Peter Pan

Good morning, good morning, happy new year.

Happy New Year's last week.

Oh yeah, so we're of course because we're this is our first that we're recording in the new year.

Happy New Year to the next year.

Because for us it's Happy New Year.

I've got that fiddly situation one huh.

How late is it when you have to stop saying Happy New Year?

God.

I could think it's the first thing I say to someone when I see them for the first time in the new year, but what if I don't see them till March?

Yeah,

oh, observational.

These days, a lot of people don't stop saying it until February.

The next year,

it's Happy New Year's for 2023.

People, I'm still getting some of that from people.

That's how long we keep it going.

And they've got the Christmas decorations out for 2034.

Yeah, that's how long they've been avoiding you.

What?

What?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

They've got the Easter eggs out already in some places as well.

Playing all the Easter hits.

They're mainly Cliff Richard, aren't they?

They're

rabbit of our Lord.

All hail the golden rabbit of our Lord.

I was searching for a chocolate egg and I found you.

My chocolate egg.

That's right.

I'm singing to a literal chocolate egg.

With whom I'm now engaged to be married.

My family doesn't like the fact that I'm gonna marry a chocolate egg.

And so they're gonna crucify you.

Nails through the egg.

Nails through the egg.

On a caramel crass.

Well, the rabbits weep blood.

The rabbits weep blood.

It's confusing to time, isn't it, Easter?

It is confusing.

It's a confusing time.

So it's good to get stuck into discussing it in mid-Jan, isn't it?

You can get ahead of it.

You can think about your shroving.

Yeah, for your example, early doors.

Your shriving.

I've been asked about it.

When you're going to shrive or shrove.

Yes,

you're shrieved.

Yeah.

The purging, the shaving.

Yeah.

Is anyone already starting to feel a little bit Christmassy, by the way?

Can I say that?

It's partly because there's quite a lot of Christmas decorations still around.

Most trees are still up.

It's actually got me feeling a bit Christmassy.

Oh, it's that time of year when Christmas trees are being fly-tipped left, right, and centre.

They are, aren't they?

And I sometimes think, little economic little tip here.

Bake yourself a half-dead one.

Celebrate Christmas with your family a month late.

Do you know what?

That actually crossed my mind because

we didn't put up our Christmas tree until Christmas Eve.

Yeah, because you're chief Grinch.

No, not really.

Just because

you wait for them to knock down the prices.

And it's a Mexican standoff.

Who's going to blink first?

You wait, you wait, you wait.

They're seconds from closing.

Clan Scalore.

And he goes, Who are you going to sell this to?

Hey, a time traveler.

And a lot of the time you do it so late that you hang Easter eggs on the tree because Easter eggs are already out.

You hang Easter eggs on the tree.

They're basically an edible bauble.

In a way, it's better than a bauble.

Yeah, gone.

So our tree went up on Christmas Eve.

How did you get it to your home and where from?

I got it to my home because it was already in my home because it lives in a box.

Sorry, I forgot.

So I forgot.

So it's just a D-moth balling, isn't it?

A lot of people have the smell of Christmas like tree leaves, don't they, in the house?

The pine.

But with you, it's...

It's bits of, it's dust particles burning off plastic.

That's right.

Yeah, it's dust particle on an LED.

Yeah.

And maybe some dust mites that have died in there over the year.

Or freshly died when you turn on the lights.

when you turn on the lights listen for those tiny screams

it's like a little mini apocalypse isn't it that you're

i did actually i i i tell a lie i did actually buy i bought a real tree in asda on christmas eve because they were so heavily discounted and i got like a mini one just didn't make sense not to buy one you didn't want to buy one but it actually didn't make financial sense to not buy one it's true it was one pound fifty that's almost cheaper than not having a tree when you think about the admin the admin costs of not having a tree quite similar you're almost it's within the margin of error, isn't it?

So you might as well gamble on it.

But it had become so weak because it had been sunning in asthma for over a month.

So when I put a bauble on it, the whole thing sort of just collapsed.

It was a zero bauble tree.

That's how they're measured by bauble strength.

So you knew this drop and non-drop, the whole tree was drop.

It was a drop that was drop tree.

No,

the needles didn't come off.

It just kind of bent over.

No, the needle.

It wouldn't have had needles.

It wouldn't have had needles by the time you bought it.

It was the mighty trunk that bent as I put it.

I think you might have been sold a birch whip.

Oh, that's lovely stuff.

Yeah, so decorations went up on Christmas Eve.

And then my next door neighbour on Boxing Day at like 9 a.m.,

their tree was out the front.

Done with.

They'd taken all their decorations down.

Christmas was over.

Oh, that's a bit joyful.

Which Which is a lot of people do this, I think.

I find it a little bit upsetting, actually, when I see that happen.

It's a bit transactional, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's a bit like

we've done our, you've woken up in bed next to a Christmas tree and you're not even getting it breakfast.

Is it a bit like that?

You're like getting an Uber, mate.

On your app, don't on mine.

Yeah, on your app.

You're not going to do it on mine.

You're not going to affect my.

It's not going to affect my Uber rating.

Yeah.

Because if you're dropping pine needles inside the taxi,

I'm going to get marked down from not having it.

Yeah.

that is that is transaction.

So, and what did they do with it?

Did they um they sort of put it outside the front of their house?

No, it must have been there for days.

No one's picking up your Christmas tree pickup service, they don't start.

Well, that's true, exactly.

So, it's, I think, it won't be picked up until this week, potentially.

Yeah, they're just staring at the ghost of Christmas, it's just going to sit there.

You know what it's going to look like?

A symbol, a symbol of something.

It can't not look like a symbol, can it?

A Christmas tree lying down on the ground and exposed to the elements.

It's actually standing up.

Are you sure it's not just a tree?

Ah, yes.

It's a tree, isn't it?

Yeah, okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Some people replant them in their gardens, don't they?

Well, that's my plan with my £1.50 Little Hero.

Sure.

Get some strength back into it.

Nice idea.

Don't have any ground I can plant into because my backyard is entirely paved.

Sell it back to Aldi for a profit.

And of course, it's a tree, so they can use bifurcation to replicate it infinitely, can't they?

You can explain that to them.

What I'm selling here is infinite wood.

How much is that worth?

Billions?

You could build an Armada.

The Aldi Galleon reign.

Coming soon.

Or...

We make it much simpler.

You just give me controlling rights in ASDA.

I want a place on the board.

I want to be CEO and MTO of CFS.

And look, you look sceptical, but just imagine a forest where you can't see the ends of it.

And I want a company car, by which I mean a heavy goods vehicle.

With ASDA livery.

People talk about not being able to see the wood for the trees.

