Incredible Research From Harvard: 4 Simple Tools to Conquer Your Fear

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Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel. Welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
That right there is the Dallas Convention Center. 3,000 women in the audience.

Speaker 1 I am taking the stage today, and I am taking you to work with me. Are you ready for this? I'm ready for this.
Let's fucking go.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 All righty, you ready? I'm serious. It's Take You to Work Day for Mel Robbins.
I've been wanting to take you on the road with me for

Speaker 1 months, ever since we launched this podcast.

Speaker 1 And I do want to thank those of you that come up every single day. It doesn't matter where I am, grocery store, airplane, hotel lobby, standing in line at a gas station.
I love meeting you. Love it.

Speaker 1 If you ever see me, I want you to know something. I would be mad if you didn't use the five-second rule 54321 to push yourself to come up and say hello.

Speaker 1 People in 200 countries have been impacted by this show because of us, you and me. We're sharing the episodes.
We're showing up twice a week. And so I love meeting you because

Speaker 1 It means that when I'm sitting in a hotel room in Dallas, I'm thinking of you and I'm thinking of the fact that this conversation is happening between us and that makes me show up in a way that I wouldn't show up if I weren't meeting you or hearing from you and reading your letters.

Speaker 1 And so just thank you for that. And today we're going to talk about the biggest fear that people have in life.
You know, Seinfeld famously joked that

Speaker 1 the person in the coffin isn't scared. It's the person who has to speak about the person in the coffin who is.
The fear of public speaking is the number one fear that people have.

Speaker 1 And I don't even mean necessarily talking on a stage like I do for a living.

Speaker 1 I'm talking about the fear of speaking in public, sharing your ideas at work, expressing what you need to other people, having hard conversations with friends and family, talking at a meeting at school, pushing back on something with a doctor, like just being able to express yourself.

Speaker 1 And the reason why this is such a huge fear for people is because it is a moment of intense vulnerability. The second that you go to speak at work, what happens?

Speaker 1 Everybody turns and all eyes are on you. You feel like there's a spotlight on you and you get really worried about being judged.
Same thing happens when you have to speak in class, right?

Speaker 1 When you got called on in class, most people get a little nervous. A lot of people hated that moment in elementary school when you had to read out loud.
That's a moment of public speaking.

Speaker 1 We are so afraid in that moment when the spotlight is on us. And I've shared in a number of episodes that I used to be terrified of public speaking.

Speaker 1 I would turn bright red when I got called on as a little kid. In law school, I would start coughing attacks or I would leave the room.

Speaker 1 As a young lawyer, I would wear a scarf because I'd get these neck rashes as I was talking to the judge and to the prosecutor in a small courtroom.

Speaker 1 And I just figured I would be the kind of person that always had a bright red face, always had an awful case of hives on my chest, always felt my tongue going dry, and I hated it.

Speaker 1 I hated it, hated it, hated it. And today, what I'm going to talk about is how I went from being afraid of public speaking to becoming

Speaker 1 the most successful female speaker in the world. More than 111 speeches a year on the corporate circuit.
So Microsoft, Starbucks, JPMorgan, any kind of company you can imagine.

Speaker 1 I've been there, but I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking, but to conquer it and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves.

Speaker 1 And that's what I'm going to teach you today. Because you know what I want for you? I want your fullest expression.
I want fear to stop holding you back. I want you to trust fall into your life.

Speaker 1 I want you to take that first step and climb the the staircase to the things that you want in your life.

Speaker 1 And there are too many places where fear holds you back and keeps you silent and has you questioning yourself. And so that was me too.

Speaker 1 And I just chipped away at this fucker. And I am so glad that I did because I

Speaker 1 just can't even imagine how

Speaker 1 much I would yearn. for what I'm doing now without even realizing it.
But the first step is admitting that there are fears that are holding you back.

Speaker 1 And so we're going to use public speaking because it's the number one fear for everybody. Now, the first question I always get is, how did you get into the speaking business?

Speaker 1 And how did you become the most sought-after female speaker on the corporate speaking circuit, Mel? Well, the truth is, I didn't set out to do anything.

Speaker 1 I've told you guys the story about how that TEDx talk happened by accident in 2011 and how I had a 21-minute long panic attack while I was giving that talk and I never thought I would speak ever, ever, ever again.

Speaker 1 And then something crazy happened. A year later, somebody put the TEDx talk online.

Speaker 1 And for another year, it went crazy viral.

Speaker 1 And I didn't even know it was online. And so we're talking 2013.

Speaker 1 Now, by mid-2013, people start to reach out to me on Facebook and say, hey, I saw that thing in San Francisco. And I'm like, were you there? They're like, no, it's online.
I'm like, it's online.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I realized, holy cow, this thing's got like a million views. That's crazy.
And people kept reaching out. And it was mainly women's conferences.

Speaker 1 And they were asking if I wanted to come and do like a breakout session. And they wanted me to just repeat that TEDx talk.
And so I had no idea that this was an industry or a business.

Speaker 1 I looked at speaking as something that famous people do, something that sports people do, something that people that are major, major authors must do. So I didn't have a book.
I didn't have anything.

Speaker 1 I just had my little secret five-second rule in my back pocket. I had a TEDx talk that had mistakenly gone viral online.

Speaker 1 And now I had people asking me if I would come and I would talk in breakout sessions at women's conferences. And I'm like, okay, that sounds fun.

Speaker 1 Now keep in mind in my life, this is the moment when Chris has left the restaurant industry.

Speaker 1 He is bottomed out, not functioning, focused on getting sober. And I am working two jobs trying to keep things afloat.
It is a really scrambling time in our life.

