E565 Bert Kreischer

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I have some new tour dates to tell you about. I'll be in Chicago, Illinois on April 24th at the Wintrust Arena, Fort Wayne, Indiana on April 26th at the Allen County War Memorial Coliseum, and Miami, Florida on May 10th at the Kaseya Center.
All tickets at Theovan.com slash T-O-U-R. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian, a podcaster, an actor.

You know him from his shows Burt Cast and Two Bears, One Cave with Tom Segura.

He's got a new special coming out on Netflix called Lucky, which premieres March 18th.

I'm grateful to have my friend The Machine here today mr burt kreischer there's a woman out there teaching her kid how to ride a bike. I could do it in five minutes.
You want to do it? A buddy. It's part of what I'm working on in therapy.
Really? Let people have their own thing. Oh.
Yeah. I get my fingers in everything.
And I just was like, hey, here's what we do. We take off the pedals, okay? And you teach him to just glide with his feet and lift his feet up that's how i did with both my girls then we go to a subtle decline and we do it that way with feet up the whole way then we put the pedals back on teach them how to pedal so easy yeah yeah riding a bike the toughest thing i remember well first some guy who's teaching you don't know him usually in my neighborhood you didn't know it was like some dude's dad would be out there drinking or something like i'll teach this little whatever you know you're like well that's not that's a that's not how it works at all well yeah well you definitely know the guy well yeah but yes but a lot of times you also don't know you some people some places you don't know the guy right or if your dad isn't there or whatever so there's some guy who sets his beard down he's like i'll teach this little mother little motherfucker.
I almost did that out front. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay, that makes sense.
That tracks. Yeah.
So then that guy, so now suddenly there's some guy teaching you don't even know or whatever. And then they get you going, right? And that part's good.
But the scary part is then you realize you have to steer. And that's where a lot of people just bank right into the fence.
You have to do two things twice. You have to pedal and steer.
And it's counterintuitive. My daughter, Isla, the first time I taught her how to ride a bike, I got her going.
Pedals off, gliding. Pedals back on.
Here we go. And boom, hit a BMW.
Hard as shit. Over the handlebars.
Body mark on top of the hood. And I was like, God.
So then she goes, I'm good, dad.

Second time we get her, she hits a trash can right away.

I'm like, God dang.

And then third time she hit a fire hydrant,

and then we realized she needed glasses.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we got her to get her glasses.

Yeah, at that point.

She's dyslexic, too.

She hits so much shit.

We got a video of her.

That kid has been, are we rolling?

Are we good?

Huh? I don't know. Are we? No, we're we okay we were that kid rolled the dice on life so much so much do you know the feeling of when you cut your bike front tire and it goes like this she would she would do that that's how she rode a bike she liked her stomach to drop so she'd go and george had a gopro on her helmet and isla did it and then went over the handlebars and this is the cutest video george looks at me he goes dad i got it capture the footage yeah it was great wow you guys are a footage family you've always been kind of a footage family then yeah but it was before content really right like i mean we you know i got an instagram to not to for professional reasons i instagram keep up with people i knew in high school and college and then you're like oh in comics cool no one was posting videos of like promo videos no and um and then i shared everything about my family on everything i remember the first time i realized maybe i was over sharing is i posted our christmas card on on instagram and someone hit me up guy we both know that we respect hit me up and he was like, dude, what are you doing? And it got like a million likes and I was like, you know, I don't know you get addicted to the likes, you're like, nice fucking killed it and then you don't realize your kids, all their friends see that and then you're putting, you're taking toothpaste out of the tube that you never put back in but that was, we were creating content not knowing what we were doing.
Oh, I see what you're saying. Maybe you were putting things that might have been too personal out there, you mean? Way too personal.
Yeah. I mean, I talked about Isla's period on one of my specials.
Ooh. Yeah.
And you weren't there for the first period or whatever, were you? Yeah. Oh, my God.
Dude. And you didn't light candles or whatever, huh? Yeah, we did.
Hang on. Yeah.
Dude, as a comic, okay, certain things happen to us where we go that's too good that's got to go on stage like something happens and you're like this yeah it's like i just it's a i don't know if it's like a i don't know like if it's a neediness or whatever it is but she got her period and i mean i talked about on special but she called me from school and she's like yo it happened i was like yeah she's like I go what do you need like new socks or like new panties new pants new whatever she goes no go to store and get a red velvet cake I was like huh she goes we're throwing a period party and I was like wow I was like okay be positive immediately as we as the night went through and by the way i put it on all social media because it's funny and no one no one has a frame of reference for how big this is getting you know and you're just filming and you're laughing and everyone's laughing and then i love the next morning was like yo maybe we want to take that off social media maybe i don't want everyone i went to school with to know i got my period yesterday i was like yeah good call a 10 year old oryear-old or 12-year-old, whatever you are. God, I don't know if people got – I mean, I guess people kind of remember – I think if somebody got their period in our neighborhood, people would just start calling them a whore or whatever.
You know? Like, I think people were just – yeah, people were more vulgar in our area, I think. You know, if anything happened, it was – everybody always made you feel ashamed of no matter what happened to you, you know? you you know oh okay yeah I've been talking about shame a lot in therapy have you been yeah you just said well you just said you that you can you saw somebody who was trying to teach her kid to ride a bike because I heard something going on out there I heard something that sounded kind of Mexican or whatever happened out it was very Mexican yeah yeah I heard like something kind of Mexican happened outside earlier and I was like oh I wonder what's going on but I'm not to get involved.
I got to work right now. But you came in.
You said you saw a mom teaching a kid to ride a bike. Yeah.
And you were going to get involved. I wanted to get involved.
Yeah. And I just was like, no, this is their life.
What am I doing? Right. What need do I have to jump in, make it an event, like, ah, and then, I don't know.
So I was like, I'm working on that in therapy too. Just like removing myself down listening yeah well leon and i are in couples therapy oh y'all are it's awesome no way yeah i'm i'm fucking killing her like i've gone i've won three she's only won two i'm smoking her dude the very first therapy the very first therapy the therapist like i was just i just i didn't like we went into couples therapy in a good place we're in a good place but the girls both went to college we're spending a lot of time together you know and like i just both of us were like yeah this is just different than we've ever lived i've always been on the road home tuesday wednesday gone thursday back monday and now all of a sudden and i'm taking a break from stand-up right now So I'm taking like a year off and we're just around each other so much.
We're like, maybe we should like just be in front of it in case something happens. Right.
Like see what's going on. Yeah.
Yeah. And so, yeah, the first therapy that they're apparently interrupted me and the therapist goes, now you know me, right? He goes, does he ever talk? I was like, oh, this is awesome.
She's got, I'm got, Leanne got crossed up. She was like on her heels.
She's like, wait, what the fuck? He won't shut the fuck. He's just not talking now.
I never fought. Like, it was like, oh yeah, this is badass.
Damn, dude, who picked the therapist? That's the thing that happens a lot of times is with couples, I think you you get if you pick a therapist and it's almost like that's your you have like um you know like the insider trading on the referees or whatever you know yeah yeah yeah she picked the therapist she did yeah i'm not i'm never gonna find a therapist yeah and was it weird and one of the things you said in there was that you got to let people do their thing yes i need to slow down i have fomo i want to be involved in everything i want to like i just i get i feel like i've done too much just looking at you like if i look at you i'm like oh fuck i gotta sit down for a minute dude i get when i wake up when i wake up if i hear something happening downstairs i gotta go downstairs i go what are we doing hang on we're playing with the dogs i want to be a part of that yeah like i dude i and i have my day starts early and it just i i slam it because if i have any downtime i get my head i get on my phone i don't it's just not positive and so i pack my days i had a therapist tell me one time you have fomo wow i was like that doesn't sound like a therapy yeah that well i mean it's just crazy you would yeah i guess you hear something you want to go see you want to be a part of you want to know what's going on yeah like i do when you got sober did that change because there has to be a part of you when you get sober where you go hey man they're all going out but i'm cool staying home oh no i just didn't what the best thing that happened from that was at at like 11 30 or midnight i was like i'm fucking home. So you just didn't end up like in the retardation hours.
You know, you didn't end up fucking, you know, sneaking into somebody's house through an air vent or some fucking shit or some dude tricking, trying to trick you into being gay or whatever. You know, I'm so glad when I hear you talk like that, I go, I definitely don't have a problem.
I've never known anyone to climb through an air vent. Oh, dude, have you seen that? There's a great meth tribute video where a guy shows up through a floor air vent in somebody's trailer.
That shit was something else. Dude, when I was a kid, my buddy Jeff, he had like a lot of violent tendencies or whatever.
I don't know what happened to him, but he would get so angry. His parents would send him to his room, and he would beat the drywall out of the walls in his room.
And every year for Christmas, they would get the drywall redone in his room. Oh, that's very sweet of him.
And he would listen to that song, you got to keep them separated. I just met those dudes.
Do you so fucking fucking too loud. I'm fucking fucking too loud.
Do you know that they got, they said, I was talking to Dexter and fucking Slinky. It's not Slinky.
Noodles. What? Noodles.
Dexter and Noodles. And they said, you know, that a lot of white supremacists adopted that song.
Ooh. Yeah.
You know another song white supremacists adopted?

Huh.

These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do.

But some white supremacists, one of these days, these boots are gonna walk all over you.

Jews.

Ooh.

Stomp.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I heard that in the old school.

You ever watch the old school Ku Klux Klan videos?

They didn't do a music video, did they?

I don't think so.

I haven't seen that if they did.

There would be like the videos where it's like the one British guy infiltrates the Klan.

And he's like, so I'd like to talk to your son.

And he's like, so do you have a problem with black people?

Oh, I was talking about, dude.

Louis Theroux.

Oh, Louis Theroux, yeah.

And then he'd go to their big barn and they're burning burning his cross and he's like, I feel a little uncomfortable. This isn't really my cup of tea.
Oh, the cross is a little warm. Can you turn down the heat? I'm a little close to the cross.
We do smaller crosses. Maybe spread them out evenly by the tables.
Kind of like a heat lamp. He goes, actually, my wife's a bit cold.
Could you spark up a small cross near her? Do you think that was the first cross burning? They're like, well, we want to get us right here, but there's people on the side. So, like, let's get spread it out.
Like, the fire's too centralized. Well, I think that's why you, that's probably why they burn a cross.
It's kind of the perfect fucking heat lamp i don't

understand i mean i'm sure it's ominous to see a cross burning in your front yard but i'd be if i saw that and i'm like two in the morning i'd be like fucking sweet yeah i'm like nice i believe in god yeah yeah fuck yeah i'd be like oh damn we got a mega death rally happening we are what is this? You interviewed that dude?

Yeah, fascinating guy.

He did Kurt and Courtney too, I think.

He's done a lot of documentaries.

He's done a ton.

He does gossip documentaries.

Yeah, it's always...

It was almost a little... ballpoint pens, fly swaps, cups, like a cheerleader.
Megaphone. Will the skinhead in the crowd please live immediately? How about a lighter? Could be handy for cross burnings.
No, that's not cool. Can't use a Bic lighter for a cross burning.
No? No, you have to use a torch or something. How come? Can't use a Bic lighter for a cross burning.
Hang on, hang on, hang on, pick that apart. That is fucking hilarious.
If they they've built the cross it's covered in fucking kerosene and you'll see a guy at the bottom i can't get it hang on it's too windy like someone trying to light a cigarette behind the comedy store hey somebody comes staying like this a bunch of guys dude one time i was at this party out in franklin tennessee and they had like a huge bonfire right and so they were and they had one black guy that was at the party right and they sent him to pour the gasoline on all this huge i mean it was a huge pile six you had to climb up i mean it was humongous it was probably a little gas goes a long way i agree and it was 40 feet wide and probably 20 feet high this pile and i was like and there was american flags everywhere i was like you cannot send the one i was like if anything happens right there yeah this looks absolutely being with your jewish friend and go hey there's something in the back of my oven can you climb in and see if you can get it out you're like no fuck no well that's why jews invented the self-cleaning oven dude they're like're like, we're not doing that. We're not falling for that again.
Oh, fuck. They're going to make us take that out, probably.
They can't, huh? Unless the Jews actually invented the self-cleaning oven, then it's just fucking. That's just factual information.
Dude, I can't believe you're in therapy, so that's going on.

Yeah, I like it.

You do?

I didn't do therapy.

I quit therapy for a period of time because I was talking too much,

meaning two bears, BirdCast, something's burning, and tour.

So every day I'm talking like four hours a day.

And I was like, I just was losing my voice like crazy.

I was like, I can't talk.

I just don't physically want to talk anymore.

