E531 Kevin Smith

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We're excited to come visit. Today's guest is a filmmaker, writer, speaker, comic book aficionado.
You know him from his films, Clerks, Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob, Dogma, Tusk, and the list goes on.

He has a new film out now called The 430 Movie, loosely based on his childhood in New Jersey.

I'm thankful to spend time today with Mr. Kevin Smith.
Shine that light on me

I'll sit and tell you my stories

Shine on me

And I will find a song

I've been singing I've been singing I've been singing

Sharp.

Yeah, look at me.

I'm in fucking monochrome.

Is that what that print is?

Black and white.

Oh, monochrome is black and white.

Okay, sweet.

Yeah, I didn't know that.

I mean, I've heard of it before.

Fuck yeah, you have. But yeah.
You're a smart guy. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, I'm not a dumb. Yeah, I mean, I'm.
Yeah, don't fucking, don't sweat. You knew monochrome.
It's just one of those things you didn't need. And then it happened.
And then you're like, why didn't I? But you did. Yeah.
I've seen you speak. You're no dummy.
Yeah. It was always in there somewhere.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Probably used it.
You probably busted it once or twice in your life. Oh, I've definitely, I mean, I've been involved in some like, it's not right.
It's like the most racial of screens. If it's monochrome, right? It's black and white kind of.
It's the, it's the apartheid of print. Yeah.
I scream it when I come. I'm like, monochrome.
Because Clerks was in black and white. Yeah.
So everything ties back to Clerks. Oh.
Only Clerks. The only way I could come now is thinking of Clerks.
Well, I love the mall rat shoes, man. Those are so, I mean, that's really cool.
Did we start? Yeah, we'll start. Who made those? Are we started? Yeah, we can.
Is that okay? Yeah, that's totally cool's totally cool modern podcasting i've not gotten that hang of like we started back in like 2007 we were doing smockers my cast yeah there was always like welcome to smockers i'm kevin smith i'm scott mosher so there was an official beginning but lately any podcast i've been on it was bullshitting and all of a sudden you're five minutes, I bet you we started and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, sometimes it's like I think sometimes some places things are a little more formal. I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like if you start, if I say start, then it doesn't go as – I don't know. I mean, you're a director.
What is that like if you say – Well, it depends who you ask. I like to think of a director, but you go on the internet, they'll tell you a lot fucking different.
He was a director maybe once in his fucking first movie. Every day online, somebody tells me I'm terrible at my job.
For the last like 30 years that I've been doing the job. You know what that's like.
Or maybe you don't. You're like, I've never gotten a bad fucking review.
Do you dig into your comments? Yeah, no, I don't dig into too much man i was actually talking um joe rogan i spoke with him recently and he was saying don't read the good shit don't read the bad shit bro are we gonna start dropping names this early in the sorry i mean you just whipped that out like a cock yeah like fucking who are you louis ck i I wasn't ready for all of a sudden we're talking joe rogan and shit what why are we here like i thought you were a nashville person yeah i live in nashville yeah but we can we have we we kept our studio here and so sometimes we tape here so you live in do you live in nashville i live in tennessee yeah full-time we're in tennessee i live just like right outside of the city i live kind of by like Lipscomb high school you live near Nashville yeah yeah um I fuck with Tennessee a lot they like us there quite a bit like I was just in Kingsport because we did the

Smoky Mountain Fan Fest and then like a month before that I was in uh Knoxville like anytime

I'd go out and do shows that's generally a place that I've always wound up I was in can I tell you

a fucking story real quick so I was in recently I was in kentucky i went and did a show in lexington lexington is awesome beautiful right so i'm i you know when i'm i'm i'm vegan i hate saying that because everyone's like fuck you now i'm eating twice as much meat i'm like all right that's on you yeah people don't get tight but i want vegan because it's like being stomach gay or whatever hey they i want i i i had a heart attack six and a half years ago so i wound up going vegan and it helped used to be happy now i'm fucking vegan so it's just part of you know it's just what i do but i don't try to push it on people and shit like that like when i started smoking weed back in the day i was definitely like proselytizing for that. Like, Oh my God, you should try this.
Veganism. I don't proselytize for because people get really triggered by the word.
Now, if somebody is like, Hey man, how'd you lose that fucking weight? Or, you know, some people have been like, you fucking Olympic bitch. I'm like, no fuck.
I, I went vegan after my heart attack. That's how the weight went away.
Not because like, you know, I necessarily tried, although I do now fucking walk over 10,000 steps a day. But I was like, I don't want to die.
So let me try this. And I thought I'd do it for a few months and then go back.
And then I never went back. Being vegan, you mean? Yeah.
Yeah. Can you still have houseplants if you're a vegan? Or is that like a weird? Absolutely.
Number one, I'm sure I am on some level an ethical vegan who should think about that. Like, I do love animals, so I'm sure that's some part of why it's easy for me to be vegan.
But I was not one of those, like, I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do. I did it to save my fucking life.
Yeah. And it worked out and shit.
So even if I was like, fuck a house plant, I'd still go vegan. Where are you going with that house plant thing, though? Oh, I just didn't know if you were like a plant, if you only eat, because vegan means you can only eat plants? It's the idea that, well, I'm plant-based.
Okay. So it's the idea that if I can't have a plant-based, because I'm like, well, this is my friend, but I'm going to eat them.
Well, it would just seem like they would catch on. It would be like having a fish tank and being a person that eats fish.
Yeah, and being a pescatarian. Pescatarian.
Yeah, I guess I was like, at some point, they're going to catch on. You know what I'm saying? They're going to be like, this guy's playing both sides of the net.
And the plants are going to start leaning more out and shit. Get defensive.
That's where the Venus flytrap came from. A plant that was like, I must defend myself against a vegan.
That was one of the first craziest movies that i ever heard when i was a kid uh little shop of horrors yeah little shop of horrors it was like a weird movie musical about like a venus flytrap yeah yeah the audrey too and had a plant that came from outer space though oh that's you didn't lose a lot of sleep over did you no i didn't i wasn't i don't think it scared me it was just interesting it was like a little bit before my time like right like we didn't lose a lot of sleep over it, did you? No, I didn't. I wasn't.
I don't think it scared me. It was just interesting.
It was like a little bit before my time. Like, right.
Like we didn't. I don't know if I've ever seen it.
I saw this shit on off-Broadway. Because I grew up like on the East Coast.
Oh, you saw the musical. Yeah, like on stage and shit.
Before it became this musical. Which was awesome as well.
Oh, before it became a movie. Yeah, yeah.
Wow. So it was a big musical first.
It was. Off- Off-Broadway hit.
And that was a big-ass puppet, like, on stage. Yeah, there's a picture of it right there, I guess.
Well, yeah, kind of. There's on stage, the ones to the right in that one picture, that looks like the stage show.
Oh, I forgot. Again, modern podcast, you guys, like, have a screen, and you spend an inordinate amount of time looking at images and videos and shit that was something that never occurred to us in 2007 yeah you just had to use your imagination we just talked to each other and there was also no real video component like that was the attraction of doing the podcast is like i can just fucking do it dressed like however i am it's like voicing animation or something yeah but you all have gotten it down to a fucking science like i, you know, when I went to Tom Segura's place, fucking, well, Joe, of course, and Bert, all y'all have free drinks.
Like I was just out there and they're like, you want water? And that's kind of standard. And I was like, oh yeah, I'll have water.
They're like, or would you like Celsius? I was like, what do you mean? And there's a fucking Celsius cooler out there. Yeah.
That is stock, it's more stock than a 7-Eleven. Whose fucking dick are you sucking to get that much Celsius, man? Oh, dude.
And what am I doing wrong, Theo? I don't know. You're sucking dick vegan? It can be.
Okay. You just don't swallow the meat.
Okay. You know what I'm saying? You put it in your mouth, you just don't swallow it.
Why on earth can't I get this fucking podcast thing down to a science i'm doing it but you were one of the i mean you you were one of the early guys in it do you know what here's where i thought and i've said this on other podcasts so we'll do other things and shit vonward that's awesome um like i thought i was so smart because i was like oh we'll do all these podcasts and we give them out for free and then when i'm in their town doing a live show that's when they'll buy a ticket because they've gotten all this free and that was how i was like and that's how we'll make money on podcasting so that was your strategy from the beginning you're saying that was my generation i mean i it wasn't my strategy it was just like we really it just started because i was like this is fucking fun and we're me and mozier sitting around like goofing off and having a microphone on fun conversations appealed to me. We always take snapshots of people and whatnot.
There are pictures to memorialize a moment, capture a moment, but nobody ever really records a conversation and shit, a normal conversation. If you're on TV, sure.
So that's why I loved podcasts and the idea of doing that shit. And then one day we had a lot of people listening to podcasts and they were like, uh, my, my business manager was like, uh, you got a bill for a thing called the server.
And it was like really high. And I was like, what the fuck is this? And it turns out podcasting is free for everybody, but the fucking podcaster is particularly if people watch the podcast and shit.
So we were hosting on our own server. So we had to figure out like, all right, what the fuck? How do we pay for this? And I was like, well, we could do it live.
We could start doing live shows. But even before that, like, I remember like we were, it was, it was so primitive and we were reverse engineering going like, what, what did they do in the early days of TV? Like on 21, that game show, they had Geritol, like as a sponsor, maybe we should get an advertiser.
Like like we've been watching tv our whole lives but when we were doing the podcast like it was it was less going like perhaps someone will pay us to say things about their product like they did in the 50s so hard way of learning it really was rudimentary it got harder because the sponsor we reached out to the first sponsor we had was fleshlight like because they had written had written me a letter after Zach and Mary make a porno because we had a whole Fleshlight scene. And they were like, hey, man, if you ever want to do a Fleshlight, fucking let us know.
And still, one day, I will do the Kevin Smith's mouth. Like, fuck him in the mouth.
My own Fleshlight. Yeah.
That, you know, a fan. Well, then people leaving angry comments can actually take it.
You know what I'm saying? That's what I'm saying. A fan and an enemy, somebody who hates your shit, a fan and a hater could both enjoy that.
Like, fuck Kevin Smith. Or, fuck Kevin Smith.
So they had written this really lovely letter and filed it away. Like, oh, that's cute.
Fleshlight, you mean. Fleshlight.
And then when we needed to pay the server bill and shit, I said to Scott Mojo, I was like, man, what if we reach out to Fleshlight?

Like, maybe they'll sponsor our few shows if we, like,

and so they were way into it.

Like, this was so early in the game.

We're talking, like, 2007, maybe on the cusp of 2008.

Wow.

So much so that Rogan called me, like, in 2010,

going, like, should I fucking use Fleshlight? And I was like, for your dick? And he goes, no, for the show. And I was like, number one, use it for your dick.
It's amazing. I said, number two, definitely use it for the show.
And so they started advertising on Joe's show, and then they started selling way more Fleshlights because they'd been with us for like two years, and anybody who listened to us is like, we're fucking it already yeah you know it's its own market's got a glass yeah but once he went to joe they shattered the glass ceiling joe rogan shattered the glass ceiling for fleshlight there's your fucking headline that's what you don't get credit for so that's so we had to figure that shit out and then like i remember trying to take it out on a live show like i used to do q a's just be by myself evening with kevin smith and shit like that yeah kind of close to comedy but more i guess now they call it crowd work where it's like look i need you to say something before i could be funny and so i'd let the audience ask questions and then i'd go off and stuff like that yeah because i've seen you guys do live podcasts and um over the years i mean obviously seen you do a lot of stuff but for the listeners who don't know a server, it's like where you kind of host your podcast so that it can go out into the world. So we were just on the server that our files were on and the emails.
What is that? It's for the office. It's the viewsqueue.com server.
So we hosted a website, right, viewsqueue.com. So because of that, we already had a server up and running.
So that's where we started hosting them we didn't like now you feed them into apple podcasts that shit necessarily didn't oh that's true that might not even have been there so people had to get it like it was almost like a am like a cb radio like there were probably people listening on cb radio we were fucking distributing podcasts via carrier pigeon at that point like we would roll up little things to their legs and and send them off. And people in other cities would be like, I get it.
I get it. It was weird going into a comedy club and going like, we want to do a podcast here.
Like, cause you know, I toured so much by myself that when I asked my agent at one point, I was like, Hey man, me and Moj want to go out and do some podcasts in front of people. So can you hook it up? Like in any of the gigs I normally do, but all those places like didn't want to pay me what they normally paid me.
They're like, what are you doing? And I'm like, well, I'm sitting next to my friend and we're talking to each other. And they're like, and you're not going to take questions.
I was like, no, I not. I mean, maybe I guess, but that's not really part of the show.
They're like, I don't know. That sounds risky.
And so we had to fucking do the show for like 70, 30 splits, like at very small clubs. Because they were like, what do you mean a podcast? Like that kind of shit.
So after the first tour, and then we put the shows out, people were like, oh shit, it's fun. And doing it with a live audience was this weird experience.
Because we'd always done it in a room like this with nobody but each other entertaining each other. And then suddenly do it in front of people.
You know, it's a world of difference. Yeah.
I mean, podcast, the podcast, that was the N word of like, like whatever, you know, video, audio communication or whatever for a while. Like you wouldn't even say it.
Or if somebody said you were like, this guy's outlier or this guy's a, you know, a pervert or whatever for a while like you wouldn't even say it or if somebody said you were like this guy's outlier or this guy's a you know a pervert or whatever or you know i think this guy's a pedo yeah yeah you're like pedo cast is that what you fucking said i remember when we did yeah we're here to have you seen all these videos every video now online is just like this guy's here to meet a 14 year old you time? No. Is that right? Yeah, sorry.
I mean, there's a TV show all about that. Yeah, but now it's like everybody's a vigilante.
People are doing it on their own? Vigilante. It's so rogue.
There's an industry of this. Who's the guy that does it? What's his name? Chris Hansen.
Which, to be fair, he's good at it, but I guess anybody could... The Stan Lee of pedalo busting, Chris Hansen, that's what it says, it's Chiron in every TV appearance.
Now it's, now it's just, I mean, it's people, I mean, there's thousands of them that go up all the time. It's just like constantly, Tyrone came to meet a 13 year old girl.
It's always at like a Walmart or something. But yeah, it's a big business now, right? I shouldn't say it's not a big but catching these people baiting them online yourself people just to create a you know and then get views and stuff like that is a thing um it's a dark world but i interrupted you but um yeah that's so wild i didn't even think tusk our main character was a podcaster and there were a bunch of yeah hayley joe who is it hayley and and justin long was the guy who got turned into a walrus but like that when we put the movie out there there were some reviews that were like he has a job i've never heard of before and shit like that like if i gave it was a now it feels like well i mean like only murders in the buildings is predicated on podcasting.

Yeah.

Like podcasting has become absolutely massive.

But yeah, I'd never figured out how to make money from it.

Certainly not enough to have a fucking Celsius fridge.

Yeah.

What is that all about?

How does that happen?

Dude, they mailed it one day and the guys.

Who's they?

I want details, Theo.

You can't just fucking gloss over this.

Like that's the most impressive thing I've seen in a month.

Lord Celsius, I guess, sent it.

Is that who it was?

What is he like?

You know what?

That's bad of me.

I'm assuming it's a guy.

Could be a lady, but I assume you would have called her Lady Celsius.

Yeah, Her Majesty.

Yeah, I don't know.

The Empress Celsius.

Yes, the Empress Celsius.

That's who it is.

Fuck all this fooling around.

How did you get that free shit?

