647: Circumcise Matters Edition

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This week's episode of the Scathing Atheist is brought to you by HelloFresh and by the new brand of Christian headphones that provide constant updates in the event of the rapture. Praycons.

Praycons. We just sharpied a pee in front of our raycons and disabled them.
And now, the scathing atheist. Religious tracks, the keys to when we packed ourselves into pens.

We packed a guarantee that when we disagreed, contrasted end.

At 10, my spree did enact degrees of queer must end retract contact cries to flee the den so identity compacts again bigotry and friends dissolve society intent on tact when with time we could absolve instead we send an autocrat revealing impact proving guilty exposing trend we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men

It's Thursday. It's July 24th, and it's Mormon Pioneer Day.
Yeah, because kicked out of yet another state day, didn't have quite the same ring to it. That's it, yeah.
I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.
And from Taylor Hams, New Jersey. You know it, baby.
Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia. This is the Scathing Inst.

Oh, this week's episode, Ryan Walters finds the lemon test a bit too sweet. A priest teaches the story of Abraham and Isaac from the perspective of Bigfoot.

And Don Ford will get tricked by a box with Don Ford feed written on it again.

But first, the diatribe.

One of the difficulties of talking about white supremacy is that you kind of have to play along with the fiction that white is a meaningful category. But it's not.

I mean, we're culturally conditioned to see it, so it seems really weird the first time you hear somebody say that there's nothing to it at all, but there kind of isn't.

And if you ever need a quick and easy way to prove that to somebody, just point to the various ways that the definition of white has shifted over time.

And of course, we know exactly how white was defined over time because it's burned into the judicial record. Until 1965, America still had racial quotas on immigration.

I'm sorry, America still admitted to having racial quotas on immigration. And so when people were applying for citizenship, the courts would often have to adjudicate their whiteness.

That's how we know that, for example, 100 years ago, Jewish people weren't considered white by American courts.

50 years further back, and Italians didn't make the cut. Too swarthy.
50 years further back than that, Irish people weren't considered white. Probably wasn't the swarthiness.

The same with Russians, Polish people, Greeks, and Eastern Europeans in general. All were deemed non-white by 19th century U.S.
immigration policy.

Now, think about that list for a second. What's determining whiteness here?

Obviously, it's not how pale their skin is. We're leaving out the Irish.

If you read the court documents of the date, they'll tell you it's about how assimilatable they are, but assimilatable to what exactly?

Now, of course, the list of countries gives away the game as much as it did with Trump's Muslim ban, doesn't it?

We've got the strictly religious category of Jewish people excluded regardless of their nation of origin. And then you've got a list of primarily Catholic and Eastern Orthodox countries.

You add to this the ban or near-total ban on all of the people from societies that we still don't consider white, and you've basically excluded everybody on earth who isn't Protestant.

It's right there in the court records.

If you go and you look at the seminal cases in immigration courts at the time, you see the court opinions openly discussing a person's religion religion and how it will affect their ability to assimilate into American culture.

And you'll find that Protestant Christianity, while not sufficient to earn somebody membership in the whiteness club, was often enough to exclude them with its absence.

Thus, it is impossible to talk about white supremacy without talking about Christian supremacy. It's not even enough to say the two concepts are intertwined.

They are two terms for the same fucking thing.

The justification they used for scientific racism back in the day all revolved around the accomplishments of Christendom. Their whole concept of superiority was rooted in spiritual superiority.

What white people got right, first and foremost, according to these people, was religion. Right?

I mean, when they went out and they tried to spread the benefits of whiteness to all the savage people, they started with missionaries. They considered Christianity to be the base coat of whiteness.

But because we've defined this in our mind as a racial rather than religious concept, we've allowed Christianity to duck a lot of the responsibility and disguise a lot of the retained privilege.

Because, of course, all the benefits that were afforded to whiteness were afforded to Christianity, specifically Protestant Christianity, although in the modern day they bled out to all Christianity, I think.

But the provisions we've made to counteract those advantages are, generally speaking, only applied racially, not religiously.

Like, sure, we've got nominal religious equality in this country, at least on paper, but the efforts our society put into rectifying the wrongs of white supremacy have primarily focused on the racial and not religious element, right?

Like

our society would probably not countenance a bunch of people complaining about a black church being built near the site of a crime that was perpetrated by black people, right?

That would be seen as beyond the pale. But even our mainstream media outlets played along with the ground zero mosque outrage.

And I, you know, look, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm trying to pit racial discrimination against religious discrimination in some kind of prejudice bracket or something. That is not my intention.

This isn't about who had it worse or has it worse or whatever. It's about the lack of accountability on the religious end of this.

We've allowed religious bigotry, which is one of the primary drivers, if not the primary driver of scientific racism in the first place, to largely avoid blame and continue its place of unearned privilege.

Hell, even the term separation of church and state is biased in favor of Christianity. Right? We don't talk about separation of religion and state.

We sure the fuck don't talk about separation of mosque and state or synagogue and state. We talk about church, an all but exclusively Christian means of defining faith.

Our terminology favors Christianity even in its exclusion.

And because the social reckoning that we did have, to whatever extent we had one at all, was centered around race and not faith, religious people in this country, by and large, are still entirely blind to their privilege.

The very goddamn calendar that we use favors their faith's construct of the week, the seasons, and the number of the goddamn year, and still they manage to miss it.

And because they miss it, they still label every slight nudge towards religious equality as anti-Christian prejudice, and they don't fucking see it.

Now, of course, to be fair, white people also generally don't see it, right? White people are largely blind to their privilege and willfully so.

And their outrage at critical race theory is all the evidence you need of that. But again, this isn't an either-or concept.

