E530 Bobby Lee

Calling all Call of Duty fans, the iconic map, Verdansk, returns to Call of Duty Warzone.

Starting April 3rd, you'll be able to drop back into Verdansk, experience all the chaos, and relive the thrill you've been missing. not only will you get the classic battle royale experience we all know and love

but verdansk is back with gameplay updates and the return of Verdansk-era weaponry. That's right, you'll experience Verdansk like never before.
Smoother movement, stunning visuals, and new mechanics. Whether you're dropping in solo or teaming up with your squad, it's time to come home

to Verdansk. So download Call of Duty Warzone for free and drop into Verdansk on April 3rd.
Rated M for Mature. We have some new, new tour dates to announce.
Bloomington, Indiana. on November 13th at the Indiana University Auditorium.
Columbus, Ohio November 14th at the Schottenstein Center. Champaign, Illinois up there November 15th at the State Farm Center.
And Grand Rapids, Michigan on November 16th at the Van Andel Arena. We also have shows in Bend, Oregon, Spokane, Portland, Oregon, Vancouver in the Canada, Oklahoma City, North Little Rock, Springfield, and Kansas City, Missouri, Sioux Falls, South Dakota, La Crosse, Green Bay, Moline, Colorado Springs, Casper, Billings, Missoula, Lafayette, and Beaumont, Texas.
Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. Make sure to buy through that link so you aren't visiting a secondary site.
And thank you so much for all of your love and support. Looking forward to seeing you there.
We've got new merch. Check out the new Return of the Rat tie-dye tees in green and purple.
We also have the Be Good to Yourself collection, gang gang, hoodies, and much more, baby. I'm upstairs at TheoVonStore.com.
Today's guest is a comedian. He's an actor.

He's my friend. And you know him from Tiger Belly and Bad Friends and from all of his

entertainment contributions over the past 20 years. Very fortunate to hang out today with Mr.
Bobby Lee. Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my stories Shine on me And I will find a song

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing

I've been singing Thank you. Enough.
Don't start. Don't start with that.
You don't open like that. Okay.

What you said to those girls I was with last night?

What?

That's what you're going to do?

Like what you did to those girls last night I was with?

The girls, they seemed like nice girls. Yeah.

No, I was going to say you look like my science teacher, Mrs. Hayes.

Dude, I'm tired of you right now, dude. No, I'm serious.
Your attitude right now. What? We just got in here.
She's a Creole woman. She's a Creole woman.
Oh, okay. So there's some brown in her.
Yeah, yeah. Like there's a lot of mixing.
If I'm with a girl at the comic store and you walk up and you say you say something like hey you like hang out with a boiled egg and then you walk away giggling it don't make me look good it don't make me look fine and it hurt my feelings you know i mean it's like that's not a layup you know i mean that's like you go up there and you go pop pop pop right and just walk away. Nothing.
I get nothing from you. Right? Yeah.
But you know what, dude? She laughed. And that's good.
Well, I didn't mean it. I wasn't trying to like throw you under the rickshaw or whatever.
I was just trying. I was like, I thought a boiled egg was like important in y'all's community.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, a boiled egg is important in many communities.
The Irish do it. Oh, yeah.
Right? Probably Africa. They do probably have ostriches.
Yeah, a potato is just a fucking gay boiled egg. You know what I'm saying? A potato? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's true. Come on.
Another thing is... She was cute.
Thank you. Is it a girl you're dating? No, it's just somebody I was trying to hit on.
Yeah.

And I lost the momentum.

And she'll probably never see me again because of the boiled egg comment.

Not true.

Yeah, yeah.

100% true.

And you seem to do that a lot.

Do I really?

No.

My bad, man.

That was the one time.

You know, but here's another thing.

I have some problems I have with you.

So I just, I'm not going to write it down, but I'm going to show you this. You got a JPEG of it? No, no, it's just a text that you gave me.
Also, secondly, do you think that I should, do you think I kinetically know where the fuck this place is? Yeah, I was supposed to tell you. I mean, right? I'm in the car driving like, I don't know where this place is.
All right? And number three, this.

Okay?

So a couple, maybe two weeks ago, or last week ago, bro, I need podcast guests next week.

Can you help me?

Which I'm your friend, dude.

Right?

Thank you.

But then you also say, also, I don't know if you've heard, but I'm bi.

Yeah.

And then I didn't know how to take that. So I just said, I'm down.
Right? I said, I'm bi yeah and then I didn't know how to take that so I just said I'm down right I said I'm down right and we kind of moved on from it right that doesn't concern you because apparently you were joking here well when you said I'm down I'm like is he showing up to podcast oh I see is he showing up to podcast for me to fuck yeah I should have said I will do podcast. But even if you thought that you would go, no, dude, I was just kidding.
Yeah. But you never did that.
I didn't get time. You threw it out there as a truth.
Right. And then I don't know what the thing, you know, if you're by dude, I'm good with it.
If I was by, I would know. I think, you know, I don't say, I know you would have an ink or something Yeah Like your ears would ring when you got around a gay dude or something You know, like Yeah, yeah, yeah I think, um But yeah, I didn't know if you were coming to pod Or coming to let me poke that yolk, homie You know what I'm saying? Yeah I think that we've known each other for so long I don't think that we would ever poke Even if we had Even if there was sexual attraction Oh, yeah We would No, no, there's no definitely So if we both had sexual attraction With each other Or to men I don't think that you would find me attractive Yeah I would brother Really And I mean that dude And I want to say to you I promise I would take you out I wanna say to you ditto Nice But thank God we don't Yeah thank God It's like But if something happened right Say something happened to all the women There was like a big sinkhole And all the women were there And all the women disappeared right Or there was a big sail And then under the sail there was a was a sinkhole.
So all the way- Like they're on a ship? Huh?

No, like a big, like, clothing sail

or jewelry sail. Oh, I thought you were like Noah's Ark.

Oh, no. You know what I mean? They're all just on a

gigantic ship with a sail.

Two of every- Yeah. Yeah.

You get a pair of redheads,

a pair of ching-chongs.

What? We don't use

that type of language on the ship. Okay.

What Chinese then? Okay, yeah. That's fair.
Yeah. Yeah, chops.
We call them. I, uh...
Yeah, yeah. And also another thing I want to say, because I have a lot of gripes.
But we would have a date though, dude. Bobby, if we...
Look at that. Yeah, but those are just friends hanging out.
Is that? I mean, one of his is hanging out. Santino just keeps fucking FaceTime.
I just gotta pick it up. What's up, man? Yeah, you pitching the Cubs? You throwing the pitch? Did you throw it? I threw it the first pitch.
Oh, fuck yeah, man. Congratulations, man.
Let's go. Dude, congratulations.
Yeah, yeah. I love you, boy.
All right. I'll see you later, dude.

Okay?

Congratulations.

Why would you text me for that?

Or call me for that?

But at least he cares, though.

It's so dumb, dude.

You think?

He grew up a Cubs fan, though.

I know.

It's just like you fucking FaceTiming me.

Oh, I threw a ball at, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Andre Agassi.

Yeah.

Yeah, I threw a plum to a handicapped guy or something. Anyway, let's go back to fucking, let's go back to fucking.
Here it is. Wow.
Wow. They have it on the thing.
Oh, he doesn't even get a really human being. He gets a bear.
Oh, damn. That's so sad.
He hugs the bear. Oh, for comedy.
He does it for comedy. Oh, that's so cool, bro.
I'm so proud of him. Have you ever thrown one out?

Yes. I don't think I've ever thrown a baseball in my life.

Really? Yeah. I've seen them in museums.

What about throwing like a hot bow or something?

Bow bun. I've done that.

Many times.

Grandma check catch.

You know what I mean? Whatever. Whatever the language is.

But look, my last gripe is this.

And then we can talk normally. Alright.

Man, I'm sorry about that, man. About what? Whatever the first gripe was Okay You don't remember I honestly don't remember I had a couple gripes.
Yes, but you don't want to write with me Okay, that's good. So here's another thing.
I don't know what happened to you And congratulations by the way for what for being white I don't know it's messed up I don't know congratulations for being so white no but your success and stuff but something happened where you know a lot of times you and I share the fans, right? But you've tapped into a fan base that doesn't like me that much. No way.
And I'll tell you who they are. Supermodel gypsies.
Really? They have Hannah tattoos on their necks, right? They look at me like, at the store last night, they were like, you know what I mean? They want to say ching chong. Yeah, yeah.
And guess what, dude? You know what I want to tell them? If Theo is the Beatles, I'm definitely Yoko Ono. Right? I'm a part of the, you know what I mean? Like, I'm a part of the ecosystem of the Beatles or whatever.
Right? But they looked at Yoko and went, ew. Like, are you a part of it? You're just a fan.
Right? I'm like, we call, we're friends, you know what I mean? You're at least Chingo Star. Yeah, Chingo Star, dude, right? Come on.
Yeah. I'm sorry, man.
Really, I feel like everywhere I go, everybody wants to ask me about you. It could be anybody, construction workers, people inside of a building.
It could be somebody that's a businessman, a woman at a counter. Everywhere I go, hospitals, people are like, oh, tell me.
Wait, wait, wait, stop. I don't get it.
So what? No, no, no, no, stop, stop. At hospitals, you're saying, the construction workers, the nurses, the hospitals, are they all Asian? Because you just made a voice No, they're fans of yours I understand that, but are they all Asian fans? Or just are there whites too? Because when you did the accent, I wasn't clear Tell me how you Tell me This is what you did Tell me about what you know about the Bobby Lee Is that what you want to say? Did you not go into an accent, though?

Did I?

Maybe you didn't.

Do it again.

A lot of them.

Do it again.

Okay.

A lot of them will be like.

I'm Theo.

Okay.

I'm walking.

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

Hey, are you Theo?

Hey.

Oh, you said no accent.

Tell me about Bubbly.

The Mexicans.

Yeah. Fuck yeah.
Tell me about Bubbly. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-, they sound like witches.
Okay. So I don't even believe in them.
They sound white as fuck, dude. Also, you're probably going to be fine.
They sound white, bro. I don't know believe in them they sound white as fuck dude also you're probably gonna be fine they sound white bro i don't know man you wanna i'm your fans your fans are all over bobby they're all over what everything every time i meet somebody they're like tell me about him where can we get him oh like i'm a like a porg no like a porg is? Uh-uh.
Okay. You're like one of those little head dolls that comes in that box, whatever those things called.
Bobbleheads. No, it's.
Porg. Funko Pop? Yeah, Funko Pop.
Oh, Funko Pop. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like a Funko Pop.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they, they ask as if I'm something that you could buy.
Yeah, or they just. Well, you could if you mass produce me, then you could make money? Oh my god If you had a cloning technology? Bro, if we had here- put one of your hands up right now like that little cat that's for magic at the uh Korean salon or whatever you're talking about? I know what the cat is I know They go- the good luck one Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah The good luck cat Oh yeah, so that Yeah, that's kind of it That's cool Alright, well I mean- But no man, I'm- yeah, if somebody was rude to you man, I'm sorry dude No, not just rude, it, yeah.
The good luck cat. Oh, yeah, so that.
Yeah, that's kind of it. That's cool.
All right.

