Noodles

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

We have returned.

Oh, yes.

We're back, baby.

Big time back.

Oh, yeah.

And Benjamin is in a curious green lit.

It looks like you're in a sort of witch's prison cell.

But a sort of techno-witch.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's quite techno-witch.

I'm at the Edinburgh Festival, and so I've come to an actual recording studio where people record their actual bands.

What were we talking, Annie, Alex?

What's

the Proclaimers?

Midge, your.

Okay.

Rod Stewart, possibly.

Possibly.

Your turn, Henry?

For what?

To name a Scottish artist?

I didn't realise that.

Well, of course.

Bannockburn Rogers.

Was that he was Rabbi Burns' hype man?

Was that right?

Yeah.

Well, Bannock Burn was actually recording in this very studio only yesterday.

You can tell by the stench of Scotch eggs.

That's right.

Which hasn't yet come out of the sound baffling.

Yeah.

And he doesn't realise that they're not actually Scottish.

They're called Scotch because the derivative of the word comes from the idea of scotching, i.e.

to scotch a rumour to hide something.

In meat.

And to hide your meat, effectively to hide your meat

within a breadcrumbed sphere yeah don't tell him that i actually saw him live yesterday oh yeah how was he yeah um it was it was bannock burn rogers and the bumhole boys which is his new backing band that's right it's um

it's he's misjudged the times hasn't he

which he keeps doing he keeps doing every decade every decade completely misjudged slightly wrong very wrong yeah yeah he was super fluffy and woke back in the 80s and uh people didn't like it but that's why he can't come back in either because he's always misjudging the if he just stuck to one thing, it would have come back in again.

But he always dodges the it keeps rebranding at the wrong moment, yeah.

He's always chasing that trend.

For example, in the mid-2000s,

he had the Madonna conical boob.

That's right,

yeah,

that's like 15, 20 years too late.

Oh, it went down like a bug at a sick, I remember.

He did, yeah, and and then he then went for rhombus, he then went

rhombus cod piece,

And no one saw that coming.

Because it's stick or twist, isn't it?

In the music industry?

And he twists.

He keeps twisting every time.

He keeps twisting.

And the music industry isn't like an owl's head.

You can't keep pushed up.

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

So he was in there last night.

So are there the usual, are there piss-filled ashtrays?

That's one of his trademarks.

Also, I can tell you right now that that his idea of making a

combining the concept of scotch egg and the zorb

is not going to work.

And that scotch egg will be his fight, that will be his tomb.

That scotch egg zorb.

Just a little pompadou for the listener.

And now it's time for

pompadou section.

Pompidou.

We're recording in mid-August.

This will be going out in the beginning of September.

We're still in holiday zone.

Logistical reasons.

We're doing an early recorder, which is why Ben is still at the pulping heart of the fringe.

I'm aware that both of you have been on holiday.

Yeah.

Any updates from the continent?

Breakfast ham-wise?

Let's go!

Q and meets of the cam tonight!

Let me hear you, Brevin.

Does that ham look right to you?

Breakfast ham-wise, I had yet variable breakfast hams.

I went to Slovenia.

it's one of the most beautiful places i've ever been

crazy a few places the second place the breakfast ham scene was was second to none in the sotra valley

the last place was near legbled sort of ribno

and there there was good breakfast hams but it was just i was slightly distracted by that thing where it's a very international euro crowd but i was aware there was only other one group of brits there just quite a young couple in their 30s who were absolute pricks

I had that thing, which I've definitely had before.

Embarrassing.

There aren't enough Brits to dilute it, but these ones are, they are bringing shame upon the king.

And they were particularly making a scene at the breakfast because they didn't like the breakfast.

Like the man bollocked a guy because he claimed the pineapple was rotten.

It wasn't rotten.

It was just, it was just very ripe and sweet.

And there were some brown bits near the skin on the slices, which is a normal finding.

And

he bollocked,

bollocked a young Slovenian who had to go and

go and basically give his pineapple a haircut and bring him a plate of pineapple.

So how did the Slovenian react?

Was it...

Because I quite like...

I like it in a hotel where someone complains and then they sort of get counter-bollocked by the person.

I quite enjoy that.

This then happened, I think, later that morning.

They checked in literally seconds after we checked in.

They arrived.

They probably assumed they were part of your family.

Yeah.

And

all we did was see them complain.

They didn't like the food.

When you, wheng, whenjy, cross, cross, cross, and treating people very poorly.

I think it was the, it must have been after only one night.

The woman of the couple went up to the front desk to complain about everything, saying that the food was inedible, even though there's like scores of Euros, you know, going

feasting upon the buffets.

You know, and they'd obviously already had enough of this.

this couple and she said

you're being very rude uh i don't buy it your complaints are nonsense And very much was like, What are you going to do about it?

Because that bit of Lake Bled is like, is booked up.

Everyone in Europe knows about it.

Like, what are you going to do about it?

Yeah.

What are you going to do about it, baby, baby?

Get stuffed.

Get stuffed, you Brexit bastards.

Yeah, totally told them to get stuffed big time.

Yeah.

Love it.

Lump it, like it or lump it.

And they lumped it.

Loved it.

How quickly did you get like a twatty read off them?

In instant.

So we had just checked in.

I could add in something here

that Henry may find offensive, but I don't know.

Oh.

There's a member of our party who is very good at.

She can get the smallest centilla of information about a person and she can find out everything about that person.

It's quite a skill.

Do you mean she has access to Google?

She's the one person in your family who you've allowed access to Google.

Correct.

How's that?

And my sister and I, we looked at this pair.

And we thought,

these people are from Putney.

What?

You just knew.

Did a bit of digging, and lo and behold, they are from Putney.

What?

It was an absolute direct hit.

Now, I apologise to people for.

Colin and Sarah.

Colin and Sarah.

It was Colin and Sarah.

Now, listen, we may have listeners from Putney.

So I apologise if you are from Putney, but I will also say, if you are from Putney, you do have a serious optics problem.

And perhaps that's something you need to sort out.

So do you think there's like a Putney archetype then that you can pick up?

Yeah, yeah, big time.

Yeah, big time.

How would you characterise the Putney archetype?

It is

that, well, the negative Putney archetype is

sort of

upper-middle class

to full posh.

It's highly entitled.

I've just written down the word entitled while thinking about this.

It is passive-aggressive.

They've spent time around horses.

They've got photos of horses.

They didn't necessarily own a horse, but this horse.

Correct.

This horse stuff in their house.

Go in.