And then when I took time off, I was like, the second i took time off like my first week i got really depressed so i was like i don't know really yeah yeah but are you able to figure out like what that depression is because otherwise it's not touring oh it's just not yeah dude not being on the go not being not being not being on the go not having something going not like hey uh we're gonna pack you up we gotta get you to we're going out to boston you're doing the thing but you already have you've done so much like don't you worry that burn like continuing to burn it at that speed would burn you out or maybe you just don't get burned out no i don't get burned i don't get burned out what was happening to me was creative like creatively i just felt like i was just spinning my wheels and nothing good was coming out oh yeah and so i was like I was like, I got done this last hour. It was premiering on Netflix March 18th.
I think 18th. So I'm going to check that.
Lucky. And when I got done doing that hour, I feel like I had – you know how when you start a new hour, you scrap everything and then you go to your joke book.
I got like 20 minutes. Right.
For this special, I dumped everything. Fucking seven-minute stories turned it into a three-minute story.
I dumped everything. I just piled this.
My first four minutes was initially like 10 minutes. And I crammed it.
So I wanted it to be good because it's like my sixth special. So I don't want people to think I got lazy.
But then when I got done, I was like, yo, I need to write. And I was like, my girls are in college.
I'm with Leanne all the time. Like, what am I talking about? Like, who am I? What am I going to? And so I was like, I'm taking time off.
But my first week, I'm sitting in my backyard, and I'm just like depressed, looking at people touring, having fun, looking at like. So severely just that fear of missing out.
Missing out, man. Like, I just, I love the energy.
And we pulled Fully Loaded from the summer to give me time off to do this thing. This summer? This summer.
We do Fully Loaded every summer, and it's so fucking fun. Oh, those videos.
I would always get in the midst of those seeing all the pictures of the gorges and stuff like that. And you guys are just having a blast.
I would always feel like such a loser that I wasn't doing it or I wasn't in some of those places. No, you're just like, I can't afford you.
I don't know about that. There was a second where I could have gotten you and Schultz where the two kind of white whales, it would have been me, you, Schultz, Shane Gillis.
Mark Norman. Mark Norman, Santino.
Blazer. It's such a fun group.
Whitney, Nikki, it's such a fun. Big J, Dan Soder, it's so fun.
And Schultz called me directly and he was like i got your offer and i respectfully declined but then his agent was like you can't afford him and i was like okay i get it but you want your friends to blow up it would have been cool but it's like you don't ever want someone to take a pay cut to come do something yeah or sometimes it's also just a time cut it's like since we've been podcasting more just takes so much time and then i have to do it here and nashville it's just like the back and forth that's why that's why i said this when we were in um i apologize and your own touring so it's like you have your own tour it's like last year i don't know i maybe had two weekends where i did something for myself that i wanted to do that wasn't work which is fine because i like working but um i like working too they say do you have a hobby and i go like podcasts no like do you have

a hobby i go shoot content like no like a hobby i go i'm working on a movie yeah and they're like no what do you do for fun i go like collect rocks i don't know what the fuck you're talking about like look at toads take pictures of animals i don't who who the fuck does that yeah yeah that's the thing sometimes people will be like you got to get a hobby and i'm like well some of my hobbies became work and so they're still my hobbies they're just more it just like you're just super involved with them i guess i guess i could get a nice hobby like what like think about like walking with a friend top 10 hobbies yeah walking with a friend is not a hobby it isn't because immediately why don't we turn into a podcast beautiful thing about podcasting, okay? And so let's scrap. Ignore that podcasting is a business.
When are me and you going to get a chance to sit down for an hour and just hang out? And go, you can't answer your phone. Can't look at your phone.
Let's just talk. For the rest of our lives, probably never until we're older.
Or if you have something you want to promote, maybe we can do it over at my house. But it's like, it's kind of fucked up.
I'll never get a chance to sit down with Kevin Nealon for an hour. I sat with him for an hour and 30 minutes.
I got to ask him all the questions I ever wanted to ask. Danny Trejo, Travis Parker, you know, Jelly.
It's like I see Jelly. Jelly is a little different because I see him and I end up spending a lot of time with him.
Yeah, he's somehow so accessible in a weird way. Yeah, but podcasting, I don't look at that that as work i look at this opportunity to hang out with my friends you know and and get to know other people other men um oh for sure yeah and i think a lot of people maybe don't get as much time of that and so that's why they listen to podcasts too it's like oh you know a lot of people don't like what you said maybe they don't get as much time as that so that's why they listen they're listening more to podcasts i think some of this why i listen it's like i want to hear a conversation about this thing yeah and so that's what i'm listening to where i want to hear about a conversation that's funny or i don't get to hang out with tim dylan and rogan yeah together so you gotta hear never i never do so it's fun when i listen to the two of them talk they they have smart brains in a different way than me like i'll never think the way they think no they're the best dude tim dylan is so original it's unbelievable he is my favorite gossip in the world he had this bit about the other day on um on it was a social reel and it was like about the fires and how somebody hired private security to protect their private firemen to protect their ice cream shop or whatever.
It was like all these places are burning, but the fucking Maui peach sorbet was fucking saved or whatever. You were doing your fingers the whole time as you were trying to make it fancy.
The Maui peach sorbet. Yeah, I think if you do this whole time, like you're selling fancy to me.
Well, I think I was trying to think of something fancy, and this helped me. Yeah, no.
This little movement right here, just like, hey, do you guys want to go to dinner? It's really nice. Hey, if I take my dick out, I think you're going to like it.
I put sprinkles on it. That's like, who had that joke if you call something Mexican in front of it? It just makes it so much better, dude.
No. Oh, wait.
That's not what I thought. Oh, really? You thought worse? I was at a Mexican restaurant at the end of the Santa Monica beer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the lady comes up to me, my buddy Eddie, and she goes, would you guys like Mexican hot chocolates? And we're like, oh, no, thank you.
What, do you wrap us in a blanket, hold us down, and shit in our mouths? No, thanks. I think we'll pass.

Mexican hot chocolate sounds like a fucking, like, well, you want a Mexican blowjob?

You're like, hold on.

What are we doing here?

Like, it's like the donkey show.

Did you ever see a donkey show?

I never saw it.

I don't want to get involved with that.

I have a good relationship with outdoor animals.

I don't want to get like that.

Yeah, this is his clip right here.

Oh, I love that he's.

You can play it from right there.

It's fun. That little Palisades village.
I'm glad it's still there. I am.
I'm glad that guy brought in his own water and fucking was like, yeah, we're not losing what's the fucking McConnell's? We're not losing that ice cream place?

There's people burning alive in the street.

He's like, yeah, we're not losing McDonald's.

What are you, nuts?

It's a good ice cream.

Santa Barbara's strawberry is a great flavor.

What are you, nuts?

What's that other sushi place?

Is it Blue Ribbon?

Blue Ribbon. It's good.

Yeah, fuck yeah.

The fucking...

It's just hilarious to be a billionaire and to go, we're bringing in water. And we're bringing in our own firefighters.
And then the firefighters show up. They're like, all right, who do we save? And you're like, what? Get the fuck in front of Blue Ribbon Sushi right now? Are you not even fucking mind, you piece of shit?

Who do we say?

The Tiger Roll.

That's a fucking...

Get in front of Blue Ribbon Sushi.

The Tiger Roll.

That's good.

What impresses me about Tim is he can do his show by himself for fucking one hour.

Yeah.

Once a week.

Have you ever tried that?

For one hour every day? No, once a week he does his show once a week. Yeah, I did that for years I think, didn't I? Yeah, he was solo for the first couple years.
Just him talking. And then my brain, I ran out of anything.
I don't even know. Now I'm just like a fucking thoroughfare for other people's bullshit.
I used to have some of my own ideas. Now it's just fucking nothing.
I think you used to have your own ideas. I don't know, dude.
I always say to people, hey, wait, were you using drugs when we did that fraternity pilot? Let me think. Oh, remember that thing, dude? Yeah.
I tried to buy it. That pilot? Huh.
Yeah. Because I think Bunn i think bun and murray's collapsed right yeah i think yeah i don't know what happened yeah because the pilot was what it was three guys were going back to college it was kind of based on old school old school i think it was called old school three guys were going back to college was that no no no no me you and brett ernst were starting a fraternity starting a of college.
Yeah. And man, we did not think that through.
No, we just put it in fucking Craigslist. Right.
Yeah. Remember that one guy finally kissed that hook or whatever.
And his fucking glasses steamed up. Remember Ernie? Remember that guy? Dude, a couple of those guys.
Hold on. You're underselling.
You're underselling what we did. Have we talked about this? Hold on.
So it was – I'm just going to set the scene because this was the funniest pilot I've ever been a part of. Okay.
Me, you, and Brett Ernst. Yeah.
We were the hosts and executive producers. Oh, wow.
You don't remember that? I don't think I got that good of a deal, but let's keep going. I think it might have – if I'm not mistaken, I think I was – I might have have been the one that was like because i had like headsets in and i was talking to producers and it was all our ideas so we were like all right we're gonna get these out put in craigslist we'll get a fucking party bus put in craigslist if we got anyone that applies we'll take them we had no fucking background checks none do you remember that yeah i remember remember that one guy showed oh well oh yeah he had had PTSD, and he'd wake up in the middle of the night, and Marine crawled around the fucking house to check the perimeter.
Do you remember that guy? The little guy that didn't speak English threw up in the fucking garbage can, and we couldn't get him out. Well, that guy was a ninja, remember? He was a full-time ninja, he said.
And we're like, where? He was a full-time fucking ninja. Yeah.
And then there was the guy you championed, and you were trying to get a lady. He made out with a chick steam dude dude one dude cheated on his wife and he was like i think i just ruined my life and we're like and so hold on hold on this is the best is we wanted to throw a party for them but we didn't know how to get chicks so we just hired prostitutes yes we hired real prostitutes dude and that one guy everyone was getting laid but it was because We paid for them.
Everyone was like, this is great. Do you remember our band? Do you remember the band? Uh-uh.
Dio. Oh, was it that all-female band? With tape over their nipples and their pussies.
Yeah, Harlow. Wasn't that their name? You remember their name? I think that was them.
Google them. Harlow.
Harlow. They had Jack Daniels and pillows.
And they created a pillow flight. Feathers went everywhere.
And they'd spit Jack Daniels in our mouths. That's how the pilot opened.
My name's Bert Kreischer. Me and my two best friends are starting a fraternity.
It's gonna get wild. And the girl spit vodka in my mouth.
And I was like, I'm married with two kids. Dude, that was...
I don't know if that was them. Harlow was a girl band, I thought.
Oh, that's them. That's them.
Yeah, dude, they were cute. Oh, they were fucking killer.
They were hot too, dude. I remember the executive producer came out to the pool.
All the prostitutes are naked. They're all in the pool.
I'm in the pool in pajamas. And everyone's, and the producer, one of the executive producers goes, I can't use any of this.
I remember the sound guy was like, hey, you want to hear something? I was like, what's that? And he grabs the headsets and he takes them off. He goes, put them on.
I go, what is that? And he goes, someone's getting their dick sucked in the bathroom. Yeah.
Yeah, dude. I hope it was me, dude.
I'm trying to remember what happened. Were you using drugs at the time? I don't know.
I hope I was it sounds like it was a fucking blast dude i mean that i don't know if i needed drugs at the time that sounds amazing the guy broke the champagne bottle over the goat's head yeah i mean we fucking beat up those lesbians it was the fucking wildest show ever one of them fucking asked for it one of the big asked for it. Yes.
The little one. Sure.

A victim.

I'll say that.

That was the greatest pilot I've ever been a part of.

I forgot about that.

That's when that's when I mean like.

Remember we showed up at somebody at a place.

We stole that fucking goat.

Put him on that bus.

And he started shitting in the back of the bus.

And the only person that would go back there and care for him.

