Hippos

I've put the cat amongst the pigeons this year by announcing that I would take a lead on the Christmas meal this year.

Wow,

that's a big call, Mike.

This is mega huge.

Are you with me cooking Christmas meal?

Yeah, which I mean, I

might get me on FaceTime all day.

We're going to do it.

Just have me there.

Just have me in your pocket.

I want to know for my own peace of mind that I'm in your pocket on FaceTime all day.

I cook a lot, but very, but very sort of

very meat and potatoes, very transactional cooking what I do.

I've never, and there's been the odd roast.

Sure, there has.

But ne'er a goose.

Ne'er a goose.

I've never been trusted with the big one.

There's so many really good cooks in the family.

No one has ever even thought for a moment.

Yeah.

You've had an hour in a kayak and you've not managed to keep yourself the right way around for more than about 30 seconds.

And now you're in charge of a cross-channel ferry.

Yeah, volunteering to spearhead an SBS raid

on a U-boat station in the Black Sea.

It's a massive increase in responsibility.

Just quickly, before we move on, could you just clarify something?

Earlier on, you said the kind of food you cook is very much meat and potatoes.

Can you just clarify if you were using that

as an analogy?

That was both metaphorical and literal.

Oh, so it was a one-to-one.

It was a one-to-one analogy.

Absolutely.

It was full-blown.

It was your full barn pigeon.

In terms of linguistic dexterity, I will cook meat until it is safe to eat.

Yeah,

I will cook vegetables

to a point where they still are retaining some sort of vitamin mineral value,

and then I serve it.

Yeah, I mean, luckily, that's so of Christmas dinner is meat and potatoes, though, isn't it?

This is why I've been a bit emboldened, and also I was seeking plaudits and hoping to say, hey, guys, I mean, there's the talented chefs in the crew who normally are slaving away all day.

And I thought, you know, I'm going to give them a Christmas off.

But

the announcement didn't go down well.

There was

greeted by largely silence, I would say.

You could sort of hear the buttocks clenching.

So you were looking for a sort of hero's welcome.

Mike, oh, thank you so much.

No, there was nothing.

I've had lots of offers of Sue cheffing coming in already.

The trust isn't there.

There's no trust.

Mike, it's a huge responsibility.

I have been.

I have done it.

I've made Christmas meal before.

You've goosed, haven't you?

I have actually goosed.

You've goosed?

I think I goosed once.

I did goose because I remember I had to leave it upside down

in the oven.

You had to leave it upside down in a room.

What, like hanging by its feet?

Hanging by its feet the night before.

Alive or dead?

Well, that was where the confusion lay, Mike.

I'd assumed it had to be alive.

But it did become dead.

Just in the most

in seeking escape essentially it was like it was like it was like mussolini when i walked in

hang up outside a petrol station yeah

people throwing shoes and rocks at it yeah

but uh yeah no it's a huge responsibility i mean i am yeah i mean i'm here for you mike the the main thing is to have a schedule Right.

Now, remember, though, that Christmas is, as I said, it's coming at us incredibly quickly.

So make a schedule, then tear it up into pieces and then start again.

Yeah.

Compress it.

Yeah.

Because if you think about it, we're moving forward at one day per

day currently, aren't we?

Forward in time.

So Christmas is coming out.

That's from the other direction.

But also bear in mind the world's also spinning.

Yeah, the world's also spinning, Mike.

So we're going at 3,000 miles an hour.

Okay.

3,000 miles an hour.

So already.

Right, but is it spinning in the same direction as the glass plate in my microwave or in the opposite direction?

And how does that affect what I do with the Swedes?

Well, talk.

What are you thinking so far?

Boiling.

Yeah.

I've got a metal bin out back.

It works for the military.

It works for my family.

Because it's mainly for you.

You see the main purpose of cooking as killing bacteria, isn't it?

Exactly.

It has to be safe.

It's about bacterial genocide.

You need to be killing billions upon billions of bacteria, don't you?

Like as early as possible on Christmas morning.

Yeah, and if they want flavour, I'm sure there must be some sort of desiccated turkey powder that you can get these days that you can reconstitute and people can pour that on if they want their

safe fare to be flavorsome.

I think get yourself on eBay and start looking at sort of post-war, like 1946, sort of Christmas solutions.

I think there would have been powdered turkeys, powdered sprouts.

See if you can still buy some of that stuff.

Okay, someone will have it, someone will have it somewhere, won't they?

Yeah, or a fully Urzatz turkey that's actually made out of sort of potatoes and asbestos and stuff like that.

So, obviously, Mike, decision number one: what's your meat?

Assuming there's meat pizza.

I think, because I've already caused panic, I think I am going to go turkey.

Mike, what have we got?

What are the possibilities?

Because we've got goose.

There's a goose.

Of course.

There's your classic turkey.

Carp.

Could go polak and go, I could go carp, absolutely.

Of course I could.

But I think that that would, I mean,

even though there is great sympathy for Polish tradition within the family, I think that would go down like a

as a carp would.

Do you know know what I mean?

At any, at any meal, frankly, another great metaphor from Mike.

Thank you.

You know, weirdly, ironically, Mike's meat and potatoes metaphor early, ironically, was a really meat and potatoes metaphor, which I wouldn't have realized at the time, because you know, that's not what I'm doing.

I'm not up to it, but yeah.

What I think, I think there is the chance for me to make it in my own vision a bit.

So, I think it is going to be this year, as I have always wished it would be, it's going to be very, very, very, very, very, very heavy on the pigs in blankets good yes

as much of the stuff as possible that can essentially have been pre-done by MS because essentially all you need to do is get that in an oven ms have done the work haven't they yeah yeah yeah or just boil it yeah of course in exeter it's an actual pig in a duvet isn't it

i've forgotten i'm sorry sorry that was very mike that was very culturally insensitive of me i'm sorry of course yeah but not in a duvet no if you said the word duvet and exeter no one would know what you meant they were they're they're assuming that you that you're a frenchman and they would hang you on a gallows

at sundown.

They'd hang you not the right way around or upside down, but sideways, didn't they?

You'd be hung sideways.

Which was where they think France is.

Just off to the slide, don't they?

Yeah.

You know, it's a pig in a kind of

itchy woollen.

Yeah, so Hessian, yeah, what we sleep in, sort of, yeah.

What you sleep in, which is Hessian sacks, isn't it?

Yeah, exactly.

Which means if you die in your sleep, it's very easy.

You can instantly be hurled off the roof of Exeter Cathedral, can't you?

At invaders, yes.

Which is obviously a lot easier for the family than having to put you, transfer you from a sleep sack to a death sack.

So everyone already sleeps in a death sack, don't they?