There's either a horse or a section of a horse, a photo of a horse.

There are gelays.

There's an excess of hair and skin treatments.

There's a taut, tight manner.

You're younger, you know, young to middle age, but

were they of yesteryear and gotten to old age, they'd turn into Lady Bracknell's, basically.

Take that Putney.

If you're from Putney and want to stand up for Putney, do email in.

Feel free.

And clearly, I'm not saying that everyone from Putney.

I mean, obviously, if you're a beans list, you're from Putney,

you probably won't fit into that type.

But as I say,

your borough

has a reputational problem.

I visited Castle Bled on Lake Bled.

What I got excited about was I had a room of pipes.

Smoking pipe.

Yeah, because a woman some many years ago, when it became a sort of public museum visiting place, she

She was a great collector of pipes and in her life had amassed a collection of 64 pipes.

Oh,

not really enough for a museum, though.

No, no.

Not that almost one a year.

All very similar pipes as well.

So it looks like she probably acquired them from the same place.

So she just bought a job lot of pipes.

She might have just done it once on a quiet weekend, you know,

when the kids were on outward bound.

I don't know.

And then she bequeathed them to the nation?

She bequeathed them to the nation specifically to Castle Bled.

But it didn't have a lot of stuff.

It wasn't like very tapestry, arty.

How were they presented the pipes?

Was each one of them stuck into a wax face?

Sadly, no.

They did have some good wax figures of some ostrogoths, but they didn't have

normal piping.

What's an ostrogoth?

Glass case.

It's a sixth century type of Goth that lived in that area.

Excellent.

At that time.

Sixth, seventh century.

What would you say is their vibe?

I would

say try and have a nice old time farming,

maybe inventing cottage cheese until someone comes along and slaughters them.

Yeah.

I think that was their vibe.

Yeah.

Did they invent cottage cheese?

I wouldn't say they invented cottage cheese, but they were into their cottage cheese in that area, I think, at that time.

So the canteen must have been lovely at the end of that.

Just a full cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese and trout.

Cottage cheese and trout.

It was the Ostrogoth diet.

Hay.

Hay.

Mike, I think you could spearhead the Ostrogoth diet as a kind of weight loss thing.

Mike Wozniak's Ostrogoth diet.

Ostrogoth you with Mike Wozniak.

Find your inner Ostrogoth.

Only 10,000 dead so far.

Mike did send us some very good photos to do with the breakfast buffet.

That was breakfast one.

That was in Ljubljana itself.

That was in a hotel on the outskirts of...

of Ljubljana, rather than Ljubljana proper, where there were some very interesting meat pastes available.

I didn't see them anywhere else.

it was, yeah, that hotel specifically, they were into there.

They wanted meat to be pasted rather than sliced or roasted or

whatever.

So it's like a sort of toothpaste tube of meat.

Yeah, but that didn't seem to be universally a Slovenian thing.

You might have been worried, though, on day one.

There was a moment of, there was a frisson of panic.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

How much chicken pate will I have for each over the next two weeks?

You get used to it pretty quickly, actually.

Yeah.

And I'm already missing it.

But it looked pretty sort of

heavy

prion

what's a prion

isn't that what gives you like mad cow disease correct

well it's stuff that it's not even from the abattoir floor is it it's properly complex yeah protein uh that's uh yeah it's complex is an incredibly euphemistic way of putting it do your brain in it's anus and hoof

it's basically you you might as well put an anus and a hoof in the middle of your brain and then see how you get on with the Sudaku.

Well, of course, you'll be becoming, you will now be partially hoof, won't you, Mike?

The more of that stuff you eat, yeah.

I don't mind it.

I've had a good life, you know.

Yeah, throughout our lives, we're all building an internal brain hoof, but most people it's so small that you can't even

get it on scan, it's like a little sort of my little pony hoof, yeah, yeah.

Whereas Mike's is now most of his brain, yeah,

I'm a full, full goat, I'd say, and that's the Ostrogoth diet.

We just had a little coffee break and then Mike casually told us that he crashed a van in Slovenia into a Czech man's car.

He was very nice about it.

Was he actually?

Jakob was delightful about it.

I mean, it was mostly it was in a car park.

His car was parks.

Right.

I made a very ill-judged attempt to get our minivan into quite a narrow space and just sort of wedged the back of our van into his car to the point where he, when he returned to it, he sort of had to kind of drive it into a bit of forest to free it from the clutches of our van.

Oh, dear.

And pretty much welded into the side of his van.

But he was extremely accommodating.

The thing I was nervous about was

the rental company.

They tend to be unsympathetic about these things.

But when I took it back to Ljubljana, lo and behold, who should be the person checking over the van but a clearly, fantastically hung-over 23-year-old man

who, in the glaring sunshine, had very little interest in looking over the vehicle properly.

And even though there was clearly quite a big scratch down one side of the van, it was near one of the old blemishes that he had on his docket.

Oh, perfect.

I just assumed

everything was chinchilla.

But surely he's going to have to claim on his insurance against the car hire company, right?

We have come to an arrangement.

Have you indeed?

How much cottage cheese did he buy off him?

I have bought a year's supply of Czech cottage cheese.

How many free tour show tickets did you have to get him?

He wasn't interested in that.

If he wants to bring hundreds of his family over to the gig in Glasgow, he can.

We do need to put some bums on those seats.

We could have an entire Slovenian sort of balcony.

We could dedicate an entire balcony.

We will have to get someone to do sort of Czech audio description for the show, but it's more than worth it.

Ostrogoth translator.

He was very nice about it, and we were in touch.

He did slip in in our communications that he'd been getting

some advice from his dad, who was a former member of the Czechoslovakian police force.

Oh.

When it was Czechoslovakia, I think.

So that's a threat.

But

I think he already knew that I was partying his hands.

And

he didn't sting me hard.

Unless he's, you know, as we speak,

evacuating my bank account.

I should care.

So did you just give him hard cash?

Basically.

I love a kind of a man-to-man solution.

We don't need the system.

We don't need to trouble.

the insurance company about this.

The suits.

We need to trouble the suits.

Just two, I'm guessing, two mustachioed men, I'm guessing,

in a Slovenian car park.

Yeah, with their mustachioed wives.

With their mustachioed wives and children.

And I'm imagining

if it was a Slovenian secret police car, his one would have had a large rotating moustache on top of it.

Is that right?

Yes, that's right.

That's how you knew that it was secret police rather than official police.

That's how you know secret police, because, and that's obviously, that's to dispel any, any, any radar.

