645: De-Johnsoned Edition

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Warning, the following podcast contains those words that stupid people get more offended about than actual harmful stuff.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by BetterHelp and by your local tin council, which would like to remind you that conspiracy theorists are aluminum foil hat people.

Tin has nothing to do with them.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Namaste, I'm Suhas from India.

In computer programs, we use if-or-else statements to make decisions.

But there is no if-or-else else about the fact that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey people.

That's right, screen reader.

It's Thursday.

It's July 10th, 10th.

And it's Pina Colada Day.

All right, fine, but fuck getting caught in the rain.

Oh yeah, because the worst thing about the adultery song is the weather.

No illusions.

I'm Michael Marshall.

I'm Heathen Wright.

And from Liverpool, England, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia, this is Skathing East.

On this week's episode, the Dalai Lama says to bet on his reincarnation.

Dr.

Phil needs Chapter 11 protection on more than just his morality.

And Marsh will try to prove that his country doesn't have the woo-iest sovereign.

But first, the diatribe.

Marjorie Taylor Green's out there blaming motherfucking space lasers again, y'all.

Now, to her credit, this time she refrained from blaming a specific ethnic group for the natural disaster and instead blamed cloud seeding.

Or, actually, she was careful not to directly blame the flooding in Texas on cloud seeding, but while that disaster was ongoing and dominating the news cycle, she took to even worse Twitter to say,

I am introducing a bill that prohibits the injection, release, or dispersion of chemicals or substances into the atmosphere for the express purpose of altering weather, temperature, climate, or sunlight intensity.

Adding, quote, we must end the dangerous and deadly practice of weather modification, end quote.

And look, there's a lot wrong with that tweet, so I can't go after everything.

Really hard to pass up pedant bait like chemicals and substances, but I'm going to do it.

And I'm going to cut to the clear implication, which is, of course, that weather modification played some part in the deadly floods in Texas, specifically the injection of a chemical.

Now, this suggests that she's blaming cloud seeding, but it could also be a more veiled reference to like the chemtrail family of conspiracy theories, right?

Now, of course, cloud seeding is a real thing.

I mean, theoretically, like people are doing it for sure, but there's still so serious doubts as to whether it has any effect.

The idea is that you dump a substance, usually silver iodide, I think it is, into clouds that would have the potential for rainfall in the hopes that giving the water something to accumulate on will trigger the rain and it'll go ahead and fall.

This practice has been going on for decades all over the world.

No definitive evidence that it works.

which is a strong indicator that it doesn't, but there's absolutely no evidence that suggests that you could use it to cause cause a fucking flood.

Right now, like I said, MTG did stop short of directly blaming the deaths of those hundred-plus people on nefarious undisclosed Illuminati cloud seating, but fellow Georgia Republican Candace Taylor of Jesus Guns Babies fame chimed in to not only directly blame secret weather modification for the floods in Texas, but also for all the damage caused by Hurricane Helene.

The failed gubernatorial candidate and inspired failed congressional candidate called the flooding in Texas fake weather, adding, quote, if fake weather causes real tragedy, that's murder, end quote.

Now, to Candace's credit, she did finally put an ampersand between guns and babies in her Jesus Guns Babies slogan, so it no longer sounds like an accusation against Jesus, but that's all the credit I'm giving that lady.

When people tweeted back, hey, lady, can you please wait to accuse us of being crisis actors until the crisis is at least over?

She said no.

Specifically, she said, quote, I'm not walking back a thing.

No one can control the way you raging liberals twist words, end quote.

See,

I was taking her dangerously false attempt to hijack the deaths of scores of people, including children, to score political points with conspiracy theorists out of context, guys.

It was my fault.

But of course, none of this bullshit is new, and it's not remotely isolated to this disaster.

Last year, the state of Tennessee passed a law banning fucking chemtrails.

Which is a bit like outlawing the vibranium trade or unicorn poaching.

But the fact that chemtrails are a fever dream by people on the internet with bad source checking protocols didn't stop Florida from following suit with a law against weather modification of their own.

Arizona, Kentucky, Texas, and Pennsylvania are all in the process of passing similar legislation.

And look, it's easy to overlook the malicious aspect of this and just focus on the idiocy.

But these laws don't exist because the lawmakers genuinely think that the Illuminati is dumping chemicals out of the back of airplanes to make the frogs gay.

They exist because that's what lawmakers want you to believe and focus on.

Because to be clear, there are nefarious people that are putting toxic chemicals into the atmosphere that are causing deadly storms.

And the people paid to ensure that they're able to continue doing that are the same motherfuckers who are passing these laws.

The fact is that at this point, the impact of climate change is too great to ignore, even for their followers.

As the climate turns ever more against us, even their most ardent supporters are starting to say, okay, well, then why are all the exact consequences all them hippies kept saying what happened happening?

And they've got to go, well, that would be the

Jewish, Jewish

space lasers.

See, look, this country may be run by idiocy, but that doesn't mean it's run by idiots.

Sure, they've got an idiot at the top, yes.

and a lot of idiots all the way down through the bottom, but the motherfuckers pulling the strings aren't idiots.

The oligarchs protecting their rights to pollute, the tycoons trading our futures for their retirement those people aren't stupid they're wielding stupid as a tool and it's a damn effective tool and part of the reason it's so effective is because it's hard for us to take our opponents seriously when they're warning us about fucking chemtrails and jewish space lasers

It is so easy to dismiss this as too stupid to merit our attention, but our inattention to it is killing people.

And we need to treat it as the homicidal misinformation it is rather than just some quirky bullshit a racist lady said.

They're talking about your Jesus.

Joining me for headlines tonight are two men who most listeners probably imagine just sitting there while I do the diatribe, Heath Enright and Michael Marshall Fellows.

Sorry if I got a little long-winded there.

It's cool.

We talked about Falconry.

It was funny.

Oh, cool.

Yeah.