You won't be able to see

for the more forest.

That's the scale we're talking about.

I'm talking about

infinite beavers.

which brings me to my next pitch

this may look like a guinea pig

have you tried low-calorie beaver yogurt

and you can you can use bifurcation to

to reproduce this beaver infinitely and that's an infinite amount of yogurts and what's that yes you're also selling an infinite amount of spoons from your new

spoons range

not no not all cutlery just spoons sorry how are you offering them infinite spoons, Tony?

You know what?

Look at that.

That's the brilliant, incisive legal mind of Bonjamin, picking out this little wader second.

And that's why, Bonjamin, actually, the reveal is this.

The whole thing about Beavers and Wood was a lie.

Actually, you're trying to sell yourself as does main lawyer.

And you accidentally bought 10,000 spoons last month and you're trying to shift them again.

Exactly.

So I put up my decorations on Christmas Eve.

Next source tree went on the street on Boxing Day.

So I thought, well, I could just have it.

Oh, my, that's what, yes, that's what you were thinking.

Mike and I, we don't have criminal brains.

I didn't think of that.

Wouldn't have occurred to me.

Literally, not in a million years.

We don't have criminal brains.

I wouldn't have stolen it.

I would have gone around and said, look,

we're still full of the joys of Christmas here.

And it would be awful if anything was to happen to your wife or children, wouldn't it?

Especially at this time of year.

So do we have an agreement?

i've got infinite beavers in the house and they need wood for the mere price of peace of mind

which you can't put a price on but if you did a tree would probably be a bargain frankly but have i told you before about our christmas tradition in this house i think so sure so basically we always end up putting up the the decorations much too late just out of like

i'd like to say busyness but it's kind of late procrastination getting yeah exactly just stuff stuff happens and gets in the way we just never get around to it yeah so it goes up really late.

And so then we never feel like taking it down when you meant to take it down because it's only been up for a bit.

Yes.

And then we found out the other year that in medieval times they didn't take anything down until Candlemas.

Which is when?

Which is February the 1st.

But is it?

Are we about to have the conversation about 12th night?

Are we?

Is that 12th night?

No, no, no.

That's way past it.

That's way past 12th night.

That's 12th night plus.

Is it?

That's that's what you can sign it to with my scheme 12th night plus christmas deluxe

that's like 36th night or something yeah yeah because it's the it's what what date did you say it was can what so when is candle mass first of feb oh my lord blindly so basically in the medieval times christmas began on christmas day

okay there was no christmas Gubbins before then.

How wrong did they have it?

Because that's the worst possible way to do Christmas.

It's to not have the build-up, which is the only good.

There's no preparation time.

Yeah, exactly.

But the build-up, the preparation, getting in the vibe is nice.

You're just starting on the day, the worst bit.

Oh, gosh, I'm gonna make a turkey.

Oh, Jesus Christ, all my relatives are here.

Oh, God, the Coventry Gang will be here in 1990.

Coventry gang, I hate the Coventry Gang.

Slaughter the birds, slaughter the birds, slaughter anything you can see.

Go the potatoes, Elf, Elf, Elf, we've got to watch Elf.

Okay, so then so they would just start it on the day and then they would do the build-up retrospectively, kind of, yeah.

Then it was like a

period of feasting and whatever okay yeah and that kind of went on until early feb

but we've sort of put it backwards so because that existed there's historical precedent we just leave our stuff up basically until feb because of the historical precedent so how often does that does historical precedent come into decision making

that's interesting well if it if it can justify some very slatternly behavior then but you'll reach you'll actually reach into medieval times i will yeah so if for example i'm covered in boils which happens occasionally i'll say don't worry this is a medieval tradition you'll make your partner wear a horsehair cassock exactly if she's not already wearing one yeah well interesting little insight that was yeah but also i guess a problem you don't have you see one thing which which if you have a a natural tree they start to sag oh yeah mine can stay up all year round whereas yours can stay up for a thousand years

can't it yeah

even if you bury it it'll be in its plasticky simulation of festivity.

Completely odorless.

Welcome.

This is all that has survived of the civilization of mankind.

So

what's your policy with this stuff?

With trees and stuff.

Is your one still hanging around now at this point?

I'm similarly passive, a bit like with the window cleaning.

At some point, a man,

and it usually is a man, will drop a small paper note through our letterbox saying, I'm picking up Christmas trees for a viva tomorrow.

That's my getting conned yet again.

Unbelievable.

You are like.

So I merely make sure that I put my pot of cash outside the front door the following day.

Is it time for a patsy jingle?

I think it's time for myself.

It's 100% time

for the biggest patsy in the southwest.

Oh, hello there.

Welcome to the Patsy Zoes.

And if you could just close your eyes and sign here, here, here, and here.

Okay.

No, it's not two old bits of toenails shoved into a potato.

It's a Bitcoin.

Oh, I see.

How do you know I'm actually from your bank?

Well, if I wasn't, would I be asking for your bank details?

Of course.

Take me to the cleaners.

So, yeah, they come for the Christmas Patsies and yeah.

I lie upon my back with my belly in the air

and they they take what they want.

But I see you've got to take down the baubles off it.

You don't just have a...

Well, that's the thing they'll do the day before, so there's warning, you see.

So

you know you're coming.

Did you say...

So who puts a fiver through whose door again?

Can you just go back to that?

A man will put a slip of paper through my

paper through your door.

Saying that he's coming

the next day.

And

if I leave him a fiver

and the tree outside, then away it'll go.

So you leave him a fiver, and for five pounds, you're giving him infinite wood.

Five pounds.

Yeah, and there'll be other people who

abhor that.

The non-Patsy crowd, you know, maybe they'll go down to the recycling centre, put it in the, you know, recycling chipper, what have you.

Here in Cardiff, Mike, the council pick them up for free.

Do they really?

Yeah.

There's a certain day they come around, pick them all up.

I mean, that may be the case here.

I've no idea.

It might be that the guy comes around to Patsy's the day before that.

So

we don't know.

You see, Mike, what you don't realise, Mike, is that there is a thing called

the Council.

Okay.

There are things like there are governmental structures.

Yeah, yeah.

And what happens is these things, they cradle us, citizens of the country, they cradle us, don't they?

And they look after us in lots of situations.

And we have become very babies.

We have become

suckling.

You're infantilised.

Suckling on the council.

So the mini-state.

But we have.

Oh, where am I going to park my car?

Oh, I don't know.

Oh, look.

There's a big, there's a big council teat in the form of a multi-story car park.

I'm going to suckle on that.

Because I don't actually have my own brain.

Are you launching your candidacy for reform?

Is that what this is?

2025 and Trump and Teller is going to become.

Are you going to be a sovereign parker?