It's an anti-radar moustache.

But what I love is I love imagining this from your children's point of view, which is

something about something's being solved.

Daddy is solving something.

Two men are in a car park.

Daddy has boo-booed.

Daddy's boo-booed.

The van doesn't normally make that noise when Uncle Phil parks it.

No.

What's going on?

Something's changed.

Something's changed.

Why is it on an angle?

And the car park surface is clearly flat.

What's happening?

But there's something about that, so the handing over of, I'm picturing you counting out the reddies, the handing over of the reddies between these two men.

Both of you have got your sleeves rolled up.

I'm guessing.

Yeah, and our trouser legs, yeah.

You both rode up

everything that can be rolled up.

The waists of our t-shirts.

Yeah.

And it's about who can roll it.

It's about who can roll those trouser legs up at the highest without blinking, isn't it?

That's how these things are.

That's how these things are often settled.

Yeah, once you've got a full sort of sporty spice look, then you're good to go.

You're good to go.

You're good in negotiations.

But

it's either going to be two men wrestling in a car park or one man giving another man a fistful of notes in a car park.

All of the notes in his wallet, yes.

All of the notes in his wallet.

And some of the cards.

And then it's a case of, darling, just

turn the engine on, darling.

Just turn the engine on.

I think we're okay.

Just turn the fucking engine on.

Is there any chicken patty in the glove box we can give him?

I think I saved him from breakfast.

I'd have been so stressed out, Mike.

Because he didn't need to be nice.

If he hadn't been nice, he didn't need to be nice

and I didn't, because he wasn't in the car when it happened, but I saw from his ticket that his ticket was going to run out in like 10 minutes.

So there was this sort of 10 minutes or so of just waiting.

But I had a good vibe from his car because his car was like...

Just an ordinary, like

Skoda, like sort of a bit scruffy around the edges, full of stuff.

Do you know what I mean?

It wasn't, it wasn't like a kind of premium

rover, ultra-wax.

Do you know what I mean?

I wasn't going to be dealing with a

like a sort of Dutch CEO

or a high-up government official or anything.

No, as well.

Probably someone a bit like you, or someone a bit

just sort of

on the edge.

Financially.

And he was just

so lovely.

Oh, Oh, that's nice.

How did your family feel when you were scraping the car up?

Did you or how did you feel?

Did you feel you're letting everyone largely unsympathetic?

The children were unsympathetic.

My wife, the only thing she was worried about was that I would begin negotiations and still be wearing my kind of rainbow fun sunglasses that I have for holidays.

And she thought that might give off the wrong message.

So

I was forced to take on the full glare of the sun.

I think it was well judged, but I think Jakob would have been okay with it.

They were later smashed.

I don't know if it was deliberate or not.

Look.

Are you wearing those?

Oh, my God.

Yeah, they're quite fun, aren't they?

Hang on.

Jakob punched you in the face, Mike.

Those glasses are in three pieces.

Yeah, he

punched me.

He punched me in the face.

Of course he did.

I didn't think it was worth mentioning.

Du regur.

That's too rigorous.

That's just before you bring in the sleeve rolling.

That's part of it.

It's just part of the ritual.

And yet you still think of him as a nice guy.

He's really got you wrapped around his fucking little fist.

This is one of my closest friends.

Yes.

Mike, you need to stand up for yourself more.

You need to stop being friends with people that punch in car parks.

We can play the Patsy Jingle.

Oh, no.

Play the Patsy Jingle.

Oh, hello there.

Welcome to the Patsy Zone.

And if you could just close your eyes and sign here, here, here, and here.

Okay.

No, it's not two old bits of toenails shoved into a potato.

It's a Bitcoin.

Oh, I see.

How do you know I'm actually from your bank?

Well, if I wasn't, would I be asking for your bank details?

Of course.

Take me to the cleaners.

Let's talk about car hire, guys.

I've got a week coming up where I might go on holiday.

Very nice.

Where might you go?

Well, I'm not sure.

And I was looking at different places.

It's a long, long story.

I booked a flight to Brazil in 2020.

Yeah.

Well, you booked a holiday five years in advance.

Is that even possible?

I booked a whole day in the past.

I'm sorry, that was five years ago.

Sorry, Henry.

I think you might be using quite an old calendar.

Your chicken pate brain hoof is this day.

Nowhere you think of 2015.

Okay, sorry.

I'm sorry to say the queen is dead.

No!

Well, as long as Philip Schofield's still broadcasting.

No, so I was meant to go to Brazil in 2020, and it didn't happen because of the pandemic.

Oh, yes.

For the Brazil Olympics.

In 2016.

Which for you is happening next year.

So it makes sense that you're enjoying that and looking forward to it.

You were four years late for the Brazil Olympics.

No wonder you didn't meddle.

Well, it didn't go because there was a pandemic.

So BA sent me a voucher the for the value of the flight all right that's that's the airline not the character from the A-team yeah

yes we assume we assume unless you're applying on Barrackus air

the least likely character from the A-team to start an airline

you've got to conquer your fears by facing them head-on then

that's what the ostrogoth diet is all about

of course you're afraid of drinking a trout's milk but

that's why you need to do it.

It's a survival instinct kicking in.

So I got a voucher from BA for the value of the flight that they sent me in lieu of actually going on the flight.

But unfortunately that's deteriorated because of inflation every year.

Is that what you're saying?

Well it has, but also I'd forgotten about it basically.

So I got an email like a month ago going, by the way, you've got to use this by the end of September.

Ah, okay.

So I've been sort of gifted a little holiday.

It's quite fun in a way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A little holiday in Brazil.

Well, well, I can't afford to go to Brazil now because of inflation and the fact that it's the middle of the holidays.

Okay.

So I was looking at various places.

It's already expensive because it's August and it's BA, which is like mad expensive for some reason.

Yeah, yeah.

And BA only takes you to certain

sort of high-end locations, isn't it?

Probably, isn't it?

It's quite high-end airlines.

Yeah, they're all quite expensive.

And so I was trying to work out where I could afford to go and what to do.

And also just in a bloody-minded way, even if you're literally just flying to, I don't know, Vienna and then flying back on the same day if i know bonjo you will make that flight and you will cash in that voucher well exactly even if it's extremely inconvenient and not at all fun

you are not letting ba get one over on you

that's what i'm guessing yeah pretty much

that's the mindset yeah so i was looking at puglia in italy oh lovely yeah oh nice the old bread but i was cut off by the fact that I think it's the kind of place where you need to drive around it a bit.

