5 Things the Men in Your Life Aren’t Telling You but Need to Talk About

Hey, everybody, it's Rob Lowe here. If you haven't heard, I have a podcast that's called Literally with Rob Lowe.
And basically, it's conversations I've had that really make you feel like you're pulling up a chair at an intimate dinner between myself and people that I admire, like Aaron Sorkin or Tiffany Haddish, Demi Moore, Chris Pratt, Michael J. Fox.
There are new episodes out every Thursday. So subscribe, please, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void? Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers. You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills.
Wait, did I say job title yet? Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads. We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign.
Get started at LinkedIn.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply.
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. Today, I've got a special treat for you and me.
Ladies and gentlemen, Christopher Robbins has agreed to come on the show today. Thanks for having me, Mel.
Well, I gave you no choice. We'll be honest with that.
I sort of twisted your arm into this because there's a very important thing that once you shared it with me, I wanted you to share it with everybody. And I should just point out, everybody, that like a lot of our podcast episodes, we're just putting our arms around you and taking you on a walk with Chris and I today.
And what's happening on our walk is there's a construction project outside. So if you hear some beep, beep, beeps or some backing up, you're just here with us in Vermont on a walk.
Right, Chris? Just another day on the beep, beeps. Yep, that's right.
So I was talking to Chris this morning and I think a lot of you know the story about the restaurant businesses tanking and our life savings going down the drain with it. And after Chris left that business, you took a couple years to really figure out what you were going to do next with your life and to heal a lot of went down for you personally in the wake of that experience of launching a business, pouring your heart and soul into it, and then it not working.
And one of the things that you've done is you've started a men's retreat called Soul Degree. It's a five-day experience where you take men out into the woods and includes yoga and journaling and guided meditation and all kinds of coaching.
And so you've got one of your men's retreats coming up and you never, ever talk about what happens at them. You come back and you're completely transformed.
And I really respect the fact that you don't share anything because it's all confidential.

But I asked you this morning, if you would just tell me, like, what are the themes that come up when you go and do a retreat with five men or you're coaching your male clients. And you said there are five very distinct themes that all the men that you work with are struggling with.
And when you told them to me, I was shocked. And I said, everybody needs to hear this.
So that's what I want to talk about. Okay.
Yes. So can we go through them? What are the five things that all the men that you know, and the men that have been on your retreats and the men that you coach, what are they struggling with, but not telling the people in their life that they're struggling with? we were talking about this morning is just that guys don't put themselves first.
Everyone

else comes first. Men have lost touch with their own

wants and needs. They struggle to even generate one.
Men are lonely or friendless or lacking the

ability to, or the confidence to generate friendship. There's an obligation to make

money for everyone or be the provider, be the protector, whatever that entails.

Thank you. there's an obligation to make money for everyone or be the provider, be the protector, whatever that entails.
And men often do not feel good enough. And men are seeking a deeper, more meaningful life.
Well, that's a lot that's on every guy's mind. How about we dig deeper into these five things and take them one at a time? So the first one, Chris.
Everyone else comes first and that manifests or shows up often, at least with many of the men that I've engaged with, is them losing complete sight of what they need or want for themselves, just because the muscle of looking out for themselves is completely lost. And it's all about everyone else.
When you first shared that in the kitchen this morning, I looked at you with like my eyes crossed because I had never in a million years thought that a dude feels like everybody else

