E544 Matt McCusker

Calling all Call of Duty fans, the iconic map, Verdansk, returns to Call of Duty Warzone.

Starting April 3rd, you'll be able to drop back into Verdansk, experience all the chaos, and relive the thrill you've been missing. not only will you get the classic battle royale experience we all know and love

but verdansk is back with gameplay updates and the return of Verdansk-era weaponry. That's right, you'll experience Verdansk like never before.
Smoother movement, stunning visuals, and new mechanics. Whether you're dropping in solo or teaming up with your squad, it's time to come home

to Verdansk. So download Call of Duty Warzone for free and drop into Verdansk on April 3rd.
Rated M for Mature. We've got some spring tour dates that I got warm for you here right off the griddle um all these tickets you can get through Theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
This is still the Return of the Rat Tour. And we will be coming to Toledo, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Eugene, Oregon, Kennewick, Washington, Seattle, Victoria, B.C.
in the Canada, Belton, Texas, San Antonio, Durant, Oklahoma, Amarillo, Texas, Amarillo, Oxford, Mississippi, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, Tallahassee, Florida, and Rosemont, Illinois. You can get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R.
And happy early holidays to everyone. Remember, don't buy through a secondary website.
Go through our website so you're not getting those heightened ticket prices. And thank you so much for your support.
And we do have new merch items back by popular demand, the Hitter Hunting Club Collection. We've also got the Hitter Bait and Tackle Tees.
Those are new, baby. If you like to rod and reel them, baby, get all these in more, theovonstore.com, the only place to get our merch.
We are coming to you live today from Austin, Texas at Media Pouch, where we're taping. And we are grateful today to get to spend time with this fella.
He is performing in New York City this week. You can get those tickets.
And he is one half of the Superhero Squad, Matt and Shane's secret podcast.

He just reached five years of marriage.

And I'm happy to get to spend time today with Mr. Matt McCusper.

Shine on me.

And I will find a song.

I've been singing.

I'm on. I went to a steam room today.
Did you really? Yeah. Just steam.
It wasn't anything else? Yeah. Have you been in there? I've been in that.
Is it like just a steam room or like attached to a gym? Oh, no. It's attached to the gym.
It's like in the bathroom or whatever. 001 001 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
001 001 Yeah, yeah. 001 001 Yeah, yeah.
001 001 Yeah, yeah. 001 001 Yeah, yeah.
001 001 It's intense. 001 001 It's intense.
001 001 It's intense. 001 I thought you said you went to a specific place called the steam room.
001 001 Like it was a new thing that's just as you walk in, it's just. 001 001 Oh, no.
001 001 001 Steamy as hell. 001 001 I wonder if there would ever, 001 001 I wonder if that'd be a good business if you had like a, 001 001 another business that also at the same time was a steam room.
001 what I'm saying. Yeah.
Get your hair cut and just sweat.

Yeah.

Or like a Radio Shack, you know?

Oh, that'd be nice.

And they're like trying to look at batteries.

They could have stayed in business.

Oh.

If they just cranked up the steam.

Well, Radio Shack, it was almost like where you almost just go there to ask the guy a question

and then you would leave.

It became that place after a while.

It did.

Once the internet came out, you'd be like, yo, what kind of battery are you for this? And be like right on yeah amazon and be like right nice yeah you'd even buy it in front of them yeah that's what best buy kind of is too yeah and they don't know shit at best buy like what kind of camera do they're like oh i like they last couple times went to best buy to ask about like cords and shit they're just like i don't really know man i'm like all right dude what the fuck what's the point of this place yeah it's kind of bullshit yeah they don't know and then they'll walk over to another guy that's the craziest thing like let me ask my uh and they'll be like a co-worker or whatever and then they'll go over there and then the people will just start laughing or the guy will slip a guy and then they'll just walk out of the place you're like it is so it's sad man last time i went to best buy it was just two dudes one guy was struggling at a cash register he didn't even have like the uniform on and then two other guys were just talking and it was like 10 minutes of people just watching this guy struggle and i was like yo you guys can you guys come help and they're like yeah man i guess he's walked over i'm like all right well yeah it's crazy yeah customer service dipped during covid it's over now that's a great point huh yeah well we told them they were heroes yeah it's true they yeah they call them all frontline workers and stuff yeah yeah and a lot of them were um a lot of them were not heroes i don't i mean some of them were i guess i guess actually, actually, DoorDash was the heroes, for sure.

Nurses, remember, they were crying and everything.

They were scared.

Well, yeah, that actually did suck to be a nurse,

because they were in grounds.

Nobody knew really what it was.

Right.

So being around it all the time would suck.

You had to hold your breath the whole time.

I would have tried to breathe as least as possible.

Yeah.

Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, you're just talking to somebody really fast like that.
You're like, I got to get I got to put his talking. I got to get out of the room.
Yeah. Yeah.
That'd be nuts, man. Yeah, dude.
I wonder if it'd be a good steam, like if you could double, you know, because I like double style businesses like that. For sure.
You know, like a shoe store, but also what?

The shoe store, barbershop.

I keep using barbershop.

That would make sense.

Yeah.

Wow.

They come bring you a new pair of shoes and you're like, dude, I might as well walk out of here with a fresh haircut and fresh shoes.

Yeah.

Double businesses are a good idea.

I didn't think about that.

It's time for it.

It is.

It's time.

Dog grooming and maybe sporting goods or whatever. There you go.
Or jujitsu. Oh, yeah.
You just tussle a little bit while your dog's getting. Do you do jujitsu? I don't do it anymore, man.
You did it for a while? Yeah. I'll go back and do it once I'm done touring.
I just kept getting hurt. That's the problem with it.
It's like I did it for a while and it's just like, yeah, your back gets fucked up and you're like, then at the end of it too, it's like, I could just get a gun.

Yeah.

Like, you know, it's like, you could just defend yourself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You could.

I mean, that's the new jujitsu, a gun, I guess.

Yeah.

But it's like, I wonder, you know, sometimes I wonder like if, if I guess if I had a superpower, maybe it would be, I'd want to do jujitsu.

I'd want to know every jujitsu. Be nasty at i mean just fucking gift wrap a dude true it's a lot better too if you're like a restaurant to like choke a guy out in front of everyone and just like shoot him in the face yeah no one's gonna be like dude nice that was awesome yeah and it's messy you gotta clean up get a weight around yeah just spray somebody's brains everywhere people are gonna be like dude that was kind of aggressive that was kind of aggro people like god god carl oh yeah bro that'd be a good superpower i think to just know everything it was just it was in you yeah what would you have you think if you had a superpower you think fly really yeah i'd fly it'd be awesome would it though think of how dude have you even stuck your head out of a window when you're going super fast yeah i'd be chill about it dude imagine if i floated into this room and sat in the chair dude those things are tough dude i was struggling earlier you gotta use your shirt you gotta i'm so happy i didn't do that okay you gotta use your shirt i i was in there dude struggling hold on dude stop bro that water's not for weaklings dude

this thing's broken huh it's crazy i had to put it on my shirt and just fucking wrench it god that would be my superpower i think we'll be able to get in to get in here no i think my superpower hold on a second i do need to take a second you got that hold on that's a dangerous angle that's Dangerous angle to open water, dude.

Ooh.

Dude, that angle might have helped, bro.

A lot of, when you lock your hips in, dude. Very arm bar.
True. Jiu-jitsu.
But yeah, my superpower. I think mine would be if you went into the bathroom, not being able to know if somebody had pooped in there recently.
That would be nice. It was like when you take a dump, it doesn't smell.
If you had that for everybody. But it's like the second you walk into a bathroom, you can tell if somebody's dumped recently, if somebody with perfume did dump.
Oh, you want to know if they dumped or not? No, I don't want to not know. I don't want to know anything.
So that'd be my superpower to not have, not have, because you can't trick your mind to not know, you know? True. But if the seat's warm, you're going to be like, that's the worst.
And you sit down at an airport bathroom and the seat's 98.6 degrees. And you're like, fuck, dude.
Dude. Yeah.
Fuck, man. Bro, and some people do dumps right onto.
They won't even flush the toilet at an airport or whatever. I know.
They'll do dumps right onto pee. Oh, yeah.
I actually, I've come around. I shit on planes now.
Uh-uh. No, you have to, because otherwise you're going to fart like a coward and stink the whole plane up.
So now I do the valiant thing. I walk by everyone.
I sit down there for like 15 minutes and they all know what I did. Do you take a newspaper with me? I will take my book.
If I'm reading a book, I'll take a book with me and I'll just, I'm trying to get this. They got to really just get rid of the stigma because it's like dude otherwise you're just gonna fart silently and just ruin the whole flight yeah which i also do sometimes but it's like i now i'm like no this is this is juvenile i gotta go like a man and shit on this plane i'll be back a little bit right next from the stewardess yeah i'll be back do you tell yeah that's crazy if you tell the person next to you like i'll be back in back in a little bit.
Hold my calls if you say that.

Like, yo, man, I've been farting my ass off.

I'm going to go take a shit now just so, you know,

I don't want to cause you any more grief.

But yeah, dude, everyone thinks I'm crazy

for shitting on planes,

but it's like, it's the righteous move.

Yeah, I never thought it.

Like, I don't know.

It's kind of liberating.

It's liberating once you're like,

I don't need to hold this.

I got to get, this is totally normal.

Yeah.

Natural.

Like, everyone has to take a shit right now.

What's crazy to me is talking to somebody and trying to guess if they have like poop in their body at that moment or not it makes me so feel uncomfortable it's like just tell me yeah true you know if somebody has are you can you like i know some people who can't hold it in at all i can hold it in i can hold it in for like a disturbingly long period of time but now i'm like why would i do that well some people poop every day that's i do to me you don't poop every day no way you do multiple i definitely want multiple sometimes twice yeah definitely once like gosh you don't poop every day huh do you sleep outdoors on a farm you poop multiple times sometimes when your owner gets home that's crazy definitely once Sometimes twice. Rob Markman- Oh my god.
Rob Markman- How much do normal people have- Rob Markman- It's one. Rob Mark home.
That's crazy. Definitely once, sometimes twice.
Oh my God. How much do you normal people have? It's three times a day, three times a week.
That's what I do three times a week. Okay.
It's three times a day, two, three times a week. Wait, so how? So we're both in, I guess, the range.
I didn't know people were doing it multiple. That's crazy.
Fucking, what are you doing? You're wasting? How much of your life? How long does it take to even do a poop on average? It depends if I'm really, if I'm like on my phone, I can, you know, I could sit there literally forever. But 12, I mean, come on, man, 12 seconds.
On average, a bowel movement takes about 12 seconds? That's, I'm going to, I'm going to show my wife that next time she's on the seat and be like, bro, you got 12 seconds. Get the fuck back in there with these kids, dude.
No shit breaks. breaks oh my god so it's more of a rodeo than it is really like a relaxing thing i guess i who made it who made poops relaxing somebody hit him with the max maximum 10 to 15 minutes 12 seconds is crazy dude 12 seconds is.
Who could even do 12 seconds?

Oh, that guy that, who's that bull rider?

Damn, look, they say it's relaxing because it stimulates the vagal nerve.

If you ride a bull, you could probably poop very fast.

There you go.

JB Mawney right there.

JB Money, how do they say it?

Money.

Mooney?

I don't know.

What's his deal?

