#580 - David Spade

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Right here, we've got some new, new tour dates to tell you about.

I'll be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania on July the 9th, Rochester, New York on July the 10th, and Detroit, Michigan on July 11th and 12th at the Fox Theater.

As well, we have shows upcoming in Miami, Cedar Rapids, St.

Paul, Fargo, Rapids City,

Winnipeg, and Calgary.

You can get all your tickets at theovon.com/slash T-O-U-R.

Thank you so much for the support.

Today's guest is a legendary comedian and actor.

He's a friend of mine.

He's probably my closest friend in Hollywood.

I'll say that.

Or out of that area, you know.

I just feel blessed to know him.

He's got a new special dandelion streaming now on Prime Video.

You know his classic movies, Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Joe Dirt.

This guy's got a big heart.

I'll tell you that.

And one of the biggest senses of humor that exists.

I'm happy to welcome back today's guest, Mr.

David Spade.

If I were you, find a song, I would sing it.

All right, we ready?

We ready?

Waiting, waiting.

It's a fucking waiting game.

Waiting for Gal Godot.

Have you seen that movie?

That play?

Waiting for Gal Gadot.

Yeah, waiting.

I like Gal Godot.

Waiting for Gal Godot.

It's like a new...

It's a female take on.

No, it's not.

Have you ever seen that?

Waiting on Gal Godot.

Oh, I would wait on her.

No, it's in a, it's a, it's a, um,

waiting on Godot, that one?

It's a book that her assistant wrote.

There's one called Waiting on.

Is that true?

That's a good one, if it is.

You know, it's a good one?

Waiting on.

Sorry, waiting on who?

That's what?

Rachel Zegler.

That's what her assistant.

That's what her.

That's what the head of Disney wrote.

That book.

Waiting on Rachel Zagler.

Dude, well, what happened?

They didn't put, what happened with that whole thing?

They didn't put little people in it right first is that what happened oh and snow white yeah snow white i think the problem was uh

there was i don't think there's any problem with casting her galgado is gorgeous she's a good wicked queen i think they lost they started with the dwarfs and uh

they uh and they made them i don't know what happened dwarfs should i think the idea was they should work like if right little people should have the ability

there's there's seven jobs out of the ten a a year.

So let's give them these seven.

And then I don't think I would leave it up to them.

Do you guys want to work?

You know, I sound like it's so horrible.

You guys, I mean, listen, there's a lot that work.

People say Peter Dinklage, but they can't name 10 more that are that work a lot.

So hell, leave it up to them.

Well, yeah, well, I think they also, I think he got pretty DEI here, too, which is fine, but it's like if they were white dwarf, like is the first one is that that's not um these are the groll yeah is it his first guy yeah i mean i think his wife left him he has been he hasn't been doing well he's standing all yeah his wife kicked him out

and first of all that's friar tuck who they obviously just repurposed from robin hood so that's not cool oh right and and uh so they just this is their new version it's the exact and who is that that's like 49ers quarterback that's yeah throws apart it's that guy what's his name back the j walkers

close to the back.

Yeah.

David, can you pull your mic up closer?

Closer than this?

Yes, please.

Jesus Christ.

That's what guys say when they put their wiener in my face.

Can it go a little closer?

I go, why?

What are we doing?

This isn't a blowjob.

They go, no, no, no.

Just try to touch the back of your throat with it.

I go, but that sounds like it's heading towards a beach.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, is he talking about Kaepernick?

Yeah, there's your boy right there.

And who's the last guy at the end of the line?

That is

that guy?

No.

That's Groll.

Yeah, that guy.

That's the guy in the back.

Yeah, the guy in the back.

That's a woman.

No, that isn't.

It could be.

That guy's just a homeless dude that walked on his set.

He was just like temporarily.

They really got effed on Snow White, though.

That is, it did not work in any way, shape, or form.

That's so cool.

And I guess people didn't like it.

And then Minecraft came along and beat the fucking shit out of it.

Well, also, Snow White, it should be about the fentanyl problem, huh?

I think China White was.

I was around for China White when I was a kid.

Like that was the, I was so lucky because you used to do a little sniffy jiffy, I heard.

And

it is

fun.

There are negatives,

but we always start with the positives, especially about that.

If I could afford more when I was parking cars and being a busboy, I would have

definitely gone crazy.

I could not, thank God.

I could do a quarter gram in a weekend.

And I just, I could only afford 25 bucks.

That was it.

And even that wasn't money well well spent but don't get all excited you're getting a boner it is exciting I mean talking about it doing it it was fun it was hard to just quit it but it's just I just watch and you go no way to have a career there's no way to have anything good with all this pressure and shit you got to do and people like to rat you out and people like to say this guy you know he's a little

fucking disheech disheye little power flower now and then so if they start getting that word out there I luckily never got that word I didn't do any of the whole SNL and that's the funniest part is that I did dabble a little bit before that just because I was in fucking show biz.

And you're from Arizona.

Scottsdale.

Yeah.

Snottsdale.

Yeah.

Well, it doesn't mean it wasn't really the cocaine capital of the world, but you know, I was in the comedy biz and a couple guys had it.

And I was like, fucking,

I would partake just for fun.

And

obviously.

And then, yeah, brother.

But one time I did a lot, and I was like,

I feel like I should go to the hospital.

You know,

and then you'll walk over there.

That's the craziest is.

No, I'm fucking sprinted.

No, because the funny thing is you just turn into John Bonnet.

One bump and I'm like, oh, I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy and I'm feeling great.

And then I, I, I, I made my friend drive me.

And I got there and he's like, and it was freezing and I was shaking and tight.

And he goes, you got to go in there.

And I, and he goes, but they're going to ask because I did stand up for about a year.

Right.

And they go, they're going to ask.

And they're going to, yeah, they're going to have to call the police.

I go, no, no, no, no, extra scared.

And he cranks the heater on in the car.

And I'm starting to fucking sweat.

But this is a good friend because he was there with me for three hours.

He goes, I'll let you, you should go in there in a second, but just tell me more.

And I was like, I was calming down.

This was the trick.

I didn't know this.

And my heart was going from like 3,000 over 2,000 until I started to get back to normal.

And then it got light out.

And then I go, let's go home.

So gross.

And then I go, I'll never do it again.

Four days later, hey, dude.

Yeah.

I'm fucking jinking.

What a great guy.

There's me.

And they make me jump.

Oh, yeah.

Jumping,

brother.

Dude, it's funny.

Beautiful.

In those days, first of all,

because it reminded me of my old car because this place is out in the middle of nowhere next to some junkyard where we're shooting.

It's a nice area.

I mean, it's a nice area if you have no money.

So

I used to go to this junkyard and go to pick a part.

You know what that is?

Where you have, they have all the cars out there.

He can go looking for what you do.

And you get a part for your own car.

No one thinks this ultra pussy did that.

I'd go out there with a goddamn socket wrench, looking for a Subaru brat handle.

You know, they go, go out there.

And that's how all that Joe Dirt stuff started.

Because I'm like, I did that, get an alternator, put it in my Volvo, put it in wrong,

and just live that gross life.

And it's 110 degrees out there, and you're burning your hands.

I remember my old Volvo was a 62, and I

it looked like a planter.

I should have shaved the top off, filled it with dirt, and I would take

if I ever had a date, which was rare, it was leaking a quart of oil a day.

Yeah, so for those of you at home that don't know, that's a lot.

And I had to buy a quart, I mean, like a box of pen's oil, and then every day at some point I had to put a cord in.

And if you ever had a date, it was so embarrassing because at some point I had to have them put a cord in, you know,

and I had to explain how to do it.

And I had to sit in the front seat and go, No, you got to poke the hole, and then you got to poke one of the other side.

Well, that was like the original Viagra, I think, was like you'd have to pull your car and put a cord of oil in it, you know.

Yeah, but the rev of the engine would keep everybody

possible, yeah, man.

It would keep you sexually possible, you know,

but then now it's like, dude, just you have people literally drinking oil and blue chews or whatever.

It's like, it's all on the responsibility.

I think

there's a new problem where it's like,

I don't want this guy screaming at me again.

The microphone's too far away from my mug.

So there's a new problem with

a lot of people on medication.

And when I grew up, I don't think anyone was.