Speaker 1 And so I said yes to these things. And I'll never forget it.
In 2013, I did seven

Speaker 1 talks, I think it was, all for free. I had no idea that people got paid to do this.
And I was doing it because I wanted to escape the pressure of my life.

Speaker 1 And if I'm being perfectly honest, as nervous as I was about doing this, and I'd get a big neck rash and I'd turn bright red in my face. As nervous as I was, there was something about being asked

Speaker 1 to tell my story and inspire other people that really lifted me up and made me feel,

Speaker 1 I don't know, like, it's sort of like how you fluff a pillow up when it's looking deflated. It just lifted my spirits a little bit to have the focus be on helping other people.

Speaker 1 And so it was like a lifeline, but I was still so nervous. When I tell you I was nervous, I mean, I was so nervous.

Speaker 1 I not only wore spanks, I would put like a pad in the spanks because I was sweating so much. I had all kinds of wardrobe fails because I would, I would literally sweat like Niagara Falls.

Speaker 1 That's what I do. I have a hot flash as I get nervous.
So

Speaker 1 I'll never forget it. It was the Pennsylvania Women's Conference.
Hillary Clinton, I think, was the keynote speaker.

Speaker 1 And then there was this incredible woman who was the principal of Strawberry Hill Mansion, who

Speaker 1 I just love.

Speaker 1 And she spoke in the main room, 14,000 women there. And I was in this breakout session, and it was the largest room I had ever been in.
I almost had a heart attack.

Speaker 1 There were like a thousand seats set up and I had never been in a room that size. So I give this talk, which was largely just a mimic of the TEDx talk that I did.
And

Speaker 1 this woman comes up to me afterwards and she's like, oh my God, you were so great. You know, which is really nice to hear.
And she said, can I ask you a question?

Speaker 1 You know, I was also a speaker this morning. I was in a breakout room on a panel and I just wanted to ask you a question, speaker to speaker.
And I was like, of course.

Speaker 1 And she said, did you get your check yet? And I said, check?

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. You, you got paid for this?

Speaker 1 And she looked at me with horror and said, oh my God, I'm really sorry. I just assumed like you had a bigger, I just assumed that you got paid.
I'm like, people get paid for this?

Speaker 1 Like people, like normal people get paid for this?

Speaker 1 And I was so flabbergasted. It was one of those moments where you're just like, am I the stupidest fucking idiot on the planet? Does everybody else know this shit but me?

Speaker 1 And I was so dumbfounded

Speaker 1 that for two weeks, I was just like stunned at what an idiot I was. I didn't even think to ask anybody to pay me to do this because I didn't think I was any good at it.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I made myself a promise. I said, you know what? I have no idea what to charge.
You don't have a book. You should probably write one of those two.

Speaker 1 But first you got to figure out how to keep the lights on in the house house and keep the family afloat and keep paying the bills. And I thought, here's what I'm going to do.

Speaker 1 I am going to just, when the next person calls and says, we'd like to book you to speak, I'm going to pause 54321,

Speaker 1 take a breath, and then I'm going to say, what's your budget?

Speaker 1 And then I'm going to wait.

Speaker 1 I'm going to listen to the number and then I'm going to 54321, pause,

Speaker 1 and then say,

Speaker 1 normally I'm double

Speaker 1 and pause and see what happens. Because I didn't even know what to price myself at.

Speaker 1 So two weeks later, the phone rings and it's this guy in Dallas, Darren Powell. And he had been in the speaking business for like 20 years.
And he says,

Speaker 1 you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, heard, da-da-da-da-da-da. And I got to thank his wife, Lori, because she's the one that saw my TEDx talk going viral on Facebook.

Speaker 1 And she said to her husband, you got to book this woman for our sales conference for Jay Hilburn. And so Darren calls me, first phone call I receive, no joke,

Speaker 1 when I've made myself this promise.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he asked if I'm available five months from now in Dallas in August to speak at the national sales conference for this company, Jay Hilbert.

Speaker 1 I said, I think I'm available. What's your budget?

Speaker 1 And he said, $10,000.

Speaker 1 I dropped the fucking phone. We had liens on our $10,000.

Speaker 1 I had no fucking idea, people. What the? $10,000 fucking dollars? Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 1 I will literally,

Speaker 1 I'll strip for that. I mean, that's unbelievable.
So I forgot the second part. I was like, okay, I'm in.
I'm in. Yes, yes, yes.
Now, luckily, I was so nervous.

Speaker 1 And, you know, sometimes fear is a fantastic thing because it motivates you. I was so nervous because I felt so unworthy of that amount of money

Speaker 1 that I

Speaker 1 did something really smart and fear motivated me to do this.

Speaker 1 I was so nervous that I would fall flat on my face because I believed I was not worthy of that kind of money because I had never made that kind of money.

Speaker 1 That I used half of the budget to pay a graphic designer to help me create a PowerPoint because I needed at least something that would look like that.

Speaker 1 And I practiced and I practiced and I prepared. And that's one of the big things that you got to take away:

Speaker 1 one of the best freaking tools for nerves is preparation.

Speaker 1 The more you prepare, what you're actually doing is working through your own resistance to this shit. You're creating muscle memory.
You're rehearsing. Will you choke?

Speaker 1 Maybe, but not after I teach you the tools that I'm going to teach you today. But you will never

Speaker 1 get better or conquer your fear of public speaking if you're unwilling to prepare. So part of the nerves might be that you're not even preparing enough.
You're not rehearsing.

Speaker 1 You're not rehearsing in front of people. You're not taking the time to edit your mark.
Like it takes time and rehearsal is so important. If you prepare, you're removing nerves.

Speaker 1 You're setting yourself up to win. And so think about preparing like you're just building this muscle.

Speaker 1 It doesn't take the nerves away or the fear away or the stakes away, but by God, it's going to help these tools work because you will have the preparation.