comes first because every woman that I know says that everybody in her life comes first. And so it never even occurred to me that the guys walking around feel as though everybody else in the family or with their roommates or with their significant other, that they come before them.
I think they're putting what they perceive to be the needs of the people around them first, which means they're pouring themselves into work or, you know, other obligations, if you will. And, you know, I have guys that have come on retreat and they haven't really even conceived of a hobby, much less what's important to them.
You also explain that you have this exercise that you do with your coaching clients and that you guys do on retreat that really illustrates what you're talking about. Can you explain that? I've asked guys to take out a piece of paper and write down specifically what they want and need.
And many just draw blank, can't fill the page. Nothing? No, they actually have to step away from the exercise and even give it a day or two before they really feel like, hmm, haven't really thought about that before.
That's a layer deeper than I think what most women struggle with. Because I think at least the women that I talk to and my friends and listeners to the show that write in, you have a sense of what you need to do to put yourself first.
You have a sense of what you want in terms of your own needs. and there's a longing for it.
But to have an experience of life where you have so put everybody else before you that you don't even know or feel like your needs matter enough that you can't even put them on a piece of paper. Wow.
That's a lot. Yeah, it is.
It is to to swallow and you know with all due respect i think that if you look at something as basic as exercise for example and you see a guy spending a good bit of time exercising that's not to say that he doesn't perceive that as being a need or a want of his, but there oftentimes is still a layer of obligation. I got to look good for my wife or my husband.
There's a gotta, have to. And so I'm not sure that can always fall in the appropriate category of genuinely what do I need to feel good about myself and my life.
What's the second one? I think people are, I'm not sure if I'd say explicitly they're lonely, but they're, they're many are friendless or have lost their way in developing friendships. The muscle has weakened as they have poured themselves into things like work and family and God forbid they're running into health problems.
I mean, all of these things sort of take precedent to cultivating real deep friendships. And so, particularly when you hit your forties, fifties, I think you really have to work extra hard at cultivating and building friendship.
Maybe there are people in your life that have been around since middle school or high school or college. But outside of that, especially if you're somebody that's moving or changing jobs for that matter, it can be really disruptive and be a major roadblock.
And then subsequently just an excuse. And then all of a sudden the guy wakes up and is like, yeah, I don't really have a whole lot of friends around me.
Wow. What about the third thing that men struggle with, but they don't really talk about or, you know, I mean, I think it's a cultural thing, of course, that men naturally still follow that societal norm of needing to be the provider and the protector or, you know, one in the same.
And that-

You mean like make money? It's all about making money. How so? Whether they are generating the pressure upon themselves or it's coming from external forces.
And I think it's probably a little bit of a mix of both, but the sense of responsibility that the more money I make, the more security and freedom and happiness I can create amongst the people around me. And so therefore, let me go back to making money.
And is there also this pressure among guys that you're measured up based on how much money you make? Like you're, you know what I'm saying? I don't know how much of guys are being, you know, influenced by looking around or over their shoulder or whether it's all self created, you know, that your own, it's your own expectation level. And that was the other thing that we talked about this morning was just, um, I'm not good enough.
I'm not living up. I'm not, I'm not reaching the goal, whatever that goal is.
Well, and I can see that if you feel this sense of obligation that everybody else comes first so much so that you're not even in touch with your own needs, and then you also have lost touch with your friends. And

now you're like, my God, where did my friends go? And then you start to feel this obligation to just make money. All those things become measuring sticks where you're like, I'm just not measuring up in any of these areas.
And what's interesting is that the fifth one that you said is how they ultimately end up with you as a coach or attending a retreat or being part of your online community coaching programs that you do. And I think this is an important one for everybody to hear.
This is a struggle and an interest that a lot of guys aren't talking about. And what is it? That men are seeking a deeper, more meaningful life, whatever that might mean for them.
And even announcing that publicly, I think is a little tricky at times, not because guys are not willing to admit that once they arrive at it, but I think it takes some time to arrive at that. Like, oh yeah, there's something deeper that I want to go after that I haven't yet in my life.
And like I said, that means something different to every guy out there. Well, and what's also interesting is that I think when you realize you want something deeper, it probably sets up a major conflict because that would mean everybody else might not come first.
And it also means your focus shifts from merely providing and climbing the ladder and making money to something intrinsic and deeper that might not involve money at all. Well, you're right.
It definitely is a pendulum swing to focusing on self, which is like we talked about a weak muscle, but it can also imply that something is broken and needs fixing. They need to figure out that it's not about it's broken or, you know, something has to change.
It's about my heart talking. My soul is talking here.
What's normally talking for a guy? How to solve the problem, how to make the buck, how to lose the pound, how to get the buck, how to lose the pound, like how to get the girl, how to, you know, what do my kids need? Um, is the car need fixing? Like the list is long. Yeah.
So is the heaviness. Oh my God.
I feel bad. You know, I have known you, honey, for 28 years.
And I would say that you struggled with all of these things for a very long time. the only time that I didn't see you struggle is when you were launching the restaurant business

