Take Control of Your Mindset: Master Your Mental Habits for a Happier Life

Speaker 1 breakdowns are inevitable and repair bills add up fast. That's why an American Home Shield warranty is a new homeowner sanity saver.

Speaker 1 AHS repairs or replaces covered parts of systems and appliances, no matter their age. And as a benefit with select plans, you can video chat with live repair experts.

Speaker 1 American Home Shield, don't worry, be warranty. Get 20% off any plan at ahs.com slash MEL and see promo details.

Speaker 1 See ahs.com slash contracts for coverage details, including service fees, limitations, and exclusions. The Mel Robbins podcast is brought to you by Sheridan.

Speaker 1 You know what's the most overlooked hotel amenity? The lobby. Usually it's just where you check in and check out, but that's all changed with Sheridan's lobbies.

Speaker 1 Redesigned as a place to work, relax, recharge. The community table doubles as your co-working space by day, your team's hangout spot at night.
Need quiet? Duck into a soundproof booth.

Speaker 1 With co-workers, reserve a tech-enabled studio space. And the all-day cafe, and more by Sheridan, fuels you for all of it.
Sheridan, the world's gathering place. Part of Marriott Bonvoy.

Speaker 1 Booked now via Sheridan.com. You know it's the holidays when the flannel shows up.
First for picking out the tree, then for decorating with music on and boxes of ornaments everywhere.

Speaker 1 Then for that movie night where everyone falls asleep with hot cocoa in the hand. It's there when you're baking cookies.
Still on you while you're wrapping gifts late at night.

Speaker 1 and it's still going strong the next morning while you're making pancakes. That same flannel ends up in the family photo.
Somehow, everyone's in matching flannel. No one planned it.

Speaker 1 But flannel's like that. It's not loud.
It's not trying to impress anyone. It just shows up again and again, year after year, and becomes part of everything that matters.

Speaker 1 That's the magic of LL Bean Flannel. It's soft, it's sturdy, you wear it once, and it just sticks.
It becomes becomes part of the season, and it makes it better.

Speaker 1 Go check out LL Bean Flannel, invited to the holidays since 1912.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel Robbins, and today we're talking Mindset Reset on the Mel Robbins podcast. Let's go.

Speaker 1 I'm really excited for today's show because Mindset Reset is one of my favorite topics.

Speaker 1 In fact, for years, I taught a course online that I created called Mindset Reset, all about the science of reprogramming the default soundtrack in your mind.

Speaker 1 More than half a million people have taken that online course. I'm really proud of it.
And today, I'm going to bring some of the teaching right to this podcast as I coach.

Speaker 1 two listeners who are struggling with their mindset. If you're brand new to the podcast, I'm Mel Robbins.
Welcome. I am one of the world's leading experts on behavior change, motivation, and habits.

Speaker 1 I'm also a New York Times best-selling author. If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, I just want to take a minute before we jump into these live coaching sessions to thank you.

Speaker 1 I always say this is our podcast, and I mean it. I couldn't be doing this without you, without you listening, without you sharing, without you submitting topics, sending me videos in the DMs.

Speaker 1 You are a critical part of the success of this podcast. And I always envisioned that this would would just be like, you know, taking a walk with a friend.

Speaker 1 But you have taken this to an entirely different level. And so from the bottom of my heart, I want to say thank you.
You are a force for good in people's lives around the world.

Speaker 1 Thank you for sharing this show. Thank you for listening.
Thank you for making our podcast a life-changing. Zero-cost resource for people.
And today is going to be no different.

Speaker 1 Today, we're going to do something really cool. You're going to listen in on two live, raw, real coaching sessions.

Speaker 1 These are coaching sessions with listeners just like you who are struggling with the critical voice in their head.

Speaker 1 The first coaching session is with a woman named Poppy who grew up with very, very critical parents.

Speaker 1 And what's happened is since her parents were so critical when she was little, She is now incredibly critical of herself and she's sick of it. She wants to evict that jerk in her head.

Speaker 1 Then we're going to move on to a second listener who is realizing by listening to this podcast that she has been surrounded by narcissists her entire life.

Speaker 1 And they have beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault.

Speaker 1 And we're going to talk about the steps she needs to take in order to evict that jerk in her head and program in a positive new soundtrack. one that is all her own, that is empowering.

Speaker 1 So that's what we're doing today. I invite you to pull up a seat.
You are going to laugh. You're going to feel seen.
You're going to feel empowered.

Speaker 1 You're going to leave with tactical tools and a step-by-step process

Speaker 1 for giving yourself a mindset reset.

Speaker 1 So let's get into it with our first coaching session with Poppy, who wrote to me asking for advice on how to change her mindset and get her parents' critical voices out of her head once and for all.

Speaker 1 Hi, Poppy. Hi, Mel.
How can I help you?

Speaker 3 So like, how does one turn off that voice that's, you know, been programmed into our head, telling us that, you know, our needs, our emotions don't matter and we must cater to theirs?

Speaker 3 How do you turn that off?

Speaker 1 Okay, it's an excellent question. And you don't turn it off.

Speaker 1 You have to lay a new soundtrack.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 If you think about the default mindset, almost like a playlist that runs in the background,

Speaker 1 that it's almost hard to make it go silent. It's much easier to put a new playlist in there.
Great. And so there are two tricks I'm going to give you.