Speaker 1 There's this really famous quote that I love. It's by Charlie Bird Parker.
I don't even know if this is a real story, but I love this quote.

Speaker 1 Apparently, Charlie Bird Parker, the famous jazz musician, was asked by a journalist, how the hell do you do what you do with that horn? And you know what Charlie Bird Parker said?

Speaker 1 He said, well,

Speaker 1 first you got to learn your instrument.

Speaker 1 And that takes

Speaker 1 years,

Speaker 1 decades of practice.

Speaker 1 You got to study it. You got to rehearse.
You got to do your scales. You got to practice over and over and over and over and over again until you learn that instrument.

Speaker 1 And then you forget all that shit they taught you and you just wail.

Speaker 1 And so preparation

Speaker 1 allows you to tap into your genius. Preparation is what allows you to improv, to freestyle, to be fully expressed the highest you, to channel, to tap into something.
And it's in there in you.

Speaker 1 That's why you feel this push-pull and this desire to show up more in your life.

Speaker 1 So I spent all this time preparing and I showed up and there are moments in your life

Speaker 1 that really matter. And this was one of them.

Speaker 1 I met

Speaker 1 this moment. I stepped on that stage in 2013 with my neck rash and my rosy cheeks and my dry mouth and I fucking destroyed it

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 I had prepared because I was afraid. Now,

Speaker 1 I also had the biggest wardrobe failure I have ever had on a stage.

Speaker 1 So I wore this dress because at the time I was a commentator for CNN and I used to wear this dress all the time on CNN.

Speaker 1 And I thought, okay, if somebody's paying you that money, you got to look like you're on TV. So I wore this like kind of power lady dress.
You can already imagine it, right?

Speaker 1 It's got like sort of the V-neck V-neck and the pencil skirt and it's hard to walk in. It looks good on television, but you're not moving and you're sitting in a chair.

Speaker 1 I had never looked at it with a light behind me. And at the end of the speech, I just fillet this thing.
I walk off that stage.

Speaker 1 It was the first time I'd ever been projected on a jumbotron in an arena.

Speaker 1 And After the speech, this woman came up to me. She was darling.
She's like, oh my God, oh my God, I love the five-second role. Thank you so much for those.
It was amazing. I'm like, Oh my god,

Speaker 1 I'm going to pay my mortgage this month. This is great.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 she said, You are so great. I have to tell you something.
And I'm like, What? She said, Don't ever wear that dress again. I said, Why?

Speaker 1 She said, I don't even want to tell you this. I said, What?

Speaker 1 She said, I could not only see that you were wearing spanks, but that you had a thong on underneath them. That dress is so see-through, and you could see it all on the Jumbotron.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 We went from winning to wanting to melt and crawl into a hole, but fuck it. You know, honestly, when you fuck up, you know what the research shows? People like you more.

Speaker 1 That, by the way, is called the Pratt Fall effect, that your imperfections make you more likable, more trustworthy. It makes you as an expert be somebody that people lean toward.

Speaker 1 And you've had this experience, haven't you? Where you might have somebody that's got a PhD that's a know-it-all that's really snooty and talking down to you.

Speaker 1 You're kind of like, I don't want to learn from you.

Speaker 1 But when you got somebody that is, you know, on a stage or teaching you something or just somebody you meet, if there's something that humanizes them, it so builds trust.

Speaker 1 And that's an important thing to understand because the idea here is not that you're going to get it perfect. It's that you're willing to try.
So maybe that's why I destroyed it. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Everyone was rooting for me because you could see the spanks and the thong underneath the dress.

Speaker 1 But that dress went in the freaking trash can at the hotel, never to see the light of day again, although I hope somebody pulled it out and used it.

Speaker 1 But I never looked back from that moment because Darren, who booked me, had been in this business for 20 years.

Speaker 1 And he said, I got to tell you, you are top three of all time and the single best female speaker I have ever seen in my entire life. Who manages your business? And I said, you do.

Speaker 1 And he has run my speaking business ever since. And so along the way, it took me several years to truly get over my nerves.
And I don't get nervous, but I do care about how I perform when

Speaker 1 I am stepping on a stage or I'm behind this mic.

Speaker 1 But I have come up with incredible ways to not only face my fear of public speaking, but to conquer it and to use science and really amazing mental reframes to tame those nerves.

Speaker 1 All right, let's hit pause. When we come back, I've got a really cool surprise coming up and I don't even know how this is going to go.

Speaker 1 As I said, I'm in Dallas and while I was taping this, I got a text from a woman who is a keynote speaker.

Speaker 1 She's from Venezuela and she spoke today at this huge conference in Dallas with 3,000 women at it that I am the closing keynote speaker for.

Speaker 1 And I guess she has been following my career and she's always wanted to meet me. And I love meeting other speakers on the corporate circuit.
I love supporting other people who are up and coming.

Speaker 1 I want to get as many diverse and female voices on these stages as I possibly can. And so if I can make the time, I always do.
Do you know what her specialty is?

Speaker 1 What she teaches Google and Microsoft and people around the world, how to conquer your fears. Are you kidding me? Is that not synchronicity?

Speaker 1 So I'm going to take a quick pause for our sponsors. And when we come back, you're going to hear the moment she knocks on the door of my hotel room.
I've never met this woman.

Speaker 1 Her name is Michelle Poehler. She's a best-selling author.
And her book is called Hello Fears, Crush Your Comfort Zone and Become Who You're Meant to Be.

Speaker 1 And the book documents her doing a hundred things that she's afraid of. And here's like, it's just unbelievable to me that she teaches people around the world about conquering their fears.

Speaker 1 And here we are.