He's like the number one bull rider? Yeah, he passed away, though. Did he really? No, he's not.
Yeah. What did he die from? I'm not sure.
Yo, what's, is he, is he? Oh, never mind. He's on Instagram.
He's good. Okay, he's not dead? Yeah, my bad.
He was sitting on another cowboy's lap. I don't care at all.
He's a bull rider. He'll do whatever he wants, but.
Look, after you've ridden a bull, I think being gay is easy that is true yeah after you've ridden that bull being gay has got to be like that's child for children you know a piece of cake that is true being gay after a bull ride gay sex just staying on the back of a dude oh you couldn't get that guy off you'd be trying to buck him off you he'd be no problem. God be spinning around on you.
Like, did you get off? Yeah. You beating funnel cakes.
He's guessing your weight while you're fucking. That's crazy, though.
So you were. Yeah, I usually I will usually.
Poop two, three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I was about to say your Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
Yeah, I'm every day, bro. I'm every day.
Weekend stuff? If I miss, for sure. That's when I really chill.
But if it's like, yeah. It's your weekend.
You're shit. Definitely, dude.
Oh, my God, bro. I look forward.
It's such a, like, a relax. The one thing I will say, have you ever shit while you're really stoned? That's i've done that before like i've taken like a strong weed edible and like you have to take a dump in the middle of it and it's just like it's the worst i think it's the worst part of it oh that seems crazy it's very wretched yeah you get like very much like kind of like you know you feel like an animal and you're like what am i doing yeah it's taking a gross shit and you're high it's not good that good.
Rob Markman That makes me sad. Scott Cardani Yeah, it is.
It literally just makes the movie i watched the movie and just held him oh that's cool weed is not good for dogs mushrooms i would argue yeah he was chilling and it would be great to see if dogs started using shrooms or whatever just to see how they kind of started to put new things together that would be pretty fascinating dude i i will say he was kind of more well-behaved i could just be me but he like never listened and he inadvertent it was like an accident i had like i made like put something in like a little teabag and i threw it in the trash and he just ate the teabag yeah i was like shit oh and he i just let him outside and he just zoomed around and went back in i was like all right that's pretty cool how how do dogs do on mushrooms can we bring that up actually i can't believe this isn't a huge study or something we did they get into edibles all the time that is like for real problem yeah there's always that stone kid in your high school use that laser and he's like yeah yeah yeah it's really once you're like yeah it's okay that's toxic funny doggy psychoactive shrooms there you go oh this guy looks like he's struggling this guy looks like he's not having a good time whoa bro he might have done a heroic dose this little mixed fella's wow bro dude that's like your marriage dude that's awesome shortly after this i rushed him to the vet oh my god what was coming with roxy had found wild shrooms growing this guy's such a liar no they didn't yeah how the did the vet realize that there he goes wow bro oh no super attentive see my dog was my dog might have microdosed though so maybe it was just more kind of chilling this person filming that's so wicked she didn't seem afraid she seem afraid to fact the opposite. She seemed to be enjoying the experience.
All right. I mean, maybe so.
But this kind of shows you if humans start, like some people say that there's the stoned ape theory or whatever, you know, that if that humans ate, that apes ate mushrooms and that's how we eventually evolved, you could start to see it with this dog like, yeah. This dog is on to something yeah yeah dude i i think there is something to that though the stoned ape theory i don't think it's that crazy because our brain size like i don't know if it like doubled it like grew very quickly out of nowhere did it really yeah back in like the day our brains were like small and out of nowhere they were just and they fattened in it they don't know Really? No idea.
I guess they looked at like skull sizes and they're like... Let's see it.
Yes, something happened where our brains just went nuts. According to current understanding, the human brain roughly doubled in size over a period of around 2 million years.
There we go. With the most rapid expansion happening between 800,000 and 200,000 years ago, marking a significant brain boom.
My thing, dogs around forever are their great are their brains growing too or like it's a great question have dogs brains evolved human brains have tripled in size since the beginning of the human family tree which dates back around seven million years ago wow so our brains are getting bigger see this for me ties straight into like believing if you look at an alien right usual picture of an alien it's this body that has no definition yep huge head exactly it's like that's all eventually that's what we'll turn into we are it's like this you don't need to use any muscle everything's there just machine comes into your body through a tube leaves out you don't have to poop three times a week and or day and on weekends that's're probably pretty regular, though. Aliens? No, definitely not.
You know sloths shit like once a month? No way. They come down from the tree and they just shit every 30 days like an enormous pile of shit.
Must take an hour. Bring it up.
Takes a while. It's pretty funny.
They come down real slow once a week. My bad.
My bad. Sl's use poop once a week.
Now that makes sense. Daily.
Women sloths daily when they're in heat. I must be in heat then.
That's probably why I'm dumping all the time. I'm so damn horny.
Because I wonder if there's like, yeah, I wonder if your body wants to have poop in it or doesn't. Probably doesn't.
Doesn't. Yeah not i would say it doesn't it's i mean it's you feel so much better when you don't have it in you how does it feel so the fact that you do that every couple days is that kind of like beating off where it feels great like if you hold it in for three days well it definitely feels more of like an organized crime you know really yeah it's like more it's just not you're not just fucking showing up his shit it's not like it's a like just spraying bullets in the air you know really yeah it's like more it's just not you're not just fucking showing up it's not like just a like just spraying bullets in there you know it feels like you just got that fucking john wilkes poop you know you fucking rolled up with one fucking purpose so it's just like you'll bam very organized very japanese almost really yeah you feel it coming you're like i knew this moment yes it's fucking yeah it's like you paid extra for the wrapping it's like it's just very feels like how it's supposed to happen not somebody the second they get a bullet in the gun they just not like as soon as you wake up every day yeah they just spray it at the neighbors i will say waking up in the middle of the night and having to shit is upsetting oh because then you're in total darkness and then you have to like turn on the light yeah that's terrible and wouldn't make because all you have to do is go back to sleep you do not have to yeah nothing in the world is saying hey poop now save yourself some time or whatever like you can just you're saying it's like a life hack to shit the middle of the night that's what some people think dude it's like they think it's a life hack i'm like what it is not a life hack well i've tried to ignore it but it's like you know you can ignore you can like wake up and you're like i kind of gotta pee but you're like i'm good then you wake up and like your side fucking hurts and you're like oh shit but if you try to hold in and dump and go to sleep it's like you just got to get out of bed well but the crazy thing is sometimes you'll get up so then you'll see you sit down right you sit down and then the problem is you start to doze off right that's the worst that's how elvis died yeah yeah he just dozed off all shitting he died well doze and off and dying or overdose yeah he overdosed it's dangerous when you shit while you're sleepy man elvis so tired he ain't coming back yeah it is uh just sucks.
You like, especially when you turn the lights on from pitch blackness, you just like, you see like the veins in your thighs and shit. And you're just- Very sad.
Yeah, it's disgusting. It's very sad.
And then here's the worst thing that can happen to you. You know, there's a video of a guy, like his house caught on fire or something.
He was on the, he was on the toilet. And then his, but his leg, but his legs had fallen asleep.
And so then he tries to run out and he can't no yeah just you serious that that happens a lot if you're sitting there for a long time your legs will fall asleep yeah that that is a problem yeah i've really i got a nasty hemorrhoid one time i'm sorry the subject yeah this is we never yeah we we don't talk about this kind of stuff much so i think it's okay we should talk about it more because people should be people should be okay talking about it. It's not crazy.
Yeah, it happens all the time. This is actually important.
I thought you could just sit on the toilet forever and just scroll your phone and hide from your family, but I got a hemorrhoid. And dude, I looked it up and if you sit there for too long, because I like to read and stuff on the toilet.
Now, that's why I'm all business. I'm in and out.
It's like, dude, those things suck. Okay.
And they come from sitting there too long. Well, yeah, your body, it's crazy because your body literally wants to get out of your ass which is like it's it's like you would think your body's happy like the insides of you but they're like nah no dude it's non-stop come they're just peeking around the corner yeah your body never gets a break you sleep thank god but your cells are still moving a brain you know it never gets a fucking true a fucking true rest.
That's true, man. It's kind of bullshit.
Yeah, man. I couldn't believe, yeah, I guess I just, I guess I just, I can't believe how much some people do.
Because to me, pooping feels like you have to earn it. Yeah.
You know, if you just, if somebody just, you know, yeah, I'll go shit or whatever. I got some time to kill it's crazy to me dude that is true you gotta wait till are you you know no you're absolutely right franz ferdinand or whatever you like the prince of royals or whatever like what are you even i used to be able to pee i think i can still do it i can pee at any time i can make myself pee at any point any point i can get pee out it's weird so somebody runs up gun to the head pee now dude i literally i so when i was little i was like down the beach with like my cousins and stuff and we were like out of bed we were like real little we're around we're supposed to be in bed we were just running around and my uncle came down he's like i told you guys go to bed and i was like oh i gotta pee and i didn't have to pee he's like prove it and he made me and my cousin fucking pee and i fucking was just like we'll see and i just peed and ever since i just known how to do it my it was like my you know it's your superpower i was about it is my superpower i can pee at any time that's awesome and my it was like dude my uncle was like it was like a fucking like a probation officer was like go ahead and pay.
And I had to put my back to him. And I was like, come on, come on, come on.
I was pumped. Dude, I would always get nervous in the locker room or whatever that my penis wasn't good or whatever.
Yeah. And because my brother also was an asshole.
He took a marker and write like, not good next to my penis. And I was like, what an asshole.
And so I was always like super paranoid, you know? But I like try to like shake it against my leg to get it fired up or i turn around in the locker room or whatever you know yeah no let's do that's that's a real thing though if you're at a rest stop i don't know why but when you're peeing you can kind of like peripherally see other dicks like like just out like the very corners of your eye and they always look just enormous every single time i don't know if you've ever encountered that yeah i don't have i don't i don't get that i got a crazy peripheral really and i'm just tormented dude i'm peeing i'm like oh my god there's hogs everywhere huh it's just wild razorback fans it's just wild hogs bill clinton just fucking i just always pull my balls up too at a urinal just so if anyone like, yo, shit. Well, it should be where if you squeeze your balls, that stuff goes into your wiener and makes it bigger.
That's what God should have done. That would be good design.
Absolutely. Or make your balls square.
Like I always wanted to stack my balls. I always wish that they were squared or whatever.
I agree. When you mean business, you're like, all right, motherfucker.
Stacking them up would be nice. Yeah nice Yeah Just roll them Daddy's stacking In his sack right now So he's about to get An axe whooping And then I'm going to go Shit this weekend Stack nuts would be That would be nice Stacking your nuts To take a shit Over uncle's like Pee right now You're like Or check this out He's like Damn you stacked your nuts You can go and drink A beer with me dude wow you know um i've been dealing with it a lot i'll say it it's dehydration you know my arms are just whether i've been flying or um you go to work out and then you're on the go and next thing you know you're you're feeling chapped or you're just feeling like your body's just made out of just dang this baby paper.
And it's tough to deal with. That's dehydration.
And what I use to help me is liquid IV. It's simple.
You just crack open a packet of liquid IV, pour it right into a bottle of water, put the cap back on, shake it up, baby. And dang, daddy's quenched.
That's how I do it. One stick plus 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone.
And you can feel it when you're drinking it. It feels thick.
It feels just luscious. It feels good when it's going in you.
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That means throughout the holidays, you can try it out. That's ShipStation, S-H-I-P-S-T-A-T-i-o-n.com code theo um happy anniversary dude thank you man you just had a five-year anniversary yeah yeah thank you did you guys do something special for it or how does that kind of work do you feel like you have to uh no i i don't but you know um i i'm not really like the i'm not big on milestones and stuff you know obviously we like we did something I don't know what we did I think we went to dinner But no we didn't really do anything that crazy 10 maybe we'll do something cool But especially with little kids It's like you can't really do We can't go on like a trip I mean we could but it's like It's just a pain in the ass You're gone for a few days You're freaking out So yeah we just chilled man You know we're just Five years trying to do five more you know yeah that's all it is does it feel did it feel kind of exciting you give a moment for yourself you were like wow it's pretty cool or well to be fair i originally i thought we had been together for 10 years total so i originally was like together 10 years married for five and she's like dude we've been together for nine years i was like right on right on yeah so i was kind of stoked i was like damn it's like the longest relationship i've ever been in yeah i was like that's kind of sick when you tell me that yeah it's cool yeah five years of marriage is very um that's a big deal now oh yeah there's the five they they claim that the the true power struggle lasts for five the first five years are a giant power struggle where you both try to like you know who's who gets to say this who gets like there's a million little things you have to like hammer out agreements on like how full like it's it might be in silly but it's like how full should the trash get should you put this stuff away you know there's just a bunch of stuff i can only imagine that and you have a power struggle who gets to say what and you know so it's like i think it's i think it's kind of real because it has subsided a lot in terms of like just bickering over stupid shit do you look forward to seeing your wife when you get home and stuff i do i look forward to i look forward to seeing her the kids especially if they go away yeah dude there's there's a post that's we were that's you yeah bro that's what i was i was a bad boy back then oh my god that's what that was us now there you go look at that dude that's cool but yeah the kids the kids are the big ones man they run and give you a big hug but it's like it's just nice to have the central unit every day to go back to.
Is there ever moments where the kids favor one or the other and that hurts your feelings? All the time. Oh, bro.
All the time. Dude, all the time.
That would break my heart. When they're really little, they don't want anything to do with the dad for the most part, which is like, all right, I can deal with that.
And now they're rolling with me. But they'll go back and forth between who they want to put them to bed.
Honestly, though, when they're like, we want mommy to put us to bed, I'm like, whatever. But they would do that.
They're all about me for a while, and I could see it would hurt my wife's feelings a lot. Yeah.
But then they always switch back. Eventually, they'll be like, fuck you.
We want mom. And it's like, if one of us are away, they want the other one.
Yeah. It's like the portal in the football or whatever.
The what? They're like, I'm hitting the portal. I'm going to mom.
Yeah. Yeah.
For real. But she's got NIL Lunchables over here.
As long as you're together, I think it's, you know, it's cool. But like the separating man, that's such a nightmare to navigate.
It seems like, cause then it's like, you have two different houses, you know, and I, I know myself, I'd make my house more fun than hers. So you can start doing that shit.
And it's just like, I'm getting big speakers and shit. It'd be so nasty, dude.
But it's also like, yeah, it's just hard. Like, yeah, I think, what is it, like 40? I think divorce is actually going down, but it's still like 45% of marriages get divorced.
That's crazy. What is it? Yeah, I want, do you have a key you feel like? Oh, let me see.
In the United States, the percentage of marriages that end in divorce varies by the number of times a couple has been married. Interesting.
This is my second too, so I'm not, the odds are not in my favor. Wow.
So first marriage is 41% of first marriages end in divorce. Second marriage is 60%.
Third marriage is 73%. Yeah.
Fourth marriage is just a man. Yeah.
Fourth marriage of the time yeah the uh yeah man it's you know what were you asking if there's any is there any like secrets do you have a secret like do you have something that you feel like you've kind of honestly learned or like you've been like this this helps or this is something that i had to adjust about myself or anything like that yeah i uh for me it's like

