How to Handle Negative People: 6 Strategies to Protect Your Peace

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Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel. And today you and I are talking about how to be a force for good.
So get ready for a fun and energizing episode of the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 1 I am so excited for today. I'm Mel Robbins.
I'm a New York Times best-selling author and one of the world's leading experts on change and motivation and habits. And today,

Speaker 1 I am bringing it because we have got an important topic. I even put on a blazer and now I'm starting to overheat.
And so I'm going to get comfortable.

Speaker 1 You can hear me taking my blazer off because we're not going to be serious. But we are talking about a serious issue.

Speaker 1 Today, we are talking about how you can protect yourself from other people's bad moods, how you deal with annoying coworkers.

Speaker 1 And boy, oh boy, do we have a juicy question at the end of this from Celeste about gossip? And I'm so excited because, you know, we all have stories about dealing with people who are energy suckers.

Speaker 1 And I am bringing some stories today, but I want to make sure that you leave with some tools. And so one, you're going to learn how to put up an energetic force field.

Speaker 1 Two, we're going to talk about strategies for how you protect yourself from other people's baloney. And three,

Speaker 1 I'm going to teach you how to keep yourself in a positive mood because that means no matter what's going on around you, you can protect your own energy, even when people are testing your patience or trying to suck your energy dry.

Speaker 1 So let's jump right in with a question from a listener named Veronica.

Speaker 4 Hi, Mel. It's Veronica.

Speaker 4 In the workplace, and I'm sure in other spaces too, I find that there are some people who, whether they are conscious of it or not, project their panic and anger in emails and communications which more often than not turns my fine day into panic and anger as well they are people who kind of bring the house down with them how can you hear what they are saying and not be emotionally affected by it thank you

Speaker 1 veronica That example of the emails where you can hear the edge in somebody's voice and you're just like, why are you doing verbal diarrhea at me right now through this email?

Speaker 1 Because you you would not speak to me this way. And I have this story.

Speaker 1 So I was in Los Angeles last week and we were checking in at the front desk and this woman comes huffing and puffing from the elevators. Okay.

Speaker 1 And she's doing that kind of walk where people are really hustling and shuffling on the floor and their elbows are really pointy, like they're trying to pump their arms to make them walk even faster and with more authority.

Speaker 1 And she had this high pony and it was swinging in the air and she had a really fancy piece of luggage she was dragging and a duffel bag.

Speaker 1 And then there was this woman behind her, kind of huffing and puffing behind her, too. And they walk right up next to us at the front desk.

Speaker 1 And she kind of slams her hands on the table as Chris and I are in the middle of talking to the woman who's checking us in.

Speaker 1 Now, keep in mind, the woman who's checking us in, it's probably 9:15 at night in Los Angeles. She looks like

Speaker 1 she's probably 24.

Speaker 1 And I assume, given that I have a 24-year-old and a 22-year-old daughter, that she is probably a recent college grad who has majored in hospitality.

Speaker 1 And now she is in a two-year program where she is working in a hotel in a city she doesn't live in. And she's got that kind of big blazer on that doesn't fit quite right.

Speaker 1 And you can tell that she's exhausted. And so I got this huffy, puffy, annoying woman next to me who is clearly entitled and she's angry.
What is she angry about? Oh,

Speaker 1 well, the doors to her balcony,

Speaker 1 they don't close all the way.

Speaker 1 I didn't even know there were balconies on the rooms in this hotel. I mean, I'm not in that kind of room.
So she starts like venting at this woman.

Speaker 1 venting at this 24-year-old woman in a hospitality program who does not have the authority to do anything, who is clearly exhausted, and who, by the way, is not responsible for the door to your balcony not working.

Speaker 1 And so why are you vomiting on this poor gal? And you could see the life force

Speaker 1 just drain

Speaker 1 out of this woman who was standing at the front desk. And she

Speaker 1 apologized.

Speaker 1 She said she would get the manager who wasn't in and would be in in the morning. And then the woman huffed and she puffed.
Well, what are you going to do about it now? I can't stand you in the

Speaker 1 I can't stand people like this. There is no reason not to be kind to other people.