And the thing is, I actually start every recording religious, and then I get deconverted again by each diatribe.

So it is handy for me to listen.

But I do come from a different religion each time.

This week, I was Aurelian.

Oh, well, it's speaking Aurelians.

The Falconry Talk was interesting.

It's time for a word from this week's sponsor, BetterHelp.

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I suppose so.

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Oh, he's off for his semi-annual void scream.

His, his what?

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Awesome.

Well, I guess I won't be being this anymore.

What's that?

Oh, it's my void scream punch card.

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Okay.

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Can I have that?

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And now back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, the Republican war against Mike Johnson notched a hell of a victory this week.

And I'm not talking about the new ID verification laws that are fueling the VPN golden age at the moment.

No.

The Johnson that I'm talking about is the Johnson Amendment, or was the fucking Johnson Amendment, I guess.

That's the amendment first introduced by then Senator Lyndon B.

Johnson that theoretically forbade churches from directly endorsing political candidates whilst remaining tax exempt.

And I say theoretically because it's been the unofficial policy of the IRS not to enforce the amendment since fucking pretty much forever.

But that unofficial policy just became official in the form of a court filing in which the IRS asks the court to please forbid them from enforcing the law, but promises not to obey it regardless.

It's just theater to cover stupid theater.

It's like, okay, now you say my back hurts or whatever, great.

Now I give you a post-it that says legal pot.

You just have to go, okay, there we go.

Except it should all be illegal in the case of the Johnson.

In this, yeah, in this instance.

Yeah.

But like theater to cover stupid theater is the whole point of American Christianity at this point.

It's like, okay, now you say praise Jesus and I give you this communion wafer.

And now we get to subjugate women and minorities, which is what we're trying to do anyway.

Yep.

Yep.

So, okay, so this all comes in response to a lawsuit that we talked about back on episode 603, in which a couple of churches and the National Religious Broadcasters Intercessors for America sued the IRS over the enforcement of the rule.

Or actually, I'm sorry, since the rule has virtually never been enforced for the threat of the enforcement of the rule and the chilling effect that that threat has over the free speech of the pastors and preachers that ignore it.

But what threat are they even worried about with a rule that's never been enforced?

Right.

They're being persecuted by, if you keep doing that, I'm going to carry on saying, if you keep doing that, it's someone.

Right.

Right.

Well, their argument is that they should be able to say whatever the hell they want because of free speech.

And of course, the correct answer is you can say anything you want.

You just can't do it and force taxpayers to subsidize that speech.

But to nobody's surprise, that is not the answer that the Trump-led IRS landed on.

I want to eat my cake and have it too.

And I wasn't finished.

You all have to buy it for me, I guess.

Yes, right.

Yeah.

So rather than even trouble the Supreme Court with striking down the Johnson Amendment, the IRS moved to castrate it on their own.

They submitted a brief to the court in conjunction with the plaintiffs, promising to never enforce the law as written.

Instead, they say telling congregants who to vote for is akin to a family discussion about politics, which we also don't tax subsidize.

And they say that, quote, communications from a house of worship to its congregation in connection with religious services through its usual channels of communication on matters of faith do not run afoul of the Johnson Amendment as properly interpreted, end quote.

And I guess it is like a family discussion about politics, but it's specifically one of those families where people are pressured and bullied by the head of the family into how they need to vote.

This is the kind of families that people usually need rescuing from and write books about having escaped from.

And I just want to understand the logic here.

Corporations are people

and also churches are people, apparently.

So corporations, churches, and people are all the same thing.

And I would like all my taxes back, please.

Well, I don't think people are people anymore.

No, they're not people at all.

No, that's true.

It's only corporations and churches that are people now.

Yeah.

Once you're born, you stop being people.

Fundamental corporate rights.

It's important.

So you might be scratching your head a bit as to what exactly, quote, usual channels of communications on matters of faith, end quote, means, right?

Since all the stuff churches do are theoretical usual communications on matters of faith, right?

Like a Facebook post, is a usual channel of communication on matters of faith, isn't it?

Even a promoted one.

Hell, a straight-up fucking advertisement in the paper or on television might be a usual channel of communication on matters of faith, if you think about it.

The He Gets Us campaign is proof of that.

Yeah, as well as being proof that the church does not get us.

Well, that too, yes.

So what the IRS has essentially done in this case is they've created tax-deductible dark money super PACs.

Yep.

And I don't think the churches who are celebrating this have really considered where that ultimately leaves them.

Yeah.

Okay, we got to get some dark money together and fire up some like fake secret lairs with like weird flashy lights that say not summoning demons at the front gate.

Just to fuck.

Yeah, at least, right?

And in Delaware of the land news, when we criticize organized religion, I said I had a second one.

I said I had a second one.

When we criticize organized religion, it's normally a fair bet which religions we're going to be taking issue with.

It's almost always one of the Abrahamic three, Christianity, Islam, and Judaism in order of likelihood, essentially.

And that's not a sign of prejudice, despite what the Christians and their persecution kink would have you believe.

It's just testament to which testaments are dominant in the places that atheists and skeptics live, or at least the English-speaking ones do.

Right.

Yes.

And let this explanation also serve for all the dude bro atheists who say we don't shit on Islam enough.

Yes.

But also fuck.

Jainism.

Okay.

So there you go.

Equal opportunity.

Whoa, they seem nice.

Fuck the Janes.

But while familiarity might rightly breed contempt, we shouldn't let unfamiliarity breed respect.

And we shouldn't let non-Western religious faiths off the hook entirely, especially where they're just as superstitious as the best that the Bible has to offer.

And we got a reminder of that last week as the Dalai Lama gave us a clue as to the approximate place on the map where he's going to be reborn.

Oh, wait, approximate?

Kind of takes away from the enlightened magic thing when you're given like, I don't know, fucking ballpark estimates about where that's going to happen and, like, fine print results may vary.

Like, yeah, right, right.