Well, I mean, thanks.

But no, man.

Yeah, if somebody was rude to you, man, I'm sorry, dude.

No, not just rude.

It's just like they don't know who I am.

That's not true, Bobby.

No, those henna-tattooed, you know, gypsy witches that like you now, they're all beautiful,

by the way.

I didn't.

I don't know them.

You do?

What's that?

You're talking about Kat Von D, dude?

No, I love her. Bro.
She's the best the best Yeah I've worked with her before You have? A long, long time ago, yeah She's very She's very, very white It's like, she's like a creature that's like She's almost like something that happens at midnight for 40 minutes, you know? Like she's very like effervescent, you know what I'm talking about? What do you mean? At midnight for 40 minutes, what happens? Like it's like a dry... Yeah.
The vagina opens. No, no, no, no.
She's married. Like a mirage or whatever.
Yeah, but that's also a vagina opening. Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, apparently.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
If you have to do this with a girl, do you think the vagina's too big? Yeah, you've been in some coochie tunnels, I'll say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you have to do this with a girl, do you think the vagina's too big?

You've been in some coochie tunnels, I'll say that.

You've been underground in Vietnam.

What kind do you like?

Do you like the ones that stick out or are you like tucked?

I kind of like the ones that look like they have a little bit of lip liner on them.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like the combination of both.

When one lip is sticking out and one's tucked in, right?

One of them, it's like the banh mi. I don't like sticking out and one's tucked in.
Right? One of them is like the bon me.

I don't like if there's too much bon, you know.

What do you mean bon?

If it's a bon me kind of vibe.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If there's too much bon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And do you...

I mean, I don't know.

When's the last time you hooked up with a girl?

Oh, is this too personal?

You don't want to talk about it?

Not talking about it.

Let me think.

It's probably been...

What we don't know is

I think that you are very picky.

I have to get this off my chest, man.

I told you about this last night.

What did you tell me?

But I've been dating this person.

And every time we...

Rarely do we do this.

Make beautiful love. Oh, God.
Yeah. The sacred rituals of love.
She goes, yeah, when I was, you know, eight years ago, yeah, I hooked up with Theo. Nuh-uh.
Yeah. But she says it every time we're naked.
And it hurts me. That's all.
And I want to share that with you. dude that's crazy I think I don't believe her so you don't believe that you did hook up with her I don't believe her at all I don't believe her either because I know that you are very picky and you take your time el tiempo they call me and you do long strokes I do strokes I say it's long even though it isn't I'd be like, oh, that's long You know what I mean by long strokes? Uh-uh I mean, I'm thinking you're assuming sexual Well, you know Here's what I don't.
You don't talk about somebody with aorta issues or whatever, huh?

Sometimes.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like somebody just...

Like stroking for distance.

He strokes for a quarter mile.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's sort of like, you know, when in the Olympics...

When we're in the Olympics, they do the breaststroke.

But if you slowed it down and they...

Oh, yeah.

You know what I mean?

You do those.

You don't do those?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do some of that.

Yeah, I do long, right?

And I take a nap.

And then I do short.

Oh, yeah.

And then I rest.

Do you take breaks?

You're almost like

a stanza of music kind of.

With like a

half note,

quarter note.

Oh, you know what you're doing here? Whole rest. You know when you do this? That's Asian vagina.
It is? Yeah. It's lenty.
Is it really? That's a lie, huh? No, it's a lie. It's all folklore.
Is it? It's regular like everyone else. For years, I, you know.
I remember I almost made love to a Korean woman one time years ago, and this was in Idaho, and her legs kind of didn't separate. It was almost like, do you ever get really strong strong chopsticks or whatever and you can't open them or whatever? Wait, wait, wait.
It was just like that, bro. I swear to God.
Maybe it was a mermaid. Huh? Right? Was it a mermaid? I don't know.
Yeah. I don't know.
Are there Korean Asian mermaids? There have to be, huh? Bring that up. Bring up an Asian mermaid or something beached Asians or whatever.
Because if there were, they'd probably eat their own because they love sushi. Oh, here we go.
Wow. Yeah, there are.
And I'm the buy one. Dude, this dude will swim through West Hollywood, brother.
I was in Hawaii that day. And I saw that at a store.
And and I bought it immediately and I ran to the beach. I go, take this photo.
Dude, would you, dude, I'm telling you right now. Oh.
Little Mermaid. Oh, Little Mermaid would be better.
Oh. With me in it, no? Yeah.
It wouldn't be Little Mermaid. It'd be Fat Mermaid.
But you'd have like, Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they play all day in the zoo. The music would change.
Wandering three. Yeah, yeah.
We I could be. Yeah.
Part of that world. Yeah.
Bobby Lee, man. Good to see you, dude.
Good to see you, man. Oh, those are my gripes.

We're good.

I appreciate it.

You know, you've been going on the road.

My friend, my boy, Amir K.

Yeah, he's wonderful.

He's a wonderful man, dude.

Very funny.

Like we're going fishing next week up in Oregon, actually.

Yeah, he loves fishing.

He's good at it.

Yeah, and you're doing shows up there?

Yeah.

He's a good dude.

But you don't tour as much.

People want to see you more places, but you don't like leaving

home as much. Is that true? Yeah, that's

okay. I don't go out at all.

In fact, like I

I'm going up to Vancouver

the 12th and I'm doing it with

Segura and Segura's like, well, can you do

the day before and then the day

after too? Because I'm playing Eugene

in some place in Colorado

and

I just do Vancouver. You know what I mean? I just...
You don't like being away from home? Well, I mean, just truth of the matter is, is that I like doing stand-up in spurts. Yeah.
And I'm not addicted to, like, I see Santino and all these guys, they're all addicted to the, you know, their dopamine hits. Oh, not dopamine.
Oh, wait, dopamine. Dopamine hits, yeah.
The dopamine hits, right, doing shows. And it's like, I've just never been addicted to that dopamine hit.
Yeah. You know, I love being at home.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I don't know how you do it because every time I'm online, I see you, you're in Australia or wherever, whatever, and you're killing it and it's like, I'm happy for you, but I just never had that addiction to it. You know, I think because of the fact that like early on, I had just so much trauma from it.
From being on stage? Yeah. One time I was at a casino gig in New Jersey.
I forgot what it was called. And it's a casino gig that everyone played.
Montenegro? I don't know what it was. And I remember they had this red curtain behind the stage.
And I remember one show, I bombed so hard. Because this is before, I think now, you know, because I have fans that get me, you know what I mean? But before, when I was just on MADtv and stuff, like my fans, I mean, they knew me from sketch.
And so they wanted to see me do, you know what I mean,

my catchphrases.

Yeah.

Like, you know, sometimes I do.

Or, uh-oh, hot dog.

Or whatever, right?

Like, home alone or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm talking about?

Why don't they have an Asian home alone?

Why don't y'all make a home alone?

Right.

Well, the home is made out of rice paper.

Aren't they? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah.
And it's it's like yeah and they could get in quickly the burglars right they could just run through like the Hulk right so maybe that's why I think it'd be a 10 minute movie then yeah yeah get me yeah yeah yeah I'm home alone I'm dying or whatever that's very good clever dude you got well I think different cultures should all have their own films. Okay, let's talk about it.
So I think that there should be a castaway, right? But an Asian guy, but instead of him talking to the volleyball, what'd they call him? Wilson. Wilson, right? Instead of that, he makes a volleyball factory.

Right?

He's a sweatshop.

He makes monkeys and stuff work.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Right?

So you do a little twist like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I think it's more about the industry or something.

It's more about work ethic.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean?

And resilience in that way.

You know what I mean?

He could have a couple of stores going on,

factories going on.

You know what I mean?

He could be making fucking volleyballs, right?

Yeah. They should remake, i know wizard of oz oh all asian what do you think wizard of asia excuse me asia or asians some people say people aren't saying asians as much anymore a lot of people say weANs.
Who's saying ASEANs? I was at a hotel, actually. I was in Australia and a lady said, we have a lot of ASEANs here.
And I was like, who are... Oh, ASEANs.
Yeah. We have a lot of ASEANs here.
And I was like, who are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was looking online and I couldn't figure it out.
Were you in Australia? I mean, where were you? Yeah, I was in Australia. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And they said... Well, they say a lot of things weird there.
Yeah, but they said, we have a lot of ASEANs here. Yeah.
But let's talk about the Asian wizard. Let's see what we can do with that.
All right, so the Tin Man. You have the Tin Man, yeah.
You could put a little thing on that says Made in China. Oh, yeah.
That's why he's broken. Yeah.
Right. Am I right? Right? And then No Toto.
If I only had some bolts. Yeah, yeah.
No Toto, why? Oh. Tell me why there'd be no Toto.
Um... Because somebody's in the clean plate club.
Yeah, dog. Yeah, yeah.
So Toto would be eaten. Yeah.
Toto's gone. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. We'd have Toto.
Dorothy? Yeah, yeah. Right? That's the main lady.
Oh, yeah. Dorothy.
Yeah, yeah. And she doesn't want to go to Kansas.
She wants to go to Tokyo. Yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah. We'd have Dorothy.
Dorothy? Yeah, yeah. Right? That's the main lady.
Oh, yeah. Dorothy.
Yeah, yeah. And she doesn't want to go to Kansas.
She wants to go to Tokyo. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. What's the thing they say when they click the thing? Somewhere...
No, no, that's the thing. Oh, somewhere over the rainbow...
Is that from the Wizard of Oz? Yeah. It is? Somewhere over the rainbow roll.
Oh, yeah. Bring up a rainbow roll.
Yeah, rainbow roll. Yeah, yeah.
Somewhere over the rainbow roll. Yeah.
Wow, dude. That's it, dude.
Those are beautiful. I remember seeing one of those for the first time.
We would have the cowardly panda. Yeah, the cowardly panda, huh? Yeah, yeah.
And the wicked witch of the... Yeah, would she be, though? We need a caster.
Who? I know who it should be. Ali Wong.
No. She could play it good.
Well, she's a good actress. Yeah, she's good at it.
So if she needed to be wicked, she could do it. But is she wicked, though? If she needed to be.
I think she could be. She would be good.
Ooh, Ali's hot. There's Whitney Covers? Oh, that's damn Whitney.
Yeah, that's damn Whitney. Oh, Whitney would be the Whitney Witch of the West or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But we have to have a Witch of the East.

Ooh.

Yeah, yeah.

For sure.

Alley for the East.

Yeah.

