637: Saul Good Edition

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Fine. You spent over $600 on takeout last month.
I can't cook. You know this.
Yes, I have had your disgusting food, but you're literally paying for a meal subscription on top of that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

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Okay, okay. And if you thought I was done, I'm not.

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Warning, the following podcast contains profanity like we were getting paid by the expletive.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile and by the new temporal scrubbing wires for cleaning up past online comments, Pope Cleaners. Pope Cleaners.

Because the internet being forever complicates the shit out of the infallibility thing.

And now, The Scathing Atheist. I'm Dr.
Andrew Shale. I co-organize Newcastle Skeptics in the Pub, and I write academic film history from the 1890s to Back to the Future.

And having heard Noah, Heath, and Eli call the American graffiti clothes, either the breakfast club clothes or the animal house clothes on Gam over 400 times now, I'm beginning to suspect that we might have evolved from Filthy Monkey Men.

It's Thursday. It's May 15th.
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Buck me.

I'm No Illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.
I'm Heathen Wright. And from George Clintons, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

Oh, this week's episode, our surgeon gets a lot more general. Celine Dion's heart will go QAnon.

And we'll get started with all new papal nicknames. But first, the diatribe.

Guys, I really feel like we need to see what Lex Luther is going to do. as the new head of the Legion of Doom before we denounce him.

Sure, Guerrilla Grod Grod was bad, right, but we don't need to condemn the new guy just because the last guy tried to forcibly transmogrify the human race into a less intelligent life form.

Yes, the whole reason the Legion of Doom exists is the enslavement of humanity, but given his philanthropic track record at Lexcorp, it's entirely reasonable to assume that he's going to enslave us far more gently than the Legion otherwise might have.

So yes, that's my whole fucking inbox.

So I was bold enough to throw out a few predictions for this new new pope in the immediate aftermath of his ascension.

I guessed, for example, that he wouldn't return all the Nazi gold they were still hoarding to the descendants of the people it was stolen from.

I guessed that he wouldn't sell off any of their massive landholdings to pay the child rape victims their diocese stiff by hiding money in their cemetery maintenance funds.

Or to pay reparations to the First Nations communities that they brutalized with their residential schools.

I guessed he wouldn't allow the third-party investigators to publish the findings of their audits of the church's handling of the child rape cover-ups.

I guessed he wouldn't push for women to be in leadership roles, or he wouldn't endorse the use of condoms or support same-sex marriage, or admit God was some bullshit they made up to keep the peasants acquiescent.

But for a lot of people, apparently that was too much. I had only had the job for an hour and a half, after all.

I was basing my assertions on nothing but the actions of the last 266 popes, the nature of the institution, his remit, and his past history. It wasn't fair.

For all we know, he could still be the greatest liberal reformer in the history of the Vatican.

But here's the thing, though. The greatest liberal reformer in the history of the Vatican would still be a bad fucking person.

I guess there was a time when the depth of human knowledge was too shallow to rule out the church's assertions.

But in a time when so much of their doctrine and virtually all of their holy book is directly refutable, it's simply unethical to perpetuate those lies.

And I guess there was a time when the depth of the Catholic Church's inhumanities weren't as widely known and there was no clear evidence that there was a less cruel alternative that you could use to build the ethical foundation of a society.

But in a time of the internet, the Boston Globe and secular governments that, for all their faults, generally avoid multi-generational child rape cover-up scandals, there's nowhere for Leo's apologists to hide in there either.

So short of just coming out in his first speech and saying, fire sale, money to be distributed among our historical victims, I feel like he's falling short of his ethical obligations.

I mean, even if you accept that one can be both moral and a Catholic priest, which is, to be fair, is reasonable, right?

Like, you know, maybe a dude who grew up in some overwhelmingly Catholic area and mostly only ever saw the church as a means of helping the impoverished, they might go into the priesthood with the best of intentions, then learn about all the child rape stuff and all this other shit and be like, well, hey, I'm just keeping my head down and feeding the poor over here.

Right? Like, I feel like maybe there's an ethical road that gets you there, but those ethical people ain't in a fucking leadership.

Right? I mean, think about the kind of office politics that you deal with at your job.

I worked at a fucking gas station once that had nine total employees, and still motherfuckers were backstabbing and forming factions when an assistant manager position was coming open.

Imagine that shit multiplied by infallibility, historical immortality, and a Scrooge McDuck vault at the end of the fucking road. I feel like the meek and humble don't make it to the conclave.

But maybe you want to be even more generous, right?

Maybe you imagine that this meek and humble priest who got into it for the right reasons saw what the church had become and realized that the only way to reform it was from the inside, right?

So he plays politics to the best of his ability with the hopes that one day he can rise to the top and make a real difference.

And yes, maybe he had to compromise his principles a little bit along the way, right? But only in ways that are really justifiable if he can achieve his ultimate aims.

But there's a problem with that excuse, too. It's universally applicable.

You could equally use that to justify membership in literally any organization.

Sure, the Ku Klux Klan is a bad organization, but he only joined it in hopes of reaching Grand Dragon status and dialing back on the racism.

Sure, he was still on board with all the anti-Semitism, but he wanted to make positive liberal reforms on some of the worst stuff the organization does.

What I'm saying is it doesn't matter how much more humanely you want to harvest the fucking Adriena chrome, joining the Illuminati is not justified.

And a lot of people are coming to this guy's defense on the specifics, too. And we'll talk a little bit more about the guy himself in the lead story.

But the main defense he's getting online is that he's talked some shit on social media about Trump and his inhumane rhetoric towards immigrants.

And I'm sorry, but if ethical enough to condemn Trump is where the bar of morality is sunk to, we're fucking doomed.

Just because more than half of the American electorate can't get this question right doesn't mean it's a hard question. It took our dumbasses 20 years to realize Adam Sandler wasn't funny.

It is not too early to say that this Pope is a bad person. He's the fucking Pope.