Speaker 1 Doing a podcast in real time, and she is on her way up, and she's going to tell you the best tips for conquering your fear.

Speaker 1 And sometimes, you know, I feel like God, the universe, whatever you believe, so has our back on this podcast, making things happen, having these synchronicities happen.

Speaker 1 I cannot wait for her to get up here because I feel like it is meant to be. We'll be right back.

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Speaker 1 All right. It's Mel

Speaker 1 and Michelle Poehler's about to walk in. I've never met her.
I hope this is good. I'm sure it will be.

Speaker 1 You know what's amazing? This entire podcast is one giant trust fall. I'm like, you know what, we're going to do? We're going to talk about

Speaker 1 the number one fear in the world, which is public speaking. And

Speaker 1 I went to sit down. I get this text.
It's from a woman who wrote a book called Hello Fear that's speaking at the same thing as me. And I think in life, you got to learn how to trust fall.

Speaker 1 You got to take that step forward

Speaker 1 before you're ready. There's that famous Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr. quote about how

Speaker 1 I'm going to just completely get this wrong, but it's about how you don't need to see the whole staircase. You just need to take that first step, and the staircase appears.
And it is so true.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's why I'm so excited for this. And I'm even starting to get nervous because I'm looking at my phone, and she has two hours to catch a flight.

Speaker 1 And she's speaking at another event across the country tomorrow morning, so she can't miss it. We got like 10 minutes to squeeze this in.
10 minutes, but I'm doing a trust fall, and so is she.

Speaker 1 Are they here?

Speaker 1 Really? They're here?

Speaker 1 Knock on the door.

Speaker 1 Hey!

Speaker 1 Welcome to Mel Hobby's podcast. See your spell.
All right, you sit down because we're going to make short, we're going to make fast words. Yes, yes, yes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 This is crazy. It's really crazy.
I love it. Okay.
There she is. You're so cute.
Yeah, thanks.

Speaker 1 Amazing.

Speaker 3 Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 I'm a huge fan. Well, we're now huge fans of yours.
Good.

Speaker 1 I love it.

Speaker 1 Okay. So we're talking about

Speaker 1 fear.

Speaker 3 Yes, my favorite topic.

Speaker 1 Hello fears. Crush your comfort zone and become who you're meant to be.

Speaker 3 Hello fears, yeah.

Speaker 1 What made you decide that you were going to conquer your fears by facing a hundred fears in a hundred days? Like, why on earth did you do that?

Speaker 3 Oh my gosh, because I moved to New York, the city of my dreams, and I was not living my dream because I was too much in my comfort zone. And I heard this song by One Republic that called I Lived.

Speaker 3 And they're saying about all the bones they broke and the hearts they broke. And I'm like, I've never broken a bone in my life or a heart or whatever.
I'm like, I'm not living.

Speaker 3 I started crying because I realized like I'm alive, but I'm not living. And I want to live my life.

Speaker 1 Okay, hold on. That was a big one.

Speaker 1 I'm alive, but I'm not living.

Speaker 1 I think a ton of people just went, shit.

Speaker 1 I'm alive, but I'm not living.

Speaker 3 And I was checking all the boxes. I was doing all the right things.
I had a good job. I was already married.
I was living in New York. You know, everything was like in paper perfect.

Speaker 3 But I wonder, am I happy or am I comfortable?

Speaker 3 And that's very different.

Speaker 1 Yes. So you go to your husband.
What's his name? Adam. You turn to Adam and say, even though we've got this dialed in,

Speaker 1 I've decided I'm going to go and face my fears for 100 days. Yeah.
Did he look at you and say,

Speaker 1 absolutely? Yeah. You're crazy.

Speaker 3 No, he said, I'll support you 100%. I'll help you face all your fears.

Speaker 1 Wow. So did you take like leave from your job or what did you do?

Speaker 3 No, it's, it was,

Speaker 1 you, you cannot imagine.

Speaker 3 I was every single day, I would wake up really early either to face a fear in the morning, then I would go to my job. I was in advertising.

Speaker 3 And then I was doing a master's in branding at the School of Visual Arts in New York every single day of the week.

Speaker 3 So I would have to either face a fear early in the morning during my lunchtime before I go to the master's or right after like at 10 p.m.

Speaker 3 And then every day I would come back, edit a video and upload that to YouTube, put it on all the social media channels and then go to bed for like three, four hours and then go back.

Speaker 1 You know what this proves?

Speaker 1 This proves that if you feel like you don't have enough time, you don't have a big enough exciting game to play. And there's even research about this.

Speaker 1 that ironically, if you're super, super busy, the best way to reclaim your time is by adding in something really meaningful or challenging. And that's exactly what you did.

Speaker 3 Yes, yeah, yeah. What was the scariest thing that you did out of the hundred? I will tell you something.
I get that question. I just got it today, speaking twice.

Speaker 3 And it's really hard to answer because the biggest fear is the one you haven't conquered, is the one you haven't faced.

Speaker 3 So if you asked me this in the middle of the challenge, I would say the next 50 fears, right?

Speaker 3 But now looking back, I can't even choose one because this is how my everyday would look like. I would be like, okay, today was not that bad.

Speaker 1 Tomorrow I will die.

Speaker 3 And the next day, same thing. Okay, not that bad.
Tomorrow I will be the worst one. And then it was never.

Speaker 1 Well, what was the one that you

Speaker 1 had the most anticipatory? Holy shit, I might actually die if I do this.

Speaker 3 Well, you will not guess my answer, but it's stand-up comedy.

Speaker 3 It was so scary doing stand-up comedy. So much more scary than I could ever imagine in a club in New York in front of a real audience.
That was so scary.

Speaker 3 More than like skydiving and even posing nude in front of a drawing class. That was a really tough one.