Like it's lots of small places.

Henry and I have been there.

Yeah.

Ah, you went to a wedding, of course.

Well, well, Pooleia is the...

It's the boot.

It's the boot of it.

It's the boot.

It's the heel on the boot.

It's the heel.

It's the heel on the boot.

Yeah.

But it feels like a sort of place you need to drive around, I think.

For sure, yes.

And then I thought about hiring a car and I thought...

Then you thought, in a way, BA are winning, because I'm then spending money out of my own pocket, even though they've spent money out of their pocket.

BA are winning.

And that is not what this spiteful holiday is about.

This is a pure spite tour.

No, it's the red eye to Brindisi and then the red eye the following night back.

It's a double red eye.

I'm going to take a sick bag

and I will eat the contents of it.

I will not be spending money on accommodation.

I'll be sleeping rough in a recycling bin around the back of Brindisi Airport.

Yes.

And I will not have a check-in luggage.

I will have hand luggage, which I will shit in.

And that'll show them.

So it's Bari is the place.

Barry, Bari.

Yeah, Barry.

Barry.

Barry.

Barry is the place I'd be flying to.

Oh, yes, Barry.

I'm just put off by the idea of having to hire a car and then being worried about scratching it.

And then that all this is so stressful to me that actually I was like, maybe I'm not even going to go.

I have usually crashed the hire car in some small way.

Yeah.

In fact, I think the only time I didn't crash the hire van, where were we?

We were on Crete.

But I also, picked up some stuff from a supermarket, was taken back to where we were staying, and people kept getting really in the grill for about a mile.

Literally, you were running, you were driving into people, and they were getting stuck in the grill.

And the reason why people were getting so excited

was because I was driving on the wrong side of the road back then, Marcus.

Or were all of them driving on the wrong side of the road, Mike.

It's the imperial view, isn't it?

But that

sometimes you've got to stand your ground.

That incident, which should have resulted in a fatality or like a write-off of the van, for some reason, that I don't know if I was my senses, my sensitivity was heightened.

I didn't crash on that one, but I think every other time I've hired it, I've got myself into a there's been a scrape, a pickle, a bump.

It's just going to happen.

But also, I'm so stingy that I wouldn't go for that extra insurance thing.

Well, that's why I was in a panic in Slovenia because

my brother-in-law is like, like, he will not, like, feel he feels like that's like being upsold yeah yeah that's how I feel yeah so he he he'll be like no no no so you're getting into like it's suddenly it's an excess of a thousand pounds

you know and I thought oh no so look this is one of the few um bits of adulthood that I've successfully embraced is um me getting my excess insurance sorted before I I go on holiday what for some reason that's I've tried to filter out almost all practical knowledge sort of you know um nouse

and that kind of thing.

But this has somehow got through, which is, I'm absolutely religious about getting my excess insurance sorted before I go on holiday.

Because what they try and sell you in the panic at the next task.

And it works on me.

And if I, yeah, if my brother-in-law, he'll he'll take the lead because he knows.

Well, that's what brother-in-laws are for.

That's what brother-in-laws are for, Mike.

Have you ever considered that you're actually a brother-in-law as well?

And you're fucking shit at it.

You're also known as a dark brother-in-law.

You're a sicken version of the concept of a brother-in-law.

You're the sort of arse indentation a brother-in-law makes in a sofa.

That's you, yeah?

With a moustache.

Completely fair.

Absolutely fair.

No, it's fair.

So, so, so, so, because I've had so many stressful moments.

Car hire, Ben, I'm totally feel you that car hire is so stressful.

There's so much stress attached to it that it's almost, it's almost worth not going on holiday.

One incredibly stressful experience I had with car hire once was, I think it was in Italy, and it was going to the airport car hire place.

You're hot.

There's lots of other people queuing up.

And the other thing which happens in this situation is if you've hired the car

and bought your plane tickets through a third party,

is it a second party?

Through like fifth day.

There's no such thing thing as a second party.

It always skips to third.

It always skips to third, doesn't it?

It seems existing.

Second party doesn't exist.

So if you hire it through a third party, like Skyscanner, Oppodo, Kayak, Globo Tossers,

which is my name for all of these people.

Omni-Fuck.

Omni-Fuck.

What happens is...

You're then in a series of phone calls and

I'm just getting sweaty thinking about it.

You're trying to track down your car hire booking information to either, you know, to the people that have hired you the car to talk to them, to try and talk to a human being, please.

And you've got a series of reference numbers which don't fit the amount of numbers you need in the reference number

because one of them's from the third party guy, one of them's from the fifth party guy, one of them's from the airline, one of them's from the car hire.

And you know, you're supposed to be having fun on holidays and you're trapped in this kind of hot Kafka-square.

And after seven hours of that, you'll be directed to physically talk to a human, but there'll be a 45-minute walk away in in a reimagined shipping freight

at the outskirts of the airport somewhere.

And that's the person that can sort it out.

And actually, at that point, you're so stressed, you almost feel like I want to fall foul of the local mafia boss and be tied to a chair and beaten to death.

But even that's actually quite hard to organise.

Can I give our listeners a very genuine tip that I found out recently?

Oh, yes, please.

So I would always book hotels, and I would, my way of finding hotels is Google Maps, right?

Yes, nice.

Okay, I like that.

I don't know if this is normal or not.

I look at the town on Google Maps.

I write the word hotel,

and they all pop up, and they've got different money amounts on them.

Where there are sewage outlets, and where there's, if there's likely to be like a fish market or anything which is going to, isn't it?

I'm looking for donkey butchers often, yeah.

If it's out in the back of a donkey butcher's, that's perfect for me.

So, obviously, you're looking for a blend of decent reviews and good price and all that kind of stuff.

All the ones you find on there, you click through, and the good price isn't direct with the hotel, it's always through some other weird third-party website, which is called like e-sleepers or you know, gigatoats or whatever.

That you hope is real, yes, yeah, exactly.

And but I've sort of found actually that they normally are real and you and whatever, and it's often quite good savings.

But also, sometimes you go to TrustPilot, but when you're on TrustPilot, you'll have the thought, hang on a minute, what happens if I put TrustPilot into TrustPilot?

Who trusts the TrustPilot?

Who trusts the TrustPilot?

And then apparently, if you put TrustPilot into TrustPilot and press return,

you go back in time to the moment of your birth and you just have to start the whole fucking thing again.

Yeah.

But you are condemned to review every service you use throughout your life.

And that's how they get the reviews, basically.

