624: Sucks to Suck Edition

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Warning the following podcast contains adjectives, which is, in my mind, every bit as necessary as a warning that it contains profanity.

Their words.

Get over it.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Aura Frames, Mint Mobile, and by Mount PayPal.

Because you know that now that he knows Google Maps will change it, he's just going to start selling that shit.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

I'm Bob the Tomato, and I'm Larry the Cucumber.

And we're here to inform you that you are.

Wait, what's going on here?

Hey, it's me, Picklebrick.

And I'm here to inform you guys that you were, in fact, evolved from Filthy Monkey Man.

Wubba Dub Dub.

That was really weird.

It's Thursday.

It's February 13th.

And it's Palentine's Day.

Cool.

You charge a big box of Ferrero Roche to the company card.

You know it, Biach.

I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Henright.

And from Bam Bam Bigelows, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Rust, Georgia, this is the Skating Atheist.

Oh, this week's episode, Donald Trump checks under Christianity's bed for monsters.

The decor at Mar-a-Lago is getting pretty goatsy.

And Jesus will get downright parabular, which is apparently a real word.

The first, the diatribe.

There are a few jugglers that meet up at a park in Jacksonville on Saturdays, and on the rare occasion that I'm able to take the afternoon off, I head down there to join them.

Such was the case last Saturday.

We had gorgeous weather, it was partly cloudy, temperatures in the mid-70s, so it was just a perfect day to hang out in the park.

And that meant, of course, a bit of a crowd.

So we spent less time practicing and teaching each other new tricks than we spent showing off for families walking by and teaching random strangers the basic three-ball pattern.

Now, this park, there's circular track that goes all around it, and we're set up at sort of the south end of the circle.

And about half an hour after we got there, we see a group of guys starting to mill around at the western end.

And it's immediately obvious that they're there for some religious shit.

It's all young African-American men, and they're all wearing these robes over their clothes, like black robes, like he would graduate in.

And as more and more of them start to congregate out there, they start setting out these signs and pamphlets and shit on the ground around them.

We're not talking about a very big park here, right?

So we're close enough that we can see everything that they're doing, but far enough away that when they start loudly preaching, we can't make out the words.

But of course, ultimately, inevitably, that's what they do.

In all, there's maybe 30, 35 of them, and they're all standing like facing the same way, arranged like a choir.

And they're taking turns preaching.

One of them will yell talk for a bit, and when he starts to flag, another one of them will randomly take over.

Now, again, I couldn't make out what what they were saying, but from their tone of voice and their gesticulations, I was pretty sure it was hellfire.

And when Lucinda and I walked past them on our way to the car, some two and a half hours after they started their weird little vigil, I confirmed it.

They were screaming about the apocalypse, and they had these little placards strewn around them with Bible verses from Daniel, Ezekiel, and Revelation.

And they were warning all the people that walked by about the inevitability of the end of days.

And that made me so fucking fucking sad.

Because look, if you've ever tried to get a group of young men to all show up at the same time to do any goddamn thing, literally anything, a fucking sport, a social event, a DND game, you know what a Herculean effort it had to be to get like 35 guys in their early 20s to all come to this park and sacrifice their Saturday afternoon for this.

Hell, they were even all dressed the same.

This is a monumental feat of organization here.

And for what?

Think about the good these 30 kids could have been doing.

I mean, it's hard to imagine anything less productive than screaming at strangers that aren't listening to you about a fiction you barely understand.

I mean, the fiction is actively harmful in this instance.

So even just sleeping in and playing video games would have been better than what they were actually doing.

But even setting that aside, it was the absolute nadir of productivity.

Even imagine a world where they're right,

right?

That we really are on the verge of a biblical apocalypse that God encoded into his Bible in such a way that nobody fucking noticed it until the 1800s, and that all the people who remain unconvinced will all suffer through this grand tribulation while the chosen few are given a fast pass to heaven everlasting.

Even if that were true,

they would be entirely wasting their time.

Because A, nobody was listening to them, and B, everybody walking by had already heard that bullshit before.

Right?

Hell, if their vitriol and anger is turning people away from their message, they're being counterproductive.

And before you start thinking I'm casting stones from a vitriolic and angry glass house, I want to remind you, I'm not screaming this diatribe into a public park.

Right.

And critically, we're not in a world where any of the shit they're saying is right.

Right.

That's a fantasy.

I can barely keep up for a few theoretical minutes in my diatribe to make a point.

So the only actual good thing they're doing is turning people off of their dangerous message by being belligerent assholes about it.

But just imagine if instead of gathering to lord their superiority over the unclean masses and condemn them for their sinful ways, these guys had decided to spend their Saturday helping the cities unhoused

or tutoring kids or cleaning up a highway or Fucking sewing little sweaters for ducks or arguing about the taxonomy of unicorns.

Hell, me and those jugglers were doing more good just by making kids smile and teaching people an active hobby that like one in 400 of them will ever learn to do.

As Madeline Murray O'Hare, the founder of American Atheists, famously said, two hands working can do more than a thousand clasped in prayer.

That's probably more quotable than my version.

Two hands up your ass are more useful than two hands in prayer, but it's not any more accurate.

They're talking about your Jesus.

We able to disbroadcast and bring you a special news woman today.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Cobra Kai and Eagle Fang Demay Miyagi-Do, Heath Enright, and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to wax off?

Sure, yeah.

Strike first, strike medium hard, no mercy.

Yeah,

yeah, but that's probably best.

Don't have time for all the way hard in my 40s.

Yeah, and striking hard is going to make me wax off faster.

So there you go.

All right.

Well, I need to remind Eli to breathe.

So we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Aura Frames.

Now I'm thinking about it.