We will not kneel to those jutes.

We will not do it.

You understand?

So will you be

butcher sausages or just M ⁇ S or Aldi?

Tesco's, what's your...

I imagine wherever's got any left at the point where they remember that I do need to do some shopping for the Christmas meal.

So it'll probably be from a series of different petrol stations in in the in the central in your sort of Mid-East Devon area, I have thought.

Because you've I I um you you're you're going to try and petrol station it, aren't you?

If you can petrol station the whole of Christmas, which is

literally everything, isn't it, in petrol station says the turkey.

Because you can reconstitute a turkey, can't you?

From turkey they used to be called turkey dinosaurs, turkey dippers, those sorts of things and turkey faces.

There's different, you can reconstitute.

They're actually sort sort of bits of grouse that have been run over by people pulling into the petrol station at speed yeah yeah they can be reimagined as a turkey yeah

so um spuds you can get um well essentially what is what is a what is a roast potato if it isn't loads and loads of crisps mashed together

isn't it it's already crunchy it's already people want

it's already crunchy and it can come with you how many christmases get a choice of flavor flavours for their roast potatoes you know chase an onion prawn cocktail.

Prawn cocktails.

Prawn cocktail roasties.

Who else is offering that?

With your reconstituted grid of tracts of meat.

Yeah.

How many people can identify through a kind of grid system which bit of the roast they want?

Do you want A7?

We've got some really.

You can grid it.

And then, of course, when you come to Light to the Christmas pudding and you've maybe run out of brandy, don't worry.

Just stick some diesel on it.

Stick some diesel.

Get one of your children out with a bit of hose pipe to the next door neighbours.

They know what to do.

They've done it before.

Just pour some diesel on a bowling ball, set fire to it, and you can reuse it next year, isn't it?

It's a Christmas pudding that never runs out.

Chuck a few raisins and it.

No one's any the wiser.

Yeah.

Those people turn it down anyway, don't they?

You want a lucky penny?

You're lucky because you're the only one in my family that got to wear a welding mask during this.

So you've got to literally, on boxing now, you're going to have zero burns.

You're seeing the new year in with eyebrows.

Yeah.

Some gratitude.

You've got eyebrows to raise at what else I'm going to serve later.

Mike,

I suspect

that what's happened here is that

you've been sponsored of news.

So this is going to be a TV advert, which is, hi, I'm Michael Ozniak, and welcome to my Esso Christmas.

Es Ho ho ho.

S ho ho ho.

S ho ho ho.

And petrol Santa.

How can we turn these old vape batteries into parsnip replicas?

Let's have a go.

That's where the glue gun comes in.

Yes, a petrol station Christmas because de-stress it, isn't it?

Get it straight from the straight from the petrol station out into the boot of the car.

Yeah.

Also, I assume Michael will be doing this so late that he'd have to go to that kind of night, you know, the sort of little tiny slots that you can buy things through at night.

It'll be only things that can fit through the slot.

That's right.

Through the Hannibal Lecter slot.

It's through the Hannibal Lecter slot or

if I do manage to strike up enough of a rapport with the person working there, maybe even the bins at the back.

Oh, sorry.

Very spoiled goods.

Special deal.

Because then actually what you're hoping is they'll give you their full bin liners, which you can put in the kitchen to make it seem as if you cook the meal.

Because you can't fake bin smell.

You can't.

You can't.

Not about Christmas bin smell.

Brussels sprouts.

Nice Brussels sprouts option, Mike, might be green MMs.

Green M's.

No one actually likes Brussels sprouts.

They're tiny little sweet Brussels sprouts.

That's true.

Or I was thinking I'd just pick up some charcoal.

Just claim to have burnt them.

There's always got to be a sacrificial lamb in me.

I wouldn't.

Honestly, I wouldn't touch the Brussels sprouts.

So I really made a mess of it.

Of the Brussels sprouts.

Yay!

Big cheese.

Everyone goes, oh,

glad I didn't burn the turkey.

I can't burn the the turkey because there is technically no turkey.

What there is is a piece of pheasant and some rat.

And Ben, everyone's got a live carp in their stocking.

It'll be live for the next two minutes.

So check your stockings now.

You've all got a live carp.

It fills out the whole stocking.

Which petrol station have you been to get the live carp, Ben?

Oh, you'd be amazed at London petrol stations.

Because people want them for their ornamental ponds, Ben.

I see.

Okay.

Let's talk through the meal a bit, Mike.

Are you going to do a starter?

Yes.

Really?

Oh, God, you know what you're doing?

You're going to try.

You're going to try to...

Personally, I would limit yourself to keep it really basic, sort of minimal it.

Because anyway, go on.

Do you normally have a starter in your fan?

If it's traditional.

Well, if you want me to minimalize it, then I won't put the crisps in a bowl.

That's fine.

I'll just open the fan.

Just have floor crisps.

Just let me exactly.

Yeah.

So what are you thinking starter-wise?

I mean,

I hadn't thought at all.

I mean, I just assumed there might be

some nibbles.

I was waiting to see what Esso was going to curate for the season in terms of...

Nibbles-wise.

In terms of the nibbles, going to the nibbles section of the Esso.

One thing you can do, Mike, which is quite a nice little touch, because it's all about adding little touches, this kind of thing.

You buy a pack of Pringles.

Yeah.

Cheese and chive Pringles, let's say, or sour cream Pringles.

And then buy a load of hams, slices of ham, and then sort of punch the Pringles into the ham, roll it up, and it's like little meaty Pringle cigars.

That's just like I've literally improvised that.

You could think of

combined things like that.

Do I need to sort of serve it on a kind of chunk of distressed wood?

Would that help?

Or a hubcap?

A hubcap.

Either of those is nice.

Well, distressed wood, because you're in the distressed wood capital of Britain, aren't you?

In terms of like Flotsam.

Flotsam or Jetsum, yeah.

Get it onto Flotsam or Jetsam.

Okay.

That's a nice touch.

Personally, I don't believe in a starter at Christmas.

Right.

Because

it's such a fat, heavy.

A sit-down starter seems like madness.

Yeah, yeah.

Some people do.

And it's often where the prawns come in, there'll be like

a prawn discus.

They'll be like MNS have always got a new prawn sort of invention.

A haddock javelin.

A haddock javelin,

a shrimp waistcoat.

The hammer-o-clams.

There's always some kind of

heinous seafood invention that

the sort of mad scientists at MNS.

Who presumably are working on it all year, right?

All year round.

Year round.

There's the R D phase, the pitching phase, and then

they've actually got to try and make good on this stuff.

Yeah, the Codro Cummabund.

It seems to me that the greatest plaudits come from the gravy.

