2 Ways to Take Your Power Back When You Feel Insecure

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Speaker 2 Hey, it's Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.

Speaker 2 I'm so excited to talk to you today because there is something unfolding in real time right now with one of our daughters who lives out in Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 She's 21 years old, and right now she is sitting in class and she's texting me.

Speaker 2 And she's texting me about an issue that I know that you can relate to or someone in your life is going through this right now.

Speaker 2 I mean, she's literally blowing up my phone with texts because she does not know what to do. What's the topic? Wow.

Speaker 2 Well, the topic is this.

Speaker 2 What do you do when someone that you like suddenly starts having a crush on one of your friends? That's what's going down in real time. I've got the text messages.

Speaker 2 And when she gets out of class, I'm going to try to track her down and see if she can unpack this situation with you and me in real time live. And here's the thing.

Speaker 2 This is much bigger than the topic of someone you like suddenly liking one of your friends.

Speaker 2 This is really about being in the middle of an emotional tsunami where you find that you're starting to lose yourself and you're trying so hard.

Speaker 2 to get your own power back as you've been blindsided by some issue in your life. That's what's going down in real time.

Speaker 2 So whether you're facing this exact situation right now or you're trying to support somebody who is, we have all had moments where you get news that just

Speaker 2 sends the emotions through your body. And we're going to work through it in real time on today's episode.
Before we get into that, I just want to take a minute. Thank you.
I mean, your

Speaker 2 feedback so far on the Mel Robbins podcast has blown me away. This is a brand new show, and we are becoming a mighty show because of you.

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Speaker 2 every time you share an episode or I see you posting them and sharing them on your social media pages, you are helping to create a ripple effect of change.

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Speaker 2 One of the forms is a form for you to recommend an expert, an author, author, a friend, somebody that you would love for me, Mel Robbins, to dig deeper with on some subject that you care about.

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Thank you. All right.
Now,

Speaker 2 let's get into this topic. Okay.
So I am in Salt Lake City and I'm about to give a speech. And as I landed here in Salt Lake City, my phone, when it came back online, started to blow up.

Speaker 2 And it was text messages from our daughter who is a senior in college. Her name is Kendall.
And

Speaker 2 she is a music student. and she aspires to be a singer-songwriter.
And that piece of information is important

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 it relates to the heartbreak, the confusion, and the entanglement issues she is going through. So what is the issue? The issue is she

Speaker 2 was really interested in somebody in her program. And they were collaborating as musicians.
They were hooking up. They had a really fun relationship.
They really cared about each other.

Speaker 2 And as these things do, it kind of fizzled out.

Speaker 2 And recently, there has been a new friend that has come into her life that's also a musician that has been extremely helpful in collaboration. And

Speaker 2 Ken's all excited. And in fact, a week ago, she called me and said, You're never going to believe this.
I met the coolest woman. She wants to do sessions together.
She wants to work on music together.

Speaker 2 I feel so energized. And now Kendall's texting me

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 she found out a piece of information yesterday and it has rocked her world.

Speaker 2 So at 11.43 a.m., my daughter texts me and says, mom, I got to call you later. I found out some tea and I'm hashtag sad.

Speaker 2 And then I said, let me guess. Brendan has a girlfriend.
That's her high school sweetheart who they've both committed to marrying each other if they're both single, still in their 30s. Is that it?

Speaker 2 Tell me the tea.

Speaker 2 I just got off a plane. She says, no, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Speaker 2 Remember how I told you my friend wants to help me book sessions and do management stuff? Yep.

Speaker 2 And come on, you already tease when it comes to this kind of stuff. Lay it on me.
Sorry, I'm in class. Basically, it's a long story, but she now has a crush on.

Speaker 2 I'm going to make up a name because I don't

Speaker 2 want to disclose their names.

Speaker 2 She has a crush on, what name should we use, everybody?

Speaker 2 Steve. She has a crush on Steve.
Steve?

Speaker 2 Steve. Okay.

Speaker 2 Basically, Basically, it's a long story, but she has a crush on Steve and he has a crush on her because they've done a few sessions together because she needed help on a song she wrote for a class.

Speaker 2 And I just know that this is the universe giving me a test because the fact that she just waltzed into my life, wants to be a bigger part of my life, and she just so happens to be now developing a crush on this boy I have history with and have made really really good music with.

Speaker 2 This mom is not a coincidence. But I'll admit, I did have a big, ugly cry last night because she's fucking gorgeous and they haven't even hooked up yet.

Speaker 2 And he's already telling our friend Maria that he's crushing on this girl too. Like, bro, we hooked up for six months and he never said those words to Maria.

Speaker 2 So now I just feel like he was only in it with me for the sex. Like, wow.

Speaker 2 Now, I have to give myself some props.

Speaker 2 I have been working

Speaker 2 on

Speaker 2 not trying to jump in and solve my kids' problems. This is so hard for me to do.
My anxiety and my need to fix things and my need to make sure my kids are okay

Speaker 2 has me typically in this situation jump in and be like, here's what you need to do. And here,

Speaker 2 but I have been working on using my own five-second rule, count backwards, five, four, three, two, one. Put yourself in pause.

