E545 Stavros Halkias

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Rated M for Mature. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian.
He's a podcaster. He's an actor.
He has a new film called Let's Start a

Cult that he both co-wrote and starred in. He's got his own podcast, Stavis World, and he's one

of the hottest young comics in America. I'm grateful for his time today.
I'm grateful for

his honesty. Always, no one else I'd rather be sitting down with than Mr.
Stavros Halkias.

I know me, and I will find a song.

I've been singing just for you.

Hey, hey, whoa.

Wow. Good to see you.
Yeah, he looks so slick, huh? Thanks, man. Yeah.
Going with a slick back. Wow.
You like it, bro? Yeah. A little fucking aerodynamic.
Looks very, I'm trying to think of what it even makes me feel like. I love it.
Explore that, bro. Like a principal, maybe? Yeah, maybe.
Principal at a very unique school. We don't give grades, man.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't give grades. There's, um, shit.
I need some socks. Dude, I think it's a good look.
No. You can't throw ankles out, dude.
You can't give. I mean, I feel homeless.
I just felt some wind hit them. And my first thought was I've worked too hard.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

I got the thighs out.

I give out the whole leg for free, brother. Yeah, but you have good legs, man.

Thank you, bro.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

And do a lot of people from where you or your culture have good legs, huh?

I think so.

Yeah, I think so.

It's a leg because even the pillars, yeah, it's like that's a part of it, huh?

There's a lot of hills.

Greece is very hilly.

I think people are. The hills have thighs dude over there they really do i think that helps yeah um because you see a man like that it's like this is a structural man sound sound i am structurally sound the you're not shaking me yeah you're not shaking me bro no you won't you're not like that building 47 whatever.
No, no, no, no, no. Or whatever that is.
Seven? Was it Building 7? Which one is it that keeps falling down? Tower. Tower 7.
Tower 7. Yeah.
Yeah, the one that we can't exactly explain or something. Yeah, some guy's like, oh, it's a great time to just fucking three blocks over just to drop this one.
You're like, all right, all right doing man wouldn't have happened if it was made out of hellenic marble yeah out of some strong baklava some baklava you can't shake baklava either oh

as far as desserts go very structurally structurally sound you're right you're right

um stavros halkios dude you have a new uh movie the movie is uh let's start let's start a cult yes sir and is it kind of your new movie is it kind of like um is it like what's the is it a 12 years a slave type of thing is it a like a lincoln lawyer like what's the those are your two references or what's the arc of it you know 12 Years a Slave, which is like a serious slavery drama that won Oscars for The Lincoln Lawyer. Just a middle-of-the-road Matthew McConaughey entertaining movie.
I think it's—they're both good movies, by the way. Lincoln Lawyer, pretty good.
12 Years a Slave was a little long. They could have done it.
They could have done it in eight years. Nine years a slave.
Seven- minute slaves. We didn't need to see all 12 of the years.
Yeah, dude, come on. The last two years, it's like, we kind of get how this goes.
We get it. We get it.
But yeah, what's the story arc? You know, like, yeah, what do we expect it? Yeah, dude. So it's way less, way, way smaller for budget than those two.
Honestly, the movie is, I just love dumb ass comedies. Like the stuff we grew up on, like the Sandler, you know, Spade, Farley, you know, to Will Farrell, to all that stuff that was just like silly as shit.
You know, like the first movie I was obsessed with was Billy Madison, right? And just like goofy, technically a premise,

but it's like, would this ever happen in real life? No, but we just need, it's there to just

as like a skeleton for jokes and let's get goofy. Let's get silly.
Let's get a bunch of funny people

in it. And that's what this movie is, dude.
It was like, I just wanted, you know, I wanted the

opportunity to make something that I loved. And like, I don't consider myself an actor.
I'm a fucking comic and comedy movies,

I think are an extension of just like,

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like, like, like, like, not like amistad or like um trying to get something else i've no, no. I don't know what's going on with your references.
No, sorry. Amadeus, maybe? No, Bridges Over Madison County or whatever like that.
Sure, sure. I didn't see that one.
The Bridge to Terabithia. Oh, you saw that one, huh? That's a child's movie.
I saw that as a kid. It's about a...
It's a... Something happens to somebody I remember.
I haven't seen it since I was a child. Is it like a allegory for something wrong? Well, someone's handicapped something.
I remember somebody was trying to do the life of Jesse, Bridges to Terabithia, and adolescent changes when he befriends Leslie, the class outside of the children created an imaginary world called Terabithia, which is inhabited by all manner of magical creatures. Right, so basically, no, it's not like that either.
It's not like the priest of Terabithia. Yeah.
So, okay. So it's not like that.
It's just fun, dude. And I think like- Funny movie, good comedy.
Funny, you turn your brain off, no lessons. You're not going to be a better, you're not going to be a better or worse person.
Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You're just going to have a good time.
You're just, you can get high as fuck. You I mean like yeah you can you can make some popcorn yeah you won't miss plot points you might want to go back and miss and see if you missed a joke but you get the movie right you know what I mean the whole point is like the basically the like bullet point is what if a guy was so annoying his cult committed suicide without him like they left him out of the left him out of the final ritual and then he tries to start up his new his own cult and that's the like and so i'm just i'm that guy i'm the fucking annoying idiot who's just like you know with a heart of gold classics classic comedy shit yeah and i just like you know we meet a bunch of funny people we have really funny comics in it bobby kelly is in it for a little bit.
Tom Papa's in it for a little bit. You know, a lot of really funny, just like Wes Haney, who is the, who co-wrote it with me and Ben Kittnick.
It was basically like me and my friends got a chance to make a movie and I was like, yeah, fuck it. What the fuck? Like no one, no one lets him, no one lets, no one lets me star in a movie.
You know what I mean? So you just got to do it. So yeah, it's nice to have a movie where it sounds like you just can just go look at a movie.
Go look at a movie. And the jokes are like, I'm not, I'm not trying to make any commentary on anything.
I'm just trying to make you laugh. And it's like that it has been, even some of my favorite movies, like towards the end, they all kind of had weird lessons or they just kind of got like even 40 year old virgin.
It's weirdly like an allegory for virginity and like saving yourself. You can read into a lot of those movies.
You cannot read into this movie. There is nothing.
There is no subtext. It's a fat.
It's a lovable fat guy getting into hijinks for 89 minutes. Not even 90.
Nice. You'll be out.
You'll be out. And if you fast forward through the credits, we get that to 87 and a half.
Yeah. That's what I'm talking about, huh? So that's.
Nothing like a thick guy coming in short, you know? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
Okay. So I get the movie and they, we, they need good comedy.
It's like, you need them. Yeah.
It's like you go to a thing now and it's like yeah some stuff it doesn't even make you laugh like what is this about or whatever and then like everybody at the end is kind of like handicapped or something like what is this you know it's like elliot gets a rainbow or something like what is this it's not you know and it's like the guy always has a heart transplant but his new heart is um right like it's yeah it's like a libertarian or something so now he's like i'm gonna kill myself yeah because i would rather i would rather die than have a heart that's against public school systems or something you know no one will be committing seppuku at the end of this movie for their political points it's called it's called homeschool heart that movie it's a movie where somebody gets our transplant and that heart right was a homeschool teacher was a homeschool yeah that would be fun yeah yeah it's either it's either it's like both it's like and even independent movies it's like i don't know because i and you know i'd love just more comedy stuff too, but. Yeah.
But this is interesting because it's a new time where someone is making their own film. Well, that's, that's the thing, dude.
It's like, I don't know how you feel, but I feel like I hit the jackpot of all jackpots, right? Like I never thought I'd be fucking podcasting. You know what I mean? Like I wanted to just do comedy.
I never thought I would have to like build my own fan base to just like make a living and then like got really lucky. And, and like, so when you get lucky, what do you do with it? And it's like, I've never been the kind of person that just wants to chase.
I don't want to get super famous. I don't want to get super rich.
I want to be able to make the stuff I fucking love. And like, that's what this was.
It's like, I think, you know, there's some people who like, we have a chance, like building our own fan bases where it's like, we can make what we like. And instead of trying to desperately get into like a mainstream studio system or, you know, not that I won't make a fucking, you know, so, you know, studio wants to make a movie, I'd love to do it.
But instead of like waiting for years, like I think, I don't know, I think a bunch of like a generation of comics found out you can go through the internet, make up a fan base. And then it's like, what do you want to do with it? And for me, it's like, let me just fucking do make a fucking movie.
Like no, the way no one, the way no one, it's stupid that I get to like sell out theaters it's stupid i get to make movies but that's what i want to fucking do and instead of just like being broke and trying to be an actor and all this other shit it was like i know at least some people will see it my fans will see it hopefully you know some of your fans will see it like that's the cool thing about building like a network where it's like you just hit up your friends it's like i'm not on i got on npr because the lady liked my mood what like a lady on the weekend thing liked my movie but it's like we don't even have a mainstream way to to put it out there so i don't know man i just think it's cool and it would be sick if people just started doing that shit if you started doing whatever you're passionate about because you have this fan base and you've built your own thing and yeah tires is like that that was really inspiring that was that was the best thing yeah that was one something amazing about tires it was like you heard jokes on there for the first time there was jokes about everybody yeah and it was just normal stuff you would probably hear at a very alarming rubber shop yeah yeah it's a bad time you're like god this place exactly and it's like no one's saying that that's the only comedy that has to exist you know what i mean i want to see shit from everybody but it's like go make your own shit everybody gets to make their own shit so that's why my version of that is just like a goofy ass uh let's start a cult let's start a cult and it's on vod you can rent it uh rent it or buy it right you can do that right now by the time this is out it'll be you can go rent it you can go right now they can get it yeah and it's like and it's like and so vod like what is that so i know it means video on the man but where like what does that apple amazon just wherever you rent you can go to amazon yeah yeah put in let's start a cult and you can watch a movie exactly and now what's that price point how do y'all figure that i don't actually know but hopefully low i'm trying to get it out there i was i was i'm trying to get there what do you mean low need you talking 9.99 yeah probably maybe lower even than that well that's yeah i just want people to see it yeah but you don't want yeah yeah i get that but you're right i think probably 9.99 if somebody's like i can get this i can get some mac nuggets it's not that they're gonna debate between the two yeah yeah yeah but then they're kind of like hey i want both want both for $14.99. Right.
So you kind of want to fit in there. Maybe we should talk to McDonald's.
We could do a tie-in. Remember those glass cups for Batman? You remember those, dude? Those were sick.
Uh-uh. Oh, Batman.
I believe Batman Forever, which was not a good movie. It was like the Jim Carrey.
Oh, I forgot that he was Batman. No, no.
He was the Riddler. Oh, he was the Ridd the riddler yeah yeah they had those glass cups oh wait with those yes oh you remember those dude oh yeah i had the fuck out of those like the two-faced ones but one loser shattered one of those in the fucking ball pit and ruined it yeah oh people were dealing with that yeah that one that was a iconic one the tommy.
The Tommy Lee Jones one, that movie was fucking awesome. And the one after it with Mr.
Freeze was even more awesome. They had Joel Schumacher, who was just like the gayest guy of all time.
He's the man. He's a great director, but he made it fun as shit.
Like those movies sucked coming off the Tim Burton Batmans. Cause they were like, went from dark and like moody and kind of cool and comic booky to like truly the campiest it was like essentially batman going to like drag brunch yeah and like people weren't ready for that now but throw those on now you'll have a great time you'll be like wow this is so over the top but it's fun dude you know what i mean like they got jacked guys they got sexy ladies just parading around it's it's very fun alicia silver Batgirl.
Oh, I remember her. She's looking pretty good.
When did this happen? Because I saw the one with Hugh Ledger. Heath Ledger? Heath Ledger.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I saw the one where it was like the two old guys in the cave running around, you know? Remember that one? I don't remember that one.
Batman and Robin. Batman versus Superman? No.
Were they likeman no like a rock or something and robin yeah can you bring that up oh you mean like the old ass ones yeah the one where they're like running around in the same cave over and over again with adam west yeah and one of the guys oh there you go yeah and one of the guys like i'm batman the other guy was like i'm just here you know yeah i'm here for the party. That guy.
Well, they, they were actually part Adam West was absolutely getting pussy in this era. He was like, he's like notorious for fucking and sucking.
Really? Yeah. And I believe.
With men too? I don't think men. Is that long pussy? Is that what man ass is? Is that this long pussy? I think they call it that i mean because dude if you look at it they're you know wiener wiener is just long pussy oh you mean the dick is long pussy like an inverted okay i thought you were the ass oh yeah dude a wiener is just like a push that's reaching for something look at this guy now this just looks like any uh this looks like it's awesome he refused to shave his mustache so they just painted it over this is how little they gave a fuck about the batman tv show the guy was like i'm not shaving my mustache they're like we don't give a fuck man He's like, I got to play tennis tomorrow.
I'm not shaving this fucking thing.

But Burgess. mustache they're like we don't give a fuck man he's like i gotta play tennis tomorrow not shaving this fucking thing but burgess meredith who played um the penguin in this and also played mickey and rocky i believe him and adam west were absolute coos hounds yeah they were just fucking so much in these in these times i and by that i mean i saw one tiktok about it and i love to think of that well they didn't even have condoms at this time did they i don't believe so when did condoms really start probably had them but they weren't using them you think there was like a luxury good it was like a fancy thing because they had they probably had like i bet you ain't like ain't cavemen were like putting their dick in like sheep's like intestines not to have children at a certain point.

Oh, just to get it out of their system?

I think they just figured out condoms pretty quick.

Condoms have been used for centuries but became more popular at different times for different reasons.

18th century, condoms became more well-known and the market grew despite opposition.

Opposition to condoms.

