E527 Lobster

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I have some new tour dates to tell you about. These are new.
I'm going to let you know Colorado Springs in the Colorado, October 23rd. Casper, Wyoming, October 24th.
Billings, Montana, October 25th. And Missoula, Montana on October 26th.
Looking forward to getting into that beautiful part of America. Also, we have shows this weekend las vegas august 30th and 31st then bend oregon spokane portland vancouver oklahoma city northern little rock springfield kansas city sioux falls lacrosse cross green bay moline lafayette in Beaumont, Texas.
Get all your tickets at theovon.com slash T-O-U-R. And thank you so much for supporting live comedy.
And make sure you go through that link. Otherwise, you'll end up on a secondary site.
And those aren't the prices that we are charging. Gang.
Hope everybody's well today. I was touching my legs earlier.

I never touch, I, I know, you know, I realized as I get older, I never touch my legs. I just, you know, I'll touch the top of them a little bit.
Rarely do I just, I put my hands just along my entire leg on each one, and it just, I enjoyed it.

I enjoyed it.

So good to be here, and I hope you're having a good day. What's going on? We just did a run of shows up through Connecticut and Maine and then out to Moncton, which is in New Brunswick, which nobody, most people didn't know existed, to be honest with you.

Nothing against them.

People just, nobody knew.

And then we went out there to halifax and just beautiful beautiful in the summertime that whole stretch and you know and i and people like they like lobster out there i noticed that people like lobster and at first you know you get like it's interesting because as you go along that coast up there it gets you know how people communicate about lobster gets it changes i noticed that for sure um like you're if you're in providence rhode island a guy will run up with a gun and be like hey you want some fucking lobster you know but as you get for if you if you you know it's it gets less aggressive and just more like into the word as you get up towards maine you know they're like lobster you want some lobster and then uh bang about to bangerman

like you want some lobs they just keep saying like everybody like i don't care if you say it or not but everybody you talk to wants to talk about lobster and then you get further out to new bronzewick and halifax and they're just like, yeah, I want some lobster.

You want some lobster. And it just, I'm amazed how just, I guess I'm amazed how much people love lobster.
and that's just that it's involved in every conversation as you go up that stretch of the country and of the nation and of the world. And we'll put some of it up on a map so you can see what I'm talking about.
But everybody, it's just like you want some some lobster no matter who you're talking to they're like yeah we're going to um have some lobster you know tip where tiffany's having a baby and so somebody's cutting up a over there so just fascinating to witness that and just we were really on the up on that lobster trail up there. So just fascinating to witness that.
And just, we were really on the, up on that lobster trail up there. But beautiful to see in the, God, it's just like nature is just showing her cooter up there.
It is, that whole area is just like, God dang. Mother nature got some new tits.
You feel me feel me it's just like that that kind of vibe up there so um that was beautiful we got to do that what else um went to a farmer's market uh yesterday i don't know if you've been to one of those recently um there's there's, we get there, there's a guy like selling a mitten, you know, he had one mitten or whatever. And he's, he's trying to, he was saying like, well, if you have, once the one hand is warm, then you put it on the other hand.
I'm like, I just, if I'm doing mittens, dude, I'm doing both mittens. You know, I'm not trying to be like a creep or whatever, but I just, I want to, I want to do both mittens.
I don't want to, you know i'm not trying to be like a creep or whatever but i just i want to i want to do both mittens i don't want to you know i don't want to be some guy who's just swapping putting a you know changing his mitten onto a different hand each day or each 40 minutes or whatever so that was like a concept a guy had this guy like one mitten andy or whatever his name was. He had like a little booth in that.
They just have the weirdest shit, you know. They had a guy selling secondhand tomatoes.
And I'm like, dude, I don't want, I just want tomato. I just, I want my own tomatoes.
You know, I want tomatoes that have no mileage on them. When I get that bitch, I don't want a bunch of old fingerprints on it.
Or like, you know, I don't want the tomato. I don't want to look at the tomato and it remembers its old family or whatever.
I just want the tomato for the first time, you know. And I feel like at farmer's markets, that's the stuff you get, you know, you get like a lot of, like, you just get like a lot of crazy stuff at farmer's markets.
You know, you'll get, um, they had to do with like a bunch of lamb eggs or whatever. Like he, he, he had like 11 lamb eggs.
And I'm like, how do you even egg a lamb? How do you even get an egg out of a lamb? You'll see some dude who had like the freshest milk or whatever. It's like fresh milk is so, so fucking fresh, you know? And there's like, like the most naturist dude is like, just has milk just pouring down his fucking chest and um

and it's just like thick milk and uh and if you put your ear up to the little jug of jar of milk or whatever um you can hear the cow with you know it's that fresh you can hear or like the cow just being like,

this is my milk or whatever.

Just real super fresh stuff over there. Everything is like farm to table.
They had farm to table tables. They had actual tables.
I was like, damn, that's farm to table. you know and then there's like little tents where like there's like bitches selling whispers and shit and you're like what and yeah for like three dollars some bitch will whisper to you so that was crazy they had everything there they had like paleolithic eye drops or some dude with a baby Bjorn with like a dachshund in it or something.
And he's just giving him just fresh milk, boy. And he just, just bottle feeding a fucking dachshund, some dude.
And yeah, and they have like real farmers and stuff. And then they have just like, like lesbians that get up early or something that are saying that they're farmers or whatever.

It was, I don't know.

It was just, it was a farmer's market, man.

You've been there.

They got carrots.

They got fucking, you know, you can get your name carved in a carrot or something.

You know, Scotty was here or something, 1997 or something. know uh scotty was here something 1997 or something you

know just shit like that they'll do that kind of shit like carrot carvings uh you know there's people they'll fucking there's some girl with big lips and she'll just suck earwax right out of your skull for fucking nine bucks

that kind of stuff man

so that was

that

that was that that was uh yeah that was i guess kind of some of what's been happening a lot of touring thank you to everybody that's come out recently um i'm a little tired today i'm going to like a wellness retreat for a few days. So I'm looking forward to that.

What else? Well, there's more. We'll talk about it, man.
We'll talk about it in just a second. I want us to get into the episode.
So, yeah, I feel a little all over the place, but that's okay. You know, that's sometimes how we feel.

And, yeah, I just, I wanted to, yeah, to just spend time today, baby.

Praise God.

Let's get into it.