Speaker 2 And then I choose a different response. And my response now is to not correct a situation, but to seek connection.

Speaker 2 And so I put myself in praise. I'm so proud of myself for this.
You've got to try this with the people in your life.

Speaker 2 And instead of offering a solution, I just offered connection and said, well, that fucking sucks.

Speaker 2 I hate it when the universe does that.

Speaker 2 And then she said, like, what am I supposed to make of this, mom?

Speaker 2 I put myself in pause.

Speaker 2 I did not offer a solution.

Speaker 2 And I said, I don't know.

Speaker 2 What do you think you're supposed to make of this?

Speaker 2 Can we just say, good job, Mel Robbins? Like, I feel like, okay, this is a huge leap in my parenting skills.

Speaker 2 She says, well,

Speaker 2 it almost feels like a test.

Speaker 2 And then I say,

Speaker 2 do you want me to tell you what I'm thinking? And she says, yes. And I said, I agree.

Speaker 2 I think it's a test

Speaker 2 about how serious you are about music.

Speaker 2 And then she says, it's also confusing because they're both so serious about music. which is why I think they're like into each other.
And it's almost confronting for me in a way.

Speaker 2 And then I wrote, every relationship is a test.

Speaker 2 This one is saying,

Speaker 2 don't test me. I'm just fine on my own.
Hey, wouldn't this be a great Lizzo song this moment? She says, I know, but this is just so unfortunate.

Speaker 2 I know that this is just the universe, mom. All I have been manifesting is devotion to my work and music above all else.

Speaker 2 And clearly, this is just a test of that manifesting because they are two people who want to help me make progress in my music career.

Speaker 2 And now that they could potentially get involved with one another, it's a test to try and shift my attention and question both of their roles and if I actually want to collaborate and use them to help me with my music career.

Speaker 2 I've been trying so hard all day to have an abundant mindset. Like good for them, honestly.

Speaker 2 How great it is that someone I want to produce and write with has also really did someone that I want to support, that wants to support me, believe in me, and help me grow, you know?

Speaker 2 And then I said, I want you to also consider energy.

Speaker 2 She said, expand on that.

Speaker 2 I said, I will later.

Speaker 2 I think your energy is off now that this has happened. And this is not a good sign.
She says, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 I said, well, it doesn't work for you to collaborate on music with someone you have weird vibes with. Now, I want to stop right there and unpack something for you.

Speaker 2 If you never, if you don't know what to do in life,

Speaker 2 always

Speaker 2 go in and pay attention to energy. When the energy shifts around people or relationships or anything that you're doing, that is always a sign.
about alignment.

Speaker 2 It's a sign for you to slow down when energy vibes shift and something feels off.

Speaker 2 As a human being, you are wired to be in alignment. You're wired to feel like things are in a groove.

Speaker 2 And clearly, when you find out news, like our daughter did 24 hours ago, that somebody that you had been hooking up with and still have a crush on and still want to work with now has a crush on someone else and she has a crush on them,

Speaker 2 the energy is going to shift. And it's now an opportunity for you to learn something about yourself, for you to seek better alignment, and for you to follow the energy that feels good.

Speaker 2 That's the opportunity of a moment like this, which is why I brought up energy. Let's go back to the text exchange, okay? Mom, can you expand on that?

Speaker 2 I said, well, I will later, but your energy is off and that's not a good sign. She said, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 I said, it doesn't work for you to collaborate on music, which is something very intimate for you with someone you have weird vibes with.

Speaker 2 Have you ever had this situation happen to you, like at work, where you kind of had a crush on somebody at work?

Speaker 2 And next thing you know, you're finding out that the person you have a crush on with is actually secretly dating somebody else at work.

Speaker 2 And now you don't feel like you want to work on projects with those two? That's an example of that energy being off.

Speaker 2 And then she says, you mean the fact that my energy has been thrown by this means that it's not a good call.

Speaker 2 But, mom, I also think that I can rise above this and be above this and let them do their thing without feeling threatened. Okay, let's stop right there.
That is so true.

Speaker 2 What if you could develop the power and the self-awareness to notice in these kinds of heartbreaking and confusing situations that boom, the energy's off? Oh my God, I'm disappointed.

Speaker 2 I'm also confronted.

Speaker 2 What if you could

Speaker 2 literally switch gears in that moment? I mean, wouldn't that be a superpower to be able to rise above that kind of thing? And then she writes this. Well, I don't want to be with him anyway.

Speaker 2 I mean, I just don't. I just don't want him to want her.

Speaker 2 Mic drop. Isn't that life right there?

Speaker 2 And of course, I had to say, you know, that's a song.

Speaker 2 I know you hate it when I say that, but when I read your text, I feel like I'm reading lyrics. So, this is what we're going to do.
We're going to get her on the phone.

Speaker 2 I have no idea how this is going to go. One thing I need you to know about this is that this is not staged, and that

Speaker 2 I am going to try to bring you into my life.