It was some like he was like a third generation veterinarian or something, that one really white kid. Yeah.
And people kept giving it beer and stuff. And we stole the wrong goat.
We did? Yeah, we had, we had an address that we were going to pull over and we had already arranged to take their goat and give it back to them, like production wise. So we pulled over to piss and the fucking Irish kid, do you remember the Irish kid? Is his name Killian? Oh, yeah.
I think he was a comic. Killian? No, Killian's just the name of a beer.
I thought that was his name. Seamus.
Seamus? Seamus? It wasn't him. It was a fella named Seamus.
I think he probably passed. I don't know if he passed away.
A couple of them, a lot of those guys are dead. Seamus O'Farrell, is that him? A lot of guys that were in that pilot died.
Cause I was in a Facebook group with him, and like the big guy, or like the big guy, he passed. He had two kids.
Oh, did he? Yeah, he was a fucking- He had two lunches too, I remember that, he fucking, he did not make it that long. I was like, dude, you can't have two lunches.
Cause he would have lunch and then wait a little while and pretend like he hadn't had lunch, I remember. He's like, wait, are they serving? Yeah.
We're like, yeah. What are they serving? Like, you just ate it.
Yeah, dude. It was just that reverse.
He would use reverse psychology with his own stomach or whatever. I mean, that was the funnest.
Like, I always say, like. I forgot about that.
That was, like, it's like, you know when you discover someone? Like, I'm thinking of the best example. It's like Cam Patterson, right? Like, my wife's friends, their kids are in high school.
And they came to one of my shows, and they're like, have you seen Cam Patterson? At the time, I hadn't. And then I was like, no.
And then I watched some of his clips and I discovered him and I was like, oh, he's funny. That moment, we all have it for comics.
And I've heard for a very long time watch people discover you. They go, dude, do you know Theo Vaughn? But I had to discover you too.
Like, right, I got to find that you were funny too. Right.
And I always say it was that fucking pilot where I just kept watching you just like like everything you were saying was like so fucking funny that and oh no that and fucking reality bites back i've always said that like that finale theo you were the single funniest human being i'd ever been around in my life really oh my god you were dropping dimes when we were all sitting in the bleachers i was crying laughing i have never laughed harder in my fucking life where i was like this guy everything you said was fucking hysterical and you're in a room full of killers killers in there oh killers it was so much fun look at schumer looking vibey right there do you remember when donnell we were in the car and car, and Donnell said to Mo Mandel, because Mo was like, I love Mo.

I love Mo.

I'm not shitting on Mo.

But Mo was younger than everyone, so he was, like, trying.

Oh, yeah.

He was trying the whole time.

It's that energy you would do when you're young, too.

You get put in a place you try to, yeah, you try.

And he goes, Donnell's in front of the van. And he goes, Mo, has anyone ever told you you're funny?

And Mo goes, of course. And he goes, name one ever told you you're funny and mo goes of course and he goes name one person and mo goes my mom and we fell out of the fucking van donnell goes your mom doesn't count mo your mom doesn't fucking count oh god dude oh there's my boy right there he just had his second child i think he's selling's doing great.
Mo's a creative dude, man. He's a very creative dude.
Look at Schumer. Holy shit.
Hi, I'm Hurt, and I have a goatee because if I don't, it looks like my real chin has balls. Look at how loud my voice is.
Start laughing. It looks like I'm teabagging my shirt.
My name's Theo Bond, and this $50,000 would mean that I could get out of debt. Listen to our voices.
I'm going to put a down payment on a better apartment or an apartment in general. Who looks the most like an 80-year-old black man in their picture? I don't know.
Wow. Look at you, Bird.
I worked so hard in my career. Fuck.
Fill the pita house. The border patrol agents better watch out.
Look at this, bro. We've been throwing some...
Oh, shit. Do you remember this? Pause it up.
That's when we threw those mexican cabbage patch kids they died the mexican because they weren't they the mexican ones have been discontinued or whatever yeah or cab how do you say cabbage in spanish cabage cabage cabage ninos so we had these fucking cabage ninos right and we're just like you have throw 50 of them over this fence. Like it was going to be hard for adult men to do that, bro.
We were humming those bitches over there. And remember China showed up.
She was the wrestling woman. Oh yeah.
And she was all geeked up on pills or something. And she, she was supposed to, as they went over the fence, somebody was supposed to shoot them down with like a uh some sort of a paintball gun or

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Dude, my favorite one, I wish they had video of this. I wish I could find this video, is we did So You Think You Could Dive.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And you said, everyone practiced diving all week, and you're like, I'm good. I already know what I'm doing.
And you got up to the, if I'm not mistaken, it was like the 10 meter or like the 5 meter. It was high as shit.
I went up there. In a wheelchair.
I would like to present my ode to Amelia Earhart and you sang to Amelia Earhart and you got and you just had them push you off in a wheelchair and you had not planned that once the front wheels went off that you were going face first and you fucking landed on your stomach so hard and came up that was the fucking fucking. Please tell me you have it.
I don't know. Oh, shut the fuck up.
Really? Oh, my God. Wow, look how young we were.
Bird, look at you. Look at this.
This is what all I did was hit on. I hit on Greg.
Greg Louganis the whole time. And then he got pissed because he found out I was married.
Really? Yeah. You remember? That's off he was like you don't tease a man i do remember driving away driving this was in a long beach time we're driving home that day i'm like i can't believe i drove you home i'm gonna smash that no i drove you home remember that's right dude i picked up everyone in the car and schumer goes i hope none of us get voted off it's gonna be an awkward an awkward ride home.
And I got voted off, and I drove home.

And I was like, it was quiet. I was like, so what are you guys doing tomorrow, do you think? And we're all going back to work.
God, no, it's not. This.
This. Dear Amelia.
Oh, my God. We will come and find you soon.
What the fuck? What octave is that? If I'm not mistaken, it was that kid Cameron pushing you off. That's that kid Cameron.
Watch. Oh.
Oh Watch. Oh! Tell us a little bit about the genesis of the idea.
Look how jacked you are, dude. God, I was handsome.
Well, Frank, there's a lot of ladies out there that are missing, and I just wanted to kind of put a tribute out to them. Okay.
We gotta find them bitches. You had the ladies, and I think you just lost them.
Hang on. Do you have that whole episode? Yeah, I have the whole series.
Okay, do me a favor. Go to me getting kicked off.
Do you remember this? With Greg Louganis? Do you remember? You did a nude dance for him. Do you have that? And Greg Louganis is a famous homosexual swimmer.
If I'm not mistaken, he's HIV positive. Is he? I think he was like the poster boy for HIV positiveness.
Oh, wow. He's HIV positivity.
I saw that bathing suit. I swear to God, I just got rid of that bathing suit.
Yes, we did. All right, go to the end when I get voted off.
What are you talking about? My wife never made a rule about that. I just hit on him.
Okay. Your butt is so white.
I just say that it's time for you to pack your trunks. so much now hit pause for a second this was the biggest regret of my life yeah like sometimes you ever do a podcast you're like hey can you guys take that out i'm i shouldn't have said oh yeah i know what you're talking about bobby and um so like now i did this and it no one laughed yeah no one laughed everyone it, and it was wildly rolling the dice on it.
And I was like, I'm not certain. And I went home, and I got in bed with my wife that night, and I didn't know how it was going to be edited.
And I go, I might have just ruined my career. I might have destroyed my career.
I might have made it. Because I was telling everyone I was on this fucking show at my daughter's preschool.
I was like, they're going to watch this? That's insane to do that. Everyone was famous, and I was trying to keep up with the the joneses yeah i'm on a new show i'm like yeah i'm on a tv show whatever hit play have you seen this oh my god all right biggest regret wow bird were you fully naked yeah a great time michael i'll never forget this yeah fully naked Just close.
Fully naked.

And does Michael prefer men

or he prefers women? He's married.

Michael, I think, was being honest.

This is a bad idea.

Oh my. Oh, my God.
That was incredible. Oh.
Dude, I thought I ruined. I thought I ruined my career.
Ruined it. And what kind of pecker you got on your hair? You can't really, they got it blurred out or whatever.
Just so we can. Not big at all.
Okay. I'm going to show you to you right now, and it's probably the exact same size.
Do you remember we took a bath with Lunell? Dude, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Me, you, Red Grant. Me, you, Red Grant took a bath for Lunell.
He went for mayor of Baltimore. You know that?

Oh.

Yeah.

We'll tell this story.

Yeah.

Do you remember Lunell had two bathing suits on?

Did she really?

And she took one off.

And she goes, boys, where are your bathing suits?

And then we took ours off.

And then she got out of the bath.

And we were all naked.

And she took our bathing suits.

God.

I don't remember that.

I remember.

I think Kyle's mom gave me or somebody gave somebody. I't remember what happened one of us came or something Kyle's mom I remember that Kyle's mom was a hired stripper yeah Kyle's real mom passed away? yeah that's why they got brought in the stripper oh damn well I remember meeting your mom And I was dead.
Kyle's real mom passed away? Yeah, that's why they got brought in the stripper. Oh, damn.
Well, yeah. I remember meeting your mom, and I was like, oh, his mom looks like she could make Dream Catchers in New Mexico.
My mom looks like she fucking tells on black people that walk out of the store with all this shit from Rite Aid. Dude, that show was so wild.
And it was like, bro, they paid us. It was pretty, it was fun.
You got to be around other comedians. Tiffany Haddish was on there.
Donnell Rawlings. Oh, yeah.
Remember Javier George? That one comedian left. He left the first day.
Remember George? Yeah. Jeff Garcia.
Jeff Garcia left. Jeff Garcia.
Don't play that. I do not need to see that.
No, hang on. I actually, that makes, I have nightmares about that.
I have nightmares about that. You know where you've done something and you're like, ah, why did I do that? That fucking moment.
That fucking makes my skin crawl. And this is when you made a promise to your mom in the dark or whatever.
They said, you're going to bring you in. You're going to seduce somebody.
And the more you turn them on, the better you win. And they brought it in and it was our mom's in the dark in the dark and I told her what I'd do to her giving her oral sex I fucking I think about that because I was honest I was fucking honest Theo that's illegal too to do that to your mother I think.
Theo did the Native American Warbler. I did?

Let's make this plan happen.

Whoa, mom.

Whoa.

I was scared, let me say.

I love that shit.

The first thing you have to know is the Native American Warbler.

Serious panty dropper let's make this plan happen whoa wow you were so good at this you were so good at this was this what was it again no you were so good at the whole fucking game like it got in my head and i would get panicked and I needed the money and you were just fucking chill. And I was probably on steroids, dude.
You might have been. You look pretty jacked in this.
I might have been on performance enhancing drugs. You ever taken steroids? Yeah, dude.
You know? Yeah. They just had a new.
Did you see that a new steroid Olympics was coming up? But that show was before it's time. They should put the show back on the air if they didn't.
I don't understand. After that, they fucked up, man.
I could not agree more. They fucked up a lot.
By the way, here's where they fucked up. This is where they fucked up.
We should buy that. Me, you, Donnelly.
People with little money. We should buy that and then get all the raw and edit it the way we want to edit it.
Because that is, we could do one season, we could do five seasons out of just outtakes. I mean, the shit we weren't allowed to say.
Do you remember me and Red were in a pool with Amy Schumer? And she goes, what are we going to do now? And I was like, why don't we play Leaky Submarine? And she goes, what's that? And I go, well, you're the Leaky Submarine and we got to plug up all your holes. And everyone's like, can't use that.
And I was like, why? was like why it's fucking funny like dude the outtakes we did just there i'm telling you that finale you had it was me chris fairbanks i think schumer red grant and donnell were in a cluster and we were crying laughing at you for one hour straight you were, they would say something and you just, honest Theo,

like the person you are today was there that day

and you were stream of consciousness

and we were, I've never laughed harder.

Damn.

That was so much fun.

Look at me and Amy right there.

God.

And she had a boyfriend.

I think she was in love with some guy.

Yeah, I always thought you guys had sex.

You know, I always thought we did but dude speaking of what else were you talking about a second ago i don't know the steroid games oh yeah did you see that donald trump j? Or some group is starting a steroid with the enhanced games Donald jr?

President Donald Trump's eldest son Donald Trump jr. Is the latest to invest in the enhanced games which critics call the steroid

Olympics I'd invest I mean listen that steroids are extremely popular in bodybuilding and bodybuilding's pretty ever seen natural bodybuilding

um the answer is no that's a good point yeah you're like okay it's pretty fucking boring you look at real bodybuilding and you're like yeah get that's what i want to fucking look at get on that fucking gas you know i remember doing that fucking shit boy what did you take Oh, I took, uh, um, Deca.

I took Deca.

Yeah.

Deca.

Windstraw.

What?

I took Deca, yeah. Deca.
Winstraw? I don't know if I ever got some Winstraw. I got whatever I could get a hold of.
Test 200. Really? Yeah, Test 200, Test 400.
Test, there was some... I think we would go on spring break, we'd go get it.
But somebody, people would always sneak it back in like shampoo bottles.

They would buy a bunch of steroids, but poured in the shampoo bottles.

So it had like this fucking kind of like, like soapy, soapy after days.

Like you'd be doing curls, but then you'd like belch a soap bubble or whatever.

Like it was, it was really like every time you like, like if you lift it up your arms, it was when you'd sweat, it would just be soapy. It was smelled like lavender or whatever.
Like it was a real hybrid at the time, a hybrid type of chemical we were using. And that was one thing that was tough about it, but it was fun using storage because, and I shouldn't say that.
I mean, it was definitely also had side effects. No, don't buy it everyone makes their own fucking choices in life look i'm on testosterone out the fucking gills right now are you are you shitting me dude i fucking love it i jerk off every morning i jerk off every if i don't have sex with my wife i'm my dick's hard and i'm i'm turned on every fucking morning when i wake up but thinking about my wife but i'm

she's not there like today i jerked off she was at or at the gym working out and i was like or at her trainer or whatever and i was like i'm gonna jerk off yeah i dude it's awesome i feel alive i'm stronger than i've ever been in my entire life i'm healthier than i've ever been i do my liver numbers that's all every damage i've ever done to my liver is all repaired because testosterone and is prepared to deliver from cells.