Some set of

things may have occurred.

Sorry, Marsha, I was actually reading an email from somebody with a coexist sticker on their car that was using the Dalai Lama as their singular example of a religious leader they claim is harmless.

What were you saying about him?

So, yeah, for those who don't know, while the Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader of the Buddhists around the world, his position isn't actually a title that passes from person to person like how we recently saw the popehood pass from francis to bob from boston or whatever oh okay everyone from chicago is furious right now but it's basically the same thing right

new york gets it yeah i mean all your cities look the same to me and everyone from chicago was already furious that's the natural change as far as i can tell so it's that's fair Instead, the Dalai Lama is actually believed to be one guy who just keeps being reincarnated back into the same role as faith leader.

And last week, a few days before the Dalai Lama's 90th birthday, he was at a public appearance when he saw his own shadow, thus predicting 60 more years of Dalai Lama.

I mean, it wasn't actually that, but it was closer to that than a rational world ought to be comfortable accepting.

Well, yeah, no,

it wasn't less dumb than seeing his shadow.

It was just less funny than that.

Yeah, it's just different, dumb.

But now I want to see Groundhog Day 2 with like Bill Murray as a new new Dalai Lama every morning.

And instead, he explained that he'd be following the traditions of his predecessors, which I guess we're all saw him.

Yeah.

In being reincarnated back onto Earth.

So he doesn't think Earth is quite fixed yet then?

Turns out, no.

And then once he's reincarnated, he's going to make himself known to the Gaden Fodrang Trust, who traditionally decide which young child's body the Lama's soul has quantum leaped into.

And he also reiterated his claim that against the wishes of the Chinese government, his reincarnation will take place outside of China.

Which, you know, that that increases the odds of any one of us becoming the next Dalai Lama from one in eight billion to just one in 6.6 billion.

All right.

I mean, Tibet seems cool to visit.

Maybe I think I'm good.

Like, if anybody wants a drink ticket, let me know

being a llama.

All right.

But the funniest person they could go with now, though, would be Scott Bakula, right?

Oh, God, God, yes, absolutely.

But if you're harboring hope of leading the world's Buddhists for the next lifetime, you first have to pass a very stringent test.

So children with Lama potential are vetted to make sure that one of them has a personality that's a bit similar to the previous Dalai Lama or that they can recognize at least some of the previous Dalai Lama's possessions.

And if they tick either of those boxes, they're definitely him.

This kid is definitely that Dalai Lama.

That's a a weird test.

And this test is particularly rigorous, given that it is administered by people who both know the right answer to those questions and are fervently motivated to come to the conclusion that, yes, one of these kids is really their reincarnated leader.

Yeah, if the cop wants to search your trunk, he'll get that German shepherd to bark or not, and he'll make up a lie.

He's going in that trunk either way.

Yeah, right, right.

So, like, honestly, I will switch to Buddhism if they, like, if they let Marsh administer the tests from now on, right?

Oh, yes, prove to Marsh that this is the reincarnation of the Dalai Lama.

And, you know, you might think that modernization is in order and the Dalai Lama might even agree because in 2019, he speculated that it might be time for him to be reincarnated as a woman.

At which point, you know, long-term Buddhist fanboys complained that the franchise has gone all woke and burned their Dalai Lama Funko Pops in protest.

Now, I'm kidding.

These are Buddhists we're talking about.

They're not sci-fi fans.

And also, they don't let Buddhists have access to matches and gas cans anymore.

Oh, no, they know why.

Just a monk activist who got that short straw about to get lit on fire.

Guys, wait, wait.

How good is AI at the deep fakes now?

Check Dali Lama real quick.

See how good it is.

Amazing.

And so still, with the fact, and I do mean fact, that the Dalai Lama will be reincarnated and that he could be reincarnated as a woman, a woman who is definitely not from China.

And given the trend we've seen in appointing new religious heads of faith of late, all the signs are pointing to one thing, Cecil Boston lady Dalai Lama.

I am here for that.

Next up in headlines, in putting the Mo and Molestation news, the Trump administration is working hard to protect child rapists these days.

And I'm not just talking about the Epstein client list because that doesn't exist.

Obviously,

cornerstone of the conspiracy theory that's defined their side's entire existence for the last six years doesn't exist.

It never did.

And you know what?

It's very conspiratorial of you to suggest otherwise.

So that's true, but that's only because it's technically not a list if it only has a single name on it.

And if that name is annoyingly autographed in a stupid market page,

up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down the whole way.

Yeah.

Now, so I'm talking instead about the Department of Justice announcing a lawsuit against the state of Washington over their law that requires priests to report all the ongoing child sex abuse they're aware of, regardless of how they know about it.

Hey, Donald, why do you hate the police?

Personally, I care about a thin blue line.

Maybe you've heard of it.

Now, I'm sure you'll remember this law.

We've talked about it as recently as episode 637.

But the long and short of it is that generally speaking, things that priests learn through the confession are protected in more or less the same way that shit you tell your doctor or your lawyer is protected.

Because if you believe in salvation and shit, the ability to be honest with your priest without fear of legal consequences is necessary for evil people to make it into heaven.

But salvation isn't real.

So some localities have pushed back on that tradition, like the state of Washington, which recently added priests to the list of mandatory reporters.

Of course, priests fear this change from both sides of the confessional, so they've been vehemently opposing it since its inception.

Yeah, the priests rooting out child predators is basically that Spider-Man meme where they're all pointing to.

Yes, exactly.

Right.

Like Matt Damon getting tasked with finding himself in the departed.

Yeah.

So that now that opposition culminated in a lawsuit by those priests that we covered on episode 637, but now the law faces another suit, this one from Trump's Justice Department.

Their suit claims that the law violates the First and 14th Amendments and, quote, puts clergy to the choice between temporal criminal punishment and eternal damnation, end quote.

No, it doesn't.

Because you know how the threat of eternal damnation is one of those things that we factor into judicial decisions?