Now, did we have autism?

Did we have ADD?

It just, people thought you're weird.

That's all, you know?

So, or just different.

And then now people are on uppers, downers.

So there's that, and some boners go away.

That's what I'm hearing.

So that's why Blue Chew and boner pills are everywhere.

And

they're for younger people, not just people.

Oh, you'll see.

You can't even get a kid's diaper off because he's all winged up.

He's rotted up.

Yeah.

Fucking rock art.

Winged up?

Is that one?

I mean, I don't know what these fucking sundial in there.

I like no picture.

No picture for that.

Sometimes, like, you'll go to the dad.

You'll be like that.

Yeah, good job, dude.

But nothing crazy.

And they're not big.

It's nothing you can keep a spare key on or anything.

You know, you can hang your coat.

Yeah.

No, no, I know.

Baby boners are really.

I feel like when I go to the gas station and they always have like

those sort of fake ones right there.

Oh, yeah, like rhinoceros.

Yeah.

Two billion, huh?

Impulse by and I go, I don't know.

And I'm getting my stuff.

Here's my pretzels.

And they're like, hey, rod for the road.

I'm like, why not?

I mean, I'm going to Irvine.

It's a long drive.

Who wants a boner to drive around?

Anyway, I don't know if that's what they're for.

Yeah, I don't get them.

I don't get a lot of like man-made boners or whatever they're called anymore.

I get mine.

Yeah, there's some PowerZen,

vicious pussy serpent.

Extreme rod.

Yeah.

Actually, this is kind of merged with like

the fireworks circuit.

I think these things and fireworks are so close to being just compatible.

Yeah.

Dude, I heard a story that

we had, we just had a bus driver when we were doing touring for stand-up.

Yeah.

And he,

either he or his brother had driven you.

And one time you stopped at a fireworks stand and went in and did your Joe Dirt bid.

Is that true?

Well, I think we had the same driver because I think he texted me and said, I got Theo now.

But I don't do a lot of bus tours.

And we were, I think in Kentucky, it was perfecto for Joe Dirt.

And so, so many people were saying, were knowing me from Joe Dirt that I said, fuck, there are fireworks stands here.

Like, there were in Arizona when I grew up.

And so I said, let's, let's find one and pull over.

I just want to go in and see what they have, you know?

Yeah.

See the new stuff.

You got the good stuff.

I did ask them if they got the good stuff.

And then

so the funny part was we went in and it was sort of an older woman and

two young guys.

And they knew me right away.

But I I did have a hat on and shades, but they knew it right away.

And then they took me around and showed me all their ones.

The Godfather, this one.

You know, it's basically just, basically, you get to a point where what North Korea has.

It's really, it gets very extreme.

We, when I grew up, Black Cats, the basics, M80s, Roman Candles were a hit.

Yeah.

And then...

whistling

pussy chasers.

That's what we called them in the movie.

Then we had to switch it to Kitty Chaser.

Oh, really?

Is that true?

Oh, yeah.

Whistling bungle.

Yeah.

And

Spleen Splitters.

Yeah, me and Fred Wolfe just made these up.

Some sound reel.

Them whisker biscuits, those honky lighters are for sure.

Yeah, cherry bombs is real.

Kicking wing, whistling bungholes is fake.

But we had quarter sticks, M80s.

We'd go to Mexico and get

quarter sticks and half sticks of dynamite.

Really?

No supervision at all.

Yeah.

Yeah, when they have real dynamite, that's That's not fireworks anymore.

No, it gets in a different area.

Yeah, like you should join a labor union.

They're like, oh, they open your trunk.

They go, I go, I've got fireworks.

They're like, this is an AR-15.

I go, I know.

Fire comes out the front.

It's very murky, what you can describe as fireworks these days.

Yeah, we had, I'm trying to think, the craziest where fire don't works, like the ones where you'd light them and it would just come out the other side or you would light them and then your stepdad would call your mom a whore and just drive off.

You're like, how is this even?

oh, yeah, yeah.

It was like, oh, is this a

fireworks of Coachella misfires and hits area near a crowd of people and sets tree on fire.

Oh, I think this was part of MGK's outfit.

This is part of his outfit.

Dude, how bad did you fucking miss?

You're just aiming for the air.

Oh, they should make the fireworks when you light them and then they only hit a pedophile when they take off.

Yeah, that would.

Pedophile chasers?

Yeah, and just light them up in DC.

This looks like the inside of the Minecraft movie when they bring the chicken jockey out.

Have you seen that?

People light fireworks in there now.

There's a part of the movie that something happens.

Everyone used to throw popcorn at the screen and now they've gone.

Now they get in fights and they light up firecrackers and it goes bananas.

So they have to stop the movie now.

Is it like

kind of like Rocky War Pictures?

A little bit.

Worse because

they were contained and they, okay, something's going to wrong, go wrong.

Is this Terry?

This is like...

Just back it up, Terry.

Let's see it.

Are we allowed to show this?

Yeah, it's the darker side of fireworks here.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if this is the guy that should be lighting him and running.

He should sort of be kicking back about 100 feet away.

Yeah, yeah, this is crazy, dude.

These guys do not look like professionals for sure.

They don't even know where to light it.

This guy's make-a wish foundation.

I want to light fireworks.

Get out of there, Terry.

Ow, let's go.

No one helps him.

Damn, Terry.

What you doing, Terry?

Help him.

I'm like, what are you doing, Terry?

Help fucking Terry.

He's blinded.

He can't see the goddamn control panel.

God.

It's so funny.

I cannot stand and watch people on...

that just film things and never get involved.

They laugh their fucking ass up no matter what.

Did you see the guy who fell in the water the other day?

No.

Oh, bring up that guy who they paid, they owed him like $300 or $400 to get into the water of like a flash flood, basically.

Oh, I'm sure he's dead.

It was a beautiful young man.

I don't know how he's doing.

See if you can find that.

Yeah, while we're doing it.

The craziest was like the saddest was we had a guy by us, a dad, and he was like...

Just like barely a day.

He was like kind of like a whimsical kind of dad.

Like wished he'd never probably been been married

to a, and I'm going to say this fast so I don't sound like sexist or anything.

Woman, you know?

And he would only get his kids smoke bombs.

So they would light like a million smoke bombs.

I don't like smoke bombs.

But they were cool, but they would have nothing.

And they would do so many.

It would look like that Indian holiday or whatever.

You know, the one where like suddenly you see this bunch of Indian people crossing the street who look like they got attacked by like an Easter

like an Easter chalkboard or something, you know?

Like it on top of that.

Like they clap the yes.

Like somebody just emptied more LeBron at the Laker game.

He goes like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like it was Easter Sunday and LeBron was just firing off right in front of him.

Steve, smoke bombs aren't as fun as they sound.

You need more shit going on.

Is this it?

Oh, yeah.

There's firecrafts in the Minecraft.

See?

In the movie theater?

I've got my fucking story checks out.

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh my God.

And who did this?

Israel?

Yeah,

this is Gaza.

This is crazy.

Like we say Gaza, we laugh.

It's so fucking uncool.

It's so

comedy show.

It's hard if sometimes you got, hey, you know what a police officer told me one time?

He said that they'll have, they'll show up in a place with a bunch of murders and you'll see police officers stand outside laughing because it's a thing that happens to people when stuff's painful.

Yeah, it's so serious.

He says they do it.

Well, that's what comedians do.

It's too heavy duty.

Dude, well, the reason we brought you here is because you have a comedy special coming out, man.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

First of all, thank you for coming, dude.

no of course you look great dude i love seeing you thank you dude you've been drinking tomato juice or something

remember when v8 was the only healthy thing i don't think there's one tomato in v8 i don't know what's in it they were like this is the

when you were growing up oh dude yeah and rich guys would pour it in their engine or whatever as well And some people would pour it in their butt.

Yeah.

Some like really rich guys would pour it in their butt.

I had V8.

It was, it was never, I never liked it.

It was tomato juice and I think vegetable juice.

But like, who drank it?

I think like a mom would drink it if they were healthy or they were trying to make a baby or whatever.

It didn't get around my squad, but I know that I heard about it and I was grossed out by it.

You know what's funny is I was just in Las Vegas.

Oh, you know, we went to a fight.

I was going to tell you this.