Speaker 3 nude in front of a drawing class yeah that was one of the scariest ones so what was that like it was really transformational the whole experience because when i started i was so self-aware i wanted to be as skinny as i can and like hide all my imperfections and then slowly as the time progressed what i realized is that i'm not giving anything to the audience i want to draw something interesting because I'm just here thinking about myself.

Speaker 1 So are you sitting there like cross legs,

Speaker 1 arms across your boobs? You know, like that's my good chin angle. Like that kind of thing.

Speaker 3 Yes. And then when I saw the other models, there, they were all like, they have curves and hair everywhere.
And I'm like,

Speaker 1 and I shaved before coming here.

Speaker 3 So I started like bending more and creating interesting shapes. And I was like, it's not about me, it's about them.
And at the end, no one's judging us in the same way that we judge ourselves.

Speaker 1 Why is it important for the person that is listening to us right now, driving their car, walking by themselves?

Speaker 1 Why is it important for that human being to face their fear?

Speaker 3 I think the most important thing is that we get to live our most authentic lives.

Speaker 1 How is fear the access to your most authentic life?

Speaker 3 Because we hide ourselves. We hide who we are.
We hide our needs because it is scary to speak up. It is scary to show ourselves.

Speaker 3 It is scary to experience rejection, you know, when we show who we really are. And we will experience rejection when we show who we really are.

Speaker 3 But, you know, it's not a matter of being liked by everybody.

Speaker 3 It's a matter of resonating with the right people and attracting to you and to your life the right kind of people, the people that value who you really are.

Speaker 3 So you don't have to hide or create like this fake filter of yourself.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh. I just had this huge insight that I want to share with everyone listening.
And it's about the nude modeling experience that you just described. So

Speaker 1 you you had a breakthrough when you realized that the art students weren't judging you. In fact, they appreciated everything about you, every nook, every cranny, every

Speaker 1 last part of your body that you had just shaved, everything about you.

Speaker 1 And that made you realize that you were the one judging yourself. They weren't.
And you know what it goes to show you? It shows you the power of being surrounded by supportive people.

Speaker 1 And it never would have even occurred to me that modeling nude would teach you that.

Speaker 1 See, I thought the lesson would be about you just being able to sit nude in front of strangers for an hour, but it was about something so much more profound.

Speaker 1 It's about the power of other people supporting you. Wow.
What did you learn about yourself

Speaker 1 by

Speaker 1 doing

Speaker 1 the 100 Days, 100 Fears project?

Speaker 3 So I learned that that feeling that you get when you're about to face a fear you know that feeling it's in your heart and it's telling you don't do it don't do it that's like probably your ego trying to protect you from facing rejection or embarrassment or like losing your job or whatever it is um i always like um perceived that feeling as a sign that my body's telling me don't go that way.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 After facing my fears and going through that feeling over and over again,

Speaker 3 what I see is that that's also the feeling that tells you that there's growth in there. And I never saw it like that.

Speaker 3 So I ran away every single time and I missed out on so many opportunities because I was like, nope, my intuition.

Speaker 3 I thought it was my intuition, but it was just, I think, my ego or whatever it is that's trying to protect me from facing my fears. I thought they were, you know, telling me not to go that way.

Speaker 3 And it was exactly where I had to go. So now every time I experience that and I feel uncomfortable, I choose growth.

Speaker 1 So I get that question a lot. and I would love to hear your answer or any tool that you may have for somebody who doesn't know the difference between true intuition

Speaker 1 and fear that's holding them back from reaching their potential. What's a tool or a technique somebody can use to try to tease that difference out?

Speaker 3 Whenever I'm about to do something that is outside of my comfort zone and I have that feeling, immediately I can see how my body is telling me, don't do it.

Speaker 3 And all of these fears and negative thoughts start to pop into my brain and it builds like a brick wall and I can't see past that and it's only when you focus on the rewards that you get to see past those fears so a lot of people will ask you the question what's the worst that can happen right and then that's a really bad question do not ask that question because you'll see the worst what I ask people is now change the question to what's the best that can happen that's the only way you will get to see the rewards that are expecting you in the other side of fear and if those rewards are not really exciting for you, then maybe that's a fear not worth facing.

Speaker 3 But if they are, then you have to go for it despite the fear that it may bring.

Speaker 1 I love that reframe because you're right. When somebody says, well, what's the worst thing that could happen?

Speaker 1 It actually has you laser focus on a fear, which magnifies even the smallest worst thing that could happen.

Speaker 1 But when you reframe it to, well, what's the best thing that could happen?

Speaker 3 You see things in a whole different way. Just today, I spoke three times at this event and it was a new presentation.

Speaker 1 So, I was so nervous.

Speaker 3 And I told this to my community: I'm like, I'm really nervous. I'm giving out this new presentation, new material.
And somebody asked, Michelle, what's the best that can happen?

Speaker 3 Because I know that's my language. And it helped me so much, so much.

Speaker 3 I immediately imagine my room full of people, people clapping, people laughing, people being inspired, even crying, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1 I'm like, I'm ready. I'm ready for this.
So, I'd love to get your advice

Speaker 1 because we've been talking about the fear of public speaking

Speaker 1 and how terrified so many people are of public speaking, and not even just getting on a stage, but even just sharing an idea in a meeting at work, yeah, or starting a hard conversation, or that moment where you're at a meeting at school and you want to say something, but your fear holds you back and keeps you silent.

Speaker 1 What advice do you have

Speaker 1 to help somebody learn how to conquer their fear of speaking either on a stage or at work or being more vocal in life?

Speaker 3 For me, what helps me the most is to feel like I own my story, to make it ownable. Even if you have to share the profits of the year or whatever, share your personal story behind that.