Speaker 1 There is no reason not to ask for help in a polite manner because the people that you're asking for help from almost Never are responsible for the thing that's not working.

Speaker 1 And the person that's emailing you at at work, who's all frustrated because the Q4 numbers and the boo-boo-boop boop and the client, this and the

Speaker 1 like, you're not responsible for the stuff that's stressing them out.

Speaker 1 And so here's what I did in that moment, because a couple things happened in that story. Number one, that woman's bitchy behavior and entitlement, it's like contagious.

Speaker 1 And when somebody's yelling at you, whether it's an email or you're separated by the front desk at the hotel that you're working at, it still gets all over you.

Speaker 1 I think about the visual almost like if you've ever walked your dog and they jump into like muddy water or they roll in the mud or heaven forbid you're walking on the beach and there's a big, nasty, rotting fish on the beach and your dog runs right up to it before you can get to the dog.

Speaker 1 And now your dog is rolling all in it and it's like,

Speaker 1 and then they run over to you. And what does a wet, dirty dog always do when that dog gets up to you? They shake.

Speaker 1 And when they shake, all of that negative, nasty, muddy fish, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It just hits you.
And when somebody is in a positive or a nasty mood, it's like a muddy dog shaking.

Speaker 1 And that energy gets all over you. And so it's critical in these moments that you protect your energy.

Speaker 1 And for me, I normally speak up when I see this kind of thing because normally I have really great energy and I'm not going to let somebody get away with that. But the truth is, I was really tired.

Speaker 1 I had just flown across country and we were in town to do something that was weighing on my mind and I just didn't want to get into a fight with somebody who clearly had an axe to grind with absolutely anybody.

Speaker 1 And I'm not going to change this person anyway. And so what I do in those moments, when I start seeing that muddy dog shake or the high ponytail start flapping her mouth and being rude

Speaker 1 is number one, I take a deep breath. That's it.
I just take a deep breath.

Speaker 1 And there's a breath technique that you can use called 478. I don't remember who came up with this.
We'll put it in the show notes. But you breathe in for four seconds,

Speaker 1 hold it for seven,

Speaker 1 then out for eight.

Speaker 1 And I read somewhere that the eight part is the most important because when you breathe out for longer than you breathed in, it sends a signal to your nervous system that it's okay to relax.

Speaker 1 And the four, seven, eight breathing technique will start the relaxation response in your body. And so if you get that all cap text from a friend, or you get that really rude email from a colleague,

Speaker 1 or you're standing somewhere in public and some jerk is annihilating the person and you just don't have the energy to go, hey, you know, you don't have to be rude about it.

Speaker 1 Do the four, seven, eight breathing technique to signal the relaxation response in your body to protect your energy. I have a second tactic that I love.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh, I love this.

Speaker 1 Here's the visual. I use this all the time.
In fact, I just used this in a different situation last night. I call it the snow globe.
So have you ever had a snow globe as a kid?

Speaker 1 You know, it's this glass ball and in it is usually some sort of scene. So imagine a holiday tree, some reindeer, something like that.
Or you could think about Cinderella's Palace at Disney.

Speaker 1 They probably have snow globes with Cinderella's Palace at Disney, right? What happens when you pick up a snow globe and you shake it? All of that crap in it starts flying around.

Speaker 1 You know what that crap is? It's like that wet dog mud.

Speaker 1 Think about a snow globe the next time. You are around anybody who gives you attitude.

Speaker 1 Because when you picture the person like the chick with the high ponytail trapped in her own little snow globe, and there she is bitching and barking about something and spewing her negative energy, if you picture her having her tantrum in a snow globe, let me out of here.

Speaker 1 And all of that sparkly stuff is what gets shaken up and all the negative energy. If you visualize her inside the snow globe, you can laugh at her and it doesn't get on you.

Speaker 1 This is something I use all the time. In fact, I just used this a few days ago and I'll tell you how right after the break.

