Giants

Here we are. Showtime.
Now, this is a first for the Three Been Sided podcast. Yeah.

We are recording on Saturday morning. Hey, kids! Pretty tv!

School's out!

And who's got the fan hammer? I've got the fun hammer.

What are you doing listening to a podcast? podcast. Turn it off, kids, and get out there and climb the tree.

Yeah. Shut up, granddad.
Yeah.

Throw an egg at a neighbor's house. Come on, kids.
I will climb up that tree, grandad. And what kind of wi-fi has it got?

Shut up.

Not my grandson.

That's quite a good idea, a sort of Saturday morning kids TV show where it's like an antagonistic relationship between a grandfather and some kids who like smash up his knees with the with the fun hammer.

Yeah.

Because Because it's actually a real hammer.

And fun is just a point of view, isn't it? That's the lesson, isn't it? Exactly. Yeah.

By the way, not only are we recording it on Saturday for the first time,

but I believe this might be the first time that we're recording the podcast on the first day of meteorological spring.

It's the first of March. Get out your rhubarb

and

get out your strongest colanders, head to a local local pond or lake, and start sieving for toads

because there's too many of them.

And yeah, sieve and chuck. Siv and chuck.
Launch them into the next parish. Your local mayor will give you 30p for every toad you stand on.
So do get down there. Yeah.

And bring the family. It can be a lot of fun, can't it? Bring on toads.
So, yeah, so it's the first name

meteorological spring, which I don't think is a word I'll ever be able to confidently say.

What's the other kind of spring then? Gregorian spring?

Magnetic spring?

There's a magnetic spring which

swaps around, doesn't it? It's slightly askance. It's the usual.

Sort of not exactly where you'd expect it to be, necessarily.

Yeah, which means if you take a dump on the International Space Station over the next 24 hours, a crocus will grow in your turd.

Yeah, so

you need to just

make sure you take lots of photos.

Shotos?

What's that? You said said Shotos. Yes, there's a photo of a shit.

Show toes, yeah.

It's the first day of meteorological spring.

I think you've got to run into it harder. I think that's the problem.
It's a confidence issue. Okay, it's the first day of meteorological spring, you dicks.

That felt a bit, I don't know. That was too much, wasn't it? Yeah.
You could just throw it away, haven't you? It's the first day of meteorological spring at the end of the day.

What if you try and enjoy every syllable? Try that. It's the first day of meteorological spring.
I liked it. Yeah.

I was in London this week and

I get excited when I come to London

and

went out for some food and I thought, I know, I'm going to get a tiramisu. So I ordered a tiramisu and it was shit.
Oh dear.

Well, there's a big, there's a, that doesn't surprise me because there's a huge variation in what you can get when you order a tiramisu. There's a massive spectrum.
And they can be really bad.

They can be great. Yeah.
I've realized what it is that I want. I want it to come sliced on a sort of plate.
Okay. Like a slice has been taken from a larger chirama suit.
That's what I want.

That's probably more authentic. Did you get a little bowl, like a ramakin or something? I got like a pre-yeah, like made in a kind of glass bowl thing.

And as soon as you see that, you know, it's rubbish. It's been shipped in.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yes. Because really it's made, it's a big tray that's made like a sort of sweet lasagna, isn't it?

Yeah, like a big mattress. A big, yeah, a big soft mattress with layers of...

You want to know that it's just been made that day

under your feet

in the sort of dank underground London kitchen cellar. Yeah.
Rat-infested.

Yeah. Full of flavours.
Everywhere you look, there's flavours

imbuing every dish. And that's thousands of years of rats, isn't it? Those flavours have developed over generations.

They've been handed down from rat to rat. Rats that have come from across the world.
Yeah.

So that when they scurry into, and they will have done, take a dump inside that terminus because they will have done that they know how to cover their tracks on the way out so that no one knows no you know there's never any evidence that it's happened and it gives you that that's that is the meaning of jeun a sequence

exactly the meaning of jeuneis and we've learned to describe those bits as the coffee

the coffee element we find a way to cope of course we do it's a euphemism for rat yeah for rat dung So yeah, I was in London, so I was living the London life, which I was really enjoying.

I was being put up in a hotel that was in the the center of London. Oh, really? Being put up.
Yeah.

And so

I would leave the hotel and immediately in front of me, I would see a drunk guy pissing on the street. You know, this perfect central London stuff.
Yeah, you know, you're there.

I was right by Trafalgar Square. It was really good.
I was living the London life, which meant going to Pratt every morning. Yeah.
Also, that's not just any drunk guy, it's Simon Sharma,

which you don't even mention now, but yeah.

I went into Pratt every morning, and I think Pratt has got this, you know, there's those tests to see if you're morally good.

So, the big one is if you take your trolley back in the supermarket, because there's nothing compelling you to do it. Yeah.
So, the only reason to do it is because it's the right thing to do. Yeah.

If you don't do it, if you just leave it in the car park, there's no comeback on you. What I do? Yeah.
Kick it towards the stir-fry packs.

And

I'd spin on my heel and walk the f ⁇ ing out.

And I make an exit, all right. Everyone turns their head.
Who the hell was that?

And it's careering around and

knocking over those

stir-fry meal deals. And pensioners.
And pensioners.

But the stir-a-middle is, you get one pack of veg, you can choose three or four meats, and there's two or three saucers you can choose from if you can get past the

shopping trolley that's

upside down in front of them. Yeah.

so that's thought of as one of the few tests of pure altruism. Is it? Who says that? Some leading philosopher.
I like Benjamin Partridge. It's a thing, it's thought of as being a test.
I like that.

And you can basically parcel people into people who would take it back to the thing or just leave it. And those people are.
Those people are morally the lowest of the low. Yeah.
Scam.

But there's a few other little tests like that. Yeah.
Aren't there? Have you ever murdered anyone?

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay. But another one is do you clear away your stuff into the kind of bin section of an Itzu or a

there's quite a few restaurants now or cafe slash restaurants like that where it's sort of ambiguous if you're being asked to do that or not you sort of can do it.

He's suggesting the whole thing is a behavioural psychology

thesis by Berkeley University. By Professor Derek Itso.

And it's just been the most expensive PhD of all time.

