605: Vogon Apologist Edition

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This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Mint Mobile and by the fact that the Christo-fascist haven't finished taking over the government yet.

Let's see what we can do about keeping it that way in November, huh?

Huh?

And now, The Scathing Atheist.

Hi, this is Kenny Wyland, a volunteer call mod captain and calls trainer for the Harris Walls campaign.

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And a lot of them haven't evolved that far.

It's Thursday.

It's September 19th.

And it's meow like a Pirate Day.

Is it?

Um, meow.

I guess.

Maybe.

Got it in one.

I'm No Illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heathen Wright.

And from Whitney, Houston's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Wake Rust, Georgia, this is the Skathing Interest.

Of this week's episode, Donald Trump promises swift retribution.

ABC News lets Kamala Harris have her invisible cauldron during the debate.

And we'll learn once again what makes a true Christian is assholery.

But first, the diatribe.

One measure of the quality of a community is how much of an asshole you can be without feeling like you have to leave it.

Right, like when I saw that Russell Brand decided that he had to be a Christian now because the non-Christian world was done with his bullshit, I felt like buying us a round of drinks.

And now it looks like we're on the verge of driving out a somehow even bigger asshole in the person of the world's richest man and Donald Trump's part-time fluffer, Elon Musk.

Now, as far as I know, Elon Musk has not quite crossed over the line into Christendom.

He hasn't live streamed his baptism like the rapey guy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall did, at least.

He's recently declared himself culturally Christian, though, and said that he's a quote big believer in the principles of Christianity, end quote.

And even more recently, he threw Christianity a pretty public bone in the form of a few lines of fucking Vogon poetry.

On the day I'm recording this, he tweeted out the following.

And you'll have no idea how physically difficult it is for me to read such bad goddamn poetry, but here it goes: quote:

Atheism left an empty space, secular religion took its place, but left the people in despair.

Childless hedonism sans care.

Maybe religion's not so bad to keep you from being sad.

Now, let's set aside the fact that it sounds like it was written by an eight-year-old with a crush on his babysitter and has rhymes that Dr.

Seuss would want to spice up a bit.

Or you know what?

Fuck that.

Let's not set that aside.

My God, man, you're the richest person on earth.

Is there nobody in your fucking retinue that can at least count the goddamn syllables for you?

Here, I did it.

798887, you ridiculous idiot.

What are we doing?

Fucking unambic octameter?

Don't get me wrong.

I'm super impressed with the way you managed to make a billion-dollar fortune out of nothing but an inherited emerald mine seized under one of the most egregious violations of human rights since the fucking Holocaust.

But how about you leave the poetry to people that know that meter isn't the upgrade to the paleo diet?

This is the fucking cyber truck of verse.

This poem is so fucking bad that if your children hadn't already stopped talking to you, this would have tipped them over.

I mean, bad and sad?

What are you, an angsty tween whose mom took away their phone and their thesaurus?

Jesus Christ, there's no such thing as bad enough at poetry to deserve the death penalty, but the world has never had a better reason to rethink that policy.

Okay, now let's set aside how bad the poem is, because the point he's making is somehow even worse.

And it starts with the first line.

Atheism left an empty space.

Oh, is it a God-shaped hole in our hearts, perhaps, Elon?

This is, of course, a nod to the dumbass notion that there's some fundamental purpose served by religion, that somehow being wrong as a group confers some necessary benefit on us.

And sure, maybe when we didn't know much shit, it was helpful to all agree on the same wrong answers, but those days are way behind us.

The very idea that atheism leaves an empty empty space assumes that religion fills one, which is quantifiable bullshit.

So we're seven syllables in, we're already wrong, but Elon's just getting warmed up.

The second line is secular religion took its place.

Secular fucking religion?

Right, that's the main lie in this whole thing, right?

The idea that there's a secular religion.

It's a bullshit thing that wrong people like to pretend because secular religion is reality.

It's that which can be demonstrated to be true.

But that which can be demonstrated to be true includes stuff like gender isn't binary and Elon Musk's wealth is primarily the product of absurd privilege and a sociopathic lack of empathy.

And we can't have that shit now, can we?

So we have to call it a fucking religion because religions can be denied.

And of course, all the religious people are on board because pretending reality is a religion is the only way that they're ever going to achieve a level playing field.

And just in case the poem wasn't verifiably false enough yet, we get this third line, but left the people in despair.

Oh, so I guess we could go out and measure the happiness of the world, and we would find that the states and nations that are the most religious are also the most happy, huh?

Oh, fuck, exact opposite?

Exact opposite.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I'm sure you, Elon, are full of fucking despair.

But in general, we atheists are doing fine, and we've got the statistics to prove it.

And then he goes full J.D.

Vance with this next line.

He says, childless hedonism sans care, which from a fucking poetic perspective is the worst line in the goddamn poem without would have fit both the rhythm and the meter but you used sans

but far more importantly it speaks to this misogynistic obsession with birth rates now for what it's worth it is true that atheists have fewer kids on average than religious people Right?

Because the furthest thing from being a problem in all the goddamn world is not enough humans.

It's called being socially responsible.

I mean, I get, Elon, that you need to have a pretty large pool of kids to ensure that at least one of them is willing to talk to you at any given moment, but that's because you're an irresponsible asshole, not because religion is good.

But that gets us to the poem's closing argument, lines five and six, right?

Here we go.

Maybe religion's not so bad to keep us from feeling sad.

Which, again, is demonstrably untrue if you look at the happiness of the world regionally.

And even if it was true, it would be such a minuscule weight on the good side of the scale when you compare it to all the genocidally horrendous shit that religion is so bad at.

But beyond all that, and I think the deepest flaw in Elon's substandard reasoning is that believing something because it keeps you from being sad is epistemological malpractice.

