614: Matt-a-tat-tat Edition

Warning, this episode contains words that Spellcheck often corrects to duck.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by BetterHope, Aura Frames, and by that glimmer of hope we glean from knowing how much Big Mac is floating around in his arteries.

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Hello, today.

If you're a long-time listener, you've heard my voice before.

I provided the Farnsworth quote for both episode 426, InfoWar Hero Edition and Episode 467 No Hide and Seek Edition.

My wife has even provided the Farnsworth quote for episode 464 Off the Beaten Pathos Edition.

And as someone who tried passionately and desperately and ultimately failed to get his co-workers to vote correctly in the most recent election, I can tell you for an absolute 100%

fact

that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men.

Also,

I'm sorry, I tried my best.

It's Thursday.

It's November 21st.

And it's National Pumpkin Pie Day.

Yeah, you gotta celebrate the concept now, and then you'll be ready to eat it next week.

Or you can just eat it the whole time.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright.

And from Andy Kims, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia, this is Skathing Atheist.

Oh, this week's episode.

That's Head of Health and Human Services Brainworm to you.

The Department of Defense is going to be run by a very special, proud boy.

And the New Testament will finally stop edging.

But first, the diatribe.

In the wake of Harris's loss, a lot of us are wrestling with the what went wrong question.

Not all of us.

An awful lot of us seem to think her loss has suddenly validated any statement they ever made along the lines of Kamala Harris will lose if she doesn't do X.

And for those people, there's nothing to wrestle with.

They already agree with themselves.

But for the rest of us, we're doing some serious searching, desperately trying to figure out where the leak is so that we can plug it in time for the midterms.

Now, to be honest, I think a lot of people are probably making a bit too much of that.

I don't necessarily think the Democrats need to completely overhaul their national strategies.

The economics strongly favored the non-incumbent party.

Biden was an unpopular incumbent, and the Senate map heavily favored Republicans.

Yes, there were concerning redshifts in blue states, but if Republicans had run a halfway competent candidate, I don't think any Democratic candidate or campaign strategy could have succeeded.

That being said, The fact that we could lose to somebody as profoundly incompetent, incoherent, and insane as Donald Trump after America saw what he did with the place is shocking enough that it does demand answers.

And the answer that a lot of people have landed on is one of narrative.

They managed to put together a more compelling narrative than we did.

And that's true.

Our narrative was that the economic playing field is unfairly tilted towards the rich.

And if we can tackle a few serious issues with regards to health costs and the cost of home ownership, we can make real strides towards rectifying some of those structural inequalities.

Well, I guess honestly, more often our narrative was, have you fucking seen the other guy?

But in in terms of the positive case for our side, that's pretty much the narrative the Harris campaign was selling.

Trump's narrative, of course, was all about fear and hate.

The others from less civilized places were coming to America to take your jobs and eat your pets, and the woke lefties weren't going to stop them because they were too busy trying to turn your kids into gay trans communists.

And when you set aside the racism and the lies, which far too many Americans were prepared to do, that is the far more compelling narrative.

After all, structural inequalities are hard to change, gradually or otherwise.

But if the problem is scary brown people,

well, you can solve that problem just by getting rid of the scary brown people, can't you?

That problem is tangible.

That makes it fixable.

So naturally, a lot of people on our side are saying that the solution is finding a better narrative.

And while I will concede that we probably could use a more compelling narrative, I also want to temper our expectations in that department.

Because if trying to sell atheism for a decade has taught me anything, it's that a narrative that is anchored by the truth can never be as compelling as a narrative that isn't.

I mean, it's no mystery why, right?

Evolution by natural selection.

If I put a factual narrative out into the world, that narrative can evolve to be more convincing or compelling, sure, right?

Somebody else might think of a more memorable way to phrase it or a more approachable analogy.

And given enough time, we might actually learn more and be able to add meaningfully to that narrative in more compelling ways.

But it'll always be limited by the truth.

The truth will act like an anchor forever limiting the appeal of that narrative.

But you can't hook an anchor to bullshit, can you?

Bullshit can conform to any shape, it can fit into any mold, and there's nothing you can throw into a pile of bullshit that doesn't belong there.

It was already bullshit anyway.

So if I put a false narrative into the world, it can grow in any direction it wants to grow, unfettered by anything but the imagination and agenda of the people sharing it.

And without any conscious conscious entity even directing it, it will evolve into its most compelling form because the most compelling additions are going to stick and the least compelling ones will fall away.

And what that means is that we're doomed to either forever lag behind our opponents in terms of narrative strength or resort to lies of our own.

And if we let ourselves be convinced that it's all about narrative, we're liable to do exactly that.

We're liable to exaggerate and lean into hyperbole and allow our rhetoric to outpace our reality.

And I already see some of that.

Look, given what we heard on the campaign trail, I think we're in very real danger of fascism, but we're not there yet.

From what I've seen of his campaign pics, I think we're in real danger of oligarchy.

And as much as people like to throw that term around, we're not there yet.

Right?

So every time we use one of those terms to describe the present situation, we weaken those terms.

We're robbing them of their power of literalism.

And to be honest, I think to some degree, our tendency to do that enabled Trump's second term.

We were too grandiose in our claims about how thoroughly he was going to fuck our country the last time.

And now our warnings ring hollow to a lot of voters.

Now, granted, our warnings were pretty much spot on, right?

Trump's handling of the COVID crisis was a powerful vindication of every claim of dangerous ineptitude we ever muttered.

And the families that were forever separated by his border policies will argue that no condemnation of their inhumanity would be an exaggeration.

And that's correct, right?

But if we issue the most dire possible warning, we've created a situation where, number one, we can't ramp it up, but number two, and perhaps more importantly, Trump needs only to stop short of that prediction to thwart us.