We went to a UFC fight, right?

Theo and I went to a fight, you know, about a year or so ago.

And you know what I called you to go to this fight?

I thought it was in Vegas and it was in Florida.

Oh.

Oh.

And then you had a gig that night anyway.

That was a great card.

You, me, and also your.

Jodi.

Jodi.

And also

the comedian, famous comedian.

Oh, Dennis.

And Dennis Miller all the way one more time.

That was great.

So do you remember this story?

Did I already tell you this?

You know it, obviously.

So this time, I just did a corporate yesterday at Vegas.

So I'm staying at the area.

Aria, short for, named after Ariana Grande.

I don't know.

I don't know.

And so I'm over there and it's connected to the hotel we were at.

Yeah.

And the day we went to the show, the you like to go early to the fights, as you know, because you go help set up the chairs and armor all the ropes.

And

you go because the fight started like fucking one.

I'm like, we just landed and you're like, you want to go there?

You want to go to the hotel first?

I'm like, well, I think it's at seven.

And you're like, and you're being so nice, going, oh, you want to go, you want to wait till seven?

And I'm like, yeah, because that's the good ones start.

They're on TV.

And it's still three hours and for spade to sit for three hours is fucking rough with these brittle fucking bones so you're like cool cool we'll go at seven I and I didn't know that you wanted to go really bad earlier so we're eating and I'm like this this spaghetti is good you're like let's fucking go so I have a car taking us it's a it's like a black suburban right

so AC in it we go out front he's not there It's so weird because they always get there early.

And you're like, well, we got to go.

It's quarter to seven and we got to be there at seven.

And we're next to the arena.

And I'm like, fuck, where's this guy?

And then he hits me up and goes, hey, dude, you go, let's get an Uber.

And I go, well, give him a second.

And then I go, he goes, oh, I spaced.

I'm sending another car.

It'll be there in a second.

I go, we're in a hurry.

He goes, it's very close.

So this,

and I see you're Jenkins.

First I've seen you kind of get mad.

Yeah.

Because I was getting mad too.

Cause I'm like, fuck, what is, where's this guy?

And plus, we're stressed.

So the suburban pulls up.

We jump in.

And the guy goes, okay, where are you going to?

And he goes, you teal?

And you're like, yeah.

And I'm like, hmm.

And then I go, this is my driver.

And then I look down and we start.

It was International Fight Week.

Yeah, it was.

This is good.

This is how he sounds.

This actually sounds like him.

It's not nothing bad.

So then the driver texts me and goes, hey, did you just pull out?

I just saw you.

And I go, wait, is this not the car?

And I go, Theo, what is this?

And you go, I call it an Uber, dude.

It's taking too long.

I go, okay.

So we go.

And now I go, and the funny part was, I go, hey, dude, all right.

If you're going to this T-Mobile, we got to go in the loading dock.

that's where we have to get our tickets and enter and he goes oh no that's only for vip special yeah and i go right and then he goes you want vip special yeah and we go no and he goes oh you have to be special and i go oh we we're we special and he goes no no that's for special people and i'm like i get it and then theo goes no he's special he does movies and stuff and he looks back and he goes no he no special

how do you know i'm no special you fuck so

he wouldn't take us.

So then

you just go, let's just get out.

Yeah.

So we just got out in the street and we saw a door.

And then they go, oh, you.

Wrong door.

Yeah, you got to go to work.

For animals and like lighting.

For all of Noah's Ark's animals.

And so they go, so we're trying to get a hold of everyone.

And they go, you're not at the special door.

We go, I know this fucking guy wouldn't believe it.

So we had to find a way to get either all the way to the other side or cut through.

They finally sent someone to get us Yeah, but it was quite humiliating the guy didn't believe for a second we were special not at all I even showed him a video of yours from one of your movies and he laughed That's funny.

And he's like, oh, it kind of looked like him, but not him.

UFC 315 will be on the TV.

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Yeah, recently I was paying for something, butcher bargain, or I don't know what it was, something.

This a monthly meat deal where they sending you meat.

And

I didn't know I was still paying for it.

And it was in my old address.

So somebody over there is just eating my bacon.

Somebody over there is just slurping up on my sirloin cuts that I was paying for.

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You know what's funny is

I wish we could show that little clip that you have of the movie.

We could if we want.

I don't think we can because

can we air it because of the music or not?

I don't know.

Oh, that's a good point, huh?

You know, I don't know.

Ask those fucking clowns in there.

Did they take off?

We could show it on silent if we want.

Dude,

it's good with the song.

Anyway, that's all.

Because you show that clip in your show.

Yeah, we showed it during the halftime or like towards the end of the show.

Yeah, my friend was in Tallahassee.

They hit me up.

They go, oh my God, this fucking clip just played.

It's great.

Yeah.

Did they really?

They were excited.

Oh, that's awesome.

They're at your show.

Oh, that's cool.

It's been well received by people.

You know, just people getting to see the, getting to

it.

See the trailer for Bus Boys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think, what do you think is the toughest part now having like kind of put a movie together from the beginning?

What do you think is kind of one of the toughest parts?

Fuck.

I mean, it's, it's all, um,

it's tough all the way along the way because we're just doing it alone.

Usually we work for a boss, Paramount, Sony, Netflix.

You know, they tell us what to do and we kind of just, we're, we're on our own, but we also know there's someone else calling some shots, the bigger shots, budgetary things, this and that, casting, we have to agree on.

So I rarely, I had never gone into it like this where it's just me and you.

And that's good.

There's some, some tough part about it, but it's overall the best because we put it up, we're going in.

It's such a complicated process, so it's almost too much because usually there's someone that cover this and you can kind of oversee it.

But to get into everything about pre-production and budget and casting and locations and all the union stuff we got to know, that's where it gets hard.

And now we've gotten through the hard part.

We got it.

We shot it through the fires, through all the stuff.

Very tough.

Very tough to get through a movie.

And then there were so many things that were tough.

I always say after a movie, I'm not doing this again.

It's too hard.

And everyone thinks I'm, you know, huge pussy.

But it's more, it's mentally tough.

It's hard.

You got to memorize stuff.

You're driving all day.

You're getting out there at dark.

And it's such a luxury to do a movie that you can't complain to anyone.

I can complain to you.

But we're in it together.

So we get it.

And you can tell other people in movies.

But regular people go,

you know, they actually bust their ass.

Right.

So we're, we're like pretending to be people that work hard.

That's our, that's us in a movie.

So

we're bust boys.

So anyway, uh, yeah, they give you just long enough to polish the gun that you have in your trailer.

And then before you can use it on yourself, you're like, hey, we need you back on.

Yeah, it's always like, where are they?

I'm walking with number two, where here's number one.

I go for a walk.

They just follow me.

Yeah.

They walk out of your set.

You know, you walk around the trailer and you're like, and you're always mic'd and you're always, it's all, you know, and it's fucking freezing.

I thought it'd be too hot.

It's freezing.

So anyway, we finish it and now it's rough cutted.

And now

the hard part is just getting it to a point.

where we think it's good and you're not wasting jokes.

Yeah.

Like a lot of things we did had like Theo was very very good on the set of, we're actually good together because I think you're great.

And if we have a scene and we do it, then we just start goofing around like a couple before we leave, get a few extra jokes.

And so which one of those do we use?

It's very hard because you go, this is funny for one reason.

This is funny for another.

And the rest of your life, people will remember one joke and they'll never see the other three.

And you go, fuck, did we pick the right one for that?

That.

for someone who's indecisive like me, and you are kind of too, that it's hard to do.

And then you just got to pick one lock it down and then we'll probably i think our next step will show it to like 20 30 people because you really get a feel for where there's a dead spot where there's something that works yeah you gotta have honest friends look at it yeah and i have friends and and friends are always gonna start by saying they like it and then but i haven't had one person look at it yet same i'm too scared i um the director of uh all these movies, Pete Siegel, who's a great guy, he came by the set one day and he did anger management and the longest yard and 50 First Dates and Tommy Boy and all these movies.

So he, I said, I might have you take a look at it because I just want you as an observer, objectively, where are we with this?

And that's the only guy.

But I do want at some point when you get your fixes in and we get, we get something we kind of like and then we show it.

Yeah.

And then that'll tell us a lot.