It's about breathing.

Okay, mom, go to your settings.

The gear.

No, it's a picture of a gear.

Okay, well, when I'm talking about something on your phone, just assume I'm talking about a visual representation of that thing digitally.

What toe?

I don't have a tone.

No, I'm expressing myself clearly.

Look, Noah and Heath are here.

I got to go.

Okay.

Okay.

I will call you later.

I love you.

Hey.

Okay.

Bye.

Hey, man.

What was that?

Yeah, why did you say we were here?

We've been here.

Yeah, sorry.

I just wanted to get off the phone.

Why?

What's going on?

My mom filled her phone up with pictures again.

I just wish there was a place for her to put them.

You know, it makes me miss disposables and CVS, right?

Well, Eli, why don't you just try an Aura frame?

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Nice.

I'll tell my mom right away.

Okay.

And she's FaceTiming me.

Mom.

Mom, you're on FaceTime.

We're gonna go.

Yeah, probably best.

No, no, not speaker, mom.

FaceTime.

Your ear is on the cam.

Here's on the camera.

You won a Lee Bennett Hopkins award.

She's your dad.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, as last week's episode was going to air, leaders in Washington were gathering for the national prayer breakfast, a tradition started by a secretive far-right cult that was exposed as such, but we keep doing the constitutionally dubious breakfasting because our government is entirely beholden to Christian bullshit and doesn't even pay lip service to the establishment clause anymore.

Are you talking about the Republican Party?

Yep.

The far-right cult that was exposed?

Sure am.

And in the wake of that unmistakable reminder that non-Christians are second-hand citizens in America and that non-Christians are openly discriminated against at the highest level, Trump announced the creation of a task force that would root out anti-Christian bias in the government.

Department of Untruth, if you you will.

I was thinking like a ministry.

The ministry of the Spirit.

Oh, there you go.

Yeah.

The untruth and the life.

I don't know.

Something like that.

Now, some are hopeful that Trump's anti-Christian bias task force will be much like his voter fraud task force was in the first term, right?

An absurdly expensive snipe hunt that spends most of its time figuring out how to craft a report that doesn't just say, well, this was a waste of fucking time.

But even that strikes me as hopelessly naive.

In the EO, Trump accuses Biden's administration of engaging in, quote, an egregious pattern of targeting peaceful Christians, end quote, trying to squelch faith in the public square by bringing federal criminal charges, end quote.

And if you're thinking to yourself, the fuck it did, don't worry.

He gives examples like, quote, obtaining in numerous cases, multi-year prison sentences against nearly two dozen peaceful pro-life Christians for praying and demonstrating outside abortion facilities.

Not outside.

No,

they were inside locking the door.

The ones outside got to go home.

That's actually

not illegal.

Also, it's not peaceful just because you weren't using literal bombs like many of your friends have used in the past.

Why is this complicated?

Like, I was doing a peaceful sit-in.

The fact that I was sitting on your ventilator tube is actually the tube's fault.

I was praying and thinking about it.

Yeah.

Right.

So what we're talking about here is Christian protesters who blocked entrances to abortion clinics and harassed and accosted patients and doctors.

That's against the fucking law.

So what the government did was enforce the law.

And even then, only a little bit, right?

Also, nobody was arrested for praying and demonstrating.

They were arrested for demonstrating.

It's like saying a murderer was arrested for breathing and murdering.

So what this task force is going to do, what its stated goal is, is to ensure that Christians aren't prosecuted when they commit crimes.

As Rachel Laser, president of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, puts it, quote, rather than protecting religious beliefs, this task force will misuse religious freedom to justify bigotry, discrimination, and the subversion of our civil rights laws, end quote.

Yeah, this is the religious freedom of not touching can't get mad is what they're doing.

It sure is, baby.

I was peacefully handing a pillow to your face, a soft, peaceful pillow handing to your face.

Get out of here.

Right.

And look, like like so many things in current American politics, this shouldn't need to be said, but apparently it does.

You cannot have religious freedom, especially for Christians.

What Trump is doing here is a complete reversal of religious liberties and an effort to create even more thoroughly codified legal exemptions for Christians.

And what Christians do with legal exemptions, if history is any fucking guide, is violate the rights of other people.

Yep.

Is that pillow a Nazi?

And in more like Carl's Pooh

News.

Okay, that's pretty good.

I like that.

Thank you.

There are many traditions of America's yearly Super Bowl.

Pizza, wings, beer, outrage over the fact that the halftime show has a black person in it.

But perhaps my favorite tradition.

is a Christian freak out over one of the commercials.

Whether it's Scientology existing or a beer beer horse not being racist enough, Christians seem to find something every year to be outraged by.

And this year, it's no exception.

As the Parents Television and Media Council, the one million moms of media councils, warned the nation about a Carls Jr.

ad they dubbed softcore pornography.

Which, if you've seen the commercial, makes you feel like these people need better softcore pornography.

Sorry, I'm just trying to find the commercial in VR.

What were you guys talking about?

Right.

So, first off, big thanks to Jamie for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

If you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, we promise to be outraged by the completely banal things in your life so you can get a sneak peek into the life of Carls Jr.

Scathingnews at gmail.com.

Still can't find the VR.

Jamie, sent us that as well.

Right.

So the ad, which stars TikTok makeup influencer Alex Earl, pause for gunshot, promises viewers a free hangover burger and is

the least sexy thing imaginable.

She's wearing like a tube top in the ad, but honestly, people, if there's soft care pornography present, I missed it.

Well, it's certainly not the least sexy thing.

There's like side boob and under boop, Eli.

It's practically Bukaki.

Yeah, I found it.

So I don't understand.

