632: Mere Cleared Edition

Today, on Hey Culligan, sustainability and better water.

Here, Sam.

Hey, Culligan, I'm really into sustainability: my clothes, my utensils, my food.

But how do I get more sustainability from my water?

Super question, Sam.

And the answer is an always-on drinking water system from Culligan, which helps eliminate the equivalent of 15 billion single-use plastic bottles a year.

Whoa, that's a ton of sustainability.

416,000 tons, Sam, and we're already on the way.

Let us help you out with a free in-home water test with the local Culligan water expert at Culligan.com.

Start your journey toward the perfect engagement ring with Yadav, family owned and operated since 1983.

We'll pair you with a dedicated expert for a personalized one-on-one experience.

You'll explore our curated selection of diamonds and gemstones while learning key characteristics to help you make a confident, informed decision.

Choose from our signature styles or opt for a fully custom design crafted around you.

Visit yadavjewelry.com and book your appointment today at our new Union Square showroom and mention podcast for an exclusive discount.

Warning, religion deserved to be cussed at again this week.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by BetterHelp stamps.com and by the couch co-op Hazelite is afraid to make about a Muslim lady and a Christian lady getting trapped together in one another's holy book, Split Crucifixion.

Split crucifixion.

I went a long way for a joke that most of the audience won't get, but I'm okay with that.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

I'm Matthew Austin, and this weekend I ran a marathon in Brighton.

I lost the ability to walk downstairs, a little bit of skin, two toenails, oh yeah, and £10,000 from the value of my pension thanks to Donald Trump's Roll66 for tariffs plan, which is proof that both he and I evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday.

It's April 10th.

And it's National Alcohol Screening Day.

Yep, got some right here.

There you go.

No illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnik.

I'm Heath Hen Wright.

And from Corey Booker's Urine-Soaked New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

Oh, this week's episode, Christians find the only thing harder to apologize for than God.

A church in England fires up Sunday morning raw.

And Corey Booker will point out that it was urine-soaked when he got it.

But first, the diatribe.

Oh my fucking God, they didn't resurrect a fucking dire wolf.

I know, I want it to be true too.

Huge-ass prehistoric wolf would be cool all on its own, even before you tack on all the proof of concept coolness that would go with it.

But that isn't what happened.

No matter how many sensationalist headlines say otherwise, what did happen is that on Monday, a company called Colossal Biosciences revealed that they'd ever so slightly tweaked Grey Wolves' DNA so that they would look like dire wolves.

Or sorry,

we don't know what the fuck dire wolves look like, so I guess it would be more accurate to say that they tweaked the DNA of gray wolves so that they would look like the CGI wolves from Game of Thrones.

So once they had their GMO wolves, they kept them secret, right?

You know, like scientists do, until Monday when they did this big reveal where they introduced the world to Romulus, Remus, and Khaleesi, three several-month-old pups.

Or actually, sorry, I guess they didn't introduce them to the world so much as just Time and the New Yorker who were given a co-exclusive on the story, you know, like scientists do.

So anyway, both news outlets wrote predictably credulous pieces about how the dire wolf was back, baby.

And those were, as was the intent of colossal bioscientists, no doubt, shared so widely on social media over the next 24 hours that anybody who dared to stick their head up and point out that they didn't actually do the thing they're claiming to have done was treated like they just snatched away the fucking candy bowl.

But it's damn important that we make a distinction here, right?

When they say they resurrected a dire wolf, everybody doubtless assumes that they did some fucking, they found some ancient DNA and some amber or whatever from this thousands year extinct breed of wolf, and then they Jurassic parked it back together again.

And if they'd done that, then at least we could have used those pups to answer questions about what dire wolves looked like, right, and how they behaved.

Granted, a clone would be an imperfect way to tackle those questions, but it would be, you know, better than any data that we currently have.

But the thing that they've created could actually lead us to understand less about dire wolves.

See, apparently there's a genetic analysis that was published in Nature a few years back that suggested the dire wolf might not even be a wolf.

It might be a distant cousin that split from wolves over 5 million years ago.

Now that study suggested it would be more closely related to an African jackal than a gray wolf and that it would have had like a reddish color and looked like a giant coyote.

Now Colossal Bioengineering disputes that.

Their lead geneticist says that according to her team's analysis, dire wolves shared 99.5% of the DNA that they had with gray wolves and that the two species only diverged about 2.6 million years ago.

But her team's analysis, it's worth emphasizing, isn't published any fucking where and thus isn't subject to peer review.

So we'll just have to take her word on it that her science, which contradicts the published science, just happened to show that the most accurate way to resurrect a dire wolf was also the least challenging and least expensive.

And obviously, look, bad science reporting isn't unique or new, and companies overselling their achievements isn't unique or new.

So by itself, this story might have just been a headline.

But when I saw some of the pushback against people trying to correct the record, I was whipped into diatribe levels of rage over it because I saw people on our side, right, ostensibly on our side, shitting on the corrections for dampening people's wonder in science.

The implication being, I guess, that anything that gets people excited about science is good, even if the thing is bullshit.

I shouldn't have to say why that's wrong.

And to be fair, I probably don't have to tell you why it's wrong.

But holy fucking shit is that a dangerous attitude to have.

I mean, I guarantee you that this is going to become a go-to now for everybody speaking out against conservationism, right?

Like, why are we bothering to save these stupid fucking owls?

If we can resurrect a dire wolf, surely we can bring back an owl that just died out last month, right?

That's the kind of bullshit we're inviting when we play along with this.

But even worse, just the idea that lies are okay if they advance the cause we support puts us in dangerous, almost religious territory.

Science can stand on its own.

When your thing actually works, you don't need to dress it up in a bunch of bullshit.

And sure, look, I'm as depressed as the next person at how little enthusiasm our culture has for science.

But that's a problem with our culture, not with science.

They're talking about your Jesus.

The interrupt is broadcast and bring you a special news.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the solid and gas to my liquid, Heath Enright, and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to state what matters?

Okay, Eli really needs to make a fart joke like so bad.

I'm going to seed my time.

He can't hold it.

Thank you because I am not a gas.

I'm just filled with it.

Yeah, I know if you were a gas, it wouldn't make any noise on the way out.

Speaking of which, that's why we need to take a a quick break.

So we're going to toss things over to word from our first sponsor this week, BetterHelp.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Hey, man, you feeling better yet?