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Speaker 1 Welcome back. I'm Mel Robbins and we're talking about ways to protect yourself from negative energy.
And I just shared one of my favorite strategies, the snow globe strategy.

Speaker 1 I use it all the time because it is so simple, it's effective, and you can pull it out the moment you need it. In fact, I used it just a few days ago.
Here's what happened.

Speaker 1 I was at a coffee shop, again, at another airport, and we were standing in line and we ordered coffee and they were super, super busy. And it was taking a long time.

Speaker 1 We had 20 minutes before the flight was going to leave. And Chris was getting testy with me because he's the kind of person, my husband, that we have the opposite travel languages.

Speaker 1 My travel language is be the last person on the plane. Get to the gate as...
late as possible without missing the plane. Spend as little time in the airport as possible.

Speaker 1 Chris, on the other hand, he basically likes to stroll through an airport. He likes to sit at the gate for a while and get comfortable and read his book and enjoy his coffee.

Speaker 1 He loves getting there early. And so we have the exact opposite travel language.
He has agreed to stand in this long line with me to get a cup of coffee.

Speaker 1 He's starting to get agitated, not quite snow globe. agitated, but you know, you can tell he's getting nervous and his coffee comes out.

Speaker 1 And so I say, why don't you take it and go and hold the plane for me? I'll be right there.

Speaker 1 So he leaves. And now it's taking a minute and another minute and another minute.
And I start to realize, holy cow, I'm going to miss this plane.

Speaker 1 And so I go to the counter and I say to the woman who's, they are really busy. I mean, you can tell she's stressed.
And I just lean forward and say, hey, is the drink for Mel about to be done?

Speaker 1 Because otherwise I'm going to just have to, you know, say, give it to somebody. And she, ah, like she had a tantrum.
I'm doing the best I can. See, when somebody throws a tantrum, here's what I know.

Speaker 1 What I know is they're having trouble tolerating all the negative emotion that they're feeling. This woman behind the counter is feeling a ton of pressure.
She's behind. She's frustrated.

Speaker 1 I'm sure other people have been rude to her. And my

Speaker 1 question to her, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. She just couldn't handle the negativity and the stress anymore in her body.
And so she had a tantrum. She exploded at me.
Whatever.

Speaker 1 She's allowed to have a tantrum. It's a stressful job.
I get it.

Speaker 1 And because I can picture her inside her own little snow globe, having her own little tantrum, all the sparkly stuff flying all around her, that's her negative energy. It stays inside the snow globe.

Speaker 1 I said, no problem, totally understand. And I left and went to my plane.
And you know what? I didn't let it bother me. And that's the beauty of these strategies.

Speaker 1 See, there are always going to be people and situations in life that are triggering. The world is full of jerks and people who cannot tolerate their own emotional experience.

Speaker 1 And when you do the four, seven, eight breath to trigger a relaxation response inside yourself, you take control.

Speaker 1 When you visualize the colleagues sitting behind their desk and they're stomping on their keyboard, having their own little tantrum in their little cubicle, inside their little snow globe,

Speaker 1 you protect yourself.

Speaker 1 And that way, these emotional vampires that drain you and your energy, they don't impact you.

Speaker 1 And this is so important because when you look at the research around human connection, our brains are programmed to connect with other human beings. That's how we're wired.

Speaker 1 It's part of our biology, our physiology.

Speaker 1 We want meaningful bonds because when we do that, it not only feels good, but your brain releases oxytocin, which is a wonderful feel-good chemical in your brain. It rewards that kind of thing.

Speaker 1 And if we feel disconnected, we feel unsafe. In fact, if we're around somebody else who's stressful or weird or hostile, like the chick with the ponytail, do you know what happens?

Speaker 1 Your brain releases yet another chemical, the stress hormone. And so you immediately not only sense that something's off with this person, but you also have this chemical physiological response.

Speaker 1 I think that's why we often label people's behavior as toxic or icky or gross, because it feels that way to you, just like a dog that is shaking and gets their mud all over you.