with your best friend Jonathan and when it was first happening and you were so alive and fulfilled and then of course as is the case with most restaurants it was great while it was great and then it was horrible when it was horrible and when you came out of restaurant business, the story that most of our listeners know, you were a shell of the person that you are now. And you really went to work on yourself and you were looking for a way to get together with other men and develop friendship and deeper meaning and you couldn't find it.
So that's why you created Soul Degree. And I think it would be helpful for everybody to hear the fact that you were struggling, and how you were struggling with these five things.
And I remember a particular moment in time, it was just three years ago, where, you remember what I'm talking about? I think so. Where I had asked you if you would be a part of

a focus group for the book I was researching, The High Five Habit. And I asked you if you would

please for five days in a row, just add the habit of high fiving yourself in the mirror

to your morning routine. And do you remember what you said? That it was a stupid idea?

I believe it was. That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.
I'm not doing it. And when we come back, because I think this is a great time to take a quick pause.
I want to pick up this story because at the time, I didn't realize how lonely you were. I didn't realize how much you were still struggling.
I didn't realize the sense of obligation and how you were not taking care of your own needs and how lonely you were both in our marriage and in your life. And I want to go to that moment of what happened next.
And we'll tell that story when we return. Stay with us.
Hey, everybody, it's Rob Lowe here. If you haven't heard, I have a podcast that's called Literally with Rob Lowe.
And basically, it's conversations I've had that really make you feel like you're pulling up a chair at an intimate dinner between myself and people that I admire, like Aaron Sorkin or Tiffany Haddish, Demi Moore, Chris Pratt, Michael J. Fox.
There are new episodes out every Thursday. So subscribe, please, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Brace the rudders. Raise the sails.
Raise the sails. Captain, an unidentified ship is approaching.
Over. Roger.
Wait, is that an enterprise sails solution? Reach sales professionals, not professional sailors.

With LinkedIn ads, you can target the right people by industry, job title, and more. We'll

even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started today at linkedin.com slash results.

Terms and conditions apply. the impossible and embrace it.
There's a vehicle for people like that. It's called the Defender.
The Defender is an icon reimagined through thoroughly modern design. It's got a tough, rigid body design and durable, lightweight monocoque architecture for extra strength.
With precise detailing and compelling proportions, the exterior of the Defender is designed with integrity. This is a vehicle capable of great things, engineered to meet

challenges head-on with an exterior that's been tested to the extreme. Experience the Defender's

legendary capability off-road and on. And there's a family of vehicles for Defender.
Meet the

Defender 90, Defender 110, and the eight-seat Defender 130. So are you ready to embrace the

impossible? Explore the Defender at LandRoverUSA.com. Welcome back.
I'm here with my husband, Christopher Robbins, who's also the founder of the Men's Retreat Soul Degree. And we're talking about the five silent struggles that men have, and how knowing about them will help you support the men or anybody in your life who identifies male.
I just asked Chris if he could go deeper into how these five silent struggles impacted him. And so we're going to go back three years to a moment in time where I was researching the high five habit, which is just adding a high five in the mirror to yourself as part of your morning routine.
I was in the middle of researching it. We had all these focus groups and I had asked Chris if he would please participate in the focus group and high five himself in the mirror every morning as part of his morning routine.
And he said, NFW. You did have a very deliberate, I'm not doing that.
Yeah, I immediately thought it was the dumbest idea ever. Let's go to the mirror.
Let's high five ourselves. And this is going to solve all problems.
Well, I don't, I'm not saying it's going to solve all problems, but I know based on the research and I know based on the testimonials of 175,000 people that are so profound that when you take on this habit, it has a shocking impact on your brain and how you see yourself and the person in the mirror. And that kicks open a door to an entirely new possibility.
And we're laughing, but when I kept pushing you, because I'm like, dude, you're my husband. I need you to try this.
I want you to do this for five days. You shared with me something that I didn't know.
And the real reason why you thought this was stupid when you dug a little deeper, it was really sad. And honestly, it was scary to hear as your spouse.
So would you share with everybody sort of the deeper insight as to why you had that reaction? I think at the time I related to the idea of a high five to myself as being encouragement, the idea that you would high five yourself to, uh, inspire forward action. And yet I find that

the power of that high five in the mirror is less your hand meeting the mirror and more your eyes

meeting your eyes. And that's where the struggle was.
Because when I took that challenge on, I remember really, um, the high five was easy. The looking at myself in the mirror.
That was not easy. Why? Can I hold your hand? I think it was not easy because there was so much reflection on the past.