Gravy is important.

The signature gravy.

Have you seen that Cliff Richards did the rounds last week on television telling the world that he thinks he makes the world's best gravy?

Okay.

Cliff Richards.

Cliff Richards claims to make the world's best gravy.

That's so unlikely.

Did he share the secret, the recipe?

I think he did.

Maybe I'll find it and we'll see if he can do it.

Mike, the thing about gravy is one of the hardest things about Christmas Day, about cooking Christmas meal, Mike, is temperature.

It's getting all the food to be roughly hot at the same time, because there are so many elements to what goes on the plate.

That is basically the hardest thing about Christmas.

And essentially gravy is your insurance policy because

you pour piping hot gravy all over the plate.

And it also works like if a relative's in a bad mood,

granddad's grumpy, whatever, you cover them in gravy.

You get a gravy bath.

But like hot, having enough hot gravy to coat food and it can even improve a disappointing gift sometimes.

A layer of hot gravy.

A novel you've already read.

For example, cover it in hot.

Have you read it covered in gravy, though?

Do you like this tie now that it's covered in gravy, though?

So that's really important, Mike.

So, this is from the paper.

Sir Cliff Richard reveals his recipe for the greatest gravy in the world, but chefs say it sounds, quote, absolutely vile.

Well, I know who I'm siding with.

The 84-year-old pop star avoids the traditional method of mixing juices from a roast with a dash of wine and instead goes for a more unorthodox recipe.

He combines eight stock cubes from from different flavors.

Eight.

Including lamb, chicken, beef, and vegetable.

The megastock.

Look, we know.

Look.

Chefs for centuries have talked about a megastock.

It can't be done.

The fats do not agree with each other.

The proteins do not combine.

It doesn't.

It doesn't.

Of course, we would all make a mega stock if we could, Cliff.

It can't physically mix.

It cannot physically mix.

The fish and lamb stocks, mission.

Yeah, so eight stock cubes with boiling water.

Then he adds two chopped fried onions along with teriyaki sauce.

Soy sauce

and Worcester sauce.

A Worcestershire sauce.

It's heavy on the umami.

Yes, isn't it?

Which is something that we like to talk about on this show, which is there are four favourite types.

They are, they've all got quite, quite sort of run-of-the-mill names, except one of them has a weirdly standout name.

It's salt, sour,

bitter, and umami.

Those are the four flavour types, aren't they?

You know, something you're going to think, oh, this is a bit too salt, oh, this is a bit too bitter, oh, this is a bit too sour, or this is a bit too umami for my liking.

Can you just

lower the umami a little bit, please?

Thank you.

Omami!

So I've just summoned a really, really heinous sort of demon.

Oh, it's Cliff Richard slightly.

I put an accidental um nout in umami in that.

I've summoned a 15-headed Cliff Richard.

All I wanted was a bit more soy on my mushrooms.

So you could try that.

I'm just saying.

I mean, the Worcester sauce, I can see how, I mean, a lot of people claim that as a secret ingredient for all kinds of stuff, don't they?

Matt and Lee and Perenza.

I mean, a drop of that, like, that's just, you know.

It's the kind of stuff

you can add into a bolognese.

Anything dark and black and sort of gloopy.

So Worcester sauce.

You feel like you're giving it a magic touch, right?

You make

sure you're doing anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it gives you that little moment of soy and teriyaki feels weird.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's very Pan-Asian.

It's very fusion.

It's quite a fusion sort of gravy, isn't it?

It's a gravy for the whole world.

Yeah.

I mean, it's a salty.

I mean, you may as well Cliff may as well be asking you to lick the salty back of his knee before eating you.

Well, that's actually the last ingredient, isn't it, Ben?

You're coming onto that.

Yeah, he pours it a bit like salt bay.

He sort of pours it across the back of his knee

onto your food.

Yeah.

it's very painful for him isn't it he howls he howls the saviour's day doesn't he ben and it's going on

that's why it's a once a year gravy isn't it

ow

uh for those not who aren't sure who cliff richard is he might be from abroad i think i've had to clarify this before there is britain's elvis but alive

is he our elvis yeah i've said this before people sent me an email saying i was mad but i'm sticking with it britain's elvis but alive created rock and roll the thing about the turkey Mike, is it's a very forgiving bird.

Okay.

It really is a very forgiving bird.

What it forgives is

it forgives its own execution initially, which is very, very nice of it.

Because they just really get into the Christmas spirit and they're fine with it.

They're like, you know what?

I commend myself to thine table.

I commend about a quarter of myself to thine table, about a quarter of myself to some sandwiches, and about half of myself to probably the bin, if we're honest.

Or maybe probably one in 18 occasions some sort of soup that isn't a success some sort of unfathomably fatty soup no my feeling is that turkey is very easy to overcook and then it goes very dry yes and it's quite hard to retain the moisture somehow in a turkey i don't quite know how you'd do it true it goes dry but i think it's about a it's about a slow

it's about a slow cook so get get the temperature quite low

and to wants to be in the oven for a good a good

sort of four hours i'd say normally depending on the weight and to yeah and that low temperature, I'd say the perfect temperature is probably the one that's created around the back of an Esso coffee machine.

Okay, yeah, or off the back of the fridges in an ESO, you know, a lot of heat comes up the back.

So, what you want to do is go into an espresso, yeah, go into a basically a costume.

We can say it's a costume machine, isn't it?

It is a costume machine.

Go into a cost machine.

If you order a large black Americano and then it says, then it goes extras, there's three lot of people didn't see this button, there's three dots, you press that roast turkey, it's roast turkey,

and it is annoying for for anyone behind you in the queue because it's a four-hour wait.

And you just sort of jimmy the turkey onto the nozzle and just

wait for the magic to happen.

Well, what happens is three pedals then appear.

You want to

crank the right hand pedal down and

the whole thing sort of turns into a kind of organ.

And there are two little sort of kind of wheels at the front, right, where you can guide a claw that

shoves an onion or a lemon up the arse of the turkey, depending on what you eat.

That's right, it's very important.

Yeah, yeah, but the claw does stay inside.

You can't remove the claw, so you'll have to carve around that.

It's onion, lemon, or mocha.

And a little tip is: you take it up to the desk, and actually, you can just put it through as a latte.

And it only costs $3.95.

Yeah, so Mike, you've got to think about your timings and your...

Yeah.

When you're getting your potatoes.

Because the other thing is crispiness of potatoes.

I mean, families, dynasties have been torn apart.

Family rifts that have lasted decades have happened because potatoes weren't crispy enough.

It's why Anne Boleyn was beheaded.

Well, she forgot to parboil them, Ben.

And

that's why he eventually married Catherine Parr.