Starting with your own mother's U-trian opening.

Is that offensive?

No.

No.

Well, it depends what your review was.

Well, I mean, if you're being generous, I'd call it cozy.

But also, you were delivered by Cesarean Section.

That's true, actually.

So, you know, you never had.

That's a fake review on TrustPilot.

Exactly.

Untimely ripped.

Untimely ripped.

Anyway, so I'd go to weddings and things where you have to get a hotel.

And just loads of times in a row, I was just in a always shit room like next to i was always next to the lift or next to the cleaning cupboard and someone would be banging around there at five in the morning yeah what why was this happening well i looked into it if you book through those third-party sites they give you the worst room in the hotel on purpose no way because they know you've paid the least of anyone in the hotel so they put you in the problem room that they know every hotel's got a problem room that they know is clean so this and the solution to this i'm guessing is you turn up and you become the problem You make louder bangs at anyone else.

You piss everywhere.

You play the banjo non-stop during the breakfast.

Now I'm the fucking problem.

You thought being next to you was the worst room in the hotel.

Actually, no, it's being next to me.

You just have to know, if you get a cheaper rate through one of those third parties, you're going in the bad room.

You need to

do expectations.

Yeah, but I've stopped doing it because they're always terrible rooms.

Terrible, terrible.

Because there's always one like like cursed room in every hotel.

Yes.

Yes.

And it'll be next to like some kind of the bin or like there'll be some there'll be like an air conditioning fan that's blowing the bin smell directly into the room.

There's always some active crime scene.

It's kind of weird how difficult it is

for a hotel to actually sort of be a hotel.

It's not that difficult in your own life normally to be in a room and sleep and stuff.

I think he's talking about buildings in like old cities that were never meant to be hotels half the time.

Yeah, it's those ones.

Yeah, yeah.

The mysterious screeching of plumbing, isn't it, in the middle of the night?

Old, old plumbing.

I was once in a hotel in Poland where every room was like in the hotel was fine apart from ours, which was genuinely about 40 degrees centigrade at night.

Wait, it's so hard to regulate hotels for some reason.

I've had the experience so many times.

You just have to pour us into one room.

And I went to the desk and I was like, it's so hot in there.

Like, can anything be done?

And they went, it is the hot pipe.

You're literally staying in the hot pipe.

Yeah.

You're in the hot pipe.

I think basically all the hot water for the entire building had to go through my room, basically.

So that's a genuine tip.

And since I've stopped doing it, it has changed my life a bit.

And I think that

before I thought I was getting one over on the hotel being like, ah, but I'm here for £49.

But they know that and they are punishing you for it yeah yeah okay so you just have to pony up basically yes so yeah you can't beat the system capitalism wise i think ben in terms of that kind of thing no that's what i've realized in terms of pay if you pay less you get less but except that's why one of the best experiences that can happen to a human being i think is being upgraded on holiday because that's one of the only times you get to truly beat the system in life that's never happened to me it's never happened to me when when does that happen if it's not it's happened to me a couple of times not often and what on a flight a flight or a hotel or what

i think when I walk into a place, there's a certain energy where people think we can shuffle things round for him.

We can move the Duke out of the presidential suite.

He's about to be deposed anyway.

Alfonso, look at me.

We're going to shuffle things round for this one, okay?

You get one chance as a Viennese hotelier.

One chance.

We're moving the Duke, but the Duchess stays in the room.

She'll discuss it with the Duke later.

She'll understand.

She's probably orchestrated the whole thing.

Recently, I witnessed something on a plane that I thought was quite interesting.

It was a long-distance plane flight.

I was sat in

normal seats,

but I was in the bit for extra legroom.

So

I was in charge of

emergency escapes.

You know that one.

That seat.

So slightly more legroom.

There should be some screening for that.

There should be.

There should be some basic screening.

Yeah.

It's almost like a panorama thing.

We got Henry Packer at the end of the seat.

Welcome to Panorama.

We got Henry Packer into the emergency seat on a British Airways flight.

So anyway, I was in that seat.

And next, there were two like teenage...

boy and girl, brother and sister, in the two seats next to me, right?

By the way, one thing about those seats they don't tell you is because there isn't a seat in front of you, you don't have a flip-down table.

Is it not ensconced within the armrest?

Is it one of those?

A table ensconced within the armrest.

But I couldn't get it out.

This is part of the screening.

They should have seen that you couldn't get it out.

And you should have been sent straight off the plane.

This is the whole point of the ensconced tray table.

That's what puzzle number one.

Puzzle two is: where's my telly?

Yeah.

And what does he watch on that telly?

Kung Fu Panda, you're off the plane.

You're mouthing all the words.

Off.

The other thing they should have spotted was that I had both of my shoes on the wrong way around,

but not left to right, back to front.

Which is why I was very confused about which way I was facing.

So, no, but genuinely this is what happened.

So, that little debt that I was like, where's the fucking table?

And then I realized, oh, is it in there?

And I was trying to get it out, right?

The table thing,

which is ensconced in the armrest, as Mike said.

I was trying to get it out, and I couldn't get it out.

I became so embarrassed that I couldn't do it that I stopped trying.

So essentially,

when you look about the kind of character type you want to be in charge of the emergency door to operate a potentially complex lever in a cross-sectional

with high stakes.

I was so embarrassed that people would see that I couldn't get the thing out, especially because the people next to me were two teenagers that had managed to get their desk out, their little table.

I was so embarrassed that I thought I'm just going to have to not get the table out for this 12 hours journey because I'm so embarrassed that I can't do it.

Or open the door if needs be.

I'm sorry.

It doesn't work this one.

There isn't a lever.

Yeah, I'm sorry, everybody.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

We'll just have to float on the Atlantic.

until we get picked up by a cargo ship.

But actually, there was a point at which I was so embarrassed, I thought, actually, you know what?

I could actually just open up that door on the left of me and get the fuck out of it.

So, anyway, but during this journey, these two teenagers were watching the breakfast club, I noticed, on one of their phones together.

Yeah, and I had this thrill urge to go, oh, that's from my era, that's a good film.

But I didn't.

You should have gone, no, see that guy there,

Emilio Estevez.

That's me, there's

yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

I was like, would have been quite a good move.

And just see what happened.

I don't know what would have happened next, but just see what happens.

That would really colour the film, wouldn't it?

Of course.

But if they believed me and we had quite a long chat about it, this is what I'd do in that situation.

I'd explain how I lost my hair quite soon after the filming of that film because of the stress of working alongside Judd Nelson.