Speaker 1 Well, before I get into the tricks, I just want to acknowledge something.

Speaker 1 Great job recognizing that the default

Speaker 1 thinking

Speaker 1 doesn't serve you in your life now.

Speaker 1 So the fact that you recognize, wow, I have this way of thinking that I don't want in my life, and I'm going to do something about it. So, that's enormous and it's amazing.

Speaker 1 Can you tell me, what does this default soundtrack sound like?

Speaker 1 What does it say to you?

Speaker 3 So,

Speaker 3 it says that, you know,

Speaker 3 whenever I put myself first

Speaker 3 and don't put, you know, other people first,

Speaker 3 I'm selfish. Or if I want to do something for myself, it's never going to succeed.

Speaker 1 Did somebody tell you that?

Speaker 3 Yes, my parents, actually.

Speaker 1 All right. So thank you for admitting that.

Speaker 1 And the reason why your parents, told you that is because their parents probably told them that.

Speaker 1 and so

Speaker 1 they probably thought that they were protecting you and instead they sentenced you

Speaker 1 to a way of thinking that makes you feel terrible right

Speaker 1 and so when you can recognize who the programming comes from it also helps Because then you can separate yourself from that voice because it's not your voice. It's your parents' voice.

Speaker 1 And you have a chance to break this chain. You have the chance to be the one that this playlist dies with.

Speaker 1 You have the chance to create a whole new way of thinking and talking to yourself. And that's incredible.

Speaker 1 The first thing that you said is that you have a belief because somebody programmed this into your mind that runs on default that putting yourself first is selfish. Correct?

Speaker 1 Right. How does that impact your life?

Speaker 3 I get burnout basically.

Speaker 1 If you

Speaker 1 could

Speaker 1 program a different belief, what would the belief be?

Speaker 3 That, you know,

Speaker 3 worth it basically, it's okay for me to take care of myself. It's okay for me to have emotions.
It's okay for me to just be me.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I love this. Your whole life's about to change because not only is it okay,

Speaker 1 I deserve

Speaker 1 to feel how I feel. Right.
The main mantra I want you to have is, I deserve to be happy. Does this make me happy?

Speaker 1 I deserve.

Speaker 1 to feel happy. Does this make me happy?

Speaker 1 What would change in your life if you started to tell yourself over and over every single morning when you start your day i deserve to be happy today what would change if you believed that happiness was something you deserved

Speaker 3 wow um

Speaker 3 i think that my day-to-day would be a lot better basically i would actually you know get to cross off all the lists that I put down on my to-do list. I would have self-confidence.

Speaker 3 I would be able to go out and have a great day with friends.

Speaker 3 I notice that I hold myself back a lot because of what's been programmed in my head and I'm done with that, you know?

Speaker 1 Well, I'm glad you recognize it. That's a huge step.
Most of us sleepwalk through life and don't even realize that we have been trained as little kids to make everybody around us happy.

Speaker 1 And that it's your job to make people happy. It's your job to keep people satisfied.
It's your job to make sure nobody's disappointed with you.

Speaker 1 And part of the problem is, is that underneath what your story is, which is it's selfish to put myself first,

Speaker 1 you have an uglier story. And the uglier story, which I recognize because I had this one too, is people will be mad at me if I put myself first.
There will be consequences if I do what's good for me.

Speaker 1 And so that's what you're really wrestling with, is that you've connected taking care of yourself with somebody pulling their love away.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 1 And that's why you're scared to put yourself first.

Speaker 1 This goes way deeper. And so you're doing fantastic on behalf of all of us by recognizing that your own thinking is holding yourself back.
And I can tell you're just sick of it.

Speaker 1 And so here's what you have to start to do. Number one, I want you to name the voice.

Speaker 3 Name it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, give it a name.

Speaker 1 Sally, Sue, Jocko, Raul, Michael. We got to name this thing.

Speaker 3 Oh, boy.

Speaker 3 Vicki, I guess.

Speaker 1 Vicki. Okay.

Speaker 1 So when this default programming comes up,

Speaker 1 you're going to talk back to Vicky.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And literally, you can even physically, when you feel yourself holding yourself back, that's the signal that this is default programming. You're going to turn toward Vicky.

Speaker 1 Let me like, literally, I want you to turn your body and you're going to look as if Vicky's there. And you're going to be like, shut up, Vicky.

Speaker 1 Right. Now I want to hear you do it.

Speaker 3 Shut up, Vicky.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but if you

Speaker 1 don't make your boss happy,

Speaker 1 nobody's going to love you.

Speaker 1 Tell her, shut up.

Speaker 3 Shut up.

Speaker 1 If you

Speaker 1 don't do exactly what your parents want, they're going to be disappointed.

Speaker 3 Shut up.

Speaker 1 Say it louder. I don't believe you.

Speaker 3 Shut up.

Speaker 1 Say her name.

Speaker 3 Shut up, Vicki.

Speaker 1 You don't want to believe this shit, Vicki's saying, right?

Speaker 3 Nope.

Speaker 1 What do you want to believe?

Speaker 3 And myself.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Your parents want you to be happy.
They don't know how to make you happy. So they're just telling you what their parents told them.
I'm not saying it's right.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying this is what people do.