He's had to spend so much of his time actually making sushi and stuff that he's barely got around to writing any of his results up. His parents are tearing their hair out.

They're really, really worried about him. Anyway, there's a new one in Pratt,

which is when you buy the Pratt porridge,

there's then like a little kind of trough underneath, and you're meant to pick up either a honey pack,

a little tiny plastic pot of nuts and raisins,

or feed the starving guinea pig.

And the starving guinea pig, he's got quite a nice little sort of powder. Oh, he's got a kiss curl.
Yeah. He's got kiss curls.

He's got a powder blue little bow tie stuff to his head, hasn't he?

And the music, that music they use in the film Platoon is playing constantly against him.

Some Hill Barbara's cars over the streets.

So, what is it? You've got the option to what, kick him in the tummy.

No, or give some of it to him. So, basically, you can get honey,

little pot of seeds, or a little pot of jam, and you're only meant to take one. Yes.
And they've put up a little sign saying, please take only one, leave the rest for the other porridge lovers.

And it kind of slightly kind of whimsical,

you know. That's interesting.
Because

the honey and the nuts would be such a winning combination, surely. Well, exactly.
So, this week, when I,

in some pretts, you don't have the trough system.

They give you the nuts, well, kind of themselves, and they ask you what you would like. And I said, I'll have honey, please.
And she went, go on, have some nuts as well.

And just and just give me the nuts. Ben, that means you might actually be in the concluding paragraph of his PhD.

I think that was, that's the kind of

key argument at the end, which is if you give someone a special option, what do they do? Well, what it did was it opened a window in my mind.

So when I went the next day into a different pretz and it was the trough system, I thought, well, I could take some nuts and some money because this has been sanctioned by the staff in the other store.

The agent provocateur in the other store. But it's a good example of like moral slippage.
You do something once and a door is opened. You cross the Rubicon.

And then pretty soon you're making wardrobes out of human bone.

oh yeah

and it's just yeah it's just a slow steady steady slip till that isn't it but on day three then i only took honey because again i don't know i sort of i went back to the mean i don't know why but that's tricky because if you're a jammist if you're a jammist you're not going to want you're not going to want the others with the jam surely i mean there aren't people having nuts with the jam are they jam and porridge feels weird anyway to me Really?

I think jam I'd be up for that. But honey and nuts, I mean, put them together.
Honey and nut, they touch it. It's like cheese and ham, isn't it? Was there an option for that?

Yeah, that's quite interesting.

It's sort of a trust system, isn't it?

Someone's basically brought the honesty box, the vegetable honesty box

to the big city. I've always had a little life hack with honesty boxes, which is actually you don't have to put anything in them.

And another little life hack I've got is by the side of the road, there's a sign which says, take some eggs and give us a bit of money, please.

Actually, little life, you don't actually have to put any money.

Reverse your high-end eye, turn into the whole stool, smash all the eggs up, and you take as many as you need and you smash the rest.

Oh, oh, and I've got a bit of

loose change as well, as it happens. I've got a bit of loose change as well, which I might take.
And oh, oh, what's this?

Oh, I've got a can of petrol in the back of my car, and I've poured accidentally poured a bit on the road and I've dropped a match off, set fire to a

bit of the road here.

I've set fire to this road now, so no one else can use it

for the next eight seconds.

Till it burns till it safely burns off.

I've just cleaned a section of road

for free. Now because I'm thinking, fuck.

My car's broken now because I've

sucked all the petrol out of this

tank. And now there seems to be an angry farmer approaching me wondering what on earth has happened to his egg stool.
Yeah.

I only got about

70p's worth of eggs out of the whole thing when you think about it.

Still, it's a life hack, isn't it? In my um, in my evenings in London, I went to this pub that was opposite the hotel.

And you know, when you go into a pub, and there's just like a really off atmosphere in there. And I went in, I sat down, and everyone in there,

as I was, was on their own, which leads to like such a weird pub vibe. Which is, we could all, hang on, we could all make laugh

if one of us just breaks the ice. Uh-oh.

Lewis content warning,

lewd content, content, content.

Probably we'll spend the whole night just staring into our phones, staring into our Pints of Stout

and not communicating with each other in anything.

Exactly. But if one of us just breaks the ice, this could turn into the ultimate fucker doodle duffer.

Fuckerlicious orgy from fucking hell. This could be

fucking...

We'd rebuild Rome in this. We could rebuild Rome.

An orgy with bitter on tap.

An orgy with Sky Sports One in the background. Actually, no, it's not Sky Sports One.
It's just the golf. It's some sort of some sort of golf.
What stopped the orgy from taking place was the TV.

There was a big TV. It was actually a projector screen.

And they were showing an episode of Only Fools and Horses. Strange.

With

English subtitles on. Yeah.

So it was just a a whole room of about 30 people, mainly men, on their own, watching an episode. There was no sound, though.

So it was silent, a silent episode of Only Fools and Horses, where you could read the dialogue. Was there music as well coming out of the speakers? Well, this is what I'm about to come on to.
Oh.

So for some reason, there was no sound from the Thors and Horses, which makes sense because it's weird to go to a pub and hear David Jason. Yeah.

But it's not weird to go to a pub and read David Jason

talking about having a nice time in a fictional pub with some actual

friends. So there was a bit of music playing, you know, some normal pub music, and that stopped then.
And then OnlyFools and Horses started, but they didn't put the sound on.

So then that's on. We're reading it and having a great, great time.

And then the reason they turn off the music is because if Bloke turned up with an electric guitar and he was going to be doing the entertainment. Right.

So

about halfway through the episode, he plugs in the electric guitar and and then just starts playing like rock guitar, but with no accompaniment. So, just an electric guitar on its own.

Is Only Fools and Horses still going on at this point? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But with the top gun theme underneath it,

anyway, the guy starts playing the guitar

really loud and awful. Like, an electric guitar on its own is awful, it needs a band.
Yeah, yeah, he wasn't singing, it was just meow,

and then I would say, within about five minutes, everyone left the pub

because of the electric guitar. Yeah, that's an amazing call, isn't it?

Because even your average middle-aged man who's like a weekend warrior with the guitar, I mean, they buy special CDs with backing tracks to play along

too. Because even they understand, even in the privacy of their own home, they don't want to hear themselves exposed nakedly.
Yeah.