He sells lies for a living. The fact that those lies are harmful and oppressive certainly makes it worse, but the fact that they were lies was enough to make it immoral.

They're talking about your Jesus.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the pork and beans of this barbecue, Heath Ann Rayton, Eli Bosnik. Fellas, are you ready to hit the gas? Okay, the other white meat, but less healthy.
Fair. Yeah.

Fair. That tracks.

At this point, I don't know that I even count as cage-free yeah it's the best kind of beans and before we get going i want to remind everybody once again that may is matreon here at puzzle of a thunderstorm llc that means yep exactly that we beg you for money extra hard and remind you that genuinely the only reason we're able to bring you this show every week is because of the support of our patrons patrons get early access to an ad-free version of the show bonus stuff every week and the satisfaction of knowing that all the shit we do is at least partially their fault.

So please check out Matreon.com. That's m-a-y-t-r-e-o-n.com to see all our goals this year or head over to patreon.com slash scathing atheist now and help keep us on the air.

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And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the Vatican went with another white guy.
And

yeah, I mean, when I heard that they'd chosen an American, I had a brief glimmer of hope that our own Eli Bosnik finally made the cut, but no, they went with a fucking Catholic again, which seems wildly anti-Semitic to me.

Thank you. Right?

But okay, specifically, when the Sistine Chapel's papal bong hit announced the Conclave's conclusion, 69-year-old Chicago native Robert Francis Prevost was elevated to popedom.

And I've got to be honest, I never understood the tradition of changing one's name upon upon ascending to the papacy until I realized the alternative might be Pope Bob. Could have been Pope Bob, yeah.

Okay, if SNL doesn't bring back De Bears and ask the Pope, Ditka versus God, round about who wins, I'm going to be so fucking disappointed. God by a stroke, nobody's perfect, is too perfect.
Right,

it's right there. Word for word.
Now, obviously, Prevost wasn't our favorite. We hear at Puzzle in a Thunderstorm through our endorsement behind Cardinal Pier Battista Pizzabala early on.

Strictly for joke writing purposes, I don't know anything about the dude.

Of course, given the renaming tradition that I just talked about, there was at least some chance that Prevost was going to go with Pope Pizzabala I, right?

He was allowed to do that, but that hope was quickly dashed when he announced that he was going to go with fucking Leo,

a pope named so uncreative that 13 popes beat him to it. Pope Deep Dish Pizza Balla.
Come on, it's right there. Thank you.
So easy.

Honestly, after a decade of mumbling at my computer screen, Pope Francis Bumba.

Nah, we must have done that.

Leo feels like a welcome opportunity. Absolutely.

I'm excited. I'm pumped.
New energy. Now, of course, as I said in the diatribe, regardless of who's in charge of the Legion of Doom, it's still the fucking Legion of Doom.

It is impossible to be A, a morally upstanding person and B, a Catholic priest through the first decade of this century.

Anybody who failed to quit in protest of the depth of the child rape cover-up and the continued refusal to to allow for a third-party investigation to publish its findings is a bad person by definition.

That being said, there are still better and worse heads of the Legion of Doom. And from what we see in Prevost history, it looks like we at least avoided a worse, right?

There's a substantial contingent within the Vatican that wants to roll back all the liberal reforms of Pope Francis. They did not get their guy.

Yeah, I mean, this guy sucks too, but at least we're getting two popes in a row who told J.D. Vance to go fuck himself.
Right. Two in a row.
Yeah. I actually asked Pope Deepdish about Vance.

He said, tell that guy to stop ranking the races in concentric circles again, just to remind him. Also, tell him he has to stay 500 feet away from me at all times.
That's the law now.

JD is like, it's fine. I actually need an imam and a rabbi for the next two gems in my infinity gallery.
Anyways,

show you. I love the new JD Vance voice.
Yeah, right. That's pretty good.
But again, less evil is still evil.

As recently as 2012, then Cardinal Prevost decried Western media's, quote, sympathy for beliefs and practices that are at odds with the gospel, end quote.

Yeah, and just in case you thought he was talking about mixed fabrics and shellfish, he specifically cited a, quote, homosexual lifestyle, end quote.

Yeah. And oh, here it is again, and quote, alternative families comprised of same-sex partners and their adopted children, end quote.

So there's already reason to believe he's significantly less progressive on the issue of gay rights than the guy who couldn't stop using the F slur in public meetings.

Yeah, I feel like the Conclave was just trying to get a private jet from Qatar by paying the U.S., right?

Right, yeah.

Sitting around the table, we've been doing racist, out-of-touch, old guy, for hundreds of years.

Nothing.

And unsurprisingly, Prevost is also elbow deep in covering up child sex abuse. Phrasing.
Yep. Sorry, I heard it.

But according to the Survivor's Network of those abused by priests or snap prevost mishandled two situations one as recently as 2022 involving priests accused of sexual abuse this includes letting a priest accused of at least 13 cases of sexual abuse live right next to an elementary school without even notifying the fucking school and the more recent one was from peru just a couple of years ago where three women came to him to tell him that two priests in his diocese had sexually abused them when they were kids later they would file a civil complaint when prevost failed to do literally anything about it.

Hey, I thought you guys were going to say he did something terrible, like putting ketchup on a hot dog.

I'm from Chicago. That's my thing.

Didn't grust pizza? No, thank you. I'm the Pope.

So, yeah, it remains to be seen what he's going to do with the power, but we'll be keeping a close and suspicious eye on Pope Leopatra for you in the meantime.

Feels good. No, it does.
It does. Kicking off, I'm going with an easy one and everything.
Crash.

And in Grossa Parks news, when we think of the great civil rights activists throughout history, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, me, they all have one thing in common.

They put the public good above their own personal comfort and even safety. And this week, we learned of a group who will absolutely not.

be joining those ranks as several Catholic bishops in Washington state announced that they will be bravely and at great personal risk continuing to cover up child abuse despite a new law that requires them not to.