That's quite a good nickname for me.

No, I think the state is a good thing, right?

But in between these structures...

And us, there are gaps.

And in between those gaps, con artists thrive like rats within the walls of a building.

And what's happened is, Mike, you're insulated from the state by these people that have intervened and put little notes through your door and written things in the grime on the back of your car, haven't they?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do get a lot of bills that way.

And they do things like they say,

ram a wodge of 20s up your exhaust and it'll be gone by morning.

It is.

It is.

And so will the dump problem in your living room.

But the dump problem is still there, isn't it?

apparently takes years sometimes to sort that out yeah and you've got to keep the 20s coming

you've got to keep them in your no but i think people are intervening so that guy's getting his note to you before you know you're able to recognize what ben can see which is the council has solutions to this we're paying we're paying tax mike but you're paying twice because you're paying the con artists

yeah i'm good for the economy is that what you're saying but yeah you're very much in the kind of brown envelopes kind of i know a guy will sort out a thing don't worry you don't actually have to send your children to school because i know i actually know a a genuine wise man

and

he'll sort them out.

And for sports, I've got an anaconda and I put it in an added ass sock.

And he's going to be in charge of sports for them.

Yeah.

Just going to shove some 20s up the exhaust of your car.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know your car has gone, but we've left an old exhaust.

So you can still use that.

Remember, we're cleaning your car every day,

all day.

Click on the oil price on peace of mind regarding car hygiene.

Precious cargo, Mike.

Precious cargo.

Keep those 20s coming.

Also, 90% of domestic deaths happen in the car.

So, actually, I'm saving your life in a way.

Yeah.

And that's why we're moving you and all of your family into this tent in a small cops just outside of town.

With the exhaust pipe.

I say cops.

It's

a roundabout.

Actually,

enough talk about cops.

That's one of my trigger words.

Mike, of course, pays for his own sort of police force that come around

five or a day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The militia, they come round, yeah.

Well, you say militia is Trisha, isn't it?

Trisha.

Big Trish.

Big Trish.

And her...

Yeah, and her half a snooker queue.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, it's the left half, isn't it?

Which means it's

this

got very little strength to it, that cue.

Well, she tried to bifurcate it instead of

some of the scams.

Something told her she'd get infinite snooker cues.

Let's turn on the beam machine.

Yes, please.

This week's topic as sent in by Robin from Weymouth.

Hello, Robin from Weymouth.

Thanks, Robin.

Is Weymouth near you, Mike?

I've got no idea where Weymouth is.

The south coast is

a fair bit east of here.

Okay.

Okay.

So local rivalry?

It's not quite...

It's too many places in between, really.

Okay.

Bigger fish to find places that you loathe in between.

Exactly.

Or unite against a con common enemy.

Yeah.

And in a pincer movement.

What is Exeter's kind of like number one.

Plymouth.

Plymouth.

Those idiots.

That's definitely like the football derby thing is Exeter and Plymouth.

Plymouth Argyle.

And

if you were doing a stand-up gig

or something like that, and you wanted to get the sort of the sort of automaton response of, of,

you say Plymouth, and people go,

and the same thing will happen the other way around.

If you go on stage in Plymouth and say, I'm from Exeter, they'll go,

do you know what I mean?

And you can normally pad that out for about 10 to 15 minutes, can't you?

But don't get it the wrong way around.

Don't go on stage in Plymouth and go, Plymouth,

you only make once.

It's a mistake you only make once.

And you'll be able to think about it at your leisure because all you'll be is a head staple to the wall of a pub in Plymouth

if anyone listening you know maybe is interested in getting into stand-up wants to pick up some tips yes if you can't get laughter a wee is close it can stand in yeah yes oh yeah it's because it's a bit of time it's the same muscle groups isn't it

it's the same

essentially mike that's how you think about it isn't it you think think about it as stimulating facial muscle groups.

Precisely.

Yes.

It's all about base brain reflexes.

It's about baseball.

It's basically sort of Pilates, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's spinal.

I'd have a sort of spinal approach to it.

And it's using a succession of oural stimuli, which other people would remember.

That's why no one can remember any of it after it's done.

Exactly.

Just a vague sensation that they might have wasted a tenor.

And that's amazing.

Yeah.

And then a sort of fug, isn't there?

There is a post-gig fug they'll be in for a while.

Yeah.

Probably don't recommend eating solids, do you, for about 24 hours

after

Mike talks about it?

Yeah, there are people with information pamphlets on the way out.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

For post-care.

And the whole, you insist the whole venue is surrounded almost by latrines.

Yes.

By latrines.

Well, you dig a latrine trench, don't you?

Yeah.

No, that's very true, Ben, isn't it?

It's about going, ooh,

and

little tips for anyone starting stand-up.

Just work out the name of the town, the nearest town, just say that word and go.

And you're off.

You're absolutely off.

You're off to the races.

Although the truth is, the irony is that local town that's next door to them is actually probably quite similar and actually probably share quite a lot of the same values.

That's not something to bring up during your set.

Unless you're doing alternative comedy,

but you're likely to not get rebooked.

It's funny that, isn't it, though?

Why is it that humankind, you know, if you take a town or a place, it's always the place next door that they hate?

It's the vanity of small differences.

Exactly.

Oh, beautifully put.

Other examples of that include.

And let's clear some sort of jingle.

Because I've never understood what men means.

Do you know what that means?

The vanity of small differences.

It's a Freud thing, isn't it?

Is it like if Mike sees someone with a moustache very, very slightly bigger than his, he'll lose his shit?

Doesn't happen.

Doesn't happen.

Doesn't happen.

Doesn't happen, Henry.

Or I was going to say, even slightly more lustrous.

Right, that's it.

Is that what it's about?

So if I was to meet a man even more perfectly bald than me and with a more apricot-like texture, the surface of his cranium.

It looks even more like a cross between Ben Fogel and Nosferatu.

Even more perfectly found that overlap in the Venn diagram.

He's got the creepiness of Nosferatu, but the sense that he'd be really good at getting up a steep, sort of steep surface of Fogel.

He's even more frightening than Nosferatu.

Nos Fogratu?

I think that's the best one so far, yeah.

You know what?

If that stayed in the actual final edition of this podcast, we've really screamed.

We've really struggled.

Okay, so the topic was sent in by Robin from Weymouth, and it is

Peter Pan.

Okay.

Is that you playing a sort of flute?

Does the Peter Pan play a flute?

I'm not sure what that was.

I can't remember much about Peter Pan, though.

I'm just, yeah, I'm having to sort of reacquaint myself with what is Peter Pan.

So that is the kid.

He never grows up.

He never grows up.

He lives with the.

