Where Did All My Friends Go? A Simple Guide to Finding Your People (Steal This!)

Speaker 1 Every December, we host an office cookie swap, but check this out: I don't bring any cookies. Instead, I roll in with a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes from Starbucks for everyone.

Speaker 1 It's kind of become my thing. And at this point, if I actually brought cookies, I think everyone would be disappointed.

Speaker 1 And there's just something about that drink: it's a Starbucks blonde espresso milk over iced sweet sugar cookie flavor topped with festive sprinkles. It's like a sugar cookie in a cup.
I just love it.

Speaker 1 So does everybody else. Now, here's the funny part.
That quick stop at Starbucks, it's like a little ritual. Five quiet minutes in the car.
You got your drink in hand.

Speaker 1 Before the holiday chaos starts, it's where you can take a little pause and ask yourself, what do I want to carry into the new year?

Speaker 1 Aside from a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes, you need to steal this idea at your next cookie swap. Come together over your holiday favorites at Starbucks.

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Speaker 1 See ahs.com slash contracts for coverage details, including service fees, limitations, and exclusions. Hey, it's Mel.

Speaker 1 And welcome to an impromptu jump on the mic, people,

Speaker 1 episode of the Mel Robbins podcast. Let's freaking do this.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, you guys, I have something I have to talk to you about.

Speaker 1 Making your life as an adult as fun as summer camp

Speaker 1 and how to make adult friends using coffee shops in your neighborhood. Okay.
Awesome. Okay.
Yes. But first,

Speaker 1 I came from a coffee shop. Can we talk about this freaking pastry that I brought? Squirrel.
Oh my God. I love a pastry, everybody.
I exercise simply to eat a 10,000 calorie pastry.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Look at it.
Well, it's worth it.

Speaker 1 Most of you don't know this, but I have a love affair with pastries because my grandparents, Betty and Frank Schneeberger, they

Speaker 1 laughing about it. Are you laughing at my freaking name?

Speaker 1 It is a funny name. And also, you act like, you know, oh, you know, Betty and Frank Schneeberger? Yeah, right down the road.

Speaker 1 Like, it's like a very funny, like, well, they're no longer under the ground and up in heaven. No, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, but they sound like folksy and like they are people that we would like to be friends with

Speaker 1 and eat a pastry with. They are

Speaker 1 salt of the earth. My grandfather immigrated here from Austria at the age of 15.
Wow. He was in the Navy.

Speaker 1 My grandmother grew up in a coal mining town in Ohio, and they met because she was shipped off from the coal mining town to become a maid for some rich family based on a newspaper ad. Whoa.

Speaker 1 And they met. And when he got out of the Navy, they started working in a baker in Chatham, New Jersey.
And my grandfather was the baker.

Speaker 1 And ultimately, over the years, they bought out the owner and they were the Chatham bakery people. This is, by the way, why I never saw them, because they ran a bakery by themselves.

Speaker 1 And when you run a bakery,

Speaker 1 you're running a bakery. Right.
So I always think about my grandparents when I see a great pastry. So I love pastries.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's the breakthrough that I had. When I first moved to this tiny ass town

Speaker 1 a couple years ago now, I guess I haven't, I've lived here full time now for about a year. When I first moved here, I hated it.

Speaker 1 I was lonely. I had

Speaker 1 no friends other than you two. And you two are amazing, but I'm sorry, like it's kind of lame if your only friends are from work, right? Yes.
I hated it here.

Speaker 1 Today, I realized

Speaker 1 that I have had a life-changing breakthrough.

Speaker 1 I woke up today and I feel like I live in adult summer camp. That's awesome.
I woke up. I rolled out of bed.
I had my glass of water. I made my bed and then I checked my phone.

Speaker 1 And Amy, you and David Gerbitz were already texting like schoolgirls. We were like at 5.30 in the morning.
You're like, who's up? And you're texting photos of the view this morning.

Speaker 1 And then you're like, who wants to do something? Is Amy pulling a card? Are we going for a walk? What's happening?

Speaker 1 And then you said, Mel, get in here.

Speaker 1 And that was the last text I read. And I was like, here, what do you mean in here? And then I realized you were talking about just get in the text chat.
Yeah. And then talk to us.

Speaker 1 Well, we were up before the bugle, you you know at camp kind of like we were just up

Speaker 1 and yeah we're we're like-minded in that way we're all up early in the morning doing our thing getting our day started so i was like mel get in here what have you got to say what are you doing

Speaker 1 and i felt this like

Speaker 1 I have friends. Yeah.
I have friends that are having fun that want me to have fun. Yes.
I was like, God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 And then like, it just was this moment. And so as I was

Speaker 1 reflecting on this this morning, I thought, how did I get here? How did I get here?

Speaker 1 How did I get from being new to a tiny community, feeling so depressed and lonely, being worried that I had made a huge mistake by leaving a place that I had been for a very long time, convincing myself I would never find people like people having college or you have it summer camp and you're just having fun and you're doing life together and there's no, there's some drama, but no drama, really.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, right, right.

Speaker 1 And here I am. And I've created it.

Speaker 1 And I realize the point of the episode today is to get you to consider that it is within your power to create an experience as an adult where your life feels like summer camp, where your friendships are really fun, where you're having fun, where you wake up to text chains, where friends are already talking.

