635: Papal Dilation Edition

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Warning, this podcast contains the words quantum and chimney, which seems as relevant to me as warning you that it contains shit and fuck.

But here we are.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by stamps.com, Aura Frames, and by the survival pack for anybody about to be locked in a church with 100 plus cardinals for an indeterminate amount of time, the Pontificate.

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It's mostly just bear spray to keep those rapey fucks at a distance.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Hi, this is Dorian.

A talented friend of mine wrote a trans-inclusive book about premenstrual dysphoric disorder called The Cycle.

If the transphobes in her DMs are any indication, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey people.

It's Thursday.

It's May 1st.

And it's the National Day of Prayer and the National Day of Reason.

Undefeated, baby.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Ethan Wright.

And from Marjorie Terrell Bosnick's New Jersey, Ann Arver, Michigan, and Wake Rust, Georgia.

This is the Scathing Atheist.

Of this week's episode, the Pope is laid to solemn rest in a gold box full of coins.

A federal court considers the merits of sincerely held acid tabs.

And we'll show the conclave of a bold way forward.

But first, the diatribe.

Whenever you express your atheism outside of like the American Atheist Annual Convention, you're likely to have to deal with one of these motherfuckers who thinks that religion serves some kind of a purpose.

Right.

Maybe it'll come from a religious person, or maybe it's just from one of those hyper-elitists who will admit that you and I don't need religion, but all them misguided normies do.

And the purpose, as they generally see it, is to make people more moral, to help them tamp down on their more like antisocial reflexes and weigh unethical actions against divine punishment.

Now, the standard atheist retort here is usually to point out how much less ethical religious people are than non-religious people, even if we let them load up the category of moral with a bunch of irrelevant shit like not getting divorced and knowing what the Bible says.

But as C.S.

Lewis points out in Mere Christianity, that's not quite the knockdown drag out argument that we often present it as.

After all, if religion makes one more moral, then it stands to reason that people who have problems being moral would be more likely to seek its services.

So, with apologies to Lewis for using so much better an analogy than whatever lawnmower fucking shit that he came up with, Pointing out that atheists are more moral than Christians in this instance is kind of like pointing out that people on diets are heavier than people who aren't on diets and then using that fact to say that diets don't work.

Now, that's far from a perfect analogy.

I mean, it's good in that diets don't actually work, but it also assumes that people come to religion because they feel they need its services rather than because they were indoctrinated as children, which the evidence doesn't support.

But it does poke enough of a hole in the atheist rebuttal that it needs to be addressed.

So here's my proposal.

So first of all, let's just set aside the argument that being Christian makes one moral.

I think even most Christians would dismiss this, right?

Because anybody can just say the Jesus words.

And the common Christian definition of Christian excludes a lot of people who would self-identify self-identify under that label, even before they need a no true Scotsman fallacy, right?

Like being Christian in the minds of a Christian means more than answering Christian when somebody asks your religion.

So instead of using the metric of people who say they're Christian, let's use the metric of doing Christianity.

Now, we obviously can't objectively measure one's humility or whether they were thinking about Jesus or heaven or hell when they made such and such a decision, but luckily we don't have to.

We have a proxy that serves our purpose because if the claim is that doing Christianity imparts morality and that doing so gains religion a social value to offset its social cost, then we have to believe that going to church counts as doing Christianity, right?

Because otherwise, even if religion could impart morality, we'd have no evidence that it was imparting morality.

In other words, if going to church doesn't count as doing Christianity, then you can no longer argue that churches serve a positive social function, even if Christianity did.

The implication, therefore, is that Christians will, generally speaking, be at their most moral while they're in church and their second most moral right afterwards, right after they've drank from the font of morality that is their faith.

So here's how I propose we test this.

I want you to go to find the nearest and most honest person in your life that has ever waited tables for a living.

And I want you to ask them about that Sunday afternoon crowd.

Ask them how moral that fresh-from-church Christian was compared to like a bunch of stone teenagers staggering in for four waters and a shared plate of cheese sticks at 10.30 p.m.

Ask them how well the Christians tipped.

Ask them how often they left like a little come to Jesus notes on the tip or instead of the tip or at its fucking worst, disguised as the tip.

Ask them how many of those people chastised them for not being in church instead of at work on Sunday as though they were at work because the server chose to be there and not because the fucking customer chose to be there.

Ask them how trivial their complaints were, how messy their tables were, how rude they were, how ungrateful they were, how ungenerous they were.

And use that to fill out Christianity's report card.

You probably won't be surprised to learn that this thought occurred to me last Sunday afternoon when my wife and I went out for some meats.

We went to this diner one town over, and we timed it such that a huge church group was already seated when we got there.

And it's a small diner, so they took up damn near the whole place.

It was this church group and like three other booths.

And when we got there, most of the tables from the Christian group were just finishing up their food, and a few of them were already done.

And when we left, they were all still there.

The kitchen was running super slow at this point.

We were there for over an hour.

Now, consider that from the perspective of the business owner or from the servers, right?

Big group comes in, fills up your restaurant.

That's great, right?

But then they just fucking sit there through all of lunch rush for over an hour after they're done eating.

14 tables where the well-dressed rednecks keep you running back and forth for drink refills and extra napkins instead of getting the fuck up and freeing that table up for the next customer.

Now, of course, if you ask the Christian booth hogs, they'd be shocked at any accusation of assholery.

After all, visiting with your fellow church members, socializing with them, learning about their lives, engaging with their problems, that's all moral shit.

But in this instance, it's moral shit at somebody else's expense.

And it's also moral shit that could happen in the fucking parking lot or in your living room or literally anywhere but the only six top in Stella's station this afternoon.

And as I watched it, I realized what a perfect microcosm it was of the problem with Christian morality.