Tell me right now. Yeah, we had a sponsorship with them, and then they sent that at some point.
And it's kind of like some of the guys have struggled. Some of the guys can't turn their necks.
They've had so much of it. It's fucking.
My kid introduced me to it because she's like, it's vegan. You can drink it.
I was like, right on. Kids are drinking it? Yeah.
Well, she's 25. I guess I don't know if she counts as a kid anymore.
But one day she came over, and we were recording a podcast, we got podcasts that's dropping on iHeart. It's called Beardless Dickless Me, I got a free plug.
But we were about to record, and I cracked a Celsius, and she was like, how many of those you've had today? And I was like, this is the 10th? And she goes, what are you fucking nuts? It's an energy drink. And I was like, you said it was vegan.
She's like, those two things are not mutually exclusive. She's like, you're a fucking heart attack victim.
She's like, and then she went online, like the way you guys are like, somebody's in another room fucking looking shit up. She immediately went online.
She was like, oh my God, you can't have more than fucking two a day. What are you, nuts? Yeah, they're very strong.
But they're tasty, man. They're good.
But they never felt that strong to me. Like I never felt like hyped, but maybe you don't feel it.
Maybe that's the thing about a drug, right? I've never been in the throes of drug abuse maybe i am and i don't even fucking know it i've i mean i could be enslaved to celsius i never met anybody that's had 10 my friend brad used to work for a red bull and he would um i've never met anybody that's had one running a wild crowd and you're like i watch videos that are fucking the dark web and shit and you've never met anyone that's not in not even in one week. I don't know.
I mean, I don't know. I have a, I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a,

I have a couple of friends that probably have, but they, I just, we haven't talked about it, I guess. But the one thing that I was thinking about was my friend, Brad used to work for Red Bull and he said at their Chris, there's a one 800 number.
If people are like, have had too much Red Bull or whatever they call, I guess. They call up, help me.
What do I do? You know, the devices in our lives are so connected these days. Whether it's your watch is connected to your thermostat or your cell phone helps run the lights in your home.
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That's 20% off your first order when you shop Better Hydration today using promo code Theo at liquidiv.com. That to my wife with like weed once we were on the bus and we were in st louis doing some shows in st louis and i had a bus in those days um because i wouldn't fly because i got thrown off an airplane for being too fat and uh so i traveled by bus and everyone was like you're like madden but i didn't know what that was.
Were you too fat? Did they pull a scale out or how did they even do it? They just guess? Uh, they, I, the way I understand it years after the fact, uh, was cause somebody was like, Hey man, I work in the industry. I think this is what happened cause they never flat out told me.
Um, it was a packed fucking flight. I wasn't even supposed to be on that flight.
I was supposed to go to the next flight, but they had room, so I was like, oh, fuck it, I'll get on this. When I walked down the jetway, excuse me, like the one guy was like, where are you going? And I was like, they gave me a ticket I'm getting on.
And he's like, no, there's too many already. And I was like, well, the lady just gave me this.
And he's like, ah. So I walked onto the plane, sat down, I was sat between like two women in like the bulkhead of like if you first walk in and you go to the left that's we were on the right side of the plane and you know I'm sitting there and shit and fucking buckled my seatbelt and whatnot and the armrests were there and I was definitely fucking weight heavier than I am now how much do you think you were were? I probably weighed my area code, which was 323.
What? Yeah, I was as high as 334 at one point. I think that's the biggest I went.
We look like a healthy 185 right now. I live between 185 and 200, depending on if it's a bread week or not a bread week and whatnot.
If I'm breading up, then I kind of tend to bloat up and stuff. Oh, yeah.
But that was, again, that was the heart attack. That was like after the heart attack, I was so fucking terrified of dying and shit.
And actually, I wasn't. At the heart attack, I was fucking cool about it.
Like I was always scared of dying and shit. And then on the table, like the guy had told me, Dr.
Leidenheim, my guy, my cardiologist who just fucking retired. And he told me before he retired, I was like, well, now that you're going, what do I fucking do? Who's my new cardiologist? And he was like, Kevin, you don't need a cardiologist anymore.
It was like the end of Wizard of Oz. It's like, you could have always taken care of your own heart.
Just put your feet together or whatever the fuck. But he was going like, you're passing now.
He's going, now you just go to your regular internist. And then if you've got a problem, then you go to a specialist.
And I was like, well, I don't even have that. And so he introduced me to a new guy.
But in any event, going way back to me on the table, that doctor, Dr. Leidenheim, he goes, you're having what they call widow maker heart attack.
You know what that is? And like, it kind of self-explanatory, but I was like, kind of, they jumped me up on fentanyl so i was like no geez what is it i was very chatty and he was like uh it means in 80 of the cases where the patient has what you have the patient always dies but you're gonna be in the 20 because i'm good at my job and he disappeared into my crotch and made magic that's how they get to your fucking heart is through your dick isn't no way they use a catheter they they go through catheter no well they go through your femoral they technically don't go through your dick but it's right next to your is dick adjacent yeah close as possible like if somebody was fucking if you were like lick me where they fucking put that fuck but lick me on my femoral you're close enough to the dick where you might as well just fucking go over and give that one as well so they went right through the femoral to the heart and you know how they're always always telling me, like, I'm waiting at a man's heart and his stomach.

Bullshit.

Right through the fucking dick.

Wow.

Science.

Right there.

Science.

So he told me that.

And I'd always been afraid of dying.

But, like, you know, nothing I could do at that moment.

Like, all the fucking damage had been done.

Whatever I'd eaten.

Fucking my genetics.

Whatever the fuck led me to that moment.

So all the fucking, like, why in the world wasn't going to help.

So I just started facing the fact, like, since I was looking up, I i was like this might be the last ceiling i see for the rest of my life and this may be the last room i'm in and what'd you wear i was wearing a hockey jersey because i was doing a special i was doing a stand-up special that eventually came out it happened on stage that you had a heart not on stage it was between two shows now when you're going to tape a show you shoot two shows and they put the best of it together. We shot our first show.
Then I went backstage and we had an hour before the next show. And in that hour, that's when it all fucking happened.
I was like sweating. I was like, can't fucking quite catch my breath and shit.
So while I was laying on the table, I got comfortable with the notion of dying. Like dying suddenly, I was like, oh shit, this is like graduation.
Like I left high school. Like if I could leave this world, if I left high school and high school was fun and I hated to see it end, if I left that, you know, and the shit worked out, I can leave this.
There's an ending. Of course there's an ending to everything.
There was a song. Fucking turn, turn, turn.
You got this. Yeah.
Beatles. Yeah.
Well, I don't know. I think it was the birds.
But regardless, somebody will look it up for you.

Yeah.

And so you so.

So I was lying there and I was cool with the notion of like fucking dying.

Really?

I come to total peace with it where I was like, you know what, man?

Like I have my time.

Like and this is it.

And like you had a real good life, better than fucking most.

You did some cool shit and whatnot.

There I was.

Wow.

And I was like, so if this is the case.

You look handsome for a dying guy. Not bad, right? Well, I was on stage previously, right? Oh, that's true.
I was coming right off stage. No makeup, it's still.
But still. So I was like, if this is it, this is it.
You know, like you push back from the table. Don't be the last guy at the party that's like, hey, man, you got any more beer? Like, fuck off.
And you had your time. So I was cool with that.
So I was okay with dying. Utterly at peace.
I was like, if it ends, it it ends it ends did you get to talk to anybody before sorry the doctor just the guy who was in my fucking crotch did you write a note to a kid or to your children or no because it was it all happened so fast like my wife wasn't there the kid wasn't there they didn't find out until after the fucking fact and shit so they had to get you on the table immediately as soon as i got to the they took me picked me up from me up from an ambulance from the Alex Theater in Glendale and took me, they're supposed to take me to a closer hospital as per the shoot schedule. Like whenever you shoot a thing, there's like, this is where you got to go if somebody gets hurt.
That hospital was closer. But the first responders, the medics picked me up.
Motherfuckers saved my life. I don't even know their names.
I got to figure, know what? I gotta go out and find their names. These two kids came in backstage at the Alex Theater and they were trying to put leads on me and shit.
Which leads? You know, like on your chest so they can measure your heart rate or whatever the fuck. So I was wearing a hockey jersey and again, I was way heavier and shit.
And they lift up my shirt. I'm like, whoa, man, fucking you never do that to a fucking heavy dude.
I was like, whoa, what are you talking about? They're like, we got to get these on. I was like, well, fucking, I'll hold it out.
You reach under. But there's too many fucking people in and shit.
So they did that. And once they took a reading, like, I do remember the woman looking at the man.
Like, you know, an unspoken look. You know, supposedly I'm a director for a living and shit.
So sometimes you got to frame a shit and show a moment. Like when somebody's cheating a clue or whatever.
Something like that. something like that.
You know, fucking just one of those. Wasn't that shifty where it's like, Oh, what does that mean? But I did see a glance between them.
And then my man goes, you know what? We're going to take you to the hospital. And I was like, Oh, please don't do that.
This is embarrassing. He goes, no, just in case he's going, look, it'll help me.
Like, it'll look good for me and my job and stuff. And he's like, you never, you ever been to the hospital before? I was like, no, I visit people.
He goes, oh, you're going to love it. It's going to be great.
Like, you know. You're going to love it, huh? He was, he was selling it, man.
Maybe it was for a big farm or something. Well, he, thank God that dude made the call he did and her, the two of them, the two medics.
And they chose not to go to the hospital they were supposed to take me to. They went to one that was a little further away because they knew that was the one where heart people went.
And thank God they took me to that one. And that guy who saved my life, Dr.
Leidenheim. Leidenheim.
He got pulled in at the last minute and shit. All of it worked out.
But I saw another doctor, Dr. Paula, like months later, man, after this all happened.
After it happened, I went on Colbert and told the story i've told the story for like years and shit like that right so i finally see dr paul because we're gonna go make jay and silent bob reboots this is like 2019 and she's the doctor you see before you go make a movie or something that clears you you know especially for the director because you gotta you gotta they gotta insure you for the whole run of the show since i just had a massive heart attack the insurance was like, make sure this motherfucker could direct. We know he can't direct.
We've read the reviews, but make sure he can direct on set. So when I came in to see her, she was like, oh my God, look at you.
She's going, I heard about your story. I saw you talking about it on TV.
Everywhere you talk about the heart attack. I was like, yeah, I know.
And she's going, and you keep talking about how it was 80% chance of dying. I was like, yeah, she's gone.
I'm going to tell you right now. She's gone.
I'm going to tell you a story. I've wanted to tell you ever since I heard about your heart attack.
She's gone. You know, I used to be in cardio.
And I was like, get out of here. She's yeah.
And there were four of us. We're going to see iters on a heart patient, you know, open heart.
We're having the surgery. And all of a sudden, right in the middle of it, massive widow maker strikes.
I was like, well, if you're open heart surgery, have it in the hospital before doctors are around. She goes, not the patient, one of the doctors, drops to the fucking floor, has a massive heart attack.
And I was like, well, at least three other doctors in Cedars-Syne. She goes, that's the point of the story is we lost him.
She said, we had all the talent in the world and all the tools to save a human being, but when it comes to the widow maker, it ain't up to the doctor. She's going, I love Dr.
Layton, but you give him a lot more credit than he probably deserves because he did his job right, but it ain't even up to him at the end. Damn, he's not even any good.
I mean, he's good enough because I'm here, so I'll always believe in him. But she was like, that thing makes up its mind and does what it wants.
She's going, so she's going, I heard you say 80%. She's going, I just wanted to correct you.
That's not true. I was like, I always thought that was all right.
She goes, bullshit, it's 83%. 8317.
She's like, 83% patient goes. She's going, so you're here for a reason.
Keep telling that story. She's going, because people don't know.
She's like, the way you talk about it and shit, that's how most people think about it. It's true.
For the last five, six years, man, like this, no bullshit. Vonward.
I love that. Somebody made that for us.
It's fucking awesome. Very sweet of him.
I was walking on running recently. I got these two German Shepherds walking them up running, birdie and lucky.
And this tall dude stops me and he goes, hey man, I'm gonna have my headphones in. He goes, hey.
And I say, hey, what's up? And he's like, I just wanted to tell you, you have saved at least six lives at my job that I know of. And I was like, ooh, how? And he goes, I work at Kaiser.
I've had at least six people come in with heart ailments that reference you.

He's going, sometimes they know exactly who you are.

They'll say Kevin Smith.

He's going, a lot of times, I'll be honest, they say Kevin James,

but they're talking about you.

Sometimes they go, he's the guy.

He don't say nothing in movies.

He's going, but all of them have heard you talk about it.

And because they did, they were like, I should go in just in case.

And he's going, these people would have died otherwise. He's going, so keep doing what you're doing, so when i got out you know i went i was in the nuthouse like a year and a half ago and so when i got out of there like i put up a video and people magazine and shit yeah sorry it happened i mean everybody you'll get there one day oh i'm here yeah i could be there this afternoon but i'm hearing you well not with that free fucking celsius man you're living on easy street theo there are those of us who have to fucking pay for celsius you know how much i pay for those 289 a can this motherfucker can't i come in he goes take as many as you want i was like hello new best friend i want to work on your fucking show i'll just greet people like there's a nice dude who agreed to me in the fucking parking lot goes oh man i'm a big fan like i loved your movies when i was a kid and shit i'll be that guy especially if i get to walk home with like fucking oh 12 packs you'll float home dude there's um i ain't looking for free money dude i ain't that kind of like fucking all of carpet bagger but just just i just want to wet my beak a little on my tongue yeah just drip a little on my tongue they um the yeah all of our cabinets are filled with they've sent too much actually so what yeah don't fucking say shit like that i'm telling you like fucking how i i thought i knew i thought i had the podcast and came down to a science and you're like we have so much celsius we flush it down the toilet on a regular basis i'm like no yeah i'm gonna start throwing cans of it into a schoolyard you know what i'm saying saying? Fucking make it rock.
Fuck Kevin Smith. I'm like, why? You don't go here.
Watch the show. You'll understand.
I'm just going to write, get an EKG and just throw it into an elementary school. It's not good I don't live here or work here, bro, because I'd be doing 10, 20 of these a day and be like, hey, Theo, man, someone's in the parking lot.
They really want to be on the show. I'm like, dude, oh, that's a shadow, bro.
You're good. It tastes good, though.
It tastes good. Oh, no, it tastes really good.
I'll have some, too, actually. Well, don't fucking follow me into the hole, dude.
I got one here if you do. You want to take a spare? You have some of it.
Can I get that again? What flavor is that? Galaxy Vibe. Can I get another? This one I want Cosmic, and next I want to go Galaxy.
I'm tasting them all. You don't understand, man this shit again 239 cans so sometimes i'm in the 7-eleven i'm like i want to try cosmic vibe but 239 is expensive so now i know i could just come here if i can do a taste test sample them all what about mediocre vibe what about how much is that fucking that's what i sell oh wait let me i gotta go i my Lexington story.
Yeah. And it all started, I veered off course because I was talking about being vegan.
But the heart stuff, right? Yeah, but hold that fuck. Let me finish the, because this makes me laugh.
Okay. Because this fucking happened.
So I'm in Lexington, and I, oh, you rock. Fucking, hey, man.
There you go, dude. My man's hustling because he heard me, like, gunning for the job.
I was like, one of those guys he's like oh fuck that we got vans see i'm halfway there and shit um so there i am in lexington and i got an app on my phone if you're a vegan which again i'm not pushing on people it's just i do it to save my life um i've i it's called happy cow wherever you are you enter a thing you know like i'm where i am and they'll tell you places you can find vegan food or vegan. It's great.
Wherever you are, you enter a thing, you know, like I'm where I am,

and they'll tell you places you can find vegan food

or vegan adjacent.

Oh, that's great.

It's helpful, right?

So I'm in Lexington.

I fucking enter, you know, Lexington, Kentucky.

The app laughs at me and shit

because they don't believe in that shit there at all.

So there ain't no fucking vegan food to find

except you can go Burger King,

get an Impossible Whopper without cheese.

Or my kid told me,

oh, White Castle does Impossible Slider.

So I was like, fuck, I'm gonna go to White Castle, man.

I passed a White Castle.

Yeah.