It's the most infantile possible means of arriving at one's beliefs.

This makes me sad, therefore I'll believe something happier.

Is that what you're advocating?

So here you go, Elon.

Anybody who knows me at all knew as soon as they read this shit that I was going to clap back in rhyme so let me show you how this

done

faith in god has left a space between the ears of those it graced and made them say the dumbest like that ex-dad ex-husband twitter twit whose rhyming sucks whose meter's criminal whose cyber truck is too polygonal and whose epistemic fatal flaw was best summed up by bernard shaw as that great irish playwright says and forgive me for the paraphrase the fact that faith can bring some cheer is irrelevant, because so can beer.

And Elon, as to what respect folks once had for your intellect, it's safe to say you've passed it on to blue sky threads and mastodon.

They're talking about your Jesus.

The inner of this broadcast will bring you a special news, William.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the ketchup and mustard to my relish, Heath Henright and Eli Bosnik.

Fellas, are you ready to embellish this wiener?

I never embellish my wiener, Noah.

When you're my size, radical acceptance is the only way to go.

Also, bacon and cheese or get the fuck out.

Absolutely.

On Heath's Wiener?

Also, yeah.

I am a mustard nationalist.

I will do terrible things

to catch up and relish.

I hate them.

Also, quick reminder that this Saturday we're getting together with Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance to raise money for the Harris campaign.

During our two-hour live stream, we're going to be breaking down the intro to Project 2025 and raising money for Act Blue.

We've got $20,000 in matching funds already.

So with your help, we could make this a huge success.

Be sure to check the show notes for more details.

And on that note, we're going to pause for a word from our first sponsor this week, Mint Mobile.

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All right, man.

I think I'm going to try that.

Thanks.

So are we doing this thing or not?

No.

Man.

You have a meatball on your chin.

That's not what this is.

Oh,

got it.

And now, back to the headlines.

In our lead story tonight, in the wake of the latest assassination attempt against Donald Trump, I didn't say second because we record a day in advance and I'm optimistic.

Schmuck O'Larange

has once again blamed the Harris campaign's rhetoric for stoking violence against him, which is great.

It's awesome to hear that Donald Trump has finally recognized the dangers of incendiary rhetoric and its ability to trigger political violence, mere hours after essentially tweeting out, will no one rid me of this troublesome taytay.

So you can expect to see massive changes from his campaign central messaging, unless he's a fucking hypocrite of some sort.

But to be clear, there is no indication that pointing out what a threat Donald Trump is to democracy leads to political violence.

There is, however, ample evidence that Christian nationalist rhetoric leads to violence, including a new study, and this is where I drunkenly weave to the actual story that I'm going to talk about here, out of the Nanyang Technological Institute in Singapore that strongly links the two.

Okay, that sounds interesting, but I would like to drunkenly circle back to Republicans in panic mode and Taylor Swift being awesome.

My favorite moment was Megan Kelly having a complete meltdown.

Oh,

Kelly has a talk show on SiriXM and she fucking lost it last week.

She said, I'm allowed to criticize Taylor Swift and I don't give a shit who gets upset.

This is disgusting.

If she wants to vote Harris Walls, she can do it all she wants.

But to say the reason is because of Tim Walls' stance on LGBTQ,

F you, Taylor Swift.

She said shit.

She got worried.

She dialed.

Yeah, right, right.

Yep.

And she continued, and F all the people who want to see these children have body parts chopped off and watch them sterilized under the age of consent and then ride the right age to sterilize

and then ride off to their multi-gazillion dollar mansions, never to think of them again.

And exact quote.

And then right after mentioning multi-gazillions of dollars, Kelly said that Taylor Swift is going to pay a price in the marketplace.

So I'm sure Tay Tay's super, super worried about the marketplace reaction this might have, and she'll stop making money on her music.

Anyway, some scientists figured out that Christian nationalism might lead to violence.

You say, Noah?

Well, no, wait.

Now I want to drunkenly weave back into that point to read Greg Locke's tweet on the subject.

Oh, God.

Taylor Swift is a full-blown witch.

Stop defending her.

She's gladly cursing your children.

She's an enemy of Jesus.

End quotes.

That was pretty good, too.

All right.

He apparently thinks there are partially blown witches, but she's like full-level.

Yeah, no, she's all blitzing.

Medium witches.

All the way.

Well, I'm a medium witch.

Yeah.

Fair enough.

So, okay.

So we obviously already know that there are plenty of problems with Christian nationalism.

And let me just say, real testament to how bad Christianity is, that it can make nationalism worse, right?

But anyway, we already know that Christian nationalism, that is the false belief that America was founded as a Christian nation and can only flourish under Christian leadership, is heavily correlated with increased support for authoritarian policies, decreased support for church-state separation, and high levels of bigotry just all around against everybody.

But this new study is the first that I'm aware of that was able to directly link it with physical violence against non-Christians.

This paper, which was published this month in the Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, looked at the Christian nationalist rhetoric from various U.S.

senators and saw if there was an increase in Christian on non-Christian violence in the states they represent.

And of course, there was.

All right.

Say it, Donald.

Radical Christian stochastic terrorists.

Yes, that is my job.

Right.

And look, this would be completely obvious if Christians didn't make everyone else in the country live in a constant state of they don't mean what they say since its inception.

You know, like that's what makes this hard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So if we want to be all scientific about this, we should note here that the study was not able to demonstrate that Christian nationalist rhetoric causes violence against non-Christians.

All we can say is that the two are heavily correlated.

I have a guess as to

the

situation.

Exactly.

But the researchers did a ton of work to eliminate confounding variables.

So we can, like, we can say definitively that it is not a case of just like, poorer states are more likely to vote Republican and have higher rates of violence, right?

They drill down enough to show that it is not a partisan thing or a regional thing or an economic thing.