Speaker 1 And I think we know common sense-wise, that people's moods and energy are contagious, but there's a new study by scientists at Oxford and Birmingham universities that show that bad moods, they're not only contagious, they're more infectious than good moods.

Speaker 1 And on top of all of this, your brain has something called mirror neurons.

Speaker 1 Mirror neurons are amazing because what they do is in nanoseconds, they process and register any human being's facial expression, body language, tone of voice. It's absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 1 Your mirror neurons make you start to mirror the same emotions as the people around you.

Speaker 1 This is why when you're watching a movie and that sort of sappy music comes on or somebody in the movie starts to cry,

Speaker 1 your mirror neurons are what are triggering you to start welling up too.

Speaker 1 They also work for the positive. If you look at somebody eye to eye and you hold eye contact, and you flash a huge toothy smile.

Speaker 1 It takes less than five seconds for the mirror neurons and the person who you are looking at and smiling at to kick in. And that person will not be able to help themselves but smile back.

Speaker 1 And this is important for you to know because it works both for the good. You can catch really good energy.
And when it comes to bad energy, that's easier to catch.

Speaker 1 Now I want to go a layer deeper and dig into how to deal with this specifically at work with a question from a listener named Kay.

Speaker 6 Hi, Mel.

Speaker 1 It's Kay.

Speaker 6 I want to become empowered to improve my work situation. So I want to ask you about unhealthy work environments and the side effects they manifest.
Where should I start making changes?

Speaker 1 Well, one thing I want to acknowledge really quickly is that you do have the power to change this because positive energy is also very contagious. And if you protect your energy,

Speaker 1 you can take proactive steps to call people out on their behavior. That's what we're going to talk about now.

Speaker 1 And I want to bring a study into this because there was a new study by the Workforce Institute at UKG that found that 69%

Speaker 1 of people say that their managers have the greatest impact on their mental health, that their managers had the same level of impact on their mental health as their partner or spouse at home.

Speaker 1 Now, this was more than the impact that their doctor or therapist had on their mental health. And this was a huge study.
They looked at 3,400 people across 10 countries. And so you are right.

Speaker 1 Negative people at work, particularly a manager, really bad for your mental health because you can't fix them. So in these situations at work,

Speaker 1 You have a couple choices. Number one, we've already talked about the snow globe.
This one works like a charm because it allows you to visualize the tantrum

Speaker 1 and it makes you feel a little bit better than the person, honestly. So that's one thing.
A second thing that you can do is you are allowed to call people out on this behavior.

Speaker 1 In the first question that we got, you heard the example of somebody getting a really rude email. There's nothing wrong with picking up the phone.
or walking down the hall and saying,

Speaker 1 hey, is something going on with you?

Speaker 1 Because I don't know if you know how the tone of this email comes across, but it doesn't feel good.

Speaker 1 And most people, when you call them out on that and you kind of start off with, hey, is something going on with you? Because this isn't like you and the tone is really demeaning.

Speaker 1 And is there something you want to tell me? Or are you unaware that this is like how you're speaking to people?

Speaker 1 That is the way that you can call somebody out.

Speaker 1 And obviously, if you have have somebody that is engaging in this consistently, document it, go to HR, because you shouldn't be under a barrage of that kind of abusive language or demeaning language or unnecessary pressure.

Speaker 1 That's not why you're in your job.

Speaker 1 And so you can go to HR, but you can walk down the hall, you can pick up the phone and you can say, I'm more than happy to help you with these things, but only if you speak to me in a respectful manner.

Speaker 1 And this is not respectful. And I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but don't take it out on me.
My son actually used to say that to me, and so did my kids.

Speaker 1 They would literally go, I don't know what's going on at work, but don't take it out on me. I don't work with you.
And so

Speaker 1 call

Speaker 1 the person out. And if you're not comfortable, start documenting it and then go to HR and get some help with it.
Final thing I want you to know. For me, there are two types of jerks out there.

Speaker 1 And we've already started to kind of unpack this, but I really want to highlight this for you.