Is it the Lost Boys, they're called

in this magical place.

Neverland?

Is it called?

Oh, yes.

So does he from a magical place where no one ever grows up?

The boys,

him and the Lost Boys, they never grow up.

But why?

Is it like a pituitary grand problem or like a hormonal thing?

I think it's a combination.

It's multifactorial, isn't it?

I think a lot of it's diet,

actually.

Neverland is where they did a lot of the early nuclear testing.

That's right.

It was, it was bikini, it was just next to Bikini Atoll, wasn't it?

And it absolutely zapped all of their glands.

Yeah, okay, good.

Yeah, interesting.

Basically, the idea was if you could zap all the pituitary glands of everyone in Russia, you would have a nation of children,

wouldn't you?

Which would therefore be easier to control?

Yeah, so let me let me.

And there's a dog in it called Nana.

I remember that.

But the thing is, are you basing it on the Disnefation, Ben?

Because I always go back to the original.

Hubert Mavlands.

Pietro de Pagni.

Based on the original Hungarian folktale,

which he unearthed while exploring the Hungarian lowlands.

About a pan-faced boy, wasn't it?

Yeah.

A profoundly violent pan-faced boy.

profoundly violent pan-faced boy

one of the most horrifying folk tales around us yeah

and um

he um murders adolescents on behalf of the of the ladleman

i've got a peter pan fact i think okay a sort of qi style peter pan fact that might be wrong yeah i think jm barry who wrote peter pan Yeah, might be wrong already.

Yeah.

But I think I'm okay.

I think you're okay.

I think he made up the name Wendy.

Oh, that's a nice one.

Oh, that's familiar.

I've heard that before.

I think the world's first Wendy was in Peter Pan.

I've heard that before.

Yeah.

Because we've discussed, I think, the fact that Gary Cooper was the first person to be called Gary.

We've discussed that.

Gary Cooper was also created by J.M.

Barry.

You think so, yeah.

Yeah.

That's quite a good fact.

Why would you do that?

Why would you just go, right?

So

I've got a magical character, right?

This magical character can fly.

He never grows up.

I'm going to call him Peter.

He should have been called something crazy.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, I wonder why.

Isn't there something else with the Wendy?

Was it like an affectionate nickname of someone in his life?

So I've looked it up, Mike, and you're right.

Okay.

The name was inspired by a daughter of Barry's friend.

Margaret reportedly used to call Barry my Fuendi.

With the common childhood difficulty of pronouncing Rs.

This came out as my Fuendi and my Fuendi Wendy.

God, that's lame.

But apparently, before

Wendy was not the first Wendy, because Wendy used to be a man's name

in the 1600s.

For example, during the English Civil War, there was a male Captain Wendy Oxford.

Oh, nice.

Crikey.

Who was a spy?

Oh,

he sounds wonderful.

The name's Oxford.

Wendy Oxford.

You don't know how to react to that, do you, guys?

I've got you right where I want you.

Exactly.

So, in Peter Pan, right?

Yeah.

I'm just trying to remember the story still.

Wendy is just a kid in a normal world.

Yes, well, a normal, as like a sort of Chelsea, Kensington-type normal world.

Yeah.

God, that's the other thing about a lot of children's, a lot of things from this era.

They're from quite nice corners of West London.

Yeah, because, like, what's the one about the nanny who can fly?

Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins.

I mean, they're crazy.

I had a feeling the railway children were initially based somewhere posh in West London before they had to flee to the countryside.

Paddington.

Those are West London.

There we go.

There we go.

Yeah, they're West London.

Absolutely stinking rich.

And it's financial money.

It's money with blood on it.

Money, isn't it?

It's blood diamonds.

It's blood diamonds.

Yeah, they're cleaning up cartel dosh by day creaming it off the top and have a lovely wholesome family time in the evening yeah oh well we've met a little a little um oh a quaint little quirky bear that can talk yeah you've got the blood of thousands on your hands just week we've got to deal with a peruvian gang i was on the phone to peru early on today yeah peruvian cartels isn't it i've just bought a guano mine

What's that?

Yes, use your political influence to lower the age at which children can start working in the mines.

Can you leave me alone?

I'm trying to have a quirky conversation with a cute bear.

Just lower the age.

Just lower it.

What do you mean they can't afford a roof over their heads?

They're working in a mine.

It's almost all roof.

Now, shall we get that little bear a new Mac?

Because I think we'd be a cuter in

a new Mac.

We've learned stuff about ourselves as a family on the bones of thousands of families all around the world.

But our little family is having a cute time with a bear.

And ironically, we have to shoot quite a lot of bears that get into the mine.

We do.

Because they're wreaking havoc with the JCBs.

Yeah.

And luckily, we're a modern family.

My wife works for BAE Systems and they've designed, haven't they, AI guns that can identify bears and shoot them and automatically strafe them with machine gun fire, which was easy to do?

You just drop them into South America.

You just drop them.

Sure, they don't kill bears initially.

They kill anything that moves, but they learn.

That's the point.

The guns learn.

That's right.

And it means also we don't have to employ any of the locals to operate the guns anymore, which means our margins increase.

Because of the redundant mercenaries.

Yes, we have caused the mercenary redundancy crisis in South America.

That's down to us.

They can't feed themselves.

I know.

And there's lots of unemployed, heavily armed men wandering South america

what's that paddington you want some new wellingtons of course

of course you can let's get ones with little little stars on

oh

what's that they're having to eat their grandmothers so sorry i thought you said they were hungry are they hungry or are they eating their grandmothers because it's one or the other

anyway i've got to go paddington's running a bath and we

it could get messy it could get a bit messy here oh paddington

so in peterpan you've got Wendy, who lives in West London.

Her parents were rich beyond your wildest dreams.

And she has some brothers and sisters, I think, and a dog.

Yes, I think so.

There's at least a brother.

How do they come into contact with magical Peter Pan who flies and he flies through the window, doesn't he?

Isn't it Tinkerbell initially?

What is she doing there?

Asking for help.

Why is she asking a child?

Don't know.

Maybe she thinks that they're trust fund children and therefore it's actually financial financial help they need.

They need to buy arms, supplies.

It's a logistics thing, really.

It's probably a logistics thing.

It's probably

an unexpected consequence of some sort of military prototype

for a weapon

that completely removes the skin.

Because Tinkerbell is essentially just...

She's a drone, really, isn't she?

She's a deep Intel drone.

She's a first drone.

She's a deep Intel drone.

She's a drone that can get through cracks in windows.

Yeah.

And it's something they've been.

Maybe they just think they can get some personal information off the children that will unlock various sort of passwords and sort of they can gain access to the accounts of the

financier parents or something like that.

It's probably that.