Yes.

It's fucking awesome.

Well, are you, I mean, are you still fat or whatever then? Yeah. Yeah.
Obese. Morbid.
Okay. I'm morbidly obese.
Okay. I just want to make sure you're still, you know, sticking with this.
No, I only work out. I only work out so I can party.
Yeah. That's it.
The only reason I work out is so tonight, if I want to, my wife says, yo, let's open a bottle of rosé. I go, fuck yeah, because I know I was in the gym this morning, hearty shit.
I'm going to be in the gym tomorrow, hearty shit. You look great.
I feel phenomenal. I mean, I really feel phenomenal.
And I will tell you that I felt good when I wasn't on testosterone, but testosterone is just giving me like a zest for life. I think, I mean, the downfalls is like my face is redder sometimes.
So like I have to get hair and makeup. Like my face can get pretty red, but I think that's testosterone.
I think so. That's what someone told me.
Well, don't you, don't you lose hair though. That'd be my concern.
No. I mean, I don't know.
I was going to get hair transplants. Leanne doesn't want me to.
Really? I've gotten it before. What? Yeah.
A couple ago i got in the back so much stress in the back that my hair started got like your hair looks fucking awesome yeah it's good now it's clean did you go to turkey no no i went to i don't remember what i did i did it right off of the elf of la cienega 50 la cienega really yeah a good doctor though yeah pretty decent they take it out of the back and they just put it in the front it's like just reforestation or whatever you know whenever they like take the plants that's not me jesus christ your hair you've always had the thickest look at this picture that does kind of look like you a little bit oh no that's me but that's not my head is the crazy wait that is you yeah but it's not my head. I never looked like this.

I thought it was they shaved it or something.

It's my bad.

What?

That's so funny, dude.

That's crazy.

Dude, with AI now, it's like anything is possible.

What the fuck, dude?

That looks wild.

Well, this is not a before and after.

That's a thing.

Internet, make that a before and after. Just buns, hairs, transplants.
Because, by the way, if it's not real, it doesn't bother you, and it's fucking hysterical. If you type in Burt Kreischer fat, all the pictures have been doctored, and they don't bother me because they're not real.
The real ones bother me. Oh, yeah.
The real ones? Well, this is— Is that really you? This is really me. This is after I got my hair transplant.
They put all this—they inject all this stuff in your head, but it starts to come down your face. It's like pain reducers or whatever.
So at some point, you look like— Oh, my God. You look like the guy from Ghostbusters Thru 2.
dude i look like i fucking did a lot of cocaine that was could you do could you do uh uh pills like pain pills oh i don't know if you could take ibuprofen i think there was something you couldn't take could you take like uh pain pills yeah yeah they give you two pain pills right when you go in there and then they lay you down and you can watch different television shows. My place, it was a lot of Indian entertainment that they had in there.
So it was like the shows were Bollywood. I want to do that.
Dude, there's one. Type in Bollywood motorcycle dance.
So for a promo, I wanted to recreate this. And I was going to fly to Bollywood and do my promo in Bollywood.
Dude, money goes pretty far in Bollywood. So I could pay like 10 grand and get a full fucking production.
Bollywood motorcycle dance. That's it.
I bet that's it. Bollywood music video.
Guy comes off a motorcycle. These are awesome, dude.
And I was like, I'll'll learn the dance i'll get all the people and you gotta find the never mind fucking internet look at this this probably cost 40 just look at these dances they're so beautiful it's a whole movie yeah i don't know why we don't have more of that i guess they tried it in joker and it didn't work well they lynch they have a lot more joy of like I love this I bet I could do

this dance pretty easy

well they They have a lot more joy of like. I love this.

I bet I could do this dance pretty easy.

Well, this is a lot of people.

These people end up working at Disney World, I think.

They have a Bali Disney?

Bollywood Disney?

Yeah, do they have a Disney Land in India?

They have to, huh?

No.

I went out to dinner with a couple.

That's good.

And they go, did you,

Leanne and I just went to Paris. And they're like, oh, did you go to Disney Paris? And I was like, no.
And they're like, why not? And I was like, because I'm a fucking grown up. And they're like, oh, we went.
It's so awesome. And I went, I don't know if I could be friends with you.
Instead of going to the real Paris, you mean? No, no, no, no, no. They went to Paris and then went to Disney in Paris.
Oh. As opposed to just being in Paris.
They went to Disney in Paris. Like why go all the way there? It's the same fucking Disney.
Go to Orlando. Save some fucking money.
Stay here. Stay here and go to fucking Disney for the day.
They went to fucking Paris and then went to Disney World and saw Mickey Mouse. Who, by the way, just is Mickey Mouse.
It's the same fucking Mickey Mouse. It was amazing.
Can you imagine? No I can't imagine but then sometimes actually I went to China one time or somewhere and I had to get McDonald's. That's fine.
That's totally fine. That's like hey man this is my culture I want to see how you represent my culture.
Yeah. But going to see Mickey.

You go to fucking Australia and go to Outback Steakhouse?

Good day. Come on, what the fuck are we talking about?

God damn it.

Yeah, I don't, listen, when I travel, I like to do, I like to, I don't want to get up and crack it on and do a ton of shit.

I want to sleep in.

I want to wake up.

I want to go to the cafe, have a coffee, walk around, have some lunch, maybe some snails, a couple beers, keep walking around.

And then at a certain hour, I go, let's start bar hopping around the city.

Thank you. in i want to wake up i want to go to the cafe have a coffee walk around have some lunch maybe some snails a couple beers keep walking around and then at a certain hour i go let's start bar hopping around the city that's the fun way to do it and then a nice big dinner close it out at like two in the morning no you can sleep in the next day wake up go for a jog that's what i'm talking about you will not find me at fucking paris disney damn you heard it right there disney you heard it don't even come after him do you uh oh i want to talk about that stairway to olympics a little bit go back to it because i'm just curious about this this is going to be fucking awesome dude well i'm just intrigued i think we're going to start seeing more i've long wanted to do a game show of like stereotypes versus each other right like there's like family feud it's like the ronsons versus the hamiltons right but i want to see like the gays versus the Yiddish or whatever.

You know, like I want to see like dark blacks versus bakers.

Wait, can I soft pitch you?

More ideas within the same context.

Yeah.

What if, right, you don't know what the other team you're playing against is?

And in playing the game, you got to guess what they are.

So like all their answers are one way. So you you're like where's the best place to vacation and you hear a bunch of people go uh you're the uh team you're playing against said uh jamaica yeah and then the other one's like birmingham yeah yeah yeah yeah and so then and then the whole goal is to play the game and try to answer your questions as honest as possible, but try to guess who the other people are.
Okay, never mind. Bad pitch because you could just lie and misdirect people.
Keep going. But maybe that's part of – there could be a strategy in there that that's how you do it.
But I would love to see the stereotype games. I think that that's where we're definitely headed soon.
Stereotype games. Like asshole kids.
Like ADHD kids versus f*** or whatever, you know, that's not.

No, that would probably.

We got to take that one out.

But ADHD kids versus autistic kids.

Yes.

That would be great, dude.

And autistic kids don't need to talk.

They do mental telepathy.

Yeah.

They don't talk anymore.

They just just all documentary on that.

Google it.

And and you put the two of them against each other.

It'd be fucking great.

Great.

But I think there's a lot of like kids suffering from smallpox versus fat kids or whatever. What about this game show? You fuck what you get.
That's the name of the pitch. So a guy goes up, like we bring up Theo Vaughn, and you have a room full of 100 women.
And you guys, ladies, by your chair, you'll see a little panel. On a scale of 1 to 10, rate Theo Vaughn.
You can present yourself. My name's Theo.
I grew up in Louisiana. I'm a stand-up comedian.
I have a podcast. I'm on tour.
I'm just in a movie. Born in March.
Yeah, give them your sign. My birthday comes out the day after your special does.
I liked it. For real? March 19th.
For real? is yeah yeah march 18th nice um and then and then you ladies rate rate him on what you think and so they go theo von is an eight and you go cool now theo has already pre-rated every single one of you so look back at your panel and see what number you are and they look and they're like shit i'm a six he goes everyone below an eight get the fuck out so it just thins out the herd and you're like all right you are what Theo is willing to fuck now Theo this is the group of eights that think they're your equal you can either fuck one of the eights or you can go for a 10 and if you if you pick the 10 you've got to go to Paris Disney that's your vacation you gotta go to if you pick the 8, we're going to send you to Bali. And you're going to be on the beach all week.
You can fuck a 10, the fucking hottest, out of your league. You can't get her.
By number standards, you can't get her. And then you take the two of them on the date and you pick who they are.
What do you think? What do you think? I just like the idea of rating people. I'd go with an 8 to Bali.
I'd go with an 8 to Bali, too. I'd go with a 6 to Bali.
Did you really? I would. I'd go with my wife, but she's more like a six and a half.
Is she? I think so. I think she's getting prettier the older she gets.
You know what? I thought that the other day. I didn't think like that.
I just thought, oh, Leanne looks so pretty. That's my thought.
Can I do a secret time? Yeah. One of my favorite things in the world.
I don't know if you did it on purpose or I don't know how it came out, but I've said it a number of times. She did her live podcast at a Zany's and you came by to say hi and support her.
Oh, yeah. And she called me bawling crying.
She goes, you know, she goes that I was so nervous and I was so, you know, I feel like I'm in a different space and I'm doing my podcast and it, you know, and she goes, baby, I had to leave in the middle and go to do a show in Cincinnati or something. She called crying.
She goes, Theo came. And I went, what? She goes, Theo came.
She goes, that's why I love the people you've surrounded yourself because they're real people. She goes, Theo Vaughn came out to show me love and give me support.
And I got emotional telling it. So I was like, that's what you want.
You want to surround yourself with people that care about you, and it's just not about a business. Yeah.
But thank you for doing that. That was the sweetest thing you could have ever done.
Yeah, I forgot that I did that, but I did do that. Yeah, of course you did.
That's who you are. Sometimes you forget things you do.
That's it. You found it.
God, you're good. Can I hire your team? Sure.
It only took them 11 minutes.

Look at this.

Look at this, Theo.

Promo video for my new tour.

Coming, right?

Do this in Bollywood.

Watch this guy.

Watch this guy.

He's good, Theo.

Oh, my God.

Look at this.

Turkish hairlines, huh?

Look at this. Look at this, Theo.

How great is this?

So good.

God, I would have been the best Indian.

Your hair?

That wind blowing in your hair?

And I think just my attitude.

I would have had a good time over there. You think so? Yeah.
Theo, you would have never left your caste system. Are you going to AI Theo's face in it? I was going to do you, but...
Do me, do me, do me, do me, do me. Yeah, do vert.
Yeah, please do it. Hey, wait.
Think about it. This looks like AI.
This isn't AI. You would have never left your...
No, it's just Indians. I would have found a way out.
You can't. That's India.
I would have found a way. No.
That's our movie, dude. Cast Travelers or something.
Or cast. Time Casters.
Time Casters. You know, I like to save money.
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Are you going to do more movies?

Did you like it?

We're making our movie right now. You just made it.
We've got still five days left. Oh, for real? Yeah.
I didn't know that. I don't know.
We'll see. I am happy that we did it.
Can I ask you an honest question? Yeah, 100%, man. This is why I don't do, I shouldn't say this out loud, but this is why I only do my projects.
Because I noticed that I have, for lack of a better word, bad interior thoughts when I'm not in control. Yeah.
And I'm not good at it. So I did something for someone one time, and the whole time, in my head, I was like, I'm wasting my fucking life.
I'm wasting my life. I'm in fucking makeup, and no one's treating me with respect, and I'm fucking.
And I was like, I'm just the goddamn trailer waiting for some 18 year old to come and tell me it's time and I can't walk around I was like I'm wasting my fucking life and a friend of mine said just give me a heads up Notice this in yourself and do and get don't allow yourself in that situation She'll get a bad rap It's what they're saying happened with that chick and that dude is that they didn't they just lively or whatever Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever butake lively i like her i think yeah i don't know i don't even know what happened it just seemed like rich people being fucking rich or whatever but like but did you in doing it did you because i know how internal you are and i know how you like kind of pensive you are did you were there parts of it you're like okay if i do this again i'm not doing that or oh for sure really i think there's some of that i'm still learning yeah like there's just like certain like ways to like do the script differently um to like certain have less scripts we'd have more time to shoot certain scenes like that's one thing it's like we just kind of run out of time you know so it's like we can't you know um so you know you can only get so much coverages or whatever uh what else i don't know if i would ever do the acting again i would like to do the um producing or writing but i do i only like to i'm gonna say i i just only want to do things that i that i am in control of right yes because for, it's just I don't want somebody else to have control of how I look or seem. I don't want somebody else to have a say.
I don't want anybody to have any ownership over my voice. That's it for me.
It's like when I was a kid, I felt like I didn't have – I couldn't speak up for myself or something like that. I don't know what it is, but internally somewhere in there, that's what it is for me.

