The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About

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Every December, we host an office cookie swap.

Speaker 2 But check this out. I don't bring any cookies.
Instead, I roll in with a tray of iced sugar cookie lattes from Starbucks for everyone. It's kind of become my thing.

Speaker 2 And at this point, if I actually brought cookies, I think everyone would be disappointed. And there's just something about that drink.

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I just love it. So does everybody else.

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Speaker 2 Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 2 I have something so freaking cool to talk to you about today. I'm so glad that you showed up and that you're here with me.

Speaker 2 Oh my God, I have been using this thing that we're going to talk about in my own life for a while now, and my kids call it the let them theory.

Speaker 2 The second I explain it to you, you're going to get it completely because it is the simplest, most liberating mindset flip that you could ever know and you're just going to love it.

Speaker 2 Can you tell how excited I am? I'm also excited because there are three different ways that you can use it in your life and you're going to learn all three ways today.

Speaker 2 But one more thing before we jump in, I just wanted to take a minute and say welcome to all of our new listeners. Welcome to the party that is the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 2 We've been waiting for you because this is the best group of people. So positive, so supportive.
We want the best for you and we're so glad that you're here.

Speaker 2 So whether you're here because you heard about the big award that we won at the Webbys or because Good Morning America just picked the Mel Robbins podcast as their top podcast choice recently, thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you for showing up. I promise we're going to take care of you.
Now, let's talk about that let them theory.

Speaker 2 In fact, I can give you the perfect example of how I use this thing from just this past weekend. See, it was our son, Oakley's prom.

Speaker 2 He's a junior in high school, and we went over to this person's house for pre-prom photos, and it starts to rain. And not just rain, it is like a torrential downpour.

Speaker 2 The kind of storm where you go, that really sucks. And so they're standing there, and it's about five o'clock at night.
Prom starts at seven, and the kids start talking.

Speaker 2 So what do you want to do for dinner? And I look at Oakley and I say,

Speaker 2 You guys don't have a reservation somewhere?

Speaker 2 He goes, no.

Speaker 2 And I then said, well, what are you going to do? Do you want me to call? And I start then jumping in, right? And over functioning with my anxiety, which we have talked about before on this podcast.

Speaker 2 And the kids are kind of gathering around and somebody goes, well, why don't we go to avocado pit? Now, avocado pit, just to put this in context, is this little amazing taco place, right?

Speaker 2 It's got maybe six stables in it. It's tiny.
It's the size of one stall of a garage. So we're talking one car parking place.
And there are 20 kids in tuxedos and long dresses, dressed to the nines.

Speaker 2 It is a torrential downpour outside. And their plans for prom are to go to a fast casual joint in the center of town that could maybe have six of them standing inside.

Speaker 2 And I immediately start going, you can't go to avocado pit. You're going to get wet.

Speaker 2 I am controlling. I'm that person.

Speaker 2 And my daughter turns to me and she says, mom, if they want to go to avocado pit, let them.

Speaker 2 It's his problem. It's not your problem.

Speaker 2 Let them. And when she said, let them,

Speaker 2 it's as if I just went hands off. It was this little cue that was like, okay, you're doing that thing.
Just turn from controlling everything, Mel.

Speaker 2 and let the current of what's happening take you in a different direction.

Speaker 2 And immediately what happens when you adopt the let them theory is that you are able to catch yourself when you're controlling people and you don't need to be.

Speaker 2 You are able to drop into a more surrender, peaceful feeling instead of letting your emotions rev you up. I use this thing in so many situations in my life.

Speaker 2 I've basically lost count at this point, but I'm going to give you a few examples. So whenever I start to feel left out or my feelings are hurt, I definitely tap the let them theory.

Speaker 2 For example, have you ever been in a situation where a bunch of your friends go away for the weekend and you're not included? Ooh, kind of stings, right?

Speaker 2 Or maybe your golfing buddies take a trip and you're not invited?

Speaker 2 You can tell yourself, well, there's only four and I would be five or there's six couples and, you know,

Speaker 2 but I know it hurts. That's why you need the let them theory.
Let them. If they're going on a golfing trip for four, let them.
If a bunch bunch of couples are going away, let them.

Speaker 2 Another way that I use it, when I get frustrated with other people or I feel like I'm trying to change them, ding, ding, ding, Mel, let them theory works like a charm, makes Mel the control freak back off.

Speaker 2 So your sister-in-law, for example, let's say she wants to host Thanksgiving this year, but you always host Thanksgiving. Let them.

Speaker 2 Saturday morning, you would love to clean out the garage, but your spouse doesn't really want to. They'd love to go to the hardware store.
Let them.

Speaker 2 Your kid does not want to be on the travel baseball team anymore.