Speaker 1 You are now an adult. You're not to blame for the crap, the malarkey, the garbage, the gunk, gunk, the generational trauma shit that your parents put in your brain.

Speaker 1 You're responsible now that you're an adult for reprogramming this. And so whenever your mind tells you something that you don't want to think, shut up, Vicki.

Speaker 1 I believe that if I'm happy, my parents are going to think they won the lottery. I don't believe that.
I believe that if I put myself first, I'm going to do better at work.

Speaker 1 Shut up, Vicki.

Speaker 1 What the hell? You're not paying my rent. Shut up, Vicki.

Speaker 1 You're not going to the party. I'm not taking you with you.
There's no plus one on this invitation. Shut up, Vicki.

Speaker 1 By distancing yourself and talking back to it, it loses its power over you. And what also starts to happen is the filter in your brain, the RAS, it's now noticing, oh, you actually care

Speaker 1 about empowering yourself.

Speaker 1 And you're going to see more and more reasons to put yourself first. But it really does start with, with

Speaker 1 you got to delete that song, shut up, Vicki, shut up, Vicki, shut up, Vicki on the playlist in your mind from the past. And you've got to insert

Speaker 1 the new programming you want to run on default, which is, I deserve to be happy. My parents are proud of me for being me.

Speaker 1 Nobody's disappointed in me. And if they are, I'm an adult.
I can freaking handle it. And I got to start taking care of myself because I deserve that.
Those are your beliefs, period.

Speaker 1 And whenever you start to feel like, here you go, holding yourself back, shut up, Vicki.

Speaker 3 Shut up, Vicki.

Speaker 1 And you'll notice the more you do this and you take ownership for programming your mind, the less Vicki's going to show up.

Speaker 1 Okay. I mean it.

Speaker 1 Right. I really mean it.
If you believed in yourself, what's one change you would make that would improve your life?

Speaker 3 I would be less intense, I would say.

Speaker 1 Why are you intense?

Speaker 3 Because,

Speaker 3 well, just a little story for you. Like, I'm an immigrant, and so are my parents.
And they are very tough on me. They're very toxic because of, you know, culture.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 they feel the need to raise me a certain way. But in terms of, you know, living in America, what they're doing to me is very toxic and abusive.

Speaker 3 So i'm just like always living on the edge basically yeah and if i could just you know embrace myself i think i would be a more relaxed person yes so are you open to some coaching yes great

Speaker 1 let's do that when we come back

Speaker 1 When our daughter Kendall moved into her first apartment, she called and she's like, mom, I need help. I have no furniture.
I have no clue where to start.

Speaker 1 I live across the country from you, like a five-hour plane ride. What do I do? So we jumped on FaceTime and started scrolling through Ashley.com together.
We found so many styles that we loved.

Speaker 1 And boom, beautiful couch, great price point. And now I don't need to worry about her.
I also added an end table, a coffee table, a lamp.

Speaker 1 I mean, if you love the look, you should love the whole look, right?

Speaker 1 Together on Ashley.com, we could build the perfect space and I could give her the support I wanted to when she moved into her place.

Speaker 1 She ended up falling in love with the clean lines and soft fabric of the sofa from the Alyssa Court Collection. I just feel so grateful.
Big shout out to Ashley.com.

Speaker 1 You took what was a stressful situation into a really incredible experience together. Visit your local Ashley store or head to Ashley.com to find your style.
How do you show love for your cat?

Speaker 1 Have you thrown her a birthday party? Taken him for a walk in a cat backpack? Built him his own catio? Sometimes love for your cat can get lost in translation.

Speaker 1 Wellness pet food transforms your love for your cat into real, visible benefits through complete and balanced meals they can taste and crave.

Speaker 1 From real shreds of chicken and fish in wellness appetizing entrees, to protein-packed culinary crafted recipes with wellness signature selects, to over 90 mouth-watering options in wellness complete health, there's a delicious dish for every feline family member.

Speaker 1 Every wellness pet food recipe is crafted with premium ingredients to promote whole body health so you and your cat can enjoy a life of well-being together.

Speaker 1 Give your cat vet recommended scientifically proven nutrition with wellness cat food. That's the kind of love you both understand.
Wellness pet food, feed well, be well.

Speaker 1 Have you ever thought about the direct impact your shower water has on your skin and hair?

Speaker 1 Like most people, you probably spend a lot on skincare and hair care, but the real issue is the quality of your shower water. That's where Jolie Filtered Shower Head comes in.

Speaker 1 Jolie is a beauty wellness company with a clinically proven filtered shower head that removes chlorine and heavy metals to improve your skin and hair.

Speaker 1 It installs in minutes, fits all showers, looks great, and has amazing pressure. For the first time ever, Jolie is offering an exclusive 20% off discount.

Speaker 1 This is the perfect opportunity to give yourself or someone special a gift that will get used every day and truly transform everyday routines. Head to jolie skinco.com slash mel to get 20% off.

Speaker 1 That's jolie skin, j-o-l-i-e skinco.com slash mel for 20% off. And if you or your loved one doesn't love it, you can return it for a full refund within 60 days, no questions asked.

Speaker 1 Also available at Amazon, get JolieNow.

Speaker 4 Traditional healthcare can leave you with more questions than answers.

Speaker 4 That's why function goes deeper, deeper, providing access to powerful data about your health and clear, actionable insights from top doctors.