That was the first time the church was like, this is unnatural. I absolutely, yeah.
The church was against them. I promise you the church was against them because they got a nut.
The whole point of life is procreation. Right.
So for them. And Mother Nature was probably against it.
Nature has to be, because nature wants things to have sex. Sure.
Right? That's what nature needs that. Yeah.
So I wonder if nature put that in the minds of people, like we can't stop it. Yes.
You mean like. Like mother nature planted that thought into your head.
Or she's not going to let that not like that's her only goal. Right.
It's to smash and party. But is it, is it people though? Cause people were doing her harm.
Maybe mother nature mother nature wanted condoms so rabbits so rabbits and plants and shit could fuck and bring back you know the because we're fucking polluting especially if this is the 18th century mother nature probably she the industrial revolution happens we start polluting shit yeah she's like these motherfuckers are no good yeah you got to get we got to get them out of here we got to get them nutting inside of plastic bags inside of pussies instead of free and clear. Yeah, that's a good point.
You know? Yeah, it started to become sort of this. Oh, look at this.
It was like blue blockers for pussy kind of, or for sex, you know? 19th century. Oh, wait, go on.
What were you going to say? Despite opposition, they were sold in pubs, theaters, and barbershops. Barbershops.
When the lineup's so crispy, you know you're going to get pussy. You're like, now this.
That's a good marketing ploy. It is, huh? You're going to need one of these, pal.
I lined you up so nice. Good day, sir.
And then you get a bad cut and the guy's like, ah, you're to do it. We'll say this.
We don't have enough. We have eight for the whole city.
And by the way, wash it out and tie it back up when you're done. These things are expensive.
I know. You see them on the clothesline? Those are the days.
Don't nut in it too much. I know.
Hey, come on over. I stole my neighbor's condom, yeah we'll go half on going half on a condom with your boy tonight tonight judy be like dude jack off before you fuck yeah you don't i don't want the first night of the day going in this thing we need the second the weaker one goes in this one we gotta we gotta uh we gotta keep the foundation intact on this thing yeah yeah yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The thing can't handle, it can only handle about seven PSI. It's not rated for the first none of the day loads.
It's not rated for that. That's crazy.
In the 19th century, it says rubber condoms became popular. However, condom use was mainly limited to the upper class due to a lack of sexual education.

Yep.

And the working class is, wow.

That makes sense.

Oh, for sure.

Like these people can barely, you know, if this guy's making shoes all day.

Yeah, he's cobbling.

Yeah, he's cobbling.

Or would cobbling be like a hierarchy job, you think?

Oh, you mean they're in the shoe factory?

The cobbler is kind of a-

An artisan. A bespoke, yes, artisan.
You're right. Yeah, yeah.
He's probably somewhere in between the two. 19th century, so we're talking the 1800s.
You still got both. You still got comblers and shoe factory workers.
They wouldn't let them have condoms? It's a little bit of both, I would say, where it's like the education keeps them not understanding how useful it is. So the working class has kids.
Working class women have to have kids earlier. They're trapped.
They don't get to fucking, you know. I mean, it's a classic thing.
The working class always gets tricked in this fucking, in all of human history. While the fucking, the barons fucking suck.
You know what I mean? They're on their fucking couches. They're on their chaise lounges.
Yes. You know what I mean? The factory workers, they don't know any better.
But then they're just letting them have sex and make more factory workers, which seems bizarre. Well, that's good for, again, the upper classes.
They want disposable working class people in shitty living conditions. What do they care? Right.
And so if people have more kids, it keeps them in poverty because then they have to spend to take care of the children. And they get workers and then wages go lower right so you know keep them going keep condoms just for the rich yeah condoms in 1950s and 1960s condoms became a popular birth control method with 42 percent of americans of reproductive age using them for birth control between 1955 and 65.
so that's about when we're to bring it full circle circle, that's when Batman, I believe the first Batman was shot. So they probably mixed it up.
They probably had condoms, but those guys look like raw doggers to me. I think Adam West, can we do a little research on Adam West's sexual history? Yeah, bring that up.
I think Adam West and Burgess Meredith, they're old school guys. They're not putting on condoms unless absolutely necessary.
What do you say? Well, look at this. Adam West.
I think Adam West and Burgess Meredith, they're old school guys. They're not putting on condoms unless absolutely necessary.
What do you say? Well, look at this. Adam West.
His stories of romantic conquests, including the infamous night with eight women. Wow.
Have become the, yeah, this man. Part of lore surrounding his life and career.
While some might view West's candid revelations with a mixture of astonishment and disbelief, they also offer a glimpse into the complexities of living under the spotlight yeah oh wow sounds bad real tough got to fucking suck before smartphones yeah lord knows what adam west was up there was no way he was well he had that bat phone didn't he sure hey what's that he used it to get head oh, give me the woman with the largest tits in Gotham ASAP.

Bring her over to my trailer.

You got it, Batman.

He just shines that bat light just across into his neighbor's apartment.

It's his fucking dick.

He has a bat light, but he also has a dick light.

I don't know whether he's horny or not.

Bam.

Squish. not squish the crazy part was when they would like they had to run like this or something yeah yeah yeah well they would go up a wall yeah they're pretending to go up a wall and they literally just put the camera up sideways yeah it's pretty fun to watch it yeah we need more stuff like that but you know we just need more stuff that's entertainment more goofy bullshit yeah and no we did not have as much sex on the i don't yeah is there a love story is there a love arc in there there you know i will say there is a there is a sex scene really there is a sex scene it's and it was probably my favorite i wrote the movie like i said with my friends and so of course you write in a sex scene dude i used to yeah i used to have acting class and i would just like we'd have to do scenes and stuff and i would always bring a scene where there's like possible making out that's hilarious and sometimes it would just be like two people are walking and they're in an argument and then for no reason they kiss or whatever you wrote it and chicks are always like this is crazy yeah Like, yeah, it is, dude.
Janet presses her tits against Mark vigorously.

Yeah.

They're like, Tio, don't put, don't add actions, please.

I just think it should be clear.

Yeah.

I think it should be clear it's a vigorous tit press.

Yeah.

It was, I had to, I had to. Now, you had a had a sex scene wow first one you've ever done like in a film or something yeah yeah i think it was i mean without hiding your phone on a cabinet across the room without being like oh yeah i don't know why that teddy bear is blinking red that's weird yeah i'm gonna go turn it off then you just put a fucking piece of black masking tape over it yeah um i'm trying to think because i will yeah how did you think was that a nervous day it was weird man so yeah there is a section it's and i don't want to spoil too much but it's a wild one and i will say uh there there was an intimacy coordinator and that's the person I felt bad for the most because this person's job is if you're ahead of a nude scene.
And so if you're nude, some lady has to put a little like a rubber triangle around your dick and balls. Really? Like one of those bibs you get at a crab joint? Yeah.
It has a lobster with a fork and a knife in its claws printed on it. It is honestly not that far off from that, though.
It is just like a plastic thong, essentially. No, and so you're naked that day? Yeah, perhaps I am.
Wow. Perhaps I am.
I'd be so nervous. Yeah, I mean, it sucked, and it's like, you know.
And the person's naked? The woman? I won't divulge who. I'll just say I'm naked.
Okay. You know, that's, you know.
And so I'm definitely nude. And a woman has to tape, literally tape my dick and balls to this fucking thing.
Because you want to look naked, but you don't want people to have to look at my dick the whole day so yeah you want to put like a plastic sheet over it but this woman's job anytime that thing like slipped she had to just like get in there just this poor lady man really she had to re-tape my shit up and she's just like cutting edge with it huh and she's it's like the way like uh you know they would they would tape up your ankles at a high school football game. She had the same demeanor.
It's just like a grizzled, you know, you're going to be fine. Yeah.
I've seen worse. Yeah.
He's a couple M&Ms. It was tough, but wow.
No, dude, I fucking. So there's a lot of little layers in the film, huh? Yeah.
There's a lot of, a lot of, you know, anything again, anything for a laugh. And I wanted, you might never get a chance to make a movie again.
So it's like, let's fucking, let's leave it all out there. You know what I mean? And so, and the way there is always, I love, again, I used to love when there was over the top sex scenes in those movies we're talking about.
So I was like, let's put one of those. And there's some physical, other physical stuff.
I had to run a lot, which is hilarious. I didn't think about it.
Yeah. Any acrobatics or anything for you? I wish next time, dude.
Next time I'm going to fucking spend a year learning how to do a backflip. Yeah.
Or the cartwheel that never stops. Yeah.
That would be sick. That Greek cartwheel.
That would be awesome. Just fucking rattle that bitch.
Just eliminate the Albanians with it. I would love that yeah that's just a joke albanian that's just a joke albanian that's just a joke yeah yeah

one of my dear friends that's the the classic racist thing to say my best friend is albanian

which is actually true in my case but it's like the classic um what was that what and what was

the budget of the film what does it cost it was it was 750k wow yeah so it was it started at like 200k and we did it with i want to say you know dark sky uh dark sky films it's like it's a smaller production company they've actually they've done a lot of cool shit a lot of cool horror movies and stuff but lower budget stuff and they were just fucking awesome uh to work with they just saw a short that we did and they thought we were going to write like a one location because the short takes place in one place but we were like if you're gonna let us make a movie we're gonna fucking there's gonna be wild shit in it yeah and so we pretty much pushed it to the the amount because it's such a weird you also learn so much about this kind of shit where it's like if you go over what'd you learn what was the one thing you learned you like well i mean i interrupt you if you go over what no no like one of the things i learned is that like you can't really go over a certain budget because then everything becomes more expensive and you have to like you have to get like more just like for you know union reasons you have to get more people involved it becomes like a harder job whereas like the lower budget you make a movie they kind of allow you to like a lot of people can do different jobs you can you know obviously you have to follow certain rules and you can't overwork people but um there was basically like a limit where they're like look if you spend any more than this we have to pay all the actors more we have to pay everybody else more and you know we pretty much lost i mean i lost money so you put some of your money in no but like just not working i took i like canceled dates i like yeah you know what i mean and it was your time cost yeah totally totally and like and i'll probably lose money just like traveling to promote it and stuff like that but again who gives a fuck it's about making cool shit and it's like i'm not starting for money, but yeah, you just learn a bunch of, you know,

and you also think like,

you think a movie is going to be like this fucking actors

fucking talking about each scene and shit like that.

And they're like, dude, we have fucking 12 minutes to get this.

And, oh, it's actually the most crucial scene in the movie.

Well, good luck.

And this dog has to be asleep in a half hour.

And you're like, what?

We're putting the dog down. We're putting the dog down unless you nail this scene i'm like huh yeah it's just cheaper to put them down union rules i don't know bro either nail the scene or the fucking shih tzu gets it oh i didn't want to kill a dog you shouldn't have fucked with the team stuff do you think you'd be able to make your money back? I think so.
We did pretty well. You know, we didn't do crazy.
We had a release in theaters just because I just think it's important to see. Yeah, no.
Well, this is, that's what's amazing about it. It's this, you know, like we had Kevin Smith on and he's done this, you know.
But now it's certainly that there are creators that have their own world and they want to make a film sometimes, you know, like me and Spade wrote a movie and we have a chance to do it. Right.
And so we're finally going to do it. And it just took forever to get it together.
And like nobody in Hollywood wants to finance or anything, but it's cool to see people just making their own stuff. And so that's why I called you even last week.
And I was like, Hey, tell me about want to know because it's just brave you're trying something thanks man yeah and it's um and it's yeah what you want to do nobody can kind of tell you what's supposed to be on the script the only limitation was budget and for me i think that's so much that's so much cooler and you get to actually be an artist about it not to fucking suck my own dick it's a movie about you know a fat know, a fat guy and you see my nuts in it. It's not like I'm fucking, again, we're not making.
You see both your nuts in the movie? I will also mention this. They didn't let me show my real nuts, which is a big problem for me.
Well, how much is it? Because the nuts looked little. And I have pretty nice nuts.
Foundation. I have a nice foundation.
Truly, the dick is more of an ornamental piece. Yeah.
But it's like the little star at the top. The dick is the nose.
The lung. The dick is the nose.
The nuts are the lungs. Absolutely.
They go deep. Oh.
They go deep. They go deep and they're full.
Yeah. Deep breath, let's just say.
Lungs are the heavens, brother. Yeah, yeah.
I got Michael Phelps' lungs. Nice capacity on those lungs.
N so much cute little button nose michael yeah dude more of a yeah it's nothing a snowman no it's not a michael imperioli nose it's uh it's very yeah it's almost like a burn victim nose yeah right right right right again yeah you know shaved off they've made it out of a little ankle bone. They took a little ankle bone.
They're like, look, we'll do our best. Yeah, it's kind of a Voldemort situation.
Kind of more of a cat's nose. I've got a penis like a cat's nose, you know? It's cold and wet.
Yeah, I mean, I guess this kind of... Cold and wet, it stays up all night.
It stays up all night. Yeah, yeah.
Wander the streets. It'll bother you.
It'll bother you all night. Yeah, it'll fucking...
Yeah. It'll fucking bat your eyes out of your face while you're resting.
It'll keep nudging you until you give it a little attention. It'll a jingle bell to death on your christmas tree um wow but yeah but i didn't get to show my real nuts which is a prop but again these are the artistic sacrifices we have to make sometimes yeah both know on prop 24 you know whatever yeah yeah yeah absolutely yeah but that is crazy and there's michael phelps has small nuts you cannot not i bet he, I bet you he's got a nice pair.
He's a large guy. He's a huge guy, though.
Not to the fucking. They show, okay.
You can have big back tires on a fucking swimmer? I think he's got a nice pair, dude. No, he doesn't.
Look at this. Nah, I will not.
I bet you he's tucked them underneath his ass. You have to almost tie them into your ass or something.
There is. There is.
Okay. they tried like wow look at that he's fucking jacked he's probably got a i mean he's a big dude he's got a nice pair now i would say probably you know size to size pound for pound i think i have pretty nice nuts oh yeah and not weight i'm talking about frame okay we're not gonna go we're talking about what my body should be on the on the because nuts that's a big disadvantage for the fat man titties get bigger the fatter you get dick and balls stay the same size is that true absolutely dick um my dick got plumper the fatter i got that's almost beautiful this time of year yeah yeah the leaves change the dicks the nuts are getting plumper with every slice of pumpkin pie every helping of squash your fucking dick gets a little bigger no if your dick got bigger the fatter you are i would be 800 pounds you would have like feeders trying to get dicks as big as possible yeah which doesn't happen so um but yeah i think you want those smaller nuts you want less less drag if you're a swimmer.
That's not a big thing. You want those Roy Jones Juniors, you know? Dude, why don't they have Roy Jones Junior mints? That's a great idea.
Roy Jones Junior mints. You've been kidding anymore.
Yep. They'll knock out bad breath.
Yeah. Done and done, dude.
Yeah, something chocolatey that knocks out bad breath. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love that. Just a hint of chocolate.
Oh oh um well so that movie is out now people go check it out yeah please go see please please go see it and that's relations man thank you dude and yeah i think it's you know so it's cool to support you know it's obviously my movie i i believe it i believe in it a lot but it's like anytime creative people that you like make shit outside of a system i think it's kind of important to go support that shit yeah well it's kind of like a new realm you know and also some movies that are billion dollar movies are horrible there was one ryan gosling with and my mom and i went and saw it was horrible yeah i went and saw something the other night it was um a chance in time or something can you look it up for for me? We live in time. There you go.
Well, here's what I don't love about- Is that bad? That looks, I like those actors. It was sweet.
It was cute. But every shot was so close on their faces.
After a while, you're like, where's all the money they spent on set? You can't even see the set. So what starts to happen for me, I movies is they shoot things so tight nowadays right like it's just this yeah right and your brain there's

no like your imagination if there's more going on your imagination has to process things on the

screen yeah so your imagination is interested in what's going on but if there's nothing to even

really think about it's so dumbed down everything is this tight you're not you're just kind of like