If we say, you know, democracy can't survive another Trump term, then any level of corruption short of ending elections will turn out to be a vindication for those who accuse us of embellishment, who dismiss us because of embellishment.

And this works in both directions, right?

Because if we allow our narrative to outpace reality on the other end, we end up making all these grand promises that are impossible to deliver on.

We end up simplifying problems just so that we can offer up simple solutions.

And we reach a point where, for example, the many very real and substantive liberal victories under the Biden administration barely leave a ripple in the pond.

Look, I don't know, I hate to be dishonest about it, but I don't know that the truth can win against a compelling lie everything in my experience as an atheist and skeptic leads me to doubt that but if we can win it's going to be because people recognize the inherent value in truth and if we're going to claim that mantle we need to be ready to carry all the burdens it comes with

they're talking about you jesus we interrupt this broadcast bring you a special news moment

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Khufu and Kafrida, my men, Cora, Heath Edright, and the Eli

fellas.

Are you ready to get to the point?

Cool.

Yeah, tallest pile.

Nice.

Tall one.

But

Coffrey better have a series of deeply embraceable characters.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Absolutely.

A bunch of higher reasons.

Tallest Pile was my senior superlative.

And quick, while I've got everybody's attention, I want to remind listeners that we will be taking a week off next week for American Thanksgiving.

There will be no new episode of Gam on Tuesday and no new scathing on Thursday, but we will be back the next week and we'll act like nothing ever happened.

We didn't want to do it, but Noah made us.

No, oh, okay.

All right.

All right.

Yeah.

No, I've lost like a seven-year fight to make this happen.

And with that out of the way, we're going to take a quick break for a word from our first sponsor this week, BetterHelp.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Come on, dude.

You got to have something.

Maybe sweet potatoes?

Mm-mm.

They consume too much water.

Seriously?

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Oh, hey, Noah.

We're trying to think of something Eli is grateful for.

Yeah, but I refuse because I am a realist.

Well, Eli, if you're having a hard time focusing on the positive, have you considered therapy?

Maybe you didn't hear me, Noah, but the fact that I'm consumed by pessimism isn't something to get therapy for.

It just means I'm smarter than everyone else and also really cool.

Okay.

But if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist at any time for no additional charge.

Probably Probably the smartest person in the world if you think about it.

Yeah, I don't.

Let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com/slash scathing today to get 10% off your first month.

That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash/scathing.

Everyone who can think happy thoughts, they're the ones who need sadness therapy.

Like, like when we hang out with you, exactly.

Cool.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, in alternative vax news.

Over the years, we've joked around about living in a world where satire is dead.

Well, now jokes about satire being dead are also dead because the literal punchline happened in real life when Donald Trump picked Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.

to be in charge of public health in this country.

This was just an idea being floated by a known liar for a while, but now it's official.

Pending a Senate confirmation or some other shenanigans, RFK Jr.

will be the head of the Department of Health and Human Services.

Okay.

And look, this is obviously terrible, but can we acknowledge how much easier our job just became?

I mean, we had to create a Gmail when Joe Biden was president, y'all.

A G-mail.

Yeah, no, the company's possum nipple pizza budget is going way down next year.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So if you asked me a few years ago, what's the opposite of health?

I might have said, like as a joke, parasitic brainworm.

I'm pretty sure that got

it.

Well, fast forward to last week.

And satire got killed by a parasitic brainworm.

It did.

There's never been a better piece of evidence that we're living in a simulation and the programmers are just doing pranks now.

And apparently they've been setting up the prank for years with RFK Jr.'s backstory.

Of course, we all know he's a rabid anti-vaxxer and we've already talked about his homicidal, drunken, falconry, bear corpse escapades.

Jesus, a real thing.

Truly insane collection of words that are 100% accurate.

Well, ursicidal, I guess.

Thank you.

There it is.

He might have killed a person that day, too.

I don't know.

Probably gave somebody COVID.

Probably gave somebody COVID.

He's just throwing around all the time.

We're not willing to commit as a podcast that he didn't kill someone that day.

He killed three people that day in addition to the bear.

Probably

how he got the bike, right?

And speaking of insane phrases, we've already detailed how his taboo card includes whale chainsaw.

So it does include whale chainsaw.

I want to review the ideas of RFK Jr.

that specifically relate to public health for people whose lives do not involve dead bear shenanigans and whale saws.

I'll start with his theory on COVID and

cranking the races.

That's an idea he's had.

According to Kennedy, quote, there's an argument that COVID is ethnically targeted.

What?

It attacks certain races disproportionately.

It's targeted to attack Caucasians and black people.

The people who are most immune are Ashkenazi Jews and Chinese, end quote.

Yeah, when have you ever heard of anyone in China being affected by COVID?

Exactly.

So I guess at least now we know how much racism it takes to balance out support for late-term abortion for the Trump team, right?

We know what the exchange rate is.

Oh, we are saying.

Kennedy also believed that Bill Gates was sneaking invisible microchips into the vaccine.

The idea being Gates could...

track you down and make you pay for a Windows license.

It's not clear what the point of that would be.

Yeah, no, big tech has been dying for some sort of technology that would allow them to track our whereabouts all the time, if only.

So, according to Bobby Deuce, quote, I urge you to contact Bill Gates on his social media.

Gently explain that tagging and tracking humans may appeal to his government cronies in totalitarian China, but those activities are inconsistent with American values and traditions.

You know what else is inconsistent with American values and traditions?

You being allowed to keep using that surname, dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And now that guy who said that will be representing us to other health departments in, for example, China.

Yep.

All right.

Next up, we have a claim from RFK Jr.

during an interview last year with renowned biologist Yosef Rogan, I think, or something like that.