you like you've been like this this helps or this is something that i had to adjust about myself or anything like that yeah i for me it's like i can only speak for myself but it's like and i think you could say to other people but it's like you as a person you have massive blind spots as like the stuff you do that's like not great and it it takes a lot when you get input on those things yeah it's so easy to be like fuck you shut up you don't know what you're talking about but over time it can almost like give you insight into aspects of yourself that you're like yeah i could probably change this a little bit or even in like the heat of arguments i'll hear something she'll say and in my head i'll before i even have time i'll be like fuck that that's bullshit then there'll be a part of my brain we're like fuck that that's kind of valid, but I'll be like, fuck this, I'm not losing this argument. So you start to like get better at like being like, you're right, that was fucked up with me.
And then also like, you have to be like, but this is something, you know, so it's just like learning how to communicate. And in order to communicate, you got to take in a lot of like, kind of bad stuff about yourself without like completely just getting floored to level 10, which you don't even realize is happening.
Right. That makes sense.
Well, I guess you have somebody that you, I guess you were like, okay, I trust my spouse. I care about them.
So I'm going to listen to some of their feedback. Yeah.
And like, it's one of those, especially if you're, if you're like simultaneously bothering each other, you're programmed to be like, the thing you're doing is worse than the thing you think I'm doing. And you have to like take perspective and be like, all right, that right that's valid and it just like it literally feels like you're moving like an 800 pound stone to just be like all right maybe that is something annoying i do maybe that is a personal weakness of my it's just fucking hard but you learn how to do i think it helps in the long run yeah but you know it's just like dude there's just so many facets to it because then you have kids and it's like well who gets to dictate like the philosophy of the house and the flow of thing it's just a fucking lot dude it's just yeah do you have to have conversations like about that kind of stuff all the time you have to talk about that kind of stuff all the time and it's like like how do we how should we parent yeah wow that's cool though but then you can't do it in front of the kids but then you're as it's going on right every cell in your body is like say it now and you have to hold sit there and wait and then like there's never a good time because then he's there it's night time it's like right before bed like something that actually bothered me today it's like that's not a good time you can't do it first thing in the morning and you can't do that thing where you're just in the room but being loud but being quiet you ever do that shit yeah i'll do i'm the king of that yeah i'll lay down and be like what's the matter nothing just wait for three days and make actually what was bothering me the other night even fucking just picking your skin off in the garage fucking drinking pbrs back there god dude yeah that's so wild being loud but being quiet is the craziest behavior oh it's insane if i see someone else do it i'm like what are you fucking crazy but i'll definitely be like and sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it i'll get into bed and just be like i'll hear like what's the matter i'm like why she's like you just sighed heavily and i'm like did i i didn't realize i did that so yeah it's uh it's good you know what i mean it's it's one of those things you don't know because it's like it's like you hear like whatchamacallit like it's not a slam on Matt Reif he had that special red flags and it's not like that taps into a big thing of like online dating all the stuff where it's like if anyone exhibits any sign of weakness that's a red flag abandon ship immediately but everybody has them and eventually you got and again I'm not slamming the Reif man for that was just he's tapping into like no that's just popular consciousness of the young online daters totally but it's like this like red flag philosophy is like everybody has red flags exactly what are you gonna do now you're just everybody's like fuck everybody yeah not everybody's fucking dope as hell dude everyone's got fucking major issues going on you think everybody spuds mackenzie or whatever yeah dude it's like out of your mind so that's that's the thing where it's like you have to like you know and i i think couples counseling is a great thing a lot of people like it's a fucking waste of time if you got to do that it's already over and it's like i think it's great oh because then it enters a it's the best thing when you're arguing it's like i'm the boss i'm the boss and you just clash you give the authority to another figure and then it's like when you do couples counseling if your wife's right it gets to like kind of instead of like hitting you like a laser beam it goes to that person they kind of can relate it's like the i don't know how to explain it but it's like every now and again another person with you know with like degrees and shit would be like actually your husband's right about this and you're just like it's like he's a starling kind of it kind of is is yeah you get to it just i think it's great for people yeah and it's like it just helps because it's like you don't want to hear it from the other person you know what i mean like if like my wife's telling me something i'm like i don't want to hear this shit if she tells him and then he tells me i'm like that is actually a fantastic point yeah and i'm not trying to be a dick it just no bro it's got i mean people have to how do you bridge a topic say there's something you want to talk to your wife about how do you kind of do it dude so No, bro.
It's got, I mean, people have to, how do you bridge a topic? Say there's something you want to talk to your wife about. How do you kind of do it? Dude.
So I've learned before I would just boil quietly and then like explode. Now what I do, I'll wait.
Just like violent Irish, like the Irish hello. Exactly.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.
Another fucking thing. What I do now.
You're fucking freckles of flying across there's bouncing off each other yeah the uh well the problem is it's like all right here i have a piece of information if i relate to this person they're going to have a big emotional reaction that's going to get me all upset so i'll just keep it to myself and so eventually what i learned to do is be like i got to tell you something then this is actually going this could potentially get you get you upset. So like that way they're, they're not caught off guard.
They're like, that catches them. And they're like, all right, they have time to prepare themselves.
And then you hit them with the information rather than this being like, yeah, that really fucking bothered me the, like three days ago. And that, you know, they're just like, well, what the fuck is this? So I, you have to like, for me, it's like, I have to preface the fact that I'm about to bring up something that could be potentially upsetting.
That's kind of a good way to do it. Dude, it works so much.
It works so much better. Because then they're also not thinking that you also wanted to catch me off guard.
And that's two things you're doing. You're telling them something that's going to upset them.
And then you're also surprising them. Exactly.
And with this, you're like, I don't know. It shows you care to be like, hey, I don't want to upset you.
But I have no other choice than to relay this information to you so prepare yourself now here's the information a thousand percent of the time or it works like a thousand percent better every time because it sucks yeah you gotta share stuff constantly back and forth that's just like not great and that's why i think it is long term it's good to be in long-term relationships i i think but it's like everyone's different that different. That's the other thing.
Yeah. So could be fucking, you know, maybe some people might not be the thing.
So. Yes, it's tough to figure out.
I mean, I don't know anything. The question then is like, how much flack do you take? Like, how much stress do you take before you're supposed to call it quits? There's no real answer on that.
Right, like, yeah, where do they, yeah, how does that go? Yeah, I'm watching some friends and stuff go through divorces and it's really challenging. But then I'm also watching friends stay together who are trying to just battle it and figure it out because that's what they want the story of their life to be, you know? I think- That can be terrible too because that can get to the place where you just, I've been in houses where it's like the parents fucking hate each other.
They don't talk to each other. That could be even worse, honestly.
Yeah, dude, we had a dude on our our street when i was growing up he tried to burn his family down like three fucking times and his wife stayed with him every time i was like what are you guys doing like that's for real yeah like you are a dumb lady yeah he was and everybody knew you know everybody knew how much he didn't like her you know i would say i would say just try to cook the house i just fucking a dude but animals you know people people are animals you know raccoons will eat their young just so another so they'll go into heat so another raccoon will come and have sex with them again what that's crazy behavior they'll eat their babies to get piped down I'm not saying what city this is happening in

But

So they'll for real

That's eat their babies to get piped down yeah i'm not saying what city this is happening in but so they'll for real that's crazy because what just munching your baby puts you in heat yep male raccoons also known as boars can kill a baby raccoon a practice called infanticide this can happen for a number of reasons including sexual dominance oh they'll oh they'll kill okay so the mom will wait the mom won't eat it the dad raccoon will kill the baby so the mom can't come up with any bullshit excuses not to want to make love yeah i'm tired you think you're fucking just gobble the babies and we're fucking now wow i know you love this shit i'm turning this living room into a soup plantation right now.

That's bonkers.

They're like romantic novels. Must be crazy too.

Just a fucking cover of a jacked raccoon with a baby in his mouth.

That raccoon that plays dad and he put that broomstick over him to make it look like it hit him.

Find that video, bro.

Unbelievable. That's crazy.
I didn't find that video bro unbelievable that's crazy i didn't know that though um this is the craziest thing i've ever seen in my life they're so raccoons are rad dude i love raccoons they're very on uh yeah they're like fucking mafia squirrels dude they are serious about yeah they're bear family. He's crazy.
Yeah, keep looking forward and find it if you can for me. It's a video.
Yeah, that sounds awesome. What else has been happening, man? How's things been? I got this auto ring, so I've been tracking my biometric data.
That's been kind of fun. Nuh-uh.
Yeah, it does stress, does sleep. It's pretty cool.
What? Yeah, man. I've never even seen that.
Can you take it off or you can't? You can take it off, yeah. Check it out.
So it's just a ring, and it brings up the information. So it tracks your sleep.
It tracks your stress. Oh, here we go.
Dude. Yeah, this is great.
Look at this. What the fuck? This is a couple minutes long.
Maybe. Let's see.
What is that thing? Yo. That's a good guy, dude.
It's a flying squirrel. Dude.
That's nuts. Wow.
This is somebody you mean on Craigslist for sure. Dude, we got the guy from Craigslist coming on what craig do you really yeah next week what the hell pretty excited about that dude you know how many blowjobs that guy's responsible for yeah like for real millions that's crazy free there's got to be a ton of kids out there that happened because of him probably do yeah true i didn't think about that bro i met a woman once she we met at a bar right met her off of personal encounters whatever met her at a bar figured it uh i didn't you know i figured that if she wouldn't be who knows i figured she might be a man or whatever but hopefully she wasn't nice that was kind of my attitude And then I go there, bro, smoking hot, bro.
What?

I'm like, you gotta be kidding me this lady's gonna kill me or whatever drink my blood or whatever yeah so goes back to my place she covered anything in my place that had any light closed all covered the vcr thing like every in no light at all i do that by the way you do i don't like fucking lights when i'm sleeping i i would put like no it's for sex you did it oh she did for oh she didn't want the cam probably you think i'm just gonna invite somebody we're just to fucking sleep you gotta get to know her dude you think i'm gonna fucking bro meeting somebody and then letting them sleep at your house really is a crazy practice now dude it was casual encounters dude. That's true.
That's pretty cash. You're right.
You're right. You're right.
Why not try to make him more than it is? True. So she covered every source of light and then had sex with you? Yeah.
What did you think about that? I don't know. It was, I was willing to do it.
I knew that, but I didn't know much else after. I just knew it was very interesting.
I couldn't tell if she didn't want to see me, if she was scared. Yeah, maybe she was nervous that there was a camera.
Yeah. What's the, if you don't mind me asking, what's that Craigslist pussy like? I don't remember it that good, but it was pretty, it was fine, I guess.
It was, you know, it was, you know, norm, you know, pretty. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like normal, but a normal woman. I'm glad that worked out for you.
Every every time i've i've sold a lot of things on craigslist just like i've sold cars on craigslist i've bought like i think i bought like a gameboy advance for my sister on here for christmas do you ever meet anyone to like buy or sell anything no people are getting attacked a buddy of mine was buying some walkie-talkies uh or trying to sell some walkie-talkies and he got fucking jumped did he really? Yeah. Dude, everyone I've met from Craigslist, I just assume they die like 10 minutes after we meet.
They always seem like they're on their last leg. Every time I sell someone, I'm like, that guy's definitely dead.
As soon as I like, he would buy like a car. I'm like, well, that guy's gone.
That guy had a heart attack in the car. Dude, one time on Craigslist, we were like, we had a fireplace.
I remember the first time I'd ever had a fireplace. So I was like, we got to use this.
Me and my friend were sharing a living room, dude. It's my buddy's apartment.
So we had like put beds in the living room and we had a fireplace and they're like, let's make it nice. That's pretty cool.
Yeah. What's really exciting.
Did you ever tell people that it was your spot, but your boy was just crashing? Yeah. I'd say he's in from the army.
Me and my friend shared a bedroom in college. Same thing.
I'm like, yeah, I'm like my buddy crashing that top bunk, man. I feel bad for the guy.
That's what I would say. He's on the lead from the army.
And we even had a fake army bag that was just stuffed with sheets and we put it by the extra bed. That's awesome.
Make it look legit. That's awesome.
But we, so one day we're like, we need firewood, right? So that's what you have to have. So we look look on the thing free firewood right or something it's like 13 miles away we just moved to la took us an hour and 30 minutes to go get it it was out like diamond bar and we drive all the way out there and it's just like somebody had like literally taken like a big shiffer robe or something and just batted it together with a bat beating the shit up with an axe and so just chipped up fucking wood right so it's we have we put it into my buddy's fucking hatchback just fill this thing with wood bring it all the way back dude we burned all that wood in like 12 years like kindling yeah it took like an entire day and that sucks oh la was so hard in the beginning man we bought a refrigerator off craigslist yeah we get it home this was on my birthday and it wouldn't go in the fuck we were literally running against it and trying to push it in dude i remember leaning against it and just fucking crying dude i i had to move myself one time and i was trying to get a box spring up to the second floor of the bedroom and it same thing it wouldn't fit and it was i dropped it let it fall and just cried on the same it's so frustrating dude unless we forget dude just moving and not being able to fit something it's like i'm like where am i gonna get another box spring from yeah i just pissed off i'm carrying this thing by myself and it's just you just go yeah you're, fuck.
And life just wins and you just can't do it anymore.

Yeah.

God.

I never got a box ring either.

That was just it.

I just put a mattress down.

I was like, thought I could have a box ring and be a normal guy.

Yeah.

No, it sucks.

Dude, my buddy, I used to sleep under his bed for a while.

And he would have girls come over and they'd always go to the restroom or something before

they were going to make out.

And he'd come in there.

He'd wake me up.