He did.

He did.

What's your potato plan, Mike?

Because I'm really worried about this.

I'm getting nothing.

You've just got the dead eyes of a man that doesn't know.

He's got nothing in his mind.

You've got no plan.

That's how I look when I, when I, the early stages of panic.

The eyes go dead.

Convince them I'm dead.

If the world thinks I'm dead, they won't ask as many things of me.

They won't wonder why the potatoes aren't very crispy or where the parsnips are.

Should we drive Mike's dead body to the hospital?

No, it'll give us something to do on boxing day.

What an awful piñata.

So what's your potato plan, Mike?

I think at the moment, given everything you've told me, it's probably looking like it's going to be spatched got turkey served probably 11 a.m.

roast potatoes served at 3 p.m.

carrots at half past three

and crisps available through the day and then yogurts, probably early evening yogurts, you know, variety of flavours.

Let's turn on the bean machine.

Yes, please.

This week's topic, as sent in, by Jacob from Manchester.

Thank you, Jacob.

Thanks, Jacob.

It's hippos.

Ah,

interesting.

Obviously, we've touched on the pygmy hippo before.

We have, yeah.

I've never seen a hippo in the wild.

No, I've not seen a hippo in the wild.

I think if you've seen a hippo in the wild, you're already dead.

I think that's why people haven't don't really

get a lot of anecdotes about hippos, because if you've seen one, you're already dead, isn't it?

Are you aware of Mudeng?

The hot sauce or the Belgian rapper?

So

that's whatever.

I always say that if

I'm in a conversation and I feel that it's all a bit Gen Z and I'm not sure what's going on, I just say that.

That's my sort of default sentence.

What's the hit rate so far?

But has it got you into the Belgian rap pickle?

It hasn't got me into either the hot sauce or the Belgian rap world yet.

So

still waiting for it to to pay dividends no what's mu dang so mu deng is a pygmy hippo but like a baby pygmy hippo so it's like a pygmy pygmy hippo oh is it the really lairy one yes but poorly behaved yes i have come across she's it she's a little cantankerous pygmy hippo and she's absolutely gorgeous and she's she's smashing it it it's a sort of a mental health panacea

no matter what your mood is if you watch

um mu deng

getting hosed down okay it just makes you feel quite a lot better about things but what happens when mu deng gets big i mean this is the trouble with these

little adorable things get get bigger don't they because as soon as they've scalped their um their royal visitor

they scalped a minor royal the whole the whole the whole sort of moodeng mood music changes somewhat doesn't it she's sassy Oh, she's sassy, all right, and she bloody knows it.

So

she might retain the sass.

Yeah.

But you're right, Mike.

I I think once she's a fully sized pygmy hippo, which is still quite small for a hippo, but quite big for an animal.

And weighty.

Right?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know what Mudeng means?

No.

Please tell me.

It's Thai, and it means bouncy pork.

Oh, and that does not suggest the prospects are great for Mudeng.

It's not a great.

It's not a great sign, is it?

That Mudeng's long-term prospects.

And I think the full full meaning as well is, I'm going to go really well with it, with a little dusting of crushed up roasted cashews.

Oh,

and served on a bed of Thai basil,

lime leaves,

and bamboo shoots.

A bit of fish sauce.

Yeah.

Bamboo shoots, a bit of fish sauce.

Also, maybe add in all kinds of stock cube.

Yeah, any kind of stock cube,

but not combined.

So

individually, any stock cube.

Oh, okay.

So you're not doing full Cliff Richard, are you?

Not full Cliff Richard.

Please do not try and Cliff Richard Mudang.

What a sentence.

And there's an irony in that because he's one of the few people who's likely to be on the short list to be able to, you know, afford to eat Mudang.

Mudang also feels like Mudang might be might have been earmarked for a billionaire's.

Oh, totally.

Yeah.

I mean, eating Mudang is the ultimate billionaire accolade now, isn't it?

It's the ultimate.

If you can serve up

a Mudang Royale,

she's gearing up to be a Supiot International Waters digestif, isn't she?

Yeah.

A Mudeng Bwellington.

On croute.

A Mudang on crut.

Or just get a couple of soft buns of a Mudang.

Mudengong.

You know.

A Muden Dog.

A Scotch Mudeng.

Mu Deng.

If you're on the move.

Yeah.

It's a very high-end billionaire's pack lunch sort of.

Packed lunch option.

It's also the kind of meal that you have to eat

under some sort of shroud so that God can't see you, you know?

I I think you need multiple shrouds.

I think you'll need a shroud.

Mudeng herself will need a shroud.

Well, a shroud of sausage meat and

sausage meat and breadcrumbs.

Yeah.

And some beef patty blinkers.

So probably, probably best eaten in a sort of secret sub-aquatic retreat, then it sounds like, isn't it?

Definitely.

Yeah.

Okay, here's an interesting question.

Is a hippo a kind of cow?

Thoughts?

it's a stretch, isn't it?

Where does it fit in the world of like animal in terms of categories?

Well, the word the name, the word hippo is Greek, or hipposmus is Greek for river horse, isn't it?

Which isn't it?

Who the fuck?

I mean, everyone, I thought that was common knowledge, really.

Yeah, I tell you what, I think river horse is a little bit flattering to a hippo, don't you think?

Bloody hell, they got away with it with river horse.

Imagine the sleek, graceful body of a horse.

I think the I'm gonna look this up.

I think the German one is something like um horse of the Nile as well.

Horse of the Nile.

Yeah, it is

Nilfed.

Yeah.

That's great.

I think the fact that every interaction with the hippo results in the death of the person interacting with the hippo has slowed down getting an accurate name made for it.

Do you know what I mean?

If you've seen the full body of a hippo and you know what it looks like,

again, you are already dead, essentially.

So I suppose it's taken a while for people to report back.

So it would have been sort of, yeah, they would have called it sort of shiny wet mega cow.

But the fact that he didn't return from that expedition made people think it quite, it can't have been a cow that killed them.

It must have been some sort of man-eating horse.

Yeah.

I think wet, rubbery death.

Yeah.

Big, wet, rubbery death.

Big, wet, rubbery death.

Large-toothed mega neoprene pencil case.

That's not bad.

Of death.

Of death, death.

Yeah, they do have a pencil case equality.

Yeah, they're very...

They're one of the animals where you think they're not very well designed, is it?

Because they have to, they're not aquatic, but they have to be wet all the time it's a bit weird like they're definitely not aquatic but if they have to be wet you know what i mean it's like it's like a massive preference that's why they have those uh special birds symbiotic birds that sit on their back and constantly spit water down their gob on them the whole time yeah exactly

sleek yeah

i'd say the hippo is the is maybe the animal who where the the kind of um juxtaposition of how cute it looks and how deadly it is is the most sort of extreme.