It needs something. And there we all, we all just

quietly finished our drinks and left. Fascinating.
Yeah. But useful to know for sort of crowd control.
Put away your water cannons

and hire Dave.

Much cheaper.

Okay, time to turn on the beam machine. Yes, please.

This week's topic, as sent in by Samuel,

from 84A High Street,

but we don't know which town. We don't know which town.
Nice. So if you were very determined, you could track him down, but it would

take quite a while. Is

giants

nice

giants giants from 84a

i'm wondering if that means samuel lives above a shop oh nice let's okay forget the topic we're gonna track down samuel why is he so interested in giants it's gonna be 20 minutes of sleuthing

let's sleuth out this guy

so so you think he lives above a shop yeah he's on the because of the air and because he's on the high street right oh yes Okay, so if I put 84A High Street into Google,

what comes up is a restaurant. Okay.

They sell smoked meats, American-style barbecue. I like that kind of thing.
Yeah, it looks

ribs, I imagine. Welcome to our barbecue Texan pop-up.
Watch the pit boss in action in our open kitchen. Oh, okay.

Savour the best smoked ribs, brisket, and pulled pork that make our pop-up a standout destination.

Okay.

And if you live in a flat that constantly stinks of barbecue sauce

and slow-cooked meats, I mean, what topic would you, would you land on?

Something with a hearty appetite. A giant.

Perhaps. Yes.
Or does he look out of his window a lot of the time, see heads moving past? They're actually people on the top floor of a bus, but because on the first floor he thinks they're giants.

With disproportionately small heads.

And very thick in movement.

And very he may think he's been he's that they're circling him. Pinheaded, smooth-moving giants are circling his apartment.

Why?

He was told it was a mistake to live above a business, but he thought that was a reference to smells from a restaurant, etc., and early morning stock drop-offs.

They didn't, no one told him about the smooth-moving pinhead giants, one of which looks a lot like his nephew, who also lives in the town.

To give you a sense of this restaurant, I'm going to read you some reviews from TripAdvisor. I've got a five-star view first.
Yeah.

Great for meat lovers. Great food and friendly handful of staff.
Good atmosphere. Only slight negative, this is a five-star view, by the way.

Only slight negative is that the toilets are a little basic, being portaloose with no lighting. Okay.

But this didn't detract from a good evening, even in February, and I would go again.

That food must be really good. It must be really good.
Despite

my shit and piss-covered trousers.

But if you throw enough barbecue sauce over them, nobody notices it. No one notices.

I'm going to say something, which is, I think I'm slightly over pulled pork. I'm going to say.

What do you guys think?

I can't imagine being over it, really.

Okay, so you still like it. It's a very moist form of pork.
The thing is, to me, this restaurant sounds like it's trying to be... Well,

the fact that it's a pop-up and the fact that it's got pulled pork and it's kind of leaning into a kind of Americana sort of vibe. To me, it feels like

it's trying to follow a trend or something.

It's trying to be current or trend-based in its thinking, which to me, Ben, I just think it feels like quite different from your meat environment, which is the Carvery, which is sort of immune to history.

It's immune to history.

It's immune to international prerogatives. And laws.

It's immune to international meat law and hygiene standards, isn't it? Because

it's just there. Yeah.
Ever since the time of the Troubadour arriving in the town, singing his songs, his payment, a carvery.

Steve. Perhaps a bed of straw, no more.
Most Toby Carveries are in the doomsday book.

Yeah.

But there's something about, because pulled pork for you would be anathema, I'm guessing, isn't it? Within a carvery set up.

Well, pulled pork is how in a carvery that's, I mean, that's the instead of crackers, isn't it?

You stuff a little toy in a bit of pork and you cross hands with the person next to you and you pull the pork, and you know, one bit of pork's got a quid in it, basically.

Yeah, oh, look, it's a spaceman's eye. It's actually a pig's eye.

You need to tell yourself what you need to tell yourself. It's a spaceman's eye.

And then it's fun for the kids, isn't it?

Oh, it's a oh, it's a wizard's hoof. It's a pig's hoof.

It's a cursed wizard's hoof. It's a wizard's throat.
It's a farmer's farmer's throat that the pig ate,

leading to its slaughter for revenge purposes. Oh, it's Silla Black's hairy back.

It's a pig's hairy back.

Actually, it could actually be Silla Black's hairy bag.

Next review of the restaurant. Yeah.

One star. Shocking.
Avoid. Avoid this place.

We waited a ridiculous amount of time to get our £30 barbecue platters, which were all cold, except for a small bit of sausage on the plate.

The pulled pork was cold, congealed, and not with any sauce. Oh my lord, dear lord.
Is she suggesting it had unpulled itself?

It had become

back to its pre-pulled state.

Bungee pork.

Is it bungee pork? Blimey, that would be a hell of a deal, wouldn't it? It's a delicious meal, but if you eat it, it will kill you because you'll have eaten through the bungee.

It's a delicious dicing with death pork challenge. It's bungee pork.
It's the ultimate dilemma stag do.

Will you cut off some of those old friends from Unihi? Frankly. It is hard keeping in touch as people spread and leave in different regions and get kids and everything.

You basically, politically, you don't see eye to eye with them anymore. You've both gone, you've both interpreted the inverted commas woke

cultural change in different ways. You've both gone different directions.
Maybe it's time to thin the herd.

It's time to thin the herd. Or.

Unfortunately, though, will you actually end up losing that new playwright friend of yours who you're hoping will introduce you to new culture higher cultural circles in london

because it could be that he that he's the one that well he's likely to be the hungriest of the gang isn't he he's likely to be the hungriest isn't he

oh you ah yes but he says he can introduce you to tom stoppard's nephew

Tom Stoppard.

It's also called Tom Stoppard, but he's much, much less powerful. Okay, so there was a flavour in the other meats.
Okay. I don't know where they were cooked.
Where?

Yes, it certainly was not at this location. Okay.
So she doesn't know where it was cooked.

I tell you what, this is a good, bad review in the sense that she's done her due diligence. Like, she's not just writing Olaf Gang, it was disgusting, it was cold.