We'll be like, oh my God, this is way funnier than we thought.

They're laughing at this stuff instead of that laugh.

Well, I didn't see that coming like a cutaway.

And then they go, oh, this feels flat.

And some people might be confused.

At the end, we go,

where, did you understand what this is?

People are like, were you guys playing fucking bus boys?

We're like, oh, boy, we're way off.

Okay.

And you didn't get that part.

Because, you know, people don't know.

They, they just watch it.

Yeah.

I mean, that's the scariest part, I feel like, is trying to just like see before you show it to somebody is like, do is what I think makes sense here make sense to other people.

Right.

Cause we know it.

We're too close to it.

Yeah.

I think it gets.

Even jokes where people people go, I see one clip and they go, oh, that's great.

I go, oh, it is?

Because I've seen it 10 times.

I don't know what's funny anymore.

Yeah.

You know, so it does take objectively,

but it's so fucking stressful.

What do you feel like was one of the funnest days that we had?

That's a good question.

It's funny because every day has an underlying stress level of knowing your lines, getting things done, losing the light.

We got to get this.

Is it right?

Do we know what we're doing?

Is it set up, blocking, all that shit?

But

I'm good at giving long answers that are boring.

I thought it was fun

when we were in the layer with the drugs.

Yeah.

That was kind of fun because there's a lot of people.

When there's a lot of people, it's fun.

Yeah.

When there's a lot of people, it's fun.

We kept having to go up and down that ladder, like Ninja Turtle.

Remember that?

That was in a condemned building that.

I go, I guarantee you, they should shut this down.

Yeah,

there was like asbestos like art on the walls and everything.

We had to write asbestos into the script because there was so much.

It was like co-starring.

And yeah, we were underneath like a Sears building in downtown.

You remember the alarm went off or the

old heater went off in there and it just like,

I think it was an old nuclear reactor or something or it was an amber alert.

It made McMuffins.

I know that.

Yeah, we would go.

I go, oh, it's lunch.

They cleared us all out from the side.

We shouldn't even tell them this.

But anyway, I like that.

We were on on the desert a lot.

It was kind of fun being out.

And then we were in there doing bus boy shit with Tim Dylan.

I thought it was funny.

Oh, yeah, he's fun.

Yeah, that was great.

Just getting to see him.

He has a new special that just came out, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, he's great.

You just have a comedy special.

Oh, yeah.

My, I'm sorry.

Coming up.

You guys hear him okay?

Sorry.

Yeah, it's great.

Okay.

David, could you put the mic behind you now?

Would that help?

You have a comedy special coming up.

I do.

I did a

comedy special for Amazon, and we did it in Denver.

And

it's interesting, you know, putting together a comedy special, you're on the road.

And sometimes you want new stuff in there that's a little undercooked because it's new and different, and you just started doing it.

And then sometimes you want to,

and then you want the most.

And then the most of the stuff is polished and buffed.

So you got to, I did it probably an hour 20 and cut it down to just under an hour.

Dang, big gun.

Is this a clip or is that a photo?

A little overshot.

Play that clip a little bit.

Is there a clip?

Let's see if there's anything clippable here.

Oh, this is fucking funny.

I feel it already.

I was eight years old.

I almost got kidnapped.

I'll make it funny.

I came out weird.

Blonde hair.

Looked like exactly Macaulay Caulkin.

And I was kind of tan.

I was like, shorts.

I mean, it was almost entrapment.

I'm a bit of a dandelion.

I don't know if you can tell.

I look tough on TV, but these quads are deceiving.

Yeah, you have some guy, yo.

Yeah, look at that.

Dandelion.

Dandelion is because I'm such a fucking puss.

And I couldn't think of a good name.

That's, oh no, you're great, dude.

It looks great.

You look very healthy in that.

It reminds me of David Dukovny.

Yeah.

A little bit.

And the guy

from

the guy from

that guy, his partner on the TV show?

I'm talking about Shrek?

No.

Go ahead.

Who wants it?

It's like

the guy who's got all the kids.

Tim, Tim, the Toolman Taylor.

That's him.

You were looking for Al Borland?

Al Borland.

That's who I look like

with the fucking shirt on.

You look like Gal Borland, the dude that gets the Gals.

That's hysterical.

That was not exactly what I was going for.

And thank you for that insulting insult.

But no, he seems like a good dude.

I just don't.

Actually, he looks better than me.

Fuck, what am I doing?

What the fuck, dude?

Yeah, screw him showing up with him.

Is that Playgirl magazine?

Look at him.

He's naked from the waist down with his dong out.

Yeah, you don't get to see that anymore.

You know, like when they tell you what to wear, I mean, they don't tell you, but they go, what are you going to wear?

And of course, I'm not like a full girl going to the Oscars.

So I go, I don't know.

So it gets closer, and they're like, show it so we can hold it up with the backdrop.

I go, I don't give a shit, dude.

So I get there and I have two outfits.

I have this outfits is already bad enough.

Yeah.

I just said outfits.

So I walk into the rack like Elton John.

Like a Nordstrom rack?

No, just a rack of clothes.

Oh, yeah.

From Nordstrom.

Yeah.

So I go in there and I go, what about this?

And then I go out there that day and they're like, do you still not know?

And I go, I don't know.

And then

I wear the shirt and then I go, I'm going to put, so I just wore a shirt and a coat that I wasn't supposed to wear.

Because, you know, and they go, you need a copy of that in case.

I go, you think I'm going to ruin this between shows?

And they're like, yeah.

So I fell for that last time.

And then Nikki Glazier goes, oh, I have some dress from like 1930.

And I go, well, don't you have to have a double?

She goes, fuck that.

I'm not going to.

And I go, yeah, what am I doing?

Why am I taking fucking orders?

Wasting money on extra clothes, too.

Yeah.

And all of mine are like one-of-a-kind.

Oh, it's, you can tell that's authentic.

One-of-a-kind flannel shirt

that you can have in any Google search in two seconds.

But it was fun to do.

I'm glad it's out.

It's fun.

You know, some of the jokes I still do because they're longer now.

That's the funny thing is you do a joke and then it's a minute of your act and then now it's a five-minute chunk.

I'm like, oh, but I did the beginning, but now it's so much longer.

But I don't really care.

I like a couple of things I've done before because they really work.

And then I put in new stuff and then it's just always in rotation of I'll pull something from the old bag and then I'll have all this new shit.

So whatever.

Yeah, that's kind of how I feel.

Is that what you do?

What do you do?

Yeah, it's like there's some bits i do because i know people want to hear them and there's some people's favorites and it's like well i want to make sure i get that in for a couple minutes 100 if it's a big show i because you know it's never like you do some bit

that works

and it doesn't work like if it bombed and people are like boo like you did that before it's not like that they still work yeah you just yeah they want to see the new stuff too and sometimes when i go to people if i saw you i'd be like i remember the first time i saw you and stuff you were doing i'd be like oh i hope he does this and this and this, because those are like my fun ones.

I want to tell someone and have them watch them.

Yeah.

And then sometimes I do that with comics and they don't do it.

And I go,

I go, because sometimes, you know, by the fifth special these people do, it's just too watered down.

It's too hard to be that good in one year.

It's too hard.

You don't buff them out.

You need to really work on it.

Dude, that's, I don't think you have to.

I mean, it's like, I haven't had a special.

I'm thinking four years now.

Yeah, you don't need it.

If we do it this year, it'll be four years.

But also, I've been on the same tour for years, but it's like, there's so many places you can go.

It's like, I don't mind going to a town that has 30,000 people in it.

You know, it's like you cannot do it and probably have a family and stuff like that and have pets you own or semi-owned.

God owns them.

As long as they have a 30,000-seat theater, then you can.

Yeah, but as long as it's like, but if we can go over there, I think I'd rather do it.

Yeah, you're printing money.

Oh, David, that is God.

If I had your money, I'd throw mine away.

Oh, dude, get out of here.

You just bought a new car, didn't you?

You bought a car lot.

Yeah, dude.

I got a car.

Fuck yeah.

You see me buzzing around.

Did you just buy the original Joe Dirt car?

No.

I did not.

It was $330,000.

I didn't know it would be that much.

Was it really?

Yeah, I went to an auction.

Did you even look at it?

Were you there on the auction?