Speaker 1 There are the jerks that are just entitled, like I believe the woman at the hotel front desk was, that she just thinks she's better than everybody else.

Speaker 1 And they treat people like crap because they've always treated people like crap. You know, people like this, they're rude to waiters.
They're short with other people. They're full of themselves.

Speaker 1 They have a tone to their voice. They're super pompous.
We hate these kind of people. The kind of people that are rude for no reason other than because this is how they are.

Speaker 1 And this is how they treat people. And I hate people like this.
And you know what else I can't stand? I can't stand the fact that they tend to bully us, right? And we just give in.

Speaker 1 And it just perpetuates this. People get a better room because they're mean to the person at the front desk.
The world should not work like this. It drains our energy.
That's why we give in.

Speaker 1 And so there's that type of jerk.

Speaker 1 And then there's the second type, which is more like the person in that coffee shop that I was explaining, where they're just under pressure and they can't tolerate the discomfort that they feel.

Speaker 1 I call these kind of people emotionally immature.

Speaker 1 And I use the word immature because they throw tantrums. They're like a child who is so frustrated, so they throw themselves on the floor.

Speaker 1 And they're immature because they do not have a mature or responsible

Speaker 1 way of tolerating emotional stress.

Speaker 1 If you've just got somebody who's like grumpy or kind of standoffish, or you work in a place like an investment bank or a law firm or someplace that's crazy competitive, you want to know how you flip this?

Speaker 1 I'll tell you how right after the break.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's Mel. And you know, I love that you listen to this podcast and we're friends.

Speaker 1 So I know that it's safe for you to admit to me that you also listen because you secretly hope i can change your friends and your family that's why you're sharing the episodes same reason why i share these episodes too because my friends and family don't listen to me either that's why i send them all the experts on the mel robbins podcast you want to know another great way to motivate the people in your life to change buy them a copy of the let them theory book because the way you've been going about it it's not working is it i know same with me doesn't work in my family either but you know what did work everybody in my family has read the let them theory so now we all have the tools to learn how to let other people be who they are, stop controlling, managing, judging, and just let them be.

Speaker 1 And we take all that time and energy back and we focus on being better versions of ourselves. And you know what that means? Everybody is happier.

Speaker 1 Pick up a copy of the let them theory for everybody you've been trying to change and pick up one for yourself too. Go to melrobins.com/slash let them.
That's melrobins.com/slash let them.

Speaker 1 Welcome back. Today, we're talking all about protecting yourself from negative energy and how you can flip the energy when you're dealing with somebody who's grumpy or competitive in the workplace.

Speaker 1 So, here's how you deal with a curmudgeon. You shower curmudgeons with compliments.
That's what you do. And I have firsthand experience with this.
And boy, does it work like a charm.

Speaker 1 It is just awesome. And the reason why this works is the law of reciprocity.
The law of reciprocity is very simple. If you do something nice for me, I feel like I should do something nice for you.

Speaker 1 And this works with curmudgeons. I swear to goodness it does.
Have you ever walked into a mall and somebody opens that first set of doors for you? What do you do with the second set?

Speaker 1 You don't even think about it. You basically trip.
over your own feet to try to get to that door so you can hold it open for them. You do nice for me.
I'll do nice for you.

Speaker 1 And this works with curmudgeons at work.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to tell you a story. So a number of years ago, I had the honor of being recruited by CNN to become an on-air legal analyst.
What does that mean?

Speaker 1 That means that when Anderson Cooper is hosting his show and he goes, all right, well, let's go to some commentary. And then there's a person sitting basically in a closet in the box on the screen.

Speaker 1 That was me. I was not a reporter.
I was a paid legal commentator that was giving analysis on all the big cases. And it was a fascinating job, but I noticed something.

Speaker 1 I noticed that people were not that friendly. So you would be down at CNN in New York City and the Time Warner Center, which is where they were when I worked for them.

Speaker 1 And you're standing off the side of the set and you're going to go on to one of the shows and you're standing there with other legal commentators.

