't walk into your room, for example, when the door is closed. I knock first.

Speaker 3 Yep. I also like have, I feel like my shower schedule is pretty concrete.
It's like in the morning and then right before I go to bed.

Speaker 1 So you take two showers a day?

Speaker 3 Every day? You do? Yes.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 so the night is when I like use soap and everything and like clean myself. And then the morning is because my hair is really like thick and curly.
Yep.

Speaker 3 And so when I sleep, it's like, it's like this. Like a helmet.
It's like a helmet when I wake up. And the only way to fix it is just to like reset it by getting it wet.
Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I wake up, I get my morning routine done, which is shower and get out the door

Speaker 3 like, and like actively avoid you. And then get in the car, get to school.
And then I like to get to school like 20 minutes before it starts.

Speaker 3 And I just sit in the car and I journal about the previous day. Or if I didn't journal like the day before, then the two days before, like it's, it's a process.

Speaker 1 I just learned something about you.

Speaker 1 I had no idea that you journal every single day.

Speaker 3 It's great. Love to journal, even for five minutes, like writing anything down.
It's, it's amazing.

Speaker 1 When did you start that?

Speaker 3 Last year, maybe.

Speaker 1 You've been doing this for a year?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I would never show you my journal. That's all I'm going to say.

Speaker 1 See, that's an example, Oak, of a specific boundary that you have with me. And you would never show me your journal.
That's your boundary.

Speaker 1 And because I'm trying hard not to control you, remember my value is I want to keep the communication open. I want to make sure you feel respected.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to respect you and the privacy that you have and even like kind of the fact that it's your room.

Speaker 1 And even though I really want to hunt down your journal and crack it open and read it, I'm not going to lie about that. I am going to respect your boundary, that this is your privacy.

Speaker 1 Great example.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Other boundaries that I have with

Speaker 1 him are around just safety, that sort of stuff.

Speaker 1 And then the final thing is I don't talk to Oak about Chris or my marriage

Speaker 3 or

Speaker 1 what's going on in my friends' lives.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'd agree with that.

Speaker 1 Okay, great. Anything else you'd add?

Speaker 3 No, I'd say that that covers all the bases, except my room is pretty clean most of the time.

Speaker 1 Okay, we have so many more questions to answer, and we're going to take a quick pause, hear a word from our sponsors who allow us to bring this to you at zero cost, but stay with us because Oakley and I are going to be waiting for for you after this short break.

Speaker 1 And the first question on the docket is a question from a listener. And here's what they want to know: Oak: How did Chris and I handle alcohol with you?

Speaker 3 What are the rules in the Robbins household?

Speaker 1 We're going to tell you. And also, a little bit later, Oakley has this fantastic meditation that he is going to walk you through, something he does that truly quiets his anxiety.

Speaker 1 I cannot wait for you to hear it.

Speaker 3 Stay with us.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. I'm so happy you're still here with us.
Oh my gosh, because we are tackling your questions today.

Speaker 1 I'm here with Oakley, and the first question on the docket is from a listener who wants to know: So, Oakley, how did your parents talk about alcohol use with you?

Speaker 3 Do they allow it?

Speaker 1 Did they ground you?

Speaker 3 How do they handle it?

Speaker 1 And Oak, feel free to speak freely.

Speaker 3 Well, I think from a young age,

Speaker 3 you were more practicing safe ways of using it, healthy ways of using it, like a glass of wine at dinner or like a little bit of a drink at like a party or something.

Speaker 3 Before any parties or anything really happened, you would talk to the three of us kids and always tell us that if we do go out and do something because we're teenagers and stuff happens and kids do stuff.

Speaker 3 And if you're a parent listening to this and you're like, oh, that's bad. Well, you did it too.
So that's okay.

Speaker 3 You always said that if we're ever going to do anything before we do it at a party or somewhere else, you want us to do it with you. Yes.
So that it's like

Speaker 3 it's, we're in a safe environment. We're with people we care about.
You can take care of us and it's all safe.

Speaker 3 No drinking and driving. That's your number one rule.

Speaker 1 That's my number one rule. And what's the rule too about if you're going to be at a party where you are drinking? What do you have to do?

Speaker 3 Either have a driver who my mom trusts or

Speaker 3 stay at the party or final option, call mom or dad and ask for a ride.