Speaker 2 Let them.

Speaker 2 Or how about that friend of yours, the one that is constantly dating losers?

Speaker 2 Let them.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why.

Speaker 2 You've already spent hundreds of hours trying to counsel her not to, trying to tell her to break up, trying to tell her that she's better than the person that she's dating. Is it working? No.

Speaker 2 It just makes her push you away. It makes you feel less in control.
It turns you into an overbearing friend. It doesn't work.
So if your friend wants to date a loser that's beneath her, let her.

Speaker 2 And it works for bigger things too. Your company is doing layoffs.
There's no need to get your knickers in a pinch. Let them do their layoffs.
Another driver is cutting into traffic? Let them.

Speaker 2 It's so liberating when you learn that you can drop the sword. You can just let go.

Speaker 2 And it does make sense, doesn't it, when you hear all these examples, how simple it is and how it could be pretty powerful in your life?

Speaker 2 And the fact is, every single human being struggles with controlling behavior or controlling thoughts.

Speaker 2 And this simple theory is a way that you can check yourself so that that controlling nature or the annoying stuff that's going on around you doesn't control you.

Speaker 2 You know, I was looking for some research right before I jumped on the mic because, you know, Mel Robbins loves her research. And I found this really cool analogy that you can use.

Speaker 2 And it comes from a psychologist named Dr. Amy Johnson.
And she has this visual that explains the let them theory.

Speaker 2 She says, whenever you go into control mode, imagine that you are in a tiny, tiny boat and you're paddling upstream. You are paddling against the current.
It is hard to paddle against the current.

Speaker 2 It is a fight. That is what it feels like.
when you're controlling other people, right? Or you're trying to control them.

Speaker 2 That's what it felt like for me at this pre-prom party Because as these kids are casually talking about driving over to the avocado pit and grabbing a bite to eat, I've got my oars and I'm fighting against that current.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, but, but, but, but, but, but you should have had other things. But what about this? But you're going to get your, your, your date's going to get addressed.

Speaker 2 What the fuck, Mel?

Speaker 2 So what Dr. Johnson says is that when you catch yourself doing it, You are fighting against the current.

Speaker 2 You are literally paddling up emotion inside of you and resistance and frustration because it's frustrating when you can't control the people around you, right? It's frustrating.

Speaker 2 It doesn't create more control. It actually makes you feel less in control.
What she says is you must let go and visualize hands off the oars, drop the oars.

Speaker 2 And what happens is the boat in that situation, what does it do?

Speaker 2 It turns around. And instead of going upstream, when you drop the oars, the the boat naturally just floats downstream with the current of how things are going.

Speaker 2 And you will notice the same thing,

Speaker 2 that instead of fighting what's happening, you are able to drop the oars and just surrender to what's going on, which creates peace and ease for you.

Speaker 2 Because does it matter if Oakley and his friends want to go to the avocado pit? Of course not. Who gives a shit? In fact, it might be the most memorable part of Prom.

Speaker 2 Standing in the pouring rain, all of them crowded in this restaurant ordering tacos before the thing.

Speaker 2 And so the bigger point here is, I don't think any of us are aware of just how much energy and effort and time we waste on shit that we're trying to control.

Speaker 2 And the let them theory is a lever that you can pull so you can create more peace and ease and love and all of it in your life so you can float with the current of things instead of battling it.

Speaker 2 Now, I could probably stop our conversation right here, right? Because I know you get it. But here's the thing about the let them theory that I've discovered having used this thing for a while.

Speaker 2 Just getting it at the surface is easy, but we've only just begun scratching the surface. So I want you and I to keep peeling back the layers on this topic.

Speaker 2 And the first thing I want you and I to talk about is why on earth are we so controlling? Why do we get so upset about what other people are doing?

Speaker 2 Like, for example, I was upset the other day because the city of Boston had decided to paint the inside of the Sumner Tunnel and traffic was way backed up.

Speaker 2 And here I am sitting there in this Uber, and I'm like, why are they doing this in May? It's graduation season. There's like 42 colleges and universities.
I mean, what kind of a moron?

Speaker 2 Mel,

Speaker 2 let the city of Boston do their construction project. Just let them.
You don't need to get yourself worked up to heart attack levels in the back of an Uber.

Speaker 2 Wherever we question, wherever we judge, why did they cancel school today? It shouldn't be a snow day today.

Speaker 2 Just let them cancel school. Maybe they know something that you don't know.
Maybe there's something going on that you haven't considered.

Speaker 2 I told you there were so many ways to use this thing, but let's go back to the control and the fact that we need this in the first place.

Speaker 2 And the truth is there are three reasons why you and I need the let them theory. And the first reason is because controlling and ruminating about something, it's a form of anxiety.
That's right.