Speaker 1 These are your colleagues, and everybody's on their phones, and nobody's talking to each other.

Speaker 1 And if they're talking to each other, it's sort of like, oh, so you know, are you on, uh, you're on New Day this morning? Okay, and then are you going to be on Ashley's show?

Speaker 1 You can be, oh, you're on, oh, well, I'm on Don. Oh, well, I'm on, and sort of like this like one-upping thing as you're talking about how busy you're going to be today and what shows have called you.

Speaker 1 And it was this weird thing. I didn't like that.
And so, this is what I decided to do:

Speaker 1 I decided that I was just going to proactively reach out and compliment my fellow legal analysts.

Speaker 1 So Paul Callan is one of them. I call him the professor.
He's one of my favorite human beings in the world. So here's how I would do it.

Speaker 1 We'd be walking offset and I'd be like, Paul, that was genius, what you just said. And Paul's not a curmudgeon, but even he likes, oh, thank you.

Speaker 1 And when I would research a particular case that was breaking, you know what I did?

Speaker 1 I would forward the cases and the interesting articles I was finding to the other four paid commenters because there were only five of us on all of CNN that were on the payroll to do this.

Speaker 1 And we all had other jobs. This is like something we were all doing on the side.
And so I started emailing them.

Speaker 1 And then when I would see them on television, I'd be sitting home with my kids, and one of them would be on because I wasn't called in to do it.

Speaker 1 I would tweet at them and tag them. There's my friend Paul killing it.
Great analysis. Can I tell you, it took less less than five days to melt the ice.
And the five of us became such

Speaker 1 incredible friends. Joey Jackson, I miss you so much.
Danny, I miss you. Paul Callan, I miss you.
We had a blast. We always had each other's backs.

Speaker 1 We became great friends so much so that two years later, a woman reached out to me from CNN. She was responsible for building out the program for analysts.

Speaker 1 And she wanted to meet with me because she said everybody inside of CNN talked about the camaraderie and the vibe between the five of us who didn't even live in the same city.

Speaker 1 And she wanted to know how we did it. And I said, we just started cheering for one another.

Speaker 1 And so if you can stomach complimenting somebody. on their work or on their nails or don't be creepy about it.

Speaker 1 But if you can find something, hey, you did a really good job with that client, even a curmudgeon takes notice. And over time, you know what they do?

Speaker 1 The law of reciprocity kicks back in and they start complimenting you back.

Speaker 1 You see, at the end of the day, whether people grew up with parents who were jerks, and so they model behavior of being jerks and being pompous and better than other people, or they're just emotionally immature and they can't tolerate their own emotions.

Speaker 1 And that's why they throw tantrums. At the end of the day, everybody wants the same thing.
We just want to know that we matter. We want to know that we're doing a good job.

Speaker 1 We want to know that somebody appreciates that we're there. We want somebody to understand that we're doing our best and we're stressed out and we're trying to get the coffee out as fast as we can.

Speaker 1 We want somebody to have a little bit of compassion for the fact that I'm 24 and I'm wearing a big blazer and I'm going to do my best to try to help you.

Speaker 1 And I'd want to help you even more if you weren't such an asshole to me right now.

Speaker 1 That's what we want. A little bit of respect, a little bit of kindness.
And when you start to dial that up and you give it out with radical generosity, it comes back to you in incredible ways.

Speaker 1 And so that's what you can do. You can certainly call it out.
And when you call it out, not in an antagonizing way, but hey, what's going on with you? Because you're not normally like this.

Speaker 1 And, you know, I'm happy to help you, but not when you're rude to me. When you visualize somebody throwing a tantrum in a snow globe, it doesn't get on you.
Or go to HR.

Speaker 1 When you start dialing up your own positivity, which you're going to be better equipped to do if you're using these tools, you can use the law of reciprocity to slowly melt that curmudgeon.

Speaker 1 into a real softie. I swear to God, I've done it my whole life and you can do it too.

Speaker 1 Now I want to go to that juicy, amazing question that we got from Celeste. Hi, Mel.

