6 Magic Words That Stop Anxiety & Overwhelm

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Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.

Speaker 1 I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for tuning in.
It's Mel, and right now I'm sitting in a hotel room in Salt Lake City.

Speaker 1 I've got about an hour before I've got to cross the street and head over to the convention center and give a speech. But something happened this morning where I caught myself going down a rabbit hole.

Speaker 1 I started worrying about something. Then the worries became even bigger.
And I realized I'm doing that thing. I'm doing that thing where I am causing myself a lot of pain because I am catastrophizing.

Speaker 1 So many of us struggle with this. You may struggle with this, where your mind is constantly defaulting to what's going to go wrong, or you're always dwelling on problems that haven't happened yet.

Speaker 1 And so I thought, why don't I just jump on the mic while I have a little bit of time here and explain what just happened to me? Cause I know you're going to relate to it. So here's the deal.

Speaker 1 So I wake up

Speaker 1 and I roll out of bed and I start my normal morning routine. And I pick up my phone.

Speaker 1 And one of the reasons why I picked up my phone is because our oldest child, our daughter Sawyer, who's 24 years old, is in the middle of a solo backpacking trip on the other side of the world.

Speaker 1 And this is something she's wanted to do for a long time. It's really well planned out.
And of course, because I'm her mother, because I worry, I am tracking her location. And we're all on WhatsApp.

Speaker 1 We're in a family group text. And right now, she is in Australia and she had planned as part of her itinerary that she was going to go on a couple solo hikes.

Speaker 1 Cue the worry. Okay.
I got my 24-year-old daughter backpack on her back in a country she's never been to.

Speaker 1 Obviously, it's relatively safe, but that does not prevent me from coming up with all kinds of fantasies in my mind about what could go wrong. And so I've been pretty good.
I've been really good.

Speaker 1 You know, I

Speaker 1 have been able to just enjoy from afar and not become a stalker, but something happened that caused me to spiral this morning.

Speaker 1 She summited this mountain in Australia to see a sunrise two days ago, and I haven't heard from her. And I go to track her location, and I'm like, where is she? And it's sort of rainbow wheeling.

Speaker 1 So I can't see where she is. And I know she's okay.

Speaker 1 Because she posted something on social media, but I woke up this morning and I immediately looked at my WhatsApp. There was no message from her in the family group chat.

Speaker 1 There was no message from her directly to me. I then went to Instagram.
There was no DM from her and I started to panic. And what did my mind think? I'm almost embarrassed to tell you.

Speaker 1 Why don't you just step in my shoes for a minute? What do you think Mel Robbins was thinking knowing that her daughter had summited a mountain alone? It's like a five-mile hike up.

Speaker 1 She started at four o'clock in the morning to see the sunrise. We saw the photos of the sunrise.
Haven't heard from her since. What do you think my mind is thinking right now? It's been 48 hours.

Speaker 1 She's on the other side of the world. Oh, you know.
I'm not thinking, oh, I bet she met some friends and she's out having fun, or maybe her phone died. Or you know what, Mel?

Speaker 1 Maybe she's so busy that she doesn't have time to talk to you because the whole point of her trip is not to keep you posted of her whereabouts.

Speaker 1 It's for her to go out and have this incredible experience and to grow and to discover and to be brave and to explore. That's not what my mind thought.
Nope. You know what my mind thought? She's dead.

Speaker 1 She fell off the mountain after taking the sunrise photo two days ago. The woman is dead.
Then I thought, no, no, no, maybe she got kidnapped.

Speaker 1 Then I thought, oh, no, she was sexually assaulted on the side of the trail. And somebody, this is disgusting, I know, but do not tell me that you don't do the same thing.
That your mind goes dark.

Speaker 1 I'm talking gruesome, scary horror movie, dark like in a nanosecond.

Speaker 1 And here's the thing.

Speaker 1 I know that this is a terrible thing to do.