And then who else is in the Wizard of Oz?

They had Cavalry Lion.

Yeah, well, the panda there.

You know what I mean?

What about the Scarecrow?

Do we change that up?

The Scarecrow is, he was full of hay or whatever. Yeah, rice maybe.
Yeah, maybe dried rice. That dried rice.
Yeah. It's right, right? Yeah, long grain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We do long grain rice with our head.
If you had an Asian poor name, it would be long grain. That would be good, huh? It would be good.
Yeah, long grain, dog. This episode is sponsored by PrizePix.
Indeed. Do you love firing on sports? Well, PrizePix is the best daily fantasy sports app for you.
Sign up today and get $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus.
It's guaranteed. You can fire on all your favorite sports like NFL, college football, MMA, UFC, many more.
What I love about prize picks is instead of choosing teams, you choose individual players. Each player has a set projection and you choose either more or less

than that set projection. One Caleb Williams passing yard gets you one win on prize picks every week in September.
That's right. Only one yard gets you an automatic win every football weekend in September.
That's four weeks of free w's don't miss this deal on prize picks because it's gone when september ends if you are smart with sports and you know what players are going to perform on what nights prize picks is the best app for you first time users download the prize, use code Theo and PrizePix will instantly give you $50 on your first lineup of $5 or more. No strings attached.
Put in $5 and instantly get a free $50. Sandals, sunscreen, snacks for the kids.
What do these have in common? Well, you're probably buying a ton of those again this summer. But don't stress about the cost.
Use Ibotta and get cash back on all your purchases when you stock up on all your summer essentials. Ibotta is a free app that lets you earn cash back every time you shop.
Earn on hundreds of items from groceries to beauty supplies, even toys, so you can make sure you're beating inflation no matter what you're purchasing. The average Ibotta user earns $256 per year.
That could cover the cost of an entire shopping trip, that flight you've been eyeing,

or the fancy dinner you've been craving. Right now, Ibotta is offering our listeners $5 just for trying Ibotta by using the code Theo when you register.
Just go to the App Store or Google Play store and download the free ibotta app to start earning cash back and use code Theo. That's I-B-O-T-T-A in the Google Play or App Store and use code Theo.
Ibotta. You're heading to an event.
You're taking your spouse or your friend to see a game, to see a ballerina or go to the dog track and you might need tickets well the only ticketing app that gives you complete peace of mind with your purchase is game time you heard me game time you love going to concerts you love going to shows game time is the way to do it. GameTime has a new feature called GameTime Picks that makes getting tickets for concerts and events even easier.
GameTime Picks filters out the fluff to show you only incredible deals on great seats so you don't have to waste time searching through thousands of tickets. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with Game Time.
Download the Game Time app, create an account, and use code WEEKEND for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply.
Again, create an account and redeem code WEEKD for $20 off. Download Game Time today.
Last minute tickets, lowest price guaranteed. Can I just say something about you? Is you are one of the nicest guys I think I've ever met in comedy.
Really?

Yeah.

Thanks.

I mean, it's, I think, can I met in comedy. Really?

Yeah.

Thanks, man.

I mean, it's, I think, can I give you my list?

Yeah.

Okay.

And you'll probably know.

But, and we'll talk about men.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll talk about women too.

But I think, aside from you, let's grade them from one to ten.

Niceness.

I'm guessing it ain't well, but let's do it.

It is. Okay.
Because I'm only going to give

you names that are like nice.

Greg Fitzsimmons.

Oh my god. Nine.

Out of ten? For sure. And he has a new

book that just came out. What's it called? It's a special.

And he has a new

video book that just came out. A special.

Yeah. On YouTube.

He was just on your podcast about it, wasn't he? No.

Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah, you know me.

So check that out.

I love it. video book that just came out as special.
Yeah. On YouTube.
He was just on your podcast about it, wasn't he? No.

Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah, you know me.

So check that out.

I love Greg. I love him.
Alright, so let's go.

Fahim Anwar.

Oh. Nine.

Nine. Yeah.
I don't think anybody wants to be a ten.

Right. They have a little bit of thing

that makes them not be a ten. Yeah, they're sick

perverts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So that keeps everybody a little lower. Nikki Glaser.
Eight or nine. For men, sex.
If she's supposed to be male, then she's doing a bad job. Yeah, yeah, bad job.
Female, nine. Yeah, for a female, I think she's a nine.
Yeah, she's nice. Let's try to find a ten.
There's no ten? The nicest? The nicest guy in comedy. I don't think I can find a ten then.
Because if fucking Greg Fitzsimmons is a nine, maybe Jelly Roll. Sebastian.
Sebastian's a nice guy. A nice guy.
For a busy guy, he always tries to communicate and stay tapped in. But he's only...
Oh my God, I oh my God, I want to get in trouble, but, oh God, I try

to edit my, you know, I got to edit my shit now, man.

So I got to think clearly.

But I want to say, I believe if you're in his visual range, right?

Somebody that he has a relationship with, right? That he's a 10. I think he's a 10.
But I don't think that if you're not in his visual range or in his ecosystem, it's hard to get in. Yeah.
Because he's so elusive. Yeah.
He'll park his car. He'll do a set.
And there's no way of like, you know what I mean, going, yo, yo, yo, I'm a comic too, or whatever, and developing a relationship.

I think the people he knows is who he knows, and that fucking roster is filled. Yeah, that's what I think.
I think at a certain point, you've done all of that, and it's like you only have so much bandwidth. You have children.
Yeah, yeah. You have a wife and parents.
and I think it's just

yeah

that's you know

I don't know if doing a lot of that

fucking You have a wife and parents. And I think it's just, yeah, that's, you know, I don't know if doing a lot of that fucking glad-handed and shit.
It's not his shit, really. Yeah, but you're good at it.
Well, I feel desperate probably to be a people pleaser. No, because the truth is last night when I was with those two girls.
Three girls you were with. No, the other one was a stray.
Well, whatever, dude. She knew that I was going to probably go say hi to you.
Yeah. And she went to your show.
Well, it's funny that a stray went missing. I'm an Asian.
Yeah. Yeah.
But, and I knew that I'm like, yeah, come meet Theo. I don't have that thing like, oh, this could backfire.
Yeah. You know, sometimes people are like that, where like a girl will go, hey, can I, oh, okay.
So my friend Alan Meadows, I grew up, I went to high school with him. He was at the store maybe a month ago.
And he's never been to the store. And he's never, he's like so like, he's one of those high school friends

that is just so stoked for you.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And I love this guy.

And we're at the store and he sees Marc Maron

and he goes, can you introduce me?

And for a split second, I was like, I don't know.

You know, I did it. Yeah.
And Marc was also eating pizza, which I've never seen him do. I've never seen him eat anything.
I know. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, me either.
So it's, yeah, it's scary to introduce. But he was nice.
He was, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
But you don't know. You know what I mean? Well, Mark doesn't pretend a lot, I don't think, you know? So I feel like, you know, you're going to get the real Mark.
It's like Bill Burr. You're going to get who they are at that moment.
Okay, do you get scared around him? When you walk up to him. Bill? Yeah.
Bill Burr, I get like, and I feel bad. It's just me.
He came on the show last night, dude. He jumped on the show.
Yeah, I know. It was fucking awesome, dude.
I stood on the side and I was like, I need to go home and work right now. I did not want to tell a joke.

He just, he is, I mean, he is the best maybe.

I think he's the best.

But there's just something about like me and Andrew were doing Bad Friends.

He was upstairs, I guess, is an editing place.

And he was editing a special.

We didn't know that.

So we're just doing Bad Friends.

He just walks in.

We had no idea. And it was almost as if i was tongue-tied you know i mean i he's done tiger belly a bunch of times i've been to his house i'm friends with him i love the guy right but every once in a while i get tongue-tied like i don't know what to say and i'm always like like he's one of those guys where it's like you let him talk yes.
Yes. And then you go, yeah, man, that's cool.
Dude, that's how I was last night. I was all embarrassed.
I was like, it was almost like a hot chick was there. I know.
Yeah, he's a hot chick. And you're like, at the certain points, I couldn't even look at him.
I just look at my other friend and we're both like supposed to be listening to him. Yeah.
We're both looking at each other. Yeah.
He just, and he's also a super nice guy too, which is also rattled. I kind of wish he was a dick.
Well, I think his material is so like him that there's something that's intimidating about him, but I don't think he means it to be that way. No.
I think his material is just so— It's in our heads. Oh, totally.
It's so funny you said that. Yeah, it's in our heads.
Because he left and we're all like, oh, dude, were you feeling like... When I went back there,

the residual of him being there was still around.

Yeah.

People were like,

oh, Bill was just here.

Yeah, it was like...

And I go, I don't give a fuck.

It was like the Wizard of Oz

when that storm hit.

People were like putting their windows back together and shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe he could be the wizard

in our Asian Wizard of Oz.

Anyway, I'm going to tell you something that happened to me the other day.

What would you do in this situation?

But do you think it's because we're intimidated of his talent?

Sorry, I'm going to go back to what you're saying.

And I'll go back to what you're saying.

I just wanted to know.

No, no, no.

It's good.

We can just cut.

It's fine.

Okay, they're just, I'm going to tell you, like we did with The Nicest,

I'm going to tell you who, just in my opinion,

when they're around, it has the same vibe.

Okay?

So Chappelle, obviously.

Chris Rock.

Like Chris will go, what's up, man?

You know what I mean?

And I'm always like, ha, ha, ha.

I like you.

You know?

I get really tongue-tied with that dude.

Yeah.

You know, that dude.

Oh, yeah.

One Christmas dude.

I don't know if I told you about this. That's his movie, One Christmas? Yeah, it's such a great movie.
Is it really? No, man. One Christmas dude.
I was on a date. I watched a movie with this girl.
You know, have you ever been to this Third Street Promenade? Yes. Right.
So then, you know, I went to this date and I tried to hold her hand in the thing and she kind of scooted away. I couldn't get no vibes from her.
And afterwards, the Brookstone, well not Brookstone, what's the bookstore? Barnes & Noble. Barnes & Noble.
All right, dude. All right.
There's a better way to say that. Or Borders Books, which Kamala Harris hasn't visited the whole time she's been in office.

Yeah, Barnes and Noble, dude.

Right? So, you know how they had the magazine section? Yeah. So, me and her

wandered in the, it was just during Christmas.

We wandered in the magazine section. Two Asians,

a couple periodicals, yeah. No, she was white.

Oh, she was white? Couple of one

Asian? Yeah, a couple of one Asian.