Speaker 5 I have a question about gossiping about other people. I feel like it's so ingrained into our lives.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 5 To be honest, I talk about other people all the time and sometimes it's not good things.

Speaker 5 I'm just looking for some tips on how to stop the habit of gossiping and to calm myself out when it's truly none of my business. Anyways, love your podcast and you.
Thanks, Celeste.

Speaker 1 Oh, Celeste, I love you too. Great question.
So I don't know who came up with that saying, but I love this saying that small minds talk about people and big minds talk about ideas.

Speaker 1 So there's science here for why gossiping is bad for you.

Speaker 1 When you gossip and engage in it, which means you're listening to it, you're dishing it out, you're indulging in it, your adrenaline and cortisol, that stress hormone, it spikes.

Speaker 1 And it also increases when you retell painful stories of being hurt or wronged by somebody who is gossiping about you. You literally put yourself in this fight-or-flight state.

Speaker 1 I'm proud of you for admitting that you gossip all the time.

Speaker 1 And when you gossip all the time,

Speaker 1 Research shows that because your body's in this on-edge state, it makes you feel helpless, angry, anxious.

Speaker 1 And don't blame women for this, because a study at UC Riverside found that men engage in tear-down gossip just as much as women do. This is on all of us.

Speaker 1 And so here's the wake-up moment for all of us.

Speaker 1 This is a level-up moment.

Speaker 1 It is so simple to stop doing it.

Speaker 1 And let me give you the strategy that really has helped me stop gossiping. Because I used to be a huge gossiper.
I used to gripe about other people.

Speaker 1 I'd spin myself into a top, like being all upset about other people and talking about people that weren't there. And I would get on a power kick by tearing somebody else down or talking about how

Speaker 1 the energy of gossiping, it's not cool. Here's the strategy.
Only talk about people.

Speaker 1 who are present in the room with you. That's it.
Don't talk about anybody who's not present. That'll make you stop gossiping because you don't gossip with people that are present about them.
No.

Speaker 1 You're gossiping because you're talking behind somebody's back, which means they're not present.

Speaker 1 You know, if you're talking about somebody who's not present because you're concerned about them and you want help with how to help them or you've got some real issue that is either work related or friendship related, and you're trying to solve it for the better.

Speaker 1 And so you're seeking somebody's advice, there's a different intent there, isn't it? When you're gossiping, you're just tearing somebody else down.

Speaker 1 You're empowering yourself at somebody else's expense. That's very different than the intent behind getting advice or being concerned about somebody.
And so here's what I always tell everybody.

Speaker 1 I just make it a rule not to talk about people who aren't present.

Speaker 1 That is like dropping a bomb in the middle of a conversation. If people are gossiping, you can literally just say, you know, I make it a rule not to talk about people who aren't present.

Speaker 1 Or you could say, aren't there other things we could talk about other than so-and-so's life or marriage?

Speaker 1 That stops people in their tracks. And somebody might go, oh, you know,

Speaker 1 there's somebody throwing a tantrum. They're in their snow globe.
They got called out. That is a way that you can 1,000% catch yourself from gossiping.
And here's the other thing. You got feet.

Speaker 1 Walk away.

Speaker 1 Just because other people are talking about it, you can say, I don't like to talk about people who aren't present and turn and walk away.

Speaker 1 Because here's the other thing you need to understand about gossiping. If they're doing it with you,

Speaker 1 they'll do it about you when you're not there.

Speaker 1 Because people gossip as a way to bond with other people. It's called triangulation.
Narcissists do this in particular.

Speaker 1 By talking about other people in a derogatory way, the people that are gossiping are trying to build a bond with you.

Speaker 1 That means the second you're not there, they will trash you in order to build a bond with other people.

Speaker 1 And when you really get that as a truth, because it is a truth, that people who gossip with you gossip about you.

Speaker 1 That will change how you look at all your relationships. And when you become the kind of person that makes it a rule to not gossip about people,

Speaker 1 you will surround yourself with other people who don't gossip about you. And that is a powerful change in your life.
You have the ability to impact so many people's lives.