There's a very attractive woman with...

a double bacon cheeseburger that has hash browns inside of it.

Like, what even is porn if not that?

You know what I'm saying?

Exactly.

There's no way to advertise that without Heath jerking off to it.

Come on.

It's true.

It's true.

I'm a human being.

The minute I saw the hot honey ad, I was like, all right, I'm not calling Heath for 15 minutes.

But Christians have never let something as minor as reality get in their way.

So the PTMC released the following completely banana statement.

Quote, Carls Jr.

has taken a page from the pornography industry with the sexually suggestive imagery that references a money shot in its new ad.

And families should be aware as the ad will air before the Super Bowl game on different media outlets.

End quote.

Oh my God, they're not even pissed about the side boob.

They're pissed about a shot of some like fluid flying in the air by a dude's face, which can only be seen as a reference to porn by people who watch porn.

And know the term money shot.

Right.

This is not like this is porn.

This is, this reminds me of the porn I was just watching.

Yeah.

Look at that cartoon bee drizzling honey off a stick.

I got to write a strongly word letter to Honey Not Cheerios.

This is fucking, well, at first I'm going to jerk it, but then a strongly worded letter to Honey Not Cheerios.

You look at these McDonnell arches and tell you they don't remind you of the exact parabola of tub girl shit as it sails through the air.

I'm just common sense media over here.

They conclude: quote, using softcore porn to sell burgers was Carl Jr.'s previous strategy years ago, and one we called out.

In 2017, the company appeared to have a change of heart, wisely realizing that strategy was distracting.

But, like Hollywood's mindset of reviving old ideas, Carl's Jr.

must have dusted off its outdated playbook, forgetting that it alienated customers with its racy ad campaigns years ago.

We urge Carl Jr.

to reconsider airing this ad campaign.

We also warn warn parents to try to steer clear of this commercial over the coming weekend.

End quote.

Okay, two things.

Why is the word distracting in air quotes there?

But secondly, what are they going to do?

How are you going to avoid the commercial?

You're going to watch the goddamn game with big black bars up in front of your TV the whole time?

No, Jimmy, that's a money shot.

What's a money shot, you say?

Good question.

And just for the record, the so-called change of heart in 2017 they were talking about was actually just a joke that was making fun of Christian lunatics who complain about heathenous burger ads.

After Crazy People complained about an extremely successful ad in 2016 by Carls Jr., the marketing team introduced a character named Carl Sr.,

a stodgy old guy with a white beard who came back to work and got mad at Carl Jr.

for using sex appeal in the ads.

So the company leaned into the bit a little bit and did some non-sexy ads after that.

The whole thing was mocking Christian brutes.

You don't get it.

And they didn't get it again.

It's so good.

They might as well be like, and then when Mr.

Peanut was reborn, that's when planters came out pro-life, is what they did.

They understood the value.

Yeah.

So Christians are now rushing at their televisions to turn off burger ads, afraid of the imagery of ketchup cum shots.

So once again, I just want to remind our audience that no punishment we imagine for them is as silly as what they willingly choose to do for themselves.

And in Fill in the Crank News,

we have a story about an ICE immigration raid in Chicago that included Dr.

Phil, who is not a doctor, to be clear.

He has a doctorate in clinical psychology, but he hasn't had a license to practice since 2006.

You're fucking Phil.

You're just a guy named fucking Phil who looks like Wario.

But even if he was a doctor, it wasn't a doctor of, you know, xenophobic fascism because they didn't offer that at the University of North Texas, where he went, surprisingly.

So

there was no reason for some rando named fucking Phil to be doing a ride-along with jackbooted ice thugs last week while they rounded up human trophies for Donald Trump to show off to his bigot supporters.

And definitely no reason to let Phil be on video during that process.

But that all all happened anyway.

Yeah, to be clear, we all agree that Dr.

Phil being there was like the least fucked up aspect of this thing, but it was still the weirdest.

You say what you will about the SS, but at least they didn't do celebrity ride-alongs, you know?

So just a little background on Phil.

He's got a net worth of $460 million.

Oh, we should be evil.

He started his lucrative career by running the Grecian Health Spa in Topeka, Kansas, where he sold lifetime memberships, sold those contracts to another company, then abruptly closed the spa, filed for bankruptcy, and left the state in 1973.

Well, it's not his fault that all those members didn't die on schedule.

Yeah.

And based on what we know about the care there, he was trying his best.

All right.

I'm going to have to skip some stuff, but we'll move ahead to 1990.

when Phil started up a trial consulting firm called Courtroom Sciences Inc.

or CSI.

He'd set up mock trials in the form of little skits to simulate the actual trial.

And the concept was that an amazing psychologist like him could observe the reactions from the mock jury and get magical insight into the real trial.

This was all nonsense.

One way to know that, other than actual experts calling it nonsense, is the fact that his firm was the basis for a CBS prime time procedural called Bull.

Oh, I didn't know that was based on real Bull.

It's so stupid.

So, despite CSI being a giant scam, Phil got hired by Oprah as a consultant for an upcoming civil case.

Actually, based on what we know about Oprah, maybe I should have said because it was a giant scam instead of despite.

Yeah.

He got hired.

Either way, Oprah loved him so much that she made him into a regular on her show and a big TV star.

Part of that TV career as a mental health guy included going to the hospital room of Britney Spears in 2008 and trying to get her family to do an intervention on his show.

I want to be clear.

Phil was saying they, the family, would intervene on Britney.

And when that stunt hit the news, pretty much every actual doctor said that was wildly unethical and stupid.

Yeah.

Hey,

let's do a little televised surprise therapy, huh?

