E530 Bobby Lee

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Speaker 1 Today's guest is a comedian. He's an actor.
He's my friend. And you know him from Tiger Belly and Bad Friends and from all of his

Speaker 1 entertainment contributions over the past 20 years. Very fortunate to hang out today with Mr.
Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 I'll sit and tell you my stories

Speaker 1 Shine

Speaker 1 on me

Speaker 1 And I will find a star I'll let's take it

Speaker 1 Okay my crocs off

Speaker 1 You look like Mike

Speaker 1 Enough that don't start don't start with that

Speaker 1 you're gonna open like that. Okay.

Speaker 1 What you look like, what, what?

Speaker 1 What you said to what you said? What you said to those girls I was with last night?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 That's what you're going to do? Like what you did to those girls last night? I was with the girls. They always seemed like nice girls.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
No, I was going to say, you look like my science teacher, Mrs. Hayes.

Speaker 1 Dude, she was a Creole. Dude, I'm tired of you right now, dude.
No, serious. Your attitude right now.
What? We just got to get it. There's a Creole woman.
She's a Creole woman. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 So there's some brown in her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like there's a lot of

Speaker 1 mixing that

Speaker 1 if I'm with a girl

Speaker 1 at the comedy store and you walk up and you say something like, hey, you like hanging out with a boiled egg?

Speaker 1 And then you walk away giggling, it don't make me look good.

Speaker 1 It don't make me look fine. And it hurt my feelings.
You know what I mean? It's like, that's not a layup. You know what I mean? That's like, you go up there and you go, pop, pop, pop, pop.
Right.

Speaker 1 And then you just walk away.

Speaker 1 nothing i get nothing from you right yeah but you know what dude she laughed and that's good well i didn't mean it i did i wasn't trying to like throw you under the rickshaw or whatever i was just trying i was like i thought a boiled egg was like important in y'all's community yeah yeah yeah i mean a boiled egg is important in many communities the irish do it Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. Probably Africa.
They do, probably have ostriches. Yeah, a potato is just a fucking gay boiled egg.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, that's true. It's like, come on.

Speaker 1 Another thing is. She was cute.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Is it a girl you're dating? No, it's just somebody I was trying to hit on.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I lost the momentum. And she'll probably never see me again because of the boiled egg comment.
That's not true. Yeah, yeah, 100% true.
And you seem to do that a lot. Do I really? No.
My bad, man.

Speaker 1 That was the one time. You know, but here's another thing.

Speaker 1 I have some problems I have with you. So I just, not underwrite it down, but I'm going to show you this.
You got a JPEG of it? No, no, it's just a text that you gave me.

Speaker 1 Oh, so secondly, do you think that I should, do you think I kinetically know where the fuck this place is? Yeah. I'm supposed to tell you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, right? I'm in the car driving like, I don't know where this place is.

Speaker 1 All right. And number three, this.
Okay. So a couple, maybe two weeks ago, or last week ago, bro, I need podcast guests next week.
Can you help me? Which I'm your friend, dude. Right.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 But then you also say, also, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm by.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I didn't know how to take that. So I just said, I'm down.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 I said, I'm down. Right.
And we kind of moved on from it. Right.
That doesn't concern you because apparently you were joking here.

Speaker 1 Well, when you said I'm down, I'm like, is he showing up to a podcast?

Speaker 1 Oh, I see. Is he showing up

Speaker 1 for me?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I should have have said, I will do your podcast. But even if you thought that, you would go, no, dude, I was just kidding.
Yeah. But you never did that.
I didn't get time.

Speaker 1 You threw it out there as a truth, right? And then I don't know what the thing.

Speaker 1 If you're bi, dude, I'm good. With it.
If I was by,

Speaker 1 I would know, I think, you know?

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? Like, I know. You would have an inkling or something.
Yeah. Like your ears would ring when you got around a gay dude or something, you know? Like,

Speaker 1 I think,

Speaker 1 but yeah, I didn't know if you were coming to pod or coming to let me poke yoke, homie. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think that we've known each other for so long, I don't think that we would ever poke, even if we, they had, even if there was sexual attraction. Oh, yeah, we wouldn't.
No, no, there's no way. Bro.

Speaker 1 No, no,

Speaker 1 what? Yeah, you know. You are definitely, you are, yeah.
So if we both had sexual attraction with each other. Or to men.
Yeah, to men. I don't think that you would find me attractive.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would, brother. Really? 100%.

Speaker 1 Okay, dude. And I mean that.

Speaker 1 And I want to say to you. I promise I would take you out.
I want to say to you, Ditto. Nice.
But thank God we don't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, thank God.

Speaker 1 It's like...

Speaker 1 But if something happened, right? Say something happened to all the women. There was like a big sinkhole and all the women were there and all the women disappeared, right?

Speaker 1 Or there was a big sail and then under the sail there was a sinkhole. So all.
Are they on a ship? Huh? No, like a big like clothing sale or jewelry.

Speaker 1 I thought you were like Noah's Ark. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 They're all just on a gigantic ship with a sail. Two of every.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No.
You get the pair of redheads, right? A pair of Ching Chongs.

Speaker 1 We don't use that type of language on the ship. Well, Chinese.

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That's fair. Yeah.
Yeah. Chops, we call them.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And also,

Speaker 1 also, another thing I want to say, because I have a lot of gripes. But we would have a date, though, dude.
Bobby, if we.

Speaker 1 Look at that. Yeah, but those are just friends hanging out.
Is that? I mean, one of us is hanging out. Santino just keeps fucking FaceTiming.
I just got to pick it up. What's up, man?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you pitching, you pitching the Cubs?

Speaker 1 You throwing the pit, you two. Did you throw it?

Speaker 1 I throw it the first pit. Oh, fuck yeah, man.
Congratulations, man. Let's go.
Dude, congratulations.

Speaker 1 All right. I'll see you later, dude.
Okay. Congratulations.

Speaker 1 Why would you text me for that or call me for that? But at least he cares. It's so dumb, dude.
You think? He grew up a Cubs fan, though. I know.
It's just like you fucking FaceTime me.

Speaker 1 Oh, I threw a ball at, you know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Andre Agassi. Yeah.
Yeah, I threw a plum to a. Yeah.
Anyway, let's go back to fucking. Let's go back to fucking.
Here it is. Wow.
Wow. They have it on the thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, he doesn't even get a really human being. He gets a bear.
Oh, damn. That's so sad.

Speaker 1 And he hugs the bear.

Speaker 1 Oh, for comedy. He does it for comedy.
Oh, that's so cool. It's so gross.
I'm so proud of him. Debbie Have you ever thrown one out? Yeah.
I don't think I've ever thrown a baseball in my life. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah. I've seen them in museums.
What about thrown like a hot bow or something? Bow bun. I've done that.
Yeah. Many times.

Speaker 1 Grandma, chat, catch.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Whatever. Whatever the language is.
But look, my last gripe is this, and then we can talk normally. All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I'm sorry about that, man. About what?

Speaker 1 Whatever the first gripe was.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You don't remember? Honestly, don't remember. I had a couple gripes.
Yeah, but you didn't want to go to me. Okay, that's good.
So here's another thing. I don't know what happened to you.

Speaker 1 And congratulations, by the way.

Speaker 1 For what, for being white?

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's messed up.
I don't know. Missed.

Speaker 1 Congratulations for being so white. No, about your success and stuff.

Speaker 1 But something happened where, you know, a lot of times you and I share share the same people, fans, right? But you've tapped into a fan base that doesn't like me that much.

Speaker 1 No, and I'll tell you who they are: super model gypsies. Really? They have Hannah tattoos on their necks, right?

Speaker 1 They look at me like they, they were at the store last night, they were like, give me like, you know what I mean? They wanted to say Ching Chong. Oh.
Yeah, yeah. And guess what, dude?

Speaker 1 You know what I want to tell them?

Speaker 1 If Theo is the Beatles, I'm definitely Yoko Ono.

Speaker 1 right? I'm a part of the, you know what I mean? Like, I'm a part of the

Speaker 1 ecosystem of the Beatles or whatever, right? But they looked at Yoko and went, eh, like, what do you, are you a part of it? You're just a fan, right?

Speaker 1 I'm like, we call, we're friends, you know what I mean? You're at least Chingo star. Yeah, Chingo Star, dude, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So it's, I'm sorry, man. Really? I feel like everywhere I go, everybody wants to ask me about you.
It could be anybody, construction workers, people inside of a building.

Speaker 1 It could be somebody that's a businessman, a woman at a counter. Everywhere I go, hospitals, people are like, oh, tell me.
Wait, wait, wait, stop.

Speaker 1 I don't get it. So what? People say, no, no, no, no, no, stop, stop.
At hospitals,

Speaker 1 you're saying,

Speaker 1 so the construction workers, the nurses, the hospitals, are they all Asian? Because you just made a voice. No, they're fans of yours.

Speaker 1 I understand that. But are they all Asian fans or just, are they whites too? Because when you did the accent, it wasn't clear.
Oh, I'll just, yeah, I think they're Asian here. Tell me how you...

Speaker 1 Tell me, tell me. This is what you did.
Tell me about what you know about the Bubby Lee.

Speaker 1 Is that what you want to say?

Speaker 1 Did you not go into an accent, though? Did I?

Speaker 1 Maybe you didn't. Do it again.

Speaker 1 A lot of them. Again, okay.
A lot of them will be like, I'm Theo. Okay.
I'm walking. Hey, man.
Hey, man. Hey, are you Theo?

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 Oh, you said no accent. Tell me about Bubby Lee.

Speaker 1 The Mexicans. Yeah.
Fuck yeah. Tell me about Bubby Lee.

Speaker 1 Tell me about Roberto Leo. So how did you tap into this new fan base? I don't know who they are.
You talking women with henna tattoos?

Speaker 1 I didn't see them. First of all, they sound like witches.
Okay, so I don't even believe in them. They sound white as fuck, dude.
Also, you're probably going to be fine. They sound white, bro.

Speaker 1 I don't know, man. Do you want to?

Speaker 1 Your fans, your fans are all over, Bobby. They're in over what everything

Speaker 1 every time i meet somebody they're like tell me about him where can we get him

Speaker 1 oh like i'm a like a porg no like you're one of those porg is uh-uh okay you're like one of those little head dolls that comes in that box what are those things called bobbleheads no it's porg

Speaker 1 funko pop yeah funko pop oh funko pop yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 i'm like a funko pop yeah yeah

Speaker 1 so they they ask as if i'm something that you could buy. Yeah, or they just

Speaker 1 if you mass produce me, you think you can make money. Oh my god.

Speaker 1 If you had a cloning technology, bro, if we had here, put one of your hands up right now, like that little cat that's for magic at the uh

Speaker 1 Korean salon. I remember talking about, I know what the cat is.
I know.

Speaker 1 The good luck one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Um, oh, yeah, it's that.
Yeah, that's kind of it. That's cool.
All right. Well, I mean, thanks.
But no, man, I'm see. Yeah, if somebody was rude to you, man, I'm sorry.
It's not just rude.

Speaker 1 It's just like they don't know who I am. That's not true, Bobby.