It's like that.

Okay, but I'm pretty sure I figured out a sweet loophole.

It's pretty tricky, but see if you can follow me.

You confess to a priest, the priest narcs, you die in jail, and then you go to heaven.

It's fucking win-win, right?

There you go.

And the narc priests can go confess for narcing or whatever.

Yes, exactly that's it right so it's either that or we ordain all the cops but only cops so if you want to confess

you know you want to confess it could be one of those two birds one stone situation and and on the plus side there'll now be a confession phone line number that's really easy to be to remember

that's efficiency right there doge needs to get on it yeah man now to be clear despite what the wording of the lawsuit would have you believe there's nothing in the washington law that targets priests What it does is remove an exemption from priests.

That's a different fucking thing, right?

When you remove an exemption, you obviously remove it only from those people who are already exempt.

And in this instance, that's just Catholic priests.

But the fact that you have a privilege isn't proof that you have a constitutional right to it, unless, of course, you're the fucking Trump administration, in which case that misapprehension is your whole fucking raison debt.

And in Morrill, Panic on the Streets of London News, last month was Pride Month, the time of the year when LGBTQ plus people and their allies take to the streets in a show of joyful acceptance and queer unity.

And corporations across the land remember how committed they are to switching their social media logos for the rainbow-colored variants for a few weeks or so.

Yeah, American companies were just doing like red, orange, yellow at most, so they didn't get deported for being anti-Semitic or whatever the fuck was going to happen.

Right.

No, those cold colors are DEI hires.

Well, 35,000 marchers took to the streets of London, and with such a strong show of solidarity and celebration, it's perhaps no surprise that the capital's bigots have completely thrown a tantrum, directing their anger towards the most important of targets, colored asphalt.

Just two old Viscounts walking around London.

Hey, man, do you...

Do you want to fuck right now?

Wait a minute.

It's these stripes.

Oh, that's just an iridescent oil spill.

Still, though, still though.

I'm American.

Because you see, one of the road crossings in London's Camden borough, rather than being painted black and white, is actually striped blue, pink and white in the merest tokenistic show of acknowledgement of trans people.

It is the barest of minimums.

Like literally, it's, okay, we know you're no longer allowed to pee in public, but we have painted this meter-wide stretch of road.

So

we cool now?

And yet, as barest minimum as it is, some tells me that the next turn in this story is bigots demanding a bearer minimum.

Yep.

So when the crossing was painted in 2021, the Daily Mail were so outraged that they ran a story about how painting the road those particular colors was a huge hazard to blind, disabled, and elderly people because it deviated from black and white.

And also that it could, quote, confuse drivers and cause anxiety in autistic people because it differed from the expected norm.

Yikes.

It's been there for four years now, and the number of autistic people anxiously frozen in the middle of the pink rooms with white lights before being mown down by Flumig's drivers has been zero.

So now the male and the bigots need to get a new reason to get rid of it.

The understanding of neurodivergence here in 2025 is still based on Rain Man from 1988 for most people.

Yes.

One of those people is our public health chief here in the US, U.S., by the way.

Yeah.

That's funny.

When we're lucky.

But look, that's an argument against changing literally anything ever, right?

We'd have to be frozen in time like the fucking Amish if that was our standard.

So given that they need a new reason for changing it, step forth, blessing Olobanjal, a Camden resident and member of the Christian People's Alliance Party, who is threatening to sue Camden Council over the five strips of pastel shade on the floor.

Sorry, their thing is called CPAP.

That's awesome.

It is called CPAP.

I didn't spot that, but it is called CPAP.

Yes, absolutely.

It's very much a Christian life support, trying to keep religiosity alive, very much so.

Her challenge is arguing that the coloured lines drawn across a road infringe on her rights as a Christian.

She said, quote, I brought this case because I believe in fairness and freedom of belief.

As a Christian and a taxpayer, I should not be made to feel excluded or marginalized by political symbols in public spaces, end quote.

So her argument is that it's unfair on her to not be unfair on the people that she dislikes.

And she feels excluded by the council's failure to exclude trans people.

I would like to exclude her.

I think we should do that.

There you go.

You want something to feel excluded about, Blessing?

We'll give you something to feel excluded about.

Yeah.

So her case is being driven by the Christian Legal Center, which is the legal arm of the Alliance Defending Freedom UK.

Ad fuck.

And they've used their deep American pockets to push anti-trans and anti-abortion rhetoric into the culture war of the UK.

You might also know them from the challenge to the protest zones outside of abortion clinics or from their big campaign during the middle of Pride Month, which was petitioning Westminster Council in London to remove Pride flags from Regent Street.

Okay, really sorry about the stuff we're sending over there with lines defending freedom or ad fuck.

You guys should really put some reciprocal tariffs on American imports, especially.

Right?

Yeah.

Right.

And by the way, removing those flags is going to fuck the autistic people all up.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah.

And so their argument here was that the progress pride flag, which was flying in Regent Street, had the trans-inclusive triangle.

And that was just too divisive, given the tenor of the UK conversation on trans people.

as a result of the pushing and provoking by groups like the Christian Legal Center.

So rather than have that horribly divisive trans-inclusive pride flag fly, they said those pride flags should be replaced by the union jack because their issue is definitely just with the trans bit of the progress pride flag.

Right.

And, you know, while they're really happy with flags promoting unity, they just can't think of a version of that flag that doesn't transfer, that doesn't celebrate trans people.

Look, given the tenor of the conversation that we've spent millions of dollars to change the tenor of, I think we can all agree.

So, you know, let's be absolutely clear here.

What the Christian Legal Center and the Alliance Defending Freedom UK and the Christian People's Alliance Party, What they want isn't unity or plurality of viewpoints or an end to divisiveness.

They're pushing for an end to any sign of trans people in public life.

They want a city and a country that is actively hostile to trans people.

And then after that rollback, they're also coming for the rest of the letters too.