No, but the guy DMed me and he said, hey, do you want to

buy the old Joe Dirk?

I go, is it the fucking real one?

Because I do like cars and I don't have enough room for them, but

I'm into it.

I'm like, I'm not going to drive the thing around.

I'd like to have it just to have it.

The director of Tommy Boy has a Tommy Boy car.

And I'm like, those are fun to have.

So I said, how much?

And he goes, I'm deciding between three and 500 grand.

I go, I'm sorry, what?

The fucking shitty one at the beginning of Joder, it didn't even have a Hemi in it.

It was a fake pretend.

It was like an old, you know, Vega.

And we just put like, yeah, this thing.

Joder at 69 Charger Daytona.

It's fucking cool, though.

Is he selling it for $4.50?

In 1969, Daytona presented here, starred in the $60 million grossing hit comedy, The Adventures of Joe Dirt.

Fuck yeah.

What does that say up there?

$450?

Can you read?

Yeah, one of the funniest scenes depicts Joda, the Impound Lot, financially unstable to retrieve his mint, 67 Plymouth, Himmy GTX convertible.

He's buying the charger Daytona instead.

You bought it for $450 in the movie, apparently.

Oh, $450?

In the movie.

Oh, I didn't see the movie.

Do we know the closing price on that?

Yeah, he hit me up for $300 to $500,000.

I go.

go,

can you live in it?

I was like, yeah.

Is this an RV?

How many square feet is it?

Is it in a good neighborhood?

No, I just said, I said, I think I said something to the effect of get fucked.

No, I was like, hey, man,

I didn't know it would be like that.

I don't know if I have it.

Because, you know, in the real world, expensive, baby, dude.

You got to make a million to clear 350.

So I'm like, I don't know if.

I'm making a million this week.

So I just said no, even though I said I'd really like it.

I just, a little too rich for my blood right now.

Because I thought, what am I doing?

I just got to park it.

I can't really drive.

It's fun to have.

I'd rather honestly have it in my fucking living room.

What a cool thing to have.

Just walk in.

Hey, this is the car from the movie.

And so I didn't think he'd get close to that.

It sold for $330.

God.

Yeah.

To who?

Probably an Asian guy?

No, the guy had a Joder tattoo on his chest.

Oh.

And he was a full fucking fan.

So he hit me up to get the bought it.

And so now I've talked to him.

And what do you guys talk about?

I like these guys.

We just talk about pop music.

You're like, hey, go sit in and just turn it on for me.

I want to hear it.

No, I just go, I miss her, man.

I miss her.

Just put her on the phone.

He's like, mail me some semen.

And you're like, oh, yeah, I don't miss her that much.

No, I do that.

I'll do that.

I'll do that once.

Do you think,

would you guys ever have done a Tommy Boy 2?

Do you think you and Farley ever would have done it?

I mean, Black Sheep was sort of the next summer, and it was sort of

the same.

type of movie.

We should have just kept it Pete Siegel and just done it again.

He wasn't available.

It just would have kept track of kind of how it was.

But I did like Black Sheep.

We had another movie that we were talking about at the very end, and it would have been great.

Yeah, I mean, would I have liked to have like a run-and-gun buddy to goofra?

He would have been all over the place.

He would have been working with everybody.

I mean, even at that point toward the end, because he's almost more famous now because everyone looks back.

But when you're in it and he's just getting famous, but still all the big hosts that would come in would like go right to him.

So he could have worked with anybody, big directors.

You could do more drama.

He would have done a lot of stuff with Adam.

I mean, he loved Adam and always thought he was great.

Sand Lauren, you mean?

Yeah, yeah.

He was very tight with Adam.

And I was just lucky to be in a couple with him, but he would have been out there doing everything.

I remember when he was in Coneheads, we all were in Conehead.

Even Adam was in Coneheads.

And Lauren, it was sort of an assignment.

You know, we all, he was just like, you're going to play this.

And he just had plucked everyone.

There's probably 15 people messing out in it.

And somehow still didn't work that well.

But I loved being in it.

And he was in it.

He had a pretty big part.

And he was funny.

Look at him.

There he is.

Oh, he looks so handsome.

Did you get to keep the cone from that?

No, but you know what?

It's it that will barely fit up your butt.

If you

she's really pretty, by the way, that was Michelle Burke.

This is after they took a photo of Farley and they take it so strong that he it blows his hair back or something.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, that's funny as shit.

But Akroyd, yeah, so that was a blast.

So I would say the answer is

would have loved to keep doing stuff and just have him around to hang out with.

Yeah, yeah, obviously to have him be alive.

But do you think that you would have been able to do a Tommy Boy?

In all these scenarios, he's alive.

You know, it'd be great.

No, if he's alive, you have to add that caveat.

If you had to do Tommy Boy 2, what what would the plot even have gone into, you think?

Tommy Boy 2, Electric Boogaloo.

You know,

I was pitched a Tommy Boy 2, which was Our Kids Are Together.

And Our Kids Are.

But this is, I was pitched it two years ago.

And I'm like, I just can't find a scenario with No Farley.

It's not, they used the whole movie.

Even if it has a good title, Tommy Boy's in the title.

But it would be too much of a sellout.

I can't imagine.

I mean,

no one could do that.

Were they going to do it with CJR?

Use one of his brothers to do it, you think?

No, it was just like it was his, it was our kids, and it was about them.

And then I was going to come help them on the road or something.

But I go, if, listen, there's the magic in the bottle was, was Chris.

And so

I had a good part.

I had a lot of fun in it, but it was about Christopher.

And so,

you know, yeah.

If we did another one back then, it would have been a blast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder what it could have been about, too.

Wow.

No, I don't know.

I don't, I never even thought about that

brake pads are so funny there's endless jokes about i mean that movie that's what i always say is that if we pitched the tommy boy movie just like two guys selling brake pads it's just not enough to sell a movie people wouldn't listen now no it's just not funny maybe minstrel pads you could have gone to

that's not a bad idea yeah that we go sell them stop the flow yeah that's like things are getting out of hand maybe women's lib was getting crazy yeah and then he dresses like one in a parking lot

He's like, okay, my mom looks like.

And some big woman comes and goes, let me try it out.

And then he's like, I've been having my period for 11 months straight.

These are, these are trailer moments.

That actually would have been hilarious, too.

More like, these are cutscenes from our possible movie.

Yeah.

Did you ever do a Farley impersonation or no?

He did this a lot, you know?

Just funny, you get nervous.

Damn it.

Then he goes, like,

pulls on his hair when he's nervous, like in the meeting with the host.

He'd pull on the carpet.

And everyone's just like, even like the host is like some Michael Keaton going, is this fucking dude okay?

Because they didn't really know him yet.

And he was so nervous about shit and

always funny.

But he would always try to make you laugh, always try to do anything, fall down at work.

do anything.

Oh, fall on the piano, just anything to get everyone to laugh.

Because also he was taken care of.

He wasn't writing sketches.

So he just was tra-la la around the office.

There's no stress because he's going to be in 18 things.

They're just, everyone's going to write him in.

Oh, that's a good point.

And if you write him in, like, that's the big trick at SNL is you got to get someone to write for you.

And I would get mad.

I go, you don't write for me enough.

They're like, what do you do?

And I'm like,

you're right.

You just think, I'm great.

And then they go, wow.

And there's no proof.

And I'm like, yeah.

So you have to kind of do a joke on the office, or it's sort of thirsty, but do an impression or something.

And someone goes, you should do something with that.

And then, or they go, Oh, you can do that.

Oh, we might put you in this because we need someone like that.

But mostly I was like, smart alecky stupid shit because that's the only thing they saw.

And I wrote that Hollywood Minute where it was, I was making fun of everybody.

And that kind of was a good hook for me.

But it wasn't enough to be like super characters.

That really wasn't my thing.

I went with his brother to SNL.

Remember that?

Oh, that's right.

You hit me up.

Like you connected us.

I was like.

John.

Yeah, John.

John, yeah.

Johnny Farley.

And I was was like, and he hadn't been back, dude, since

he hadn't been back since Chris was there.

Did he hit you up to go there?

Did I tell you guys to go?

Or were you just in New York?

He took advantage of us, I think.

But whatever.

Oh, no, I think you said to me, hey, he's going to be there.