Gang, baby.

This is There is a Light. There is a light shining for you.
Guiding your way. Helping you through.
Shadows and gloom are all that you see. We'll find a place where we can be free.

Gang, baby, that is There is a Light by the Stone Keepers featuring David Manuel.

And if you like that music or that style of music, then you like it, and that's okay. What's going on? Been a, yeah, been a, quite a time.
I went to professional bull riding the other night, and I've been involved in some pretty, you know, some naughty stuff, baby. You know what I'm saying? I've done some things with some ladies that you definitely, you know, you'd cover the kids' eyes type of behavior, but I've never seen any of the, I don't want to call it romance or whatever that's going on,

but they just, because they get these young fellas, a lot of them,

and they put them on these animals' backs.

And I don't know if the bulls are male or female.

That's the part that, you know, because I'd ride a, you know,

I've been on some thick things, baby, but, you know, and that's,

Thank you. you know, because I'd ride a, you know, I've been on some thick things, baby, but, you know, and that's, hell, that's, you know, if you don't, if you can't afford heat, baby, that's what you got to do, baby, you know, a thick girl, baby, that's just that wiener mitten, baby, if it's winter, you know, that it is what it is, baby, that's love, that's the dang lord's freaking love baby um but uh what was i saying oh yeah but i don't so yeah i don't know if there's any i guess there's no eroticism in it but i'm sure for some of the fans there is um but watching that was fascinating my buddy matt west he's been on this podcast before, um, him and Jess Lockwood came on and, uh, he invited me over there to PBR to watch the, uh, watch the games go on.
And it was fascinating, man. It's great.
If you get to go do that or rodeo, you know, I talk about that a lot. I love those events um and i'm surprised that there's not more gay men watching rodeo i think you know especially for the times when it's a male rider on a male um animal because you can't see that kind of you know you got to pay a lot of money to watch some illegal shit, you know, some illegal streams probably to see some of the stuff that's you can almost witness or imagine when you see some of these fellows, you know, just, I mean, just riding these animals.
God. And it's, yeah, it's like, I don't know, some of it, some of it's a lot, but yeah, what else, dude? We went to interview Donald Trump and that was crazy, bro.
I'm like, we go up there and there's like a lot of secret service getting into, it was at Bedminster golf course. So there's a lot of secret service getting in there.
So you got to stop here and this guy kind of touches your pockets or whatever. And this guy, you know, somebody's reading your ribs or whatever.
They got a mystic out there reading your ribs. They got to, um, you know, people patting you up one dude's patting you up i'm like oh this guy's you know obviously doesn't have a wife um and so yeah you stop there's a couple locations you got to stop and get frisked and patted and wanded and wizarded and um yeah they just ask you craziest questions you know like they'll be like uh what's your middle name you know and then they'll be like oh does your mother fuck a lot and you're like what all right you know they but they're trying to you know see where you're at and see if you know anybody from rush or whatever and i had like 40 minutes from when i got there to when it was time to do the interview so only had a limited amount of time and i of time, and I had my clothes with me.
I had my suit coat, and I had two shirts. I had one pair of boots, one pair of regular shoes, and a bathroom kit, hairspray, just to look the best that you you could and i was super nervous to get in the room and i'm just kind of making sure you know the producers uh zach and nick are there um my tour manager bizzel is there um my right hand man and so we were you know just getting everything like organized and making sure it all looks you know just, um, just like we normally do making sure everything is legitimate.
And, and then they had, and they had like the flags in the background. I'm like, Holy shit, bro.
We are, you know, we are, well, this is like the damn pledge of allegiance came to life, bro. It was, you know, it just felt super real at that moment and there's like a um there was a secret service guy and kind of over just like in one corner of the room i believe it was it was just a guy and and he was kind of by the near the restroom and so i was like i'm kind of afraid to go piss or whatever because i didn't want you know i don't know if they if they're like listening to you piss or whatever i don't know what they're everything that they do or whatever you know if he's like thinks i'm like you know using pp or piss or whatever to do like morse code into the water or something you know i i don't know all their training or whatever so So I'm like super scared in there.
And I was, I, yeah, I, um, ended up just peeing in what they had a, uh, cup, like a red solo cup that I brought in there with me. I peed in it and then just poured it into the toilet, dude, like along the side of the toilet wall.
So it would be real quiet. You know, I just, I was kind of, I think I was getting super was getting super paranoid and then um so anyway it starts to get like uh we talk with his advisors people start to kind of come in just to make sure everything's cool um and this room has all been like uh searched or whatever and uh you know drug dog bomb dog uh sword i think they had a sword dog come in um two dogs just came in we're like who the fuck are these dogs dude you know and one of them ate a thing of peanut butter crackers that uh my buddy had but um so anyway so we're sitting there and like know, I'm going through like my questions and my thoughts and, you know, uh, and yeah, I was just nervous.
It's like, you know, uh, yeah, I was just kind of mostly I was just nervous. I think, you know, I'd met, uh, Donald Trump before a few times, uh, at UFC and, um, I'd met his sons enough so that, you know, right when I saw him, I could say, Hey, you know, I met you with Dana White.
And yeah, so he comes in and I've kind of walked over after he came in. Cause he was like, not in the little place where we're shooting yet.
And just like, you know, said, Hey and um just let him know i was thankful for his time and and then we sat down and sorry if this is getting boring i'm just trying to think uh we sat down and yeah and then yeah we just went through the interview you know um and i thought one thing that was nice i thought it was nice that he said that his uh son um had had uh had been the plug to have me come in you know um i know dana white had had obviously helped a ton and made it happen but um that he'd asked his son is this a guy's uh podcast that i should do so i thought that was kind of neat just to know that he like you know checks in with his son baron or whatever about um about different stuff you know uh so that was that was yeah it was cool it just went so fast i only had a kind of a limited amount of time and it went so fast and the next and you know, we had to wrap it up. And I was like, I was cool.
It just went so fast. I only had a kind of a limited amount of time and it went so fast.

And the next thing you know, we had to wrap it up. And I was like, I couldn't, I wanted to ask like one more good question, but I didn't know what to ask.
And I know that, sorry, I'm saying um a lot, guys. I think I'm nervous even reciting this for some reason.
I think I just feel, yeah, I just feel like a lot. I think I just feel like a lot of energy or something.
I'm not sure. I feel kind of activated, I guess.
That's where I'm at today. So, oh, so I had one more question and I wanted to ask him, Michael Jackson used to live in one of the buildings that he owned.
So I wanted to ask him about that because, you know, we've been trying to learn about Michael Jackson. So yeah, that was it.
And then it went pretty quick and then he had to go do something. There was some, you know, the next thing that he had to go do.