I was like,

Thank you. sliders and lady looks at me and then she looks up at the menu she's like i don't know she goes hold on then she goes into the like the freezer case for five minutes then comes out with a frozen ass fucking box with like fucking look like ice man like fucking they unearthed it from the primordial man trapped in ice like from that yes and she was like this is gonna take a minute and i was we don't do these was like, that's cool.
I'll wait. So I'm sitting at the counter and all of a sudden I hear, no, no.
And you know, but you know what that is. Somebody got their period at work.
Exactly. And I'm like, good thing I carry tampons, ma'am.
Here you go. Usually when you hear that, that's somebody going like, Hey, it's, it's you.
I don't always assume that, but being that we're in a white castle in Kentucky, I'm like, either there's a fight about to break out or I've just been made. And that's fair.
I look like Silent Bob at all times and shit. So I turn around, not like egotistically like, well, of course it's me, but I'm pretty sure that that hey is directed in my direction.
Yeah. No i turn around he goes just a white castle and i was like yeah and he goes oh and he comes over and he hugs me and he's like blazed as fuck he's almost like a character out of one of my flex and shit stoned is traveler of the green absolutely lovely and he goes um you don't remember this but you took me to the movies once.
And I'm like, oh, 20 years prior, I was doing a show at the University of Kentucky or whatever. And it was when Changing Lanes was coming out, Ben Affleck movie.
So I was like, I'm here for two nights. So tomorrow I got nothing to do.
I'm going to go see Changing Lanes at this multiplex. Anybody who wants to come, I'll buy you a ticket and shit.
I thought like fucking 10 people would show up 11 o'clock in the morning 200 fucking people so i wound up having to pay for a theater full of people and shit and it ran an article or story ran about an entertainment weekly where you know they were like there was a huge bump for changing lanes in kentucky and that's because kevin took people out so that dude was there and i was like holy shit man that's fucking nice seeing you that's crazy like i never run into people from that and he goes um he goes i love affleck man he's going because he's talking about changing life it's a good thing you did for your boys i love affleck he's my batman i was like yeah man he's all of our batmans and stuff and he goes he's really going through it right now our boy isn't he now he's our boy's our boy. And I was like, yeah, I guess.
I mean, I've seen some articles and stuff. And he goes, we should call him.
And I was like, yeah. We don't know.
Yeah. Now, as previously mentioned, I lost my mind a year and a half ago.
I went to a mental hospital for a while. Found out at the root of all my issues is i'm a very codependent people pleaser crazy so i came home and told my wife that she's like marriage is codependence i'm like all right but really any doctor will tell you not right so i i i don't know how to like feel about myself i need you to tell me how i feel about me i don't put on my own mask first i'm gonna put your mask on i gotta take care of everybody before i fucking take care of myself because i learned at a young age that i'm only useful if i show uh utility if i'm like uh i can be useful i could do this for i can make you laugh uh i can fucking take care of your bills i could do this that is how i know that i'm a worthwhile human being yeah Like there's no just natural value unless I'm producing something.
Yes. Unless I'm useful to somebody, what the fuck am I doing and stuff? So, you know, as I'm sitting there and a guy's going, we should call him, you know, a normal human being would be like, well, absolutely.
That's out of the question. Yeah.
But my people pleasing nature is like, I mean, I guess we should, shouldn't we? Like, I don't want to let this guy down. This guy who I haven't seen in 20 years, don't know his name.
And he just started going, no, no, in White Castle. So I was like, all right, best of all possible worlds.
Let me see if I can get this going. So I was like, all right, you know what? I'm going to call him.
So I pull out my phone. I called Jason Mewes instead.
And so I called Jason and I'm like, Ben, hey man, it's Kevin. I'm in Kentucky at a white castle.
And there's a dude here who I took to see changing lanes 20 years ago. And then I go, Ben, hold on.
Jason Mews is texting me. And I pull the phone away and I text to Jason V Ben Affleck on speaker.
And then I go back to the phone and I go, Ben, Jason's fine. He says hi.
Anyway, I'm going to put you on speaker. Say hi to my man here.
So I put him on speaker and I was like, go ahead. My man goes, Ben, man, how you doing, man? How you doing? And he goes, Muse, who has worked with Ben Affleck, is friends with Ben Affleck, went to his fucking wedding and shit like that, like, knows Ben and what he sounds like.
This is Jason Mewes' approximation of Ben Affleck on the phone. Yo, yo, yo, this is big Ben Affleck coming at you.
Like, he was a strip club DJ. And so this guy goes, Ben, man, like, I've been reading.
Like, guy bought it. He's like, Ben, I've been reading.
Like, I feel bad for you, man you man you gotta you gotta just hang in there man and he goes and then muse goes well you know what they say affleck was the bomb in phantoms yo and there's a line from jane's on bob strike back and that guy went nuts he was like oh my god he said that thing and i was like he always says that thing and then was like, we gotta, we're gonna, we're gonna go. And then Jason goes, yeah, I gotta go to Matt Damon's taking me to target by and hung up.
And that dude was so delighted, man. So delighted.
And he goes, that's awesome. He's going, that was a good thing to do for your friend.
He feels good. Now we gave him support.
And I was like right and then he's like what about muse can we call jay now and i was like i mercifully the lady was like six impossibles yes thank you and out i went and stuff oh that's a sweet story dude that only happened because i was vegan bro oh it's true so that's my there it is go vegan no don't that's your pitch for veganism. My pitch, if I had to pitch for it, it would be like, you know, this is the, most people approach things from a position of vanity, right? Like fucking, they don't really truly care about like their health.
They just want to look better. Oh, that's interesting.
I feel that that's generally the case. So look, it was definitely the case with me.
And if we look better, we will will feel better one imagines but but really it's not like my whole life prior to the heart attack i've been on a zillion diets and fucking optifest did any everything but the surgery because i'm fucking scared of you know getting cut and shit like that so the lat band surgery you mean yeah yeah so like you know i've been that person that's like man what's the secret how do you do it and for years people have just been saying like oh you gotta eat less and you gotta exercise a lot more i'm like yeah i know but what's the real secret shit i was never interested in being healthy i just wanted to look normal like everybody else yeah and now like i've lost weight but i don't look normal like everybody else if i took my fucking gear off and shit like it's not like I had any surgery like I got all this excess fucking skin that just hangs does that start to go away that skin no can you put like vitamin E oil on it or something I mean maybe the stretch marks might go away but like that hanging skin that just hangs is there any way to absorb it back in or anything I think so with the aid of unstable molecules if we were in a marvel fucking comic but no bro no the skin being an organ it just fucking distends and if you've distended it that's it so you could do this shit but that's crazy well this is when you go under the knife and they cut it off and i i've had a friend of mine you know i'm not a liberty to say but a friend of mine went through that and a friend of mine was, because my friend lost a lot of fucking weight. I think he's talking about it.
You know what? Yeah. But he was like, I know you, dude.
And I know you threshold for pain. He's going, you never, ever want to do this.
He's going, in retrospect, I would never do it again. He's the most pain I've ever been in my entire life.
So, all right. We won't put it on if he hasn hasn't said it publicly yeah yeah but right but but yes so wow that guy yeah he's my boy and it's amazing he um if you go to the picture on the right you can see like uh the one all the way over that was just there sorry yeah that one like there's the the drapey skin like creping effect they call it interesting so he looks good i'd kill look like that shit that'd be amazing mine is just hanging like mine's like remember the scene in the shining when fucking nicholson goes to the one room and the gorgeous lady gets out of the tub and they start making out and all of a sudden he looks at her and she's like and she just doubled like she got droopy fucking that's what i look like where i take my girl so that's what my wife gets to fuck damn hey lucky her dude it's almost like fucking like like one of those cats that doesn't have any hair on it kind of that's right right i mean some and some people like that sort of shit oh yeah that's my wife i always talk about my wife in regards to like you know people ask various people about like how do you succeed when i'm do a Q and A's or whatever? And I was like, it's, you know, success, you can't guarantee that anyone's ever gonna be interested in your bullshit.
I don't care who you are. Kevin Feige, that guy that makes all the Marvel movies and shit.
Kevin Feige is his name? Kevin Feige. So probably the most successful producer in history.
The only Kevin who must be saved at all costs because those movies rock.

Even when Deadpool Wolverine was about to open up, which is now making what up, $1.3 billion? Guarantee you, Kevin Feige still clenched his asshole and was like, man, I hope they show up. Because nobody knows for sure.
And they've actually experienced one or two movies where the people didn't show up and stuff. So in a world where you can't guarantee that an audience is going to show up,

the only audience member you can go out of your way to please is audience member number one. That thing only exists because you want to do it.
So if you love it, that's how you have to proceed. It's like, I did this for me and I love it.
And this is my expression and stuff. And man, I hope others go for it, but this is as good as it's ever gonna get.
You can't count on people showing up and stuff. So in a world where like, you can't count on an audience showing up, do the thing that nobody's seen before, nobody's looking at, tell your story.
I always tell folks like, you know, when I'm out there, like your voice is your currency, man. Like voice is how you see the world, your perspective, and how you spit it back to the world.
It's very unique. Theo has a distinctive fucking voice.
Every comedian has a very distinctive voice. You hope most storytellers do and stuff.
Public speakers generally, why people gravitate toward them over and over again is like, I like their perspective. I like what they say.
That is, as we're sitting in a place where I could drink any fucking Celsius I want. Proof positive that fucking your voice is your currency because Theo is spending his fucking currency.
His voice has built all this. After that Celsius, I'm like, you must be the richest man I know.
What? One cooler. But we had a- It's a a talk it's it is i agree it is taller than you it's like a new york city apartment i mean it really is somebody would pay at least 1400 bucks for that where do you go in jersey because you're a fucking road king you're out there i've been out there for years you're in jersey where do i go it for years.
Whenever I've been at a club, I've seen your name and shit like that. Oh, same, man.

Now I don't see your name at the clubs anymore, son.

Same.

Yeah, we started doing-

Because you're in the bigger venues.

We started getting into bigger venues.

Oh, heavens, yeah.

And that's been interesting.

So where's Jersey for you?

Where do you do a show in Jersey?

Jersey, let me think.

Red Bank?

Yeah.

That's my fucking town, bro.

Really?

Number one, where I was born.

Number two, where Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, the comic book store I've had for 27 fucking years,

is in that town.

So you're talking about doing the Count Basie?

Yes.

Count Basie Theater and the Vogels right next door and shit like that.

Yeah, that's where we went to.

Next time, no bullshit.

Next time you do Count Basie, please let me know.

I have a movie theater that's like fucking 20 minutes from there,

15 minutes from there.

You grew up going to and you bought it.

It's a movie theater that I grew up going to

with my friends and one my dad took me to

when I was a kid and whatnot.

The one where I-

It's so cool.

Oh, it's beautiful.

And they were going to kill it and close it after COVID.

It's over 100 years old.

So me and my friends got in and saved it.

It's called Spot Castle Cinemas and whatnot.

And we do shit all the time.

We just did Vulgar-Thom,

which is like show every Viewskeuniverse movie. So Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jane Silent Bob, Shrekbeck, Clerks 2, Jane Silent Bob Reboot, and Clerks 3.
So eight movies, 16 hours of movies. We started at like Saturday morning at 9.
We finished Sunday at like 5 in the morning. Wow.
700 fucking people in four different theaters and shit like that. That's awesome, dude.
So it's fun for shit like that so we've we've had comedy there I've done shows there we've somebody shot a stand up special there and whatnot so if you're gonna be in fucking Red Bank oh my god I'll bring you over and we'll do a like watch with Theo thing you pick a favorite movie and shit we'll show it and then you show up and then we just sit around and bullshit dude I would probably pick Family Man I like that movie have you seen it with Nicolas Cage yeah it's beautiful fucking that's really a Brett Ratner movie that a lot of people never talk about anymore I thought that was one of his if I remember correctly but I remember the movie it's very it's a wonderful life yes Capra-esque it's kind of like that vibe is that the shit you fuck with yeah I really that's probably my favorite movie, I think. I like League of Their Own.
I love League of Their Own. I fucking lived across the street from Penny Marshall for years.
And when I was in my heyday of podcasts and whatnot, we started doing it at the house all the time. So she came over.
Again, she lived right across the street and shit. Penny Marshall, bring her up.
I got to talk to her about League of Their Own. Because Penny Marshall had this brilliant...
Every once in a while, directors hit strong in threes and have like bang, bang, bang. Penny Marshall had big awakenings and a League of Their Own back to back to back.
She's a pretty fascinating lady. This was Laverne and Shirley.
She was Laverne of Laverne and Shirley, and then she became a director later and spent most of her career as a director after doing that show for what? 10 seasons or whatever? Dude, we went and saw. We went to the town where Rockford.
We went to Rockford, Illinois and went to the museum there and went and saw like all the Rockford Peaches memorabilia and shit. Are you serious? Yeah.
It's pretty cool stuff. I love that movie.
Do you cry when you watch that movie?

Are you allowed to cry?

A League of Their Own?

Yeah.

Are you a fucking butch dude and shit?

No, I'll fucking cry.

I cry a lot.

I get made fun of on the internet for crying.

For not only just crying, but then I post pictures of myself crying.

Like I saw Black Panther 2, and I came out, and I took a picture in front of the poster,

and I was teary-eyed.

Two days, fucking the internet was like, you cuck fuck.

Like, how dare they were

very angry at me for this yeah I cried I mean I if I saw it yeah I mean I'll cry I mean yeah

I've cried but you won't put it out there I've been crying I mean yeah there's too many clips

of me crying online is that right what makes you cry oh just like thinking about stuff or talking

about stuff like um I don't know like earlier we were talking about like people pleasing like

thinking about um you got issues got mh issues mental health oh yeah first of all hold on those

Thank you. talking about stuff like, I don't know, like earlier we were talking about like people pleasing, like thinking about.

Do you got issues?

Got MH issues, mental health?

Oh, yeah.

First of all, hold on.

There's a couple of questions I want to ask so don't forget.

One is what are some of the signs if people are getting sick or something that you feel like you neglected so that people can.

Heart attack side or head side?

Heart attack.

Heart attack.

Heart attack.

Sweating profusely, which I did quite a lot as a man who was over 300 pounds.

Not being able to catch your breath.

I refer to it as I couldn't quite ring the bell.

Like, you know, you bang and fucking bing.

That game at the fucking fair.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Felt like I'd be like bang, hitting it hard and be like, and then just come back down.

So I couldn't hit the top.

Couldn't quite catch my breath, so to speak. i was looking for the numbness in the arm yeah because i was raised watching fucking sanford and son so lizbeth this is the big one that's what he always did clutch his arm and did this shit that never happened never felt that nausea also like i wound up throwing up and i didn't have anything in my stomach so it was just bile um these very subtle things that like i hate bile dude totally but you would you could mistake that for like oh i was nervous or fucking maybe i had some bad milks i was a big milk drinker in those days so you could oh there's nothing watching a big fella drink milk dude can we just you would have been turned on bro seriously i don't know how which way you swing you would have watched me drinking the milk on the beard and stuff you've been like i'm going bare because you're a total otter type and it could have worked an otter in the gay community yeah if i had to yeah like scott mosher people would always tell me hey man he's there you go son come on that looks like a good time and i know a lot of people would look at that and be like, this guy's fucking nuts, but he's living his best fucking life.
Have you ever been that happy? Uh-uh. No, I've been listening to that fucking song that was at the end of Guardians of the Galaxy 3, and it's Florence and the Machine, and it's- Happiness, here I- Keep going.
Like a bullet to the- Bullet in the back. Bullet in the back.
Let's just stop and appreciate the poetry of that line. All right.
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back. When was the last time you were ever hit by the happiness bullet in the back? That's a good question, man.
I went to this recently. I went to this...
I mean happy too. Because I'm sure every day you wake up and you're like, I'm Theo fucking Vaughn.
Like, holy shit. My mouth, I use my mouth on people and I'm rich now.
Yeah. And it's not for BJ and well, oral's oral.
My friend, you're in the mouth service business. Paint it any way you want.
We're all whores. Yeah.
Being chatty is just a real drawn out blowjob. But I'm not talking about being satisfied with the job and stuff.
I'm talking about like true fucking happiness

that has nothing to do with who you are.

Like my friend Scott Mosher at one point,

he was just like, what do you want to do?

If you could do anything in the world.

And that's your Smartcast co-host?

Yeah.

One of the smartest people I've ever known.

He said, if you could do anything you wanted.

He's going, you almost died a few years ago.

So if you could do anything you wanted,

what would make you happy?

And he goes, but I can't have anything to do

Thank you. he's going you almost died a few years ago so if you do anything you wanted what would make you happy and he goes but it can't have anything to do with being kevin smith for a living or the movies or any of that he's gone i'm just talking like normal ass shit and that fucking that rocked my world for a few days i couldn't come up with an answer necessarily best answer i could come up with was i was like what would make me happy? If I had a conversation with my father and he's dead 20 years.
And not because I'm like, we could settle issues, but that'd be fucking wonderful and shit. But I had to reach into fiction, into the impossible, to find something.
And I would ask other people. I asked my brother.
My brother, without misdemeanor, he was like, oh, I'd go on a world cruise. And I was like, what's that? He's like, that it's exactly what it sounds like you just cruise around the world for like a year yeah on a boat but he knew and i've other people i talked to were like oh i'd do this it's a good question normal ass things that are within one's doing and i think my fucking radar is busted and i imagine yours is as well because the idea of what makes others happy or what makes a person happy is shattered when you can wake up and whimsy about something and create it and just by dreaming about it and doing it or putting the podcast together sitting around speaking your mind you've gotten paid and you've gotten a bunch of people going like we fucking like we support you and shit like that when that scale exists it's I found and I the more I speak to other creatives like after the fucking going to the mental hospital now I feel freer to talk to others about it and shit where it's like I'm not saying saying like life can't make you happy, but when you've had that ability and there's a certain happiness that goes along with financial success, creative success, personal success, when your highs are like, um, oh, let's get Alan Rickman to be in dogma.
It's tough to find a normal high. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's interesting, man.
Is that 1% fucking rarefied view thinking? No, I don't know if I feel. Does that make me instantly unrelatable? No, I just think it makes it make sense like if you if you've had interesting things that would most people would seem like are um would make people happy or we all believe would make us happy then it makes sense then that you might have a tougher time finding certain happiness you know i don't know what I would do probably like something that would really really make me happy um