Speaker 3 Like attach some of your, you know, your journey to whatever you want to share. For example, it's so easy to go on Google and

Speaker 3 research what am I going to talk about? Let me talk about this topic.

Speaker 1 And Google will tell you the answer.

Speaker 3 And then anybody can Google that same answer. Yes.
But only you can share a very personal story about that.

Speaker 3 For example, when they invited me to speak at Facebook, they asked me specifically to talk about the imposter syndrome. Like everybody here experiences that, please talk about it.

Speaker 3 And I started researching what's the imposter syndrome, how to get over the imposter syndrome. And I started adding that to my presentation.
And I'm like, what I doing?

Speaker 3 I'm just repeating what Google is telling me. Is that like even legal? No, like I should be talking from my own experience.
So I thought, when was a time where I experienced the imposter syndrome?

Speaker 3 And what helped me in that moment? I added that story to my presentation. And even today, I shared, like, I've been sharing that story for seven years.

Speaker 1 What is the story? Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 3 it was a time where I was just starting as a speaker.

Speaker 1 How old are you? I, not that long ago.

Speaker 3 I was, it was after the 100-day project, so I faced 100 fears. The last one was to speak on TEDx, and that's what launched my career as a speaker, and that was in 2015.

Speaker 3 So, I started speaking in 2016, let's say.

Speaker 3 And so, I, they hired me to speak at ESPN. And I was very nervous, very, very excited.
And then, the speaker that went right before me was the most exceptional speaker you can think of.

Speaker 3 And guess what? She was also the first speaker today at the event. So, full circle.
Yes. Hi, Carla.
Yeah. So, she was amazing.
She was exceptional. And then I had to follow that act.

Speaker 3 And I was so nervous because I was, I experienced the imposter syndrome. I'm like, if that's a speaker, I'm not a speaker.
Like, I'm not that. And I was just starting.

Speaker 3 So I felt very intimidated by her. And I thought, I have to be more like her.
I have to be more polished. I have to speak perfect English.
I have to answer better.

Speaker 3 Like, she's answering all these awesome questions. Like, it was horrible, that feeling of comparison, right?

Speaker 3 And then after the event, I went to the happy hour and I was hesitant to go, but I'm so glad that I went because that night, so many people approached me to tell me that I was also one of the highlights of the day for them and that they appreciated how real I was.

Speaker 3 And what I thought was like my imperfect side of myself was exactly what resonated with them. So the more real you are, the more you can own your authentic self, your story.

Speaker 3 That's what people want to hear more than anything else.

Speaker 1 Amazing. I know you have a plane to catch.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's crazy.

Speaker 1 It is so crazy. Thank you for reaching out to me.

Speaker 1 I am thrilled that you did. I love supporting other women on the corporate stage.
Any final words?

Speaker 3 Any final words? What's the best that can happen?

Speaker 1 What's the best that can happen? Hello, fears.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Hello, fears.

Speaker 1 Thank you. So that was Michelle.
Wasn't she just fantastic? Oh my gosh. I just loved that.
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Speaker 1 Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins, and today I'm bringing you to work.
We are facing our fears.

Speaker 1 And in just a minute, you are going to be joining me at the Dallas Convention Center, where I'm going to be speaking to almost 3,000 executives in the food service industry.

Speaker 1 And we're talking about how you face your fears and why you got to just trustfall into life.

Speaker 1 Now, before we jump over to the Convention Center, I wanted to take a moment and just highlight a few really important takeaways and lessons that I want to be sure that you got as you were listening to that really fun and spontaneous conversation that I had with Michelle in my hotel room.

Speaker 1 So remember how Michelle was talking about how she was alive, but she wasn't living.

Speaker 1 So I want to ask you, are there aspects in your life where you're that way too?

Speaker 1 Where you feel alive, but you're just not living. There's something bigger, a higher purpose, more self-expression that's available to you.

Speaker 1 You know it, but it's only available if you're willing to do that trust fall, to face your fears, because at some point you have to stop gripping if you're truly going to live.

Speaker 1 And so number one, I want you to follow Michelle's example. First of all, she reached out to me.

Speaker 1 And I'm sure there were a little bit of fear and trepidation there when she did, because as she told you, I'm somebody that she really looks up to.

Speaker 1 And I bet you've had the experience of texting people that you admire and they don't respond at all. So here she DMs me.
And that's one example of a trust fall in life and facing your fear.

Speaker 1 And then I, of course, respond, I'm like, yeah, come by. And she says, okay.

Speaker 1 And even though she's only got two hours to catch a flight and she's got to go across country for work, she comes here alone. There's another trust fall.

Speaker 1 And by the way, I told her, oh, yeah, when you stop by, I'm going to have the mics ready because I want to ask you a few questions.

Speaker 1 And instead of being like, uh-uh-uh, she was like, okay, I'm in, trust fall. And didn't you love how when she showed up, she just went with it and she poured herself into you and you loved her energy.

Speaker 1 And I want to tell you something, you root for somebody like that because you are experiencing somebody who is facing their fears, tapping into their energy.

Speaker 1 And I am here to tell you, there is that same energy, that same aliveness, that vibrancy that is inside of you. And it's going to come alive when you face your fears.
And it could look like anything.

Speaker 1 There's something that that you want to do. I know my son wants to go skydiving for his 18th birthday.
I made him a promise I'd do it with him.

Speaker 1 It is my biggest fear other than being buried alive, but I do not want to do it. I'm starting to feel a little bit of vomit in the back of my throat and a nervous stomach, just even thinking about it.

Speaker 1 But I'm going to do it because I also want to reach and experience the full potential of my life. And I know every time that fear holds me back, I'm limiting myself.

Speaker 1 And you are doing the exact same thing.