Speaker 1 No, those henna-tattooed, tattooed you know gypsy witches that you hang that that that like you know they're all beautiful by the way i didn't i don't know them oh you do

Speaker 1 what's that you're talking about cat von d dude no i love her

Speaker 1 bro she's the best yeah i've worked with her before she's you have a long long time ago yeah she's very she's very very very white it's like she's like a um creature that's like half like a she's almost like in a something that happens at midnight for 40 minutes you know like she's very like evervescent you You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? At midnight for 40 minutes, what happens? Like it's like a

Speaker 1 drive. Yeah.
The vagina opens. Oh, no, like a no, no, no, no.
She's married. Like a mirage or whatever.
Yeah, but that's also vagina opening. Oh.
Yeah, yeah. Well, apparently.

Speaker 1 Yeah. If you have to do this with a girl, do you think the vagina is too big?

Speaker 1 You've been in some coochie tunnels, I'll say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You've been underground in VMs. What kind do you like? Do you like the ones that stick out or are you like tucked?

Speaker 1 I kind of like the ones like that look like they have a little bit of lip liner on them. Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the combination of both.
Oh. When one lip is sticking out and one's tucked in.
Right. Like one of them is like the

Speaker 1 Bond me. I don't like if there's too much Bond, you know.
What do you mean, Bond? If it's a Bond me kind of vibe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
If there's too much Bond. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And do you, um,

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know. When's the last time you hooked up with a girl? Oh, just too personal.
You don't want to talk about it? No, I'll talk about it. Let me think.
It's probably been.

Speaker 1 Because what women don't know is, I think that you are very picky.

Speaker 1 I have to get this off my chest, man. I told you about this last night.

Speaker 1 What did you tell me? But I've been dating this person.

Speaker 1 And every time

Speaker 1 we, and rarely do we do this, make beautiful love. Oh, God.
Yeah. The sacred rituals of love.

Speaker 1 She goes, yeah, when I was, you know, eight years ago, yeah, I hooked up with Theo. Uh-uh.
Yeah. But she says it every time we're naked.

Speaker 1 And it hurts me. That's all.
And I want to share that with you.

Speaker 1 Fuck, dude. That's that's crazy.
I think I don't believe her.

Speaker 1 Oh, so you don't believe that you did hook up with her? No. I don't believe her at all.
You know what? I don't believe her either because I know that you are very picky. Yeah.
And you take your time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
El tiempo, they call me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you do long strokes.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I do strokes. I say it's long even though it isn't.
I'll be like, oh, that's long.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
You know what? You know what I mean by long strokes? Uh-uh.

Speaker 1 Long. I mean, I'm thinking you're assuming sexual.

Speaker 1 Well, you know, it's something, you know, here's what I don't like. People that are like, you know, talking about somebody with aorta issues or whatever, huh? Yeah, sometimes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like somebody just

Speaker 1 like stroking for distance, he strokes for a quarter mile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's sort of like, you know, when in the Olympics, normally in the Olympics, they do the breaststroke, but if you slowed it down and they, oh, yeah. You know what I mean? You do those.

Speaker 1 You don't do those? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do some of that. Yeah, I do long, right?

Speaker 1 And I take a nap. Oh.
And then I do short. Oh, yeah.
And then I rest. Do you take breaks? You're almost like a

Speaker 1 stanza of music, kind of. With like a

Speaker 1 half note, quarter note. Oh, you know what you're doing here? Whole rest.
You know when you do this? That's Asian vagina. It is? Yeah.
It's lenty. Is it really? That's a lie, huh? No.
It's a lie.

Speaker 1 It's all folklore. Is it? It's regular like everyone else.
For years, I, you know.

Speaker 1 I remember I almost made love to a Korean woman one time years ago, and this was in Idaho, and

Speaker 1 her legs kind of didn't separate. It was almost like you ever get really strong chopsticks or whatever and you can't open them or whatever.

Speaker 1 It was just like that, bro. I swear to God.
Maybe it was no offense to that lady. Maybe it was a mermaid.
Huh?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 Was it a mermaid? I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are there Korean Asian mermaids? There have to be, huh? Bring that up. Bring up an Asian mermaid or something

Speaker 1 beached Asians or whatever.

Speaker 1 Because if there were, they'd probably eat their own because they love sushi.

Speaker 1 Oh, here we go.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, there are.
And I'm the buy one.

Speaker 1 Dude, this dude will swim through West Hollywood, bro. I was in Hawaii that day.

Speaker 1 And I saw that at a store, and I bought it immediately. And I ran to the beach.
I go, take this photo. Dude, would you, dude? I'm telling you right now,

Speaker 1 oh, Little Mermaid. Oh, Little Mermaid would be better.
Oh,

Speaker 1 with me in it, no?

Speaker 1 Yeah. It wouldn't be Little Mermaid.
It'd be Fat Mermaid. But you did have like, up where they walk, up where they run.

Speaker 1 A pair they play

Speaker 1 in the Zoom.

Speaker 1 The music would change. Wondering three.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. We like to be.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Part of that.

Speaker 1 World.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Bobby Lee, man.
Good to see you. Good to see you, man.
Oh, those are my gripes. We're good.

Speaker 1 I appreciate it. You know,

Speaker 1 you've been going on the road with my friend, my boy Amir Kay. Yeah, he's wonderful.
He's a wonderful man, dude. Very funny.
Like, we're going fishing next week up in Oregon, actually.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he loves fishing. He's good at it.
Yeah. And you're doing shows up there?

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's a good dude.
And you don't tour as much. people want to see you more places, but you don't like leaving home as much.
Is that true? Yeah, that's okay. I don't go out at all.

Speaker 1 In fact, like I um, I'm going up to Vancouver on the 12th, and I'm doing it with Segura. And Segura's like, Well, can you do the day before and then the day after too?

Speaker 1 Because I'm playing Eugene in some place in Colorado.

Speaker 1 I just do Vancouver, you know what I mean? Because I just uh you don't like being away from home.

Speaker 1 Well, Well, I mean,

Speaker 1 just truth of the matter is, is that

Speaker 1 I like doing stand-up and spurts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm not addicted to, like, a lot. I see like Santino and all these guys, they're all addicted to the, you know,

Speaker 1 they're dopium hits. I'm open to dopium.

Speaker 1 Wait, dopamine. Dopamine.
Dopamine hits. They're dopamine hits, right? Doing shows.
And it's like, I've just never been addicted to that, that dopamine hit. Yeah.
You know, I

Speaker 1 love being at home. Yeah.
Yeah. And I, um, I don't know how you do it because every time I'm online, I see you, you're in Australia or whatever, whatever, and you're killing it.

Speaker 1 And it's like, I'm happy for you. But I just never had that addiction to it.
You know, I think because of the fact that like early on,

Speaker 1 I had just so much trauma from it. From being on stage? Yeah.
Like one time I was at, um,

Speaker 1 it's a casino gig in New Jersey. I forgot what it was called.

Speaker 1 And it's a casino gig that everyone plays. Montenegro.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know what it was, but it was like,

Speaker 1 and I remember they had this red

Speaker 1 curtain behind the stage.

Speaker 1 And I remember one show I bombed so hard. Because this is before, I think now, you know, because I have fans that get me, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But before... when I was just on Mad TV and stuff, like my fans,

Speaker 1 they knew me from scratch. And so they wanted to see me do, you know what I mean, my catchphrases.
Yeah. Like, you know, sometimes I do, or, uh-oh, hot dog, or whatever, right?

Speaker 1 Like home alone or whatever.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm talking about? Why don't they have Asian home alone? Why don't y'all make a home alone? Right.
Well, the home is made out of rice paper, aren't they? Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. And it's like, yeah, and they could get in quickly.
Yeah. The burglars, right? They could just run through like the Hulk, right? So maybe that's why.

Speaker 1 I I think it'd be a 10-minute movie then. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Get me! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm homolog.
I'm dying. Or whatever.
That's very good, clever, dude.

Speaker 1 You got, well, I think different cultures should all have their own films. Okay, let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 So I think that they should be, there should be a castaway,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 But an Asian guy, right?

Speaker 1 But instead of him talking to the volleyball, what'd they call him? Wilson. Wilson, right?

Speaker 1 Instead of that,

Speaker 1 he makes a volleyball factory.

Speaker 1 Right? He's a sweatshop. He makes monkeys and stuff work.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Right.
So you do little twists like that. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's more about the industry or something. It's more about work ethic.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And resilience in that way. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 He could have a couple of stores going on factory. Yeah.
You know what I mean? He could be making fucking volleyballs, right? Yeah. They should remake.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 1 Wizard of Oz. Oh.
All Asian. What do you think? Wizard of ASEA.

Speaker 1 Excuse me? ASEAN or ASEANS. Some people say, people aren't saying Asians as much anymore.
A lot of people say, oh, that's what you're saying. Oh, ASEAN.
Who are saying it like that? ASEAN.

Speaker 1 Who's saying ASEAN? I was at a hotel actually. I was in Australia and a lady said, we have a lot of ASEANs here.

Speaker 1 And I was like, who are they? Oh, ASEAN. Yeah.
We have a lot of ASEANs here. And I was like, who are they? Yeah, I was looking online.

Speaker 1 Were you in Australia? I mean, where were you? Yeah, I was in Australia. Oh, yeah.
And they said, yeah. They say a lot of things weird there.
Yeah. But they said, we have a lot of ASEANs here.

Speaker 1 Let's talk about the Asian wizard. Let's see what we can do with that.
All right. So the tin man.
You have the tin man, yeah. You put a little thing on it that says made in China.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's why he's broken. Yeah.
Right. Am I right? Right.

Speaker 1 And then, um, yeah, no, no, no toto. If I only had some bolts.
Yeah. Yeah.
No toto. Why? Oh.

Speaker 1 Tell me why they would, there'd be no toto. Um.

Speaker 1 Because somebody's in the clean plate club. Yeah, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So Toto would be eaten.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah. Toto's gone.
Okay, yeah. Yeah.
Toto T. Yeah.
We'd have Tototi. Dorothy? Yeah, yeah.
Right? That's the main lady. Oh, yeah.
Dorothy. Yeah, yeah.
And she doesn't want to go to Kansas.

Speaker 1 She wants to go to

Speaker 1 Tokyo. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the thing they say when they click the thing? Somewhere.

Speaker 1 Oh, somewhere.

Speaker 1 Oh, but the rainbow. Is that from the Wizard of Oz? Yeah.

Speaker 1 It is? Somewhere.

Speaker 1 Obodo Rainbow Roll.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Bring up a Rainbow Roll.
Yeah, Rainbow Roll. Yeah, yeah.
Somewhere over

Speaker 1 the Rainbow Roll. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 That's it. Those are just beautiful.
I remember seeing one of those for the first time. We would have the Cowardly Panda.
Yeah, the Cowardly Panda, huh? Yeah, yeah. And the Wicked Witch of the.

Speaker 1 Yeah, who would she be, though? We need to cast her.

Speaker 1 I know who it should be. Allie Wong.
No.

Speaker 1 She could play it good. Well, she's a good actress.
Yeah, she's good at it. So if she she needed to be wicked, she could be good.
Because she's wicked, though. She needed to be wicked.

Speaker 1 I think she could be. She would be good.

Speaker 1 Ooh, Allie's hot.