Speaker 2 Your need to control things is a form of anxiety. When you're overbearing on people or your kids, maybe you are that overbearing parent, or maybe you're nosy.

Speaker 2 or you can't keep your opinions to yourself, or you can't stop thinking about something, or you're constantly frustrated with your roommates or with your girlfriend or with your parents or with town politics.

Speaker 2 This is a form of anxiety.

Speaker 2 Because remember, anxiety is an alarm inside you that's going off saying something's wrong.

Speaker 2 In fact, we have a lot of people who write into this show who say that their parents were so overbearing on the point of emotional abuse. Why? Well, because of two reasons.

Speaker 2 Number one, they probably had a lot of fears. There was a lot of uncertainty.
They wanted you to succeed. They wanted you to fit in.

Speaker 2 They wanted you to have the best of everything and more opportunities than they did. And so they pushed you and pushed you and pushed you and pushed you.

Speaker 2 And the second reason why people do that is because they think it's a form of love.

Speaker 2 That if I push you, if I look out for the best for you, if I think about all the things that could go wrong and I micromanage you, don't forget your umbrella, don't forget your lunch, do this, do that, be this kind of major, that you think you are looking out for the best for somebody.

Speaker 2 But what you're actually doing is you're suffocating people.

Speaker 2 The second reason why we are also controlling and why you need the let them theory is because it's easier to focus on other people.

Speaker 2 You trick yourself into thinking that you're going to be in control if you can control other people. It doesn't work that way because you can't control other people.
You can manipulate them.

Speaker 2 You can guilt them. You can shame them.
You can compliment them. You can love them, but you can't control them.
Okay.

Speaker 2 The person that you can control is yourself and every time you use the let them theory you immediately reverse the focus of that control on everybody else

Speaker 2 and you turn it back on yourself i'll give you an example of that let's say that your friends have gone away this weekend okay

Speaker 2 and your feelings are hurt If you sit there and worry about it, why did they,

Speaker 2 it left me out. I feel left out.
I'm always left out. What did I do wrong? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Maybe I should text them. Maybe I should say something.
Maybe I should.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You know what you should do? You should let them go away.

Speaker 2 You should let them go away. And you should stop focusing on what they're doing.

Speaker 2 Because all this obsessing about it and thinking about what you need to do in order to control what's happening, it's not working.

Speaker 2 And secondly, it's distracting you from what you really need to do, which is put the focus back on yourself.

Speaker 2 As you're sitting there, ask yourself, well, if I'm this upset by it, what do I need to do to make sure that I am proactive about friendships, that I'm the one organizing these things?

Speaker 2 That's where the real power is.

Speaker 2 And finally,

Speaker 2 the third reason why you and I engage in this controlling behavior is because it distracts us from what we don't want to deal with.

Speaker 2 You know, I stop and think a lot about that situation with Oakley and the prom.

Speaker 2 And yeah, it sounds really dumb on the surface, but when I really am honest with myself, all that controlling was triggered by something much deeper and more emotional that was going on for me beneath the surface.

Speaker 2 And I think all of the things that felt unfamiliar reminded me that I'm in a new place.

Speaker 2 And when we got home from that pre-POM photo party, I turned to Chris and I said, you know,

Speaker 2 I'm really kind of sad. Because I miss knowing all the kids.
And I miss knowing all the parents.

Speaker 2 And I miss seeing kids that I have known since they were in diapers all grown up in Tuxes and I think I'm just kind of sad and I'm controlling where Oakley is going to eat because that was something that was always part of the prom experience back home and so a lot of times the controlling or the obsessing is triggered by the way that you're used to things being and you're uncomfortable with the uncertainty, which is why you jump in and you do this.

Speaker 2 I want you to hold on to that example in your mind because as you and I talk more about the specific three ways that you can use the let them theory, I am certain that what you're going to hear is going to make a huge difference in that area of your life where you're gripping that oar and you're paddling upstream and you're fighting the current and you're tired of it.

Speaker 2 Because the truth is, you can use the let them theory for just about anything.

Speaker 2 And 99% of the time, when you feel yourself trying to control a situation or another human being, I want you to use the let them theory.

Speaker 2 I want you to literally say to yourself, my mom and dad don't want to come to Thanksgiving, let them.

Speaker 2 My sister-in-law doesn't want to go to so-and-so's baby shower, let her.

Speaker 2 My son or daughter doesn't want to go to medical school, let them.

Speaker 2 My husband doesn't want to train for this triathlon that I've signed up for. Let them.

Speaker 2 My roommates don't want to do dry January with me, let them.

Speaker 2 Stop trying to force other people to do what you want them to do. And so much more peace will come into your life.