Because what church actually imparts isn't ethics, it's in-grouping.

It's a sense of belonging that gives you identity by blinding you to the people around you or straight up demonizing them.

There's a privilege in belonging to a large group that allows you to rewrite the social norms, right?

Rewrite the rules of right and wrong.

Consider a group of 12 people in a restaurant breaking out in applause and compare that to if like just two guys did it.

That's what religion imparts.

It imparts a self-reinforcing feeling of moral rectitude in spite of one's assholery.

That's its product, and that's how we should assess its value.

They're talking about your Jesus.

The interrupt is broadcast and bring you a special news.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the pen and cran to my pencil, Heath Enright, and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to get things right?

Inconceivable.

Ooh.

See, I just had, I'm ready to make my marker.

All right.

Well, I'm already dull again, so I need to break this sharpen up.

And while I do that, we'll toss things over to a word from our first sponsor this week, stamps.com.

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I see the light.

I see it.

I told you we shouldn't have hired someone on Fiverr.

Really, Heath, now?

What?

I'm just saying, we shouldn't have.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, the Vatican depoped itself on Saturday, and that was some weird shit.

Right?

Ooh.

That's an ooh.

Start with the fact that the audience clapped when they brought out the coffin.

Okay.

Big old round of applause, and again, when they put him on the little pope stand.

Seriously, so weird.

Yeah, thunderous applause at a funeral seems weird if the person who died isn't somebody you hate, but that was hardly the weirdest part of a ceremony that included a bag of Pope-themed collector coins, history's least enthusiastic sing-along, and the impossibly fucking moment where a cardinal poured ceremonial water and incense over the pope's staff.

It's like a commercial for holy sialis, like necro blend.

It was terrifying.

Honestly, the fact that it wasn't being lubed up to go in a butt was the weirdest part about it, right?

I agree.

They just put it in the box.

I was like,

you felt like the whole, remember when they announced the price of the Vision Pro at the Apple thing, and you could hear everybody in the room go, oh,

you got to make it less weird, man.

Somebody's got to fuck it.

Now, religious news services claim that the two and a half hour, $8 million spectacle with a live audience of a quarter million, quote, reflected the Argentine pontiff's spirit of humility.

And,

quote, yeah,

humility?

Personally, I found it to be somewhat less than that.

I don't think that word means what they think it means.

Everything okay, religious scouts.

Well, and it's worth noting that in addition to the quarter million that were there in St.

Peter's Square for the main event, thousands more had lined the streets of Rome to catch a glimpse of Frankie's post-funerary, you know, a humble hearse tour.

Okay.

Feels like the woke Pope.

would put it in his will that like he's giving that $8 million to the poor.

There you go.

And have a small funeral with just family and close friends.

I think he was a liar.

I think he was a virtue signaling liar.

Or go all out, right?

Ticket master the fuck out of that thing and donate 8 billion to charity.

Oh, there you go.

Sure.

Just not what you did.

The only thing you should have done is what you did.

Fire me out of a cannon, right?

I don't think he's infallible either now that I think about it.

Obviously.

Oh, shit.

Now, it's worth noting that among the attendees were quite a few people who originally booked their tickets to see that preserved corpse of the millennial cancer kid they were exploiting for likes.

Called a twofer.

Yeah, well, right, right.

Because then those folks got a fortuitous upgrade when the pope keeled over, which got me to wondering if every Catholic who books a trip to Vatican City has a secret hope that the Pope's going to die when they're en route, you know, and then like suddenly they're going to have a ticket to the papal funeral.

It feels like that would be a weird one to confess, right?

Okay, Father.

So I was looking on StubHub.

Here's the thing.

They're going way over face value.

Come on, right?

That's cool.

But the biggest news out of Vatican City on Saturday, of course, came from our idiotically underdressed president who somehow doesn't fucking know that you wear black to a goddamn fucking funeral.

A fact that the average 12-year-old could tell you, and he instead shows up in a blue fucking suit.

And then, and I think this part is being under-addressed in the press coverage about this issue, doesn't change.

He's a fucking president.

He could have a black suit airlifted to him in three fucking minutes with a drone or some shit.

But this idiot shows up to the funeral in his fucking navy blazer and either does not notice or does not care that literally everyone but him is wearing the same fucking color.

Okay, I cannot wait to see what the squad wears to Trump's funeral.

It's going to be fun.

Don't be silly, Heath.

They won't be alive.

Now,

the conclave to choose a successor is set to begin on May 7th.

And while there's no set time limit on how long those can go, the last couple we're over within 48 hours, probably going to have something like that again.

So, you know, look for some breathless chimney watching this time next week.

And notice how the fact that nobody's pope right now changes literally anything in the fucking universe and take from that information whatever you choose to.

Do you think it feels like a different one because this is the year after Conclave came out?

Like, do you think everyone's feeling like, come on, guys, let's get a little drama.

So I wonder if the producers of Conclave are like, really, man, you wait until fucking six goddamn months after we're out of theaters?

Yeah.

Yeah, they could have gotten an Oscar for that.

Yeah.

And in Cross My Heart and Hope to Fly News, an 84-year-old West Virginia man fell from a crucifix on Good Friday and had to be evacuated by a helicopter to a nearby hospital.

The incident happened at the Masonic Cemetery in Weston, over by the USA Martial Arts Training Center and and the car wash called Car Wash.

And it was part of a reenactment of the crucifixion by a local church.

The guy's going to be fine.

So now we're going to make fun of it.

I'll start by saying Christianity is fucking stupid.

And I'll start by saying that we would totally make fun of it, even if this guy wasn't fine.

I just, I don't want to set expectations.