Speaker 2 But here's one boundary I need you to know as we start to do this on this show: we will never air something that either features my kids, or text messages, or a friend, or my my husband without them

Speaker 2 listening to the episode and giving us the okay.

Speaker 2 I put that boundary in place because I want us to be able to record in a way that is spontaneous and authentic and live. And in that environment, allow people to speak freely.

Speaker 2 but also to have people know that they're safe to speak freely because nothing will air that they're uncomfortable with. So it's important for me to tell you that so that you understand

Speaker 2 the steps that I'm taking to both share my life and keep this real and raw and authentic and relatable and deeply personal and also not exploit people or make them feel unsafe.

Speaker 2 So let's see if we can get Kendall Robbins on the phone. She does not know that we are calling her.
Here we go. We'll be right back.

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Speaker 2 So let's call Kendall. Let's get her in on this.

Speaker 2 Hi, this is Dr.

Speaker 4 Schneiberger, Kendall's grandfather. If you're a boy, hang up.
Otherwise, leave a message.

Speaker 4 At the tone, please record your message.

Speaker 2 She has had that voicemail message that my dad recorded for her since she was in ninth grade. I got to give her props for having the same outgoing message that your grandfather recorded.

Speaker 2 I mean, for eight years. Come on now.
If you can roll with that through high school and college, you can roll through somebody crushing on your ex-crush. That's all I'm saying.

Speaker 2 And you can also get the message in all of this mess of your life that what is hurting you is probably not meant for you.

Speaker 2 That it's time that you align your life with a new direction that energizes you and people that you're in a groove with. It's really that simple.
People come and go in your life.

Speaker 2 And that doesn't mean that you're not going to be stung when they exit. Because when that door slams, sometimes your finger can get caught in it.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 So let's see if she calls us back. Oh, here we go.
Okay, hold on.

Speaker 2 Kendall?

Speaker 2 Hi. Hi.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So I thank you for calling me back after class. I wanted to talk to you about the text

Speaker 2 that we were exchanging today because it reminded me.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 4 I'm eating a chocolate bar, mom. Like,

Speaker 4 sorry, I don't have a fucking podcast mic on me right now.

Speaker 4 Okay, I'm ready.

Speaker 2 So America will wait. No, the globe will, because

Speaker 2 we have listeners and fans around the world hanging on your every word and the crumbs coming out of that chocolate bar.

Speaker 4 They're good crumbs.

Speaker 2 So I got your text today

Speaker 2 and I shared the gist of it with everybody.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 after sharing the gist of it with everybody,

Speaker 2 I thought, wow, it reminded me of a moment when I was going through a really hard time and there was a bunch in my life,

Speaker 2 a bunch of things in my life that were not working the way I had hoped they would. And you gave me some of the best advice I have ever received.
Do you remember what it was?

Speaker 4 I do.

Speaker 2 What was it?

Speaker 4 Well, I told you that the reason that

Speaker 4 you were experiencing that,

Speaker 4 whatever you were experiencing which was not a pleasant experience was so

Speaker 4 you could get back in touch with what the people you're trying to inspire are struggling with every day because

Speaker 4 you're a very lucky person you've worked very hard for the life that you have but i think you on a day-to-day basis don't really struggle the way that the people you inspire do and i told you that the reason that you were having all these issues issues was because you needed to be reminded of how they feel and how you had once felt

Speaker 2 and if we go a little deeper and more profound on the advice

Speaker 2 what force was actually giving me those lessons because in your advice there's a presumption

Speaker 2 about something bigger and more profound. So talk about that.
The universe.

Speaker 4 Well, should I talk more descriptive of my own personal experience?

Speaker 2 Well, when you gave me that advice, because it's easy to give advice, right? Because you're not emotionally attached to the situation.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And so

Speaker 2 when you gave me that advice, that the reason why these things were happening in my life that were hard and challenging and causing me a lot of pain and causing me to question

Speaker 2 people around me and what was happening, you basically said that, mom, your biggest mission in life is to help people. That's how you started.

Speaker 2 And because of your success, you have gotten far away from what it feels like to wake up every day and feel this level of struggle, that

Speaker 2 there was something in this challenge tied to my purpose. and that a greater spiritual force and energy was behind this if I was willing to look at the challenge that way.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you believe that?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 I mean, I think it's also like

Speaker 4 has a lot to do with

Speaker 4 like growth

Speaker 4 and like

Speaker 4 comfort and like wanting to

Speaker 4 I don't know, because I think like you and me are both inspired by and want to create things that require us to grow and to challenge ourselves every day and it's so easy to just stay in like

Speaker 4 a comfortable place to stay and stay in all the habits that you have to

Speaker 4 never do shit that scares you and I or never do never interact with people or things or relationships

Speaker 4 that

Speaker 4 make you look in the mirror make you feel insecure make you scared or make you angry or whatever it is and i think that you

Speaker 4 that that like challenge tide that you experienced was like i don't know i think for me right now i'm sort of in this place where i'm trying to i'm going through a teeny little fucking challenge tide that's like basically a fucking

Speaker 4 tide pool like it's not a tsunami yeah

Speaker 4 Yours was. Mine was not.
But

Speaker 4 I think I'm going through this challenge fight and I'm trying so hard

Speaker 4 because I want to take maintain, because I want to maintain feeling aligned and because I want to embrace growth and not let this

Speaker 4 derail me that I'm like trying so hard to stay in like a mindset where I look at it as like an opportunity instead of like something that's

Speaker 4 been put something like I'm being damned I'm being wrong like it's more of like okay, you know what? Thank you. This is some sort of message.