These things have been linked in this country since its inception to such a degree that it's almost meaningless to talk about one without the other.

You know, I mean, I get why we use the term white Christian nationalism. It's important that we flag all the elements there to emphasize its danger, but it's still redundant as hell.

In America, nationalism is white and whiteness is Christian.

They're talking about your Jesus.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the triangle and square of my circle, Heath Edright, and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to shape up? We're in PlayStation shape.
That's pretty good, right?

There you go. Yeah, there you go.
Noah lied about basic geometry, so I didn't have to feel bad about being the circle, everybody. That's love right there.
All right. You know, that's love.

Well, before he realizes that square is also an insult, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, HelloFresh.

Dude, this one too? All of them. Every bag.
Hey, guys. What you doing? Eli jerked off in all my food.
You're damn right I did, Heath, by definition. By definition, what's that mean?

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That's hellofresh.com, offer code no come. All one word.
HelloFresh. They let us type in our own promo code, and I think they're going to be upset about it.

Damn it, guys, we just got him back as a sponsor. Yeah, well, not for long.

Jesus.

And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Ryan Walters is almost too silly to be scary, right?

His main accomplishment as the Oklahoma State Superintendent has been to fail to buy a bunch of Trump Bibles, and he looks like an exclamation point grew a beard to try to hide its lack of a chin.

But he is trying to create a model of a national education system for American fascism. Secret technique.

And it would include a history standard that calls the 2020 election results into question. And that is genuinely fucking scary.

And now he's creating an ideological purity test for teachers transferring from out-of-state that will assess their commitment to American exceptionalism and, quote, the fundamental biological differences between boys and girls, end quote.

And who better to turn to when crafting a test meant to filter out knowledge and integrity? Why, Dennis Prager, of course.

So the state will be partnering with Prager U to develop their new assessment for out-of-state teachers. Yeah, just grab me that fuchsia pen and we'll start the exam.
Which one is that, you say?

You just passed your first question, sir.

I've had fuckshow with a woman. Do I get the job now? Yes.

You are Brian Walters. Right, yeah.

So, yeah, so according to Walters' SNT release on the subject, the new standards will evaluate teachers on three specific areas.

Knowledge of the Constitution, as deliberately misinterpreted by Dennis Prager, of course, their understanding of American exceptionalism, that is, why white Christian people are better than than other people, and the aforementioned transphobia module.

And Walters kind of gave the compliance game away a bit when he concluded by saying,

We're raising a generation of patriots, not activists, and I'll fight tooth and nail to keep leftist propaganda out of our classrooms, end quote.

Walk into your classroom to find Walters losing a wrestling match to a fossil

right.

Also, by the way, the CEO of Prager U is Marissa Strait, a former member of Israeli intelligence. And Masad did the fossil hoax.
They buried that shit to trick the Christians.

That's going to be a fight at the meetings. Yeah, right.

And look, I get it.

When you're an elected official and you're in charge of the 48th ranked education system in the country and your highest profile accomplishment is failing to buy Bibles, I get why you're terrified.

of an informed populace. And Prager U is very close to the opposite of informed.
So I get where Walters is coming from on this.

And I'm also loath to talk about it because it's clearly designed to like further elevate this nobody-ass official in a flyover state to the rank of the enemy of the woke left.

And in that sense, I'm playing into his hands by making a lead story of it.

But the commingling of MAGA propaganda and education is one of the most terrifying steps towards American fascism that we're currently watching.

And if they're successful, it'll also be one of the ones with the most far-reaching impact. So it's just, it's worth keeping an eye on.
Yeah.

And in high Leo overrated

Jesus Christ.

Okay.

Bobby Southside from Chicago, also known as Pope Leo XIV. Leo.
Had a busy week of being the direct conduit for humanity to the Catholic God of the universe.

Lots of big things happening in the world, but it looks like God wanted the new pope to get a, you know, a few quick touches of the ball early in the game to get warm.

So we got the declaration of the first official miracle of Bobby's reign. We got a papal phone call to Buzz Aldrin on the 56th anniversary of the moon landing.

And Bobby got a fun new t-shirt from his fellow Chicago Bears fans. It says, da, Pope, you know, like the sketch from Saturday Live.
From the 90s. Yeah.

A 20-year-old coincidence, a 56-year-old accomplishment, and a 30-year-old joke. He's learning to be antiquated a few decades at a time, guys.
Good strategy. Just getting warm.

Look, guys, nobody loves a bit like us here on the scathing atheist, but he is

still the head of an international child rape cabal that uses the majority of its power and sway to silence victims. So maybe we like give Michelle Obama a cool shirt

from Chicago. Sure, yeah.

All right. So here's the latest miracle that occurred in Rhode Island in 2007.
Reject the premise. Yep, that's fair.
That's fair.

It all started in 1816, though, when Valera Parra was born in Almería, Spain, and he grew up to be a priest in 1863, after God hit Spain with a big epidemic of cholera and a giant earthquake to...

I don't know, teach a lesson or something. Father Parra was super helpful in explaining how that should make you more Catholic instead of less Catholic.

Lots of people were like, this makes me less Catholic, I think, but he was helpful. Then he died in 1889.
He hung around in heaven for a while.

And then a kid named Taekwan Hall was born in 2007 in Rhode Island, but he was barely breathing right after being born.

So the attending physician, Juan Sanchez Esteban, also from Almería, Spain, prayed to Father Para, who zooped over to Pawtucket and made the baby start breathing better.

Of course, the Vatican Snopes department did a thorough investigation and it does all check out.

So Balera Parra is now a venerable servant of God. Oh, there you go.
On his way to a

fucking purple belt or whatever.