Speaker 4 With a Function membership, you can test over 100 biomarkers a year, including hormones, toxins, and inflammation.

Speaker 4 That's five times more than the average annual physical and no gatekeeping or long wait times. You can also add MRI and CT scans that look for signs of hundreds of conditions.

Speaker 4 Function doesn't push supplements or pharmaceuticals. It's just powerful, unbiased data designed to help you own your health.
Get started for just $4.99 a year.

Speaker 4 Learn more and join using this show's link. Function is the new essential health check, and this show's first 1,000 listeners get a $100 credit toward their membership.

Speaker 4 Visit functionhealth.com/slash Mel Robbins or use gift code Melrobbins100 at sign up to own your health. That's functionhealth.com/slash Mel Robbins or use gift code Melrobbins100 at sign up.

Speaker 1 Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins.

Speaker 1 And today on the podcast, I'm teaching you and two listeners how to give yourself a mindset reset, which you now know is the process where you intentionally identify the negative soundtrack from your past that's been playing in your head since childhood and making a decision to override it with a positive, new soundtrack for your adult life.

Speaker 1 Why? Because you deserve this.

Speaker 1 You need to have a positive soundtrack because your thoughts, when you repeat them, they become your beliefs and your beliefs, they become your actions and your actions turn into your habits and your habits define who you are.

Speaker 1 And that's why it's critical to change your thoughts because of what they ultimately trigger.

Speaker 1 Now, Poppy, who you've been listening to, has a very harsh, critical soundtrack that's been playing in her mind from her tough immigrant parents.

Speaker 1 and it's been wearing her down since she was a little girl.

Speaker 1 Now that she's an adult, it's her job to delete that old toxic soundtrack, get rid of that critical voice, and lay down a new soundtrack, something that she wants to listen to, something that empowers her.

Speaker 1 Because when you change your thoughts, You start to change everything. And Poppy, when you do that, you're going to relax.

Speaker 1 And the reason why you feel so intense and so stressed and and so on edge is because your parents and your childhood, it trained you to believe that at any moment, something could go wrong.

Speaker 1 And that's your lived experience. That is real.

Speaker 1 That happened.

Speaker 1 And that is what happened during your childhood. And it will also help you if you can

Speaker 1 lose the word word toxic. Like unless your parents are abusing you, and I don't know that they are or they're not, but if you lose the word toxic

Speaker 1 and you amplify a little compassion and you say, hmm,

Speaker 1 I'm not saying what my parents are doing is right. I'm not saying that they didn't cause issues for me emotionally and mentally and psychologically, but they did the best that they could.

Speaker 1 And I bet it was kind of hard to immigrate here. And I bet it was really hard for them.
And I bet the stakes did feel high. And they felt like outsiders.
And they felt like they couldn't mess up.

Speaker 1 And I bet they took all of that stress that was their lived experience and out of fear and love, they aimed it at you.

Speaker 1 Right. And the reason why I want you to drop the word toxic is because I see this word thrown all over the internet.

Speaker 1 And it's a very divisive word, particularly if you want to improve your relationship with the people who are engaged in behavior that feels toxic.

Speaker 1 And so I think your parents probably did the best they could

Speaker 1 with their experiences in life and with the situation that they were in.

Speaker 1 And that if they truly understood what it was like for you as a child, they'd be mortified and horrified and they'd feel terrible.

Speaker 1 Is that a fair assessment?

Speaker 3 I guess for some parts. Okay.

Speaker 1 So I don't want to have you have to go in through your whole family history, but if there's, you know, abuse and that kind of stuff, then yeah, that is toxic and you do need boundaries and you'll figure that out with your therapist.

Speaker 1 But when it comes to not adding more pressure on yourself,

Speaker 1 adding a little compassion so that it doesn't feel so personal

Speaker 1 and accepting the fact that this was a form of like emotional abuse for you that stressed you the hell out. You have this toxic stress in your body.
You feel on edge all the time.

Speaker 1 You can

Speaker 1 change this.

Speaker 1 And you can also change this and change the dynamic with your parents. And the way that you change the dynamics with your parents is by taking responsibility for how you show up for yourself.

Speaker 1 There's always kind of two people in a relationship.

Speaker 1 When you change, the energy that you bring into that relationship is going to change, and they're going to have no choice but to change in reaction to it.

Speaker 1 That's how this creates a major ripple effect because it has held you hostage for far too long.

Speaker 1 And you have the chance to not only heal yourself, but to heal this pattern that's been passed down through your family.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 What are you thinking?

Speaker 3 So for right now,

Speaker 3 we're not really on speaking terms. Yes, they have abused me physically, emotionally, mentally.
It's bad. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 And you said in your note to me when you reached out that you are currently seeking professional help.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Since you're not on speaking terms and you're seeking therapeutic help, let's first say this. I am proud of you

Speaker 1 for getting the help that you need.

Speaker 1 And I am proud of you for drawing boundaries that put you first.

Speaker 1 And drawing boundaries that put you first is an example of you believing that you're worthy and that you deserve to be happy. And that's amazing.
Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 1 And when you continue to start to evict

Speaker 1 the bully that's in your head by naming that bully and talking back to that bully, you will start to hear and reclaim the most powerful voice on the planet, your own.

Speaker 1 Period.

Speaker 1 And you don't need to worry about your parents.