You know, I was looking back.

I was not, um, I was not seeing somebody that deserved a high five.

I saw failure.

I saw upset.

I saw, uh, just not living up to the expectation that I think I had set for myself.

And I'm sure that society's expectations were also influencing that. But just where I was at the time, I didn't feel like I deserved that high five.
So I think that that was probably the underlying reason why my reaction to the idea of doing it was, this is stupid. when the truth is that I was not happy with myself and didn't think a high five was deserved.
it's really hard to hear how long you felt that way about yourself because i stood next to you for years the sink right next to you and when i looked at you like i saw the world's best dad amazing husband. I saw somebody who was absolutely integral to helping me build my business.
I felt grateful for you. I didn't know you thought any of those things.
You just kind of put on a smile and carried on. You were so sort of stoic about it.

So can you explain,

because I think that there's a lot of people,

especially men,

that really beat the hell out of themselves

when their career doesn't go

how they thought it was going to go

or they get laid off

or you become an entrepreneur

and entrepreneurship looks freaking glamorous. It's a bitch, especially in the restaurant business.
And you had been an entrepreneur. So can you just share just a little bit of context for people so they understand how long you would look in the mirror and see somebody that failed and why you felt that way?

Oh, it had to have been 15 years anyway. 15 years? Oh, yeah.
No, I don't think it was the unraveling of the restaurant business that was the beginning of that. I think that it.
I'm not sure exactly when, but I, as you and I know, like the looking back on my very colorful career, I am grateful today for all of the things that I did, but having moved through so many different roles and responsibilities and industries and companies and job changes. And I just never,

ever related to myself. Like I was succeeding in a professional sense.
And I've of course concluded that therein lies the source of my failure because my job here is to be the provider, the proverbial provider and to go, quote, make it happen. So the discomfort with myself and my progress professionally was absolutely what I think dragged me down.
I would say that at the time you and I were in the throes of it. I mean, we were talk about just getting up and putting on your boots and just diving into the fire every day.
There wasn't, at least it didn't seem like there was a moment to actually stop and acknowledge the good. And quite frankly, you weren't acknowledging me like that.
You might

have seen me as a good husband or father or, you know, business partner, but those words weren't

being shared between us. And so naturally I didn't get that reinforcement verbally from you,

but I also think that the being in the thick of it and running as fast and as hard as we were didn't, uh, you know, the idea of stopping and looking in the mirror and seeing myself truly for who I am and the good that I have done and acknowledging all the failures as being a source of powerful learning and all that stuff.

Fuck that.

Like I wasn't, I wasn't.

And that's why I say, I think the hardest part was

to, to stand in front of that mirror

and see your whole self. And for guys, I think for guys that is for many borderline feels impossible because that's what we do.

We just get up, put the boots on and go, okay, you know, Mel needs something.

The wife needs something. The kids need something.

The employer needs something.

Okay. Okay.
Let me jam in a quick workout.

You know, maybe because maybe I'm thoughtful about what my mind, body or spirit needs,

but also something that I think is

an afterthought for guys. And we put everybody but ourselves first.
So the act of standing in front of a mirror and high-fiving yourself and looking yourself in the eyes and saying, I love view. Outlandish concept, but hugely, hugely important.
And it doesn't happen unless you're sort of willing to really stop and slow down and, and consider that you, you matter more than your wife, your kids, your employer, the rest of it. And I think that's part of what has, I think maybe over the years, dragged me down was paying zero attention to me and paying all the attention or so I felt on everybody outside of me.
And providing and trying to prove that you were successful and trying to earn money and live up to also your dad's expectations. Yeah.
Well, that's, I mean, if you really want to go back to the root of it all, we could be here all day, but yeah, even just the basics of putting on a suit and tie and packing a briefcase and catching a train and working in a sky, you know, a high rise in Manhattan. All of those things were just visual cues of what I thought I should be doing.
None of which of course played out other than the occasional suit until, until ties and the rest of it flew out the window.