I am Spartacus. Wait, he did what?

Ah, whatever. It's fine.
I'm Spartacus. Okay.
Right, right.

But no, but I'm sure it's just the sanctity of the confessional that's motivating all these priests to minimize the number of ways that child rapists can be caught. I'm sure it's just that.

Yeah, obviously. So first off, big thanks to Stormy The Prospector D, who sent us this story, and it's two increasingly batshit follow-ups to scathingnews at gmail.com.

During Matreon, anyone who sends us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com earns second place in our hearts, right next to those who give us money. And Stormy does both.

So they're currently standing next to themselves in a clone-sessed fanfic we'd absolutely reblog on Tumblr. Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Just because you want it for yourself doesn't mean it's a gift to give to other people, Eli. It's very important.
True, you've told me that a lot. I've gotten that feedback.

So as our regular listeners know, we've been following this story for a while.

Washington state recently passed a law requiring clergy to report child sexual abuse, even when it's revealed during the sacrament of confession.

This was met with, unsurprisingly, extreme resistance from the Catholic Church. Opponents of the bill compared it to banning Jewish employees from bringing kosher lunches to work

or Muslim employees from wearing headscarves, except neither of those things is raping a child.

And I got to say this, if they were, those things should also absolutely be banned. Yes.
You're saying I can fuck my BLT in the break room, but not a Kanish. You sound crazy.
Yeah.

No, if you want this analogy to work, it would be like a workplace banning Jewish employees from using kosher meals to cover up child rape. Yeah, exactly.

Now, opponents of the bill have pointed out that if a priest actually followed this law, he'd be excommunicated, to To which I would say,

good.

If your religion has a covering up child rape or you're out clause, you should be leaving it, not waiting to get kicked out, right?

Yeah, no, pointing out that your religion requires you to cover up child sex abuse, that's our job. That's not your defense.

Yeah.

So the law passed. Trump's DOJ promised they'd be looking into the anti-Catholic bias extra, super close.
There's a pending lawsuit about it.

And it seemed for a moment like the tantrum over not getting to do evil anymore was going to sort of wind itself down.

That is until this week, when a group of Catholic leaders announced they would officially engage in civil disobedience when the law goes into effect on July 27th.

At which point, no one sadly asks them, hey, are you saying that you're actively covering up child rape right now and you're planning to keep doing it illegally in July? Also, is that a BLT man?

Yeah.

No, again, to be clear, what's happening here is Larry's promising not to tell anybody about the child rape Mortimer confessed to him if Mortimer doesn't tell anybody about the child rape that Larry confessed to him.

That's the moral stand that they're taking here. Yeah.
Do you guys hear the people sing? I think

I don't, actually. It's crazy.

Do not feel like building a barricade. So yeah, as of right now, the law is still happening.
And priests who cover up child rape, they can go to jail. Nice.

Now, there are people publicly announcing that they'll be breaking this law on principle, and that is also fine.

I'm actually not really interested in your deep philosophical reasons for covering up child rape. As long as you end up in jail, I think it's a net good.
There you go.

And in quacks to grind news,

I'm not a doctor, but I feel like the surgeon general should be a doctor

right there in the name.

Well, apparently I can go fuck myself myself because Donald Trump nominated not a doctor, Casey Means for that position. She's an influencer.
We're colleagues and this is unacceptable.

Yeah, it's not great.

Casey Means is a wellness guru who writes books about preventing cancer with Riz and vibes mostly and sells fake medical-sounding products that might complement your vibes therapy.

And of course, she's friends with RFK Jr., the whale chainsaw guy who's the Secretary of Health and Human Services. And so is Casey's brother, Callie, who already works for Secretary Whale Chainsaw.

When asked about Casey's nomination, Donald Trump said, I don't know her. I listened to Bobby.
Yeah, I listened to the, you know, the sewage diaper with the brain worm.

I listened to that guy about health. Yep.

So the president of the United States doesn't know the nominee to be surgeon general, but here's what we know. She graduated from Stanford Medical School, so that's impressive.

She did have a medical license in Oregon, but it's no longer active. And crucially, she was practicing functional medicine using that license, also known as not medicine.

Functional medicine, it's a bunch of pseudoscience nonsense, but they made up new words that sound science-y.

For example, practitioners might incorporate the ideas of homeopathy, but they would call it bio-infusion. Oh,

snow crash. Swirl a random test tube when they explain it to you.
Oh, yeah. No, yeah.

You know what? I'm going to just go ahead and be suspicious of any product that feels the need to throw functional in front of their thing.

It's like a

car dealership offering free breaks with every purchase. It's like, well, I wasn't going to, I didn't think you wouldn't until you saw what's you would.
You know what's functional? Medicine.

Medicine is already functional. You just added a word.
It's nonsense. All right.
Well, here's the wellness guru origin story.

According to Not a Doctor Means, she was about four and a half years into a five-year program to become a surgeon, but then she realized that medicine-based medicine is a hoax and she saw the light.

Or if you ask the department chair of the program at the time, Casey found surgical work to be too stressful and had to quit.

I guess she wasn't cut out for surgery. And okay, that's fine.
That's fine. But then she invented an epiphany as she flounced out the door and she got into functional medicine.

Like having the epiphany that I wanted to go to my room. It's nonsense.
Well, I don't think what you're failing to understand, Heath, is that those grapes probably were sour.

Yeah. I actually wanted to be a podcaster.
The Book of Mormon barely won nine points, guys. I was

doing way better. All right.
So according to The Guardian, here's how Casey Means describes herself in what appears to be a LinkedIn bio and a Tinder bio at the same time. Big red flags either way.

Quote, medical doctor. Asterisk.

Asterisk indeed. New York Times best-selling author, tech entrepreneur, aspiring regenerative gardener.
Aspiring? I don't, yeah.