I hadn't let his lines properly, so I lost a lot of my hair very fast.

My current accent isn't my real one.

My accent in the film is the real one, actually.

This is my plain accent.

So they trust me enough to sit next to the door.

Yeah.

I haven't exactly lost weight since doing that film, but have put on a little

put on a little bit of heights, weird.

again.

I think a lot of it's attributable to the stress of working alongside Judd Nelson, probably

and my other co-stars.

But anyway, but I didn't have to make a big deal of it.

I'm currently on my way to London to pitch the idea of the Breakfast Club 2, or as I'm thinking of calling it, the Lunch Club,

which follows on directly after the events of the Breakfast Club

using CG.

that's it, that's the whole pitch.

Using CG Rolly Ring Rolls, that's the whole pitch.

They knew what I'd like to have done, Ben

is to convince him I was Milio Estafez, waited 20 minutes as they'd gone back to watching the film, then lent over and pointed, pointed to the Judd Nelson character and gone,

Judd Nelson.

That's me, that is.

There's a brilliant Roald Arle.

It's like some short films that were like little things made out of roll dial stories there's this guy he um i forgot i've forgotten everything he does but he's a guy he's a tortoise he's a tortoise no he's um

he's is this the twilight is only one where there's like a goblin outside in the plane no no no that's that's the twilight that's twilight zone yeah um this is one where it's something like this this guy driving along with

his

i think

um

wife laby who's been attacked by someone this is edge of the seat stuff, this, Henry.

Sorry.

I was about to say, this is one of the worst retellings of a story.

But the gender could be the other way around, and they might not be married.

Could be more of a sibling thing or just friends.

But they are driving along.

And essentially, one of them has been attacked by someone, and they're driving along.

And they look at the wind and they go, that's the person that attacked me.

That's the person that attacked me.

And the guy goes, are you sure?

Are you sure?

They go, yeah, yeah.

He stops the car, goes out, and I think just kills this guy,

beats him up, kills him in an alley, then gets back in the car, they keep driving, and then, like, like a few minutes later, they go, oh, no, yeah, that's the guy that killed, that's the guy that attacked me to someone else.

And it's like, oh, this person now thinks everyone attacked them.

What's that got to do with you watching

the breakfast club over the shoulder of some teenagers?

You know what?

It would kill the mystery if I answered that.

So, sitting on this plane, what happened was halfway through the journey,

this woman woman appeared next to them,

had come up from first class and was chatting to them, and it was their mum.

Yeah.

Oh.

And yeah.

So she'd relegated her children to economy.

So I think what happened was, so

the parents were in first class.

Yeah.

The kids were in normal

coach, as they call it in America.

What's that?

But legroom normal.

But legroom, exactly.

So that's why I made all this mental deductions.

Yeah,

they'd said, look, kids, you're young.

We're not young.

We're going to give ourselves a really nice, plain experience.

You can sit next to that man.

You can sit next to that man.

We think it might be Emilio Esteves, but he looks like strangely, he looks like a kind of.

If you were to extrapolate Emilio Esteves in the breakfast club forwards in time, add the phrase, gone to seed,

gone really, really heavily to seed.

Maybe he's has glandular fever quite a lot somehow.

He looks like he's possibly only eaten carrots.

Actually, there's no way Emilio Etheves could have become that sallow.

It's not him.

Yeah, so

they'd go, you'll go in normal cast, but we'll give you the seats with the legroom.

Yeah.

But what do you think of that?

I could have thought, initially I thought it was a bit mean, then I thought, actually, it's fair enough, probably.

What do you think?

As a kind of division of, I don't know, what they've done there in the family?

I think actually, yeah, my initial thought was like, that's a bit much, but, well, that's a bit mean, whatever.

But actually, it's fine, isn't it?

Because going on a plane as a teenager is really exciting anyway.

Exactly.

Yeah, they've got enough.

And they don't, I mean, they don't need it.

I mean, I get the impression that first class is a pretty wild experience.

Do you know what I mean?

Is it like hedonism and like, is it just mad?

Is it last days of Rome?

I don't think you ought to expose a young mind to that.

It's the court of Louis XV.

I don't think anything's going to be good enough after.

That's a good point, Mike.

That's a really good point.

Yeah.

Because I once went to business class.

Oh, I was upgraded.

There you go.

That's an upgrade story.

But it was because they'd messed up and we had to go on a different plane than the one they thought they were going to go on.

So they had less seats in economy than normal.

So

I got to go in business class.

Plus,

your kind of papyrus Habsburg passport is so huge.

It does sort of draw attention to it, doesn't it?

It does, doesn't it?

It's got so many royal seals on it.

Yeah.

it's quite heavy

and it's a it's a bottle it's it's a it's a what's a it's a it's a it's a portrait it's an oil portrait of you isn't it the photo in the style of bottagelli so you're coming you're rising out of the sea aren't you on a clam it's also got a plaster death mask of pope julian which is quite heavy yeah

which is so hard to fake

isn't it

yeah against tongues wagging behind the desk for sure yeah and actually i don't i it wasn't business class it was called something like premium economy so it's like still economy, but just like a bit better.

Yeah, or there's no way that sometimes means there's a sort of free seat in the middle or something.

Yeah, it was so good.

I didn't like calling it premium economy.

That means it's not like it's more economy than economy.

Do you know what I mean?

This is premium economy.

But I think, if what, yeah, it seems like there's like one extra inch of space, but that inch is the inch that matters.

You're totally right, Mike.

That was exactly it.

It was like very, very slightly bigger.

It was about 5% bigger in all ways, but for some reason it made 100% difference.

It was

Did you have a glass of champagne?

Was it that kind of vibe?

No, no, no, no, no, no, just some nuts, I think.

It was good.

Well, it's no, it's a nice, it's a nice feeling being upgraded, yeah.

But you were spoiled from that point on, you know, but from that, I mean, you've had a taste of it, the high life.

My car high, I think, recently in France, it actually went okay.

I, um, which is never a good thing for an anecdote, is it?

Was that it?

Was that the whole idea?

Yeah, it still went, it actually went okay.

Well, not all stories have to go badly.

Yeah, that's true.

It was a nice little fiat.

A lovely little fiat.

But I tell you what, I fell foul of.

So I used to be totally paranoid about it getting scratched because of the little tour they take you on when you look at it.

But this time, everything went fine.

But I fell foul of this is so basic.

I fell foul of forgetting to refill the petrol.