It's about cell phone

causing cancer and Wi-Fi fucking up your brain blood.

Kennedy claimed that he was representing hundreds of people with glioblastoma brain cancer, and it was located right behind their ears, where, you know, cell phones go.

Just for the record, that is not how it works, according to a very long series of very legitimate studies.

So naturally, given those studies, as a follow-up question, Rogan said, Absolutely nothing.

So RFK Jr.

continued and explained how Wi-Fi radiation melts your blood-brain barrier and lets all the toxins in your blood go straight into your brain.

Apparently, the official medical term is leaky brain, according to RFK Jr.

Rogan finally decided at this point to have his producer Jamie look that up.

And Jamie came back with an article that confirmed the ridiculous claim.

And Rogan said, okay, we got to get rid of Wi-Fi.

We later found out that the article that Jamie found was from an organization linked to RFK Jr.

rather than a real source with any real science.

Hey, Jamie, can we read one of Robert's tweets back to him?

Wow, mind-blowing.

Why aren't people talking more about this stuff?

That's the show.

That's the format.

I can see why Joe Rogan perked right up when he started talking about leaky brains, though.

All right.

Well, that brings us to one final moment in the tragic story of our public health chief nominee.

He personally murdered 83 people in Samoa with anti-vaxxer propaganda, but it feels like the word murder should count anyway.

Samoa had a big scandal in 2018 when two babies died soon after getting a measles inoculation asterisk pin in that.

And RFK Jr.

jumped on that and showed up in person in 2019 to advocate against the vaccine.

That led to a big drop in vaccination rates, which were already getting too low.

And of course, that spurred a giant epidemic of an old-timey disease that we eradicated with science and brought back with stupidity.

Samoa's population is about 200,000 people, and 5,700 were infected with measles.

Jesus Christ.

Leading to 83 deaths, many of which were young children.

One other detail, here's the pin.

The two babies who died in 2018 did not get a measles vaccination.

They were accidentally given a steroid muscle relaxer instead.

Well, yeah, it's truly amazing how many medicines fail when you accidentally switch them out with Folger's fucking crystals.

Yeah.

But those babies died like so chill, you guys.

So chill.

Just head on hand.

Floating.

All right.

Well, that guy might be our next director of public health.

Regardless, the point of this story, maybe, hopefully, you can use all that info if you're discussing RFK Jr.

with anyone who's not plugged in.

But just a word of warning on that.

While you're informing people, keep in mind that RFK Jr.

is actually known for some good things too.

Most of his career was spent being an attorney who went after big corporations for polluting the environment.

And another big focus for him is going after food companies for using unhealthy ingredients.

He's just stupid and wrong about what that means in terms of the food lots of the time.

Thanks in part to the worm-shaped hole in his brain, I would imagine.

So, point being, acknowledging a bit of his good motivation in general can give you extra credibility while you debunk his many particular versions of dangerous insanity.

No, it's terrifying.

Our best hope now is that all the actual good stuff that he's done and still believes will be enough to deny his confirmation in the Senate.

Cool.

Hoping is weird now.

Right.

And in prayer of the troller boy news tonight.

Fantastic.

The failed efforts by Oklahoma school superintendent Ryan Walters to head Trump's Department of Education reached all new levels of grift last week, which is impressive since the level of grift we were already at was publicly bribing the president-elect by illegally funneling taxpayer dollars to Trump's bank account through Bible purchases that would have been illegal even without the funneling.

And this escalation came in the form of a video of him praying for Trump that he circulated to schools and demanded they show to all students.

Okay, those are the rules now, I guess.

So I will be demanding that they also circulate our video, which also has the phrase, dear God in it.

So

technically praying too.

Yeah.

Oh, sure.

It's all stop sending me your sex tape for notes, but when you need it for the show,

all of a sudden, it's all about context.

So in the video, Walters announces the creation of a new department called the Department of Religious Liberty and Patriotism.

Which are conflicting goals, if you're intellectually honest, but don't worry, he's not.

That doesn't like acronym to a crypto coin bullshit.

No,

he's not even trying.

He also condemns in the minute and a half long video, he condemns, quote, woke teachers' unions, end quote, for mocking patriotism and pushing, quote, a hatred for this country, end quote.

Then he bows his head in prayer, arguably encourages students to join him, and prays that Donald Trump will save our country from the wokes.

Okay, by which he means saving the kids from

checks notes,

people who teach real things.

Yeah, that's what Trump's going to do.

If an unsolicited dick pic could be a state act, it would be this.

I'm impressed.

I'm impressed.

Right.

Now, for their part, most of Oklahoma's schools seem to have told Walters to eat dicks.

The state's attorney general issued a statement making it clear that Walters has no authority to force schools to show students his video, just like he has no authority to force schools to use Bibles in their lesson plans.

But most is a doll and can't force isn't, can't allow.

So that's far from a satisfactory response.

The fact that this motherfucker can even send out these videos without being impeached is a pretty damning blemish on his state.

Yeah.

I mean, look, keep in mind that if I sent this video to my local school district in New Jersey, I wouldn't be allowed to drop my kid off at preschool anymore.

The idea that this guy is still state superintendent is terrifying.

Yeah, you'd have to walk around town going door to door while staying a thousand feet from any schools.

And that's a good thing.

That is a good thing.

No, it is.

My ankle itches, but it's a good thing.

It's also worth emphasizing that the students in Oklahoma were never the intended audience for his sycophantic video, right?

The fants this sicko was trying to get into were those of Donald Trump.

And as long as the video got his attention, it did its job.

This came alongside the creation of a Trump Education Advisory Committee, which also does an acronym to a cryptocurrency, that he tasked with implementing what

he tasked that with implementing whatever changes in education Trump might fancy.

He also offered an update on his embattled effort to spend $3 million of taxpayer money on Trump Bibles.

I guess lawsuits and a competing bid that wasn't from a Trump Bible forced him to cancel his original $3 million plan.

But he did put out an additional video where he bragged about buying at least 500 of the Trump Bibles for use in AP government classes.

Yeah, the end of that video is just like, hey, Donald, do you like me?

Yes, no, maybe.

Laura Loomers watching from home.

Have some dignity, man.

Yeah.

Well, so the one good part of this is that he actually circled no.

We learned the day before this record that Trump will not be selecting Walters to lead the Department of Education.

So much sad in the Walters household.

Any hole you want, Donald, to follow up in any hole.

Right.

Now, for that role, Trump chose WWE co-founder and co-defendant in an ongoing trial about enabling and ignoring the sexual abuse of teenagers, Linda McMahon.

Yeah, no, hey, look, that's terrifying for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that when I heard it, I breathed a sigh of relief knowing it wasn't going to be this crazy prick.

So that's where we are.

And in Unholy Union news, the older I get, the more I notice myself prone to nostalgia.

Video games used to work on the day you bought them.

YouTube used to have pirate television on it.

And the term religious freedom used to mean something other than believers wanting to be exempt from laws.

It was, as the young people are calling it, pretty skibbity Ohio.

But we got a reminder of just how synonymous the two ideas have become this week when a university in Milwaukee refused to acknowledge the unionization of their employees in the name of religious freedom.

Okay, if there's one good answer to what would Jesus do, it's supporting unions.

He was like the original union carpenter.

But okay, as long as we're taking power away from groups that collect regular tithing and and lobby for government influence, I have a suggestion for one.

Yeah.

No, look, the main message of the New Testament is take care of the poor, and the main message of the old one is welcome immigrants.

In case you're ever wondering how far we've fallen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

First off, big thanks to Josh for sending us this story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

If you send us atheist news to scathingnews at gmail.com, when we establish a commune in the new independent nation of Bosnikia, you'll get an extra pass to the blowjob hut on alternating Wednesdays.

Okay.

Scavingnews at gmail.com.

I'm not sure why it has to be a hut, man.

Like, just to be clear, everybody, we're also talking about an open-air blowjob gazebo, if that's your thing.

I'm not having this fight on air.

We said we were tabling.

I was like, a nice breeze, Eli.

So also, I want to.

You want a stuffy blowjob?

I'm sorry, but Bosnikia?

Your last name, you were named after a country already.

Your last name means Bosnian.

You're nationalizing yourself wrong, damn it.

I've never heard of that country.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Right.

So, this is Marquette University, a Catholic college in Wisconsin, where dozens of non-faculty employees from the university's Klinger College of Arts and Sciences have spent most of the year organizing a union with the United Campus Workers of Wisconsin.

Most of the non-faculty staff have signed cards authorizing UCWWI to represent them according to the union, but the university is refusing to recognize the union and is voting a religious exemption to sidestep a national labor relations board union election.

Because, you know, Jesus didn't say nothing about bargaining with Caesar collectively or something.

Ah, yes.

The famous gospel of the scab from the New Testament.

That's a lesser known one.

Well, and look, we pointed this out at the time, but as soon as the court accepted the argument for vaccine mandates based on religious beliefs, they removed any possible limitation to long-standing beliefs, right?

Or at all standing beliefs.

Legal precedent lets lets them make up whatever bullshit they want as they want now.

Yeah.

And I should point out that sadly, there is already separate legal precedent for refusing a union on religious grounds on the books, right?

The NLRB has already said that religious institutions are exempt from board oversight, quote, under a broad interpretation of religious freedom, end quote.

And if you're wondering why, it's...

It's because he didn't vote for Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, it's because he didn't vote for Hillary Clinton and because unions assure things like anti-discrimination policies and fair wages.

And in case you weren't aware,

religion literally cannot do any of the shit they do when they have to follow those rules.

Yep.

Yeah, look, if nothing else, their fight against anti-discrimination rules in the name of anti-discrimination has proven that there's no amount of irony that can rip open space time.

So we've got that going for us.

That's true.

Yeah, that's comforting.

So what did the university have to say in defense of religiously union-busting?

Well, in an open letter to students and staff, acting president Dr.

Kimo Ayun said, quote, to protect the direct relationship with our faculty that is critical to our Catholic, Jesuit, intellectual life at Marquette, the university is invoking its legal right for religious exemption from National Labor Relations Board oversight.

Ultimately, the religious exemption is about the Constitution's First Amendment protection of religious freedom from government regulation.

Widely regarded as one of America's most important rights.

And real quote.

I think that's actually a quote from the eminent theologian, atheist Ayn Rand.

So that's fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you're going to, if you're going to do any atheist people stuff, don't take our worst fucking one.

Come on.

Yeah.

So, yeah, just a reminder that next time someone tells you they're worried about religious freedom, this is the bullshit that they're talking about.

and at this point if i was religious i'd be i don't know way more worried about dr chemo telling folks that jesus was a scab than i would be about anyone coming for the dumbest of my beliefs but you know what that's me there you go that's me and on that note we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's other sponsor aura frames

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And we're back.

And in more like Woahio news,

for many of us, the horrendous consequences of democracy are approaching slowly over the horizon.

We watch as they march ever closer towards our liberal bubbles, knowing that there's nothing we can do to stop them and that the notion we have of stopping them in the first place is inherently flawed.

But it's important to remember that for many in our nation, the horrors arrived long ago, set up camp and are building monuments to themselves and shit.

Which is why the people of Ohio are unsurprised this week that the Ohio State Senate passed Senate Bill 104, a transgender bathroom ban for all students in the state, including those in higher education.

All right.

Well, it's illegal for me to invite everyone to take a public shit in the Senate of Ohio while singing a delightful song about that.

So

I'm done with my thought.

Oh, okay.

All right.

No, look, if I'm a trans person in Ohio, the urge to just mail a box of my own feces to Senate Republicans with a note that says, well, then you dispose of it would just be overwhelming.

It sure would.

Sure would.

Now, the bill entitled the Protect All Students Act passed 24 to 7 and says in part, quote, a school shall designate each student restroom, locker room, changing room, or shower room that is accessible by multiple students at the same time, whether located in a school building or located in a facility used by the school for a school-sponsored activity for the exclusive use by students of the male biological sex only or by students of the female biological sex only.

End quote.

What?

No, no writer that ads and no kitty litter boxes.

Are you sure?

Oh, I bet you someone suggested it.

I bet you someone suggested it.

And look, this bill brings up all sorts of questions that dumb bigoted laws like this always bring up, because while the bill does have exemptions for children under 10 and people with disabilities, there's no understanding of enforcement, right?

Are people supposed to take a quick genetic test to make sure their alleles are in order before they get to pee?

Are they going to install bathroom monitors to check people's junk before they walk in?

No.

This is about preventing schools all the way up to the university level from making inclusive choices.

It's about making equality literally illegal.

Yeah.

Well, and speaking of illegal, again, it is illegal to invite everyone to a shit-in protest, even with such a delightful title as that.

It's illegal.

So I'm not doing that.

Interesting.

Yeah, the Republican project over the last 20 years has been to redefine the word equality in such a way that they never have to admit that they're against it.

And they're managing that shit.

Mm-hmm.

So look, I'm going to say something you're going to hear me talk about a lot over the next four years, which is this shit doesn't happen without participation.

Right.

A lot of the reason for systematic democracy is so that folks can go, oh, well, I participated at the voting booth, so I get to shrug my shoulders now.

Too bad the bad thing's happening.

But unfortunately, that isn't the case.

So whether you live in Ohio or not, when stuff like this gets passed, and it will, your job is to actively resist it in any way you can while staying physically safe and out of jail.

Because nobody gets to vote on that but you.

Unless you see one of the 24 lawmakers who voted for this thing using the bathroom, in which case you are a hardcore believer in this law and you are going to need proof of peen right away.

Do you hear me?

Right away.

And finally tonight, in DOD minus snooze.

Oh, well done.

Well done.

Donald Trump's nominee to be in charge of the entire Department of Defense is Christian Right lunatic Pete Hegseth.

We talked about him briefly while discussing other insane cabinet picks on the Skepticrat, but just in case you missed it he's an army veteran who never had a serious leadership position he's the author of a book about how diversity led to the downfall of the american military he supports a ban on women serving in combat and he's a host on fox and friends

weekend so he's not just a a member of the fox team he's a member of their bee team

and this is very important he looks like he got attacked by a very greasy comb inside a wind tunnel.

He sure does.

He sure does.

Yeah.

Podcast listener, leading up to the show, we were like, oh, should we do another story about cabinet appointments?

Because we already covered that on Skepticrat.

And then, you know, he appointed Dr.

Oz and Linda McMahon.

And we were like, you know what?

I think we've got fresh stuff to chat about.

I think we got some new tanks.

Right.

No, it's like the early parts of a Mega Man game where we're just establishing all the bosses and their powers.

All right.

So here's the latest on Pete Hegseth.

We got a reminder this week that he's been accused of sexual assault, paid the accuser to keep quiet in a settlement, and he has a tattoo that says Deus Volt, which means God wills it in Latin.

And that's a rallying cry used by Christian soldiers during the Crusades and also used by neo-Nazi hate groups right now.

Okay, I will have you know that I have a deep historical interest in the symbology of Hinduism and 88 is my favorite number.

I see it.

No, it's pretty fucked up that it's the get-ready, get-set, go of the Crusades isn't the most disturbing aspect of this, right?

Yep.

And a big thanks to Hemet Meta for covering the story over at The Friendly Atheist.

So, where does this leave us?

Well, we have to decide if the incoming Secretary of Defense has a neo-Nazi tattoo or if he's just really psyched about the Crusades.

So at best, he's a big Crusades enthusiast.

At best,

either that or he's a neo-Nazi enthusiast.

Or the correct answer, in my strong opinion, he is both.

Especially considering two other details about his tattoo selection.

And I didn't hear anybody talking about this.

First of all, Deus Volt is written in a font that is very similar to something called Frachtur, also known as the German typeface.

It was in regular use in Nazi Germany and remains in use today by neo-Nazi groups.

Could be a coincidence, but there's just so many fonts.

And again, best case scenario, he really likes the same font as literally Adolf Hitler by chance.

That's also a deal breaker.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And not to be a broken record about this, but if you're in a conversation with someone and you have to point out that someone's Nazi tattoo is in the Nazi font to convince convince them that maybe it's a bad thing.

Maybe don't waste your one precious life talking to that person.

Yeah.

So, and to be clear, like, this is a font that, like, if you saw that, you'd be like, oh, that's the Nazi font, right?

It's used for nothing else.

Yeah.

Although, pointing this out does increase the likelihood of those people then getting their Nazi tattoos in comic sans to like throw us off the scent, which I feel like that redeems the time investment a little bit.

It does.

Listen, if you share a favorite fucking ice cream with Adolf Hitler, you have to get a new one.

You just have to get a new one.

That's the rule.

And if you get an ice cream tattoo, you got to fucking check that shit and not do the one that Hitler likes.

That's true.

But he did love dogs, Heath.

How do you respond to that?

He was also a vegan, wasn't he?

Vegetarian.

Oh, all right.

Well,

in that case.

All right.

Well, fuck that guy.

Murderer.

Also worth noting, right next to the Deus Volt tattoo, Hegseth has an American flag with a modern assault rifle under it, which feels a lot closer to a Proud Proud Boys thing than a medieval crusader thing.

Yeah, at a certain point, let's do a crusade with assault rifles and I'm a Nazi aren't different propositions.

Right.

So what happens when someone points out a maybe

neo-Nazi tattoo?

Anna?

What are the guys talking about?

It's the newest, the greatest Christian freak out.

That's right.

We get a Christian freak out and cries of anti-Christian persecution.

And as if to prove just how stupid their persecution complex can get, they literally went full Godwin denier this time because the Godwin question was fully justified.

People were like, hey, I think that might be a neo-Nazi slogan.

And they were like, persecution.

And the out-freakers included J.D.

Vance, who responded to a related article from the Associated Press.

Well, actually, he responded to a tweet about the article that he clearly didn't read by posting, quote, they're attacking Pete Hegseth for having a Christian motto tattooed on his arm.

This is disgusting anti-Christian bigotry from the AP, and the entire organization should be ashamed of itself.

Yeah, wait till he hears how anti-Christian those assholes at the Hague are they are.

Well, yeah, look.

Listener, this is exactly the same as calling opposition to swastikas anti-Hindu bigotry, right?

It's exactly the same thing.

Correct.

And no word on the Associated Press listening to J.D.

Vance and releasing a statement of organizational shame yet.

We'll see how it goes.

Regardless, this would be a national meltdown for Republicans if the situation was reversed.

Like if a guy had God wills it written in Arabic on his arm and he got nominated for anything ever, we'd have militia lunatics scrambling stealth fighters that don't even fly that they think they have.

The guy could have, I love Jesus Christ written in Arabic.

And they can't.

Right.

But zooming back out, Pete Hegseth is a dumb, evil person and shouldn't be in charge of anything, regardless of tattoos.

That's the point.

Right.

Yeah.

Look, it's worth pointing out that even if this guy wasn't very obviously a Nazi, he'd still be a bad pick.

The Nazism

makes it worse.

Something I think we'll be saying a lot over the next four years.

Yeah.

And on that note, that note again being a neo-Nazi is about to be in charge of our nukes we're gonna wrap up the headlines and get under our desks for a bit uh heath eli thanks as always

and when we come back it'll start to get a little crowded in here

no no it's a deeper and uh paul's here

like this no no deeper than that deeper my voice i don't think my voice goes deeper it's true.

It doesn't.

Hey, guys.

You ready for some Bible piece theater?

You mean the part of the show where we act out the Bible so our listeners don't have to read it?

We sure are.

Jesus was about to die, right?

That's right.

He was.

Oh, man.

Kind of going to miss him.

Really?

I mean, Don's sassy gay version.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I get it.

Yeah.

No, me too.

Thank you.

But first, we're going to check in on Judas, who I assume is still me because I went to the pug cafe without you.

Correct.

How many more episodes?

Four.

I feel like your math is off on that no i am counting the d and d minus bonus content okay that's that's just weird i don't make the rules heath you do though yeah

hey jewish guys i mean it's the bible man you need to be more specific you know what i mean sure yeah so uh judas right um what what'd you want well look i've been thinking about it and It was wrong to betray Jesus.

So here, take your money back.

No, we don't

Well, I don't want it.

Take it for the temple.

What?

No, we can't take it for the temple.

It's blood money.

It's your money.

Yeah, but we gave it to you to kill a guy, so now it's blood money.

Ooh, you know what?

We could use it for a potter's field.

Oh, actually, you know, that's a great idea.

I love that.

Sorry, Noah, why are we spending so much time on Judas's refund policy?

The same reason we ever spend any time on anything in this book.

It's a Jeremiah prophecy.

Yeah.

So Jeremiah says, and they took 30 pieces of silver, the price of him that was valued, whom they of the children of Israel did value.

Right.

Got it.

Got it.

Okay.

Well, I'm off to

hang myself now.

Yeah, okay.

Did you want us to say something?

Well, I don't know.

I just thought you guys would probably try to stop me.

Nah.

No, we're good.

Oh, wow.

Enjoy.

Fine.

I'm gonna

go hang myself then.

You already said that.

Doing it.

Any second now.

I cannot wait for Tumblr to exist, so there's another place for this.

Same.

All right, so now it's time for Jesus to meet Pontius Pilate.

So you are Jesus.

I am.

And are you, as they say, king of the Jews?

You say that I am.

Uh

no, I was asking you.

Are you not going to respond?

Wow, okay, uh, boring conversation.

Well, um, are you aware what you're accused of?

Still nothing.

Great.

Uh.

Okay, well, uh,

fucking swoosh, I guess.

No swoosh.

Okay, uh, just kind of gonna wait here?

Still nothing.

Cool.

So, um, hey, have you guys ever noticed that when you're at the vomitorium, you never get the ass sponge first?

What is the deal with that?

Like, how early do you have to get there to get the

sponge?

Sponge for?

No?

Nothing.

Okay.

Okay, so since it's Passover, the governor likes to pardon one prisoner, so now it's time to choose that prisoner.

Wait, what?

Yeah, like a celebration thing.

Yeah, it's like pardoning the turkey.

Sorry.

Pardoning the turkey?

Yeah, the president, he pardons a turkey on Thanksgiving.

Dude, what are you talking about?

No, that's true.

Yeah.

What?

What's true?

The president pardons a turkey on Thanksgiving.

No, he does.

Absolutely not.

He does.

Google it.

You can't just make stuff up and say Google it.

No.

No.

He does, man.

You guys are fucking with me.

We're not.

People vote on the turkeys, and then he pardons one of them.

One of them, and then they murder the other one?

Well, that's like the implication, sure, but I don't think they usually actually go ahead and murder the other one.

Well, you know, now that now that he's saying it out loud, it does seem a little weird that we do that.

Oh, does it now?

Does it now seem weird on?

So anyway, anyway, the point is they do that in Rome, and the people are going to choose between Jesus and Barabbas, a well-known prisoner.

Okay, how is a prisoner well-known?

Well, in John.

For the record, if I had known about the turkey thing, I would have known for sure that Trump was going to win.

Okay, Heath, we're moving on.

So in John, he's described as a bandit, but in Luke and Mark, he's described as one of the rebels who fought the Romans.

Oh, okay.

That makes sense for the being known thing then, yeah.

In 2023, the turkeys were named Liberty and Belle.

Don.

Okay, I'm done.

Okay, Jews.

Who do you want me to spare?

Um, Pontius, honey.

Uh, yes, yes, darling.

I just

want to say for the record, I really think you shouldn't kill Jesus.

Yeah, I mean, well,

neither do I.

That's why I'm doing the pardoning thing, like right now.

It's just, I had a really bad dream last night.

Okay, okay, well, I'm doing the pardoning.

I don't know what else you want me to do here.

Wow, sorry for telling you anything.

It's like you're just picking a fight right now.

Anyway,

who do you all want to spare?

Spare Barabbas!

Yes!

Barabbas!

Right.

What shall happen to Jesus?

Crucify him!

Why so?

What evil hath he done?

Crucify him?

Okay, you know what?

I wash my hands of this.

You guys want to kill him?

You kill him.

Oh, well, if you want to kill him, kill him.

Great job defending Jesus, honey.

What do you want me to do here?

If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.

His blood be on us and on our children.

All right, relax there, Mel Gibson.

What is in the Bible?

So now it's time to crucify Jesus.

Oh, oh, I have an idea.

What if we actually do it to Don?

Wait, do what?

Do what to Don?

We crucify Don.

What?

Think of the headlines, right?

Podcast host, crucified to prove point of religion's harms.

Aww.

You think of me as a host on the podcast?

Really, Don?

That's what you took away from that.

Well, I'm just trying to be a positive person.

We are not touching a hair on Don's head.

I mean, he's bald.

You're bald.

I'm balding.

There's a difference.

Guys, guys, Eli has a point.

I knew it.

Don, are you left or right-handed?

No, not about that part.

I mean that the crucifixion is used to stir up like emotions of sympathy and stuff, and we shouldn't give in to that.

Exactly.

That was my point.

Oh, was it?

okay so like keep it light i guess keep it light exactly keep it light

all right jesus you uh ready to be crucified

oh i guess uh just get it over with hey hey guys guys look i put this crown of thorns on him because he's the king of the jews right oh hail the king of the jews okay you're you're making it weird man what i'm just having some fun hey buddy uh wait what's your name um Me?

I'm Simon.

Simon, you gotta carry Jesus's cross.

I actually, I can't.

I have brunch plans, so.

Do it or we'll kill you.

This cross right here.

That's the one.

Yeah.

Yep.

Got it.

All right.

All crucified.

How you doing up there, Jesus?

Oh, my God.

My balls itch.

Hey, did you guys see the sign I put up there?

Jesus, king of the Jews.

Yeah, we saw it.

Yeah.

It's because of the crown bit you guys liked earlier.

I don't think we said we liked that bit.

Ah, I feel like you luled, right?

Lul.

So you guys want to gamble for his clothes?

What is with you, man?

It's in the prophecy.

That last prophecy.

All right, fine, fine.

But I get to be the hat.

No, I called permanent hat.

You can't call permanent hat.

Hey, Jesus.

Jesus, if you're the son of God, why don't you come down from here?

Yeah.

Why can't you save yourself?

Nice.

Nice.

Thank you.

You two are literally being crucified with me.

Yeah, but we didn't say we're the son of God, man.

That was you.

Okay, yeah, that's a fair point.

So now it's time for Jesus to die.

But like, actually, for realsies this time.

Hey, did you notice that the sun has been out?

for like the last three hours like

you know i i did i did i just thought it was like a cloud or something but uh right i thought a cloud too oh god why have you forsaken me he's calling for elijah let's see if elijah comes to save him

okay what why do they think jesus is calling for elijah right so there are two theories here one is that they misheard him In the Bible?

I didn't say they were both good theories.

The second theory is that it's people mocking him because of the prophecy that Elijah would come back before the Messiah.

Like, you know, know, better get Elijah here quick.

The Messiah is dying, kind of a thing.

Man.

Crucifixion's really roast.

It's like, it's much roastier than you would think.

Yeah.

You know what?

What was that?

It was the temple.

It broke in two.

Are those fucking zombies?

Yeah, those appear to be zombies.

Ah, fuck.

You think he was the Messiah?

Yeah, man, I think he was the Messiah.

Okay, well, if you don't have guns, you spear the zombies in the head.

I don't know what to tell you.

Hello, are you Pontius Pilate?

Yeah, man.

Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm Joseph of Arimathea.

I'm here to buy Jesus's body.

Yeah, all right.

You can have it, man.

I'm kind of dealing with zombies and earthquakes and stuff.

Go ahead.

Nice.

They're giving away free bodies in there.

No, no, no.

I'm just doing this one.

Well, someone giving away free bodies?

Damn it?

See what you did?

I'm suck.

Sorry.

Okay, so have we tried like a big thread on the temple?

Excuse me, Pontius Pilate.

Hi, yeah.

Can I help you?

It's about Jesus.

The guy you killed and it made zombies.

Yeah, no, I've heard of him.

What now?

What's going on?

So when he was alive, he said he'd die and come back in three days.

And then the zombies go away?

He actually didn't say.

But we were wondering if you could put a guard outside his tomb so that his followers don't come and steal his body and say that he rose from the dead.

You have guards.

Go guard the body yourselves.

I mean,

I guess we could use our own gods.

Great.

And if he comes back, by the way,

we'll ask about the zombies.

Thank you.

Can you believe this is the first time I'm being fucking introduced?

You think you've got it bad?

I'm Jesus' mother, and they call me the other Mary in this passage.

Just the other Mary.

Okay, yeah, that's fucking rough.

Hey, you ladies, be not afraid and junk.

Oh, God, not you again.

Who the fuck is this, Brian?

She told me I was pregnant.

She's a paramedic at an Imagine Dragon show?

No, she's an angel, and

she's here to roll the rock back.

You said it, sister.

Ready?

All right, there you go.

Are you just gonna sit there now?

Bible says I rolled back the rock and sat on it.

All right, so you guys want some jerky or what are we doing?

No.

Is it shrimp?

Anyway, you should go tell the disciples that Jesus is back and shit.

We will, angel.

Answer the question.

Is it shrimp or what?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Are you fucking Peter?

Yes, and I'm a follower of Jesus, by the way, in case you're wondering.

Too little, too late.

Okay, Other Mary.

I'm literally his mom.

Behold, followers, I have returned.

Oh, wow.

What?

Indeed, it is I, Jesus.

Tell everyone that I...

Now, wait a fucking sucker!

Uh,

sorry?

You told me to come down here and fucking tell everyone you were back, and now you're stealing my fucking thunder right now

Yeah, but I'm Jesus I'm fucking pregnant

Okay

Anyway anyway anyway

Jesus is back and he's gonna meet in Galilee

Meanwhile the priests are bribing the guards

Hey gods if anyone asks Jesus's followers came and stole his body, okay?

Okay, but why would we say that?

Just, you know, if anyone's arguing about this while Matthew is being written, I'm letting you know right now: the Jews who killed Jesus, we started that rumor.

Got it.

It's a little sloppy.

Tell me about it.

All right, here we are, the disciples.

That's right.

And this is where Jesus said he would be.

Hey, disciples, it's me, Jesus.

Amazing.

Seriously, dude?

Sorry, man.

Bible says some of us doubted.

So I am not convinced.

Okay, weird vibes, but anyway, go tell everyone how awesome I am.

Okay, thanks.

Bye.

Amen.

And that's Matthew.

Phew.

So what did we learn?

Yeah,

the story of Jesus.

No, I know it's the story of Jesus, but like, what's the message of Matthew compared to to the other books?

Right.

Okay.

So, well, like I said, Matthew is about settling arguments between early proto-Christians about what Jesus was all about.

Oh, like a sales pitch.

Don't love that terminology.

Yeah, it kind of.

Got it.

Got it.

I'll take it from here.

Is this going to be problematic?

Not if I sing it.

Anna?

Listen up, my fellow Jews.

I come with happy news.

So happy that you're sure to do a jig.

The Savior's time has come.

So so get up your bunch of bums.

Cause at last this means we all can eat some pink.

You might grow a smaller nose, wear some color in your clothes, build the prophecy that stands in holy text.

Which means that you and me can have a shrimp or two or three and throw out that holy sheet we use for sex.

What?

Google it.

Jesus, gonna free us.

If it please us, we'll be smoothly shaven.

Mixed fuss.

Now, who needs them?

Have some ham.

Cause it turns out we were wrong.

Hams, clams, baconator.

Here comes the masaya.

Such and masangaya.

Let's join Zempaya to escape the hellfire.

Polo shirts, Christmas trees, names like Karen and Chet.

But then again, what about our history?

We survived 2,000 years of miseries.

Can we really betray our fathers?

Fathers, fathers, fathers.

Eh,

hands, clams, bacon, neighbor.

Here comes the Messiah.

Such and the Sangaya.

Let's join his empire to escape the hellfire.

Country clubs, Disneyland, girls who swallow when you come.

Thank you, Anna, for always bringing the house down.

And before we snuff the candle this week, I want to congratulate friend of the show, Jeff Blackwell, who is now the legal director for American Atheists.

We're very excited, both for our friend Jeff and for the organization that is so lucky to have him.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 20,044 minutes this time.

Well, actually, no, sorry, it's 20,104 minutes this time because we're taking next week off.

There will be a citation-needed episode on Wednesday, but Gam and Scathing are going to be off until the following week.

Obviously, I can't zip the show all the way up until I thank Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick for eventually talking me into taking a holiday off, like all the way off for the first time in 11 years.

It was a tough fight.

They've been arguing with me for a while about that.

I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who's going to have to put up with a lot more me than usual for that week.

I also want to thank Don and Cecil for helping out with Bible Beast Theater again this week.

I want to thank Anna one more time for her incredible contributions to the show.

I also want to thank Ben for this week's Barnesworth quote and for trying his best.

We all came up short on this one.

Try not to beat yourself up about it, bro.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most voluptuous vertebrates, Suzanne Skiff, potato, potato, and other potato, Travis, John, Nick, Josh, Jen, Noel, and Kathy.

Suzanne, Skiff, and the potatoes, who are so hot they don't need an oven to cook Thanksgiving dinner.

Travis, John, Nick, and Josh, who are so central they can't stuff a turkey without giving it an orgasm.

And Jen, Noel, and Kathy, who are so devilish, there's talk of renaming those eggs after them.

Together, these 10 or 12, if you count each potato separately, conscientious objectors to the absurdity of the reality around them conscientiously objected to it by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help, but money is a thing that you'll think about maybe having some of again in January, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking to social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineers Morton Morton Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

Nope.

One more time.

But you had it.

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