Speaker 2 What is the message? Because let's go back to this part where you get the news that somebody that you

Speaker 2 are a new friend with is now crushing on somebody you used to crush with.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 4 this new friend has come into my life and asked if they can pour it to me basically professionally. which is like an absolute godsend.

Speaker 4 And then I find out like a few days later that it's like there's some entanglement between someone that I used to feel something for, and now they might feel something for them.

Speaker 4 But I still want to utilize this new friend,

Speaker 4 it's just I'm just playing chess,

Speaker 4 maybe I'm playing checkers.

Speaker 2 I don't know, I don't really know how to play chess. That's a difference.
I don't either.

Speaker 4 Well, I think I know how to play checkers, but I'm probably playing checkers, let's be honest. But

Speaker 4 what my point is, is that

Speaker 4 it would be so easy for me to just drop a fucking bomb on this really cool

Speaker 4 person and this really cool opportunity I have with not only the ex, but the new person who's going to help me and the ex, who, by the way, I also

Speaker 4 deeply, deeply respect and care about and know in my heart that I'm not supposed to be with and I'm not supposed to.

Speaker 4 have a relationship to but I think now that he and her are now entangled, it's making me go, Wait,

Speaker 4 I kind of want him to be entangled with me again, which is not what I want. It's just my whole, this is my like fear of rejection coming up and my ego coming up.

Speaker 4 But back to my point, is like it would be so easy for me to just fucking derail this whole thing because I'm insecure and I'm suddenly feeling like I'm in a place of resistance.

Speaker 4 Stop right there. Stop right there.

Speaker 2 Can I just ask a question?

Speaker 2 Can you explain to me what exactly you would do to derail this situation?

Speaker 2 What would the old

Speaker 2 sneaky, nasty young people?

Speaker 4 Well, I would probably

Speaker 4 just find ways to, like, I would probably start to avoid her. I would probably

Speaker 4 like pull the, pull the plug, not pull the plug, but like,

Speaker 4 sort of just pump the brakes on this like relationships that this relationship that I'm cultivating and this relationship that I'm like actively pouring more time into.

Speaker 4 I would probably pump the brakes on that.

Speaker 2 Would you then like pull the string again on the person you used to be interested in?

Speaker 4 Would I what on him?

Speaker 2 Would you stoke the flame on the person you used to be interested in again?

Speaker 4 That would be like level zero, Kendall, because I'm not really somebody that does that after a breakup, but

Speaker 4 maybe I might

Speaker 4 I'm more of like a cold cold shoulder person like

Speaker 4 you don't exist i don't exist which is not really a great tactic is that like a level two

Speaker 4 no i mean i would like

Speaker 4 i think what i would do is i would pump the brakes on her

Speaker 4 and every time i would around i was around him i'd shut down

Speaker 4 i would not collaborate with him i would not collaborate with her and by in and then do it and I would just feel myself in a place of resistance, in a place of

Speaker 4 shutdown, in a place of like, like I would just go to a really horrible, horrible, like detrimental, negative self-talk

Speaker 4 place that probably wouldn't be lifted for a while.

Speaker 2 You're basically describing

Speaker 2 me, like in my 10, my teens and 20s, and sometimes my 30s, but go ahead. And sometimes my 40s.

Speaker 4 Well, what I was going to say is like when i found out about this which how did you find out

Speaker 4 uh that's not important i found out

Speaker 4 and

Speaker 4 when i found out about this which happened quite literally yesterday

Speaker 4 all

Speaker 4 all of last night and like slivers of today i felt myself in that place like not really like acting,

Speaker 4 not really acting out from that place, but like in that mindset of like

Speaker 4 looking in the mirror and being like, Wow, I'm fucking ugly, or being like, Oh, she's so much better than me. No wonder he wants her.
Like, there's no way I can collaborate her because of this.

Speaker 4 There's no way that he's ever going to want to collaborate with me. Like, things are going to be awkward, just like over and over and over and over and over.

Speaker 4 And then, like, I had to remind myself, like, we're not doing that. We're not going to be, we're not going to like live there.
We're not going to be in that mindset. Like,

Speaker 4 yada, yada, yada. But, like, it's day, it's pretty much day one.
And I'm like, already having having to sort of like train my train myself to like not go there.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you a question?

Speaker 2 Sure. Because I think this is so incredibly relatable.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 what I visualize when I think about you

Speaker 2 standing on a street corner and having the thought cross your mind or seeing them talking or having a text show up from one of them because y'all are kind of collaborating in a professional sense.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That you now literally find yourself at an emotional and mental crossroad.