Speaker 1 And that's what's happened. And oddly enough, it has to do a lot with coffee shops.
I can't wait to hear this. Let's do it.
Okay. Okay, great.

Speaker 1 And I just need to also say that there are people outside doing all kinds of work around here. There are tractors.
There are stone walls that are getting built. There is pavement going in today.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, you're going to hear some stuff. Yes.
And we're not going to edit it out because the whole point of the Mel Robbins podcast is that we're doing life together.

Speaker 1 And we're putting our arm around you and taking you on that walk with us. Along with all the brawny men outside.
Yeah. Jumping on the mic.
Yeah, Yeah, we're just jumping on the mic together.

Speaker 1 And I want to inspire you today

Speaker 1 to think about the next 12 months of your life and the breakthrough that is available to you if you start to show up differently and you get super intentional about creating fun with friends and meeting new people and putting yourself out there.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, there's a friend of mine.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 1 It's a friend of mine calling like on cue.

Speaker 1 Gretchen.

Speaker 1 Gretchen. Mal.
Yes, you're on the podcast. We were just talking about friendship and how it sounds, it feels like summer camp here.
And then you called.

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm so glad I called too. I'll call you back when you're done with your podcast.
All right, but just tell everybody how miserable I was a year ago. Well, you thought you had no friends.

Speaker 1 You did have friends and you were depressed and you were sad, sacked, but you had friends and you were loved. You just didn't feel it.

Speaker 1 Oh, whoa, dropped them. Dropped them.
Hey, wow, exactly. Hey,

Speaker 1 she sounds like a camp counselor this morning. Yes, yes.

Speaker 1 All right, my love. All right.
I love you. I'll call you later.
Bye.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Maybe we should start there.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like, maybe you do have friends and you're not letting them in.

Speaker 1 Amy, I'm looking at you. Yeah, I believe it.
You're looking at me because I just said that. Yes.
Yes. Just yesterday, Amy turned to me and was like,

Speaker 1 I need to find my friend group. I'm like, bitch, I'm in your friend group.
What are you talking about? I thought about that. And I told my husband, Tim, about that.

Speaker 1 And he was like, that is probably the rudest thing you could ever say to somebody. I need friends while looking at a room full of people

Speaker 1 that are like your contacts. Not you.
Not you.

Speaker 1 I mean, real friends. No, I know.
It's true. But

Speaker 1 you know what that points to, though, Mel is I was feeling a little sad.

Speaker 1 Why? Because I was looking at life through the lens of I don't have any friends.

Speaker 1 I was literally telling the person, you, that I am friends with, well, I don't have any friends.

Speaker 1 How lame is that?

Speaker 1 You know, and I was thinking about that moment and how I changed my mindset on that and how, you know, you were kind of like, all right, listen, this ends here if you're not going to consider me, you know, like a good friend.

Speaker 1 And I thought about it and I thought, why do I feel like that?

Speaker 1 It's just a habit to feel like that. Yes.
And I also think that

Speaker 1 as an adult, there is a major change in mindset that you need to make. And interestingly, Gretchen clearly called at the exact right time to make sure that we talked about this.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's kind of uncanny because

Speaker 1 when you're growing up, So much of your friendships are orchestrated through teams and classes that you're in and through people that live on your hallway or people that you work with.

Speaker 1 And so they are made for you through proximity. Right.
But the older that you get, the more intentional you need to be about causing those bump ins and causing reasons to get together.

Speaker 1 As life gets busier, as you get older, as people move away, as people go through different life experiences, whether it's a change in a job or an ending of a marriage or a breakup or whatever, or start having kids or get a ton of dogs or whatever ends up happening,

Speaker 1 your friendships change because you stop seeing people so much. But here's the mistake that I made is I stopped thinking that the people that I didn't see as much were my friends.

Speaker 1 We associate the amount of times you see somebody

Speaker 1 with whether or not they are actually a friend of yours. And I am here to make you think differently on a number of levels because these are big breakthroughs that I had.

Speaker 1 A year ago when I was a sad, sack, lonely, I got no friends, bitch. I remember it.
I was so sad.

Speaker 1 Amy's favorite story about me is like the definition of pathetic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, you were, you had just moved into this house and it is a gorgeous home and your surroundings are fantastic and yet you're crying your eyes out.

Speaker 1 And, you know, like Gretchen said, super sad, sack. And I was trying to cheer you up.
And I said, Mel, what do you think you'll do with the landscaping here?

Speaker 1 Knowing that you love flowers, I said, do you think you're maybe going to plant some

Speaker 1 hydrangea here or peonies that you love? And you said,

Speaker 1 I don't know. I'll probably just leave it all dirt.

Speaker 1 And what do we know? Who's outside today?

Speaker 1 We're planting. Yeah, a year later, here I am.
Planting peonies, hydrangeas, and tons of hostas. Yeah.
And here, this is an important part because

Speaker 1 When it comes to loneliness and friendship, it doesn't matter how nice your car is. It doesn't matter how good your job is.
It doesn't matter how much money you have or you don't have.

Speaker 1 If you tell yourself the story that nobody likes you or that all your friends are gone or that you're the only one that doesn't have a friend group or you can't have any fun or you're not having any fun or you'll never have fun again, you will stay stuck there.