Speaker 1 And what do we do

Speaker 1 if you tell us where you are and drinking's involved and the police show up or something happens? Like, do we ground you?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 You ask me to call you.

Speaker 3 And, well, you don't ground me because, again, it's the natural part of life. Like, it's the experimentation.
Everybody experiments. And also,

Speaker 3 wait, why don't you like, because we're getting punished enough by the cops? Like, I feel like that's.

Speaker 1 That's a great question, Oak. I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 Because here's how I've chosen to handle this issue with your dad.

Speaker 1 Because this is a deeply personal issue in terms of how you decide you're going to talk about it with your kids. And so for us,

Speaker 1 we took the time to figure out what do we value here. Because number one, every kid is going to experiment.
Just assume they're going to experiment.

Speaker 1 And number two, if you assume that they're going to experiment and you can't stop that from happening, what is it that you value most?

Speaker 1 And for me, what I valued most was open communication, trust, and safety. And so I took the focus off trying to control something I couldn't control, which was whether or not you drink.

Speaker 1 And I put all of my attention on how do I navigate this as a parent through my highest value, which is creating trust with you, creating open communication with you, and keeping you safe.

Speaker 1 And safe means not only

Speaker 1 no driving. Safe also means your use of it.
Like not being one of these kids who binge drink like crazy because they have to sneak it.

Speaker 1 And so they just chug the, because we saw this over and over and over with kids whose parents punished them when they drank or banned the alcohol or pretended it didn't happen.

Speaker 1 It created a lack of trust. It created sneakiness.
It created lying, all of which led to very dangerous behavior. And so for me, I don't know whether it's the right call or the wrong call.

Speaker 1 It has been a very smart and successful call for us because it's aligned with our values. And so that's why.
Now, if you lied to us, I'd punish you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I would get punished if I lied.

Speaker 1 If I ever found out that you got in a car with somebody who was drinking or you yourself got behind the wheel,

Speaker 1 you would lose the right to drive for a year.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's no joke because we live in a rural area and I had a friend die in high school because of drinking and driving. And so that's why my values are that.

Speaker 1 And so I just feel like that's the formula for anything that you're navigating, whether it is sex or it is alcohol or it's drugs or it's anything.

Speaker 1 Like figure out what you value most and be honest with yourself about what you can control and what you can't control.

Speaker 1 Because if I were to ban you and say, you're not allowed to drink, can't drink till you're 21, it just makes you want it more. And it also makes you go, I'm not telling you what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 And so that's how we handled it. And that's why I don't punish you when you do what you say you're going to do and when you stay where you're supposed to stay and when you don't drive.

Speaker 3 Valid. It's true.
All righty. Ooh, Oakley.

Speaker 1 This next question is about breaking up. And it's from a listener who's a young adult like you and they specifically wanted your take on this topic.

Speaker 1 And I think that's an important note to highlight for you listening because

Speaker 1 I can give all the advice in the world, but I'm 55. And sometimes you want to hear from somebody your age.
And as an 18-year-old Oakley, you probably understand what they're going through.

Speaker 1 And I know that there have been numerous times where your sisters have told me, Mom, your advice is irrelevant because you are so far away from the age and the issues that I'm dealing with.

Speaker 1 And so I want advice from somebody my age. And so, Oakley, that's what this listener is asking for: your advice on this topic.
So, here's the question: Oak,

Speaker 1 how do I know when it's time to break up with somebody?

Speaker 3 That's a good question. I think

Speaker 3 here's what I'm going to say.

Speaker 3 And I'll expand upon this, of course, but like when like you know, when it's time to break up with somebody, you know, like you will always know what you want deep down.

Speaker 3 And like nine times out of 10, what's holding you back is your worry about their feelings and hurting them. But in a relationship,

Speaker 3 you do take the other person's feelings into account. But when it comes to things like breakups, you should be taking what will make you feel the best into account.

Speaker 3 But what if you're terrified about hurting this person and you know they're going to cry and you just don't want to deal with it? You're going to see them at school. That's like a given.

Speaker 3 Like if you are not happy anymore in this relationship,

Speaker 3 you, I can promise you, you will be more happy out of it.

Speaker 3 And yes, there will be those times where maybe you see them and maybe it's a little awkward or they cry and it's a little sad, but that's a moment in time that might last like an hour instead of you spending the rest of your time with somebody that you aren't currently happy with.