um

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um tougher time finding certain happiness you know i don't know what i would do probably like something that would really really make me happy um i don't know uh isn't that crazy you can ask anybody listening to the show maybe giving a hug to my brother or something like that or taking a walk with my brother somewhere is your brother your brother you're your brother type yeah we're close so i think something like that um what else spending time with uh like a teacher or something that i grew up with um yeah probably if i got to see my dad again or something like that i mean that's you know my dad passed away too so like yeah i think if there was something like that i think it would make me like really happy maybe having a uh crazy that we have to reach into the grave to be like well that would make me really happy yeah but also the impossible being in love with somebody probably are you are you no i'm not i have a tough yeah i i have a i i have a tough like uh dick i wish huh tough dick chicks are like i ain't into that tough dick shit look like this that's what my dick does My dick has a brass, just one brass knuckle on it. No, I don't know.
Yeah, probably having a family, being able to be happy and have a family, shit like that. Wouldn't one brass knuckle essentially be a cock ring? It probably would.
But you know what? I think I like yourself better. Because cock ring, some people, I don't fuck with that.
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You know, I've had experience with bad habits over the years. You know it and I'm okay.
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Say ciao to your bad habits today so you're obviously have been a big comic guy and in that whole zeitgeist and it's been a big part of what made you you right it's honestly like i was into that shit like if you watch mall rats in 95 it's a big part of it and stuff and the culture wasn't like the culture was like comic books those are for kids i just got real fucking lucky in that you know about 15 years ago the culture wasn't like culture was like comic books. Those are for kids.
I just got real fucking lucky in that, you know, about 15 years ago, the culture shifted into all the shit that I was already into and well versed in. So I got like a free fucking ride for about a good 15, 20 years on a geek train that like, I never had to make a comic book.
Right. I've directed some comic book shows like Supergirl flash and stuff like that.
But like, really it's's just i was insanely well positioned because i was waving the flag for this shit when people were like what do you mean yeah yeah that's lucky when we're what you do culture yes it's the same as you feel that is where you are right now no i see you feel you were an overnight success or it was like 10 years of a thing before fucking oh yeah it was It was a long time. You don't feel you're in the fucking zone right now? Like in terms of like the man has met the moment and vice versa? I don't know.
I guess because I don't know what my end goals are sometimes. I see it when I look at a guy like Joe Rogan to drop his name again.
And you can use it a few times too. Twice.
Twice in one time. Because he got into UFC and that rose and I think it he also helped it rise.
Yeah, and I'm not saying I'm Joe Rogan, but I too did the labor of love just like him. That's what I'm saying.
Once again though He found a way to monetize his passions where i think he's probably indispensable to the ufc when he comments do they pay him i'm pretty sure they have a they must have a deal like not only he may have put in the work and shit but now he's financially he was fighting he was in on an early he trained early and then he started talking i remember going like the kids at my school that you knew were going to probably die young or whatever they say. You had those.
They were the ones watching that on the weekend. Like, come watch it.
It's like, you know, Willie the fucking, you know, short Willie versus fucking. Willie the short Willie? Versus the violent homo or something.
Like, that's a, who are these guys? And it would be like, one guy would be like 400 pounds fighting a guy that was like 120 pounds and it would just be like a massacre you know but that's when the ufc there wasn't weight classes all of that and look at look at him what a puppet it's like his news radio days yeah i mean he's my i believe me i understand who joe rogan is today and i love that but but you know back, I mean, my first introduction to Joe Rogan was on news radio. And I fucking love news radio.
It's one of my favorite sitcoms ever produced. So I've watched.
And they only had about four seasons max or something. So you could, it's not like, you know, fucking Friends where you could do 12 seasons.
You could get through it in a day and then start it again and shit so joe was like that's how i first knew him and knew about him and stuff and then the podcasting thing you know i remember going on the show in the early days and every time i've ever been on and he's you know clearly there's a reason why the fucking man is at the top of the game he's just interesting and interested genuinely curious. Yeah.
That's the worst. But he's curious, but he also like fucking hits you with shit where you're like, no.
Like he's just that guy at the party where he's, you know, slowly the crowd gravitates around him, whether he's trying to magnetize him and whether he's putting on a show or not because he's just interesting. Got a lot of information.
He's like a thoroughfare for information. He's like an airport for information.
And he retains information really well. And he's genuinely curious.
You'll kind of say something and then he'll ask you about it. And you're almost like, fuck, now I have to actually say something about this.
He was the first one that did this shit, though, where somebody, you're talking and then all of a sudden he's like, look that up. And somebody listens and helps.
A reference person like helping out um we didn't have that in the early days yeah i uh a lot of like i feel like there's less comedy movies these days would you agree with that no i think there are less movies period okay is it a lot of like there's a lot of almost comic book type movies and universes that are the, those are the movies now. Does that feel weird to you? Because they're not weird to you.
You're like, what are your thoughts on that? That it's like, I don't know if one like, like has eliminated the other, but it's just kind of like, why is that? Why do we see these big, huge things? But it feels tougher for somebody to create just like a good comedy these days. I think good comedy went to TV and to streaming because they needed to fill coffers quick, fill programming schedules quick.
Or like did the Marvel universes and all the comic book universes, did they kill off the guy? 100% no. Studios like to make money.
They're in the business to make money. I don't think a comic book movie has made them go like, let's give up on the mid-range.
They're just like, look, more risk, more reward. And then when I first started, you had, there was television, there was movies.
Now there are many more options and many more places to go. So instead of doing, you know, and you'll see it like an eight or six or eight episode show where you're like, could have done in three.
It's because like a lot of people are like, all right, I'm going to take my idea that was for a feature and stretch it out into a show. So I think, never mind comedy, I'd be more curious, hey, where did the indie film go? Yeah.
But I think the indie film was taken over by Netflix. Once Netflix came in, number one, they started buying cheap movies.
And number two, they started making programming that was kind of interesting. They went to other countries and they were like, who are your top filmmakers? Here's money, go make TV shows and stuff.
And that's where all the interesting ideas are going and finding a home. You're somebody who wants to tell an offbeat story.
And you're looking at this Sisyphean task of like, got to roll this fucking boulder up the hill. Like every time I make a movie, it's like, fuck, here we go.
It's going to be fucking tough. Or you walk into these cats and they're like, what's it about? How esoteric is it? Interesting.
Go ahead. Can you make it six episodes? Can you make it eight? That's preferable.
And that's where all the interesting programming has slowly gravitated to. Now.
So you're saying some of the indie movies have actually become television shows. I think indie filmmakers or people that make things off the beaten path, stories that don't necessarily fall into the big budget equation have wound up going to streaming.
Like, you know, what was fucking Jason Bateman's show? Ozark.

Yeah.

It's an indie film.

This just happens to be a series that went on for a bunch of episodes because they're like, hey, we like it.

Do it again.

Instead of getting a sequel, you just get another season.

That's a good point.

It was almost like there's a secret gay guy at the lake.

It was like people playing gay Clue at the lake, remember?

Because like that one guy.

In Ozark?

Yeah.

I didn't watch the whole show.

I was just using it as an example. It't watch the whole show and um it started to

get redundant like it started to get for some reason I really want to play gay clue does that exist no they should have that right right like he did it yeah it was really it was like what do you use the candlestick for the like find out um Samuel's been in the billiard room for a while In the conservatory.

Not being very conservative.

Wow, I've never used that to cue my pool stick before. What's that thing called? To chalk? I've never chalked that way.
So that's interesting. I think that's part of it.
Believe me, I'm not like it. And that's exactly what happened.
No, it's cool, though. I think that's part of it i think you know netflix came in disrupted the business as we all know and in a in a way that at first people were like yeah and now people are like wait a second in the aftermath nothing existed the way that existed before television viewership is like down to almost nothing so much so that major studios are writing off entire network divisions and stuff like that, devaluing television in order to get a write-off.
So once Netflix came in and said, hey, this is how we're doing it, and then every other company was like, well, shit, we got to do what they're doing, and they started doing streaming and whatnot. It just really, it broke the model.
It's kind of nuts. So right now, I think if you're a person that likes to tell off the beaten path stories, or if what we used to call back in the day, an indie filmmaker, now's the time to shine.
I think there's a moment that's going on right now where entertainment, like the way people are getting their entertainment, of course, has completely changed over the last 10 years, but theatrical consumption has been way off since COVID. And some people wonder if if like will people ever go back to movies the way they used to and blah blah blah uh they're not gonna go unless you give them something they can't get any place else so they'll go to the theaters to see deadpool wolverine because like i'm gonna be able to watch this at home for like six months so fuck it but what if you tell them a story going back to your voice is your currency they've never heard before and the only place they could see it is in theater and right now theaters are hurting So they'll fucking take anybody.
It doesn't matter. It used to be tough to get screens now Are you fucking kidding me? You can make a deal with AMC private deal with your own independent movie where you're like I can I get a hundred screens and we'll do a door split or whatever the fuck It's possible because movie theaters as a exhibitor, I know this for a fact, we would kill or die to have people come in.
You know, back in the day, I made this movie, the 430 movie, and it's about how in the 80s. This is your new film.
This is the new film that's coming out September 13th. In the 80s, we used to pay for one movie and then jump from theater to theater to theater to go see movies for free.
I own that movie theater that I used to do that in. We'd get caught, and you might get the risk of being banned from that theater for fucking life.
If I caught you walking into another movie theater after you paid for only one movie theater in my movie theater, I'd be like, that's great, just buy some popcorn, would you? You could stay as long as you fucking want. Call your friends.
Have them come. Just to get fucking bodies through the goddamn door.
so it's it's yeah this is a bit of a different world at this point but imagine you're an indie filmmaker who wants to say the thing nobody has ever fucking said before in a film per se we're just using film as an example fuck now is your time like uh you could actually make a thing and have it be in a goddamn movie theater And then if you do even the tiniest bit of business with your movie in a movie theater these days, that's a fucking story. Yeah.
And that also has, it's been proven, like, through the algorithm, when Amazon did Air, Ben Affleck's movie, Air, they put it in theaters and they spent- AIR. AIR.
About Air Jordans, the history of the Air Jordan sneaker. They put it in theaters traditionally and spent money on advertising, even though Amazon has Prime and really they probably thought it would go right there, but they were like, you know what? Let's see what it would be like to release a movie.
Amazon and other streamers broke the theatrical model and here they're going like, wouldn't it be novel? Like us with Smodcast going like, wouldn't it be weird if somebody paid for an ad on our show? These cats are like, wouldn't it be novel if we put the movie out and paid for ads and people saw a trailer and then went to the movies to see it? Would it make it more valuable when we then put it on Prime? And it did, naturally. They found the same thing out on Netflix.
Movies that go the traditional route, the way that everybody expects. I've seen a commercial for that on TV.
That will be a primary choice on Netflix rather than a Netflix made-for-Netflix movie that may have the biggest fucking stars on the planet in it, but you will pass it by. Yeah, it feels crazy.
So there's something about just watching a movie that's just on Netflix or on a street. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah.

There is a value to putting something in a theater still.

It gives it this kind of panache.

Now, if you're an indie filmmaker

and you're out there going like,

nobody's ever fucking heard my story.

They've never heard my voice.

They've never fucking seen what I can do.

And if you're sitting there right now going,

I fucking hate Kevin Smith.

He makes the same fucking movie every time. 30 years in the business, all he's done is make Clerks of Jay and Silent Bob.
Great. Now's your fucking time.
Now's your time to shine. Don't sit there, waste your time at home, looking at me, hating on me.
Use me as your fucking example and stepping stone. Like if that fucking talentless idiot could do it, then I could fucking do it too.
And now is the time for another indie filmmaking movement. Now it feels like with the frustration of real fucking filmmakers who I know people that make millions to fucking make movies sitting on our asses.
Cause ain't nobody fucking making movies. Could you imagine if some, if the only way you got to do your show is if somebody told you, okay, now you could go.
No, you enjoy the independence of like fucking this past weekend is going to happen when I want it to fucking happen. You're your own fucking boss.
There are a lot of people that never figured out how to do that. They never came from indie film, so they couldn't pivot back to indie film.
They've just been spoiled by working for a studio. So now with the studios not making anything, they're like, what do I fucking do? I've always been able to pivot back to indie film.
And I feel like even though I've been able to do that, I've been in indie film for a while. Everyone knows every variation of of story I could possibly tell every once in a while, you'll whip a tusk on him.
We're like, well, that was fucking weird. But generally speaking, like he does those James Allen Bob movies and shit.
Now is the time for an indie filmmaker to come out and be like, here's a fucking story. Nobody's ever heard.
Fuck a tic tac. I mean, I love tic tac.
Don't get me wrong, but like people that spend their time like doing little videos and shit. If you're a filmmaker, make your fucking film.
And now is the time to take your fucking shot because there is an empty guff in the marketplace for that type of storytelling. All of it has gone mainstream.
Streaming is now mainstream. So people who are telling these offbeat stories on streamers, they are essentially studios at this point.
When I started an indie film, it was like us outside of Warner Brothers and fucking, you know, 20th Century Fox and Paramount going like, well, they'll never let us play. So just because they won't let us in don't mean I can't do it on my own.
It's the streamers of that now. So if you're out there going like, well, Netflix will never give me a fucking thing.
Great. Go do your fucking thing without them.
Hang your own fucking your own fucking shingle it's time people are hungry for that do you think it's a good idea to sell direct to consumer right like yes david spade and i wrote a movie and so we're gonna try to get it made and it feels like it's kind of getting close right so and we're like could we just put it on a website and sell it right there to people 100 but also you travel out in the world man and so imagine

you do a comedy tour but instead your comedy tour is hey man uh welcome tonight we're gonna watch the movie and afterwards we're gonna talk about it all right so enjoy the show and then you get to fuck off for 90 minutes then you come out and it's all crowd work because you're just answering fucking questions that's it you have the ability to do that why do you fucking need anybody else or you've got such an audience and such a long tail

that you can go into an amc like a fucking taylor swift and be like i guarantee you that on my podcast that has 200 fucking million downloads per ever whatever the fuck that i can make people come to a theater and show a thing and even if amc is like no we're interested then you go to fathom events and be like hey got a movie. I want to put it in screens for like two fucking days.
And you'll make like 10 million bucks and they'll write stories about how fucking smart you are. So you don't need anybody, Theo.
You have the distribution fucking mechanism already in place. You're a loaded gun at all times.
You just have to point your audience in the right direction. And what you do is point them to the next show, the next show or a a live gig.
But if you make a movie with Spade or whoever to fuck, don't fucking sell it until you have milked it and juiced it for everything you personally can, the way you juice your own shit. Then fucking give it up to a streamer.
Then give it up to somebody like a home video company that's going to put it out and shit like that. Because you have the mechanism in place.
You already know how to put asses in seats. The big mystery of this business that everyone's always trying to figure out is, how do I get fucking people to show up? You know how to get people to show up.
Now this would just be you going, okay, when you show up this time, we're gonna do things a little differently. I'm just gonna show you a movie and then we're gonna fucking do a comedy show afterwards and stuff.
You get real- Charge the same thing and all that money goes right to the fucking flick. And then you would have money now.

Then you could start making other cool movies

and have your friends be like,

this is a script I like,

or you could just write it.

And then it's like you'd have movies

would be like free again

because there wouldn't be,

yeah, you don't have to go

and ask some smarmy fucking dude.

What do you mean free again?

Because I'm like, I like this world.

Free meaning you could do whatever you want.

You can do what you want. But you could always do whatever you want.
You have the ability to do that. You just have to put your heels together.
But you already show it on a regular basis. You are, again, I cannot fucking stress this enough.
That Celsius fucking container is huge. They don't give that to just anybody.
It's massive. It's like I walked into a 7-Eleven.
Or at least a fucking... I'm going to pee really fast, actually.
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No way, man. No, I'm going.
You coming with me? We're doing it. Take my hand.
We're going. We're filming the weeds in this shit.
They died, didn't they? Yeah, but they live forever. That's true.
You know what I'm saying? Because they're in a movie. Look, Theo, everybody dies.
Not everybody truly lives. Facts, homie.
I took that from Braveheart. You did? I mean, that's where it came from.
There's a new Asian kind of Braveheart movie coming out. I saw a preview for.
How do you know when, how do you know when keeping on movies? How do you know when, have you ever, shouldn't movies be like, like a, like, like national cuisine. Like you were going, there's an Asian, uh, Braveheart, Braveheart coming out.
Shouldn't there be one for every country? Like recently we were talking about, I saw on Netflix that had this movie called Beneath Paris, which is Jaws in France. Shouldn't every country have its own fucking Jaws? We were talking about this on Hollywood Babylon.
Yeah, they should. Podcasts I do with Ralph Gorman at Flappers and stuff.
And I was like, every country should have its own fucking Jaws. It doesn't have to be the same story, but just give me every country.
It should be like the Olympics.

Every country is like, you're our best athletes. It should be like, here is our best shark movie, killer shark movie.
Because everybody can get away with that. And there are a lot of killer shark movies now.
It seems cheap now, like cheap to do, I guess. Like doing CG shark is not as expensive as building the big rubber one that they did for Jaws and shit like that.
but you know,

having one,

having each country,

each nation. is not as expensive as building the big rubber one that they did for Jaws and shit like that.
But, you know, having one,

having each country, each nation

represented by what they feel

is their best possible shark movie.

Like Saving Private Reginald or something,

like in Africa or something?

Or if they had like...

Wait a minute.

World War II, like...

No, I was just thinking of like a different,

like if you had, like we have Saving Private Ryan.

Yeah. If they had...
Let's just keep it to sharks, Theo. Don't jump in a fucking war film.
I'm saying Saving Private Roberto. Before we can do...
Every nation gets to make every movie for themselves. We start basic.
You start with the shark thing. We'll get to Saving Private Richard and shit like that.
We're saving Heinrich, right? Because that would be the other side of the war.

Yeah.

Or something like that.

But just a shark fucking picture.

Every nation going like this is it.

Fucking arms race.

Yeah.

Just like.

Like, oh, it's a dangerous koi.