Thank you. is interested in what's going on.
But if there's nothing to even really think about, it's so dumbed down. Everything is this tight.
You're not, you're just kind of like, you just start to lose interest because I think there's a part of you that's not working, you know? It's like when they shoot comedies now, it's like they shoot everything so tight and it's just about, you don't see people's body language stuff. They just, I feel like they miss out on a lot of things just because they think we need it to be so simple.
Yeah. Well, I think that is another thing that I learned about movies, which I didn't think about at all, is that it is such a visual.
You think it's about the writing. You think it's about your jokes, especially being a comic.
You're like, it's all about the writing. It's all about the jokes.
And you don't think about like, it's a visual medium. It's like a bunch of interesting pictures strung together.
Ultimately is what it is. And it was interesting to like, like talk to our cinematographer and a scene that I thought was like pretty straightforward, just two people talking kind of what you're describing just faces.
He's like, nah, let's fucking play it. Why don't you guys lean on the car? Why don't we make it a little more interesting? And like, that was a fucking sick part of it to like, yeah, cause you don't think about that.
I just think about the jokes and i just think about my words getting laughs and then it's cool to watch a movie and be like oh you just do something with your face and that's a laugh and you just fucking you run funny and that's a laugh you know what i mean and it's like that was a cool thing again i love comedy so much and i'm just trying to figure out every way to be funny and i think like yeah, yeah, what you're saying of like making it interesting, having the visuals being really interesting. That's a huge, a huge, again, it's a cool learning experience.
And that's what I, I don't know if you feel this way, but it's like, that's the nice thing about, about like learning you shit is just, how can we be funny? And like the, the time I felt the most engaged in my life was like when I was an open mic or learning how to do comedy. And it's cool to get the chance to make a movie and like feel like, I don't know, dick.
I'm a fucking dumb as shit. Like let's figure out how to make all this stuff.
Yeah, I'm a recovering Greek. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh no, I'm fucking, I'll never kick that. I had a Yido yesterday, bro.

I had such a kick yesterday, dude.

I'll never.

Sorry, man.

I thought you had some time under your belt.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know, sometimes I put on them nighttime underpants.

You know what I'm talking about.

Because who sleeps naked, baby?

A criminal, that's who.

Not I.

Tommy John's. That's what I'm wearing.

I'll see on right now. I'll put them all over myself.
What I love about them is the waistband isn't super tight on them. Some underpants, you get them the waistband so tight.
So I have one sip of water and then I got to go pee-pee. I don't like doing that.
Tommy John lets you feel comfortable and casual inside of your own skin.

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That'sl-u-e-c-h-e-w.com promo code theo to receive your first month free visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information and we thank bluechew for sponsoring the podcast let's you also you have an annual calendar due which is pretty crazy and is that is that coming out that's out now yeah that's out now yes the 2025 oh it's already out it's all you can already buy it the 2025 look at the calf on this guy like that dude look at the it's popping kettlebell you're hiding it's popping brother yeah wow you got that rogan head down there nuts and calves that's all I got. Oh.
Nuts and calves. And you know.

Oh.

You know.

And is this real?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm on fucking Mount Everest right there.

That's me.

That's some beautiful.

Some of it's real.

Some of it is the work of my brilliant producer, Benjamin Buttcheeks.

Benny Buttcheeks.

Ben O'Brien, who also directed my special.

He helps me with the calendar as well. That's Squirtember, of course.
The Get Headsby, that's you right there. Wow.
Now, if you zoom in on those, there's a lot of fun in the background. A lot of fun things to see, right? The set, right? It adds to it.
Moby Cock. Do you- Less Jizzables.
Wow. Oh, the different books on that bookshelf? A lot of Easter eggs in here.
A lot of Easter eggs. A lot of Easter eggs.
And then we have Halloween right there. Oh yeah.
And this is very Chelsea Lynn. You guys, she has a calendar as well.
I, yes, I saw that she had that. I've been, I, uh, I've been doing a nude.
This was the first thing that was successful in my career before I had anything going on.

I sold a nude calendar when I was like,

basically a feature.

I was opening for Bobby Kelly.

And dude, this was the first thing that ever made me money.

I've been doing a calendar for legitimately,

probably I think nine years.

Really?

Yeah.

And I used to print them myself.

I used to sell them out of my fucking Honda Civic.

And now it's like,

and now it makes a shit ton of money.

But I would make like a couple,

like back in the day,

I'm for sure. Like I had no, just like sell it out of the back of my fucking trunk at like, I would be headlining shitty little fucking, you know, like a restaurant in Frederick, Maryland.
Oh, it'd just be 12 Polaroids of your cock or whatever. And you just wrote a different month on each one you're like but what if you only had 11 polaroids it's like january february spring june july august um do you ever audition other men to be in it because i was wondering if there should be more i mean you do a great right? Thank you.
But would there ever be the possibility to creating something around the idea of getting other men in there? Interesting. A diversity of body types.
Yeah. I don't know.
I've never considered. I did think at one point to get, to make it like a collaborative calendar where every month there's like a guest that's a different type of person, you know, like maybe men, maybe women, some non-binary motherfuckers, just some different body types.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get them all.
Barbecue lovers, whatever. Yeah, yeah.
For sure. Some centaurs, some- Oh, yeah.
Just half- Short legs. Yep, yep.
Long life. Short legs.
That is true. The taller you are, the quicker you die.
Is it? That's what I'm saying. Timber! Yeah, short people live longer.
Bring them down! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enjoy all that pussy 6'6", guys.
Yeah. Yeah.
Must be nice, dude. Now, I'm not going to go into the obesity metrics right now.
We're just going to keep it. We're just going to keep it just on height.
I'm going to take my wins where I can get them, brother. This ain't about me, dude.
This is not about me. Some people say fat.
Some people say foundational. That's right.
A good foundation. You're not knocking me over in the wind.
It would be cool if you got guys on there. Just get like, you could get a lot of union workers.
Sure. I would love to get, yeah, you're right.
I should get, lay them down, put some grapes on their chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Dude, grapes will, that'll fucking, that'll Greek out any union worker. Sure.
I think they're close. I think you show them a little, you know, any of the most hard edged union worker, you show them a little bit of the forbidden fruit of what it can be like to be, to be a fat, uh, you know, just you, they would trade in a heartbeat.
some Rubenesque cement. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Absolutely. That's what we should, that's what we should figure out here.
We should set up a situation where it's like, look, we got the Ms coming in. Yeah.
We're not going to be able to fuck everybody who wants to fuck us. We don't want to fuck.
Everybody wants to fuck us. Right? What do you mean? What are you saying? I'm saying both of us, I feel like have, I'm sure you're, I don't check my DMs too much.
I'm with DMs coming in. DMs.
I'm saying. I'll say there's women you can date.
Young ladies that want to, you know, are attracted to a style of guy. Older ladies.
So across the board, we're not going to fuck all of them. We should be able to find, in my case, Rubenesque, you know, union workers.
In your case, I don't, you know, I don't know exactly know guys that run rehabs or, you know, like guys that run rehabs or I don't know exactly. I've been offered a couple of free 30-day stays, I'll tell you that.
But, you know, little mullet guys, you know i mean uh theo style gentlemen yeah neighbors of farmers yeah neighbors of far yeah they don't do any any farming themselves but they got the same zip code they got farmland zip code but they don't own a tractor oh but they'll sit on their porch and look at the other guy's place and be like oh look at these soil You know? over there you know so yeah there's yeah we should be able to to hand them off yes some of the dms that's all i'm saying i think that would be a nice thing to do yeah yeah like donate a dm to someone donate a dm almost like create love connections you know oh i would love to see a dating site if you would put one together i'd love to do that i'd love to host a dating a dating show, actually. That would be awesome.
You'd be so good at it. That would be awesome.
That could be maybe your next movie. You host a dating show and then you find love somehow.
I love that. A little romantic comedy.
Yeah, I remember you saying one time about like one of the reasons that you got on a comedy was for dating, right? A lot of guys. Purely.
Without question. Okay.
And I think maybe- And is that still a good reason? Do you feel like, like, what's that evolved like a little bit? You know, or bit you know or to get laid like does that work you know and what's the dangers also of having sex in some places some regions of the country the regional dangers of coitus yeah i'm just saying if you're ever in the bus belt you know well you can't let it fly like adam west used to that's i'm definitely using condoms i'll put it that way. I guess the dangers of the bus, you don't want to fly like Adam West used to.
I'm definitely using condoms.

I'll put it that way.

I guess the dangers of the bus, you don't want to get stuck in the bus belt.

You can have a nice visit, but you don't want to be a father that has to check in,

court ordered once a month at the bus belt.

That's the biggest danger.

Especially if it's a layover to get to your child.

How many children lose out on a father because there's a layover? because uh jet blue doesn't want to fucking fly direct to akron oh dude and we just used akron in a joke last week which is crazy that you did as well we did we did the same night yeah yeah we were there at the same that was that's why i thought of it that was fun as shit it was fun but yeah what are the side effects now as you see that you've now as you see that? You've been out in the world over there, you know, glazing. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
You know, glazing the different- Literal glazing, not the metaphorical, like sort of pumping somebody up. Yeah, yeah.
You mean actually glazing? Yeah, just- Sure. Yeah, or, you know, whatever they call it.
Letting it fly? Yeah, filling the- you know, doing the manicotti or whatever. Yeah, filling the manicotti up.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, or whatever they call it. Letting it fly.
Yeah, filling the manicotti or whatever. Yeah, filling the manicotti up.
Yeah. Filling up the manicotti.
Yeah. You've been more, you know.
Creaming the cannoli. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. I got you, brother.
But yeah, and what does it look like over time, do you feel like? Oh. Because that gets big.
not good. Not good at all.
I mean, that's something I'm facing kind of, I don't know if it's head on. I don't know if I, it's one of those things.
There's a couple of things remaining in my life that I feel like I need to conquer. And that's long-term health.
Like I have, I took a lot of time off and I lost some weight this year i lost like 45 pounds but in the month that i've been shooting tires promoting the movie doing stand-up again fucking i've gained 10 pounds you know really yeah because you look more organized your body does thank you yeah yeah yeah it was a it was a mess before it was like uh when you go remember when you just that show where they would open up random uh storage units yeah that's kind of what my body was like you never knew once the shirt comes off you don't know what you're gonna get you know what i mean there's a little more now you open up a storage unit at least it's got some rusty shelves that all the all the all the stuff is in in little boxes curios it's a cabinet of curios there's a little something you know absolutely uh i've been working out and so i still am lifting weights and stuff and i feel better i i literally city biked over here from from queens uh yeah because you're a little wet when you got here i'm this guy i had a sweat i was i was fucking city biking listening to sexy red you know the in sexy we trust a lot of bangers on that nothing like listening to bad bitches when you're working out in my experience because

it puts me in that in that headspace you know oh of that like you know there's something a little more there's something a little more um you know sure i love she's back honestly the one about the uh the gentleman being outside i don't remember which uh i don't remember which one it is it's sort of like a, you know, an anthem for the gals to get ready. Maybe it's outside.
Outside. Outside, yeah.
It's basically a song about, hey, gals, you know, look real hot. There's a bunch of sexy gentlemen outside.
And even though I don't want to fuck the guys, I could gender flip that and be like, fellas yeah there's whores to be gotten let's

fucking put on our nice shirt let's get out there there's opportunity there's opportunity to be

gotten yeah because i'll go in the bathroom sometimes at a bar and there'll be guys in

there and i'll yell like fucking piss and get back out there boys yeah come on you've been shut you've

been shut down three times in a row actually maybe go home and now that i think of it

you're kind of fucking the vibes up i just thought about it for a second please leave