Wendy, think, think.

Have you ever seen them on the Santendo website?

What were their hands doing?

Can you remember that password?

What is the name of your dog?

So is it that they go to Neverland and then Neverland's in trouble because Captain Hook is kind of terrorising it somehow?

I don't know if I remember.

That's the problem, right?

The pirates are the problem?

Pirates are a problem, but I don't know if they're the fundamental problem.

Okay, do you want a synopsis of the Disney version?

Just so we can get across the plot.

In Edwardian, London, 1904,

George and Mary Darling's preparations to attend a party are disrupted by the antics of their boys, John and Michael.

who are acting out a Peter Pan story told them by their elder sister, Wendy.

That's quite meta then.

It's quite meta.

Later that night, Peter himself arrives in the nursery to find his lost shadow.

Oh, that rings a bell.

God, that's quite...

I like that.

That's quite...

Yeah.

And the shadow's quite naughty, isn't it?

I seem to remember from the film.

It sort of runs away and

wants to chase it.

So he's been living in a kind of over-lit

space, like a sort of flood-lit...

An area where he's lit from all sides.

He's got one of those ring lights.

He's got one of those ring lights.

He persuades Wendy to come to Neverland where she will never have to grow up.

And she and the boys fly there with the begrudging help of Pixie Tinkerbell.

So it's quite

it's it's it's very pixar isn't it?

Pixar is all about never growing up.

Every

Pixar film is about that.

Pixar films are about that it's good to not grow up, right?

Or to stay in touch with your inner child.

But again,

when it comes to big business meetings,

does that really work?

You've got to leave your inner child at the door, haven't you?

You've got to leave.

Because your inner child would cry their eyes out if they knew how many bears your AI gun had killed out of.

He's taking down on a daily basis.

Bears upon bears upon bears

are building up.

A continental shelf of dead bears

has been created.

Otherwise, they're just too disruptive to the guano supply.

It's too disruptive.

By the way, what is guano?

Guano is the shit of either bats or birds

used for fertilizer, and I believe possibly even explosives.

Oh, nice.

Because it's got potassium in it, I think.

That's it, yeah.

The reason it's on my mind is because I went to a National Trust property over the Christmas period near Bristol called Tinsfield House.

That doesn't narrow it down by the way that they're all called Tinsfield House.

It was built by the richest commoner of the Victorian era.

Really?

Barry Stevens?

Barry Stevens.

Barry Stevens, the guano oligarch.

The guano king.

He was a bloke who bought a guano mine in South America, in Peru.

And did he try to marry a rich heiress?

But they still look down on him because the fact is, it doesn't matter how rich you are, he doesn't know how to hold a melon spoon.

Oh, the humiliation.

And even he'd be thinking, oh, damn my crude fingers.

All I can do is mash this melon directly into my face.

That's the only way I can do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So yeah, he made his fortune in Guano.

Wow.

So

they go to Neverland, and there are some pirates there.

So the parental unit don't seem to be particularly important.

They're a sideshow here.

We're not worried about the fact that mum and dad might be making money out of big business.

Big business is very much holding things up, isn't it?

It's not, it's a non-issue.

They're on a Zoom with some militia leaders, aren't they?

It's not an issue that their children are flying out of a window to a forgotten sort of magical hinterland.

Yeah.

And they're downstairs on the Zoom in the kitchen going, look, look, please, I don't know how often I can say this.

When I say no-holds barred, I mean have a no-holds barred attitude to punishment.

Do we need to airdrop more machetes into this hotel for you?

Do you need a bachelor's?

Because we can do that like that.

In fact, you know what?

I'm going to order a machete drop right now.

Get indoors.

It's happening.

So Captain Hook is there.

He wants revenge on Peter Pan because Peter Pan cut off his hand.

Yes, I remember that.

That's why he's hooky.

But why did the child cut his hand off?

Well, I think they're sort of

endless enemies.

They regularly battle the pirates.

But they've got backstory, have they have?

But also, the crocodile has consumed the hand.

Yes.

Right.

And got a taste for Hook.

So that's why the crocodile is always pursuing Hook's ship because he liked the taste of Hook.

And has the crocodile also got a clock inside it?

I remember that.

Yes, what's that to do?

Yeah, that really

because all of this stuff has a psychoanalytical, you know.

So we're into psychoanalytical metaphors.

Over to you, Henry.

Yeah.

Over to Ben, Ben.

I'm going to pass it on.

It's a hot potato.

It's going around.

You are allowed one pass.

That's not all.

You're allowed one pass.

That's the way it works.

Ben,

let the symposium begin.

And I will introduce Hungarian professor Dr.

Fyodor Govinovich.

Sorry, I'm in tunnel.

I'm in a tunnel.

Sorry.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Let's go in his professorial voucher.

So what happens then is that Hook fires upon Peter Pan and the kids with his cannon.

Yep.

And then Tinkerbell, who's jealous of Peter Pan's attention to Wendy, because she's no longer the

hot thing in town.

It's a bit weird.

Convinces the Lost Boys that Pan has ordered them to shoot down Wendy.

Shoot down Wendy.

So she's trying to get Wendy killed.

She's trying to get Wendy killed.

I don't remember that.

Tinkerbell's treachery is soon found out, and Peter banishes her.

Good lord.

Then John and Michael, who I think you remember are the brothers of Wendy, set off with the Lost Boys to find the island's natives.

Such boring names, John and Michael.

Come on, mate.

He's literally made up Wendy.

He's gone.

John and He's John and Michael.

Peter, John, and Michael.

Okay.

Then they're captured by so-called natives.

I can't imagine that's the most culturally sensitive rendering.

Well, you should talk to the crocodile community because they are absolutely furious.

But what

it's just on some island, some sort of generic tropical island type thing.

Yeah.

I think looking at them,

it looks like they're kind of Native Americans.

That's the vibe, I think.

Because they believe wrongly that they're responsible for taking the chief's daughter, Tiger Lily.

I don't remember any of this.

No.

Meanwhile, Peter takes Wendy to see the mermaids.

What?

Mermaids.

Come on.

We're getting a bit fever dream now.

He's tracking everything.

See, Pixar would not have allowed this stuff to happen.

So it turns out that Peter and Wendy...

then see Hook and realize that he has captured Tiger Lily.

So Peter then frees Tiger Lily, returns her to the chief, and the tribe honours honours Peter.

Meanwhile, Hook takes advantage of Tinkerbell's jealousy of Wendy, tricking the fairy into revealing Peter Pan's secret hideout.

Oh, Tinkerbell.

So it's actually a kind of sordid kind of love triangle.

Well, this is like

this feels like Tinkerbell is Darth Vader.

Do you know what I mean?