Speaker 1 And the truth is your friends didn't go anywhere. Your friends, I am convinced, and I need you to hear this loud and clear.
Every single adult right now is having a friendship crisis.

Speaker 1 You believe that your friends are having this wild party and you're not invited. And it's not true.

Speaker 1 Every single time I talk about this topic with anybody, they chime in and say, I feel the exact same way. I feel like I never see my friends.
I feel lonely.

Speaker 1 I'm not having as much fun as I would like to have. And I got so sick and tired of going, I'm just going to live with Dirk.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to plan anything

Speaker 1 that I said, woman, if you want to have more fun if you want friends you got to put your ass out there again you do you have to cause this just like if i want plants to grow i got to plant the seeds yeah i got to split the hosta i got to stick them in the ground and i'm telling you i want to inspire you today to think differently about friendship Okay, I want today to be the day that you turn the corner and you start to plant those seeds because you can wake up a year from now and go, holy guacamole.

Speaker 1 my life feels like camp yeah i have a lot of friends i'm having fun again and they're on purpose friends what is an on purpose

Speaker 1 friend is somebody that you deliberately wanted to be friends with and made that friendship happen okay so uh not on purpose would be work friends or friends that you um i don't know that you maybe do some kind of sporting activity with but like It's not because you're a friend group first.

Speaker 1 It's just the sport. They're a friend of friends.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a common bond, but that bond comes before the friendship. So, like, the softball softball team is going to always exist, whether you're on or not.
Hold on a second.

Speaker 1 Okay, I love this distinction. Okay.

Speaker 1 The difference between the bond that's created versus the friendship that's developed.

Speaker 1 So, to use the three of us as an example, we have a bond because we work together every day,

Speaker 1 but our friendship got created because we took it way further

Speaker 1 than just the bond of work. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
There's caring, love, empathy, and nurturing and supporting outside hours. And probably HR non-compliant

Speaker 1 conversations. Cool, because it's on purpose.

Speaker 1 It's on purpose. So we want to.
On-purpose friends

Speaker 1 are amazing.

Speaker 1 And I'm kind of just opening up to that too, because you don't feel like they're I think that's part of the reason why I felt like I didn't have any friends because you feel like they're just friends with me because I work with them.

Speaker 1 Right. Or they're just friends with me because I'm in school with them.
Right. Right.
And that can make you feel like you're not really a good friend. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But on purpose friends, for me, fill your life with such vitality and activity and excitement because they're there for you.

Speaker 1 They're the friend that's behind you, not behind the softball team or the organization that you work for or whatever. They're there for you.
How great is that to be on purpose with your friendship?

Speaker 1 Great. So already two massive takeaways.
Number one,

Speaker 1 there's a lie you're telling yourself, which is you have no friends. That's actually not true.

Speaker 1 Your friends are still there. What's been missing is the fact that you're not being proactive about

Speaker 1 developing the friendship piece. So let's take Amy's little framework there.

Speaker 1 Every relationship, when it's a friendship, has both the bond, which is is usually created from some outside force, you're a neighbor, or you're working together, or you go to the same yoga studio.

Speaker 1 Or your family. Or your family.
Yeah, that's a good one. Or whatever, like you went to college together.

Speaker 1 When the bond that brings you together all the time disappears, it's on you to keep the caring. and the interest and the outreach alive because that's what the friendship actually is.

Speaker 1 And so I want you to understand

Speaker 1 that all those people that you used to hang out with, that you used to feel that bond with, they're still there.

Speaker 1 And they're thinking you left.

Speaker 1 And you have an opportunity to flip your thinking and realize it's literally about reaching back out, getting

Speaker 1 very intentional about the reconnection because

Speaker 1 the last three years and everything that we've all been through, I think evaporated the bond that brought most of us together in real life with our friends.

Speaker 1 And so I, that's takeaway number one.

Speaker 1 Takeaway number two

Speaker 1 is that this is possible in your life.

Speaker 1 You can have an experience in your adult life that your entire adult life when it comes to friendship is a camp experience, that you're in it with other like-minded people, that you're having fun, that there are activities.

Speaker 1 And if you want that, then get the shovel out and start planting some seeds.

Speaker 1 And today, I'm so excited to share with you this framework around coffee shops because I think this is a simple way to get your butt out of the house, especially for those of you like the three of us who moved to a new area in the last three years.

Speaker 1 And all the bonds disappear because we're in a new physical location. And so this could be you.

Speaker 1 This could be you that you've gotten a divorce, you've changed job, you've moved in the last three years, you've graduated from college, you're in a new city, you broke up with somebody and now you're single.

Speaker 1 All these things that evaporate bonds, your friends are still there, number one.

Speaker 1 Number two,

Speaker 1 you can make new amazing friends too.

Speaker 1 I got to take a quick pause and eat this freaking pastry.

Speaker 1 When we come back, I'm going to unpack this amazing coffee shop example to how you, yes, you, can start to create the best friends you've ever had in your life as an adult. I'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Awesome.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you know this, but I wrote the Let Them Theory book with our 26-year-old daughter, Sawyer.

Speaker 1 And the book is all about taking control of your own life, your reactions, your emotions, everything, right, Soy? Totally.

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Speaker 1 Oh my God, I'm a nutcase around the holidays. You don't want to know why? Finding the perfect gift, it can feel impossible.