Like, she identified the fact that there was one warm sausage on the plate. I don't know why you decided that Kevin, who wrote this review, is a woman.

But you seem fairly sure of it.

Yeah, I don't know why that's something for

someone to delve into with a therapist.

My meat paradigm.

Everyone has

a meat critic paradigm within them.

It's one of the

Jungian archetypes, isn't it? My inner meat critic is female. Interesting.
We were given a free round of drinks as an apology. Okay.

And I say free when we should have asked for a refund and eaten somewhere else where they were cooking the food.

I don't understand what why what Kevin's little theory is so Kevin here she's preoccupied with

With the location of I mean, that's just the cold thing isn't it? That's like it's been left out hasn't it?

I can't work out if this last sentence is sarcastic or not The staff were friendly but totally inefficient and didn't seem to know what was going on in fairness There were nearly 10 people in the restaurant including the five of us so they could have been overwhelmed with the rush

Is that sarcasm? It's hard to know, isn't it? Because a pop-up sometimes these are tiny, aren't they?

That's the trouble with you don't get tone, do you, with text?

Um, I feel I should say that, uh, despite the fact there are a couple of bad reviews, overall it has 55 reviews with an aggregate of 4.5 out of 5. Very decent.

So, it might be the Kevin's review is an anomaly. Sounds like it, doesn't it? Anyway, giants,

giants, yeah. I suppose technically, I live quite near

where there were giants, so they said

really.

Yeah, tell us more. Well, down the road is got Toness, the South Devon,

And in the myth of Britain,

that's where Brutus of Troy did battle with giants, with the indigenous giants of Britain. Brutus of Troy? Yeah.
Yeah, who's Brutus of Troy? Who the hell's Brutus of Troy?

Brutus of Troy, according to Geoffrey of Monmouth, is why we're called Britain.

He tried to name the place after himself, but he got it slightly wrong and called it Britain instead of Brutus. You've not come across this?

That's absolutely bollocks, though.

This is the legend. Yeah, he was from Troy, came over

to

take over. There were some giants already living here in Totnes for some reason.
And he killed them and pushed them into the sea. Bye-bye, giants.
Hello, Brutus. Hello, Britain.
Away we go.

It just feels like

ancient Troy, the Trojan War, Totness. It's a lot to splice together, isn't it? Yeah.
They're not. It feels like a stretch, absolutely.

It really feels like a stretch. They went for it.
They went for it. Absolutely.
That was what they were, you know.

Those are from two different sort of of mythic universes. Yeah, but they, but this is the thing.
Mythic universe, you know, fusion has been going on for a long time.

You know,

people keep trying it. It's an attempt to join two franchises that just simply will not coexist.
That would be like trying to join Deadpool and Paddington, essentially.

But you've got to try. You've got to give it a go.

Because once in a blue moon,

we're talking putting our children on our children's children through college.

Exactly.

So it's always worth the blowback. It's always worth the punt.
And that's one of the earliest recorded examples that we have. I'd love to see Deadpool versus Paddington.
Is it versus or with?

What are we talking here? I think versus. It's not a bad combination because they both like a bit of sort of slapstick Pratt Foley action, don't they?

I've got to say, I've never seen a Deadpool movie. I have seen one of them.
I think I saw the first one.

It's the question: Is how would Howard Paddington's

innocent repartee

fuse with Deadpool's sort of glib badinage?

I mean, watching Paddington just a machine gun load of mafia people to death would be quite fun.

Yeah. And if you think about the audience that's grown up with the new Paddington editions, by the time you got around to these people who are in early adulthood, right, they're ready for that kind of

progression, aren't they?

Paddington funneling boiling hot marmalade onto the face of a cartel boss.

That's the kind of thing. It'd be quite good to see, wouldn't it? Basically,

Paddington would work out with Deadpool's help that hot marmalade is like four or five times hotter than boiling water. At least.

Yeah.

And

several times more adhesive.

So if you could design like a sort of super weapon, a sort of cannon that fires boiling hot marmalade. Actually, beyond boiling.
So marmalade as a kind of

hot liquid. What is the boiling point of marmalade? What is the boiling point of marmalade? That could be a crucial part of the film.
Working that out. Maybe Mike could play a sort of

scientist sidekick kind of figure.

Careful, Paddington. You know that marmalade boils at 5,000 degrees centigrade.

A recurring sort of like Q-type figure or someone who's going to get smoked early doors. Oh, yeah, I mean, that's also attractive.

Apparently, there's going to be loads of new Bond stuff because Bond has been bought by Amazon. By Bezos.
Yes. Yeah, for a billion dollars.

And so there's this going to be like a a slew of kind of like Bond spin-off T-Bond series and Young Bond and the Bond universe. Bond's brother, Bond's brother Bob, Bob Bond.
Hi, I'm Bob Bob, Bob, Bob.

I work in government bonds, which is a coincidence. It's not because I'm called Bob Bond.

Welcome to Money Penny Nights. Oh, yeah.
It's Money Penny who just because she works at a essentially quite a kind of stressful civil service job.

She just gets home at goes to the gym, gets home early, has a quite healthy meal, watches the box set, and goes to sleep. Yeah.

Money penny nights.

But she is trying to do a master's in chemical engineering in her spare time, but she's just really, really struggling to find the time to.

She's so knackered because it is quite a challenging civil service job she's got.

People forget that.

The hours are long. She is learning Italian on Duolingo, though.
And she's got a 400-day streak.

Yeah.

But she's not sure that she's retaining any of the vocab. That's the trouble.
No, that's the thing.

My partner's doing Duolingo, and I looked over her shoulder the other day, and she'd finished the the day's lesson or whatever and she'd succeeded and it was saying well done

and to show how well she'd done they'd spliced the face of the duolingo owl onto a unicorn and it was this horrifying horse with an owl's face so so what with with with the unicorns

So impaled it with the spike going through the unit through the owl's face. Through the gaping mouth, through the gaping beak of the owl.

They'd kebabbed the owl's face onto the horn horn of a unicorn. As a reward.

As a reward.

Because that feels a really, that's psychological manipulation. That's basically a threat.
That's saying, and if you don't keep going, imagine how horrific the next image will be.