Oh, yeah, I did.

To tell him hello.

But he hits you up to get him in there.

Can you make a call, Davey?

Yeah.

Don't tell Jen.

Yeah, he was in the wrong messy.

We put him in that.

He was in

Bench Warmers.

He's funny in that.

Was it fun there for you?

You'd never been there, right?

I'd never been.

Yeah, what was it like?

It was interesting to just see the place you guys had all been at and what kind of like...

Photos everywhere.

Yeah.

Just what it was like.

Like, I think I pictured it more of like an old school type of dormitory vibe.

But our offices were up higher.

Oh, then maybe it was up there.

We'd be there all week, and then we'd just come down to the show, but you might have to host it one day.

It was pretty interesting there.

Would you be able to handle it?

I don't know.

Depends on who the musical guest is, I guess.

Is that the whole thing?

Yeah.

What if it's fucking

Jelly Pop, your buddy or whatever?

Remember he?

Oh, yeah, Jelly Roll?

Yeah, he came over to us at Koi one time and said hi.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I'm trying to think of him.

I said, hey, the bouncer's coming over.

He wants to talk to you.

Yeah.

He walks over and goes,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, whoop, motorcycle did this guy, bro.

This guy.

Oh, did we park in front of you?

He was was nice, dude.

He knew you from.

Yeah, him and Bunny came over.

I remember that.

That was cool.

Dude, that was awesome.

That was like, I think he had come out here to do Jimmy Kimmel or something.

It was like one of his first times being out there.

Right, right, right.

And then we saw Luke Bryan at dinner.

We see all your goat rooper buddies.

Yeah.

Dude, that was fun.

Yeah, he came over.

That's when we used to have a good time, man.

Yeah, what happened?

Now we're just grinding on the movie every day going, oh.

I know.

Now we're just like, how do we fucking?

Tra la.

Yeah, dude, that was fun, huh?

I remember that.

I was excited.

Luke frickin' Brian.

We took a picture with him.

He sat down with us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, dude, what's comes in with you?

Yeah.

He had two bites of somebody's potatoes out there.

No, we have fun.

We go to UFC and everyone knows.

I remember before you even blew up,

so many people knew you at UFC.

I was like, holy shit, man, these people know this clown.

I don't know about that.

There we are right there.

Look at my hair.

It's quite puffy.

Look at how good.

You look like definitely like one of those rich people's dogs.

I i do for sure dude now i see why your mom has you come home a lot yeah she's like i need this little cute puff right here in my lap dude

look at that my fucking sweater pops don't even try to argue that solid choice and there's luke looks like he just fucking luke

that does look like me

I'm a bit of a lap dog.

Yeah, you look like you spent time at NYU a little bit.

I'll fucking gnaw on a sausage.

Oh look at you dirt oh you're just dumb just like how did i even get here what are we eating fucking oysters oh my gosh jesus what a bunch of idiots somebody ordered that little when they put those little when that the shrimp they put them upstairs like they're about to commit suicide or whatever

that little uh it's like a little

shrimp rack or whatever yeah like the second story shrimp they hide them all on the edge of like they're trying to hide from it's like bitch we see you they're all naked though look at those fucking shrimps they charge you by the shrimps you know it gets unreal in some place it's six that is the that is the most expensive place because i won't say the name but

the steak sauce was seven bucks each you get a little thing like this of a one and it's like dish dish dish seven seven seven and then the bread was 15.

i had fillet i had filet of soul right i go oh you had filet of what and

dude don't you watch fishing shows you had fillet of soul soul

oh how rude we pull it up see if it's real you're eating human spirit in there no filet of.

Yeah.

That's rich.

Oh, shocking.

It checks out as a fish.

Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Anyway, it's kind of like carp.

No, I don't know what it's like.

It is.

So I get this and they go, do you want the catch of the day?

And I know it's a rich place.

I go, don't try to rat.

Fuck me, dudes.

I'm going to take this dog shit off the menu.

It says market price, but I go, fine.

I get it.

It's like leather.

It's kind of gross, you know, but fine.

$150.

I go, I have never heard about fish being 150 150 hours yeah and they put you get the head and the tail or they just give you the money no you should that's crazy but you come to my house fucking clean my car yeah dude that's crazy 150 bucks for one piece of fish on real yeah that would never fly in the bible dude no

no what you do is they have the fish with their mouth i guess yeah and something you go like this oh you're gonna go to work for that 150 and the fish is like

fish is like i got teeth no you do not nice try

Yeah.

Somebody's getting a salib of tart to sauce.

It's not in the Bible either.

God.

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When you,

yes, whenever you pass away.

How do you remember to ask questions?

I always watch this thing and I'm like, I can't remember shit to talk to people about.

Dude, first of all, I'm a BLM advocate.

So I get a lot of this show.

Oh, there's you on us now.

Who is that?

They're like, ladies and gentlemen, BLM.

And they're like, oh, is that the musical group?

Is that you all happy?

When were you that happy?

Never.

Fucking shit.

Is that AI?

Is that Tom Brady's teeth?

Oh, my God.

I'll rent out advertising space on those fucking chompers.

Are those your teeth?

That's G-A-I, dude.

That's horrible.

G-A-Y, yeah.

The forearms are nice.

I was about to say your forearms look good and they shaved you a little bit.

God.

Your whole body's shaved.

Well,

it's going to be as soon as I get in shape.

No, you look good there.

Well, why can't you look more like AI?

Well, well.

Do you think whenever you die, where do you want your body, where do you want your ashes spread, do you think?

Oh, I was just talking about this.

No, I wasn't.

What are you going to do with them?

No, what'll I do?

You're kind of a trickster.

No, I'm not going to do any tricks.

Really?

I don't want any weird stuff.

Yeah.

Let me get a couple grams of it.

You want a little bit?

Oh, if anybody needs money, I would let them sell them, you know, for whatever.

Oh, that's cool.

You could sell them here, part of your merch, if you want.

I could have Harper.

She could take them, but I don't know.

It's two more, but I can't even think about this stuff.

I get scared.

What if they had like spades shades and we put them into some beautiful, beautiful sunglasses.

Okay,

yeah, I'm pretty agreeable to everything, yeah.

Or how like spades shades, yeah, okay, or and they're interior shades too, actually.

Oh my god, okay, well, now we're getting somewhere, yeah.

And what was there a story about something

ashes

shot into a fucking schoolyard full of children?

No, you should put it in a t-shirt gun

and take it to some bayou horseshit, you know, rodeo, Louisiana rodeo.

Yeah.

Snake rodeo.

And yeah.

Snake rodeo.

Is that like an RG?

You call an RG?

No, wasn't there a story about some dog that ate someone's ashes or something?

Um, was there anything else?

There was some of the news that's happening about it.

Some eating ashes.

We got that.

Did you hear that bullshit?

Look at this.

Shit.

Wait.

Oh my God.

It's a Rolex.

Anyway, is that real?

No, the joke is like, I act like it's late.

I go, oh shit, it's a Rolex.

And I go go like this.

What time is it?

Oh, wealth.

Yeah.

No, this is a real one, but it's the only one good thing I have.

I did get robbed at my house, so you shouldn't be flashing around.

Me toddler, hate me, ashes.

UK mom walked into an unthinkable situation where she found her one-year-old consuming her father's cremated remains.

She is.

And she even has video of the mortifying situation.

Aren't they?

They're not good.

They cannot taste good.

I don't know.

I guess if you mix them with something.

Volume.

Oh my God.

When your son eats your dad.

Of course she filmed it.

My son has eaten my dad's lashes.

He didn't have a lot.

That's the whole fucking story.

Dude, he only had a little bit.

He only had like the forearm.

Yeah, dude.

That's so good.

That's so grody.

That lady's complaining.

Also, the kid is a ginger, too.

Trouble.

Yeah.

So some of that you got to see coming.

Some of that's on you.

Also, the lady immediately sold it to TMZ.

That's a great point, huh?

Yeah.

She probably served them up.

Everything's for sale nowadays, it seems like.

What other news stories we got, guys?

Anything we got?

I'm going to give us some shit before Spade fucking has to boogie.

Spade looks pretty cool today.

Spade looks healthy today.

Yeah.

Handle you get one of these hair.

Is there a hair?