Speaker 2 The text or seeing them or a song coming on triggers you to be at the crossroad, and the Kendall Zero goes down the left-hand road

Speaker 2 and has negative thoughts that basically beat the hell out of you and tell you a story. See, more evidence.
See this.

Speaker 2 And the

Speaker 2 Kendall, what number are we going to sign this?

Speaker 4 Fucking 100.

Speaker 2 Okay, Kendall fucking 100.

Speaker 2 Who then looks at the other fork, which is a fork that's aligned with what you actually want, with who you're becoming, with

Speaker 2 energy. that is in a groove that matches with you.

Speaker 2 And that's a whole new way of thinking and being for you.

Speaker 2 What's this been like? And what would you, since you're actively in this,

Speaker 2 how would you describe what people need to do who are in this situation? They're literally just found out that their ex

Speaker 2 is going on a date with their friend. They just found out that

Speaker 2 the dream job that they got or the dream school that they wanted to be in, went to somebody else.

Speaker 2 And there's this moment where the way you thought things were going to go

Speaker 2 just don't happen. And

Speaker 1 you feel

Speaker 2 the sting that you're talking about. And it just causes you to start telling yourself a very old story.
It's never going to work out for you. This always happens to me.
Nobody's going to love me.

Speaker 2 You know, when is it going to be my turn? All that crap.

Speaker 2 How does somebody in that moment

Speaker 2 actually visualize a fork in the road, start to catch that negativity

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 redirect themselves in a new direction?

Speaker 4 I'm sort of just going to start talking and I might contradict myself and I might go back on what I'm saying, but I guess that's part of this whole thing.

Speaker 4 But yeah, I am driving up to Borden and potential encounter. Oh, about to happen.

Speaker 2 That would be amazing. I'm going to manifest that right now.
Dear God.

Speaker 2 Come on, bring him in. Bring him in.
I would like to see the two of them walk around the corner as you're talking to us.

Speaker 4 No, no, no, they're not.

Speaker 4 I think what I tell myself is I'm like, well, I think that it helps for me. It helps to know that like in my certain situation, like,

Speaker 4 I've already like done it and I've already tried it and it didn't work.

Speaker 4 And I like, I know in my heart, like I think what you need to do in these kinds of situations is just like remember what you know to be true, like in your heart.

Speaker 4 Like if it's your dream school and you didn't get in then and your best friend did, like just believe in the fact that it's still your dream school and it's going to happen.

Speaker 4 It just might not be right now.

Speaker 4 And I think for me, what I'm telling myself is like,

Speaker 4 I don't want that relationship. I don't want to be in that relationship.
And I know that in my heart.

Speaker 4 And like, instead of torturing myself and going back to like my old ways of thinking and trying to tell myself that i do want it just so i can have some sort of stupid validation i'm gonna tell myself that like

Speaker 4 he's he's still here he's still talking to one of my good friends now maybe for a reason instead of seeing this as like a detriment to my life like

Speaker 4 why don't i just flip the fucking script and like benefit from it like how cool would it be if two people who i know care about me who respect me deeply, and who both want to pour into me creatively and professionally?

Speaker 4 How fucking amazing would it be if they both fucking love each other and are vibing and are awesome? And how great

Speaker 4 is it? And how good and great does it feel to visualize like them hitting it off and them crushing on each other and them being awesome and great and just like an explosion of love and light.

Speaker 4 And I just get to experience that and I get to be around that and I get to benefit from that.

Speaker 2 So here's the thing, dude

Speaker 2 the fact that you've processed this in less than 24 hours and you're already loving light and alignment to me says you weren't that into him anyway and these are old wounds that you're working on around rejection or or

Speaker 4 it says that

Speaker 4 I was and I'm mature as shit and I'm on my spiritual awakening journey and I'm alike I'm aligned

Speaker 2 that you can

Speaker 2 I think that's freaking hot That's like fuck though.

Speaker 4 You weren't that into him. Like, no, I really was, but

Speaker 4 I'm more into myself and I'm on my fucking journey. And what of it?

Speaker 2 Oh my God. Okay.
So I just got something for Miss and now my armpits are sweating because it's such a good idea. You ready?

Speaker 2 Sure. You are able to hyper-process this

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 you are very clear about who you are. and what it feels like when you're in the groove with energy and people and where you put your attention.

Speaker 2 And it is very clear when you are in alignment with your energy, with your focus, with who you surround yourself with, when something enters the space that's off. You feel friction.

Speaker 2 You don't feel like yourself. You feel yourself reaching for old toxic behaviors.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 that's why you were able to process this so quickly and hold space for the fact, I still like the guy. And I still want to work with her and him.
And him.

Speaker 2 I got to figure this out because what the universe is actually teaching you, Ken, is it's teaching you how to stay laser focused on your higher objective instead of getting sucked into the toxic bullshit that Kendall Zero used to get sucked into.

Speaker 4 Yeah, 100%.

Speaker 2 I love that.