Yeah, this horn can go through a conceptual owl. What can't it go through?

Who can't it go through?

No, it wasn't that. It was like an animal where they'd spliced the DNA of the Duolingo owl and a unicorn just to create a kind of horse with the owl's face.

And it was a really horrifying creature. The sort of thing you can imagine going, kill me, just kill me, please.

Yeah, that's something that should be guarding one of the gates of hell.

Exactly. Rather than saying, well, on your 400 Dave's streak of wealth.

It's quite annoying, isn't it, when you know someone that does Duolingo, I find. Do you?

It's an annoying sound. It's an annoying sound.
Because every time they get one right, it goes, burning.

Yeah. Yeah.

And it's also, it's the annoying sound of that person's person's improving themselves for the next five minutes, and I'm not,

I'm just watching a Toblero melt on my nipple,

and he'd forgotten to start the stopwatch again.

How am I ever going to find out which of my nipples is warmest

in a pub surrounded by other men watching silently watching OnlyFools and Horseshoe?

You know, with the Bond thing,

one thing I'm sure they'll do with a spin-off is cue the early years. I think I'd like to see some origin stories of some of the baddies, like the lady who had the poisonous knives in her shoes.

I'd like to see. I don't remember her.
Yeah, oh, yes, very early one. Okay, very early.
Sure, I've got a friend of that as a kid, that image. Yeah, what would be her origin story?

But how do you get there? Do you know what I mean? How do you work out that she's would she have been bitten by a radioactive shoe knife?

Listen there. So, how do you work work out the origin story of someone? So her thing is, she dresses up as you pretend she's a cleaner, but she goes around kicking people with a shoe dagger.
Yeah.

Poison shoe dagger. Maybe her parents were kicked in the face by a horse.

Yeah. Just

sort of.

I'm just spitballing here.

But it's quite difficult logistically if both parents have been kicked to death by a horse.

But also she needs to have then been doing like a shoe, a show and tell shoe workshop at school. Maybe she's a shoemaker.
Oh, that's good.

Yeah, she would have been the children of Siberian shoemakers. Good.
So she's a shoemaker. Yeah, who are simultaneously kicked to death by

the local capitalist mule. But do you mean a literal mule or a metaphorical mule? I mean a literal mule.
Maybe a mule owned by a sort of local tsarina, something like that.

Because she's born pre-revolution.

Okay.

Not specifying a revolution. It doesn't matter, though.
Leave everything to interpretation. I like

the bubble tea revolution.

And it is a revolution.

But I think she would have gone into the shoe business for good reasons. This is important.

In any supervillain origin story, they were nearly good and then something went wrong to make them bad, which is why they've got that tension in them, which makes them interesting.

Think about the shark in jaws, for example.

Definitely a sense that shark could have. It could have been a dolphin.

And what is a shark? It's not just a very, very angry dolphin.

Applied so many times. Yeah.

And we're just turned away, turned away, turned away, turned away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because if you can't prove your address, why just live in the sea? It doesn't count.

If you can't, you can't even get trapped in the dolphin shark. Catch 22, isn't it? You need at least four different utility bills where you're having that address on.
Again, I'm a shark.

I live in the sea.

A fucking shark. A library card doesn't count.

So

she went into shoe making

to provide free shoes for local children or to provide CPR. Yeah.
CPR shoes CPR shoes or some sort of shoes which save lives defibrillating clogs defibrillating

but that's another word I struggle with is defibrillate

defibrillation meteorology meteorological defibrillation

yeah defibrillate defibrillating

defibrillation start with the initial concept fibration no

fibulation is the act of dying because no one's whacking you around the chest

So, fibulation. Defibulation.

What is fibulation?

Is there an R in it? Is it like February where there is an R or there isn't an R? There's an R in it. There is an R in it.
Defibulation.

No.

Defibruing. Defibrilling.

Do you talk about refibulation? Defibrillation. I can't refibrulate.
Relation.

Defib. Defib.
That's what I'm going to do. Call it a defib rather than a defrib or a drefrib.
Can I say, and by the time I finish this conversation, the patient has died. And that's the problem.

If we could just make the spelling of this word simpler, we would save lives. Surely.
Is it defibrillate? Refibrillate, refrigerate. I don't know.

We're going to have to refrigerate as any bloody dead.

Sorry, that's quite tasteless.

So defibrillation. Defibrillation.

And fibrillation by itself. What does it mean, Mike? It means

your cardiac muscles

acting erratically, basically. Contracting in a way that's irregular and erratic and therefore isn't pumping anything.

So we think that she may have invented a pair of

defibrillation.

Maybe the left clog is defibrillation, the right clog is

post-care stuff.

Just meals on wheels for a couple of weeks. Meals on wheels type stuff.
So maybe that's got

a snack in the right one, the left one.

And the left one, you see, you take it it off and you sort of stab it into the um solar plexus let's say of the person yeah and maybe it has an electric current in it or something yeah so it's a really positive invention but along comes the capitalist west and the capitalist west buys the idea you know

telling olga that she's she's going to make good out of it but they they they fleece her she's um she loses the ip and a mule kicks both her parents to death yeah unrelated i think it's one of those ones where it's one of those days where it's the last straw so yeah her idea is stolen by the West.

And she decides to let off some steam by visiting a Donkey Sanju with her parents. Yeah.

Because it's Soviet Russia. There's not a lot of options entertainment-wise, is it? It's not like in America where you just put on a pair of blue jeans and smoke on Marlborough and watch Buddy Holly.

You can only dream of that. There's also all the other letters of the alphabet, of course, aren't there? To be explored.
Spin-off-wise. Yeah, because we never see A or B.

There's also numerically all the other double-O's. They've literally got several different types of infinity infinity they can delve into IP-wise.
Oh, God.

Because you've got 008, you've got 009, you've got 0010, you've got 0011, you've got 0012, you've got 00. Probably wouldn't do 13.004.
Actually, 0013 would be quite good. 000 Susan.
00 Susan.

It's becoming increasingly clear we're not going to be talking about giants today. We are talking about giants.
James Vond is a cultural giant, Benjamin. That's true.