So it's like, I don't want to have to say anybody else's lines.

I just want to do what I want to do.

And if I live or die on that, then that's fine.

But at least it's just me, you know?

Do you ever run into the situation where you get hired for something?

They want you to come in and do something.

And then they're like, try to like script it for you a little bit.

Like my example is like, they'll be like, you're going to take your shirt off, right?

And I was like, I don't know.

Thank you. to come in and do something and then they're like try to like script it for you a little bit like my example is like they'll be like uh you're gonna take your shirt off right and i was like i don't know maybe i mean i don't know it's fucking 10 degrees out here and they're like okay but it's coming off though right it's like maybe you just come out and rip your shirt off and be like kill a beer and i'm like why i also talk yeah but it's like it's sometimes you get if especially if you get a little big you get kind of typecast as in as a producer they go like, so you'll just, like they did it today and were like, he's just come in like a hurricane.
Like with his hands going up like this. And he'd be like, ah.
But there was no, did you find that happening to you ever? No, I don't do anything. I only do our own stuff.
Like I don't ever do anything that I don't, I don't ever do anything else except for like our own things so me and Spade wrote that movie I knew that he's a great actor one of the funniest guys I know so he would be able to carry it I'm like the second guy who like is kind of we're just like a dumb buddy movie and so I never put myself in a position where somebody would have to be like you have to do something like this you you know, because it goes back to your reason. I learned I don't do well in that situation.
Like, you know, I tried to do a Chris Pratt had asked me to be in a movie years ago and I had to leave once I got there because once I, they didn't give you the script till you got there. And so once I got the script and stuff, I realized, Oh, this isn't, it just doesn't fit for me.
It doesn't work with who I want to be. How hard is that to do? To leave? yeah oh it definitely was hard it was a hard like you know text to send i sent it all in caps so they would know i was serious about it or whatever but yeah it was fucking did the movie come out huh what movie was yeah tomorrow war was that movie tomorrow war no and when i watched it back i ended up realizing i made the best choice for myself it took 12 weeks wait with tom cruise dude that's damn chris pratt brother that's chris pratt it's a new yeah huh um the tomorrow war what was that about it's about an amazon people went in the past uh i can't even remember it was kind of confusing confusing.
But it was great. It was fun.
I'm glad that I got to do it. Sorry, I'm glad I didn't get to do it.
Jesus. But I saw Chris.
Who ended up playing you? Just someone. They just moved the lines over to some other guy.
Oh, they didn't like him? I tried to get Josh Wolfe in, I remember, as a substitute. But they just moved the lines over to a different character.
But when I watched it back, back the guy had two lines and I would have better be there for 12 weeks it just wasn't a good fit right? The first movie I ever had a friend did Tom did a movie with Mark Wahlberg and he was there for like five weeks and I was like oh cool so you're in a lot of scenes? He's like I'm in like two scenes I was like you're there for five fucking weeks? He's like, I'm in like two scenes. I was like, you're there for five fucking weeks?

He's like, yeah, that's part of making a movie.

I was like, well, I'm not making a movie.

And then I was like, I'm not going to fucking sit in a hotel for five weeks?

You got to be kidding me.

I like.

Yeah, that was the thing.

It was a long time and it was in Atlanta. And also, I didn't know anybody on the set except for Marilyn Rice was there.

And I'd met only Chris Pratt just through Instagram messages. So I never met him yeah um so it's an easy text to send then yeah it was chill and i actually did call the director too and i called him and uh and just shared off that and they were they were cool about it you know but then there was like a thing like in hollywood like this guy might back out of your movie so i was like i don't fucking care dude like as long as i was cool with chris and everything was fine it was fine with me you know um but that's when i realized oh i can't do something if it's not my own thing and i i'm not going to be able to say oh we're we're keeping that or we're not keeping that or i don't want to be seen like that or this sort of thing then i just can't do that for me it's just how i work you know when i got back from serbia someone had written a part in a tv show for me and they text me like yo i wrote a part for you and i was like oh i'm yeah i'm gonna do it he's like we haven't even read it i was like i know that but it's not my show yeah he was like but hold on hang on i wrote it for you and i went okay i don't know what to tell you but i can tell i can just tell you yeah that if i go on to your show i'm gonna have feelings and i'm probably not gonna be great and i'm gonna be in a fucking different city for my family and i just got back from Serbia and I kinda wanna go on tour and I kinda wanna do my podcast and I kinda wanna like I don't wanna go on to another set and then play a you know fat guy that fucking eats snorts coke or whatever you know and so he was like and I was like and I'm friends with you and right now it seems we're friends so let's just keep the friendship and then we don't have to work together together.
Yeah. It's funny because it's like, if I was younger, I would have been totally opposite.
I would have been like, yeah, yeah, you're my friend right apart for me. And now I'm just like, no, please don't write apart for me.
Yeah. I think it's, I'm trying to think a little bit more about it.
I mean, this was like, I just remember thinking because we wrote it and then we, we, nobody wanted to direct it. Nobody wanted to help us with it.
No agent, no producers. Are you kidding? Wait, for anyone listening, that's how tough Hollywood is.
Right now, they are not making movies. No one's making movies.
Also, I don't know if they don't want certain people to have voices. It seemed easier for other people to make movies, right? I'll say that.
But also— Wait, wait. I know what you're saying.
Yeah. It seemed easier for other people to make movies right i'll say that but also wait wait good i know what you're saying yeah yeah it seemed easier for other people to make movies but you mean you mean you two cisgendered white privileged males had a hard time selling a movie in hollywood but that's the funniest fucking thing that there's because there is semi-true to that but but also we have had opportunities our entire life but also it's like you talk to any fucking writer any writer in hollywood who's like 50 a dude who's white they cannot get a job like they cannot work and they're and and they lose and these are all liberals yeah like you gotta realize a hollywood liberal writer man he's fucking storming the capital about those goddamn scripts that's crazy it's crazy i talked to any of them they're all like fucking dude whatever's happening in hollywood i was like you've had a good run yeah i think well i just then it was like what we have to do is like i don't like thinking that if you say i can't do it there's a part of me that wants to just show you that i can do it, right? Like, I'm not a great actor, right? I know that, and that's fine with me.
I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that.
Because it's not real. I have some moments that are good in this thing.
The fucking therapy movie are awesome. That's sweet of you.
It was easier for me to play like a disgruntled person kind of than I think like a dumb buddy kind of thing for some reason reason I've felt like that but then also I'm like going back and looking at the things and I'm like thinking of what else needs to be in this scene like my mind's kind of like all over the place but I do think that it's funny the script is super funny um I'm curious to see how it was shot how that plays out and stuff so and I'm just glad that I think when I look back on my life you know i'll be glad that i got to do a movie with david spade and oh yeah and it's like yeah we funded ourselves when we funded ourselves we did like we did it all it's like it was crazy wild to me because you guys are i mean david is a legend david spade is like i think. He's a legend.
When you look at, like, SNL, right? Did you watch 50 years last night? Yeah, I was there. You were there? No, I was there for the 50th.
I was there Friday and Saturday night. Okay.
But when you watch it, it's pretty epic. And I will say SNL's 50th is a lot better if you're 50 because you watched a lot of it.
If you're 20 years old, you're like,

I don't get why these racist...

Yeah, like where's Timothee Chalamet?

Yeah, where's Timothee Chalamet?

How come Pete Davidson is not in more sketches?

Where's fucking, you know...

Chaperone.

Chaperone.

But when you watch it and you're older,

you're like, oh, I remember Eddie Murphy.

Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell and Kenan Thompson were fucking gold.

Eddie Murphy doing Tracy Morgan.

Did you see that?

I saw the skit with Eddie Murphy and Tracy – Black Jeopardy, you mean?

Yeah, where Eddie Murphy was playing Tracy Morgan next to Tracy Morgan.

It was so fucking –

Maybe I didn't pick up that that's what it was.

Oh, did you see it? Yeah. Yeah.
I saw this right here. See the name Tracy underneath it? Oh, now I get it.
What did you think he was doing? I didn't know what he was doing. I just thought he was doing Tracy Chapman or whatever.
No, it wasn't Tracy Chapman. This was my favorite sketch ever.
We can't play it because it'll get docked. They will blame it, sorry.
But dude, it was great. What was I saying? But David Spade is like, when you look at comedy history, right? Yeah.
When they talk about comedy history, now it's kind of interesting, I think, because you look back at the last 50 years. Yeah.
And there's only like a handful of names, but legends like Belzer, he'll be remembered. Richard Belzer? Yeah.
Larry David, Jerry Seinfeld, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Carl LeBove will be remembered. He was one of the outlaws of comedy.
And then when you look at our generation, we're so thick with comics, like so thick. There's so many fucking comics right now that a lot of us are going to get forgotten and lost in conversation.
David Spade will not be lost in conversation. Out of all the SNL people, he has had one of the most probably fucking crystal clear, pristine, hysterical.
His movies will fucking forever be talked about. Tommy Boy, Black Sheep, Meet Joe Dirt, the fucking all.
He's a legend. And to make a movie with him is like, that's the coolest thing you're ever going to get to do.
Yeah, that's what I felt like. I was like, I just have to do it.
do it and we made it ourselves it's like we made it it's like we don't have anybody telling us what to do and that's what i realized i was like oh if i if we say it went in the script and it went in the script and it went on the screen if i had to go through a beat on a set to go ask somebody for permission to do it that way then i wouldn't be able to do it right i just i wouldn't i i did like you're saying i just know it would not react well with me viscerally and if someone's like Theo I don't get it you'd be like hold on hang on I I hit dingers like like I what I do is just tell jokes and I'm just funny so trust me that if I think it's funny let me just try and a lot of people be like I don't know yeah I couldn't have especially like when you see a lot of the funny like but also I gotta see how this thing is how it looks when it's done like i have no fucking clue the script is super funny we put all our own jokes in it we wrote it for two years like we definitely so but i have no clue how it goes from doing the scenes which are all done out of order to then it being an actual you know how it like that i cannot my brain can't matric or like figure all that out like um but we had some funny but yeah like nate diaz has a role i saw nate posted about it today uh tim dylan has it plays uh the manager bobby lee bobby lee came in and did a yep we got uh william mccullough william montgomery montgomery casey rocket some of the kill tony guys and there's some some other also great actors and stuff. But then we also didn't want to overdo it and have everybody you knew.
There's Spadey right there and Nate Diaz, dude. Fucking hilarious.
That's a picture I saw. Oh, yeah.
That was cool, dude. That was so much fun.
And I think I'll look back and be like, man, this thing was cost you a ton of money and it wasn't worth it. But, man, you had a fucking good time.
That's what I think. When I did The Machine, the very first night I was like, I'm not going to drink.
There's Chris Avila right there. That's Nate's buddy.
But it's, I mean, it's a real movie. Like when you're there, you're like, damn, this is a real movie.
Yeah. And I have one thing I got on set was ice bath and sauna really there's a portable company

and they have ice bath and sauna and they bring it and they set it up right there for real and

that was like the one thing because i knew i wasn't gonna be able to go to a ton of aa meetings so i

was like i'm gonna have to have something to like hijack my system to like help me so i don't you

know you know or when was the last time you shot a place up never but it's like you don't want to get there in front of a bunch of people you know especially around your friends when was the last when was the last time you fell off the wagon oh man uh what's what's it like when you really like the morning after is it is it like shameful or do you go like like is it because that's the only reason I never quit drinking is i don't want to fucking i don't want to relapse like that like honestly my biggest problem with when i quit drinking is getting back to drinking is so difficult because you you're doing so well and you're like i'm feel good i'm losing weight i feel fucking happy like well i don't want to drink and then you're like yeah but i'm on a cruise and a champagne and then the next's just like, the fuck? You let everyone down. Although no one's let down because I never quit drinking.
Right. But what's it feel like? Oh, I see that pressure of letting everybody down.
That's my pressure is why I'm terrified to quit drinking. So you're afraid to quit drinking because then if you relapse and you'll have let everybody down.
Yeah. That's crazy, dude.
I thought you were going to say it was brilliant. No, it's like the same way like you ever see you ever see someone that loses weight right yeah and they're like i lost like 90 pounds you're like cool and then they gain it back plus some and you're like oh you should have never tried to lose weight you should have just stayed that fat that fat was good for you well you see people losing weight and suddenly it feels like the person that's been inside them is finally coming out to play or whatever you start to see that coming to the surface like a fish coming to the surface you know sometimes sometimes you see that sometimes people lose weight and they're like and you're like i like to have that oh yeah i knew a guy like that he used to clean the pool over at my friend's house and one time i was there catching some rays and he shows up and i hadn't seen him in forever and he'd lost 170 pounds or something.
This dude comes in, and he's walking around the pool, and I'm like, and he's kind of looking at me, but he didn't say anything because I knew the fat pool guy. Yeah.
I knew him well. So you're looking for the fat pool guy.
Yeah, maybe it's his brother or his son, or maybe they got a new guy. I didn't say anything to the dude.
So we're out there around each other for like 45 minutes and didn't say anything.