Yes.

And finally, tonight, in Overdue Phil's news.

Dr.

Phil's media company declared bankruptcy last week.

That's fun.

That's fun.

We need some fun.

After the death of Spectre Robertson of Edinburgh, Dr.

McGraw was at the top of my list of Phils I'm Rooting Against.

And it looks like he's having a really bad time, you guys.

Along with his company, Merit Street, filing for bankruptcy, he's also filing a lawsuit against the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

And we love a good idiot fight.

Apparently, Phil tried to team up with the Christian right broadcasters called Trinity Broadcasting Network to get distribution for his terrible content.

And it turns out they were not a very good business partner.

Aww.

Next up on Heath's Phil death list, by the way, Philip Morris, Philip Rivers, and the Boston Philharmonic.

Yeah, I think the only Phil that he's not rooting against is Adelphia Cheesesteak.

Right.

No, yeah, exactly.

He's a big fan.

Love that one.

Love that one.

And a big thanks to Logan and so many others for sending us gleeful emails about the story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Logan has the option for one free hug, up to five seconds, and three taps.

Here's the background on the lawsuit.

Phil was giving obnoxious advice on a daytime TV show called Dr.

Phil on broadcast television for two decades.

Somehow, that was doing well for a while, but Phil decided he was ready to make that next big step in 2023.

So he quit doing the show, moved out of Los Angeles, put all his stuff in a bag on a stick, I'm assuming, and headed to Fort Worth, Texas to become a star.

That's where Trinity Broadcasting Network has their HQ.

And they promised to put Phil's new show on prime time.

You know, like must-see TV, the new hotness broadcast television, prime time.

And then he was like, fuck, have I been watching all these going to Hollywood movies in reverse this whole time?

Well, now the name of the genre makes sense.

Fuck.

So, yeah, that was the plan for his next big thing.

And the Merit Street Media Company was formed as a joint venture between Phil's production company and Trinity.

Phil would provide the content, and Trinity would provide a panoply of very important services.

That includes distribution across their network, production facilities, and a team of media-savvy Christian go-getters in Fort Worth showbiz.

Well, that panoply didn't pan out.

According to Phil's lawsuit, Trinity never provided the distribution like they promised, and it cost him $96 million in fees that he had to cover.

And the production services were, quote, comically dysfunctional.

That included teleprompters that blacked out during live broadcasts, a shoddy mobile app that didn't work well for all the Christian boomers who definitely know what a mobile app is.

That's important.

Editing software that was not the premium version, like they claimed, like, had the ads in it.

Just sign up for a new one every 30 days.

All you need is a new email.

And the control room they provided was in the form of a truck.

And and probably not even a good truck that like goes up flaming ramps, like in the commercial, probably a bad truck.

Right.

I'd also like to sue them for me being so gullible.

Is that a thing?

I mean, the CEO in charge of Merritt Street Media was genuinely named Joel Cheatwood.

Come on, genuinely.

Is that real?

Yeah, yeah.

That is a name that Charles Dickens would have rejected as being a bit too on the nose there.

So, Dr.

Phil had this coming.

All right.

So, we'll see how it goes for Phil.

If the broadcasting game doesn't work out for him, I'm sure he can pivot to a career as the guy who stands off to the side during ice raids, looking like Wario while they abduct people off the street.

So, good to have a fallback plan.

Yeah, all right.

Well, now I'm worried about Heath's fallback plan, so we're gonna have a mics off-type conversation, and I guess that means headlines are over.

Heath, Marsh, thanks as always, Tumaji, and when we come back, someday I'll be woo, that's for sure.

Hey, podcast listener, just breaking in to tell you about all the wonderful things that Cleveland, Ohio has to offer.

Sure, they have the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but did you know they have a world-class art museum?

The Westside Market is a historic public market with a diverse variety of food vendors and local wares.

You can even tour a World War II submarine.

You know what else Cleveland has?

It's got a god-awful movies live show in less than 10 days.

July 19th at the historic Hotel Cleveland, we're going to be be breaking down the long-awaited third installment of the Leap trilogy, the series that asks, what if the only thing standing between the Antichrist and total victory over mankind was some wildly unimpressive parkour?

There are tickets still available at GodawfulMoviesLive.com and you should get some.

Yes, Cleveland has a lot going for it, but one thing it doesn't have going for it is the nickname Rock City.

That's Detroit, goddammit.

Unless you mean actual rocks, in which case it's Chattanooga, Tennessee.

Eli keeps trying to insist otherwise because he doesn't think that the good people people of Detroit have been through enough.

He looks at their proud city, once an industrial powerhouse that ranked as America's fifth largest and is now designated as the nation's necropolis, and he says, you know what?

There is still more that I can take from them.

So please, come see us in the Forest City or the CLE or the land or Believeland or Seatown or the Sixth City or America's North Coast or even the rock and roll capital of the world because those are all nicknames of the city that we're actually going to be in.

But don't come see us in Rock City because we won't be there.

Thanks for your kind attention on this matter, and now back to the show.

Over the last decade, Canada's turned from quirky neighbor to escape plan for many of us, but it's important to remember that though it's better than my country in every measurable way, it has its own problems.

Which brings us to this installment of who's woo.

So, in our who's woo hall of frame, we're no strangers to claims of grandeur.

We've had millionaires, we've had would-be mayors, we've had maverick doctors, health gurus, channelers of spirits, and at least two earthly envoys of God himself.

But we've never so far been blessed with a regal touch.

Okay.

So, let's rectify that right now, and let's talk about the queen of Canada, Romana de Dulo.

Okay, every listener was certain that sentence was going to end with King Prince Charles if I hadn't already given away the candidate.

Oh, yeah, very much zagging at the end there.

So Romana de Dulo was born in November 1974 in Naga City, Philippines, and was the youngest of two children born to Romaldo de Dula and his wife, Ana de Dulo.