But I'm going to put the blame squarely at the feet of Samuel from 84A High Street. Because of his

address. Well, because if he hadn't suggested giants, the fact that we haven't talked about giants wouldn't be an issue, for one thing.
Exactly.

So he is like a stick of rock through this problem is Samuel L. Johnson from 84A High Street.

Like a sticker rock,

isn't it?

You cannot separate Samuel L. Johnson.
Is that what he's called?

What's he called?

Samuel.

I presidentified his name.

I've upgraded him to one of those presidents you haven't heard of. That might have invented a dictionary or a thesaurus or something.
Or something.

Or bacon. Or something.

Or the waffle.

Okay, well,

we haven't got long left now, have we?

Well, that's just a quick, absolute

rattle-stop talk

through Giants. So I think the reason we haven't got much to say about giants, I think, is because they are, I'm going to say this, the crappest mythological beast.

You should. Because a giant is basically, imagine if you had to think of a mythological beast.
Ooh, a griffin. The face of a lion, the body of a

dog.

A domesticated griffin, you mean?

Ooh, a nincon clocks.

The face of a ram. The body of Adrian Childs.

The finger of an alligator. and one very long finger.
But this person has gone. Think of a mythical beast.
Oh, um,

just a really big person.

So, what their feature? They've got a funny face, claws and their neck is exactly the same as a person, but really big.

Hang on, have you been inspired to come up with this idea by the fact that I'm standing really close to you now? Yes, you look like a really big person, and I'm right now.

So, it's basically imagine a person really close to you, right?

But if he wasn't really close to you, so you think it was someone who's commissioned to sort of write an Icelandic saga or something like that and just hadn't got around to it.

It's a deadline issue, basically. Look, we all know this kind of work.

It's freelance stuff. You're working for yourself, your own boss.
It's hard. You know, you've got to come up with Norse mythology.

I mean, it might be one of those ones where maybe they've thought, oh, this is brilliant because it's so simple.

And then they've gone, oh, how about a really small person? That's already been done. Gnomes.

How about a really average person? That's already been done. Adrian Chiles.

isn't it?

Big fan of Adrian Chiles, by the way. Who isn't?

I'd like to do a little plug for a TV show that I'm very much enjoying at the moment called Fun Boys.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's on iPlayer.

And it's a comedy series set in Northern Ireland. And it's really, really funny and brilliant.
I really love it. I've devoured.
There's four episodes which I've devoured.

It's produced by friend of the pod, Simon Mayhew Archer. Yes, I've started it.
It's excellent. Yeah.

I can get behind that. But he's a guy that we've all worked with.
He also produced This Country, which is excellent. So if you had any interest in that, which I'm sure you did.
Yeah.

And one thing he's got in common with all the beans is he's got a cold, hard BAFTA in his front room. And we've all got front rooms.

Yeah, I've not had a sniff of a BAFTA.

I've not even had a close to it.

Now,

not even close. Really, really great show.
Very, very funny and I've not started yet, but I'm looking forward to it. Fun boys.
It is excellent. Cool.

All right, let's read some emails. Yes, please.
Now, normally I'd play the email jingle, but we've had one sent in from Rosie. Thank you, Rosie.
She says, hello, Beans.

Last time I sent in a jingle, brackets, a ukulele theme tune in the style of a shit bank advert, it was described as abhorrent and my least favourite kind of music by Bonjamin. I remember that.

I remember that very vividly. And that kind of music is despicable, and it's still out there.

And it's directly, inversely proportionate to the evil of the company, is how innocent and sweet.

It's basically the music that would be played if a gamboling lamb could somehow be given human hands

and taught to play a banjo

that's that's the sound it would make well she writes undeterred I've arranged the email jingle into the style undeterred undeterred

oh

I thought you said undeterred

well she did found a new homophone I found a new homophone

undeterred

how do I say this without it sounding like undeterred

it's really hard to say undeterred without it sounding like exactly like undeterred.

Undeterred, there must be someone who's got an autobiography that's unfortunately named Undeterred.

Adrian Childs, undeterred. We've already printed four million copies, Adrian.
I'm sorry, it's too late.

So, Rosie White's undeterred. The photo on the front cover, it shouldn't have been you wearing a cow pack for a hat.
That is as a bere, beret.

But that's why we keep saying you've got to check your emails, Adrian. That's why we tell you to check them.

Underterred.

I have arranged the email jingle into the style of a Mozart concert aria in an attempt to alienate all of the beans. Well, this will do quite the opposite for me.
I don't like Mozart.

Ben doesn't like arias. Mike doesn't like concerts.

So I'm looking forward to this one. So here we go.
This is Rosie's Mozart version.

send an email,

you must give vice to the postmasters that came before.

And if you call me,

there's some old shit.

When you send an email,

like a postmaster showing your horse,

like a postmaster showing your horse.

Give me your hope,

my people best.

Oh my god.

Superb. But Ben, all your first first goes at every jingle are basically last battle

because

it happens with that same voice, like heritage in your Vietnamese blood. It's just a harpsichord rather than the piano, is the only difference, isn't it? Yeah, you have...

You sing in the castrato range, don't you?

It's a byproduct of the amount of calvery food you've eaten.

It's giving you a beautifully soft castrato. It's because of all the hormones and the illegal meats, isn't it?

It's the pig-fattening hormones. It's the beef-leaning

hormones. It's the lamb-shattering hormones.

Yeah.

And also the hormones that they give those goats to make them come out looking like broccoli, because the broccoli they serve is actually meat.

It's broccolizing hormones. Broccolized goats.
Yeah. Broccolized goats.

Rosie, that was really good. Thank you so much for saying that.
That's superb.

That was so good. You know what? I've never in my life have I more wanted to just exist in the time of the Prussia or wherever the fuck Mozart existed and whenever the fuck that was.

Our first email is from Jennifer. Hello, this one's short and sweet.
Thanks, Jennifer. She said, listen to Film Corner,

which, by the way, is one of our Patreon spin-off episodes. Drilled into my finger.
End of email.

Okay, now

just to be clear to people. Just to be clear to people, that's an accidental drilling, we think, isn't it? It's not in order to gain some semblance of feeling alive.

Is it? Ben, what do you think?

It's an accidental drilling, right? I don't know.

There's a pattern emerging.