And then later that evening, I was like, man, you guys got a new pool guy.

And they're like, no, that's the same guy.

He lost 190 pounds.

I was like, fuck.

Isn't that crazy?

You can change.

Because when you lose weight, you kind of change your personality.

Oh, yeah.

Because there's a narcissism.

And by the way, I'm with every grain of salt.

There's a narcissism about a person who decides weight loss is going to be their thing. I'm going to get real skinny.
I want to get ripped. Like, it's okay to get healthy.
But, like, when you go, like, and look, if you're 400 pounds, that's not narcissism. That's just getting yourself to the next level.
But you can change your personality when you lose weight. What if you could do something? You could change your race.
Like, what if you, like, they're like, dude, if you start eating blueberries, you'll be black.

Wouldn't that be cool?

Yeah.

Just to be like, oh, you're eating a lot of blueberries?

Like, I'm going to be black next month.

Like, yeah, we got a game on Thursday.

Like, I'm going to polish off a few before I go into practice.

That's what I would do.

If blackberries really made you black?

Yeah. You're eating a lot of mozzarella.
You're like, taxes are due in April you know how it is fuck what's up with the burritos my yard's a fucking mess I gotta fucking clean that shit up Jesus somebody's gotta do it what's up with the tuna fish sandwiches just trying to improve my credit that's all just wanna get my good credit score god good credit score. God damn it.
Whoa, what's up with eating pussy? And you're like, I don't know. That's just for fun.
What's up with all those hot dogs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know.
Same thing. Dude, what about being the first gay dude ever? That must have been crazy.
Because imagine everybody's straight, right? And you wake up or something happens. You get hit by by lightning or whatever and suddenly you're gay and you're like oh my god like you're just talking to your buddy who you've who you've talked to every day for years and and you're just like thinking like i'm gonna stuff his fucking face with some wiener and you're like what and and then you like don't like imagine that because then you have to take some other guy aside or somebody aside and be like, hey, this is going to seem totally crazy to you guys.

But I keep thinking about coming on Jacob or whatever, you know, and people are like, yeah, that does sound crazy.

Don't tell anyone that.

Don't tell anyone that you're the only one that thinks that.

Yeah.

And then imagine the moment where you meet the other gay guy.

You're like, were you were you like I remember I had a buddy one time we were at a beach and he was like hey man can i say something crazy to you that i've never really said to anyone but i want to run it by you and see if you think it oh i say no when people say that kind of shit i fucking oh i said yes i said yeah we were drinking we were smoking weed i was like run it by me he goes there's a thing that everyone says they don't do that I do.

And I was like, please be jerking off.

Please be jerking off.

Please be jerking off.

I go, okay.

And he's like, everyone says that if you do it, you're gay.

But I do it and I'm not gay.

And I just wanted to like run it by you and see if you do it.

And I said, okay.

What's the thing?

And he goes, I jerk off. And I had the weight of the world come off my shoulders.
I went, I jerk off too. I jerk off too.
Oh, my God, I thought I was the only one that jerked off. I thought I was gay because I jerked off because that's what they tell you at Catholic school.
You don't jerk off. Don't touch yourself.
It means you're gay. You want to play with dicks.
That was what must be being gay and meeting another gay for the first time feels like. We're like, oh, my God, I want to suck but how do you let them know do you just be like i would love to see that i would love i would love gays in the wild or whatever meeting like a rich richard attenborough movie where they're like okay we have at that lunch table two gay men the memphis homosexual yeah and then you can watch them kind of feel each other out.
Yeah. Perusing the Whole Foods produce section.
What I think is fascinating is the gay dudes who hook up with the gay football player who then is like, you can't tell anyone I'm gay. I'm going to beat your fucking ass.
And you're like, okay. You know? Yeah.
Like, that's like. Yeah.
Like, why do I get my ass beat just because you're being gay or whatever that doesn't make any sense I wish I could find out wouldn't it be cool if like on Instagram I guess you could but you could find out every gay dude you ever knew growing up and apologize to him or whatever no I don't need to apologize just to know who they are. Oh, yeah, to see who they are?

Yeah, dude, I think in the future you'll be able to know immediately if somebody's gay.

My buddy's dad used to get, he'd get like the hiccups if people were gay.

Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, like allergic to gay people?

No, he would just have like a, he would just like, he'd be like.

Like an allergy?

Yeah. Like all of a sudden if a gay person got too close to him, he'd go uh-oh you're like i hope it's not me someone get him a glass of water quick count to 10 while you're drinking 10 sips yeah stand on your head on your head quick quick quick quick either that or you're getting the fuck out of here stand on your head or somebody's gay dude it's just so crazy that being gay was always like funniest thing to people.
It still is funny, I think. It's so different.
I'm certain gay guys make fun of straight guys. I'm sure they do about the way we think.
They're like, oh yeah, I want all that pussy. Oh my god, who wants pussy? They want that long pussy, that wiener.
I mean, everything, everything. Like, you ever seen white people make fun of, black people make fun of white people's texts? Uh-uh.
Is it good? It's so good. But, like, the idea that they can't understand the way we communicate.
Black people just can't wrap their head around the way we simply communicate on a text. And they think it's crazy.

They're like, shut up.

There was a text H.O.S.B.

And they were like, what do you think?

It's a black dude reading it.

He speaks white.

And he goes, they go.

And his white girlfriend's like, what is H.S.O.B.? What would that mean? And that mean and he goes oh i know what it means it's hold on one damn second buddy and everyone's and they're like what they put buddy on the end of it and he's like oh yeah and but like they find that funny yeah so like everything everything you can find everything funny like i like i still think like like i put my dick and balls in a wine glass one time. And I went up behind Tom and I went.
Actual glass, wine glass? Yeah, wine glass. That's very dangerous.
Yeah. And I went up to him behind his shoulder.
Oh, yeah. And I went, cocktail? And he turned around.
I find that to be the funniest thing you could ever do. Yeah.
I love it. I love it.
I love. I used to do this thing where I would pull my nuts up over my wiener, right? That's not where I thought you were going with that.
You're kind of laying on your back, nuts up over your wiener, kind of wrap your wiener. So it almost looks like a baby head coming out of your body, right? And you'd be like, I'm having a baby or whatever, you know? Yeah.
And then people would be like, what the fuck are you doing? You'd have to fucking kind of run off and hide or whatever. People would be like, wait, what the fuck are you doing? We're in a library.
What the fuck? Oh, dude, there was nothing more crazy than being at the fucking library when you were a kid. It was basically just like a couple thousand square feet of you hiding from a lady who's obsessed with Voltaire or whatever.
And you and your friends were just in there being loud there was like one other person in a wheelchair in there it like never made any fucking sense they're just in there like in the they're just like wandering the halls of the old internet or whatever like they wanted to teach us the Dewey Decimal System so bad when we were kids the library was always ridiculous I felt like what was I going to ask you about oh so so yeah, I wonder if people would watch the Stairway to Olympics or if it would be too much for people. Why not? Because you're going to get people that are going to be risky.
No, but why even have the regular Olympics? Well, regular Olympics are regular. You know, the playing field is even.
Playing field is even when you use drugs. Yeah.
Right? I mean, honestly, if you're like okay uh what are you gonna watch I wanna watch high jump a guy can high jump seven feet that's cool there's a dude 10 feet what do you mean like over a basketball hoop like 10 feet it's like fucking crazy and they light it on fire and you're like oh put that one on it's like I mean it's just like supply and demand what do you want to watch you know a guy sprint like sprinting is pretty cool right the sprinters are pretty cool Noah Lyle Tyreek Hill I want to watch that head to head but what if they bring in a guy that's like oh he fucking smokes those guys and you get to see a real blur of a human just like a cheetah and you're like whoa i mean physical capabilities when you see people it's like the natural bodybuilding versus why would you ever put the two together i want to see the big ones but but what i just worry about their ramification like if somebody's but i guess if they want to do it but you're going to blow your body out how great was baseball when mark mcguire and sammy sos were how great was baseball to your point it was so fucking great and then they ruined it by taking steroids away and these guys weren't i mean look i don't know what they were doing i don't know steroids yeah but i think it was all for recovery i mean it wasn't wasn't like they were like i don't think they were doing deck i think they were doing trt if i'm not mistaken i don't remember i don't really know but they were pretty jacked they weren't something their heads were growing that's the thing it's like if you got my head's growing your head is I have a size 8 head and now my head size 8 hats because of the TRT I guess I don't know well that's the thing dude it's like if you start getting on the drugs then like you're gonna have a lot of forehead monsters out there just wandering around you know just fucking I just wonder what type of intention is jumping into the stands and

fucking punching their wife or something

like you're going to have shit like

it's just going to get pretty intense somebody throw the

javelin out in the fucking parking lot or whatever

and hit that guy that

works in the booth

HGH

human growth hormone is a crazy one

you show up and their hands are bigger and shit

and they're fucking they can catch a fish

they can just easily catch a fish and shit

they don't even yeah before and after pictures of barry bonds is fucking insane oh yeah brother look at him look at him yeah it's like you're not even it's like but your skeleton and stuff grows that's the thing dude or what if then they had they had like the fasting games it's like people that haven't in months or whatever, and they have to play. They have to do the Olympics, and it's just like going up two stairs or whatever.
I pitched it for UFC. Or getting out of a blanket fully, but you haven't eaten in like months, and you're just so – you have no energy.
I like that. I want to – It'd be more of an ASMR type of game.
I challenged Israel Adesanya as a joke.

I would love to fight him, but we both got to drink 12 beers first. I talked to Izzy about it, and he was like, I'm not going to lie.
It'll be an interesting fight because he's like, I'm not a big drinker. So I'd be fucking wasted.
And I was like, 12 beers doesn't do anything to me. Like, what if you put Shane Gillis and like, and Izzy's a perfect example because he doesn't drink, but Shane Gillis is going to drink 12 beers and not feel a thing.
Yeah. Oh, I think Izzy would beat the ever-living shit out of both of you guys.
To be honest, first of all. Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, because he's fucking great at it. Because it's really just taking both of you guys, your current levels, giving you each 12 beers.
Yeah, just giving us 12 beers. We haven't increased our level at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're trying to diminish his, but even after 12 beers, he still is a professional fucking fighter.
Yeah, so that's a part that would be risque. He came to my New Zealand show and I had said it a couple times on Two Bears that I wanted to do it.
And he came up and they're like, I get a text. They're like, yo, Izzy wants to come to your show.
And I was like, okay, but I've said some joking wild shit. Like I said it about everyone.
I do it to everyone. I did it to Connor.
I did it. I just like, guys I know have sense of humor.
The Cage Fighters, I love those guys. Michael Chandler, all those guys.
Michael Bisping, they're funny fucking dudes. Oh, yeah, most of those guys are.
Most of them. There's a couple that aren't, but I just don't think they get comedy.
But I don't mention those guys. Sugar Sean, fucking great, dude.
He is fucking awesome. He has the best sense of humor.
Dude, Connor, hysterical. Nate Diaz, fucking love Nate.
Nick, all of them. But I was like, I don't know if Izzy's got a sense of humor like I don't and then everyone's like he does he does he does and they're like I get a text you want to come to my can I come to your show I was like yeah of course DM or something so I get him tickets and he comes back and he's with like all his buddies and comes over and he's like hey the machine and he grabs me and he holds me by the neck real tight and he real quick brings his knee to my stomach.
He goes, you still want to fucking fight me? And I went, no. And he goes, ah, just kidding around.
I was like, oh my God, I would have been fucking destroyed. This man is so fucking strong and so quick and just bigger.
Yeah, I think they'll just gift wrap you. Like they work at the mall at that place where you get that nice wrapping or whatever.

He'll fucking tie you up with his feet.

That'd be crazy if he gift wrapped you with his own feet.

You guys have a 5K coming up, I saw.

Oh, yeah, two pairs of 5K.

Are you going to run?

Run, run.

I'm not going to run this year.

Why not?

I just can't do it.

Why?

I just don't think I could do it.

Yeah, you could.

I don't know.

Theo.