And then some of the workers came up that worked at the golf course.

And we walked around and took some photos.

I got to meet Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared, which was pretty cool.

And it's rich there, dude.

They got a nice, they got a pool

where all the umbrellas are nice.

You know what I'm talking about?

The umbrellas are nicer than,

it's the kind of umbrella where they take it away

when the rain comes.

You ever been in somebody's place like that?

Like when it rains, they put the umbrellas away

because they don't want them to get messed up.

And it's like, well, that's its job.

So there you go. You ever been in somebody's place like that? Like when it rains, they put the umbrellas away because they don't want them to get messed up.
And it's like, well, that's its job. So they had nice umbrellas.
They were like probably 200 thread counter 700. And yeah, and the umbrellas, I think had a special pattern on them or something.
This was what somebody was telling me, one of the security guys was telling me there's a special pattern on the umbrellas where birds will not defecate on that on that umbrella if they're passing by because it's like an optical illusion or something so I thought that that was pretty cool man when you got enough money or enough nice stuff where you're you know the birds aren't even shitting on you you're like damn that's nice you know and that's crazy to know that just because if you're, you know, the birds aren't even shitting on you. You're like, damn, that's nice.
You know, and that's crazy to know that just because if you're poor, the birds shit on you. So that was like, that kind of blew my mind.
I was like, damn, I want to make enough money one day where the bird, where, where, you know, I'm free of these, you know, these chains of bird shit or whatever that bind us. What else was interesting about it? I'm not trying to brag about it.
I just think that some people would think that it's interesting. You know, I wanted to talk with him.
I wanted to learn more about just his family a little bit if I could. Yeah, I wanted to ask that Michael Jackson question and I forgot.

I wanted to ask if he thought that he had a better chance of running against Biden or Kamala. And then I just wanted to talk to him.
I know he had a brother that passed away from alcoholism and I wanted to just to talk about that,

just to learn about it a little bit and and see what that was like you know because i know that a lot of times we talk about that stuff on here and if people if there's a way to talk about it with people so but yeah i was super nervous it even makes me think even thinking about it, uh, I wore like a suit coat or something. Um, and that made me, you know, that just makes you fucking nervous.
You, you know, you just feel like a damn stuffed animal when you put those things on, you feel like just a little teddy bear or something, you know, you feel like you're just supposed to do, you know, like you're just supposed to get angry at your secretary or something and then cheat on your spouse or whatever. You just feel like you just can't handle it kind of shit.
Like those jackets kind of make me feel like that too, but I wanted to be respectful. It's definitely a respectful environment.
And I'd never gotten to talk to a president. I'd gotten to see one kind of in passing, but it was just fascinating.
So that was fascinating, man. And then, oh, this was one thing that was really cool.

So afterwards, there's a restaurant at the golf club in Bedminster. You know, it's really, I mean, it's beautiful.
But the grass all looks like it actually went to super cuts. You know, not like just somebody did it with a mower it's like so you know like somebody you know it's like the the lawn looks like it waited in a chair for its appointment with a barber it's just nice and um oh and there's secret service this is the craziest part so there's people playing golf and then there's just secret little setups of secret service people with, I don't know if they're cannons or whatever, you know, hand cannons or something, you know, artillery just placed in different spots.
So, yeah, I think you just got to be careful where you hit your ball over there. But so there's a restaurant.
So we go up there and I'm sitting and I'm eating dinner. Before I have to leave, I'm getting some dinner with one of his staff members.
And we're sitting at a table. It's just me and him.
The guy I've been communicating with, his name is Alex. Nice guy.
Really creative guy. And then Trump comes up for dinner at some point.
I didn't know this. And they play the song Proud to be an American when he comes up right which is kind of it's crazy you know it's a vibe and and uh but they play it and so the song so everybody's standing up and kind of clapping and um and you think the song's over right it's a kind of a long song and then it's like you think it's like over and then it's like and i'm proud it does it one more time you're like all right let's go for this ride again and then he sits there he keeps at his table he keeps the ipad with the aux cord or whatever and so throughout the meal he's just playing songs you know he played oh what did he play He played some poison, think unskinny bop at one point i think trying to remember um he played oh during soup they played uh trick daddy which i thought was that was awesome you know i've never had soup to trick daddy and then uh baby because i'm a thug and then oh at dessert i that during dessert they played smooth criminal which i thought was the best thing ever bro uh so anyway the whole thing was it was just interesting you know it was like and it all happened so fast and then I left immediately to the airport.

So it just all happened so fast.

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And we thank BetterHelp for supporting this podcast. yeah and that's what went on man you know that was the interview and

um what else oh something that great that was that happened recently we got to go over to stowe vermont and go swimming they had like a beautiful uh it's like a beautiful town if you've never been there it's really great even in the summer i think it's a skiing place but apparently the skiing i think is like, it's really great. Even in the summer, I think it's a skiing place.

But apparently the skiing, I think, is like East Coast skiing, whatever that means.

I'm not sure what it means.

But during the summer, it's nice.

They have all these places you can swim and cliffs.

And we went fishing up on this kind of small mountaintop or this really high hill. Yeah, that was pretty magical.
I'd never gotten to be in that area. So that was pretty stunning to be up there and just be even close to where people start talking about lobster.
Yeah, it's like however you can say, whoever says lobster, the deepest is like the best person in town or whatever. It gets to be the mayor.
Once you get into Maine and up there out in, you know, that Eastern Canada, it's like, every now and then there'd be like a Mexican guy and he'd be like, love's dirt. And he'd be like, hey, love's dirt.
And he'd be like, ha ha ha, this guy, he's doing it differently you know cause there's the old fashioned white guy who's like love her and then you'd have the Mexican guy that's like hey love her you know hey que paso que lost her um and then you'd have a brother in there and be like, lost, dog. Lost, dog.

Lost, dog.

Where these hoes at?

Lost, lost, dog.

So anyway, that's what's going on over here.

You ever had a lobster?

Riley Mao, you ever had any lobster?

I have.