So that on the way to the airport at the end, I was like, I'll just keep driving and i'll find some petrol i drove from brittany to hanover

but you know you you always find yourself in a sort of petrols

sort of blank blind spot

driving and driving and driving there's no petrol anywhere

I eventually googled like a supermarket trying to find this French town

asking directions for

the street in Hanover

But I'm in Hanover.

It's got to be a French.

It's big enough.

There's got to be a French town here.

There's got to be a French town here somewhere.

The history of Europe is so complex.

There's still got to be one French town here somewhere.

System.

I kind of assume there'll be a petrol station near the airport because of this.

Yeah, yeah.

I would have had the same thought.

And I think actually there was one, it turned out, as I drove back, there's certain things which I still find really hard to do.

Like, how do you find a petrol station?

I mean, how do you do that?

Is there actually a way of doing that now?

Using AI?

How do you find a petrol station?

AI is up to it, I think.

Is it AI?

How would you find a petrol station, Ben?

I'd use my old friend Google Maps.

But can you just write petrol station in Google Maps?

Yep.

And I'll come up with a petrol station.

In an airport, I'd use my old friend Perimeter Rose.

And trust to luck.

Let's face it, Mike, you'd get a brother-in-law to do it for you.

That's true.

Yeah, come on.

I'm just doing some myth-making.

I'm trying to claw something back.

It's absolutely nonsense.

I'm shouting for Uncle Phil again.

Uncle Phil, the security geese, have seen me.

I can't think straight with all the honking.

I can't think.

Right, now what's happened is

we've had a nice time talking about our holidays and holiday-related anecdotes.

And I think we have officially run out of time to

do a topic.

But we could still turn on the B machine and give it a quick go.

Well, let's just do the topic, but do it just like incredibly densely and expertly and efficiently.

Yeah, let's do it.

Right, let's turn on the beam machine.

Okay, yes, please.

Sam from Aurora has sent in the topic Noodles.

Noodles.

It's a form of

extrapolated rice.

Thank you.

And emails.

And I was listening to a podcast the other day where it was suggested that they might have come from Persia originally.

Okay, let's read your emails.

Yes, please.

When you send an email,

you must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before.

Good morning, Postmaster.

Anything for me?

Just some old shit.

When you send an email,

this represents progress

like a robot shoeing a horse.

Give me your horse.

My beautiful horse.

If you'd like to email us, you can email us on threebeansalad pod at gmail.com.

Now, we'll start with one from

Jacob.

Oh, not Jakob.

Oh, is this a follow-up?

That money you gave me was it was Slovakian monopoly money.

It was thin sheets of duck paste.

Jacob emails because we talked, so there was an episode that came out that was a Patreon episode, but we put it out to everyone, so everyone will or may have heard it, about Hans the Hedgehog.

Oh, yes.

In which Henry read us the story of Hans the Hedgehog, which was a Grimm's fairy tale.

And during that episode, I talked about the fact that I'd been to a pub in Germany where the mascot of the pub was a fox with human boobs.

Oh, yeah.

And we talked a little bit about the ramifications of that.

It's the perfect creature, isn't it?

Please imagine the perfect creature.

So Jacob says, hi, Beans, on the topic of sexy mascots with human boobs from your Hans the Hedgehog podcast, I present the bear from mother bears pizza in bloomington indiana okay oh

okay so mama bear i'm ready for seeing whether this might be good it sounds like something else where they've started with the boobs and then uh

oh oh good oh

oh god oh that is yeah

it's not okay is it for some reason it's a bit young i think i look at that bear and i i see i see a student trying to make a bit of cash you don't say weekends i don't see a mama bear no i see I see a student bear.

And by the way, Mike, does it soften it at all if I was to tell you that bears generally reach sexual maturity and start having cubs between the ages of three and seven?

At what age do they start working as wait staff in pizza wars?

But they have gone for sexy bear, though, haven't they?

It's a young, mature female bear.

She has something of an hourglass figure let's say she's wearing a cinched red dress quite low cut I would say around that yes there's a full decolletage

and she's shiny of nose and shiny of eye suggesting health vitality and fertility

and she's also able to carry a massive pizza with one hand and she's she's smiling she's having a great time she's also wearing heels Yeah, a short heel.

Red heels.

A short heel, but it's just giving just a little bit of definition of the calves to repent the whole image.

Put it this way:

I could imagine worse bears to hibernate with.

You know what I mean?

I've had to.

Which may be their motto.

I don't know.

Jacob is absolutely right.

They have gone for sexy bear.

But I think, Mike, you're right.

This is something I don't like the way that I feel this has been assembled.

I'm giving you the illustrator's angle on this.

Pens, colour home, pencils, the vanishing point.

Perspective, the horizon.

Not technically a profession in the traditional sense.

Eraser.

Crayon.

Charcoal.

A view from the illustrator's chair.

With Henry Packer.

And I thought to myself, that beaver needs one thing.

It's either a moustache or a bow tie.

But it can't be both.

But I was wrong.

The perspective on the bear's eyes and nose.

Yeah.

I feel like we're looking up at them, but we're looking down at the ticolotage.

Yes, that's interesting.

What I feel, so I feel that that the image has been uh, it's a kind of Frankenstein's illustration.

They've taken bits from different

so essentially, I think they've taken a picture of a cute bear, it's a kind of cute bear face, which looks quite childlike, as you say.

They've taken that from like a kid's rucksack or a kid's pencil case or a kid's book, yeah, and they've taken the logo from some sort of they've taken a picture off a squaddy's wall.

Perhaps they were in a rush.

I think that's exactly it.

And they've fused the two together.

And it's quite an uneasy relationship that the two veterans of the image have with each other.

And then you've got all of that going on, and then you're supposed to be in the mood to eat a pizza.

So it's just

quite confusing, isn't it?

Well, thank you for that, Jacob.

And if anyone else lives near somewhere with

a buxom animal mascot, then do send it in.

I think the effect it's trying to get is for you to feel, I think,

okay, I think I want to have sex with a bear.

But maybe I'm just hungry.

It could just be that I'm hungry.

Probably just hungry.

Or it could be more along the lines.

You discover things about yourself throughout life.

Yeah.

Change is the only permanent.

I've never had sex with a bear.

I've never thought I'd want, but it's possible that I want to have sex with a bear.

Now, I can't have sex with a bear, as far as I understand legally.

It's not included in the rhyme, is it?

Which rhyme?

If it's black, fight back, if it's brown, lie down.

If it's white, good night.

If it's wearing, if it's got an exposed collotage and a short red dress,

eat a margarita.