Well, so, okay, so I guarantee this doctor just always prays to that guy, knowing that if, you know, if like one of the kids finally starts breathing, it's going to be great for his brother-in-law's Segway tour business when that guy gets sainted or whatever.

And I, for one, love the idea that the first beatification from the American Pope might be for commercial purposes only. I love it.
I love it.

Go, Leo. I'm hearing that Chicago's having like a big bump in papal tourism stuff.
So it's been good for them already.

What's fucked up is, you know, the Bears are actually probably going to be pretty good this year and everybody's going to go, see?

It's the Pope. It's because the Pope is their guy.
And if the Bears do badly, shh, fuck, fuck.

Yeah, right.

That's why the Yankees do so well is they have all of Judaism.

All right. Well, that brings us to the miracle of outer space.
Pope Bobby paid a visit to the Vatican Astronomical Observatory in Castel Gandalfo last week.

And then he made a phone call to Buzz Aldrin to say congrats on.

you know, teleporting through the firmament that one time and landing on the moon. Yeah, that was tricky.
And of course, that reminded people about the big hoax.

And Moontruthers spent last week circulating a clip of Conan O'Brien saying that he remembers watching the moon landing on TV as a kid. He was talking to Buzz Aldrin at the time.

And then Buzz Aldrin says, no, you didn't. There wasn't any television.
There wasn't anyone taking a picture. You watched an animation.
And okay.

Buzz did say that when he was talking to Conan, but the full clip shows that Buzz was just explaining that one particular part of the broadcast was an animated graphic.

More importantly, a moon-truther was harassing Buzz Aldrin in 2002 when Buzz was 72 years old and the Truther guy was 37. And Buzz punched him in the face so fucking hard.
Yes, there is a video.

It's fun.

It used to be fun, but then he endorsed Trump in 2024 and marred that. Now he fucking sucks as hard as the vacuum of space.

Ooh, ooh, any chance space is willing to take him back? I feel like it would be, right? Yeah. Can we get like an even older astronaut to punch buzz? To punch buzz.

Yes.

Maybe. Okay.
What is the moon, if not the oldest astronaut?

All right. Well, speaking of space travel, arguably the single most amazing accomplishment of modern science.
Trump is trying to drastically defund NASA right now. Yeah.

In particular, he wants to slash their science programs by almost 50%.

The latest proposal from from the White House would completely abandon 19 currently operating science missions, including the Chandra X-ray Observatory, the Juno mission to study Jupiter, and two orbiting carbon observatories.

Because of course, data about carbon fucks up Trump's whole thing. Yep.

In response to the giant budget cuts, hundreds of current and former NASA employees, including 20 Nobel Prize winners, released a public letter letter called the Voyager Declaration, explaining, approximate quote, what the fuck is wrong with you?

The letter was very similar to the Bethesda Declaration written by doctors involved with the National Institutes of Health last month, which said, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You chopped off a whale's head with a chainsaw. They were very similar letters, except for the RFK part.

We'll see how it goes with the Voyager Declaration. It was sent to the acting director of NASA, who just got appointed by Trump, actually.
That would be Sean Duffy. Jesus, the guy from

Real World, Boston, and Road Rules All-Stars. He's in charge of NASA now.
He's also the Secretary of Transportation, which is all about

going-related stuff. So he's probably got plenty of relevant experience to NASA rules.
Well, and he occupies space, which is what the agency is all about, really. There you go.

And yes, he thinks Buzz Aldrin is that stuff he snorted off a guy's balls at a party one time, but he likes it. He liked it, and that should count for something.

And

just for terrifying context regarding the money involved, instead of cutting the science budget for NASA, we could double it. for the next 10 years.
And here's what it would take to pay for that.

Great. I love this idea.
We could keep all of Trump's tax cuts for the bottom 80% of earners and also keep 97% of the tax cuts for the top 20%.

That would pay for it. Then we could take the remaining 97% from those rich people and buy everyone in the country a literal pony and then buy everyone in the country six and a half more ponies.

Like good ones, by the way, not budget ponies. I checked on this.
And by the way, guys, do not Google budget ponies. You will bum yourself out.
You will. You will.

Or half ponies or buying half ponies. No.

Yeah.

And in confession regression news, regular listeners to our show will know that we've been following a new Washington law with cautious optimism.

A law that would require priests to report child endangerment and abuse, even if they heard about it within the sacred right of confession, because, this is important, the sacred right of confession is nothing.

Nothing. And child rape is real.

Now, despite the tremendous effort by the Catholic Church against it, the law made it through the state government and onto the government's desk where it was signed into law.

And then this week, it was blocked by a federal judge because hyperbole is impossible and people have the sacred right to child rape. Yeah, well, and that's the important thing, right?

I want to clarify that this law just, it wouldn't have required them to even report all the child rape that they heard about in confession, just the stuff that led them to believe there was an ongoing chance of harm right they would just have to stop help stop the future rapes that they know about and that was a bridge too far pre-cogs from minority report just get out of the pool angrily roll a giant boulder over to you it says catholic church the whole thing okay

we take off

Yeah, so first off, I want to give a big shout out to Emmy for sending us atheist news for the very first time to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Emmy, for sending us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, you may now whisper any secret you want to Bartholomew the hell mouse, and he will not tell anybody. We promise.

Unless you're fucking kids, then we will tell on you because we're not monsters. Yep.
Scathingnews at gmail.com. And if you send us news items, Eli will almost never imply that you're a pederast.

Most of the time, he's telling us

aren't great, Emmy. Not great.
Right. So I want to say that perhaps I've grown bitter, but but I'd like to point out how completely unsurprised I was by this decision.

At this point, these legal decisions feel like a Greek play where the chorus comes out and announces that the Theocrats are going to get away with raping kids right at the beginning.