So do you think,

what do you think that is, Mike? Do you think that's deliberate? I don't know. Is it an irritation? I don't know that any, even they would know if it's deliberate.
I mean, I think it goes deep.

I think it's deepest, more primordial than that. Yeah.
It's spine brain. So anyway, it's a proper reflex.

We do,

that's the reason we do recommend chainmail gloves.

Listen to the podcast wearing chainmail gloves or medieval gauntlets, which you can normally get someone to make for you online, bespoke for about four or five thousand pounds,

isn't it? But, and weirdly, it does help to listen to the podcast if you are operating industrial machinery.

Because generally, if you're in, if you're certainly if you're legally operating industrial machinery, you'll be wearing a hard hat, you'll be probably wearing super, super reflective clothing, very, very hard, hard-shell gloves.

You know what I mean? You're in a safety,

you're actually in, you actually, to be honest, there's nowhere safer to do most things than if you're operating industrial machinery.

There's huge amounts of money at stake, there's massive insurance protocols, there's a lot of health and safety

boots, hardmail boots. So, basically, if in doubt, try and get a job as a crane operator or something for you.
Yeah, do get your Forkliff license before listening, I would say.

It's quite just a baseline. Yeah, yeah.
We've had an email from Jared.

Hello, Jared. Jared says, I wonder whether you could move into another direction.
Topical political chat.

I know politics doesn't come up much outside of the context of witheringly Swiftian satire, but there's a real niche here.

Based on anecdote analysis, I think you could cover three key points on the political spectrum. Ben, right-wing,

brackets, Victorian industrialist.

Okay, interesting.

Is this based on a sort of personality bracket? I think this is based on what he's heard us say over the past few years. Okay, okay.

So he's pegging me as right wing, brackets, Victorian industrialist. Certainly, none of that's ringing not true.

It checks out. Okay.
Mike.

Right wing. Brackets, provincial thriller reading sabre rattler.
Oh, that's cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Henry, right wing.

It's good to have all the wings covered, or all sections of the same wing, at least, covered. Brackets.
Ancient Régie Marquis who shaves his head so he can wear powdered wigs. Brackett's closed.

Very good.

Very good. Thanks for your podcast, Jared from Australia.

Love it. Thanks, Jared.
Yeah, so we are the wide, we cover the whole spectrum of right wing in Jared's vision.

Absolutely. Yeah.
I will remind everyone that we are politically neutral. We are politically neutral.
We don't care if you live or die.

Bring back hanging, don't bring back hanging. Nationalise the railway, don't nationalise the railway.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. But the Overton window has moved now, hasn't it?

So that just means

we have to be right-wing. Yeah, yeah, I mean, yeah, as podcasters.
What's the Overton window? So sort of what's acceptable within sort of political and media landscapes. Really?

Yeah. I don't.

Why is it called the Overton window? It would have been described by a man called David Overton, I imagine.

So at the moment, what's acceptable is shifted to the right.

Yes,

like

people doing the sort of gestures on stage that were widely would have been seen as offensive a short while ago and are being done by high-profile figures. The fact that I do pelvic thrusts

during my new life experiment, Mike, it's just a way of getting the energy up.

Yeah. Okay, yeah.
Yeah, okay, yeah, interesting.

Tommy Mills. Hello, Tom.

Dear Beans, due to the rip-roaring success of the podcast, I can only assume that it will run for decades with you three at the helm, followed by centuries of the podcast being hosted by AI replica Bean Husks.

Yes. However, there is one terrifying event that may throw a spanner in the works.

In the year 2040, which I'm sure you can agree is just on the horizon, the month of February will have a leap fifth Wednesday.

Good God.

Holy shit.

so if you're born on that day you technically won't exist

you're fully off grid you're completely off grid

and you won't have to pay tax but you also won't be due medicaid which also won't exist anymore because everything will be controlled by drones anyway wow medi drones

medi drones

And the Medi drones will actually, their job will be to clean your infection, i.e. destroy you, because human life has been calculated to be an illness.
This is intolerable to me.

Tom, thank you so much for flagging this up. This means we basically have just under 15 years to find another way for

the calendar to adjust itself.

This is what's going to bring the world together, finally. Well, he then says, not only that, but in 2040, Valentine's Day and Pancake Day will both happen on the same day.
No, that's gross.

I find that gross. That can't be right.
Shrovelmas.

Valen Schroves. Valen Schroves.

I'm going to let you into something quite... I'm going to let the listener into something quite personal.
Okay.

Me and my betrothed,

we eschew Valentine's Day and we observe instead Pancake Day. It's the date of our first ever date.
Oh, nice.

We both find Valentine's Day gross. It is, yeah.
But I've heard, Mike, that the real reason of that is because for you guys, every other day is actually Valentine's Day. Yeah.

It's constant heart-shaped chocolates, heart-shaped balloons. Yeah.

I'm reading the story of martyred saints.

That sounds like a good philosophy.

So that's going to be. He's going to throw a spanner in the words.

Isn't pancake day a bit hard to observe, especially with kids and stuff like midweek, you suddenly got to make pancakes in the morning? Is that really annoying? How do you do it in the evening?

We do it all the lived long day. You just make pancakes all day.
Well, thanks for letting us know about that, Tom.

As Mike says, we've got what? 15 years to think about how to do it. A couple of little questions that spring up.
What the hell does he actually mean, this bloke?

So I think he means that there'll be five Wednesdays in the month of February, creating a fifth. When possible, because

February has 29 days max.

What's 29 divided by seven? Give me a second.

It's 29. I'm not going to help you this

by seven. It's 4.1.

So there's a maximum of 4.1 sevens

in 29.

I think he's suggesting that the 1st of February would be a Wednesday, and therefore the 29th of February would also be a Wednesday. How's that, Henry? I have no idea what you mean.

But this is the problem. Are you counting this? This is what Tom is going to have to face because most of the world will be like, this sounds like rubbish.
It's nonsense. It can't be true.
But

leap years

happen

when every four years there isn't a February. There just isn't time.

A leap year happens because there's a spare day every four years. They stick it on at the end of February, 29th.
Right. Yeah, okay.