Speaker 1 I know that this causes me pain. And I bet you do it too.

Speaker 1 I know you do, in fact, because I've seen the DMs that you write to me, whether it's you are worried about your money and you're constantly worried about something bad happening with your money or getting fired or forgetting about something for your kids.

Speaker 1 And that's where your brain is constantly settling. We're all guilty of this.
There is so much research around

Speaker 1 the fact that worry is so painful in your life. This is a really, really bad spiral to get into.
It causes you a lot of pain. It causes you a lot of stress.
It can certainly bring on anxiety.

Speaker 1 And if you already struggle with a little bit of anxiety, it can make it a lot worse. It doesn't help with your confidence.
Worry is a habit.

Speaker 1 And one out of three people, according to research, struggle with constant worrying. And so what I want to share with you today is a six-word sentence

Speaker 1 that I use

Speaker 1 all the time in these moments when I catch my mind spiraling. And it really helps me because

Speaker 1 it stops that freight train of bad, negative, catastrophic thoughts. And here's the six words.
You ready? This is what I say to myself. What if it all works out?

Speaker 1 So as I'm standing this morning in my underwear, I don't even have a bra on this morning, and I've already visualized my daughter falling to her death off of a cliff in the middle of nowhere in Australia.

Speaker 1 I'm brushing my teeth and I'm starting to notice my anxiety rising. It's 6.15 in the morning here and I have inflicted self-torture before I've had a glass of water or a cup of coffee.

Speaker 1 This is completely unnecessary.

Speaker 1 And so I'm standing there in my underwear. I'm visualizing my daughter's death or the fact that she's been kidnapped and abducted.
And I notice the stress rise.

Speaker 1 And I catch myself and I say to myself, Mel,

Speaker 1 what if it all works out?

Speaker 1 What if it all works out? I mean, you can't argue with that, right?

Speaker 1 What if it all works out? And this is what I want to teach you to do, because

Speaker 1 you need to start catching yourself. I think you and I can agree that we can't control anything that's happening outside of us, but we can certainly control our reaction to it.

Speaker 1 Because in this moment where you're worried about getting fired or you're worried about forgetting something for your kids or you're worried about what will happen if the people that you love the most are going to die before you can say goodbye.

Speaker 1 Or this one happens for me a lot. I'll be sitting on a plane and it's taking off and I suddenly spiral and think, if this plane crashes,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to see my daughter's wedding. I'm not going to meet my grandkids.
I'm not going to get to do all this stuff that I really want to do in my life.

Speaker 1 And in that moment where I'm in the negative, what if this? What if that? What if the other thing?

Speaker 1 And I feel the pain rising and I feel the stress rising and i feel the self-inflicted torture coming on i simply drop in those six words what if it all works out and here's what happens

Speaker 1 it stops the spiral that's the first thing that happens what if it all works out

Speaker 1 you just hit the brakes on the locomotive of worry the second thing that happens is because it's a question what if it all works out

Speaker 1 you actually pause for a second and consider it.

Speaker 1 And what you realize when you stop for a second and you pause and you consider, what if it all works out?

Speaker 1 Is

Speaker 1 you don't actually know what's going to happen, do you?

Speaker 1 You're just choosing to make yourself believe that something terrible has already happened. But the truth is, in this moment, you don't know.

Speaker 1 And so it is a fact,

Speaker 1 a logical fact.

Speaker 1 that it could all work out.

Speaker 1 This is kind of amazing. I want to throw some research at you.

Speaker 1 Let me find this. You can hear me flipping through my papers because there's a lot of really interesting stuff.
There is a study at Penn State where they looked at chronic worrying.

Speaker 1 And the average person has three to four major worries a day. Okay.
What if I get fired? What if I'm not happy? What if my marriage ends? Will I find love and have children?

Speaker 1 What if I don't make the money? What if this? What if that? What if the other thing?