Speaker 1 The time will come, if it ever comes, when you will feel

Speaker 1 strong enough, confident enough, secure enough, and safe enough to reconnect with them if that's what you choose to do.

Speaker 1 And if you choose to never do that, that's okay too

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 you deserve to be happy.

Speaker 1 You do.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 What did you get from this conversation?

Speaker 3 Basically, to have more compassion for others as well as myself.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 part of learning to accept yourself is being compassionate.

Speaker 1 Compassion for self is super important. You don't have to excuse

Speaker 1 what somebody did.

Speaker 1 But when you seek to kind of understand what was going on, both for yourself, for other people, when you bring compassion to it, that's where you open the door to true power for yourself and where you take control and responsibility for what happens in your life moving forward.

Speaker 1 You get to decide what happens next. And when you start to change the way that you speak to yourself, Again, your whole mindset's going to change.

Speaker 1 And that will be what empowers you to create a new relationship if that's what you decide to do in the future.

Speaker 1 But what you're doing right now is you're actually working on the most important relationship on the planet. And that's the one you have with yourself.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Awesome.

Speaker 3 Thank you so much, Mel.

Speaker 1 I'm really proud of you. Thank you.
And thank you for telling me what you told me because you actually saying, wait a minute. I can hear what you're saying, but there was physical abuse here, Mel.

Speaker 1 That's you putting yourself first.

Speaker 1 That's another example of how strong you are.

Speaker 3 Thank you. You're welcome.
I love you, Mel.

Speaker 1 I love you too.

Speaker 1 You're awesome, Poppy. And next up, you're going to hear from a fellow podcast listener who's been impacted by the negativity of narcissism.
And she's sick of it.

Speaker 1 And we're going to talk about what steps she can take and what steps you can take too when we come back.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something. No one wakes up fearless.
Confidence is built one decision at a time.

Speaker 1 You take a breath, you push yourself a little bit forward every day, and then you wake up and you do it again the next day. That's how growth happens.

Speaker 1 So, if you're ready to take on a challenge, the Defender is too. It's not just a vehicle, it's a statement.
The Defender is built for people who push boundaries.

Speaker 1 Whether you're heading into the wild or sneaking away for the weekend, it's ready for whatever adventure you dream up.

Speaker 1 This is an icon, reimagined, rugged and purpose-built on the outside with modern comfort and smart design inside.

Speaker 1 Durable materials, extreme testing, and next-level tech, 3D surround cameras, clear sight views, intuitive displays, and driver aids that make even tight parking feel like a breeze.

Speaker 1 And there's a defender for every kind of explorer. The Defender 90 is a compact two-door powerhouse city-ready with serious grit.

Speaker 1 The Defender 110 balances off-road capability with on-road comfort and the Defender 130, room for eight and gear to match for the journeys that demand more.

Speaker 1 Explore the full Defender lineup at Landroverusa.com.

Speaker 1 With an increase in parties and social gatherings coming up, the last thing you want is to spend a ton of time doing your makeup only for it to end up looking caked on. Look.

Speaker 1 Jones Road Beauty makes it easy to create an effortless, no-makeup makeup look.

Speaker 1 The Jones Road Beauty Miracle Bomb is a true multitasker that can be used as a a tint, blush, bronzer, highlight, or on the lips. It's effortless, natural, and actually good for your skin.

Speaker 1 This holiday season, simplify your routine with makeup that's clean, strategic, and multifunctional. And don't miss out on their limited edition holiday sets.

Speaker 1 They won't be here for long, and once they're gone, they're gone. Also, as a treat for our listeners, that's you.

Speaker 1 You'll get a free, cool gloss on your first purchase when you use code MEL at checkout. Just head to jonesroadbeauty.com and use code MEL at checkout.

Speaker 1 After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show, the Mel Robbins podcast, and tell them our show sent you.

Speaker 4 Traditional healthcare can leave you with more questions than answers.

Speaker 4 That's why function goes deeper, providing access to powerful data about your health and clear, actionable insights from top doctors.

Speaker 4 With a function membership, you can test over 100 biomarkers a year, including hormones, toxins, and inflammation.

Speaker 4 That's five times more than the average annual physical and no gatekeeping or long wait times. You can also add MRI and CT scans that look for signs of hundreds of conditions.

Speaker 4 Function doesn't push supplements or pharmaceuticals. It's just powerful, unbiased data designed to help you own your health.
Get started for just $4.99 a year.

Speaker 4 Learn more and join using this show's link. Function is the new essential health check, and this show's first 1,000 listeners get a $100 credit toward their membership.

Speaker 4 Visit functionhealth.com/slash Melrobbins or use gift code Mel Robbins100 at sign up to own your health. That's functionhealth.com slash Mel Robbins or use gift code Mel Robbins100 at sign up.

Speaker 1 Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins.
Today, you and I are talking about a mindset reset, which is when you identify the negative default programming that's been in your mind since childhood.

Speaker 1 You know, that critical voice constantly chirping away in the background. You're never good enough.
Oh, you didn't get that right. You look fat today.

Speaker 1 Once you identify that negative default programming, you can erase that bully. You can evict that bully.
And more importantly, you can program a new positive mindset, soundtrack, voice in its place.

Speaker 1 Well, Diane wrote in because she's realizing that she's been surrounded by narcissists her entire life and they've beaten her up to a point where she believes everything is her fault.