Star Wars is really the story of Darth Vader.

This is really the story of Darth Vader.

Is Tinkerbell Darth Vader?

It's not Peter Pan.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

It's the origin story of a badu, isn't it?

She's drawn into the dark side.

Wendy and her brothers eventually grow homesick and plan to return to london they invite peter and the lost boys to join them and be adopted by the darlings can you do that can you like take kids to your parents and be like i think in that era if you were moneyed enough you do what you'd bloody like right be angelina jolie yourself but if they come back to the normal world they do they do grow old right that's the catch well that's it so peter doesn't want to go to london because he doesn't he doesn't want to grow up which is fair play although to be fair he's not he's not having the greatest childhood is he he's being chased around by a sort of psychopathic pirate

I mean, it's not like, and it's not an idyllic childhood, is it?

But it's interesting, isn't it?

That thing of like

there is something quite,

yeah, it's in a lot of Disney stuff.

Maybe it's just in a lot of

children's stuff in general, is this idea, yeah, like growing up.

It's quite, it's quite kind of...

I remember a moment like this in

the jungle book, the Disney version.

Is it Mowgli?

Yeah.

Has his fun times with the animals

who improvised two of the best songs ever written, I think.

Jazz Numbers.

Two of the best jazz numbers ever written.

I'm the King of the Swingers and Ben Necessities.

Yeah.

Absolutely brilliant songs.

But at the end, there's that moment where he goes back to the village, doesn't he?

And he sees.

He gets the horn.

He gets the major horn on.

And it's that teenage moment of, sorry, I'm not in De Lego anymore.

I've discovered porn mags.

But his porn mags was the reflections of people in a general pond.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

Lewed content warning.

Lewis content and content content.

And they don't tell you that, but

the feature

for him is that

he can only be sexually aroused.

If he's having sex with a puddle.

But every time he penetrates the puddle, the image is lost.

It's a tragedy.

And it's a long road back, isn't it, with psychosexual counselling for him?

Particularly if that's being offered by a lemur.

Who to be fair,

to be fair, is a brilliant jazz singer, though.

Keeps breaking into bebop tunes.

Brilliant to break it.

Just slow down sessions.

But that moment, I do remember as a child, that moment at the end of the jungle book is really quite affecting.

He's going to leave the fun and singing animals and go into a world.

And it is adulthood because it's, yeah, he's finding this girl, it's like a pretty girl, and he's like, oh, and it's growing up, isn't it?

And that is, it really tugs at your heartstrings, doesn't it?

And Pixar understand that that means money.

Money, money, money, money, money.

We can satisfy the shareholders by tugging on that heartstring.

More AI guns.

More AI guns.

Mogan gets an internship with an outpost of a mining company based in the

Congo.

And the more subtly it's played off, the better.

Sometimes they tug on that heartstring in a way that's almost a bit obvious.

The one which is inside the human mind.

Oh,

inside out.

There's the imaginary friend.

Is it the imaginary friend?

Yes.

I mean, that is so designed to get middle-class, affluent parents.

in an emotional state where they're prepared to invest in merch.

Isn't it?

It tugs on the merch strings.

Henry, let's not criticise people selling merch.

It's almost manipulative at that point.

It starts to feel, doesn't it?

Somehow, I feel it.

Sometimes it's so obvious what they're doing, but it still works in terms of tugging.

I mean, Monsters Inc.

has the same thing with...

Yeah, that's entirely about that.

It's always about growing up.

The other thing Disney does is it cleans up the stories, makes them clearer, but also sanitizes them and makes them much nicer.

So in the extra, in the original, what's he called?

Anderson, someone, someone?

hans christian anderson in the original hans christian anderson the little mermaid she is at the end she is filleted yes

um they harvest her roe

which makes absolutely brilliant a brilliant skin cream yeah

and like the original pinocchio it's like that story is like he just travels around like getting beaten up by farmers and like

put in a really humiliating circus the only way he can make money yeah

See if you can punch my nose in.

Yeah.

Give us a couple of florins.

Yeah.

I'm hungry.

I know I'm wooden, but I'm hungry.

And eventually he's just

sort of sort, he's just going to sort

in off, isn't he?

He's sawing in half and then turned into

a series of sex toys.

Turn into a series of sex toys.

And eventually

the remainder of him is just turned into a sawdust on a butcher's floor, isn't it?

Sawdust on a butcher's floor.

But it is sad growing up and stuff.

But that's why in the psychoanalytical realm, specifically Jungian,

stuff.

He's into a thing called the Pu'er and the Puela.

Do you know what that is?

No.

No.

It's Puer, P-U-E-R, means boy or child, and Puela means girl or young maiden.

So he's got this theory about the Pu'er and Puella, which is that

it's a sort of psychological type who doesn't grow up.

It's a Peter-Pan type, Pu'er and Puela.

One of the tests is: if you find it funny that I'm saying Pu'er, like Mike is grinning, that suggests you are, in fact, in the Puerh phase.

P-U-E-R.

I'm not talking about someone being a Puer and Pooh coming out of their body, which you find funny.

Yeah.

And the only cure for that condition, Mike, is to grow the fuck up.

No, the only actually, weirdly, the cure, that's why it ties in against the story.

The cure is actually for you to be chased around by a crocodile for a couple of weeks.

Right.

That That would actually make you grow up.

We all know someone with Peter Pan syndrome, don't we?

And it's hard to grow up.

It's sad because you do have to eventually take Bagheera and shoot him between the eyes.

But that's what growing up is.

You have to take your imaginary friend, you have to hogtie them and throw them into a lake.

Don't you?

Don't do that to your actual friends.

Don't do that to your actual friends.

For actual friends, we suggest hired Assassin.

It's clean.

It's arm's length.

So, no, but it is like something just, something dies, something gets destroyed, isn't it, when you grow up?

Yeah.

But

it's the right thing to do.

Although the thing is, with Peter Pan, it's a bit different because he literally doesn't physically grow up.

Because what is bad?

What is maybe unhealthy or a shame for a human being is to grow old but not to mentally sort of mature, maybe would be sad.

But if your body actually stays the same and you can fly, he's not physically maturing.

Yeah.

What it's really a story is a 72-year-old man who's lured three children to his private island.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

That's what.

And it has a slightly different ring to it, doesn't it?

It's not quite so Disney ready.

We need a few more rewrites in that version.

Anyway, I'll finish off the plot.

They're going to go back to London.

But the pirates capture them and then leave a time bomb to kill Peter.

Oh, that's where the alarm clock comes in.

Obviously, time is a theme here.

Time.

By the way, I'm always good at spotting themes and things.

Because often people watch a film and they'll come out and they go, That was a good film.