And he'd be like, don't fucking up. But he'd wake me up and tell me to don't wake up right don't be jacking off that was just crazy like i wasn't gonna wake up i was being asleep yeah he'd be like dude don't fucking wake up dude i got a chick over so you were just like vampire dead asleep yeah 150 bucks a month dude's not bad.
That was a great deal. Man.
Were you like for real under the bed, like a, like a monster? Or was it like a loft kind of thing? Were you like, how, how much space did you have? How much space did you have? My hand just creeps up the itch. Was it like the loft style set up and you were just going to know, but it was a nice high bed okay so yeah i had probably i would say 20 inches under there not bad did you get scared when you woke up yeah probably 19 inches uh a couple times yeah you start to you you start to adapt that makes sense i only have one experience i slept at my cousin's house one time when i was little and i slept on the the floor, but I would move around while I was sleeping, and I ended up with half of my body under his bed, and I freaked out when I woke up.
So I didn't know where the fuck I was. I just looked up, and I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, scary.
But that must have been sick to be laying under someone having sex like that. Yeah, well, it was...
And I think, look, he did it because he was trying to make sure I knew he was hooking up with chicks. You know, he always like he always like did that.
Should have gave him a little just so he would know just from the bottom. Just push a little with my legs.
Yeah, give a little boost. His leg press him like a quarter inch deeper.
That would have been righteous as hell. That would have been cool.
She would have been like, holy shit. It's a strength of two men.
I should have loved that, dude. Dude, anybody that has sex for more than probably six or seven minutes is out of their fucking mind.
Dude, it's ridiculous, man. Thank you.
I've been praying about this. I'm like, even to say it, I felt afraid to say it.
No. I used to live, me and Brittany lived below a couple, and the guy would just, for fucking like 40 minutes, and it was just never ending.
We'd be like, dude, come on, man. This isn't even sexy anymore.
It was just like, dude, what are you doing? Yeah, it's like, what are you doing? What is the point? Go shit. Yeah, dude, just go do anything else.
Yeah. I agree.
I mean, if you're really getting after it 12 minutes top 12 minutes is crazy yeah on a par like on a um six perfect yeah yeah one two is like understandable yeah it happens you have to definitely yeah i would get so nervous sometimes i would get off and i'd be like what was that i'd run out of the just shit like you know oh you hear that or something i'd run out of the fucking room or something wait what do you mean like if i would get you know ejaculate early or whatever oh true yeah what the fuck was that do you feel that earthquake what the fuck was that i'd just fucking run out of the come back like 10 minutes later with my clothes on just not even saying anything although i i feel like women secretly i mean not even secretly they'd much prefer that than like if you just couldn't finish it devastates women you can't finish dude they you know people like say guys are bad at being like well folks you didn't come but like dude if a dude doesn't come ever like women women will implode but that's i think the new move is not like just coming for just fun like just party coming or whatever like people are just coming for fun i think that's kind of those days are over yeah i mean you mean like personally or just kind of like i think so for me yeah it's like i it's like i want to just i want to be the guy that kind of you know ejaculates like with a purpose or yeah build it. Is that crazy? What the fuck am I talking about? Dude, no.
That's insane. I think I'm Stephen Douglas of fucking ejaculations, dude.
I think I'm dude. I have the same fantasy though, where I'm like, I'm going to really like dial it in and you know, I'll be like tired before bed and it's like, I'm going to have a beat off even though I'm not horny.
That's where I'm at. You're not even, you don't even want to, but you're like.
That's sick. That's abuse, really.
It is. And it feels like abuse.
Yeah. You finish and you're like, I didn't need to do that.
That was, it's crazy. Yeah.
You feel so much shame. I feel a ton of shame happens for me from watching porno.
Yeah. And watching myself jerk myself off.
Watching yourself. Yeah, true.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, it's jerk. I don't mind jerking jerking off it's pornography for some reason like when it's over and i'm still watching and i'm just like if i can do like a memory beat those i feel pretty guilt-free just went out in the shower just kind of dude i had a blind dude that lived with us for a bit and we would fucking i saw him watching uh hand porn or whatever it's called no reading like braille erotica craziest thing ever man really beautiful really i mean gay i don't know i mean like yeah i i mean it was what gay it was like you know but it was pretty cool it was like um i'm trying to think what movie or braille's just going, oh, fuck, dude.
Well, it was getting pretty crazy. You know? It's crazy.
But it's just interesting to see, you know? It's almost like watching the Nature Channel. Yeah, that's kind of nuts.
Oh, there you go. The braille superstore romance novels.
Fuck, dude. I want to learn braille just so I can do this.
Oh, yeah. The love hypothesis.
Damn, their titles are very poetic. It ends with us.
It starts with us. Turn around and let me see that sexy body go boom, boom, boom.
That's stupid. No, that was pretty sick.
Yeah, that was pretty bad. Lessons in Chemistry, Crash and Burn.
These titles are good. Oh, the Manning sisters.
What are they doing? That's probably about Eli and Peyton getting a trance surgery. Dude, is Eli, does he just get carried along by Peyton is peyton the one with all the pizzazz and eli just gets kind of carried off didn't eli win if did eli win or my peyton definitely won superbowls but i thought elon eli what not elon eli won one yeah with giants he won one beat the pets yeah and peyton what peyton won two that's a good question he won with denver didn't think so.
Oh, yeah, he did. He did.
Because I would have thought Peyton was definitely the guy, but apparently Eli was kind of nasty as well. Oh, Eli was pretty wild, man.
Yeah. Eli is definitely funnier to be around when I'm around the two of them.
Really? I haven't been around him much. Yeah.
Maybe that sounds like humble bragging. It's not.
No. But Peyton went to UT, so you see him sometimes like in um in uh nashville or in tennessee uh pete payton's a great actor he's good in those commercials but he actually yeah he's pretty he also he probably whooped eli's ass dude oh that's a great question i do i can i can tell he definitely whooped his ass that's a great question dude i uh i forgot uh you're asking me what i've been up to.
I've been visiting schools. Now I have to look at real schools.
My oldest daughter is going to turn five, so that's like kindergarten. So she has to get to the real school system.
And we were looking at this one place, and they have plainclothes just like guards now with guns. So it's kind of sick.
I was like, dude, I really want to retire and become plainclothes just like guards now with guns so it's kind of sick i was like dude i really want to retire and become plainclothes just walk around a school just grow like a ponytail and be a teacher that's all you do all day you carry a gun you just wait for like some nerd to pop off and you just blast them dude that'd be that would be honorable man but what if you fucking what if you start tripping in your head and thinking that somebody's like some kid is like plotting and shit like I'm like the true detective I'm Russ Cole of school security I'd have to wait till they'd have to pull out first you think you would set a kid up is that no no no can you say that you're saying like get like all tripped out like damn is this kid paranoid like I know these motherfuckers Damien's up to some shit he's packing No, I would say that? No, you're saying like get like all tripped out. Like, damn, is this kid getting paranoid? Like I know these motherfuckers.
Like oh, Damien's up to some shit. I know he's packing.
No, I would just wait. I would chill.
I'd do my thing. And the moment one of those motherfuckers pulled out the steel, I would just be there ready to die and just walk them down.
That's your job. Mr.
Walk them down Crayola style. Walk them down, bro i you know if i died i'd die a fucking hero you can't die dude some fucking kid you can't yeah two hands even a holy god what if an adult kid sometimes like crazy oh that's true oh yeah that's better let's yeah it's like evil nerds or a fucking like just wild adult you know either one could get it yeah either one could get it oh but it's like dude that would be that would be i was just at this school and it was like like i saw the guy because they were like you know my wife's like you have security and like we have plain clothes i'm like right on then i saw i was like kind of sussing out like i see people walking around yeah as soon as i saw like oh dude i'm like oh there's the plainclothes security guard yeah when i was young we just had like a milf with a hammer running around.
We were lucky, dude. Yeah.
We didn't have any security, man. Yeah.
We didn't have shit. We did.
Yeah. Now you need it.
Now you get, dude, the plainclothes guys at a school. That would be so sick.
Just walking around, chilling, knowing like, yeah, dude, all I have to do is chill here. Listen to Desperado on your fucking AirPods.
Nonstop. It'd be nothing but shit like that.
Just just fucking enter sandman just yeah i would just be getting hype for like 30 years just being like let's go let's fucking walkin tom machine gun man damn dude yeah by the end of it i just be tipping my hat to the teachers like ma'am all black leather cowboy outfit dude like dude can you be a little more low yeah you shit once a week i'd roll a tumbleweed before i walked anywhere i just kick a tumbleweed across from me bro these people should have their own tumbleweeds right yeah dude just throw it on a string just fish it yeah a hero a hero should have a couple tumeds in front of him, dude. True.
Just fucking give it. I would just kick it as I walk.
Or even if some twinks dressed up like in hay and stuff. That'd be nice.
That'd be nice. Spinning around.
Like a Tonto. Like a Tonto.
But yeah, that was fucking killing me, dude. I kept fucking with my wife.
I was like, bro. Wow.
I love. That's the one thing.
We went to Chicago and she was like crushing me because she's from there so like when we were visiting her family was like you got to be careful now like and like they're there's they kept called them like the hop out boys which you know you shouldn't give these guys like a cool name like that but they're like dudes are just hopping out of cars with ar-15s and just carjacking people so my wife was telling me about it the whole time she hates when i do this but i'll be like bro i with that thing. She's like, dude, it's not funny.
It's very serious. I was like, bro, it'd be the worst day of that guy's life.
She's like, would you please stop? This is serious. I was like, I wish one of those motherfuckers would.
And the whole time we were there, I was like, please, please. I hope those guys don't come.
But yeah, you got it. Did you have a piece on you? No, I didn't have anything.
I told her I was going to grab the barrel and tie it in the knot and get the fuck out of here you punk bro your wife is gonna be holding the blood into your body dude i just say that to fuck with her in the reality i would have fucking bailed out my god you guys you can have the fuck the car and the family i'm out here do you think a wife likes it if the husband has a gun on him definitely these days i think they love sure. I think they love that shit.
I mean, dude, you could get the most lib lady, but she's going to love... All libs secretly...
I think I've even talked about this before. All libs secretly want just a red-pilled badass, in my experience.
They want a dude with a gun. I went to social work school.
A lot of the women there secretly had deeply conservative husbands who worked as financial guys. like, you know, they just do it because they feel like somebody has to promote what would be idealistic.
I mean, that's what a lot of like, I guess, I don't know. I mean, a lot of people's views, it's just like this, ideally, yes, it would be awesome.
But some of them, it's just not practical. It's like, like, I have friends that like um will talk to me about like well you guys have

guns there in america and stuff like that and it's just dangerous and why can't you guys figure that

out and people want to have their guns it's like there's no way to not have it yeah the bad guys

have guns already it's too late if you do a gun drive the good guys are just going to give their

guns away i know you just have to have them dude and what are you going to call a policeman who

does if he doesn't have a gun he's not coming to help you. He's done.
Yeah, exactly. What do you think is he going to drive by and honk at you guys while you're getting beaten or shot in the yard? Yeah, you can't really do anything about it.
But I do think. Yeah, I think.
But ideally, yes, it'd be great if there weren't. I wish there weren't.
Right. But that has to go away quickly.
Yeah. because there are people shooting each other all the time oh yeah so you have to get past that idea yeah yeah you're not going to be able to the technology chain is gonna have to be an interchange because the guns are there criminals are going to have them and it's like yeah like what do you want to not have one when a criminal with a gun comes yeah it'd be the government has to be the one who takes them then that's a whole other can of worms because it's like we're not giving you my fucking guns fuck no yeah so it's uh you know i need to share with you something and it's called blue chew baby when you want to get that randy really rocking you know what i'm talking about when you want to get that rat la tuck peek around the corner, baby.
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Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com slash T-H-E-O, all lowercase. Just go to shopify.com slash Theo to upgrade your selling today shopify.com slash t-h-e-o all lowercase it's a tricky thing although i you know it's a right now a lot of people are gloating on the libs i don't want to gloat on the libs a lot of people are gloating on them because trump got elected yeah me neither i'm not i'm not into that no i'm not into that at all I think we're in a dude.
How did the Ken Wilber thing go by the way? Oh yeah. Kim Wilber.
Uh,

yeah. Ken Wilber, a super interesting guy.
He has the best take on this whole situation. On the election.
Culture war. Yeah.
I don't know if I talked about that. It was a lot of listening and learning.
Was it a lot of stuff? Yeah, we but we worked together to make it as effective conversation as we could nice but it was really cool um uh just learning about like his philosophy of how like we're as as a species we are evolving and as uh and over time we're just advancing yeah so how those affect you personally and how and and how you do well his thing is dude, so it's fucking, did he get into like how there's like holarchies and-

Some of it.

There's like cells and cells turn into like organisms,

organisms turn into humans, you know, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, we started going up the chain of command, right?

And then also how we're advancing as-

And our worldviews are doing the same thing

where we had like, you know, like medieval rulers

into democracies and then the libs are the leading edge

of cultural evolution where it's like,

everything's being more and more inclusive physically

Thank you. where we had like you know like medieval rulers into democracies and then the libs are the leading edge of cultural evolution where it's like everything's being more and more inclusive physically and worldviewly you know in terms of worldview yeah just the libs lost the plot or the they call it the green wave lost the plot because they include everybody but like you know trump white type trump voters yeah and the whole thing's collapsing in on itself all they have to do is just love everybody yeah and they'd have the commit they'd have the superior worldview it's a good point actually i think a lot of people did i mean i don't know dude i was a democrat but i mean like i got so angry when they did that stuff to bernie you know like yeah my dad was an old man so i to me it also registered like somebody taking advantage of an older person so So that shit, at that point for me, I was just like, what's going on here? And then I am super

concerned about the big pharma and medicine just using us all and not caring that we're

human beings. Yes, there's a lot of medicine that's helping people, but also everybody

shouldn't be on a medicine. Yeah.
You know? And- There's some commercials for medicines. They don't even say what it does.
Yeah. Then you look it up and it's like, it's for like heart failure.
And you're like, why the fuck are you? This is a baseball game, dude. I'm not going to be like, yo, can I get that heart failure medication? Yeah.
You have to request it. The wheelchair gum or whatever.
There's all kinds of shit. And you're like, what do we need to meet that for? Yeah.
But's the that's the big standoff right now it's like so i liked rfk he was kind of the guy that i thought was neat me too i'm been to him yeah i like the fact that he's doing all that stuff against all those things and then i think um i don't think we have the same parties i don't feel like it's democrats and republicans anymore there's something else happening yeah and it's gonna keep morphing well that's the wilbur stuff is that the green it was like orange is like the business science wave and the green wave was the one it's like in terms of worldviews you could have like what he called red was like ethnocentric that was what he called trump it's like it's things that speak to like ethnocentric ideals where people get to the point where they can only recognize like people that look like them they can only care about people who look like them which is like a reality for a lot of people all across the world it's like you know every country in every country is like we have the best food we have the most beautiful everybody you know does this and then his whole theory is that you slowly grow out of it to more complex and inclusive worldviews but it was again it was like that the thing that crushed uh like the like the what george's peter uh georgeson peter or peter george what the fuck is the name georgeson georgeson peterson george Peterson, Jesus Christ, his whole thing we, Jordan, Peter, or Peter, what the fuck's his name? Jordan Peterson. Jordan Peterson.