Speaker 4 Yeah,

Speaker 4 that feels very like clear and like like makes sense to me. Because it's like

Speaker 4 I don't want to lose them. I don't want to like what I was saying about the whole derailing thing is like

Speaker 4 it would be so easy for me to just like

Speaker 4 derail. Okay, not working with you, not working with you.
I'm going to go cry about it. I'm going to listen to fucking sad music and blah de blah de blah and miss this crazy good opportunity or

Speaker 4 I could win from this. Like, it's just, it's just the mindset of being like, I can win from any situation.
Okay, well, that's a little, that's a little provincial, but

Speaker 2 actually, Ken.

Speaker 4 I think it's a good, it's a good mindset to have.

Speaker 4 Like, any situation that you are in, whether or not you put yourself there, if you did, if you didn't, if it was placed upon you, like you can still win.

Speaker 4 And like, it's just about like figuring out that higher objective and figuring out how you can feel aligned in that.

Speaker 4 in that negative, in that space that

Speaker 4 initially felt pretty negative.

Speaker 2 Okay, hold that thought because I've got one final thing I want to add to this conversation, Ken, but I got to throw to break. We need to hear from our sponsors.
So let me do that right now.

Speaker 2 Everybody hold on and we'll be right back.

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Speaker 2 Okay, Ken, I got one final thought. If we were to roll the clock back two and a half years, remember when you went through something way more painful than this moment?

Speaker 2 It took a lot longer for you to process that.

Speaker 4 I know exactly what you're talking about.

Speaker 2 Do you have any insight to offer for someone who's in that space that you were in two and a half years ago, who thinks that what you're saying right now sounds absolutely fantastic, but it's not at all realistic

Speaker 4 everybody always says like you can't love anyone until you love yourself but i feel like that like the word choice in that isn't correct because if i had known at that point two years ago when i was going through a much more painful and drawn out and confusing

Speaker 4 entangled breakup like

Speaker 4 I had no, like, I didn't really believe that, like, I didn't believe in myself. Like, at at that point in time, I wasn't like, I was put on this earth to do something bigger.

Speaker 4 Like I, I, I didn't like actually believe with my whole heart that like I was put on this earth to live an incredible life and that I had the power to do so.

Speaker 4 And like, I think that's where a lot of people's issues are is that like they just, they don't think that they're worth it. They don't think that they can actually achieve their dreams.

Speaker 4 They don't have dreams. Like, you know what I mean? And it's like at that point in time, I had ideas of what I thought my dreams were, but they they weren't real and I didn't actually believe like

Speaker 4 I'm doing I'm gonna be doing something bigger than this like this is just like a piece to the puzzle it's not the puzzle itself and I feel like right now I can actually taste like

Speaker 4 the bigger things that are gonna be happening for me and like I can feel that like and because I can taste it I know that this small challenge tide is just a test, you know, and it's not the whole whole thing.

Speaker 4 And it's, and it's, I can, I can easily compartmentalize it because I can taste the bigger picture, but like, I had to do a lot of fucking taste testings before that.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? Like, go to the winery, babe.

Speaker 2 I love that. And I would add one more thing.

Speaker 2 You're able to process

Speaker 2 this entanglement in hyper-freaking

Speaker 2 Star Wars, like

Speaker 2 whatever speed. Like I just see hyper speed

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 of everything that you allowed yourself to feel and learn and process and mourn and discover about yourself in that painful year of breaking up. Just like

Speaker 2 I am able to feel a level of contentment and happiness

Speaker 2 that I've never experienced in my life now that I'm 53 because of the protracted, painful, awful, horrible two years of heartbreak that you had a front row seat to.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I think the

Speaker 2 breakthrough that you receive in life is in direct reverse proportion to how painful the experience was.

Speaker 2 And when you get angry.

Speaker 4 But I don't think that that, I don't think that that is, is widespread and that isn't like a way to seek.

Speaker 2 I don't recommend you smash into a wall to learn a lesson. I'm saying life does that to you.
And if you are able to process the hard stuff as a lesson, one of the benefits is the second

Speaker 2 the future you gets within an inch of anything that feels familiar to that old pain, you have an opportunity to go, uh-oh-oh, I'm at that crossroad. I see the old me.

Speaker 2 I could spend a year doing this bullshit where I suck my thumb in the corner and I play small and I pretend my life is over and I hate every other woman because they're prettier.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 2 I know that road, or you actually put yourself in park and say, wait a minute. I learned something from that.
And what I learned is I'm not fucking doing that again to myself.

Speaker 4 I also think, like, for this example, especially with this, like, girl and this guy, like

Speaker 4 I think like even yesterday and today, I felt a little bit of like, oh, well, maybe like this, maybe that road that they're on is like the wrong one.

Speaker 4 Like maybe I'm like, oh, well, maybe I should like, I'm like visualizing a lot of like going left and going right. And like the, for some reason, the right is always like the right road to go down.

Speaker 4 I mean, I don't think that was a coincidence in my brain, but. What I'm saying is like yesterday, I was like, you know what, maybe like collaborating with both of these people is

Speaker 4 not

Speaker 4 go is going to the left. It's not going to the right.
And like I shouldn't, I shouldn't be, I shouldn't be collaborating with them. Like this is not a good idea.