And Jelly Roll's on it. Dude, I saw Jelly Roll.
Is Tom one of Zempick, do you think? Is Tom one of Zempick? I don't think I could do it I don't know And Jelly Roll's on it Is Tom on a Zempick do you think Is Tom on a Zempick I don't know No he just works out really hard He looks so thin here No that's not him Those are different bodies But he is very thin Right now he's like 186 pounds. Oh my God.
Yeah, he's really thin.

He works out really hard and he watches everything he eats.

Wow, so he's really locked in on that.

He's really locked in. I saw Jelly Roll two nights ago.

The healthiest I've seen him look.

Jelly is down 130 pounds and he looks fucking great.

And the thing about this is, you know, we just did this as a lark.

They look happy.

You look immensely fucking scared of getting some results back. Yeah yeah i don't know why they picked that picture for me but anyway we did this as a lark on two bears me and tom said we'll just do a 5k because i've always run i ran the la marathon i've run half marathons tough mutters uh spartan races i've done all of them i enjoy the event the event for me is fun it's 5k is so digestible.
I just ran Travis Barker's in New Orleans over the Super Bowl. And I said, you know, Tom, let's do a 5K.
And I've always had stupid ideas, like big tentpole stupid ideas that never pan out. And Tom's like, yeah, let's do it.
We called a bunch of celebrities on our, you know, comics, just friends on the show. Everyone committed.
Barely any of them showed up. But Jelly Roll heard it.

And he went on Nelk Boy's podcast, and he was like, I think I need to get in shape.

And by the way, type in Jelly Roll on Bustin' with the Bears.

You forget how big he was.

And so he said, I'm going to commit to Bert and Tom's Two Bears 5K,

and I'm doing my first 5K.

And he started training.

And I get FaceTimes from him.

He's like, I hate this.

Does this get any better?

I was like, it doesn't.

It takes a while before it starts getting better.

And he did.

Came out.

Like, good to his word.

Came out to LA.

Did the 5K with me.

I wore a 50-pound weight vest.

Look at how big he was.

Wow, he's big right there.

How big he was.

He looks so.

Man, I saw him the other night.

I literally grabbed his face. And I was like, oh, my God.
He at it by the way look at fucking taylor look how big taylor looks taylor's so lean now somebody said he's modeling or something it's crazy that his wife married that and then now she gets that she gets like a really skinny good-looking dude who looks like he listens to blink 182 all2. All the small things.
Yeah, totally. He said he got all the small things tattooed right above his cock, too.
That's what I heard. So Jelly came out for the Two Bears 5K last year, and we did it.
I wore a 50-pound weight vest. He did it last year? He did it last year.
He did it last year. He lost, like, 70 pounds.
People magazine did a big write-up on him. He really kind of eventized the event because I think Jelly was just starting to really, really pop.
And everyone's like, good for him. And then people were like, I can do that.
Like Kid Rock called him in the middle of the race. Like, dude, I'm proud of you.
And we walked it. His wife, Bunny, and my wife, Leanne, and him.
We walked the whole thing. Oh as we cross some as we crossed the line looks great he was crying oh bunny was crying leanne was crying you know i was crying and jelly's like you might have bunny said to me you might have saved his life from whatever this stupid idea was and so from that moment he's like yo we're doing this again this year so we're doing it in tampa may 4th at raymond j And I mean, I'm telling you right now, it's going to be such a big fucking event.
Like it is. Y'all are doing it at Raymond James Stadium? We're doing it in the stadium and then we're partying on the field after.
We've got fucking polar plunges, saunas. We've got a rope climb.
We've got. And people are just, people are coming out and doing it with y'all? People are doing the 5K.
I'm going to do it. I think I'm doing it three times.
So I'm going to run the first heat. I'm going to run the second heat.
And then I'm going to run the third heat with Jelly and Bunny and Leanne. And how far is it? Seven miles? No, it's three miles.
It's so doable. Oh, it is? You could do it.
Oh, I could do it. Yeah, I know.
I could do it. Well, here's what happened to me.
I broke my toe like probably three weeks ago. So I'm dealing with that right now.
Which toe, big toe? Second from the right. the one next to the little piggy or whatever.
Wait, what foot? Right foot. Second from the right, next to the little piggy.
Yeah. I broke it, dude.
And so it's been miserable. There's so many things I've been able to do.
What do you do for working out? I do a lot of yoga right now. And then I'll just do like circuit training, but like fine, like four exercises, do four reps of them, you know, and do that four times and then I'll do like three blocks of those.
But this past three weeks has been miserable. It sucks when you break a toe.
Dude, it's unbelievable. I was like, you gotta be kidding me.
You can't hardly do anything. I can't even push off into a good hug with anybody.
People are like, you can't even fucking hug or whatever, you pussy or whatever, you hug pussy. I dropped a whiskey bottle on my three toe, my big toe, the toe next to it and the toe

next to that.

And I shattered them.

And I was like, what do I do?

And they're like, nothing.

Yeah.

I just had to wait and wait.

It was my big toe.

I was barefoot for three months.

It was, it was so, it was, it happened December.

It happened January, January, January 1st, January 1st.

So it's been a month and now they're fine. They're fine already? Yeah.
Testosterone, testosterone, testosterone. Testosterone helps, huh? Oh, so reparative.
What the fuck am I doing? What are you doing? I'm just afraid I'll lose my hair. You're not going to lose your hair.
You can always give so much fucking hair. Can I have some? No.
I would love some of your hair. But here's what happens.
People say you're not going to lose your hair, and then you fucking, well, I tried TRT one time a few years ago. And I lost some of my fucking hair.
No. Yeah, motherfucker.
I did. God damn it.
Is that. Wait.
Can I see the new hair? Huh? Is that new hair? You can't really see it. They just kind of put it in there.
And I think my hair that I lost because of stress actually grew back. I think I just had so much stress.
You look like you have a ton of hair right now. That I was shedding.
What's crazy is that your top hair goes gray before your side hairs.

So then it'll be perfectly peppered.

Somebody save me.

You had also my favorite musician right now, one of anyway,

Stephen Wilson Jr. was on your podcast.

How great is he?

Every bones and tethered.

You want to change my name, got to drain my blood. Everything I am is everything he wants.
He's the best. He is really great.
I'm a song. I'm a song.
I know you love that one. I've listened to that one a couple times.
It's not my favorite. You serious? I've listened to it because I know you like it.
Yeah. I've listened to it.
And I know how much you love it. I love it, dude.
because it's so beautiful that it's not my favorite you're serious i've listened to it because i know you like it yeah i've listened to it it's just and i know how much you love it i love it dude because it's it's so beautiful that it i remember the song i lost my virginity to i remember the song i got my first car to i remember the song that leanne and i fell in love to i remember the songs for me like i get very emotional listening to music i i mean every one of these episodes i'm like yo don't put the camera on me i'm. And did you hear what happened when I did it with him? He goes to start playing, and he starts playing I'm a Song.
And he had to stop. He goes, Bert, can you please not cry like that? Like, I cried out loud.
But, man, music for me is so emotional. Red Clay Strays came over to my house and played.
Oh, yeah, so good. And I was like, shut the fuck up.
Dude, Goose is one of my favorite bands in the world. You know Goose? No, my best friend Scott loves them, but I haven't listened to them that much.
I've had very, very, I've been very blessed with the opportunities of having these. This band is so fucking great.
But I've been very blessed to have all these guys and girls come over and play music for me. Because I just, I love music.
And I think sometimes i'm good in a podcast like if i if i'm talking to you because because i don't know but sometimes with like younger comics i'm at the best because i don't like i don't know i'm not great you know but with musicians i'm so much i'm so fascinated by their process and who they are and i don't know anything about them and you get to kind of deep dive them and you've had some great fucking musicians on.

I saw Billy Strings live the other night.

Oh yeah, he's so great.

Billy Strings?

He took me fishing one day too.

He's such a special guy.

For real?

Yeah, he's just the most...

He's so normal.

He's so not a celebrity.

He's just a normal guy.

Do you think you're not a celebrity?

I think I don't like the celebrity part of it it i don't see a lot of value in it but like you get a lot of access to cool shit it's a mirage yeah like that's the only thing i see that you like about celebrity is and i wouldn't say that you like it but i noticed that you travel and go see the events you want to see like you get to go do everything like i look at yours i'm like you're at ufc you're a fucking jelly roll show you're at uh kid rock show you're at you're like at the fucking uh republican national convention or whatever the thing the inauguration like i look at that and i go that only comes with celebrity yeah you don't get that if you're just talented. You got to be famous and talented.
And so I think I see you leveraging that in the best ways that you're filling your interests. I think I saw you with Caitlin Clark.
Oh, yeah. And I was like, that only comes with celebrity.
And so. Well, I'm a fan of hers.
I'm a, I'm friends with her boyfriend. Really? Connor.
Yeah. Connor no connor it'd be crazy it'd be illegal it sounds like um connor mccaffrey but um hold on is she dating christian mccaffrey's brother no i don't think they're related but we went up to watch uh caitlin me and caleb and then that's how we met connor you you interviewed jesse murphy jesse murph Jessie Murph? Yeah, she's the best.
That's the little girl that sings Cigarette Cardinal with Jelly Roll. Oh, Wild Ones.
Wild Ones. I got a thing for a 45 on them and with them about 102.
Always smoking something and worried about nothing and he ain't got nothing to lose. I was like, I should not love this song as much as I love it.
What did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show? super bowl halftime show i thought i tweeted about it that i thought it was boring right and i i only know like i'm not a big kendrick listener right okay because and then a couple days ago i ended up taking down my tweet actually i just felt like well i guess i felt like why am i judging this i don't fucking know you know i'm saying i think sometimes you forget that like people are gonna make a big could make a big deal out if you tweet something that you can't just say like fucking whatever you want without some people having like reactions to it maybe well dude I mean I think I think it I'm sure you've had gotten negative feedback in your life and you just go well that wasn't my intent and then if you ever talk to that person they're like oh I didn't know you're gonna see it and you're like like if Kendrick might be a big fan of yours and he sees it and then he's like oh fuck i know that sucks right yeah right i thought about that but then i also i know i just thought about like why am i i think like two days that i was like why am i why am i judging this guy and then people are gonna judge me like what kind of energy am i really creating i don't think that's what i thought when i was tweeting and i was just like oh you know, I just, it was, it didn't feel like it was for me. I don't know.
I didn't know enough of his songs. I think that was the, I mean, there's, I think there was a bunch of issues.
I think number one is his catalog. His catalog is very big in the culture and in white culture.
I don't think there's enough crossover. He's only have like two crossover songs.
I think he played both of them, but like, I'll tell you being there, I was sitting next to Jameis Winston when it happened and man, we loved it.

It was really fun in the stadium.

Maybe on TV it didn't translate, but it was really

fun in the stadium. The interesting person's

take was Kid Rock's take.

Did you hear his? He was like,

Kid Rock's...