Where are you guys going?

what do you mean we don't need to ask why do you guys have all this paperwork i don't know what's happening

all right from there we got 16 years of extremely troubling allegations against phil mostly settled out of court along with phil making a bunch more money on tv and that brings us to 2025.

Donald Trump took office and immediately started rounding up immigrants.

And Phil wanted to play racist cop and do a ride-along.

And during one of those raids, ICE arrested a guy and Phil is standing there.

And the guy in handcuffs says, you're Dr.

Phil.

And Phil says, yeah, how do you know me?

And the guy says,

I've seen you on Dr.

Phil.

Yeah.

And like, honestly, when he says, how do you know me?

There's a real, please don't say Epstein Island look on his face for a little bit.

Yeah, there's a reinforcement of terror.

Yeah.

So we did get a shred of good news related to ICE raids.

Not really.

Stretchy times.

I'm doing the best I can here.

I'm working, baby.

I'm finding it.

I'm finding it.

I'm going to start by explaining the problem with creating a racist theocratic hellscape where Christian people don't have laws.

There's just the one problem if you're a racist theocrat.

That problem is non-racist theocrats might fuck up your perfectly good hellscape.

And that's what happened with a group of Quakers in Maryland.

Apparently, those sneaky fucking Quakers found an obscure character in the Bible who loves immigrants.

I forget the name of the Bible carry.

It doesn't matter.

So they filed a lawsuit against the Department of Homeland Security, which oversees ICE, for changing their policy in a way that violates religious liberty.

DHS got rid of a rule that prevented raids in sensitive locations like churches, schools, and hospitals.

Naturally, the part about schools and hospitals got ignored, and the plaintiffs are focusing on the important part, the churches only.

The lawsuit is arguing that undocumented people need to be able to attend church without worrying about ICE raids because church is a fundamental human need,

unlike hospitals and schools.

Right.

Well, to be fair, they're focused on the religious stuff because religious stuff has the most rights.

Right.

Like hospitals and schools don't have a RIFRA.

Yep.

Yeah.

Unless it's a corporate hospital.

Then it's a person who can have a RIFRA.

Guys, I figured this.

I'm blowing this wide open.

So, no, actually, look, even corporate personhood isn't as good.

People don't have as many rights as religions do.

Shit.

Okay.

They found the best one.

They found the best one.

It's a religion dedicated to a corporate hospital.

You guys go off of your words out there.

We'll go back to you.

It's like a Sudoku of bullshit.

Or a Sudoku.

The new ICE policy sounds like super bad fascist news, but don't worry.

It does sound like that.

Don't worry, though.

Okay.

According to the former acting ICE director, PJ Lechleitner, it's not going to be an issue.

Just for context.

PJ had the job from July of 2023 until Trump's inauguration.

So he's going to be super helpful.

He's pretty sure that ICE under Trump wouldn't just like violate traditional norms.

So it's going to be fine.

He told NBC, quote, I don't think you're going to be seeing a lot of target operations in churches or places of worship or schools or whatever,

unless, of course, there's a real operational and public safety, national security need to do so.

Yeah.

End quote.

No, yeah.

Up until now, Trump's immigration policy has been fastidiously restricted to public safety and national security needs.

So no reason to think it'll change now, I guess.

Yeah, and he loves a good norm.

So bottom line, we're all druids now.

We're the religion called we're all druids.

Oh, okay.

And our church is all the U.S.

land that has wood, stones, dirt, air, and or things in it.

Yeah, no, druids like things.

Yeah.

If you're in proximity of any...

Fucking nouns, you're technically worshiping your deity.

And look, I get it.

I'd love it if we could just have laws and sanity, but I think we're way past that now.

So spread the word about the druid thing.

That's what we're doing.

All right.

And with that all cleared up, we're going to pause for a word from this week's other sponsor, Mint Mobile.

Problem Solver.

Okay.

You guys ready for the next ad?

Yeah.

Actually, this week, Noah, we were thinking you could just read the copy.

Just read the copy, yeah.

What?

No, we do like, we always do skits and stuff.

Yeah, but this week, we think you should just read what Mint Mobile wrote.

Exactly.

Yeah, what they wrote for us.

Okay.

Yeah, no, I guess if you guys think so.

Yeah, it's right here on the page if you just read it.

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I thought I was reading the copy.

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They did not write that.

Brian Reynolds is a wacky guy.

He was writing the copies.

He is wacky.

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Can I get a hiya?

No, it's like, can I get a hi-ya?

I'm not doing that.

Okay, well, we're going to have to give Ryan Reynolds his money back.

Yes.

And in Ministry of Faith news tonight.

When Donald Trump took office in 2016, he basically mothballed the White House Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships, which might have qualified for the single good thing he did during his presidency, except that he replaced it with a far worse version called the White House Faith Office, which was essentially the same thing without the pretense of constitutionality.

Well, he's doing that again, this time with an even more souped-up version of the Faith Office, once again helmed by prosperity preacher and proto-Karen Paula White.

Yeah, if you're new around here, Paula White is like Paula Dean without the racial sentence.

Yeah.

And it's a weird pick.

Like the racist Paula Dean part makes perfect sense, but Paula White summoned angels to help Donald Trump in the 2020 election.

And those angels didn't do fucking shit.

No.

And we learned about that failed angel conjuring from Paula's live stream that included a very long segment of pretending to speak in tongues or glossolalia.

And as always, that ended with the liar running out of fake noises and sadly fading out because they couldn't think of another round round round noise to go after it.

And then having to make that insane segue from fake noises back to human talk.

That's always awkward.

It's a hard flip to land.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, yeah.

The whole Office of Faith-Based Initiative shit was first started under George W.

Bush as a quasi-constitutional method of paying back his evangelical supporters.