Speaker 2 And you will also take that exact same energy and angst and frustration that you were aiming at your kid going to the avocado pit, and you will have it to put towards something else.

Speaker 2 It's really powerful. And that's why I want to take the time to truly unpack this.
So before I tell you the three different ways you can use this,

Speaker 2 I want to give you though, three caveats, okay? Because the let them theory is basically where you're going to go, you know,

Speaker 2 drop the oars. I'm out.
I'm just going to let you do it. I'm not going to worry about it.
I'm not going to bitch about it. I'm not going to try to control it.
I'm just going to let them, okay?

Speaker 2 But there's three moments in time where I don't want you to do that, where I want you to step up, okay?

Speaker 2 And I want to cover these off the bat because I know so many of you are going to be like, but but

Speaker 2 what about this? So let me just say these three situations up front. If somebody is doing something dangerous or they are discriminating against you, do not let them do that.

Speaker 2 So for example, if you've got a buddy or a family member that's had a couple drinks, don't let them get behind the wheel of a car. That's not a time to drop the oars and just go with the flow.

Speaker 2 If you see someone harassing someone or discriminating against someone, speak up. You don't just let that happen.

Speaker 2 The second example of where you're not going to just let them do whatever they're going to do, that's where you need to ask for something or you got to advocate for your own rights.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to give you a really important example about this.

Speaker 2 Always negotiate your salary. Do not just let the first offer be what you accept.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding about this, and this is really important for you to hear because there was a Pew research study that was done this year in 2023.

Speaker 2 60% of people surveyed said in their past job, they didn't even negotiate their salary. They just let the company pay them whatever.
Do not do that. Okay.

Speaker 2 So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself, do not let somebody just to decide those things. Okay.

Speaker 2 You got to step up and you got to take control in that situation. And finally, if somebody's continuously crossing your boundaries, don't let them do that.

Speaker 2 If you've expressed them, if you've defined them, you need to hold your boundary. Do not let let them just walk all over you like a doormat.

Speaker 2 And one specific boundary that I want to highlight is boundaries that you need when you're the one who's the parent.

Speaker 2 Now, I know that I already said something about overbearing parents, but being a parent of three adult children, I see you parents out there, and I realize you just can't let your kids blow off school.

Speaker 2 You can't let them not do their homework or not eat their vegetables or not help out around the house.

Speaker 2 Your job as a parent is to create boundaries, to put up guardrails so keep doing it the let them theory is what you're going to use when you realize that you're forcing your kids to be a mini version of yourself and you're not letting them be themselves like for example if they have interests that you don't like like video games or theater or some sport you've never played Let them.

Speaker 2 Let them express their opinions. Let them express themselves.
Let them do theater instead of football. Let them major in psychology instead of economics.

Speaker 2 Because if you don't let them pursue their individual passions, you are suffocating them. And you're telling them that who they are at their core is not okay.

Speaker 2 Another thing you can let your kids do, let them do their laundry.

Speaker 2 Let them have the jeans bleed into the sweatshirts and have all that kind of weird bluish gray color be the color of every piece of their clothing. You want to know why?

Speaker 2 Because your kids are going to figure out really quickly, they don't like their clothes to look like that.

Speaker 2 And so when you let them do things the wrong way, they tend to want to learn to do them the right way.

Speaker 2 And most importantly, let your kids have their emotions. Let them throw a tantrum.
Let them feel sad. Let them not go to the sleepover.
They need that space from you.

Speaker 2 And that's the way you can use the let them theory to put up the guardrails when it's important, but to let them down and to give your kids space when they need space to be themselves. All right.

Speaker 2 With those three giant caveats, you and I are going to jump into the first specific way that you can start using the let them theory today.

Speaker 2 But before we do that, we're going to hear a short word from our sponsors because they allow me to bring this to you for zero cost. We love our sponsors.

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Speaker 2 And the book is all about taking control of your own life, your reactions, your emotions, everything, right, Soy? Totally.

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Speaker 2 Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and I'm teaching you a theory called the let them theory.

Speaker 2 And I had just explained that the let them theory is used in a moment where you feel yourself ramping up the control. You're just wrapped around the axle.
Your knickers are in a pinch.

Speaker 2 You can't believe so-and-so did such and such.

Speaker 2 Or you're just thinking about it. Why didn't they invite me? Why does everybody get together? Why does my roommate always do this?

Speaker 2 She was in town and she didn't call me.

Speaker 2 Let them.

Speaker 2 Let them.

Speaker 2 Other people get to be themselves. Other people get to make decisions.
The let them theory is a way for you to address your own anxiety. It is a way for you to let people be who they are.

Speaker 2 It is a way for you to get out of other people's business and stick to your own business.