Speaker 1 All these worries that every single one of us, you and me, we have at least three or four of them that cause us stress or make us feel some level of pain.

Speaker 1 According to this Penn State study, 91% of those worries are completely false. It's self-inflicted torture.
And I think you and I both know that. And here's the other really kind of interesting thing.

Speaker 1 You know, the other 9% of the worries that do happen? The outcome is almost always way better than you expected, period.

Speaker 1 The outcome is way better than you expected about a third of the time

Speaker 1 so what does this mean this means that you going what if it's a disaster what if this happens what if she's fallen off a cliff what if i never hear from her again what if she doesn't

Speaker 1 what if it all works out See, you don't know, do you? You don't know if you're getting fired.

Speaker 1 You don't know if you're going to run out of money, but you can rely on the research that 91% of the time it doesn't happen and a third of the 9% of the remaining, it's way better than you thought and that leaves you with a six percent chance that something might happen

Speaker 1 here's how i look at this if something bad happens i will deal with it then

Speaker 1 why do i need to torture myself now when i don't even know if something amazing is happening or something bad is happening

Speaker 1 so what if it all works out is a way for you to catch yourself because you and I inflict so much pain. And it is pain.
It's pain when you do this to yourself.

Speaker 1 It was painful to stand in the bathroom here in Salt Lake in my underwear, brushing my teeth, thinking about my daughter's death. And it's completely ridiculous.
It's not like, give me a break, Mel.

Speaker 1 Give me a freaking break. And I know all our fans right now in Australia and New Zealand are like, oh, she's fine.
Like that, that is ridiculous, Mel. It is so fabulous.
People do this all the time.

Speaker 1 They hike that trail. It's wide.
It's this. It's that.
I know the mountain you're talking about because she went up up for the sunrise. You're completely ridiculous.

Speaker 1 That's why you need this six-word sentence. What if it all works out?

Speaker 1 Because it will interrupt the spiral. And

Speaker 1 what we're going to talk about next is why it's important to interrupt the spiral. You know this based on common sense.
Why go through life torturing yourself?

Speaker 1 Why allow your mind to dwell in worries about things that either haven't happened or problems that haven't resulted yet or situations that are beyond your control. Why do this?

Speaker 1 I'm here to tell you, I don't want you to do this.

Speaker 1 I want to bring in some spirituality real quick, because there is this Buddhist teaching that I think is so beautiful and it's so relevant to what you and I are talking about right now. You ready?

Speaker 1 Anytime that you or I suffer from some kind of misfortune,

Speaker 1 And the misfortune might just be that you haven't heard from somebody in a couple days. Or it might just be that you got a bad annual review at work.

Speaker 1 Or it might just be that you suddenly got a bill or a diagnosis that scares the living daylights out of you. Okay.

Speaker 1 Anytime that a human being suffers some kind of misfortune in life,

Speaker 1 there are two arrows that get fired. The first arrow hits you when the painful event occurs.

Speaker 1 And for me this morning, grabbing my phone, looking for my daughter's location, seeing a rainbow wheel instead of some sort of location at a hostel,

Speaker 1 thinking about the fact that I haven't heard from her since I saw the sunrise photo two days ago, that moment

Speaker 1 was an arrow.

Speaker 1 Your arrow might be that somebody breaks up with you. It might be the number on the scale.
It might be that bill that just arrived and you're like, I don't have $1,000 to fix my car right now.

Speaker 1 It might be that you didn't get into the school you wanted to get into.

Speaker 1 It might be that

Speaker 1 you start coughing and you're really worried about a bad health diagnosis in your family. There is the first arrow.
Boom, hits, right?

Speaker 1 So this is the arrow that gets fired at you, like like right in your heart.

Speaker 1 The second arrow that gets fired is the arrow that you fire right into your forehead. It's your reaction to what just happened.
It's the arrow that you fire at yourself based on what you think

Speaker 1 next.