What?

You want me to lie?

Hey, did one of you guys take out a radio ad for a beauty pageant for snakes?

Yeah, sorry.

That was me.

It was a Twitter fight.

Sure.

Hey, what are you guys doing anyway?

Oh, Eli's giving me his precious, precious lifeblood.

Why?

What's wrong with yours?

Oh, nothing.

But this, I don't know, feels nice.

Right.

And by giving to others, I am worthy of love.

No illusions.

That's important.

Eli, that's not a super healthy mindset to have.

Have you considered talking about it in therapy?

Therapy?

For stronger and healthier boundaries?

I thought therapy was just for people who went...

Therapy is great for whatever you have on your mind, from simple everyday stress stress to coping with life's big moments.

I don't know, guys.

Isn't therapy super expensive?

It's true.

Traditional in-person therapy can cost anywhere from $100 to $250 per session, which adds up fast.

But with BetterHelp Online Therapy, you can save on average up to 50% per session.

Well, how do they do that?

With BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and on time.

And it's convenient, too.

You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life.

Plus, switch therapists at any time.

So no awkward therapist breakups?

No awkward therapist breakups.

Your well-being is worth it.

Visit betterhelp.com slash scathing to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com slash scathing.

All right, guys.

Thanks.

You know what, Heath?

Get your own blood.

Yeah, okay.

Fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I'm about to knock someone's socks off with the world's sexiest snake.

Are you?

Well, first I'm going to lie down and then I'm going to do this.

Yeah, Yeah.

And now back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, Donald Trump ensured that April 1st would be the least foolish day of the month last Wednesday when he decided to set the global economy on fire in a snit by still refusing to know what a fucking tariff is.

Now, his administration has backed away and they've offered justifications here that are as vociferous as they are contradictory.

Can't be a bargaining ship and a two-year plan, folks.

No, it can't.

Which has left unofficial surrogates in a bit of a bind.

And since the Venn diagram of unofficial Trump surrogates and scathing atheists most wanted is a near circle with a little, you know, a couple toenails hanging off either side, I thought I'd take this chance to highlight a few of my favorites.

Also worth noting, either option by itself doesn't work.

Like, the tariffs aren't working very well as a bargaining ship, and they can't be a two-year plan either by itself or a four-year plan, really.

Companies can't just like put up a factory in Ohio like it's a Sims game.

That's not how it works.

Right.

And even if they did, when the tariffs come off in two years or four years, now they have a factory.

They want to move somewhere else.

When you're playing Monopoly with a board flipper, you just don't play Monopoly for a while.

Yep.

And the world economy goes nowhere but down.

Exactly.

Right, which is what we're seeing.

So, okay.

So we're going to start off with Christian historiologist Tim Barton, who looked for justification for Trump's tariffs in the Bible.

Specifically, he cites the story in Matthew where Jesus doesn't want to pay the temple tax, so he sends Peter to go catch a fish that swallowed a four drachma coin.

Smart.

The justification is just as nutty as the fucking story.

Jesus basically says, I shouldn't have to pay this tax because the holy temple is my dad's house and the king doesn't charge his kid taxes.

So in the story, Jesus asks, from whom do the kings of the earth collect duties and taxes, from their own children or from others?

So Barton's like, he's using that.

He's going, see, others, like China and them penguins that are going to pay the tariffs, others.

Ah, yes.

The parable of Jesus Christ and 19th century British economist David Ricardo and the concept of comparative advantage.

Apparently, God did badly on that problem set for Ethan 101.

In the analogy, the tax from the king is the concept of trade imbalance, which doesn't matter per se.

And Jesus thinks the king should be selling more exports to his own kids.

What the fuck does that mean?

Okay, but you guys know there is no shot someone in the White House hasn't suggested catching a fish and checking its mouth for coins, right?

There's no shot it hasn't happened.

There's a jar at this point in the fucking Oval Office where you have to put it a die.

Miracle jar.

Right, right.

But Barton's nonsense was downright erudite compared to the podcast we got from former relevant person and man convinced that if his clothes are baggy enough, we'll assume he's spelt down there somewhere.

Glenn Beck.

Okay, my jingo jeans looked great in the 90s.

He looks like the guy from that Stephen King movie, Thinner, is like trying to make it work.

Yeah, yeah.

So he did a podcast interview with the president of the Heritage Foundation where they basically resorted to the assumption that Trump's genius negotiator brain just knows something the rest of us can't comprehend.

Quote, he's the best negotiator I've ever seen.

He's a businessman.

And he's the first president since Reagan that I actually trust loves America as much as me.

And then somehow still speaking legibly with Trump's dick in his mouth to that depth, he added, quote, I think we have to let the chef cook the meal.

End quote.

I'm sorry.

His literal answer was, let him cook?

Yes.

Well, it was like,

would you like to borrow neither here nor there?

I have extra.

I can loan you neither here nor there.

And now we're doing the filet of fish of economic policy.

Well-done steak with ketchup of economics with a gold coin in the fish or something.

I don't know.

Yeah.

So, okay, but my favorite response comes from Family Research Council president and professional cartoon Gator operator Tony Perkins, who is interviewing a guy on his YouTube show who's supposedly a market expert.

He goes on Fox News, I guess, and shit like that.

And Perkins floats the idea that maybe Wall Street is tanking on purpose just to make Trump look bad.

What?

And well, yeah, it's especially amazing because he asks this guy this question and he's like, He's like, you know, is it possible that Wall Street is just fucking with Trump?

And the guy he's interviewing waits exactly zero seconds and he goes, No.

And

he goes on to explain why, but there's like not even a conciliatory, well, that's a great question, Tony.

Just a straight-up no, and then why.

Hey, Tony, do you think Wall Street is a guy?

Right.

Just like a guy, like Wallace Street.

So there you have it.

The people who spend their days casually affirming the existence of a transdimensional, omni-temporal, universe-creating, gay-hating wizard and his selectively corporeal son sidekick are at a fucking loss when it comes to convincing people these tariffs are a good idea.

Our best hope now, guys, is that we die in the war he starts before we need the retirement account he's wiping out.

Fair enough.

And in criticless thinking news, when you look around at America today, it's obvious that one of the skills we should be teaching in the classroom is critical thinking.

In a world where the people in power are the ones pushing lies and bullshit, skeptical reasoned thinking has never been more important.