And a honky? Yeah, a honky, dude. Meeting over

some frickin' Southern Living? I like it, dude. Yeah, yeah.
And Chris was there. What? Yeah.
And I swear to God, dude, I had, you know, my relationship with that dude is just pound, say a couple of words, and you're out. Yeah.
Right? And he comes out and he looks at the girl. I swear to God, and he goes, here, one of the funniest in the business Wow He goes Merry Christmas He walks away, I hooked up with that girl that night That was a layup But he's one of them You know who's another one? For some reason Sarah Silverman Very sweet She's so sweet But there is a little bit like I want to watch what I want to say.
I'm a little self-aware of how I'm behaving. Yeah.
You know? But then there are people that I don't give a shit. Like Santino.
I don't give a shit. He's my friend.
I mean, that's what it is. Real friend? Bad friend.
Yeah, Don. That's what he is.
Yeah. And he's a BLM guy, he said.
Bobby Lee Matters, he said. Yeah.
Are you intimidated by Joe Rogan? I think maybe less and less over time. He has such a good memory.
It's almost like somehow like... Dude, he is a computer chip.
He is. Yeah.
People don't realize it, dude. He knows everything.
He just has a really good memory. Yeah.
What was I going to ask you about? Oh, dude, where were you? Where was I? You would look so... No, you've just been looking more like kind of put together, I feel like, you know? I feel like you're like in your fisherman era kind of, you know? You know what I'm talking about? No, I don't.
Like boat Bobby, kind of like live bait Bobby, you know? Well, you know, I've gone through some things. Yeah.
And I've evolved. Well, that's okay.
Yeah, yeah. No, it's a good thing.
Like that little yellow bad boy, that piss scallop, you know what I'm saying? That fucking hero. Piss scallop? Yeah, that's what I got.
Oh, this must be. Did you hear that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you call me piss scallop? No,'t say that, dude. That's something that they said on...

That's something somebody...

Is this broken?

I can't even hear correctly.

Yeah, maybe my ears.

Yeah, yeah, my ears, dude.

You didn't say that.

Let's change something.

Dude, where were you when Trump got shot?

Let's talk about something else.

What do you mean?

Where were you when Trump got shot, man?

Who was I? The president got when Trump got shot, man? Where was I?

The president got shot.

I know.

I don't really remember where I was.

I was at home.

I was at home.

And, you know, when I wake up in the mornings, I have a coffee.

And I bust out my iPad.

And I just start, like, I just go to news.

I just want to see what's going on.

Yeah.

And that was, you know, and then I remember just watching it going, what a sad day for our country, man. Yeah.
You know, what was he like? Donald Trump? Were you nervous? He was, I mean, he's kind of. Were you nervous? Yeah.
Like more nervous than you've ever been in your life? Yeah. Yeah, I would be too.
And then when know when he walks in right i mean are you do you have things planned yeah i had some ideas but i think i was super nervous i had a long week and it was like you ever have like a date you're excited for but you've had a craziest longest week and it finally friday night comes or something you're like yeah but that's what it was yeah that's what it was and so it was like um you know and so I just and I knew I had a limited amount of time what was the time probably 52 minutes we had 52 minutes yeah that's a long time though yeah but I know it can go fast and he can get on some he gets on some tangents right he goes in now yeah so I didn't why I was like you have to kind of curtail him a little bit, you know?

And so I tried to do that.

With the clips I've seen, though, I think that

you were good. Thanks, man.

Yeah, you were good.

I tried my best, you know? I thought it was

interesting. I thought he was nice.

I got to meet Ivanka and her husband. That was cool.

Oh, that's cool. Yeah.
There's a lot of Asians

for Trump out there. Do you know that?

How do Asians feel about Trump? Let's say it, man. Can I say something to you? Yeah.
I'm not the president of Asians. I seem to think that you seem to think that I'm their leader.
Like every month there's a gathering, right? And I get all this information from people. Yeah.
Right. And then I go out to the world.
I'm their spokesperson or something. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
You're like Kim Jong-un. No, I'm not Kim Jong-un.
You're like a smaller, like scam Jong-un. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I think that Kim Jong-un and I come from the same body type. I would say that.
Right. Like if they made a factory of like Asians, I'm the same mold as Kim Jong-un and Benedict Wong.
Yeah. You know Benedict Wong? I don't think so.
You ever see Dr. Strange? Nuh-uh.
You have the very emperor's body. That's Benedict Wong.
Oh, you guys. Yeah, that's the area you're in right now, Bobby.
Yeah, so that's like the same mold. He's a great guy, by the way, Benedict.
Wow. Yeah, but it's like, you know, and he just went more action with his body.
Good for him. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you have very like the emperor that inherits the castle type of, you know. Thank you.
Thank you, dude. That's the best.
Yeah. But I want to say that I don't know if they're, you know, I know Stephen Chung.
You know him? Yeah, he's, I think, look up Stephen Chung. I think he's an attorney for Trump, is it? Stephen Chung, attorney? Yeah, Republican.
Yeah, he's with the Trump campaign. Yeah, yeah, so, you know, so if you want to ask about Asians and Trump, ask Stephen.
Yeah, that'd be cool to meet Stephen Chung. Did you see that Asian guy? Looked at that Asian guy at the Trump rally, you see him? No, tell me.
Bring it Steven. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Did you see that Asian guy?

Look at that Asian guy at the Trump rally. You see him?

No, tell me. Bring it up.
Oh, yeah, this is it. Oh, this guy.
Okay, what happens to this guy?

It's like gays and Asians meeting or whatever.

This Asian guy meets this woman.

Let's see what happens.

I like to smile.

I'm serious right now.

I don't know. Guess how old I am.

22? 16. You're 16.
But if you want to kiss me, Guess how old I am. 22? 16.

You're 16.

Yep.

But if you want to kiss me, I will kiss you.

Don't act scared.

Come on.

This is my first kiss.

Come on.

Bend over.

I can't reach you.

24.

I really am.

I came to this show probably to find love.

I wanted to find me a good American woman.

I'm not a woman.

Oh.

I'm not a woman. Wait, what? He keeps thinking I'm a woman.
I'm not a woman. Oh.
I'm not a woman.

Wait, what?

He keeps thinking I'm a woman.

I'm a man.

Yeah, yeah.

That kid kissed that man.

For Trump, bro.

He kissed a dude for Trump, bro.

That's a Gajan right there for sure, dude.

Wow, bro.

That was fucking weird. It's almost as if it's like AI or something.
Wow. G-A-I.
Brian. Yeah.
Wow. Yeah.
His name is Brian. Brian.
Yeah, I don't know what went wrong with him, but, you know. Yeah, play that last part again.
Yeah, tell you. I'm ready to find love.
I'm ready to find me a good american woman i'm not a woman oh i'm not a woman wait what he keeps thinking i'm a woman i'm a man yeah yeah that's my friend that's elton yon yeah yeah dude wow wow are there more are there more asians than trump Do Asians support Trump or not? Okay, I think some do.

Yeah, I'm sure some do When it comes to the economy probably You know what I mean? What is this one? This is a Trump country We live in the southeast We drink Swiss tea We don't drink socialist Kool-Aid. Wow.
Wow. So they're out there.
Yeah, what do you- This is a sweet drink, Anthony. We don't drink the- What does he say? Socialist Kool-Aid.
Wow, dude. I wrote that speech for him.
Did you know that? At the beginning, I did. You're the speech writer.

Yeah, I'm the speech writer, dude.

He said it perfectly the way I wrote it.

He did.

Yeah, the Kool-Aid, Socialist, all that shit was in there, dude.

What a great guy.

What percent of Asians are supporting Trump, though, do you think?

Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

With this line of questioning, are you trying to get what my political affiliation isation is no right i ain't gonna tell you dog okay yeah and i have to say this i'm in the middle yeah what are you i am it's a good question man because obviously there are things that i like you know i i like both sides like's right to choose. I don't give a fuck.
I want them to have the right. It's not me.
It has nothing to do with me. Right? I just think, I mean, I'm kind of, I'm in the middle of one side, kind of.
You know what I'm saying? A little bit more. What do you mean? Huh? So you're in the middle of one side.
Yeah. Well, okay.
I think I've always been.

I mean, I love the fact that Trump brought over RFK Jr.

Yeah, yeah. I'm still pissed that the Democrats railroaded Bernie Sanders for an eight.

Me too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, is democracy even real in this country anymore?

Okay.

I don't know.

Okay.

That's what I don't even know anymore.

I don't even know if all of us are just being played.

That's what it starts to feel like.

Yeah, I generally don't like talking about politics, but I'll say this.

I'll say that one side, you know, is more supportive of what I do for a living.

What do you do okay okay you mean comedy comedy okay you mean so freedom of speech or whatever yeah okay i think one side is a little more sensitive than the other side and so you I struggle with that that fact. Yeah.
You know? Look man, I voted for Obama and I voted for Trump. Yeah.
So I'm not a... I am open to anything.
Yeah I've never really voted. Really? No I voted for Obama one season.
You did? One season I did. Um, what uh...
But are Asians... You see here's what you did.
I want to go back to the, remember the original question I had? Yeah. Like from 15 minutes ago? And then you were like, oh, I want to go back to that.
And we never did. Oh, about what? I forgot.
Being bisexual or whatever? No, no, no. No, after that.
I didn't even explain it to you. Something happened to me the other day.
Yeah, what was it? I was going to ask you, like, what would you do in that situation? Yeah, what was it? So I was at a gas station, right? And I'm pumping gas. And there's a guy, like, right in back of me pumping gas, you know? And he looks at me and he goes, he goes, yo, dude, can I get a photo? Right? And I, dude, that day, dude, I went through it.
I was beaten down. I was tired.
I was in a really bad mood. And I go, yeah, okay.
And he goes, ah, nevermind then. Because I wasn't enthusiastic about the photo.
Right. You know, what does one do in that situation? I think you just got to respect it because I think it played out like it was supposed to.
But then I go, I'll take a photo. He's like, nah, man.
Now you're the bad guy. Now I'm the bad guy.
He's like, I don't want a photo with you because you know what I mean? What he's basically trying to say is because I wasn't like, yeah! Let's take a photo! You and me? Forever! You're right. He wanted that reaction.
Yeah. When I gave him an organic, like, yeah, dude, I'm, you know, I didn't say this, but it's like, I'm fucking tired, but I'll do it.
Because I've never said no to anybody. Well, that's part of the problem.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's sometimes you have to, like, because, yeah, I would be like that forever.
And now I started to set my own boundaries. And I was like, hey, man, I'm having a bad day.
I don't feel like it.

I'm at the gym.

I'm just trying to work out or little things like that. Because you also don't want to interrupt your train of thought sometimes, your imagination

or whatever.

Because every time you like, you know, so sometimes that can be a bit overbearing.

You killed it in Sweet Dreams.

Oh, in the movie?

Thanks.

You killed it in that.