Speaker 3 Mom, I know. It's like, what do you get the person who has everything?

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Speaker 3 You could use it to buy a fitness app or a mindfulness app or new AirPods. That's such a good idea.

Speaker 1 It's like giving them the power to unlock their full potential.

Speaker 3 And it's super easy to send. I know what I'm getting you this year.

Speaker 1 Oh, baby. Absolutely.
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Speaker 1 Welcome back. It's your friend Mel.
Got my arm around you. We're going for that walk.
We're having pastries this morning. Amy and Jesse have joined us.
This is one of these impromptu episodes.

Speaker 1 I cannot get

Speaker 1 the information out of my mouth faster.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got a lot to say. I had a lot to say.
You have a lot to say. I can't wait to hear what you have to say about friendship and coffee houses.
It seems like a low lift. Right.

Speaker 1 Seems like, you know, something achievable. So

Speaker 1 tell us. What you got, Mel?

Speaker 1 I'm so excited about this because I do think it's possible for the next year for you to take on a project around friendship and for you to create the best friendships of your entire life doing this.

Speaker 1 And I'm so excited because I realize looking backwards that that's what I've been doing for a year. I've been putting myself out there and putting myself out there and putting myself out there.

Speaker 1 So here's the, here's the, the, the bakery friendship.

Speaker 1 What should I call this framework? The three-part, I don't even know what the hell to call this. Here's how you use a bakery to get friends as an adult.
There you go.

Speaker 1 So I think one of the hard things about being an adult, particularly in this world of remote work, is that you don't have as many chances to bump into people.

Speaker 1 And so that bond of a softball team or work or your kids' soccer games or going to a yoga studio, one major thing that has impacted adult friendship is that people are way more secluded in their homes.

Speaker 1 And so it's reduced exponentially the opportunity for the first part of friendship, which is that external bond that brings you together. So you got to create the bond.

Speaker 1 And what I realized in moving to a new town, it's hard to find people. Like, where am I finding my people? And I don't want to seem like a desperate stalker.
So, you know, how do I find my people?

Speaker 1 And when I'm out in public trying to create this bond,

Speaker 1 how do I approach without seeming creepy? How do you do that if you're introverted? Like this is weird.

Speaker 1 It's not like we're all freshmen in college again because

Speaker 1 people that are out in public, you don't know if they're new to the area. You don't know if they've been here forever.
Of course. Yeah.
I don't know. Yes.

Speaker 1 And so we sort of opt out of these opportunities. And that's where the coffee shop comes in.
So

Speaker 1 first, I want you to think about your town. And I'm going to tell you something that's true that you've probably never thought about.

Speaker 1 There are four types of coffee shops in your town.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 There is the chain,

Speaker 1 so Dunkin' Donuts, Honeydew, Starbucks, insert your favorite chain. Okay.

Speaker 1 And that's one type. There is the first responder coffee shop,

Speaker 1 where the EMTs, the volunteer fire folks, the police officers, they're all gather there every morning.

Speaker 1 There is the neighborhood local coffee shop, which is the place that a lot of moms stop by quickly on their way to school, or maybe they meet their mom friends after school.

Speaker 1 And then there's the fourth type of coffee shop in your neighborhood, which is that high-end one.

Speaker 1 You know, the kind of place where people wear an apron with leather straps and the pastries look like you would pay $75 for them. Right.
Okay. Are you getting a coffee?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 And you have to think about it and identify those four types of coffee shops because the coffee shops themselves create an opportunity to create that external bond that is needed in order to form a friendship.

Speaker 1 Hear me out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because all four of those types of coffee shops

Speaker 1 automatically, like the sorting hat and Harry Potter,

Speaker 1 sort out the kind of people that that walk through the front door.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I could see this.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 1 So if you think about the first type of coffee shop, the chain,

Speaker 1 that is not a great place for you to create a bond with anybody that you want to become friends with. Yeah.
A lot of them have mobile order. A lot of them have drive-through.

Speaker 1 And so the entire psychology and energy of anybody going to that coffee shop is get in and get out. Yeah.
Get in and get out. Make it efficient.
Get in and get out. Don't want to be seen.
Correct.

Speaker 1 And if there is somebody sitting in there with a laptop, they're likely going to have headphones on

Speaker 1 because they're trying to get something done.

Speaker 1 And because that kind of coffee shop experience is so transactional that people are in and out and in and out and in and out, it's a very distracting place to work. Right.

Speaker 1 And so it's not a great place to create a bond.

Speaker 1 So we're going to just move that off the table. Okay.
Yeah. Makes sense.
Second type of coffee shop in every community is what I call the first responders, salt of the earth coffee shop.

Speaker 1 This is where the people that grew up in the town, the old timers, the

Speaker 1 volunteers that keep our town running, they got the best damn donuts in town. The little cups of coffee.
Oh, yeah, the little

Speaker 1 thick saucers. This like used to be the diner crowd.
Yeah. And here's an institution.
It's an institution.

Speaker 1 and when you're new it is intimidating as hell to walk into it even though it's all of the most best amazing people

Speaker 1 who know everyone yes they make your town run right but it feels like an insider yeah yeah it feels like a hard casing on top of that that you have to kind of crack you feel like you have to sit down there yes where it's like no i'm just here to grab and go but you got i don't know everyone in there is relaxed and sitting and and gonna to be there for a while.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Now, that kind of first responder, salt to the earth.
Thank you for your service, everybody. We love you.