Speaker 1 You can see that. Oh, that's Damn Whitney.
Yeah, that's him Whitney. Oh, Whitney would be the Whitney Witch of the West or whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we have to have a Witch of the East.
Ooh,

Speaker 1 for sure. Allie for the East.
Yeah. And then who else is in the

Speaker 1 Wizard of Oz? They had Cowberry Lion. Yeah, well, we did Panda there.
You know what I mean? What about the Scarecrow? Do we change that up? The Scarecrow is

Speaker 1 full of hay or whatever. Hey, yeah.
Rice, maybe. Yeah, maybe dried rice.
Dried rice. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's right, right? Yeah, long grain. Yeah,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah. We do long grain rice with whatever.
If you had an Asian poor name, it would be long grain.

Speaker 1 That would be good, huh? That would be good. Yeah, I'm long grain, dog.
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Speaker 1 Last-minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Can I just say something about you?

Speaker 1 Is

Speaker 1 you are one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met

Speaker 1 in comedy.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Thanks.
I mean, it's, I think,

Speaker 1 can I give you my list? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. And you'll probably know.

Speaker 1 But, and we'll talk about men. Okay.
Okay. I'll talk about women too, but

Speaker 1 I think aside from you,

Speaker 1 let's grade them from one to 10. Niceness.

Speaker 1 Well, let's do it. It is.
Okay. Because I'm only going to give you names that are like nice.
Okay. Greg Fitzsimmons.
Oh, my God. Nine.
Out of 10? Yeah. For sure.

Speaker 1 And he has a new book that just came out. What's it called? It's a special.
And he has a new video book that just came out, a special. Yeah.
And on YouTube.

Speaker 1 He was just on your podcast about it, wasn't he? No. Greg Fitzsimmons.
Yeah, you know.

Speaker 1 So check that out. I love Greg Fitzgerald.
I love him. All right.
So let's go.

Speaker 1 Fihi Manoir. Oh,

Speaker 1 nine.

Speaker 1 Nine. Yeah.
I don't think anybody wants to be a 10.

Speaker 1 Right. They have a little bit of thing that makes them not be a 10.
Yeah, they're sick perverts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that keeps everybody a little low. Nikki Glazier.

Speaker 1 Eight or nine. For men, six.

Speaker 1 If she's supposed to be male, then she's doing a bad job. Yeah, yeah, bad job.
Female, nine. Yeah, for a female, I think she's a nine.
Yeah, she's nine.

Speaker 1 Let's try to find a 10. There's no 10?

Speaker 1 The nicest? The nicest guy in comedy.

Speaker 1 I don't think I can find a 10 then. Because if fucking Greg Fitzsimmons is a nine,

Speaker 1 maybe jelly roll. Sebastian.
Sebastian's a nice guy. A nice guy.
For a busy guy, he always tries to communicate and stay

Speaker 1 and stay tapped in. But he's also, but he's only, oh my God, I want to get in trouble.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. I try to edit my, you know, I got to edit my shit now, man.
So I got to think clearly.

Speaker 1 But I want to say something.

Speaker 1 I believe if you're in his

Speaker 1 visual range,

Speaker 1 right? Somebody that he has a relationship with, right?

Speaker 1 That he's a 10. I think he's a 10.

Speaker 1 But I don't think that if you're not in his visual range or in his ecosystem, it's hard to get in. Yeah.
Because he's so elusive. Yeah.
He'll park his car. He'll do a set.

Speaker 1 And there's no way of like, you know know what I mean, going, yo, yo, yo, let's, you know, I'm a comic too or whatever, and developing a relationship.

Speaker 1 I think he knows the people he knows is who he knows, and there's, and that fucking roster is filled. Yeah, that's what I think.

Speaker 1 I think at a certain point, you've done all of that, and it's like you only have so much bandwidth. You have children, you have a wife and parents.
And I think it's just,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's, you know. I don't know if doing a lot of that fucking yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, glad handing and shit.
It's not his shit, really. Yeah, but you're good at it.

Speaker 1 Well, I feel desperate, probably, for to be a people pleaser. No, because the truth is, last night, um, when I was with those two girls, three girls you were with.

Speaker 1 Um, no, the other one was a stray. Well, whatever, dude.
She knew that I was gonna probably go say hi to you, yeah, and she went to your show.

Speaker 1 Well, it's funny that a stray went missing around an Asian, huh?

Speaker 1 I like it,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But, um, and I knew that I'm like, yeah, come meet Theo. I don't have that thing like, oh, this could backfire.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know, sometimes people are like that, where like a girl will go, hey, can I, oh, okay. So my friend Alan Meadows, I grew up, I went to high school with him.

Speaker 1 He was at the store maybe a month ago, and

Speaker 1 he's never been to the store. And he's never, he's like, so like, he's one of those high school friends

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 is just so stoked for you. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And I, and I, and I, I love this guy. And we're at the store and he sees Mark Maron and he goes, can you introduce me?

Speaker 1 And for a split second, I was like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 You know, I did it. Yeah.
And Mark was also eating pizza, which I've never seen him do. I never seen him eat anything.
I know. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 I am either. So it's, yeah, it's scary to introduce.
But he was nice, though. He was.
Yeah, yeah. But

Speaker 1 you don't know. You know what I mean? Well, Mark doesn't pretend a lot, I don't think, you know? So I feel like, if you, you know, you're going to get the real Mark.
It's like Bill Burr.

Speaker 1 You're going to get who they are at that moment. Okay, do you get scared around him? When you walk up to him, Bill? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Bill Burry, I get, I get like, and I feel bad. It's just me.
He came on the show last night, dude. He jumped on the show.
Yeah, I know. It was fucking awesome, dude.

Speaker 1 I stood on the side and I was like, I need to go home and work right now. I did not want to tell a joke.
He's just, he's, he is,

Speaker 1 I mean, he is the best, maybe. I think he's the best, but there's just something about like me and Andrew were doing bad friends.

Speaker 1 He was upstairs, I guess, is an editing place, and he was editing a special. We didn't know that.
So we're just doing bad friends. He just walks in.

Speaker 1 We had no idea. And it was almost as if I was tongue-tied.
You know what I mean? I mean, he's done Tiger Belly a bunch of times. I've been to his house.
I'm friends with him. I love the guy, right?

Speaker 1 But every once in a while, I get tongue-tied. Like, I don't know what to say.
And I'm always like, he's one of those guys where it's like, you let him talk. Yes.

Speaker 1 And then you go, yeah, man, that's cool. Dude, that's how I was last night.
I was all embarrassed. I was like, it was almost like a hot chick was Eric.
I know. Yeah, he's a hot chick.

Speaker 1 And you're like, at the certain points, I couldn't even look at him. I just look at my other friend.
And we're both like supposed to be listening to him. Yeah.
We're both looking at each other. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He just, and he's also a super nice guy, too, which is also rattled. I kind of wish he was a dick.
Well, I think his material is so like him that

Speaker 1 there's like something that's intimidating about him, but I don't think he, I don't think he means it to be that way. No, I think his material is just

Speaker 1 in our heads, it's in our heads. Oh, totally.
It's so funny you said that. Yeah, it's in our heads because he left and we're all like, oh, dude, dude, I know because

Speaker 1 when I went back there,

Speaker 1 the residual of him being there was still around. Yeah.
People were like, oh, Bill was just here. Yeah, it was like, and I go, I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 1 It was like the Wizard of Oz. When that storm hit, people were like putting their windows back together and shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Maybe he could be the wizard in our Asian

Speaker 1 Wizard of of us. Oh,

Speaker 1 anyway, um, I'm gonna tell you something that happened to me the other day, and what would you do in this situation? But do you think it's because we're intimidated of his talent?

Speaker 1 Sorry, I'm gonna go back to what you're saying,

Speaker 1 and I'll go back to what you're saying. I just want to say, no, no, it's good.
We could just cut. That's fine.

Speaker 1 Okay, they're just, I'm gonna tell you, like we did with the nicest, I'm gonna tell you who, just in my opinion, when they're around,

Speaker 1 it has the same vibe. Okay,

Speaker 1 so Chappelle, obviously, Chris Rock, Like, Chris will go, what's up, man? You know what I mean? And I'm always like, haka ha.

Speaker 1 You know, I like you. You know, I get really tongue-tied with that dude.
Yeah. You know, that dude.
Oh, yeah. One Christmas, dude.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I told you. Have I told you about this? That's his movie, One Christmas.
Yeah, it's such a great movie. Is it really? No, man.
Oh, I don't know. One Christmas, dude.
I was on a date.

Speaker 1 I watched a movie with this girl. You know, have you been to this Third Street Promenade? Yes.
Right. So then, you know, I went to this date and I held, I tried to hold her hand

Speaker 1 in the thing, and she kind of scooted it away.

Speaker 1 I couldn't get no vibes from her. And afterwards, the Brookstone, well, not Brookstone, what's the

Speaker 1 bookstore? Barnes and Noble. Barnes and Noble.
All right, dude. All right.
There's a better way to say that. Her Borders Books, which Kamala Harris hasn't visited the whole time she's been in office.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Barnes and Noble, dude.
Yeah. Right.
So you know how they have the magazine section? Yeah. So me and her wandered in the middle.
It was just during Christmas.

Speaker 1 We wandered into the magazine section. Two Asians, a couple periodicals, yeah.
No, she was white. Oh, she's white? A couple of one Asian.
Yeah, a couple of what she wants. Yeah.
And a honky.

Speaker 1 Meeting over some freaking

Speaker 1 southern living. I like it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And Chris was there. What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I swear to God, dude. I had, you know, my relationship with that, with that dude is just pound, say a couple of words, and you're out.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 And he comes out of that and he looks at the girl. I swear to God, he goes, this guy right here, one of the funniest in the business.
Wow.

Speaker 1 He goes, Merry Christmas. He walks away.
I hooked up with that girl last night. That night.
Fuck yeah. That was a layup.
But he's one of them.

Speaker 1 You know who's another one? For some reason, Sarah Silverman. Very sweet.
She's so sweet. But there is a little bit like, I want to watch what I'm going to say.
I want to, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I'm a little self-aware of how I'm behaving. Yeah.
You know? But then there are people that I don't give a shit.

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 like santino i don't give a shit he's my friend i mean that's what it is real friend

Speaker 1 bad friend yeah dog that's what he is yeah um and he's a blm guy he said bobby lee matters he said yeah are you intimidated by joe rogan

Speaker 1 what uh i think maybe less and less over time He has such a good memory. It's almost like some like...
Dude, he is a computer chip. He is.
Yeah. People don't realize it, dude.
He knows everything.

Speaker 1 He just has a really good memory. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What was I going to ask you about? Oh, dude, where were

Speaker 1 I?

Speaker 1 No, you've just been looking more like kind of put together, I feel like, you know? I feel like you're like in your fisherman era, kind of, you know?

Speaker 1 You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't. Like

Speaker 1 boat bobby, kind of like live bait bobby, you know? Well, you know, I've gone through some things. Yeah.
And I've evolved. Well, that's okay.
Yeah, yeah. No, it's okay.

Speaker 1 That little yellow bad boy, that piss scallop. You know what I'm saying? That fucking hero.

Speaker 1 Piss scallop?