Right, no, no, like, look, if you, but if you get hurt reenacting being tortured to death, voluntarily reenacting being tortured to death, I feel like that's on you.

And a big thanks to John for sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

And a big thanks to Stormy D for Cross My Heart and Hope to Fly.

Well played.

If John or Stormy ever sees me dressed up as the Easter Bunny and they're 100% sure it's me, they can do one flying side tackle free of charge.

Don't listen, John and Stormy.

He's just luring you into a hall of mirrors for a final confrontation.

I'm falling for this.

Or amant.

I you don't know.

So apparently it's a standard thing for lots of American churches to reenact a public torture murder of three people to celebrate Good Friday.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, if you build rickety as fuck crosses with tiny little foot pads and you make three old men go up there dressed as Jesus Christ and two thieves and make them stand there for about five hours.

Jesus.

They might fall.

And that's exactly what happened to one of the guys.

The fall was about 10 feet down from the foot pad, and it led to several broken ribs.

There's a photo of the reenactment, and

you can see the cross with the oldest guy.

Oh, my God.

He's already way too fucking hurtful.

And two guys dressed up as Roman centurions are standing watch and very clearly completely ignoring the obvious danger of that tilt.

Okay, y'all, Heath has included a picture of this in our notes.

Not only is this man triple the weight of someone who should be reenacting a crucifixion, he is in the photograph, which I assume is not like an action shot, leaning tower of Pisa angle.

Yes.

Yes.

Already.

Right.

Right.

Imagine being one of these younger, fitter guys in the Roman soldier costume, you know, that the overweight 84-year-old guy looked at on the way up, going, You sure I'm the only one volunteering for this role?

Because we can't just have Jesus in one theme.

And just imagine what a prick you felt like when you heard that older than Joe Biden fucking ribs start cracking, right?

No, no, wrong on himself.

Okay, so besides the hilarious noise that Noah just described, my favorite part of the story is the news coverage.

I'll start with a local channel called WDTV.

I think they're an NBC affiliate.

And they were doing their best to be good Christians.

In their written report, they went out of their way to make it clear that the 84-year-old man who fell was not a member of the church.

Just some guy, probably an atheist.

We just don't know, but probably an atheist.

And here's the very last line of their story: quote:

At this time, there is no word on what caused the man to fall from the cross.

Okay.

End quote.

I'm not sure if that's bad reporting or if they don't believe in gravity.

Really?

Honestly.

Well, maybe they're just trying to leave room for the readers who want to blame Satan for it.

Sure, sure.

And here's what we learned from The Independent.

According to a church member named Beth Barnes, MVP,

the church put the display right near the highway so that people would pull over and ask questions about Christianity in West Virginia where they didn't know enough about Christianity.

What the fuck are you doing?

Is anyone going to catch that guy?

Oh, God.

Why is he leaning over so far?

There's a lot of good questions.

We're out.

We'll do it later.

We'll do it later.

She told a reporter, exact words, we are here today on this windy but gorgeous day.

to reenact the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

We've been here in years past when it was raining with sleet, snow, and freezing temperatures, but today is perfect.

There are people who are on the crosses who represent Jesus and the two thieves.

End quote.

And then the article points out that Beth Barnes said that stuff, quote, apparently before the fall took place.

which seemed like a really stupid addition, but then it made me think about the alternative.

So one of two things happened, and I think they're both amazing.

Either Beth was like, today

is perfect, Jesus Christ and the two thieves,

or

she was standing with a reporter already,

today

is perfect.

Jesus Christ and the two thieves.

If she's trying to get it in under the wire, like he's following, she's like, Jesus Christ and the two thieves.

All right, well, now it's just the one thief.

Well, either way, it backs up her today is perfect claim from our perspective, perspective, I think.

Absolutely.

And in test of their metal news, if you told me that an 800-year-old cathedral would be celebrating the restoration of their 190-year-old organ with one of the hottest and most controversial heavy metal concerts of the year, I'd have told you.

You're talking about England, aren't you?

And of course, I would be right, as this week, York Minster was the venue of choice for Plague of Angels, much to the angst of many a Christian.

Okay, I told Plague of Angels to switch their name to COVID and Christians would show up at the church in drugs.

Nobody listens.

Yeah, Christians are constantly at cross-purposes trying to figure out how to fill the pews without actually doing things that people want to look at.

It's tough.

That's a tough act.

Yeah, exactly.

So first off, big thanks to Nick, who sent us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

When you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, you can brighten our headline segment with adorably British stories like this one,

us one step further away from the edge of despair.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Yeah, and dude, Nick, Eli has reserved parking at the edge of despair, so good on you.

When he walks into the edge of despair, all the regulars yell, Eli, it's really sad.

Yeah, people, they tell people that they're in my booth.

It's nice.

Now, you might be wondering, Eli, what's got these Christians so up in arms?

York Minster has been a performance venue for all sorts of concerts, and it's not like they're packing it with 1,400 attendees on the regular anyway well it turns out as you might have guessed from the title the problem was the band you see two of the members of plague of angels were in a band called cradle of filth and cradle of filth apparently created what rolling stone once called the most controversial shirt in rock history the shirt which features a masturbating topless nun said

jesus is a cunt across the back and so when local Christians heard the band was coming to town, everyone was sure there was going to be a massive protest in response.

Okay, that t-shirt has a lot going on.

It really does.

I'm picturing a million moms hearing nine different alarms go off and sliding a fire pole.

And then all three of those moms argue about a scoldy email because that's their very important job.

While a fourth one lectures them about the sexual impropriety of sliding down a pole in public.

Yeah, exactly.

So good news, much like the Christian faith itself, nobody really means it.

At least not in England.

The protesters that were promised did not make the show.

Most of the tickets sold out within the first day, and the controversy seems to have helped.