Speaker 1 And when you start to understand that life is going to fire arrows at you all the time, that triggers you to worry. The worry, the anxiety, the catastrophizing, that is the second arrow.

Speaker 1 And it causes you so much pain.

Speaker 1 I'm going to prove this to you based on some research studies that they've done about how anticipatory worry or being afraid of something or this kind of negative thinking lights up the pain pathways in your brain.

Speaker 1 And this is also a concept that has been studied and researched extensively in psychology. What psychologists and psychiatrists call this is having a primary and secondary emotional response.

Speaker 1 So, your primary emotional response is your immediate reaction to having something bad happen, or a fear of yours, or some sort of expectation that you have.

Speaker 1 The secondary emotion that you feel is the emotions that you sit with in reaction to it. This is the thing that lingers.

Speaker 1 So examples of this might be that when somebody dies, you have a primary emotion of profound shock and sadness and despair. It's that just avalanche that hits you.

Speaker 1 But the secondary emotion is the grief that can last

Speaker 1 a long time.

Speaker 1 And what we know based on research is that you don't really have a lot of control on the primary emotion, but there are a tremendous number of things that you can do in order to shorten the experience of the secondary emotion that you have.

Speaker 1 And that's what we're talking about. We're talking about that second arrow, the pain you cause yourself.

Speaker 1 And we're talking about it specifically based on the pain that worrying and catastrophizing, assuming the worst,

Speaker 1 what that's doing to your health, to your mindset, to your nervous system, to your attitude, and to your ability to experience more joy and fulfillment in your life.

Speaker 1 And that's why I'm on a mission today to both stop myself from firing that second arrow at my forehead and interrupt it, grab it out of the air so that I can assume something really good is happening.

Speaker 1 I can assume that it's all going to work out and I can stop torturing myself with all this shit that I'm making up anyway. And I want you to do the exact same thing.

Speaker 1 All right. So let's take a quick pause.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back.

Speaker 1 It's your friend Mel and you and I are sitting here and I was just confessing to you that I did a whole worry spiral this morning and I'm teaching you one of my favorite tools, the six sentence word, what if it all works out?

Speaker 1 These moments where an outside thing is happening to you triggers you to start catastrophizing or worrying.

Speaker 1 And we don't need to know the science to know that it is painful to stand there and be terrified that you're going to not be able to say goodbye to somebody that you love because you're scared of flying and now you're sitting in an airplane seat.

Speaker 1 And when you say to yourself, what if it all works out? You know what it's like? It's like, okay, life just fired an arrow at you. And I want you to stop and think right now.
Okay.

Speaker 1 What is

Speaker 1 an arrow?

Speaker 1 that life fired at you

Speaker 1 and think about something going on in your life right now. And in order to get you thinking about this, I'm going to bring in our global audience because I knew I wanted to talk about this.

Speaker 1 So we put up something on Instagram real quick. And you guys respond like, oh my gosh, moths to a flame.
It's incredible. I love you.

Speaker 1 And I asked, what would your life be like if you didn't worry about anything?

Speaker 1 And what are you worrying about right now? And so let me tell you some of the arrows that life is throwing at people. This is Sylvia.

Speaker 1 I'm scared of flying and I always worry because I feel out of control that I'm going to die on the plane flight. And here's the second arrow that she's firing.
What if I can't say goodbye?

Speaker 1 What if this is it? That's the second arrow. It's fine to be afraid of flying, but why are you torturing yourself with all these horrible thoughts?

Speaker 1 Instead, I want you to reach up and grab that second arrow that you're aiming at yourself with your worries in midair. I want you to yank it out of the air by going, what if it all works out?

Speaker 1 What if this plane lands? What if I not only get to see all these people that I love and say goodbye, but I'm the last one standing in my family. I outlive them all.
What if it all works out?

Speaker 1 Here's another one. Maggie.

Speaker 1 Annual reviews are coming up.