I love it. actually maybe go home and now that i think of it you're kind of fucking the vibes up i just thought about it for a second please leave both the ratio and the vibes are being fucked up by you i'm more like a like a you pisses s grant when i'm in there i'll just start telling you rally the boys yeah get back out there what do you mean what do you mean you coked up your little quid Yeah,, yeah, yeah.
What do you mean there's no way your dick works? Remember people used to slap people like that? That, I really want to do that once in my life. Like the three stoogies? You could be in one of the three stoogies, brother.
Absolutely. I would love to.
I would love to do some physical comedy. Yeah.
But I would also love to bring one of my friends to his senses when he's having a psychotic break with a nice, get together man that would feel awesome yeah yeah get stuff together man the markets are closed yeah and that's all it used to take yeah you didn't have to send someone to a fucking mental institution you slap them once in a public street simpler times different now did he go home and hit his wife not deal with any of the mental issues probably we can't say we don't know maybe it is better again on second thought there wasn't a lot of accurate reporting right we don't know the numbers do you what was that like taking a year you took a year off stand-up yeah was it a year it was about six months but yeah i didn't tour from february until i had like one date but you still practice or no no i was i didn't i didn't do any stand-up um and it was it was fun the thing that sucked is it was awesome like i felt peaceful i didn't have to travel every fucking week being unemployed yeah it was yeah exactly it felt like that i would i would go on long walks i would fucking go to i would go to like fucking fucking week. It's called being unemployed.
Yeah, it was. Yeah, exactly.
It felt like that. I would go on long walks.
I would fucking go to, I would go to like fucking the supermarket and just see what was on. It's like, what's on special today? I had like, I've never heard somebody say, I'll go on long walks.
Yeah. Through the supermarket.
To the supermarket. Oh, to the supermarket.
Not through. No, no, no.
I'm like, here's this guy who's fucking. I'm pulling up to a fucking Safeway and hitting, I'm hitting all the aisles at the grocery store.
It's like, oh, what do you mean there's not a mile marker by the graham crackers? The way they have old people walk through malls, they have fat people walk through grocery stores. Like, come on, these are your favorite things, little buddy.
You pass the ice cream eight times, you get a lick, you get a fucking thing a fucking thing a whole halo top um no i would i would fucking walk by the water and ball i was in baltimore i would take long ass walks i would buy like one piece of meat grill it up eat it with some veggies it was a beautiful beautiful simple life but i also love that's the other thing is like and i did stand up i was awesome. Yeah.
But I think the, the, the lesson is to not do three things at once. It's a lot.
So I think like next year when I tour, I'm not doing anything else. Like right now I made the mistake of going from nothing to tires, the movie coming out.
My back to my standup, back to my podcast. I'm also, I have a tour that I'm announcing.
I think actually probably if it comes out next week it'll be then but the dream boat tour i'm doing a big all across like on the water i yeah that would be fucking sick i should have done that i should have chartered a sailboat but no it's more of a metaphor metaphorically the dream boat tour you imagine fucking chartering a sailboat to go to your shows That That would be fucking awesome. They're like, where is Cyrus? He's on the horn.
He's on the... Yeah, the horn of Africa, the horn of...
Yeah, he got caught. The gales of November came early and caught him.
He's marooned off Vancouver Island. Off the Seychelles.
Yeah, he only sold 40 tickets near the Suez Canal. But he's still got to go down there.
He's still got to go. He's still got to go.
Are the Greeks the blacks? Some people say that the Greeks are the blacks of Europe. Who are these people exactly? Bring up someone.
Google. No, people say that all the time.
I'm serious, man. I love that.
You'll be wandering past an olive shop and you'll hear the door will open and you'll hear somebody yelling. Are you talking about your internal monologue, Theo? Are you talking about every time you see a Greek person? That's what you think? I'm just saying there is a lot of people call them black olives.
Okay, that's all I'm saying. There's a lot of conversation about black olives sure hey i'll take i'll take that with pride black people are the cool they they're they're making cool they're the culture drivers of america without question filters in some ways i guess that's you know maybe ancient greece what's democracy if not the original hip-hop yeah you know what i mean how everything filtered out from that kind of you know the same way it when you call me Big Socrates.
Yeah. The same way music's been taking from black people forever, everyone's kind of been taking our shit between philosophy and democracy from ever.
Use a Pompeii. Pompeii, I believe, was that the Roman Empire? Don't be a hater.
Fuck Rome. They took a whole don't kill our that is in a public school system cheaper globes cheaper globes if they're from 1820 30 countries They mash Europe together.
Yeah.

So no comment on that, huh?

I say... countries they mash europe together yeah so no comment on that huh uh i say i'll take that like i said you know i i had a joke in my special where if you think of it really i think greeks are probably the most light-skinned arabs it's really what we have more cultural uh we're pretty similar people loud you, you know what I mean? Like loud, kind of flashy, you know what I mean? But I think people, British people loved England or England loved ancient Greece so much that they were like, we got to make them white because then white people were, you know what I mean? Like ancient Greece was white.
When in reality, I think we're probably light-skinned Arabs. Yeah.
Very loud, you know, touchy-feely. You know what I mean? Like it just, it's the same vibe.
The gold jewel, you know, I'm wearing jewels. Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, warm, intense people.
We're not, we're less, you know, I feel like- Like grape? What's that? Like grapes? Grapes is a very Middle Eastern food, isn't it? We'll take grapes. We'll take grapes.
Dates, all that type of shit. Oh, yeah.
A date's nice. And me personally, I like that kind of, that kind of, that style of woman as well.
Nice curly hair, big nose type of situation. Oh, yeah.
Anywhere from like, you know, you go Spain to the Middle East kind of vibe. I met a beautiful greek girl one time in florida oh okay and got

popped a couple wiener pills or something this is early when the gas stations just had them what are we talking about street overlord uh rhino this was before rhino wow this was like uh i think these were healthy dose or something yeah yeah or uh the last captain i think it was called It was like, these were hopeful ones.

Love it, love it, love it. And I remember I took a couple of them, and then I was trying to make out this girl, and my nose started bleeding right onto her chest, dude.
What a shame. That could have been your wife, dude.
She was so cool, too. She's something about a curly-haired woman, dude.

I agree.

I actually, my favorite.

Yeah, you know they're crazy if their hair had to come out like that.

You know?

You would have been a great 17th century doctor.

Well, you can tell.

She's suffering from bouts of insanity.

Look at her hair.

Look at the wave in her hair.

My God.

Look at the printout here. She's lying.
Look how far apart her eyes are. That's a space for deceit.
That's the deceit zone right here. She's just homeless.
Let's calm down. But they look at, it's like a lie detector test.
whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What else is it going? Wow, the boner pills, huh? Yeah. Bro, I took most of my life because I just had so much anxiety.
Oh, dude, believe me. I'm lucky that I only caught the tail end of the gas station era.
Those were horrible. Now you can get them online pretty easily.
But I also, in between one time, I convinced I had an old Italian doctor and I convinced him I had some other, I read that like, if you have some kind of prostate issue, you can also take Cialis to like relieve that. I just kind of read it as like, I was doing my research.
Yeah, for sure. And I was like, dude, I think my fucking prostate's fucked up acting up yeah yeah my prostate's acting up picking up radio stations yeah and he was like and he had to put his finger up my ass and he realized the prostate was fine but then he was like okay i give you the couple he knew what is also like, why did you have to put your finger up my ass?

But I guess he just was hoping I was onto something.

And then he was like,

listen, I give you this and no more.

But he was like,

he knew I was just,

I was like 20.

Yeah, short fingers,

wide fingers up.

Like, come on.

He was fucking awesome.

And he just gave me a couple of dick pills. And dude, those were like were like that was my holy grail i had like a sample pack oh yeah cialis and i fucking oh so when that yeah when those sample cialis and stuff hit the streets they were breaking people's windows to get those i went when i first went to college i went and lived with my buddy's dad he had a viagra prescription right he lived in a one bedroom apartment where the fuck were you living on the couch yeah yeah that's awesome and we would take turns like sleeping on the couch with the bed right and so and there was you and his dad and the reason i did was because he got a boner pill subscriptions right so you could so i could nibble off a little yeah yeah yeah but he only got like eight of them and i'm like fuck it's so hard to steal off steal out of eight because you can kind of like the third day and pull one you're like oh he got drunk he took two yeah no but then you have to cut one directly in half like well how did one yeah just get just taken in half yeah you got to take it in half you got to make that last oh yeah you took a lot and then but that's a fun that's a fun kind of passover parable it was horrible making the one dick pill last oh yeah 12 days just nibbling on it just a little bit one can of oil and we made it last for 64 days yeah yeah one dick pill 100 milligram viagra we made it last for 12 weeks.
We each took one lick of it.

Me and my friend's dad. Shabbat shalom.
How long? Yep. Shabbat shalom.
How long were you living with your friend's father? Six months, one semester of school. God.
How were you craved that semester? Here was the crazy part. We had a wall.
There was like a half wall. There was a loft.
The bedroom was a loft, and there was a living room. It was a nice building.
They did have a pool at the building. That was pretty cool.
And I was learning to play guitar at the time, and so I would go in there. He'd have some...
Every now and then, he'd have a chick stare over, and I'd go in there and play. Love that.
and play um uh teasing the song about Eric Clapton's

son dying that's about yeah that's the song you would play while the guy was getting pussy

it's about his fucking son falling out of a window

no way how old was his son was he in the military no he was like a little ass kid, dude. It's a tragic song.
Oh, dude. Sorry.
Sorry, Eric. Is that a puppet still alive? He's alive, yeah.
Oh, man. So your friend's dad, who's giving you shelter, is getting pussy with one of his eight Viagras.
And he has to battle that Viagra's up against that old man's LED and the saddest song. One of the saddest songs of the 90s.
A poor rendition, by the way. There's no way you were good at it.
You're butchering it. And it's sad as shit.
Pink, pink. Oh, sorry.
Sorry. Pink, pink, pink.
Pink, bang. Oh, sorry, sorry.
Bink, bink, bink. Bink, bong.
Oh, so my bad. Bink, bink, bong, bink, bink.
What you know? What you mean? Dude, but I would go in there and one time after they would request me to come back in. Wow.
You were the fucking, you were the music for them fucking. Well, they had usually post-coital that would bring me in.
Post-coital. And I also then eventually played Every Rose Has Its Thorn.
I rocked that form a little bit. And I did eventually a widespread panic.
Okay, nice. Yeah, that's good, man.
So that was just the three songs spread. Traveling Lightition a lot of hand beating on the fire yeah yeah yeah try and dress it up you can barely play guitar nibble on a viagra to keep me going yeah like a mouse with a little piece of cheese and that dude was hammering dude and i was having so much sexual issues and shit And he'd be in there just I almost have a decent of cinnamon there yeah just go up the hill come on climb up his bunk bed climb up the top bunk turn around that's a very interesting living room like uh it was crazy dynamic and we had an eclipse his son had an eclipse because this dude was struggling.
His son had an eclipse.

Yeah, Mitsubishi eclipse, but it wouldn't turn off, right? You couldn't turn it off.

So you had to just...

Siphon gas?

No, you just have to keep putting gas.

So we keep like...

Hold on, hold on.

It never turned off.

You could, but you'd have to... It was so hard to get back on.

So we would just... We'd keep like extra cans of gas at the fucking parking space.
We had an underground parking space. Yeah, that was it, but it was a green one.
That's a nice car, man. It was a green one and it had good rims on it too.
I don't know if they have that. Oh, not that green.
That is very. More of a seafoam.
Yeah. I would go with that one to the right of the horizontal the horizontal one of the vertical one left left right there nice something like that yeah dude oh yeah i'm not as nice as that but yeah we get the idea yeah but that bitch uh we would keep a couple cans of gas because it got great mileage you can fucking keep it.
I don't know how good the mileage is if you have to

keep the gas just to keep it running.

I would drive that bitch over. I went to Loyola

University. I'd drive that bitch.

Loyola where? There's one in New Orleans?

In New Orleans, yeah. And since you kept

it running, people didn't, you could park in a weird

spot and be like, oh, the guy's just

coming and going.

And how long would it be there idling?

Fucking two hours. I'd fucking be in class.

I'd be in class, dude.

But it was kind of nice right when you got to it.

Got right in. Sure, sure, sure.

You don't have the fucking...

That hassle of doing this.

Turning your fucking...

Turning your fucking forefinger

one inch.

But it was a flex to the lady. Like, damn, that guy's a chauffeur.
Keep it running. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, it's him. It's you from the past.
But that's my chauffeur. Sorry, guys.
My ride's here. My ride's here.
No one stole it, huh? No. They respected the eclipse.
I guess. I mean, sometimes I'll put the flashers on.
I think it's like, there's a lot of reverse psychology there, you know? It's a lot of General Sherman. Hiding in plain sight.
Yeah, very much. Yep, yep, yep.
Very much of the Ongonquins, how they behaved. I love the idea.
And how old was that guy at the time? Is that depressing to think about? Probably 52. Okay.
Ansem, pretty good at tennis. Ansem.
He could wear short shorts. Love that.
He's a foundational guy. Foundation.
Plus size guy? Middle size. Middle size.
Mid size. Yeah.
Love that. I see.
I love to drink. He's a vodka orange juice guy in the morning.
Morning drinker. And I guess a divorced man.
Yeah. If he was hammering.
I lived with his family before that. Before?

Well, through the divorce?

Yeah.

And then he got you in the divorce?

He's like, how the fuck did I end up with my son's adult friend in the divorce?

This bitch got the house.

I got Theo playing fucking Tears of Heaven while I'm trying to keep a heart on.

And meanwhile, you can barely hear the song because there's a Mitsubishi eclipse riding outside the window. The fumes are coming up through the underground garage.
You have fucking poison. You have CO2 poisoning.
Oh, man, dude. That's fucking awesome.
That's crazy, dude. Was that your weirdest? That was probably one of my craziest living situations.
But I always lived for cheap, man. I slept in my buddy's bed for probably seven months out in Los Angeles when I first got out there.
I lived in this little cupboard that was in a living room. They had these two cupboard doors.
And it was like three feet high, four feet wide. Just the bed? No, there was no bed in there.
It was just a floor, right? But it was long and it was like four three feet high four feet wide just the bed no there was no bed in there it was just a floor right but you put it all but it was long and it was like probably eight feet deep so it's perfect like i'm going to bed boom get in there like a bird little bird house or whatever yeah yeah yeah yeah and sometimes i come out right on the hour you know but i was always sharing dude i slept on my buddy's floor for 150 in college in a sleeping bag and i'd fucking yell at him complain about shit yeah yeah but he needed the money it's so fucking funny i did to say i i similarly i convinced my friends to give me a shitty room in their house in Baltimore. I live for 300 bucks a month.