The chorus is like, you should vote for Hillary Clinton. Yes, you should have voted for Hillary Clinton.

But even for the religious bullshittery we are used to on this program, the excuse was weak this time around with U.S. District Court Chief Judge David G.

Estudio, who granted the preliminary injunction, saying, quote, there is no question that SB 5375 burdens plaintiffs' free exercise of religion and saying that the legislation, quote, places them in the position of either complying with the requirements of their faith or violating the law.

So what? Yeah, for real. The consequences of violating the law are serious.
And as plaintiffs assert, the implications of violating the sacramental seal are more serious still.

But they aren't, though. They're not because those implications are fucking imaginary.
But regardless, their inability to fucking lightly beat the slaves they own conflicts with their faith as well.

Right.

That's why that shit cannot matter in terms of law. Hey, do we need to write a fucking book? Fine.
It's called All the Pedophiles Went to Jail Testament. I just earned it.

You have to make it real now.

Don't get ahead of me. Don't get ahead of me.

But this actually, this decision actually gets dumber because in his decision, the judge also pointed out out that Washington already has exceptions to mandated reporting, citing House Bill 1171, which also takes place on July 27th, that exempts attorneys employed by public or private education institutions from their mandatory reporting obligations if the information obtained is related to the representation of a client.

Right. But they don't get that exemption because they're defending child rapists, right? Like,

and they don't just voluntarily do that. You guys get that, right?

They do not. Okay, let's just, for the sake of argument, let's pretend for a second that your magic is real, Christian people, and pedophiles need to secretly confess.

Why are you trying to get pedophiles into heaven? What are you doing? That's a weird thing that you're doing. That's weird.
Good point. Sorry, I got to give out this get out of a jail free cards.

Fuck. What else am I going to do? So, yeah, this is obviously terrible, but there is a silver lining for our Washington residents.

We here at the Scathing Atheists are now pleased to announce the opening of the most holy church of murdering pedophile enablers and our sacred right of

murdering pedophile enablers right after we castrate them. Okay, my book just says they go to jail.
I get, okay, I listen to it. Nope, nope, I have a ramping it up.

My sacred right, which is that the core tenet of my faith, promises eternal salvation to all who castrate and murder pedophile enablers and threatens eternal damnation to those who do not.

While I know that murder is morally wrong and illegal, I am sure that this cohort of Catholic bishops and, of course, U.S. District Court Chief Judge David G.

Estulio understand that with some things, it's more important than a silly thing like laws. I think they're going to get it.
I think they're going to understand.

Sincerely held, I think castration was part of the things you're sincerely holding. Sincerely held testicles.
All right.

Well, clearly we've got some paperwork to do, so we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote in the Bible? A horse, what's your mind?

If it's a legitimate race,

cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm out of a man.
This weekend, Mississauga.

It's a good thing that the people of Tennessee have the Tennessee Medical Ethics Defense Act out there defending them from medical ethics.

See, this is a law that was enacted in April of this year that allows doctors to deny coverage to patients based on the I don't want to clause.

Specifically, it quote, prohibits a healthcare provider from being required to participate in or pay for a health care procedure, treatment, or service that violates the conscience of the health care provider, end quote.

So what does that look like in practice?

Well, according to an anonymous woman speaking at a town hall meeting in Jonesboro, Tennessee, it looks like like a doctor refusing her prenatal care because she was unmarried.

She's been with her partner for 15 years.

They have a 13-year-old kid together, but they have no intention of getting married. And so under this bullshit law, it was perfectly legal for the doctor's office to refuse her treatment.

Now, when interviewed, she made it clear that she wouldn't want to get treatment from the kind of bigot that would refuse her treatment in the first place, but she did so while acknowledging that she had the privilege of being white and employed and stuff.

For a lot of people in rural setting, they they wouldn't have the go-out of state option that she relied on.

They'd have to either succumb to their doctor's moral dictates and get married or just go without prenatal treatment.

It's all the more fucked up when you remind yourself that this law was originally justified, at least in part, with the dire moral concern about the fate of fetuses.

And speaking of shitty states along the 87th Meridian West with misogynistic laws, I've got a story out of Indiana for you.

See, they've got a lieutenant governor named Micah Beckwith, who, when he's not lieutenant governing, is a far-right hate preacher.

So anyway, earlier this month, he did an interview with a local PBS affiliate.

And during the interview, the subject comes up of a 10-year-old Indiana girl who was raped, but had to go out of state to get an abortion because Indiana law would have forced that baby to carry the pregnancy to term.

So anyway, he was asked about that, and he admits that he does support abortion in the case of rape, but he has conditions. And that should be enough to scare you right there.

But his condition is that he thinks that in that case, if a rape victim has to get an abortion, the rapist should be charged with first-degree murder.

And look, if you know me at all, you know I'm not here to defend rapist. I'd be perfectly fine with the punishment for rape and the punishment for first-degree murder to be equivalent.

But you have to be careful around shit like this. This is a novel way of trying to box pro-abortion voices in by disguising their anti-abortion proposal as anti-rape proposal.

Hard to argue with stiffening penalties for rape, isn't it? But any law that would equate abortion with murder is a dangerous concession to make, regardless of the immediate consequence.

And beyond all of that, it's a pretty fucked up admission that this asshole thinks a woman getting raped is a lesser crime than four indifferentiated cells getting flushed down a toilet.

And one last story before I let you go, for which we're going to need a way different longitude, because apparently China is freaking out a bit about a viral comedy routine about a woman who left her abusive husband.

This comedian who goes by Feng Zhuin, sorry, I'm sure I'm mispronouncing that, does this whole routine about her abusive husband and at the end she announces that she left him and the whole club gets up and cheers and people have tears in their eyes and clips of it go viral on Chinese social media.