Speaker 4 But then I was like, no, because if I wasn't collaborating with them, then I would actually be going to the left because I would be like in resistance and I would be in pain and I would be comparing myself to every other woman on the face of the fucking earth.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? It's like, yes.

Speaker 4 Consider that you don't do that and then see which road you're on.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Hold that thought.
I just want to ask

Speaker 2 Andrea and Maddie and Jesse, do you have any question you want me to ask Kendall? Maddie, you got one?

Speaker 6 I was crying because what you said. No, well, what you said is exactly what I've been going through, like literally right now.

Speaker 6 And what I went through, like, I think almost three and a half years ago, when I went through like a really prolonged, drawn out breakup where I felt like I wasn't good enough to be in the relationship and I wasn't enough to be enough for, you know, what he wanted when that wasn't the case.

Speaker 6 And it's taken me a really long time to get to the other side of it. I like the question of like, what would you tell your past self, but like, not even

Speaker 6 what

Speaker 6 could you take away?

Speaker 6 It's just like, if you could place yourself in this moment where you feel the exact same way that you felt at that time, like you, you know, that you would make a different decision, right?

Speaker 4 I think honestly, like, if I was in that like really hard, like cyclical bad pattern, what I would do is just like

Speaker 4 every day do like a little something that scared me or do like every time that I felt like just that like shit mindset I was going back to, like every time I felt myself going back to it, like just toy with the idea or like welcome the idea of doing the other thing.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean? Cause that's just like sort of building the muscle, like strengthening the muscle of like going to the right instead of the left. Like,

Speaker 4 because for me in in that really long breakup it was like i was in the same place like i'm not good enough for him like he's i'm never going to be good enough for him and now i've gotten to a point where i'm like it is a gift that i was even with him and it is a gift that it didn't work out and like it's not it had nothing to do with me not being good enough to him it was just like he was a part of my journey and like he served his purpose and i knew all along it wasn't supposed to be like

Speaker 4 a lifetime but I think

Speaker 4 it I resisted going to the right for so long, like to the point where literally, like, there was a fucking roadblock, like the road fell apart, the left road fell apart.

Speaker 4 And it was like, I don't have a choice, you know what I mean? And so, I think

Speaker 4 what would, what my piece of advice would be is to like practice just like turning right a little bit here and there every day. Just go to the right.

Speaker 4 Oh, I normally would do this, but let me just try doing that. Or I normally would think this, but let me just try thinking that.

Speaker 4 And I honestly think that like that will help you strengthen the muscle because the amount of resistance I was in for so long going to the left going to the left going to the left when the universe was like go to the fucking right

Speaker 4 was just like a waste of time and now I know that like if I just practiced trying to do the other thing think the other way like it would have been so much easier for me to see like the strung along pattern that had been being created for me all along.

Speaker 6 Well, I think it's interesting like the fact that you say go to the left and go to the right because I think that you can take that in so many different directions.

Speaker 6 Like something that my dad has always told me is like, always like, choose yourself first. And I've never done this, right? Like I, I always put others in front of myself.

Speaker 6 And like, I always put others' feelings and others' situations and how other people, you know, react to what I do before what I think about my actions.

Speaker 6 And so I think it's interesting because turning left to me, when you said it, I was like, that feels like choosing everybody else. And turning right feels like choosing me.

Speaker 4 Yes, 100%.

Speaker 4 It's like you always know what like you should be doing for you, but it's like scarier to do that or you don't want to do that because it might fuck up what's going on with everyone else.

Speaker 4 But the second you start putting you first, it's like, it's just like a trickle-down effect. Like you start attracting more shit to just start happening for you.
And it's incredible.

Speaker 6 It's so interesting that you say that because I recently started doing those kinds of things and I literally see a shift in my behavior and how other people. like react to my behavior.

Speaker 6 Like the confidence that I have based on choices that I've made in the last six months alone has been completely different than the confidence I had even a year ago that like I can make decisions now today that I couldn't that like I know I couldn't have made a year ago and it's because of totally choices of like turning right and choosing me instead of doing things for other people and doing things for the benefit of other people instead of doing them for the benefit of me yeah good on you man

Speaker 4 i i'm literally class starts in one minute so i do have to leave let's talk after class

Speaker 2 i love you i'm proud of you, actually. I'm proud of the person you're becoming and your ability to share

Speaker 2 everything that you're learning through all of it with all of us.

Speaker 4 I'm proud of me too. Like, I've come a long fucking way.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 It's like laughable, but I'm like, I'm like just happy and I'm like grateful that I can like be this mindful about myself and like I'm finally like manifesting and attracting and like doing things that I've always like wished I could, you know?

Speaker 2 I love it. Well, we'll keep sharing and unpacking it so everybody else can learn along the way too.
Have a great class. We will.

Speaker 4 All right. I love you.
Love you too.

Speaker 4 Bye.

Speaker 2 I guess the one thing I want to say, having had a front row seat into the 24 hour evolved

Speaker 2 hyper speed Star Wars style.