Jordan Peterson,

Jesus Christ.

His whole thing we call is like postmodern neo-Marxism

is that green wave Ken Wilber talks about

where it's like the leading edge

where all the colleges are like radical inclusivity,

but all they have to do is go,

Trump guys,

you're cool too.

It's all they have to do.

They can't do it.

And now the whole thing's just imploding on itself.

Well,

that's the part that makes you start to think,

do they just hate like white men?

For me,

it's like,

Thank you. can't do it and now the whole thing's just imploding on itself so that's the part that makes you start to think do they just hate like white men but for me it's like in three generations it's like i always say like beige power like everybody's gonna be beige right in three generations everybody's gonna be like you know ben simmons blake griffins you know penguin people for sure you know for sure mixed yeah and so it's just kind of weird how do we want to operate that in the meantime right exactly but then i think when people get scared um especially with like threats of war uh fears they start to they want to gravitate towards whatever is their seemed like their people yeah like prison prison's the same thing you go to prison everyone's you know it's all like based on race and all that stuff yeah and then but but everybody is a jelly roll fan you know true that's true that's true which is pretty crazy well it dude it's it's like yeah what they where they felt like you know this is like if you didn't the will it's hard to explain without like seeing the wilbur thing but it's like if you take with what's called like a lib or a you know a post-modern neo-marx whatever they want to call it like people who are you know like a radical feminist they built their their thing was right and being like we should be nice to everybody we shouldn't be mean to gay people we shouldn't be mean they're totally correct the problem was they went and the reason everything's so bad they're like we hate racism in every form every type of discrimination and it's all because of white people and it just like went right back downward now you're just being racist in a more sophisticated fashion right and that's the whole thing that's why it's not if it's a truly like visionary and leading like kind of like evolutionary tip of like our spiral upward into like complexity and greater wholeness people would get on board right and maybe that's the next step that's the next step is like being like okay here's all the good stuff from your world view and we're gonna apply that to everybody and rather than being like this is the reason everything's up it's because blah blah because it's like yeah and that's another thing i mean trump that's one thing that's kind of gets worried worried about trump is like is he gonna be is that is the pointing fingers is that shitting you know is that kind of end and so it is for now but it's like i think they're good rfk smart where he's kind of like i don't want to participate in any of this stuff yeah and hopefully he'll kind of get up in his ear because it i mean it is so sweet slamming the libs i will give it there's i get like a when i see the libs get owned i do there's some part of the libs the liberals yeah it's just like there's like on the internet like liberals owned liberal slam and it's like you watch they do those like uh you know they do those like 25 students versus like ben shapiro yeah that's like slamming the libs porn where it's like him just like taking on 19 year olds and like actually you don't know anything about that and then everyone's just like tell him ben fucking crushed the libs and i will there's a dark part of my heart that's like yes when i watch that ben sinner's got that hair wallet on dude they did one of them where they make people run to the chair to tap the chair so that they get the chance to debate him and it's dude it's embarrassing people are like tripping over themselves to hit the chair and be like actually ben i think you're a fucking asshole and he's like next i'm like dude don't run to the chair you're an adult they're like diving for it just to be like actually ben if you ever through it's like so i've been trying to remove i know i have a bias towards that and i i'm trying to like remove that from watching that stuff yeah not that that stuff I'm like, actually, Ben, if you ever threw it.
It's like, so I've been trying to remove, I know I have a bias towards that.

And I've been trying to like remove that from my YouTube. Oh, watching that stuff?

Yeah.

Not that, that stuff I'm like, whatever on,

but it's like, I will watch like news clips

where like liberals melt down about,

and I'll be like, well, check this out.

And I'll be like, I've been trying to erase that.

Cause I'm like, it's not good.

It's not good.

And it's just stupid.

I mean, I don't know.

I don't care.

Like, I just want, like, I don't know. Some shit just started to get really weird.
I think, well, Kamala wouldn't come on podcast, right? I thought that that was weird. It was like, and we asked and they said, well, do you guys give final edit, right? And they asked, did Trump ask for final edit? You know? Did he? No, they didn't ask for anything.
They shouldn't, dude. They didn't ask for anything.
JD.D. Vance showed up.
Dude, there were snipers on the ice. I stayed up late, like, trying to get some questions together and think of some things.
And we invited everybody. Those were the, them, Bernie Sanders, and Mark Cuban came on.
He was very much like a Democrat or left-leaning. Yeah, he's a Democrat, yeah, yeah.
But he gets something. I didn't realize he gets, if they won he get there's a business incentive you know yeah i didn't realize that some of these things i'm learning as i go right it's typically with billionaires yeah when they're like when they're involved in politics it usually is like yeah i didn't realize that i'm like oh people aren't just out there who run for no reason for some reason yeah he's not freaking out over like banned books and schools he's like i need you to know, build a railroad from here to there, whatever the fuck he's up to.
001 001 Yeah, but we had common ground and like just different thoughts and stuff and definitely inspiring to be able to talk to people like that. But I woke, so I wake up that morning and it was like an hour until the thing.
I was like, I had to get in the freaking ice bath. I got to make sure I'm in a decent mood.
001 001 Yeah, yeah. 001 001 Yeah, try to do something to get high.
001 001 Do you get spun out when you have level, like guests of that high profile? 001 001 Yeah high profile? Yeah, man. I get fucking, I get crunched, dude.
I can't handle it, man. We had RFK on, I could barely like formulate a sentence.
Wow. And neither can he though, which is great.
That's a joke, Bobby. He'll laugh at it.
He will. He'll laugh at it.
Dude, watch suddenly, he fucking fixes his own voice, dude. Bro, if he did that.
It's over, dude. It's over.
And it's, dude, and it's dude and it's like yeah imagine he is such he'd be such he's such an electrifying speaker and thinker anyway but yeah it's that works against him he's been in it yeah yeah but so but i wake up there's fucking i go in the ice bath there's like secret service ever they had drape put drapes black drapes in front of the house right damn they shut down exits off the interstate i had no idea you shut down the whole city bro i had no idea there's snipers on the roof on the roof full tactical gear i'll put pictures in the youtube um holy shit and then uh oh my neighbor right i fucking look at my phone he's's like, what's up? Are you? And then he put blank, like just underlines. And they thought it was one of those things where like a suicide in the house, like they were sending people in to get, like I was taking my own life at home.
That's how he asked you if you killed yourself. He said, are you? Well, he sent like four messages.
And so at that point, because it was like already 11, I slept. i slept in i was up to probably three just like getting my questions ready so i was like i have to make sure i sleep and uh oh my god he's like dude we were so scared man he's like because we saw them like they thought they were rappelling into the home and um i was like what you thought i killed myself what the fuck dude we just assumed you You fucking killed yourself.
So so yeah that's oh and they had a van outside that's some weird term on like threw people off yeah the black curtains around your house would be yeah i think people thought but that's what people thought that makes that kind of makes more it was morgue-esque you know yeah it was like so gruesome that they were like we gotta but they also had this like stan's bakery van or something like it It was kind of like play this old cat and like what is kind of fucking happening here that's crazy it was super crazy dude stan's bakeries have snipers make yeah we just gotta get these cupcakes and we'll be right we'll be right back yeah there's some wake treats yeah just so there's some viewing of the body hey first come first serve guys dude that was crazy though that was one of the craziest things that had ever happened um for sure but he comes in and i was like hey man thanks for coming i was like uh you know just want to let you know we don't have any we're not like a gotcha type of show for sure just looking forward to having a nice conversation which is what i tell anybody yep and um he's like whatever man it's all good yes let's have a chat and that was it and it was fun you know yeah man it was interesting yeah i feel bad everyone's so still hyped up about this stuff i honestly think if you look at it i hate when people lose anything you know it's tough when there's a winner and a loser dude i was in i was in the grocery store the day of i guess like that he got elected that night and then you then at 3 in the morning or whatever. He won at 3 in the morning.
And then I was in the grocery store the next day. And they have magazines in the grocery store.
This magazine was just Kamala. And it was just a picture of her.
I didn't even know what magazine it was. It was just her name and her.
I got real sad for her. I was like, damn, dude, that's so bad.
If I just lost and I saw a magazine with just me on it i'd be i'd cry yeah so i felt pretty bad for her i was like damn that really sucks for that lady she just i mean that dude that i if people they've spent i think a billion dollars on the campaign it just shows you that it's must there but also then if that's the if safe okay they spend that much on a campaign right both these sides spend a ton of money but if the if there's just like these powers in the background doing thing it's just like why would they if it's not even real say the office isn't even you know it's just for show sure it just seems like you wouldn't waste that much money so there must really be i think there is man i think there really is you get in and it's like power it's just teams yeah it's like you're on this team this is on that team you know could it all be organized like that would be pretty elaborate to yeah like set it all up when you could reality just be like yeah you know we're putting this guy in have they could just have the coolest guy ever just come right every time be like yo we love this guy and they can meanwhile just be doing whatever but yeah dude i think i guess it all is real you know i think it's it's real and they just there's like groups and lobbyists and certain i don't i don't that's where i kind of lose it where it was interesting that's for sure and i'll i'll say who made the whole thing happen oh kamala reportedly spent a hundred thousand dollars on building a set for her appearance on call her daddy like dude why here's the setting question so they rebuilt they rebuilt their own set i guess because they wanted, a host to come to her. So I think she didn't want to go anywhere.
So she built the set. But I wonder if she has.
That's such a, I mean, you know, that's just kind of weird. It's like, just go there.
Right. I wonder if she may have a thing where she doesn't like going.
Like sometimes I don't like sleeping at people's houses or whatever. You know what I'm talking about? I can't shit anywhere else but her house maybe could be which is where people should say people who are like transient shitting hey man hey man sorry i agree though but i always want to be home that's my thing i always want to be i'm getting a little i was like pretty guarded about that but now i'm like just letting it rip i've been flying more so i'm just kind of like whatever man but i i do agree home is where it's where the heart is truly like i do want to shit at home every time yeah i agree with you you should get more like you should get like money back or something if you shit at home you should you should dude right you should be a tax writer like a credit or something yeah because it is but it's dude just i also the the violence of shitting that's occurring in airport bathroom it's like it's upsetting people are shitting so hard in those i mean i don't know why we're back to this but oh people are shitting at top speed it's crazy that's the craziest thing to me to ever is when somebody shits at full blast speed like are you out of your mind you're gonna hurt yourself i i from what i like from hearing You're going to hurt yourself.
From what I'm hearing in public bathrooms, most people are. Are in there just having like religious experiences.
Just being there. It's like, yeah.
Like full ayahuasca dumpster. It's like blowing it out.
It's crazy. Wow.
Just slinging disciples out of your butt. Everyone's fucked up, dude.
They need Bobby Kennedy to get all the crap out of the food shitting to death into the bathroom but bro there's also a part of me that i feel like do you think we can get more together or do you think we should just have two americas do you think no because dude we're like people don't realize it but the parties are rubbing off on each other so much like now like on like well most people want the same stuff most people do but i'm saying like the republicans now have been so like let's say conservatives are so annoyed by liberals that now they're like going out of their way to be so not racist like oh yeah you think we're racist check this out we're gonna employ like 47 black dudes now how do you like they're doing it almost i'm not saying they're doing despite them but it's like they have gotten just way more inclusive like every you know like the conservatives and everything before it was like only pretty much only all white guys now there's a lot of different people in like the conservative movement oh yeah liberals bring stuff up the conservatives like shut the fuck up and then they actually do kind of do a lot of the stuff but you know not even realizing it yeah so they're kind of both like balancing each other but people you know they're all just caught up in like the like the primal and tribal aspect of it but it's like things are going pretty fucking well dude oh first you know white house chief of staff in history yeah dude like all this stuff is happening because it's like they're like amazing suzy wiles and she's pat summerall john madden's former broadcast partner's daughter oh interesting yeah dude i'm telling you once we just like stop the nonsense of like bitterly arguing about everything it's going to be pretty chill yeah ben carson i think he's going to put back into i like some of his ideas b carson yeah that guy's kind of cool this he's like a surgeon oh rise and shine carson dude that guy he's got dead I like the guy, uh, his blood, bro. He's kind of cool.
He's like a surgeon. Oh, rise and shine Carson.
He's dead asleep. I like the guy.
His blood, bro. He's got his blood pressure.
Who's the guy? It's just like a synth drum. There's not much popping, dude.
The one dude I like, Byron something. He's a black conservative guy from Florida.
Byron Davis? Byron. I think Byron.
Is it Byron Davis? He's nice. That guy's, I saw he was on the Breakfast Club.
No, not Byron Davis. He plays basketball.
Byron, he's like a governor from, there he is. That's my bro right there, Byron Donalds.
That's a good bro right there. Well, it's definitely interesting to see that everything's getting diverse.
What was that tweet that Adam McKay had? I thought that that was something when I read that, it resonated with me. I think...
I don't know. But yeah, like I said, it's like...
I have it one sec. Yeah, I do.
Like I said, I think people are getting real doom and gloom, but it's like... I'm of the minority opinion.
I think things are going to get pretty sweet, actually. Yeah.
Who would have guessed lying about Biden's cognitive health for two years?

That shit made me so mad, dude.

Just taking advantage of an old man.

Like, it's just not cool.

You know what I'm saying?