I remember he shot those Pepsis up

when that fellow was drinking them gay Pepsis

or whatever. He's got...
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Bud Light. Oh, Bud Light.
I'm sorry. But his take was he did this for the culture.
Like Kid Rock's take was pretty insightful because Kid Rock grew up loving in hip-hop, in hip-hop. And so his take was really kind of insightful.
It was like, yeah, yeah we did this for the culture he did this as representation of like everyone on stage is black it was all about like inside what what they listened to i mean kendrick's a fucking legend dude yeah here are my take okay it's fucking new orleans like kind of like why notzy, Wayne, Master P? Like, why not the way they did L.A.? Right. And it doesn't have to be black, you know? I mean, I'm sure there's Harry Connick Jr.
sang at the beginning. There's a lot of talent that isn't.
But I mean, New Orleans is like a black music town. Jazz, hip-hop, juvie.
Oh, it would have been sick. But sick but then somebody i thought that too somebody brought to my attention but most of the people in new orleans aren't at the game probably it's a lot of people from out of town so then it's like yeah it's interesting do you celebrate the city what is the real goal of whoever they put out there or why they put certain like um stars um but then also i thought thought, well, also a lot of the athletes are black.
They may all, Kendrick might be one of their favorites just because I haven't listened to a lot of Kendrick except for the mainstream stuff. Doesn't mean I don't, you know, that I wouldn't like it.
I don't know. I guess I probably wanted something more that a basic white guy would want.
Bruno Mars. Jellyuno mars bruno mars is there's no one there's no performer better than bruno mars his shows top to goddamn bottom are the most entertaining shows with so many songs you recognize yeah it is that guy is so talented justin timberlake i'm worth my money new kids on the block bring them back i would be a cool super bowl show maybe if they'd have done like some music over the years but i think sometimes you've just you don't you forget that just because you do like if if it wasn't me tweeting nobody would probably shared it or given a fuck yeah and i don't mean that in a way like an ego way like but sometimes you're just tweeting shit just thinking like this is what i think nobody's gonna care i said i said out loud we should have been a little way and juvie and everyone and then we were at uh we were doing i did a show at the super bowl with nikki tony and shane and uh and i didn't even i didn't even see my critique come back at me but someone goes why didn't you have theo and mark here and i was like huh and they're like this is their hometown they should have performed here and i went oh fuck i was like i didn't even think i didn't even you guys asked me to come do it i think we did yeah actually i just couldn't yeah we did yeah i couldn't go home for the super bowl because i was had to do that movie god damn it that's right i did i wanted to ask mormon too yeah that guy yeah fuck that guy you know i mean it's always something that's going to make you feel some type of way, I guess.
And then it's like, I don't know. I mean, but then I was like, why do I fucking care? And who needs to hear my opinion? Some of you think like that.
Okay, I'm going to interrupt you. Because here's what I'd love to know.
Did you get any pushback when you went to the Republican inauguration? Yeah. For real? Yeah, I did get pushed back about it, which I didn't really understand.
Like, I would go, if anybody invited me to go to the inauguration, dude, like people on the street where I grew up, they're not, nobody's ever going to the inauguration. Nobody from my fucking street, my neighborhood is ever going to the inauguration, probably ever.
No. They're not, some of these people cannot legally vote anymore um so the simple fact that i got to go right bobby kennedy is a friend of mine bobby kennedy's a sweet dude people are like you're not i'm gonna support my fucking friend i don't care if they're if i have a friend that went to jail for even something serious i would still go and you know maybe speak on their behalf sometimes or take them bread or whatever you know.
I'm going to be supportive. So, yeah, some of that shit.
But I would never hold it against somebody if they went to an inauguration. So then I got to start thinking, well, that's just odd of that person.
Some of that's on them. I've even had friends that I've texted and they'll be like, oh, it's didn't know you were so MAGA or whatever.
whatever and it was like i've never ever in my life thought of myself as maga you know i've never thought of you as i've never thought of you as political i've thought of you as just a person interested in living life like that's i mean that's my perspective like i didn't i honestly i i when you went to the inauguration i was like oh that's fucking dope that's fucking crazy like i would go in a heart i'd go in a Bush's when I was a kid I went to George Bush's State of the Union I went to Bill Clinton's State of the Union and George Bush's State of the Union no one ever called me on it like I was 18 16, 18 whatever the fuck it is I went to both I went to the State of the Union like every time we got a president my uncle could get me in. Wow.
And I just think it's a crazy wild thing to see democracy working and like I got invited to an inauguration or I got invited to the Republican National Convention but it was as an influencer and I was like I'm not gonna. Yeah I wouldn't.
I think I got invited as that too. I wouldn't go to.
I wouldn't do something like that. I'm not go like go like I'm going to get you fans.
Right. But like if you invite me and I don't have to do shit and I can hang out, I fucking go.
I thought it was cool shit. Yeah, I wouldn't go to support like one party.
You know what I'm saying? Like if somebody like I got asked to do some Republican stuff like that, I wouldn't go do that. You know, and we just got lucky with that.
That's who would come on our podcast was Vance and Trump. Everybody got asked.
Everybody was in. Everybody was emailing with us, but they didn't want to come.
Like, there's nothing I can do about that. And then you expect that I'm not going to go kind of be supportive of the fact that they even came and they came.
Yeah. Fuck.
At least they fucking gave a fuck to come. Do you know? I think Trump, like what they're doing with Gaza and him coming in and speaking on that is one of the most fucked up things i've ever heard of in my life kind of you know you lost me that's how little i know about politics but so it's like yeah i don't know that shit was kind of crazy to me but then you got to realize like all you could like i just have to just be myself man and i don't even know who that is sometimes and so i'm still learning about who that is you know what you should what i mean this is what i'm saying this to hear it right yeah i'm saying this to hear it but what you have to realize is the people that love you love you and then fuck everyone else that's the truth is i'm trying to get to that the people that love you love you and fuck everyone else because you can't fucking help someone that doesn't like you that person that sends that text has been waiting to send that text for sure in one manner or another they're bothered by everything good happening your life it's a reflection of their shortcomings and they're like didn't know you were so mega and you're like go fuck yourself go fuck yourself yeah if you ever think you could i would never let anybody even put a pin in me that's described me as one part of one group anyway i i will never be part of one group i wouldn't even do that to myself this is who i am i'm vegan they don't even have the fucking group that i am you know and hey buddy they do not have the group you are and i think they don't have the group that a lot of us are they don't have more complex than it's being like you're this or that you know yeah if they said we had a fucking 30k struggling alcoholic guy who's in therapy with his wife you know what i'm saying who loves a fucking good brisket and johnson brat you know what i'm saying and cares about his kids a ton where's that group my group doesn't exist my group i love when they want to put me in my group and go hey man uh you have a problem problem with your drinking and i go i'm doing pretty good that is a good point dude anybody that says you have a problem you're doing pretty good it's always guys in the system or whatever it's called and they're like hey man you know you have a drinking problem i go okay i had a guy tell me i won't say his name but i'll tell you after he goes just because you think you have to make a ton of money and you're on an arena tour and you have three successful podcasts and you're happily married and your kids are good, you think that that doesn't mean you have a problem? I went, no, I think that's exactly what that means.
I think that means that, like, I got fucking feelers around me and if something goes sideways, they tell me. But, like, right now we're doing pretty solid.
So, like, I go, I said it on a podcast a long time ago and I got a lot of heat from people in the system. And they were like, I said said sometimes I think the problem is the person.
And it's not the booze or the alcohol. It's going to show its head up in another place.
You get rid of the booze and it shows itself up in gambling or jerking off or sex addiction. It's like you got to take care of the problem.
And if you don't have the problem, like if you don't have the problem, then maybe you should look at that. Like, go, like, my wife was a big drinker in college and quit drinking thinking she was an alcoholic.
And then realized, oh, no, my parents were split up. I had a shitty childhood.
I need to get in therapy and fix all the things that when I drink, bring those to the top. She did it.
My wife never drinks. She will drink every now and then.
Doesn't even give a fuck. And I was like, oh, wow, I want to be like that.

I want to be like that where you go like, yeah, I can have a drink.

Sure.

Like last night, had a couple drinks.

And then I was like, oh, I don't want to be too bloated when I see Theo tomorrow.

So I was like, I'm going to go to sleep, watch the documentary on.

Hey, do you think in Japanese Netflix, how do you think they title the World War II movies?

Do you think they're like World War II movies? Do you think they're like, World War II, we were also in it?

Because I was watching.

They get left out of all of it.

It's like World War II, Road to Victory is the one we get.

What do you think?

Because they have Japanese Netflix.

Almost good.

Almost good.

So close.

Yeah.

World War II.

I watched Inglourious Bastards with a German Yeah. World War II.
I watched I watched

Inglorious Bastards

with a German guy. Oh yeah.

That's

uncomfortable. Oh with a German.

Yeah it's like watching Django Unchained with a bunch of black

guys. Yeah yeah that's not really a

post game movie.

He's like oh those are really bad guys man.

Yeah. Damn them guys was bad

homie. None of them look like my grandfather.

I know, huh?

Damn, bro.

Shit got real.

What else do we want to talk about?

Okay.

Is there anything else?

You got your special coming out, bird.

Special comes out March 18th.

March 18th.

Yes.

And I think it's my best one.

Lucky.

Because I'm the luckiest man alive.

You know, yeah, it might be right about you.

Buddy, I am.

Think about it. If I pitched me to you.
I wouldn't believe it. Right? 25 years old in college.
Been in college seven years, roughly. Yeah.
Rolling Stone. No degree.
No chances of graduating. No hopes of graduating.
No real direction in life. Rolling Stone magazine discovers me and calls me the number one party in the country.
And a Buccaneers fan at that time. And a Bucs fan.
Back when the Bucs and the Saints sucked. Got a test of Erty jersey.
Dude. Back when you were just waiting for the 49ers to come in town and beat your ass.
From Florida. From Florida.
Before anyone knew what a Florida man was. Those were all my uncles and my fucking brothers.
All my people in my life off around Florida, man. Rolling Stone Discover Magazine discovered me called the number one party in the country.
Oliver Stone options are the rights of my life. I moved to New York.
Within six months, I get a development deal from Will Smith. That's weird now, but I moved to LA.
I get my first TV show on the X show. I then get another development deal at CBS.
I meet the love of my life. I keep working in TV.
I get fired. I get on travel.
I mean, all the things that have happened to me are so goddamn lucky that I look at it and I go, I don't deserve to be where I am. I have the greatest group of friends, meaning like my friends and you included are the funniest, most thoughtful people in the world, the funniest people in the world, but yet people who will take time out of their schedule to go see my wife's live podcast when they don't need to.
Like, that's my friends, right? Tommy, you, Joe, Ari. Some of them drug me, but like Joey Diaz, you know, it happens.
But like you look at your group of friends and your – and there's more than that. I got two great kids who are really fucking well-rounded for a dad who's leveraged their childhood to make money.
Yeah. Yeah.
And they're, but they're still well-rounded and they're happy and we love each other and, and I'm healthy and I'm the strongest I've ever been. And, uh, and I get to do what I love.
And for work today to promote my special, I get to sit with you and just chat about, I mean, that's like, I'm the luckiest also think i really believe this you have to identify your luck i think i mentioned this in the special you just have to start looking at things as half full and don't like even the bad things go that needed to happen to me that had to happen to me to get me to the place where i could see the luck come from it you know i mean it's like look at all the shit you've been through. And then I go, thank God? Like, I think, I was thinking of it today.
I was like, I hate that Theo had to go through, you know, drugs and alcohol. Because that's so not him.
And that's never been who I know you knew you to be. I never even knew you to party, to be dead honest with you.
Yeah. I never saw it.
Yeah. And I go, but you know, I'm so glad he did

because he's so fucking grounded now.

Like he seems like in such a better place

and he's got all these great stories

about the time he got high on coke

and locked himself out of his apartment

while he was making a smoothie.

Like those fucking wild stories

where you're doing coke with Daryl Strawberry

and fucking the Bronx.

I mean, you have all these crazy adventures now,

but you're so like,

like I go,

you just gotta look at it and go, that sucked then, but that's, that's then. This is now we're, now we're lucky.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, you got to be here to tell them. Dude.
I mean, I, I, I'm lucky. I went to.
Yeah, for sure. Lucky.
I'm lucky as fuck. And I think if I can put luck out there, like I'd say I bought like a hundred dollars worth of pennies.
It's a lot of pennies. More than you'd think.
It's wild. And I just started throwing them around LA, just flipping them on the ground.
Because every time you see a penny, you're like, oh, shit, good luck. I was like, oh, why not just gift that to people? Like just a little.
And then if I have a project like that, I start getting really into it. And I'm like fucking.
I'm walking through parking lots, dropping them in front of everyone's car so everyone gets good luck when they get in their car fucking copper Johnny Appleseed copper Johnny Appleseed that's him spread in luck March 18th on Netflix the special is dropping you got the 5k in Tampa you have your double down show that's in Las Vegas yes oh that weekend I'm in Vegas March 21st and 22nd over at the at the Resorts World Theater. Two shows.
Wow. Yeah.
I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, man.
Thanks, man. Like, we've been friends for a long time, but it's so good to see.
It's so, man, you know, my girls and Leanne root for a couple comics. And you're in that short list.
And so when good shit happens to you, same with Nicky, when Nicky did the Golden Globes, they were in a text thread. She crushed it.
But you're in that short list. You, Shane, Nicky, Tony Hinchcliffe.
People in my family knows. Yeah.
And man, it's cool when you get a text from your kids. You're like, Dad, did you see the fucking, what was the Theo? I forget what it was.
They're like, have you seen the best of Theo? And I was like, no. And then George sent it to me.
She's like, dad, she's on a plane. She's like, dad, this fucking, he is fucking hysterical.
I was like, dude, fuck yeah. I remember watching George and watched Shane Gillis for the first time and was like, are we allowed to laugh at this? And I love that.
I love that. I that i'm the luckiest motherfucker out there well we're lucky to be in your presence man i feel that and uh thanks for always being supportive and thanks for some of the nice things that you said today dude and yeah yeah i feel lucky i was driving over here today i was like man my job today i get to talk to a friend of mine fuck fuck that's that's a blessing it's a blessing.
Bert Kreischer, man. Stay healthy and enjoy your year off of comedy, huh? I think I'm going to go back on tour maybe October.
We'll see. We'll see.
He'll be back on tour in a month probably, but that's okay. He keeps working hard.
Love you, bro. Love you, bro bro now I'm just floating on the breeze

and I feel

I'm falling

like these leaves

I must be

cornerstone

oh

but when I reach

that ground

I'll share this

peace of mind

I found

I can feel it

in my bones

but it's gonna take

a little