Speaker 1 The backbone of our town. That kind of coffee shop proves my point because that coffee shop experience where everybody gathers,

Speaker 1 they're always there having their cup of coffee before work, or they're always there after plowing all the driveways in a snowstorm. That coffee shop has created their bond.
Yes.

Speaker 1 They prove that it's possible. Yes.
Never thought about that. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And by sitting there over a cup of coffee and having it be a ritual to start their day together most mornings, their friendship is deepening.

Speaker 1 A couple things about this kind of coffee shop, best donuts in town. They probably have a croller, you know, that big, you know, kind of donut thing that you're going to dip in.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you what they don't have. Those kinds of coffee shops never have a machine that makes cappuccinos and lattes.
You're right. It's not an espresso.
Right. Yeah.
Nope, nope.

Speaker 1 And so here's the thing I want to tell you. If those are the kind of folks that you really connect with, and this is my entire extended family.

Speaker 1 I come from a line of farmers and machinists and CEOs and sheriffs and nail technicians and school administrators and people that own bakeries. These are my people.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it is so intimidating when you're in a new town. It is.

Speaker 1 To

Speaker 1 penetrate that established crowd. Yeah.
It's like being a kid and sneaking into the teacher's lounge. It is like that.
Yeah. But if you're lucky enough to do it,

Speaker 1 they're going to be great people. Yes.
They're in good hands. If you just show up every week and you sit down, they will put their arm around you.
You just got to start showing up.

Speaker 1 And so that's coffee shop number two.

Speaker 1 We're going to take another quick break because I want more of this pretty strong.

Speaker 1 Get in there, Mel. And when we return, I'm going to explain coffee shop number three and coffee shop number four.

Speaker 1 And then we're going to get into some really great techniques that you can use once you pick which coffee shop you're going to try to establish your bond in to make the approach.

Speaker 1 Stay with us. Awesome.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back.

Speaker 1 It's your friend Mel.

Speaker 1 This pastry is so damn good. I'm talking about adult friendship and how I'm on a mission to inspire you to create the best friendships of your entire life.

Speaker 1 Coffee shop number three in your town, the local coffee shop.

Speaker 1 It's where all the moms go on the way to work or on the way to dropping off kids at school.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 it's the place where it's bustling in the morning. You got people with laptops out.
Every other customer, they're like, I'll have the regular.

Speaker 1 And the people working behind the counter are like, they know, oh, that means you want a latte with three sugars and you want the carrot muffin to go.

Speaker 1 They're usually busy till like 11 because a lot of people meet there after dropping off their kids. Like, it's that kind of place.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it's different from number one

Speaker 1 because it's maybe not a franchise and it's just more local. Yes, the local feel.
Yep. Yeah.
Yep. Okay.
And different for number two,

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 it's not really the place where you see the established group

Speaker 1 almost every morning. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 This is the place that if I had to meet you at 10 o'clock to catch up, we'd meet there. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Solid food, solid coffee.

Speaker 4 You know, you're going to get the right thing.

Speaker 1 Exactly. They got the little punch card for you.

Speaker 1 The coffee for loyalty cards. Yeah.
They might even have the alphabetized index on the desk. you know, for your cards.
You can leave it there. It's like that kind of place, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 They might convert to sandwiches, you know, at noontime, that kind of of place.

Speaker 1 And all the team figures in town work there in the summertime.

Speaker 1 Exactly, exactly, exactly. And, you know, one of the other things I'm going to layer into this is that sorting hat reference.

Speaker 1 Certain types of people go to certain types of coffee shops on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't frequent all four because I do frequent all four of these.
Sure.

Speaker 1 But there is my go-to that if you could only pick one of the four, there is one that you would pick.

Speaker 1 And that's how you know the kind of person that you are and the kind of sorting hat thing that's going to happen for you. And this gets deeper and deeper, but let me tell you number four next.

Speaker 1 So, number four is that coffee shop that is always written up in the travel guide about your town.

Speaker 1 It is the one that is with barnwood, and the people that work there are very like kind of cool, yeah, maybe a beanie.

Speaker 1 You've got an

Speaker 1 apron on with a leather strap. Yeah, the pastries look like a million dollars.

Speaker 1 The coffee is strong.

Speaker 1 The latte machine is like the size of a New York City bus and it looks gorgeous.

Speaker 1 Right. Right.
And

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 is a whole different crowd. Yeah.
Very, a whole different crowd. Yep.
And one of the things that I love about this distinction is that when you decide one, two, three, or four,

Speaker 1 you got two hours to kill.

Speaker 1 Where are you going to go sit with your book?

Speaker 1 And the reason why this is important is because you know instinctually in your heart, there are going to be certain kinds of people with certain kinds of interests coming in and out.

Speaker 1 Because none of these are better than the other. They just attract a person who's interested in certain things.

Speaker 1 And look, there are amazing people that go to all four, and there are complete assholes that go to all four. It's not about that.

Speaker 1 It's about what people like.

Speaker 1 Right. So that's why the sorting hat is important.
If you want to start to make adult friends, park yourself at one of those coffee shops

Speaker 1 several mornings a week and on one day on the weekend for an hour.