When, say, Ted Cruz comes out and says, quote, any president who doesn't begin every day on his knees isn't fit to be commander-in-chief of this nation, end quote, the increase of violence against non-Christians in his state is both predictable and measurable.

In this particular instance, it led to an increase of between 40 and 50 percent.

Okay, if you want Joe Biden to be a more generous lover, you got to be clear with your words.

But I'm guessing Joe already is.

I feel like Scranton Joe, he's doing some good work down there, probably.

Oh,

he was there when they invented the clitoris.

He knows who

remembers the clitoris.

Now, it's worth adding here.

that there was also a new study from PRRI that released this week further cementing the correlation between Christian nationalists and support for authoritarians with terrifying results.

Like 55% of Christian nationalists agreeing that, quote, we need a leader who is willing to break some rules if that's what it takes to get things right, end quote.

55%.

And 28% of them agreeing that, quote, if Donald Trump is not confirmed the winner of the 2024 election, he should declare the results invalid and do whatever it takes to assume his rightful place as president, end quote.

So when we say shit like Christian nationalism is the most dangerous threat to this country, don't mistake that for hyperbole.

Yeah.

And in total bullock news,

with the second foiled assassination attempt of former President Trump Heath refreshing?

No, still no.

No, okay, we as a nation must ask ourselves a lot of questions.

Has our divisive rhetoric gone too far?

How much responsibility does cultural nihilism have for political violence?

And most importantly, how many chances does the Secret Service have to give you, assholes?

They didn't check the perimeter.

They didn't look.

They were just like, I'm sir, it's fine.

Come on.

I feel like the Secret Service is assigning like the dumbest rookies to that.

100%.

Yeah.

No, if you don't have binoculars, just use your hands.

That's exactly.

Yeah, there you go.

Anyways, this week we learned that the Secret Service weren't the only ones foiling dastardly deeds last week.

Christian Prophet and somehow still worse universe Dave Kroll,

Robin Bullock, took to the pulpit this week to let us know that he foiled a different third assassination attempt this week with Christian time travel.

Time travel.

Okay.

Normally, I'd be skeptical of the time travel, but he does look like a pirate from the future exactly.

That all checks out.

Yeah.

So for those of you unfamiliar with Robin Bullock, he's the fucking best.

Okay.

Pretty much everything he says makes our show, and he looks like a hard rock cafe pin collection became a person.

He does.

He looks like you applied too much G-force to Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance, G-Cel, if you will.

Yeah.

Anyways, I'll let him tell us the story of dimensional crime stopping in his own words.

Quote,

I was in a meeting one night, and all of a sudden I walked up on this guy just sitting there in the front row.

And I was reading the scripture.

I had my Bible up like this.

And I looked up and I said, oh, wait, wait, wait.

Like what?

Like this?

Oh, I got it.

You were holding a book?

uh-huh okay and i looked up and i said just a minute and when i said just a minute all at once the lights in the room just went real dim and i looked around something had happened and i didn't know what had happened

photons changed man you're connected to the alabama power grid that's what happened yeah no that's probably it but i like to think that he's just walking around having a series of small strokes and mistaking them for demon fights or something like that exactly yeah yeah he continues and children started to go to sleep in the room.

It's because you're boring.

And the camera that they were using started zooming in and zooming out.

And then it started doing like this.

And then he makes like a flickering motion with his hands.

And the time dimension was like, doodly-doo.

Literally.

Literally.

I don't know if you watched the clip, but that's literally what he does.

He concludes, and I'm looking around.

Children are falling asleep.

And the Lord said, now you are two hours in the future, just like that.

And we started dealing with things and I went into the future and the Lord said, we stopped a presidential assassination on Trump, end quote.

Well, then a former presidential assassination.

Okay.

He made up a lie about time travel.

And in that lie, he went a bit later in that afternoon

to hear a story from God that he wasn't even involved with.

God was just like, oh, during that

two hours, I did something.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So I think Robin is telling us that he was so boring, he time traveled, right?

Is that what he's saying?

I'm not sure how traveling into the future stopped an assassination attempt.

And details are thin on the ground, but I think we can be certain that if boring preaching made you capable of time travel,

Most churches are basically living the Terminator movies at this point, right?

So, you know, John Conner, if you're listening, and we know you are, big fan, keep your eye out for a guy who looks like a model for the divorced line of Ed Hardy t-shirts.

He's there to save you.

Yeah.

And if you're curious, John, ask him about his Bible college.

It's pretty sweet.

It's called Over-the-Top Bible College.

No, is that real?

That is real.

Yeah.

No, they teach you how to power up your prayers by turning your baseball cap backwards and everything.

It's pretty cool.

Unsatirizable.

He founded it with his wife, who's also named Robin, by the way.

Fuck yeah.

Robin and Robin.

Yep.

And in abandon all pope, ye who enter here.

Fantastic.

Pope Huevos Francheros.

Fantastic.

Some political advice for American voters last week.

So, you know, if you want to skip ahead about five minutes, that's very reasonable.

All right.

For anyone who's still here and wondering how you can possibly decide between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump,

go fuck yourself, those people.

Stop listening to our show.

This is not welcome for you.

No, you're not having a good time.

All right.

And for anyone who's still here, just out of morbid curiosity, here's what we learned from the 87-year-old in a foreskin costume.

According to Frankie, Donald Trump and Kamala Harris are both evil, but you need to choose the lesser of two evils.

Oh, do you?

No, yeah, okay.

So, but the Pope endorsing the lesser of two evils is a lot like me endorsing Diatribes Volume 2, you know?

Only if the other choice is mine, Kampf, no allegiance.

And a big thanks to Joshua for sending the link to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Joshua gets one uncrustable from Eli whenever you see him next.