But just, I wasn't, I wasn't being like my dad, which is what I thought I was supposed to be doing. So you get really emotional when you talk about looking at yourself in the mirror.
And I want to hear you talk more about that because the challenge of simply standing in the mirror and looking in the eyes, I agree with you. That's the hardest part of adding this habit to your morning routine.
Just put the toothbrush down and be with the person in the mirror. Look them in the eyes and don't see a reflection, see a human being who needs you.
That half of men and women can't or won't look at themselves. And it's a good point because you can, it sounds weird, but you can look right through yourself in the mirror.
Yes. Versus actually seeing yourself.
Yes. And if you aren't looking through yourself, a lot of us look at all the things we don't like.
And so even gazing at ourselves is an act of self-criticism because we're like, I hate my this, I hate my that, my neck is know, neck is saggy. And, you know, you have since done tremendous amount of therapy.

You are in the middle of getting your master's in spiritual transpersonal psychology.

And you've been leading retreats with men called Soul Degree for four years, Chris.

And there's a lot of emotion that comes up for you. Six years, sorry.
Six years. Terrible wife.
Can I get a high five? Cheer me on even though. Thank you.
Don't let go of my hand. I don't want to hold your hand.
You have been in the presence of so many men. And you've even had Oakley reach out to you and had you counsel some of his friends through anxiety and through issues.
And I know there's a lot of emotion there. So, you know, can you like just speak to the men and the boys that may be listening or to the people in their lives that love them about what you've witnessed, about the importance of being able to look yourself in the mirror and learn how to take actions to truly support and love yourself.
And that this is a very foreign concept for boys and men. I often talk about soul degree as being a space that I hold for men that allows them to slow down when the truth of the matter is it's in the slowdown that all of those beautiful things can take place.

And I think that the reason why there's a lot of emotion there for me, particularly with guys, why there is a lot of emotion is because in my experience in sitting with men, very rarely do men feel truly seen and heard. On an emotional level.
Yes. And even in just everyday real life.
I'm so happy you're here. We have to take a short break to hear a word from our sponsors.

But when we come back, I want to go back to the mirror and hear more about that experience when you first started looking yourself in the eye and trying this high five habit.

Hey, everybody.

It's Rob Lowe here.

If you haven't heard, I have a podcast that's called Literally with Rob Lowe.

And basically, it's conversations I've had that really make you feel like you're pulling up a chair at an intimate dinner between myself and people that I admire, like Aaron Sorkin or Tiffany Haddish, Demi Moore, Chris Pratt, Michael J. Fox.
There are new episodes out every Thursday. So subscribe, please, and listen wherever you get your podcasts.
Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void well with linkedin

ads you can know you're reaching the right decision makers you can even target buyers by

job title industry company seniority skills wait did i say job title yet get started today and see

how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with linkedin ads we'll even give you a

100 credit on your next campaign get started at linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply.
Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families. With Greenlight, you can set up chores, automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids' spending with real-time notifications.
Kids learn to earn, save, and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place.
Sign up for Greenlight today at greenlight.com slash podcast. Welcome back.
So Chris, let's go back to the mirror and what you experienced when for five days in a row, you made it a habit to stop at a time in your life where you were still beating the shit out of yourself and look yourself in the eyes. And so what did you experience for yourself personally in terms of the science working, the shift in how you

started to see the person in the mirror? Well, transformation doesn't happen without repetition. I know you call it the high five habit, but it's one of those things that doesn't, it almost feels elusive in terms of becoming habitual.

And that's because next week or next year, some shit might go down and you might do something or something happens where you really feel immediately lousy about yourself. And so even though there may be some habit of you getting up saying, I love you or high-fiving yourself, your life circumstance is going to get in the way.
Right. Frequently.
Correct. Just like with exercise or drinking your water or getting a good night's sleep.
But when you come back to that moment, I'll tell you something. I look at myself differently and I know you do too.
And so the importance of this, because it is something that most of us don't do. I think we casually slip into the subconscious where we're beating ourselves up and we're on autopilot.
And every time you pass a mirror, you have a chance to look yourself in the eyes and see a person that is worthy of celebrating, of cheering for, of believing in simply because you're here. That to me is the power of this.
What is the power of it for you? The looking in the mirror and the acknowledging of myself, it's rarely like, okay, you got this, you know, all right, your next meeting or your next whatever. I think one last thing I want to say to the men out there, any man who feels a sense of failure or that they haven't lived up to their own expectations or those outside of them, any man who's been battling with or has battled