And it's like a Japanese one or whatever.

Koi.

Yeah.

It's got to be shark.

We got to have rules.

I don't know.

They have sharks in some places.

That's the thing.

It's like, it's a fucking movie. What are you eliminated for? Yeah, you're like hey man in real life fuck real life this is movie time say the podcast michigan shark yes jaws of michigan yes it's just a guy in a fucking uh hot dog eating contest here's how it happened right so fucking every every night when the coney dog place closes they got leftover coney dogs that.
Dude don't like to throw it out, so he takes it to one of the Great Lakes, pitches it in the lake. Somebody had disposed of a fucking baby great white shark.
He's been eating these fucking hot dogs, so he's fucking massive and shit. Wow, dude, I'm already in.
That's awesome. Dude, call David Spade.
Let's write that. Finance, self-finance that fucking movie.
I, I, I, I'm already in. That's awesome.
I'm already in. Dude, call David Spade.
Let's write that.

Finance, self-finance that fucking movie.

Honestly, I had a conversation with my friend Logic.

There's me going fucking.

There's a fucking big name for you.

Logic was in the 430.

I like Logic, nice guy.

He's an amazing dude.

Logic is in the 430 movie, and when he shot his scene,

we'd already finished the movie and stuff so he could watch it. So I was like, come to i'll show you the flick so he watched the flick and then after the flick he was like oh i fucking love movies he's like i before even hip hop i loved movies and stuff he's going i found hip hop through movies i found wu-tang through quentin and stuff like that he's always wanted to make a movie i almost made a movie with jj and i was like jj and he's like, yeah, but it didn't happen.
I was like, J.J.? From good times? No. Yeah, fucking J.J.
Like, J.J. Kid Dynamite.
What was his name? J.J. Abrams? J.J.
Abrams is the director I was talking about. But I love that you went with J.J.
Evans. Who's the J.J.
I'm thinking of? J.J. Evans? J.J.
Evans. James Evans Sr.? I saw him at the airport once.
What? Jimmy Walker? Jimmy Walker. That's who I'm thinking of, yeah.
There he is. Legend.
Oh, yeah. Kid Dino-mite.
Dino-mite. All right, so wait.
So JJ, I was surprised that he hadn't made, you know, fucking JJ Abrams. Yeah.
He made fucking one of the Star Wars, two of them. You'd imagine it could happen, but he's like, it just didn't happen.
I said, just didn't happen i said why is it difficult is expensive he goes no it's kind of like like clerks it's set in one location and i was like what could what what is it on the moon he goes no it's just in a record store i said bro you can make that movie yourself you don't need any help you got fucking i'm sure you got money from hip-hop like you can finance your own movie and for all the years i've ever said to people like you can make a movie anybody can make a You should make need any help. You got fucking, I'm sure you got money from hip hop.
Like you can finance your own movie. And for all the years I've ever said to people, like you can make a movie.
Anybody can make a movie. You should make your own movie.
Motherfucker was like, you're right. And he financed his own fucking movie.
We went and shot it back in May up in Oregon and St. Helens.
And it's called paradise records. And so I was a producer on it and I was his editor and my God, it's so fucking wonderful.
Like it is legit. He is born to be a filmmaker and it's kind of a little irritating when a dude who is exceptionally good at one thing and made fucking billions doing it is now like, Oh, I'm also good at that.
I mean, this fucking dude's good at anything. Did you Abrams? No fucking logic.
Oh, logic. Logic fucking like he could do a Rubik's cube in front of you in like 12 seconds.
Yeah.. He's mixed, that thing.
He's so crazy fucking talented shit. But him as a filmmaker, this movie, Paradise Records, it's going to be fucking, it's going to hit huge.
It is fucking awesome. He's the star, and his friend, T-Man, is the second lead, and his friend, T-Man, is absolutely wonderful in the movie.
But this dude wrote, directed, and fucking starred in it. And I was so incredibly impressed because he's a legit great actor.

Because I cut every frame.

I saw every frame of the fucking footage.

I was there on set when I shot it,

but most of the time I was cutting the movie and shit.

And every frame of film, I was like, this guy's fucking a natural.

So that movie is fucking wonderful, man.

Damn, Paradise Records.

Paradise Records will be out next year.

How do you know?

I want to ask a little bit more about the 43030 movie but comes out September 13th September 13th it's it's Ken Jeong is in it he's amazing this is kind of the story of my young life the story of the first date that I had in high school and stuff with my girlfriend like going to a movie right I took her to to the flick some way but in this flick him and his friends they're going to the movie theater to hang out for the day and skip from theater to theater to theater if you've ever listened to smodcast back in the day when me and scott mozier used to do it there was this episode we did uh about emo kev where i had these old recordings of me where i used to ride around on a bike in my hometown and fucking like what am i doing like real existential crisis shit before i ever made Clerks, wondering what my future would be and stuff. So we played them on the podcast and like Scott like mercilessly fucking died laughing.
He just would attack a guy. He's like, oh my God, you sound so fucking dumb.
But it was kind of wonderful to listen to and shit. Anyway, the movie is kind of based on that.
So it's based on that version of emo Kev,

as we call them in the podcast.

Okay.

He'd ride around on his bike and be like,

when is my life going to begin?

So it's that kind of thing.

Oh, that's kind of cool.

There's a story.

Bear McCreary did our score,

and he's absolutely a wonderful composer.

But him and his brother did a song that ends the movie.

And it's a fucking jam.

It's total earworm.

And you're like, oh, my God.

My friend put it on Shazam or whatever

because he's like, where have I heard that before?

I'm sorry. Him and his brother did a song that ends the movie.
And it's a fucking jam. It's total earworm.
And you're like, oh my God.

Went and like my friend put it on Shazam or whatever.

Cause he's like, where have I heard that before?

I was like, you never heard it. You just fucking created and shit.

But it's called 24 carat case of love.

Cause in the movie, as in real life,

on the episode of Smodcast that we did years ago,

you hear me talking about my ex-girlfriend.

And I was like, I got a 24 carat case of love. And that's what broke mosher up the most he was like you fucking unbelievable fuck it you know he just attacked me and shit so i put that in the flick so bear mccreary and his brother write this closing song for the movie and he goes you got to listen to it man i think you'll like it and the hook of the song is i got a 24 karat case of love and i was like oh my god so i wrote to bear and i was like bro you took the dumbest fucking shit i ever said on the earth and made it a pretty fucking wicked earworm hook for the song and he goes don't shit on that he's going you saying i got a 24 carat case of love is the kind of thing that a 16 year old boy says yeah because it's like 24 carat real strong or it's kind of mid strong that was for me nothing gets stronger than a fucking 24 carat because we didn't have diamonds in our world we were i was lower lower lower lower low we were poor yeah so like 24 carat gold is that my mom had a 24 carat gold wedding band oh yeah so 24 carat keys of love my sister's divorced too is that right yeah um but but he was 24 carat so he took things things from those moments you were riding on your bike.
Well, he took that exact fucking line and made it the hook for the song. And he's like, never fucking regret saying that.
He's like, that's what you say when you're 16. I didn't have the heart to tell him.
I was like, really? I said that when I was 22, but whatever. Dude, there's something so magical.
So wait, were you raised in Tennessee? I was raised in Louisiana. What part? part yeah in a place called covington louisiana are you serious yeah so how far is that from like from one hour from new orleans north fourth we shot jane silent bob reboot there that's a fucking fantastic place no way oh my god louisiana so fucking good to us yeah like i'll always that was a movie i made you premiered a too, didn't you? Well, we went to the Joy Theater and show Jay and Silent Bob reboot when we were on tour, but we shot there and that was the post heart attack movies.
That was a movie where I was like, Holy shit, I was supposed to be fucking dead. Like, so I'm just going to make the movie I want to make.
Fuck everything else. And that was Jay and Silent Bob reboot.
And so we had to go to Louisiana. We couldn't do it in Jersey because it's a road movie and stuff like that.
And Louisiana had a fantastic fucking rebate. That great fucking crew, man.
And the people were so fucking wonderful and shit. And we shot during Mardi Gras.
So we took two days down. We actually shot on Mardi Gras at the courthouse because they were like, that's the only day we're closed.
We were like, great, we'll use the courthouse that day. But everyone was so fucking cool, man.
And I didn't even fuck with the party half of of the city like the cast and people who flew in to be in the movie and shit they would go to like i went to bourbon street right i didn't even get that fucking far man it was just like you didn't work probably too when you're putting a movie together it's a lot how do you know when when like like when you're ramping up to do a movie yeah things get pretty intense pretty Right. And then there's just that day where you have to start.
How crazy is that first day? Because that's such a, I mean, it's rare that there's such a huge leap. That's going to be so you can't go back.
Like you are moving forward. It's begun.
You, you spend so much time trying to get to that moment that when the moment happens, you're already prepared. You better be fucking prepared.
If you're not, it's like, what the fuck are you crying about all this time? Like you knew this was coming. You pushed for, you wanted this, right? That's why, like after everything I do, no matter what, whether it works or doesn't work, there's two things I always say to myself.
And generally is more helpful if it doesn't, if it didn't work. One is like, uh, um, you wanted this, like, oh my God, you changed the course of human events to make this fucking movie happen and shit.
Like you dreamed about this, you somehow found millions of dollars and convinced people to give up their time, do this fucking, make pretend with you. So it don't matter if it didn't do what you want, you wanted this, you better fucking enjoy it it because it's gonna pass quick.
And then the second thing I always tell myself is like, what was the alternative? Did you even have an alternative? Was the alternative to not do the thing? Then that's not the alternative because knowing that I could do the thing and knowing that I could accomplish it and then not doing the thing would eat at me like a fucking cancer. That's sad when you know you can accomplish the thing but you don't do it because you're like, nah, well, fucking what if somebody don't like it? Like I mentioned before, like we're dropping this.
God, that movie's so scary though. It's all creativity scary.
It's like showing your butthole to somebody. But that's why this is a safe environment.
You create a thing where you're like, these are my rules, my house, and I don't have, you don't worry when a new episode goes up. You don't even think about it.
You feel you feel like oh I recorded that a couple days ago or last week or something like that but you're so you've built the thing for yourself that is so fucking foolproof and you can avoid sidestep the world of rejection and the world of no you enter here and you created a world of yes for yourself so you don't have that weird trepidation at the beginning of every show because you're like this is exactly i engineered this to be as easy for me as fucking breathing and shit when you're making a flick or something like that there are way more people involved and shit and you've also been dying to do this sometimes you've it's taken 10 years to get to that amazing moment we've been working on this trying to get this movie together all the agents haven't done anything so finally we got some of our own and stuff, and we're going to put in some of our own money. That's what I was going to say.
Dude, based on that Celsius case, there's no fucking way that you don't have enough of your own fucking screen. You probably got it in your pocket.
Just be like. Oh, yeah.
I wish, dude. You can have that thing, brother.
I'm sending that to you. It is so possible to do.
I tell my kid all the time. My kid who, again, I fucking- Your daughter.
My daughter, Harley Quinn. She's in one of the movies.
She's in Quentin's movie. I always lead with that.
She's been in a bunch of my movies, but nobody gives a fuck about Kevin Smith's movie. She was in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.
So I always lead with that. She was in a Quentin Tarantino movie.
Believe me, she leads with that too. She never leads with like, yeah, I was in Jay and Silent Bob reboot.
But she played Jay's daughter in Jay and Silent Bob reboot. What was Johnny Depp's daughter? What was the one was she at? Was that who it was? Yoga Hosers.
The one that I got beat the fuck out of. I mean, you think I got beat up from putting a picture of myself crying on the internet.
Yoga Hosers, I got fucking, ooh, they were like bend over. And it went in dry, so I'm dry.
I remember AV Club was like, ew, Kevin Smith and Johnny Depp are going to force us to watch a play date with their children. And it's like, bro, you don't have to watch it.
But I've, you know, that was, I've been around the internet for a while. So I've watched the culture get like way more toxic.
And here's the thing. For as long as I've been online, I've been online since 1996, right? So I remember the first troll where it's like, what? Yeah.
Why would you spend time here? You probably got one of the first trolls ever. Legit, 100%.
I remember there was a dude, I reached out to a troll like to try to understand and this was a dude who was on Ain't It Cool News and he had written some shit about me but it was incorrect. That was the thing.
Like if somebody wrote something about me as their opinion, what the fuck? Hurts, but it's like you can't do anything. but this dude had said something completely incorrect So I wrote to him because you click on their name and hit their email So I wrote to the dude I was like hey, I'm Kevin Smith and you said this shit about me I was like I can't do anything about your opinion, but the one thing you said it's factually untrue So I just wanted to correct that if you're gonna go out and say things and so yeah, the dude wrote back I don't know who you are But I know you're one of the names that if some if I on Ain't It Cool News, a bunch of people will jump to your defense.
And that's how I like to hang out at night. And that blew my fucking mind.
This was in the year 2000, I want to say. Maybe, yeah, because it was before I did Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, which has the whole ending of them going around beating up people on the fucking internet from a message chat.
So I was there. I'm not saying that was the first troll, was my, one of my first trolls.
And he said he liked doing it because he liked the, that's how he spent his night like that. And that's a, that's a legit fucking response that a human being sent me.
That's not a made up story. That's not like I met a guy who said that happened.
And I was so fucking flabbergasted by that. I'm not anymore because I understand that's cheap entertainment for somebody like fuck going to the movies or fuck going like going out to dinner it's like fucking order some fucking pizza and let's have it on i'm just gonna jump online and be like this guy's chili or whatever and then watch people react and hit on that and shit so i've watched the internet get way more toxic and shit like that but at the same time as much as the internet gives everybody access to you who can fucking shit on your day or try to shit in your mouth, it also gives you access to the most wonderful people in the world who say these amazing things about you that keep you going.
And as previously spoken about, I never know how to feel about myself because I'm broken. So it helps.
Obviously, part of the reason I do the job is because I like when people are like, good job. Like my whole career has been about trying to produce work that's good enough for mom to put up on the fridge.
Like when you get an A or a B on the paper and she put that shit up on the fridge. The fridge is just the world at this point.
And you hope that it's good enough that the paper goes up and gets noticed and shit. And you take a lot of slings and arrows even if you like to do a thing.
So like there are the trolls who just go after you because like it's entertaining to watch other people blood in the water and shit like that but then there are people who legitimately fucking hate you and what you do like and hate watch you just the way like howard stern used to have people who like if you like howard stern you listen for 10 minutes if you hate howard stern you listen for fucking 20 so i get it and i and i've been around on the internet long enough where I know like I am one of those figures and shit but it always baffles me like I you know I put up a fucking post on my Instagram today about hey I'm doing this podcast with my kid beardless dickless me and naturally yeah naturally that's your daughter that's my kid that's Harley she's a good kid man she's got a good head on her shoulders and shit she was the one that asked me to go vegan because she was vegan and after the heart attack, she was like, dad, please, just try it, it could help. Because the nutritionist in the hospital was like, you might want to consider going plant-based because 100% blockage in your LAD, that's really bad.
So my kid was like, can you please try it? And I was like, you know what, I'll do it for you. I'll try for a few months.
And she saved my life, to be honest with you. But I also know my kid is part me me so she's very strategic she as a vegan she was like if i could flip this motherfucker he'll be a big voice for the movement and shit like that so she did but you still get erection if you're vegan or not like an erection can you still do you still have like a i'm hard now son yeah yeah i mean fuck yeah you get you get very hard even what would be the idea and not getting hard as a vegan not Not enough red meat in your diet? Yeah, something like that.
If you don't have enough iron or whatever. I'm on blood thinners because of the heart attack.
Does that help your wiener get harder? No. In fact, it's a little more challenging.
Not challenging. It's just the hard on you get ain't, it's workable.
It's fuckable dick. Yeah.
But it's not like, oh my God, this could fucking crack steel. Oh yeah.
You're Jackie Chan with like eight fucking things. I've never had that one.
Oh, I do in the morning. That's the morning wood.
Oh fuck, dude. I wake up with a hard on that's impressive.
If I was a dick pic guy, that's when I'd be like, and put it online and shit like that. But it always goes to waste because my wife, she's like, I don't fuck before noon.
So we've been together like 25 fucking years almost or over. And at this point, I understand that I'm going to wait until like one or two.
So I'm a little sad because I'm not saying she's missing out. She ain't missing shit.
She fucked me enough. She knows.
I was saying before, I tell people all the time, you can achieve your goals. You just have to modify your expectations.
I was like, my wife, I always use my wife as an example. I was like before, I tell people all the time, like, you can achieve your goals, you just have to modify your expectations.

I was like, you know, my wife,

I always use my wife as an example.

I was like, Jennifer didn't want to marry a guy

that fucking looked like me.

Like, I saw the dude she dated in high school.

She was a cheerleader.

She dated fucking football players.

Your wife did?

Oh, wow.

But when we met, she was like,

all right, he ain't my ideal,

but like, I can work with this.