Heath does not speak for the show, Joshua.

Those sweet pockets of jelly are mine.

That's official.

And Eli always has several.

uncrustables in his pockets.

So inquire about flavors.

That's true.

I do.

I'm not going to lie to you, Joshua.

Keep two or three flavors at all times.

So here's what Pope Frankie had to say.

He was doing a news conference during a flight,

which is already insane.

News teams follow him around like he matters, and that needs to stop being true.

But here's the advice he had for Catholic voters in the U.S.: He said that Kamala Harris and Donald Trump are both against life.

Fucking what?

Great question.

He's referring to Harris being pro-choice and Trump being anti-immigration.

And those are tied.

That's why you need to choose the lesser of two evils.

Yeah, no, well, being a Christian kind of demands that you value the theoretical and the actual at the same level.

I guess.

Yeah, it's part of the thing.

Yeah.

Also, from the office that brought you the official blessings for Hitler, I'm not super surprised.

Right.

All right.

So here's the exact words we got.

According to Frankie, quote, both are against life,

the one that throws out migrants and the one that kills children.

Sending migrants away, not allowing them to grow, not allowing them to have life, is something wrong.

It is cruelty.

Sending a child away from the womb is murder because there is life.

And we must speak clearly about these things, end quote.

And then when asked to clarify, he spoke very much not at all clearly, saying, quote, one must vote and one must choose the lesser evil.

Which is the lesser evil?

That lady or that gentleman?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Each person, he doesn't know.

Each person must think and decide according to his or her own conscience.

What would you say to do here?

Yeah.

Also, in the context you just gave, Trump is very obviously the lesser evil, right?

He's not letting immigrants thrive.

She's killing babies.

You're inferring Trump is the lesser evil.

Exactly wrong in your backwards thing, too.

In your fiction, the answer is obvious.

And in reality, it's even more obvious.

So one way or the other, this should not be a hard question for you.

Yeah.

Well, and even more generally, he got it wrong.

Just to be clear, if you're presented with two evils, you do have to choose the lesser.

That's not what's happening in this election.

But if you're stupid and you think that is what's happening in this election, you still have to vote for Kamala Harris.

Can't believe how often I have to repeat this in my life, but the lesser of two evils is logically required because of what those words mean.

Lesser and evil.

The other option would be the greater evil.

But despite being incredibly obvious and simple, the supreme magical leader of 1.4 billion people worldwide with God's direct line phone number.

He managed to get that concept wrong somehow, like several different ways, because he can't parse out the difference in the evil index between xenophobic racism and bodily autonomy no he cannot yep the expert on morality is having trouble with that one so with that reminder of what's at stake we're going to take a quick break to tell you a little bit more about humanists for harris

hey podcast listener i'm heathen right i'm no illusions and i'm undecided voter honest herb if you've read a newspaper or watched tv over the last year you know that I am extremely honest and I'm also cool and people like me are the key to winning this election.

But you have to be extremely nice to me because I'm very open to who I'm going to vote for for president.

Actually, Herb, voters like you aren't the key to winning the election.

We're not?

No, you're not.

One of the keys to this election is going to be about spreading voting rights to underserved communities and spreading election awareness to folks who might not otherwise get a chance to vote.

Which is why this Saturday, we're getting on to do a fundraiser roast of the intro to Project 2025.

A fundraiser?

Like to give money to the Harris Walls campaign?

That's right, Herb.

By donating, you'll be helping to get out the vote.

And the best part is that we've already got $20,000 in matching funds.

So what you give counts double.

Plus, you'll be stopping fascism.

I don't know, guys.

Do I want to stop fascism?

Yep.

You sure do.

Hate him so much.

So join us this Saturday night at 8 p.m.

Eastern Time for a live stream roast of Project 2025 and give what you can.

It's going to be tons of fun and do some good.

Keep an eye on our social media for links.

Because otherwise, we have to count on this guy to save democracy.

That's just such a hard choice, you know?

No.

Super.

No, we do not know.

Super duper known.

So difficult.

Hate you.

And in vauci news tonight, the Supreme Court of South Carolina ruled last Wednesday that a law benefiting Christians was unconstitutional just because it blatantly and inarguably violated the state constitution.

And we've descended into such a chaotic judicial hellscape at this point that that's a shockingly positive development worthy of celebration, I guess.

So it is with much hurrah that I inform you that the court struck down the heart of the state's voucher program because giving public funds to Christian schools is against the fucking law.

Standing on the courthouse steps outside, okay, is the separation of church and state still there if we toss the check to theocracy?

We'd toss it over the wall.

Yeah.

Okay, now the theocracy check just says for tobacco water pipe only.

That's not the case.

Still a drug deal.

Right.

So now, of course, one could argue that giving public funds to any religious institution is a violation of the federal constitution, but that's apparently a hard argument to make, despite being correct.

Between the White House Office of Faith-Based Initiatives, the Carson B.

Macon decision, and the National Day of Prayer, we're not even pretending to adhere to the Establishment Clause anymore.

Luckily for the good people of South Carolina, and unluckily for the bad ones, though, their state constitution contains what's called a Blaine amendment.

That is, a section that explicitly forbids public funds going to religious schools.

Ah, fuck.

We forgot to write Schmer Schmer religion.

We obviously meant that right now.

You know, we meant Schmer.

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah, so

here's the amendment in question.

This is Article 11, Section 4 of the Constitution of South Carolina.

Quote: Direct aid to religious or other private educational institutions prohibited.

No money shall be paid from public funds, nor shall the credit of the state or any of its political subdivisions be used for the direct benefit of any religious or other private educational institution, end quote.

Right.

And Christians read that and thought, huh?

Tricky.

Yep.

Yep.

And just for context, the original law was passed in 1895.