with addiction or depression or any of these things that drag us down, I strongly encourage you to start with you and to begin with forgiveness. Not always so easy, but without a doubt, I know from my experience, not just me personally, but being in the company of lots of men, that we are all working our ass off to do the right thing.
And while we don't always believe that the results live up, it's in the forgiveness and the starting with yourself and the self-acknowledgement. And I want to go back to what you said in the very beginning, because I know that we're going to get a ton of questions, Chris.
How? How do I begin that? One step that you could take today is trying this habit of even just looking yourself in the mirror. but I I'm shocked that I'm even saying this

given my initial reaction to the high five habit. But I agree.
Start right there. Start in the mirror.
You will never forgive yourself if you refuse to look yourself in the eyes with compassion and with forgiveness and with understanding.

And one of the reasons why I'm going to keep hammering this, everybody, raise your hand and high five the mirror. Because if you're at a place where you are beating the shit out of yourself and you can't stand yourself for whatever reason, whatever you did, we've all done something.
You don't have to change your

thoughts. The neurobics and the science of simply making the physical gesture of the high five and all of the lifetime of positive programming associated with it, it has a chemical, a neurological, a psychological benefit immediately that is grounded in science.
And so the physical act does the work for you and it starts to plow new neural pathways and it releases dopamine, all of which will help you do the other work that you need to do to walk down the road of forgiving yourself. You got to start by simply looking at yourself in the eyes and seeing somebody who is worthy of forgiving because you are.
Yeah, I can't stress that enough. The mirror is where it happens.
It's one of the reasons why I always sign off the show by telling the person listening that I love you. I love that about how you sign off.
And I know you mean it. I do mean it because I just know how many people can't look at themselves in the mirror.
And it breaks my heart. And it feels good to have somebody tell you that they love you and that you're proud of them.
And to some extent, unless you're willing to do the work on yourself, to let love in from yourself, to demonstrate encouragement, support, and love by looking at your eyes in the mirror or high-fiving yourself in the mirror. If you can't do that for yourself, you will never let the love in that is all around you from other people because you don't believe you're worthy of it and you're proving it based on your actions.
What are you thinking about? Because I can see you getting moved. Well, I'm, I'm always moved by the way that you sign off and tell people I love you.
And it, it ties back to what I was saying earlier is just my own experience in being in the company of men who don't, you know, they don't feel that while you're standing in front of that mirror and you're looking at yourself, you may feel alone, but you are not alone. In either the struggle you have with forgiving yourself or the judgments or the failures or whatever that may be, you are not alone.
At a really wild level, there's actually a human being in the mirror who needs you. It's the one person you spend your whole life with.
And the moment that you can look them in the eyes and see a human being worth cheering for, you'll realize you aren't alone because you've got yourself.

I want to thank you, Chris, for speaking directly to men.

But everything that you're saying, everything that I'm saying is universal.

And I do think it's important, though, for men and boys and people who identify as male that you hear a male voice saying these things. It is critical that other men realize that your emotional health, your sense of self esteem, self awareness, self love.
And going back to the very beginning of what I said at the beginning of this episode today is that I think we get self-love wrong, Chris, because we think love is a feeling. Yeah.
But the truth is you only feel loved because of other people's actions. And when it comes to learning to love yourself, you have to start with the actions, actions that demonstrate love.
And when you are able to stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes, that's an act of love. When you're able to bring compassion and understanding to the person in the mirror, and you see somebody that's trying, and you see somebody that has regrets, and you see somebody who still has an incredible life to live and is worthy of love.
That's an act of love. When you raise your hand and high five yourself, that's an act of love.
And all the research also shows that the most important habit that has the biggest impact on our lives is being kind to yourself. I want you to do this for real.
So you know how I mentioned that I had 175,000 people from 91 countries try this for five days. Well, if you want to try this for five days and get support, go to highfivechallenge.com and you can do this challenge with people around the world.
And high five is spelled H-I-G-H, the number five challenge.com.

And for five days, I will support you, cheer you on. And so Chris, I just want to thank you.
And I love that you shared all that you just shared with us. And I have one more story and I would love for you to stay with me, hon, because I think you're going to love this story too.
It's from a woman named Chris,

and her story says it all

about how you are one decision away from a different life

because you are one decision away

from changing the way you treat yourself.