So she modified her expectations, and we've been together for a century. So if you, if you modify some people like that's lowering, I'm like, no, no, no.
Modifying your expectations. You can be happy if you just modify what you expect and shit.
Do you have sex under the covers when you're married or on top of the covers? Oh, under. And I'm also a shirt on guy.
I've never taken my shirt off during sex. You take your shirt off during sex? You look like, here.
I don't that much. You're one of those dudes who probably you're making out.
It's like in the movies and shit. You make out and then you push back and you take your shirt off.
Like that's a part of the seduction. I walk out of the room backwards.
I could never do that. If I did that and stepped back, took my shirt off, my tits came out, they'd be like.
Oh, let me slurp on those little fucking hammocks. You them you take your shirt off don't you no sometimes i will sometimes i won't i'll walk out of the room backwards though because i don't like i don't like people seeing my butt i guess are you serious so i'll kind of walk huh not that i think it is i don't know it's your least attractive feature i think it's fine but it's like after everyone's already the situation's gotten all coming and shit and everybody's on on a different plane altogether and their senses are coming back, you're like, they

see my ass, I'm fucked.

Well, I just-

Turns out you were just fucked.

At that point, they could see your ass.

Job's done, son.

Yeah, but nobody can see your butt while you're making love to them.

It's just the way it's all how God did it.

If that is not the title of your biography, I object. Nobody can see your butt if you're making love to him.
The Theo Vaughn story. And other whimsical notions by Theo Vaughn.
Yeah, but it's like you're only... You think your ass is your worst feature? No.
So you walk out of the room dick first. We're dick backwards.
So you're like, look, keep looking there. Don't look at this.
Never mind the man. Pay attention to the man.
No attention to the man behind the curtain. Your ass is the Wizard of Oz.
Yeah. Your dick is what they all see.
Your ass is the actual wizard. Oh, yeah.
Pulling levers and shit. My wiener's the cowardly lion.
That's what it is, dude. If I only had an...
Blood thinners, yeah. But to go back to the original question, you can be vegan and give the job.
Okay. Very easily.
I don't come across... I mean, I guess I know vegans but i don't know they don't tell you when you meet them do i what i love about you theo is your act is like i don't know a lot of things but you're one of the smartest people i've seen you think so you're smart but more importantly you're clever clever goes a lot further than smart in this world i am not smart i've been clever i don't even think i'm 100 clever all the time but i think i'm very clever about what to do to do about being Kevin Smith for a living.
So I'm myopically clever on one very small plane, which has kind of worked out. Managing yourself well.
Yes. But I think you're smart.
I think you're way smarter than you like to let on and shit. You're like Jay.
Jay is also like, oh, no, nothing. But I'm like, motherfucker, don't play me.
I write your character. I know what your intelligence level really is and stuff and while the jay character is based on who jay was when he was 16 years old he's far smarter than that and also to be fair far more responsible hands down the best father i've ever met in my entire life he's a wonderful fucking dad to like two children shocking because he was like terrible to himself for most of his life yeah yeah i met him at some meetings and stuff yeah he's i think he's out talking about that so it's not we did a whole podcast for for years and we still kind of quasi do jay and silent bob get old which is fucking he's coming up i think on his 14th anniversary of being sober and the podcast was predicated on like we'd go to bars and do this live show where he's the only everyone else is drunk he's the only sober person there and it was all about keeping him sober so we would sit there and tell this story about like one time i did this so it was kind of like going to the a very fun a meeting where everyone else was drinking except the guy who was witnessing and shit like that and we got over 100 200 episodes out of that and shit it was crazy and we toured off of that like jason from movies, he didn't really make a lot of money being in Kevin Smith films.

You don't make money being in Kevin Smith films.

You don't make money making them either.

But he made enough money to buy a house because of Jay and Silent Bob.

Awesome.

So he was,

we were clever with the podcast,

but you're smart.

This is fucking smart.

So I know you're smart.

Yeah.

I think I,

sometimes I think I'm afraid to try and like,

I feel like sometimes it's just hard for me to get like my information and how I it's hard to get it like clear from my brain to my mouth sometimes and I think I get afraid to speak up on certain things like um I don't know man I don't know because some people seem to Sanders and you seem very well yeah I mean I had I literally watched that for a few minutes and was like- That was fun, dude. I was like, I could not have done that.
I could talk to people, but I'd be like, Bernie, did you ever see Clerks? Like, that's where my life begins and ends and shit. But you could literally sit there and have a political conversation.
I'm politically not astute. Yeah, me either.
So I don't think I could hold that conversation, but you did, and you sounded intelligent. Thanks, man.
And I don't mean like he sounds smart, but you represent him. Like, that's why when you're like, I don't know nothing, it's bullshit.
Like, I couldn't have done, and this ain't me kissing ass or licking knob, I didn't watch the whole interview. But for the few minutes I watched, I was like, this guy's fucking smart.
That made me happy to come, because Jordan, Jason Mewes' wife, she runs our business. She was like, oh, I fucking love it.
I was like, I got to go. I'm going.
She's like, where are you going? I was like, I'm going to Theo Bonds. She goes, oh, fucking.
She goes, that's right. I love him.
I was like, you fuck with him? And she goes, oh, you think he's so funny and shit like that? What's her name? Jordan Monsanto. That's sweet of her, man.
Yeah, I think, well, he cares about some of the same stuff I care about. I'm going to believe me.
As our business manager, I'm going to, I'm going to take a picture of this. I'd be like, we're doing shit wrong.
I know people in the audience like, stop talking about, but you don't know. You don't know kids.
I know what that means. I'm like, this guy's figured it the fuck out, man.
I don't want to, do you have a network or is it just your show? No, just us. Really? Yeah.
If you ever start a network, I'll be on it.

You will?

Fucking heartbeat.

Are you kidding me?

We'll plug you in in the other room, dude.

Dude, I'll never leave.

That much free Celsius and shit?

I mean, he's got his own place.

I came into an office.

You'll never sleep.

I do my shit at home in a spare room.

I started in my kitchen, man.

And now we just have to have a place for people to be at to work.

What do you mean?

So while the show is not going on, you need

people in an office? Yeah, just the producers

just so they can be around.

Isn't it crazy the infrastructure?

We don't have much. We have three

co-workers. And a huge operation.

But yeah, it's fun. But it's a place.

Unless they're giving you this place free, you've got

to pay for this place. No, they're not.

I never want to hear this. I'm not a smart person

shit ever again.

Jay. You and Mew is in a

movie, bro. Never mind David Spade.

I don't trying to throw him under the bus, but fucking you and Jay in a movie. You could be his brother.
Oh, fuck, shit. Hold on.
This is happening in real time. What will we do, I wonder? Do you want to come? We're doing a movie next year, early next year, Jay and Silent Bob's Store Wars, which is about they have a dispensary, and then somebody opens a dispensary across the street, and they're opposites in every way, and they battle for the whole movie.
You legit, I'm not just saying this because I'm on the podcast, but your vibe is very Jay-like. Number one, I know this would make my boss happy.
Like Jordan be like, yes, bitch. You come in and play fucking Jay's brother

who's never been in a movie before.

Jordan Monsanto,

the person who's told you?

That's Jordan,

Jay's wife, Jordan,

who runs our company and shit.

She produces the movies as well.

She does?

Yeah, she's been our producer for years.

She's been producing since like Tusk.

Wow, she's really smart?

Fuck.

Smarter than both you and I.

And I know how smart you are.

As previously said.

You wrote me in.

She ain't that smart though.

She ain't got one of those fucking things.

You wrote this character.

I'm not even,

I'm fictional.

I'm telling you, bro,

you playing Jay's brother makes sense. Wow, really, dude? A hundred percent.
I mean, look, I ain't offering you no great shakes. Being in a Kevin Smith movie helps nobody's fucking career.
No, I just heard it doesn't make any money. Oh, wow, dude.
Yeah, that's true. And that's their daughter, Logan.
And then they have a little boy now named Lucian. He wasn't alive when we did this picture.
He came afterwards. That was Clerks 3.
So yes. Yeah, so it's dope beef.
They got two dispensaries of having dope beef, basically. Yeah.
That's cool. It's a war.
Yeah, we need that kind of fucking shit. That's a comedy, but it ain't no studio comedy.
Like, no studio. How much does it cost to make a movie like that? What's kind of like your highest budget? That'll be 10.
If I get i can i could get between eight to ten for a jay and silent bob type thing clerks three thing the 430 movie which is coming out september 13th presumably that's what we're here to talk about but i'm just i just came yeah i just came for the sales no i want to talk a little bit more about that we don't have to but the 430 movie cost three million bucks wow uh saban financed that and was it uh saban. Saban.
Have they financed some of your other films too? They did Jay and Silent Bob reboot. Okay.
Years and years ago, they also did the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Did they, and how much can we, can you make a real return on a movie like that? You can make a return.
You can make your money back and make a little scratch. Yeah.
I think that i think i can stay in the business for as long as i for three decades when i'm well past my fucking past due date because i could always pivot to inexpensive so a lot of people are like well it's got to be fucking 20 million i can't do it i'm the other guy where i'm like oh i could do it for three yeah whether we could do it for three or not like, we'll get there. We'll cram it into that fucking number.
I wouldn't want to be anything fancy. Yeah.
And the privilege of like making a movie, like everyone don't get to do that. It's a weird fucking proposition where you say to somebody like, can you give me a lot of money to make pretend? Most people are like, just make pretend by themselves for free and shit.
And you're like, I can't quite do it. And I realized like my is full of shit, man.
It's a pack of lies. Basically, what I try to do in life is artificially capture a moment that happened to me that made my head or heart feel something so overwhelmingly wonderful that I was like, if I could fucking capture that and put it in a movie and show people how it felt, I bet you other people would identify with that.
So it was like... Like Bridges of Madison County? I mean, I guess.
Absolutely. To some degree, right? If that was your speed or whatever the fuck.
But like the idea of... Like I was on set.
And I guess it was because 430 movie is the first movie I've not made. 430 is cool because it's like in the 80s or 90s? 80s it takes place.
It's in the 80s, 1986. Yeah, it just had this like this free when you couldn't when your imagination where you if you wondered if a girl cared about you all you could do is lay on your back in the in your fucking room floor listening to like um like nirvana or something yes together and just wondering and praying and pining and just dry humping the carpet that this woman cared about you.
Shy of dry humping the carpet, which I ain't against, but that was never a part of my repertoire. You've nailed the feeling.
Me trying to capture that fucking feeling, essentially that's what I do in movies. We weren't that rich.
Oh my God, were you rich? No, we weren't, but I heard about shag carpet and I thought that's what you were supposed to do. You heard about it.
Did you have carpet period? Oh yeah, we had carpet period. Yeah, we had wall to wall.
You did? Like the cheap shit. Yeah, you know what? Yeah, rugs are expensive.
Carpeting is less expensive. You could pee on our carpet.
Yeah, and others did on ours. Yeah.
Protest and sometimes. Capturing the moment though, being a liar for a living and shit like that.
That is what making movies is is all about that's why i like podcasting because it ain't a lie basically everything's true like you just sit down start talking having conversations movies is like i one day someone will try maybe not this particular moment but but and i've done it in movies you try to capture a podcast in a movie like in in Tusk, we have them podcasting and stuff. And once again, that's an artificial snapshot of a moment that made me feel fucking absolute joy.
And then you give that moment to the movie and then the movie goes out to the audience and then the moment stops being just yours. And then for the rest of your life, you interact with that movie.
Periodically, it comes up and you're watching it and you see this like wonderful this approximation um this half-assed approximation of some amazing thing that it happened to and you go oh shit that's right like that was mine but then i shared it with the art form and stuff when it comes to preparing for a movie what are some pitfalls that uh people can avoid um it might be little things it might just be energy being focused having enough time like honestly the biggest pitfall i mean you'll never have enough time you'll never have enough money i don't give a shit what your budget is like whether you have three million or three hundred every filmmaker every producer always has the same complaint which is like not enough time not enough money and even if you've got more money you think that'lleliorate it, it just winds up being the same fucking problem, economy of scale. So don't worry about that shit.
This is what you need to think about, I think, primarily. Be prepared in as much as like, if you're starting for the first time, you've never done this shit before.
Obviously, this isn't advice for people who do it for a living. Let's say you're a first timer.
Rehe the fuck out of that shit. Like a month on clerks, mall rats, chasing Amy, rehearse for a month before we went near a set.
That way your take ratio is going to be real low. Now, some people would be like, what does that matter in the age of fucking digital video? Back when you were shooting film? Yes, it was expensive to process film.
Time is money on a movie fucking set. So if you can accomplish it in one take, fucking move on the story of my life and i've told it before publicly so this might not be news to some but how i've been able to keep doing what i've been doing for 30 years if people are like i hate him why does he keep fucking how come he still works this is why i don't strive for excellence i ain't chris fucking nolan believe me every critic will tell you that and shit chris nolan strives for excellence the beginning of my career from clerks forward, was never like, let's make it fucking perfect.
If I was striving for perfection, I don't think I've ever made my first film yet. I'd still be sitting there frozen.
What will it be like? Good enough will take you very far. Good enough has taken me 30 years.
So on the set of clerks, we'd be shooting. I'd be like, cut.
All right, that's good enough. Let's move on.
Let's do do something else good enough has gotten me here has gotten me all the way to this fucking chair good enough will get you as far as you need to go now you know that's probably not winner talk right like fucking if you don't want to win an oscar you got to leave it on the table you got to fucking like make people hurt fucking make those movies where like leonardo's fighting a fucking bear and shit and fucking make people sit in the snow to do it because everyone's got to be miserable in order for this to read and shit like that. I ain't that guy.
I ain't that committed to it. I just like to make pretend, maybe get a little money for it and shit.
So I can't go in authentically like that, where it's like, oh, fucking everything. It's going to be perfection at the cost of everybody.
And there are directors who do that. And I respect them, I guess a little bit.
I wouldn't do that to my cast and crew, but like those movies are fucking successful because they've got a vision and a drive and the passion of a filmmaker. If I were ever trying to make one of those things, it wouldn't happen.
Number one, I don't have the talent. Number two, I don't have that kind of patience and shit.
Number three, I can't do that to other people. I want people leaving my set going, I had a good ass fucking time.
That's how I keep my budgets low. Crew comes back and they'll work for fucking scale because they're like, look, you don't pay a lot, but fucking it's a good time on a set.
You're going to enjoy yourself. You're going to have fucking happy memories and shit like that.
Good enough gets me to the set. You know, if I've rehearsed enough before we shoot and I'm on set, one, two takes tops.
And I'm like, good enough, moving on. And that time all adds up.
That's fucking money. So strive for perfection, I guess, at some point in your career.
I honestly never have. And I've just been doing it for 30 years.
And some people out there, I'm sure the letterbox crowd would be disgusted by that thought. Like, oh, he doesn't even fucking try.
Clearly I try. I've been doing this for 30 fucking years.
I don you show up. That's trying.
I don't try. And beyond show up, I deliver.
I just don't fucking make everyone's life miserable to fucking deliver something that's like, I've got a vision. Right.
It's like, I got an idea where we're going and shit. Let's all have a good time doing it.
Otherwise, what was the fucking point? If people on a set are miserable when you make pretend for a living, everybody has fucking failed and you shouldn't be doing this. Like, it should be fun.
It's making pretend for a living. And I understand, you know, there are some people like, no man, art is pain.
And it's not really, this is, this is an art form. Don't get me wrong, but like, doesn't have to be fucking painful.
It's very cathartic. And a lot of folks can't do that fucking pivot.
Like it's gotta be this. And I don't believe in that.
So I'm the guy that's just like, that's good enough. Let's move it on.
Every one of my movies is good enough. Don't got to be this and i don't believe in that so i'm the guy that's just like that's good enough let's move it on every one of my movies is good enough don't have to be great and shit i saw somebody the other day on twitter was like it's got like one or two really brilliant ideas in his movie and the rest is just some fucking horse shit and i'm like yeah i mean that's it you don't have to keep watching if you don't like that kind of thing but i'm lucky i got one or two good ideas in the horse shit, like especially 30 years into my career.

Oh, it's fascinating, man.

Because if you're always aiming for perfection,

but a lot of times if you're showing up and delivering and good enough,

because most people don't even go that far,

the fear of not being prepared for perfection prevents them sometimes from

taking the step.