Nice, brother.

And where'd you have it?

Is that a traditional food In your Aquarium or whatever

It is not

Okay

Okay and where'd you have it at

Buddy bear

I had it up in Boston

Oh yeah

That's where they'll

Punch the fucking lobster to death

They

They

They fucking fist cook it

They'll be like

Get it get it get it

They hit it 45 times in a row

Thank you. Lobster to death.
They fucking fist cook it. They'll be like, get it, get it, get it.

They hit it 45 times in a row, you know?

That's where some girl up there will give a lobster,

freaking BJ wearing a Kevin Ucliss jersey or something, you know,

or a Dustin Pedroia jersey, and she's up there BJ in a lobster.

Was it good up there, buddy? It was. Nice, man.
What's been keeping you busy, Riley, now? Just working. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
And you're feeling good. How's your health and your body and everything? Really good.
Really good. And how do you know if you're healthy what signs do you get from your body um you know just if i feel good i feel good all righty um anything new in the dating world uh kind of yeah Yeah, what you got, you little squirrel buddy? What happened? Well, back in March, I had a little incident with a girl.
You had an incident? And you mean like was cops involved or it was? No, it was more I met her at a bar and then went home with her that night.

Whoa, whoa, bro.

And where was the Lord, brother?

That's what I want to know.

He was up there.

Wow.

Okay, bet, man.

All right, we'll come back. I want to talk to you about it in just a minute, man.

I want to take a couple of calls.

I want to look through a little bit of news here.

What happened?

I see Trump brought out RFK Jr. in Arizona.

We got to have Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump come on.

I loved Bernie Sanders.

I felt like he got really just screwed over by his party. I thought that that was really messed up.
I'd always hoped that they would have had a Trump and Sanders ticket. I thought that that would have been interesting.
You know, I know people don't like politics and stuff, and I'm not. I don't really care who people support.
You know, I think it's good to vote for sure. I sometimes wonder what our vote means anymore, but that's out of our control right now.
You just do the best you can and you go vote. That's what I feel like for me.
I'm not telling anybody to do. You do whatever you want.
But I thought this was interesting though.

Oh, because I always thought it would be interesting

if you had like whoever didn't win the presidency

should be the vice president.

That way you still, you have to have like a,

not an enemy, but somebody who has different views

in your same thing so that you guys have to negotiate and figure out the best thing for everyone. That's something that I always kind of wished, that that's the way that things were.
So if a Republican won, then the Democratic nominee was the vice president, And if the Democratic won, then the Republican nominee was the vice president.

I always thought that that would be interesting because then it creates constant,

constantly where it would seem like you're having to work together to get a solution on different topics and stuff.

But I'm novice and things like that. I don't know.

But yeah, getting to meet with Bernie was amazing as as well i'll talk more about that next week um what else was i thinking oh but trump brought out rfk jr you know and i love bobby kennedy you know he and i've been friends for years uh he is people can think whatever he's an awesome guy you know he's, he's just a good guy. He's, he's, I feel like he's just dedicated.
He cares. He's smart.
Um, and I think he wants wellness for people. And so that's why I think it was pretty fascinating that, um, that Trump offered him a spot if, if he gets the election and the Democrats kind of shot themselves in the in the uh in the wiener or the trans wiener or whatever people have to have now i'm not claiming anybody has anything but because they should have you know they didn't really make it they made it so hard on bobby to get on the ballots that he didn't really have a choice except to um kind of join a side with the hopes and the promise, it seems like, that he will get to be in charge of or spearhead the things that he cares about most, which are people's health and getting like big pharma out of our bodies, you know, and out of our influence and everything, I guess.
I don't know. I'm rambling.
I'm going to get off politics now because people have different thoughts about it. But anyway, I just thought that that was interesting.
It's funny because it seems like Trump is just being different. You know, even when you saw like when he brought out Bobby Kennedy, he like, it was just more, it's felt more thoughtful than he had like spoken in the past.
You know, I don't know, just seemed kind of interesting. But I thought that that was, that that's super that, that Bobby has a chance to get a job or not a job job but a uh because he doesn't need a job but but that he has a chance to get like to do what he really cares about I thought that that was pretty super so um and then people you know you know people say oh well you know, people often refer to Trump as like a shady businessman.
But it's funny because politics now, it's not like who's the best person or anything anymore, really. Politics, the whole thing is a shady business.
It's a dirty fucking business that's compromised at every corner. It's not about who's the best.
It's, it's, it's about the, it's so you need a dog in there. I think that's one thing I'm realizing you need a dog in there because yeah, politics is just a dirty business.
So yeah, you don't you don't you don't hire a peacekeeper to do a thug's job.

I know that.

So, anyway, what else happened? There's a U.S. pilot, it says here, who took magic mushrooms and tried to cut the engines while they were in midair, I guess.
Oh, this is pretty interesting. an alaskan airlines pilot who attempted to shut off the engines of a passenger plane mid-flight after ingesting magic mushrooms said his actions were unfathomable in some of his first public remarks after he was indicted on 83 counts of reckless endangerment.
Wow. Unless he was listening to that song, I Just Wanna Fly by Sugar Ray.
If he played that while he did it, that's kind of a vibe. I don't know.
I've never been a pilot on drugs. What else? The Taliban says he wants people to visit Afghanistan.
I'm good. I'm good.
And yeah, that's what we got, man. We're going to get to some calls here in just a second, and then we'll check back in with Riley Mao and see what's going on, baby, and seeing if that little bust guppy has some, if he's been churning that butter, baby, you know what I'm saying? If he's been buttering that lobster.
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Save 25% at Tommyohn.com slash theo save 25 at tommyjohn.com slash theo see the site for details you know when i started podcasting online the furthest thing from my mind was having a shop you know we have a shop online where we sell different shirts and merchandise that relates to the podcast. And in the beginning, we sold one shirt and we sold it out of a basement near Akron, Ohio.
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Go to shopify.com slash t-h-e-o now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in shopify.com slash theo all right let's take a couple calls here and as always the hotline is 985-664-9503 um yeah and sorry i'm all over the place today guys i'm it's it uh last week was just it was crazy man you know it was crazy um and uh yeah everything's good i'm just looking forward to having a break. So here we go.
Hi, Theo. I am calling from Nashville, Franklin, Tennessee.
Nashville, Tennessee, baby. Beautiful area.
Small city. Big town.
Can't cheat on your wife. Not that kind of place.