Thanks, dude. Yeah.
You're... I wish they had more...
I want to say... Sex in it.
Okay. Maybe that's sweet dreams, too.
Yeah. Me and our characters.
The sweetest dreams. Yeah, yeah.
But you... I'm telling you right now, if you wanted to, is i know you're not going to want to do it i know you what do you look at me like that huh why are you looking at me like that that's how i look oh you're like oh am i yeah yeah if you wanted to you could be an actor i know you don't want to though you were just so natural up there oh thanks man it was cool like the I know you don't want to, though.
You were just so natural up there. Well, thanks, man.
It was cool. I know you don't want to talk about it, but.
No, I appreciate it, man. Yeah, I think I would like to make something.
I just want to make something of my own. You will.
That's the only thing. I don't want to be a part of something anybody else's thing.
I understand that, but the test is, and you passed it, I think, is to do a project that like you have nothing to do with,

show up and saying other people's words. And, you know, you're doing it with real actors and

people that are like been doing it for years and just holding your own and being natural and being

good. You know what I mean? And, and so I just wanted to give you that, those props, you know,

because, um, you really did kill it. Thanks, man.
All right. You're welcome all right you're welcome you always do a nice job man of uh saying nice things about people

where'd you learn that i wonder

where'd you learn that like you always do that where you like say something nice about people

i'll tell you why because i hate this this business is dude back in the 90s like i just

put out this fucking like who was you got in a fight with sinbad or something yeah yeah no no

I don posted this. It was a 1998...
Okay. Original room lineup.
Wow. Okay.
I can't wait to see this, actually. Yeah.
And I mean, look at it. 1998.
And when I saw this lineup, it brought me back to that time. And in that time in comedy, look at who's in it.
They're still around. Schubert's still around.
Johnny Sanchez. Argus is still around.
Dice is still around. Rogan.
Brian Holtzman.

Wow. Right? And this

is 26 years ago.

Wow.

Right? Yeah, the whole lineup.

This is July 4th,

July 2nd, 1998.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jonathan Gottsick.

Okay, Jonathan Gottsick, one of the funniest

guys I've ever met in my life. He still does it?

No, he quit. Wow.

Dave Pierre. One of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life No, he quit Dave Pierre One of the funniest guys I'm looking at it from 1998 Bobby Lee But I just remember watching those fools And going, wow, they're funny Maybe I've evolved or whatever They don't get here by not having That in them.
Jason Galern. Hilarious.
Bobby Lee? Neat. Sorry.
E.L. Gregory.
Jimmy Schubert. Argus Hamilton.
Alive still. R.I.P.
But still here. Still R.I.P.
Frankie Pace. Frankie Pace.
Frankie Pace, Luke Torres, but still here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But still here. Still RIP.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frankie Pace.

Pace.

Frankie Pace.

Frankie Pace.

Luke Torres.

Andrew Dice Clay.

Yeah.

Joe Rogan.

Brian Holtzman.

Yeah.

And Rick Wright.

So back then, I just remember being a kid.

Mm-hmm.

You know what I mean?

Because I'm in my early 20s.

Yeah.

Oh.

You all right?

And you were the talk of the town.

People said when you came out.

No, they hated me. Huh? Are you out of your fucking mind? They fucking hated me back then.
Really? Yeah, it was, dude, I would have, dude, I would have like white dudes literally walk up to me and go, hey, man, Asians aren't funny. Wow.
Yeah. I was like.
Because of the war or whatever? It's what? I said because of the war or whatever. Which war? Nam? Korean? No, whatever the latest one was with you guys.
I don't know. Yeah.
The latest one would be Vietnam. No, you guys keep starting shit, dude.
I'm just saying. And we also won that.
Okay. We won that one, dude.
I agree, bro. Dude, why does everything have to be a war with you, dude? Bro, I'm happy to go over there and fight for you guys.
Next time I'll fight for you guys, dude. Yeah.
Dude, Vietnam War, you did fight with the South, I think, against the North. I want to fight for you guys.
Yeah, I know. You did the Southern part of whatever.
I'm not even Vietnamese. I'm not Vietnamese.
All right. But in Korea, you guys fought with the South.
All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Oh, God.
I know, dude. This is every time I'm with you, dude.
I sweat. Well, you got to give a pamphlet or something whenever you see people.
I know. But so anyway, let's go back to this lineup.
Back then, it was fucking. People were so mean back then.
Yeah. And what would they do? They would write stuff on your car or whatever?

No, I mean, what do you mean?

Like they would, you know, or graffiti or whatever?

No, no, no. They wouldn't do stuff like that, but it would be more like, you know, one time I was, I

had a list of jokes I was going to try and a comic picked that out of my hand and he

goes, seen it, seen it, done it, done it, seen it, seen it, done it, and just handed it back to me. You know what I mean? Just like flat out fucking rude for no fucking reason.
Because it's like, but now, because of the internet or whatever, it's just like you can't afford to act like that. Right.

Right?

Because it's like, everyone has a shot.

Right?

And it's like, and I remember back then going,

if I'm ever in a position where I can be nice,

I'm just going to be.

You do it all the time.

Yeah, and I feel like, I think I am.

You do it well, man.

What do you mean, doing nice well? You're nice too.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You do it now. Are you good at intros? I don't know.
Like when you bring people up on stage? Oh, you're pretty good at it. Are you good at it? I like going up after you.
I know, but are you good at it? I think I am. All right, so if I'm about to go up, give me an intro.
I'll be like, ladies and gentlemen, this next guy, I'll drop him off at a VFW and see how they treat him over there. He is a true hero.
You know him from Bad Friends. It's okay, it's good.
You know him from different places on the internet. You guys- It's enough.
It's enough. It's not good.

You guys give it up.

It's enough.

Sorry.

Can I teach you how to do it?

You guys give it up for Ken Jones.

No.

Okay.

Can I teach you how to do it?

Yes.

All right.

I think I know.

Because you're a master at it. I agree.

All right.

So my theory is this.

It's like if you do like this next guy, clubs and colleges, and just something that's not specific, right? It's just, the audience can tell. There's no relationship between the two people, right? So you put in personalized things.
Do I remember when I first met this guy, him and I had coffee and one, you know what? You personalize it, right? And then you give him specific credits. Instead of clubs and colleges, you go, dude, I saw him in an episode.
Like for me, if I brought you up, I'd be like, dude, I did a movie with this guy called Sweet Dreams. This guy killed it in everything.
You know, and he's killing it on his day. You know, just be, you personalize it.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, to let people know that you have a real relationship. Vietnam, VAW, whatever the fuck you were saying.
VFW. Whatever you were saying.
I wouldn't do that, but, you know. Well.
Yeah, okay. I'm just saying, if I took you to a VFW and dropped you off in there, right? What is a VFW? Veterans of Foreign Wars.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
What do you think? Huh? If I dropped off, you dropped me off in a VFW? If we dressed you up in like a Civil War uniform, I dropped you off. Right.
At a VFW. Right.
I have a musket, right? You're like, we're going to kill these guys. Yeah.
And then I have one of those, you know what I mean, mustaches that curl. And one of those round bugles.
Yeah. What do you think that would happen? Yeah.
I think they'd be like. They'd call the FBI.
Hmm. Yeah.
I don't think that'd be good. A lot of white guys would be like.
And I walked in. Wow.
Okay. George.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know, life's better with a good hack, like learning the secret menu at your favorite restaurant or stumbling upon a buy one, get one sale at the mall. Well, there's a wireless hack, too, and it's called Visible.
Visible's like ordering from the secret menu in wireless. You get unlimited data and hotspot, and plans start at just $25 a month for one line, taxes and fees included.
Plus, Visible runs on Verizon's 5G network for great coverage, fast speeds, and a seamless connection. And it's all digital.
Don't like going to the phone store? Visible doesn't have them. You switch from your phone and manage your plan in an app.
Now that's a hack. If you're ready for wireless that lets you live in the know, make the switch at visible.com.
Plans start at $25 a month. For our best features, get the new Visible Plus Pro plan for $45 a month.
Terms apply. See visible.com for planned features and network management details.
Does Blue Chew work? If you're asking that question, well, we want you to know that Blue Chew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free. Blue Chew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in chewable form.
The best part, it's all done online.

That means no visits to the doctor's office,

no awkward conversations,

and no waiting in line at the pharmacy.

Blue Chew wants men rock hard.

They told me that's the mission.

They will not stop until every man is bricked up

like a brick house, Hey, bricky.

Till every tent is pitched. Till every rod is raised.
What are we talking about? Discover

your options at bluechew.com. And we've got a special deal for our listeners.
Try Blue Chew

free. When you use our promo code Theo at checkout, just pay $5 shipping.
That's bluechew.com promo code Theo to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.
And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
If you've ever considered therapy for yourself, or if you think a loved one is struggling and could use someone to talk to, BetterHelp is a great option. I've used them.
I enjoy it. What I like about BetterHelp is you can switch therapists at any time, and I encourage you to do that.
Don't feel like, oh, the therapist is going to be upset if I can't see them again. It's all about you getting better.
It's entirely online, BetterHelp is, and it's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Rediscover yourself, get comfortable with who you are.
Have someone to help you feel better or talk to. Visit betterhelp.com slash Theo today to get 10% off your first month.
Rediscover your curiosity with BetterHelp. That's better, H-E-L-P, better help.com slash theo to get 10 off your first month dude did you see that pull up that um there was there was one lady that covered the trump thing it was think it was an asian lady do you see the thing uh covered the at that time that we interviewed trump this is kind of self-aggrandizing or whatever oh here we go but that's not even all trump has wooed this hyper masculine online culture deeply during a recent podcast with the comedian theo warn instead of talking about economy or immigration or health care or the global conflicts they discussed cocaine addiction.
No. Did you really? What did you ask him? Have you ever asked him if he did coke? He doesn't do coke, right? He's never done drugs.
Drink, doesn't smoke. Don't drink, don't smoke.
Cocaine addiction. What did you ask him, though? What's up with cocaine addiction?

We talked about addiction.

His brother died from addiction.

Oh, wow.

So we talked from alcoholism.

I'm sorry.

So we talked about that.

And then we talked about why he never drank or smoked.

He kind of led on that.

He thought there could be some tendencies that he could have the same thing his brother had.

So I think he didn't want, you know, he had fear about that.

I can't, you know, I don't.

Do you understand that or no? What, your brother having something you have you mean no no no no because i've met like i remember like dane cook was like that like i don't drink or do drugs carlos mencia for a while was like that too where i was like i don't touch that stuff like to me it's like i love it yeah you love it yeah because i just i think I don't, I, over time, I don't, my, my natural state, I think, wasn't my favorite throughout my life, probably how I felt. So if I could change that in some way, then I want to do that.
So those are the things you change it with either, you know, stuff like that, I think. I just don't like feelings.
Yeah. Wow.
That's interesting. I don't.
It's like I, and I'm sober now, and I've been able to like kind of, what my therapist says is to like kind of just identify what you're feeling, right? And feel it, you know? And I, but I never liked them. I never liked depression or sadness or trauma or anything I just I just it doesn't sit well in my body you know I mean so it's like I always like consume things with it but it's you know but that's more destructive you know and so that's why I'm sober and I'm I feel pretty free now and I think I can handle most emotions well you take on a lot on a lot more social.
You've been a lot more social, I think, in the past two years, it seems like. Social? What do you mean? Just like trying to stay busy, do more things, right? Like actually put yourself out into situations and stuff.
Dude, I think I never, like you said, I didn't ever like having feelings. I like, no matter how I felt, I felt ashamed of how I felt.
That was weird, you know? Yeah. Like it's a lot of times I wouldn't feel good.
And this, I'm trying to, I'm not getting into self-pity. I'm just saying, I'm not saying this.
I feel fine today. But sometimes I wouldn't feel good.
And then I would feel ashamed for not feeling good. That's the part that I didn't understand sometimes.
Because that made it so hard to like figure out the first part, you know? Does it make any sense yeah it makes like a lot of sense and it just i just it just struck me that i don't want to get too um sentimental with you but there are times where i really believe this that i feel concerned About you Really?? Yeah. Because I don't know really what's going on.
I feel like there was a time where we talked more and there was more communication. But let's face it, you've risen a little bit.
I know it's hard to hear. It to hear.
It's hard to hear, it's hard to hear that you've risen but you have. Well, things have gotten, things have worked together.
Things are so good for you, right? And I think with that rise, right, there's like more of a disconnect with your friends because you're so busy and you're doing other things, I get it, but it's like, I'm always concerned about like, you know, you know, if you're sober, if like, is he going to meetings? You know, is he, you know what I mean? Talking to people about things that are going on. You know, I, you know, I always feel like things are probably good with you, but it's like, I have to admit that there is, you know, concern.
I don't know why. I mean, cause I love you.
No, I appreciate it. No,.
No, I appreciate it. I love you.
You know that, right? Yeah. I know this is a comedy podcast, but it's like...
I don't care. I just have to say that because it's like...
Because I've seen it. I've seen people rise and then they get lost.
And then also there's people around them that don't necessarily care and they're just in it for the ride. I don't know who you're surrounding yourself with or whatever.
You know what I mean? So you're probably healthy and doing well. I don't know.
But it's like there is a concern that like maybe it's alone when you get higher up. There's more loneliness.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, how are you doing? I don't know. I mean, I think podcasting makes me feel pretty connected to people.
You know, I think me not living here has been, it's been good, but it's also been I don't get to see a lot of people as much. I don't get to see a lot of my guys from AA.
I think, yeah, my sober program hasn't been that good the past month for sure.

And so I think really two months, like probably the past month, but just, yeah, not being able to like, you know, it's like I'll work late.

And so then I don't want to make the morning Zoom meeting or make that, you know, and then I'll get up late. And then it's like I try to go to the gym, then I'll miss the noon in-person meeting.

So just, yeah, I got to touch base with some people.

And, um, dude, I was in Butte. Get honest and honest and get tight yeah I was in Butte for a month Montana for a month for doing what I did a movie and they're like Butte there's nothing to do and one day I was in my hotel room there was nothing to do and I called one of the guys that lives there and I go can you give me an A schedule and I tracked a couple of a couple of times all the way to this like in the boonies.
Oh yeah. And I walk into the school and like there's old white people with oxygen tanks and like, you know what I mean? And obviously they- Drug mules.
Yeah, drug mules. Yeah, and also they've never seen an Asian walk into an A meeting there.
I never saw one black person in Butte. Yeah.
So when I walked in, it was just like, Charlie, you know what I mean? They get Vietnam flashbacks. You know what I mean? Get down, get down! You know what I mean? No, I'm in AA too, you know what I mean? And when I'm sitting there, right, even though like, you know, we don't have the same lifestyles that these people, right? You know, at least I can say to myself, like, you know, I'm trying.

You know,

I'm trying to like,

take care of myself

on a daily basis.

And,

um,

dude,

one fucking,

I went to a meeting

and,

you know,

because there's only two

Uber drivers in Butte.

Mm-hmm.

And,

um,

this guy came,

this guy just sitting next to me

and goes,

hey man,

my name is Derek.

And I go,

thank you.

And he goes,

I'm a fan.

Thank you. and this guy came, this guy sitting next to me, he goes, hey man,

my name is Derek,

and I go,

thank you,

and he goes,

I'm a fan,

and he goes,

you want a ride home?

A fan you mean?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Like an Asian?

No,

not a dad fan.

Oh,

okay,

like a dad fan.

It was a dad fan,

no,

I didn't know,

it was just like a fan of,

you know what I mean,

of mine,

and my comedy.

Yeah,

yeah.

Right,

and then he,

and then so I get in the car with his wife,

and we're like opposite direction no of the hotel they want to watch you fucking throw that little liavulin long strokes yeah yeah and so then I go hey my hotel's that way like we know man know, man. I go, where are we going? You're going to our house.
Wow. Right? So I go to this house.
And they want me to meet their kids. Nuh-uh.
Yeah. How old were the kids? I don't know, but they were little white kids.
Oh, too young. So they came up.
There's these two dogs that fucking jump on top of it. Oh, yeah.
They're walking in there, right? Rude, huh? And then there's these white kids that come out of the room, right? Wiping their, you know what I mean? They're not crying. They're just how they, when they wake up.
Yeah, yeah. Like that.
And they're like, yeah, our mommy took us to Missoula and gave us $300 for school clothes. Fuck, I gotta beat their ass.
You don't even know, you can't beat their ass. Yeah, you can, dude.
Like, fuck you, bitch. If they have $300, dude.
dude To split amongst them My mom gave me $30 from the time I was age 5 to the time I was age 18 Oh you're right you're right So $300 But I was in that house for like 45 minutes Yeah it sounds like you're It sounds like you waste your time No but I don't know What I'm saying is I'm willing to go to like these lengths. I see.
To like just whatever, you know what I mean? Yeah. And they're super sweet.
Yeah. I didn't think I was going to get like, imagine if I was in a well in the basement.
Yeah. Right.
And you're like, what would you have throw down? You get two things thrown into the well. Oh, shit.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
Oh, so I would would Lube No, no

No, that's not good

I mean, if you're gonna also

Use it as a

Beverage

I think it's fine

You're right, you're right

Two things that

Water

Yeah, that's good

And then food

Oh, yeah

Like Jersey Mike's

Or seeds

Plant your own

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

It depends on how long

It takes to grow

Or you could also eat

The fingernails that are in

The fucking Right? That's protein, right? Is that protein? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it depends on how long it takes to grow.
Or you could also eat the fingernails that are in the fucking...

Oh.

That's protein, right?

Is that protein?

Yeah.

I would just...

The fingernails, right?

And eat them, you know what I mean?

A little bit of wall caviar.

Yeah.

I would be so frightened.

Would you be frightened?

Oh, I would be so scared, dude.

And I would probably...

What would I do down there?

Sing a lot.

And you'd have to hold your pee-pee or your... an echo, so what song would you sing? I would sing, Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem.
That's a good one. For me, Edelweiss.
Edelweiss? Imagine, I'm in a well, and I just go Hey Dovice Hey Dovice Right? You get a shrimp They They catch it like a fucking walrus okay. There's drugs dude.
Is there a lot of drugs right now? I've been here There's a lot of drugs in the in the Asian community lot of trank or whatever I've been hearing there's like a lot of um I've been hearing that trank is the big thing in the Asian community is that true like chanks for trank or whatever it's like just just hear me out all right it's like if I said to you man I heard there's a lot of shoelaces in the white community. Yeah.
Does that make any sense to you? Like, why would, like, honestly. Okay.
Man, I heard there's a lot of fucking glitter in the black community. I mean, it doesn't make whatever you're saying.
I feel like you're just coming up with Asian shit. Yeah.
Yeah. You're just like, I heard there's a lot of, you know what I mean? Google.
No, no, no, no, no. Don't Google.
No, what I'm saying is that, you make me so mad sometimes, dude. Really? No, I'm fine.
I'm sorry. Google Asians for Trank.
Google Asians on drugs. Asians for Trank.
DA reports widespread. Wait, wait, it's purple? So you've looked it up before.
I haven't. Yeah, yeah.
Why would you look that up already? These guys... Some of these guys live here all night.
DEA reports widespread threat of fentanyl mixed with xylazine. That's Trank, daddy.
Yeah. Where does it say Asians on that? Well, let's see.
It's going to get there. Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced.
Fentanyl even deadlier,

said Administrator Milgram of the

DEA. The DEA has seized

xylazine and fentanyl mixed in 48 of 50

states. The system is reporting

that in 2022, approximately 23%

of fentanyl powder and 7%

of fentanyl pills seized by the DEA contained

xylazine. Okay, I know where

the agent comes from. Can I tell you

where? Yeah. This is what you read.
Xylazine is making the deadliest drug threat our country has ever faced. Fentanyl even deadlier.
Said administration Milgram. And it says right here no, up there.
Also known as Trank. Yeah.
You think that's an Asian word? Trank. It's not.
But Trank is obviously an Asian name. Yeah, I but you can't.
You know what I'm talking about? I know what you're talking about but I'm just saying that's not what it's referring to. I think it's referring to tranquilizer.
Oh I see what you're saying. Yeah yeah so what I'm saying is it's like.
Oh yeah. Tranquilizer.
Yeah. Yeah I thought it was like um Trank seems like a like a Vietnamese or Korean nickname.

You agree?

Trank.

Trunk?

I just...

Like Matthew Trunk?

I know.

Matthew Trunk.

Yeah, I know.

Graduate.

I know.

Graduate sociology major.

Yeah, so dude,

I want to let you know, dude.

But that is Trank.

I understand,

but that has nothing to do with Asians.

Okay. Okay, let's move on.
Google, go to images then. See if we get any.
Okay, here we go. Yeah, you're right, maybe.
Right there. You tell me that face is an ASEAN? I think you're right.
Asians for Trank? Yeah, yeah, I think you're right Well, you know, I learned something new. Thank you.
I'm sorry for attacking you. Yeah, it's okay, man.
It breaks my heart though It's just sad. Is this someone on Trank right here? Look at her sneakers.
She is a brand new druggie Oh, this is somebodyanyl. Dude, can you pause that for a second?

Dude, sometimes people that are on fentanyl,

it's almost as if they're doing yoga, but then they freeze.

Like, I want to do downward dog.

Oh, it's so sad.

I shouldn't have even made a joke like that.

Well, it's sad that it's just like... Have you ever done fentanyl?

No, I hope not.

Yeah, me either.

Because I remember years ago,

Vicodin really fucked me up.

We're going to go. I shouldn't have even made a joke like that.
Well, it's sad that it's just like... Have you ever done fentanyl? No, I hope not.
Yeah, me either. Because I remember years ago, Vicodin really fucked me up.
Really? I was addicted to Vicodin for two years. Would you take it at night or during the day? All day long.
Like, from like... Dude, I got...
Dude, Drew Barrymore... I swear to God, I think still hates me because of that.
Wow. I'll tell you why.
For doing Vicodin? No, because I used to have a bowl of Vicodin in my fucking dressing room at Matt TV. And the Strokes played one night.
Oh, wow. Right? Yeah.
And I guess the drummer was dating Drew Barrymore. Right? He was trying to get sober or something like that.
But they all ended up going into my room and eating all my pills. Yeah.
You know, cause I'm generous.

Yeah.

Fuck it.

Go get it. Right.

And then I heard that she was mad at me.

Cause you had that.

It's not your fault.

That's true.

It's not your fault that you had them.

I know.

That's true.

We can't,

you know,

it's weird to blame the dealer unless the dealer was like pushing them on you.

Were you pushing them on them?

Yeah.

Dude, I'm sorry if I'm being rude.

I feel now.

Am I being like.

Dude, what are you talking about, dude?

All right.

There's.

Listen, guy.

What?

What?

Okay.

Listen, guy.

Yeah.

What are you doing? I'm listening. Oh, that's you? Yeah, I'm listening.
If I'm really mad... Well, you know, because you didn't give me your number for a long time.
Yeah? But you know that when I have a resentment... I didn't know it also.
Yeah, you did. Fuck off.
All right. Yeah.
Fuck you, dude. You're right.
Yeah, yeah. If I was mad at you, I'm very comfortable of going, listen, I have an issue.
Have you ever had an issue with me? Be honest. Have you ever had a resentment toward me like, I wish he didn't do that? No, sometimes I feel like it's a little tough to try and get to know you kind of but I think it's tough to try and get to know comedians you know yeah but that being said I mean I'm a comedian right it's hard to know any comedian and I think you're people everybody loves you so much that it's like you want that guy to know you want to know that guy better I think you know dude I out of all the comics I know, I feel like I'm closest.

You're one of the closest ones to me.

And if that, I mean, I'm trying my best.

You know what I mean?

I like you.

I like Bert.

I like Whitney.

I love Andrew.

You know what I mean?

Tom, Segura.

You know what I mean?

But it's like, you know, I try, dude.

And you're busy.

Yeah, I'm pretty busy.

You know what I mean?

But it's like, you know, we do the best we can with what we have. Yeah what's going on, you know? You are a...
You are a... You are a...
You are a... You are a...
You are a... Baby! Baby! Baby! Donk! Donk! Donk! Are you a gun owner or not? Nah.
You're a gun owner? Nah, nah, nah, nah. You don't have a gun owner? Numchucks.
Why? Numchucks, dude. Chinese stars, dude.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do the Chinese stars.
Eh? Yeah. Ever use Chinese star? No, I never use it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, well, well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I lie, I lie.
No. That's not a real gun, dude.
What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a real...
Or is that one of those guns that starts a race? Yeah, but that is you idiot. Ready, set, go.
Like, yeah, yeah. No, um...
The burglars just run off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When you fire it. Yeah.
That's a plastic BB kind of a gun. What's the other one? Still a gun.
And that looks like a gun. Yeah, yeah, but that was on a TV show.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So, um... Wow.

Look at that acting.

That's Miami Vice, huh?

Fucking terrible.

No, Magnum.

Isn't it?

It was Magnum.

Um,

well, on what?

Have you been dating a lot or not?

All right, let's...

You want to get into it?

Yeah, because it seems like

a lot of stories you tell

have had dating in them.

I'm trying to...

Okay, um... I'm trying to find, to find the love of my life are you really? I think I'm ready okay, Bob you look like Stevie right now how are you doing? no, I listen, I'm I like some of the girls that I'm dating now but they're kind of flaky like you know like I won't call in on a Thursday because I know because I've said like let's go to dinner and hang out right and so then Thursday will come around like nah I don't want to do it now or I'm busy like Like, bitch, I sacrificed stage time.
You know how valuable stage time is? Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like that kind of shit.
And then it's like, yeah, I just, and also, do I fully trust them? You know what I mean? I think so, man. No, I want to be able to find somebody that I fully can confide in and go, this is how I feel, you know what I mean? And I want somebody to also give me suggestions or like feedback that I kind of honor and respect and go, oh yeah, that's a good, you know what I mean? Angle, you know what I mean? It's just like, but then also I want somebody hot, right? So to find that combination, you know what I mean? We want somebody you're attracted to.
Yeah, somebody I'm attracted to. Like, what I find attractive isn't necessarily what you think.
I think so, though. I think you and I like the same, maybe.
I don't know. You don't? No, I never...
The couple of girls I've seen you with over the years are people, I mean... Are people that I would be like...
I mean, there's this one girl that you used to see that I just thought you should marry, but. Yeah.
I remember. Hey, cool.
I love it, dude. Because I just saw regret there.
I just saw regret there, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just couldn't get it together. But that's the thing.
I think that you and I have the same kind of issues. I think we have intimacy issues.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
And I think that it's hard for us to get really vulnerable. I mean, I had that with Kalilah for 10 years.
But she was the first one in many, many years that I could do that with. There's just something about her that I was able to like – we were able to do that, right? But it's like – But did the intimacy freeze up after a while? Like it was hard to be like sensual or whatever? You know, the truth is, I think that...
Oh, God. I can't fucking...
I think it's this. You want me to say it or not? No, no, no, no.
What I want to say is... Don't say that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I want to say is the problem with us because, number one, we go up on stage, right?

And what's more exciting than that?

The business inherently is super exciting and there's dopamine hits.

Right.

I'm going to get a lot of feeling from right there.

Right.

And so then also you and I are also recovering drug addicts.

So we like excitement.

Right.

And we don't like the same old thing.

Right.

So there is something about meeting somebody new.

Right.

Right.

It's almost like you get that.

Yeah.

You get that forgetful syndrome.

It's like you.

Right.

Yeah.

But at the end of the day, and I'm going to, I've never said this out loud before and um i think i fucked it up with kalilah and i think that i wish i would have done it over again because i would have changed some things right at this point it's too late you know i mean we've both moved have moved on but um there's a lot of regret there i um and i i and i I swear to God, dude, I will, the next girl I meet that, and there's a couple of girls that have potential, I'll be honest with you right now. But the next thing, I'm going to do it differently.
Number one, I'm going to get rid of all my machines. Wow, really? Yep.

I have a vacuum cleaner.

And what is that, like a sex thing or something?

Oh, you mean an actual carpet cleaner?

No.

Dude, I showed up at Bad Friends one day,

and somebody had sent me something that, I swear to God,

is the size of a vacuum cleaner.

Right?

It was like this big.

Yeah.

With all these tubes and stuff.

It was a sex toy.

No.

Yeah.

Here we go. I swear to God, is the size of a vacuum cleaner.
Right? It was like this big.

Yeah.

With all these tubes and stuff.

It was a sex toy.

No.

Yeah.

Of course, I took it home.

And you used it?

I plugged in it.

Oh, dude, I have so many of them.

Oh.

I have so many of them.

And I stick it in.

And what does it play?

It just Beethoven's ear or whatever?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's a, right? And you doot doot doot. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. What? What? Doot doot doot.
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh.
Hey, put it on Christmas. Yeah.
Jingle bell, jingle bell I swear to God These new machines, dude It sucks you in, dude They never let go, dude I'm 80 days off pornography right now Wow, I'm gonna give you a machine, may I? No, please I don't want anything like that I know, but you gotta try it What does it do? It does three things. Okay.

Okay.

Not just one thing.

Okay.

All right.

Is it gas power?

You plug it in. No, it's not good.

No.

So the vacuum cleaner, I will probably not use again because I almost, I had to grab parts

of my penis inside the fucking little filter there, right?

But it took stuff out.

So it was too powerful.

Okay.

But I want to say this.

Okay.

I have one that I bought at the Hustler store.

Yeah.

Right.

And it does three things.

No, really just two things.

Thank you. Okay.
I have one that I bought at the Hustler store. Yeah.
Right. And it does three things.

Really just two things.

So it vibrates and sucks.

Wow.

Right.

And so, you know what I mean?

Does it sort coins?

I think it might.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, I think it might.

Yeah, yeah.

How long do you have to stay on it for eight seconds?

No, what I do is I, it's also waterproof. That's a key.
Yeah. Yeah.
But so... So, yeah, I know.
So the next relationship I met, that's what you do? It makes me just... No, Daddy, no.
Don't touch me there, Daddy. Who's Daddy? It hurts, but it feels good too, daddy.
Daddy sounds like a man, dude. What? Daddy sounds like a man, bro.
There better be a chick named Daddy. Yeah, don't do.
Do you miss your dad? Huh? Yeah, I miss my dad, dude. When did you die? What year did he die? Bring up a picture of my dad.

He died in

1996.

Do you miss him, though?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know.

Because I didn't, like...

Yeah, I miss him. I just wish that I knew him better, you know?

Do you miss your dad? Yeah, that's... Dude, you just hit it on the fucking nail On the coffin Was that the wrong way to say it? You hit the nail Here's the thing I don't know nothing about him Really? Because my dad didn't speak English Right? And I barely spoke Korean So.
So everything was like, for instance, you know, like when you're in high school, for instance, and you're going, let's say I was a white kid. I was going out and your dad gives you like a little pep talk, like, you know, don't drink and drive, right? Also, you know, if you're in trouble, give me a call or whatever they say, you know what I mean? But my dad didn't do that.
He would just go, I go, goodbye, dad. He'd go, don't do.
And I go, I won't do. I mean, that's it.
That's the, that's it. Yeah.
If I asked my dad, tell me about how you feel. I don't know.
You're good, but they don't like. And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah.
Yeah, what's your favorite pasta? Oh, I like, you know, it's very good. You know? Like he does, there's, dude.
So everything. Bro, bro, bro.
He never, bro. He didn't know what music was.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he didn't know what music was.
Yeah, dude. Right? So when he, he had a stroke, right? Oh, gosh, I didn't know that.
I knew your dad passed away. I don't know if he had a stroke, though.
Yeah, he had Right? So when he had a stroke, right? Oh, gosh. I didn't know that.

I knew your dad passed away.

I don't know if he had a stroke, though. Yeah, he had many strokes.

He had two major strokes and

a couple of many ones. Different strokes.
You ever seen that show?

Yeah, I love it, dude. Yeah, he had

two, you know, Willises.

What you talking about, Willis? You know what I mean?

Anyway, great show.

Oh, yeah, and one Mr. Drummond.

Yeah, dude. That's the one that really

shook him. So what was I? Oh, what I was saying?

Oh, so he had a bunch of strokes

Thank you. anyway um great show oh yeah and one mr drummond yeah that's the one that really shook him so what was i oh what i would say oh so he had a bunch of strokes and i had like um airpods and i was at his house in phoenix and i go um dad he's like you know he goes yeah i go will you listen to music for the first time i mean, obviously he's been in a mall and he's heard it, right?

But he doesn't know,

he doesn't have a fanfare band

or he doesn't know what Beethoven is or whatever.

And so I put in Eric Clapton's,

what's it?

Tears in Heaven.

Tears in Heaven.

I put it in.

Steve was there too, my brother.

And we've pushed play

and tears came down my dad's face no way it was the first time he goes dad beautiful wow it was incredible and then he died I didn't learn anything from the dude. But were you ashamed of him, it feels like?

You were embarrassed by him for some reason?

I hated him.

And, you know, I've told this story before, but not on this, I don't think.

When I was, I've told this a couple of times.

Do you mind if I tell this story?

Yeah, no, I haven't heard it.

Yeah.

I don't know it.

You know, who do I live with?

Your friends?

Noah.

I have cats.

Oh, yeah.

I have three cats.

Yeah, I think

you have a couple of cats.

Yeah.

And so when I was a kid,

I loved them.

Something about them.

The cats.

Just cats in general.

Yeah.

And when I was eight,

I go,

um,

could I get a cat?

And they got me a cat,

a kitten.

I named him Tommy.

And they wouldn't put him

in the house.

We put him in the garage

with like a little fence thing

in the garage.

That's fair.

Yeah.

Good compromise.

And then over the summer,

every day,

I just sat with Tommy

eight hours a day, however long. He was the love of my life.
And then one day, a couple of months later, three months later, I go to the garage. He's completely gone.
So, you know, I go, Mom, Dad. And they came in the garage.
I go, where's Tom? And my dad goes, Mommy, she allergic. And I go, uh-huh.
He's like, Tom gone. And he goes, stop crying.
And then he just left the garage. There was like no room for compromise or anything like whatever he's, that's why I hate authority figures.
Right? There was no room for discussion. I didn't know where Tom went.
Stop crying. Shut the fuck up.
And that's it. And that was the day where I looked at my parents and I went, okay, it's war.
It's war. I started doing drugs.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Raising hell.
Yeah, raising hell, lighting things on fire. I didn't go fuck.
Embarrass the family. Yeah.
And it's like, um, that's why if I, I mean,

if I had a kid,

I mean,

how would you approach that?

I was a kid.

Your,

your,

your wife is allergic to the fucking,

you know,

I mean,

cat and I'm your kid.

Be real.

I would probably,

don't do comedy.

Don't do comedy right now.

I would probably get a shit.

I'm your dad.

I'm your son.

Okay.

Hey,

Dan.

Bobby.

No,

no,

you don't have to.

Do it.

Sorry.

Just do it like me.

Wait,

wait,

you don't have to have an Asian accent. I don't know what country we're in.
No, no, no. You're you.
Okay. Got it.
I don't know where you're going to have an Asian accent. I don't know what country we're in.
No, we're in America. Who gives a fuck? Well, give me a setting then.
All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I have to be that specific? Yeah, you're just okay. You live in Nashville.
Okay. Your wife is white.
You're my son. Yeah, I'm not Asian.
All right. Make believe that I'm your biological son.
Okay. Right? Yeah.
Hey, Daddy. Hey, Chucky.
What's up? How was school, buddy? Chucky's good, Daddy. Chucky's good, daddy Yeah, daddy How was school, huh?

School was great, dad

I hear they're holding you back again

They're holding you back, you know, like fire like sun, daddy

Yes, sir

Hey, dude, gang him up

Gang him up, boy, I love you, Chuckie

Hey, daddy, gang him up

I know we had a cat here yesterday

Yeah, so where's Tommy?

Your mother's allergic to cats

Oh, so where's Tommy, daddy?

Mom gets sick

If we have cat, mom gets sick

Thank you. I know we had a cat here yesterday.
Yeah, yeah. So where's Tommy? Your mother's allergic to cats.
Oh, so where's Tommy, Daddy? Mom gets sick. I understand.
I understand. If we have cat, mom gets sick.
I know, but where's Tommy now? Tommy is going to be at your aunt's house, and you can go play with him in the afternoon. That's, dude, that's it.
That's what you're supposed to do. Now, your aunt drinks a lot of wine, and she gets a little handsy with the kids, you know? She gets what they call Franzia hands.
Yeah, Daddy, I don't need to know the specifics of, like, what my auntie's behavior is going to be like. Is she going to hurt? When she gets drunk, is she going to hurt Tommy? No, she just might love him as much as you do, Chuckie.
Because I know that my cousins have all black eyes because, you know. Your cousins are black.
That's why. Oh, they were adopted, Dad.
I forgot, Daddy. So you just got to roll with me here.
Yeah, yeah. I love black people, Daddy.
You taught me that. Amen, brother.
I'm going to go inside now. Can I come inside today? You relax out here.
Daddy, can I come inside today? You relax. I know.
Why do I have to sleep outside, Daddy? You don't. Just wait until the sun comes down.
Yeah, I'll sneak in again. Yeah.
All right, Daddy. But I wish I could just have my own room and stuff.
No, we're going to put some treats right out by the door for you, all right? We're going to put a craft singer out here. I love you, Daddy.
Love you too, boss. Gang him, Dad.
Gang. Gang, gang.
Pretty good. Yeah.
Pretty good, dude. Good dad, dude.
Pretty good, dude. You'll be a good dad.
How long have we gone? We'll finish up in a second. Halloween's coming up.
Well, let me know. Can we cut this part out? Yeah.
How's it going? This podcast? Yeah. I have no idea.
It's very funny. We're glad, man.
No, honestly, how is it going? I feel like I've been the worst I've ever been on this show. No, I swear to God, this is awesome.
It's been fun, man. Do you ever get that, though? Because, dude, you have to understand.
Monday, I did two hours with Bert. Then I did probably three fucking tiger bellies, which is like over an hour apiece.
You talk so much. You just fucking don't know at one point.
Dude, you and I have talked. Think about it.
Thousands of hours of nonsense. Yeah.
Fucking nonsense. Crazy, huh? Yeah.
And there's times where I'm sorry, you just kind of go, I don't even know what else to say anymore. Yeah.
You know what I mean? That's why we got to have experiences in the world so we can have more stuff to talk about or we have to talk about people that we can learn stuff from that have had experiences. Yeah, George.
George is here, my producer. Oh, he's great.
He's okay. And so George, he's changed a lot.

Oh, dude, so much.

But George, dude, it's like I've talked so much.

Are you trying to bleed me dry?

No, you're doing great.

This is the best ever.

Now that sounds like condescending, dude.

Yeah, it sounds like somebody.

He's the only guy that killed Elvis.

Remember his manager or whatever?

Snow Cone or whatever that dude's name was. What was his name? Snow Cone? Yeah.
You mean Tom Hanks' character? Yeah. Yeah.
Would you fuck Austin Butler? Would you fuck Austin Butler? Would I fuck Austin Butler? No, I'd fuck Elvis probably. Would you have fucked Elvis? I don't know.
Would you have? Cleopatra. Who was that? In the history of...
She was the Egypt queen. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's hard to know what she really looked like.
Yeah, that's true. But if you're going to travel all the way back in time, you got to smash, you feel me? I think you'd have an easier time smashing than me.
What about Frederick Douglass? The black guy? Smash or pass? Smash, smash for sure. Yeah.
Although he is he is probably, oh, look at him.

Do you think he has a gapey butthole or no?

Huh?

I don't know.

I heard he's got

an underground railroad.

That's insane.

That's insane

what you just said there.

We're going to hell.

No, no, but

I did hear that he was gay,

but I don't know that.

They should bring

that hairstyle back.

A lot of my black friends

are told that he enjoyed

the pleasures of men.

Dude, that hairstyle

has to come back.

Oh, yeah.

What is that?

It's like an afro, but conch? Conch? Conch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Conch? What's that hairstyle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's interesting. It's not really straightened, but he kind of combed the afro.
What is a conk hairstyle?

What is the conk hairstyle?

Yeah, there it is.

It's the conk hairstyle.

A conk is a hairstyle that was worn by some African-American men between 1940s and early 1960s. The name comes from the Congolene, a lye-based gel used to chemically straighten or relax hair.

Once straightened, people styled their hair into pompadours or wore it slicked back.

Yeah.

They have, it kind of has a look that maybe Bruno Mars would kind of be. Right, right, right.
Malcolm X did it a lot in his book. Bruno Mars is Filipino though.
In the Malcolm X book there's a lot of conk hairstyles. I could see Bruno having it, rocking it though.
What a talented man. Let's look at a couple TikToks and let's get Bobby on the road.
Anything new that's happening TikTok-ing?

Yep, we got a couple.

This is the, this stuff? Are you good at this stuff?

What is it? Like looking at stuff and then commenting on it?

Why do you do it?

Well, I like to show things that I'm amazed by.

Okay, listen, I want to be amazed.

This is a deaf rapper. Oh, shit.

MC Baba.

We're going to hell.

Very good, though.

What else we got, man? Hit me one more off of my faves that I starred. Oh, yeah, look at this.
I'm not saying they're taking our jobs, but look at it again, dude. Smoking.
Bro. What is going on, dude? What is going on, dude? Yeah, fumar, you know? Fumarkey mouse.
Yeah. I mean, dude.
Wow. There should be a rule.
Yeah, dude, there should be. What do you think the rule is? I think I want many in the costume to be a woman.
That's the number one rule. Yeah.
Yeah. What about a Mexican woman? That's fine, you know? That's fine with me, too.
Me, me. Yeah, but with a Mexican man who looks like the guy that works for Jimmy Kimmel, what's that security guard?

Oh, a Hortensio or whatever?

Yeah, that's him, dude.

Yeah.

I don't want that.

Yeah, that's like a tall Hortensio.

I don't want that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't have that.

One more.

Bring it up.

Oh, this is a marriage proposal.

This is crazy, bro.

This is what you got to do, Bobby, if you're going to meet someone.

Yeah.

It's a carjacking right wow take the husband

they take the husband yeah break all the car windows that's insane imagine dude oh you know what love is love love is love dude wow it's good to know you know what's funny? One time whenever we do this, we'll both be married.

We will.

We have to start to believe that, Bobby, because if we don't do it, then we never will be, man.

And it's going to get weird, bro.

Can we promise each other this?

We can do group vacations, like couple vacations.

Yeah.

If we're married.

And then when they're like girls are surfing or doing their little thing you and I can get together

hit a meeting chat

yeah that'd be fun

anyway it's really nice I'm gonna see you soon right

yeah I gotta do bad friends soon

alright thank you

I love you man

thank you I'm just floating on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves. I must be cornerstone.

Oh, but when I reach that ground, I'll share this peace of mind I found.

I can feel it in my bones.

But it's gonna take a little...