Speaker 1 And even though her narcissistic ex-husband is in the rearview mirror, his voice is still in her head.

Speaker 1 Hi, Diane.

Speaker 3 Hi.

Speaker 2 My question comes more of what about when this kind of programming and voices are from spouses, friends, employers?

Speaker 2 You know, and they're just basically building on what your parents or other people have said.

Speaker 1 Great question.

Speaker 1 So the question is,

Speaker 1 what if you've got programming from childhood that now is

Speaker 1 basically being reinforced by colleagues, bosses, spouses, friend group,

Speaker 1 blah bity, blah bity, blah?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 1 What is the

Speaker 1 kind of default negative thing that you say to yourself?

Speaker 2 It's definitely not good enough. And who the heck do you think you are?

Speaker 1 Ooh, the who the heck do you think you are? That has a real bite to it.

Speaker 1 Yes, it does. Yeah, it does.
So

Speaker 1 I don't know why I'm going to ask you this, but I'm going to ask you this.

Speaker 1 Were either of your parents on the narcissism personality disorder by chance

Speaker 1 spectrum?

Speaker 2 Well, pretty close. I would say yes, one of them for sure.

Speaker 1 And the reason why I say that is because the who do you think you are

Speaker 1 has a very hostile

Speaker 1 nature to it. So I would imagine, and again, I'm just guessing,

Speaker 1 just guessing here, that there was a level of either hostility or fighting or outbursts or eruptions that were very chaotic for you when you were a little kid happening with the adults in your house.

Speaker 2 I've blocked out a lot.

Speaker 2 I remember more of my adulthood where my ex was a narcissist.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 2 You know, definitely.

Speaker 1 Yep. Okay.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 am not surprised that you blocked a lot of childhood out

Speaker 1 because

Speaker 1 what happens

Speaker 1 is that when you're in a situation that is extremely stressful as a young kid, because the adults around you can't be trusted or they're erratic or whatever the situation may be,

Speaker 1 you live in a state of fight or flight, and the alarm system in your body is going off.

Speaker 1 And when you are on edge, and the alarm system in your nervous system is going off because you don't feel safe around the adults in the house, it impairs the cognitive functioning in your brain.

Speaker 1 This comes from research out of UCLA. Dr.
Judith Willis has studied extensively how nervous system

Speaker 1 dysregulation impacts impacts the brain's ability to function. And so if you're busy managing this toxic stress in your body as a kid, your brain's not actually present to make memories.

Speaker 1 And so super normal to not have a lot of memories, by the way.

Speaker 1 I do not have a lot of memories from my childhood, from high school, from college, from law school, because I was in a constant state of anxiety. Never present in the room to make memories there.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 what I

Speaker 1 want to tell you first is the good news.

Speaker 1 So the good news is, even though you have been the victim of being with a narcissist and you have had a childhood that was fraught with all kinds of stuff, you can change your brain.

Speaker 1 You can learn how to calm your nervous system.

Speaker 1 And you can absolutely change the programming in your mind. And I want you

Speaker 1 to relate to the programming in your mind as if it was deliberately put there.

Speaker 1 Because even though a narcissist or somebody with a narcissistic personality is not deliberately doing this to you,

Speaker 1 they are so incapable of empathy, they're not even considering you and me.

Speaker 1 We're objects.

Speaker 1 They're just doing what they're doing, but we get damaged in the way that we think about about ourselves when you're around somebody like that because you think you're the problem.

Speaker 1 You think that if there was something different about you, then everything would be okay. And lots of people with a narcissistic personality issue, they actually tell you that you're the problem.

Speaker 1 And so, this was a deliberate programming in your mind at the hands of other adults. Now, the good news is you're an adult and you can take deliberate steps to reprogram your mind.

Speaker 1 And I'm going straight for like boom in the face on this because I want you to realize that you got to get deliberate about this.

Speaker 1 That somebody else trained you to think this way. And it is a level of being deliberate as if I said,

Speaker 1 You're going to move to Russia and you got to speak fluent Russian. I realize you spoke it.
How old are you?

Speaker 1 65. You've spoken English for 65 years.

Speaker 1 But for the rest of your life, we're going to speak Russian. We're going to speak Swahili.
We're going to speak a different language.

Speaker 1 And you can learn a different language. And learning to shut off the

Speaker 1 abusive voice in your head and teaching yourself through

Speaker 1 thought substitution a different

Speaker 1 language is what you're going to have to do.

Speaker 1 So that's number one.

Speaker 1 Number two,

Speaker 1 you're not going to overnight be able to look in a mirror like, I love myself. It doesn't work that way because you've had a lifetime of people telling you otherwise.

Speaker 1 And your brain will reject any mantra that you choose that you have actively tried to disprove.

Speaker 1 And so we got to pick something for you that you believe in the truth of it. And what I believe that everybody deserves is, I think you can say, I deserve to be happy, or I'm a good person

Speaker 1 who's trying her best.

Speaker 1 And I deserve to be happy. I'm a kind person who deserves respect.

Speaker 1 I am doing the best I can, and that's good enough. Like there are these mantras that kick the narcissist, you're not good enough, who do you think you are thing out of your head.

Speaker 1 And you can say something back that's like, hey, I'm a kind person, doing the best I can, and that's good enough. And that is enough of a rebuke.