Speaker 1 I noticed something about you, maybe this is too much information, that you don't like the random hookup.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Why? No, I don't. I

Speaker 3 like this is, I mean, this is a me thing, but I want to know the person. I want to like care about them.
I want to feel like there's something there.

Speaker 3 I want to see like something with them because I don't see a point in just like hooking up with somebody to hook up with somebody. Um,

Speaker 3 I just, I feel like it's kind of just like tacky and dumb. But

Speaker 3 if you do it, like you do it, and that's totally fine. And I'm not going to say you're wrong, but for me, I feel like I want to know them and care about them and respect them

Speaker 3 because it also just makes it feel more special and enjoyable when you're actually with them.

Speaker 1 That's a good point. Is it possible to be friends with your ex?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 3 I would say. How

Speaker 3 in the beginning, you need space. Like, you can't be talking to them after.
There can be no like hookups afterwards.

Speaker 3 You shouldn't be calling them while you're drunk or anything like that. And you need to understand that it takes time

Speaker 3 and that you also will not have the same relationship you had when you were dating.

Speaker 3 But you can still be friends. You can still hang out from time to time.

Speaker 1 But it's it's important to know that it won't be the exact same and that it may be a little awkward from time to time um this question is directed to you oakley this is somebody who's going into college they want to know how can i stay in touch with or support my younger sibling as we're shifting into like adult sibling relationships right uh

Speaker 3 For me and my sisters, honestly, like we, I wouldn't say we talked that much. Like we were, we we talked every now and then, maybe like twice a month.

Speaker 1 So it's six and five years difference.

Speaker 3 We were just living like our lives. Like we were in school and that takes up our priority.
And there's a lot going on. But I think just

Speaker 3 like reaching out to your younger sibling and be like, hey, if you ever need to talk, I am here. I'm always going to be here, even if I'm not in the house.

Speaker 3 That's huge. That's really big.

Speaker 3 Even if you guys aren't talking every day, which you don't need to be, but I just recommend you definitely say like, I'm here to talk talk whenever you need. Like I'm always here for you.

Speaker 3 I went through high school, like let me know what's going on.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 One thing that's made a big difference for me is we started a family group chat. Like we light it up all day long.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we do light up all day long with like photos and having a big family group chat's great. Cause like for me, I don't really communicate that often.
Like I'm a horrible texter. I'm horrible at it.

Speaker 3 And so having the group chat where it's just like mom's like, how is everybody? And then like Kendall's Kendall's like, oh, I'm great. And Sora's like, oh, I'm awesome.

Speaker 3 Here's a photo of where I am right now. And I'm like, oh, everyone's like chilling out.
Like they're all great. And I'm like, cool.

Speaker 1 Like, I feel it makes us feel very connected. And you can pop in, you can pop out.
We celebrate each other.

Speaker 3 We do roll call occasionally.

Speaker 1 We share funny memes. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Just like a family group chat for anything that you want to talk about is just such a great way to feel connected just because you don't feel like you have to have like a serious conversation.

Speaker 3 Like you can send one-word things. Just like so many times people will text us like, miss you guys.

Speaker 3 and then it's just something cute like that or other times someone will send a photo and it's like this is so mom or something and it's like just like fun stuff like that which makes you have fun and feel connected awesome awesome all right next question oakley what do you do if you're a kid and you feel like your parents are playing favorites i think it's important to have a conversation with your parents about uh what you feel and it's important to communicate how you feel all the time.

Speaker 3 And so if you feel like your parents are playing favorites, you shouldn't play the blame game, of course.

Speaker 3 As a parent, what would you be most open to hearing if I was like, I feel like you're picking favorites?

Speaker 1 I would say, I'm sorry you feel that way. What am I doing that makes you feel that way? And how can I change?

Speaker 3 If you're going to go into that conversation with your parents, because that's a pretty serious conversation, I think that you should definitely

Speaker 3 have a few examples in mind, few scenarios.

Speaker 1 I think it's great coaching to say, come in with specific examples and focus on how it made you feel. Yeah, for sure.
Because if you tell your parents they're playing favorites, they'll get defensive.

Speaker 1 If you say, hey, I'm starting to feel like I'm not important. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 3 And then you give a few examples,

Speaker 1 then they'll be more open to it.

Speaker 3 Here's another question, Oak.

Speaker 1 This time it's from a parent, and it's directed at you because they have a question about their 15-year-old. Oakley, my 15-year-old is always in her room.
Do I just let her be?