Yeah.

So I think it's designed to confuse you and to think, well, yeah, I better have some pizza in the meantime while I work out what the hell is going on in my mind and whether I need to seek out chemical castration.

It might be something they offer you in the restaurant as well.

Which is ironic because I had dough balls for the starter and then no balls for the minutes.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

Yeah, lovely.

Oh, my God.

By the way, that's a callback.

That's one of that's a throwback to what I always thought, imagined chemical crustration was, which is that you dip your testicles into a beaker of acid

and they get completely singed off.

That's why I genuinely always thought that's what it meant.

Chemicals.

The chemicals.

Anyway.

Okay.

Gets you thinking that logo, doesn't it?

As it turns out, it's Jacob.

Caitlin has emailed.

We have a section called Cured Meats of the Continent.

Yes.

In which people send in photos of their whole day breakfast hams from the breakfast buffets of Europe.

Yes, the summer may be over, but we'll always have those golden memories.

The memories of the breakfast hams that we consumed.

Whether German business traveller or Italian fun seeker, ham is always there for you at breakfast.

The Foreign Holiday Breakfast Buffet Ham update.

Does that ham look right to you?

But Caitlin is from Western Massachusetts, so I think I can make an exception here, because I think this is a good submission to the canon.

Yeah.

It also has a relevance to a previous episode of ours.

West Massachusetts ham naïve.

So this is.

Yes.

So I've sent that over.

Oh, good God.

Mike, explain what you're seeing there.

God almighty.

So in the foreground.

Jesus.

In the foreground is a little card labelling the producers ham salad, $8,49 per pound.

They're selling it per pound and behind it is a large yellow bowl with something that at first glance

it looks like

a sort of a pile of dried out industrial adhesive possibly i think you're being generous

or if perhaps a a turkey was caught in the sort of outer blast range of a thermodynamic bomb

what was what was left from that

As the radiation ripped through it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or maybe if it had been repeatedly struck by lightning.

Yes,

the smallest puff of wind would it would disintegrate into

I think it looks like something which I would I think Rodney's industrial viscera yeah which is a

a substance you could buy in in the 70s and a lot of 70 if you're making a 70s horror film

you just buy like two or three tons of Rodney's industrial viscera because it's going to come it's going to come in handy at some point.

It's a fruit colouring and it's whatever you want it to be.

It's your spleen, it's your brain.

It's your spleen.

It's a face being splattered across an elevator floor.

You know, you tell the story.

Rodney doesn't, you know,

Rodney doesn't get involved in that.

That's up to you.

You have the imagination.

He has the viscera.

Yeah, for only £8.49 a pound.

Yeah, so I guess the message I think from us is Americans, please up your game when it comes to salad.

What are you doing?

It doesn't have anything remote.

It's completely pink.

It's got nothing you can show me a picture of that with without the the label and you could give me a thousand guesses i would i would not get anywhere near ham salad no you know i'd have i'd have gone for 200 crabs brains

that have been sat on

i'd have said that before i'd have said ham salad

It's time

to play the ferryman

Patreon

Patreon

Patreon.com

forward slash free bean salad

thanks to everyone who's trying to put up Patreon.

Yeah, thank you.

It's a good place to go.

You can get video episodes.

You get monthly bonus episodes.

And then on the months when we're not doing our normal episodes, you get a new episode every week.

There's lots of stuff on there.

Go and check it out.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge, where Mike was only last night.

You better believe I was.

And

pretty exciting night, I guess, because it was.

Well, it was the revenge of Brian Fairy, wasn't wasn't it?

Indeed, it was.

Thank you, Henry.

And here's my report.

It was the long-awaited revenge of Brian Ferry last night at the Sean Bean Lounge.

While Brian Ferry's litany of grievances were directed at Sean Bean himself for a host of pranks, slanders, and violations, it was agreed that the vengeance could target a series of hand-picked substitutes as Sean Bean was busy with a violin lesson.

So it was that Rory Hancock, Jacqueline Hayes, Alice the Herbalist, and Charlie M lined up faithfully to be pelted with warm Northumbrian turds as payback for Sean Bean shaving off the eyebrows of everyone at Brian Ferry's record company in 1973.

In 1982, Roxy Music were excited to learn they had sold out Wembley Arena for the first time, only to discover on the night that every single ticket had been purchased by Sean Bean and every seat bar one was taken up by a haddock.

The final seat was occupied by Princess Michael of Kent, meaning Brian Ferry et al.

had to play the concert in full.

To avenge this, Ralph Clapham, Marcus the Don Cano, Gary Niles, Ryan Jones and Harold Thalangi were forced to repeatedly offer to wash Tyson Fury's car while Tyson Fury wasn't in or near his car until Tyson Fury snapped and lashed out.

In the cold snap of 2010, Sean Bean hid Brian Ferry's only radiator key, for which Kelly, Ellie C., David Stacey, Kathy and Blythe had to throw all their own shoes off a nearby motorway bridge.

In 2015, Sean Bean finished off Brian Ferry's unattended Sudoku.

The tit for that particular tat came in the form of Tracy Thompson, Helen Napoli, Charlie Coombs, John Mulaney, and Mikey P having to spend a year living and competing as full-time homing pigeons.

While as retribution for Sean Bean telling the Warren Commission that Brian Ferry had been on the grassy knoll in Dallas on the 22nd of November 1963, Andy Ingalls, Mivanwi, Casey McGurt, Chris C., and Rachel R.

were compelled to move to Derby permanently.

Thanks all.

Okay, let's finish off the episode with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you lot.

Yes, please.

This is from Chris.

He writes, Attached is a version of your theme tune, this time an homage to the classic 1970s crime action drama series, The Professionals.

Oh, yeah.

Great stuff.

Being the chronicles of two young firebrands and their wizened leader, I've been a longtime listener to your podcast.

Okay, there's a switcheroo there.

Who's the wizened?

Who's the most wizened?

What does he mean there?

I don't easily understand.

He's gone for a switcheroo.

Yeah.

I think maybe you don't know enough about the professionals for this switcheroo to work.

Oh, I see.

Hopefully this theme captures the essence of your dynamic, as the original did for Bodie, Doyle, and Cowley in the TV show.

I've never seen the professionals, but I do know the theme tune, and it is a banger.

So I'm looking forward to this one.

Brilliant.

Nice to be back, everyone.

Yes.

See you next week.

Thank you very much.

We'll play out with this version of our theme tune.

Here we go.

Thank you.

Cheerio.

See you soon.

Bye.