As one attendee, a lay minister herself put it, quote, the controversy actually made me book it.

I really wanted it to go ahead, end quote.

Well, go ahead, it did.

And as I said, it seems like it was a huge success.

And hey, Yorkminster, if you ever needed a podcast still willing and able to call jesus a cunt and come do a live show you know where to find us all right well i guess i need to take a minute to dream of a future where we can book a 1400 seat venue so we're gonna take a quick break for a word from our other sponsor this week aura frames we could book it that's true

lululu doing heath stuff heath stuff is my favorite stuff lululu hey heath what's with the uh with the trophy yeah did you steal one from from a Pee Wee football team again?

Okay, first of all, I didn't steal it.

I challenged them one fair and square and they tried to Welsh.

And second, no, this is my trophy for winning Mother's Day again.

Again?

Yep.

43 and counting, baby.

Okay, but Heath, you're an only child.

Isn't that kind of cheating?

If the other team doesn't show up, that's a win.

Man, I wish I had it that easy.

Well, Noah, why don't you try an aura frame?

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Well, that does sound like a win.

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All right, Heath.

Well, congrats, I guess.

Like I told that football team, you gotta want it.

Didn't you come to that game with a sword?

And none of them wanted it enough to take it from me.

Sure.

A man wrote the Bible.

A whore's what's mine.

It's a legitimate raid.

An interest,

right?

Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm bad at a man.

This weekend, Mississauga.

Here's a fucked up thing to chew on.

Every time I've appeared on this show in the year 2025, I've done so with fewer rights.

If you also live in America, you've had fewer rights every time too.

If there was an American freedom tracker out there in the world, the cliff it's tumbling down would put the stock market correction to shame.

But the speed at which you're losing those rights is different depending on which reproductive organs you bring to the table.

And we were reminded of that yet again when a federal judge in North Dakota decided that Catholic employers no longer have to abide by federal regulations that protect workers seeking abortions and fertility treatments.

And if you want to know how full of religious bullshit this ruling was, let me just quote a quick excerpt for you.

Quote, it is a precarious time for people of religious faith in America.

It has been described as a post-Christian age, end quote.

And I'm sorry, but the only people saying America is in a post-Christian age are Christians trying to scaremonger other Christians into taking away people's fucking rights.

But hey, maybe I'm just overthinking it.

After all, I'm thinking and I'm a woman.

So some would argue that that's evidence of overthinking right there.

And one of the preeminent people making the argument against women thinking, in both word and deed, is Paula White Cain, televangelist, senior advisor to the White House faith office, and person whose eyes are always trying to kill something on the other side of a wall with nothing but focus.

In a recent interview on the Steve Gruber show, she, a senior advisor to the fucking president, reminded female viewers that her God designed them to submit to their husbands.

While agreeing with Gruber about how Christianity needs more, quote, real men, end quote, she said of her husband, quote, if there's ever a time that a decision has to be made and we don't agree on something, he's the head.

It's not that hard to submit, end quote.

Now, Paula, I've never met your husband, but the one thing I know about his decision-making process is that it led him to marry you after he saw how that worked out for your first two husbands.

So I'm pretty confident in saying that nobody should submit their decision-making to that number.

And what about women without husbands?

Who are they supposed to submit to?

Are they just supposed to walk around in a quantum superposition waiting for a man to come along and collapse the wave function for them?

Well, luckily, Republican gubernatorial candidate Kyle Linkford has an answer.

Incels.

Now, to be clear, Lankford isn't a serious candidate.

He's one of a dozen Republicans running for governor of California.

And he's like number six of six among the Republicans, none of which stand a fucking chance.

But when he was discussing his platform on immigration, he made a little news by suggesting that undocumented female immigrants should be allowed to stay if they marry incels.

So anyway, I need a minute to formally broaden my definition of varmint.

So I'm going to wrap things up there and hand you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda.

And in putting the bleak in lab leak news tonight, on April 17th of this year, the website COVID.gov contained a litany of resources for citizens concerned about the ongoing pandemic.

Frequently asked questions about the vaccines, where to find free COVID tests, information about which populations needed boosters when, that kind of stuff.

But on April 18th, it suddenly shifted to a bat shit, crazy conglomeration of conspiracy theories insisting that the virus was leaked from a Chinese lab.

And the further you scroll, the bat shittier it got.

Yeah, and if they wanted to get bat shittier, there's evidence about bats and bat shit.

Yeah.

But, you know, boo, neurod science is dumb.

So they're ignoring that.

Yeah.

Never thought I'd see the day when our own government made god-awful websites, but here we are, you know, yeah control s or whatever yeah no there was a moment where i was like should i do this story or uh because we can make a c segment out of this so the first thing that you're confronted with on this website are the words lab leak taking up the entire screen except for the space between the words where they've included a full-body image of donald trump looking like he's trying to keep his composure while the guy in front of him at the urinal takes too long And the title is written in this fucking David Baldace style block font that fades out at the bottom.

Truly insane.

Well, right.

And then below that, in a different font, it said the true origins of.

And then in a third font that is artificial signature fucking cursive, it says COVID-19.

So the overall effect is that Donald Trump is the hero in a suspense novel written by COVID-19.

It's exactly what it looks like.

And just to be clear about this.

Baldachi novel theory, the CIA did report with low confidence that there might be a a lab leak involved.

And German intelligence said it was likely, but without definitive proof.

Also, keep in mind, lots of scientists are still saying the opposite.

Also, most importantly, none of this matters for a government website that's meant to provide practical information about public health.

If Trump and RFK want to talk about their theories, put it on fucking geo cities or whatever.

Are we sure that the government isn't on geo cities at this point?

I don't know.

To be clear, this is not a like the lab leak thing, it's not a ridiculous theory, but it is a ridiculous assertion.