Speaker 2 And it is a way for you to create emotional peace and to stop this reflexive need to control or comment on everyone around you. I think about my husband.

Speaker 2 I used to get so annoyed because the guy is a slow processor.

Speaker 2 You can almost hear the wheels turning as he's thinking about something.

Speaker 2 And he asks a lot of questions. And it used to drive me fucking crazy.
I just would be like, could you spit it out? You're like, you know, what are you thinking about?

Speaker 2 And I realized

Speaker 2 I need him to be that way

Speaker 2 because I am moving at the speed of light.

Speaker 2 One of us has to have our feet on the ground. One of us has to be thinking through decisions.

Speaker 2 One of us has to make sure that the bills get paid and the dog gets to the vet and that the things that we're doing are thought through.

Speaker 2 And so I use the let them theory

Speaker 2 to just let Chris be who he is

Speaker 2 and stop making him wrong and stop trying to control him. And it certainly creates more peace for him.
So let's talk about the three ways that you are going to use the let them theory in your life.

Speaker 2 The first one is detachment.

Speaker 2 Use the let them theory to detach yourself from the emotional or mental struggle that you get yourself into

Speaker 2 when you're thinking about either what other people are doing or how things should be going.

Speaker 2 This strikes a nerve for all of us. You know, when I looked at the post that we did on Instagram, there were 9,800 comments this morning on this thing.
It's only been up for a week.

Speaker 2 That's how much has struck a nerve. 9,800 comments in one week.
That's incredible. Sue Fama wrote this on Instagram.

Speaker 2 I've wasted a lot of time, Mel, and energy feeling inadequate due to my expectations of other other people. It hurts.

Speaker 2 Yet I've learned to make the conscious choice to keep doing me regardless of their behavior. It's fucking hard to be good at this.
It requires practice.

Speaker 2 We all have trouble with this because, of course, you have expectations. I'll give you an example.
Have you ever gone to a wedding?

Speaker 2 And it's a wedding where a lot of your friends from college or a certain like period of your life are going to be there.

Speaker 2 And you're so excited because you think that you're all going to be seated together.

Speaker 2 And you go to the wedding and you go up to that beautiful display that people do now where everybody's cards are like in a place to find out where you're sitting.

Speaker 2 And you pull out your card and you're like, We're at table 11. Where are you guys? We're like, We're at table three.
We're at table four. Oh, we're at table four.

Speaker 2 And you realize all your friends are sitting together, but you.

Speaker 2 And in those moments, I want to try to switch cards. I make the bride and groom wrong.
I want to

Speaker 2 let them, let them, it's their wedding. Let them do what they want.

Speaker 2 Instead of feeling hurt, instead of feeling bummed, instead of looking over that table across the dance floor longingly and thinking, why the fuck am I with the second aunt and the cousins?

Speaker 2 Oh, I know, because I can talk to anybody. I can see it right now.
They're sitting there. Oh, Mel and Chris can talk to anybody.
We'll stick them over here.

Speaker 2 As I'm looking longingly across the dance floor,

Speaker 2 and I'm making up a story, they're having way more fun. I'm at, no, let them.
Let the bride and groom do what they needed to do. Let the friends do what they're needing to do.
Just let them.

Speaker 2 Because does that emotional turmoil that you create inside yourself, does it actually help you enjoy the way? No. Does it change where you're sitting? No.

Speaker 2 So let them. It's like a form of radical acceptance and it is hard.

Speaker 2 It's hard because I think we default to holding on to our expectations or holding on to feeling hurt or wronged or having an opinion about how things should. It's too hot.
Why are they doing it?

Speaker 2 let them

Speaker 2 let them if united airlines wants to board from the back of the plane let them

Speaker 2 who cares that you paid extra for extra legroom you're still going to get it let them do what they need to do

Speaker 2 here's another comment a friend told me that she was so upset and disappointed that another friend had gone without her on a trip that she thought that they were supposed to take together My God, was she fixated on it.

Speaker 2 She just couldn't let it go. This is the perfect opportunity to tell your friend about the let them theory.
Have you heard about the let them theory?

Speaker 2 For all you know, it's not that they didn't want to go with you, it's that they just needed time alone. So let them take the trip alone.

Speaker 2 Why do you have to be so offended about everything? Why do you have to be so fucking hurt about everything?

Speaker 2 Not everything's that serious or that deep, everybody.

Speaker 2 When you're getting yourself worked up about something, you're getting yourself annoyed about something.

Speaker 2 Let people do what they need to do.

Speaker 2 So that's detachment.

Speaker 2 And I can give you another example. You know, when I first moved to Vermont, we moved here, you know, in March of 2020, say no more.