So a rule from the South Carolina lawmakers of 1895

is too woke for the Republican Party of now.

Woof.

Yeah.

So

that's pretty cut and fucking dry.

But the Republicans who passed the voucher law said it didn't count because the money wasn't direct aid.

It was laundered through the hands of parents first.

The state was offering direct aid to the parents who could then pass it along to a private educational institution at their discretion.

We made it into Ethereum and then back into...

No.

right, yeah.

Right.

But well, the court wasn't buying that, nor were they buying the dissent's argument that gutting the program, now that it was already in effect, would, quote, pull the rug, end quote, out from underparents who are already benefiting from the program.

In a turn of phrase that was too clever not to quote, the majority responded, quote, our duty is to serve the Constitution, the supreme policy of our land.

As such, our obligation is not to allow a rug to cover up well-marked constitutional ground, no matter how inconvenient that ground may prove to be to otherwise arguably salutary policies, end quote, drop Mike.

Yeah, for real.

And finally tonight, in She Turned Me Into a Newt Gingrich News.

Nice.

Nice.

Kamala Harris is much smarter than Donald Trump, and therefore

she's a witch.

A witch.

Actually, well, actually, there's one more element.

She's much smarter and she's a lady person, and therefore she's a witch.

That's the narrative we got from the Christian right last week after Vice President Harris absolutely smushed Donald Trump in their debate last week.

And what's so glorious about this is that their message translates to, he got beat so bad it demands a supernatural explanation.

I see it.

I do.

To be fair, if I had Bruce Almighty make you say stuff powers, Trump's debate performance is pretty close to what I would have had.

Yes, if you had thought of concepts of a plan, right?

Yeah.

I bet like 200 years from now, if we show clips of just him talking in that debate and we ask people what they're watching, they'll be like, a guy being controlled by a witch?

I don't see that.

Yeah, it's pretty accurate.

And a big thanks to Julie for sending the story to scathingnews at gmail.com.

Julie is a witch, and that's awesome.

Huh.

So no idea why intelligent, magical woman would ever be a negative.

Just don't backsass and stay in your lane, fellas, and you'll be fine.

It's an awesome thing.

So the witchcraft theory.

Let her keep your penis as a pet.

Absolutely.

So the witchcraft theory came from the Monty Python villagers known as the entire Republican Party.

And that included evangelical hate pastor and scathing atheist Hall of Famer Lance.

Walnow, who watched the debate and became despondent with rage, spent a a few hours ugly crying about how God's plan is very confusing and he doesn't know what's going on.

And then he finally composed himself enough to write a series of angry tweets at 1.30 in the morning, accusing Kamala Harris of very literal witchcraft.

And he started with a response to, I think, a hypothetical person.

he was already arguing with in his head.

He just starts like mid-argument.

It appears he was losing that argument to his own face, which is delightful.

According to Walnow, quote, when I say witchcraft just now, but I wrote nothing about this earlier, when I say witchcraft, I'm talking about what happened tonight.

Occult-empowered deception, manipulation, and domination.

Okay, but if your guy can't thwart a simple spell of occult-empowered deception, I don't think he should be in charge of the country.

It's that simple.

He's too susceptible to witchcraft, obviously.

Right.

I mean, that's the part that always baffles me the most is that these guys cannot stop declaring how bad their omnipotent, omniscient boss is losing to ladies that they think are pen pals with the devil.

Right.

Right.

God would like to roll for magical resistance, please.

Would you like to roll?

And the conspiracy theories did not stop at witchcraft.

Against all odds, they actually got dumber somehow.

Another theory that's getting way too much online traction is accusing Harris of secretly wearing a pair of earbuds disguised as pearl earrings.

And the idiots found a product called the Nova H1 earphones, which are promoted as the first and only wireless earphones integrated into a pair of pearl earrings.

But

yeah, here's the thing, just a couple of problems with that theory.

First of all, the Nova H1s aren't even produced yet.

They're part of a Kickstarter that's raising money

for development.

Well, okay, that's a good point.

Sure.

But more importantly, you can look at a photo of Kamala's earrings with your fucking eyes and see how they're transparent and not containing spy electronics.

Also,

many people have pointed this out before me, but like, also, how did her earrings make him say dumb shit?

Also, they have hidden earpieces.

Why would she wear not hidden earpieces when the hidden earpieces

work so much better?

It's the perfect crime, crime, Eli.

It's the perfect crime.

Never suspect.

And that brings us to my favorite conspiracy theory about the cheating by Kamala Harris.

Immediately following the debate, some anonymous Twitter account called at DocNet YouTube claimed that a whistleblower from ABC News found out that Harris was given the debate questions ahead of time.

And they're totally about to release an affidavit swearing to that.

And the affidavit, or something resembling that, later appeared on the account of a right-wing influencer and also literal J6 participant.

Naturally, that got retweeted a whole bunch, including by Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Green later added, the ABC whistleblower has died in a car crash, according to news reports.

Green did not cite anything that could.

be even remotely called news as a source for that.

Also, that information would be literally impossible to have because the identity of the alleged whistleblower isn't known.

Right.

Well, the very next day, MTG followed up by tweeting, yeah, this story appears to be false.

No.

Who knows?

But also keep in mind that like these are Chris Farley's show level questions, right?

Like the questions are like, well, so how about this immigration stuff, huh?

So there's like virtually no advantage in knowing them ahead of time anyway.

Right.

And I'll remind our audience that none of the questions were, is there anyone you'd like to accuse of eating dogs?

So it's not like

having them ahead of time would have helped Trump that much.

You remember when you were running against a little Nazi?

That was awesome.

Yeah.

Not hard questions.

So, right, circling back to Lance Wall now,

Trump definitely got deceived, manipulated, and dominated by Kamala Harris.

That's correct.

But that doesn't require any magic.