And apparently the people in power there don't like the idea of women feeling empowered to leave their abusive husbands.

So all of a sudden, like two days after that went viral, the Chinese government issues new guidelines for comedians and how they should address differences between the genders.

Now, the new guidelines don't mention Feng Xuan by name or refer to her routine directly, but from the reporting I'm seeing, there's no question about what this is in response to.

And the new guidelines are filled with instructions to be constructive when pointing out the differences in genders and not present jokes as though men and women are in opposition.

It even offers up helpful examples like, quote, instead of mocking blindly confident men, it is better to explore the social causes of this mentality, end quote. Sounds hilarious.

And look, I'm all for encouraging comedians to drop the whole women be shopping bullshit, but I find it damn telling that this concern for gendered stereotypes in comedy only shows up when men are the ones being stereotyped.

And given that Stephen Colbert just got canceled for criticizing Dear Leader, I feel like this story might be a little more relevant to American politics than most of us are ready to admit.

And on that chilling reminder, I'll wrap things up and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda.

And in Can't Grant rant news, Baylor University was in danger of doing a good thing, or I'm sorry, of enabling a good thing to be done, or actually of studying how a good thing might be enabled.

But don't worry, they changed their mind and, bowing to pressure from hard-right Christians on Twitter, rejected a $643,000 research grant that would have funded a study into how LGBTQ people have been alienated by the church and how best to make them feel welcome, which Christian influencers opposed, of course, because that might lead to LGBTQ people feeling welcome.

Now, to be fair, they did provide the study with a big fat data point and they did it for free. Okay, so that was nice of them.
Huh? Okay, I get it, though.

Like your parents offer to pay for college, but then you got to pretend you like know how to read and keep that like you have to make up names of books or whatever. It's like a whole thing.

Right, right. So for those of you unaware, Baylor is the largest Baptist college in the world.

It's based in Waco, Texas, and it's every bit as bigoted as you'd expect a giant Baptist college in Texas to be. They have a stated policy of rejecting LGBTQ equality.

They barred their students from joining groups that promote LGBTQ equality up until like the year before last. They've dismissed alums from their advisory boards for being gay.

They've rescinded scholarships after finding out recipients were gay. They forced professors to resign for being gay.

They are as anti-gay as it is legal to be, but they were willing to take the money of an explicitly Christian group to see how churches could continue to be anti-gay without hurting the bottom line so much.

And that was too close to LGBTQ acceptance for a lot of Christian influencers, so they raised hell about it. Yeah, to be clear, this study was about how to oppress people indirectly.
Really?

And it was too woke for them. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Lukewarm bigotry. That's a slippery slope for Baylor.

That's where we are, though. Yeah.
Baylor is the most problematic thing to ever happen in Waco, Texas.

The only thing was near Waco, Texas, as people from Waco, Texas would like to remind you. Oh, okay.

So the grant money came. You would tell us about your public parks.

We've got a really good fish and chips. It was out in the county.
Fuck you. It was actually in the county.

So, okay, the grant money came from the Bow Foundation, a progressive Christian group, or, you know, progressive for a Christian group anyway, that funds Baptist nonprofits.

And this particular grant was meant to study how LGBTQ people had been disenfranchised by the church and to help Baptists better understand how to include them in their ministries.

Because, you know, at least some Baptist churches don't reject the existence of gay people.

And even some of the ones that do still want to bring them into their congregation so they can fucking de-gay them or at least take 10% of their money while condemning them.

But since all of that would require, you know, admitting how terrible the church has been to gay people and shit like that, Christian leaders responded to the news by accusing Baylor of going woke and of being beholden to the left wing.

And also, you have to change your name to Bail him.

This is insane. Yeah, right.
I won't bail him.

Now, of course, that put Baylor in in an awkward position because they can't just come out and say, guys, they're giving us over half a million dollars to eventually say, yeah, it turns out it's the us telling them they're going to burn in hell that was doing it.

So be cool. Just XNA.

So instead,

they ultimately rejected the donation.

They said that the two researchers who were leading the study, quote, voluntarily offered to rescind their acceptance of this grant, end quote, which

yeah, if you have ever been remotely close to the process of applying for a half million dollar research grant, You already know that's fucking bullshit.

There was nothing voluntary about that decision. Nope.
Once we got Greg's fingers pried off the binder, he bit everyone in the room two, three times.

He was ready.

He was good. Here at CBS, we realized we never deserved to have this oversized check for $16 million.

Yeah. We found a better home for it.
We've chosen this. There you go.

And look, this story is important for a couple of reasons, but I mostly bring it up because I think it's an important rhetorical tool for atheists, right?

Because we're constantly confronted by the existence of these like liberal Christian groups like the Bow Foundation, right?

And we're presented with them as though they counteract the bigoted shit that Christians do.

And this is yet another reminder that whenever those progressive groups come into conflict with the hate groups, Christianity at large, both its congregants and its leaders, side with the hate groups.

Are the hate groups? We are that too. Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, look, if you side with the hate groups every time, you're the hate groups.
You're the hate groups. As Noah Neither is telling.

And finally, tonight in Yeti or Not News,

the vice rector of Denver's St. John Vianney Theological Seminary found himself in hot water this week for leading his students in a late-night Yeti-themed blood ritual.
What the fuck is happening?

Because the religion that regularly eats the magically transformed body and blood of their Savior will be damned if a Halloween adventure costume is going to get involved.

Okay, I am looking forward to the next movie by the right family, which is clearly the right family involved.

They're all like, how dare you insult our faith by including fantasy creatures that don't have wings? Our fantasy creatures have wings, Larry. Larry, it's a big part of it.
Right.