Somebody will know.

Onward.

I have a little story slash issue I wanted to get your thoughts on. I have a friend who has been dating this guy for three months.

And she already doesn't have a whole lot lot of security not a whole lot of money um and now she's just revealed to me that this guy is um he is homeless so i just wanted to get your thoughts on that yeah well guys are homeless you there's guys, sometimes you see them,

and they don't have a home around them.

You know, and that's the guys we're talking about.

Yeah, look, first of all, if she's dating a homeless guy,

and she's probably, I'm guessing they're probably making love if they've been dating for three months,

then, you know, a vagina is just a little home bro you know i'm saying it's just a studio apartment for your wiener baby and so it's a start you know so it may not have the square footage that he's looking for but i think it's a a start. And so I'm just glad to see that.
I mean, nothing will make that dude want to get a home more probably. You know, I mean, definitely.
Dude, I touch a nice tit. I want to make sure, you know, I want to buy a damn Jeep Cherokee or something.
You know, you want to get something, you know, it makes you want to, you know, keep trying. So praise God to that.
And I'm glad that she's out there servicing those boys. You know, I see some homeless guys.
A lot of times I give them a dollar, but I'd love to give them, you know, half a can of Peugeot or something, you know, that they could, you know, that they, you know, that they'd really enjoy or something. They should have a dang can Peugeot.
so you could just you know, that they could, you know, that they, you know, that they'd really enjoy or something.

They should have a dang can, so you could just, you know, you know, crack open a can and give it to,

you know, Big Samuel or whoever, you know, whoever's, who's over there just, you know, just nibbling on his own sweater and hoping God sees him, you know, praise God, baby.

Let's take another call here. Hey, Phil.
First time caller to this podcast or any podcast. Thank you for the call, brother.
And as always, the hotline is 985-664-9503. Onward.
I wanted to call in and say,

I thought you did a really good job with the Bernie Sanders interview.

I thought your questions were well-prepared and smart.

I thought that you raised sort of good counterpoints to some of Bernie's ideas that I feel like,

you know,

people might want to hear addressed overall,

just a really strong interview.

Thanks for doing it. Thank you, man.
Yeah. I appreciate it, dude.
I was so excited. I mean, I was, um, yeah.
Uh, yeah. I'll talk about that a little more next week about what the exact experience was like, but, um, yeah, I was just, yeah, it was crazy, you know, cause here's a figure that I thought was really neat, and, you know, I admire some of his policies, and, you know, and some people can say, well, these guys are all shills for this, and I don't know about all that, you know? I know that politics is very dirty, and I know that even these men will say that democracy is, it's money-based, So it's bought and paid for.
I mean, you know, but yeah, I liked, well, some stuff that I learned from talking with Bernie, I was able to ask Trump about, you know, so it really helped me. But I like, I just like his vitriol.
It just, you know, I like seeing a, you know know my dad was really old when I was a kid so that's my reference for I mean Bernie you know Bernie's the age how old is Bernie Sanders Riley he is 82 he's 82 yeah so when I was 12 my father was 82. So I see him, you know, just like, you know, I think there's, um, I don't know.
I, there's something about, I don't know. I can't explain it exactly, but so to see those men still, you know, going and doing things and having determination, um determination for things that they believe in.

And then I choose to believe

that they believe in them.

And yeah, I don't know.

There's something about it

that's awesome to me.

So yeah, thank you, bro.

It was definitely,

what was that like?

It was so, he just, I'll talk about it next week. I'll talk about it next week, man.
Next Tuesday's episode, I'll talk about it a little bit. But yeah, I just, I can't even believe it.
You know, I got to see these folks and have them come on. And yeah, and you know, the simple fact about the healthcare, it's just, it's sick.
it there's a it's a huge scam and everybody we're all just living in this scam and our politicians aren't protecting us it's unbelievable so that shit gets me activated bro you know when people are sick and you take advantage just just uh but thank you bro not trying to get into policy or, you know, I don't know about policy. What else? Let's do one.
Here we go. Hey, this is Richard Aiton from Mississippi.
Hey, Richard from Mississippi, brother. Welcome, brother.
A long time fan first time caller and i i just had a thought yesterday i was you know i was on the lake i was surfing having a good old time and we're we're driving by and i see this woman on this pontoon boat and i i'm telling you she may be weighed a buck 50 but those breasts probably took up 125 pounds of it and and i looked at her and i didn't even get aroused per se i just thought i was like man you need to get on my credit score you know you ever seen a woman that's so beautiful a rack so nice whether it be a man a woman or hell if you're into it maybe a damn animal that just you know makes you want to feel like you got to better yourself and seek opportunities in life like something that makes you know that you want to go for that promotion amen man uh yeah thank you for calling especially from out on the water and um yeah i was just saying i was just we're just talking about this we're just talking about uh you know something that just keeps you in the game you know riley what were we what were we just saying about um i was just you know i'm talking about correlating something with this guy's call i'm not sure all right um shit i can't remember but yeah dude sometimes you see, sometimes you see like that. Some girl have that dang Mount Chesmore.
She'll just have a, she'll have damn four presidents and two tits, you know? And you're like, God, you know, for those about to rock, we salute you. It's just, that's a thing, boy.
She'll have those fucking peanut butter falcons on her, baby. God, baby.
She'll have those fucking land bears. You know what I'm talking about? Those just huddled up in Herber Nation, baby.
Them things just staying warm for winter, boy. She'll have them fucking milk lobsters.
God, baby. You just want to fucking baptize a mule in the milk of those things, brother.
You just want to fucking wash a little man's ass with that. With the beautiful splash that comes out of those bad dogs.
God. All right.
Sorry. I'm falling apart here but everybody's okay.
Let's take another call here. Hey, CEO.
This is John from Kansas City. Hey, John.
Thank you for calling. And I got a question for you.
So my dad is currently, you know, doing that powder,

and he's been doing it for a while now.

He'll get these episodes where he's just angry,

and I don't know what to do about it.