Speaker 1 And I don't know if you realize just how powerful you are. That your energy, your love, your enthusiasm, being radically generous with it, it can change anybody's day.

Speaker 1 And when you change somebody's day in a positive way, that great day can become a great week. And that great week can roll into an amazing month.

Speaker 1 And that amazing month can turn into an incredible year. You just have no idea what somebody's dealing with.
My friend Ed Millette, he's one of my favorite people on the planet.

Speaker 1 He told me this story about how

Speaker 1 there is a person out in the world

Speaker 1 who was there when his father was struggling with alcoholism. And this stranger

Speaker 1 got his dad help.

Speaker 1 And Ed said, if it weren't for that stranger,

Speaker 1 Ed wouldn't be here.

Speaker 1 And that one act of kindness from one person

Speaker 1 can change somebody's entire life.

Speaker 1 And you have that power. And so I want you to think as you head into your day about the image of blowing bubbles.

Speaker 1 You know when a kid is blowing bubbles and the bubbles catch the sunlight and they float around and they fly away, it feels so good, doesn't it? It makes you smile.

Speaker 1 And you can stand there on a beautiful sunny day and blow bubbles and they drift off into space. And who knows how far they go? Your energy is just like that.

Speaker 1 And you can spread good energy and you should. How do you do that? Be generous with the I love yous.

Speaker 1 Be super generous telling people I appreciate you. In fact, I have a habit every single day.

Speaker 1 I make it a habit to tell somebody that I appreciate them. And I do that by either reaching out to a friend and telling them that I miss them and I'm thinking about them.

Speaker 1 I have a friend who's going through a really challenging moment right now with her dad.

Speaker 1 Hospice has been called in and I'm texting her every morning, telling her that I'm sending her a hug and that she doesn't need to text me back, but I just want her to know that I'm here for her.

Speaker 1 I tell that to people that help me in the grocery store. I tell it to anybody, honestly, because we all need to hear it.
Thank you for helping me. Thank you for being here.

Speaker 1 I love complimenting people's nails or their jewelry or their hairstyle or their socks and smiling, smiling. And don't forget your family.
When somebody walks in the door, how do you greet them?

Speaker 1 Do you put a big smile on your face? Do you run to the door? Do you say, welcome home. Oh my God.
I hope you had a great day. I always, always, always give our son Oakley the biggest hug.

Speaker 1 And I hold it extra tight. And I tell him I'm so happy to see him.
Because every time you do this,

Speaker 1 you smile, you wave, you high-five somebody, you give them a hug, you tell them that you love them, you text somebody out of the blue. You are a force for good.

Speaker 1 If you're staying in a hotel like I'm going to be tonight, leave a note for the person that's cleaning your room. A thank you, a smiley face, tell them you appreciate them.
We all need to hear it.

Speaker 1 And when you become radically generous with your positive energy, with your compliments, with your enthusiasm, with your love, it spreads unbelievable waves of joy and positivity, lifting people up in ways that you'll never know.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 can we agree? We got our force fields up when it comes to the negativity, but we got our positivity generously flowing around the world.

Speaker 1 And speaking of which, I appreciate you spending your time with me. I know your time is the most valuable thing that you have.

Speaker 1 And I don't even know how to explain how much it means to me to know that every single Monday and every Thursday that you and I are doing life together, that we're talking about it, that we're unpacking it, that we're laughing at it, that we're crying together, that we're figuring it out.

Speaker 1 And I just wanted to say, in case nobody else tells you, that I love you and I appreciate you you and i believe in your ability to create a better life now go blow some bubbles

Speaker 1 oh one more thing it's the legal language this podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.

Speaker 1 Stitcher.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's your friend Mel. If you love the Mel Robbins podcast, you're going to love this.

Speaker 1 If you want to hear all the new episodes ad-free, subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts on Apple Podcasts or visit SiriusXM/slash podcast plus to start your free trial today.