Speaker 1 Oh, this must be. Did you hear that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a, there's a. But you call me piss scallop.
Oh, I didn't say that, dude. Yeah, yeah.
That's something that they said on.

Speaker 1 That's something. Somebody.
Is this broken?

Speaker 1 I can't

Speaker 1 hear correctly. Yeah, maybe my ears just now.
Yeah, yeah, my

Speaker 1 ears, dude. You didn't say that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's change it to something.
Dude, where were you when Trump got shot?

Speaker 1 Let's talk about something else. What do you mean? Where were you when Trump got shot, man?

Speaker 1 Where was I?

Speaker 1 The president got shot. I know, I know.

Speaker 1 I don't really remember where I was. I was at home.
I was at home. And, you know, when I wake up in the mornings, I have a coffee and I bust up my iPad and I just start like, I just go to news.

Speaker 1 I just want to see what's going on. Yeah.
And that was, you know, and then I remember just watching it going,

Speaker 1 what a sad day for our country, man. Yeah.
You know, what was he like? Donald Trump? Were you nervous? He was, I mean, he's kind of. Were you nervous?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like more nervous than you've ever been in your life.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
I would be too. And then when he, I gotta know, when he walks in, right?

Speaker 1 I mean, are you, do you have things planned? Yeah, I had some ideas, but I think I was super nervous. I'd had a long week and it was like.

Speaker 1 You ever have like a date you're excited for, but you've had a craziest, longest week. And it finally Friday night comes or something, you're like,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 that's what it was yeah that's what it was and so it was like um

Speaker 1 you know and so I just and I knew I had a limited amount of time what was the time probably 52 minutes we had 52 minutes yeah that's a long time though yeah but I know it can go fast and he can get on some he gets on some tangent no way he goes in now yeah yeah so I didn't why I was like you have to kind of curtail them a little bit you know um and so I tried to do that With the clips I've seen, though, I think that you were pretty, you were good.

Speaker 1 Thanks, man. Yeah, yeah.
You know, yeah, you were good. I tried my best, you know.
I thought it was interesting. I thought he was nice.
I got to meet Ivanka and her husband. That was cool.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's cool. Yeah.
There's a lot of Asians for Trump out there. Do you know that?

Speaker 1 How do Asians feel about Trump?

Speaker 1 Let's say it, man.

Speaker 1 Can I say something to you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm not the president of Asians.

Speaker 1 I seem to think that you seem to think that I'm their leader. Like every month month there's a gathering, right? And I get all this information from people.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 And then I go out to the world, I'm their spokesperson or something. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
You're like Kim Jong-un. No, I'm not Kim Jong-un.
You're like a smaller version.

Speaker 1 You're like Scam Jong-un.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I think that Kim Jong-un and I come from the same

Speaker 1 body type. I would say that.
Right. Like if they made a factory of like Asians, I'm the same mold as Kim Jong-un and Benedict Wong.
Yeah. You know Benedict Wong?

Speaker 1 I don't think so. You ever see Doctor Strange? Nuh-uh.

Speaker 1 You have the very Emperor's body. That's Benedict Wong.
Oh, you guys. Yeah, that's the era you're in right now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that's like the same mold. He's a great guy, by the way.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, but it's like, you know, and

Speaker 1 he just went more action with his body. Good for him.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you have very like the emperor that inherits the castle type of, you know.

Speaker 1 Thank you. Thank you, dude.
That's the best. Yeah.
But I want to say that I don't know if they're, you know, I know Steven Chung. You you know him

Speaker 1 yeah he's i think look up stephen chung i think he's an attorney for trump is it

Speaker 1 stephen chung yeah republican yeah he's with the trump campaign yeah yeah so nice you know so if you want to ask about asians and trump ask stephen yeah that'd be cool to meet stephen chung or to get him to did you see that um that asian guy look to the asian guy at the trump rally you see him no tell me bring it up oh yeah this guy oh this guy okay what happens to this guy it's like gays and asians meeting or whatever.

Speaker 1 This Asian guy meets this woman. Let's see what happens.

Speaker 1 I'd like to smile.

Speaker 1 I'm serious right now.

Speaker 1 Guess how old I am? 22. 16.
You're 16. But if you want to kiss me, I will kiss you.

Speaker 1 Don't act scared.

Speaker 1 Come on. This is my first kiss.
Come on, bend over. I can't reach you.

Speaker 1 I am. I came to this show to find love.
I wanted to find me a good American woman. I'm not a woman.
Oh.

Speaker 1 I'm not a woman. Wait, what? He keeps thinking I'm a woman.
I'm a man. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Kissed that man

Speaker 1 for Trump, bro.

Speaker 1 He kissed a dude for Trump, bro.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 that's a gayjun right there, for sure, dude. Wow, bro.
That was fucking weird. It's almost as if it's like

Speaker 1 AI or something. Wow.
GAI.

Speaker 1 Brian. Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 yeah his name's brian brian yeah i don't know what went wrong with him but you know yeah play that last part again yeah

Speaker 1 i'm trying to find love i want to find me a good american woman i'm not a woman oh

Speaker 1 i'm not a woman wait what he keeps thinking i'm a woman i'm a man yeah yeah

Speaker 1 that's Elton Young. Yeah, yeah, dude.
Wow.

Speaker 1 Are there more Asians than Trump? Because do Asians support Trump or not? Okay,

Speaker 1 I think some do. Yeah, I'm sure some.
When it comes to the economy, probably. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 what is this one? This is a Trump country. We live in the Southeast.
We drink Swiss tea. We don't drink socialist Kool-Aid.
Wow. Wow.
So there are

Speaker 1 out there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what like... This is a sweet tree country.

Speaker 1 We don't street the kool-aid. What does he say? Oh, socialist with the Kool-Aid.

Speaker 1 Wow, dude. I wrote that speech for him.
Did you know that? At the meeting, I did.

Speaker 1 Yes. Wow.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's a speechwriter, dude. He said it perfectly the way I wrote it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The Kool-Aid, socialist, all that shit was in there, dude.
What a great one. What percent of Asians are supporting Trump, though, do you think? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you trying to let me ask you something? With this line of questioning, are you trying to get what I, what my political affiliation is? No.

Speaker 1 I ain't going to tell you, dog. Okay.
Yeah. And I have to say this.
I'm in the middle. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you?

Speaker 1 I am.

Speaker 1 It's a good question, man.

Speaker 1 Because obviously there are things that I like, you know, I like both sides.

Speaker 1 Like a woman's right to choose. I don't give a fuck.
I want them to have the right to it's not me. It has nothing to do with me.
Right. I just think,

Speaker 1 I mean, I'm kind of, I'm in the middle of one side, kind of. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 A little bit more. What do you mean? Huh? So you're in the middle of one side.
Yeah. Well, okay.
Well, I think I've always been. I mean, I love the fact that Trump brought over RFK Jr.

Speaker 1 I'm still pissed that the Democrats railroaded Bernie Sanders

Speaker 1 for innate, me too.

Speaker 1 It's like,

Speaker 1 is democracy even real in this country anymore? I don't know. Okay.
That's what I don't even know anymore. I don't even know if all of us are just being played.
That's what it starts to feel like.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I generally don't like talking about politics, but I'll say this.

Speaker 1 I'll say that one side,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 is more supportive of what I do for a living.

Speaker 1 What do you do?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 You mean mean comedy comedy comedy okay you mean so freedom of speech or whatever yeah okay

Speaker 1 I think one side is a little more sensitive than the other side and so

Speaker 1 you know I struggle with that fact yeah you know look man look I've voted for Obama and I've voted for Trump yeah I'm not a I am open to anything yeah I've never really voted Really?

Speaker 1 No, I voted for Obama one season. You did? One season I did.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 you see, here's what you did. I want to go back to the, remember the original question I had? Yeah.
Like from 15 minutes ago? And then you were like, oh, I want to go back to that. And we never did.

Speaker 1 Oh, about what? I forgot. Being bisexual or whatever.

Speaker 1 No. After that.

Speaker 1 I didn't even explain it to you. Something happened to me the other day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what was it?

Speaker 1 I was going to ask you, like, what would you do in that situation? Yeah, what was it?

Speaker 1 So I was at a gas station,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 And I'm pumping gas. And there's a guy like right in back of me pumping gas, you know?

Speaker 1 And he looks at it and he goes, he goes, yo, dude, can I get a photo? Right.

Speaker 1 And I, dude, that day, dude, I had went through it. I was beaten down.
I was tired. I was in a really bad mood.
And I go, yeah, okay.

Speaker 1 And he goes, ah, never mind then.

Speaker 1 Because I wasn't enthusiastic about the photo. Right.
You know, what does one do in that situation? I think you just got to respect it because I think it played out like it was supposed to.

Speaker 1 But then I go, I'll take a photo. He's like, nah, man.

Speaker 1 Now he, now you're the bad guy. Now I'm the bad guy.
Yeah. He's like, I don't want a photo with you because, you know what I mean? What he's basically trying to say is, because I wasn't like, yeah,

Speaker 1 let's take a photo. You and me? Yeah.
Forever. You're right.
He wanted that reaction. Yeah.

Speaker 1 When I gave him an organic, like, yeah, dude, I'm, you know, I didn't say this, but it's like, I'm fucking tired, but I'll do it. because I've never said no to anybody.

Speaker 1 Well, that's part of the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's sometimes you have to, like, because, yeah, I would be like that forever. And now I started to set my own boundaries.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I was like, hey, man, I'm having a bad day. I don't feel like it.
I'm at the gym. I'm just trying to work out or little things like that.
Because

Speaker 1 you also don't want to interrupt your train of thought sometimes, your imagination, or whatever. Because every time you like, you know, so sometimes that can be a bit overbearing.

Speaker 1 You killed it in sweet dreams. Oh, in the movie?

Speaker 1 Thanks. You killed it and out.

Speaker 1 Thanks, dude. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I wish they had more.

Speaker 1 I want to say. Sex in it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's sweet dreams, too. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Me and our characters. The sweetest dreams.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 But you, every, I'm telling you right now, if you wanted to, which is, I know you're not going to want to do it.

Speaker 1 I know you.

Speaker 1 What do you look at me like that? Huh? Why are you looking looking at me like that? That's how I look. Oh, you're like, oh, am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you wanted to, you could be an actor.

Speaker 1 I know you don't want to, though. You were just so natural up there.

Speaker 1 Oh, thanks, man. It was cool.
Like, I know you don't want to talk about it, but. No, I appreciate it, man.
Yeah, I think I would like to make something. I just want to make something of my own.

Speaker 1 You will. That's the only thing.
You don't want to be a part of something

Speaker 1 anybody else's. I understand that, but the test is, and you passed it, I think, is to do a project that like you have nothing to do with, show up and saying other people's words.

Speaker 1 And you know, you're doing it with real actors and people that are like been doing it for years and just holding your own and being natural and being good. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And, and so I just wanted to give you that, those props, you know, because

Speaker 1 you really did kill it. Thanks, man.
All right, you're welcome. You always do a nice job, man, of saying nice things about people.
Where'd you learn that? I wonder.

Speaker 1 Where'd you learn that?