And so, when I heard that a Minnesota lawmaker had introduced a new bill to advance critical thinking in the classroom, I was delighted.

really that is until i read it and uh spoiler alert it it's christian bullshit okay so biology

what if it's not you're right

that is what it is well in one sense of the word christian is the most critical of all the thinking so there's that

right so first off i want to thank hebbot metta over at the friendly atheist blog for gently laying this story in our inbox at scathingnews at gmail.com if you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, we'll give you an honorary doctorate from the scathing atheist College of Critical Thinking.

Applicable and as useful as any degree given out at Bob Jones University.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Yeah, and bonus, unlike BJU, we let you date black people if you want to.

We do.

I want to call our school BJU too, though.

Exactly.

It's because of the extracurriculars.

Right.

So let's get to that bill.

Proposed by state senator and man who looks like he got a face transplant from an English Bulldog, Glenn H.

Gruhagen.

English Bulldogs everywhere pulling out their headphones.

Ridiculous.

The bill begins, quote, to advance critical thinking skills in history and science, a school district must provide instruction to students in grades 9 to 12, exploring the contrast between the scientific facts on how sickness, disease, pain, suffering, and death relate to the existence of complex living organisms.

And I know what you're thinking.

So far, so good.

But let's continue the quote.

And how sickness, disease, pain, suffering, and death are a consequence imposed by the creator of the complex living organisms.

And quote, that's right, folks.

It's not a bill about critical thinking at all.

It's about not just the existence of God, but apparently his wrath in the form of biological warfare.

Not sure why I expected better.

Okay, maybe it's the solution of evil.

Let's think who is that.

Okay, so I take myself as something of an expert in religious bullshit forensics.

So here's my take on how we got here.

This guy's atheist niece ripped him a new asshole in an argument about the problem of evil.

And in the shower the next day, he thought, wow, you know, the kids these days, they just

don't seem to understand why babies dying slowly of leukemia is a good thing.

I blame the schools.

I want teachers to have that fight with my niece.

Right.

And in Beatitude Adjustment News, we're about to get the first ever millennial saint, and the Catholic world is all a Twitter.

I believe it's all a X now.

I actually wrote that and then deleted it.

I was like, I don't know.

Eli's more of a characters guy.

He's not going to like the wordplay.

Oh, how dare you?

How dare you?

That's the most clever thing I wrote this week.

So pilgrims.

are flocking to Italy to visit the shrine of Carlo Acutis in Assisi, where his magical corpse is on display, wearing sneakers, jeans, and a sweatshirt.

And of course, he has a silicone mask over his dead face, so it's not weird, you know?

It's not weird, it's normal.

But meanwhile, something sinister might be happening.

People are selling relics of the almost Saint Carlo, including locks of his hair.

And the Catholic Church has demanded swift action by Italian law enforcement because this is very serious and not at all stupid.

We are serious.

Honestly, bathwater would be more time-appropriate.

Are they taking suggestions or is this more of a...

Yeah, no, the people that are using this kid's actual corpse to sell a religion that demands 10% of their money forever, they don't want anybody profiting off this tragedy.

That would be gross.

And a big thanks to StormyD for sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Stormy is dominating the field by sending consistently great stories.

And although we often grant very strange prizes today, it's just the pride of quality research.

Stormy does it for the love of the game, not in it for the possum nipples.

They also suggested the brilliant mirage sale for the opening pun.

Beatitude adjustment is better, but only by a little bit.

Only a little.

Just saying, Stormy, carefully placed poison in Heath's drink and we'll come and knock.

Okay, we said no encouraging people to poison me.

Yep, it's true.

We had a whole meeting.

There were lawyers present.

It's true.

We did never worry.

So here's the big controversy.

Catholics often pray for the intercession of saints, using relics as magical items to help make that happen.

Carlo actually achieved one of his two miracles by, well, dying in 2006,

waiting for at least five years as required and probationary period, doing nothing miraculous because it wouldn't count during that phase, and then curing the pancreas of a little kid in 2013 via relic-based intercession.

The relics are usually small parts of the saint's body or clothing, and the sale of these relics is strictly forbidden.

But somehow, an evil profiteer got a hold of some locks of Carlo's hair, and they were selling online for more than $2,200 each.

She's, hey, Catholics.

I also have hair that you don't know isn't his, and mine is half that price.

Yeah, I promise you, my hair is way more rare than this dead teen either

think of the investment catalyst

back hair i mean it depends on which hair we're talking about

so the big issue for the catholic church is the idea of people making money off a dead kid in completely unrelated other news if you're looking for a vacation spot check out beautiful assisi italy a great tourist destination with amazing

gift shops mostly.

I put a couple photos of some great little trinkets in the notes if anyone's curious.

Over a million people have come to visit Carlo over the last year.

He's not even a saint yet.

Okay, listeners, one of the pictures Heath posted is damn near like a chess set where one side is all Carlo Acutis, little statuettes, and the other side is all leukemia.

It's like it's whatever one rung lower on the ladder than that is.

It's blood cancer on the right.

I think it's blood cancer on the right to start the board, right?

It's like an entire sip and spin ceramics class decided to do what they imagine Mark Ruffalo looked like as a teenager.

So at this point, you're probably wondering, okay, if I'm harvesting pieces of a dead child who might get saved,

which pieces are the most fun?

I was wondering that.

Thank you, Heathen, right?

According to Catholic doctrine, the relics have different classes.

A lock of hair, that's not bad.

But the really good stuff is the internal organs.

Oh, my God.

For example, the Vatican made sure to chop out Carlos' heart and get the pericardium membrane from around the heart so they could do some of the highest level magic spells with it.

But keep in mind, the spells don't always work.

According to the top bishop in Assisi, who's in charge of that pericardium, quote, it's not something magic.

It's not something that works automatically.

It works through faith.

If it works, it would be something magic regardless.

What a weird, like, okay, so don't get your hopes up too much.

At best, we're going to do medium pericardia rituals.

Why are you hedging it?

Man, I bet it was a roller coaster of emotions the day Carlos' parents found out their son was being sainted, and then a 70-year-old virgin sawed his heart out of his chest.

Sure.

Real up and down kind of day.

Weird day.

And lest we come away from the story without internalizing just how serious this is.