And like far too many quasi-constitutional things his predecessor did, Obama Obama failed to shut it the fuck down.

He retooled the office and admittedly largely used it for good shit that even an atheist activist couldn't really complain about.

But he created the kind of bipartisan precedent that makes it damn near impossible for Democrats to later argue that Trump's far more egregious violation of church-state separation was more than just a change in policy.

And of course, when Biden took over, he shut down Trump's version and then he reopened Bush's version.

And now Trump has undone all of that.

I was going to ask why we have a branch of government that only matters when the bad guys have it.

And then I remembered we actually have three of them.

Well,

it matters.

But yeah, of course.

Should have voted for Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris.

Just because he's done this before,

that doesn't mean this isn't a new threat.

Right.

This time around, we've got a far more emboldened Christian nationalist agenda.

Trump's made it clear that the chief goal of this office is going to be to funnel as much federal money as possible into churches and religious groups.

Right.

And something tells me that Bishop Budd's church isn't in line for a handout, right?

Like every fucking penny of this money is going to go to Trump supporting far-right evangelical and Catholic groups.

Who will use that money to re-elect him?

It's a nice little circle is what we're saying.

It might be time to do kind of like a runaway jury thing.

Everybody starts up like a far-right evangelical group in quotes.

Like it could be a fun exercise, like in acting.

There you go.

I don't know.

Now, it's also worth noting, by the way, that the other chief function of this office, as outlined in the executive order that reinstated it, will be to funnel complaints to the Justice Department.

So, in addition to the taxpayer-funded giveaway, it'll also help streamline the OAN bullshit freak out to actual legal action pipeline.

So, I guess get ready for the Justice Department to sue Disney over a lesbian cartoon princess or something.

That's coming.

You guys got to let it go.

And in Gamer Out the Gate News, far-right political commentator and former games journalist Calvin Robinson is now also a former priest of the Anglican Church after he threw out a Nazi salute at the end of an anti-abortion speech at the end of January this year, because...

Even the Anglican church is now more honest about their rejection of Nazism than Americans.

It also could have been a Roman salute, but, you know, they don't tolerate Catholics either at the Anglican Church.

So that's true.

It's true.

One or the other.

Right.

So first of all, big thanks to Kla, who sent us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Kla, I'm not sure if you're named in your email after Morgan's character on the last season of D ⁇ D Minus or if it's just a coincidence.

Either way, you're awesome and we're not going to sue you.

You're welcome.

But we're still suing Carl for sure.

Yeah, I feel like at this point, it's going to be a countersuit.

For sure.

Fucking hate that guy.

Anyway.

I don't know what happened with this.

We did look.

He got away from him.

They got away from the city.

Harrison Harrison sent an email with the news headline.

And we were like, hey, your pun was

nice.

Okay, but not great.

We've just been yelling at Carl this whole time.

Yeah.

Got to open your heart to the bit.

Let it in.

That's what we say.

Carl, we actually love you.

We roast the ones we love.

That's true.

You just ruined the whole bit.

And also, Pat Robertson.

Fuck you, Carl.

There you go.

There you go.

Stupid piece of shit.

A lot of hot and cold.

Anyway, for those of you unfamiliar with Calvin Robinson, boy am I jealous of you.

What do flowers smell like to you?

Better?

Brighter?

Anyway, Calvin founded and owns the website GodisAGeek.com, which attempts to combine gaming news and reviews with

religion, kind of.

Dude, if you wanted to fight me specifically, you could have just talked shit about my cats or something.

Yeah.

Now, I have to admit, from a basic perusal, it seems like they've just been doing the gaming stuff lately.

And the last thing he wrote on there was back in 2019.

And to be fair, I should point out that their entire editorial team has resigned as of the writing of this story.

But aside from starting that website, he's also a professional bigot, Brexit supporter, and all-around asshole.

Anyway, that guy was speaking at an anti-abortion event on January 25th.

And at the end of the speech about how wonderful and preservationist of the West anti-choice people are, he said, my heart goes out to you.

And then did a Nazi salute and then turned to the camera with a big shit-eating grin on his face.

Okay.

So as a goy, I don't want to speak for Jewish people.

Thank you, King.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Well, I checked with the Anti-Defamation League and they said

we're not getting involved in a big fight about Nazi stuff in the UK.

Maybe in a few years, that's how it works great for the people we represent.

Eli, do they speak for the whole community there?

Oh, yeah, big time.

Never misses the ADL.

Never misses nothing but good takes there and oh, they delay.

Yeah, so yeah, the best argument I saw against people who were trying to defend Musk after this was like, oh, this is so okay.

Why don't you do it at work tomorrow?

See how it goes, right?

Looks like this fucking idiot didn't realize that was rhetorical.

All right, I will.

Right.

But as I said at the beginning, the Anglican church aren't as dumb as the New York Times pretends to be.

So this past Wednesday, they announced that Robinson had been defrocked, saying,

Well, we cannot say what was in Mr.

Robinson's heart when he did this.

Oh, oh, Colony.

Call me.

I know it.

His action appears

to have been an attempt to curry favor with certain elements of the American political right by provoking its opposition.

End quote.

That's awfully generous.

Like, look, it was a Nazi salute meant to signal sympathy with Nazism.

The problem with signaling sympathy with Nazism, and I need to make this perfectly fucking clear, is not that it pisses off the libs.

That's not what's wrong with it.

No.

They conclude, Mr.

Robinson has been warned that online trolling and other such actions, whether in service of the left or right, are incompatible with a priestly vocation and was told to desist.

Clearly, he has not.

And as such, his license in the church has been revoked.

He is no longer serving as a priest in the ACC.

End quote.