So like, you're not there yet, but you hope to be.

So far, it's just dirt, but you know. Gardening regeneratively

and outdoor enthusiast who lives in a state of awe for the miracle and mystery of existence and consciousness. End quote.

I like that she's more cautious about claiming the title of regenerative gardener than she is medical doctor.

Doesn't want to overpromise.

Yeah. Well, the best-selling author thing was actually true.

Casey and her brother Callie co-authored a book last year called Good Energy, The Surprising Connection Between Metabolism and Limitless Health.

Yeah. Spoiler, the surprise is that there's no connection between anything and limitless health.
Right, exactly. Except the gem of life.

But that cave sunk back into the desert after J-Lo defeated its guardian in 1991.

So

and here's a few more details I learned while reading about Casey Means way more than the president of the United States did before nominating her.

She claims that everyone should be wearing a glucose monitor, like you might wear if you're diabetic. And she just happens to have those for sale.

She's a tech entrepreneur. Don't forget her company called Levels will happily sell everyone a glucose monitor.

And then all you got to do is buy a subscription to their app if you want to use that monitor. She says it's all about empowerment.
Right. She just didn't say whose empowerment.
Yeah.

It was about empowerment of that company. Great.
Me. Another bad sign.
She went on Tucker Carlson's show and described it. She went on Tucker Carlson's show.

Yeah, we got it.

You're all good. And then too hard.
She described the effect of birth control pills as a, quote, disrespect of life because she thinks the pill interferes with like uterus magic.

She seems to be pro-choice overall, I think, but it wasn't a good sign.

And speaking of more red flags, during that same interview, she described her intellectual origins by saying, I read sacred texts and the Bible and Rumi and Ayn Rand as a young adult. And the family.

Circle the one that doesn't belong.

I know. It's just a crazy, crazy list.
And apparently the family would talk about those works at the dinner table.

Tucker responded to that by saying, I honestly think you're going to change the world. Well, in that the side of the cigarette pack will now warn about fluoride and befouled chakras, but yeah.

I'm just picturing Rumi hearing that list and being like, how the fuck did I end up?

Screw those guys.

Ayn Rand, really?

Really?

And of course, we have some raw milk information here, too. The nominee for Surgeon General is a chunky milk enthusiast to some extent.

She thinks drinking raw milk is cool if you meet the farmer and the cow. Oh, she said, quote, I want to be free to form a relationship with a local farmer.

Okay, weird out of context. Understand his integrity, look him in the eyes, pet his cow, and then decide if I feel safe to drink the milk from his farm.
Based on the look in his eyes?

It's a crazy idea. To be fair, listeria will cloud your pupils eventually.
So that's... Maybe it's useful.
That's one way to tell. Yeah.
Well, just so many reasons to be angry about this.

The graphically violent murder of truth is a big one.

But for me, the most viscerally infuriating part is that I'm currently aligned with a bunch of terrible people about Casey Means being unqualified. And that includes 9-11 truther Laura.
Loomer.

Somehow, she's also a Trump advisor, kind of unofficially, who gets people fired and then says, Loomered. Loomered.

You can't make me agree with Laura Loomer. That's a fucked up thing to do.
That being said, let's hope Casey Means gets loomered for real, just like Trump's previous pick got loomered.

Like, I can't, I can't believe the words I'm saying, but I want Casey Means to get loomered. Loomered.

And speaking of Heath coming to grips with what his job has forced him to become, it's time to take a quick break to tell you a little bit more about Matreon. Matreon.

Hey, podcast listener. As you know by now, it's Matreon, the time of year where we beg extra hard for your money.
Harder even than we usually do. That's right.

And while we know keeping us alive and our shows going is enough for most of you, we're definitely not above offering you a good old-fashioned bribe. Damn straight.

See, not only do our patrons get access to our patron-only pajama party live stream, but depending on how many new and upgrading patrons we get, you can add all sorts of content to the live stream and to the shows.

That's right, Noah. Did you know that a weekly podcast was a scathing fundraiser goal? That God-Awful Movies was a fundraiser goal.
Even D ⁇ D Minus was a Matreon goal.

And this year, we've got some great ones, like fake Trick Tracts, a DC live show, and a secular tacular. That's right.

A month of secular God-awful movies episodes that Heath has been long waiting for. Spectacular.
There's a ton more goals to hit and only a few more weeks to hit them.

So make sure you pledge or boost your pledge on any of our Patreon pages. And follow along at matreon.com.
That's M-A-Y-T-R-E-O-N.com. Matreon, money for us, secular movies for you.

If we hit the goal, please hit the goal.

And we're back next up in headlines in Buckets for Baker News tonight.

Televangelist, ex-con, and colloidal silver surfer Jim Baker took to the airwaves last week to let his viewers know that if they don't donate a million dollars to him within the next week, he'll wind up penniless and homeless.

Oh, no way. Yeah, quote, if everyone that watches this program gives $1,000, we'll be able to pay our bills and stay on the air.
Otherwise, we've got another maybe a month, end quote.

So don't tell me I only ever bring you bad news. Exactly.
Yeah. Okay.
So first of all, Jimmy Buckets, congrats on those thousand listeners you have. Yeah, right, right.
It's going to be tough.

I don't know. Maybe talk to one million moms.
You'll only need a dollar for this one. Exactly.

Their number is accurate. Honestly, given the way our timeline is going, when I heard that Jim Baker was in our headlines this week, I'm just relieved he's not the new post.
Sure. Yeah, fair.

So yeah, so with a quick thanks to Nick for sending this one to scathingnews at gmail.com and a quick apology for whatever unenviable prize Heath and Eli have in mind for you, I should note that this is hardly the first time that Baker has pled impending doom to grease the donation wheels.

Back in 2020, he got in some legal trouble for claiming that his proprietary snake oil could cure COVID, which led to at least one six-figure settlement.

He claimed at the time that the fines would be enough to break him, but the convicted fraudster seems to have been lying, if you can believe that.