Before we wrap it up, I want to mention the words of the Reverend Enzo Fortunato, who leads the Vatican's World Children's Day Committee and has a lock of Carlos' hair at his chapel.

According to Reverend Enzo, quote, selling saint hair is not just despicable, it's also a sin, end quote.

So very, very serious.

But more importantly, if one of the characters in a crime story is a Catholic priest who leads an event for the Vatican called World Children's Day, and that priest owns a lock of hair from a dead child, that's the bad guy.

That's the bad guy.

Yes, send over Marishka.

And

Diet Coke, no ice.

There you go.

That is so cool.

Hey, guys, have you seen my.

Oh my God, Heath, what did you do to your body?

You like it?

I'm all elastic.

It's

something.

How?

Oh, we borrowed the superpower gun from Citation Needed?

Really?

Because I feel like we're a little more constrained to physical reality over here.

I don't feel like that's a wool dash or mezzo.

But fine, fine.

Why are you like this?

Flexibility, Noah.

It's an important part of every workplace.

For instance, I just got Eli a Diet Coke from the Bodega down the block using my elasticity.

It's true, he did.

But guys, if you want flexibility in your workplace, why don't you just try stamps.com?

What's stamps.com?

Damn it, Wolf.

Don't blame me.

Eli summoned me.

He said my name.

I was making a point.

Yeah, well, I'm here now.

With stamps.com, tedious tasks like sending certified mail, invoices, checks, or documents and packages can be done on your time, not somebody else's.

Stamps.com simplifies your postage needs and adds valuable flexibility back into your workday.

That sounds great.

But that's not all.

With stamps.com, you get rates you won't see anywhere else, like up to 88% off USPS and UPS.

All right, Noah.

I'm sold.

Where do I sign up?

Have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com.

Sign up at stamps.com and use the code scathing for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale.

No long-term commitments or contracts.

Just go to stamps.com, code scathing.

Nice.

So, well,

guess you can take off now.

Eat a dick, Keith.

Hey, don't swear in the stamps.com ad.

They said we could.

You're pushing it.

You're pushing it.

I hate you.

And in putting the OI in avoidance news tonight, the overtly strict libel laws in the UK make it very difficult for UK-based media to call something a scam, even when it's very clearly a scam.

But luckily, we're not UK-based media.

So there's a scam I want to tell you about.

It's from a company called Faithful Global.

Guess what kind of business they're in?

If you said con artistry, you are correct.

But if you said religion, you're more specifically correct.

And as will surprise nobody, they run a tax avoidance scheme wherein they help landlords pretend their vacant properties are being used by religious groups in order to lower their tax burden.

Yeah, because Lord knows if there's anything wrong with Britain's pubs, it's that they are too well maintained and they pay too many taxes.

Yes, exactly.

Okay, listen, energy prices are crazy right now.

You want a hot cauldron of beer or not?

So with a quick thanks to Carl for sending this story to scathingnews at gmail.com and a quick apology to Marsh for not saving this for a week when he was here, I should explain the scheme.

So if you're a landlord in the UK and you have a vacant property, you have six months to lease it out before you have to start paying business taxes on it.

But you can lower or in some cases even eliminate those taxes if you make the space available at no charge to charities or religious organizations in the meantime.

And you can sort of see the good intentions that are getting fucked to death by the current situation because what landlords quickly learned is that you could just pretend to make the spaces available, never actually do it, and still get the tax advantage.

Okay, so we just start throwing satanic events in these busted up boxes.

Oh, there you go.

Free live show, anybody?

God of the movies live from the Bull and Spectacles Cathedral.

Yes, the cathedral room, yes.

Now, so it's, it's not quite as simple as just ticking a box on your taxes that says, yeah, nobody asked again this year, but I totally would have let them use my warehouse for Jesus if they had.

And that's where Faithful Global comes in.

So as a landlord, you temporarily lease the property to them at no charge, and then they sublease it

to themselves, but a different company of themselves.

And that company is religious wink.

So now your space is being used by a religious organization.

And to give this whole thing a patina of legitimacy, Faithful Global has a website that lists all the properties they have available.

If you're in a like, I need a temporary church situation.

But many of those properties are fucking boarded up.

They have no electricity.

They're completely filled with old boxes and shit.

And also, when the observer reached out pretending to be a religious group in need of space, nobody got back to them.

But when they reached out pretending to be landlords looking for tax avoidance, why they got a return message pretty fucking quick.

Okay.

To be fair, if a religious organization called me for a handout, I would ghost them as well.

So maybe they're just on our team.

Yeah, right now.

But we're not getting a tax break for pretending otherwise.

So yeah, so this is just another example of billions of dollars, or pounds, I guess, in this case, being siphoned away from the public good in the name of the public good.

And this is what happens every goddamn time you carve out exemptions for religion.

And in black and proud news.

We have a reputation for being a little hard on places of worship here on the scathing atheist.

And I'll admit, the enabling of fascism, the racism, the sexism, the tax dodging, and the child rape stick in our craw ever so slightly.

So we tend not to spend a lot of time on the good that these institutions do.

Well, this week, that's all about to change because the historic Metropolitan African Methodist Episcopal Church in Washington, D.C.

just won the Proud Boys logo and trademark in a lawsuit.

Fantastic.

And are now using it to raise money for exactly the the kind of causes the Brown Boys hate.

Sure, like anti-fascism signs with ripstop technology,

kryptonite of the Brown Boys.

Boy, well, that and the location tracking on their phones.

But yeah, those

same.

So here's the story.

After a pro-Donald Trump rally in December of 2020, the Proud Boys destroyed Black Lives Matter signs at two historically black churches, one of them being Metropolitan AME.

In 2023, a judge awarded the church $2.3 million in damages.

Now, as will surprise nobody listening to this podcast, the Proud Boys do not have $2.3 million.

So in February, after they didn't pay up, the court gave the church use of the group's name and symbols, which means that now not only can the church seize any money the Proud Boys make through merch sales, but they can also produce their own merch.

with the Proud Boys logo.

That's great stuff.

And the Proud Boys former leader, I guess, Enrique Tario, thought he could foil the church with one simple trick by changing the Proud Boys' name to African Methodist Episcopal Boys.

And then somebody explained, yeah, man, that's that's nothing.

There's something

also.

Now you owe them that too.

Yeah, right.

So the church's website currently features a look-alike t-shirt that says stay black and proud.