And when you change the way that you treat yourself,

a whole new life opens up for you,

just like it did for Chris and just like it did for me.

Hey Mel, I'm not sure where to start with this email, but I'm going to start with saying thank you.

You've helped me gain my identity and life back.

Buckle up, it's a long email.

My name is Chris. I'm 35 and from the United States.

Back in 2019, my life was falling apart at the seams, but quietly.

I was doing the best I could to manage with the tiny amount of tools I had, but starting in 2020 through the beginning of 2021 were the worst times of my life to date.

All that I had worked for in my life and sacrificed to build,

the life that I always had dreamt and wanted, was ripped from me. And there was nothing, no, literally nothing I could do to stop it.
And then I went AWOL. I went from being a confident, fit, happy, joyful, positive, and full of faith wife, friend, sister, and daughter to something unspeakable.
I adopted unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb my emotions. I got lost in TikTok, wasting hours of my life.
I was bitter, angry, brokenhearted, and crushed at spirit. I started getting stuck in what I now know is rumination, and the pounds stacked on one after another along with the shame guilt and disgust at some point I didn't know what weighed more the shame and guilt or the literal 35 pounds that I've put on the spaces I once felt safe and fulfilled in were no longer safe because my mind my anxiety mind mind, she came with me everywhere.
Her name's Patrice. I named her.
And she wanted to make sure I knew how horrible I was in every moment of the day. How could you make mistakes? You deserve this hurt.
You're a disgusting person. You really don't have friends.
No one really likes you. They just use you and leave.
And on and on this went. I couldn't even look in the mirror.
At some point, the panic attack started. I'm talking full-blown intense attacks where I shake, rock back and forth, and smack myself.
I would keep these attacks away from my family. And Mel, at this point, my brain told me, no one loves you.
No one. So you might as well not be here anymore.
And it was so loud all the time. There was no reprieve until at night when I would open a bottle of wine and have some at dinner.
And even in my sleep, I would wake in panic attacks. On my way to work one day, I thought, while trying to suppress an attack, I could feel coming on.
I can't keep living like this. I hate the person I see back in the mirror.
And all I see is the damaged person and the damage that's been done to me over this last year. I started to pull out my phone to see if I could find something to help.
And what did I find? A podcast. But it wasn't yours, but one you were being interviewed on.
And it changed my life. I was in the middle of cleaning a glass slider door.
And you said, go look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five. I stopped everything.

I walked into the house and looked into a huge round mirror on my client's wall and just started to stare at myself while I listened to you speak. I raised my hand, high five myself, and the tears came rolling down.
And in that moment, a new life began. The spark was small, but profound.

I have re-listened to the high five habit at least four times.

My healing journey started in December of 2021.

I got myself into therapy.

I've been doing tons of research on anxiety, depression, trauma, ADHD, and PTSD.

So I can understand what is happening in my brain.

But Mel, I wouldn't be here today writing this email had I not stumbled upon you and all the good you put into this world. Although now, I think after listening to your episode on synchronicities, it wasn't by chance.
On that day that I first met you, I was done. And I had no more fight in me and I was ready to call it quits.
But today I can say I'm a different person and I'm me again.

And I owe a lot of that to my big sis, Mel Robbins.

And if anyone hasn't told you today, Mel, I love you and what to say other than um it's beautiful says a lot about the impact you're making you know I um I just know how long I struggled. And so if you can learn how to get out of bed, five, four, three, two, one, and get your feet on the floor and stand up and get going, you can keep going.
And if you can stand in front of the mirror, no matter what's happened or what you're feeling or what's going on, good or bad, and you can look yourself in the eyes and you can see a person who is worthy of love, who is doing their best, who needs your support, who's tired of feeling beaten down,

and you can raise your hand and you can give that person a simple high five to demonstrate that you see them, that you love them, that you're there with them.

I personally think that's a secret to everything.

I love you.

Oh, I love you too. That's what I want to say.
So let's go back to the mirror. Can you describe the person you see today? I see a man I love.
I see a man I'm proud of. I see a great father.
and I see a great partner to you.

Mm-hmm.