So, what he's saying is in 2040, there'll be a February where not only is there the extra day,

the fourth Wednesday will be a 29th. No, no, the fifth Wednesday,

the fifth Wednesday will be a 29th. The fifth Wednesday will be a 29th,

which will mean

that.

Oh, God.

it's so big i can't actually comprehend it and it feels like it might not be that big but that's a mistake because of how big it actually is correct yeah

yeah

it's like what's the biggest monster possible was it a goat with the face of a child oh it's a child with the face of a goat wasn't that that's the weirdest monster possible maybe like

it's you're standing on it that's the biggest monster oh fuck i didn't realize it i was just having a picnic i thought no you're on it the field is the monster oh god it's one of those.

Last emails from Alex. Hello, Alex.
Hello, Beans. I recently lost a pub quiz by a small margin.

One of the questions we got wrong asked: which of the British intelligence services does foreign intelligence? I can never remember whether it's MI5 or MI6.

Could you, brackets mainly looking at Mike here, give me a helpful rhyme to help me remember the difference? Thanks a bunch, Alex. That's actually quite handy.
I could do with this.

That's handy because I always forget.

So MI5 is home, isn't it? And MI6 is abroad. If your problem is in Centre Ives,

the people you're looking for are MI5.

However, if the problem is in the territory where you might find the birthplace town of Hans Blicks,

very good, Henry.

Then the people you need are MI6. MI5 stays on the British Isles.
You louder half-rim? Yeah. MI6 takes dodgy holiday pics.

I like it.

Quite good, yeah. Yeah.

It's time

to pay the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

forward slash three bean salad

Thanks to everyone who signed up at our Patreon. Thank you.
Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad. If you sign up, you get bonus episodes.

If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, not only do you get video episodes,

you also get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge. Indeed, you do.
And Mike was there last night. I was.
It was sculpting your favourite horror characters from Root Veg night, wasn't it?

It was indeed. Thank you, Henry.
And here's my report. It was sculpting your favourite horror character from Root Veg night last night at the Sean Bean Lounge.

In the life-sized section, Rachel Watson teamed up with Ben, Luke, and Sue to make a Beatroot Freddy Krueger.

While Joshua Wood, Stephanie Mangano, and Archie GMWSBMB sculpted an impressive Pennywise from a prize-winning Korean Yam.

In the small wall-mounted television during a close-up-sized section, Eva Finney, The Darkness, and JKS wowed with a Hannibal Lecter made from balanced radishes, although it toppled down when Claire Bean, Will Bryant, Sam Emsley, and Gumbo3000 fired up the arrowroot speakers on their turnip Phantom of the Opera.

Logan Cordy and Ed Whiteley won the Potato Jason competition with a Maris Piper sculpture of the one-off of Friday the 13th, with silver and bronze going to Ezra Riers and Sarah Thornley for their King Edward Stathan, and Nick Argaropoulos and Cyril's Donovan Dauphin Noirs respectively.

Louise McCabe, Colin Ruddock, Josie Sutton and Crispin Heath's garlic That Woman from Misery that Cathy Bates played was eaten as a dare by Sam Thomas, who is then roasted by Madeline Bilek, grated by Matty Ford, incorporated into a pile of pork mints by Robin Mills, and served on a sourdough toast by Toast.

In the red corner, a choofer Michael Myers, handcarved by Anna Blackwell, Alex Marshall and Sarah took on a celeriac Norman Bates built by Keely Jones, Graham D., Matty Fall and Rev. Dr.
Swan.

The bout was neck and neck until interrupted by Christopher Griffin and Ben Iford, lobbing a Jerusalem to choke Leatherface into the ring.

This act of sabotage led many spectators to think the fight had moved to a free-for-all.

And in moments, Melanie Raganau had luzzed in a carrot pinhead, Itaya Sor, a turmeric ghostface, and Jeremy Rubin, Tom Wilkins, Bradley Levantine, and Shyra Adriance hurled in a blood-spattered pig nut carry.

In the Onion Zone, Din, Lorraine, Samantha Hughes, Simon Neville, and Diggory Laycock all presented horseradish Chucky relief sculptures.

The Ungovernable Menace teamed up with Dana Smith, Rebecca Harper, Sarah King, and Louise Parkin to make a 3D collage scallion Dracula, and Jenna Roberts, Charlotte, Linky, Walker underscore Inc., and Justin Moore pooled their resources to make an Immotep on the Rampage with a single shallot.

David F.

sold out, Quentin Weed, and Sam Shine almost won a discretionary award for their Parsnip Frankenstein's Monster, but were outdone by Robbie McInnis, Helen McLean, and Robbie Crowther using Earthnut P to sculpt Frankenstein's Monsters Monster.

Matt Patterson, Barney Marney, and Fred Wu were caught attempting to rustle up a last-minute Brassica Frankenstein's Monsters Monsters Monster in an attempt to win a gong, but instead they found their sculpture and themselves mulched into Sean Bean's sweet potato compost to aid in the growing of root veg for future events and root veg-based public holidays.

Elsewhere, Tana Shea presented a to scale the iceberg from Titanic sculpted from Groundnut, and Cape Raven bowled over the crowd literally and figuratively with a massive fennel sculpture of one of the bees that killed Macaulay Culkin in My Girl.

Thanks all. Okay, that's your show.
Let's finish off with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot.

And this one is from Oliver.

Thank you, Oliver. Thanks, Ollie.
Have you ollied him?

I've ollied him. I've gone straight to Ollie.
I reckon he's he reckon, you know, he listens to the pod. I think we're cool, you know, Ollie.

Unless he's one of those people that listens to the pod, despite Henry Packer, of which there are. A growing constituency.
A growing.

A growing and increasingly voluble. Constituency.
Another word I struggle with.

Meteorological constituency. Oliver writes, long time listener, Ratmus Forever.

I sent in a cover of the intro theme a few years ago, but I guess it got lost. Well.
May have been accidentally transferred into the

folder of ones that Ben thought wasn't very good.

No, they all get played. Sometimes they just fall between the gaps, the digi cracks.
So he sent it again, which is a good idea if you have sent one and we haven't used it.

So this is from Oliver, and it's a retro video game version. Oh, nice.
Cool. So that's the end of the show.
See you next time.

Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you very much.
Bye. Cheerio.