Speaker 1 Like, you always do that, where you like, say something nice about people.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you why

Speaker 1 because I hate

Speaker 1 this. This business is, dude, back in the 90s, like I just put out this fucking-like, who was who? You got a fight with Sinbad or something? Yeah, yeah, no, no, no,

Speaker 1 no, but check this out, dude. Check, so check this out.

Speaker 1 So, this right here, I just posted this is a 1998, okay,

Speaker 1 original room lineup. Wow, Okay.

Speaker 1 I can't wait to see this actually. Yeah.
And

Speaker 1 I mean, look at it. 1998.

Speaker 1 And when I saw this lineup, I was like, it brought me back to that time.

Speaker 1 And in that time in comedy,

Speaker 1 look at who's in it. So they're still around.
Schubert's still around. Johnny Sanchez.
Argus is still around. Dice is still around.
Rogan. Brian Holtzman.
Wow. Right.

Speaker 1 And this is 26 years ago.

Speaker 1 wow right yeah the whole lineup this is july 4th july 2nd 1998 yeah yeah yeah jonathan got sick okay jonathan got sick one of the funniest guys i've ever met in my life he still does it no he quit wow

Speaker 1 dave pierre one of the funniest guys i mean i'm looking at it from 1998 bobby lee but i just remember watching those fools and going well they're funny you know maybe maybe i'm maybe i've evolved or whatever but they don't get they don't get here by not having that in them i don't think Jason Gallern, hilarious,

Speaker 1 Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Oh, yep. Sorry.
E.L. Gregory.
No, don't know who that is. Jimmy Schubert.
Love him. Hilarious.
Hilarious. Yeah, yeah.
Argus Hamilton. Around.

Speaker 1 Still. Alive.
Still. Alive campaign.
R.I.P., but still.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but still here. Still R.I.P.

Speaker 1 Frankie Pase, Pace. Frankie Pace.
Frankie Pace, Luke Torres, Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah.
Joe Rogan, Brian Holtzman. Yeah.
And Rick Wright. So back then, I just remember being a kid.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Because I'm in my early 20s. Yeah.
Oh, you're right. And you were the talk of the town.
People said when you came out. No, they hated me.
Huh? Are you out of your fucking mind?

Speaker 1 They fucking hated me back then. Really? Yeah.
It was, dude, I would have, dude, I would have like white dudes literally walk up to me and go, hey, man, Asians aren't funny. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was like. Because of the war or whatever?

Speaker 1 It's what? I said, because of the war or whatever? Which war? Nam? Korean? No, whatever the latest one was with you guys. I don't know.
Yeah. You guys keep it.
The latest one would be Vietnam.

Speaker 1 No, you guys keep starting shit, dude. I'm just saying.
And we also won that. Okay.
We won that one, dude. I agree, bro.

Speaker 1 Dude, why does everything have to be a war with you, dude? Bro, I'm happy to.

Speaker 1 I'm happy to go over the airport for you guys. Next time, I'll fight for you guys, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We did, dude, the Vietnam War, you did fight with the South, I think, against the North. I want to fight for you guys.
Yeah, I know. You did the Southern part of whatever.
I'm not even Vietnamese.

Speaker 1 In the South one? I'm not Vietnamese. All right.
But in Korea, you guys fought with the South. All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Oh, God, dude.
It's kind of fucking. I know, dude.
It's just every time I'm with you, dude, I sweat.

Speaker 1 Well, you got to give a pamphlet or something whenever you see people. I know.
But so anyway, let's go back to this lineup. Back then,

Speaker 1 it was fucking, they were, people were so mean back then. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And what would they do? They would write stuff on your car or whatever? No.

Speaker 1 I mean, what do you mean? Like they would, you know, or graffiti or whatever? No, no, no. They wouldn't do stuff like that, but it would be more like, you know,

Speaker 1 one time I was, I had a, uh, a list of jokes I was going to try

Speaker 1 and a comic picked out out of my hand.

Speaker 1 And he goes.

Speaker 1 Seen it, seen it, done it, done it, seen it, seen it, done it, and just handed it back to me. You know what I mean? Just like

Speaker 1 flat out fucking rude for no fucking reason.

Speaker 1 Because it's like, but now because it's because of the internet or whatever, it's just like there's, you can't, you're not, you can't afford to act like that. Right.
Right.

Speaker 1 Because it's like everyone has a shot. Right.
And it's like, and I remember back then going, you know, if I'm ever in a position where I can be nice, I'm just going to be. You do it all the time.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And I feel like I think I am.
You do it well, man.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, doing nice well? You're nice too. What the fuck are you talking about? You do it.
Are you good at intros?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Like when you bring people up on stage? Oh,

Speaker 1 you're pretty good at it. Are you good at it? I like going up after you.
I know, but are you good at it? I think I am. All right, so if I'm about to go up, give me an intro.

Speaker 1 I'll be like, ladies and gentlemen, this next guy,

Speaker 1 I'll drop him off at a VFW and see how they treat him over there. He is a true hero.
You know him from bad friends.

Speaker 1 It's good. You know him from

Speaker 1 different

Speaker 1 places on the internet. You guys.
It's enough. It's enough.
It's not good.

Speaker 1 You guys give it up.

Speaker 1 It's enough. Sorry.
Can I teach you how to do it? You guys give it up for Ken Jones.

Speaker 1 Can I teach you how to do it? Yes. All right.

Speaker 1 I think I know. Because you're a master at it.
I agree. All right.
So

Speaker 1 my theory is this. It's like, if you do like this next guy, clubs and colleges, and just something that's not specific, right? It's just the audience can tell.
There's no

Speaker 1 relationship between the two people, right?

Speaker 1 So you put in personalized things.

Speaker 1 I remember when I first met this guy, him and I had coffee.

Speaker 1 You personalize it, right? And then you give him specific credits. Instead of clubs and colleges, you go, dude, I saw him in an episode.

Speaker 1 Like, like for me, if I brought you up, I'd be like, like, dude, I did a movie with this guy called Sweet Dreams. This guy killed it in everything, you know, and he's killing it on stage.

Speaker 1 You know, just be you personalize it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. To let people know that you wouldn't think you have a real relationship.

Speaker 1 Vietnam, DVAW, whatever the fuck you really.

Speaker 1 Whatever you were saying. I wouldn't do that.
But, you know. Well, yeah, okay.
I'm just saying. If I took you to a VFW and dropped you off in a VWW.
What is a VFW? Veterans of Foreign War.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 What do you think? Huh? If I dropped off, off, you've dropped me off at a VFW, if we dressed you up in like a Civil War uniform,

Speaker 1 dropped you off, right?

Speaker 1 Right. I have a musket, right?

Speaker 1 You're like, we're gonna kill these guys,

Speaker 1 yeah. And then I have one of those, you know what I mean, mustaches that curl and one of those round bugles.

Speaker 1 Yeah, what do you think that would happen?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think they'd be like, They'd call the FBI.

Speaker 1 I don't think that'd be good. A lot of white guys.

Speaker 1 And I walked in. Wow.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Yarge.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Speaker 1 If you've ever considered therapy for yourself, or if you think a loved one is struggling and could use someone to talk to, BetterHelp is a great option. I've used them.
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Speaker 1 betterhelp.com slash Theo to get 10% off your first month. Dude, did you see that pull-up? That

Speaker 1 there was one lady that covered the Trump thing. I think this was an Asian lady.
Do you see the thing?

Speaker 1 Covered the time that we interviewed Trump. This is kind of self-aggrandizing or whatever.
Oh, here we go.

Speaker 2 But that's not even all.

Speaker 2 Trump has wooed this hyper-masculine online culture deeply.

Speaker 2 During a recent podcast with the comedian Theo Won, instead of talking about economy or immigration or healthcare or the global conflicts, they discussed cocaine addiction.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 did you? Did you really? Yeah. Would you ask him? Cocaine.
Have you ever asked him if he did Coke? He doesn't do Coke, right? He's never done drugs.

Speaker 1 He doesn't drink. Don't drink, doesn't smoke.
Don't drink, don't smoke. Yeah.
Cocaine addiction.

Speaker 1 What did you ask him, though?

Speaker 1 What's up with cocaine and addiction? I just, we talked about addiction. His brother died from addiction.
Oh, wow. So we talked from alcoholism.
I'm sorry. So we talked about that.

Speaker 1 And then we talked about why he never drank or smoked. He kind of let on that he thought there could be some tendencies that he could have the same thing his brother had.

Speaker 1 So I think he didn't want, you know, he had fear about that. I can't, you know, I don't, do you understand that or no?

Speaker 1 What your brother having something you have, you mean? No. No, no, no.
Because I've met like, I remember like Dane Cook was like that. Like, I don't drink or do drugs.

Speaker 1 Carlos Mincia for a while was like that too, where it was like, yeah, I don't touch that stuff. Like, to me, it's like, I

Speaker 1 love it. Yeah.
You love it? Yeah, because I just, I think I don't, I, over time, I don't, my, my natural state, I think, wasn't my favorite throughout my life, probably how I felt.

Speaker 1 So if I could change that in some way, then I want to do that. So those are the things you change it with, either,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 stuff like that, I think. I just don't like feelings.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Wow, that's interesting.
I don't.

Speaker 1 It's like I, and I'm sober now, and I've, and I've been able to like kind of, what my therapist says is to like kind of just

Speaker 1 identify what you're feeling, right?

Speaker 1 And feel it, you know, and I, um,

Speaker 1 but I never liked them.

Speaker 1 I never liked depression or sadness or trauma or anything.

Speaker 1 I just, I just, it doesn't sit well in my body, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 So it's like, I always like consume things with it, but it's, you know, but that's more destructive, you know, and so that's why I'm sober. And I, I'm, I feel pretty free now.

Speaker 1 And I think I can handle most emotions. Well, you take on a lot more social.
You've been a lot more social, I think, in the past two years, it seems like. So, what do you mean?

Speaker 1 Just like trying to stay busy, do more things, right? Like actually put yourself out into situations and stuff.

Speaker 1 Dude, I think I never, like you said, I didn't like having feelings. I like,

Speaker 1 no matter how I felt, I felt ashamed of how I felt. That was weird, you know.
Yeah, like a lot of times I wouldn't feel good, and this I'm trying to, I'm not getting a self-pity.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, I'm not saying this. I feel fine today, but sometimes I wouldn't feel good, and then I would feel ashamed for not feeling good.

Speaker 1 That's the part that I didn't understand sometimes because that made it so hard to like

Speaker 1 figure out the first part, you know. Does it make any sense or no? Yeah, it makes like a lot of sense, and it just

Speaker 1 struck me that

Speaker 1 I don't want to get too

Speaker 1 sentimental with you, but there are times where I really believe this, that I feel concerned about you.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just, because I, you know, I,

Speaker 1 because I don't know really what's going on. You know, I feel like, you know.

Speaker 1 There was a time where

Speaker 1 we talked more and there was more communication. But let's, let's face it,

Speaker 1 you've risen a little bit. I know you hate to, it's hard to hear.
It's hard to hear. It's hard to hear that you've risen, but you have.
Well, things have gotten things worse than you have.

Speaker 1 Things are so good for you, right? And I think with that rise, right, there's like more of a disconnect with your friends because you're so busy and you're doing other things. I get it.

Speaker 1 But it's like, I'm always concerned about like, you know.