So I've always, I want to try to figure out how to help him get back to normal get back to being the dad that i remember because it's scary but anyways i just wanted to see your thoughts about it see if you can maybe you know give me some insights on what i should do gang man um thanks for calling dude uh yeah i'm sorry that your dad's going through that you know i don't know if he's an addict or if it's just something that he's doing for fun but obviously it's affecting you i think yeah i mean maybe just try to sit and talk with him and say dad i feel like you know don't accuse, hey, you know, maybe I feel like this is something that's going on. You know, do you feel like that's something you want to be doing or do you feel like it's a problem? You know, I don't know.
You know, the only things, the only way that I have had success is through 12-step recovery. That's the only way I've had success.
I've had some relapses, but that's the main way that I've found sobriety in my life. They have NA, Narcotics Anonymous, for drug use.
And there's probably even a CA for cocaine use.

There is.

So I don't know.

Maybe you could offer to go to a meeting with him.

Maybe you could go to a meeting and ask some people there

if they had any suggestions.

But yeah, just let him know that you care you know uh

and then you know you could even ask him if he doesn't want to talk about it you could

ask him hey is it okay to ask you about it again you know in a few weeks or something is it okay

if i check back in with you about this because even then you're opening a little bit if he's

willing to say yes you're opening a little bit of a door you know because people have to be willing to get help for themselves i think and i'm not preaching this is just um some of my own experience and things that i've seen um we have to be willing to get help for ourselves but sometimes I'll notice like if like if like I have a friend that's used that trick on me before and it's a trick really but it's not really you know he asked me about something if I was having a problem with something he's like do you want to talk about it I don't want to be like, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to talk about it. But then he'd be like, hey, is it okay if I talk to you about it again, if I ask you about it again sometime? Can I check back in with you about it again in a few weeks? I want to make sure you're okay.
And by saying, and I would agree to that, and by agreeing to that, it's slowly making me a little bit willing to hear something different, right? Because that's all that an addict needs is willingness. They just have to get a little willing, and then willingness will grow, right? So sometimes that's a way that you can maybe, you know, I'm not trying to trick your dad, but it's also a way where you can create a way, hey, I'm going to check back in about this and then when you do check back out in with an addict it reminds them oh this person cares and um and connection is the is the is really the is one of the biggest remedies for addiction is connection.

So anyway, I'm not sure if some of that makes sense,

but you want to get a little bit of willingness out of somebody.

So sometimes if you get a no, it's like,

hey, can I check back in with you about it?

But I'm sorry you're going through that, man,

and I'm happy that you care about your dad.

And I bet he's not happy about it. You you know and he probably doesn't know where to start um but yeah it's you know people have to want to help themselves but sometimes we can um we can help plant a little bit of seed of willingness by creating some patience and a chance for a little bit of mild accountability in the sense like, Hey, can I check back in with you? So anyway, man, I love you brother.
And, uh, hang in there and, um, we'll holler, man. I'm gonna, I'm coming to Kansas city.
And if you want to bring your dad out to a show, I'm happy to get you guys some tickets. We don't have to say anything about this, but that'd be my treat, man.
Let's see if we can get one more call. Hey, Theo.
This is Alex from Little Olena, Wisconsin. Hey, Alex, from up there in Wisconsin, brother.
And glad you're here with us today, brother. Onward.
I'm calling here with some good news today. Today, at the date of this call, at this exact time, my mother is 100% cancer-free.
She texted me, she said she rang the hell out of that bell. I thought I should just...
Let's go, baby! I'm upstairs! Gang, dog! Congratulations, man. Wow.
I can hear the relief in your voice, man. I want to play it again.
I want to hear it again. Today, at the date of this call, at this exact time, my mother is 100% cancer-free.
She texted me. She says she rang the hell out of that bell.
Let's go. I thought I should just bless your day with some good news, just as I was.
And, yeah, man, I just want to say I listen to your podcast every day at work.

Get me through it, man.

I appreciate what you do.

Me and my girlfriend are going to see you in Green Bay.

Come to Green Bay.

And she surprised me with tickets, which I was very grateful for.

She's amazing. All right, well, will praise god baby gang gang gang wow dude that's awesome man wow sound like you got really two really great women in your life man it sounds like you choose well um man that's so cool man yeah that's that i can't even imagine god yeah the peace y'all must be able to feel for a little bit you know we don't know sometimes the stresses that are going on in the back of our man it's like yeah one day a friend called me and he he said man i'm finally getting in a recovery, you know, or in a rehab.
And, man, I just suddenly just started kind of breaking down. I didn't realize that a part of me, it was almost like having a browser window that was open on your computer, you know, but that you're not on the page, had just been running, you know.
or just, you know, worrying, you know, the

same things that we all have, you know, just part of me had been in, you know, invested there and to get to have some peace there, you know, just to feel a little bit of like hope, you know, a little bit of hope for relief and a little bit of relief. So that's beautiful, baby.

Gang, son.

Let's go, boy.

Be nice. A little bit of hope for relief and a little bit of relief.
So that's beautiful, baby. Gang, son.

Let's go, boy.

B9, homie.

If I'm playing bingo, they call him B9.

I think benign, does that mean the tumor's okay, Riley?

Yes.

You sure or do you think?

Thank you. The tumor's okay, Riley? Yes.

You sure or you think?

I think.

All right.

All good, brother.

I think it is.

And no judgment, man.

Who knows?

Alex's mom, baby.

She's off that Chimo, baby. That's cool, baby.
She's off that Chimo, baby.

That's cool, man.

Thank you for sharing that, bro.

Yeah, when you share that, it just puts something in me, you know? Makes my eyes

get up. Makes my

eyes create a little bit of weather

in them, you know?

And that's all right, daddy.

That's all right. I got these transformer shades on today, hair's doing good, let me see what's up, hair's doing good, I'm fucking thug Amish today, dog, you know what I'm saying, where the butter at, babies, gang, dog, let's raise a barn, homie, I'm about to raise a barn in my pants, dog, you know what I'm saying? Because we seeing B, B, big teats out on the water and cancer free on the land, baby.
Riley Mal, let's get into it, man. So what's going on? You had some romance or take me on a, so you said you met a girl, and where'd you meet her, you said?

I met her at a bar.

Oh, okay.

And did you just meet her point blank, or you had arranged to see her?

No, I just met her there.

And did you make eye contact, or what was...

Was she wearing anything?

Was she eating anything?

Yeah, she was wearing a dress and eating wings.

Ooh, damn, boy.

And you said, damn, baby, I know where to go with them wings, baby,

this little banana pep, uh-huh.

And so what happened then?

Did you approach her?