Yeah, it's okay.

Here you go with me.

Save it.

No, you know what I do?

Because if you weren't here,

I fucking light it on fire in front of the other ones.

Yeah.

And I say, this is what happens happens when you try to fucking mega break for it.

Jump ship on me, motherfucker, and then it burns and it floats down.

They all go, what the fuck?

And I go, yeah.

Might want to stick around.

Yeah.

You might want to see the final act.

Yeah, because they've.

It's hard to keep hair.

No, no, it's ridiculous and it's fucked up.

And our bodies can only hold so much hair.

Tiffany, you have raging boners.

What?

I'm sorry.

The guy, Brian Johnson, who's trying to live forever, he says that women also get their version of morning wood.

Okay, who's Brian Johnson?

Let's take a look at him.

Is he the guy that tries to live forever?

He's trying to be really old.

Is that him?

I'm not sure.

I'm not sure.

He also sings for ACDC.

That's Brian Johnson, too.

That's a different one.

He's lying in bed, just like Brian Johnson dead.

There he is.

Oh, there he is, huh?

First of all, I thought this was Matt Rife.

Is that his new special?

It's his new cologne

called fucking pigblood.

What is this guy injecting in his wiener this week?

I know.

I know.

That's the only thing.

This guy takes a lot of pills straight up the wee-wee.

Listen, I'm all for doing minimum $2 million worth of surgery on my face.

But just to do a light dusting and cleanup, this guy's like every day.

It's too much.

And girls find that out.

They don't want a dude that's spending their whole life to look six years younger.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

You don't want somebody who's in there sandblasting their fucking clavicles in the morning.

You can't even get any extra sleep.

Fucking sanding their nuts.

There's no wrinkles in them.

Just fucking meow.

Mew.

You got him on the.

You got your wiener out in a belt sander.

Mew.

Mew.

Yeah, this guy's.

No rinks.

Yes.

See, wrinkle.

I mean, I get it.

He wants to look.

We all do.

I'm falling apart.

Someone put on my comments the other day.

You got old fast, dude.

Oh, thanks, you fuck.

Oh, thanks.

Fly to your house and beat you with a fucking rock dick.

I get really offended by the comments.

I'm like this.

is coming.

These people are losers.

So I tell myself, the guy goes, no way, I'm a winner.

And I go, fuck, he's a winner and he's doing this.

Look at Spade.

That's a tough part.

Whoa.

That's me when I get all the surgery and you go, Spade, is that you?

John Bennett Pico Gramsey, huh?

Fucking.

Look at those pecs, though, dude.

Dude, what the fuck?

You better spend that money, David.

Yeah.

Why has he got band-aids on his finger?

What's wrong with this, dude?

And why has he got a half ounce ounce of raspberry cum on him?

Splurt.

Oh, God.

How many times have you got to jerk off to get that?

Yeah, and can you wear the cheapest chain you know, fucking dude?

Spending your money on the wrong shit.

Wow, is that a Neuralink necklace around his finger?

Shave your chest, you fruitcake.

God, that guy's been eating his own nipples off, I bet.

Hey, you want some cherry fucking pie melted down?

Hey, nips.

Why would you push in on that?

God, those bitches cut, dude.

Those bitches are hard-boiled.

Fucking window cutters

tic-tac-toe

dude that's crazy i don't know how long would you want to be alive you think

i don't

um

i mean i like it now

i'm a little beat up around the edges and a rough i had a rough upbringing but you got if you get in a sauna for two days you'll be bouncing so 100 a sauna yeah

you would not let me in your sauna oh it is a good point huh?

You didn't want to get into it.

They had the ice bath, too.

I know.

Okay, now here's this guy.

I'm fighting going, though.

Oh, yeah, on the movie?

Yeah.

No, honestly, whatever it takes.

I was telling you beforehand,

you're tougher than me, but movies are fucking tough.

They're tough mentally, they're tough physically, and it's just a fucking grind.

You have no life.

You get up at dark, you go in.

Every day is a problem.

Like, we don't have this.

This car doesn't work.

Remember the cars weren't starting?

We're like, dude, the cars, we had to push the cars into every single car.

Every car we had, we're like,

did you want it to start?

I go, yeah, you have to drive into the scene.

Okay, they got it.

You got to tell us this up front, guys.

I go, I have to tell you, a car should start.

Well, it was low budget, but it's still, I mean, we make everything look as good as we can.

Listen, Napoleon Dynamite was low budget.

It's hilarious.

So it's just about where you use the money.

It's really just about me and you and just about being funny.

So you don't need too much in the background.

But it was like, we got two brothers right here that'll push it for like 80 bucks.

And we're like, like, have what?

And we're like, 60.

Okay.

Yeah.

I was like, I don't care if they're related or not.

I'm like,

well, we have two guys that aren't related that'll do it for $120.

I'm like, oh, I know.

Bring the brothers back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's how it was.

We're like pushing cars into scenes.

And then, uh,

I, but I thought it overall super fun.

Glad to do it and excited for the final product.

Yeah, thanks for doing it, man.

For sure.

It was definitely really interesting to get to do.

I can't even, it just, yeah, you learn, you learn so much stuff.

You're like, Jesus.

Well, I haven't really done a comedy team movie since I think Black Sheep and That because it's like growing up, says Five of Us.

Wrong Missy was me and Lauren, and she was great.

It wasn't really a comedy.

She was like all the jokes.

I was just reacting, which is important, but it was sort of her thing.

So it was fun to go back and forth and on the set when

thinking of jokes and stuff.

That's the fun part.

Those are the fun parts of movies.

Like once we're in it and we're doing the scenes and laughing, then it's fun, you know.

The rest of it's tough yeah god could we cry could i cry i'm not crying about the movie it's fun no dude we're just i cry about everything i cry i cried about the drive here i'm like

yeah well you have to think you have a soft spot in your heart for everything yeah

for having to do stuff yeah like it's just definitely man it's life we're being alive no dude we're just talking about it it's fucking life yeah life everything isn't like

I think people don't think that everything is just complete magic or whatever, you know?

Right.

I mean, the bottom line is it's funny when you watch a movie, any movie you see, you go, you don't think about how long, how much shit it took.

You just go, funny or not.

That's all.

Especially you start watching a movie and you're like, this movie fucking sucks.

And then they're like,

and then you don't even think, you're like, these fucking idiots got together every day and made that.

That even though it wasn't.

They made it.

They worked hard.

This is some rewrite they loved.

Fucking bomb.

Yeah.

When I go to movies, I used to sit through everything because I love comedy.

I love movies.

And then about five years ago, I started to walk out of movies.

It's very hard.

I think attention span and everything where I'm like, or I kind of know where it's going.

And I'm like, if there's not enough tricks here,

I got to go.

Yeah.

If there's not some, a good bit of fucking in them, I'm out.

If, if nothing else, someone start fucking someone.

Yeah.

Or I'm fucking out of it.

At least two.

Minimum.

Even if it's animals, I'll watch that.

Listen, how am I watching that when I know I have stepbrother porn on my phone if I need it?

Hey, yeah, dude.

I don't need a DNA test to watch that.

You know what I'm saying?

You know, and Stepbrother Porn, I'll tell you, and then I got to get out of here.

Yeah, talk about one of your favorite things about it.

I have one more.

Oh, is this a...

Sperm Racing.

That's not, is that true?

Sperm Racing, a new sport.

That's KTLA 5, yeah.

Sperm Racing, a new sport is coming to Los Angeles.

You read that right.

A startup recently announced the launch of the world's first live sperm race.

You'll be able to watch its inaugural edition.

Is everyone get a microscope?

Right here in Los Angeles.

I don't know.

Let me see.

The startup, known simply as Sperm Racing, raised a million dollars in support of their efforts to put on the world's first sperm race.

I like that you read it so fast.

I'm not even understanding what you're saying.

Male fertility is declining.

So, what happens?

Just let's say I'm in fifth grade.

Okay.

You get a boner.

I'm trying to explain to a fifth grader.

Why would I?

No.

Well, son,

look at the chart.

That really helps me.

So now you're jerking off.

You're just telling your dad I'm staying competitive out here.

Now you might be wondering how exactly a sperm race works.

Well, the founders laid it out.