Right.

We don't know.

And that's why it shouldn't be your grandma's novel cover.

Right.

Yeah, right.

So now, if you keep scrolling down on this website, you're going to see a bulleted list of just asking question type coincidences, followed by a satellite image of Wuhan that has been run through a goddamn horror movie smoke filter, right?

And that map exists just to show us that the Wuhan Institute of Virology is only seven and a half miles away from the Hunan seafood market, which is where the fucking virus is believed to have first jumped humans.

A little further down, we see a profile image of Anthony Fauci wherein his did that motherfucker just suggest we inject bleach into people's face next to the preemptive pardon that Biden issued for him just in case Trump did, you know, this.

Right.

And on the map showing the seafood market and the virology lab, they have a label that just says China in Chinese letters.

Yes.

You know, in case we thought it was like Wuhan, Indiana.

No, no, no, no, no, no, it's lunch time.

I mean, you got to know your audience.

Welfare.

Yeah.

But yeah, so taken together, the gist of this site is that the powers that be have been lying to us about the COVID virus since the very beginning.

Which is a really weird argument to make if you're the president that was in charge at the very beginning of the pandemic.

Sure.

But I'm sure when Trump is done with the past, that'll no longer be the case.

Yeah.

And in Damped If You Do news, the U.S.

government kidnapped a 10-year-old U.S.

citizen and her family on the way to her cancer treatment this week and deported her.

So I think it's a four-year-old.

Are you sure?

Well,

they've done it with multiple children.

There's been multiple, there have been multiple children on their way to their cancer treatment.

Oh, so this was the more ethical version of

the past.

Because this one,

Heath,

they didn't deprive her of her cancer medication when they were in the city.

Oh, yeah, right.

Where they were like, you're deported and you can't stop at home to grab your medicine for cancer.

Also, not to be confused with the two-year-old who they just fucking lost.

Yeah.

Anyways, this blatant rejection of the U.S.

Constitution and of human decency burns a scar into our nation's soul from which we will not and should not recover.

And if you're wondering what the so-called child advocacy Christian group One Million Moms had to say about all this,

it was nothing because they were too busy complaining about a laundry brand because they said the word damp

like you sometimes say the word damn in one of their ass.

Okay.

Not quite a topless masturbating nun calling Jesus a cunt.

So just the one alarm at the station this time for the 1 million moms, I guess.

Okay.

And well, so now I want to make Eli's Yorkminster story Patreon only just so that most of the listeners don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now.

Yeah.

They'd figure it out from Con.

That's something Heath could say.

Yeah.

Heath loves to talk about it a masturbating of nuns.

Why are the listeners Italian?

They love us.

They fucking love us up there.

Are you kidding?

Huge, huh?

Seven?

All right.

So this comes to us hot off the presses from 1millionmoms.com, where only the most profane of outrage can be found.

I'll let them take it from here.

Quote, Damprid offends conservative parents in one of its latest commercials.

One Million Moms has received many complaints regarding the get rid of the damp ad,

which included insinuated profanity.

In this ad, the company attempts to promote its product that eliminates excess moisture in the air and separate subsequent

user complaining about a coupon voice, man.

You got this.

Unfortunately, this advertisement takes an inappropriate turn at the end of the commercial after both parents and the grandmother say damp several times a child also says

damn

that's adorable the father gets onto his son and corrects him by stating hey language of course Viewers understand exactly what is implied.

Yeah, and the ad should have focused more heavily on the emotional journey of that serious father.

Cutaway, he's half crying to the camera.

He's in the office.

I'm hoping Damp Rid takes the moms very seriously and does a follow-up ad to atone for their sins by that emotional journey of that scoldy father.

So, what I love the most about this story is that it would be a silly thing to give a shit about,

even if they were just saying damn, right?

Like, it's such a junior varsity cussword to begin with.

Yeah.

Nate Stanaforth says damn.

I saw the headline and I assumed it had to be about like damn

like vaginal.

Yeah, right.

Yes.

Yeah.

They continue, quote, foul language or implication of it is unnecessary in this or any advertisement.

Any advertise.

Well, I feel like you're ignoring my side business, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker Tits LLC, but fine, fine.

Yet, that is apparently what Damp Red intended with its inappropriate slogan, which is used repeatedly through its latest commercial.

This type of advertising is entirely unnecessary, particularly when a young person echoes the implied foul language in the ad.

Everyone knows children repeat what they hear.

Typically, young actors attract young viewers.

And we'd like to discourage them from continuing with this advertising trend by making people more aware of their product as a direct result of it.

Damn it.

Damn it.

They conclude, Damprid has deliberately decided to produce controversial advertisements instead of wholesome ones.

Let Damprid know that as a parent and as a consumer, you are disgusted by its recent marketing choices.

Love 1 million moms.

There are dozens of us.

Dozens.

Right.

Well, I love the hypocrisy inherent in starting with, we've been getting a flood of complaints about this ad and ending with a, so make sure that somebody gets a flood of complaints about this ad message.

So, yeah, just a reminder again that while they were typing that last sentence, our government was probably blackbagging someone and sending them to a Salvadoran concentration camp.

But hey,

at least they did it with clean mouths.

Probably not.

Damn.

And finally, tonight,

help in tripping the flight.

Fantastic news.

Army helicopter pilot Kyle Norton Reister got caught selling a whole bunch of LSD on the dark web, and now he's arguing in court that it was all sincerely held religious acid.

That's right.

Thanks to another LSDEI hire in the military,

our national security was compromised by some idiot white guy named fucking Kyle and his very serious ancient religion that requires ingesting a chemical that was invented in 1938.

Yeah, it gives a whole new meaning to let him cook, huh?