Where it's the fear of not being able to achieve perfection. I just accept early on.
It's like, I'm never going to be fucking perfect. And you're never the dictator of this anyway.
And I don't mean the dictator like a guy or an autocrat. You don't get to dictate whether or not that thing is what it is that you say it is.
You make a thing with one intention, the audience is going to tell you what that fucking thing is, what it means and shit like that. This is a story I tell an awful lot.
So if you've heard this in another place, I apologize. But when I was making the 430 movie, and this ain't to bring it back to that, but it's relevant to this conversation.
I was shooting a scene with the three boys. They're in the car, and they're just fucking goofing off while they're driving, dancing while they drive, playing Chaka Khans.
I feel for you. So for direction, I I went over to the vehicle and I was like, kids, you know, you're just goofing around and dance, whatever the fuck, do whatever you want.
Just as long as you make it iconic. And I walked away and that fucked all of their heads up.
I had no idea. Like Nick, who plays Bernie in the movie, was like, that's your fucking direction? Make it iconic? That's a little fucking pressure.
Don't you think? And I was like, well, no. I said, oh, then I realized I have the benefit of experience.
I've been doing this for 30 years. I was like, what I mean by that is that every decision that you're making here in real time is like dropping a stone in the water and watching the ripple effect or the butterfly effect.
Like it's crazy what people years from now will concentrate on about this weird little moment in the movie that you're just like, what should we do? And I'm like, oh, just make it iconic. And I mean that because people will be watching this scene forever and it will hopefully connect with them.
Even if it's somebody who wasn't alive in 1986, a current day teenager, who could see that fucking sense, that joy that's in the scene. So these things we do in the moment, like this very bit passes and it's just a fucking Kevin Smith movie, but I promise you, this movie is somebody's, going to be somebody's fucking life preserver.
There's going to be their buoy that's going to keep them fucking drowning. And I know that because I've been doing it 30 years.
And I was at the Dallas Fan Expo like last year.

And a guy came up to me.

It was like in his maybe early 30s, late 20s, early 30s.

And he had a copy of Mallrats on VHS.

Very well-worn copy and shit.

I was like, holy shit, look at this fucking ancient piece of Americana.

I mean, how many times you watch this?

He goes, a lot.

I said, who am I signing it to?

He goes, I want you to make it out to my son.

Gave me his son's name. I was like, what's the story there? You get a few minutes to have this exchange.
And my man rocks my fucking world. And he goes, I'm going to give this to my son when he's older.
He's gone, this is the movie that saved my life. And I'm like, thank you.
And you hear that a lot. I'm sure you've heard that too, where people are like, bro, your show saved my life or blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes I'm driving, you're the difference between me going crazy and not. Or I saw your standup special that made me fucking laugh and that fucking, I needed that on that day because I was circling the fucking drain.
So in this business, we have experience with people that perhaps overly express it by saying something like, oh my God, fucking your shit saved my life and stuff. So I've heard that sentiment and I know how to receive it.
And I'm like, oh my God, thank you. That's so kind.
And he goes, no, I'm serious. He's going, my father used to beat the shit out of me every day after school.
I'd come home and he would mercilessly, relentlessly beat me to the point of fucking near dying. He's like, and then I would crawl to my bedroom, bloody mess.
And I would close the bedroom door and I'd put in mall rats and would escape to the mall with TS and Brody and Jay and Silent Bob. And he's gone.
And that was my happy place. And that's how I survived living with my father through this fucking tape.
He goes, now I have a son and he's gone. And I would never be the piece of shit that my fucking father was to me my whole life.
And I want to give my kid this tape when he's's old enough so he understands he could survive anything because his father survived the absolute worst. And this was what he clung to.
And naturally I gave him a big hug and I was like, no dude, you survived that shit. Like fucking, this is just a movie that might've helped.
But like, when you share of yourself like that, and you go off and make it, you know, don't matter what it is, when it comes to movies, they have this weird impact. It doesn't matter what we do when it comes to this show, when it comes to your live shows, but particularly when you make something like a movie, people cherish that kind of thing, because you're in and out, there's an engagement period.
90 minutes to two hours is gonna take you on a ride and then bring you back and leave you where you were. So everyone knows what to expect in that, and over the course of their lifetime, they've turned to movies in times of trial.
Oh yeah. I watch Family Man every year to feel good.
So you create that and you become that for somebody else. So movie you're talking about, Megan with Spade, I guarantee you one day somebody comes up to you and tells you a story as fucking heartbreaking yet as wonderful as that, which is like something you didn't even give that much thought to.
Like if my man up to you he's like dogma saved my life i'd be like i understand it man like fucking i worked hard on that and that movie's pretty fucking profound on some levels and shit yes it has a lot of butt fucking jokes but i like to balance it out but when somebody tells you like all rats save their life you're like i wasn't thinking that when i made that movie do you think 25 year old kevin smith was gone uh, this is going to save somebody's life? Hold on. Jay, get ready to fucking swing me across the fucking mall.
You don't think about that. So when I told the kids, make it iconic, that's what it comes down to.
Even the things you're not thinking about as being important, you think are dismissive or just, oh, it's just a moment in a movie. Someone will find that as the buoy that keeps them from fucking drowning.
So every moment then is kind of important but isn't that the lesson of life in general? Every moment is kind of important man. Like you know when I was in the nut house they say all sorts of simplistic shit which is fucking really helpful.
You can put it on a towel and stuff in a kitchen, aphorism or whatever the fuck. And what they every day is a gift that's why it's called the

present and it's kind of true like it's absolutely true like so often we're so fucking bored as a

species that we don't think about like you're only gonna get so many breaths you're only gonna get

so many heartbeats and shit like that and i always tell my wife after the heart attack i was like uh

i'm living on borrowed time and she's like that's fucking macabre and i was like no as i'm painfully

aware we're all living on borrowed time i'm just fucking well aware of it act accordingly

Do you think like as a creator do you ever want to invent something do you ever also think about inventing something but you didn't do it because a lot of times people who are creative think about things like does is there ever been not an invention like fucking floby or something right but anyone that kind of stood out in your head or something because i thought like i've been trying to make to make this movie Moose Jaws for 10 years. One day I'm going to get, it's going to happen.
I'm going to find the money for it. And eventually I'm going to get to the place where I'm like, you know what? I'll just put up my house.
I ain't got Theo Vaughn money and shit, but I got a nice house where I could probably. You can live in that Celsius cooler if you want to.
I will. I'll sell my house and live there.
I'm like, honey, get ready. Cause who, like, yeah, I always say like who invented the swimming pool or whatever.
Like I always think about who invented certain who invented certain stuff you know or like and then i think if i would want to have an invention like i thought of um oh i used to think there was a dog collar or whatever that if because they had a lot of howling dogs by us when i was a kid and so if it howled it would help the dog learn how to howl um more melodically or whatever like a adorable um musically you know so so eventually the howl it's not just like oh yeah it's like oh there's somebody to howl with because they always harmonize when there's more than one right so then it's a lonely dog it's almost like having a pocket pal like bell biv dog bow or dog bow or something like a mezzo spaniel or whatever first draft for a name but i like where you're going yeah okay good yeah but wouldn't it be beautiful if you're laying there and one of them house you like these motherfuckers but then they're like totally they're all fucking singing in unison and shit so i thought if you could do a group collar like for a neighborhood or small region i thought that that would be pretty cool and then you and then fucking they're the next nirvana three neighborhood dogs that just got together and have these harmonies in college.

And people are like, he's singing exactly how I fucking feel.

I don't know what he's saying, but that's how I feel.

That's the beautiful thing about art.

You don't even have to know the lyrics to a song by Dog Nirvana.

You just feel it when you play it.

That's why if I was a, I wish I was in a different art form.

If I was a singer, I could open up my mouth, sing a note,

and you'd know how I felt.

That'd be me, my self-expression. If I was a painter, I could take a blank canvas, put some color on it, you'd know how I felt.
But I'm a director. I chose directing as an art form, as the dumbest art form, because that's where you say shit like, I need to self-express.
Give me $20 million in Ben Affleck's stat. It's not the best art form for a guy like me.
I always felt like me in film was like me trying, like I took Spanish in high school, four years in Spanish. Oh, yeah.
But very minimal, un poco Spanish. So I always think of me as a filmmaker, as like somebody who took four years of high school Spanish, you know, got C's to D's, and then tries to go to Spain and passes as a local.
Oh, I see what you're saying. Like visually speaking, visual storytelling is not my first language.
Like language like this shit if movies were this like just two dudes sitting down and talking yeah you'd be Jerry Garcia son oh fuck Jerry Garcia man i'd be making that Theo Vaughn money you've gotten uh yeah but did you ever think of an invention i just think creative people always wonder if they think of inventions you know i don't i'm not crazy i guess you've struck the nerve. I'm not creative because I would think of an invention if I did.
But I never doubt that. I know that's self-involved.
My head's up. You create a lot of stuff.
Yeah. But just about me and my world and shit.
Very myopic. So, no, I've never thought like, oh, this invention would be good for others.
I've never like done something. There's got to be a better way.
You've gotten to direct a lot of you got to direct george carlin you've got a direct ben affleck um anything that stands out to you about uh talented men like that in general or talented actors in general anything that they all have in common or something that you notice about people that are able to grab people's attention it's a cool question i like it um let me see is there such thing as like, that person's got it? I do believe in that. What are the kids called today? Riz? Riz, yeah.
Aura. Aura, that's the new word? Thank you.
I think anyway. I'm not sure.
Anytime I get a new word, I dial my clock back a little bit. Aura, kids.
But let's just go with the Riz, which was like, I don't know, 10 minutes ago or whatever the fuck. The ones that got the Riz, those are the ones you know about.
They work a lot because they've got this natural charisma where it's like camera loves them, they know how to be exactly in front of a camera. Somebody like Brad Pitt, born to be in front of a camera.
One could argue like, well, over time, he learned how to be in front of a camera. Sure, maybe, but number one, he's attractive to look at.
In the movies, we like to look at attractive people and stuff uh number two he seems very relaxed and natural so you never like he's acting it almost seems like he's fucking underacting a lot of times he's just not phoning it in but he ain't trying man you don't get the fat you have a feeling this thirsty motherfucker's really going for it just there and he eats all the time in the movies he's always just sitting there fucking eating and shit casual as fuck as fuck. So that dude's got like, tripping with charisma.
That's why he's a goddamn movie star. So all of them, when you reach that level, like where you're casting people who've been in other things that are famous, they're all fucking, they all got the riz.
They're all Jedi's. Like at a certain point, you start working with complete Jedi's across the board.
It's just a, you know, a fucking matter of how Jedi are they? How fucking powerful are they and stuff? Everyone could do it, but some people are exceptional. So Michael Parks, the guy that was in Red State for us in Tusk, he's the crazy old man in Red State in Tusk.
He passed on a rest in power. That dude was brilliant.
The best actor I've ever actor ever in my life he gives an eight minute hate speech in red state that like i'm not going to say it almost convinces you but like you forget that it's an a vile fucking speech that he's giving because it's delivered so incredibly well and through the southern pitois that he chose and stuff it he that guy has had it he's passed now. But yes, to answer the question, absolutely.
I think there's other words for it. People always say, they got it.
But for lack of a better description, it would be the Riz. They got the Riz ready to go, man.
Like extra. Do you think it's kind of gross how the media, like the media always takes pictures of Ben Affleck looking sad, you know, or trying to make him look sad.
That's only because the public's interested in it. Like if they did it once and nobody clicked on it, they wouldn't take, they wouldn't fucking run that story again.
But people find it fascinating where they're like, why is that guy who must be so rich and has it all, why does he look like that? And you got to think about this and this is not. But they know he struggles with addiction, right? They know that that's happening.
So like, isn't it gross then at that point to, if you know somebody has like, because alcoholism. Do I think it's fair? No.
But like he knew the job was dangerous when he took it. He's in a high profile public position.
Unfortunately, that comes along with it. You can't just sign up for movie star worldwide global fame and go like, yeah, but nobody can take pictures of me when I'm not in a good mood, right? Like, that's part of the rule.
Like, if you go out in the world, we live in a world of cameras, that's going to happen. But it only keeps happening because they did it once and people clicked on it and found it interesting and then started making memes about it.
So then people keep feeding the beast. So I, you know, do I think it's fair? Well, let's break it.
Let's break it down like this. I'll break it down like a Catholic.
Ben's life is pretty wonderful from the outside, it looks like. And even from the inside, knowing him, it's pretty wonderful.
And Ben's gotten to see a lot of his dreams come true. If the cost is every once in a while, somebody's like, he looks fucking sad when he's drinking Dunkin donuts yeah i mean at the end of the day you gotta let that shit go and now that's easy for me to say as a guy who like still finds himself dipping into the comments going what are they saying about me which is fucking recipe for disaster ben is not that guy as far as i know ben has never had a social media account he's had a social media account but somebody else fed into it he was not the guy posting so he ain't looking for that shit he's not real public and stuff but it comes along with the job if you're going to be the guy who you know you were one half of the good wall hunting boys that the whole world fell in love with you you took your moms to the oscars come on there's nothing cuter about that they're asshole kids and whatnot and you know of- And the Patriots won so much.
And the fervency that goes along with that. Yeah, fuck him.
You're right. Not fuck him.
Yeah, sorry, buddy. It just comes along with it.
So if you don't want that anymore, give up the other thing. Yeah.
But unfortunately, it's a byproduct of the job that you've chosen. Yeah.
Like, you know, if Ben was a teacher in Cambridge, he'd go out, smoke a cigarette, drink Dunkin' Donuts, and look like he's having an existential crisis all he wants, and nobody would give a fuck. Yeah, it's true.
But because he's Ben Affleck, people have this idea that, like, he should be happier than that. And it's like, come on, man.
People are like, think about, like, I live in a world of three-act structure, and I realize it has really fucked me up for my entire life three-act structure is movies yeah and they always have an ending that's generally on the happy side but there's an ending and a conclusion and when those credits roll those characters don't have to fucking go back to work on Monday and just have a normal ass fucking day or then you see them fail or you see that couple that fell in love fucking like fall apart and shit like that you don't see that movies are happy snapshots moments and stuff like that so most people think like somebody like affleck is like oh my god this guy's got it made he must be happy every fucking second of the day it's possible oh i don't think fucking happy i think he's probably just a regular dude i just think it's 100 if like that there's websites and shit, if somebody has, you know, suffers from like alcoholism or something, they know that they're, you know, that there's something kind of, it's a condition that they would then do that. It just seems egregious to me.
Like I wouldn't do that to somebody like, oh, this person has a sickness. Let me show them looking depressed or something.
It just seems gross. Neither would I, and generally I don't engage in that sort of thing.
But I just wanna take a moment to shout you out for this. That's very sweet of you, Theo.
Like, that's most people going the other direction. People love a train wreck, right? Nobody goes to the train station to see the train come in fucking on time unless you're getting on the fucking train.
That ain't interesting. But was it a train wreck?

Oh, fuck.

Let's go look at the fucking bodies,

as George Carlin would say.

So it's nice to hear you go like,

I don't like that.

Like, you got a line where you're like,

this guy's got drinking problems,

or is that drinking problems?

This might make him drink again.

That's human to think that way.

Rest of the world don't think that way.

Rest of the world looks at that guy and they go,

fuck him, he's got it all.

Yeah.

Now, if the fucking Pats are winning, fuck him. I know.
I know there are levels and shit like that. Are you a sports guy? I am a little bit.
I got two more questions. Did you? I know you're.
Did you? I apparently have way more questions. I'm like, are you a sports guy? Did you go to Stan Lee's funeral? I did not go to Stan Lee's funeral, sadly.
Did you think about it? I don't know if you guys were even close or anything. We were very close.
I went to Stan Lee's final birthday party, which was in December, the few months before he passed away. Or right before, you know, or he was 95 and he almost made it to 96.
So it was his 95th birthday party. I still have pictures on my phone.
When they buried him, I didn't get invited. I'm not saying like, oh, fuck them.
They didn't invite me. But there was no like,

hey,

you could come or anything.

But we were fucking close,

man.

Like,

in the last year of his life,

nobody was close to him because the situation,

people kept him away from people.

He was kind of,

there was an elder abuse situation going on.

Yeah,

that party right there.

It was December 28th,

2017.

Happy birthday.