Speaker 1 It is time to stop just being alive and truly start living. You have a big, beautiful, amazing life that is just waiting for you to trust fall into it.
Remember what Michelle said? Ask yourself this.

Speaker 1 What's the best thing that could happen? What if it all works out? Because when you place a bet on your life and on yourself,

Speaker 1 something magical happens. It always does.
And speaking of magical things, now I want to take you to work with me. Let's you and I go to the Dallas Convention Center.
I'm there.

Speaker 1 I'm the closing keynote speaker. There's going to be 3,000 women executives from the food service industry attending a leadership conference that I'm giving a keynote address at.

Speaker 1 I'm about to finish our rehearsal, and I've got about a half an hour before they open the doors and let the audience come come in. So let's go.

Speaker 1 I am here at the Dallas Convention Center. And right now, it's quiet because they have not opened the doors for the audience.
And so we just had our tech rehearsal before the event.

Speaker 1 And I'm standing here on stage. I want to thank Amy for sitting here with me and running this portable equipment so I could talk to you.

Speaker 1 And I thought that I would take advantage of this very quiet moment to tell you a couple tips that will help you manage your fear. Number one, you need to know why facing this fear matters to you.

Speaker 1 If you don't have a reason why you want to face it, for example, facing my fear of jumping out of a plane with our son on his 18th birthday, here's why it matters to me to do that, even though I am literally terrified to do that.

Speaker 1 The reason why this matters to me is I don't want my fear to rob me of missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime experience with Oakley, our two daughters, and my husband. That is going to be so incredible.

Speaker 1 They're going to talk about it for the rest of my lifetime. And I want to be there and I don't want my fear to stop me from doing it.

Speaker 1 And the reason why identifying your fear is so important is because it's not until you have a reason why this matters to you that you are actually going to push yourself to do it.

Speaker 1 Now, the second thing that you should do that is going to help you manage your fears is

Speaker 1 always remind yourself that there is a much greater purpose to conquering this fear of yours. And oftentimes, you won't know the reason why until years from now.
And you got to trust that.

Speaker 1 See, you need to face this. Because someday the story of you telling other people about you facing it, it's going to change someone else's life.
It will be exactly what they need to hear.

Speaker 1 And so, if you're afraid of speaking in public, do what I do. I imagine that there is just one person that I'm speaking to in that audience.

Speaker 1 So, for example, today, there are going to be 3,000 people in the audience. But before I take the stage, number one, I remind myself why it matters to me to do this.
And then, number two,

Speaker 1 I remind myself that I'm only just talking to the one person out there who needs to hear what I'm about to say today.

Speaker 1 I literally, I'm not kidding, I forget about the other 2,999 people because they don't matter.

Speaker 1 And so if you're going to do your first live stream ever for your business and you're going to put yourself out there, you are doing it for the one person that needs to hear it.

Speaker 1 When your crabby sister-in-law logs on, do not freak out because you're not talking to her.

Speaker 1 You are sharing your story and you're facing your fear because you know there's one person that is looking for the encouragement or the story or whatever it is, the guidance that you're about to give.

Speaker 1 So let me give you another example. Let's say you want to make a difference in your local community and there is this really big town hall meeting coming up about a very important issue in your town.

Speaker 1 And you will be able to face your fears and stand up in that town hall meeting. And you will be able to share what you believe because you will know why this matters to you.

Speaker 1 And you will also tell yourself that there is one person in that audience, in that town hall, just one person that really needed you to stand up and say what you were going to say.

Speaker 1 They needed to hear you say it out loud. You want to know why? Because they were too scared to.
So you're actually conquering your fear for both of you.

Speaker 1 And don't ever forget that you can be nervous and still speak. You can be afraid and still jump out of that plane.

Speaker 1 You can be on edge and stand up at the town hall meeting and share your feelings on an important issue. You can do that.

Speaker 1 And your life is going to expand in ways that you don't even realize when you start doing it. And now I want to move into tool number three.

Speaker 1 So tool number three is something I've been using for, boy, the past seven years. It's really incredible.
And it comes from research at Harvard Medical School. It's a simple reframe.

Speaker 1 And here's how it works. The next time you're feeling nervous and those butterflies kick in, just start telling yourself, I'm so excited.
I'm so excited to jump out of this plane.

Speaker 1 I'm so excited to stand up at town hall and share my opinion. I'm so excited to take this test, to give this speech.
Now, this mind trick has hard science and research behind it.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to link to the study from Harvard. It's entitled Reframing Performance Anxiety.

Speaker 1 So you definitely want to share this with kids or anybody that is doing anything at a competitive level and they get like the jitters before they're about to do a track meet or play in a football game.

Speaker 1 In short, here's what they learned based on the research. You and I can trick our brains into believing that we're actually excited to do something.
that we're really nervous to do. I kid you not.

Speaker 1 It makes no sense, but once I explain this in detail, you're not only going to trust it, you're going to know why it works.

Speaker 1 It has to do with how your body experiences feelings of nervousness and excitement.

Speaker 1 So when you feel nervous or excited, have you ever noticed how you hyper-focus on that thing that's making you nervous or excited? I'm so excited to go on this date tonight.

Speaker 1 And it's all you think about. And you work yourself up into a tizzy.
Like you can't think about anything else as the date gets closer and closer and closer.

Speaker 1 And you're excited about it, but your head is spinning and your stomach is in knots and your armpits are sweating through the outfit that you're going to wear.

Speaker 1 Or what about, oh my God, I'm so nervous for this interview tomorrow. Oh, I really want this job.
And it's all you think about.

Speaker 1 And then you work yourself up into a tizzy and your stomach gets in knots and you sweat through the shirt that you're going to wear because you're thinking about it and thinking about it.