Speaker 1 How is that going to help, Mal? You're going to start seeing people coming in and out. And they're going to be the same people.

Speaker 1 And you're going to start saying hello. Oh.

Speaker 1 and like I've seen Jesse at coffee shop number four, guilty, yeah, yes, and it was Jesse that told me about it. I had been here an entire year, I did not know that coffee shop number four existed.

Speaker 1 Wow, because your eyes were closed to the friendship. Yes, I was still thinking I was just gonna have dirt around my house.
Yeah, not like going to a coffee shop.

Speaker 1 Living in her aunt, aunt farm, and all the dirt. Yeah, Jesse was like, Have you been to this coffee shop?

Speaker 1 And I'm not going to name it because I don't need stalkers showing up there, even though I'd love to promote all the coffee shops in our town. Yeah,

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 I was like, No,

Speaker 1 this is

Speaker 1 kick rocks. No, I walked into that place.
I was like, Am I in Brooklyn, New York? Yeah, there's a person with a beanie. Yeah, there's an espresso machine.

Speaker 1 There's a pastry that I'd pay $75 for, largely because it tastes like $75. So I'm willing to pay six, five dollars for this thing.
I think it was what it was. That's a bargain.
That's a bargain.

Speaker 1 That's a freaking bargain. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And when I walked into this place, I was like, oh,

Speaker 1 oh, my God. Yeah.
Oh, my God. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 here's how this works. This becomes your go-to place.
So anytime you meet somebody you knew or somebody introduces you to somebody in the town, you say, how about we go get coffee on Saturday morning?

Speaker 1 at nine o'clock at the such and such. Yeah.
Now, here's where this starts to build. As you meet new people, here's what you say.

Speaker 1 Cause I always meet my friends there at nine o'clock on Saturday morning. You're creating an institution.

Speaker 1 You're creating your bond in your institution. You know what? This is, you know what's hitting me right now? Friendship is a verb.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 like when you're saying, oh, let's meet up for coffee or park yourself at the coffee shop and then you actually have to talk to people. Yes.
Friendship is a verb. Like you got to be doing things.

Speaker 1 It's an action word. Like you have to make it happen.
That's what's hitting me right now. Yes.
And the more you go there, the more you start to know the staff and the owners.

Speaker 1 And then you'll see who else knows the staff and owners. And then that gives you an in.
Don't you just love this place?

Speaker 1 How long have you known so-and-so and so-and-so?

Speaker 1 And here's another way that you can like strike up a conversation. If you're standing in line, turn to the person next to you and ask them, what's the best donut? What's the best muffin?

Speaker 1 What's the best pastry here? What do you recommend? Yeah. That's your in.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's your in and here's the other reason why i don't like category number one for this kind of friendship building who in their right mind turns to anybody at a starbucks or knuck and donuts is like what donut do you recommend yeah like no you're like idiot they've had the same ones for a decade what do you mean what ones have you never been here the menu has not changed yes and and plus you don't know if they're just driving through yeah yeah and so this allows you to start to create that bond it gives you a place where you're always going to say you meet people on Saturday mornings there at nine o'clock in the morning.

Speaker 1 And that's your parking spot. That's your bond.
And then you tell people that every time you meet them there and then people start to bring their friends. Yeah.
And that's how it starts to grow.

Speaker 1 I love that, Mel. That's such a great strategy.
If you're outgoing and you happen to be one of the top motivational speakers in the world, Mel.

Speaker 1 But for the rest of us, and for many people in the inbox who write in and struggle and say they're introverted and they're shy.

Speaker 1 And, you know, it's really really hard for them to put themselves out there. You got any specific tips for anyone who's introverted? Here's another tip.

Speaker 1 If you're shy and if you have trouble approaching people, here's the best way to approach for anybody.

Speaker 1 Look at something the person is wearing or look at

Speaker 1 some feature like glasses or nails or a hairstyle or a hair or color or braids or whatever it may be or a weave or Aries, earrings, jewelry. Compliment them.

Speaker 1 Compliment them. Yeah.
When you compliment, oh my God, your nails are so great. Wow.

Speaker 1 People literally light up like a light bulb. They do.

Speaker 1 They do.

Speaker 1 I know I do, right? Like, yeah. So everybody else must too.
Yeah. Yes.
Yeah. Yes.
That's a good one. I got another good one.

Speaker 1 Gum.

Speaker 1 Gum. I'm telling you, my therapist told me this when I was in high school.
I was an extroverted person, but I became really, really shy when there was a class of like 100 girls.

Speaker 1 I went to an all-girls school and I didn't know how to talk to any of them. So my therapist said, you know what? Always carry gum with you.

Speaker 1 And when you meet another person, say, would you like a stick of gum?

Speaker 1 And that's how friendship starts because you're sharing the gum. The next thing you know, you're talking.
The next thing you know, you're having lunch with the person.

Speaker 1 So after you compliment their earrings, take a look at their nails, tell them that they're beautiful, give them a piece of gum. You got any other lines?

Speaker 1 Any good openers as you're talking to strangers in a coffee shop? Yes. If you're new, I would say this all the time to people, I'm new here.
What do people do here? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Or even if you're not new somewhere, you can say to somebody, I've fallen out of loop, but what's going on? What's going on this weekend around here? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And here's what's super cool about that. Let's go back to the way that coffee shops work is sorting hats.
Coffee shop number two.