I don't know that we should label him an idiot before we know how much he's asking for a 10 strip.

I mean, thank you, Noah.

And a big thanks to Jim for sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

When we convert the company to a religion of sincerely held drugs and Nazi punching, Jim is invited to all the parties.

Right.

But Jim, importantly, statistically, a lot of our listeners are bald guys with goatees.

So it's very important that you identify which side you're on before the Nazi punching starts.

Okay, Jim?

Yeah, we'll agree on a sash, like a color or something that we'll all wear.

Good for you.

We'll be the ones wearing sashes.

So Kyle was a first lieutenant on active duty stationed in Virginia.

And as a side hustle, when he wasn't flying $90 million military helicopters, He was selling acid on a dark web marketplace using the screen name Five Eye Guys.

The Washington Post is pretty sure that's a reference to an Intel sharing alliance between the US, Canada, the UK, Australia, and New Zealand.

They're stupid.

The Washington Post is stupid.

I'm pretty sure it's a reference to the concept of the five eyes in Buddhism, which represents the five levels of perception.

That would be physical, divine, wisdom, dharma, and Buddha.

And also, Kyle really likes the burgers from Five Guys, probably.

Wait,

it also could be a reference to how many eyes it looks like people have when you're on acid.

You never know.

That would also relate a lot, yeah.

Well, regardless, he shipped out almost 1,800 orders of LSD from 2022 to 2024, at least one of those orders to a 15-year-old kid, and Kyle collected hundreds of thousands of dollars.

along the way.

At least $122,000 was tracked by law enforcement during an 11-month period.

We know about this because one of those drug deals was with an undercover cop.

I mean,

how was the acid?

Does he have an order payment?

Well, it's a really good question.

I know he's the bad guy and everything, but like mail order is so much safer than what I had to do to get acid when I was 15.

So the surprise doesn't want to admit it.

Government's the bad guy.

Okay, so here's the argument in court from Kyle's legal team.

It's based on on the Religious Freedom Restoration Act of 1993, or RIFRA.

According to his lawyer, Kyle had to sell LSD on the dark web because of the, quote, divine guidance and instruction he received while communing with LSD.

He felt compelled to dispense to co-religionists.

His religion still compels him, end quote.

Okay, and before we call bullshit on Kyle's fake religion of giving 15-year-olds LSD, I would like to remind you that a religion dedicated to giving 15-year-olds LSD would not make the top 10,000 harmful things religion has made people do.

So

let him cook.

Not even close to that.

Not even just in my lifetime.

Yeah.

Right.

So in response to the criminal prosecution, Kyle filed a civil suit claiming that taking acid is a sincerely held religious exercise protected by RIFRA.

And then a judge explained, a proximate quote, setting aside that absurd fucking claim, and real quote starting now, it's far from clear that sincere religious belief would extend to the indiscriminate selling of LSD on the dark web.

The judge also added, quote, Kyle's admitted selling of LSD on the dark web cannot likely be deemed sufficiently narrow and restrictive to ensure that only individuals of Kyle's same religion rather than recreational users of LSD were accessing the drug.

Yeah.

And as long as the legal system is equally willing to apply that logic to serving gay people and wearing magic hats, I am willing to hear that argument.

You don't get to do reality checks sometimes, Judge Narkington.

Well, yeah, no, right.

Like, if I can get a priest to sell an atheist a Jesus cracker, does this guy go free or what?

Fucking solid question.

Boss cop in a dress.

And it it gets even dumber with crypto.

So another part of Kyle's argument is that his prosecution would endanger U.S.

national security because he's a very useful rat.

According to a recent court filing, Kyle provided copious amounts of assistance to the FBI and Secret Service in their attempts to prosecute extremely dangerous and violent international Bitcoin, human, and fentanyl.

Ooh, ooh, and this guy, this guy always makes you wait in his living room for like 45 minutes before he brings out your bag.

Get him.

Get him.

And you might be wondering, what religion has LSD as their holy sacrament?

Go fuck yourself.

Kyle's religion is not named in any court filings, but his legal team did tell the court that Kyle has talked about his religion extensively on

podcasts and Substack posts.

So they could check it out there.

Well, there you go.

Well, the issue here is that nothing he's doing is more bullshit than the stuff they actually use Riffra for, though.

Right.

And you could honestly, you could argue that this is way more in keeping with Riffra's original intent, which was to protect people eating peyote as part of a Native American ceremony.

Yep.

He's close.

So here's a thought.

Maybe we stop having different laws if people say the word religion.

Oh, there you go.

I mean, like, normally you hear one simple trick.

Whatever's next is a stupid lie, but this one is real and it's got to go.

Or, or

we'll find out that Kyle's amazing content creation about the

Jesus Christ Church of LDS LSD gets him a religious exemption for being an international drug dealer on the dark web.

There you go.

So tough call.

Tough call.

Hopefully our top legal scholars can figure it out.

All right.

Well, I need to hop on the dark web real quick.

So we're going to wrap the headlines there.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

And when we come back, I'll ask these guys if they can see the walls breathing too.

Hey, folks, it's May, and longtime listeners will know that that means it's Matreon, the time of year when we shamelessly beg you for money more than we normally do.

But this year, Matreon is more important than ever because Patreon, the way that we get the overwhelming majority of our income, is making us change the way we charge our patrons.

Apparently, Apple is making them get rid of the variable per episode charging system, so we have to shift to a monthly system.

That means that starting in June, all our existing patrons are going to be shifted to a monthly charging rate commensurate with their per episode rate that they're paying now.

Patrons, look for an email with more details about that in the coming week.

But rest assured, the amount that you're charged every month is going to remain the same.

There's no need for you to adjust your pledge or change anything on your end.