Speaker 2 And so there were travel restrictions for a couple years, and that limited anybody's ability to visit us. But it's now going on Oakley's junior year, and my parents have still yet to visit.

Speaker 2 And I was really hurt by this and really upset by it, thinking, wait a minute, like he's now a junior in high school and they haven't come to see where we live.

Speaker 2 Like, and I kept saying, just let them, just let them. They have their reasons.
Just keep inviting them and let them.

Speaker 2 And what I finally realized, because instead of being upset about it, I just had a conversation with my mom about it, is she said, I just don't like that state. And I said, why?

Speaker 2 And she told me this story about how when she was really little, her parents left her at the family farm with her grandmother, and they went to the state of Vermont with their older sister to do something related to an eye surgery.

Speaker 2 And while they were gone, my great-grandmother dropped dead next to my mom.

Speaker 2 And when my grandparents, her parents came home, one of the first things they said to her is, Why didn't you do more to help her? I mean, can you imagine hearing that? No wonder she hates the state.

Speaker 2 And so when I see that story, I see this isn't about me. This is about something else.
Let people do what they need to do.

Speaker 2 When you give people the space to do things in a way that makes them feel comfortable, eventually they come around. And sure enough, they're going to be here in a month.
And I can't wait.

Speaker 2 But you got to let them. Let them have the space to sort through their stuff.

Speaker 2 All right. Right now feels like a really good time to let our sponsors have a little word.
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Speaker 2 And when we return, I'm going to share the second way you can use this theory in your own life. We'll be right back.

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Speaker 2 Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today you and I are talking about the let them theory.
So let's talk about the second way you're going to use this theory.

Speaker 2 And this can be a little trickier because this is when you really need to take a step back and you got to let people fail and you've got to give people the room to grow, the room to learn and the room to take personal responsibility for something in their life.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to give you a couple examples of this. So when our son was in

Speaker 2 fifth grade, he went to this incredible school outside of Boston that focuses on language-based learning differences. So like dyslexia, dysgraphia, that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2 And I'll never forget, they said, if you forget their lunch, don't bring it.

Speaker 2 They're not going to go hungry, but don't bring it. Because so much of what we're trying to teach them is that they are capable of creating systems to remember things.
And if they

Speaker 2 constantly forget things and you rescue them, they're never going to learn that.

Speaker 2 It's in the forgetting, it's in the sting, it's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you and you create systems and processes to actually do it.

Speaker 2 And so if they forget their lunch, let them.

Speaker 2 If they forget an application deadline for a job, let them forget. Why?

Speaker 2 Because they needed to learn that lesson. And here's the hardest application of this on the planet.
If you have somebody in your life that's struggling with addiction,

Speaker 2 anybody who has dealt with this will tell you, nobody gets sober until they're ready to.

Speaker 2 If somebody relapses, let them.

Speaker 2 And this is a really, really, really hard thing to grasp in your life.

Speaker 2 Every time that you bail your sister out who's terrible with money, and you loan her money, you know what happens? She continues to be terrible with money.

Speaker 2 Sometimes you need the sting of 11 bounce checks or the lien on the house, which is what happened to Chris and I back in 2000, whatever.

Speaker 2 I remember he asked his brother to loan him some money and he said, I'm sorry. If me not giving you this money is the reason why the business fails and you go bankrupt, then so be it.

Speaker 2 But I can't bail you out. You got to figure out how to do this yourself.
Why? Because he wasn't responsible for Chris's failure. Chris was.
And he wasn't responsible for rescuing him. Chris was.

Speaker 2 And when you constantly rescue people, you're teaching them that they're not capable of rescuing themselves. And so

Speaker 2 the next time you get that whiny phone call from somebody that needs money or somebody that forgot something or somebody that wants to transfer yet again, don't control the situation.

Speaker 2 Gear them out and say, if you want to do that, great. I'll support you by cheering you on.
But you're going to have to do the paperwork. You're going to have to figure out how to get out of debt.

Speaker 2 You're going to have to come to me when you're ready to get clean. You got to let them do it themselves.
And here's one more thing on that.

Speaker 2 Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow.

Speaker 2 Every time you step in and you make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker. and more dependent on you.

Speaker 2 So if you truly want somebody to tap into the strength inside themselves, yes, there is a time to support people.

Speaker 2 But if somebody keeps relapsing, if somebody keeps forgetting their lunch, if somebody keeps dating the same toxic fucking person,

Speaker 2 let them.

Speaker 2 Because eventually it's not going to work. And then they're going to come to you and ask for help.
And when they do,

Speaker 2 They'll be ready to accept it. It's certainly going to be easier on you when you use the let them do it theory.
And that brings me to the third way that you're going to use the let them theory.

Speaker 2 And this one is really difficult.

Speaker 2 Let them be themselves.