Okay, well, give it a few weeks.

He'll be the chaplain and Diablo 4 reporter at the Doge.

So they can be fine.

He's fine working at the treasury.

Nice to hear that there are lines anywhere in the world.

A little surprising to find them in a religious institution, but I guess we could start hoping for an assassination attempt from a flying pig while we're at it, right?

You know,

there you go.

And finally tonight in Crooks and Nanny's News.

We have a story about Donald Trump and a goat.

Nanny goat nailed it.

And a big thanks to Josh for the link.

So earlier this week, a Mar-a-Lago member posted images on social media from a dining room in Trump's ridiculous fucking club.

And she's standing next to very clearly a goat idol with literal golden hooves.

And the goat is upholstered with Trump-themed $100 bills.

And the novelty bills have Trump's face and the phrase, in Trump we we trust, Autumn.

Yeah, like, I get that this is supposed to be making fun of us for accusing them of idol worship in Trump, but this is just,

this is just them doing the thing we say.

Yes.

They do.

Hoops is the J-Papong.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, consider for a second that we're living in a reality that is too on the nose for the guys who wrote the left behind books at this point.

Okay.

Look, I get that Republicans are terrible people who like Trump's policies, but how many fucking red flags do you need outside politics entirely?

Like well done steak with ketchup, filet of fishes,

a golden idol of Trump himself, his body at CPAC, and now this?

Like Obama was near a house fly one time in eight years and you thought he was the literal Antichrist.

What is happening?

Yes.

And with that reminder that their chief goal is to put satirists out of business, we're going to close the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

It looks like he decorated Mar-a-Lago with stuff from Idolatry.

And when we come back, it'll turn out the scraping sound coming from that box was Don Ford the whole time.

I thought about it in the middle of the story and I was like, where am I putting it?

I have to say Idolatry.

That's good.

That's good.

No, man, it's like ski gork.

Ski gork.

No, you're doing it weird.

What?

It's a weird sound.

How am I doing it weird?

No, you're doing it weird.

Hey, hey, guys.

Guys, are you ready for Bible Peace Theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it?

We sure are.

Hey, hey, Noah, have you heard Heath say ski gork?

The mispronunciation thing.

It's so weird.

You can't be mispronouncing it.

It's not a word.

Oh, it's a word.

No, it's not.

Anyways, where were we in the Bible?

Teen Jesus was being sassy.

Nice.

What happens next?

Any other news stories?

Yeah, but they're mostly parables.

And to understand them, you kind of need to understand the point of Luke.

Isn't the point of Luke just like the story of Jesus's life?

No, not really.

Mark and therefore Matthew sort of set out the story of Jesus' life already, but Luke is about establishing the brand of Christianity.

Child rape.

No, the intentional brand.

I mean, it seems pretty intentional, no illusions.

They keep

fair.

But what I mean is that Matthew and Mark talk about Jesus as a Jewish prophet.

Like a lot of biblical scholars point out that you could read those books as a fulfillment of Jewish prophecy.

Luke introduces the idea that Jesus is everyone's savior and you know that we should all be really psyched about it.

Okay, cool.

Uh, can you give me some examples?

I sure can.

Let's start with the next news story that's not a parable in Luke: the raising of the widow's son at Nain.

Skegork.

Nope, that's still not it.

God damn it.

Hey, thanks for taking us to Nain, Jesus.

Appreciate it.

Oh, well, you know what they say.

The rain in Nain stays mainly in the plains.

You know, what?

I don't.

I don't get that.

Oh, never mind.

Oh, my son.

My precious son is dead.

Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.

Oh, boo-hoo.

Oh, tell me, lady, why do you weep?

Well, I feel like I established that pretty well with my opening line, didn't I?

Okay, okay, everyone's a critic, whatever.

Okay, look, weep no more.

I'm alive!

Oh, thank you, Jesus.

Hey, uh, quick thing.

Is it rainy?

You're in Nain.

Not particularly, no.

Oh, my God.

I said never mind.

See?

Like that.

I don't understand.

You just raised a guy from the dead.

He did that with Lazarus.

That's not.

Right, right.

There's a couple of important differences, though.

Lazarus is Jesus' friend, and Jesus raises him from the dead because it's prophecy.

He actually says so.

Right.

But this time it's just some kid.

Jesus raises him from the dead because the mom is sad.

So Luke is where we get like, nice Jesus.

Well, I mean, oversimplifying a little bit, but yeah.

Okay, so what's next?

Parables?

Yep, let's do some parables.

Starting with probably the most famous one, the Good Samaritan.

Hey, Jesus.

Yes, you in the back.

Yeah,

remind me how to go to heaven.

Okay, what does the law say?

It says, thou shalt love thy Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul and with all thy strength and with all thy mind and thy neighbor as thyself.

Okay, boom, there you go.

Okay, okay, but like, who's my neighbor there?

Like, my literal neighbor?

Because he stole my rake?

I said I'm still using it.

It's June, Greg.

It's June.

Okay, no, no, everybody, I'm gonna tell you a story, okay?

Lulu Loo, doing pre-stuff.

Pre-stuff is my favorite stuff.

Hey man, uh, a little help here.

I got like robbed and stabbed and stuff.

It's really bad.

Oh.

No oblo.

Come on, man.

Spanish doesn't even exist yet.

Proto-Spanish.

Lulu Lou, Levite stuff.

Lulu Lou.

Oh, God.

Levite.

Hey, man, a little help.

I'm like dying over here.

Oh, sorry.

I don't have the spoons.

I don't think that's how spoon theory is supposed to be applied.

Self-care.

Hey, man, are you okay?

No, not at all.

I need help.