And they've announced that they'll be putting out shirts for both Pride Month and Juneteenth as well.

Oh, lovely.

But of course, as hilarious and amazing as all of this is, it puts us, dear listener, in a very difficult position.

Because while I definitely want to support an awesome prank war against racists, I really don't want to give my money to a church or own something with a Proud Boys logo.

Right.

So

perhaps I'm going to keep my support to applause and Heath points for now.

Sure.

Sure.

Okay.

Well, so, but like, I don't want to buy Proud Boys merch, but I'm damn tempted to help them sell it now.

Like, I feel like as long as I haven't heard this fucking story, I could just go door to door in my neighborhood and sell that shit, and that'd be awesome.

And finally, tonight, in Beatitude Era news,

we have a story about a house of worship in England called Wrestling Church.

Oh, the fuck we do.

And yes, it's a Christian church with a WWE theme.

So here's the exact words from the beginning of the AP News article.

Quote, sitting around a wrestling ring, churchgoers roared as local hero Billy O'Keefe body slammed a fighter named Disciple.

Beneath stained glass windows, they whooped and cheered as burly, tattooed wrestlers tumbled into the aisle during a six-man tag team battle.

This is wrestling church.

And to be fair, it is demonstrably the best church till they come up with Consenting Adults Blowjob Church.

Hey, guys, what if we combine both the source of your homosexual repression and its outcome?

Okay, so here's the origin story of Wrestling Church.

It was founded by Gareth Thompson, a 37-year-old from Shipley, who says he's been saved by pro-wrestling.

And also Jesus Christ, the son of God, or fucking whatever.

And he wants other people to have that same amazing experience that he had.

Plus, he had a very important realization.

The absurd characters and scripted morality plays of pro wrestling are just like the Bible.

According to Gareth, quote, boil it down to the basics, it's good versus evil.

When I became Christian, I started seeing the wrestling world through a Christian lens.

I started seeing David and Goliath.

I started seeing Cain and Abel.

I started seeing Esau having his heritage stolen from him.

And I'm like, we could tell these stories.

End quote.

And honestly, since a bunch of these have already been reduced to weirdly homoerotic coloring book pages for preschoolers, what harm could it do?

I love that.

There's

wrestling in the Bible, and he left all of that out.

I love it.

I want to see his wrestling retelling of David's foreskin scavenger hunt is what I was saying.

Yeah, come on.

A hell of a finishing move right there.

Right.

So good.

So you might be thinking at this point, wow, Kayfabe wrestling and the Bible are a good match for each other, I guess.

Good way for Christian people.

Well, that's because fucking, shut up.

Shut up.

You got to yes and the Christianity or it won't work.

And Gareth made sure to explain that he already thought of that right in your atheist face.

According to Gareth, quote, People say, oh, wrestling and Christianity, they're two fake things in a fake world of their own existence.

If you don't believe in it, of course you'll think that.

But my own personal experience of my Christian faith is that it's alive and living.

Two different things.

And it's true.

The wrestling world, if you really believe in it, you believe it's true and you can suspend your disbelief.

End quote.

Ah, shit.

I almost spelled out that using my logic would cause one to believe wrestling isn't real, didn't I?

Good thing I caught myself.

Close one.

I got it.

Okay, but I was going to say Christianity and wrestling go together because they're both violent, simplistic, and absurdly expensive how what what is the

apologetic to that

and if ever you were going to check out the links in the show notes today is the day the ap article includes a large collection of delightful photos of wrestling church in action along with a highlights video 10 of 10 i highly recommend The most interesting photo, though, that I was not expecting was a shot from their Wrestling Church bookshelf.

Oh yeah, they have a bookshelf.

They have a row of miniature wrestling belts along the bottom of the shelf.

And the book titles on the shelf include Why Men Hate Going to Church?

Why Do People Suffer?

Is God a Moral Monster?

And Suicide Squad, the official movie novelization.

Wait, I'm sorry.

That's a novelization of a movie of a comic?

We should, guys, we should write a song about a video game about that and see if we can make a black hole.

There is a video game.

We can, yeah, this is all coming together.

And of course, they have an important book for any pro-wrestling Anglican pastor called Sometimes I Feel, dot, dot, dot, a menagerie of feelings big and small by Sarah Maycock.

According to Goodreads, It's a book that explores our feelings through a collection of animal similes and poetic prose.

What?

Imagined with sublime illustrations that perfectly embody each emotion.

Even a big bear can feel small sometimes, and even a mouse can find the inner courage to stand tall.

So I guess I'm glad they're getting in touch with their feelings, you know, like bears and mice.

Healthy.

Yes.

Well, no.

Before we close it out, we are obviously going to need 10 seconds on the clock.

What's the name of your wrestling church persona, fellas?

Jews for squeezes?

Oh, nice.

The croc.

The people's chimp.

I love it.

I'm going with Atheist Teal,

Bertrand Rassell.

How dare you?

And with yet another backup career sorted out, we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Amazing Randy Savage.

And when we come back, we'll finally reach the point where C.S.

Lewis shuts the fuck

Ah, God, I hope so.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Where can we get there?

In January of 2024, on episode 570 of this show, we set out to read Christianity's most famous book of apologetics, C.S.

Lewis's Mirror Christianity.

And despite it being a tiny little book that one could easily finish in a weekend, we've been at this motherfucker for like 15 15 months because with each new chapter, we have to summon the Herculean willpower to keep reading this fucking book, but no more.

We will be polishing it off this week that with the final four chapters.

So fellas, will you miss C.S.?

I am going to miss him.

He's so delightfully bad at his fucking job.

It's a good one.

Oh, see, now I need some case for miracles to cleanse the palate.

You know what I'm saying?

All right.

All right.

So, okay.

So we're going to rejoin Clive with chapter eight.

Is Christianity hard or easy?

And he starts off by like trying to lower expectations, right?

He's like, remember that bit about how you just pretend until it seems real?

That is genuinely all we've got.

Okay.

It's not getting better than that.

Very first sentence of the chapter.

You got to dress up like the son of God.

So like, just a reminder, if you're making fun of my book, outfit stuff was a good through line.

You can keep doing that if you want.

that was something i came to a lot yeah and and we're like so okay so wait the whole thing is just be good and he's like no it's not it's different than in subtle ways

i can see how i may have spent a book that can most generously be interpreted to mean follow your conscience but i think you'll find i spent quite a few chapters yelling about how your consciousness was really the manifestation of a carpenter who sacrificed himself to himself for a time you don't follow your conscience Yes.