Speaker 2 When you let somebody just be who they actually are, and you stop trying to make them something else, you realize in so many friendships and so many relationships, you actually are in love with their potential.

Speaker 2 You're not in a relationship with with who the person really is.

Speaker 2 And you've been so busy controlling and trying to change them that you don't even recognize that you're in a relationship with their potential. And when you let somebody be who they actually are,

Speaker 2 wow.

Speaker 2 It allows you to understand who you're actually dealing with.

Speaker 2 When you focus on someone's potential and you start to try to control and manipulate and want them to reach that potential or change or be different, you're not letting them be themselves.

Speaker 2 And that not only sucks for the other person, because there's nothing, there's nothing that feels good about being on the receiving end of that. Don't wear those shoes.
You need an umbrella.

Speaker 2 Why are you doing that? Well, you should train with that. You should lose some weight.
Why are you eating gluten? Come on, won't you go to this movie with me? Why do you have to always do that thing?

Speaker 2 That doesn't feel good, does it? Let them be themselves. Stop and think.

Speaker 2 Are you truly in a relationship

Speaker 2 with the person as they are?

Speaker 2 Or are you in a relationship with who you wish they were?

Speaker 2 And you know that that's true if you're constantly in your mind griping about what you wish they would change instead of letting them be themselves.

Speaker 2 And if you can catch this,

Speaker 2 that you're always dating the potential, that you're always in a friendship that you hope will improve.

Speaker 2 You'll realize that you're not even present with the person as they are. And when you give somebody the freedom to be themselves, guess what happens?

Speaker 2 You

Speaker 2 see who they really are.

Speaker 2 I can think of a lot of relationships that I've been in where I spent a lot of time griping about behaviors I didn't like.

Speaker 2 When you distract yourself by griping about the fact that they drink too much or they have a drug problem or, you know, they're not as ambitious or you'd like or you wish they worked out out or you can't stand their short hair and you wish they grew it longer or you hate their family or you don't like that thing that they do or the sex is really bad you're not really with them

Speaker 2 you're so focused on all the things that you don't like and the things that you wish you would change that you're in a relationship with the things you don't like because that's what you're focused on and when you distract yourself like that it keeps you from addressing the reality.

Speaker 2 And the reality is you're probably not with somebody that you actually want to be with.

Speaker 2 You've just kept yourself busy griping about what you wish would change and deluding yourself into thinking that it actually might change. It's not going to.

Speaker 2 You got to let them be who they are so that you can deal with the reality of who someone is.

Speaker 2 And when you finally deal with the reality of who someone is, then you can make a great choice about who you really are and what you really need.

Speaker 2 One way way that we try to control other people is through jealousy. And if this is something that you struggle with, you need the let them theory.

Speaker 2 If you're jealous of, let's say, your partner spending time with their kids from another marriage, if you're jealous of when your boyfriend goes off and plays golf with his friends, if you're jealous of when your girlfriend or your wife, is spending more time with the kids and their bonding of over, this is a major problem because jealousy in this regard,

Speaker 2 this is your attempt to control other people.

Speaker 2 Because when you get jealous about your partner spending time with their kids from the first marriage, your jealousy is an attempt to try to get them to stop doing that.

Speaker 2 You need to let people have their friendships and have their time with their kids and have close friendships with people of the same sex. That's important.

Speaker 2 And it's important to let them do that without you getting triggered.

Speaker 2 The The reason why you feel jealous is you're threatened and you're telling yourself that they don't love you as much as those other people or that they're not going to love you if they hang out with those people.

Speaker 2 And what's interesting about that is your jealousy and your controlling is an attempt to get more love.

Speaker 2 But it backfires, doesn't it? Because you're not present to love when you're jealous. You're actually present to less control and less love.

Speaker 2 So if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're going to do and bring more love to the situation.

Speaker 2 By letting them do what they're going to do and spend time with their kids and spend time playing golf or spend time on that project that they're working on, you're showing them that you love them as they are.

Speaker 2 It's an act of love to let people do what makes them feel good. So A,

Speaker 2 You're no longer feeling that toxic emotion of jealousy. B, you're giving somebody the most loving gift that you can, which is accepting who they are and supporting what makes them happy.
And C,

Speaker 2 ultimately, if you keep practicing this, you're going to get what you wanted all along, which is the feeling of more love in your life because you've let go and you've accepted what is.

Speaker 2 And when you let go and accept what is, that person's going to love you back more.

Speaker 2 See how this works?

Speaker 2 Let them.

Speaker 2 Let them.

Speaker 2 Let people have their emotions. Let them have their opinions.

Speaker 2 You trying to control what somebody feels and what they say, that is a one-way ticket to the end of a relationship. So I'll give you an example.