Her name, Romana, she says, was chosen because it combines the names of her two parents, which she claims follows, quote, a tradition upheld and practiced among true royal ancient bloodlines when naming a child.

Unquote.

Is it?

Well,

and after her father died when she was 10 and her mother died when she was 11, the young Romana moved in with her auntie and her grandparents.

Well, to answer your question, perhaps you could ask British royals princes Charana and Diarles.

Yeah, no.

Same with the French, I think.

Louis XIV came from his mom, Lois, and his dad, the letter U14.

So Romana Doubler says her grandma, who was a grade one school teacher in the Philippines, raised her to speak five languages, English, Spanish, Tagalog, Hiligaynon, and Latin.

And I'm not saying Romana is lying, but it is worth noting that grade one in the Philippines would be kids the age of six.

So while it is possible that her grandma was a first grade teacher who could teach five different languages fluently, it's kind of unlikely.

The same grandma, according to Romana, quote, mounted strategic defense and offense and successfully blocked the Japanese from invading their regional stronghold during World War II.

So grandma was pretty badass, or Romana's a liar.

Yeah, or maybe she's a time traveler, which would explain why she would have any use for speaking Latin.

Yeah, exactly.

Or time traveler and liar which would explain that time i risk controlled the japanese army out of my place in the philippines and you know what not the only asian army she's going to single-handedly defeat in this story as it turns out okay a lot of risk control but either way at some point around 1990 a teenage romana moved to canada and her early years in canada they were kind of unremarkable So much so that on her now deleted website, the sections that cover those years, the foster home, her school, her employment, her volunteer work, they all contained nothing but lorem ipsum holding text.

Oh, well, to be fair, I think we've all had a few lorem ipsum years here and there.

Sure, it's good that I have some of those.

Also, I think she forgot to renew her very important site that would be CanadaFirstPartyofcanada.canada.

It's in Canada, by the way.

It is, yeah, yeah.

Apparently, there was a Canada first party like of something else to specify of Canada, I guess.

Weird.

So, actually that part of her life is the one that earns her a place in this segment.

And it began in 2020, a time when so many who's woo entries were forged.

That was when she founded and set herself as the de facto leader of the Canada First Party of Canada, which is a self-professed national political party whose tagline was draining the swamp in Ottawa.

So with all of that, what she didn't ever actually do was formally register the Canada First Party as a political party.

And initially, she was seen as kind of a fringe figure that only attracted very minimal attention in mainstream society.

But, you know, this was 2020, and there was plenty of places other than mainstream society where attention could be found.

In February 2021, Dedoula joined Telegram, and her first posts on that particular site explained that she had taken, quote, an oath of allegiance to the hashtag flag and the hashtag men and hashtag women and hashtag children of the Republic of Canada.

Cool.

You got to get some SEO on people looking for men on Telegram.

Hashtag men or women or flag.

Not, she carried on in block capitals, not other nations and other nations' citizens.

Unquote.

Okay.

In her signature in that first ever Telegram post, she proudly displayed her new title, Head of State and Commander-in-Chief of the Sovereign Republic of Canada.

And later to that title, she'd add Queen of Canada.

Because why the fuck not?

Right.

my pronouns are she her majesty that's right i'm an ally

whoa

now you might think she's just made those titles up given that she's not someone with any political experience and nobody really knew who she was and she wasn't royalty but that's not the case actually because speaking about this later about her appointment to power didoula claims that while she was living her regular life in victoria british columbia she began to exchange messages with a guy called david carlson and i know what you're thinking is that the david the david carlson commander in chief of the united states air force and academy civilian command of military operations the one who's married to her highness sarah mg carlson no way yes it's the very same david carlson get the out of here and to be clear those are his titles in dedula's origin story so her argument is that she didn't make up her own titles actually they were bestowed upon her by a guy that she knows whose title she's made up okay you don't know him he's not in canada i just want to be clear He's not in Canada, yeah.

I'm still Baron Heathington, sponsored by Lady Mildred Linus of Liverpoolia.

That one's real.

I feel like you're being weird about title.

Okay, cool.

And according to Dedoula, she joined Carlson on a mission in 2017 against the Chinese communist military, who were allegedly occupying Canada in underground tunnels, readying to attack the United States.

Yeah, not how occupying works exactly.

And those tunnels ran from canada through the entirety of the united states and into mexico which are some long as hell tunnels yeah no at least 32 times longer than the longest tunnels

nafta am i right

but hey at least those tunnels were multi-purpose because they were also used for adrenochrome production organ harvesting sure sex trafficking and child trafficking because the Chinese communist military is a front for the new world order, and they're also Satanists and eugenicists.

Okay.

Okay.

Fuck it.

Adding imaginary layers of evil onto the Chinese communist military, that feels superfluous, right?

It does.

It really does.

It does.

So many, many years later, Dedoula would claim that she actually single-handedly removed the Chinese communist military from Canada and also the rest of the world, and therefore saving us all from world war and earning her the title Queen of Canada.

Okay.

I mean, I'd want like a bigger title at that point

okay i mean she will get there she will become queen of the world at one point so

strapping strapping fair fair but how did she achieve this remarkable military campaign well she's never actually elaborated on her success but all she will say is that she was unable to eat or sleep or even think clearly while it was happening but once she vanquished the chinese she wept and she was able to sleep again well why did she weep was she sad that there were no more chinese to conquer?

Oh, no, baby organs are like onions when you're talking about.

Wow, right, right, right.

So, again, she didn't explain all of this at the time.

These are details that she's added over the years, but it's really easy to see how this penchant for fantasism gained her a lot of followers on Telegram, especially when she was playing up the QAnon elements of her fantasy.

So, her post got picked up by sites like 8 Chan and 8 Kun, especially in the vacuum that was left after the last QAnon drop.

And her online following really took off.

In a couple of months, she'd gained 20,000 followers, and it would rise over the next year or so to 70,000 followers.