You can do that by just shining a laser pointer on a wall.

And that was a big part of Kamala Harris's debate strategy.

She also spent a good part of her time, you know, saying things that are true.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Also known as the dark arts to the Christian right.

So good times, Kamala crushed.

Which reminds me, we've actually got sacrifices to the Great Horned one to prepare in advance of the vice presidential debate.

So we're going to wrap the headlines there.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Dumaji.

And when we come back, we'll give you a little taste of our sister show.

Damn, that sounded less creepy in my head.

Sorry about that.

I liked it.

I thought I figured you might.

Okay, what if we run a monster truck over the movie?

That might work.

Hey, guys.

What you doing?

Hey, Noah, we're just trying to figure out how to get people in the South to come to our live show in Nashville, Tennessee on December 7th.

Oh, do we not sell enough tickets oh no we already sold out platinum and vip but we still have a few general admission tickets left so we're trying to figure out what people need as an extra push oh how big a space do you need to do a nascar no we know guys you don't need to do problematically stereotypical things for folks to come to our live show you just need to tell them about it oh like that it's on december 7th in nashville tennessee and they can get tickets at godawful movieslive.com exactly and should we tell them that there are still tickets available to Iridium Night the Thursday before the show, which includes a night of food and drinks with us, plus a swag bag?

Well, definitely.

Okay, well, I certainly hope they get their tickets at godawfulmovieslive.com.

But I'm

keeping this, you know, just in case.

Is that

a flamethrower?

It's not a flamethrower.

Yeah, got it.

Got it.

We at the scathing atheists are firm believers that size doesn't matter.

We're still willing to give the full god-awful treatment to even the smallest of god-awful content in a segment that we call God-awful minis.

So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today?

We watched Christian question mark, the short film.

It's the story of apparently getting trapped in a conversation about Bitcoin.

Except Bitcoin is Jesus.

That's what we want.

Yeah, honestly.

Yeah.

It's crystal currency.

Truly.

And Eli, how bad was this mini?

Well, if you're Christian, are you?

Yes.

Well, then you'll hate this movie.

I hated this movie.

Is there anything you guys want to nominate this one for being the best of being the worst at?

Yeah, I'm going to go with best worst.

Christian writers writers describing a social event a party

because we get that a lot very badly where will be the beers it's so good just them being like the alcohol party of youth drinking has started this behavior party youth

i have given into peer pressure have you yeah right right So I was going to, very similarly, I was going to go with best worst sins.

All right, because this is all about this guy being confronted by his sins.

And his sins are like vaguely not good to the girls that he dated, but they're never going to specify in what way.

So, yeah, he could just have dated multiple people.

Right.

That's for as much as we know.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

And I'm going to go with best worst, base your worldview on a book spokesman.

We'll talk about it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get it.

So, yeah, we're just, we're going to start off staring at a door for a super long time.

It's pretty long.

It's a long establishing shot of the concept of door.

Yep.

I got it.

Eventually.

But eventually, yeah, some college kids come out of that door leaving a class.

We hear Megan turn to her boyfriend John and complain about how long that class was.

And I was like, yeah, I've been staring at a door for three fucking minutes.

Yeah.

And it's probably long because it's about, I don't know, real stuff.

That would just be my guess because they're at college.

Yeah.

And we get a taste of how excellent the writing is going to to be in this thing when she says, why does class have to last so long?

And then she immediately follows that up with, are you going to the party?

To which he responds, do you know me?

And then he has to clarify.

That means yes, that I am.

Yes.

I would go.

Do you even know me?

I am.

I invented the party.

The big party is me.

And she's like, yeah.

So.

So yes, you're going to just, you can just say yes.

Yes would be fine as well.

Yeah.

So they, they wander off.

And then we watch Becca hook up with Julie and friend at each other.

Very naturally, it very, it comes across as very natural.

Hello, Julie is your first name.

Hello today.

Becca, which is your first name.

Becca.

Ah, there goes what's his name and his new quote from the movie, Bay of the Day.

Yeah.

Using that.

Yep.

We are all youths together.

We sure are, Becca.

We sure are, Julie.

So, and they're like, you know, they're wondering how how John hooked up with Megan.

And one of them says, you know, he probably

pretended to be a good Christian, like he did.

So all the ladies.

The classic, I'm a Christian line fucking spee loosh.

Am I right?

So, am I right, ladies?

Am I right?

And so, and then they ask each other if they're going to the party.

And one says, and I quote, who's bringing the alcohol?

Who is bringing the alcohol?

And the other one says, you know, he always has a stash.

He has a whole stash.

A stash of the alcohols?

Yeah.

Like, you got to kister that when you're on a campus.

Tricky.

Also, exact quote.

Michael's parties are known to be the craziest.

Yes, they sure are.

Michael has the craziest.

parties.

Did they have this movie written by the people who send you those scam texts saying that they have a job opening for $100,000?

So, yeah, so they just talk about how they sure hope there are sufficient risk behaviors to indulge in.

And then we cut back to John, who, damn it, he forgot his keys and he's got to run back to the classroom and leave Megan behind.

Oh, no, I hate to chime in here, but it's not, damn it, he forgot his keys.

No.

Snap, I forgot my keys.

Yep, it sure the fuck is.

Yahtzee forgot my keys.

No, that was crazy.

That was crazy.

I'm going to take it again.

Choo much.

Can take it again.

For show, for show.

Boom shock of locker keys.

Yeah.

No.

I'm close.

I'm close.

Oh, snap.

I forgot my keys.

Yeah.

So he goes back to the classroom where he has apparently left his keys under the desk.

Why not something that would make sense?

Yeah.

What physically happened in your life there?

Yes, exactly.

You know, I was hacky sacking with him under the desk and I forgot.

Yeah.

I don't know.