I also had some do-over chapters.

Those were

do-overs.

Yeah.

I called backsies.

I feel like you're counting the chapters I called backseas.

But he explains here that just being moral means that you're going to be unhappy all the time because of all the murder and rape that you wish you could commit if you weren't so moral.

What?

CS gets me.

Dude, stop telling us about your insane journey to Christianity, C.S.

Yeah.

If that journey included, man, I am not getting to do any murder rapes.

This fucking, don't write that down if that's part of the journey.

Write it down.

Don't tell people.

Well, so he actually warns that without Christianity, you might be in danger of making a murder of yourself based on your ethical behavior.

He says you'll end up being a good person, but all, you know, discontented and grumbly, always wondering why others don't notice it more.

Those are exact words.

Like, I've been not doing orgies of sexual violence and I'm getting no credit.

Fucking gaw.

Stop telling your story if that's your story.

Right.

But in answer to the chapter title question, he says that being Christian is both hard and easy.

It's hard to do, but easy once it's done.

And I'm like, that's so fucking stupid.

All tasks are easy when they're done, man.

Okay.

Here's the thing.

The only way that sentence makes sense is in the context of making yourself believe Christianity, right?

You might as well be saying cognitive dissonance actually feels quite pleasant when you're in that guy.

The moral outrage is really.

Yeah, he even adds that being grumbly and good makes you even more obnoxious than a happy abuser, which is insane.

Like, I believe that's true about CS, maybe, but it's not very helpful.

And then he goes, he's like, you know, if that analogy doesn't do it, how about this one?

Like, dude, if you don't think your analogy does it, erases start over.

It was the war.

Typewriter ribbon was needed to defeat Hitler.

Analogies are like a square peg and a lawnmower gasket.

You just keep trying.

You got to keep trying.

Works out.

And also, so maybe I'm just hedonistic, but

I'm not plagued by desires to do immoral shit.

Rude.

Right.

Like, that might be because I'm the kind of guy that just takes a week off of work to play a new Zelda game.

You know, maybe I'm what he's warning that you might become, but I don't have that.

Honestly, I speak on behalf of the company company when I say we're all just glad you have one vacation that wasn't based on a medical emergency.

No illusions.

I went to the Grand Canyon.

That's true.

That one time.

Yeah.

So heart attack on the way back.

But then he goes, he's like, you know how when you first wake up and you immediately have to start repressing all your true desires and wish that you had anyone's life but your own?

Dude, what?

Christianity helps with that.

I'd like to switch to a different subway car than the one the book is in.

Rice.

Just C.S.

Lewis doing a sun salutation in the morning, being like, murder!

Murder!

Okay, downward dog, murder, murder, murder.

Okay, just have some fruit loops after this.

Yes, I'm calm.

Okay, here's an actual quote from the book.

May I come back to what I said before?

It's your fucking book, Clive.

You can go anywhere you want.

Also, can I say no?

Yeah, right.

Stop it.

Shut the book.

So I guess it's finally time to answer yet now, right?

Because the next chapter, chapter nine, is titled Counting the Cost.

Some people think God's standards are too high, he tells us, just because it's literally impossible to achieve them.

But C.S.

explains that, no, look, it's like when God said, be ye perfect, he didn't, he didn't mean it, mean it.

So anyway, here's why Christianity is the enemy of the good.

Right.

You know how your teeth start rotting when you're a kid?

That's God.

He's got his long dentist analogy.

He gives some examples of sins that you might be ashamed of, and he immediately jumps to masturbation and physical cowardice.

Weird pics.

Also, I know that it's a war and that this was partially propaganda as a book, but cowardice isn't a sin, C.S.

Pick a real sin, man.

Also, he just said that God is a dentist.

So now we're talking about a masturbation dentist.

It's really confusing.

It's confusing to you.

Maybe try the egg thing again.

He's talking about how God is proud of our first baby steps, right?

But he demands more as we grow.

But as he's doing this, he accidentally slips into how disappointed our fathers would be if our adult walks weren't manly enough.

And I'm like, dude, I want to hug you so bad right now.

Really?

He talks a lot about his unrelenting desire to murder and rape.

Oh, well, no, that's true.

Yeah, right, right.

So I want someone to have hugged you.

But then he explains that God is like someone that you invited to your home that just won't fucking leave no matter what you do.

Okay.

Exact words from Jesus Christ, according to C.S.

Lewis.

Quote, whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs me, I will never rest, nor let you rest until you are literally.

perfect until my father can say without reservation that he is well pleased with with you, as he said he was well pleased with me.

I will not do anything less.

That's the guy at the dinner party who won't leave.

Like,

dessert was really good.

Now we're going to, we're going to crucify ourselves.

All right.

Stop, stop yawning.

Stop slapping your legs.

I'm not leaving until we crucify ourselves right now.

We also learned that God has a no normies policy.

Okay.

I did realize when Noah wrote that in her notes that my no-notes from normies policy is essentially divine command theory where I am God.

Isn't it though?

But the weirdest part about that realization is that I'm sticking to it.

Oh, really?

That's the thing that's, that's, that's what surprised me.

I don't think that's weird at all.

Okay, thank you.

Nope.

And then he goes,

and then he goes, he goes like, okay, so imagine you're a living house and God is rebuilding you.

And guys, as terrible as that analogy is, he had to borrow it, right?

He cites who he got this right.

He couldn't come up with like, it's like a living house screaming at the pain of a remodel all by himself.

In the words of the great philosopher, Private Wilhelm.

Christianity's like that.

Yeah, no, exactly.

Not dead, but I'm very badly burned.

Yeah.

So, but God is like a repairman that you hire to fix your leaky roof, right?

Who then

rebuilds your house into a palace that he moves into.

He presents that.

I'm like, ma'am, that is not as cozy sounding as you seem to think that it is.

Right.

And especially when you consider that by hire, you mean grew up your entire life being told you had to let this guy fix your house because it was broken by a lady who ate an apple a couple thousand years ago.

It's uh-huh.

It's tricky.

So, and now it's time for us to face our choice with chapter 10: nice people

or new men.