But, Henry, I think it's how cute it looks in sort of cartoons.

Because if you actually see one, which I have done,

in I think Longleat Safari Park, they've got one.

I've been to a British Safari Park that's got a hippo.

Yeah.

And they're sort of gross.

It's like a sort of giant fist made of tires.

It's really hard to.

It's just kind of like a malevolent grey sofa bed that someone has fly-tipped into a lake.

They're one of those animals which come come warty as standard

there's a lot of warts but they're kind of like integral to it it's like they're not like an optional extra that they're sort of they've got inherent warts so i would say that like i think that if you ask your brain to think of a hippo what i actually think of is the cartoon hippo like that is the picture of a hippo i've got because it's sort of plump and friendly but actually the reality is that they've got hardly any teeth but the teeth each that each tooth is like the size of a

like a sort of hardback gresham right oh bigger than that mike It's more like a sort of novelty toblerone that you might win in a charity auction, like a sort of really like a sort of mini-mouth henge.

Yeah, what do you think about how big they are?

Yeah, there's not many of them, but they're you don't want to come into contact with them, right?

I would say it's mid-European urban bollard, yeah,

each tooth,

and actually, for convenience, some of them now actually do retract because um

they've got pedestrianized mouths, yeah.

So, do be careful.

They do these axes for emergency vehicles, yeah, They do.

When I picture a hippo, I picture really luscious eyelashes, which I think is probably down to Disney.

Is it Fantasia where there's the dancing hippos?

Yes, yes, yes.

I picture really luscious eyebrows.

You know what they've done?

I think what the hippo has done brilliantly.

It's evolved a cultural kind of.

You know the way certain animals, like there'll be a frog in the Amazon, which has evolved so that the back of its body looks like an eagle.

And an eagle will come on and go, that's an eagle.

I'm not going to eat an eagle.

Oh, my God.

I'm.

I've just married a frog's ass.

I've just married a frog.

I've just married a frog's ass.

I'm having a relationship with the frog.

And you know what?

It's 2024.

Let's do it.

Oh, no, the frog's puking acid onto my eyes.

It was a bloody trap.

I'm dead.

Oh, God.

I've got a family of frogs living in my skull.

Why am I still alive to have these thoughts?

It's keeping me alive in a really horrible way so that my internal organs stay warm and it'll survive the winter in my body.

Oh, this is heinous.

Okay, so that's a good example.

But the question is, what is it an example of?

Well, that, exactly.

And is that for the example or for the example

to work out for themselves at their own leisure?

Are they amphibious, Ben?

Yes, so

I've seen one, as I said, in I think it's Longleat.

It must have been through the eyes of

the crosshairs of a rifle for you to still be alive today.

Because the deal is,

if you see a hippo and you tell the tale, it's because you killed the hippo, isn't it?

Yes, they've got hundreds of hippos down there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I think it's in long that you go on a boat trip, it's quite good.

And when you're on the boat trip, you see the hippos, which are just always under the water, never get out really.

But you also go past a little island, and on the island is a like an 85-year-old, really depressed gorilla who just watches TV all day.

Ben, Gordon Brown has struggled with retirement.

When you've had the top job,

Tony Blair has his foundations.

And he likes the social side, doesn't he?

Gordon was non-less into it.

And he's read everything.

He's finished.

He's read it all.

Yeah.

But do you dig?

Because I think I've done this boat trip in a long time and I don't think, I think we were told where the hippos might be under some reeds, potentially.

Yes.

And there was a shadow where we were led to believe with the Eye of Faith, maybe there was a bit of a hippo poking up.

Was it on a Safari mic?

No, this is again, this is a long leap.

I know this.

This is a long leap boat trip.

Yeah.

So Longleat is a Safari Park, right?

Yeah.

So Safari Park is one of the only businesses where you can, in theory, set it up without any of the actual products and just go, we're looking for

it's a bit drizzly today.

Sorry,

the bamboo's have gone bowling.

Sorry.

They're a very secretive species and they just love bowling.

They use it for dates, they use it for social stuff.

Unfortunately, Gordon Brown is that cop.

But you can, we do have a little bit of blurb about Gordon Brown, which you you can read here, and an artist's impression of Gordon Brown.

And feel free, you know, you can get your kids one of our Gordon Brown teddy bears in the shop.

Yeah, it's one of the only businesses where you can go, you know what?

We're going to set up a safari park.

So what's the first thing we need?

It's not animals.

It's a gift shop.

It's a perimeter.

A couple of electric gates for the, yeah, for the cell.

Yeah.

Is that

for the really naughty children?

What's that for?

It can be.

But to give the appearance that there might somewhere be a tiger somewhere so there probably better be an electric gate yeah yeah yeah yeah exactly so i'm just wondering has anyone actually ever seen an animal at longleat i'm just putting that out there

that was a question um

so no gone so yeah to tell us about the the um the hippos ben so like mike i think it was a there was a lot of uh if you if you look through those reeds

uh you may see a shadow on the water and that might be Sonia.

We did see it.

I think it came out and it just sort of, you know, it didn't terrifyingly rear up or anything.

It just kind of was floating about.

It's quite good.

But gross looking.

It's funny, isn't it, how evolution creates certain things which just are just,

you know, breathtakingly beautiful, almost make you want to cry.

They're so perfectly formed and so beautiful.

Cliff Richard.

Cliff Richard, for example.

But the same process has created some absolute warty monstrosities.

Why is that?

One literally called a wart hog.

One literally called a wart hog.

But then you've got like a puma.

Yes, I know what you mean.

Because if you ever see a tiger, which you can do at Longleats Fire Park, and which I did, it's the most beautiful thing.

You know, it's this like finely turned killing machine, beautiful, sleek body.

Yeah, it's a stripey osniak.

Exactly.

But to a warthog, another warthog is hot AF.

That's true.

God, it is, isn't it?

Yeah.

I love the way your hairy teeth look looking tonight.

Oh, you've really caked them and shines.

Tusk play.

Oh, gosh, you uh...

Is that real sweat on your snout?

Because

it's so gloopy, it almost looks like it's fake.

Run your trotters along my flank.

Run your trotters down the five days' worth of shit I've got clamped on the back of my ass.

now.

I've been on Safari.

Or so you have, yes, which we've discussed in the past.

Yeah.

Didn't see a hippo.

And you know the reason I didn't see a hippo.

Well, you know how you can tell that I didn't see a hippo.

Because you're breathing.

Because you went to on a Hungarian safari?