Speaker 1 you know, if you're sober, if like, is he going to meetings? You know, is he,

Speaker 1 you know, I mean,

Speaker 1 talking to people about things that are going on, you know, I,

Speaker 1 you know, I always feel like things are probably good with you, but it's like, I have to admit that there is, you know,

Speaker 1 concern. I don't know why.
I mean, because I love you. No, appreciate you.
No, do I? I mean, I love you. Love you too.
You know that, right? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think, yeah, it's kind of been, I know this is a comedy podcast, but it's like, you know, I just care. And I just have to say that because it's like,

Speaker 1 because I've seen it. I've seen people rise and then,

Speaker 1 you know, they get lost. And then also there's people around them that don't necessarily care and they're just in it for the right.
I don't know who you're surrounding yourself with or whatever.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? So, you know what I mean? You're probably healthy and doing well. I don't know.
But it's like, there is a concern that, like, you know, maybe,

Speaker 1 you know what I mean? It's alone at the, when you get higher up. There's more loneliness.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, how are you doing? I mean, I think podcasting makes me feel pretty connected to people.

Speaker 1 You know, I think me not living here has been,

Speaker 1 it's been good, but it's also been, I don't get to see a lot of people as much. I don't get to see a lot of my guys from AA.

Speaker 1 I think, yeah, my sober program hasn't been that good the past month for sure.

Speaker 1 And so I think really two months, like, or

Speaker 1 probably the past month, but just, yeah, not being able to like,

Speaker 1 you know, it's like I'll work late. And so then I don't want to make the morning Zoom meeting or make the, you know, and then I'll get up late.

Speaker 1 And then it's like, I try to go to the gym, then I'll miss the noon in-person meeting.

Speaker 1 So just, yeah, I got to touch base with some people and um dude i was in butte get honest and get tight yeah i was in butte for a month montana for a month for doing what i did a movie and they were like butte there's nothing to do

Speaker 1 and one day i was in my hotel room there was nothing to do and i called one of the guys that lives there and i go can you give me an a schedule and i trekk a couple of times all the way to this like in the boonies.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. And I walk into the school and like there's old white people with oxygen tanks and like, you know what I mean? And obviously, they drug mules, yeah, drugs, yeah.

Speaker 1 And also, they've never seen an Asian walk into an A meeting there. Yeah, I never saw one black person in Butte, yeah.
So, when I walked in, it was just like, Charlie, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You know, they get Vietnam flashbacks, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Get down, get down, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? I don't know, I'm in A too, you know what I mean? And when I'm sitting there, right,

Speaker 1 even though, like, um,

Speaker 1 you know, we don't have the same lifestyles that these people, right? You know, at least I can say to myself, like, you know, I'm trying,

Speaker 1 you know, I'm trying to like take care of myself on a daily basis.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 dude, one fucking, I went to a meeting and,

Speaker 1 you know, because there's only two Uber drivers in Butte. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 this guy came, this guy's just sitting next to me. He goes, hey, man.

Speaker 1 My name is Derek. And I go, thank you.
He goes, I'm a fan. I go, he goes, you want to ride home? A fan, you mean? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Like a Asian?

Speaker 1 No, not like a dad fan. Oh, okay.
It was a dad fan.

Speaker 1 It was a dad fan. No, no, I was like, no, it was just like a fan of, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Of mine. Yeah.
In my comedy. Yeah.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 And then he, and then so I get in the car with his wife.

Speaker 1 And we go the opposite direction

Speaker 1 of the hotel.

Speaker 1 They want to watch you fucking throw that little Liavoline, man. Long strokes? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And so then I go, hey, my hotel's that way. Like, we know, man.

Speaker 1 Where are we going? You're going to our house. Wow.
Right? So I'm going to this house. And they want me to meet their kids.
Nuh-uh. Yeah.
How old were the kids?

Speaker 1 I don't know, but they were little white kids. Oh, too young.
So they came up.

Speaker 1 There's these two dogs that fucking jump on top of me. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then there's these white kids that come out of the room, right?

Speaker 1 Wiping their, you know what I mean? Yeah. They're not crying.
They're, you know, they're just how they, when they wake, wake up. Yeah, yeah.
Like that. And they're like, yeah,

Speaker 1 our mommy took us to missoula and gave us 300 to for for school clothes

Speaker 1 i gotta beat their ass

Speaker 1 like you

Speaker 1 got 300 dude to split amongst them my mom gave me thirty dollars from the time i was age five to the time i was age 18.

Speaker 1 oh you're right you're right you're right yeah so 300 this kid i was in the house for like 45 minutes Yeah, it sounds like you're why would you, it sounds like you're wasting your time.

Speaker 1 No, but I don't. I don't know.

Speaker 1 What I'm saying is, i'm willing to go to like these lengths i see to like just whatever you know what i mean yeah and they're super they're super sweet yeah i didn't think i was gonna get like imagine if i was in a well

Speaker 1 in the basement yeah right and you're like what would you have throw down you get two things thrown into the well oh shit um

Speaker 1 oh shit yeah oh so i would lube

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, that's not good. I mean, if you're going to also use it as a beverage, I think it's fine.

Speaker 1 You're right, you're right. Two things now.
Water. Yeah, that's good.
Right. And then food.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. Like

Speaker 1 Jersey mics. Or seeds.
Plant your own food. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, but you know how it depends on how long it takes to grow.

Speaker 1 Or you could also eat the fingernails that are in the fucking. Oh, right.

Speaker 1 That's protein, right?

Speaker 1 Is that protein? Yeah. I would just

Speaker 1 the fingernails, right, and eat them. You know what I mean? A little bit of wall caviar.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I would be so frightened.
Would you be frightened? Oh, I would be so scared, dude. And I would probably, what would I do down there? Sing a lot.

Speaker 1 And you'd have to hold your pee-pee or your there's an echo. So, what song would you hear? Sing?

Speaker 1 I would, I would sing, um, you know, I know what, oh, Little Town of Bethlehem. That's a good one for me.

Speaker 1 Edo Weiss. Edo Weiss.
Imagine I'm in a well, and I just go,

Speaker 1 right? You get a shrimp, and they

Speaker 1 They catch it like a fucking walrus. Okay.
There's drugs, dude. Is there a lot of drugs right now? I've been hearing there's a lot of drugs in the

Speaker 1 Asian community, a lot of trank or whatever.

Speaker 1 I've been hearing there's like a lot of,

Speaker 1 I've been hearing that trank is the big thing in the Asian community. Is that true? Like chanks for trank or whatever?

Speaker 1 It's like, just hear me out. All right.
It's like if I said to you, man, I heard there's a lot of shoelaces in the white community. Yeah.
Does that make any sense to you?

Speaker 1 Like, why would, like, honestly, okay, man, I heard there's a lot of fucking

Speaker 1 glitter in the black community. I mean, it doesn't make whatever you're saying, does it? I feel like you're just coming up with Asian shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
You're just like, you're just like, I heard there's a lot of, you know what I mean? Google. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't go. Don't Google.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, no, what I'm saying is that, do you, wait, no, I'm, I'm so, you make me so mad sometimes, dude. Really? Yeah.
No, I'm fine. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Google Asians for drugs. Asians and drugs.
Asians for trank.

Speaker 1 DEA reports widespread.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, it's purple? So you've looked it up before?

Speaker 1 I haven't.

Speaker 1 Why would you look that up already? These guys,

Speaker 1 some of these guys live here all night.

Speaker 1 DEA reports a widespread threat of fentanyl. mixed with xylosine.
That's trank, daddy. Yeah.
Where does it say Asians on that? Well, let's see. It's going to get there.

Speaker 1 Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced. Fentanyl, even deadlier, said Administrator Milgram of the DEA.

Speaker 1 The DEA has sees xylosine and fentanyl mixed in 48 of 50 states. The system is reporting that in 2022, approximately 23% of fentanyl powder and 7% of fentanyl pills seized by the DEA contain xylosine.

Speaker 1 Okay, I know where the agent comes from. Can I tell you where? Yeah.
This is what you read. Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced.

Speaker 1 Fentanyl, even deadlier, said Administration Milgram. And it says says right here,

Speaker 1 no, no, up there. Sadly, also known as Trank.
Yeah. You think that's an Asian word? Trank.

Speaker 1 It's not. But Trank is obviously an Asian name.
Yeah, I know, but you can't.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 1 I know what you're talking about. But I'm just saying, that's not what it's referring to.
I think it's referring to Tranquilizer. Oh, I see what you're saying.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 So what I'm saying is it's like

Speaker 1 tranquilizer. Yeah.
Yeah, I thought it was like

Speaker 1 trank seems like a

Speaker 1 like a Vietnamese or Korean nickname. You agree? Trank.
Trunk?

Speaker 1 I just

Speaker 1 like Matt, like Matthew Trunk. I know.
Matthew Trunk. Yeah, I know.
Graduate.

Speaker 1 I know. Graduate sociology major.
Yeah, so dude, I want to let you know, dude. But that is Trank.
That's fit. I understand, but that has nothing to do with Asians.
Okay. Okay.
Let's move on.

Speaker 1 Google, go to images then. See if we get any.

Speaker 1 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right, maybe.

Speaker 1 Right there.

Speaker 1 You tell me that face

Speaker 1 is an ASEAN.

Speaker 1 I think you're right.

Speaker 1 Asians for Trank?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I think you're right. Well, you know, I learned something new.
Thank you. I'm sorry for attacking you.
Yeah. It's okay, man.
It breaks my heart, though.

Speaker 1 It's just sad. Is this someone on Trank right here? Look at her sneakers.
She has a brand new druggie. Oh, this is somebody on Trank.
I'm not going to be able to do it on fentanyl.

Speaker 1 Dude, can you pause that for a second?

Speaker 1 Dude, sometimes, sometimes people with their own fentanyl, it's almost as if they're doing yoga, but then they freeze. Like, I want to do Downward Dog.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's sad. It's so sad.
I shouldn't have even made a joke like that. Well, it's sad that this is like.
Have you ever done fentanyl? No, I hope not. Yeah, me either.

Speaker 1 Because I remember years ago, Viking really fucked me up. Really? I was addicted to Viking.
Would you take it at night or during the day? All day long.

Speaker 1 Like from like, dude, I got, dude, Drew Barrymore,

Speaker 1 I swear to God, I think still hates me because of that. Wow.
I'll tell you why. For doing Vicodin? No, because I used to have a bowl of Vicodin in my fucking dressing room at Matt TV.

Speaker 1 And the strokes played one night. Oh, wow.
Right? Yeah. And I guess the drummer was dating Drew Barrymore.
Right. And he was trying to get sober or something like that.

Speaker 1 But they all ended up going into my room and eating all my pills. Yeah.
You know, because I'm generous. Yeah.
Fuck it. Go get it.
Right. And then I heard that she was mad at me.

Speaker 1 Because you had that. It's not your fault.
That's true. It's not your fault that you had them.
I know. That's true.

Speaker 1 We can't, you know, it's weird to blame the dealer unless the dealer is like pushing them on you. Were you pushing them on them? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was. Dude, I'm sorry if I'm being rude.
I feel now. Am I being like, dude? What are you talking about, dude? All right.

Speaker 1 There's listen,

Speaker 1 guy.