Okay, I could swear that colloidal silver can remedy torts. Pretty sure I knew that somewhere.
Right? Yes.

Yeah, I guess as long as the movie about how much my wife hated me isn't made into a musical fuck.

Made a musical. But now he says he's in dire straits yet again because of an unspecified they have, quote, taken millions of dollars from us, end quote.

He also claims that he doesn't receive a salary for his work so he has no savings to fall back on which is demonstrably bullshit but don't worry baker wants to make it clear that you will get something for your money

not from him though but from from from god who will apparently yeah no he's going to multiply your money and then give it back to you if you donate it to jim baker which makes you wonder why he just doesn't donate the money he has to himself over and over again until he has infinity dollars, right?

But that's the way it it works baker guarantees it quote i guarantee you god's gonna do something ah even that's a bridge it is it is yeah but he continues though quote god's gonna bless you as you give because when you give you're gonna receive end quote call the next 10 minutes to lock down your interest rate with the atemporal guy yeah right right now of course as loath as i am to admit it baker's transparent hucksterism has managed to keep him in pretty comfortable employ to the age of fucking 85 and counting, even after spending five years in prison for fraud.

So

I feel like we should at least give it a try. Here we go.
Listeners, the government is trying to take away our pets.

Yeah, right. And unless we sign up 800 new or updating patrons in the month of May, we will never see Bailey, Madge, or Mike Clowder of kitties again.
But don't worry.

If you sign up this month, Batman will multiply your riches. I guarantee it.

will. Because I'm apparently allowed to legally guarantee it.
Sure are. Yeah, sure are.

And in Bark Encounter news, there are a few things man has created that are more expensive and less useful than Ken Ham's Ark Encounter.

It's a giant boat full of lies that's bad at being a boat and also bad at being full of lies. It is.
So one would think that using the space for literally anything else would be an improvement.

Well, it will surprise absolutely no one to learn that Kentucky somehow managed to make a useless building full of lies even worse this week when we learned that Kentucky police paid for a proselytization-based canine training at the facility.

What? Yeah, a facility that claims a walrus is a water dog to avoid the Bible being contradicted by the millions of species we know about.

I'm really hoping somebody brought a walrus and they were like, oh,

training a walrus. Next year.
next year, we're doing this. This is a Patreon goal.
We're signing up. Exactly.
So first off, big thanks to Anne for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Anne, you're not the ann that Heath is marrying in June, but you do share her first name.

So if you're ever at a live show, you can probably get away with saying, I'm that ann, to see cool to other listeners. Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Or, hey, if you slide in at the exact right, like if you distract Heath, make him look back, and then you just slide in and rock the veil just right, you might trick Heath into marrying you. Right.

He lifts the veil as the wrong hand, and but he's already said, I do. Yeah.

And if anybody believes in the power of a technicality strong enough to base a lifelong relationship on it, it's our very own Heathleton, but as to Esmerine, he's

got him fair and square. Anything through a rule book.
All right.

And it counts. This is the Bible.
Right. So to the story.

According to the Courier Journal, Northern Kentucky's Fort Thomas Police Department sent an officer and a German short-haired pointer named Bullet to the Ark Encounter's third canine conference in February.

Oh, it's Bullet like the bourbon because Kentucky. Yeah, exactly.

Which is described as, quote, four days of training, speeches, and gospel sermons, end quote, which is ridiculous because everyone knows all dogs already go to heaven.

Wait, are the dogs giving the sermons or getting them?

Either way, I'm fascinated.

Now, Kentucky State Police are justifying the $225 of taxpayer money spent on Theocracy by claiming the event itself was secular, with KSP spokesperson Sherry Bray saying, quote, the KSP trooper who attended advised that evangelical speeches/slash scripture memorization were conducted during breaks and not during canine training and were entirely voluntary, end quote.

Just a whole bunch of dogs being like, so boring. Oh my God.

Okay, so I

it shouldn't need to be said, but it is definitionally impossible to have a secular event at the Arken Counter creationist theme park. Yes, right.
Well, and that's the problem.

But even with that said, the Arken Counter can't stop bragging about how religious the event was, with Ken Ham writing in a blog earlier this year, quote, not only will they receive expert training, but they will have the opportunity to tour the Arkencounter and the Creation Museum and hear the message of biblical authority, the truth of God's word and the gospel.

End quote. It's obedience school and also a thing for the dogs.
It's a win and win.

All right. One last thing I want to talk about that I learned from this article that I found deeply disturbing as someone who will probably have to visit said Ark Encounter one day.

According to the Courier Journal, quote, Answers in Genesis has its own armed department of public safety, whose members wear uniforms and equipment that resembles police officer gear.

The department has several security canines who operate at the Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum.

In a 2020 video posted to YouTube, Ham said that as a free community service, the dogs have sometimes responded to bomb threats at local schools and helped secure locations for VIPs. Jesus.
End quote.

Even worse, hey, Eli, they also have a zip line. Yeah, I know.
So now it's the second most worrying thing about the Ark Encounter. Either way.
Do they really have a zip line? They do.

Yeah, they have a whole zip line course, actually. Yikes.
Either way. I think they only have one.
Let's hope those dogs understand that in their case, work's way more important than faith.

Either way, it might be worth, you know, checking for a badge or something next time there's a bomb threat at your school insurance. Yeah, right, right.

And finally tonight in Letter Spirit Cook News. Fantastic.
Celine Dion might be a baby-eating Illuminati demon queen working for the evil satanic atheist Jewish cabal. I've been saying it for years.

And if she is, it was a mistake to have her do a collaboration with a children's clothing brand that leaves a whole bunch of clues in their marketing campaign about the cabal.

That was about seven years ago when Celine did the collab, but an intrepid journalist named...

Red Pill Drifter finally cracked the case.