And I'll go.

But did you notice there was a theme

to the exam?

Where do do we leave the card, Henry?

Do you remember where we left the card?

Ah, the theme.

Did you notice that the theme of that film was bank robbery?

There was a sustained and repeated motif to do it.

Bank robbery.

I would say that the theme of the Lion King is lions.

You might not have spotted it, but like a stick of rock.

That film had lion written through it.

Like a stick of rock, as I said.

It has lion written into it.

And not Brighton.

Like a stick of rock.

I'm just going to have to warn you, I've got stuck in my stick of rock back for it.

Sometimes happens, but I felt saying it's something I have something wrong with it, like a stick of rock.

Like a stick of rock.

Like a stick of rock.

It's very hard for me to get out of it.

I just don't pick up the car, hopefully, by the time you get back.

Normally, if I

run up against the wall a couple of times, sometimes it sort me out.

Like a stick of rock.

Anyway.

Tinkerbell saves the day.

So she

comes good by learning about the plot and snatches the bomb from peter okay as it explodes this this is her this is darvada throwing the emperor down the uh the recycling tube thing

same thing she comes good yeah

uh peter and take both go and rescue the kids that have been captured by the pirates peter engages hook in combat yeah and defeats him very good can i say it's actually starting to drag this and it's just a summary of the film

i'm a bit like i'm basically ready ready sort

For me, it's like it's had its fun, and now it's just this is just self-indulgent at this point.

Hook falls into the sea and swims away, pursued by the crocodile.

Peter Command is the deserted ship, and assisted by Tinkerbell's Pixie Dust, flies it to London.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, I've got some plot, some plot things I haven't managed to work out.

I can't get all the threads to stick together.

I suppose I could spend a few hours really trying to work out how the story works for retrospectively fitting in some stuff.

Well, I could just make it Pixie Dust solves everything.

Pixie Dust, yeah.

Put Pixie Dust on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.

Pixie Dust, yeah, yeah, whatever.

George and Mary, darling, return home.

For fuck's sake, come on, mate.

This is like listening to one of my anecdotes, probably.

So, this all happened within the course of a single evening.

Oh,

oh, is it one of those?

They've got they've went out and left the young children sleeping at home alone, basically.

Yeah, have they been out to the opera or something?

Seems like it.

There'd have been a shit-faced nanny somewhere in the house.

Yeah,

Reading racy novels.

Wendy wakes up and excitedly tells her parents about their adventures.

They look out the window and see what appears to be a pirate ship in the clouds.

They think, God, I've had too many martinis.

George, the dad,

recognizes the ship from his own childhood.

What?

Hinting that he himself went to Levelland when he was a boy.

And it's a read to the passage of the super rich.

are they so rich they can actually hire and create like a fake like a ship that flies and create this whole thing so as to indoctrinate their children to make sure that they they do grow up that that they what that they do grow up they do grow up and they do get into into the family arms business whatever yeah

well there we go that's your film so did we say that it's one of those stories where at the end they come back and they've gone through months of stuff but no time has passed.

Yeah.

It was all one night, yeah.

Yeah.

But in the story, it's like...

Well, it's it, it's what it's unclear, was it one evening or were

the darling parents out for a three-month bender?

Just assume that

assume their children would be okay, or was it someone would pick them up and take them to their boarding schools at some point if they were away for long enough?

And, you know,

because it's this stuff, like, there's people in place, all that kind of stuff.

You don't worry about it too much.

I do like it in stories, though, when that happens, when they go in and no time, because it happens in Lion Witch in the Wardrobe, doesn't it?

They go for years, they become kings and queens and stuff, and they come back.

And it's like literally doesn't happen much the other way around, does it?

No, they come back in in 95.

Fuck!

I was only there for two days.

All I did was have a five-minute conversation with a form,

and I'm in my 90s.

Time to read your emails, yes, please.

When you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot chewing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

Threebean saladpod.gmail.com is the email address.

And last episode, or maybe a couple of episodes ago, Henry, you were talking about

boiling water and boiling spuds.

And when do you start counting the minutes?

Yes.

Yes.

So can you give us a pre-see of the problem again, Henry?

But the trouble is these recipes, what they'll say is boil the potatoes for 10 minutes.

Now the trouble is, basically what I would say is it's impossible to boil potatoes for 10 minutes.

There is no such thing.

What does that mean?

How can you boil potatoes?

You can't boil potatoes for 10 minutes because if you get a hob of boiling water on the hob

sorry, if you get a pot of water, if you get a pot of water

twister, yeah.

If you get a pot of boiling, a pan of boiling water on the hob,

once you put the potatoes in, the temperature of the water goes down so much that it stops boiling.

And it might take literally, it will take 10 minutes to get it boiling.

And then what?

Is it 10 minutes from then that I start?

When do I count the 10 minutes from?

Okay, so the only solution I can think of, by the way, is that you pre-boil the potatoes so that they're already hot when you put them in the boiling water.

Wait until the potatoes are bubbling.

To boil them in

their own sort of potato, in their own starch.

Well, we've had an email from Jess.

Now, Jess says, having previously worked as a chef, we've got a previous chef here.

Okay.

But did she lead on?

Did she leave under a potato cloud?

Okay, fine.

I can tell you that spuds are not to be added to boiling water, but started in cold, slightly salted water and brought to the boil.

You would then start timing the process from when the spud water starts to boil.

Okay.

I like that.

Is that.

But the way I see it, though, is

let's say it takes 10 minutes to get the cold water with the potatoes in it to go from cold to boiling.

Are you telling me that nowhere in that 10 minutes did anything happen that was even a little bit like boiling?

She's not telling you that, no.

Oh, cool.

She is giving you very, very clear instructions.

If the recipe says boil it for 10 minutes, she's saying that the only true boiling starts after the water's boiling.

But I would say towards the end of that process, if it getting towards boiling, something a bit similar to boiling is happening.

A bit like how the late 80s are a bit like the early 90s.

A bit like how the late 80s are like the early 90s, exactly.

Yeah.

I think Jess is taking that into account.

Okay.

Well, if that's the case, then...

She's saying, yes.

Sure, they might look like they're in the 80s, but this was filmed in the early 90s.

She understands that.

Yeah.

She then gets on to say, testing the consistency of the spud is always more reliable than adhering to a time limit, though.

But I can't be bothered with that.

That involves actually having an opinion and getting off my imaginative arse.

Whereas, what I want is a series of mathematical

equations to follow, like an automaton.

A rigorous, perfect protocol.

Yeah.

But she's also given us another bit of knowledge which I really like.

As a general rule for blanching vegetables,

if it grows underground,

it sounds like she's going to have made this right.

Yeah, I'm suspecting you right.