Because I went to a Hungarian indoor safari.

um i was conned i'm gonna say it now i was commed

it's because i'm telling you the story basically anyone telling an anecdote about a hippopotamus is lying

you can only be telling it it's only true if they're in their death throes which are very very short-lived in in their very short-lived environs yeah yeah it's not usually multiple throws it's just throw maximum It's a throw.

It's one.

It's barely a throw.

Yeah.

Because the hippo has so many ways to kill you.

Sometimes it'll stuff you

with your own bottom half.

It'll set it going.

It's a good trick for Christmas, doesn't that, Mike?

The turkey's a bit too big for the oven.

Just stuff it with your bottom half.

It'll baste you with your own pulverized leg.

Oh, if you see a hippo getting some breadcrumbs out, you're in real trouble.

Real, real trouble.

Especially if you see Cliff Richard on his back and he's got his he's got he's got his stock cubes out you know you're in big big trouble and if that hippo's got a little thing around its neck um with a little barrel on it a bit like those dogs have but it's dispensing panko breadcrumbs

it's not even worth crying that ain't no alpine rescue baby oh no

that's the worst is when you're when you are stuck in an alpine crisis up an alp in a cave waiting for rescue and you hear something padding along thank god do you think It's a St.

Bernard.

It's a St.

Bernard's.

It's some lovely warming brandy.

It's a bald St.

Bernard's.

Thank God.

It's a bald.

It's the size of a terrace house.

It's a bald, warty St.

Bernard's, the size of a terrace house.

With really come-to-bed eyes.

Am I up for it?

I mean, I haven't eaten for six days.

I've got three dead work colleagues next to me.

Am I up for it?

I did say I would try new things.

I did say I would try.

That's partly why I'm here.

I could come down off this mountain with two absolute killer anecdotes.

One clean, one baudy.

I'm the perfect after-dinner speaker.

I'm good for any event.

I could do pre- and post-dinner.

I say the first anecdote's clean, but we did all come up this mountain to try and go for the

to break the record for the highest altitude circle jerk.

Lued content warning.

Lewed content content content.

And I did it.

Just wish we'd seen the cable car before we started walking.

So safari.

Yeah, well, my safari.

So, yeah, we did see it.

Hippo's not one of the big five,

is it?

Right.

No.

Lion, tiger, warthog, bat, jungle chicken.

I got so many anecdotes out of that safari.

It's just, it just never stops giving.

But never fully gives you what you want, which is why it's the perfect anecdote because it always

leaves you wanting more

or none.

Yes.

It's a bit like a metaphor for a safari, in a way.

And that you'll never see everything you want to see.

That's true.

It's never going to actually

fulfill its promise.

No.

What you want is the big five anecdotes.

Had sex with a leopard.

Awful toilets.

The built-ong actually isn't that much better than a Tesco's.

Some kind of food poisoning sort of tale.

Yeah.

Smuggled a baby giraffe into Luton airport.

Very nice.

To keep as a pet.

Got too big.

Became a real drain on the family finances, but luckily, really easy to strangle.

Whole family could join in.

An animal the whole family can strangle.

Oh, God.

Basically, our safari meister, he'd been safariing his whole life.

Yeah.

Or for a lot.

It was his bloody job.

So for him, he didn't care about the big five.

All he cared about was seeing

African wild dogs.

Yeah.

It was in South Africa.

Yeah.

But he was obsessed with, oh, I need to see the African wild dog.

And is this one he doesn't get to see very often?

Or why was he excited about it?

It's just like if you're a deep-cut safari guy, it's really, they're really rare.

Right.

They're really hard to find.

So it's a lion, a tiger, a leopard.

Tiger's impossible to find on Safari in Africa, surely.

I meant a branch of the shop tiger.

They're everywhere now.

But no, like the big five for him, obviously, as a tourist, the big five is what you want.

But for him, it's like he's seen the big five led.

Oh, he said this was like a really like.

This is like a hipster's choice.

It's a hipster's choice.

But the fact is, I googled it on my phone.

It's just a fucking slightly fucked-looking dog.

It's just like a really

rough dog.

particularly vicious dog yeah yeah really vicious but like just so we spent we spent most of the day him going he was on his walkie talking going oh apparently okay okay there's wild dogs we're about to see like you know like a lion like playing volleyball with a warthog's head head or something like incredible but for him just meant nothing it's like wild dog so he kept on changing direction and driving really really fast across the bush because he'd heard a rumor of a sight of a wild dog and then there'd be no that's no bloody wild dog and it was basically it was his kind of um ahab sort of um white whale kind of thing it was clearly like a very like it was deeply important to him that we'd see a wild dog but basically none of us cared so eventually

we had a confirmed sighting of some wild dogs we drove we drove really really fast and we got to the perimeter

of

his like for some reason that the national park was sort of divided into sections and we weren't allowed into this other section.

They were bordering each other.

I'm not entirely sure why or how, but the way it's organized, our safari was only allowed in a certain section.

So, just over the section,

away from us, we couldn't go any further, that's where they were.

And what we saw was three jeeps full of tourists all standing, taking photos down.

We basically were to watch people watching wild dogs,

and he was having a total breakdown.

He's like, no, that's so close.

It's so close.

And so we just saw people like looking at one of them.

It was a second-degree safari.

It was a second-degree, yeah, proxy.

It's not bad.

It's not bad.

Anyway,

but no hippos.

Better than nothing, isn't it?

Well, I hope you see one one day, Henry.

Thank you.

They're gross.

Time to read read your emails.

Yes, please.

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress.

Like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

Three bean salad porn at gmail.com is our address, and we've had a load of emails.

Thanks for sending them in.

We can't read them all out.

Can we?

Are we learning why?

Ben normally sort of fronts this bit.

I think we can probably only read out probably, what, 25% of them?

So actually, 75% of you can stand down.

Probably.

I mean, don't say that.

We very genuinely welcome all the emails.

Yeah, sorry.

Very pleased to read them.

Send them in.

It's true that we can't read them all out on the show.

No.

But they all get read.

I enjoy reading them all.

This is from Andy the Train Driver.

Just wondering whether Bob and Ruth,

That's your next door neighbours Mike.

Yep.

Oh with the lost

tortoise

have tried playing the sound of tortoises mating into their garden to try and attract egg

It's not it's not nice is it well he says it's an unusual sound and maybe not the sort of thing they'd want to do if the neighbours are about

but I'm given to understand that it can be effective and then he sent us a link so we can actually hear

I'm feeling really intrusive here.

Good God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, good lord.

Okay.

Wow.

Incredible how similar to humans they are, isn't it?

I don't, I mean, Andy, I don't.

How have you come across this in the first place?

Do you still have free access to your tanoy machine in your train?