And yes, Red Pill Drifter has a blue check on their Twitter account. So they're definitely legit.
Well, I mean, they took the correct pill and everything, so obviously, yeah.

So, the kids' clothing brand is called New New New, N-U-N-U-N-U. And according to Red Pill Drifter, that obviously stands for New World Order.

We don't get any explanation, but based on my knowledge of the deep state, and I have a lot, the first new is just, it's for new, simple, right? Got it. The second N-U is actually the letter W,

with the first line of the N being like a pre-serif like

passive. I see it.

And the final NU is actually the letter O, because if you, if you, if you stretch the N into a semicircle and then you put that on top of the U, that's an oh, yep, I can see the animation now. Yeah.

Or as mentioned by Robin Panakia at Wanket, it might be UN backwards, which is solid theory. So that'd be Nations United, Nations United, Nations United, the brand.
Solid theory.

Red Pill Drifter is furious. They didn't think of that, I'm sure.
Also,

the ghost of Boutros Gali is right behind me. Oh, shit.

Anyway, the initial tweet from Red Pill Drifter has an image of Celine Dion holding a goat skull up to her face, and it says, thread, thread emoji. Celine Dion has a clothing brand called New New New.

New New New doing Satan stuff. Satan stuff is my favorite stuff.

News stands for New World Order. The following images were pulled from the New New New Instagram page.
If by the end of this, you still don't get it, then you never will. Oh, well.
Fact, fact.

Okay, I think that the N is for new and the U is for

World Order. Okay, that's pretty solid.
May I ask a clarifying question, however?

Does the children's clothing brand have a post on their Instagram where Celine Dion is holding a goat skull up to her face? Because that is a terrible way to sell toddlers' pants.

It's an interesting marketing campaign. They do have that.
That part's true.

Yeah. Then maybe, can I say, let's open our minds to Red Pill Drifter a little more.
I think part of it was just knowing that Red Pill Drifter was going to boost their

advertising.

Yeah, I think it might have been a good play. A little Streisand effect to your own advantage.

So from there, the now viral thread zeroes in on a dress that has blood spatter on it, or possibly fabric dye or paint of any color. And the photo is in black and white, so they wouldn't know.

Also, the dress is not from Dion's collection that they're focused on here. Yeah, it's neither here nor there.

The point is, the girl wearing the dress in that photo is holding a stuffed bunny and a paper bag with eye holes cut out.

And according to Red Pill Drifter, quote, white rabbit symbolizes innocence and resembles the chemical compound of adrenochrome, end quote. So I actually checked on that.

And a molecule of adrenochrome, to my surprise, does have very clear rabbit ears. It's unmistakable.

No, to be clear, adrenochrome has like you can't directly image adrenochrome because you can't isolate it and take a fucking picture of it.

So he's comparing fucking bunny to the molecular model of a dream chemistry text

right no exactly it's the chemistry equivalent of expecting the ground to change color when you cross a state border we live next to the big am right all right y'all noah is just mad because this thing totally looks like a fucking bunny sometimes

the bad guys get it right i'm not saying that this doesn't look like a bunny it's a bunny it looks a lot i'm saying it doesn't look like a dream

it's got a little carboxyl tail it's clearly a bunny it's a bunny okay so i'm guessing you're probably red pill curious at this point, but you want a bit more evidence.

Well, we also got a photo of a baby in a demonic onesie.

It's actually adorable with two little horns on the hat. And it's got five pointed stars on the onesie.

And according to Red Pill Drifter, there's always at least one star pointing in the direction that makes a satanic pentagram. Well, it depends on how hard you spin the baby, but sure, okay.

Fun fact, spin the baby is the game Elon keeps trying to get his Legion of Broodmares to play in this volcano lair, but they always say no.

So here's my favorite piece of evidence. There's a dress that's labeled New New New Resort.
And Red Pill Drifter said, I'd love to find out why the caption says New New New Resort. What? Resort?

Well, it turns out resort is just the name of a season for fancy fashion people who go to like resorts in late winter and early spring. It's like a season in fashion.

So it's either that as the explanation for that word resort, or there's a club med for eating children with, I would have to assume, a really funny commercial. Oh, for sure.

And if you rearrange the letters in new, new, new, new resort, it spells Neron Sun Rut, which means they're trying to punch your

brains out with the sunlight. That's right.
That's with the yellow sun, which is white now instead of yellow.

yeah exactly yeah i just love a universe in which this person lives in which not only is there a secret baby murder eating cult in charge of everything but they're out on insta recommending a dress code for their next event

yeah right right something you can uh you know jump into a cargo net and bounce up on a trampoline or they'll go out for dinner that night at club med yeah so now you're probably thinking Okay, Heath, that's clearly a brand for the fashion forward edible child on the go who wants to impress the traffickers.

But why does everybody care so much? Why not let them look nice? Well, as usual, the answer is bigotry, transphobia, I'm pretty sure.

The big finale of the panicky thread is about the commercial that Celine Dion starred in for New New New.

Red Pill Drifter is pretty sure Celine is breaking into a maternity ward and stealing the babies in that commercial. But you can watch with your eyes, and that's not what happened

in the commercial. That's not what happened.
Celine goes into a room full of bassinets and changes all the pink and blue outfits into gender-neutral black ones, like they have at New New New.

Celine does that with magical dust. It's actually a delightful commercial.
It's really funny. Yeah.
No, if anything, she's giving the kids like drugs, like a delightful dust. Sure.
Yeah.

turning them into gay Satanists. So what we're saying is we're loving what she's dishing out in this video.
Okay.

The only detail that lends any credit to the conspiracy is that one of the babies in the commercial does have a onesie that says new order on it in big block letters.

And okay, if that was on purpose to get extra attention from lunatics and it finally paid off seven years later, that is great work by Nunu Nu. Yeah, it's all about the long game, everybody.
Yeah.

So I wanted to be thorough in my fact finding. And I contacted Celine Dion about this to get the full scoop.
She actually wrote back.