Speaker 1 Boom, that's an arrow in the heart. That's the first arrow.
It is nerve-wracking. That's true.
But why does Maggie need to go? What if I get fired? What if I'm the one that gets laid off?

Speaker 1 What's going to happen to my kids? How am I going to pay for groceries?

Speaker 1 That is the second arrow. That's why you need, what if it all works out? You reach up, you grab it, you grab it, you grab it, you grab it.
Here's another one.

Speaker 1 Here's a really, really important one from Gabby. I'm going through a divorce.
Boom, arrow straight to the heart. Even when you know it's the best thing, it's still painful, isn't it?

Speaker 1 That's what happens in your life.

Speaker 1 But the second arrow, what if I never,

Speaker 1 ever

Speaker 1 have the life that I actually want?

Speaker 1 You got to stop that shit from hitting your head. You got to stop firing that stuff right at yourself.
That's why you got to reach up with these six words. What if it all works out?

Speaker 1 What if it all works out? What if getting divorced is painful, but it's the best thing that ever happened to me?

Speaker 1 What if this divorce is really challenging right now, but I'm going to emerge stronger and a better version of myself and my kids are going to be better.

Speaker 1 And that's going to open the door to me being in a healthier, more supportive relationship.

Speaker 1 What if this is the best thing that ever happened to me, even though it's the hardest thing that ever happened to me? Isn't that awesome? This is how you stop firing that second arrow at yourself.

Speaker 1 Here's another one. There are natural disasters in the news all the time in the area that I live in.
That's an arrow.

Speaker 1 Every time you see a natural disaster, but why do you have to fire the second one at yourself? What if the mudslide takes out my house? What if the volcano erupts here?

Speaker 1 What if the floods come and they wipe out that thing?

Speaker 1 It hasn't happened yet. So, why on earth are you causing yourself this pain? I'll tell you why, because we're used to doing it.
This is what we do reflexively.

Speaker 1 Life fires an arrow and then we fire the second one. And so, this is why What If It All Works Out isn't just putting lipstick on a pig or icing a shitty situation over with some like positive gloss.

Speaker 1 This is actually using science to combat your shitty habits of torturing yourself.

Speaker 1 This is you intervening with logic because if something bad hasn't happened, how does worrying about it help you right now?

Speaker 1 If you don't know what's actually going to happen, how does worrying about it or assuming the worst case going to make things better? It's not.

Speaker 1 In fact, you experience the pain twice because you experience the anticipation of it. And let's just say you are going to get fired.
And look, I've been fired twice.

Speaker 1 I have been literally brought into somebody's office and told I'm doing a terrible job and let go.

Speaker 1 It is the worst.

Speaker 1 And then the second you leave, once you get over the humiliation of the whole thing, it's the most liberating thing that ever happens to you because you typically only get fired from a job that you can't stand anyway or that you know that you're not performing in, which is the case.

Speaker 1 But I knew it was coming. I just could feel it.
I tortured myself for a month. I didn't need to do that because it didn't change the outcome.

Speaker 1 If anything, it made me experience it over and over and over. And I'll tell you, anticipating it way worse than what actually happened.

Speaker 1 If I had just said to myself for those 30 days, what if it all works out now?

Speaker 1 What if you do get fired and it's the best thing that ever happened?

Speaker 1 What if you're not going to get fired, but this is a wake-up call for you to step it up and actually start performing a little bit better? It allows you to stop experiencing so much pain.

Speaker 1 Yesterday, I did this before I flew to Salt Lake because I was racing around the house. I couldn't find my freaking computer charger.
I couldn't find my passport.

Speaker 1 I couldn't find the bag that I normally put my travel equipment in. And I was racing around.
I was freaking out. I was like, oh my God, I only have 15 minutes before I got to go.

Speaker 1 What if I don't find the? And I was like, Mel, stop.