So, with a big thanks to Maim and the many,

many

others of you who know us and see us. This was sent us like a MicroDell story in terms of

claxons going on. Yes, you sent us that story to scathingnews at gmail.com, according to reports by pillarcatholic.com.

Quote, in January of 2024, Friar Nepil, that's the guy who's in trouble, took some 15 seminarians on a ski trip to a house in the mountains in the Crested Butt area. That's beautiful.

I don't think Catholic priests are allowed in the Crested Butt area. Noted, noted.
Belonging to a Catholic family close to Friar Nepal.

According to several clerics familiar with events, in the middle of the night, the seminarians were woken and told to sit in silence in the living room before being invited individually into a trailer on the house's grounds.

Go home. Time to leave.
When they, yeah,

anybody who was like, all right, let's see where this goes.

You're done. Nope.
Just out into the snow. Yeah, you're leaving and you're an atheist now.
Yeah.

Okay.

When they entered the trailer, I'm continuing the quote here. By the way, I'm not making any of this up.

When they entered the trailer, the seminarians were met by Friar Nephil, who can be seen in the video setting up a camera to record the occasion, along with a senior seminarian and participant on the trip and a person dressed in a Yeti cocktail.

Cool, cool, cool, cool. You guys doing like the

cryptid, the ego, and the super ego?

What is this? All right, I'm just going to say, if we end it right here, this is one hell of a writing prompt.

Exactly. Yeah, get going, you

furry writers out there.

All right, continuing the quote: In the video of the ritual seen by the pillar, the seminarian is asked if he has, if he, quote, has any idea what's going to happen, to which the seminarian responds, no.

Really hoping it's a beef jerky commercial? I hope you guys are doing a really weird Jacklenx commercial right now. Write a family film, maybe

you're about to enter into a sacred tradition, he is told. Are you ready for it? The seminarian is also informed that people who come up here and not everyone makes it enter into the tradition.

The way it works, the only way you can enter into this family is you got to make a blood oath.

He is told in the video. While it is explained that the group started with another seminarian whom they knew would have the balls to go through with the initiation, we're hoping you have them too.

If you enter, I'm quoting directly. I know it seems like I'm doing a bit, I'm quoting from the article, podcast listener.

If you enter into this family, there's no going back, the seminarian is informed. Now, it's not pretty, as you can see, seminarian is told, seated in front of the bloody surface and knife.

But if there's enough courage in there, we can get through it. At that point, the seminarian nods his head in assent.
Why? Friar Nepal. Why? It's such a good question.

I was reading this article being like, what? What do you say? There's so many moments of, okay, leave now. Leave now.
No,

no.

And Friar Nepal can be seen leaning into the camera and holding a dagger as the seminarian bears his left arm and places it on the table. This is going to hurt for a second.
Ready?

Friar Nepal says, before counting down from three, at which point a voice says, stop. There is another option.
Okay. If this is me, I'm like, no, I'm good.
Let's do it. Chop my arm.

Stab me in the arm. I want this.

So, yeah, keep in mind, they haven't even said what he gets for this, right? This has barely even risen to the level of mystery box.

And already these motherfuckers are like, no, I'll give an arm for it.

It's a potent reminder of the kinds of people their church attracts, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Honestly, like, if you were like Eli, stabbed in the arm real bad or seminary, I'm taking stabbed in the arm real bad.
Okay.

You think if I bluffed them, they'd just have to stop and be like, fuck. Or do you think they would do it? I think they'd stab you.

I don't think we've learned anything from this article.

Maybe I already think that. All right.
Continuing the quote here. And I'm sorry I'm quoting so much, but it's so perfect.

Quote, the seminarian is then told that, quote, Having already shown your bravery, the ritual can be completed with bear blood.

As grizzly bear blood is poured poured on his hand, the seminarian is told that there is no going back and is asked to make the most guttural scream you can possibly make to show commitment to this tradition for the benefit of the others waiting to be initialed.

Commitment as part of a ruse

as part of this reply.

Okay.

After he screams, Fire Nipple and the Yeti figure shake the seminarian's hands. That's a crazy moment because the guy in the Yeti costume is like, like, nah, all right, handshake.

Do we dab? Do we dab?

And he is told to go out there and make sure the other guys see you with the blood, but don't tell them what's going on. End quote.

Okay, I'm telling the next guy in line or somebody like a few down the line to dress up as a Yeti also, just walk in and be like, all right, let's fucking do this. Oh, it's the break.
Yes.

I don't know. I feel like like the people see him coming out with his bloody arm and they go, hey, guys, we're not getting raped.
Good news this is so

this is just cutting our arms holy that's great

so as you can imagine based on my beautiful word tale that i just painted for you all just now friar nipple was fired but this is religion after all so it is not clear when again according to the pillar quote While the Archdiocese said in a statement to the pillar that Friar Nipple was removed from his position as a formator and house father immediately after the incident was uncovered, he returned to his post as vice rector until the end of 2024-25 academic year and remains on the seminary academic faculty as a professor.

And quote. Well, it was a good prank.
It was a good prank, they're saying. Yeah.
So yeah, with a final good luck to the students who have the Yeti guy as a professor this year,

we'll keep our ear to the ground for more developments as the story goes on.

And with a quick reminder that it isn't isn't worse than what we pay him to do, just different, we're going to wrap the headlines up for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.
Chumanji.

And when we come back, we'll check the Don Ford traps once again.

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Their lawyers were so clear about not saying that.

They really were.

Don't come to the airport.

Yeah, but then between their kid getting on TikTok and being like, oh, look, it's my parents. And then both of their insane statements.
I mean, the whole family is just giving me the ick.

Oh, yeah, it's totally a weird scenario. So this all happened to Cold Play? No, Keith, it happened at Cold Play.
Pay attention.