And I see a man who has accomplished a lot in a short period of time. I see a man who's

doing his best and deserves a look in the eye and a high five. And for that, I'm grateful.
Given that men silently struggle with these five things, what is one thing that anybody listening should start doing in their relationship with the men in their life? Encouraging men to give thought to and pursue in earnest things that they genuinely feel they need or want. be curious with your man about the things that he is longing for curious about wanting to do more of and encourage that whether it's golf or like going on a solo hyping thing or pursuing rap music? Like what? All of it.

Yeah.

Any of it.

I mean, I would say with something like golf, if there's something about competition or friendship or the social nature of it that the guy really feels he genuinely needs for his own joy and happiness and well-being, then yeah, encourage that. And for many guys who haven't been able to put their finger on that, try to strike those conversations where maybe those things can get exposed such that they are suddenly seeing something new and different that, oh yeah, that thing, then encourage it.
You know, I just got something out of this. Because I didn't know that you felt deeply like everybody else comes first.
And because I had this opinion that I'm last on the list, right? There was always this tension in our relationship whenever you wanted to come home from work or do something on the weekends that wasn't something that I wanted you to do. And so I can see how the guilt or the pressure or the to-do list or the attitude that I might've thrown at you because you wanted to go off and take a long bike ride, for example, with a cycling group or on your own, or take a walk in the woods or go to a meditation retreat or whatever it was, meeting it like, because I have something that you want to do, I'm playing into that sense of obligation that you have and the sense that Mel's to-do list comes before what I might need for myself.
I'm sorry. No, you don't need to apologize for that, but it does point to the importance of ideally in a relationship, there being a healthy balance of each person having their own either hobbies or interests or things that they, because without that one gets zero and the other one is like, Hey, I'm going out to play golf again.
Hey, I'm going out to, I'm going to go work in the shop. Hey, I'm going with the boys to play poker.
And then you're doing nothing or vice versa. It's like the guy's like, yeah, honey, you should go get your nails done or you should go do this or you should go for a hike.
And then he's left with the goose egg. So it can be a challenging balance.
That's a beautiful takeaway right there. That instead of focusing on the transaction and that tit for tat, that you focus on an opening for both of you.
that if my job is to encourage you to get out to that cycling group, to pursue some of the things that make you feel more alive and that give your life meaning, and you're doing the same for me, then we achieve the balance by looking out for one another. 100%.
That's beautiful. Thank you, honey.
Thank you. Boy, I wish I could be a fly in that retreat.
Too bad. Somehow I think it's perfect that I'm not there as a fly in the retreat.
And one more thing, in case nobody else tells you today, I want to make sure I tell you, I love you. I believe in you.
And I believe in your ability to start to create a more meaningful

life. And I really hope that the conversation today is going to help you do that and will help

you support the men in your life in doing it too your eyes? I'm listening to you set the table. Let's go.
Okay. Hey, it's your friend Mel.
And welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast. How am I starting this? You better be good.
Something like this. Okay, here we go.
Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

That's not a weird.

Hey, it's your friend Mel.

Oh my God.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Here we go.

Hey.

That's not it.

What am I doing?

Oh my God.

Oh my God. How about that? I think that's a much better open, don't you? Oh, and one more thing.
And no, this is not a blooper. This is the legal language.
You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist.
And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good.
I'll see you in the next episode. Stitcher.
Hey, friends. Ted Danson here.
And I want to let you know about my new podcast. It's called Where Everybody Knows Your Name.
With me, Ted Danson, and Woody Harrelson. Sometimes.
Doing this podcast is a chance for me and my good bud Woody to reconnect after Cheers wrapped 30 years ago. Plus, we're introducing each other to the friends we've met since, like Jane Fonda, Conan O'Brien, Eric Andre, Mary Steenburgen, my wife, and Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
And trust me, it's always a great hang when Woody's there. So why wait? Listen to Where Everybody Knows Your Name wherever you get your podcasts.
Did you know 39% of teen drivers admit to texting while driving? Even scarier, those who text are more likely to speed and run red lights. Shockingly, 94% know it's dangerous, but do it anyway.
As a parent,

you can't always be in the car, but you can stay connected to their safety with Greenlight

Infinity's driving reports. Monitor their driving habits, see if they're using their phone,

speeding, and more. These reports provide real data for meaningful conversations about safety.

Plus, with weekly updates, you can track their progress over time. Help keep your

safe. Sign up for Greenlight Infinity at greenlight.com slash podcast.