But yeah, but he gets his keys and then he goes to leave.

And damn it, if he isn't locked in the classroom.

Yeah.

He tries for zero seconds to quote unquote open the door before he accidentally opens the door and then has to pretend that he didn't.

Yes.

That didn't work at all.

Shit.

So he's trapped in a classroom.

And I was like, okay, where are we going with this?

Like a, like a horror movie about learning evolutionary biology or something?

Oh, right.

Yeah.

No.

No, exact opposite.

But then all of a sudden, there's a magical black guy in the room.

This is Gabe.

And Gabe is curiously unhelpful about getting out of the room.

He goes, what are you in a hurry to get to?

And I'm just like, are you suggesting that he just live in that room now?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it was this great moment.

He turns to him and goes, wait, were you here the whole time?

And Gabe goes, sure.

And I wrote my notes, I feel like that means no.

Okay, well, Gabe's a dick now because he didn't say anything when the person came into the locked room that he knew would lock behind him.

He's just sitting there.

Yeah, I guess.

Wanted some company.

I guess, yeah.

Well, and look, as far as John knows, Gabe has locked him in this room, right?

If John responds by attacking Gabe, it's reasonable.

Right.

But Gabe's like, hey, look, we're both stuck in this room together.

Why don't you expose it a bit?

Yes.

Right.

Hey, we're trapped in this room together.

What parts of yourself do you find most essential?

Yes.

There's a moment here, too, where John pulls out his phone and I think he's supposed to be sending a text and maybe it's supposed to be that his phone isn't working, but it's so poorly filmed that I can't tell.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I think it went dead.

Yeah, it went dead.

He does that thing where the phone shows you, like, you have to plug it in, which means they definitely just waited for this guy's phone to die.

And they were like, quick, quick, film it.

We only got a couple of these.

How do you let your phone get even close to zero battery ever?

That's insane to me.

So then there's this amazing moment where where he goes to the lectern and he's going to look for the keys for the door and he looks in four places.

He says, I looked everywhere.

And then he looks in four different places after he says that.

He gives the lectern a concert pat down.

You know, he's like, keep it moving, keep it moving.

More generally, why would the college have rooms that lock you in?

In, yeah.

Is that a thing?

Well, they don't.

They don't, which is really the crux of this failness.

It's very clearly a door without a lock on it, and he has to be like touching the door, I promise.

Yeah, I don't bang too hard.

So, yeah, so, but Gabe introduces himself and introduces like John too, because we haven't gotten his name yet.

He says, so you, so who are you, John?

And John, instead of punching him in the nose, like a reasonable person would, he says, well,

I'm a good person.

And we were all expecting him to go Ray Comfort, but he doesn't.

He goes, I was hearing Ray Comfort for sure.

Yep.

But Gabe goes, No one's a good person except God alone.

And John has this, like, oh, you got me, Face.

He goes, right.

No, you're right.

I'm not a good person.

I'm a good Christian.

Dude, I'm already a Christian.

Run your trap on someone else.

Unlock the door.

Whatever.

I'm good to go on Christianity.

But is he?

Right.

Is the question.

And again, like, the question that comes up at this point is: okay, well, then who is this movie for?

Right?

People who've bought the Maytag refrigerator, but might want to buy a second one to fit inside it.

So,

well, yeah.

And so, Gabe says, Well, you know, what is a Christian?

And he's like, I don't fucking know, man.

And he goes, Would Julie and Rebecca, those two girls that were friends that were talking very naturally about the party?

I don't know what the fuck the fucking scathing atheist guys are talking about.

Would they call you a Christian?

And he goes,

I go to church.

I helped the homeless once.

Once.

So

gabe goes have you ever even read the bible and and then it was like john hems and hawes but he admits that no he has not read 1200 pages of archaic bullshit cover to cover yeah and and gabe's response to this is well if you're not reading the bible what do you use to define a christian and i just feel like a person with black skin even if they're an angel in disguise or whatever probably doesn't want people to define what a Christian is by the Bible.

You know what I'm saying?

Right.

Yeah.

I might have picked a different package if I was supporting that book.

Absolutely.

And the actual answer from the Bible is fucking insane.

I mean, like, it's a solid point before you think about that about you should actually read the Bible.

I think everybody should actually read the Bible and stop being Christian because of it.

Right.

That's not what the movie meant at all.

Yeah.

Well, that's the thing.

I just consider how little you would actually learn from just reading the Bible cover to cover for fuck's sake.

So, but then Gabe asks what he wants to be when he grows up, I guess.

Yeah, and he talks about like normal things to want.

And Gabe is like, will that make you happy?

And it's like, what besides the normal goals of life would make a person happy?

But the answer is apparently God.

Yes, right.

His answer, because he says, what do you want out of life?

And he's like, well, you know, good job, a house, car, family.

You know, and he's like, oh, that materialism will never bring you happiness.

He's like, all right, I want to fucking love God and glorify him or whatever.

Jesus, can you open the fucking door?

Right.

And then I love this quote so much.

He goes, you want to hear something crazy?

And I wrote in my notes, this has been the whole time.

We're not now introducing craziness.

Is it that you found a way to lock me in a room and give an annoying speech about Jesus?

Is that what you're about to say?

Yeah.

But this is the actual quote that he says is something crazy.

There's something you've heard all about, but know nothing.

About.

About.

Yes.

Yes.

And

even John has to go, let me guess, are you going to tell me about Jesus?

And he's like, yes, it's about Jesus.

Yeah.

And they talk about Jesus, but right after that, like almost his next line is, he says, well, it sounds like you know about Jesus, but you don't know Jesus.

And I'm like, your last fucking line was that you don't know anything about Jesus.

Right?

Those lines had to be on the same page of the fucking script.

Next to each other.