His family shouldn't have allowed it.

I know, dude.

You know, it's just not cool because then you're lying to him also, right?

So you're placating him.

Like, you're just, you're using, it just, it seems like cruelty to a human, right?

Refusing to do an open conversation for a new nominee never mentioning public health care embracing fracking and year-long slaughter of children in gaza that's that to me was one thing it definitely was like yeah they blew it so hard i mean again if you some of the stuff i don't know but the children in gaza thing and i think just taking advantage of biden it just felt like, is this party really doing this? Or are they, what's happening here? Well, it's like, all they had to do was, if she could have came out and be like, bro, we all saw it. Dude's old as hell.
You know, let's not. Everybody pretended like he wasn't.
Let's not fucking, instead she was like, he's fine. Like, well, why did they take him out? It's like, you can't do that.
Yeah. All they had to do, like, obviously the dude was fucking going nuts and getting old.
Come on, let's move on. It was just, they were just lying.
You know when someone's lying and you're like, dude, you're bullshitting me. It was just that and everyone could see it.
And it was just like, and now too, you know, not to, you know, fluff the podcasting too much, but it's like now they can't go on like the sound buddy little things. They have to go sit down and like answer actual questions.
And people now,

like I didn't know,

I couldn't tell what interviews were edited when I was younger.

Now people are like more savvy about media.

So they're able to be like,

oh,

that's,

that was a weird jump.

They cut something out.

They go,

here's the whole thing.

Yeah.

So now you have to be able to sit down and actually communicate rather than

like hitting talking points and like engineering,

you know,

people's ideas on things.

Do you think that Rogan's endorsement helped Trump win, or do you think it had any effect? It didn't hurt, but I think it didn't hurt, but just what he does I think helped him win for sure. It's like setting a standard where politicians now have to go sit down for at least a two-hour conversation.
Yeah, because really what he did over the past years is just investigate. I mean, he asked so many questions about everything to all types of people.
So you learned so much. And he's not a gotcha guy either.
So he's good at just being like, help me understand this. And that's when people really get kind of flushed out.
Where it's like, if they're not making sense. And he's pretty adamant about that.
I don't get that. That doesn't make sense.
I'm a weak interviewer i'll be okay i think it won't make sense yeah that's cool i get burnt out i get exhausted he said dude i was in there yesterday and it was like i was just like i feel like i've been kind of losing my mind this week really yeah i don't know what was going on i just was like getting like a lot of paranoia it's the worst yeah and uh i don't know if i met it i don't know if i missed a day i don't know what happened but i was like fucking thought i was going crazy yesterday it's kind of crazy we have days when you start asking people like am i okay you know that's a weird thing yeah that is it's so hard to explain but i'll just be like walking sometimes and i'll just get like a feeling where i'm like bro i'm fucking losing it right now, and it's like, that is the worst.

001 001 Yeah, and it just kept spending the whole day, it was like the whole day was like that, man. And then I had to go in there and I felt

very nervous. So then you felt like you're under a microscope.

001 001 Yeah.

001 001 Yeah.

001 001 What do you do to keep yourself kind of on the square? Is there like any kind

of program or is it just kind of-

001 Yeah, usually go to AA meetings. That helps.

001 Yeah.

001 Do yoga. I got hurt a couple, like a month ago.
Some guy squeezed me after a football game. I was in, when Vanderbilt beat Alabama, I was there.
And this guy just squeezed me so much. What? And then all the players, some guy on the sidelines.
No. Yeah, some devout, just brother had really squeezed me.
Fuck. I mean, like I was a fucking, like he was going to brush his teeth with me.
That sucks. He got it.
Yeah, I was just like, where did it get you? Over here, his rib. Oh, fuck, yeah.
But then all the players had just won, and they were, and then everybody squeezed me, dude. Yeah, and they're fucked.
So you couldn't do the yoga? For like, yeah, for weeks. And so then my mental starts going down.
Yeah. That's us right there.
pretty sure jr right there i believe that's amazing dude we got that coach clark lee oh that's skinner jr right there damn that thing's pretty heavy too man those coolers aren't yeah decent amount of water in it nice we got him he's cool that's awesome that's awesome damn so you just got squeezed by the strongest dudes in the country yes yeah that's That's what happened. And then, so yeah, but anyway, I'm not whining about it, but it's just like, you can't do anything, bro.
You go to open your refrigerator and that suction on the refrigerator, oh, that hurts. Yeah, when your ribs are fucked up, it hurts.
Breathe every breath. You're like, fuck.
Yeah, and then you're pushing on the side of your body while you're doing everything. So you're walking around like this all day.
Like you're fucking like one of those guys putting away a pocket watch or something like in the twenties or whatever. Like that little handicapped peanut that they fucking sent out there.
Yeah. And you, and there's nothing you can do when your ribs hurt.
There's no like sling or you can just, you have to, and yoga is just so much breathing. Every breath you'd be like, and then you do like the, like this thing.
Oh, that would hurt. So yeah, just that, just, and I was just kind of losing my mind, dude.
So then you go in there and you're like, am I saying crazy shit? Fuck, dude. Start to get real paranoid.
Yeah. I will say this though.
I think the person that won that election, I think the person that changed it was Dana White. Really? Undeniably.
That's, why do you think that? Because he got Trump in the podcasts made it happen he um he did it yeah he uh is just you he did that he made that happen yeah that makes sense he was the one being like you got to do these he's the one who like talked to joe about it for years it's been in discussion yeah i don't think joe rogan was gonna do that and then he did yeah you know and um that put that did kind of push it i think that helped actually yeah dana made all that happen dude it got like that was the thing too it was like just you if you want to look at youtube views that's kind of like i don't know if that like works with polling but it's like the rogan trump episode i don't what is it at like 30 million it was it was at like millions

quickly the call call me daddy or that podcast with kamala was like i don't know if it had a

million it did i think it might have 47 million 47 million if you look up the call her daddy or

call him daddy or whatever call me daddy excuse me um i'll call her daddy there you go it got

812 000 812 000 but that's just a clip now here's the problem with call her daddy not

I'll't know. Or at least people come in to experience the person, you know person you know true um yeah definitely interesting you can't watch the full episodes because they're on serious is that right serious yeah they only put a clip yeah so you can't see the full episodes of these podcasts either so you don't know um what really why you know i wish you the best i'm not like yeah that's the thing i'm not like i fucking hate that lady i'm like i felt sad i didn't i personally didn't really want her to win because i was just like you know i think trump will probably maybe stop the wars faster it's my hope but well i just i don't know i just i don't know what's happening i feel like there's a changing of these parties because you have former democrats who are now republicans but they also don't even get along with half of the people in office yeah people are sick of politicians overall big time um a pack and lobbyists like have infiltrated what it seems like politics overall it's like for sure and people you can't hide the information from people anymore yeah well dude the weird thing was is like they started like the the democrats started being like i mean george bush was great and like you know cheney and all that stuff and it's like why why are they pumped on them it was that to me was just weird where it's like they're all dark and then i think the last minute they started being like yeah we actually want strong borders and all because they were like, this is working.
So, you know, it's I think it's all part of a bigger process that is for the best where it's like, like you were saying, the Republican Party is totally different, like way different. Remember, like 1995? It was like it was it was like send people to jail for fucking, you know, 30 years for crack and all this stuff.
And now it's like we should get some of these guys out of prison you know which everyone's doing now but that's yeah cause of like a liberal worldview and that's been they got to get a couple more brothers in the party too i think i think oh it's common dude i think it's common but here's the thing too it's like so you have like the liberal people been like yeah we shouldn't send people to jail for having crack on them for 40 fucking years and then you're like yeah that's a good idea but then with the immigration thing it's like i i personally have no problem with immigrants but it's like you can only have so many like that's a reality right it's just you're having a party yes you can't invite the whole city to your party yeah it won't work so the same thing happens with the border and it's a shame because people want to escape like you know crushing poverty but the republicans are right in that you can't like and it's like if you're like just thinking on a human level you're like i don't want to like kick some guy out or have some guy come against the wall and be like, get the fuck back to your country. But you do have to do that.
But you also, I think there's ways you can do it in an organized pattern. Yeah, true.
So you're properly vetting people. And then they used to have a system where people could serve, they could, you could almost adopt a homeless person or whatever who came across the border and you were their sponsor that's cool i'm super cool so then you as a member of your country right or that you were born into sure it's a blessing right easy for us to say that but then you get to be part of the uh of immigrate you know it's like there's an actual connection there so you know i don't know that's a good i like that idea though yeah it's easy to say stuff let's change the topic what else can we talk about but i was saying too then you can kind of like set them up and like contest against each other oh yeah well people have had that i've heard that material before i think of like doing like a um american ninja warrior to come over the border that would be nice too yeah i was saying if you had saying if you had, like, if I adopted a guy, you adopted a guy, we could kind of make them compete.
Yeah, like battle bots. For the glory of our houses, yeah.
Yeah. That would be so sick.
That would be awesome. In a fun way, you know what I mean? Totally, and you raise money for helping people that are coming over.
Exactly. Fuck.
Winner's family comes over. Yeah.
Loser's family pays. That'd be a great, dude, I had this idea for a game show, right, so check this out.
It's, you get two like kind of lifeguard chairs, right? Mm-hmm. And you have, you put like kind of cellophane, like kind of like some light blue plastic around them, right, you can still see through it.
And at the bottom of the, at the bottom is a scale, right? And you get two guys who have eaten for like a week, haven't gone to the bathroom. Whoever can do the most poop in a given amount of time wins a car or maybe not a car, maybe a motorcycle.
Dude, that's an awesome game. So you're inside the lifeguard chair, you're wrapped in blue.
What's the blue wrapping? Just to kind of contain- Just cause you don't want to see it. You don't want to see it.
Like that'll birth people out. But if you see the scale going up or something, it'll at least excite people.
You don't think the viewers at home are going to see the pile? I think you want to be able to see it, but you want to see it vague. So you want it to be like opaque, like- Yeah, I see it.
Just like a general shape. Yeah.
Have like like a like a frosted glass over something yes that's what i mean frosted glass that would be nice yeah that's a great show thanks man that is a fantastic show onto the scale would be nice i recently just did a thing where you uh you have to poop at home and then like scoop it and mail it to get like results see like what they think of your body dude i swear to god you can do that you can mail it i don't know like a scientist you're a science teacher are you sending that shit a scientist you just sent it to a scientist and they're like oh my god bro this is incredible you've been fucking compromised homie you're mailing poop of your own to someone i did yeah i want to see it with my microbiome dude i that was the thing. I thought you did a whole turd.
They give you a thing to put on your toilet paper. They put a thing to get on your toilet.
It's like a paper thing that sticks. And it has a little...
You know the dick part of your boxers? Yeah. It has that, but for a turd.
Oh, wow. Yeah, it's like that.
And then it catches it. And then you have to scoop...
I thought you just picked the turd up and put it in a jar but no you scoop like the smallest amount and then you put it in like shake it up in a solution and then uh they just tell you like what's up with your microbiome tell you like if they think you're chill or not that was what it was it was that one what they told you where your stepdad lives we'll tell you yeah i don't know man i also a lot of this stuff too, after doing it, I think it's just a way for companies to sell you vitamins, because they could be based on this, we recommend X, Y, and Z. Rob Markman Right.
And once you've made it, once you, you almost want to buy it so they don't tell anybody about your poop. I feel like you'd be like, don't tell anybody about poop.
I'll buy the vitamins. Rob Markman True.
Rob Markman True. Like, yeah, let's keep this between us.
Rob Markman Yeah, yeah. Rob Markman Oh, dude, they could be like, yeah, that guy, we had his poop.
We smelled. Me and Brittany sent him in at the same time.
And my test was run first. I kept telling her that they opened her vial and shut down the lab.
I was like, yeah, the whole place had to evacuate. They sent me an email.
So they opened yours. That's love, dude.
That's a fun one. That's a good thing about having a wife too you can just bother them and do cool stuff like that take shits yeah shit in the tubes and mail it and just both wait for your shit test it's kind that was kind of fun yeah that's like jumping over the broom or whatever in some cultures yeah exactly wow dude i uh were we just talking about medicine yeah i think so well we got We got off the politics stuff.
We probably should have, huh? I feel like people are over it. What was I going to ask you? Do you think...
Oh, look at this. Is this like a new slave or whatever? This is like the Tesla thing.
Bro. Wow.
Yeah, dude. I don't know.
Elon rolled out some bots too what the heck that's a slave where is that this in virginia is it uh that's that's like i am not getting that dude yeah that's like a different country dude yeah tesla tesla or musk oh boy i would like a little robo lawnmower, though, I'll be honest.

Damn, look at that guy ripped, dude.

Dude, that'd be so crazy.

They should keep the bots like R2D2.

They shouldn't give them like legs and arms and shit.

Yeah, you're right, actually.

Well, you won't need these guys looking like people.

Because then somebody's going to start fucking them.

I mean, it's already happened, I'm sure.

Ugh.

I like the way that thing's caught. That thing's savage.

But then your kid will, you're like, mow the yard. And Your kid's like, I don't want to.
My thumb chair. Yeah.
That's true, actually. That's kind of bullshit.
Yeah, dude. I'm trying to think of what chores we had.
Oh, dude, it was ridiculous, man. Dude, do you think it's weird? This is something that doesn't get talked about a lot.
It's like, where do stepdads go when the divorce happens? Because they kind of don't get to see the kids anymore you know oh i didn't think about that you're saying when you oh you're divorced and you get divorced you basically break up with the stepdad i think they go back to like the apartment dude that's straight to an apartment complex that has a pool at it yeah i think like the i think the representative from an apartment complex comes and picks them up like a black limousine takes them back and they just wait in queue to be stepdads.

But it's kind of crazy.