And then he died a few months after that. So, But the last year of his life, it was tough to be around him.
And I don't mean tough to be around him because, like, what an asshole. I mean, you couldn't get near him.
The people who were kind of in charge of him kept everyone away. I couldn't text him anymore or even call him and shit like that.
So I didn't have access toward the end. It was a sad ending for Stan.
But I realized like toward the end, we did a commercial, an Audi commercial when Age of Ultron was coming out. And the premise of the commercial was like the Stan Lee school of cameo acting.
So he would put on like Thor's helmet and be like, this is acting. And then he put on like a random general helmet.
And he's like, is cameo acting. Cause Stan did a lot of cameos and shit.
So the whole spot is that. And then he gets in an Audi and drives away and it's a class.
I'm in the class. Jason Mewes is in the class.
Michael Rooker's in the class. I have seen it.
Yeah. It ran like years and years ago.
So we shoot this spot and I was hanging out with Stan all day. And then we do in the last shot where car goes past Lou Ferrigno hitchhiking, like at the end of The Incredible Hulk.
I was talking about the post office once. Lou Ferrigno? Yeah.
Awesome, dude. Nice.
Very nice to me. So Stan's like body man, business guy, financial guy, came to set to like watch the end of the show.
And he was hanging out by monitor and we were chit-chatting. And he was like, Oh, I love this stuff.
I love production. He's going, Stan's so happy.
He always has a good time hanging out with you. And I was like, Oh, I always like being around Stan to just seem like a nice thing to say.
And then the guy like fucking lethal is a heart attack. He goes, you know, he thinks that you like a son fucking like, I was like, what? Like, and then it occurred to me that like, I always thought he was just being nice to me because we put him in mall rats.
Like he was just being, Stan, political. Which is like, hey, everybody.
Everybody's fucking grandpa and shit. But he legit actually liked me as a person.
Yeah, when I see that picture, actually I thought of that for a second kind of. He taught me a lot.
He had a little bit of a father, kind of. He taught me how to be me for a living.
He didn't sit me down and be like, this is how I'd be. But this is a dude who, like, you know, it was one thing to be creative, right? Like, he co-created most of the Marvel Universe.
And, yes, you know, of course, he worked great artists like Steve Ditko and Jack Kirby and whatnot. But, like, the imagination that went into it, this was a man who wanted to write the great American novel.
I remember talking to him, interviewing him at one point. He was like, well, I really wanted to write the great American novel.
And I was like, Stan, you did. You just didn't do it as a book.
You did it with the Marvel Universe. It's our modern fucking mythology.
But he wasn't aiming for that. Wow, that's so true.
It was just something he did for money and backed into. And then later on the culture shifted like into, into his favor because people like comics, but he was like fucking banging the symbols for comics.
Since I was a kid, I remember my father like calling me out one morning, I was getting ready for school. He goes, get inside.
Spider-Man's dad is on TV. And it was on Good Morning America talking to like the, one of the earliest hosts of before Lunden, on Good Morning America about comic books.
And here was a grown-ass adult man on television talking about something I was passionate about, something that I knew very well and loved. So I respected the dude right away.
I knew his voice even before I saw him and even before I heard his voice in Spider-Man and his amazing friends in every episode because he would write that Stam's soapbox. And in it, he was a salesman.
He was an artist, don't get me wrong. And he co-created all those characters, but that don't mean shit.
You can make a million books and characters and shit. If you don't know how to sell yourself and sell your work, nobody going to hear about it.
And that guy, a lot of people are like, he took all the credit himself. I'm not here to address that.

All I know is he pushed the medium of comics so far.

He was out there in the mainstream.

He would go to colleges before anyone respected comic books.

When colleges were like, these books, 10, 20 years after Stan wrote these stories,

he would be invited to come proselytize, talk about the art form, the emerging art form.

One of the only true American art forms is the fucking comic book, the superhero comic book.

So this was a man who was like out there doing the work, like building the fucking rails upon which billion dollar fucking steamships move now. I mean, Deadpool doesn't happen if that doesn't happen.
Exactly. And he didn't create Deadpool, nor did he create Wolverine.
But he created the playground

in which those two characters were created by

other creators in the Marvel

universe. Comics and stuff.
So yeah,

I miss him.

I learned a lot from him. It's like you can't

expect other people to love

your shit unless you love it. First, you gotta love it the best.

That's what I was saying a long time ago.

You're the only audience you can guarantee

to satisfy. So if you can keep your budget low, real low, and it don't matter, go for it and stuff.
But just don't expect the whole world's going to come. Modify your expectations like my wife.
So the 430 movie, it's about 85 minutes long. And it touches on like young love, kind of that first moment.
Oh, it's dripping with fucking young love. God, you remember that? You remember going to your first date movie or not? At that movie theater.
Absolutely. The whole movie is about that first date with my high school girlfriend, like Kim Loughran, who Kim Garby now, she married.
But the flick is set at the movie theater, Smart Castle Cinemas that I have with my friends friends in Jersey, in Atlantic Highlands. You can go to it and go see movies there.
We do events there all the time. SmartCastleCinemas.com.
Look for events. It's in Red Bank? In Atlantic Highlands, New Jersey.
Atlantic Highlands. Not far from Red Bank.
But in that theater, hanging up behind the ticket counter, is a note that I wrote to Kim. Kim Loughran wrote to me when we were in high school and it said, uh, Kevin, will you take me to see dirty dancing at the Atlantic Highlands twin cinema, uh, this Thursday or whatever? Love Kim.
So it's hanging up at the theater because like the note was about that theater. And I grew up and bought that fucking theater with my friends and kept it alive and stuff.
So the movie is aching with like star-crossed first love. And I remember to talk about, I'd read a review for Pretty in Pink when I was a kid and it was in the Asbury Park Press, our local paper, and I could never figure out who wrote it.
It wasn't the person who reviewed films locally, so it was a wire service review. But of Pretty in Pink, they said, sometimes you just want to enjoy a movie where the biggest stakes are whether or not the kids are going to go to the prom.
And that stayed with me since that fucking movie years and years and 40 years ago. So this movie is incredibly low stakes.
It's just like, are they going to go on the date or not? I was just aching with like that fucking like, Oh, what it was like to be a kid in those days before there was social media, before you were kind of isolated on your cell phone. Phones play a big part in the movie, but it's like emergency breakthroughs.
Like, and there are cordless phones, but it's like the pull up the thing as you talk and a lot of fucking push button dialing and stuff. So it's of an era that like, you know, that I grew up in that kind of shaped me.
And most of the movies I've ever made have been about like the 90s so to speak I would love this movie is more about the 80s takes you back to like 86 so it is it's really like where is it's hard on its fucking sleeve and the kids in it are amazing Austin Nick Reed Sienna like a fantastic cast I when I finished the script there was normally when I make a movie I'm like script's the best thing about it yeah and I always felt that way because I'm like, we can get a cool cast, but it's all predicated on the script. This is the first time I read one of my scripts, and I was like, well, I hope the cast is real good because there's not a lot going on in the script.
I said, but if the cast is charming, this movie will work. And the cast is crazy, wonderful, charming.
So if the movie works at all, it's because of them, because of Ken Jeong, because of Justin Long, because of all the people that are in it. But September 13th, you could see it at a theater near you and then digitally, of course, it'll come back.
We'll share about it on my socials too, man. I'll make sure that we remember that.
Yeah, I remember being that age, just praying that my dick would be big. You know, we used to do that all the time.
Me and my buddy Scott. I prayed for that.
I was always okay with the dick size and it wasn't big, but I was like, when did you realize you didn't have a big dick? Why were you praying for something? For all you knew, you had the biggest dick in the world. Well, I think at like 12 or 13, some people started praying about it around us.
But did you have a size comparison to look at and be like, my dick's not like that? No, but you just knew people wanted to have- How did you just know, Theo? People said, like, oh, you got a little- People would say, oh, what's up? Why'd you believe him? You had no proof. Proof's in the pudding.
if you're if you're not seeing it you're not being it so all this time you've been worried that you got not a big enough dick you could have gone home anytime you wanted all you had to do was click your heels together you have for all you know you got the biggest dick in the world you know what your show whip it out let's find out i'll take out mine and you're gonna feel like a champion you're gonna be like oh i'm better than them in this way too look you I can hot 11 of my days behind one Celsius can. Iip it out.
Let's find out. I'll take out mine and you're going to feel like a champion.
You're going to be like, oh, I'm better than them in this way too. Hey, look, you can hot 11 of my days buying one Celsius can.
I'll tell you that. That's my dream, to be thick as a Celsius can and just as tasty.
Oh, now we're talking. Arctic blast.
It'd be very easy to get blown if you taste it like Arctic blast. Especially if your wiener had like one of those pop things at the end, like a pop top.
If they could just pop it open. And also if when they were done, they were going to be like, I'm going to feel energetic because I can burn extra calories.
I'm ready for work. That would change your wife's behavior in the morning.
I think. It truly would.
Maybe I could get like 8am, 9am going on. God, I'm going to pray about that.
So wait, but you said something before, you don't, right now you're not in a relationship. No.
When was the last year's relationship? Probably like four or five years, you know? So's why you're successful son oh i feel like you're like fuck love you're like i'm married to my job yeah that's what happens so now the job's in a great fucking place now you're like hmm who will i who will i share all this with yeah now i gotta find a wife i gotta get some i gotta get a little bit of help first i gotta decompress you don't need to find a wife you find a wife. You don't need to find a wife.
You just need to find somebody. Yeah.
You ain't gotta marry him and shit like that. Yeah, find a...
I mean, you got a lot to protect right now, so don't fucking... Find a partner in crime.
Yeah, just find somebody that when you're done doing it, when you're done being Theo, you know, you just go be Theo. Yeah, and just have some kids that are your own to play with and stuff.
Oh, God. Be careful, though.
When you have kids and you want to hang out with them and you do shit with them, public gets shitty. I put up that thing about Beardless, Dickless Me on my Instagram, and there was somebody that was like, ew, stop forcing your kid down my throat.
And it's like, you don't have to fucking listen. It's a free podcast.
It's not mandatory. I'm not saying there's like taxes where it's like, you got to do this.
It's like, if you don't want to fuck with it, don't fuck with it. It's always amazing to me when people get hostile and shit like that.
There's one guy who's like, this is the weirdest reaction. He goes, I saw a video where you were crying on YouTube and shit.
You went crazy. And you said you were going to stop posting.
And now it's give me a dollar here, give me a dollar here. And you're doing this podcast.
So I went through everything he said. I was like, is any of this true? And I did do a YouTube video, but I wasn't crying in it.
And I did say I was going to like not fuck with my socials as much, which I didn't for the better part of a year. After I got out of the fucking nuthouse and shit, I stayed away from that shit so I could try to figure out how I felt about myself.
Nevermind how this random fucker feels about me and shit. And then he was saying that like I asked for a dollar here and there.
It's not true. I was advertising a free fucking podcast.
And I was about to respond. And then I was like,

you know,

you've been around so fucking long.

You know the game.

Why are you even fucking wasting a second, man?

So I just deleted that shit,

moved on with my day.

It's like,

they taught me in the nuthouse, man.

Like,

there's two places that human beings love to exist.

And the two least healthy places for a human being to be the past and the future condition of the human being is such that we spend so much of our time thinking about what we've done and what went wrong and what could have and should have happened and our regret. And we relitigate the past.
Like we're expert fucking lawyers and barristers and shit like that. And so we're not here in the moment, we're in the past going like, oh, remember I said that shit, and why didn't that person say hi that time? And fucking, man, how come that dude's doing it, and I'm not, why are they ahead of me and shit like that? That's all fucking stuff you can't do anything about.
Past happened, you can't rewrite that, you can't change it. Like maybe if you're Tony Stark, you can go back and change it, then end game happens.
But you cannot fucking change the past. So stay out of the fucking past because the past is depression.
Future is anxiety because nobody controls that shit. Nobody knows what's going to happen.
And you can't sit there. We're reading a lot of people you meet and me like, you should write a story.
Like I ain't creative. Like you bullshit.
Everybody in this audience is way more creative than me. It's fine.
A writer than me, if not better when it comes to imagining a dire future for themselves we are all the most creative and inventive fucking individuals when we're thinking about all the shit that could go wrong we build scenarios crazy scenarios about this happens and this and this and this and we live in them they're so fucking real the body remembers there's a book called the body remembers which is about trauma and how the body stores trauma scientifically proven body remembers trauma so then later on in life when you think about the trauma guess what the body remembers it and it revisits it through the amygdala and shit like that so when you've got ptsd that's why people get shakes or fucking have to be away from people and stuff that's real the physically the body remembers fucking trauma and stuff like that. So the best way past all that shit, I don't know, I'm still trying to figure that out.
But stay out of the past, goddammit, and stay out of the future because you can't do anything about it. All that fucking, like, think about this.
All that, like, oh my god, this is going to happen and this happens and everything fucking goes wrong and I lose again and shit. Oh yeah, it's a nightmare.
It's not true, though. It's you're just making up you're gonna make some future shit up because that's what it is you don't know what's gonna happen flip the script and just fucking make up all happy fucking goofy ass unbelievable good shit for yourself dude it has as much likelihood as fucking happening that's the truth it ain't even fucking fantasy it's like you're already not you but the collective you you're but the collective you, you're already living in fantasy.
If you're like, no, only bad shit happens. You're already fucking weaving a fantastic fucking tale that is untrue and it's based on no facts whatsoever.
So if you can do that, just fucking change it to like, you know what? Marvel calls me all of a sudden, I'm directing the next fucking Avengers movie. It has just as much a chance of happening as the negative bullshit.
So if we can't live in the past or shouldn't live in the past and it's unhealthy and we shouldn't live in the future, if past is depression, the future of anxiety, there's only one place to be. We have no choice.
Be here in the present. But so often we're not in the fucking present, man.
Nobody wants to be in this moment. They want to be there.
Everyone's headed to a place and then everyone's obsessing about where we've been kids this is what they

taught me in the nut house i'm gonna save you a lot of fucking money and time and shit like that be here and now be mindful breathe the easiest way to do that if your head's going crazy and you're in the fucking future and shit and you're worrying about some bad bullshit if you're in the past worrying about some old fucking shit that happened what you need to do is just this crazy as shit free as fuck. Breathe.
You go

just breathe in and out five times, deep breaths. And you know what it does? It grounds you.
Do you know why? Because you cannot breathe in the past and you cannot breathe in the future. You can only breathe in the here and now.
So by breathing, you bring yourself back to the moment. You pull yourself out of that fake future that you're fretting about.
You pull yourself out of that horrendous past that you're still traumatized by and you're here now and you could sit there and go like well wait is anything wrong no my body's reacting to some shit i was thinking about because the body stores trauma and i just did this to myself i created this condition you could pull yourself out of that i'm not saying this is a cure for everything some people go through no shit but when you're in your head oh yeah that ain't real shit and you may have gone through real shit in your life but when you're in your head fretting about it you are making up a fucking fiction you don't recognize that yeah because sometimes you don't even recognize it and you work yourself up the body fucking dude you can i had a fucking heart attack and yes i had a heart attack because i had fucking packed you know l.a.d. full of cholesterol and shit like that people could put themselves in they say stress is the number one killer get you to that heart stress will kill me and stress is created by sitting around going like oh fucking what if it don't work out man i didn't love it work out because it never worked out in the past remember that fucking time you tried that thing and it didn't work you're fucking asshole you got to put that shit away flip the script and be like i'm in the here and now if you you can't do that and you got to be in the future, just make up a better future.
It has just as much a likelihood it's coming true as the fake bullshit that you're fretting about and it's ruining your life. At least be an author for the best for yourself.
You can make it up. Make up good shit.
Kevin Smith, 430 movie comes out September 13th and my podcast with my kid. And the Smodcast Network.

Beardless.

No, it's iHeart.

Beardless Dickless.

iHeart Network.

Beardless Dickless Me.

I took all my shit behind a paywall years ago, all my podcasts and shit.

So this is the first one I'm going out in the world and seeing, like, what would it be like if I had infrastructure?

And the folks at iHeart were like, do it here.

So I was like, all right.

So Beardless Dickless Me.

It's funny.

I just sit around and try to make her fucking laugh.

I know some people are like, ew, fuck you and your happy kid. No, I think it's, that's sweet.
It is. It is.
Thank you, man. Thanks for all the entertainment.
Thanks for all the being your, trying your best to be yourself through your medium. And yeah, so many people have enjoyed so much your work over the years.
You're like, I'm not one of them, but I appreciate the fact that it exists. We've all enjoyed your work over the years dude you're gonna be in that next Jane Selling Bob movie like serious oh it's selling the weed I didn't say that don't start writing the part I'll take care of that no but you gotta play Jay's brother I'm telling you Jay's vibe is so similar I guarantee you in the comments kids in his comments should be like oh my god fucking you and Jay like sometimes you ever watch a movie or TV show and they do like a familial pairing like a mother and daughter.
You're like, that shit is fucking 100% on. I put you next to Jay in a movie and you both talk, 100%.
You're Jay's long lost brother who just was raised in the South and shit. Or your twang is from South Jersey.
Yeah. I did that joke in a movie, I'll do it again.
A lot of times people in Louisiana get accused of being from New from New Jersey. Thank you so much, Kevin.
Thank you for having me. Thank you for letting me talk as much as I did.
Apologies to anybody who tuned in to listen to Theo talks. I feel like I did most of the talking.
Dude, you know what's so funny is a blessing. I was kind of tired today and I'm grateful that you spoke.
Are you serious? Yeah. Fuck it.
Honestly, that's 100% meaningful to me. Number one, that's fucking crazy real.
And number two, I know what that means as a person who's done this a bunch of shit it's just like he's coming in all right like i like him and he made clerks all right but i ain't feeling up to it today so the fact that i was on motor mouth and you were like this works for me 100 anytime you don't feel like working you want me i'll just sit here and talk the whole time and you can fucking sit there and be present in the moment and breathe. And sorry the AC wasn't working.
The coldest thing in here. It wasn't? It wasn't.
The coldest thing in here is that Celsius cooler. Are you kidding me? We had it open earlier.
That's the coldest and the coolest thing fucking in here. Actually, you're the coolest thing in here, fucking Celsius cooler, second coolest thing.
Well, you're cool too, man. Thanks, man.
I did that. I said it just so you would say that back.
I'm Kevin Smith. Pull that shit putting on my Instagram.
Theo Vaughn said I was cool. Thanks, brother.
Now I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone.
Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found I can feel it

In my bones

But it's gonna take