No. Hey, guys.
You ready for Bible Peace Theater? Oh, you mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. Oh, hey, Don.
When did you get here?

Oh, Eli told me you guys were doing a surprise live show in a shipping crate, and and then he just locked me inside and brought me here again.

I keep telling you, man, nothing that we do is in a shipping crate. It's always a trap, man.
Yeah, yeah. But hey, hindsight's 2020.
Is it? Because it's been like 11 times. Are you sure? Anyways,

where were we in the Bible? We were in Acts. Right, right.
Everyone's trying to figure out how to Christian now that Jesus is dead. Exactly.

And now they're going to settle the all-important matter of the tips of their dicks.

Okay, if you guys would just listen.

Absolutely not, James. I'm not listening to any of this shit.
Hey, hey, guys, what's all this yelling? Finally, Peter, will you talk to your apostle over here?

About what? They're saying the Gentiles you preach to can be saved without being circumcised. I swear, if I cut off the tip of my putts for nothing,

the Messiah came back, guys. Things are going to change.
Okay, look, look, everybody.

All God told me was to preach to the Gentiles. He did not tell me anything about dick requirements.
Look, look, I got an idea. I got an idea.
What if the new rules are a little bit less intense?

Oh, now it's intense.

Like, like, no idols, no fornication, and no eating blood.

Are a lot of people signing up to eat blood? It's actually way more than you'd think.

And, and one more thing, no eating something that has been strangled. Very food-centric rules there, James.
Yeah, well, that's what I think we should do. All right, fine.

I'll write everyone a letter that those are the new rules. Yeah, and don't forget the blood thing.
Don't worry. I will not forget the blood thing.
Good.

Okay, I like really want to eat some blood now. It's all I've been thinking about for like the last 10 minutes.

Hey, Paul. Hey, Barnabas.
Yeah. So I was thinking, we should go visit all the people we preached to before.
Oh, that's a great idea. Awesome.
Awesome. I'll go get Mark.

Oh, I, hey,

maybe

we just go. What? What? What's wrong with Mark? Oh, nothing.
Nothing is wrong with Mark. I just, I didn't feel like this was a Mark trip, you know? What are you talking about?

Mark loves preaching to Gentiles. No, no, no, I'm aware that he does.
I feel like

he changes the vibe a little bit. What? Since when? It just.

I just kind of feel like everything becomes about Mark. I don't feel like that's what happens.
Yeah, well, you don't exactly mind when the vibe changes. Okay, what is that supposed to do?

No, you know what? Actually, you know what? Never mind. Why don't you just go see the Gentiles we preach to with Mark, and I'll go somewhere else with Silas.
You're being so weird. You are a normal.

You're being weird.

And so I said Mark changes the vibe. Well, I mean, because he does.
Because he does. Thank you, Silas.
Oh, excuse me.

Oh,

hey, can we help you? Oh, yes. My name is Timothy, and I'm a big fan of Jesus.
Oh. Oh, so big.
Awesome. Well, dude, you should come with us.
Oh, I would love that.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, but to be safe, we should circumcise you.

Oh,

I thought we weren't doing that anymore, though.

We're not. We're not to gentiles but you're half jewish half greek right oh yes tell from the accent yeah yeah so better to keep the old snip snip intact you know oh right

hey any chance the jewish half is the top half

right right

but but seriously we should cut off okay no no i understand yeah and the return of the messiah resulted in way more technicalities about our dicks than i thought it would like Like way more, right?

Oh, tell me about it.

All right, brothers, time to journey across to Asia.

Uh,

one second. I'm getting a message from the Holy Spirit.
You are?

Yeah, he says we shouldn't go to Asia and preach there. Really?

Why?

It is not because of the widespread cultural rejection of Western religious influence and a well-documented history of failure to proselytize from early Christians in Asia. It's not.
No.

No, it's not. We just

never went there. I aren't.
We aren't going there. Seems like weird that God would damn a whole continent to hell just.

It's just randomly like that. Yeah, well, maybe they shouldn't be good arguers.

What? I said the Holy Ghost told me.

Aren't we in Asia?

Excuse me. Are you the gentleman telling everyone about Jesus?

We are, my lady. Who are you? I am Lydia, a seller of purple, if you know what I mean.
Oh,

we know what you mean.

Wait, I actually don't know what she means. What's a seller of purple? Okay, yeah, so this actually gets a little complicated.

So at the time the Bible was written, it meant she just literally was a dye salesman, right? She just sold purple.

But Lydia has her own house and she has her own servants and she's one of the six women in the Bible who even has her own name.

So feminist theology has sort of carried that forward to mean that she's gay. Ooh, well, that's cool.
Yes, queen. Indeed.
Definitely not that. Dude, how does that work?

This moment is cool. I mean,

no

queen.

No queen. Moving on.
So, but her being gay would be great, but she's about to become Christian. So that immediately got twisted into a gay conversion story.
Oh, that's not fun. Yeah.

And so now there's quite a bit of baggage associated with that as well. Right.
So no fun lesbian character? Probably for the best that we do not know.

Okay. But I really wanted to hear Heath say, I love Munch and Clunge.

Another time.

Yeah.

Maybe, Queen.

So now it's time for Paul to exercise some more spirits.

I just feel like the rush to TV show everything superhero hasn't served that. Oh, yeah, no, I totally see that.
Yeah. Wait, what happened? We were supposed to be back in the Bible.

Oh, you must have forgotten to beep out of the beep. Okay, so the swoosh took you somewhere else in this conversation.
Oh, right. Got it.
So hold on. So you're not excited for the Mr.
Terrific show?