Speaker 1 And it's like you hyper focus on it. Well, guess what?

Speaker 1 Nervousness and excitement,

Speaker 1 they're literally opposite sides of the exact same coin. Nervousness and excitement are two emotions that

Speaker 1 make you go into hyper focus.

Speaker 1 What they're doing is they're triggering you to get really alert and focused on something that's about to happen.

Speaker 1 And the problem with nervousness is that when you get too nervous, you screw up.

Speaker 1 And so excitement is something that you want to feel because excitement is when you're hyper focused, but you're positive about it.

Speaker 1 And according to the research at Harvard, you and I can easily flip our brains into thinking that you're excited for that interview, even though you feel nervous about it.

Speaker 1 And the reason why that matters is that if you can stay in a mindset that you're excited, you won't derail your performance.

Speaker 1 You will be able to face the nerves and the fear, and you will be able to not only conquer it, but you'll be able to perform like a rock star.

Speaker 1 And this is so important, this reframing, that I want to go deeper. I want to truly explain what's happening in your body, particularly when it's a situation that makes you nervous.

Speaker 1 You're going on a really high stakes interview, or you've never spoken in public and you really want to stand up and speak about the zoning issue in town hall. This really matters to you.

Speaker 1 Or you really want to show up and do that thing with your family. You do not want to keep missing out.
This really matters to you. And you do not want to let nervousness.

Speaker 1 take over because it will escalate into fear and paralyze you. And so let's dig into what is truly happening in your body when you're nervous

Speaker 1 because,

Speaker 1 again, you're learning that nervousness and excitement are super closely related. They make you hyper-focus, and we're going to use that to our advantage.
So let's start with nervousness.

Speaker 1 The thing about nervousness is nervousness is just your body trying to get you into an alert state because

Speaker 1 what you're about to do requires you to concentrate. So for example, you get nervous before before a test because it's important and you have to concentrate and you care about the outcome.

Speaker 1 That's what nerves are about. It's about getting you to get into an alert state.

Speaker 1 Now, let me explain why your stomach has butterflies when you're nervous and why you have to pee and why your heart races and why your armpits sweat.

Speaker 1 This is all part of an automatic response in your body to either something that is exciting or something that is stressful.

Speaker 1 And when you roll back the clock in terms of evolution and you take a look at stress, we could spend hours and hours and hours talking about this, but I'm just going to boil it down so that you have enough understanding to trust what I'm telling you about why reframing nerves works.

Speaker 1 This is from research at Harvard Medical School. And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because

Speaker 1 there's no physiological difference in your body between a moment that's stressful and a moment that's exciting. Your body has the same alert response to it.

Speaker 1 All of the blood goes to your heart, it goes to your brain, and that means it leaves your digestive tract because honestly, you don't need to be digesting food if you're going to take a test.

Speaker 1 You don't need to be digesting food if you're going to sing on a stage. You don't need to be digesting food if you're going to give a speech.

Speaker 1 So the blood goes to to your heart so that you can, you know, move and it goes to your brain so you can think. And I'm dumbing this down.

Speaker 1 I realize there's a lot more complex science, but just the chemical structure, physiological structure changes. That's where the butterflies come in.

Speaker 1 See, the butterflies aren't there because you're nervous or excited. The butterflies are there because the blood flow increased to your heart, which is why your heart is racing.

Speaker 1 And the butterflies are due to that chemical change from the blood going to the heart and not being in the digestive tract. That's what that is, dude.

Speaker 1 That's also why you have to pee, because you're not going to need to pee on stage. You're not going to need to pee while you're singing.

Speaker 1 And so your body has this natural response in exciting or stressful situations to dump what's ere in your bladder or in your bowels. Why?

Speaker 1 So that you can focus and so that you can run faster, perform better. That's why this happens.

Speaker 1 And so one of the mistakes that people make is that when they get nervous and they start getting butterflies, you think the butterflies are a sign that you're about to fuck up.

Speaker 1 No, it's a sign that your body's getting ready to do something. And you get to decide whether you call the thing you're about to do exciting or scary.

Speaker 1 This is from research at Harvard Medical School where they studied people in situations that made them nervous, job interviews, giving a speech, participating in a debate competition, singing, and running in a track meet.

Speaker 1 And they taught all of these people to tell themselves they were excited to do the thing that made them nervous and it helped them perform better.

Speaker 1 And the reason why reframing stressful situations into excitement works is because there's no difference between you walking onto a stage and your heart racing and your armpits sweating and your throat being dry and your stomach being,

Speaker 1 whoops, see, we are backstage. We're going to let the applause die down.
And your stomach being in knots.

Speaker 1 Which is a situation that makes you nervous or you going to a concert and your favorite brand I can't wait to see Cole play this fall.

Speaker 1 When they take that stage, let me tell you something, right before they come on, I'm going to have to pee, they're going to be pterodactyls in my stomach, my armpits are going to be sweating, my heart's going to be racing, but I'm excited because I said I'm excited.

Speaker 1 So, reframing works. And here's the really important reason why this matters.
Not only are you not going to freak yourself out by going, Oh my God, my stomach said lots of us really,

Speaker 1 which only increases how stressed you are, by the way.

Speaker 1 But by telling yourself you're excited, you stabilize yourself. Your thoughts don't race.
And so

Speaker 1 I think they're getting close. So I got to short change this science lesson right now.
And I realize it's very elementary, but I want you to understand why you get butterflies.

Speaker 1 And it's not because you're about to fuck up, it's because you're about to do something that you can do and that matters. So go freaking do it, which is what I'm going to do.
Let's do this.

Speaker 1 All right, ladies, get ready because I'm about to come on stage.

Speaker 1 Please welcome the Indian

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 one more thing. It's the legal language.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 1 It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

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