Speaker 1 Those folks are going to tell you something super fun, like, oh, well, there's a tractor pull over at such and such. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Or there's a huge

Speaker 1 pizza fundraiser thing going on for the local fire department.

Speaker 1 If you go to coffee shop number three, it'll be like, oh, well, there's an art fair at the school, something going on at the library.

Speaker 1 You go to number four, it's like, oh, well, there's a mushroom foraging such and such happening. Or there's an author coming to the bookstore.
And so again, you're pulled in for the aesthetic.

Speaker 1 You're pulled in for the type of food. You're pulled in for the vibe.
Those kind of folks tend to have certain kind of events that they go to.

Speaker 1 And so you're also then going to get recommendations that also feel like it's something you actually might want to do. Right.

Speaker 1 Well, and what I'm also getting from this is that you, it's, it's a better spot to make conversation at number four.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 it's not transient where people are going in and out. It's, it's not institutionalized.
It's not focused around maybe kids or work or something like that.

Speaker 1 It's a great place to strike up a conversation. So go where it's a little bit easier.
Yes. And here's one more recommendation that has really helped me.

Speaker 1 And again, I think I've demonstrated over and over that I

Speaker 1 can put myself out there. I don't give a shit.
Like it's an emergency to solve a loneliness problem. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so I have no problem going up to people and saying, I'm new to the area and I desperately need friends. Like, if you guys need friends, friends, let me know.

Speaker 1 Like, I, like, I, I did, how do you people meet people here? And most people laugh and say, I feel the same way. Yep.

Speaker 1 And even if you have been in an area for a long time, there are two things I want you to do. It is okay to live in an area for 20, 30 years and feel lonely.
And it's normal.

Speaker 1 And I think most of us do because of the last three years and quarantine and remote work.

Speaker 1 It's okay to do all of this in your own town where you've always lived and to say to people, I've become a hermit. I'm trying to like make some new friends.

Speaker 1 Like if you feel that way, you guys want to start a walking group or something? You want to just meet here on Saturdays so we have a touch point. Right.

Speaker 1 And then if people say yes, I get their cell phone right then.

Speaker 1 I text them right then. And here is a power move.
You say, The second I walk out of here, I'm going to forget what you look like. So why don't we take selfie? So we remember

Speaker 1 this moment. Yeah.
And so that when i text you you're not like who is this freak from the coffee shop what are you talking about yeah

Speaker 1 and so that

Speaker 1 is a

Speaker 1 major thing and i say that because for the first six months i started using this coffee shop strategy i

Speaker 1 didn't do that

Speaker 1 the selfie thing you did yes and then weeks would go by and somebody would text and be like hey you want to meet at the bakery and i'm thinking who the fuck is this

Speaker 1 like and then i've got adhd so i would have deleted the text chain i'm like

Speaker 1 and now you're embarrassed because you're like

Speaker 1 who is this all right what's your name yeah yeah and then you walk in and you're thinking okay what's what person am yeah that's not a good start to the friendship so you smoothed it out a little bit with this selfie thing i think that's a that really is a power move yes yeah yeah really good and that and that also shows you're super determined right we're getting together I'm going to see you again.

Speaker 1 I'm going to see you again. Yeah, I like that.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And I have one final tip. I can't wait to hear it.
My desire is that your life as an adult feels like summer camp or college, is that you're constantly rolling out of bed.

Speaker 1 And it's like, hey, let's go grab a meal. Hey, let's go to college.
Hey, you want to go on a hike? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's like constant kind of just bumping into people and energy around it and fun, spontaneous fun. So one thing

Speaker 1 that I've started taking on more and more, and I stole this from friends of mine that I think are hilarious, is that I try to lighten up every single group chat that I'm in with memes, with funny ass photos,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 it works wonders. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like when somebody texts you like, you want to get together, I will literally take the ugliest selfie and be like, absolutely, but not right now, because I haven't even gotten dressed for the morning yet.

Speaker 1 Like that kind of thing.

Speaker 1 Or you want to meet for coffee? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm so excited to see you. I'm coming in my pajamas and I'm not kidding.
I'm going to take a photo. You know, like

Speaker 1 that sort of, I'm in camp again.

Speaker 1 I'm having fun again. You are.

Speaker 1 And it's working. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's working. I've gone from wanting to just have dirt around my house to putting plants in the ground.

Speaker 1 I've gone from feeling like my only friends are people I work with to feeling like, well, actually.

Speaker 1 I feel like I, it's not even that my work friends have become my friends. It's that I just get to hang out with my friends all day long and we call part of that time work.
Right. Right?

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? Yes, totally. Oh my God.
This morning was it.

Speaker 1 What happened? What do you mean? Oh my God. Well, first of all, I've already told you.
I woke up. I did my, like, you know, my ABCs.
I got up out of the bed. I drank my water.
I made my bed.

Speaker 1 I was about to go out for a walk. I pick up my phone.

Speaker 1 And there is this literally long text chain of Amy and David going freaking off.

Speaker 1 like with each other at 5.30 in the freaking morning. It is Friday.
On a Friday. It's Friday, people.
You got to double down. It started at 5.06 a.m.
with a video from David. REM cycle in.
Geez.