Speaker 1 What if it all works out? What if you suddenly find the charger? Or better yet, you're an adult. You can get to an airport and buy a charger.
So instead of literally firing arrows at yourself,

Speaker 1 you could stop firing it and focus. And that's why this is super, super important.

Speaker 1 I'm going to talk about the other reason why it's critical that you not escalate situations with this unnecessary worrying, okay?

Speaker 1 Here, let me give you some other ones from our audience.

Speaker 1 Oh, Natalie.

Speaker 1 Anytime I see somebody else happy, boom, arrow to the heart. That's what's happening around you.
Then she fires a second one. What if I'm never going to find my person?

Speaker 1 Does worrying about that help you find your person? No. It actually makes you feel more insecure.
And this is where I want to go next, because here's the thing.

Speaker 1 There is a profound connection between catastrophizing and aiming these arrows at yourself and the pain that you feel and how it impacts your ability to problem solve, to think clearly.

Speaker 1 This all comes from research out of UCLA from Dr. Judith Willis.
I wrote about this extensively for my research in the High Five Habit book. We interviewed Dr.

Speaker 1 Judith Willis for that book and dug into her research. And she is pioneering research around the connection between your nervous system and the ability for you to do what's called executive function.

Speaker 1 Executive function is basically the frontal lobe, the prefrontal cortex part of your brain, your forehead, basically, for those of us kind of everyday people. It's your ability to problem solve.

Speaker 1 It's your ability to make strategic decisions. It's your ability to think clearly.
When you start aiming that second arrow, my daughters must have fallen off a cliff. I haven't heard from her.

Speaker 1 Something terrible has happened. I'm going to get fired.
I'm never going to be happy again. I'm never going to get this weight off.

Speaker 1 And the pain and the pain and the pain that comes with doing that to yourself, it sets off the alarm.

Speaker 1 the fight or flight or freeze part of your nervous system, the sympathetic nervous system, it's called.

Speaker 1 And when the alarm nervous system is going off, it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain. It impacts decision making.
It impacts your ability to focus.

Speaker 1 It impacts your ability to problem solve. And so you're not only firing a second arrow at yourself, which causes so much pain, you are also firing that arrow right into the center of your forehead.

Speaker 1 And it impacts your ability to think clearly, to solve a problem. And here's why this is important.

Speaker 1 Let's just say, for those of you that are really skeptical and you're like, but yeah, but Mel, what if something bad does happen?

Speaker 1 What if your daughter did fall off of a cliff and she's laying there with a broken clavicle and she needs help? I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 If I don't hear from her in 72 hours, I need to move into problem-solving mode, right?

Speaker 1 Is it going to help me solve a problem halfway around the world if I've shot an arrow into the center of my forehead? And I've worked myself into such a state that I can't think clearly?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 And so even if the worst case scenario that you're terrified about happens, your ability to face it, to problem solve through it, to think clearly about your options, it is severely impaired by this constant worrying that you are doing.

Speaker 1 And that's why this is so important. What if it all works out? It doesn't guarantee that it will.

Speaker 1 It guarantees that you will stay calm, that you will stay focused, that you will stay present, and that you will stay positive until you know otherwise. And that's everything.

Speaker 1 All right, I'm going to hit the pause real quick.

Speaker 1 I got to run to the bathroom because I have a feeling that I'm going to be talking to you right up until the time I got to race out of this hotel room to go give a speech. Don't go anywhere.

Speaker 1 I got more that I want to share with you, including a lot of really cool research. Stay with me.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. It's your pal, Mel, and we're talking about the six words that I use that magically just boom, silences the worry spiral and my anxiety.
What if it all works out? Okay.

Speaker 1 So another thing I'm going to confess to you is that until I stumbled on this, what if it all works out,

Speaker 1 I didn't realize how much I was doing this to myself.

Speaker 1 I basically walked around life with a second arrow in my head because I was constantly worried about something, constantly thinking something bad was going to happen.