Okay, well, let's get you cleaned up, and I'll take you to a hotel and pay for you to stay there until you're all better, okay?

Finally, thank you.

Ew, and that last guy was a Samaritan.

Ooh.

That is your neighbor.

Sorry, I don't get it.

Why does it matter that the last guy was a Samaritan?

Right, yeah.

So, okay, so Samaritan is the ancient Hebrew equivalent of vaguely European Antichrist, right?

The two nations had been warring together, and Samaritan was basically shorthand for villain at that point.

So, by having the good guy be a Samaritan and then saying that one is your neighbor, he's making goodness and therefore salvation dependent on what you do, not who you are or where you're from.

Oh,

well, that's

good.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like one of three good things in the Bible.

Yes.

Not very funny, though.

No.

No, not really.

Skeegork.

Okay, still wrong, but thank you for fixing the vibes.

You're welcome.

Okay, so what other parables are there?

There's the death of the rich man.

Man, I sure have had a great harvest this year.

My barn is getting full.

I should tear it down and build a bigger barn.

Hey, uh, big guy.

Oh, uh, God?

Yep, that's me.

I got some bad news for you.

You're gonna die tonight, so you might want to put a pause on the whole barn plan.

Right.

Uh, and just for the record, uh, he that layeth up treasure for himself is not rich towards God.

Wow, that does not sound like the kind of thing I would say at all, right?

It's just right

Okay, so rich people suck, that's fine.

What's next?

Well, the prodigal son.

Hey, dad.

Yes, my son.

Can I get my inheritance now?

I want to go party.

Sure, kid.

Here you go.

Nice.

Oh, man.

Spent all my money.

Hey, kid.

You want a job feeding my pigs?

Um, it depends.

Can I have what the pigs don't finish?

Yeah, sure.

Knock yourself out.

Yes.

Hey, dad.

I'm home.

Son, I'm so glad to see you.

Yeah, here's the thing, though.

I spent all my money and ate, like, pig food a bunch.

I bet you don't even want me to be your son anymore.

Oh, of course I do.

There is more money, and we'll prepare a great feast in your honor.

Hey, dad, what the heck?

Oh, hey, elder son, who's been here the whole time.

What's the matter?

So he's just allowed to go away and be a big piece of shit and then when he comes back, everything's fine?

Uh,

yes.

Well, that's not fair.

What are you talking about?

You've been here the whole time.

We've had plenty of money and feasts.

Okay, but I was good the whole time.

Yeah, but you didn't have to eat pig food.

Exactly.

Love isn't conditional.

Your brother was lost and now he's found.

Okay, well, that story actually...

kind of sounds good too.

Yeah.

Well, especially when you apply it to salvation, which Jesus is very obviously doing in this instance.

The idea that everyone is deserving of unconditional love universally is pretty profound.

I mean, as long as you believe in Jesus.

Well, yeah, well, for sure.

Yeah, you got to believe in Jesus.

Yeah, there it is.

Okay.

But there's got to be worse stuff than that.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Like the story of the rich man and Lazarus.

Hey, sorry.

You're Lazarus, right?

Oh my gosh, rich guy.

How are you doing, man?

Good.

Good.

Good.

Yeah, just died, actually.

So, you know, pretty excited for heaven.

Oh, I bet.

Hey, I just want to thank you again for all the coins you've given me over the years.

Dude, dude, no problem.

All right, Lazarus.

Time to go to heaven.

Oh, well, thank you, Abraham.

Nice.

So, what about me?

I get to go to heaven, too, right?

No, I'm afraid you burn in hell forever.

What?

Why?

Did you not hear the coins thing?

I'm like a good guy, but the coins are.

Well, we don't care about that.

You had all the nice things in life, so now you have to go to hell.

Weird.

Hey, I feel like someone should have warned me about this.

Yeah, you had Moses to warn you.

Okay, but if the stakes were this high, wouldn't sending back Lazarus or something be way better?

Nope.

Nope, Moses was good enough.

Huh.

Okay.

Oh, also, don't spoil your slaves.

I mean, there's not really a story here, but I absolutely say that in this book, and that is important to keep in mind.

Let's see, persistent widow, Pharisee and the tax collector, both kind of boring.

Oh, how about the story of Zacchaeus and the tax collector?

Hey, um, Zacchaeus, uh, where are you headed there?

I'm going to go to the sky who who is police food.

Yep, yep, yeah, he is.

Um, it's a pretty big crowd, though, and you're on the uh, I'm gonna say, petite side.

You sure you're gonna be able to see?

I'm gonna be fine, kind of short side, rather, rather than that.

Whoa, I'm watching Jesus for a while.

Oh, man, I can't see anything.

Oh, a tree.

Nice.

I can see so much better up here.

Oh, Oh, anyway, so be nice to each other and junk, you know.

Hey, great speech, Jesus.

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, can I get a selfie, Jesus?

Oh, sure.

Oh, hey, little guy.

Come on down here.

Shut in, Jesus.

Okay, a little faster here.

Audio medium, come on.

I'm trying.

I'm halfway there.

Hey, Mel.

How's it going?

Oh, uh, great.

I was wondering if we could stay over at your house tonight.

Oh, uh, Jesus, you don't want to stay at this guy's house.

He's a

dick.

No, no, I'm not.

I'm not a duck.

And if I ever chew on a bottle, I will pull them for times.

I mean, um,

so like, why don't you just not cheat people?

Okay, well, uh, then you're going to heaven, and so is your whole family.

Hurrah!

Let me go get my stuff.

You think that's weird?

Let's skip ahead to when Jesus meets Herod.

Uh, King Herod?

Oh my god, this asshole.

Wow.

Great greeting.

What do you want, Pontius?