Yeah, very much.

Maybe we can make it rhyme.

But she says, if it grows underground, start in cold water.

If it grows above ground, start in boiling water.

So pheasants.

You boil a pheasant in hot water.

Yeah.

Oh, also, make sure you have a high enough water to veg ratio to ensure the temp won't drop too much when you add the veg.

Too many concepts in one sentence.

You can also put,

here's another concept for you, Henry.

You can also put a lid on the pot after adding the veg, and this normally brings the heat up again pretty quickly.

Well, I certainly suggest it's a better idea than adding it before you add the veg.

But I think we need to go back to this rhyme.

If it grows underground, it needs to start in cold water.

If it grows above ground, it starts in boiling water.

Can we make this rhyme?

If it be buried in, if it lives in the sod.

Here we go.

Let the water be cold as it is for the cod.

That's very good, Mike.

Why is it cold for the cod?

Because they live in the North Sea.

In its natural habitat.

Do you have to add in its natural habitat?

Brackets in its natural habitat.

I mean, in its natural habitat, it's silent.

Yeah, for the right.

So, okay, we got.

So, if it if it grows in the sod, may it

go in the water as cold as the water experienced by the code.

As it is for the cod.

As tis for the cod.

Can I try and improve on that?

Okay.

You can try.

I don't think you'll be able to.

Yeah.

If it grows in the soil, make it start cold before the boil.

Yeah, no, that's good.

Sort of.

Doesn't really.

It's not as good as mic.

Okay, if it grows above ground,

shepherd's delight.

Okay, if it grows above ground,

give that water the vibe of the Mersey sound,

which is famously.

What is the Mersey sound?

Constantly boiling.

Constantly boiling.

Is the Mersey sound like the Beatles?

I actually don't know what it is.

What is the Mersey sound?

It's an anthology of poems by Roger McGough.

Yeah, so just like that.

If upon this veg you can stub your toe,

the temperature of the water should not be low.

That would be good if there wasn't a knot in there.

Yeah, it's never good if there's a knot.

That's right.

It's true.

If it grows in the air, may bubbles be there.

Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.

There we go.

How about if it grows where the worms do

writhe,

let the temperature begin at 5 minus 5.

I zero.

It's really bad to come with a good mini for this one.

If pon this veg you may stub your toe, the water should be hot as the volcano.

Yes, not bad.

I like it.

Not bad.

I like it, Mike.

Water obviously can't get as hot as a volcano because it can only get to 100 degrees C before it starts boiling, whereas magma can get up to like 1,000 degrees C.

Which would ruin the potatoes.

So, what she's saying is that the tubor veg, potato,

parotte, pasnipo, tubur, tuba,

so it said

the sort of the root veg, they all start in cold because it's harder to don't know why, I wonder why.

I don't know why, actually.

Turnips, all those things, and something like a tomato.

When you're boiling a tomato, what the hell's wrong with you?

What would be something above yeah, so peas, for example?

Yep, yeah, you'd bore those starting in boiling.

Boiling.

Well, yeah, that's true.

Let's say the rhyme.

If it above the level of earth, it do grow.

Don't stub your toe on a volcano.

There we go.

Okay, now it's the time in the show where we normally play the Patreon jingle, but somebody's sent one in.

They've done their own version.

This is from Ad.

Thank you, Ad.

Ad says this is the Patreon jingle,

and the style is Sean Bean plus Black Sabbath.

Oh, wow.

Which is very promising indeed.

He says, I played all the instruments.

So let's have a listen to that.

It's time

to bear the Philippine.

Patreon.com

forward slash three bean salad,

you bastards.

Terrific stuff.

Yeah.

That's excellent.

Very good.

Perfect.

Thank you.

No complaints.

Thank you.

And yeah, if you'd like to send in versions of any of our jingles, please do.

Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you very much.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

Here's the place to go.

There are various tiers you can sign up at.

If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was just this weekend.

I was indeed.

And it was interesting, wasn't it, Mike?

Because it was

well, it was your annual genealogy event that's right uh trace your family tree back to a rongun.

That's correct.

Thank you Benjamin.

And here's my report.

It was Trace Your Family History Back to a Rongun last night at the Sean Bean Lounge with expert assistance from Sean Bean's crack genealogy squad made up of Jordan Fisher on ancestral records and foundlings, Duncan Easton on genetics and paramours, Callum Hayden on hearsay, Kirsten Rennie on their say, and Frederick Hillinger on whether or not your second toe was longer than your big toe.

Doug and Will weren't surprised to have their lineage traced back to Verity Warm, a pirate queen who wore the flaming beards of her enemies upon her battle brogues.

Ellie Jenkinson, Sam Dennis and Joni Jackson were all found to be distantly related to Jacob Rood, the first ever baby to scream, a practice which spread like wildfire.

Paul B., Andrew Woods, Tom Hepworth, and Ashley Megson's pedigree was no less troubling, descended as they were from Postmaster Noor, the hoof prints of whose steel horse smashed the world's first gnome-themed novelty front garden to smithereens.

Mitochondrial DNA analysis revealed that Robin Yates, Lucy Clark, Donovan Friesen, and Alia were all the distant progeny of Patrice Rex, the inventor of disappointing pastries.

Graham Jackson discovered he was the son of his own evil twin.

Stephanie Wilson, M.

Todd, Patrick McSweeney and Matt Bowyer used declassified Yugoslavian state security service files to trace their origins back to Professor Gingersnap, who was notorious for arriving at dinner parties before the appointed time.

Paul Fraser, Jasper, Olivia Stridham, and James had the unwelcome revelation that they were all descended from the first man to give an unsolicited explanation of Bitcoin, while Emily Bellinger, Stuart Whittingham, Sarah Coles and Isaac Baggerley were all distantly related to the original dentist to make people feel guilty about inadequate floss use.

The lineage of Pete O.B., Catherine Hart and Iris Rawlsthorne could be traced back to the first tribe to lionise heavy petting in municipal libraries.

Chris Mitchell's great-great-uncle was Spanish flu.

Bareface Hayes had an ancestor who in 78 AD, while passing Mount Vesuvius noticed a little sulphur guff from the summit but didn't tell anyone.

And the friar, Dan Gray, Simone Atguillan and Milo Boyd all found they were descended from a sprig of ragweed that gave Abraham Lincoln a rash on his ass.

Thanks all.

Okay, that's the show.

We'll finish off with the version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

And this week's is from Tim from Australia, Kynton Australia.

And he says he's discovered an old recording from the 1960s that might be of interest.

Thanks for that, Tim.

And everyone else, see you next time.

Thanks, Tim.

Thanks, everybody.

Cheerio.

Thank you.

Bye.