And we're going to spend this chapter tackling the very important question, if Christianity is true and is, as he claims, a path to morality, why aren't Christians nicer than non-Christians?

Which is a great fucking question.

So he's like, okay, so first of all, no true Scotsmen.

Yeah.

Some of my best friends are morally perfect.

Yeah, he explains that fake Scotsmen fuck up the brand.

And then he remembers about a wartime poster that said, careless talk costs lives.

And he also remembers that everything is automatically profound if you flip the words around.

That's true.

That's what they say.

So he smashes that into the book, even though it's complete nonsense.

He says, it's equally true that careless lives

cost talk.

What?

Because

careless lives by bad Christians set the outer world talking.

Talk switched it.

And yes, bad Christians are helping Nazis like right now, but that's not what he meant.

Right.

Yeah.

And this is where we possibly get my favorite quote of the whole fucking book, right?

He's trying to answer this question.

And he goes, he says, quote, there are people in other religions who are being led by God's secret influence to concentrate on those parts of their religion which are in agreement with Christianity and who thus belong to Christ without knowing it.

Yeah.

He says the pagans who were nice were actually just, you know, channeling the wisdom of a future baby that got zapped into a 12-year-old.

My God, like, like when Jesus plagiarized future Muhammad, just like that.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Your religion and existence are a trap, you see, to get other people to my religion.

Quite the claim, C.S.

Lewis.

Yes.

You remember when Michelle Obama copied her speech from Future Melania?

Yeah, yeah.

He also explains that some people are born with more genetic assholery than others, so it's no fair comparing Christians to non-Christians.

My religion attracts genetic genetic assholes.

Yeah.

Is my argument.

Yeah.

Fuck.

So he then offers up his third rebuttal to the, but you're a bunch of assholes rebuke, which is, sure, we may be more of assholes, but who's the most saved by Jesus, though?

Yeah.

If you judge Magic the Gathering decks by who has the most lands, I'm actually killing it for everybody.

I really wish that, because he goes into this long analogy at this point where he's got a theoretical atheist who's a nice person and a theoretical Christian who's not.

What's his name?

He named the fucking theoretical atheist Dick Firkin.

I just, every time he said, I giggled.

But his actual argument seems to be.

What about ball sack buckholes?

I'm going to write it down on the board.

But the argument is that if you define good person by how Christian somebody is, then Christians are universally better people than atheists.

Got us there.

Yep.

In his example, Christian Miss Bates is a shitty factory, and atheist Dick Firkin is a better factory.

But what happens if you put Christian management in charge?

So, whatever.

He's trying to make a point.

All I could think about was fucking up Dick Firkin's house of Merkins with Christianity.

So, yeah, but no, but there's a very like, well, let's see how nice a guy Dick Firkin is when he's burning in hell aspect of of this entire argument, right?

Yeah.

The most generous interpretation of this belabored passage is, but atheists get really snotty when you tell them they're broken, unfixable, and doomed to burn in fire forever.

Right.

Yeah, but he closes out by telling us, look, nice is fine, but it's not as important as Christian.

And I'm like, hey, he just summed up Trump's appeal.

God, he did.

And he's about to be done with chapter 10, clearly thinking he nailed it, wrapping up the book.

And then he accidentally admits the entire religion is terrible.

He ends that section by saying, okay, you know what?

I said nice is fine.

Nice is actually not fine.

If everyone's nice, it makes it way harder to make them Christian.

Nice people ruin our whole thing.

Fuck.

I'm going to need one more chapter ahead.

I could pull this out, I swear.

All right, let's see if he can.

We finally reached the promised land.

Book four, five, whatever it is.

The final chapter 11, new men.

So I have to say right off the bat.

Chapter 11, moral bankruptcy.

Yeah, right, right.

I'm going to say right off the bat, no way that modern day C.S.

Lewis would be using evolution in the opening analogy of his final chapter.

Nope.

Okay, there's a pocket of British Christians that knew about Darwin for over a century.

And then finally they were like, hey, this evolution thing is kind of a pain in the ass for arguments.

Do you want to just lie?

Like,

he did this in America a while ago.

It seems to be working.

Yeah.

Well, and he throws America a bone, right?

He's like, he says, and I quote, everyone now knows about evolution, though, of course, some educated people disbelieve it.

Not people who are educated about evolution.

Weavers.

But he goes, he's like...

History majors, maybe.

He's like, what's the next step in evolution after humans?

And I wrote my notes, I'm like, is it, is the answer Christians?

And yes, it's Christians.

He's like, it's Christians.

Yeah.

Think about how ill-considered it is to use like evolving into better humans or even like Übermensch as the basis here when you're standing in the historical shadow of Nazi Germany.

Okay, what if Dr.

Mengele focused on philosophy?

I'm going to make it worse.

So, and then he's like, he's going to, this is going to take up really the rest of the chapter.

He's like, this new type of evolution is so unlike any type of evolution that we know that it would be fucking nuts to even use the word evolution to describe it.

Let me spend the rest of the chapter delineating all the different ways that my analogy fails.

Yeah, and that's mostly because he's describing evolution that lands on C.S.

Lewis.

He points out that dinosaurs were huge and had all this armor, but then evolution gave us these feeble little human bodies and smaller muscles and bad teeth.

But our brains are a good size, Joy, my wife.

Right, yeah, right.

So, okay, place where his analogy fails.

Number one, Christianity has not passed down sexually.

Evolution can happen without being sexually satisfied, Joy.

Your first husband is technically extinct, if you think about it.

Extinct.

Number two is that it's voluntary, right?

We can choose to be a Christian, which is that we can evolve, or we can, quote, shrink back.

We can dig in our heels and let the new humanity go on without us.

Have a good time?

It's like the person storming out as a bluff and then stopping and being like, what?

Yeah, right.

Yeah.

Did you say something?

Did you say no, stop, please?

I heard no stop.

I heard that too.

So failure point number three is that you get it through the good infection that he talked about on the last episode.

And I'm like, that's just, you're just restating one with more specificity now.

Yeah.

And he's so close to the end of the book and he turns it into gay sex again as if he's a personal favor to us, like for old time's sake.

He was like, I'll do one more Tobias Funke.

Exact words.

Men become new by being in him.

Yep.

So, all right.

So, and non-evolution analogy, point number four is that it goes much faster.

It's fun to watch him realize that, like, we're like a terrible virus in a pandemic or whatever is the analogy he was going for the whole time and then back away from it in fear.