And unlike before, you'll have the ability to choose what time of the month you'd like to be charged.

That being said, change scares people, and there's every reason to believe that this change is going to cost us a bunch of patrons.

So, new patrons have never been more important.

We're going to be announcing some fun goals for our annual patron-only pajama party extravaganzas soon, but you can help grease the wheels by signing up at patreon.com/slash scathing atheist or by increasing your pledge if you're already a patron.

And again, if you're already a patron, nothing will change until next month.

And whether you can become a patron or not, thanks for your support.

More than a dozen years ago, this podcast first introduced its listeners to the inimitable Eli Bosnik.

As he's fond of pointing out, he's the new guy, meaning that he didn't appear on this show until episode four.

That debut.

Eli, I thought you were going to do an oo-oo.

I got you.

I got you.

Uh-oh, for myself.

Yeah, right.

Now, that debut came on our episode of February 28th, 2013, titled Population Zero.

And the occasion that occasioned it was Eli's dark horse horse candidacy to take over the then-vacant papacy.

And if for no reason but to highlight just how far our audio quality has come since then, I brought a clip.

Some suggest that the conclave go bold.

After all, does the Pope have to be old?

Does he have to be European?

Hell, does he even have to be a Christian?

So in hopes that we can spur the conclave into taking a much-needed step in a new direction, we at the scathing atheists would like to throw our wholehearted endorsement behind a dark horse candidate for the papacy.

Eli Boznik isn't a cardinal, he isn't ordained, he isn't Catholic, he isn't Christian, and in fact recognizes fully that God is a convenient fairy tale fabricated by people who want to avoid work and still reap awards, which, in my mind, makes him the perfect candidate for the Vatican's top spot.

So, Eli, welcome to the show.

Hi, thank you.

Thank you so much for having me.

Now, to be fair, that wasn't my mic pointed at a desk.

That was us sharing a mic like the lady in the tramp.

Yes, yeah.

So, there you have it.

The podcast listening world's introduction to Eli Bosnik and the sound of Noah Noah thinking $95 was more than enough mixer for our needs.

But here we are, 12 years, three microphones, and one pope later, and the seat is once again vacant.

So our very own Eli Bosnik has decided to throw his miter into the ring once again.

So Eli, I want to start off with the same question I started with all those years ago.

Why do you want to be pope?

Well, Noah, As we learned from this last papacy and from my podcasting career since then, what i need is low standards i need only saying a slur occasionally to be considered radically liberal and i need i think you're good not actively participating in sex crimes to be one of the good ones so i feel like i'm really ready to fall into the position you know what i'm saying absolutely okay eli here's the thing it's not our audience that you need to convince it's the conclave right so how are you going to sell yourself to the cardinals who hold your fate in their magical pens I'm so glad you asked that question.

Heath, like so many this year, I'm recognizing that we have been running on the wrong issues.

Self-interest is out.

Bizarre self-destruction is in,

which is why I plan to introduce a simple message to Catholics, Conclave included.

Elect Eli Bosnik Pope, and I will personally kill you.

Oh, interesting.

Interesting.

I see.

I can see what you're ramping up there.

If they believe they're going to heaven, that should be a really big thing.

Right?

Interesting.

Okay, so last time, one of the places where I think your candidacy excelled was with its t-shirts and posters.

Do you have any new slogans this time around?

I do.

I do, keeping with the theme.

Eli Bosnik and else.

I've got a tour date shirt here.

These are the cities I will directly murder Catholics in if I'm elected.

And then there's this one.

It's me as the chicken jockey.

To be honest, I am not sure what that is a reference to, but marketing promises it is huge right now.

Oh, okay.

Maybe a topless non-masturbating.

I heard those are effective.

Oh, there you go.

That's the big one, too.

Yeah, that gets people talking.

So, Heath, I don't suppose you have any slogans to offer up here.

Oh, for Eli?

For Pope.

Okay, Eli Bosnik.

Sassine Pazun Pope.

Fantastic.

Start you off.

Eli Bosnik.

Uh-huh.

Giving you enough Pope to hang yourself.

Sure.

That's good.

He offered to kill them okay one more eli bosnick i can cure ross duthat's chronic lime disease

okay that's a real ross duthat really thinks he has chronic lime which is not not recognized by like the american medical association at all I enjoyed that.

Okay.

I didn't know that.

That's that rules.

Fuck that guy.

It fits so perfectly.

And he's a very prominent Catholic.

He's a very important Catholic in America, Ross Duthat.

Okay.

You're a great ally to me.

We're probably going to have to read a stupid book we just finished a book right as his stupid book came out oh we gotta read his book yes no i will i am i'll let bow out look like lucinda okay you haven't read the other ones either it's fine

that's true

i'm not reading the bullet points noah writes so i can pretend i wrote read rostett's book that's not unreasonable okay eli one of the major perks of the job of pope is of course infallibility can you tell us some of the ways you hope to abuse always being right no matter what, if you get the post?

I mean, again, I feel like I've been prepared for this via podcasting, right?

I'll just fill in my usual podcastiverse blanks with universe blanks, huh?

And then also, millions of people in Latin America will play along too.

Yeah, right.

I would say to look out for a papal declaration that it's neither here nor there in the near future if he does get the jump.

Cardinal the Puga Pegacorn, everybody.

Oh, there you go.

There you go.

So, okay, so

another perk of the papacy.

He's wearing a miter.

But it's got a hole for the horn.

It's got the hole for the horn, yeah.

So another perk of the papacy, of course, is that you control suddenly about one out of every six hospital bed in America, and you can just set arbitrary rules about what necessary medical care you will and won't provide now.

So any thoughts on how you'd like to use that power?

Yeah.

So obviously, the last couple hundred popes have really used this to focus on the control of women's bodies.