On Telegram, she would issue decrees to her followers, like how, for example, COVID-19 was a fake illness designed by politicians with genocidal intent.

And also, vaccines were evil and must be resisted at all costs because they would restructure your DNA and turn you into a literal programmable robot.

But that's okay, because she could actually cure her followers with daily broadcasts of sound vibrations.

Well, yeah, no, the best sounds are the vibration ones.

Yeah, those are always my favorite.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

That is fair.

She also decreed that she had withdrawn Canada from the UN and the WHO.

She declared that her home in Victoria, BC was the capital of Canada.

She raised the legal age of consent to 24, which upset a lot of her followers.

It's got to be said.

Yikes.

And she decreed that the quantum financial system was coming which would end all debt really well well the debt would be both eliminated and not eliminated until you looked at right like like student loan debt in america right now you know okay gotta get some qubit coin before the price goes uptown again

before after the price goes oh yeah right no yeah exactly She also decreed that med bed technology was here and she was going to make it available to the world, which would allow people to cure medical medical ailments, regrow limbs and organs, reverse aging and even make you immortal.

Oh, wow.

These med beds, incidentally, were given her to her by extraterrestrials from the Pleiades.

Oh, yeah.

No, I heard about that.

Those aliens from the Pleiades, they flew 444 light years to deliver a fucking bed for Aaron Rodgers to help his legs.

Good compliment to the dolphin fucking therapy.

You listen to dolphins fuck and you have the med bed from the planets.

It's weird that if immortality is one of the settings, that it has other settings, right?

Like you have to get that settings.

But you would leave it on that one setting the whole time.

No, but you could be immortal with medical ailments.

Oh, no, that's true.

Yeah, right.

Or a missing land.

No, that's fair.

Yeah, exactly.

Just think it through.

Come on.

Now, you know, as ridiculous as this obviously is, her Telegram followers genuinely took these claims seriously.

Some of them asked her if, while waiting for access to these med beds, they should stop stop taking their blood pressure and anxiety medications in order to prepare for the healing.

Others stopped paying their mortgages because they were getting that quantum finances coming and eventually lost their houses.

Others refused to pay their gas and electricity bills and it left them without power during heat waves.

And one follower posted an image from a bank showing that she had $47,000 on a credit card and she was frustrated that the bank wouldn't just cancel that debt after she sent them one of Dadoula's videos.

Imagine being the guy whose job it was to explain the policy to that lady.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

No.

I can have a manager tell you no with a question or answer.

And so her posts, they weren't just decrees about what she could do for her followers.

They were also threats aimed at anyone she disagreed with.

She said the healthcare authorities would be arrested for crimes against humanity and that university deans who imposed vaccine mandates for students would be sent to a military tribunal where they will be tried and once convicted will be hung or executed via firing squad and she was actually detained by the police for encouraging her followers to shoot to kill anyone involved in vaccinating young people against covert 19.

jesus christ but then she was let go without any charges filed what yeah And again, her supporters followed her lead.

And one of them even made threats against his daughter's school, which led to his arrest.

And if anyone complained that her decrees were ineffective or unenforceable, they'd be banned from her Telegram pages with threats that they'd be hung from military helicopters and hovered, quote, above a volcano or commercial crocodile farm.

It's weirdly specific.

It really is.

And also, when she asked for a group of her followers to volunteer to attack and kill people facilitating COVID-19 vaccinations, more than 100 volunteered to be part of that group, which they call duck hunters.

And she told the group they now had a mandate to execute healthcare workers effective immediately oh my fucking god all right so i'm sorry i don't want her to win or anything but i want at least a peek at the world where she wins power and the helicopter pilot has to come back and tell her that they can't fly over an active volcano and the commercial crocodiles just sat there all fat and lazy they're like do you want me to just

Hey, it's

Your Majesty or whatever the fuck.

Some of the people had fun and they wanted another helicopter ride.

Should I take them?

What are we doing?

They said, wee!

It didn't make sense as a threat.

It's not working.

So the more outlandish and violent Dadoula's rhetoric became, the more her popularity rose.

But so far, Dadoula had done everything exclusively online.

She'd never even actually appeared in public.

Now, that changed in 2022 when that freedom convoy of truckers descended in Ottawa and they were protesting against COVID vaccines.

And when she saw those protests, she gathered together 11 of her closest followers, hopped in a convoy of five RVs, and headed for Ottawa, which was a 4,000-kilometer drive or one-tenth of the Earth's circumference to get there.

And it took them four days of driving to make that trip.

Okay.

Really hard to maintain that regal mystique on that trip in RVs.

Like, she's walking out of the tiny shitter with a half-eaten Tim Hortons box.

Subjects are like, Your majesty.

So this trip, it marked the start of her RV tour, and she and her followers stayed on the road for almost two years or so, while Dedoula was living on the money given to her by her followers and crowdfunded from her online audience.

And to keep that money rolling in, she'd stop in various towns to hold rallies where she'd give unhinged speeches about how she has supernatural abilities, like the ability to become invisible by cloaking herself, which she says is actually normal for her race, which is a highly advanced alien Arcturian race blessed with celestial powers.

Not the Pleiades?

No, no, Arcturians this time.

Yeah, yeah.

That's closer.

The Pleiades who are friends with the Medbeds.

Come on, keep up.

Come on.

Sorry.

Yeah, no, no.

This one makes more sense.

And also, she said she can shape-shift and take on any physical appearance she chooses.

Oh,

for instance, right now I'm appearing as a person who doesn't have any of those powers.

But yeah, I am an Arcturian demigoddess who transcended space and time.

Anyway, check out betterhelp.com/slash Canada first of Canada.

Canada

smash that like and subscribe button.

It's important.

Yeah, obviously.

Check out our affiliate links.

And so in these speeches, she'd brag about being a dictator.

She'd celebrate the secret executions that she and her followers claim have already happened.

And she'd explain that she's the one personally mediating between the US and Russia.