She said, yeah, that was like seven years ago, but it's all coming back to me.

God dare you.

Here's the thing. I guess I missed a few meetings back in 2018 when we hired Celine as an operative hiding in plain sight.
Well, it looks like they're on to us now.

So I'm thinking we shut down that project a little bit, lie low till this blows over. And then Phase three,

Drenochrome. Just be cool about it.
We're almost there. Be patient.
All right. Well, there is an Illuminati phone chain for shit like this, so I need to wrap the headlines and call Rihanna real quick.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Chumaji.
And when we come back, I'll refuse to give Don Ford Rihanna's phone number a yet.

You got to shoot his shields. Every time? Yeah, man, every time.
Yeah. Why does the mime even have shields? It's like invisible box thing, you know.

Invisible box.

I forgot mimes did that. What? I forgot that.
Hey, guys. Don, when did you get here? Oh, Eli pretended to be a state fair that needed a judge for their funnel cake competition.
Oh, yeah.

He got me with that one, too.

Works every time. Everybody loves funnel cake.
It's true. They do.
So you guys ready for Bible Peace Theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it? We sure are. Where were we? Acts.
Right, the sequel to Luke that nobody wanted. That's the one.

And since the apostles have been miracling, it's time for some Christian oppression.

Libertyans,

Serenians, and Alexandrians, and them of Cilicia and of Asia.

What are you guys rabbling about? It's Stephen. We heard him blaspheming against Moses and God.

Stephen, is this true? No, no, those guys are just jealous because I can do miracles and they can't debate me.

It's a weird list. Okay, uh, accuser, guys, what did he say? Well, I heard him say that Jesus will destroy the temple and change the laws of Moses.
Stephen, is this true?

What is that? What are you doing? Oh, the Bible says that everyone looked and I had the face of an angel. Got it, got it.
Not great for audio medium. Anyway, I'm trying to act it up.

Do you have like, um, do you have like a defense? Um,

do you guys know the story of Abraham?

Yeah, man.

Okay, that

sorry, just the story of Abraham. That's all you're saying?

No, no, no,

also,

do you know the story of Moses?

Well, yeah, we know the story of Moses. Okay, well, then that too.

Okay, well, we're gonna like

and and and and also

Solomon and David. Wait a second.
Do you say also the story of Solomon and David? Um

yeah.

Solomon's a man.

I am literally seeing Jesus and God in person right now.

All right, this way guys, let's stone this motherfucker. Oh, hey guys, you stoning someone? Oh, hey.

Hey, Saul. Yeah, this guy told us the story of Moses and Abraham and stuff.
Oh, and you all freaked out and lost your minds? Yeah, yeah. Hey, will you hold our clothes?

We don't want to get them all like bloody. Bloody, sure.
Yeah, no, I'll hold them.

Lord Jesus, forgive them. Oh, that's nice of you.
Yeah, I appreciate it, Stephen. You guys are still going to stand me.
Oh, very much so, yes. Uh, beams.

Hey, you know what? This persecuting Christian thing seems pretty awesome. I'm going to do it too from now on.

Oh, man. It is a lot of fun.
Nice.

All right, so now we're going to cut over to the adventures of Philip, who's miracling in Samaria.

There you go. All healed.
Oh, thanks, Philip. No problem, guys.
Just remember to believe in Jesus. We will.

Hey, Philip, right? Yeah, no, that's me. Hi, I'm Simon.
Oh, you're the wizard guy I've been hearing about. Yeah.
Yeah, I've been using sorcery around here to bewitch people for a minute. Oh, I bet.

Yeah. Yeah, so everyone tells me you get your magic powers from a guy named Jesus.
Yeah, yeah. I believe in Jesus and, well, he gives me magic powers.
Nice.

Say, could I believe in Jesus and also get magic powers? Uh,

I guess so. Nice.

You got, but you gotta like really mean it, though. Oh, yeah, no, I totally.
I totally mean it. To you? Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Peppers. Yep.
Mean it.

Okay.

Mean it.

John, Peter, what are you guys doing here? Oh, well, we heard what a good job you were doing down here, and we thought we might visit some new believers with the Holy Spirit. Oh, cool.

You know, people will love that. Right?

Hey, Philip, who are these guys? Oh, hey, Simon, this is Peter, and this is John. Oh, wow.
Heard a lot about you guys. I'm Simon.
Yeah, so I have magic powers because of Jesus.

Oh, yeah, yeah, cool, man. So do we.
Yeah. Right? You just get them for believing a thing.
You just get them. Yeah.
Okay. Anyway, we should probably get bestowing the Holy Spirit on people.
Oh, cool.

Can I have that power?

We kind of wanted to do like a group thing. I'll give you $11.

I oh,

it's not a money. $8.

Why is the number lower now? Okay, look, man, you just can't buy your way into heaven, okay? You don't get the Holy Spirit now, okay? No Holy Spirit for you. Okay, wow.
Really? Wow.

I'm sorry. It's just, it's kind of our thing.
And sure, sure.

But, okay, just real quick, before you go. Oh, my God.
What?

Will you guys pray that nothing bad happens to me? What? Why?

It just seems like you guys are mad. And, you know, God keeps killing people that you're mad at.
I'd appreciate it if you both prayed that nothing bad happened to me.

Fine.

With your Jesus powers. Okay, fine, fine, fine.
We will pray for you with our Jesus powers. Great.
Okay. Great.
Yeah. All right.
Uh-huh.

You guys sure on that? Holy Spirit thing? Oh my God. Yes, we are sure.
All right, I'm out. I'm out.
See ya. Hi, Simon.

Guys, we have to get a better system of who gets magic powers. I was just thinking that.
Literally. But you don't, though.

No, no, we do not.

Yo, yo, Philip. Wake up.
Oh, it's the angel of the Lord. In the flesh, double mint fresh.
Okay, look, you gotta go south to Gaza right now. Why?