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 what

Speaker 1 oh no okay listen guy yeah

Speaker 1 what what are you doing

Speaker 1 i'm listening oh that's you yeah i'm listening

Speaker 1 you if i'm really mad well you know because you didn't give me your number for a long time yeah but you know that when i have a resentment i didn't know it also yeah you did fuck off all right yeah Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 1 You're right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 If I was mad at you,

Speaker 1 I'm very comfortable of going, listen, I have an issue. Have you ever had an issue with me, be honest?

Speaker 1 Have you ever had a resentment toward me? Like, I wish he didn't do that.

Speaker 1 No, sometimes I feel like it's a little tough to try and get to know you, kind of, but I think it's tough to try and get to know

Speaker 1 comedians.

Speaker 1 You know? Yeah, but that being said, I mean, I'm a comedian, right? It's hard to know any comedian.

Speaker 1 And I think you're people, everybody loves you so much that it's like you want that guy to know, you want to know that guy better, I think, you know?

Speaker 1 Dude,

Speaker 1 out of all the comics I know, I feel like I'm closest. You're one of the closest ones to me.
And if that, I mean, I'm trying my best. You know what I mean? I like you.
I like Bert. I like Whitney.

Speaker 1 I love Andrew. You know what I mean? Tom, Sagura.
You know what I mean? But it's like, you know, I try, dude. And you're busy.
Yeah, I'm pretty busy. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But it's like you know we do the best we can with what we have yeah and what's going on you know um you are um you are um dong dong dong you are

Speaker 1 you are you are um

Speaker 1 baby

Speaker 1 are you a gun owner or not

Speaker 1 you a gun owner nah nah nah nah you don't have a gun owner

Speaker 1 yeah ever used chinese no i never use it. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, what the well? Well, well. Well.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I lie.
No.

Speaker 1 That's not a real gun, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a real gun.
Or is that one of those guns that starts a race?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that is. Ready, set go.

Speaker 1 The burglars just run off. Yeah, yeah.
When you fire it, yeah. That's the other plastic BB kind of a gun.
What's the other one? Still a gun.

Speaker 1 And that looks like a gun. Yeah, yeah, but that was on a TV show.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So, um, wow. Look at that acting.
That's Miami Vice scene. That's terrible.

Speaker 1 No, Magnum. It was Magnum.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm what? Have you been dating a lot or not?

Speaker 1 All right, let's you want to get into it? Yeah, because it seems like a lot of stories you tell have had dating in them.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to find

Speaker 1 the love of my life. Are you really?

Speaker 1 I think I'm ready.

Speaker 1 Okay, Bob.

Speaker 1 You look like Stevie right now.

Speaker 1 How are you doing? No,

Speaker 1 listen, I'm.

Speaker 1 I like some of the girls that I'm dating now,

Speaker 1 but they're kind of flaky.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, like,

Speaker 1 I won't call in on a Thursday because I know, because I've said, like, let's go to dinner and hang out, right?

Speaker 1 And so then Thursday will come around like, nah, I don't want to do it now or I'm busy. Like, bitch, I sacrificed stage time.

Speaker 1 You know how value? You know how valuable stage time is? Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, so it's like that kind of shit.
And then it's like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I just, and also there.

Speaker 1 Do I fully trust them?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? I think so, man. No, I want to be able to find somebody that I fully can confide in and go, this is how I feel.
You know what I mean? And

Speaker 1 I want somebody to also give me suggestions or like feedback that I kind of honor and respect and go, oh yeah, that's a good

Speaker 1 angle. You know what I mean? It's just like, but then also I want somebody hot, right? So to find that combination, you know what I mean? We want somebody you're attracted to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, somebody I'm attracted to. Like what I find attractive isn't necessarily what you think.
I think so, though. I think you and I like the same maybe.
I don't know. You know? No, I never.

Speaker 1 The couple of girls I've seen you with over the years are people, I mean,

Speaker 1 are people that I would be like, I mean,

Speaker 1 there's this one girl that you used to see that I just thought you should marry, but yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember.

Speaker 1 Dude, I just saw regret there. I just saw regret there, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I mean, but that's the thing. I think that you and I have the same kind of issues.
I think we have intimacy issues. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. And I think that

Speaker 1 it's hard for us to get really vulnerable. I mean, I had that with Kalila for 10 years, but she was the first one in many, many years that I could do that with.

Speaker 1 There's just something about her that was, I was able to, like, we were able to do that, right? But it's like, um, but did the intimacy freeze up after a while? Like, it was hard to, like, be like

Speaker 1 sensual or whatever?

Speaker 1 I, I, I, you know, the truth is, is I think that,

Speaker 1 oh, God, I can't fucking,

Speaker 1 I think it's this. You want me to say f ⁇ it or not?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. Okay.
What I want to say that. Don't say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I want to say is

Speaker 1 the problem with us, because number one,

Speaker 1 we, we, we go up on stage, right? And what's more exciting than that? The business inherently is super exciting, and there's dopamine hits. Right.
I'm going to get a lot of feeling from right there.

Speaker 1 Right. And so then also, you and I are also

Speaker 1 recovering drug addicts. So we like

Speaker 1 excitement, right? And we don't like the same old thing. Right.
So there is something about meeting somebody new, right? Right. It's almost like you get that.
Yeah, you get that forgetful syndrome.

Speaker 1 It's like you right. Yeah.
But at the end of the day, and I'm going to say, I've never said this out loud before.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I think I fucked it up with Kalila. And I think that I wish I would have done it over again because I would have changed some things.
Right. At this point, it's too late.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 We've both have moved on. But there's a lot of regret there.

Speaker 1 And I swear swear to God, dude.

Speaker 1 I will, the next girl I meet that, you know, and there's a couple of girls that have potential, I'll be honest with you, right now.

Speaker 1 But the next thing I'm going to do it differently. Number one,

Speaker 1 I'm going to get rid of all my machines. Wow, really?

Speaker 1 Yep.

Speaker 1 I have a vacuum cleaner.

Speaker 1 And what is that, like a sex thing or something? Oh, you mean an actual carpet cleaner? No.

Speaker 1 I, dude, I showed up at Bad Friends one day, and somebody had sent me something that I swear to God is the size of a vacuum cleaner, right? It was like this big with all these tubes and stuff.

Speaker 1 It was a sex toy. No.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Of course, I took it home. And you used it? I plugged it in.
Oh, dude. I have so many of them.

Speaker 1 Oh. I have so many of them.
And I stick it in.

Speaker 1 And what does it play? It just Beethoven's here or whatever? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. It's a

Speaker 1 right? And you...

Speaker 1 Hey, put it on Christmas. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, these new machines, dude, it sucks you in, dude. Oh,

Speaker 1 they never let go, dude. I'm 80 days off pornography right now.
Wow. I'm going to give you a machine, man.
No. Please.
I don't want anything. I know, but I'm going to.
I know, but you got to try it.

Speaker 1 What does it do? It does three things.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. Not just one thing, dude.
Okay. All right.
Is it gas power you plug in? No, it's not good. No,

Speaker 1 the vacuum cleaner I will probably not use again because I almost had to grab parts of my penis inside the fucking little filter there, right? But it took stuff out. So it was too powerful.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But I want to say this, okay?

Speaker 1 I have one that I bought at the hustler store. Yeah.
right,

Speaker 1 and it does three things-really, just two things: so it vibrates

Speaker 1 and sucks,

Speaker 1 wow, right,

Speaker 1 and so you know what I mean, does it sort coins? I think it might, hell yeah, yeah, I think it might, yeah, yeah. How long do you have to stay on it for eight seconds?

Speaker 1 No, what I do is I um, it's also waterproof, that's a key,

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 but so so yeah, I know. So, the next relationship I'm in,

Speaker 1 that's what you do? It makes me just no, daddy, no,

Speaker 1 don't touch me there, daddy.

Speaker 1 Who's daddy? Yeah,

Speaker 1 it hurts, but it feels good too, daddy. Daddy sounds like a man, dude.
What daddy sounds like a man, yeah, dude, yeah. It better be it, better be a chick named Daddy, yeah.
Don't do it.

Speaker 1 Do you miss your dad?

Speaker 1 Huh? Yeah, I miss my dad, dude.

Speaker 1 When did he die? What year did he die?

Speaker 1 Bring up a picture of my dad.

Speaker 1 He died in 1996.

Speaker 1 Do you miss him, though? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I didn't, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Because I didn't like... Yeah, I missed him.
I just wish that I knew him better, you know? Do you miss your dad? Yeah,

Speaker 1 dude, you just hit it on the fucking nail on the coffin.

Speaker 1 Was that the wrong way to say it?

Speaker 1 Here's the thing. I don't know nothing about them.
Really? Yeah, because my dad didn't speak English, right? And I barely spoke Korean. So everything was like, for instance,

Speaker 1 you know, like when you, you know, when you're in high school, for instance, and you're going, let's say I was a white kid, I was going out, and your dad gives you like a little pep talk, like, you know, don't drink and drive, right?

Speaker 1 Also, you know, if you're in trouble, give me a call, whatever, you know, whatever they say, you know what I mean? But my dad didn't do that. He would just go, I go, good bye, dad.
He goes, don't do.

Speaker 1 And I'd go, I won't do.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's it. That's the, that's it.
Yeah. If I asked my dad, um, tell me about how you feel.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 You're good,

Speaker 1 but they don't like.

Speaker 1 And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. Yeah, what's your favorite pasta? Oh, I like, you know, it's very good.
You know, like he does, there's, dude. So everyone, bro, bro.

Speaker 1 He never,

Speaker 1 bro,

Speaker 1 He didn't know what music was.

Speaker 1 He didn't know what music was. Yeah, dude.
Right? So when he had a stroke, right? Oh, gosh. I didn't know that.

Speaker 1 I knew your dad passed away. I don't know if he had a stroke.
Yeah, he had many strokes. So he had two major strokes and a couple of mediums.
You ever seen that show? Yeah, I love it, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he had two, you know, Willis's. What you talking about, Willis? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Anyway, great show. Oh, yeah.
And one missed a drumming.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 So what was I? Oh, what I was saying. Oh, so he had a bunch of strokes and I had like

Speaker 1 AirPods. And I was at his house in Phoenix.

Speaker 1 And I go,

Speaker 1 Dad, he's like, oh, you know, he goes, yeah. I go, will you listen to music for the first time? I mean, he'd obviously have been to a mall and he's heard it, right?

Speaker 1 But he doesn't know, he doesn't have a fanfare band or he doesn't know what Beethoven is or whatever.

Speaker 1 And so I put in Eric Clapton's, what's it? Um, Tears in His Tears in Heaven. Oh, I put it in.
My brother, my Steve was there too, my brother. And we pushed play

Speaker 1 and tears

Speaker 1 came down my dad's face. No way.
Right. It was the first time he goes, That beautiful.

Speaker 1 Wow. It was incredible.
And then he died. Damn.
Yeah. So he didn't know.
I didn't, I didn't learn anything from the dude. And it's but were you ashamed of him?

Speaker 1 It feels like you were embarrassed by him for some reason.

Speaker 1 I hated him.

Speaker 1 And you know, I've told this story before, but not on this, I don't think.