I think putting that person in charge of a tannoi is very, very dangerous, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, Andy,

I will run this by Bob and Ruth.

Absolutely.

I'll leave it for them to judge.

A sort of bollocking for Mike, or rather a chance for you to

correct the record, Mike.

We've had a few emails about this.

As a fellow extra-resident, this is from Katie, I was delighted to hear Mike discuss his encounter with the legendary local Batman.

Ah.

So this is a known thing.

My delights soon turned to dismay when Mike and Ben proceeded to mock Batman.

I would like to inform you that what Mike witnessed was most likely the Devon Super Team who bring joy to children around the county by attending events in their fully kitted Batmobile.

Ooh.

Hopefully you feel sufficiently guilty knowing they attend events free of charge and are a registered charity volunteering their time to spread happiness and raise money for community projects.

Okay, Mike, you're at a crossroads now with how you respond to this.

You're at a crossroads.

One takes you all the way to GB News.

I hear the money's good at GB News.

Long term, it could be a safer bet.

So it's not necessarily a straightforward choice.

Sometimes Sometimes it's good to go with the opposite of your instincts, actually.

Is it?

Okay, well, in that case,

I will.

Okay, well,

hats off to the well-meaning philanthropists.

I think Katie will hopefully forgive me for seeing a vehicle I assumed simply wasn't roadworthy going about the outer perimeters of my home city.

But

I'm still fresh in Exeter, really.

I've only been here for about sort of 14 years.

I'm still a bloody.

You're a newbie, aren't you?

You'll never be seen as a true resident, really, by the other.

No, no.

Never truly Indigenous.

But yeah, but why hats off to those guys?

I mean, fair play.

I had no idea that was a thing.

So, yeah.

Shout out to those guys.

What are they called?

The superhero team.

The Exeter Super Team, I think they're called.

Fair play.

I wonder who else is on the.

I'm going to have to look them up.

One, who else is on the.

Well, we've had some photographs sent in by other Exeter residents who've seen the Super Team

out and about.

Maybe also not really realising realizing that they're doing it for charity.

So, I've just sent you a photograph.

So, this is from Alex from Heavy Tree.

Oh, there's a Joker.

Listening to the pod today, I was excited to hear Mike mention the extra Batman.

I thought I'd share these images I took of him and the Joker doing their shopping at Sainsbury's.

It's good clubber, isn't it?

Do you know what I mean?

It's a good club.

It's really good.

It looks really hot in that Batman suit, doesn't it?

Well, that's, I mean, that's part of what's really hot.

Part of what's admirable, isn't it?

I think.

Yeah.

I think kids do have higher standards these days in terms of like

when we were kids, somebody would have turned up in a really crap

in like a sort of Ford Escort painted black with a sticker on the side, and we'd have gone mad.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And someone would have said, someone would have said, oh, don't worry, the Batman Bill's been

got its MOT this weekend.

So exactly.

So the backup Batman Bill.

They're just going to

have

a live bat in a shoebox.

And a robin in a plastic bag.

You couldn't work out what Batman was.

You couldn't, you didn't know.

You had to use the word of mouth, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yes.

So it turns out that, yeah, a man who I thought was having the most severe midlife crisis of all time is actually doing a very nice thing for charity.

So big thumbs up.

On his own time.

Well, if that was a bullocking, bollocking, cooling acceptance.

And if not, then either way, thank you for enlightening me, Katie.

Bullocking acceptance.

We've had an email with the subject title Spleen.

Uh-oh.

Ah, yes.

Okay, yes.

Yes.

Yeah, spleens came up last week, didn't they?

In reference to your spleen, Mike, how's it how's it how's it how are the ribs going?

Going good, Nick, these days.

Yeah, yeah, good.

Just to people understand, the ribs is the...

The eyes are the window to the soul.

The ribs are...

Well, the ribs are...

The recessed storage unit.

Well, they're a safety mesh.

They operate as chicken wire.

Because they have lots of different functions, but essentially, they're an internalised exoskeleton.

Yeah, aren't they?

To prevent pigeons from landing.

To prevent pigeons from that.

Because you can't get a foothold on them.

Exactly.

Another word, of course, for internalized exoskeleton is skeleton

i prefer to use the full the full full nomenclature rather than me bringing

i'm a pedant like that

but essentially it's from off it's from our previous crabivore phase isn't it from which from whence we came and and to whence we will return hence to whence we will return

um because because when you think about it once you once you've got a rib when you've got a rib cage around your internal organs do you really need a skin it's not it's a bonus really isn't it good point um but we we we yeah we now do we have skin as well but the ribs are quite hard to set aren't they mike because they don't um you can't put uh you can't put a plaster clasped around a rib because a rib is of course internal

the bits move together though

yeah

uh sam writes i was delighted to hear you discussing spleens in last week's episode as it finally gave me a chance to contribute to the cultural zeitgeist i had my spleen removed as a child when i was living in malawi

after the operation they gave me back my spleen whole in a jar wow my older brother then took my jarred spleen into school to show his class and it was returned upside down having spent the day with his biology teacher that's a mystery isn't it oh as in so the jar was the right way up that the spleen was the

i guess there's something taken out and sort of he's taking a sample hasn't he a cheeky bugger

he's probably cloned you some He's probably

a bit of you on a slide, that biology teacher.

Beyond shadow of a doubt.

Beyond shadow of a doubt.

Yeah.

Needless to to say, I have been exceptionally mild-mannered since this operation, having had my humours neutralized via splenectomy.

That is the definitive way to do it, isn't it?

Well, he says I would recommend this procedure to any parent who feels their child gets a bit too worked up from time to time.

Steve Bean Salak does not advocate that procedure.

I don't know.

I think he's onto something.

Finally, Mel is from Jenny.

Hello, Beans.

Hi, Jenny.

The subject title is Henry Has Now Made Me Vomit Twice.

Apologies.

I think I know what one of them is going to be.

Well, one of them is the fact she's got morning sickness, which I don't think you have anything to do with.

Jenny says, I'm due to give birth quite soon to a festive baby.

Woo-hoo!

And I've had terrible morning sickness.

Today was my last day of work before maternity leave, and I remember thinking I could triumphantly tell my midwife that I hadn't been sick for a couple of weeks.

Anyway, as I was about to walk out the door, Henry started talking about human fats oozing into his carpet, and I was sick everywhere.

Oh, Jenny.

Oh, dear.

Jenny, who would have suffered so long and hard?

But that might not have been a morning sickness, sickness.

That might have just been a sickness.

It doesn't matter.

If you've been good through morning sickness, you don't want that.

You don't want additional, just normal sickness.

No.

Just revulsion.