God wants you to talk to a eunuch there about the Bible? Oh, sure, okay.

Is that a... Is that wing sauce? No.

Got it.

Hey, did you hear I'm dating a guy named Big Balls now?

No, I did. I didn't.
Yeah, you gotta listen to all the shows, but that's canon now. Got it.
Okay, thanks. Dating Big Balls.

And that is why that passage is about Jesus. Gee, thanks, Philip.
No problem. No problem.
Hey, you want to get baptized now? Sure, why not?

Wow, Philip, that was.

Philip?

Whoa.

He must have gotten snatched away by the lore. Yeah, no, sorry.
I had to use the carpooling. Hey, by the way, did you hear that I'm dating? I heard you mentioned it earlier.
Got it. Got it.
Got it.

We're in love. I don't really think this is serving this show.
Well, I'm just saying, we are in love.

Oh, man. And when I asked that guy, but are you a Christian Jew? He was like, why?

Hilarious. Totally hilarious.
Saul, you are the best. I love persecuting Christians.
What can I say? What could I say?

Saul, be careful.

Whoa.

Saul. Saul and his eye.
Jesus. Clip clap.
Oh, wow. You really took a header off that horse, huh? Clip clap.
Right. Well, um,

stop persecuting my people. Clip clap.
Who's he talking to? No idea, man. Okay, well, um, get up and go to the city.
There you'll be told what to do. Clip, clap, clap.
You can't see.

Oh, man, I really should have waited till you were off the horse. Clip clap.
Just

have these guys take you to the city and I'll have someone come get you, okay? Clip clap. Saul,

are you okay? Clip, clip, clap, clip clap, clip clap. Yeah, man, we'll take you to the city.
Clip clap. Your ear is bleeding.
Clip clap? Yeah, man, like a lot.

Ananias. Ananias, heed my words.
Jesus? Is that you? Indeed, it is. Go to the house of Judas on Straight Street.
Wait, like the... Judas who betrayed you? No, no, it's the other Judas.
Other Judas.

Okay, got it. It's confusing, though.
Yeah, it it sure is but anyway find you there a man named Saul he awaits your coming and you will heal his eyesight wait a second.

Do you mean Saul the oppressor of Christians? I mean yes Technically, that's the guy. Yes, I can't go there.
He'll kill me. No,

no, he won't. Um are you sure? Yeah, pretty sure.
He's had um

a change of heart. Okay, because he was like the most vicious person ever.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, I remember, but trust me, it's all good now, Boo.
Okay.

Hello? Is anyone here? It's me. I'm Aeneas.
I'm here for

Saul. Clip clap.
Yikes, what happened to your head? Clip clap, clip, clap. Sure, sure, yeah.
Is that um

second name better? Clip clap clip. Sure, sure.
Well, um, Jesus told me to lay hands on you.

All right, uh, are you, um, you healed? Clip! Clip, clap, clap! You can see? Clip, clap! Oh, but, okay, you still sound like that. Clip, clap.

Nothing. Never mind.
Never mind. Clip.
Clip, clap, clip, clap, clip, clap, clap, clip. Alright, Saul.
See ya. Clip, clap.
Praise him indeed.

Clip clap. Clip, clap, clap, clip, clip, clap, clip, clap, clip, clap.
Hey, civilian. What's this guy doing?

Oh, that's um Saul. He's telling everybody about Jesus.
Yes. Yep.

Oh,

we're kind of supposed to kill anybody who does that. You are? Yeah.

Clip clap clip. I

really don't want to kill that guy, though. I mean,

this isn't exactly Texas, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, no, no, I feel that for sure. Same thing happened in Damascus.
Everyone kind of looked the other way while they snuck him out in a basket.

Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, could we do that?

Yeah, okay, yeah. Let me see if we can send him on to like Caesarea.
Yeah, no, that'd be great. Thanks.
Clip clap. Praise him indeed, buddy.
Praise him indeed. You're doing great, pal.
Clip clap.

And on that note, we're going to wrap it up for the night, but Paul ain't dead, so there are more acts to come on the next. Bible, peace to you.

Before we sink back into the earth, I wanted to thank thank everybody who's already signed up or increased their pledge this month.

I know it's not the best economy to be pressing for donations in, so that makes every pledge count that much more this year.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy movie that we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptic, debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Monday, and an even newer episode of our Sister Show's Hot Friend Godifold Movies, debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Show Sanitation Nina debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I'd deserve a demotion if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being a badass, Eli Bosnick for being a smart ass, Lucind Illusions for being a lovely human being in every possible way, and Don Ford for being a wise ass.

I also want to thank Dr. Andrew Shale for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.
Nothing ass-related to say about him.

I don't know him well enough, but to be clear, it was the breakfast club close in reference to a joke that Eli kept making, and I didn't want to follow Heath to the Animal House close because I didn't want to reference a T He sexual harassment movie every week.

But the American Graffiti close, now that's one that I think I could get behind.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous Matreon mammals, David, Sarah, Tyler in the interim, Daniel, Dan, other Daniel, Michael, Lars, Erica, Sherry, Blake, Leslie, Arthur, X, Evan, Brad, Belfour, Cravens, David, Sam, and Justin, who are so bright you can see the eclipse from the sun side too.

Together, these 20 plus new and upgrading patrons heard our cry for money and answered back with cha-chings.

And if you too want to get on on the Matreon action, you can make a per-epso donation at patreon.com/slash scathing atheists, where I ride you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode.

You can check the progress at matreon.com, m-a-y-t-r-e-o-n.com, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadious.com.

And yes, those donations count as well.

And if you'd like to help, but all your money is tied up in tantrum tariffs, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media and speaking to social media.

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If you have questions, comments, or death rich, fund all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadious.com.

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The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved. Six friends, one dinner, and then the bill.
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Cocktails that were basically water. The total Manhattan rent.
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