But then, of course, failure number five right the the fifth way this is different from evolution is that the stakes are higher than just survival this time it's about fucking magical ghost survival who is this argument for who was like you know i wasn't sold on being christian till someone called it the new evolution but now that i know that it's both fat and sick nasty i'm all the way in on christianity but don't answer yet there's a secret prize called infinity right Yeah.

Call it in the next 10 minutes.

You get the belt holster, too.

Also, there's this bizarre fucking moment where he's like, you can tell a fully evolved Christian by their voice, apparently.

It is, quote, stronger, quieter, happier, and more radiant.

Yeah, their faces are also those things, according to

quieter faces.

Yes.

So,

well, and then he has to tackle the question, but if we're all all like Christ, won't we all be the same?

And he's like, no.

And we're like, what?

And he's like, it's, it's difficult to get a good illustration.

That's an actual quote.

It's difficult to get a good, like, that's because you're lying and you're bad at it, man.

Don't say you have superpowers.

Yes.

He goes, well, you know how people look different even when we're all using the same light.

And I'm like, well, how the fuck do you think that helps, man?

Who is this for?

Like, wait, hold on, hold on.

If we all look like a fucking molly dealer at Bonnaroo, how do I know if I'm jerking off some guy or masturbating?

Don't get if we're all the same.

And how will I know who to buy the molly from at Bonnaroo?

Can you illustrate?

Do you have something about salt to do a good illustration?

Right.

Yeah, yeah.

He goes, okay, you know how British cuisine is great because of all the salt?

I swear to God, that is like his closing analogy.

It is what he says.

He's like, Christ is like people salt.

And we're like, bad for you.

He's like, I'm doing the best I can.

Again, that's the actual the let I am doing the best I can is an actual line from this point in the book seriously his examples of great food with salt yes to represent the infinite paradise of heaven this is so British is eggs tripe and cabbage tripe made the list Honestly, can we just take a moment again to acknowledge how much of this book ended up being, guys, writing a book is so high.

Right.

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, boy.

Oh,

because right here he goes, like, well, if you think about it, authors who are very original are actually worse than people who tell stories that have already been told over and over again.

This is apropos.

This is relevant to the Tolkien and the Bible were pre-plagiarizing me.

Yeah, right.

All right.

Well, apparently that's the thought that we're closing the whole fucking endeavor on because that's it.

There is no more mere Christianity to read.

And to be honest, I have a feeling we're going to miss it once we decide what's coming up on the next God-awful books.

Before we break it to you that your princess is in another podcast, I want to remind you that we're only a little over a week away from American Atheists Annual Convention.

It moves around every year.

This year, it's in Minneapolis.

It's on Easter weekend every year.

There are still tickets available.

And if you go and you see me or Lucinda there, come on up and say hi.

It's always a thrill to make a two-way conversation out of this fur change.

That's why I'm going.

Anyway, that's all the blessing we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Show's Hot Friend Got Off on Movies debuting at Seven Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of Bre Have Sister Show's Citation Nita debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I couldn't carry the host gabble if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for always overflowing with comedy.

I need to thank Eli Bosnick for always cleaning up afterwards when he overflows.

I also want to thank Lucinda Lusions for always bringing down the hammer.

I also want to thank Matthew for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

Congrats on the marathon and sorry about the trade war.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best pipeds, Ryan, Craig, Russell, Matt, Something Stupid, Cavs the Size of Candle's Quartermaster Jacob Thorne, Ent Draft, Gene and Nicole, Queer, Autistic, and Melanie.

Ryan, Craig, Russell, and Matt, whose stones are so big NASA's Near-Earth Object Collision Warning System accidentally calculated their orbit.

Something, Cavs, Jacob, and Ent, who are so bright it's impossible to see them in silhouette.

And Gene and Nicole QueerAutistic and Melanie, whose IQs are as high as NOAA at an atheist convention on 420 in a weed legal state.

Together, these 12 new and returning patrons helped keep our financial heads above water by giving us money.

If you, too, would like to provide us with some fiscal buoyancy, you can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com/slash scathingadious, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended Afri version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the right side of the homepage at scathingadious.com.

And if you'd like to help, but you're saving all your money to pay tariffs, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robinson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morton Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death wretch, you find all the contact demo on the contact page at scathingadius.com.

I would pay a lot of money to hear the conversations where somebody had to explain Wool Dasher Mizzel and the swearing in the end.

This content is can-credentialed, which means you can report instances of harassment, abuse, or other harm at their hotline at 617-249-4255 or on their website at creatoraccountability network.org.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

San Jose's airport is a simple airport to fly through, which is great for travelers because you can get from curb to gate in minutes, connect to lots of places around the country and world, and you can even wash your car while you travel.

So you can take off dirty and arrive clean.

Which is pretty awesome if you ask us.

A simple airport is a better airport.

San Jose Moneta International Airport.

Fly Simple, Fly SJC.

Visit flysjc.com.

Time for a sofa upgrade?

Visit washable sofas.com and discover Anibay, where designer style meets budget-friendly prices, with sofas starting at $699.

Anibay brings you the ultimate in furniture innovation with a modular design that allows you to rearrange your space effortlessly.

Perfect for both small and large spaces, Anibay is the only machine-washable sofa inside and out.

Say goodbye to stains and messes with liquid and stain-resistant fabrics that make cleaning easy.

Liquid simply slides right off.

Designed for custom comfort, our high-resilience foam lets you choose between a sink-in feel or a supportive memory foam blend.

Plus, our pet-friendly stain-resistant fabrics ensure your sofa stays beautiful for years.

Don't compromise quality for price.

Visit washablefas.com to upgrade your living space today with no-risk returns and a 30-day money-back guarantee.

Get up to 60% off plus free shipping and free returns.

Shop now at washablesofas.com.

Offers are subject to change and and certain restrictions may apply.

Lowe's knows how to get you ready for holiday hosting with up to 35% off select home decor and get up to 35% off select major appliances.

Plus, members get free delivery, hall away, basic installation, parts, and a two-year Lowe's protection plan when you spend $2,500 or more on select LG major appliances.

Valent through 10-1, member offer excludes Massachusetts, Maryland, Wisconsin, New Jersey, and Florida.

Installed by independent contractors.

Exclusions apply.

See Lowe's.com for more details.