First, a microscopic racetrack for the two sperm samples to compete on will be constructed.

The course mimics reproductive system and includes chemical signals, fluid dynamics, and synchronized starts.

Is this for the next Olympics?

What are we doing?

Ah, dude.

I don't know because I'm tired of just jerking off and nobody wins.

How about this?

I'll get the fucking high jump, and that's about it.

Get disheart.

Flop it over.

Yeah, no, I don't even whack off.

Mine's more like, well, it's, it looks like a couple, couple guys just rolling out of a sleeping bag these days.

I like the The last scene of some dude

in the scene.

And he goes, yeah.

And it's like,

one CC like this.

The guy's like, oh, yeah, he missed a good batch.

Oh, I'm fucking, dude.

I'm working with an eyedropper these days, that's for sure.

And the girl's like this, ah!

And they're like, oh, there it is.

Got it.

No, sperm races.

Yeah, let's look forward to that in 2028.

Gavin Newsome, Olympics.

First permanent to cross the finish line wins.

That's pretty much it.

One more news topic before you go, Dan.

The two guys that play it lose.

Yeah, dude, that's true.

The two guys that play it.

I like on the side.

What do you think?

Last one, no opinion.

Okay, GA, Georgia?

Yeah, Georgia 9-11 caller here is dispatcher ordering McGriddle during emergency call.

Oh, I hate this kind of stuff.

I just say when the lines get crossed or whatever, you ever do that?

What do you mean?

Oh, like a party line?

Oh, when I was a kid.

Yeah, like when I was a kid or whatever.

You'd be talking to your friend, and then it would cross over, and you'd just have some big guy's voice.

It's like, these f ⁇ s are going to die.

You're like, who was that?

Talking to him, yeah, yeah.

Just a line.

You've never even heard the voice before.

Like, the line would get crossed.

And then it's your stepdad.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, I want to hear more about the McGriddle.

What about on Instagram when they show cars doing donuts and they always hit somebody?

Oh, yeah.

They go, street takeover.

And everyone's like, yeah.

I'm like, God, everyone gets hit.

You guys get at this point?

These aren't professionals.

Get out the way.

Yeah, get out the way.

A 911 caller in Chatham County, Georgia, had a very hard time getting through to dispatchers when he thought someone was breaking this thing.

Chatham County problem.

Get some good old breakfast.

When he finally did get through, he said the dispatcher was ordering breakfast.

My wife called me.

Oh, we got a little report.

Go ahead.

Let's see it.

911 call from earlier this year after the dispatcher was ordering breakfast.

Look at that statement.

Wait.

So, the person getting the call.

It was in February, Dylan.

Here we go.

Let's you know, let me hear more from this car.

He was concerned about someone snooping around his home in the Savannah area.

He called the non-emergency line first and then called 911 three times.

After finally getting an answer, he was shocked by what he heard during the call.

If it didn't happen to me, I wouldn't believe that that happened to someone else.

That's how unbelievable it was.

This is the bottom Theo von fan.

That lady looks like your mom, a little spade.

She looks like a reptilian.

Yeah, never mind.

Your mom looks afle.

No, my mom's hot.

My mom got her knee replaced.

Did she?

Yeah, you haven't said shit about it.

She might want you to call her.

Oh, definitely, dude.

She's so excited.

Oh, where's the movie?

That's what she said.

Yeah.

Oh, is it fun?

It's going to be funny, I can tell.

It just sounds fun.

She's very positive.

Yeah, she's very positive.

She is?

Busboy sounds fun, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, I was a bus boy for fucking, how long were you a busboy for?

Probably two years.

I was the worst.

That's it?

Deal.

Dude, you told me you were a bus boy for a long time.

I was a dishwasher for a year.

Then busboy, then busboy, then Vallet Parker.

No, I would be longer, except I get

fired over and over.

Dude, she does that.

It does look like the lady.

Dude, your mom likes jade.

So does my mom.

Oh, jade?

Oh, that's turquoise, but she wears a lot of jade and she wears a lot of turquoise.

Oh, yeah, turquoise, dude, desert jade.

Yeah.

No, she loves it.

That sand jade, they call it, you know, in some circles.

Look at me with makeup on.

Woof.

God.

Does your mom have a good sense of humor?

She's the best.

Yeah, she's hysterical.

My mom looks like Willie Nelson.

Bring up picture of her.

Bring up real Willie.

But she's awesome, too.

She's absolutely paid.

Does your mom like me?

She loves you.

Does she really?

She would way rather have you.

Steve is aware of.

Look at cute.

Is that you in a bandana?

There's my mom right there.

Oh, where were you guys?

Maybe I would have loved her.

Maybe I

didn't love you.

Why does all of what if she took off a mask and it was Bobby Lee the whole time?

You were always.

You're always on my.

I love Elvis and Willie.

It's great.

My mom's favorite person is Willie, favorite performer.

You're lying.

I swear to God.

That's my mom's favorite, dude.

Look at him.

Look at him.

Look at his mom.

Oh, he's sexy.

I don't care about the wrinkles.

He is sexy.

He's so good.

Yeah.

Talent.

Oh, my mom says I'd like to climb up those braids and get into them.

Your mom's got a side pony going.

Yeah, she rocks it.

Where are you guys?

Which Waffle House is that?

That's one of actually, that was ranked one of the top 600 Waffle Houses.

She's like, you're so rich.

Where are you taking me?

You're like, oh, pull into Waffle House.

Oh, you want to go somewhere else?

Beep, beep.

She's like, no, we can have the Buck 99 special.

You're like, mom, I just feel like you're most comfortable here.

Dude, she likes it ever since RFK Jr.

cleaned up some of their feeding patterns over there.

Do you have syrup?

That was overheard.

We're going to start using, I will piss.

Yeah.

did you hear about the guy that tried to piss in his pool or something?

No, some guy was leaving piss somewhere and they hit him with a hammer.

What was that article I saw with that hammer, dude?

I don't know if that's the whole story.

What was that article I saw with the hammer, dude?

Oh my god, this is the last one.

Ready?

A lot of pee.

Man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin.

We should have started with this one.

I like this one.

Or why?

It's a lot of pee.

A man has no idea who's putting gallons of urine in his recycling bin or why.

Dude, it's Kappa Sig.

That's who's doing it.

Dude, I'll tell you, this guy also is on Instagram trying to fill his pool with piss

himself.

And it's been a year, and it's not that much.

And I can tell you, it's going to take him longer.

I figured out, Dane and I on our podcast figured out if you try to piss to fill up the Grand Canyon, if every person did it once a day, it would take 800 years.

Isn't that crazy?

It's not that long.

That sounds like a lie, but it isn't that long.

But the Grand Canyon is bigger than you think.

Dude, remember when your parents left you at the Grand Canyon?

Aw, no, don't even bring that up.

It's such a sore sub.

Just glad to see you when you're momentary.

By the way,

you don't know maybe Joe Dirt's parents.

They were maybe doing it as a favor for some reason.

Hmm.

We haven't thought of that.

TBD.

It's a little late to be thinking about the plot.

Dude, the best thing was

that we got to sing the Beatles, though.

That was the best thing, I think.

Where was that?

Probably on Bus Boys on the movie.

We did?

Yeah.

What did we sing?

Anytime.

We got to sing it, remember?

Oh, we'd sing

Abbey Road.

Off-camera.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fucking love the Beatles.

Oh, I love the Beatles.

McCartney, the Beatle.

I love it all, man.

I do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I got to let you go.

All right.

I'm going to stick around for a little bit, but I'm going to let you take off.

No, but thanks for having me.

Miss you.

Dandelion out now.

Dandelion out in the next day or two.

Check it out.

Yep, May 6th.

Amazon.

And check it out.

Smash that button.

Whatever you're supposed to do.

I don't know.

Hit that like and subscribe.

Yeah, whatever it is.

You guys,

one of the greats.

One of the funniest people I've ever met, man.

I feel lucky to be able to know you.

And I really feel lucky that you came over today, man.

Just thanks for making us laugh, dude.

I love it, dude.

You always crack me up.

And all right, guys.

See you out there.

Now I'm just folding on the breeze.

And I feel I'm falling like these leaves.

I must be

cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind.

I found I can feel it

in my bones.

But it's gonna take

a little bit of time.