Look, I am, but I just feel like TV showing everything that should be a movie isn't serving the medium. Well, I liked Andor.
Obviously, Andor was great.

I want to get back to the vibe. Well, what I beep? Yeah, beep.

And so Mark says, I hear you think I ruined the vibe. And I said, well, first of all, I didn't say ruin.
I said change. No, yeah, I totally remember you said change.
Oh, hey.

Look at these guys.

Here to tell everyone about the savior, are you?

Uh, yeah.

What's wrong with this little girl? Oh, uh, she's my slave. Uh, give me five bucks and she'll tell your fortune.
These guys freaking love Jesus. Wow, she's right.
We do.

Okay, that is very impressive, but that's like a demon doing that, right?

She could just be insightful, wise, beyond her years. Oh, no, man.
I'm totally a demon. Dude, shut up.
No worries. Gotcha.
I got it. Demon, I command you in the name of Jesus to leave this child.

Huh? How do you feel now?

Oh, much better. Thank you.

Do you know the future? Animal crackers. Man.

Right.

Jewish elders of this city, why do you rabble so?

You ruined my fortune teller. Now she just wants to watch Paw Patrol all the time? Okay, in my defense, she was filled with a demon, everybody.
A profitable demon. I want justice for this.

Sorry, Paul, but it was a profitable demon. We gotta tear your clothes off and throw you into prison.
Wait, why do you tear our clothes? Oh, it was Clarence's idea.

Start with her shirt. Oh, okay.

Stupid jail. Why do we keep getting thrown into prison, right?

Oh, hey, do you want to pray and see if God lets us out? Oh, that's a great idea. Okay.

God,

a little, little help here. Amen.

Hey, look at that. We're free.
Holy shit. What happened? Oh, hey, jailer.
We just prayed for God to free us and he broke open our cells. Fuck, I am going to kill myself.

I'm sorry. What? You guys have God powers and you broke my jail.
I'm going to get in so much trouble. I should just fucking kill myself.
I'm going to do it. Oh, hey, hey, buddy.
Don't.

Don't do that. No, I'm going.
I'm going to. And then I'm going to go to hell.
No, hey, not if you believe in Jesus with us. us.
Wait.

You guys promise? Yeah, yeah. If you don't kill yourself, we'll come baptize you and your whole family tonight, buddy.

Nobody has to go to hell. Okay.
Well,

that's cool then. Yeah.
Nice. Yeah, we're going to have to walk, though.
I think they took our horses. If we have to walk, I will kill myself.
I will look for the horses.

So now it's time for Paul and Silas to head to Thessalonica, where they cause a whole bunch of trouble.

hey Jason Jason get out here yes the Jews of the city what say you we're gonna knuckle bust your balloon knot man drain you like a frosting bag bro whoa

heath Eli what the fuck are you guys doing the uh the bible says the jews which believe not moved with envy took unto them certain lewd fellows of the baser sort

and gathered a company and set all the city in an uproar and assaulted the house of jason and sought to bring them out to the people okay so you know frosting bag.

Certain lewd fellows of the baser sort just meant like

ruffians.

Ruffians. Got it.

You guys are still going to talk like that in the scene, aren't you? Yes, we are. Very much so.
Yes.

Anyway, get down here so we can bring you and your Jesus friends to the officials of the city. Yeah, come slut.

Guys, Paul and Silas, they're already gone. They've moved on to Berea.

Is that like bear week? Because we are definitely in the middle of the year. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sorry.

It's not like bear week. Damn.
All right, fine. Let's go to Berea and kill them there.
You can try, but they're just going to flee to Athens. I mean, I'm up for a trip to Athens, right?

Oh, yeah, me too. Happy time.

Okay.

Love, munch, and clunge. Yay, we did it.

Right?

And now that Eli has checked that off his bizarre fucking list, I suppose we can wrap things up for now. But there will be more acts to come in the next installment of Bible Peace Theater

Before we go over the waterfall this week. I want to make it clear that that HelloFresh ad was a joke.
That is not a promo code that will get you a shipping discount.

Please do not use it and then tell them that you got it from us. We actually could get in trouble for that one.
Anyway, that's all the blast we've got got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, Ben, look out for a brand new episode of our Sister Show, The Skeptic Rad, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our Sister Show's Hot Friend, God Offl Movies, debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Have Sister Show's Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I can't call this an episode of a neglect to thank Heath Enright for being the North Star of this podcast. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for also being a roiling ball of gas.

I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for also being as bright as they come.

I also want to thank Don Ford, Voice of Fantasy and Adventure, for suffering through a truly Odyssean number of technical hurdles to record Bible Peace Theater with us this week.

Holy shit, was everything being a pain in the ass. I also, I want to thank Chris for providing this week's poetic Farnsworth quote.

It's a little longer than I'd normally use, but given the combination of how much effort you obviously put into it and us having a super short C-segment this week, it made the cut.

Thanks so much, Chris. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most pleasant people, Paul, Adam, Austin, Shatoya, Stella, Able-Bodied Seaman, and Pam.

Paul and Adam, whose synapses are so busy they need crossing guards.

Austin and Shatoya, who are so sexy the MPAA warns movies about them, and Stella, Abel, and Pam, whose IQs are too high for anybody but them to comprehend.

Together, these seven delightful denizens of disbelief deign to donate dollars to our droll derision of dogmatic doctrines this week, and if you'd like to join their ranks, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists whereby you'll own early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but you're still saving up for that doggy in the window, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morton Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, we've got that you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scanatheus.com.

Is triangle good? Yeah, triangle is good. Yeah, it's a tall one.
Well, rectangle would be the tall one.

I thought about rectangle. You thought about it, but it was too hard.
Yeah, too hard.

What happened to us? We used to have balls.

And now we just have circles.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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