Speaker 2 And I say

Speaker 2 Star Wars because I'm thinking about how fast those ships fly. The 24-hour processing versus the literally

Speaker 2 year and a half-long train wreck is what it was.

Speaker 2 I want to say this, that first of all, you know me and I love simple visual tools that yank you out of emotional states.

Speaker 2 Going left means you're choosing other people. Going left means you're seeking validation.
Going left means you're repeating old patterns, old behaviors, old stories.

Speaker 2 Going right means making teeny decisions where you choose yourself. Teeny decisions where you find the courage to do something different.
Don't go hang out at that guy's frat house hoping he sees you.

Speaker 2 Go find your girlfriends at the library. Don't go stalking somebody on social media.
Get your butt outside and go for a walk or go to a class.

Speaker 2 Like, don't continue to pour yourself into what the old you or the old relationship or the old thing was.

Speaker 2 Find a way each day to turn towards something new. That's how you start to make the right choices that align with who you're becoming instead of just grasping at what was and what no longer is.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 the other thing I want to tell you, and I can say this from personal experience, and I can say this from watching this year and a half painful thing that happened to our daughter daughter where she was entangled.

Speaker 2 If you keep choosing left,

Speaker 2 the universe, God, the world, energy, whatever you believe in,

Speaker 2 it cares so much about you that eventually it is going to drop a motherfucking sledgehammer on your face

Speaker 2 and it is going to cause, and

Speaker 2 it is going to create

Speaker 2 the most painful,

Speaker 2 personal,

Speaker 2 and shocking breakdown in your life

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 you're being so stubborn in choosing left all the time, knowing that you need to inch yourself in the right direction, that the universe or God or whatever, the forces greater than you are going to wake your ass up by doing something painful and personal.

Speaker 2 So you cannot ignore the fact that this thing that you keep doing,

Speaker 2 it is terrible for you. And sometimes those wake-up calls are exactly what we need.
For Kendall, it was a deep, deep betrayal.

Speaker 2 For me, it was multiple deep, deep betrayals, all of which woke us both up to see that, boy, we had been heading down the left path for a long time and we were too stubborn or insecure to wake up and see it.

Speaker 2 Do not wait for your life to fall apart to understand the power of choosing a different path, to wake up every day and find the courage to inch right, to inch towards something that feels different, that feels like an opening, that feels expansive.

Speaker 2 And here's how you're going to know. I'm going to give you one more tool.
So you've got this idea of visualizing a crossroad.

Speaker 2 You have this idea of alignment and what feels right and what doesn't feel right. You have this alignment.

Speaker 2 You have this idea of choosing the left path or the right path, and that has nothing to do with politics, by the way. It's just a metaphor, so don't add any drama to it, please.

Speaker 2 I don't want to hear about it in the comments. It's just the old thing you used to do and a new and different way.

Speaker 2 Here's another one. Here's how you know

Speaker 2 what is aligned with you. Energy doesn't lie.

Speaker 2 When you ask yourself, how could I make this a win?

Speaker 2 Turn toward what feels expansive. Turn toward what brings a little bit of energy into your life.
If it's old and if it's painful and if it's the wrong path, you're going to feel yourself shrinking.

Speaker 2 You're going to feel yourself depleted. You're going to feel your energy leave you.

Speaker 2 The interesting thing, if you listen closely to Kendall share with you, is that she was very quick to say, I'm going to cut these people out of my life.

Speaker 2 But when she paid attention to the energy, she was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Cutting them out of my life feels like I'm shrinking.
It feels like... My energy is leaving me.

Speaker 2 It feels like my power is going away. Turning toward them, showing up differently, being open to receiving, that feels energizing.
That feels expansive. That feels actually different.

Speaker 2 You can use energy like that, and we're going to talk a ton about that as we get to know each other, to make the right best next choice for you. And that's what matters.

Speaker 2 And that's why I'm sharing all this stuff with you.

Speaker 2 Not because I have the answers, but because you have the answers for you inside of you and inside of every experience that you're going through in life.

Speaker 2 And we'll keep you updated. We'll see how the hyper processing is going with Kendall.
I'm so proud of her. And you want to know what else? I'm proud of you.

Speaker 2 I'm proud of you for taking the time to be here with me, for listening and learning, and hopefully for applying this to your life. And I want you to know that that's why I'm here.

Speaker 2 I'm here on Mondays to help you start your week. I'm here on Thursdays to help you get through it.
I'm here sharing the ups and downs, the good, the bad, all of it for one reason.

Speaker 2 And the reason is because I love you and I believe in you and I believe in me and I believe in both of our abilities to create a better life. And that's what the Mel Robbins podcast is all about.

Speaker 2 You got me, I got you. We're doing it together.
So if you got something out of this episode, please, please, please share this with somebody who could use this.

Speaker 2 Subscribe to the Mel Robbins podcast wherever you get your podcast. You're going to find your friend Mel Robbins there.
And that's it. Have an absolutely amazing day.

Speaker 2 No, go make it an amazing day and just make the next right choice for you.

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