I apologise for that.

It sounds like, so Jenny's on a hair trigger for vomiting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This also happened to me on my walk to work a while ago when Henry did an impression of a Holland Days gun spurting out sauce.

Yeah.

Oh, Jenny.

I'm sorry about that.

She says, I forgive you and look forward to my imminent future listening to you while breastfeeding/slash falling asleep.

Lovely stuff.

Lovely stuff.

Thanks, Jenny.

And congratulations.

Good luck.

Apologise for that.

And congratulations, Jenny.

That's yeah, congratulations.

That's lovely.

It's time

to pay the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com

forward slash 3bean salad.

Thanks to everyone who signed up on our Patreon.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Patreon.com forward slash 3bean salad is the place to go.

Have a look at that.

You can sign up at various tiers.

If you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge where Mike was only last night.

You better believe I was.

It was Fumigation Thursday, wasn't it?

It was.

Thank you, Henry.

And here's my report.

It was Fumigation Thursday at the Sean Bean Lounge last night, and this year Sean Bean commissioned Ralph Wapshot to misuse his perfectly decent science degree to create a non-staining fumigant strong enough to get moth eggs out of taxidermy, cause an ecological disaster, or even obliterate evidence of misjudged messages on community WhatsApp groups.

The compound, dimethylchloronephthalene nicobastard sulfide, aka Stephen Hardwick's Savage Mist, aka Lawrence Turpin's Death Musk, had been rigorously tested on a mixture of mites, ticks, nits, larvae, and Joel Curtis, and could be deployed by aerosol, gaseous wafting, flicked off the ends of a priest's fingers, or by using Adam Wells as a kind of mop.

Anders Comancho, Richard Jude Thompson, and Banjo Dave were sent into the lounge first to flush out any pests from their hiding places using a mixture of mating calls and showing some ankle.

A double cordon was formed outside with Anna Laurie, Return of the Duncan, Jen Goodison, and Joe Gardner, making an inner perimeter disguised as pest-enticing open bins, while an outer perimeter last-ditch repellent line was set up by Sam Hailstone, Henrik Frenning, Sarah Lloyd, and Mike Inker, all of of whom were coated in powdered predator urine.

Stephen Townley, Harvey Piper and Sam were dehydrated and greased to the point where they could fit into any spaces between walls to make sure pests did not go unhunted.

Similarly, Reed Bedlington, Ross, T L E H O and Robert Ballard were instructed to sing the hits of John Legend in barbershop style close harmony up any pipe they could find to make sure the decks were thoroughly cleared.

Now, with pests of all stripes running amok in the open, the Bean Loungers were ready to begin the fumigation proper.

Alice Hickson and G Twin led a prayer to Sean Bean, while Alastair Veck and Isabel Hayes drove into the Bean Lounge Central Atrium and a specially adapted Hyundai i-10 fumigator.

Jack Manderson gave a final demonstration of the correct use of protective gear and was ignored to such a degree that he became physically translucent.

Alan Morgan then hit the big red button, but failed to do so before Jasper Freeman was able to tell him that Katie and Melissa Bonert had failed to connect the fumigant to the i-10 exhaust pipe, and it was still rigged up with 4,000 cubic litres of Suze the Ferg's homemade beefcake gas.

Johnny Sullivan, standing behind the i-10, took a direct hit and immediately henched up to the size of a terraced house.

This led the other bean loungers to realise that something was wrong.

Don McGowan broke the glass case around the emergency ukulele and began playing the evacuation ditty, but it was too late.

Robert Sage, despite being beefcaked himself, was consumed in a single gulp from a now 18-foot house dust mite.

Jennifer Maybor and Wyatt Hack were and still are locked in hand-to-hand combat with a pair of silverfish that had grown fists and knew knew how to use them.

And Noel Atilano and Poi Ling Agnew were last seen being dragged over the Sean Bean horizon by a bed bug with biceps like American fridges.

Seanbean was contacted on the hotline and gave orders for the mega closh to be placed over the lounge for the time being.

And he'd work out what to do about it all once he's back from Verona, where he's learning to weave horsehair into viola bones.

Thanks all.

Thanks for listening, everyone.

And I think today might if you listened to it on the day of release, which you probably aren't, because it's, I think it's Christmas Day.

Is this coming out on Christmas Day?

I think so.

So it's happy Christmas.

I think this is a big old happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

Christmas is a time, a time of year that I love.

It's amazing to think, isn't it, that by the time people listen to this, Mike's Christmas meal will have gone one way or the other.

Yeah.

In fact, it'll be happening potentially while they're listening to this live.

Some might be preparing their own Christmas meal as they listen to.

us.

Yeah.

And it's possible that Mike's one will have gone so badly.

It's made the news

and it's on the BBC News website.

In fact, they may have had to interrupt that pre-recorded stuff they do on Radio 2 and stuff, the news flash.

Interrupt the Queen's speech.

Interrupt the Queen's speech.

Because

Mike's Turkey's dinner has gone so badly.

It will, of course, I mean, something extraordinary would have happened if it is the Queen's speech as well.

I would love it.

I mean, it would absolutely suit King Chucky's reign so far, wouldn't it?

Oh, sorry,

we are going to have the queen again.

Sorry.

It's just what I want.

It'll suggest that Mike's Christmas meal has gone so badly that the queen has come back to life.

That's the only person who could be trusted to calm things down in the nation.

Calm the notion down

in the aftermath.

Better luck, Mike.

Best of luck.

Okay, we'll finish off the show with a version of our theme tune.

Sent in by one of you.

Oh, yes, please.

This one is from Chris.

He says, Dear beans, i come to you from the past plowing as i am through the back catalog i'm currently on animal husbandry in 2002 it's the ghost of chris past

um so you'll be listening to this probably in 2026 i guess if you are listening still chris so which ones are you listening to did you say animal husbandry wow God it's amazing to think how much we've changed and developed since then, isn't it?

All the things we've learned.

All the things we've learned.

And back then, it was just three

guys talking, I don't know, shy

back then.

Do you remember?

We just talk some rubbish in the intro and then just talk absolute

crack about some topic we knew nothing about and then

just round off with emails.

Oh, imagine.

Oh, imagine.

Imagine

we were so naive, weren't we?

So naive to think that that was, yeah.

That was entertaining.

Exactly.

We've added so much to it.

That's funny to think, yeah.

We thought you could get away with that and that should be a thing.

Amazing.

Anyway, yeah.

Chris writes, at the risk of sitting on my own ass, here's my version of the theme on mandolin.

Lovely stuff.

Thank you, Chris.

Thanks, Chris.

Thank you for your time.

Happy Christmas.

Happy Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas.