608: Contractually Obligated Edition

Suffs, the new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We the man to be honored!

Winner, best score!

We the man to be seen!

Winner, best book!

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaySF.com

Arkansas is for explorers, seekers, and trailblazers.

So come hike a trail, get on a bike, hop in a kayak, or just pack a bag and see where the road takes you in the natural state.

Plan your adventure at Arkansas.com.

Warning, the following podcast contains references to the body parts we're supposed to pretend don't exist in polite company.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Mint Mobile, and by my effort to change change the name to Hura Abel's and see if that makes them stop killing motherfuckers.

And now, the scathing atheist.

Autumn greetings, everyone.

It's time for bonfires, apple picking, pumpkin spice, and spooky stories.

And that means it's also time to please get your annual COVID and flu shots so you can be with us to celebrate many more seasons to come.

Now, once again, help me start the music.

We did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday.

It's October 10th.

And it's National Depression Screening Day.

And yep, still got it, I think.

Damn, thanks for checking.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Ethan Wright.

And from Muhammad Alise, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Ross, Georgia, this is the Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, Jerry falls well into our show again.

Harvard scientists give us the real story about underground lizard alien angels.

And C.S.

Lewis explains that he could have sex with a woman anytime he wanted and enjoy it.

But first,

the diatribe.

I'm about goddamn tired of hearing what a miracle it all was.

As many of you know, my town got walloped pretty hard by Hurricane Helene.

Now, on the scale of towns that got hit by Helene, we did all right.

But on the scale scale of storms that have hit Way Cross, Georgia, this is the worst thing in living memory.

And it may very well be that the worst hit spot in the entire fucking city was my backyard.

No fewer than five trees dominoed their way into it and landed in a giant wooden knot.

It's so bad, in fact, that I honestly cannot tell you how many trees are down back there.

Now, fortunately, Lucinda and I weren't in town when all this happened.

We were still on vacation when the storm rolled through, so we got to avoid the scary part and just come home to the aftermath.

And we've got family in town, so they already reported back about the important stuff.

Our cats were fine.

Our yard was bad, but it wasn't catastrophically bad.

It could have been.

It got really close, in fact.

One giant Georgia pine had fallen right between my house and my garage with less than five feet clearance on either side.

And so naturally, whenever people see that tree now,

When they see how close it came to smooshing my house and they see all the snarl of giant pines Lincoln logging their way through my backyard, they almost cannot help but tell me what a miracle it all is.

And I get the sentiment.

I'm trying to be sympathetic to it.

Every single fucking person, every family member, every neighbor, the lineman that came out and got my power back on, the tree removal guys, my weed guy, the mail carrier, the UPS driver, the Uber Eats lady, all of them have taken it upon themselves to attribute my good fortune to divine intervention.

It's a miracle.

It's It's the hand of God.

It looks like somebody was looking out for you.

Motherfuckers, that somebody just dropped five trees on my shit.

So let's just start with how insensitive it is to tell somebody whose property was just weather fucked how lucky they are.

I mean, look, I agree.

I'm really lucky that nothing completely destroyed my home.

But so are all the other people in my neighborhood.

And most of those motherfuckers don't have five goddamn trees down in their backyard.

In fact, of all the homes in my town that weren't destroyed in the storm, I may very well be the least lucky.

If we're going to invoke divine intervention here, it looks way more like their God was tossing shit at my house and missing than that he was holding shit back.

None of the goddamn trees down there started out in my backyard, right?

So it feels like the better interpretation, if you want to put a religious spin on this shit, is that God was pushing all the trees towards the atheist yard so his followers wouldn't have to deal with that shit.

Because to be clear, there is damage.

Nothing fell through my house, but plenty of shit fell on it.

One corner of the roof is all smashed in.

The beautiful bamboo fence that the previous owner built is completely wrecked.

One of the windows in the garage is broken.

The skylight over the kitchen is cracked.

And we discovered five days after when we got our first big fucking rain that there's a huge leak in the roof over my bedroom.

And yes, when you compare us to the hundreds of people who lost their lives and the thousands of people who lost their family members, we are very fortunate.

But when you compare us to pretty much everybody else, we kind of got fucked.

And it feels really weird to be repeatedly told how miraculous the five figures worth of damage to your home is.

But it isn't just frustrating and dismissive.

It's also disrespectful as all hell to the people who didn't fare as well as we did, right?

God looked out from my house, my atheist house, but not the Christian firefighter one town over who was killed in the storm while he was on an emergency call.

God found the time to mostly nudge the trees out of the way of my house, but he didn't divert the waters that wiped out whole towns in North Carolina.

He spared my property, but not the 230-plus human lives that the storm took?

If he did, then fuck him.

And if he didn't, and he didn't, then fuck anybody who would imply otherwise.

Because no, the fact that my fucking house didn't get more fucked isn't a miracle, but there were miracles.

The miracles were the linemen that came from hundreds of miles away and worked 80-hour weeks to get us back to normal.

The miracles were the emergency workers who went out in the middle of that storm, the community groups that popped up to distribute clean water the next morning.

My wife driving hundreds of miles back and forth to the nearest operating grocery store to buy diapers for people she's never met.

The dozens of people who reached out to offer us a place to stay, the hundreds of people who reached out to offer other kinds of help, all the neighbors that pitched in to clear one another's yards and get the fucking roads back open.

Ours was a town awash in miracles, but they were the kind of miracles you can't see if if you're looking up.

They're talking about your Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Visa and MasterCard to my Amex Heath Enright and Eli Bosnik.

Fellas, are you ready to charge ahead?

Sorry, I don't want to do a correction on air, but I'm very clearly the Amex of this podcast.

Not everyone can take me, and it's my fault.

No, strike me more as a discover card.

Okay, that's the meanest thing you've ever said to me, Heath Enright.

Wow.

All right, well, Eli takes a good time.

We're going to pause for a word from this week's first sponsor, Stamps.com.

HR.

Okay, what about Wednesday at midnight?

No, I've got the bird box monsters.

Still.

Yeah.

Landlord said he was going to send somebody out last week, but nobody showed up.

Hey, fellas.

What you doing?

We're just trying to find a time to run to the post office, but Noah's dealing with some local challenges if you know what i mean oh oh tuesday at 3 a.m the hurricanes usually take care of the blood wolves could we go then i think it's closed at 3 a.m also are those wolves made of blood or wolves who drink blood yeah uh-huh

okay cool so um if you guys want to save yourselves time and hassle at the post office why don't you try stamps.com what's stamps.com from small businesses to multi-location organizations stamps.com handles all your mailing and shipping needs wherever, whenever.

With stamps.com, you can access the USPS and UPS mailing services you need to run your business right from your computer or phone anytime, day or night.

No lines, no traffic, no waiting.

Wow, Heath, that sounds great, but will it save me money?

Sure will.

With Stamps.com, you'll get rates you can't find anywhere else, like up to 89% off USPS and UPS.

Plus, you can order shipping and mailing supplies, labels, and even printers from the supply store when you run low.

All right, Heath, I'm in.

Where do I sign up?

Free up more time for more important business with stamps.com.

Sign up at stamps.com and enter the code scathing for a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale.

No long-term commitments or contracts.

That's stamps.com code scathing.

Fantastic, Heath.

Thanks.

Oh, guys, give me a second.

There's another chainsaw tornado.

I gotta move into the basement.

You have to move from your house now.

Can't hear you.

I'm ducking chainsaws.

Okay.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, we've been doing this show long enough now that some of our regulars have come and gone.

And when they go, that's universally a good thing because the way you become a regular on this show is by being fucking awful.

But there's also a part of me that misses them once they're gone.

You know, you spend enough time considering what genital infliction a person's visage most looks like, and you almost feel like you get to know them, which is why, as terrible a thing as it is from a moral perspective, I'm actually kind of giddy to report that Jerry Falwell Jr.

and Liberty University have settled their lawsuits against one another, kissed, and made up.

And now, Falwell Jr.

is back on Liberty U's campus like nothing ever fucking happened.

That's dangerous.

And short up, Pat Robertson rising from the dead to tell us about the secondhand sweater his soul had been trapped in for the last 17 months.

There is no piece of shit I am happier to welcome back to the show.

Imagine getting expelled from school for watching a PG-13 movie by a guy who took a header through his front door after watching a guy fuck his wife.

Right.

Yeah.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I'm not listening to that guy about the movie laws or whatever, but I'm definitely asking that guy some questions, right?

Like he's got some lessons about life.

Ducity, though.

Yeah, so quick refresher.

Jerry Falwell Jr.

came from the penis of a man who speculated on the sexual orientation of teletubbies and it was just downhill from there.

After his influential father's death, he took over the family business in the lying industry, and he proceeded to do so much ridiculous shit that it felt for a while like he was trying to rob us of the power of exaggeration.

He's a disruptor in the lying.

Right, yeah, exactly.

So now this included, but was not limited to, public drunkenness, tweeting out evidence of said public drunkenness.

private drunkenness that became public after he fell down the stairs and then locked all his fucking doors so the paramedics couldn't get in

And of course, jerking off to the pool boy, fucking his wife.

Also, he did genuinely bad stuff, right, that involves covering up sexual assault and misappropriating university funds.

But none of that stuff was ever the reason that he got fired or banned from campus.

Yeah, it's fun how the harder he falls and Christianized, the more we liked him and vice versa.

Right, yeah.

Whenever I think about Christian morality, it's like, you know, going to a party and having somebody with the same dress on.

It's like, okay, I guess one of us needs to change.

Right, yeah.

Now, of course, after he was fired, Falwell sued the university for making him look bad by saying all the stuff that he did out loud.

And then they sued him for making them look bad by just existing in three-dimensional space.

And the crux of Falwell Jr.'s lawsuit, and a good indication as to why the university was eager to settle it quick, was the fact that Liberty University overlooked sexual deviance on their staff all the fucking time.

And his lawsuit literally gives an example list that includes, quote, a former president, a former dean, a former provost, and a current executive committee member, end quote.

Yeah.

And so, aided no doubt by that as yet unnamed current executive committee member, they found it in themselves to all forgive, forget, and drop their respective lawsuits.

Guys, if we make it to Discovery, everyone is going to jail.

So why don't we all just lower

our blackmail sex crime pistols by a count of three.

It's like that Spider-Man meme, but, you know, sex crime onesies pointing at HIV.

Exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

And I should be clear that Falwell didn't like slink back onto campus and make an awkward apology for all the harm he'd caused to the university's reputation and its student body.

In fact, he didn't even acknowledge that that was why he was away the whole time.

He's literally pretending he was away because of an illness.

He came back during homecoming.

He got a hero's welcome and a primo reserved fucking seat for the football game.

And the same goes for his wife, who, it should be remembered, is also credibly accused of sexually predatory behavior against a Liberty student.

Yeah, I was going to say, imagine if a male teacher had crawled into a student's bed on a field trip, but Liberty would probably have had the same reaction.

No, that's the thing.

Exactly.

So, yeah.

So, bad for literally everyone except for Jerry and Becky Falwell,

whoever they're blackmailing, and the people who make fun of Christian hypocrisy for a living.

So with all the appropriate sympathies in the world to the rest of y'all, welcome back, Jerry.

Yeah, fair.

And in reversal, reversal, reversal news.

You know, it's hard to pick a worst thing that Christians do.

Sure, there's stuff like the Spanish Inquisition and the Crusades.

Those are popular picks, but here in the US of A in 2024, I think crisis pregnancy centers might just take the cake.

These lying Christian centers of lying do their best to fool desperate pregnant pregnant women into thinking that they're healthcare facilities.

And then they use a bunch of bullshit pressure tactics to try to prevent women from getting an abortion.

And while their right to lie has sadly been thoroughly defended in court, they haven't, up to this point, been able to give out medical misinformation.

Well, this week, a Christian organization of pregnancy centers is looking to change all that, challenging the California Attorney General's attempts to apply the state's business fraud statutes to their promotion of, quote, abortion pill reversal.

They're suing to do fraud.

That's what's happening.

I need the judge to make it super clear how stupid this is at every moment.

Just like, all right, welcome to court.

I just want to be clear, though, from the top.

You're suing because you want to do fraud.

Is that correct?

Yep, yep.

Looking to do some fraud.

You're looking to do some fraud.

Cool.

I'm just going to need you to say that out loud, but like every time you start talking for the whole thing.

I got it.

Absolutely.

What did I just say?

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

I want to do fraud.

Yes, absolutely.

Great, great.

Also, no doing fraud, gavel.

Well, but Heath, what if it sincerely held fraud?

Getting ahead of me, no lusion.

Still gavel.

I'm still, I'm hitting it still.

Still, yeah.

So, first off, big thanks to the folks over at Religion Clause for delivering us this story.

Religion Clause does a fantastic job of rounding up the religious news around the world over on their blog.

And you should check them out.

If the raw sex appeal of folks like us and Hemet Meta, it's too distracting.

Yeah, we've tried dialing back the omnipresent sexual magnetism of our podcasting, but as I'm sure you can tell, we just

cannot

turns out you can't turn down the volume when the TV is muted.

How dare you.

So if you're not familiar, because you're not a liar or a crazy person, abortion pill reversal is the claim that if you you take a bunch of progesterone in between the two doses of medically induced abortion, you can reverse that first attempt at abortion.

And it is, of course, bullshit.

There is no evidence to back up the claims that these clinics make that, quote, thousands of lives have been saved with abortion pill reversal.

And the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, you know, the doctors, they call the procedure, quote, unproven and unethical, end quote.

And there is is evidence for that.

Yeah.

And even if it did work, you're trying to kill a baby and eat hot chip.

So saving thousands of lives is fucking up your plan that you're doing.

Stopping chemo might save thousands of perfectly viable cancer cells, but that'sn't that's an argument for our side.

Right.

We win when you say that.

But this thing, even if they weren't lying about it working, they'd still be lying about it saving thousands of lives.

Right.

Yes, exactly.

So, and look, I want to point out there is no challenge to setting up a fucking Venus flytrap for pregnant ladies or dressing people up like nurses who are not nurses.

But you're not allowed to give out fake medical treatments, which to be clear, these clinics do.

So the California Attorney General has been enforcing fraud statutes against them because

what they're doing is fraud.

This is the word.

Yeah.

And like I said at the beginning, these pregnancy centers are now suing the California Attorney General to let them keep doing fraud.

And there is a very, very high likelihood that they will win.

Regular listeners will remember that a federal judge enforced an injunction against New York Attorney General Letitia James back in August for doing the exact same thing.

Right.

Right.

Because the law under this fucking court is down to now.

Can I convincingly pretend to believe this to people who want to be convinced?

Fraud.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So yeah they trick you into having a baby centers are now handing out fake medicine and pretty soon they'll be doing it with legal protections for that fake medicine it's nice to know that there's still plenty of work cut out for us

and next up in headlines we have a story about a very important new book that just came out and um eli i think we're gonna need your help getting some of the language just right.

You have some expertise?

Oh, absolutely.

In Ameja Mengwar News.

Yeah, okay, so I'll translate as best I can.

I think that was in I Made a Memoir News.

And here's what happened.

Melania Trump released her new book last week because she has about a month left on her shred of relevance in the world.

The book is called Eli.

Mugrania.

Melania.

And it tells the story of being someone who chose to marry Donald Trump and breed with him.

And just like with other memoirs written by former first first ladies, like the autobiography of Eleanor Roosevelt or Becoming by Michelle Obama, we get a nuanced explanation of American politics through the lens of someone with a unique perspective.

For example, you might be wondering why Melania Trump never denounced the violent J6 coup attempt.

And that's for two reasons.

First, it's because

counting is confusing.

Here's the quote about that from the book, Eli.

You can't conclude to count the votes for days, which is what they did.

It was a mess.

I think that was, you can't continue to count votes for days, which is what they did.

It was a mess.

I'm just, I'm impressed that there was a part of the book she didn't encrypt from Michelle's book.

So there you go.

And the second reason is that Melania and her team.

were busy with something super important on January 6th.

So she couldn't denounce it.

Remember all the amazing renovations that Melania did in the White House?

That's what they were working on that day.

And she never denounced the violent mob because her press secretary never told her what was happening that day.

According to Melania, quote, my team was already behind schedule and focused on the time.

My team was already behind schedule and focused on the task.

Oh.

Well, then I guess in this book, she then goes on to condemn it right now that she knows about it and isn't too busy with fucking hedges or whatever.

Blood red Christmas tree.

I didn't read the entire book, so maybe that's what happened.

We'll see.

We also learned about the real story of Melania's jacket that she was wearing during a trip to the border with Mexico in 2018.

The jacket said, I really don't care.

Do you?

You, just the letter you.

And it seemed like a super shitty thing to wear at that moment, which led to lots of criticism in the media.

Well, turns out the jacket was actually the media's fault because they were being mean to her already.

In fairness, genuinely, some of the media coverage about Melania was terrible, including shitty people who wrote about her work as a nude model as if that's a bad thing.

But there was also plenty of legitimate criticism, for example, agreeing with anything the Republican Party was doing, which she did sometimes.

Regardless, according to Melania, she was getting back at the media by wearing the jacket.

And she added, quote,

we are living in a dangerous time when it comes to her and

we are living in a dangerous time when it comes to journalism.

Yeah, that's just what Vladimir Putin says.

Well, locking eyes with journalists, Melania.

Well done.

Great way to echo that.

And that brings us to the biggest revelation in the book.

Melania came out as firmly pro-choice.

She did.

Yeah.

It's hard to enjoy a moment of enlightenment when other parts of the book included her condemnation of the quote inflammatory rhetoric of the Black Lives Matter movement, but Jesus.

Here we are.

And if you're wondering if Melania posted a video last week further explaining her stance from the book, yes, she did.

And if you're wondering if people are describing it as a perfume ad for abortion by Chanel, yes, they are, for sure.

Here's what she had to say, starting with some dramatic perfume commercial violin music: quote:

In the lilr treadum, in the fundamental reason,

that I self-jar.

Without a gap, there is no room for coprepes.

Our is a gentle right that all women possess from birth.

Inguigible puibum.

What does it mean?

My body, my choice.

Really mean,

baby.

That was no idea, actually.

It was the sound of Tall Tyler ripping out his bowels through his nostrils.

And just one other detail on the story.

Melania did an interview to plug her book last week with Sean Hannity on Fox News.

And somehow, Melania being pro-choice never came up in that interview with Sean Hannity.

I don't know.

Maybe that's just an old issue that's not really relevant anymore.

Sean Hannity is a big pro-choice.

Well, yeah, Fox News and Sean Hannity, they get their finger on the pulse of American culture more than I do, admittedly.

We'll see if that topic pops up in any big political things that happen in the next month or so.

But like, like, otherwise, I guess it's not a big deal.

Otherwise, it's fine.

Do you guys have the experience of you read about people that are in our bits and you like them because they're in our sketches?

And then you have to remember they're a real evil human?

I don't know.

That's how I felt reading this story is I was like, oh, Melania.

And I was like, nope, that's just a fun goof.

You wrote.

She's just a shitty lady.

Yep.

Yep.

And on that reminder, we're going to pause for a word from our other sponsor this week, Mint Mobile.

Bing Jobo.

Welcome to Generic Cell Phone Company.

Can I help you?

Hi, yeah.

I wanted to see if I could get a deal on my cell phone coverage.

You guys are costing me an arm and a leg.

Oh, yeah, we're about to.

What?

Oh, well, if you want a deal, you're going to have to make it through the hexagon.

The hexagon?

Five layers of the most dangerous traps known to man.

Many enter, few survive with a deal on cell phone coverage.

Or you could just sign up for Mint Mobile.

Oh, hey,

what's Mint Mobile?

I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks.

It has to be easy.

No hoops, no BS.

So when Mint Mobile said it would be easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three-month plan, I called them on it.

It turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for $15 a month.

The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold waiting to break up with my old provider.

Do they have a hexagon?

They did, actually, yeah.

Oh, those copycats.

Okay, I'm not sure, Noah.

Do I have to get a new phone?

Nope.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network.

You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts.

You know what?

That sounds great.

Where do I sign up?

To get this new customer offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash scathing.

That's mintmobile.com slash scathing.

Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash scathing.

$45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month.

New customers on first three-month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan.

Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply.

See Mint Mobile for details.

All right.

Thanks, Noah.

So, yeah, sorry.

I guess I don't need the

hexagon or whatever you said.

Oh, yeah.

So, I guess I'll just put the manticore back in his cage then.

Yes.

Wow.

And in the devil's advocate news, every couple of years, a kid gets really sick and dies.

Cool.

That's the setup.

Yeah, let's do some comedy.

I mean, a kid, let me put it, a kid gets sick and dies all the time, but every couple of years, they die and come back.

By which I mean they don't die.

Yeah, jokes are just right in themselves, Eli.

And

what happens when that happens is Christians lose their mind, heavily suggest to that kid that they saw heaven while they were out, and then they write a book and a movie with Greg Kinnear about it.

And look, we usually don't talk about those stories for a couple of reasons.

One, it tends to happen to kids who are sick a lot.

And a lot of the time, those kids die pretty soon after they're done being used as a prop by Oprah or whatever.

And two, two,

my four-year-old told me I had a dinosaur on my head during bedtime last week.

It's not the kind of lie that deserves our usual

right, yes.

But

this week, we have a counter, a voice for reason, if you will, from none other than Albert Pacino.

Alfredo.

Maybe you've heard of him?

Well, they've heard of Alfredo.

Revealed to the New York Times that he had a near-death experience back in 2020 this week, and he didn't see fucking shit.

It's pretty great.

Well, it's either that or he got to heaven and everybody was like, hoah, remember?

Remember, son of a a woman?

You were going to say, hoah!

And he immediately came back to earth and now he's an atheist.

That's possible too.

Or, yeah, because, and he didn't see shit because God was making him blind for the sake of the bit.

Right.

It was a callback.

He was conspiring.

Yeah.

So the movie buffs in our audience will know Mr.

Pacino from films like Jack and Jill, Geely, and 88 Minutes, as well as some others.

I don't know.

But as I said, back in 2020, according to him, he had a near-death experience.

According to the actor, quote, I was sitting there in my house and I was gone like that.

I didn't have a pulse.

I had about six paramedics in that living room and there were two doctors and they had these outfits on that looked like they were from outer space or something.

It was kind of shocking to open your eyes and see that.

Everybody was around me and they said, he's back.

He's here.

Oh, thank God you're back.

So you can do like a big yellow speech.

Or like, look,

oh, get the fuck out.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah,

sorry.

All right.

I'm still hung up on why he thought paramedics looked like they were from outer space.

That makes no goddamn sense.

No, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Also, Eli might need paramedics if he has to do the Al Pacino voice for you.

That's true.

Yeah, I've got one more quote, and I don't know if I can make it through.

So, what messages and deeper truths did Alfredo bring back from the other side?

Thank you, Heath.

I cannot get over it.

Well, continuing the quote, I didn't see the white light or anything.

There's nothing there.

As Hamlet says, to be or not to be.

I don't think that's what Hamlet was talking about.

The undiscovered country from whose born no traveler returns.

And he says two words: no more.

It was no more.

You're gone.

I never thought about it in my life.

But you know, actors.

Sounds good to say I died once.

What is it when there's no more?

Okay, I love how honest it was from Pacino.

I listened to the interview, and the New York Times guy, David Marchese, was clearly hoping for like a big mystical revelation.

He says to Pacino, hey, I bet you experienced some crazy, like, metaphysical ripples, huh?

And Pacino says, no.

Pacito clearly felt bad for the guy, so he gave the quote from Hamlet to try to like help out.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

But the point is, there's a big check in the atheist column for near-death experiences.

Also, I'd argue our full-grown man of the world understands a lot more about what he sees than some kid with cancer.

Or perhaps God, like all of us, just got way too nervous to introduce himself to Mr.

Pacino.

Yes.

Oh, I wonder if Greg Kinnear will play Al Pacino in the movie about this.

Ho-wah.

I'll get you out of order, motherfucker.

Yeah.

What happened to Greg?

We talked about that on the cam episode.

It's fine.

It's fine.

You can listen to that.

And finally, tonight.

In SETI or not, here they come news.

Nice.

Fantastic.

Harvard says we have underground alien dinosaur angels that fly UFOs.

That's what what they've been working on lately over at Harvard.

And this is, I would say, big if true.

Yeah.

No, I agree.

According to a new paper entitled The Crypto-Terrestrial Hypothesis, a case for scientific openness to a concealed earthly explanation for unidentified anomalous phenomena, there might be underground alien dinosaur angels.

that would explain all the UFOs people are seeing or UAPs more accurately.

I just, I love it so much when the paper's hypothesis is so insane.

They can't hide it behind their verbose titles.

Oops, saw big food.

Thank you very much.

And a big thanks to Owen for sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Owen gets a place in the bunker for the impending war against the alien dinosaur angels.

Fantastic.

And he can have some of Eli's freeze-dried soy protein if you want to.

Stop giving away my food.

Just share some.

Don't prolong it.

We're not gonna win that's true so i learned about the new study from earlier this year thanks to owen and thanks to a recent article in the prominent science publication called popular mechanics according to science journalist john scott lewinski quote alien crypto terrestrials could be secretly hiding deep underground Harvard scientists claim.

Such ancient or non-human beings could reside somewhere inside the earth or under the oceans, they say.

Yeah, man, they could be up your butt in a hazelnut, too.

That doesn't make it newsworthy.

Popular mechanics and the learning channel took turns that are really depressingly reflective of society, and I wish they had.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, but here's the thing.

The paper isn't just from Harvard University.

That would not be entirely credible, right?

Sure.

It was actually written by a research team from Harvard and the Montana Technological University.

And they argue that UAP sightings, quote, may reflect activities of intelligent beings concealed in stealth here on Earth, e.g., underground, and or its near environs, e.g.

the moon, and or even

walking among us.

And if you don't understand what that means, e.g., passing as humans.

I guess they felt like they needed an EG for all of them.

Yeah.

But they left out selectively invisible like the predator, which is just sloppy science, if you ask me.

Thank you.

Yeah.

My hypothesis is that they shrunk us down a few years ago while we were asleep, and now they walk around on Earth all regular sized and we just can't see them because of that.

Where's my paper?

I ask.

Talk to Harvard.

You might get one.

Yeah.

So in fairness to this research team, the study does admit up front that their claim and their title and everything they say is, quote, likely to be regarded skeptically by most most scientists.

That was the epistemological highlight of the paper right there.

And then they added, nonetheless, our theory deserves genuine consideration in a spirit of epistemic humility and openness.

Nope, nope, that's not how deserves works.

Or humility.

Or genuine.

It's like none of the words.

Maybe a.

At this point, you're probably thinking, hey, Heath, I'm pretty sure you said alien dinosaur angels multiple times now.

And the question is, what?

That is my question.

Here's the evidence from the paper.

Well, actually, it's just one thing, kind of it.

Here's the evident.

Lots of UAP sightings involve a mysterious saucer-like aircraft.

entering or exiting a secret underground access point like a volcano.

Like a volcano.

That's not a secret underground access, but they're famously kind of big, right?

And they spit fire rocks out to let people know where they are sometimes.

It's like the least secret thing.

It's the very least secret of things.

Yes.

So, yeah.

Maybe they meant volcano layers are secret.

I don't know.

It's a tough one.

Well, they kind of do mean that, actually.

So based on that, evident, we got four hypotheses, some of which could be combined.

One, there's a remnant form of an ancient, highly advanced human civilization that's been hiding underground and watching us for a long time.

And they have really sweet flying saucers too.

Yeah, and occasionally they throw some magna out of them.

Yeah, once in a while.

So listeners, let me assure you, this is the least stupid one.

We're going to go downhill from maybe there's ancient humans that live underground with flying fucking saucers right they found us because of volcanoes steep down ramp from that that's correct hypothesis two there's a highly advanced non-human species that evolved long before us possibly from intelligent dinosaurs which also secretly evolved at some point and they don't want to get discovered and they also flubbed a few of their covert recon flights recently.

They're not great at it.

They're pretty damn good.

Why dinosaur?

Is is that just to spruce up your intro paragraph it really that's what it serves as a purpose absolutely side note hypothesis two is the plot of the children's book we're back i don't know how much we care about that okay but uh okay didn't like that one moving on hypothesis three

aliens with intergalactic space travel and or time travel are involved in this.

That's what's happening.

They had to add time travel to sound crazy enough to match the theme of the paper.

They're like, guys, we can't just do intergalactic aliens after we did intelligent dinosaurs.

We have to do something dumber.

Our list is going to sound stupid.

We'll add time travel, yeah?

And hypothesis four, the secret underground population is, quote, less technological than magical.

Oh, there you go.

The paper calls them, quote, earthbound angels.

Exact words.

Okay, that one feels like it was added by a frustrated undergrad who realized they couldn't call anything unreasonable after the dinosaur bit.

Guys, we might as well say I'm listening.

So yeah, that was not what I expected from Harvard University, but silver lining.

I'm glad they're spending their time on things that are way more useful than educating Ted Cruz, for example, which is something they did.

Well, there you go.

Yeah.

Ted Cruz, who seems a lot like an underground dinosaur alien skinwalker.

I mean, maybe there's some good cross-pollination going on between departments in the hallways at Harvard or something like that.

Sure, yeah.

Right.

And with the realization that finding out Ted Cruz was a time-traveling dinosaur alien would actually be less shocking than finding out he's genuinely a human being.

We're going to wrap up the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Come on, G.

And when we come back, we'll stop putting off that goddamn C.S.

Lewis book, I guess.

If you went to Harvard and you found a

volcano, secret volcano, do you think you would graduate Magma cum laude.

That's Eli.

That's fantastic.

That's so you.

I mean, I know it's not so good.

Despite Eli's on-mic persona and Heath having made hating great literature kind of his thing over on Citation Needed, I think it's safe to say that all three of us love to read.

But we've been trying to cure ourselves of that trait for years on a segment we we call God-awful books.

So this week we cracked open C.S.

Lewis's Mere Christianity once again.

We're still on book three, Christian Behavior, and unfortunately, we did most of the fuck stuff already.

So now it's time to move on to the most sexless thing of all, chapter six, Christian marriage.

And yet again, he comes out with a sort of mea culpa from the last chapter, right?

Like the opening line of this one is, quote, the last chapter was mainly negative.

It's so good.

It's like he's doing a positive affirmation to himself inside the text of his own book.

Yeah.

And they're like, come on, CS, get it together.

You're a writer.

You could do this.

You could see this.

Look, we all agree lawnmowers are really sexy and your wives don't get that.

Yeah.

So now there are two reasons that he doesn't want to discuss marriage.

And neither of them is that he fantasized about Arrow Flynn wearing nothing but ground chuck.

That is, that is what I assume one fantasized about in the 1940s.

I would imagine.

I'd say it's timeless, though.

I'd say it's timeless to do that.

I have to emphasize, he does this big fancy, like, it is below a man who speaks to the humble farmer to dance the morage dance.

But, dude, it's your book.

Just don't write the chapter you're writing if you don't want to talk about it.

All you'd have to do.

But so he does not think that Christ was being metaphorical when he said that a husband and wife were of one flesh, is what he tells us.

He gets it.

Explains why he didn't get married.

Yeah.

He also tries to prove he knows about sex again, and it goes so badly for him.

He says, We all know that sex, it's like a

key and a lock coming together as one.

It's like, oh, okay.

A violin and a bow.

Wait, what?

And yeah, right.

I mean, that was weird, but it was an improvement since he tried, it's like fixing a lawnmower, but it's still not great.

Yeah.

Yes.

And this is where he explains to us that premarital sex is the bulimia of fucking.

Yeah.

He was was saying that sex without marriage is like tasting food without digesting the food.

So having sex only inside a marriage is all about shitting?

It's a confusing little section.

So shitting is like the kids that come from a marriage.

And abortion is when you got to go, but you do that big squeeze and then you don't have to go and metaphors are hard.

Right.

Andrew.

Very hard for him.

Speaking of which, getting divorced is like having both your legs cut off.

Yeah.

Tom from Cog Disc can confirm it's actually more expensive than that.

Well, other than that, yeah.

He did arms, but yeah.

Yeah, he's super clear that.

Because he has short arms.

Yeah.

They're like a Tyrannosaurus, though.

They really are.

So he's super clear that regardless of your Christian denomination, you should not get divorced just because you hate one another.

Yeah.

And he stumps himself in his own book by admitting that Christian denominations are different and then immediately saying they're all in agreement in the exact same parody.

He says every denomination agrees that divorce is like surgically separating conjoined twins and losing legs.

Very next sentence, but some denominations are cool with that.

Where is that going with that?

We all agree divorce is bad unless you chop legs off and then it's good.

All right.

But so here's his argument.

He explains that marriage is all about keeping your promises, damn it.

and if you get divorced you're not keeping your promises i'm like what are you fucking 11 yeah i know it seems like noah is exaggerating but his argument against divorce is pretty much does a pinky swear mean nothing anymore

yeah right oh he also calls our modern sexual impulse morbidly inflamed Yeah, I mean, maybe if you didn't write whole chapters of your book on morality about not jerking off, that wouldn't be a problem.

Also, the lawnmower blades and the raw ground beef on the erroflyn fuck doll that's not helping either

with the uh morbidly inflamed scenario

so okay listen to this romantic motherfucker right here quote the idea that being in love is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all end quotes

and then he says people with love in their life know about this better than people who just talk about it or write about it in a in a book so i'm going to quote gk chesterton about love he does love yeah i put a picture of gk chesterton yeah no if anybody knows about love it is that lovely man there this guy fucks

all right so he's like so why should married couples who no longer love each other remain together well the kids right also also making sure nobody else gets to fuck her yeah pinky swears and now dibs if we're not careful he's going to recommend cootie shots for the wedding night.

Yeah.

But honestly, almost his entire chapter on Christian marriage is about how love is overrated.

Yeah, he tries to explain that love is good, but obeying God is great.

Yes.

And that's dumb, but it's relatively easy to understand conceptually.

But he cannot just write a sentence about what he thinks.

He has to fuck it up with a crazy analogy every time.

This time, he explains that love is to God as having a duel is to having a long feud with somebody instead, with a duel, because a gunfight is better than a feud, just like obeying God is better than loving a person.

He got the direction of stuff backwards, and he got it wrong within the wrong.

Yeah, the better is tough there.

Sure, the fuck did.

And then he's like, plus, eternal love sounds exhausting.

Am I right?

Yes.

He he accidentally runs into hitchin' all heavens become hell eventually argument like he hit it with his car yeah he's like well yet you know living in empty-hearted contempt for the person in your home that you share your bed with forever sucks

but there's but there's still gardening you could yeah like that cs you get divorced you can still garden

and also do whatever you want in the shed with the mower buddy it's your mower yeah anything you

want.

So again, here's the actual line.

Try not to swoon here.

Quote, it is simply no good trying to keep any thrill.

That is the very worst thing you can do.

Let the thrill go.

Let it die away.

Go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow.

End quote.

Hey, hey, C.S., did this chapter start out as a kind of note

of Christ?

The truest form of love is actually called toleration.

Read a book.

Yeah.

Sex is great, but you ever just watch each other shit?

What about that?

For decades?

You ever watch someone shit for decades?

So having dealt with love and not being in love, he turns to the only other major topic in the subject of marriage, and that is, of course, the subjugation of women.

Yeah.

Spoiler alert podcast listener, he is for it.

Yes, he is pro.

Well, see, there has to be a head of the marriage.

Otherwise, the first time you disagree on where to go for dinner, you will starve to death.

Look, I'm not saying C.S.

Lewis is the first man in history to be thrown into a homicidal rage by, I don't know, what do you want?

He's probably the first to write a chapter of a book on morality about it.

Yeah, right.

He says you need a marriage boss because there's only two people, so you can't settle a disagreement by voting.

So I guess it's all about odd number polycules.

I guess that would solve the problem.

To not starve.

Coming around.

No, it's funny, though, how easy it is for him to mistake the imposed social order for the natural order here, though, right?

Yeah.

And he literally ends the chapter by saying that men are more diplomatic with the world outside the family than women are.

Yep.

You know, an appeaser.

And he meant that in a positive way.

He was writing this in 1944, and that was like a positive.

And men.

Well, you know, when men get together at the diplomacy, everything goes great in 1944.

Yeah.

So that's literally all he felt like he had to say on the subject of marriage.

So now it's time to move on to chapter seven, forgiveness.

And again, he starts with an apology correction.

He's like, you know, okay, so I said earlier that chastity was the most unpopular of Christian virtues.

I've changed my mind now.

I want to make something else the most unpopular now.

Yeah.

Right.

And like, it occurred to me like this, this book, so much of it is a vestige of back in the days when it was way harder to edit shit you'd already typed.

You don't understand.

The delete key is just an X that goes over the letters you already wrote you don't know yeah right right yeah but now the new least popular virtue is forgiving your enemies nope not doing that absolutely well he jumps right what are we doing here if we're not destroying our enemies thank you come on yeah no he jumps straight to the nazis though he gets there way too quick Yeah, this section feels a lot less forgive your enemies and a lot more hedging his bets in case the war doesn't go well.

You know what I'm saying?

So I could see my way to being friends with maybe working for their radio.

I'm an appeaser, diplomatic.

That's the benefit structure.

So his opening defense with the idea of forgiving your enemies is, look, I didn't invent the fucking religion.

Okay, that was Jesus.

Take it up with him.

Yeah, he mentions forgiving Nazis, and then he explains how the Bible is very clear that you don't get forgiven unless you forgive.

So I feel like the move is, don't be shitty and also destroy your enemies and you're good to go, right?

Like do whatever.

you can invite some Nazis to come do a forgiveness party at your house and then destroy them.

It's a great idea.

My religion is better just from this alone.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

So clearly.

So, yeah, but no, but he suggested before we start forgiving Nazis, we start small.

You build up by forgiving the shitty spouse that we hate from the last chapter.

Even if she doesn't fucking know what she wants for dinner.

What does he think enemy means based on this?

Like,

I get it.

You're listing listing your enemies according to destruction priority.

I could not sympathize more.

I have that list too.

At the bottom of your list is fucking insane.

It's your kids and your wife.

It's not your wife.

But he points out that love your neighbor as you love yourself is way easier if you're self-loathing.

Okay, solid point.

Yes.

Looking at my enemy in the mirror with disgust is going to be weird because I'm going to be like in the bathroom all the time, but I'll figure it out.

I'll figure it out.

Oh, and then he gives us the hate, the sin, not the sinner bit.

Yeah, can I just say, I don't want to get like too meta, but I am constantly amazed in reading this book, how much of this like icon of apologetics is the most basic bitch Christian bullshit, right?

Yes.

We're going to get a fucking live, laugh, love chapter any minute now.

But honestly, I would not be surprised.

So, no, and at this point, too, he starts talking about war and he explains that he's fine with pacifism, but what he doesn't like is people who aren't pacifists killing other people in war and then being a fucking bummer about it okay so we're just uh taking a look at my notes here being a nazi forgivable not fighting in the war i'm a fan of has been terrible two chapters in a row now yeah okay also who was that comment for

was there a big problem with like atheist allied soldiers killing Nazis, but they're in a snit the whole time.

I don't.

No, yeah.

Well, so, well, but according to him, killing in a war ought to be accompanied by, quote, a kind of gay and a wholeheartedness, end quote.

What?

Huh?

Yo, I looked up gay to make sure it meant what I thought it meant.

It did, though.

Meant it meant the Errol Flynn thing.

Okay, both options for soldiers are insane that he offered there, but I'll agree on liking the second one maybe a little bit better.

Like one guy is killing Nazis and being all flouncy about it and he's mad about cleaning his room.

And the other one is like, ha, ha, ha, ha, what a jaunty afternoon of gay and killing Nazis.

Like, I like that.

I like that.

You know, if you have to have one or the other, no, you're right.

You err on the side of the gay.

Naughty caprice.

Also,

it's weird that his chapter on forgiveness is, I would say mostly, I would say more than 50% of this chapter is about when it is okay to kill someone.

Yeah, okay.

So this is what I was going to say.

If anything, this chapter is much more about how God will forgive you for killing Germans in the glorious war that C.S.

Lewis is talking about.

And if we lose, the Germans should forgive me for writing that last part.

Yeah, right.

It reads a lot like that.

And now that we know when to kill people, we can move on to the most promising chapter title in the book, and I should say probably the most disappointing as well, chapter eight, the great sin.

Yeah, and then, well, yeah, he builds up this huge greatest sin thing, but he's talking about fucking pride, right?

Like, no, I can, I can see how pride is damaging in some instances, but he says says it's the worst thing like like worse than murder is pride well because spoiler alert it turns out that pride is going to be the sin that makes you not listen to cs lewis so right i get what he's doing there for me though it's wrath and lust that are making me not listen to cs but we'll see how it goes yeah see what he does with this but there's he does this weird rant where he talks about how pride is problematic because it's inherently competitive and i'm like is it though though?

Because like I'm proud we raised over $80,000 for the Harris campaign.

Who am I competing with?

One million moms.

No, pay attention.

Okay.

All right.

But also, but even if it is competitive, so fucking what?

Yeah.

Also, if each of the 1 million moms donates a dollar to Donald Trump,

we are still winning by about 76 grand.

Sure are.

Sure are.

But yeah, he seems to be mistaking pride for greed, but only selectively.

Right.

And keep in mind that this whole chapter is not its its worst.

It's worse than he hasn't gotten around to rape on his list of sins, but he's really getting in there on

wanting things too much.

Yeah, right.

No, but he's like, he's like, sure, a lot of people will say greed and selfishness cause greed and selfishness, but no, it's pride that causes that.

Right.

Like it reads like he realized halfway through the chapter that he'd been describing greed and selfishness.

And then he was like, I am not retyping all that shit.

I will tell you that much.

It's like watching the bad guy from seven realize he made the wrong theme for his next thing halfway through.

He's just like angrily disassembling a big murder device with a bunch of shit.

The book, that happening in a book.

No, but so he rails against the pride of women who make him fall in love with them and then don't fuck him later, right?

There's that, they don't know where they want to go to dinner.

And then he begrudgingly admits that acknowledging the superiority of an imaginary perfect superbe

doesn't count against pridefulness.

Huh, interesting.

Quick question, C.S.

Would it count as prideful to be so jazzed up about your one specific pretty young God that you wrote an entire long-winded book telling everyone the truth of the universe?

No,

it wouldn't.

So he also points out how pride can actually help you overcome.

you know, real vices, but but he still manages to scoff at it as he does so yeah the point he's trying to make here is like taking pride in being good that's how they get you seriously i think that's his argument he says that satan sees people being good and and that's that's how satan's gonna make you evil yep apparently yeah but perhaps because he's been wildly unclear as to what he thinks pride means he has to clear up a few possible misconceptions before he lets us out of this chapter On second thought, that was nothing.

Do-over.

Yeah, right.

No, I just read back over that, and it's not at all clear what the fuck i'm saying so so the first is that it's still okay to like it when people tell you you're awesome and they love your books that does not count as pride okay there it is that's my fault that's my fault he called pride base during his pride book early earlier objection yep yeah obviously so the second possible misconception is that he's saying you can't be proud of your kids or you're alma mater or whatever that's okay too you just can't be proud of yourself i guess it's like the opposite of cognitive behavioral therapy the next chapter is going to be on distorting your thoughts for fun and profit.

Yeah.

So the third misconception is that Yahweh hates pride because he's offended by it.

This is my point.

Does God sound a little prideful?

No.

No, he doesn't.

Did you read his book?

No, it actually hurts him more than it hurts you when he burns you in hell for it.

God isn't worried about the size of his dick at all.

Some deities say it's too big that they couldn't lift it, actually.

Okay.

Okay.

I know it seems like Noah might be exaggerating, but he literally spends five sentences on how God doesn't care if you're prideful.

He just hates seeing you be such a stupid head about it.

It's so weird.

So, and then the fourth and final misconception that he wants to clear up is that people who are humble aren't annoying as fuck.

They are and he hates them.

Yeah.

All of a sudden, right at the end of this chapter, it's like a business manipulation book from an MBA program or something.

We learn that real humility is mostly just, you know, mirroring an eye contact, yeah, like a hostage negotiator.

Right.

Yeah.

So, but the first step in overcoming pride is admitting you have a problem.

Yeah.

Said the man writing a book on the objective truth about Christianity and therefore the Burma Christians.

And as much as I'd love to tell you that he heard it and the book ends there, he hasn't and it doesn't.

So there's plenty more to come on the next installment of

God-awful books.

He's proud of the next channel.

Baku.

Before we hunker down for the next one, I want to thank all the people who have reached out since the storm to check up on us and offer help.

It means a ton.

We are doing fine, but there are plenty of people out there that do need the help.

So I can encourage you to keep reaching out until you find somebody who needs your assistance more than me.

Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend God Awful Movies debuting at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday obviously i can't wrap this up without thanking heath and eli for taking up my slack while i was on vacation and then immediately doing it again because of the storm before immediately doing it again because i'm the only one of us heading to qed this year everything about my life is easier because i work with people who genuinely care about me and it has rarely been more obvious than it has been over the past week i also want to thank our favorite listener april puff for providing this week's farnsworth quote slash covid psa but most of all of course i want to thank this week's last week's, and the week before that's best people.

And sorry, the One Breath thing was kind of a pre-heart attack bit.

Here we go.

Stephen, Mark, Catherine, Lucas, Heather, Alex, Rebecca, Evan, Brianna, Jahaz, Dustin, Elizabeth, Oscar, Bryson, Tony, Kirby, Tiago, Kelly, Treehugger, Prime, Caleb, Simon, Scott, Tickle Fight, David, another

mini of Howliton, Frearon, Thomas, Angela, Wendy, Auggie, Tribe, Tap, Scott, Pantheon, Atheist, Vegan, Punk, Treehugger, Jenny, Chani, Feather Snow, Abby, and Thomas.

Hey, that was One Breath.

Huh?

Who are so badass Milton would have told them to keep the fucking stapler.

Together, these 41 people, Muppets, descriptors, and demonyms, rose up as one to give us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash scathingadius, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode.

Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadius.com.

And, for a limited time only, you can think of it as hurricane relief, sort of.

And if you'd like to help, but your money's going to more important shit, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking of social media, Tim Robertson handles that for us, and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also brought all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadious.com.

I mean, it was One Breath eventually, Morgan.

Technically, I did get it in One Breath, just only on my 30-second try as home.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, Copyright 2024, all rights reserved.

California has millions of homes that could be damaged in a strong earthquake.

Older homes are especially vulnerable to quake damage, so you may need to take steps to strengthen yours.

Visit strengthenyourhouse.com to learn how to strengthen your home and help protect protect it from damage.

The work may cost less than you think and can often be done in just a few days.

Strengthen your home and help protect your family.

Get prepared today and worry less tomorrow.

Visit strengthenyourhouse.com.

The action is hot and the winning is now at Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Sacramento at Fire Mountain.

Saturday's Hard Rock brings you the $250,000 spin-to-win giveaway.

Do not miss miss your chance to spin the wheel and win $250,000 in cash.

Yeah, we know you love cash.

Come and get yours.

Saturdays only at Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Sacramento at Fire Mountain.

Sucks.

The new musical has made Tony award-winning history on Broadway.

We demand to be home.

Winner, best score.

We the man to be seen.

Winner, best book.

We the man to be quality.

It's a theatrical masterpiece that's thrilling, inspiring, dazzlingly entertaining, and unquestionably the most emotionally stirring musical this season.

Suffs!

Playing the Orpheum Theater October 22nd through November 9th.

Tickets at BroadwaysF.com.