And they keep doing this, the like saying it in two different tones of voice thing, like, you know about Jesus, but you don't know about Jesus.

Right.

That's the movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Literally, the whole point.

Pretty much, yeah.

John goes back, he pounds on the door some more, and then he angrily stalks from one door to the other, and Gabe heckles him about the greatest commandment.

Are they ranked?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Are the commandments ranked?

No, yeah, yeah.

No, the numbers.

I know they have numbers, but like, are they in like priority order there?

Not there, but number one is love your neighbor as yourself, except there's a bunch of other shit, too.

I feel like that's not a commandment, is it?

Yeah.

It's one.

one of the greatest commandments.

So it's literally one of the versions of when one person asked Jesus what the greatest commandment is, which is weird because there's a part of the book where God gives people commandments.

It's a very weird pull to be like, hey, you know what the universally agreed upon great commandment is?

Well, that's when they retconned the Judaism out to be like

Jesus actually thinks this.

This is more important.

Right.

But the thing is, too, is that like the love your neighbor as yourself is like the third of the three things that Jesus says, right?

But but it's the only good one so that's the one they focus on so yeah but but john tells us that again he is christian he does love jesus he goes to church every sunday and he prays before every meal damn it and gabe is like well is christianity a title or a lifestyle it's not a religion it's a relationship that's yeah but like here's the crazy thing He's in the religion.

Why would you make the character who you're trying to prove you can't, you have to do all these things, do all the things, right?

Because he goes to church.

Just have a Christian Christian character who doesn't go to church, who doesn't pray before every meal.

He does all the things that you're claiming are supposed to be part of that lifestyle.

It's very weird.

Right.

Yeah, exactly.

You're claiming a lot about Jesus and how to behave, but I don't know if you're claiming a lot about Jesus.

You got to use that back on him at that point.

Oh, right.

Yeah, exactly.

But, but yeah, but Gabe explains that a real Christian would never go to Michael's wild, crazy party with the alcohol.

I just love the idea that there are school shootings happening all over the nation and Gabe the angel comes down to be like, I gotta stop John from going to that party.

There's gonna be risk behaviors.

Yeah.

No,

he explains that the parties will never fill him up the way that the Bible will.

He says, and I quote, and this is the, they wrote the entire short film around this line.

You can't expect a clean house just by owning a vacuum.

Oh, shit.

Get a Roomba.

Yes, you can.

That's yeah, right.

Yeah, you can.

Now, but yeah, but that's the fucking money shot because then the door opens and Gabe Batman's away.

So then he walks out of the room all stupid-faced.

And Megan is out there and she's like, finally, where have you been?

And I'm like, in the room he told you he was going to, that you're sitting outside.

Why don't you check on me this whole time?

I've been pounding on the fucking door, Megan.

Jesus.

Where have you been?

Right?

Could have rescued me from Gabe the asshole.

But yeah but but he starts to leave and she's like we're gonna be late for the party and he thinks about it

and we fade to black that's the end of the video yeah she literally the girl turns into

yes because you know yep he's christian now and that means not listening to women oh right okay that that makes a lot of sense

tracks But yeah, that's it.

That's literally it.

We get the, it fades to black, and then we get a Bible quote, and we get credits.

Yeah.

She doesn't even go here of the Bible quotes.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

It says, whoever says, I know him, but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person.

But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them.

This is how we know we are in him.

Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did.

Okay, so you got to wander the desert?

Like I spit on blind guys.

Kill trees.

You got to trap people in a room for a weird speech about

unclear bitcoin off right nobody's doing that so the my big takeaway was in this bible quote they kept leaving out periods there's like two periods missing in the bible quote because they're like no when you when you hit enter it doesn't matter if there's a period or something i don't know that drove me nuts it pissed me off more than anything else in the movie it's just shifted all the way over to the left because of a note on the

So with that reminder that it's not enough to be in the club, you have to never shut the fuck up about it.

I guess we'll wrap up the segment, but we'll be back soon with another God-awful mini.

Before we tighten the lug nuts tonight, I want to remind you one last time that it's Saturday night at 8 p.m.

Eastern for the live stream.

Even if you can't donate, you can share in the fun.

Again, Tim's going to be blasting out the links all over our social media spaces on Saturday, so look there for details.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skepticrat, debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Monday, and even newer episodes of our sister show's Hot Friend Got Off a Movies debuting at 7 a.m.

Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our Half Sister Show's Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, this show never would have showed if I neglected to thank Keith Enright for ripping Religion a new one.

I'd like to thank Eli Bosnick for what he did to Religion's old one.

I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who was kind enough to cede her time this week to an extra-long diatribe.

I also want to thank longtime friend of the show Kenny Weiland for providing this week's Farnsworth quote.

And if you want to know more about signing up to make calls for the Harris Walls campaign, be sure to check the show notes for a link.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Eliza T.

Lionel, Richard Krista, Mitchell, Trumper, Nicholas, Stephen, and Travis.

Eliza T and Lionel, who are so bright, alien astronomers use their intellect as standard candles.

Richard Krista and Mitchell, whose ninjutsu is so ferocious, Super Saiyan goes them, and Nicholas, Stephen, and Travis, whose dick pics can only be properly appreciated in IMAX.

Together, these nine noble non-believers nailed the Nazarene's Nazarene's nonsensical natterings this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the money it takes to give some to us, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com/slash scathing atheists, whereby you'll learn away access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadious.com.

And if you'd like to help, but not in a money way, you can also help a ton by leaving a five-star review, telling a friend about the show, and following us on social media.

And speaking to social media, Tim Robertson Hails at Fours, and our audio engineerist Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact people on the contact page at scathingadius.com.

I just always wanted to have a hoagie.

Yep, no, I get it.

I get it.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC, Capricorn, 2024, all rights reserved.

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