And it's a little old school for me.

I'll be targeting sickly children with my strong anti-ear tube and anti-tonsillectomy policies.

Nobody's getting any ice cream but me.

That's right there on the poster.

Interesting.

Okay, Eli, when you first ran for pope, you planned to call yourself Pope John Paul George so as not to fuck up the whole Beatles thing that Pope John John Paul had going.

Are you still going with that, or do you have any new thoughts on your Pope name?

Thank you, Heath.

It's a great question.

It's obvious the competition this year is fierce, and with competitors like Fridleon Ambogo, Mario Gretsch, Pietro Perolin, and of course, Pier Batista Pizzabala.

He is a pop baller, rooting for himself.

Pizza Balla.

It's obvious this is all coming down to one thing:

silliest name.

Oh, Oh.

Which is why, if I am elected pope, my name will be Pope Poo-Poo Peepy Wienerfarts.

Oh, okay.

All right.

So it's no secret that Catholicism is in decline around the world.

What would you do to make the religion more appealing to the younger generations?

Marketing assures me that if Pope Poopoo Peepy Wienerfarts is the chicken jockey,

that doesn't do it.

I don't know what is going to do it, man.

That's good.

That's fair.

That's fair.

Last gun and the bullet.

Okay, so

is that the way that

Francis is known as the woke pope because of his refusal to condemn gay people to hell for their simple existence?

That's

woke.

How are you going to take that title away from him?

Yeah, that one was tough.

As we know, Francis came under quite a bit of fire for almost kind of sort of saying not bigoted things one time, which is why I plan to approve of gay rights one

person

at a time.

That's right.

Alan Hanforth of Cranzford, Pennsylvania, you're allowed to be gay.

Diane Roboton of Rickett Creek, Tennessee, your divorce?

Fine.

It's long tail marketing here.

Okay.

Another question.

In terms of like safety and security, any plans for a meeting with Jance Dance Vance?

I would literally rather die.

As would we all.

Sure.

All right.

So last time we did this, you didn't know what a papal bull was.

I'm not going to lie.

I feel like that really hurt your candidacy, but you've had time to Google it since then.

So what kind of papal bulls can we expect from Pope Poo-Poo-Pee-Pee-Wienerfarts?

That's a great question, Noah.

I actually still didn't look up what a papal bull is in the intervening 10 years since you last asked me this question.

And so once again, I am going to guess, even though our show now uses a very well-written script.

It's not an energy drink.

I'm going to release a Pope crypto coin.

I'm going to call it the Pontifex.

And I think that should help the market.

No, I think it will.

I think it will.

The bull.

Okay, Eli.

How would your handling of the child rape epidemic differ from your predecessors?

Okay, we're talking about the controversial position that lost me the job the first time.

This was my first big misstep when I ran for Pope.

As you gentlemen, no doubt, remember, last time I ran on raping double the kids, and a lot of pundits at the time were pretty sure that hurt me.

But again,

keeping with the political times, now

I am promising that if I'm elected, the only kids to be raped will be brown ones.

Oh, God.

Yes.

What?

We will be rounding up all the kids, but we're only going to get the brown ones, we swear.

Cool, cool.

Let's lighten it up.

So, thank you.

As Pope, you'd control a good deal of Nazi gold.

Any plans for that?

Like, I don't know.

You could back meme coin with it.

Heath, please don't steal my joke from me.

I wrote this before you wrote your thing, but you added the thing before, and it was not even a good pun.

It's not how I remember it.

Should have been something about the flock chain, whatever.

I will kill you to help out pizza ball.

Okay, so, so, Eli, any planned changes to the papal costume?

No.

Okay.

Excellent answer.

All right.

So if you were Pope, what color suits would you make people wear to your funeral when you die?

Birthday.

All right.

That's two really solid answers in a row.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, that is the image we're going to have to close on.

Eli, good luck in your pursuit and conclave.

You can find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingads.com.

Before we return to the podcast of verse, I wanted to address a brewing controversy online.

A lot of people have noticed the recent absence of senior pets from the programs, and rumors have been circulating online that he's been working behind the scenes on behalf of the Trump administration to negotiate a deal with Turkey about the tariffs.

I want to assure everybody that is not the case.

And if you're new to the show, sometimes you've just got to, you've just got to go with it.

Anyway, that's all the blessing we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Show, The Skeptic, debuting at 7 Eastern on Monday, and an even new episode of our Sister Show's Hot Friend God Off Old Movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Show Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, the show wouldn't click into place if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the best, Eli Bosni for also being the best, and Lucinda Lusions for being even better than that.

I also want to thank Dorian for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

And if that trans-inclusive book about PMDD sounded interesting to you, be sure to check the show notes for a link to pick up a copy.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most industrious individuals sorry there's not a lot of complimentary words that start with ind as it turns out zach matthew and blunt forced llama wow that's so much shorter of a list than usual i wonder if there's something going on with the economy that's causing that so weird anyway zach matthew and llama have such impressive genitals that if we tried to make a bronze cast of them the bronze would come

Together, these three musketeers of mental magnificence managed to magnify our mellifluous mission against mendacious monotheists with money.

If you too still have money despite schmuck Laurent's economic policy, we'd love to have some of it.

You can also make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheists whereby I own early access to an extended average version of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheas.com.

And if you'd like to help but your 401k is busy vanishing so you can't do the money thing, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media and speaking to social media.

Tim Robertson handles that for us and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

And he would like me to make it very clear that he had nothing to do with the editing of that clip that I played you earlier when we first introduced Eli.

That was all me.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the content table on the contact page at scathingavious.com.

Is the writing implement.

Yeah.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

You may not know what they're saying,

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Individual results may vary.

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The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

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