I had a room.

They were just like, I was literally living on the,

my go-to meal was beans and eggs on one.

I would bake them and put them on one sheet.

And that way I could just use the sheet as my plate.

I wouldn't have to do dishes.

I just, after I'm done eating the beans and eggs.

Into the washing machine.

Yeah.

Directly into the washing machine with the condoms from the 18th century. Yeah.
And hang it off the fucking clothesline. Don't mind if I...
Don't mind, no. Please hang them.
Let the neighbors see. We're fully operational over here.
No one eighth of a Viagra needed. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
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What did I see in the news? Oh, I saw. Did you see that Mark Wahlberg restaurant? Wahlbergers? It burned down, though.
He had a new restaurant. A fancy one? Let me see.
Mark Wahlberg's new restaurant in Las Vegas burns down opening day. Opening day? Wow.
Mark Wahlberg was excited about today because he's supposed to open up his new restaurant, Fletcha Cantina. Fletcha.
It went up in flames just hours ago. Check this out.
This is Town Square, and it's obviously fully involved with fire here, and we have gotten a ton of emails to this station inviting the cameras out because Mark Wahlberg was going to be there around 430 this afternoon.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

You can see the flames inside.

They were going to get the oversized scissors out and welcome everyone in for the grand opening.

Oh, no.

So obviously that's not happening today.

Wow.

They're defrauded, dude.

You think that's just a plate of fajitas that was sizzling too much? You think that got a little out of control? That's a great point. Do we know it's not just a really intense fajita? It is Fletcher Cantina, after all.
Yeah, go back and show that window right there. That does look.
Yeah. And they spray that flavor on it, smoke or whatever.

Like Greece, we have a- Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe a flambe.

We do a saganaki, Greek people, the cheese you set on fire.

Oh, yeah.

A lot of different stuff it could be.

I don't think we should draw conclusions right away.

Yeah, dude.

That's crazy.

I thought it was a burger shop he was doing.

Yeah.

That's wild.

They're going Mexican now.

Fletcher. Yeah.
It doesn't sound, I got sound i gotta be honest does not sound appealing fletcha sounds too much like flesh fletcha yeah i've heard it's a regular person like i'm going to fletcha fletcha cantina no thanks yeah it's kind of bizarre cantina i'm okay with he's done some interesting things you know he had an alcohol but then he said he didn't drink and then he came out with a tequila which i thought was kind of wild interesting interesting what do you think that's about i don't know i think it was just when when when like celebrities were coming out with tequilas it was purely a business move yeah like when george clooney came out with one sure one time i was in toronto i'm sitting there it's like probably 12 30 or something you know a.m just sitting on my computer in the lobby dude um hoping to meet my wife or whatever yeah at 12 30 on your computer desperate for attention probably i don't know that's fucking awesome i can't remember why after a show you're just there i think i was doing shows yeah gotcha i was just hanging out um because yeah it's funny after shows you don't want to go to like still yeah it's like you go to a bar you're gonna see a lot of people in the show sometimes it can be overwhelming definitely and then if i don't drink it's hard to be there so it's like you don't there's nowhere usually to go sure no that's true restaurants are closed usually yep so then you can go to like a gas station sometimes ice cream or your hotel sure but i'm sitting there and i feel something on my neck right here and it's fucking mark walberg dude pretending to haveending to have a gun? He's like, caught you slipping. You know, or however, you know.
You have failed the keep it on you challenge or caught lacking challenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes. You failed the caught lacking challenge by Mark Wahlberg.
I was like, look at this fucking boondock saint out here. Was he in that movie? He was not.
Oh, damn. He was not.
No one of the jokes didn't land. but he does embody the spirit of the mean doc saints he thought he was in it yeah yeah yeah he thought he was in it but i said that and then he invited me the next day to his tequila opening he was actually really nice he had a nice group of friends really chill he seems nice but it's also like that level of fame where people start to go insane in a like polite way like a guy like it doesn't seem sinister but it's insane to wake up at three in the morning to work out yeah and play golf and like it's just crazy and like 3 15 yeah go to 3 15 wake up pray for one hour i mean i know you know whatever this i don't know if he's yeah 2 30 i mean that's I mean, that's not a time to wake up.
2.30 a.m. wake up.
2.45 a.m. crypto prayer.
Yeah. 3.15 breakfast, 3.40 to 5.15 workout.
That's a long workout respect. That's a lot.
Post-workout meal only two hours after breakfast. That's wild.
Shower, he gets an hour and a half for showering. That can't right hey dude i have definitely taking some sad showers yeah but that's not when you're fucking when you when you're a regimented like planning an hour and a half shower you don't plan hour and a half showers you're so fucked up that you take an hour and a half shower i've taken some of those too theo i'm not judging but that's when i'm hung over as fuck and i'm like should i just fucking do drugs at 7 a.m like that's like you're spending 45 minutes convincing yourself not to take pills yeah that's what those long showers are man they're not thinking about the lord and my fucking bicep girls i'm so high i should go in the shower yeah yeah yeah Maybe if I'm in the shower, I won't purchase a prostitute.
Maybe if my hands are wet, I can't fucking use my phone. So I won't fucking buy pussy and hate myself.
The second I nut, that's what that shower is about. That shower is not reflecting on your 3 15 a.m.
breakfast. And look, we're cross-promoting our own lives here with yours, Mark.
Yeah, yeah. We're not talking about Mark Wahlberg.
This is from ours. This is about— We're putting a little of the personal into this riff.
Yeah, yeah. But this has got to be— But you open a restaurant, dude, opening day, and and that thing cooked yeah that's crazy but that you know i think um i'm trying to think anything good burnt down by us when i was growing up oh any good fires i don't know if we had i only have hate crimes in my neighborhood which are not fun to talk about just idiots that didn't understand that indian people weren't like after 9-11, some fucking idiot in Baltimore.
Did an Indian person? Get fucked. Yeah.
They just burnt, just a guy, a Sikh guy who wore a turban. He's like, he's Osama bin Laden.
So I'm going to fucking burn down his fucking mini mart. You're like, that's fucking, that guy's a librarian.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy runs a 7-11 library in the middle of it.
Yeah, literally. He was like a fucking nice guy.
I just went to a nice Indian restaurant here the other day called Bungalow. Nice.
I love that. I like a nice Indian.
Yeah, there it is. This Indian.
Oh, Vikas is the chef there. Vikas.
Dude, he let us sit at the chef's table. They put a little table.
Ooh, I love kitchen it was it's fancy but it's not crazy fancy um i gotta get this guy on the podcast it was just fascinating to like uh eat indian food learn like just about some of the energy and why they have certain things it was that looks awesome i'll check it out ton of indian people and he said a lot of indian people don't go out to dinner because a lot of them cook at home yeah Yeah. And they always want, they always believe their cooking is better than other places.
I get that. I understand that.
I mean, I do not believe that at my place. Yeah.
Well,

what's your, the traditional, uh, quesadilla smoothie. Yeah.
Yeah. A Slim Jim quesadilla.

That's what you grew up on. And nobody can make these better than my mom.

Owl meat fried rice. A little bit of squab in there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From the holidays.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe a nice possum rib roast.
A little bit of pigeon, we call it. A little bit of fucking sidewalk oysters.
You know what I'm talking about.

What were we just talking about?

The Indian people will not go out to eat.

Right.

But that restaurant was really great, man.

Went there.

That was kind of cool.

I love that.

I went, I was in England.

I was in London and I had Indian food and it was so incredible.

Yeah.

They're there.

Yeah. Well, you know, that's the one upside to the fucking, the British empire.

It's like, if They brought Indian food along.

If they fucked up India, the least I can do is go enjoy a nice meal as a result.

You know, they're there either way.

Yeah.

So, but it was good as fuck.

It was-

You'd be a good Indian, I think.

Thank you, man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

100%, man.

Yeah.

I've got some Buddha qualities.

I just think, yeah, they would herald you, I feel that. 100%, man.
I've got some Buddha qualities. I just think, yeah, they would herald you.

Well, they do respect the cow.

So I have a bull, kind of like a bull.

Yeah, I think they would just, yes.

I have kind of like a bull.

You could be like an Indian sumo wrestler.

I would love that.

We could start that.

One of your other movies, it's like you go to India to be the first Indian sumo wrestler. Right.
Put you in some semi-off brown face. Yeah.
I don't know about that. I don't know.
Yeah. Maybe I'll just get a nice tan.
Huh? Nah. I can get pretty crispy, dude.
Can you? Greek Mediterranean blood. You know, maybe that's it.
Maybe that's what happens. I get such a tan that someone mistakes me for an Indian.
Signs you up. Signs me up to be the first Indian sumo wrestler.
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Love that. Push them around, Hetal.
Love interest? Yeah, I could smash an Indian sumo wrestling woman. No problem.
That's love, dude. That's love, absolutely.
I can't really tell. I'm going to say yes.
I'm going to give it a hesitant yes from that picture that I would smash. I mean, for the movie, that she could be your list.
Yeah, and I'm saying, you know, I want to do it for real. Let's see what happens yeah let's see what kind of sparks fly on set yeah that's all it is dude you know you think of romance maybe it's possible between you and spade maybe you guys just have like a come become gay later in life no there's a gay uh there's i think tim dylan might be in it Okay.
Small part. Who do you think sucks who off then? Not it.

So TBD. I think Tim Dillon might be in it.
Okay. Small part.
Who do you think sucks who off then?

Not it.

TBD, bro.

To be David.

TBD to be Dave.

So we'll see what God wants out of those guys. Yeah.

Yeah.

I can see Tim doing that.

What about,

what about the election over there happened,

man?

Did people go crazy out here in New York?

Did you feel any of that energy?

I,

where was I?

I just felt so glad that it's over.

I was filming.

Um,

I don't know.

We were in Philly taping.

Yeah,

we were taping.

We were doing tires.

You were doing tires,

right?

Um,

how exciting is that too?

Tires fucking rules.

Yeah.

I mean,

what's it like between second season and the first season? Is the set different? Because it. Set's not different.
Same. But we.
Yeah, we're in the same spot. And it's.
I think it's going to be fucking great. I mean, the first season.
I didn't even know. When I agreed to do it, I thought it was going on YouTube.
Yeah. Like it was like Shane texted me.
There was no like agents involved. There was nothing.
He was like, hey, we're doing this thing. They didn't have scripts.
We were kind of writing shit as we were going. Like I was supposed to have a small part and we just had like so much fun doing it.
They kept like adding. It was like so fun.
And we felt like we're just making a fun web series. You know what I mean? Like, cause I loved Gillian Keeves was so fucking funny.
Their sketches were so good. And I almost was in one and then it like fell through.
And so I just wanted a chance to work with those guys. So when Shane hit me up, I was like, I don't need to know shit.
Let's just fucking do it. And it's insane that this thing that we didn't, honestly, we did it in a few weeks and then we did like a couple days of reshoots and it was a fucking show that was top 10 on Netflix for for like two weeks it's insane my mom liked it yeah yeah yeah and so and so i think i mean we've been shooting from i think we started in october and we end in the middle of december and so it's you know much more time they actually had a real writer's room they went over the scripts we have i don't want to yeah i'm the least important i don't want to give away too much but there's like a bunch of cool actors in it you play the brother right i play i'm basically like they're uh i'm basically like are the dad the other manager no no i'm the i'm the guy who's not in the family basically i'm the guy who's like it's like a family tire shop and i'm like the kind of middle manager gm who's just kind of in the middle of it you can't tell if i'm good at my job or not oh yeah yeah just kind of a pig uh again pretty hard role a horny idiot it was really hard for me to get into into the character um but it's gonna be fucking good man i mean and those guys are great i mean is it shot on sticks or is it shot like uh the office i've seen it it's just been probably four months both i mean it depends but it's mostly i would say it's mostly handheld they have some some you know steady shots but no it's we have the whole crew is fucking awesome oh it's so much fun and that girl in it is so good kyla crushes it well that's that's what's awesome about like you gotta love shane because he legit brought his friends along yeah in like a very sandler way but the second he could like steve gerbin who is you know so good he's the man he's the lead but it's like they did open mics together you know what i mean like uh that whole crew kyle the same thing and and mckeever who directs it is so fucking good he's such a great director Shane's a great actor.
And it's awesome. It's just great to see that kind of shit.
And that's part of- Like funny shit. And it's, again- People saying queers, people fixing tires.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, he's- What this country was founded on.
Right, right, right, right, right. Misogynists fixing tires.
Yes, you're going to have to deal with a little bit of misogyny, but we're get you back out on the road yeah it's like you want the chassis tightened up or not that's been the story of our history but yeah i mean it's a if you're setting us some shit in a tire shop that's how those motherfuckers behave you know what i mean like you gotta be realistic like a trans male swimmer in there or something yeah oh that would be yeah we need these better tires yeah that would be good these tires ain't tired on the way on the way to the maybe maybe on the way to the meat yeah you know what i mean bring them in see get the fellas reginald has a magic tire yeah you're like what the fuck is happening no you need a fucking yeah all people want is just art art to reflect life man let's be realistic and if your thing is set in a tire shop yeah that's how those guys have to behave yeah i'll watch the trans swimmer show yeah that's fun and they can go do you know they can fucking talk the way they actually talk and if you have guys, talk the way they talk. That's what you just need.
I think that's people just want the reality of stuff. Yeah.
Yeah. I agree.
And those guys are funny as shit. My dad's a contractor.
Those guys are hilarious. Growing up around these fucking morons.
They're stupid as shit. And they rag on each other so much.
Oh, yeah.