Speaker 1 And, you know, some of the experts that we've had on this podcast that talk about trauma or talk about the impact of growing up in a chaotic household or experiencing abuse or being the kind of person that felt like as a kid, you were always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Speaker 1 You were super hyper vigilant.

Speaker 1 This is very,

Speaker 1 very

Speaker 1 common for people like us.

Speaker 1 That is me. Miss looking around the corners,

Speaker 1 what is the bad thing that's going to happen, anticipating things. And what I'm here to tell you.

Speaker 1 is that if you start to really lean into what I'm talking about, which is how you aim the second arrow at your forehead and you start utilizing, well, what if it all works out to grab the second arrow, yank it out of your forehead and be present in the moment and not escalate things until necessary.

Speaker 1 You can still tap into your intuition. You can still look around corners, which is a superpower for you.

Speaker 1 But you don't have to add on the pain. that all of the negative thoughts are creating.
And there's so much research about this. First of all, stress can actually lead to physical pain.

Speaker 1 This comes from Dr. Arthur Barski, who's a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, where they've done these studies

Speaker 1 about how stress can lead to physical pain. And let me tell you something.
When you start allowing yourself to worry, I'm not going to get into college.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to be finding love after my spouse has died, or I'm never going to get this weight off, or I'm not going to get control of this.

Speaker 1 When you start doing that to yourself, it does cause physical pain. How many times have you been so stressed out or worried that you get a headache?

Speaker 1 Or you've been worried before a test and you get nauseous, don't you? Or you start shaking? Or your stomach is twisting and nuts.

Speaker 1 That's why we say twisting and nuts, because that's what it feels like. It's physical pain.
And a lot of times it begins from your nervous system getting triggered. That's the first arrow.

Speaker 1 And the second arrow is your thoughts. So they've done all of this interesting research.

Speaker 1 And what they have been able to prove in studies is that the neural pathways in your brain that indicate physical pain. The same ones light up when you have a painful thought.

Speaker 1 And it is painful to think that you're never going to be happy. It is painful to think you're not going to see your loved ones again.

Speaker 1 It is painful to think that you're never going to achieve your dreams or that you're never going to amount to something. That's why I want you to stop it.

Speaker 1 Scientists have also done this really interesting study where they looked at math anxiety. So math anxiety is literally just feeling stressed out and worried when you're about to do math problems.

Speaker 1 And the anticipation of doing math prompts a similar brain reaction as when you experience pain.

Speaker 1 And the researcher who is a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago and the leading expert on math anxiety said that it is the equivalent of burning one's hand on a hot stove.

Speaker 1 I love knowing this research because it allows you to stop and go, huh. It is true, because it is painful.
It's painful to think these thoughts.

Speaker 1 And that's why I want you to really steal these six words from me. What if it all works out?

Speaker 1 I also want you to steal this Buddhist teaching that when misfortune or stress or something doesn't meet your expectations or something painful happens in your life, that is the first arrow.

Speaker 1 Hits you right in the heart. But the second arrow.
is the one that you fire back at yourself into the center of your forehead based on what you think about what just happened.

Speaker 1 And that's the piece that you have control over.

Speaker 1 Yes, you will always think negative thoughts, but you don't have to escalate it. You don't have to stay there.
And you can use these six words, what if it all works out and logic

Speaker 1 to pause that spiral and to question

Speaker 1 your thinking. And when you question yourself, well, what if it all works out?

Speaker 1 The fact is, it just might, right? Like, you don't know.

Speaker 1 You haven't even entertained that possibility because you've been so busy firing arrows at your forehead, you didn't even stop to think, well, there's a whole different possibility here.

Speaker 1 And based on the research at Penn State, 91% of the time, that's the possibility. So what the hell am I all worked up about?

Speaker 1 Because getting worked up, as we know, based on the research at UCLA and from Dr. Judith Willis, it doesn't help me.