Did you bring her some of those little wet napkins?

What happened?

Yeah, there was an open chair next to her, so I sat right next to her.

Wow. Wow.

Wow.

And did you have a wing?

Did you?

I did.

Okay.

Okay, so now you guys have something in common.

You both are enjoying a wing.

And then, I guess, what occurred from there?

Because it sounds like things escalated.

Yeah.

We just kept talking for,

for about an hour.

Um,

and then she wanted to,

hold on a second.

If you had to use four words to describe this woman,

cause we want to get a visual picture.

Four words,

right?

Uh,

and all of them don't have to be the most positive.

They can just be general words.

Some of them obviously should be positive because she's a,

she seems like a special or she seems like a neat girl. Yeah.
Blonde. Okay.
Cute. Mm-hmm.
Female. And, uh, .
and that's alright that's good three's good man

you have one more in here what do you think

nope

alright

alright put that one down actually

okay man

so blonde

female

what was the third one

Thank you. All right.
Put that one down, actually. Okay, man.
So blonde, female. What was the third one? All right.
What else happened, man? So Jesus. Yeah, so I was talking to her for about an hour, and she wanted to get in my car and leave.

Now, did she say it or you said it?

She said it.

And what did she say?

She said something like, hey, did you drive?

And I said, yeah.

Good answer.

And she was like, cool, you want to leave?

And where'd y'all go? Back to my house. No! And now, Riley, at this point, you're still in your ejaculatory, promissory note with the Lord is still intact, right? Correct.
Okay. So you've never ejaculated.
You have a woman now at your house right when you bring her inside what do you do are you playing any music or anything no no it was all quiet no you're a fucking you're one of those silent guys bro put a song on dude uh but that's okay that's okay man and so what happens and you you guys come in the house where do you sit down at well we didn't we didn't sit down yet you didn't sit down yet so

you walk in yep and what happens you guys just started kissing no and was she how was she taller

than you a little a little bit so you have to go up on the feet up on the toes a little to kiss her a little that's okay man that's fine that's a lot of that's gravity people you know in space everybody's the same height that's what something that's you know so who even knows what's, okay. So you got, you guys are smooching in the living room and where are the roommates? Um, they were both gone.
Wow. And, and so then, uh, after that, we just went upstairs to my bedroom.
No!

Wow.

And now, were you starting to get nervous, or how were you feeling? Man, it's got to be crazy for you, right?

Yeah, no,

I was pretty nervous.

And were you wearing,

shorts or pants? Pants.

Fuck yeah.

A, A, A move, dude.

Okay, so you get upstairs, and then what happens?

Do you go in your room?

Yeah, go in my room.

Pervert.

And then what happened?

Did you guys lay down, or were you listening to any music, or it's still silent?

Still silent.

Oh, my God, bro.

Why is it so silent, dude?

Are y'all fucking sneaking up on someone? Are you guys playing hide-and-go? Why is it so silent, dude? Are y'all fucking sneaking up on someone?

Are you guys playing hide-and-go-seekers?

Why is it so quiet?

I don't know.

I just didn't think of putting any music on.

Do you have any pets?

Was there anything moving around in the distance or anything?

Nope.

Okay.

What happened, Marley?

Take us there, buddy.

Yeah, and then we just started doing a lot of things.

No, you guys laid down on the bed or just standing up?

I laid down.

Okay.

So you laid down on the bed.

Were you closer to the wall or on the outside?

I was on the outside.

Wow.

That's kind of a – yeah, I think sometimes you're supposed to be closer to the wall so that the woman doesn't feel like you're trying to capture her somewhere.

I'm going to go ahead and see you next time. I was on the outside.
Wow. It's kind of a, yeah, I think sometimes you're supposed to be closer to the wall so that the woman doesn't feel like you're trying to like capture her somewhere.

I read that somewhere.

But okay.

So, and what now?

Were you guys nude or whatever?

Kind of.

So she had everything off.

What?

And I still had my pants on.

Oh my God.

Is she from fricking New Jersey or something?

I don't know where she's from. And you still had my pants on.
Oh my God, is she from frickin' New Jersey or something? I don't know where she's from.

And you still had your pants on?

Yeah.

No shirt, huh?

Yeah.

Wow, like a fuckin' 70s actor, dude.

Okay, and then what starts to happen?

We just kept kissing.

Mm-hmm.

And then, I don't know, I just started doing things to her.

Oh, my God, little buddy.

Were you touching her body and everything?

Yeah.

Okay.

And that was your first time ever touching a woman's body like that?

Yeah.

Wow.

You're going to hell, buddy. I'm joking, man.
That's's a joke dude uh and did she touch your body as well yeah no so what happened did you end up i mean like how did it end dude you know what i'm saying like did you end up you know cream in that little nugget or what happened i did no what riley mal wow it's still coming out of your nose sound stuffed up actually wow brother i can't believe it dude you've been yurping that little freaking pants pencil huh god baby you've been balking that little choy huh yeah wow dude you've been burping

that little yellow muppet homie gang gang dog good god boy and was it like did you let her know was the first time yeah she knew she knew How did she know? I think she has watched the podcast before. Oh, wow.
Oh, man. Damn.
So you really got compromised then. Yeah.
Do you feel a little bit taken advantage of? No. Respect.
Wow, buddy. Damn, boy, that 11th toe, baby.
That'll get you, dude. That 11th toe, baby, that Asian wiener, baby.
Praise God. Wow.
That, wow. wow and did we like what part of her body was she did you have sex or no yes what oh my god bro I thought you said you were waiting until you were married things change not in the eyes of the lord that home brother wow you had freaking scx dude with a woman yep way to go man f bro that's crazy dude and how many times did you guys engage or what did you do after did you hug after no we both fell asleep oh god that's romantic dude and then what happened y'all engage in the morning again? No, that was it with her.

And has she ever come back around?

Nope.

No.

My God, brother.