Speaker 1 I'm scared for our relationship and I don't know what to do.

Speaker 3 Hmm.

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 I'm guessing she's always in her room because she is probably on her phone. Oh.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, that's what you guys do in your rooms?

Speaker 3 I mean, most likely, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so she's always on her phone, which is why she's always in her room.

Speaker 3 Mm-hmm. Honestly, since I'm like a senior in high school, what I'm mostly doing in my room is homework or like talking to my friends on the phone.
But yeah.

Speaker 1 So she's in her room because she wants privacy while she's on her phone.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. So what do you do about that?

Speaker 3 She's 15, so her whole world is her friends.

Speaker 3 When

Speaker 1 do you think somebody should be alarmed that their

Speaker 1 teen is spending a ton of time alone in their room?

Speaker 3 Like what? I think it's like if you don't see them, like they come home from school and they just don't leave their room.

Speaker 3 That's when it is alarming.

Speaker 1 And do you have a good lead-in for how you broach that? Because so many times we blow it with the way we open a conversation.

Speaker 3 I'd just be like, hey, like, I feel as though you're in your room a lot as of recently, and I'm just kind of curious as to what's happening, you know? Nothing.

Speaker 3 Then I would say,

Speaker 3 I want to respond to nothing. That's a great, like, I use that line all the time.
No kidding. I use that line all the time.

Speaker 3 I have an in. Okay, what you're in.

Speaker 1 You don't seem like yourself.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's good. That's, that'll get them.
That'll get them. Because if there is something wrong, then they'll be like, you're right.
You're in some road.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That gets them. Okay.

Speaker 1 And even if they don't answer right away, it sort of marinates.

Speaker 3 And then they'll be like, they know.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I think a big thing you could do is probably have like a family dinner. designated time where everybody has to come together.
There's also the fact that she's getting older, however.

Speaker 3 And so you don't want to step on her coattails too much. Like you want to give her a little bit of freedom.

Speaker 3 But I would just

Speaker 3 in a like polite way, I would just have her like have a mandatory dinner. Like it's an hour and a half every night.
That's when you guys can get together and talk.

Speaker 1 So don't worry about the fact that she's in a room on her phone.

Speaker 1 Is there any kind of thing to do at dinner that opens up conversation?

Speaker 3 Yeah, we

Speaker 3 play a game called high and low, which is pretty simple. All you really do is you share your high of the day and your low of the day.

Speaker 3 It's actually like a great conversation starter just to like get into different things at dinner. That usually opens up conversation pretty well for us.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it really does. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 So here's another question from a listener. What amount of gaming is normal? My son is 17 like Oakley and is, I think, playing too much games.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think I definitely used to have a problem with gaming too much. Really? When I was younger.
Yeah, for sure. Just because,

Speaker 3 well well the thing with guys is that it's super common for a girl to jump on the phone and talk to her best friend for three hours yep and that's not frowned upon which is totally fine um but for a guy like guys don't really do that but what they do do is they jump on like their xbox or their console or their computer and they game for three hours and the guy thinks of it as the equivalent of like talking to their friend on the phone for three hours but instead of

Speaker 3 just like talking, they're like doing something in front of them as well.

Speaker 1 You know, dad and I used to fight about this all the time.

Speaker 3 I do, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because he would be so upset that you were spending hours on like whatever video game. I'd be like, dude, he's not alone.
Like he's hanging out with his friends.

Speaker 1 They're on their headsets or talking to each other while they're playing. This is, this is a play date.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 He started to understand that this is the equivalent for you anyway of throwing the ball around, kicking the soccer ball around.

Speaker 1 And also, the thing about gaming is most kids that play that are gaming, they also do it because they're good at it. Yeah, it's one thing they're good at.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it is. That's what's like kind of nice about it because, like, you can be good at it.
It's easy to get good at it. And like, your friends are into it.

Speaker 3 And when you're young and you don't have a car and you can't go out and hang out with them and you don't ask your parents, it's just so easy to turn it on and start talking to them and doing something else.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I think that an hour or two a weekend, if it's like three, four, like they're just talking to their friends.

Speaker 3 Like they're just trying to connect with people because they can't go anywhere else right now. And so I wouldn't worry too much.

Speaker 3 But again, if it's like their whole life and they're just doing it nine to five, like I would say you should consider doing other things.