Speaker 1 And it's believable enough, even when you're beaten down, that as you repeat it and repeat it and repeat it and repeat it to yourself, because you're going to have to, you will start to believe it.

Speaker 1 And one final thing that I wanted to say to you is that, you know how you said that the programming started with my parents and then it was an ex and then it was colleagues and then it was a boss?

Speaker 1 That may be true, but we've also got to start to do the work of catching the filter in your brain. So yes, your boss may be

Speaker 1 an erratic douche who calls out the things that are negative or is always in a grouchy mood.

Speaker 1 But that doesn't mean anything about you.

Speaker 1 This is where your filter and the programming in your mind scans the world and reads your boss's crappy mood as having to do with you.

Speaker 1 Because the narcissists in your life made you feel like everything was your fault. For all you know, your boss's wife is having an affair.
He's going through a tumultuous divorce.

Speaker 1 He's dealing with irritable bowel syndrome, which is why he's always grouchy.

Speaker 1 And he's a really sad, sack guy who can't get his shit together because he has childhood trauma, none of which has to do with you.

Speaker 1 But your programming in your mind makes you think

Speaker 1 everything's your fault. And that's also the part of the work that you're going to need to do.
You got to reprogram the words you say. Hey, I'm a kind person.
I'm doing the best I can.

Speaker 1 That's good enough. Or I deserve to be happy, especially after these assholes that were in my life.

Speaker 1 You can put a little sauce in in there.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, you can tell I like a little spicy mantra, like something that, you know, because if you don't quite believe it, if it doesn't loosen you up a little bit, that's not the right thing to say.

Speaker 1 Because most mantras are bullshit because people pick things like, I love myself. And then they spend the day going, you look like shit.

Speaker 1 Screw that. Like, no, you don't love yourself.
I need to give myself a break. I'm doing the best I can.
Now, there's a mantra I can get behind because I believe that.

Speaker 1 And so pick something believable, put a little edge or fun into it because it shakes the mood down a little bit.

Speaker 1 And then go to work on this filter that you have of making everything is your fault because it's freaking not.

Speaker 1 Your stupid parents and your dumb ex-husband, all of whom were mentally challenged with narcissistic personalities, made you think that horseshit.

Speaker 1 You're not to blame for that, but you have a responsibility to change the way you talk to yourself and to basically go, not everything's about me. Thank God.

Speaker 1 I I love that you're laughing now. You seem like

Speaker 1 why did you get out of this?

Speaker 2 I love the one thing, it's not everything's about me, period. It's not, it's not mine.
Not always, not all of it, you know, and

Speaker 2 really retraining the brain, really working through catching those filters,

Speaker 2 you know, and it's going to have to be one step at a time.

Speaker 1 That's it. And, and here's the thing: give yourself a fucking break.

Speaker 1 Seriously.

Speaker 1 Give yourself a break. Like have a little bit of compassion for you.
Wow. I got out of a marriage with a raging narcissist.
I'm pretty awesome.

Speaker 2 Yes, I am.

Speaker 1 Yes, you are.

Speaker 3 Yes, I am.

Speaker 1 Give yourself more credit. Let me hear you say your new mantra.

Speaker 2 Quit taking myself so seriously. I'm not getting out of this thing alive.

Speaker 1 It's true. This ends the same.
And how about adding, I might as well enjoy the rest of the ride?

Speaker 2 There we go. I may as well enjoy the rest of the ride.

Speaker 1 The first 65 kicked my ass. So let's have some fun the next 65.

Speaker 2 And they did. Oh, my lord.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but you're here laughing about it. That's more than most can say.

Speaker 1 And so

Speaker 1 I do believe the best days of your life are on the road ahead.

Speaker 1 I believe that.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 I'm believing it too.

Speaker 2 I'm getting there.

Speaker 1 Awesome. Well, you know, I'm here.
I'll be kicking your ass forward the whole way. Good.
Let's go. All right.
Go get them.

Speaker 1 If you were listening to that

Speaker 1 and you felt

Speaker 1 it deep in your body somewhere,

Speaker 1 I want you to know

Speaker 1 that when you have the revelation

Speaker 1 that the voice that you've listened to

Speaker 1 for years,

Speaker 1 the voice that's held you back, that made you feel like shit, that it's actually not even yours,

Speaker 1 that can make your heart seize for a minute. It's kind of one of those like, wait, wait, what?

Speaker 1 And then when I add on top of it, that you're not to blame for the crap that somebody programmed into your head.

Speaker 1 You were just a little person with three pounds of macaroni that was trying to absorb everything around it. And our brains love patterns and it picks up on patterns of speaking.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's what your brain did.

Speaker 1 And so if you're having this revelation, holy shit,

Speaker 1 I've thought that everything's my fault for my entire life because somebody made me believe it was and then I held on to that belief.

Speaker 1 Don't freak out.

Speaker 1 This is great news

Speaker 1 because so many people spend their entire lives not even realizing that it's possible to change the way you think. It is possible to put a new playlist in your mind.

Speaker 1 It is possible to filter the world completely differently and to make your brain work for you. Now, are you going to have positive thoughts all day long? No.

Speaker 1 Are you going to be like, you know,

Speaker 1 a thousand percent confident? No.