Speaker 1 Of the mist in the valley.

Speaker 1 Home, sweet home. Amy says, I just can't.
I was just thinking about you.

Speaker 1 He's like, I'm good. I'm ready.
Amy's like, super. What are the weekend plans? David's like, get my health and wellness underway.
Start figuring my business out. Relax.

Speaker 1 Blobbity, blobbity, blah. What time is the card pull? Yeah.
Amy pulls cards, as you know. Amy's jumping right in.
Super, pulling the card. It's 6.45.
Guys, I'm sleeping as all of this is going on.

Speaker 1 6.20, I wake up and I see the last thing, which is Mel, get in here if you're up.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I love these people.

Speaker 1 So we text back in the morning and then all of a sudden. We got to your cabin and start.
Yeah, well, David did. He came over to my house.
Oh, and we did a walk

Speaker 1 in the morning. It really is like a cabin.
I said, I feel like I'm in college or a camp. I just fucking love you guys.

Speaker 1 And then David's like,

Speaker 1 Mel, this is this is way better than camp. It's fucking amazing because we can have wine here.
And then

Speaker 1 what are we talking now? That sounds like seven.

Speaker 1 Seven. Okay.
And then

Speaker 1 I walk into my coffee shop and guess who's there? David.

Speaker 1 And then guess who pulls in? You, Jesse. And then guess who pulls in? Maxine, our other friend.
No way. She was having a meeting there.
Oh, of course.

Speaker 1 Because, of course, where do you go to have a meeting? Just don't go to number one. Yes.

Speaker 1 Because you're not going to establish the bond there. Right.
Yeah. How freaking cool is this? So cool.
And this is available to you. What did you two get out of this conversation?

Speaker 1 It just, it's so, I want to say easy. It's easier than we think, than we give it credit for.

Speaker 1 I never did this even in the city when I had access to 10 coffee shops, you know? Yeah. Never, never tried because you just stayed in your bubble.

Speaker 1 It's just so cool to go to a place and be like, oh, yeah, there's my friend. And then I'm going to bring another friend here.
Like, I'm trying to meet someone this weekend for coffee.

Speaker 1 Nine o'clock Saturday morning. Done.
Nice. Okay.

Speaker 1 I will. I'll do that right now.
Right before I go to Jane's game. Oh, forever.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.
And so, you know, to those of you that live in a bigger city, here's the thing, though. Your neighborhood has all these places.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 your favorite place to go exercise has all these places around it.

Speaker 1 And your kid's school or your office has these four places around it. And so get intentional because

Speaker 1 getting

Speaker 1 serious about adult friendship, stop lying to yourself. You do have friends.
Your friendships are still there. It's on you to reach out.
Number two, use the coffee shop model.

Speaker 1 Use the coffee shop model and and get intentional about this. And you be the first and you be the one pushing it and you bring the fun.
What I love about this is it's something you do anyway. Yep.

Speaker 1 You're having your cup of coffee anyway. Are you going to do it alone or are you going to do it with other people? Like you said, Mel, like you're going to exercise anyway.

Speaker 1 Are you going to do it alone or are you going to do it with other people? You're cooking dinner anyway.

Speaker 1 Why not invite a friend, have both your families come on over, you know, enjoy the time together and

Speaker 1 make it a friendship moment. And I loved what you said that friendship is a verb.

Speaker 1 You know, that was a really, really good point as well.

Speaker 1 It takes a lot of, not a lot, but it takes effort and action. And yeah, we're not in first grade anymore.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 Don't just show up in class.

Speaker 1 No, you know what?

Speaker 1 The best years of your life and the best friendships are ahead of you. So get your ass.
Number one, number two, number three, or number four. Yeah.
All righty. I love you.
I love you. I love you.

Speaker 1 I love you. I want you to have this much fun in your life.
You deserve to have this much fun and you can create it. Give it a year.
Keep chipping away at it and you will find your people.

Speaker 1 Because I just did and whoa, God, is it amazing?

Speaker 1 All right. I'll talk to you in a few days.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, we got to get a knife.

Speaker 1 Holy cow. I have a pastry.
I have a fork in my backpack. Do you think a fork will cut through that? You carry a fork? I do.
Okay. Like a metal fork?

Speaker 1 It's a fork from your house that I meant to return yesterday that I didn't return. Oh, now you're stealing shit from my house.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 I feel like my dog must feel when he's staring at the dog food that I'm mixing up. I literally feel my mouth salivating as you're doing that.
I realize I haven't blinked

Speaker 1 just staring at it.

Speaker 1 Excuse me. I'm so excited that I'm like choking myself here with my own air.

Speaker 1 And that's probably a vacuum that somebody can hear. That's what's hitting me.
I don't know if you can hear the vacuum in the background, but things are getting cleaned here. Cleaning it up.

Speaker 1 Good job, Oakley.

Speaker 1 Should I wait for the construction vehicle to go by are we hearing the beeping you actually maybe the beeping everybody is trying to get you to go deep deep deep this is really important attention attention attention

Speaker 1 oh and one more thing and no this is not a blooper this is the legal language you know what the lawyers write and what i need to read to you This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 1 I'm just your friend.

Speaker 1 I am not a licensed therapist, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good.

Speaker 1 I'll see you in the next episode.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

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