Speaker 1 Here's another one. My sister wants to know if Oakley is single.
And if yes, she'd like to ensure that he's not a Gemini.

Speaker 3 Interesting.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I am single right now and I am a Pisces.

Speaker 3 Nice. Born in March.

Speaker 1 Born in March. Okay.

Speaker 3 Are you looking for a relationship? I don't need to talk about that.

Speaker 3 I don't need to talk about that here.

Speaker 3 But, you know, I'm just

Speaker 3 playing it by ear. I'm just letting whatever happens, happen.

Speaker 1 I love that advice. And I also love the questions that we have yet to answer.
And we've got questions coming up about confidence and your questions about anxiety.

Speaker 1 And you really want to stay with us after this break because Oakley is going to walk you through a meditation that he does all the time whenever he feels anxious. It works like a charm.

Speaker 1 I cannot wait for you to hear it to stay with us.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. It's your friend Mel, and I'm here with my son, Oakley.
We are answering your questions. I am thrilled you are still here because I think we've saved the best for last.

Speaker 1 And this next question, Oakley, is about confidence.

Speaker 3 Oakley, you're a very confident guy.

Speaker 1 I was just curious, have you always been that way? And what advice do you have for somebody who's not as confident as you?

Speaker 3 I feel like for most people they're quite confident until they get to like middle school when people are starting to be like oh my god like i hate myself because like for some reason

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 i think it's puberty i think your body starts to puberty and you lose control over it yeah yeah and it's also just like how everybody starts to talk about each other rather than like other things because in elementary school you get you guys are just talking about who knows what honestly i don't know what's going on legos yeah legos like toys

Speaker 3 stuff you're collecting, ponies, horses, like something, something random is going on in elementary school.

Speaker 3 But once you get to middle school and you realize that everybody's starting to talk about each other,

Speaker 3 then you start to be like, oh my goodness, like I'm feeling a little self-conscious.

Speaker 3 I think it's super important to.

Speaker 1 You went through the stage where you were self-conscious.

Speaker 3 Of course, I did. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How did you go from a kid who was worried about his boobs?

Speaker 3 Oh my God, my moobs. My man boobs.

Speaker 3 I mean, one thing, time heals heals all for sure.

Speaker 3 But also

Speaker 3 just understanding that everybody's going through the same exact thing that you are. Like you may look at your

Speaker 3 feet, I guess, and not like the way your feet look while other people are like looking at their forehead. And

Speaker 3 it's,

Speaker 3 they're never looking at you. You're the only one looking at yourself.
So

Speaker 1 how do you tap into it, though? Was it... Theater's a good way.

Speaker 3 It's such a good way to become more confident because you just

Speaker 3 you just have to get over like being shy and not wanting to express yourself. So theater's a great way.
Not saying that you should force your kids to do theater, but

Speaker 3 theater is a really good way to get more confidence.

Speaker 3 Also just like being with the right people is super big because if you're with a bunch of people that are hyping you up all the time, you're going to feel pretty hyped up all the time rather than like negative about yourself.

Speaker 1 Or chasing people that you think will make you cool actually makes you feel insecure.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that'll 100% make you insecure. If you're trying to achieve a certain image to be with a certain group of people, that's never going to work out for you.
I can promise you that.

Speaker 1 So seek out people that hype you up. That hype you up, that make you feel good when you're around them.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe push yourself to do theater or try some clubs.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Try like drama club or like

Speaker 3 just like something that brings you out of your comfort zone. And if you don't like it, like leave the club.

Speaker 1 So force you to come out of your shell.

Speaker 3 So for example,

Speaker 3 today is Halloween, spooky season. And I had this duo costume planned with one of my friends, peanut butter and jelly.
It's really bulky. It makes you look really weird.

Speaker 3 And we're talking on the phone before school starts. And I'm like, are you going to bring your costume? Are you going to wear it? And he was like, you know, probably not.

Speaker 3 And I was like, you know what? Like, if you're not going to bring it, I don't really want to wear it. Like, I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 3 So I get to school and I'm not really wearing it in the beginning. And then I'm looking around at all these costumes and I'm loving them.
Like I like the stuff that people are wearing.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to go for it. Like I'm going to put it on.
I'm going to wear it.

Speaker 3 And so for the rest of the day, I was walking around in a piece of toast with jelly on it costume. And everyone was like, where's the, where's the peanut butter? And I was like,

Speaker 3 it's just me. Like, it's just the jelly.
And that was super fun because a bunch of people loved it.

Speaker 3 I loved it. Like, I was having fun with it.
And at first, I felt like it was something where I'd get judged for doing it.

Speaker 3 And then I realized that, you know, you only live once, which is super corny, but it's like, if you never do it, then you're just going to regret it.

Speaker 3 So I just went for it and I ended up having so much fun with it.

Speaker 1 And you know what else? When you hold yourself back from trying something like that, you're the one judging yourself. And so simply going, I'm going to go for it.

Speaker 1 I'm going to try this thing I've never done. It does give you a boost of confidence because you stop judging yourself the moment you put it on.

Speaker 3 Yeah. The moment I put it on, I was like, all right, this is sick.
Let's go.

Speaker 1 What I love about that, Oakley, is you cannot get confident by just sitting on the couch and thinking about it. You have to take action.

Speaker 1 And whether you're talking about signing up for drama class so that you'll push yourself out of your comfort zone, you got to take action.

Speaker 3 I can give you another example of doing something new in your life, how that builds confidence. Take Dad, for example.

Speaker 3 He has started these men's retreats and now he has gone back to school and is getting his master's, which is sick.

Speaker 1 That's totally sick.

Speaker 3 Super sick.

Speaker 1 You got to take action. You were just talking about dad starting soul degree, the men's men's retreat.
He had never done that before. You got to take action.

Speaker 1 Now he's signed up to get his master's in transpersonal psychology. Got to take action.
You with the toast, sitting there going, well, my friend's not doing it. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Are people going to judge?

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 1 I'm going to do it just because I want to try it. Confidence is the willingness to try.
That's the thing that everybody gets wrong about confidence. It's not a feeling.

Speaker 1 Confidence is an action and it's a skill of in life when you want to try something making yourself just take the action that's what builds it yeah

Speaker 3 exactly

Speaker 1 uh couple questions about bullying my son is being bullied by his wrestling team in college do i step in or let him figure it out

Speaker 1 hmm

Speaker 3 um

Speaker 3 i never knew there was bullying in college actually really that surprises you yes you've never heard that there's hazing Hazing is basically

Speaker 3 hazing. Well, that's basically what she's saying.
He's getting hazy. Oh, well, are they hazing him? Hazing is just like you,

Speaker 3 you're basically willingly humiliating yourself to be a part of something in college.

Speaker 1 And if that happens to you, what are you going to do?

Speaker 3 I just wouldn't join that group. Yeah, I hope not.
I think it's horrendous. I think it is horrendous.

Speaker 1 I think it's illegal.

Speaker 3 It should be.

Speaker 1 Here's my concern.

Speaker 1 This mom knows he's being bullied.

Speaker 3 So he's told his mom. Correct.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which means he's probably not told told her the extent of it.

Speaker 1 And if you're in college and you're reaching out to a parent because you're getting bullied on a college sports team,

Speaker 1 my radar as a parent is now up.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 1 And it's more serious than they're leading on.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 1 And it's gotten to the point where they don't know what to do about it. Right.
And so I would ask very leading questions. Yeah.
Are you telling me everything?

Speaker 1 Is this...

Speaker 3 Sorry to affect his mental health?

Speaker 1 Have you spoken to anybody about it?

Speaker 1 What do you think you should do?

Speaker 3 I like that. It's great that you told your parents.
I had this horrendous experience at summer camp where there was this month-long summer camp. I was super excited.

Speaker 3 I was super afraid of being away from home. And I was, I was excited.
Like, I was ready for this month-long summer camp. And I get there and I end up getting bullied.

Speaker 3 in like the second week because i the first week i was sending letters like it's great here like i love it second week shit hit the fan.

Speaker 3 It was like, Debbie, out of here, like, I hate it here, like, I want to go home. But I never really told my parents

Speaker 3 why I hated it so much. I didn't tell them that I was getting bullied.
And the second that I did tell my mom I was getting bullied, she became like the Hulk.

Speaker 3 And it was sick because she was like protecting me. And like, she took me out of the camp.
And I was more than happy about that experience.

Speaker 1 Um, let's just say it was so bad when the camp finally did an investigation that we we got a three-page letter from the director of the camp

Speaker 1 saying how they had profoundly failed. Like this was a really horrendous thing that happened.
And so

Speaker 1 it is like a situation where he may not be telling you everything because he's scared about you getting involved. And, you know, you were really, really little.

Speaker 1 I mean, you were like in sixth grade or something.

Speaker 3 So I was young.

Speaker 1 You didn't have the full context of somebody who's in college, but even in college, like the pressure to not rat out somebody on the team, you're inside this, like,

Speaker 1 this culture of hazing, if it's happening at that age. And so getting outside of it and telling your parent, this is happening.
It is scaring me. Like, this is something you need to do.

Speaker 1 Give them the details. Cause the second you dropped the word bully and you started telling me some of the things that this kid was doing who I wanted to hunt down and kill.

Speaker 1 I know that's not a mature response, response, but that's how horrendous it was.

Speaker 1 It pivoted from he's not homesick, he's actually getting targeted by somebody.

Speaker 1 And this is unsafe. And so, yes, I agree with that.
And I appreciate you saying something, Oak. I love you.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I just, I, I, I just,

Speaker 1 I know it really shaped you.

Speaker 3 It did. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 3 okay. Oh, oh, oh, this question, Oak.

Speaker 1 It's from a listener, and it just kind of makes my heart hurt. Oakley, I'm having a really hard time right now.
Does it really get better? Because I feel really lost right now.

Speaker 3 It will 100% get better. I can promise you that it will get better.
I was at a very low point in my life

Speaker 3 two years ago, sophomore year.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And I had the same mentality of, oh my God, I'm going to feel this way forever and it's never going to go away.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 you need some water. Yeah, I don't know what the hell is going on.

Speaker 1 He's getting emotional, very profound. What you're about to say.

Speaker 3 Is that dad's water bottle? Yeah, it is.

Speaker 1 You always steal dad's stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because he has the best stuff. Oh, it's great.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it will 100% get better. I can promise you that.

Speaker 3 Sophomore year, I was in a really dark place. And my mentality was, was, well, if I have this mindset now, why would it ever go away?

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 over time, I still had the mindset a bit. And then slowly it was just more in the back of my mind.
And I was like, oh, well, yeah, whatever. And then, and then it just kind of like went away.
And so

Speaker 3 while it may be hard right now, I can promise you that

Speaker 3 in time,

Speaker 3 it will get better because it always does.

Speaker 1 How do you support somebody that you love who has anxiety?

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 I think everybody in our family has anxiety, right?

Speaker 3 I feel like they do.

Speaker 1 Well, anxiety is a part of life.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it is a part of life.

Speaker 1 It's when it's chronic and everybody in our family has gone through periods where they've been stuck in a state of anxiety. Yes.
And so how do you support somebody?

Speaker 3 The best way to support somebody with anxiety is just like, you got to be a bit of a rock for them. You know, you got to let them know that you're there for them when they need you.

Speaker 3 And that sometimes you can't be there all the time, but it's important to let them know that you can be there to listen and that they're not alone when they are anxious. Things will get better.

Speaker 1 What are some of your tips for how to deal with anxiety? Because you've struggled with anxiety. We have a profound number of questions from young adults, teenagers, college students.

Speaker 3 Something that always works, which is hard to do when you're anxious. Like, I get it.

Speaker 3 It's hard to take a chill, but to sit and like plant your feet we walk us through it yes we do so walk us through what you do when you're anxious okay

Speaker 3 so like i sit yep and i plant my hands on my my thighs i sit up straight okay and then i take a few deep breaths with my eyes open i do like

Speaker 3 the table drill but i don't know if i could do that right now what's a table drill i don't know what i've done that with you where you do your mentors and the wisdom and all that

Speaker 3 oh i don't know if that i don't know if i can do that right now sure okay i guess we're doing it. I'll do it for you.
So,

Speaker 3 what you do is you plant your feet, put your hands on your thighs or wherever, wherever, just like somewhere where they stop moving. Okay.

Speaker 3 And then you just like look around.

Speaker 3 And you want to breathe in through your nose, just your nose, and then out through your nose. And so you're just

Speaker 3 and you're just looking around, you know, and then you do another one.

Speaker 3 One more time.

Speaker 3 All right. And then after the third breath, you close your eyes and you keep breathing in and you just keep repeating

Speaker 3 breathe in. And I actually invite you at home to join in if you want.
If you're driving, though, please don't close your eyes on the road. That would be bad.
So you're just going to keep breathing in.

Speaker 3 And once you feel like you have gotten to a place where

Speaker 3 you can be a little centered, you

Speaker 3 think about a very big table, and just like the one in this video where I'm on this side and my mom's on that side, and you are sitting where I'm sitting,

Speaker 3 and across the table, you see your mentors. So your mentors are people

Speaker 3 who you look up to, who you feel inspired by, and they can be real, they can be fictional.

Speaker 3 So like if you really like a cartoon or you really like a movie actor, like they can be someone you've never met. It really can be anybody that you just look to for guidance and wisdom.

Speaker 3 And so you imagine your mentors across the tail from you. You could have one, you could have 20, you could have 100.
I mean, if you have 100, it's going to take a while, but

Speaker 3 yeah, you can.

Speaker 3 And so you're in this space.

Speaker 3 You're breathing in and out and you see your mentors.

Speaker 3 And you want to look at the mentor all the way to your left and you just want to ask them in your head, do you love me?

Speaker 3 And then you're going to go down the line and you're going to ask them all if they love you.

Speaker 3 So I'll give you guys a minute to do that. I'll do it too.

Speaker 3 And so once you get down the line, you're going to go back to the beginning and you're going to ask, do you have any wisdom for me?

Speaker 3 And sometimes I like to think that the wisdom is just like the first thought that comes to my mind when I'm asking them.

Speaker 3 So you look at them, you imagine their face, imagine if they're smiling, maybe they're frowning,

Speaker 3 and just hear what they have to say and go down the line and ask them if they have wisdom.

Speaker 3 And then once you feel that you've gotten your wisdom from your people, you're going to go back to the beginning yet again. And you're going to ask them if they love you one more time.

Speaker 3 And then when you feel ready, you can open your eyes and you can look around and appreciate your

Speaker 3 area. I already feel very like...
Grounded now.

Speaker 1 I do too. But who's at your table?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I'm not going to tell you.
It's a whole secret for me.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's beautiful.

Speaker 3 So I think it's always good. And I always, it's the, that exercise is always supposed to make you like feel connected to people.
And sometimes when you're anxious, you feel alone and disconnected.

Speaker 3 And so that's a good way to feel connected to people if you're not with them in that moment. That was beautiful.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right. So, Oak, thank you so much for being here.
I love doing this with you.

Speaker 3 And I

Speaker 1 also just love hearing your take on this stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I love sharing my 18-year-old

Speaker 3 brain with you.

Speaker 1 Well, you're the best. And you know what? You're the best.
Thank you for being here and spending time with us. And in case no one else tells you, I'm going to tell you that I love you.

Speaker 3 I love you too.

Speaker 1 I believe in you.

Speaker 3 I believe in you as well.

Speaker 1 And I believe in your ability to create a better life.

Speaker 3 As do I.

Speaker 1 So go do it.

Speaker 3 So go do it. All right.
We'll see you in a few days.

Speaker 3 Let's go.

Speaker 3 Let's get it. Like, we're going.
Let's get it. Okay, you ready? I am absolutely ready.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Oh, what was it?

Speaker 3 How am I doing, mom? Wow. Wow.
Dude, that's a dope.

Speaker 3 Oh, shoot. Sorry.
No, it's great.

Speaker 3 No, we don't. Even though I talked over you?

Speaker 1 I don't care. Okay, let's try it again.

Speaker 1 Is that your phone buzzing? Get it off the table. Was it buzzing? Yes.

Speaker 3 Oh, it was, yeah.

Speaker 3 Sorry about that.

Speaker 3 All right, where was I? Please.

Speaker 1 I don't know. So how are you feeling about the college process?

Speaker 3 Fantastic. Like, I'm submitted.
Like, it's awesome. Like I said.

Speaker 1 You know, and that's true, Oakley, for anyone that feels pressure about anything. I mean, I can think of a bunch of examples.

Speaker 1 Like, for example, if your son and your daughter, right, are trying to, oh, if your son and your daughter are trying to have a baby, that's a problem.

Speaker 1 That kid guy, that's supposed to be daughter-in-law. That's supposed to be a daughter.
There's a blooper.

Speaker 3 Woo. Okay, here we go.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Oh, and one more thing.

Speaker 1 And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 1 I'm just your friend.

Speaker 1 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Speaker 3 Got it? Good.

Speaker 1 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

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