Speaker 2 Let's say that you and your best friend have started to grow apart. Maybe one of you moved away.
Maybe one of you are in a really serious relationship and the other one's single.

Speaker 2 The patterns of your life have started to change. Hence, your relationship starts to change.
You still care about one another, but you just don't see each other as much.

Speaker 2 And your friend comes to you and says, I feel like you've changed.

Speaker 2 I've always been there for you and you're never there for me anymore because you're so busy with your boyfriend or you're so busy with this, that, and the other thing.

Speaker 2 Let them have those feelings.

Speaker 2 You don't need to control what they think.

Speaker 2 One of the greatest acts of generosity and love that a human being can give to another human being is to just listen, to witness somebody's feelings about something and validate it. That's it.

Speaker 2 That's all you need to do.

Speaker 2 And when somebody is given the space because you let them share how they're feeling, they're mad at you, they're upset about you, they're frustrated with this, they feel wrong, they feel hurt, they feel this, they feel that,

Speaker 2 something amazing happens.

Speaker 2 You learn this skill of being able to detach.

Speaker 2 You learn how to let people be upset and not put your hooks into it. You learn the ability

Speaker 2 to have feelings rise and fall. It just happened to me this morning, in fact.
I had told our daughter Kendall that I would love to do something this morning together.

Speaker 2 And the morning, of course, came and a lot of stuff happened. And then it was 10 o'clock and she was going to help me go through some things in my closet.

Speaker 2 And she started to go, you know, we got to get going on this because if we don't get going on this, we're only only going to be doing it for 15 minutes and if we only do it for 15 minutes i'm going to have a fucking attitude okay because i'm going to feel really pissed off about it you know what i did i let her

Speaker 2 i let her have that frustration

Speaker 2 it was so liberating i was often engaging in this

Speaker 2 emotional tug of war with people in my life. They'd get upset.
I'd try to calm them down. Then they'd get more upset.
Then I'd try to be responsible for why they're upset. Then I'm trying to solve it.

Speaker 2 Then they're doing, and it just becomes this:

Speaker 2 nobody's letting anybody do anything. We're arguing over how we feel.
It is so fucking stupid. The let them theory allows you to observe people's emotional distress

Speaker 2 and let them have it and let you off the hook from rescuing them or being responsible for it. It is such a beautiful thing.

Speaker 2 When you let somebody be free to be who they are in their best and their worst moments, that freedom that you're giving to somebody else,

Speaker 2 that gift of not controlling, you know what happens? You get a gift in return.

Speaker 2 You get peace and ease back in your life. And here's another way to look at it.
When you're trying to change someone else, You're in someone else's business.

Speaker 2 You always want to be in your own business. You always want to be dealing with your feelings and what you can do about it.

Speaker 2 I recently went away with a bunch of women that I've become friends with, and we met inside of a much larger group of people.

Speaker 2 And I found out after the fact that there was somebody who had been telling other people that they were really bummed and hurt that they weren't included.

Speaker 2 And for a minute, I felt bad. But I used the let them theory.
Let them be hurt.

Speaker 2 Let them be bummed that they weren't invited.

Speaker 2 It's not my responsibility and it's not your responsibility to make sure everybody's feelings are okay.

Speaker 2 It's my responsibility to take care of myself.

Speaker 2 And having been on the other side of that story, where for years I was so busy working that I let my female friendships just go. I would constantly feel hurt that I wasn't included in things.

Speaker 2 I was constantly feeling FOMO that people were out at parties or out to dinner or getting together with their kids and we weren't included. When I feel like that, I'm in their business.

Speaker 2 The harder thing, when you just let people get together and not invite you, let people do what they're going to do and not include you.

Speaker 2 The harder thing is to get back into your business, which is, if this bothers you so much, what are you going to do about it, Mel?

Speaker 2 Because what I realized for myself is that, of course, nobody invites me anywhere. I'm not prioritizing my friendships.
I haven't thrown a party in a long time.

Speaker 2 I haven't planned a women's weekend in five years. If I really want more of this in my life, it's not up to me to control other people to make them invite me.

Speaker 2 It's up to me to be responsible for creating these experiences. That means I'm now focused on my business, not on trying to control other people's business.
Always move toward peace.

Speaker 2 Let them do what they're going to do. And you

Speaker 2 focus on what you're going to do. I can't wait to hear how you use the let them theory.
You know what? My dog's barking. You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to let the dogs bark.

Speaker 2 And I'm also going to tell you that I love you and I believe in you and I believe in your ability to create a life that you love. Alrighty,

Speaker 2 I love you. I'm going to let you go do whatever you're going to go do.
And I'll talk to you in a few days.

Speaker 2 Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 2 It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

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