Seriously?

What?

Jesus, I brought Jesus to you, okay?

Oh, nice, nice.

Yeah, I've been wanting to meet this guy.

Yeah, that's why I brought him.

So, will he do a miracle or something for me?

Nah, he's just kind of doing the silent treatment thing right now.

Oh.

Lame.

Right?

Okay, well, uh, then let's put a fancy robe on him and uh you get back to killing him.

Sure, sure, yeah, okay.

Hey, Pontius,

yeah,

I feel like you and me maybe got off on the wrong foot.

Yeah, yeah, maybe we did.

Hey, do you like

wiping with your hand?

Oh my god, I love wiping with my hand.

All right, that is it.

We are hanging out this week.

Oh, yeah, we are.

The Bible dwells on this.

It's so weird.

It's a whole verse for a while.

It's a whole verse.

Okay, anything else?

Yeah.

One last difference.

You remember when Jesus comes back to life and he reappears to his disciples?

Yeah, of course.

Okay, well, in Luke, we get a little prequel to that.

Dude, I can't believe they killed Jesus.

I know, man.

It's so messed up.

Right?

Hank, guys, by the long faces.

Oh, hey, stranger.

Whose name?

I won't be bothered to ask.

I don't know if you heard, but they killed Jesus.

Yeah, we were like his followers, and we're pretty bummed.

Super bummed.

Oh, don't be sad.

Don't you guys believe the prophets?

If Jesus died, he only did it so he could save the world and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

I mean, if you think about it, really any Christian who feels anything but joy at the eternal life their family member is now experiencing?

It's probably a big old liar, don't you think?

All right, man, we get it.

All right, guy whose name we still haven't asked.

This is us.

Oh, nice.

Uh, you guys eating, or?

Yeah, no, yeah, we're gonna.

Yep.

Oh, cool.

I'm probably gonna go eat too, then.

Would you like to join us?

Oh, I don't know.

I couldn't.

I couldn't possibly.

No, no, no.

Get in.

Please.

Okay, there we go.

Bread and honey or something.

I don't know.

Great.

Let me just bless this because, you know, it's my body.

Oh, my God.

You're totally Jesus.

Oh, you got me.

How did we miss that?

Right?

He's Jesus.

Guys, guys, you won't believe what just happened to us.

Yeah, it was incredible.

Wait until you hear what happened to us.

Jesus appeared to us, and we all recognized him right away, except for Thomas.

And then we got to touch his holes.

Oh, you did?

Totally.

Yeah.

Oh, wait, sorry.

What happened to you guys?

Oh,

nothing.

Why didn't we ask to touch his holes?

What?

I said we saw

a vole.

Oh.

It's kind of like a hamster.

Yeah, cool.

Hamster.

And that's Luke.

Or at least the parts of it that are new.

Okay, so what did we learn?

I mean, some good stuff and some bad stuff.

Kind of hard to summarize.

But that doesn't mean we can't try.

Hit it, Anna.

Are you lonely or an outcast?

Are you sick or low on cash?

I can fix all of that for you, but my dude, there is a catch.

Them with stitches, they're my bitches.

Them with foils, they're my coils.

Come and kneel beside your Jesus, all you filthy hoiberloys.

So bow your head and pray.

Cause my daddy wants to hear you say it's all your fault, it's all your fault.

You're the reason for your problems and your sickness and them all.

Not believing in him sooner was the problem, not bad luck.

And God says, substance up.

Come with me, you stinky leper.

Lay your head upon my chest.

If you like that, take a nibble, cause I'm the Eucharist.

Or you stupid, ugly heathens, I'll invite you all to tea.

Just remember that you're wrong and dumb and should just follow me.

Now bow your head and pray,

cause my daddy wants to hear you say it's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

You're the reason for your problems and your sickness and them all.

Not believing in him sooner was the problem, not bad luck.

And God says, substance up.

Do you see how good and gracious I am?

Healing and accepting and feeding my fellow man.

But only if you prove to me that you're worthy of love and will worship my dad and only my dad and never ever even look at another god because that would be blasphemy.

And there's a fiery pit in hell where I'm gonna send them because my dad is fucking loving and goddamn sweet and you're the asshole for not immediately accepting him and therefore me as your personal savior.

It's all your fault, it's all your fault.

You're the reason for your problems and your sickness and tumult.

Not believing in him sooner was the problem, not bad luck.

And God says, sucks to suck.

And God says, sucks to suck.

Thank you, Anna, once more.

Your skills make me wish I didn't have to be the one to follow you.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our Sister Souls Hot Friend God Awful Movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Souls Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, I'm duty bound to thank Heath Enright for being the scissors that cut through the bullshed.

Eli Bosnik for being the the rock this house is built on.

Anna Bosnick for being the paper that covers Eli, I guess.

So that says weird shit about what Heath does to Anna.

I guess Lucinda then would be the spock, which would make Don Ford the wizard.

Seems far less complimentary than I was looking for when I started this thing.

But anyway, thanks everybody, including Richard for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

Very cinematic.

Tell the whole story in 20 seconds.

Hemingway would be proud.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds.

Though I can't do it by name yet because Patreon just changed their website such that that information is hidden from me.

But I feel fairly confident they'll remember how important it is for us to know that stuff, so I'll be able to take care of that for you next week.

Thank you for your patience, and let's hope that the awe-inspiring nature of your genitals doesn't significantly change over the next seven days.

Together, these several, I guess, people came together to make something happen this week.

That thing being this episode.

And if you'd like to be at least partially responsible for every episode we do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash skathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but not in a money-kind of way, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking to social media, Tim Robinson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

I'm halfway there.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in the Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2025, all rights reserved.

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