It's fucking awesome.

It's great.

And the office was set in an office.

And yeah, you can't really say wild shit in an office.

So it can be a little bit more mainstream.

But if you're going to do some shit in a family-owned tire shop, it's like anything goes there.

We're talking, yeah, that is the wild west.

Yeah, absolutely.

A family-owned, like.

That's the Gaza Strip of fucking humanity. There's no oversight.
Yeah. There's no oversight.
No matter what, no matter how many reports the UN writes, you're not stopping that. You're not stopping the fucking family-owned tire shop from saying racist shit.
You just, you can't do it. That's how it goes.
Same thing with diners. I mean.
Yeah. You can't.
I would i would don't let don't let a teenager work in a greek diner okay just don't do it you're gonna don't let don't let the hostess work for some guy the evil variant of me from a different universe that has same hair open black polo you know what i mean you don't want him fucking you don't want him sexually harassing the hostess you know what i mean no well i just as long as the guy who's making my food has has a like a thing of toilet paper stuffed up one of his nostrils i don't give a as long as one of the line cooks is going through active withdrawals hey you want your egg scrambled yeah just by his hand just holding there with a spatula greek restaurant same thing look there might be some chest hair on your lamb chops but it's gonna be the best lamb chop you've ever had in your life you really want to get the fucking food safety people involved in this you want a bland hairless lamb chop be my guest god lamb huh the pussy of beef i agree gamey it really is kind of it's good as fuck you're like what part of the lamb is this is good dude oh i love a nice fucking lamb chop how um how does it feel you're kind of you've become a staple of your favorite football team how does that kind of feel every time that's awesome i love the ravens it's fucking sick uh and i have a show i have a show at the lyric uh which is i did it last year i did a bunch of shows this year i'm doing a couple for the holidays it's fucking nuts to go to your fate the team you grew up rooting for and it's like they fucking put me on the jumbotron dude you get a big pop i got to fucking yeah you fucking, yeah, I got to meet players. I get to meet this guy.
What player is that? That's Real Fan Dan. Oh, okay.
Who is, yeah. He does the R-A-V-E-N-E-S dance.
Oh, he gets it going? He gets it going. He's got some.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Chaperone version.
Chapel Raven, dude. Chapel Raven.
That's me, dude. And yeah, this is on the Raven's Instagram account.
The official Raven's Instagram account. Let me put on fucking a helmet.
You got to rip a dart on there next time. They wouldn't let me mention guns.
Or Suboxone. Yeah.
Which is crazy. Also, Suboxone Wilson is a player there too great on the edge great on the edge not allowed dude bro the saints have um the saint that someone keeps tweeting about the pope keeps accidentally tweeting about the new orleans saints dude can you see you can find that find that? Yeah.
That's fucking awesome. Are you an LSU guy? Are you a Saints guy? Here's who I like.
I'm a Saints guy, but they've been under-delivering for the past few years. Yeah.
And that's been, Pope Francis keeps accidentally tweeting about the New Orleans Saints. So that's where we are.
The hashtag Saints are formed by the Beatitudes. Poor, meek, merciful, hungering, and thirsting for justice, seeking peace.
Okay, yeah. So they have some issues with the refs.
Yeah. Yeah, I think the post went up before the Saints lost to the lowly Carolina Panthers marking their seventh grade.
God is not on your side. They took it out, but in the actual tweet, it was showing the Saints logo every time he hashtagged Saints.
Wow. Thank you for your prayers, Pont, if we need them.
What? Interesting. But that now does that prove there it is? Does that prove that the Catholic God is not real? Because a tweet from Pope Francis doesn't even get you to beat the fucking Panthers.
That's a good point. I'd like to see, you know, a Muslim guy tweet about you.
I'd like to see, this is a good way to see who wins. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is how we can tell who's right. Yeah.
Each religion tweets about the New Orleans Saints. Tweeters, start your fingers.
And they rattle off. And they rattle off.
We get to see. And you see who really gets.

Is it Islam?

Is it Judaism?

Each week they all get a shot.

They all get a shot.

Wiccan.

Catholicism.

Wiccan.

Yeah.

Get some fucking fat bitches with black lipstick.

To put a curse on your opponent.

Tear out a raven's heart.

Oh, dude. One time I was walking on the beach in like Destin, Florida at night.

And we were like, we were kids and we got to go to the beach. i met this girl out there pretty urban-esque girl love that and so she's like i want you to hold me in the water or whatever and it was like i'd hidden like a bottle of wine that i told someone in the sand earlier in the day so i'm out there literally digging in the fucking sand by myself under like probably pretty decent moonlight right sure sure fucking digging in there and uh like like i'm one of those like like watching the grunion run or whatever like like i'm a pregnant turtle trying to see how many of your babies make it to sea literally i'm just looking for a bottle of zinfandel putting my hand in and and uh then she came up and we had a couple sips i were talking and and stuff.
She's like, I want you to hold me in the water.

So then we're out in the fucking water, dude.

Love that.

Kissing.

It was fucking ridiculous.

Was she any Wiccan?

Yeah, and she was Wiccan.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Did she do any chants or enchantments to you?

No, she just said some stuff.

She didn't believe in this and that.

And she was Wiccan.

Interesting.

And that she had to be pregnant by a certain time or whatever.

And you didn't oblige. You're like, like i'm out you want this white tail or not i was like this is gotta fucking gofandel um did you did you encounter any like because i i think about like new orleans it is they have some spooky some spooky shit any witches any like voodoo shit.
Do you ever encounter any of that stuff? I stole money one time off of an altar there and I, and my life was bad for like seven months. Swear to God.
I believe you, dude. Here's the crazy part.
I stole the money and then used the money to buy peanut butter M&Ms, right? Hexed for peanut butter M&Ms. And so that was horrible.
And I finally, and I was on the road for a while and then I finally got back home and I put them, I went and put twice as much money back. And it was all good after that? Yeah.
When we grew up, there was a lot of prod, like there was like a snake fucking Protestants, you know? Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Now, hold on.
What kind of altar and where was this altar? This was in the French quarter outside, like on the edge of the French quarter.

Gotcha. And it was just kind of out there.

Yeah. They just had a thing put together.

And it's interesting how many different that,

cause Greek people have like when somebody that we have like the kind of like a little altar for like your past loved ones. And if you think about it,

it is, even though we're Greek Orthodox, that's so clearly like a,

a pagan ritual. You put a little altar for the, for the deceased.

That's not in like Christianity anywhere. It's just, you know,

Thank you. orthodox that's so clearly like a a pagan ritual you put a little altar for the for the deceased that's not in like christianity anywhere it's just you know but i wonder well i wonder if we should spend more time communicating with the deceased you know like helping relieve you know or is there anything that they need to tell us it's like we're just like fucking be you know like once they clock out we're like you are off the fucking yeah we to Mangiano's.
Yeah. Having some pasta in your memory and that's it.
Yeah. They just like, because the Mexicans do that every year.
They let them back, you know, they let all the, you know. Let them out for one last fiesta.
Yeah. Like on MS 31st or whatever.
Halloween night. They let all of like the family members come back, you know? You ever see Coco, the movie about that? Yeah, I think Joey Diaz is.
Oh, no, that's something I'm thinking of. Joey Diaz is in Coco.
I thought he was in it. That's awesome.
Fucking tremendous, dude. You got to deal with your generational trauma, you cocksucker.
Stop depending on your grandfather to turn your life around. That's awesome.
I think I did try to watch this on a plane or whatever. This legitimately destroyed me when I saw it.
What happened was, so me and my brothers, we had a tradition where we would take some kind of hallucinogenic, whatever big like Hollywood release was out that, you know, like a big fun action movie or like,

like star,

the first,

the first time we did it was the new star Wars prequels where it was like,

we didn't give a fuck about star Wars that much,

but yeah,

take some fucking acid.

You watch star Wars.

It's going to be fucking awesome.

So we would do that on Christmas or around Christmas. You'll sort of fight your stepfather in the fucking yard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You really,

you really will actually.

You will.

It did cause some issues.

Surprise attack with a catalytic converter out there.

Boy, I'm fucking.

So we did that.

And then one year we were going to, it was Aquaman was coming out.

Oh yeah.

Forgot to buy fucking tickets ahead of time.

Thought for sure there's no way, you know, Aquaman's going to be sold out.

And then we forget.

So it's sold out. We get there.
I'm already on acid. Oh my God oh my god and we're like all right let's just get back to the house ASAP we're all fucking on acid we didn't have we couldn't so then my brother's like um Coco is pretty like colorful this could be fun dude it's a story all about family like my best friend's mom had just died we were like it's a story all about like family and dude i'm just tripping my nuts off just sobbing and being like dude i thought i was gonna watch jason momoa fight a fucking punch a fish in the head and now i'm thinking about my dead grandparents and if they're proud of me or not it was so fucked up dude wow and then my brother i was like sobbing so much afterwards my brother's like all right man and he just put on thor ragnarok for me to just fucking calm down he's like he like i was a fucking baby here's your fucking dumb movie because i would watch that on acid a bunch that was a fun thing i would do he puts on Wendy Weatherfoot on YouTube.
He puts on soft core pornography with huge titted women. He's like, here you go, buddy.
Your favorite stuff. Wendy Weatherfoot is a children's.
Oh no, sorry. I was just thinking, I don't know what Wendy Weatherfoot is.
I was just going into stuff I liked. Yeah.
Wendy Weatherfoot is a nature-based animation series on YouTube. If you like children in nature, you might like it.
Right, that would have been a better thing to calm me down. Yeah.
But yeah, it was fucked up how much cocoa on acid when I was not emotionally ready to deal with it. How fucking destroyed me, dude.
Destroyed me. But, you know.
Acid is just such a wild thing that they make yeah because first you're like you're telling me this little bitty square of paper this is gonna do shit is gonna remodel the way i experience the world completely my brain up is gonna make me hide behind the car in your yard and cry about how your parents met each other i don't know guy same thing last the last one we did was uh avatar and i literally was fucking crying at that too but that was a more like the movie was affecting me i was like oh fuck oh, fuck, dude. The fucking little guy's going to die.

I was fucking crying.

And like moments before I was laughing at what a stupid movie it was.

And then they kill a character.

I'm like, oh, he's fucking dead, bro.

My brothers were just laughing at me.

They weren't as fucked up as I was.

Just the attendant is just shining a flashlight right in your eyes.

You give him your license.

That's when you're fucked up at the movies. Yeah.
You give him your- Yeah, yeah. You hand the guy your driver's license.
The guy's just shining a light on you. Dude, I've been watching all those like around the holidays.
I'll start watching a lot of those military people come home videos. Oh, that's that'll fucking do it to you for sure.
Surprise at the school. While we look for that one more time, I was on acid at the movies.
I was, the people in the theater thought I was a special needs because I was like- And what was it? What gave it, or what gave them the impression? I was again on, I was actually on mushrooms and acid at the time. And it was a packed one.
And you know, you're familiar with Babu Frick. He's a little Star Wars guy.
He's a little Star Wars Muppet. Okay.
And every time Babu Frick would come on, I would be like, yeah. I would be so happy.
Oh, you loved him? Because I was so on acid. Wow.
That I kind of returned to being a fucking baby. Oh, yeah.
And so he was just a cute little Muppet guy. And every time he'd come on, I'd be like, Frick I couldn't stop laughing people were mad and they looked at me and then I saw them be like like their faces soften this guy's special needs there's no way they thought I was like some teenager they just looked around it's like there's way a man this old and fat is not special needs if he's reacting to Babu Frick this way.

And they looked at my brother.

My brother was like, sorry.

And they were like, oh, no.

No, it's fine.

Yeah, I can't.

Dude, I don't even know what to say now.