Oh, she's nailing it.

Great job.

Yeah, absolutely.

She even claimed that Vladimir Putin is a close personal friend and that he had personally given her an autographed watch.

And so when she was on the road and when she would stay in hotels, she'd make sure they rented an extra hotel room each night in case Putin happened to drop by.

So I feel like Vladdy Poots can spring for his own room

at the best western next to the Tim hotel.

Yeah, right.

And then after a speech in March 2022 in Newfoundland, she ditched all of her followers in her convoy, leaving them essentially stranded in Canada's most remote and isolated province, literally thousands of miles from their home.

where she replaced them with just a different group of devotees.

And those marooned followers, some of them had given up their jobs and their houses.

And there's at least one couple who'd left their kids behind to follow to Doula.

And so when they were stranded there in Newfoundland, they soon came to their senses and started talking to the press about what life was like on the road with her.

They told how she once threatened to have one of her followers shot in the head for the crime of booking a pickup time for her RV at 5 p.m.

instead of 4 p.m.

That was an executable offense.

Others explained that every morning at 6 a.m., she would play her favorite song, Ras Buten by Bonnie M, on repeat for an hour.

Oh, my God.

Every morning.

There was one occasion for the entirety of a 10-hour drive, she played the song on repeat for 10 straight hours while her followers just had to sit there and like quietly listen to it the whole time.

They were allowed to speak.

They just had to quietly take it in.

Okay, so the I'll shoot you in the head thing could have been her offering a favor.

Yeah.

Okay.

When you think of Boney M, that's German reggae funk disco, and that song has lyrics like, Rah, ra, rasputine, Russia's greatest love machine.

It sounds amazing, but that, it turns out, is misleading.

Not that great.

Ah, it's a banger.

Come on.

It's great, not for 10 hours, but

I did listen once and I was like, okay, this is pretty catchy.

Yeah, it's a real hit over here.

Yeah, it's good.

It's good.

So in August 2022, Dedoulo and her convoy arrived in Peterborough, Ontario, determined to citizens arrest the local police department for enforcing COVID restrictions and infringing on personal freedoms.

And with Dadoula watching from the safety of her RV, her followers descended upon the police station, only to be thwarted when they realized the front door was locked.

Fantastic.

And so...

Megaphone in hand, they pleaded for the police to come out and get arrested.

And the police decided not to do that.

No.

So they sort of hung around for a while and then they made their way around to the back door, which was also locked.

And then they yelled at that instead.

Foiled again.

In a viral tweet in response to the event, the city's mayor, Diane Terrin, called the protesters fuckwords and told them to fuck off.

Which, to be clear, they eventually did.

Okay, this is peak Canada.

Such

like an angry mob is like, fight us right now.

And the cops are like, no.

No.

They just got bored and went home.

That's awesome.

So by late 2023, Dadoulo and up to 25 of her followers took their convoy to Richmound, Saskatchewan.

I've been forced out of the nearby Camsack.

And so they set up camp in a former school there where they remain to this day, much to the annoyance of local residents.

Amen.

And that's actually where we're leaving the story because Romana Dadulo is still living on the donations of her followers and still making crazy sounding proclamations and still promising a bright new future of med beds and political executions.

That's just around the corner.

Well, she's probably already used the immortality settings, so she's going to be doing that shit for a while.

Okay.

We need to hire a Vladimir Putin lookalike to show up and then leave all angry and disappointed when there's no hotel room.

Just a fucking cot.

No, I don't like you.

And in fact, to this day, I checked in the writing of this service piece, she signs off her Telegram posts with her full self-appointed title, which is, quote, HRH Majesty Queen Romyna Dedoula I, Commander-in-Chief of North America, Head of Government, Head of State, President, First Prime Minister, National Indigenous Chief, and Queen of the Kingdom of Canada, Queen of America, Queen of North America, and Queen of the World under natural law.

unquote.

And with a title like that, there is absolutely no disputing that she deserves her own entry in Who's Woo.

All right.

Well, now that Marsh has given us the kind of title envy that only British people can give you, I suppose we can wrap things up.

Marsh, thanks again.

Before we dive-roll to safety, I want to remind you one last time to pick up tickets to see us live in Cleveland on Saturday, July 19th.

Eli's got a lot of family in the area, and they're all coming, so we really want to fill that theater up and make them look famous.

Get your tickets now at godawful movies live.com anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10 022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on look out for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptic debuting at seven eastern on monday and even new episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies debuting at seven eastern on tuesday and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously i'm not allowed to shut up until i thank heathenright for his wit and wisdom i need to thank michael marshall who you can check out on the no rogan experience and skeptics with a k for all the extra you're that he leaves in our notes i want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who had some unexpected babysaving duties today come up and couldn't join us.

And hopefully, she'll be back next week.

I also want to thank Sue Huss for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for what it's worth.

All the folks at Piat love you back.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most valued vertebrates: Elizabeth, Dr.

Chris, with a K, Punk, Gremlin, Logan, Brawstraps, and Bitch Slaps, Alexa, Kathy, Lobster, Johnson, Jen, Sari, Kimmy, and Minimally Competent.

Elizabeth, Dr.

Chris, Gremlin, and Logan, whose beauty makes Jodie Fosher wish they'd sent a poet, brawstraps, Alexa, Kathy, and Lobster, whose mighty fists give the Infinity Stones lethality envy, and Jan Sari and Mentally Competent, who are so amazing that Christians had to downgrade their hymn to just adequate grace.

Together, these 11 vivacious vixens of Veracity evaluated our voracious vendetta against the veno vendors of viparous veneration this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com/slash scathing atheists, whereby you owner only access to an extended free version of every episode.

Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like like to help, but have I seen the economy?

You can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media, and speaking to social media.

Tim Robinson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you're finding all the content to me on the contact page at scathingadious.com.

Lucinda is like the best chipmunk whisperer that's ever existed.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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