I can't believe she snuck in

and stole that freaking batch, baby,

stole that first pitcher of Kool-Aid

out of mom's Christmas closet, dude. I can't believe that.
And did you try to engage with her again? Not with her. But you've been talking to other women? Yes.
And you haven't engaged in sex with other women? Yeah. What? Bro, I feel like I don't even know you anymore sorry man that's kind of guilt tripping you dude um i don't mean to be like that bro it's just crazy dude i just can't believe that you've been out there just nutting all over and everything or just meeting people or whatever gosh yeah because i noticed you look a little different man you got more like i know she had some necklaces and stuff on do you is it like do you feel different yeah what do you feel like i don't know i just feel more uh alive hmm do you feel now when you're talking to a woman like they know that you are about that, you know what I'm saying? You about that fucking, that hot pocket, homie, you know what I'm saying? That you're about that fucking low smile, you know? Yeah.
You do? Yeah. So you feel more of a sense of bravado? Yeah.
Dang, baby, praise God. Wow.
And did you have to pray about it or talk with your pastor about it? Because I know you were intent on waiting for marriage, man. No.
Yeah, no. I haven't talked to them about it.
Have you even emailed your pastor or whatever? Nope. What? What? Bro, you said you were waiting for marriage, and now you're out here just nutting around you know the town or whatever large town and you know now you're out here getting people to pet that baby and you didn't even email the church yeah i know damn boy and you've been squirreling around that young gravy homie and dude you if you'd never ejaculated you the the clarity the post-nut clarity must have been insane huh yeah a little bit i mean you must have just been like what the fuck dude i'm i'm a little asian guy you know like it must have just like it must have been just mind-blown, brother.

Wow, man.

Congratulations, man.

Thank you.

Congratulations, dude.

I don't see a lot of that.

Come over here and shake my hand real quick.

I just want to shake the hand of a man that's come recently this year. Congratulations, man.
to see you brother all right go back um wow dude oh and was there anything afterwards you just like did you sit in silence after do you bow or whatever like what do you um no uh no did you tell your parents nope who was the first person you told um my uh who did i tell I don't remember.

Wow, man.

That's crazy, brother.

People are beating cancer.

People are beating off Asians.

People are...

The world is blossoming.

Our lives are blossoming.

Yeah, I guess they are. I don't know.
Did you wear a condom, brother? You know what I'm talking about? Or the Lord is your condom? I did. You wore a condom.
And what type of condom did you get? A special kind? I just got like one of those, don't know regular trojan ones okay just the regular yeah the um i think it's i don't know if it's pleated or whatever i can't remember what some of them are um that's crazy man did you feel uh did you feel like it was romantic at all uh with the first one no okay but there was a the second one was romantic yeah that happened to be last week wow and where'd you meet that girl at um i've been friends with her for for a while and finally you guys just took another level? Yeah. And is it you guys still talking to each other? Yeah.
Okay. So there's something there? Yeah, we're still seeing each other.
Damn. Yeah, dude.
I can hear your nose is even stopped up with all of that. I think when there's so much in your system, yeah, I can't believe you didn't just lose weight in your legs, bro.

Because if you'd never ejaculated, that's just God is with us here.

Oh, gosh.

I feel like it's the day after Christmas now, man.

Are you relieved that the journey's over?

Somewhat, yeah.

Do you miss it a little? A little bit. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, there's something.
It's always like people always say it's about the journey, not the destination. And I think thinking about sex sometimes is exactly when you think back on after you've had sex for the first time.
Sometimes it's some of that that's like that it's like the not knowing the curiosity the the uncertainty all of that is that's really that's where the story is you know the other parts the ending um and i'm not that sounded like i was preaching there i was like reading out of a damn reader's digest or something uh man well i'm happy for you man they welcome to you know being like a biological male or whatever they call it and i can't believe you didn't play any music bro you bro if you're the first bro if you're putting on some sex or something dude You got to play something romantic, bro. Play some ZZ Top.
Play some Usher. Well, I didn't know about the music, but after I found out what she does as a job, I figured she would have.
Does she have a specialized job? Yeah, she's a stripper. Oh, so she's a dancer or evening dancer, they call them somewhere? Yep.
Or yeah. Or sometimes they call them like pole babies or whatever.
Whatever it's called. Candy cane pussy or whatever.
I don't know what they even call it. Okay.
Wow. And do you think she just came down, slurped you out because she knew about it and wanted to just get that gumption out of you? I think so.
God damn, dude. Was she Vietnamese or something? No, definitely white.
Wow. And did she keep the, I'm not sure what it's called, sebum or whatever?

Or like, did she keep the frosting?

I don't even call it.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

The unjackable, the Titanic has sunk.

They freaking came in and freaking, they freaking,

somebody came in and just permed that little baby corn on Raleigh Mal.

Yeah, and I noticed you just came in with more swagger.

I see you got some jewelry on.

What is all that?

Yeah, just a couple new things I've got. Yeah.
Just a couple new things I've got, baby. Just a couple little ornaments on this lobster.
I love you guys, man. Thank you for supporting me and thank you for supporting yourself.

Thank you for, yeah, just letting us be a part of each other's worlds.

You know, I don't know what exactly we're supposed to be doing, but I feel like we're supposed to do something big.

I just don't know what it is yet sometimes.

But, yeah, just hang in there, you know, and give yourself some grace, man. If you're being hard on yourself, if something's bugged, give yourself some grace.
You know, that's something recently that I've just like, man, it's like, look, man, give yourself some grace, Theo. You know,

you're trying, you're, you're, you know, give yourself some grace. So I'm not preaching at you.
I'm just kind of sharing. I guess sometimes I'm just sharing things that I need to hear.
But yeah, I can't believe we got to go interview some of the people we did last week. And that was exciting and um yeah i'm just excited football's back and there's uh exciting things to think about and be a part of and uh make sure to just be good to yourself baby because you deserve it baby gang gang riley mal man oh we thought that nut would never get out of you brother you have any final words after all of that um no that checks out brother um we'll go out the way that we came in here man um with there is a light right here baby there is a light by stone keepers featuring david manuel whenever you're down out in the cold Faithless and die

Your story's untold

Come take my hand

And walk there with me

Raleigh, mom!

I know a place

Where we can be free

There is a life

Raleigh, did you make like a sound or whatever when it happened finally? Uh, no Nothing? I mean, just breathing out Savage All that you see When you find a place Where we can be free From the mountaintops Down to the deepest valley Hear a voice calling you It's the rising sun Shining at the darkest valley Can't you see you'll be free? I have been far, I have been wide Searching for fears, somewhere to hide Now I am free, open and pure Fearless and vain

I am secure

There is no dark

That can't be lived

Gang gang baby

You guys be good to yourselves baby

You deserve it

And um

Love y'all