Some memorable acid. You're not an acid on movies.
Oh, me and my buddy. Well, I've told this story recently.
It's just one that I remember. Oh, it's okay.
We went to the Waffle House in our town, right? Love that. And we got there at like 4.30 in the morning, and there was a gay, or there was a homosexual urban male in there, waiter.
Love that. We'd never seen a gay black guy, right? Wow were you we were probably 14 okay that's big yeah it was big dude we're very excited that's some of the funnest but we're one of the funnest type of guys in the world oh we're so high dude yeah and we're so we're so high that all we can do is fucking laugh on hallucinogenics or just we didn't take some lsd cool and so we went there because it was open it's the only place that had lights out where you could be somewhere and be young and not have to, as long as you were buying food, you had a legal reason to be there.
Yes, yes, yes. I'm legally here for breakfast, right? Yes, yes, yes.
Well, we started laughing so hard. May I use the hash browns defense? I'd like to enter the hash browns defense.
Sorry, go ahead. No, it's So you guys are fucked up? Oh, and we're so fucked up.
My buddy starts laughing so hard and starts fucking choking. He's laughing so hard.
The guy, the waiter starts giving him the fucking... Heimlich? Heimlich maneuver, dude.
So there's a... Bro, I laughed.
I fucked my... That's...
I mean, that would destroy me. My body was coming out of my fucking body I was doing like this And my body just getting Fucking remodeled By this breakfast brother Just fucking reshaping him Smothered him And what style of gay guy are we talking Does he have like eyeliner on Small but strong strong.
Small but strong. Yeah.
Small but strong. Just posture and the way he talks.
What do you mean? Quick. Quick with his words.
Had flare on. But didn't need to have it on.
Right. Right.
That's not mandated by him. He had so much on you almost thought he was like one of those people that blows up the balloons or whatever.
What is this guy? Yeah. He's selling them.
He's like. Blow up some breakfast.
Yeah. He's being fun great attitude great god great attitude saved your friend's life yeah i went to snl the other night too that was pretty cool hell yeah fuck yes dude that was awesome it was cool just to be there you ever you've been there i've never been there no i want to go and i have i mean i have friends who are on the show now and like it would be cool to go but i just you know always traveling never here saturday it's a hard night to to be they'll probably ask you to do it this year i bet no i don't think so i'd love to but would you i would absolutely love to yeah i mean i don't want to fuck you know it seems like because i have friends who are on the show and it's like seems like a hard job that's the thing we're as much as stressful as it is to like have to put out shit constantly and be touring like you're still your own boss i can't imagine as that's a great you know that's a huge comedy show that people still watch but you're somebody's fucking employee yeah i can't imagine doing that anymore dude even if it's a cool fucking job just being worried about my performance at work i can't do that shit dude that's fucking crazy but i would love to it's a dream to host it but if i yeah that's why i say like i'm a uh i work for myself and i'm a hard person to work for yeah yeah absolutely i'm my own boss and my boss is a fucking idiot and my boss is an asshole he's an asshole he's a fucking yeah he's a closet homosexual as well.
Hey, that's a lie. Okay.
If I saw you in Houston, if your name is Mark and we hooked up in Houston. Hold on guys.
Let me start over. You can't help it.
The dad just. Yeah that was so that's how to play in the dark and that was a challenge i remember that's good for your understanding of the fretboard yeah you know it's more intuitive it's more uh yeah snl was great it was cool to see well burr bill burr dropped into a lot of the characters he like the acting part where where you're like doing the characters.
He did a really great job. He's a good actor, man.
Yeah. He really like, you know, it's like, because some of it, it was like kind of, you would think it's a little cheesy or whatever, but he like, you know, you got to commit right there.
You know what I mean? Like sketch comedy in general is a little, is a little cheesy, but if you're going to do it, you got to fucking do it. You know what I mean? It was cool.
McGee played. Hell yeah.
That was was pretty dope i'm trying to think of what else happened any uh go to the after party or anything like that i didn't go yeah i heard that it's interesting they line up like limos and people all from the show go get in the limos and they're just waiting outside and it takes everybody to the after party interesting so a show of force yeah kind of like how north korea has a bunch of tanks and stuff snl's like we got 12 limos. Don't fuck with us.
We got what we got. We got 12 limos going to the Dave & Buster's in Times Square.
Yeah. And all of our drivers are addicted to porn if you're in North Korea.
Did you see that? That's awesome, dude. Salute to those guys.
They made a big mistake. Once someone gets a little taste of pornography, you tell me they're going to go back to no porn, this could legitimately lead to the toppling of the North Korean regime.
Little dabble do you, dude. North Korea soldiers in Russia gain internet access, view lewd videos.
This is from UkrainianWorldCongress.org. Where the fuck are you getting your news, man?

The same place everybody is, dude.

Ukrainian world congress dot org.

What the fuck is this?

This is a website we made a half hour ago.

This is all news now.

It's whatever you want it to be.

A usually reliable source.

This is from this article.

Tells me that the North Korean soldiers

who have deployed to Russia have never had unfettered access to the internet before. As a result, they're gorging on pornography.
Gorging on pornography. Wow.
That's awesome. Gorging is crazy.
Gorging means the equivalent. What's gorging like the equivalent of? Because I've gorged on food.
Yeah. Probably mouth open, use a couple of phones going at once.

I don't think it's their best soldiers.

I think they're sending expendable guys. There's no way Kim Jong-un

is sending his best boys

out there. They're sending the form boys.

He might want to get the masturbators

out of his ranks. He might have

sent the masturbators out.

100%.

Let's zoom in on a couple of these guys.

Dude, can I just say, he looks awesome.

Look at that fit, bro.

Wow.

I want to dress like that for real.

You can do that, man.

I need those pants.

I need that fucking leather jacket.

Is that goat leather?

Yeah, yeah.

Where do they get it from?

It's shiny.

He's looking awesome.

Oh, he looks great.

I think especially over the years.

He's really figured his look out. He's come into his own.
They say he gets massages every day. And interesting.
And facials too. I'd love that.
I would love to live like that. I would love a massage.
Look how high the one dude is on porn. Right above your cursor to the right.
Zoom in on that guy. Right there.
Right there. Zoom in on that guy right there.
I can't go in. Oh, you can't.
Sorry. Enhance.
Let's get a shot of that guy. The hats are pretty high.
Great hats. I've watched that much porn before.
Where one of my ears turns really red. That's crazy, man.

That's a lot.

Because he's lost all the blood from that ear,

and it's gone translucent,

because that's all pumping to his cock.

It's all being used, brother.

All non-essential blood is being redirected to your dick when you see porn for the first time in 40 years.

Oh, dude, I remember at school when I would have to take tests,

I would fucking tie my legs off like this

to keep the blood up by my brain. Oh, smart, dude.
So I'd be able to have more oxygen in my brain to help me think. What did you find out about that? Who told you about that? Was that just, you know what I mean? Just a good idea.
Just a good idea. Did it work? Yeah.
I think it was pretty good. Pretty good student, you know? I love that, dude.
Yeah, it was fun, man. Just being alive back then.
Fucking beautiful leg skin. Oh, yeah.
What's the leg skin looking like these days? You don't really show off the gams too much. I don't that much.
Yeah. I mean, I put them away today.
That's not bad. You know? That's not bad.
I mean, yeah. Yeah.
They won't be in Westminster, but they won't be in the dog show. But I do.
So I think if I get in the gym for a couple of weeks, I'll show them, you know? Please do. I will.
Thank you, man. Please do.
But see, that's the thing. That's a blessing of being a foundational man.
Yeah. Yeah.
We got some thick and I'm even hiding the calves too. I would.
What bothers me is I'd love. I'm a little too milky white up here.
Oh, you got those four or five walls right there, baby. Those things are category three.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Fucking you could hang out. You could hide two bitches behind.
You could. You could take shelter behind my calves.
No problem. I would love that.
Yeah, dude. What else is happening, man? Anything else? What else you want to talk about? Police seized a goat from an 11-year-old girl.
This is on a $300,000 settlement. What is up with cops taking fucking animals, dude? Yeah, something happened with a squirrel too.

I don't understand why people are fucking,

it's just like bureaucrat, like who gives a fuck?

And good for this girl.

She won 300K.

Now, I don't know all the facts.

Hopefully this goat wasn't biting people's dicks off or whatever.

It turns out the goat was a fucking piece of shit.

But if he was just a nice little goat,

Vanessa Shaqib.

Yeah, it's tough to know.

The goat was seized by sheriffs.

Go back to the top a little bit.

Sheriff's deputy in 2022 while living at a North Carolina farm

and was later slaughtered.

Why?

Did they eat him?

As outlined in court documents.

You can't slaughter a goat for no reason.

For no reason.

No, not for no fucking reason. What cops are like nice like nah we're getting this guy out of here and the ghost just like yeah the sheriff's deputy did nothing then enforced the law yeah right i who knows if this is right and then they got this squirrel or whatever he did something some dumb bitch snitched they shouldn't have killed peanut but the bitch who snitched is obviously the biggest villain in here but also the cops overstepping cops love killing a fucking animal when they can man they do they'll shoot people's dogs for no reason they just fucking like killing shit it's like it's just a fucking parakeet yeah yeah yeah he had a gun yeah the bar gun.
Oh, man. What do you think of the world right now? Do things feel okay now to you? Are you scared? Not really.
Because I know there's the election, right? Yes. What are people truly scared of, do you think, when they talk about Trump? But what is it? I kind of start to wonder, what do people be scared of? I can tell you right.
I mean, the thing. So for me, you know, I didn't love either candidate here.
I didn't I really didn't understand being enthusiastic about either candidate. I think, you know, I'm not a Trump guy, obviously.
I think he is dangerous in the things that I'm scared of the most. And the thing that made me that towards Kamala was, more than anything, was the Supreme Court.
And that it would be, if it's put under, like, far-right control for the next however long. We've already seen, you know, women's right to, you know, over their bodies.
The abortion, you know, Roe v. Wade's been overturned, which I think is really dangerous.
That's going to like really affect women's health care. Already in states that banned it, you see they're getting less just general OBGYN care because it's more dangerous to be a doctor in those states.
So we don't think about shit that trickles down. So like it's harder to get just general health care, let alone abortion in Texas now for women.
And that's only going to get harder in rural states. And I think for me, that was the number one issue.
That's really fucking scary to me. Well, especially with the border being open and they're letting rapists in.
You know what I'm saying though? It's like, you're just, well, yeah. I mean, I don't know if it's the best time to repeal that.
Yeah. If we're going to follow your logic and you claim they got rapists coming in maybe we should also keep abortion but you know i think we got plenty of homegrown rapists too but you know yeah yeah yeah we've got our own sure we've got some some heirloom american rapists for sure um jesus but i think i think that's my the number one thing that scares me is about that because it's not only, that's the first step.
And I think you can really see stuff that we take for granted as progress. Gay marriage is another thing.
There's a really weird cultural, I think this is what happens anytime the party that's backed by the, you know, the powers that be, big business, the rich people, the richest people in the world want far right politicians. And I think if they still, absolutely, without question, I feel like tech is now, I just feel like the party is a huge, is a huge Trump guy.
That's a good point. I think rich people will support whoever's in power, number one, but they want to transfer wealth from the poor to the rich.
They've been really good at doing it. The biggest issue, I think the reason the Democrats lost is because they pretend that there is no problem.
It's like, that's fucking crazy. You have to tell people that, yes, there are issues here.
Shit is more expensive. I think inflation, I think a big part of inflation is that companies realize they can just charge you more and say it's somebody else's fault a lot of it's price gouging that's you know that's fucking true and the but you should everything gets so much more expensive and companies are some of it is just real inflation but some of it is companies are hiding behind inflation and like there was no democrats did nothing to stop price gouging right they didn't even say they were going to do it that um you can't tell people that things are going good when they're just clearly not and there were just no it sucks because they offered the democratic parties become like they were going after fucking dick cheney and who's like it was so bizarre it's crazy because they're going after policy wise, you know, moderates, Republican, Republican people who most working class people don't agree with the economic stuff that they're saying.
And then culturally it's not, it bothers me when you become a party of like tattletales. It's like, it's become a party of like middle managers that want to get mad at you if you say the wrong thing.
And it's like, that's not fucking, that's not the most important issue. The most important issue for people is that things are fucking more, they have no healthcare, wage inequalities out of fucking control.
We're not the, what people's wages have not kept pace with how much bosses are earning. Well, yeah.
Well, what percent, I mean, Bernie Sanders said greatly that he thought if AI starts to happen for companies, right? So companies are making more money because of AI because they don't need people. Yeah.
Right. Then some of that money should go to the employees.
Of course. As opposed and cut it, cut it down their hours for the week.
Now you give them a better life instead of just making it where, well, fucking. Well, we don't need you anymore.
Yeah. You know anymore yeah you know so you don't get anything and we keep all the fucking profits and i do think i mean i think we talked about a little bit last time where it's like ai is a tool to fucking do creative shit it's so weird when it's like it should be making normal people's lives easier it shouldn't just be for rich people to be able to charge less.
Like there should be some protections for workers and we should be able to like, you know, you should be able to fucking buy a house, all these fucking regular issues that weren't really hit on. It was just, well, you got to vote for us because the other person's worse.
And even though I think that is true, that's not a winning message. That's nothing, especially when the other side is offering they're at least saying shit's bad well yeah they're saying it's for the wrong reasons i don't think it's immigrants fault it's definitely not fucking trans people aren't the people buying up houses and not letting you buy it you know what i mean like i don't but at least they're saying something's wrong and they're saying some fucked up shit in my opinion they're trying to make it culture war stuff they're trying to divide people who should be on the same side by saying uh oh gay people are bad trans people are bad when it's like the people trying to fuck you are rich people that's how it's always been that's that's the fucking that's that's a tale as old as time like and it's weird some people think they're going to be fucking billionaires when they're when it's like like, they don't make off crypto or whatever.
And they're like, well, when I'm that rich, I don't want to be taxed. And it's like, you fucking don't, you live in, you're, you're sharing a loft bedroom with your dad's friend's dad who's taking dick pills.
You don't have to worry about fucking tax rates going up on you. Don't bet on, yeah.
Yeah. Bet on yourself now now man how about a how about we raise some some fucking some taxes on the on the richest people and you get some fucking health care it just i don't know man i know maybe i shouldn't have it's a lot it's a lot it just it's frustrating because i that but even having said all that i think what people are scared of the most with trump is just yeah man the supreme court being taken over by like um ideologically really right wing because now the senate is republican and there's like you know taken over by that that's scary that is scary to me because well we could see a lot of stuff rolled back that is that we we take for granted as fundamental and stuff that's just progress we can argue over like you know economic issues whatever but some of those things that does scare me yeah it's like gay like women's rights it would be so wild if you got groups in there that were like you can't do gay in anymore yeah yeah yeah we're we're taking away gay marriage but then you'd have all the gators have to pretend they're straight again or whatever yeah yeah back in the closet closet, boys.
Yeah. Like, oh, come on.
I just threw away all my straight. I just threw away all my Dockers.
I just threw away all my fucking plaid shirts. I just fucking burned all my Doc Martens and just lay in bed holding my high school girlfriend.
What are you talking about? Gay guys and lesbians have to get married again and then fuck other fuck on the side hey you know what there was something admiral about those days though look you got you got i respect getting a nut anyway against the against everything well just the hard work just the you know the effort that people put into being gay sure whereas now fucking some dude's just like all day being gay just willy fucking nilly just burning the gay candle at both ends yep yep doing pilates he's the only guy in the class which is the gayest thing you do i used to have a gay roommate for about four months and he would chew gum in his fucking sleep and i was like what is going on he was a figure skater he could jump over a toyota tersel the front wow just the front yeah side to side couldn't go that's insane and he's jumping literally at an angle and kind of oh he do the spin the axle crazy that's awesome he could axle over figure skater yeah where'd you meet him we met him um we were shopping my buddy and i were shopping for firewood and we met him at a Vons one afternoon. We just moved to Los Angeles.
He was doing tricks in the parking lot. Yeah, he was just doing that fucking Piro.
Your buddy's like, hey, pal, ease off the Tercel. I just got rid of the Mitsubishi.
I can turn this fucking car off. The last thing I need is a gay heel going through my windshield.
Yeah, I ton just buffing it with his feet as he passes over well i do think some things that uh i do i will say this though also donald trump campaigned harder than fucking anyone for a 78 year old man. Yeah.
It's unbelievable. Yeah.
I mean, I think he loves the attention of. Oh, I agree.
You know what I mean? But to even do it. Yeah.
Like I just can't even believe. I mean, that like blew my mind just how how much he could do.
You know, I think that's his favorite part, though. You saw him.
He all he was electric on the fucking mic bro yeah he loves doing his thing he loves getting he loves