Speaker 1 But can you stop torturing yourself?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Can you start encouraging yourself? You better believe you can.

Speaker 1 Can you separate what your narcissistic piece of shit ex-spouse said to you from what you actually believe about yourself?

Speaker 1 That you want to believe about yourself? Yeah, you can.

Speaker 1 Can you do it overnight? No.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to work at this just like the people in your past worked over time at saying things to you that beat you down.

Speaker 1 This stuff takes hold over time. But the good news is your brain is super responsive.
And when you combine what you're learning about resetting your mind with

Speaker 1 healing your nervous system and the science of making

Speaker 1 and sticking to new habits, all of which you are absolutely smart enough and capable enough to apply to your life because your friend Mel Robbins, I am not going to make this scientific.

Speaker 1 I'm going to give you the science so that you know this stuff works and you can count on it and trust it, but I make this stuff so dead simple that literally your kids and I can do it.

Speaker 1 And so you can do everything

Speaker 1 that you are learning on the Mel Robbins podcast. You can change your mind.
You can kick the bully out of your head. You can program in new thoughts.

Speaker 1 You can actively work to change the reticular activity system in your brain, that network of neurons that filters the world.

Speaker 1 You can take better care of your brain. And taking care of your physical brain will also help the thoughts in your mind.
You can develop new healthy habits and you can do this.

Speaker 1 You can make it easier and you can heal your nervous system,

Speaker 1 which is the trifecta of transformation. We hit the habits, the mindset, and the nervous system.
Holy shit, you're like the terminator of transformation.

Speaker 1 You could do anything. I believe that.
I just have way too much evidence. And if you're cynical about that, take a look at who taught you to be cynical.

Speaker 1 Just because life hasn't worked out for you the way that you want it to up until this point, who fucking says it's not going to work out for you and the best days aren't ahead?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you who says, you do.

Speaker 1 You decide whether or not. you're going to continue to let all this crap you're not responsible for to hold you back or you're going to take responsibility for what happens next.

Speaker 1 Heal your nervous system. Change your mind.
You can do that and you don't have to spend a dollar to do it.

Speaker 1 Make new habits. Habits that actually help you get what you want, what you deserve.
You can do that and you do not have to spend money to do it. And one more thing.

Speaker 1 You can go beyond just listening and you can truly start doing. And I want to help.
I've created a brand new free training program called Take Control with Mel Robbins.

Speaker 1 I do this every single spring as a gift to all of my followers around the world and the folks on our newsletter list and to now you, our beloved podcast family.

Speaker 1 This is a three-part free video training and you can access it from melrobbins.com slash take control or there's a link right in the show notes.

Speaker 1 It has a very detailed and amazing workbook that our team put together.

Speaker 1 And in the free training, I am going to hold your hand and I am going to be your teacher and I am going to walk you through exercises that are backed by science that will help you take everything you just learned in these coaching sessions and apply it to your own life, to that voice in your head, and to the changes that you want to make.

Speaker 1 That's what we're going to do in part one.

Speaker 1 In part two, Oh my gosh, I'm going to show you the coolest thing because I brought all these amazing visual examples that will help you see how you process and think.

Speaker 1 And once you understand whether you're what I call a box stepper or a box jumper, you're now going to have the self-awareness to know how to identify what habits and what changes you could make in order to support you taking control.

Speaker 1 And then finally, training number three, it just brings it all home. And it helps you get super inspired and ready for action.
So how do you get this free training?

Speaker 1 Just go to melrobbins.com slash take control. You can also go to the show notes where absolutely every resource that we mention in these coaching sessions in today's episode are.

Speaker 1 And I do this because I believe in you and I know change is hard.

Speaker 1 But if you are jumping in with me as your coach and a quarter of a million people around the world who are also part of this amazing brand new training program that we've just launched, you're more likely to make it stick.

Speaker 1 And I so want that for you. That's why I'm here.

Speaker 1 I'm here to help you do these things. I'm here because I know it's possible.
I'm here because I'm trying to save you the headache of living with these negative thoughts as I have for 40 plus years.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to save you just the discomfort and the agitation and the horrible feeling of living with a dysregulated nervous system as I have done for over 45 years.

Speaker 1 And I am absolutely right here beside you, trying to make some new habits using this simple science. And so we got each other's back in this one.
But I want you to know change is possible.

Speaker 1 It's not only possible, you will make it happen. You just have to start to do the work.

Speaker 1 All right. I love you.
I believe in you and your ability. to take all these coaching sessions and apply them to your life right now.
And I can't wait to hear what you got out of this episode.

Speaker 1 Talk to you in a few days.

Speaker 1 Oh, one more thing. It's the legal language.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.

Speaker 1 It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

Speaker 5 At Capella University, learning online doesn't mean learning alone.

Speaker 6 You'll get support from people who care about your success, like your enrollment specialist, who gets to to know you and the goals you'd like to achieve.

Speaker 6 You'll also get a designated academic coach who's with you throughout your entire program. Plus, career coaches are available to help you navigate your professional goals.

Speaker 6 A different future is closer than you think with Capella University.

Speaker 5 Learn more at capella.edu.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel. If you love the Mel Robbins podcast, you're going to love this.

Speaker 1 If you want to hear all the new episodes ad-free, subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts on Apple Podcasts or visit SiriusXM/slash podcastplus to start your free trial today.