Speaker 1 Um,

Speaker 1 when I was, I've told this a couple of times. Do you mind if I tell this story? Yeah, no, I haven't heard it.
Yeah, I don't know it. You know, you know, who do I live with?

Speaker 1 Your friends?

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 I have cats. Oh, yeah.
I have three cats. Yeah, I think you have a couple of cats.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so when I was a kid, I loved them. Something about them.
The cats. Just cats in general.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 when I was eight, I go,

Speaker 1 um,

Speaker 1 can I get a cat?

Speaker 1 And they got me a cat, a kitten, and named him Tommy. And they wouldn't put him in the house.
We put him in the garage. We had like a little fence thing in the garage.
That's fair.

Speaker 1 Yeah, good compromise. And then over the summer, every day, I just sat with Tommy eight hours a day, however long.
He was the love of my life.

Speaker 1 And then one day, a couple of months later, three months later, I go to the garage. He's completely gone.
So I, you know, I go, mom, dad. And they came in the garage.
I go, where's Tom?

Speaker 1 And my dad goes,

Speaker 1 mommy, she'll logic.

Speaker 1 And I go, uh-huh. He's like, Tom gone.

Speaker 1 And he goes, stop crying.

Speaker 1 And then he just left the garage. There was like no room for compromise or anything.
Like whatever he's, that's why I hit

Speaker 1 authority figures, right? There was no room for discussion. I didn't know where Tom went.
Stop crying, shut the fuck up. And that's it.
Damn.

Speaker 1 And that was the day where I looked at my parents and I went, okay, it's war.

Speaker 1 It's war. I started doing drugs.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Raising hell.
Yeah, raising hell, lighting things on fire. I didn't go fucking.
Embarrass the family. Yeah.
And it's like,

Speaker 1 that's why

Speaker 1 if I had a kid, I mean, how would you approach that? I was a kid.

Speaker 1 Your wife is allergic to the fucking, you know what I mean, cat, and I'm your kid. Be real.

Speaker 1 Don't do comedy. Don't do comedy right now.
Okay. I would probably get a shot.

Speaker 1 I'm your dad. I'm your son.
Okay. Hey, Dan.

Speaker 1 Bubby. No, no.
You don't have to.

Speaker 1 Do it. Sorry, just do it like me.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Wait, you don't have to have an Asian accent.
I don't know what

Speaker 1 I don't know what country.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. You're you.
Okay. Got it.
I didn't know what you were in. I'm from nowhere you could have an Asian accent.
I don't know what country we were in. No, you're in America.

Speaker 1 Who gives a fuck? Well, give me a setting then. All right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well,

Speaker 1 I have to be that specific. Yeah, you're just okay.
We live in Nashville. Okay.
Your wife is white. You're my son.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm not Asian. All right.
Make believe that I'm your biological son. Okay.
Right? Yeah. Hey, daddy.
Hey, Chucky. What's up?

Speaker 1 How was school, buddy? Chucky's good. Chucky's good.
Yeah, daddy. How was school, huh?

Speaker 1 School was great, daddy. I hear they're holding you back again.
They're holding me back, you know, like fire, like sun, daddy. Yes, sir.
Yeah. Hey, dude.
Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Gang him up. Gang him up, boy.
I love it, Chuck. I want to tell you.

Speaker 1 I know we had a cat here yesterday. Yeah, yeah.
So where's Tommy? Your mother's allergic to cats. Oh, so where's Tommy? Mom gets sick.

Speaker 1 I understand. If we have cat, mom gets sick.
I know, but where's Tommy now? Tommy is going to be at your aunt's house and you can go play with him in the afternoon that's dude

Speaker 1 that's it

Speaker 1 that's what you're supposed to do now your aunt drinks a lot of wine

Speaker 1 and she gets a little handsy with the kids you know she gets what they call franzia a hands yeah daddy i don't need you to know the specifics of like how what my auntie's behavior is going to be like is he is he she gonna hurt when she gets drunk is she gonna hurt tommy no she just might love him as much as you did because i know that my cousins have all black eyes because you know your Your cousins are black.

Speaker 1 That's why. Oh, they were adopted, Daddy.
I forgot, Daddy. So you just got to roll with me here.
Yeah, yeah. I love black people, daddy.
You taught me that. Amen, brother.
I'm going to go inside now.

Speaker 1 Gang up.

Speaker 1 Can I come inside today? You relax out here. No, daddy, can I come inside today? You relax.
I know. Why do I have to sleep outside, Daddy? You don't.
Just wait till the sun comes down. You come in.

Speaker 1 You sneak in again. Yeah, yeah.
All right, daddy. But I wish I could just have my own room and stuff.
No, we're going to put some treats right up by the door for you, all right?

Speaker 1 We're going to put a craft sun. I love you, Daddy.
I love you too, baby. Dang them, dad.
Gang. Gang, gang.
Pretty good. Yeah.
Pretty good, dude. Good dad, dude.
Pretty good. Pretty good, dad.

Speaker 1 How long have we gone? We'll finish up in a second. Halloween's coming up.

Speaker 1 Well, let me know. Can we cut this part out? Yeah.
How's it going? This podcast? Yeah. I have no idea.
It's very funny. We're laughing.
No, honestly, how is it going?

Speaker 1 I feel like I've been the worst I've ever been on the show. No, I swear to God, this is awesome.
It's been fun, man. Do you ever get that, though? Because, dude, you have to understand.

Speaker 1 Monday, i did two hours with burt then i did probably three fucking tiger bellies which is like over an hour apiece you talk so much you just fucking don't know at one point dude we you and i have talked think about it thousands of hours of nonsense

Speaker 1 yeah fucking nonsense crazy huh yeah and there's and there's times where i'm sorry you just kind of go i don't even know what else to say anymore yeah you know what i mean that's why we got to have experiences in the world so we can have more stuff to talk about, or we have to talk about people that we can learn stuff from that have had experiences.

Speaker 1 And George, George is here, my producer. I'm talking about, right? He's okay.
And so, George, he's changed a lot. Oh, dude, so much.
But, George, dude, it's like, I've talked so much.

Speaker 1 Are you trying to bleed me dry?

Speaker 1 No, you're doing great. This is the best ever.

Speaker 1 Now, that sounds like condescending, dude. Yeah, it sounds like something that somebody, he's not only the guy that killed Elvis.
Remember his manager or whatever?

Speaker 1 Snow cone or whatever that dude's name was?

Speaker 1 His name is Snow Cone? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You mean Tom Hanks' character? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Would you fuck Elvis?

Speaker 1 Would you fuck Austin Butler? Would I fuck Austin Butler? No, I'd fuck Elvis probably. Would you have fucked Elvis?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Would you have? Cleopatra.

Speaker 1 Who was that? In the history of... She was the Egypt queen.
Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's hard to know what she really looked like.
Oh, yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 But if you're going to travel all the way back in time, you got to smash. You feel me? I think you could have an easier time smashing than me.
What about Frederick Douglass? The black guy?

Speaker 1 Smash or Pat? Smash, Smash, for sure. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Although he is probably.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at him.

Speaker 1 Do you think he is a gapy butthole or no?

Speaker 1 Huh?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I heard he's got an underground railroad.

Speaker 1 That's insane. That's insane what you just said there.
You're going to hell. Yeah, no, no, but I did hear that he was gay, but I don't know that.
He should bring that hairstyle back.

Speaker 1 A lot of my black friends say that he enjoyed the pleasures of of men. Dude, that hairstyle has to come back.
Oh, yeah. What is that?

Speaker 1 It's like an afro, but

Speaker 1 conch? Conch?

Speaker 1 Conch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Conch?

Speaker 1 What's that hairstyle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's interesting. It's not really straightened, but he kind of combed the afro.
What is a conch hairstyle? What is the conk hairstyle? Yeah, there it is. It's the conk hairstyle.

Speaker 1 A conch is a hairstyle that was worn by some African-American men between 1940s and early 1960s. The name comes from the Congoline, a lye-based gel used to chemically straighten or relax hair.

Speaker 1 Once straightened, people styled their hair into pompadours or wore it slick back. Yeah.
They have,

Speaker 1 it kind of has a look that maybe Bruno Mars would kind of

Speaker 1 Malcolm X did it all in his book. Bruno Mars is Filipino, though.
In the Malcolm X book, there's a lot of conk hairstyles. Yeah, yeah.
I could see Bruno having it, rocking it, though.

Speaker 1 What a talented man. Yeah.
Yeah. Let's look at a couple TikToks and let's get Bobby on the road.
Anything new that's that's happening, TikToking?

Speaker 1 Yep, we got a couple.

Speaker 1 This is the

Speaker 1 this stuff. Are you good at this stuff? What is it?

Speaker 1 Like looking at stuff and then commenting on it?

Speaker 1 Why do you do it? Well, I like to show things that I'm amazed by. Okay, let's look.
I want to be amazed.

Speaker 1 This is a deaf rapper.

Speaker 1 Oh shit,

Speaker 1 MC Baba.

Speaker 1 We're going to hell, Dad. We're very good, though.
What else we got?

Speaker 1 Give me one more off of my Faveser that I starred. Pon Meski Moon.
Look at this.

Speaker 1 I'm not saying they're taking our jobs, but

Speaker 1 look at it again, dude.

Speaker 1 Smoking. Bro, what is going on?

Speaker 1 What is going on, dude? Yeah, Fumar.

Speaker 1 Fumarqui mouse. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, dude. Wow.
There should be a rule. Yeah, dude.
There should be. What do you think there's a rule is? I think I want many in the costume to be a woman.
That's the number one rule. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What about Mexican woman? That's fine. That's fine with me too.
Me, me. Yeah, but with a Mexican man who looks like the guy that works for Jimmy Kimmel, what's that? What security guard?

Speaker 1 Oh, a Hortensio. Yeah, that's him, dude.
Yeah. I don't want that.
Yeah, that's like a tall Hortensio. I don't want that.
They don't have that. One more.
Bring it up.

Speaker 1 Oh, this is a marriage proposal. This is crazy, bro.
This is what you got to do, Bobby, if you're going to meet someone. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a carjacking, right? Wow.

Speaker 1 Take the husband. They take the husband? Yeah.
Break all the car windows.

Speaker 1 That's insane. Imagine, dude.
Oh, you know what? Love is love. Love is love, dude.
Wow. It's good to know.
You know what's funny, dude? One time, whenever we do this, we'll both be married.

Speaker 1 We will.

Speaker 1 We have to start to believe that, Bobby, because if we don't, dude, then we never will be, man.

Speaker 1 And it's going to get weird, bro.

Speaker 1 Can we promise us each other this?

Speaker 1 We can do group vacations, like coupled vacations,

Speaker 1 yeah, if we're married,

Speaker 1 and then when they're like girls are surfing or doing their little thing, we you and I can get together, yeah, hit a meeting, chat, do something. Yeah, that'd be fun.

Speaker 1 Anyway, it's really nice. I'm gonna see you soon, right? Yeah, I gotta do bad friends, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, thank you. I love you, man.

Speaker 1 Yep, thank you. Now, I'm just floating on the breeze, and I feel I'm falling like these leaves.
I must be

Speaker 1 cornerstone.

Speaker 1 Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind. I found I can feel it

Speaker 1 in my bones.

Speaker 1 But it's gonna take

Speaker 1 a little bit of time.