crushing dude he's like he loves getting in front of this crowd just fucking riffing like i dude you

think that motherfucker wants to be in meetings or you think he wants to be talking to the nelk boys

about how he used to get pussy in the 80s or whatever the fuck he was doing like that's the

part he likes he doesn't want to listen to fucking reports about fucking stats and numbers and shit no he wants to eat a big mac drink a diet coke and go on bussing with the boys he's like oh yeah yeah yeah cut the mics let me tell you a little something suzanne summers yeah yeah funny i will say I think one of the funniest guys have been had, though. Entertaining.
Without question. That's the thing.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you he's not fucking. He's funny as shit, which is, I think, why things are so.
That's why he was able to sneak through. If somebody was saying the exact same shit with no humor at all, it would be horrifying.
It would. It would be.
It's fucking fucking he says insane shit and but it's funny as fuck and he seems gay that's the other thing he's a new york gay guy who happens to be straight i guess well he behaved i mean come on he's his mannerisms his little person of the he behaves like a gay guy is what i'm saying he's got queen he's a he's a he seems like a gay guy from queens he's from queens he has like that little his hair and queen his fucking spray tan no he's from queens oh he is yeah yeah i don't spray tan he i'm saying i don't think he's gay but he does have gay mannerisms okay well this is doing this doing this like his little fucking where the gays for Trump. That was the best.
Like, where are they? They're here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A couple gays for Trump. Where the squirrels for Trump.
They're here. Look at them.
Where's my African-American? Blacks for Trump. Where the gays? Two of them right there.
Let them loose. Let them loose, guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if somebody whispers in his ear.
Good to see you, boys. Harriet Tubman's here.
He's joking. Dude, the best was he brought up Nicky Jam.
He thought it was a woman. He's like, Nicky Jam is here.
Beautiful. And it's a fucking dude.
Some dude off Instagram. Some guy named Nicky Jam.
Some dude with a mouthful of Zim rolls up there. Just fucking slitting stay awake juice into the fucking audience no he's so but that like i'm not gonna sit here and tell you the guys he's so fucking funny i win like i but so it's a court so that's one thing that because i i just hear that a lot people like i'm so scared like what are you fucking like that's a part of i just never believe the government's gonna affect affect my life that much i agree with you the president the presidential the president doesn't have that much power uh and if it wasn't for the supreme court i would be like who really gives a fuck the democrats didn't run any kind of coherent campaign they don't want to i i hope i hope this will make because look i my politics are further left than that i'm not a democrat registered registered.
Bernie is the only guy I liked in a long time because I thought he was the only human being who was like a real person of integrity. I think Donald Trump just is a, the idea that he's different from politicians is crazy.
He's a rich guy who had, you know, he grew up rich. He's a class president for sure, type.
Yeah, and it's like his dad, you know, he was like his dad was a fucking slumlord. He's just a rich guy who's fucked over people on deals forever.
He's, I don't like, you know, I have class issues, right? I don't, I tend to not trust super rich guys and I don't see how he's going to do anything different. I think it's naive to think he's going to be different than, I understand not trusting the democratic establishment, but it's like to me, Trump's funny, but he is, he's a fucking billionaire propped up by other billionaires.
That's, I think he's part of just the, the complex that runs our country. And I don't think he's any different.
Right. The only person that I like.
It's going to be a challenge to see if he is. Like, I mean, they'll think, you know.
He was already, that's the other weird thing. He was already, we're talking about him like he's the shaking up force he was already fucking president oh yeah it's not he's not new that's what's weird both of them were both that both of them were that that was a fallacy both of them had it was like and kamo's like it'll be different like well it's fucking i know and that's home and make it different right now and that's why absolutely you're in off you're in power right now do something god knows joe ain't doing shit that guy's been having ice cream for six months and they pretended and when they that's what that's what lost me as a democrat when they that's when they lost me was when they lied about or when they just i just didn't like the way they treated that old man yeah you know it's not fucking cool because then he believes he's doing great totally so he wakes up every day different he's listening doesn't know any different.
He's listening to the music. He's fucking riding for his bike.
He's looking for fucking, I mean, what are they doing here? He's looking awesome there, honestly. Is this the end of an amazing race? Yeah, yeah.
To heaven? It looks like he's just about to finish a fucking marathon. Yeah.
But he just got out of his car. And they're still pretending every day.
They just told him the other day he's the fucking mayor of Wisconsin. And he's like, can I have some cheese curds? Yeah.
Unlimited ice cream and milk. Well, and that's why I agree with you.
I think they made a fucking huge mistake in running him again. Like when he ran the first time, it's like, I get it.
People were scared of another thing of Trump. So like put some fucking, you know, put some middle of the road as Democrat, but then they should have had an open primary.
Like, yeah, just like a railroaded thing. People could actually vote on the issues they care about.
And they just didn't do that. And, and she even had an opportunity to, if she came out with any fucking, um, you know, I'm just pissed off.
She didn't release any new music yeah there was nothing new let's say there's all biden remixes and nobody likes biden yeah and you can't just hit and she's trying to go after blacks with a mixtape you got a fucking little production yeah it was she dropped a lot of diss tracks yeah but no yeah nothing you no yeah just didn't hit yeah but look man i think it's just crazy how um i don't know it'll be interesting it's a lot of pressure to see i'm i'm most excited about rfk and uh jd vance was super cool when he came on the podcast he's a human trump's hard to get to know i don't know that jd to me he seems like a traditional just say whatever it takes to get elected snake, to be honest with you. I know,

you know, you had him on, he was cool here, but he was a guy who said he hated Trump. He said some fucked up shit about women.
Like, I just think he's a, and venture capitalist guys are fucking worms to begin with. I don't trust JD Vance at all.
I think he's a piece of shit also. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, just, I think he's a cut in the regular ass Republican that'll say any fucking fucked up thing to get into power. He sucked Trump's cock after saying he called him Hitler or whatever.
And he made a complete turn when he realized it was politically advantageous to be on Trump's side. I think he also is just a run of the mill piece of shit politician.
Like I just do think all politicians is a weird thing to be, right? But that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying is like, I've never been excited about, the politics I've been excited about was Obama when I was 18.
Same, I voted for Obama. And I think he did have a real opportunity to do something and it turned out he didn't really do shit.
And then he didn't, man. But that's the thing that always happens.
Yeah. At least that was something that was like, and I think part of that was Obama was just too inexperienced.
I think if he had a little more, you know, he didn't know what he was doing with the Senate. The healthcare thing got completely fucked and universal healthcare.
I had Obamacare. It was bad.
It was, they didn't, they, they ended up. I saw some, a set of cups cups they sent me.
Nice dude. You got, you got a mug.
That's the, yeah. No, it's like, I kind of like some plastic cups of it.
I still use them. Yeah.
But he got worked over by thinking he could actually, you know, find common ground with the Republicans. They should have just rammed the legislation down their throat.
They had both, both houses at the time. Anyway, whatever.
Yeah. The, and the only person I was excited about was Bernie because I think he was actually in that run in 2016.
He was like, he would have been cool. Would have been cool.
But the Democrats shut that shit down. I, Hey man, well, one, I like Vance as a guy, seem like a nice guy.
I know that like, like he's like, you know, they say like Peter Thiel is like the guy that got him in office, that sort of thing. But then you start to see that all these guys have backers.
Will things be different with some of these guys? I don't know. I think, but one thing that's cool is that we both like Bernie.
I like Bernie too. I would have voted for Bernie.
See, that's the, is I think those ideas unite people because he's just saying like, look, we have issues to deal with. There's real issues.
We're not going to pretend shit's good when it's not. And let's find real ways to do it that everybody gets and every, that's real equality.
He wants to help everyone because it's not about, it's not a fucking, it's not about like, you know, cultural shit. It's about economic shit.
And more people are disaffected because of the, you know, people at the top. And I think that's a message that everyone can agree with.
And I think when people aren't looking at things ideologically, if you just ask them about issues, people agree on a lot of fucking issues. They want to be able to fucking buy a house.
They want to be able to afford shit. And they want to be able to fucking, you know, get healthcare.
How many people do we know? Like I have, you know, I know people, extended family, stuff like that that are struggling off shit that they shouldn't, because somebody got sick and it derails your whole fucking family. We talk about that all the time.
It's fucked up. The number one cause of, I mean, we say this all the time now, because it's one of the few facts I know, but the number one cause of bankruptcy america is medical debt crazy and so it's a fucking the whole system is a money laundering scam yeah and i don't know why that hasn't changed and if you would think at some point one of these fucking groups would be able to change the shit you know it's i mean there is so much money in politics and i was right but it's just the it's so people are so fed up with the fucking system.
I system. You almost want there to be a war to end it all or whatever.
I know what you mean, man. You know what I'm saying? I do know what you mean, and some people do believe that.
Some people think there's no way. Something has to change because this is not changing over time, right? Yeah, some people believe revolution is the only way to fucking do it.
Talking about a red sun. Hey, Tony tried to start one.
one. That was the main reason, like Shane said it too, on his podcast, it would have been so funny to be able to blame Tony.
If Kamala won, it would have just been like, you bombed so hard that the part of your candidate fucking lost. How fun would that be to tell Tony for the rest of his life? That's actually the thing I'm most pissed off about.
Supreme Court is number two after being able to mock Tony for the rest of my life. That's what I regret the most about the election.
He was sweating. I sat there and watched it with him.
He was sweating, man. I think we could, I know that we could do better in this country about being, making useful things.
I was just looking the other day in Japan. Is it in Japan where they have the sidewalks turn power a fucking building? You're walking by them.
The fucking building's powered by people walking on. That's fucking cool.
Yeah, our infrastructure is so fucked too. It's like- Our trains don't even work.
High-speed rail, we need like- Dude, our trains, if you you're on a train the other day it got robbed by a bunch of people on horseback like the mtrak's getting the fucking the 310 the yuma treatment it's unreal dude you go to the post office you go in there you're like yeah i'm looking for this package you get a piece of paper the guy comes back two days later and asks you who the fuck you are, right? You're like, where have you been? I know, dude. You're like, what is even going on in here? It's fucking crazy, it's crazy.
It's falling around, dude. Yeah, but it's like meanwhile, we have all these homeless people wandering around town.
If you put them all in an area and set up one of these, cause this floor in Japan turns footsteps into electricity. Play a bit of it there.
So you're thinking- In Japan, even walking generates electricity. Tokyo Metro- I don't like this guy's voice.
The trains are powered. So electric technology and its floors to convert the energy- Yeah, I mean- But if you can get 50 or 70 homeless people to power a Jamba Juice or something, you know? I agree with you, dude.
How fucking great they dance for 12 minutes or whatever and bam the fucking it's exercise for them it's good electricity the blender's cut on in there and they get a free smoothie for their trouble what do we do but instead everybody's like they need pills you know it's like fucking no that's it that's a perfect example though of homelessness it's like give them homes yeah we have the we know what it takes like get make fucking apartment buildings and like that has been shown to work and most people just don't have access but there is all this weird like you will create non-profits to to help the homeless that cost more than just getting them little apartments recipe books yeah them recipe books. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And they'll just keep busting them back and forth.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. He's like, it's basically political parties play red Rover with them.
I know what they should do is, is instead of busting them, sign them up for Southwest miles. Yeah.
And then they get some fucking miles out of it. Give them a Southwest credit card.
Every time ship them from Texas to New York to fucking wherever the fuck and then they can go on vacation. They can earn some points.
You're not free to cough about the cabin. Someone's just hacking up a fucking dead sparrow in his throat.
I only say that because I was in San Francisco one time and my guy threw a fucking bird at me for no reason. Oh my God.
It was a sparrow? small enough small enough it could have been a um a warbler but i'm gonna get him back yeah we'll see you put an air tag in his in his bindle and you're tracking him you're gonna get him back every time i close my eyes i still see what he looks like you know that's horrifying birds to me are unsettling Yeah. To have one thrown at you is very tough.

The dirtiest surprise.

Yeah.

We did great, man. Star Wars Man, the new movie.

Let's start a cult.

Let's start a cult.

Out on VOD right now.

Go to Apple, Amazon, wherever you like to rent movies.

Go check it out, please.

I'm begging you.

We got the calendar.

We have a new tour coming out, the Dreamboat tour.

And yeah, I really appreciate you having me on, dude.

It's always so fun.

This is my favorite podcast to do.

It's so much fucking fun.

Really, dude?

I love it. You're the best to riff with.
Thanks so much, man. I'm going to come back in December so I can do yours in.
Please. Yeah.
Would love to have you. Remember, I didn't even know you were the guy from Comptown that I liked.
That was so fun, dude. You're like, I met that guy once.
I was like, it was me, dude. That's crazy, dude.
But I love that.

That's awesome.

Would it be the same?

We'll fucking play some Clapton.

I'll have you play a little guitar while I get my dick sucked.

It'll be like old times, dude.

Just take those old records off the shelf.

Thank you, Sub. You're the man, dude.
I'm just floating on the breeze And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone

Oh, but when I reach that ground

I'll share this peace of mind I found

I can feel it in my bones

But it's gonna take a little bit