Speaker 1 Here's the final piece. If something bad is going to happen, I want you to not face it with an arrow in your head.
I want you to have your full capacity

Speaker 1 to think clearly, to ask for help, to solve whatever issue is happening in your life. And that's why this is also important, because

Speaker 1 Between now and whenever something amazing or something terrible happens in your life, you have the ability to be more present and to assume good intent and assume a positive outcome.

Speaker 1 And that is going to help you both enjoy your life, but it's also going to help you face things if they do in fact turn out to be hard, which we know based on the research is about 6% of the time.

Speaker 1 Those are odds I'm willing to play with. I'm willing to play with those odds.
I'm willing to bet that things are okay.

Speaker 1 I'm willing to bet on you and me and our ability to be more positive, to be more optimistic, to be more trusting, and to live in that space until we know otherwise.

Speaker 1 Doesn't that sound like a good idea? I think it does too. When you train yourself to reach up and grab that second arrow before it hits your forehead, because you don't know.
You don't know.

Speaker 1 And research shows that getting your mind to focus on positive thoughts, positive outcomes, visualizing, hey, what would it look like if this

Speaker 1 all works out?

Speaker 1 Scientists call this positive ideation.

Speaker 1 It is so effective in beating down that worry. So you might as well coach yourself to think something positive will happen.

Speaker 1 You might as well learn how to default to positive ideation, where you say, this could be the best thing that ever happens to me. This isn't easy, but I trust that I'm going to grow through it.

Speaker 1 I don't know what I'm doing, but I think I can figure it out. This is more difficult than I thought it would be, but boy, am I proud of myself for doing this.

Speaker 1 When you can default to positive ideation, I haven't heard from her in two days. She must be having the time of her life.

Speaker 1 I haven't heard from her in two days, but I saw that sunrise, which means she's probably so busy with all the friends she made up there because she was also taking photos of other people up there.

Speaker 1 She must be so busy, she didn't have time to talk to her mother. And wouldn't that be the most amazing thing that could happen if you went on a four-month solo backpacking trip as a 24-year-old woman?

Speaker 1 To be so caught up in the moment that you don't have time to check in at home. Boy, wouldn't that be a beautiful thing? And that's what I am telling myself because that's what I believe is true.

Speaker 1 So I want you to try it. Because, hey, what if you use these six words and it all works out?

Speaker 1 That would be a beautiful thing. All right,

Speaker 1 I got a speech to give, but I'm not dropping this mic until I tell you that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to face the things that are painful in your life.

Speaker 1 And I also believe in your ability to problem solve and to

Speaker 1 rise to these moments where life is painful and life is challenging. And you know what else I believe? I believe whatever it is that you're worried about right now,

Speaker 1 it's all going to work out. I'll talk to you in a few days.

Speaker 1 I should never have eaten that burrito before we tape this because I don't think burping.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, you guys. Does anybody have an anacid?

Speaker 1 There is a windscreen for this that is right here.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 1 Okay, you ready?

Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel Rob. Oh, hold on.

Speaker 1 Little bit strong out of the gate here this morning, Monday morning. Okay, great.
I think we're in.

Speaker 1 Okay, let me start all over. How am I going to get into this? Okay.
Boom.

Speaker 1 Oh, and one more thing. And no.
This is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.

Speaker 1 This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend.

Speaker 1 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good.

Speaker 1 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

Speaker 1 Hey, welcome into Walgreens. Hi there.

Speaker 1 All right, hon, I'll grab the gift wrap,

Speaker 1 cards, and oh, those stuffed animals the girls want.

Speaker 2 Great, and I'll grab the string lights and some.

Speaker 2 How about I grab some cough drops?

Speaker 3 This is not just a quick trip to Walgreens.

Speaker 1 I'm fine, honey.

Speaker 2 Well, just in case. You know what they say.
Tis the season.

Speaker 3 This is help staying healthy through the holidays.

Speaker 1 Walgreens.

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