You never think about that because a stepdad gets involved in a kid's life for a couple of years for better or for worse.

Yeah.

But then they have to just.

Peace out.

I think some might stay kind of in, you know, I don't know.

Is that weird though?

Yeah, kind of.

It depends.

I feel like if you knew the kid from when it was a baby, you should or keep the phone line open big bro you can call me whenever you want but yeah i'm gonna go look for some uh but like the first couple years you kind of check in and then you like forget one year it's got to be feel weird yeah eventually or if there's a new stepdad you can't be like hey you gotta pass the baton and be like he's a good boy but do those Do your stepdads meet like have a do they they meet at sabaro they meet at sabaro and they ceremoniously split a pizza and the guy gives the the new stepdad the lat like the fifth slice and he only has three hey what's up i'm tom 2015 to 2017. yeah stepdadding is like i i kind of it's unheralded there's not exactly i kind of wish i was able to experience it a little bit honestly yeah but you know i for real i was always i always assumed that was just like how it would go for me i was like yeah i'll just kind of kick around and eventually i'll just date a chick with kids and be a stepdad but it didn't work out that way so i honestly wouldn't have minded to be pretty sick yeah sometimes i.
Yeah. Sometimes I have a dream, maybe that I meet a lady and she already has a kid, maybe.
Yeah, man. Just get in there at like 10, you know, fucking what? That'd be awesome.
10 to a little. Yeah, I guess you're right.
I guess you're right. Six.
Get out. I'm telling you, man, it's like the first fucking three years where there's no sleep.
You get all your good sleep. You just hop in at six.
They just started remembering stuff. It's perfect.
And it's just fun. From then on,

it's just fun.

My buddy just had his third kid, and he's a black man, and he has.

And it's funny, the other guys were like, dude, you're not even a black dad until you have three kids.

That's crazy, bro.

That's hilarious.

Like two kids for a black guy, that's nothing, bro.

That's so funny.'s child's play so now he's official yeah now he's really yeah like dang all right so you for real about it he's really banging yeah it's like the first two were just mixtapes and this is like a real album he's finally signed yeah what else any other thing else in the news going on or anything else dude i haven't even i haven't been fucking following news i don't know what's going on i uh what else is going on with me do you know what i've been doing recently i've been researching so i've been reading autobiographies that's my big um that's my big kick right now wow i've just been trying to just study people's lives and see like at the end of their life what did they think was good what did they think was think was bad? I only got through like once. Well, I got through a couple actually.
But dude, it's been cracking me up. Bertrand Russell was like this famous mathematician.
Bertrand Russell? Bertrand Russell, yeah. He wrote, him and like this guy Whitehead wrote this like big book called Principia Mathematica where they spent, I think like 200 pages proving one plus one equals two.
This was like the type of he was on wow bizarre why just because they're finding ways that you could not prove it kind of people are coming through and like underline so apparently math is like there's like a like a set of axioms that like you just have to assume is true you know they want math there's a bunch of people back in the day who wanted math to be able to like totally explain everything in the universe it's just the way it is but there is a aspect of faith in math where you have to believe the axioms right so they were trying to just be like check this out and they just got real into one plus one in that book but he's apparently like a genius and i read his and i read the guy you know angela's ashes yeah i read he has one called tiz that's his second frank mccourt so the angela's ashes was his time in ireland till he was 19 and then at 19 he moved to new york city in like the 50s and he wrote another book called tiz that's from the 1950s to like whenever the fucking 80s or whatever um but i've been like i was reading those both simultaneously and like it's so funny how every male memoir is just a guy talking about how horny they were as a kid it's it's crazy yeah horny and want to kill themselves bertrand russell and frank mccord like i just want to so fucking horny dude i just want to fucking kill myself yeah everything every i didn't know every guy was just suicidal back in the day that's what i'm learning in my studies a lot of guys are just fuck just want to fucking kill themselves well it used to be very poetic if you killed yourself. Yeah.
Remember? It was very... There was this Shakespearean, like, I'm taking my life.
Now you're just like a 13 Reasons Why fan or whatever. But it used to be kind of...
There was something very romantic about it in a way. Yeah, you could stab yourself with a sword.
Now it's pussy shit. pussy shit now it's overdose and whatever yeah it's like yeah come on yeah it is go back to the drawing board that's dude this guy first person to use switzerland suicide pod found with strangled and where are these at they're not the airport are they then the airport would actually be your flight got canceled just be like never mind just walk right into the suicide pod Just end it Oh that's Oh this is terrible They said a woman used it But they also found strangulation marks Yeah's that about? So it sounds like maybe they only put her in for a couple minutes.
Yeah, but why would she have marks on her neck? If you get, maybe she might have attempted. Oh, she was trying to like help it or something? Or maybe she like tried to do the old sealing and like something gave way.
And she's like, I I'm gonna hit the pod. There was some malfunction and she

the guy was heard

saying six minutes after the process

started that she's still alive.

So I think he had. Oh he choked her out?

Because I guess if you

go that far if she lives

she would have yelp. The product is no better.

She'd have yelp the pod. Two stars.
Still alive.

Boo.

Eating breakfast right now. Does not work.
with my lame ass kids and husband right now did not taste the sweet release of death awkward ride home husband's like what are you doing back i thought you were killing yourself today oh shit you already got a new girl over he's already on raya listening to zach brian damn dude this i i do that shit freaks me out man when they do you do it i've been at an airport dude and if you miss your lehavre i'm like i'll fucking go to heaven yeah i'm not yeah i'm not waiting yeah fuck akron send me to heaven yeah in that bitch like i've been that furious at a point where it's like i'll just let's shut it down yeah it down. Yeah, there's no more room for your baggage.
You're like, you know what? I'm going to take the pod. I don't know.
I'm not going to go walk five seats back and try to go in oncoming traffic to get my bag back. I'm going to take the pod.
If it doesn't work, you have permission to choke me out. That's crazy.
That guy had to just be like, yeah, he's like, oh, shit. A couple of kinks, man.
I'm just... Don't mind me.
That'd be nice if the pod just like walls came in and just crushed you oh it like put you into a dizzying state and then it just vacuum sealed you yeah exactly just sucked you i'd have like a little soda with me it just dried you out but yeah that uh i don't like that man i don't like when people again it's like if you're if you have like terrible painful cancer or there's like nothing they can do i get it but like that guy looked all right was he just modeling the tube or is he actually yeah he's just the mod i guess they obviously do not have a there's no budget for the model i'll say that you know but i think it was a woman used it. She had cancer and she wanted to go use it.

And they just hooked her up.

Yeah.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

That's the one product.

Coca-Cola and all those, they have beautiful people always drinking Coke.

They're going to have beautiful celebs laying in there.

That's true, right?

They're going to try to.

They want to show you someone who looks like that guy.

I was like, yeah, I could see that.

Yeah.

This guy's got no muscle mass.

Fucking pants are sacking.

I could see him just ending at 76. Hey, Kyle, let me get in there.
You're like, some dude's in there just smoking. You're like, bro, that would be the best.
Some dude is fucking in there. I'm going to get one for my house.
If my kids piss me off, I'm like, I'm going to go to the pod. Yeah.
Daddy's going to the suicide pod. If you guys don't clean your fucking room, I'm going to fucking turn myself off.
Bro, that'd be crazy, them in there you guys want to fuck around you guys want to party i'm scared i would set that thing for 30 seconds just to freak them out just microwave them for a second yeah good well some lady ovened themselves at a walmart you see that no some lady wandered into an oven they were doing what was it was it hiding go seek or what happened We're pulling it up, but there was a woman got stuck in one of the industrial baking ovens at a Walmart, I believe. And I believe she passed away, right? From the gas or she burned herself up? From the burning.
Or cooking. Let's all say burning.
We don't know what happened. Oh, she was 19? Oh.
Yo. Police say the investigation is complex that's unreal oh the walk-in so this they bake like multiple cakes at a time in canada yeah i guess they have a walk-in that's not a good idea it'd be hard to stay out of it i bet it smelled good in there bro true i mean this is harrowing yeah of course but i'm saying that it is a fact that that oven smelled delicious oh man the woman who was an employee of the store was located a large important to note investigation has not yet reached a point where the cause and manner of death have been confirmed the investigation is complex yeah dude i did not i'm thinking like there was a just a big oven on display i was like how the fuck did a lady walk into that? Yeah.
Damn, why the fuck they have walking ovens? That's a terrible idea. It is, huh? Let's just feed them in there like pizzas.
Just, you know, have like a big thing. You pull a wooden paddle and pull them out.
People don't need those cakes, dude. That shouldn't have cost a human life.
Those cakes are terrible. Yeah, you shouldn't.
We don't need to walk into an oven. No, dude.
That's a terrible design. That's a well it's look that's it's an old idea it's not the first it's an old idea and people should have not done it yeah but it's like it's almost like oh you now you need an oven you open the door and has like that like the one of those signs that's on like the ladder that's like do not step here like no shit dude that's terrible fucking oven yeah man i mean oh dude.
That's terrible. Fucking oven.
Yeah, man. I mean, oh, dude.
That is terrible. Someone throws you in there.
That's what they're saying. That's what I'm saying, dude.
Mm-hmm. Oh.
That is not nice. Because, yeah, how would you shut yourself in there? I don't know.
That's a mystery. Yeah.
Complex. If I were writing that, I'd say this this is very complex.
That's a mystery. And here's what's this all about? What's this all about? This guy's turn, huh? This is nice.
That's awesome. This is why you need other countries, dude.
Yeah. People are like, I don't like diversity.
You're out of your mind. That's true.
that guy is as diverse as it gets you show me a honky that can do this i mean dude it is uh what a blessing if you're i'm just just assume this guy's like i don't know where what country that's in but any other time in history just being like a yeah a midget born in like the third world again he could be in palm beach i don't know where that guy's from but he's pretending he's from another country he it would just be a pretty tough road but now he can just make great viral content i know it just makes life good man yeah three six that's hilarious um are you in tires the new season yeah i have a small a small role did you want to have a large role was that ever a conversation you're good no i'm good man i'm i'm happy with everything if i get it the fact that i was in it again i was like fuck yeah so and i dude acting is like so hard man yeah it's draining dude just doing that every day just like i work myself up into a tizzy doing just like two scenes like one scene like from like the different angles and it's just like yeah your weight takes a lot of patience so you sit there all day it's uh but i yeah no i'm

i'm always like i'm kind of chilling man i'm happy every way anything's going the fact that i'm not like stuck at a job that makes me miserable i'm like bro anything that i can do let me know you know what i mean i don't get like caught up in the kind of like it should be better yeah that was my yeah played the cop last time yeah my mom loved the show it's just so wild she's like have Have you seen this tires?

Yeah, it is. It is funny.

Like she's like i i like it i i like put it on and my my daughter was like uncle shane oh she freaked out uncle shane's on tv i was trying to find my part i was like daddy was on tv watching i was like i can't fucking find it like blue get in the oven. Get in the fucking oven.
White dad. Dude, your kids call you white dad.
That's crazy, huh? My daughter says I'm colored sand. She's like, dad looks like sand.
I forget what she called her, mom. That's all right.
Yeah, she's like, dad sand. They didn't have that, but they're going to get it.
Now all the schools, it'll all get like, they'll start ramping that up. but you know, we'll see.
I'm just going to hold it down to my daughter and be like, dude, for real, I'm black, don't worry. Fuck that school.
You wait. This is a fucking mirage, shorty.
Just get the loan on the house. Yeah, we'll see.
But yeah, man, I, yeah, dude, I'm just pumped, man. I'm like, you know, everything's going well.
I'm like, again, I'm just biding my time to be a plainclothes school security. It'd be fun, huh? I do fantasize about like a nice retirement job.
Oh, I want to teach art. I would like to teach arts and crafts.
Nothing fancy. Paint, wire things.
Those fuzzy long things. What are those called? Pipe cleaners.
Yeah. That'd be nice.
Yeah. You can do whatever with those things you just they put out a bag we don't know what we're fucking making some kid made a noose or whatever you're like yeah he's doing good but yeah that's you know for me i'm just been chilling man just trying to keep myself float stay positive it's the embarrassing thing too when like things are going well it's like i'll still get like bummed out and depressed and i'm always like dude you're such a fucking pussy shut up so i've been trying to just like be even keeled and just you know just work on little projects and that's it yeah i think something that's normal too it's it is tough though because certainly people have things a lot tougher you know and it is tough too sometimes when your life is going good it's like not to let your ego start to take over that's that's a thing that gets really scary oh yeah dude because your ego is just like this thing that kind of grows without you you know really knowing what's going on you can be watering it without even realizing it oh dude i i i was lucky to have like an ego boom like early and it was like come looking back on it it was like really not nothing it wasn't anything great but at the time when i was like 24 25 i was just making so much money selling weed that i was like it dude it went right to my head wow as soon as i made like a couple thousand dollars a week i was just like oh my god i'm the fucking best and you start getting rings and shit i was real low-key i mean right now it's the most rings i've ever worn right now but the uh dude, you just get when you like, that happened to me and I got like, you just start getting greedier.
And I was just like, I want more. Luckily, I got wiped out financially like twice.
And then that has like an evening. You go like up and back down.
You go, okay. And it kind of brings you back to earth where you're like, yeah, like don't let that's anything like that get to your head or like make you act different.
And again, it's embarrassing. It's like, dude, I grand so i'm weird but it's like it was enough for me at such a young age to be like i'm a i'm the man everyone's a fucking idiot who can't do and it was just like and then i came crashing and burning and i was like all right back to painting houses now it really had like a that for me dude it was real experience and i was able to be okay when things were going well a don't be a dick and b they might not always forever huge chance it won't so you know be grateful and just kind of like you know be nice and just try to help out and don't get too you know how'd you get wiped out how'd you get wiped out just losing money in the mail i got robbed at gunpoint i got i like had like a couple stretches where like uh dudes i know would get fucked up on drugs and just kind of like dip out i got robbed at gunpoint i lost that and then i mailed like i think like thirty thousand dollars in the mail and that got snagged by the postal police no yeah dude that was scary i like with 30k in the mail yeah i vacuum sealed it all that stuff and uh and what you can you just not legally move that much money you're not allowed to mail money like that no and then what they do is they're like come on in like they're like we'll talk to you and it was like i wasn't my name wasn't on it it was like i tacked it on with my friend and well the trick is you can be like i was buying a car you know blah blah did you go in there you wear a mustache no dude i was like i just called to wash my i'm not going to the postal you know post mineral post general mass or whatever it is is there a chance to get it back if you can prove it's legit they're gonna be like all right where's your tax return out of us so it was like you can't unless you had a legitimate if i legitimately was doing i could be like hey here's what i'm doing i need that back but it's like the last place you want to go in and be like no it was actually up to no good i bet it's sitting i bet you go in there and talk to them yeah right it's gone hey oh my god yeah they probably took it are the postal workers i would imagine the postal i mean or they they maybe you know they were like here you go but it's like yeah that was the big thing back then it was just mailing weed you would just get it to your house and write immediately right return to sender don't open it because what they do is either a guy in like a officer pretends to work for the usps and they come and deliver it and what they were doing first which kind of fucked them up they'd like open the box right now and you open it and be like there'd be weed in there and you could just go i don't know anyone could mail me anything so they legally couldn't do anything so what they started doing is they let you get the package they wait like 10 minutes and then they come in because people usually get it and cut it right open so you have to do is you write return to sender leave it in the corner of the room wait about like an hour and then you put it in your car and you drive towards the post office so if they pull you over like but i don't even know what this is i'm taking the post office and if you just kind of do a couple laps someone's following you go somewhere else and you cut it open but it's like that was the move because california would mail it over for just like pennies on compared to what it was on the east coast i thought i was the man but then you know did you start buying anything you buy a nice suit or something i was very very i was like a chinese triad i would just no i didn't spend anything i would like would you start sleeping on your back or something at least you know what i would do i would go on trips i would do vacations so i would like go away and like ball out like that um but no i didn't buy i didn't buy the cars i didn't do any of that stuff i kept it pretty low-key where'd you go tocun or something uh yeah i went to hawaii yeah i did a trip to why to the four seasons it's pretty tight damn so you were balling i was balling out yeah i was balling but then again i lost it all and then you go from like you know enjoying the the perks of that to like i'd be happy if someone gave me 50 bucks right now you know so it's like yeah and at a young age the best thing that could have happened because because at a young age i got to like get that ego swell and just completely come and there's something liberating when it happens though i remember being oddly like relieved at the time being like oh this is kind of cool i don't have to worry about all this anymore oh that's just a nightmare dude we sold weed for almost four hours one time it's scary it was the scariest all day every day i almost killed the guy i was like i started accusing him of fucking shit we had like we literally had 200 worth of fucking like we were fucking it was just alpha dog immediately bro things went so it was crazy well dude you talk about being paranoid it's yeah you're in a paranoid everybody's a fucking narc or whatever everyone's following you everyone's an arc everyone's watching Yeah.
At one point I would wake my friend up and be like, you fucking watch me. Motherfucker.
I had a storage unit at one point and between me and someone else, we had like 60 pounds of weed in there and I'd have to, I'd have to go in there with a duffel bag in the middle of the day and like look around, load it and walk back up. And the one time I went there at three in the morning or excuse me, it was like, you know, one in the morning, but I go in there, it's nighttime and there's a fire alarm going off in the school.
And I remember hearing it being like, well, there's a school near, which probably wasn't the best place to have fucking 60 pounds a week. So I go in, I'm like, oh, that's weird.
The fire alarm's going off. I load up a duffel bag of like 30 pounds of weed.
I come out of the place and surround it in police, police officers everywhere. Cause they were, they came because of that fire alarm going off in the school and I'm holding a duffel bag and they're just standing there it's like 1 a.m or whatever and i just come down the steps they look at me and i look at them and i was like boys i just walked in my car and i just was like please please please please please please got in took off no problem i was shitting myself dude that was like one of the scarier.
Oh, I can feel the stress of that, dude.

Because you feel the second you're, when they're behind you, you must be like, they're fucking.

They're following me, burning in my head.

You're pulling off.

You're like, you're just waiting for one of their cars to pull off.

And it was like, dude, it was a massive, giant, like hockey bag.

And it looked, I was like, this looks so sketchy.

I'm just coming out like, and I like froze.

It says weed on the side of it.

Came out like, oh, just stared at them. And I was hey i'm like what the fuck's wrong with that guy wow yeah true that is uh i will say that is one of the perks of being a white guy yeah easily do you think the cops at 1 a.m with a giant duffel bag and being like hey yeah what's up brothers what's up guys hi-ho neighbor yeah but yeah and you're just in a paranoid delusion the whole entire it's terrible for your dude my hair's great dude yeah you're just worried all the time constantly for years dude you're hiding in your ceiling yeah that's kind of everything just gets scary you're hiding stuff yeah we had like a couple of um fighting every dude it's funny because sorry to cut you off you give someone an ounce of weed and you watch them they'd be like be like, yeah, just like, you know, um, fighting.
Dude, it's funny. Cause sorry to cut you off.
You give someone an ounce of weed and you watch them.

They'd be like,

yeah, just like,

you know,

sell this and people would start it.

And it's like,

people would implode.

It was,

it's just so much pressure or they would just smoke it all.

They'd be like,

whatever.

Yeah.

But then they're high.

Now you're having to talk to somebody that's fucking high to get you their shit back.

And then everybody starts knowing you're the weed guy.

So people knowing you're the weed guy,

there's something cool about it.

But then there's also this fear. Cause you're like, well, I'm going to get busted.anoid, yeah, paranoid all the time.
Then you hear about other people getting busted, and it's just- And then it gets closer to you, and you're like, don't snitch or whatever. Yeah, I wasn't gonna do anything.
You're burying shit. We would bury weed in our, we had like seven dime bags we were trying to sell.
I can't fucking- You got them in your mouth, your little wheelchairs. We were burying him in the yard.
It was un-fucking-believable, dude. I know.
That's why you didn't get caught, though, dude. You guys were careful.
It was breaking horrible, dude. That's who we were, dude.
It was just the dumbest fucking thing ever. I'm in the front yard just calling my buddy a f***ing fucking burying fucking a dime sacks with a trowel.
You know? I know someone who... What the f*** you're doing? I know someone who thought he was selling steroids.
And he got beat and they were just antidepressants. So he was selling them to like a bunch of people.
And they're all like, dude, they're working. I'm getting yoked.
And they were just on SSR. Oh, dude.
I feel great. Hey, man.
they felt, they did feel good. Dude, I bought some steroids once.
My girlfriend, while I was at, away from her house, I was doing something, found them, broke, and threw them all away. She took your boys? And when I got home- Did you already cycle on them? So did you, like, were you like, what the fuck? No, I think I had been on steroids at the time, and I was not happy when I got there, okay? Yeah, dude.
yeah dude it was a do not look if you find your boyfriend's steroids okay don't touch them just yeah bring it up to them do not get rid of them though because it can create a man and become violent you know i didn't but you could see how i could it could be a wild day for someone dude i'll i'll say and i this is like i i've interacted with a couple people who did the combination of coke and steroids and that's the most lethal that's like a dangerous combination oh i would and then if you're already a little bit bipolar and boom like dude those steroids the coke and your bipolar mania hit at the same time it's like that was the craziest i was out to breakfast one time with a guy like that and he ordered it was actually kind of alpha but he like we're ordering breakfast he's like oh and i'll take a muffin and can i have that immediately and I was out to breakfast one time with a guy like that. And he ordered, it was actually kind of alpha, but he like, we're ordering breakfast.
He's like, oh, and I'll take a muffin. And can I have that immediately? And I was like, damn, bro.
You just hit her with the immediately. He's like, I want that immediately.
Not even like, you know, I can have that before. He's like, I want that immediately.
An immediate muffin. It was boss energy.
It was boss energy. But it was, I remember being struck by that.
I'll have a muffin. Can I have it immediately? Can I have it immediately? A little urgency behind that behind that yeah but yeah that that's a wild combo yeah yeah how long are you on the broids for i was on and off for a few years i remember the first time i ever did um pills or did you inject shooting dang that's awesome shooting three pointers one time uh one time um my buddy sean he sold me some pills he actually passed away he died he um drowned he i think he shit he tried to hide from the police underwater no dude fucking drowned that's terrible just yeah you just can't do it yeah you know it's uh you don't think about it when you're he was so high yeah i thought i can hide underwater bro i almost passed out in a pool this summer i tried to do a back and forth in front of all my friends and i had my daughter's goggles on and they were bro they were crushing the sides of my head so hard i for real went out came up my legs were all and i was like spitting water out because i remember being like do you ever try to hold your breath super long in a pool and you start like vibrating and shit? I was feeling that.
I'm like, bro, I'm so close to getting back and forth. I got that.
And all of a sudden I black out, come to and I'm up in the water. My lungs are full.
I'm like, and then I took two more steps, passed out again, smacked my chin on the side of the pool. My friends were all just laughing.
They thought I was like fucking around until I hit myself in the pool. i was like yo i think i passed out they're like yeah dude you passed out twice yeah it was start the burgers man yeah it was terrifying dude he's called meeting the wizard that's what david goggins calls it really when they the marines like train underwater and pass out underwater bro it's up i could see like when you have people like oh he hit and drowned it's like dude if you try to hold your breath too long you can miss a window and you're just out.
Well, those Kansas City Chief fans were partying with their buddy where they left those four dudes dead on his porch or whatever. That was Fentanyl.
Weren't they doing Fentanyl, I think? It seemed like something was crazy. Yeah, I think they got Coke and they had Fentanyl.
That shit's terrifying, bro. Fuck.
That's one thing I'm happy I never got involved with. Yeah.
And everyone I know still does Coke, which I'm like is crazy. They're like, yeah, but dude, we're but dude like we're testing it i'm like no you're not dude you're telling me you're drunk at a bar you score coke and you're like hold up let's test this first like no you're not yeah you're the same type of person that mails his shit to somebody can you imagine the mail your shit you're just some dude in a fucking house just pounds of shit just showing up at your door every day you're just counting fucking money all day you're doing it in your garage like jeff bezos wife's like what the fuck dude babe i'm gonna analyze these turds let me analyze these turds babe come on i gotta fucking you know it probably just goes right to a landfill and they're like you need vitamin d and they're like thank you sir thank you i think i got tricked dude yeah testing your own oh that yeah at that point what are you having to do it's crazy yeah it's interesting um you have some tour dates coming up i saw yeah man i got a new york next week yeah i gotta go to the uh new york comedy festival the town hall that one i'm sweating that one i think it should be good but yeah be fun when you're sweating it what do you mean ticket sales it's going pretty well i gotta do that one and then capital one hall they just like they're trying me in theaters right now like clubs i feel comfortable now they're like let's do some theaters so i'm like fuck so you know just got to sell all the tickets of a weekend in one day i know it's scary yeah dude it is scary but the uh it's going all right you know it's like i don't place too much pressure it's like it is what it is i try to promote stuff but i'm not like you know if it doesn't work out that's just what it is like there's nothing i can do yeah so you know so that's coming up so i'm gonna do that and then then i get a bunch of other dates coming up till like basically like may so they're all on matt mccusker.com whatever but yeah come check it out yeah man if you want yeah and congrats you guys this podcast is still doing great dude yeah we're this is this is like the dark night of our podcast so i'm doing it i'm just holding it down dude shane's doing the tires and i've been you know i've set up a new thing now where i i have like headset mics and i stand at a podium with and i have the guest stand at a podium and it's been kind of fun.

Changes the energy when you're on your feet.

Imagine if we're on our feet this whole time.

It's a whole different energy.

Oh,

it's a good point,

huh?

And you have,

you have your hands are free.

You're just on the headset.

You're thinking you're more creative.

Move around.

I kind of like it so far.

And you're,

you have like a podium to lean on.

I can put a laptop on this under count.

And like,

you know,

if I need to look at something,

I can just kind of fun.

I'm really fucking around with it.

Yeah,

Ben good for you, man. And if you take a walk, sometimes I'll notice if i take a walk with a friend we have such a better conversation big time or if i take like one of the things i like to do now sometimes if i'm even going on a date or somebody's like let's just go take a walk it's like you kind of get to know somebody it's chill you're in motion like and you feel like you did something too when you when you like go on a walk dude and that's for me that's the best cure for when you get the mental zoomies hit the fucking road just walk it helps so much fucking walk till you're a stepdad yeah walk to that new family dude um best of luck with all the tickets man well yeah if you need a guest too if i come back man i'll have to pop in please dude please that'd be awesome i got it i got like because shane's taping in new york is that where they're taping philly yeah right in philly oh yeah i got like um gustavros is taping with him yes yeah i think he's gonna i'm gonna see him next week yeah man so i got like i think like seven more weeks of episodes record before it comes back so i've we've we've made it through so you know it's been fun it's one of those like it's been like a learning experience because it's you know it's easy we can do it we'll do it together when it was just me i was just like well fuck you know the dogs man they'll be excited whenever he gets back though oh yeah you can hear you can hear them barking they're ready they're ready they're ready trust me they're ready for him to be back uh tickets at matt mccustard.com matt good to see you man bro thank you so much yeah man have a good one too now i'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves

I must be cornerstone

Oh, but when I reach that ground

I'll share this peace of mind I found

I can feel it in my bones

But it's gonna take a little bit