Antarctica

Hello everyone.

Hello.

And welcome to a slightly strange episode of Three Bean Salad.

Yeah.

Because it is the first ever episode

where we are in the same room together.

I know.

Mad things that we've never met until this moment.

How weird.

Yeah.

Ben's much smaller than I imagined he would be.

Ben's way smaller than I imagined.

My head, I know people always suffer from this when they first meet me, is much smaller compared to my shoulder width than you'd think it would be.

It should be.

It should be.

Or is.

Or is.

And weirdly, Mike is the perfect proportions.

He's like, he's the Fibonacci sequence made man.

Yes.

Mike, he's the golden ratio.

I'm a spiral human.

He's, yeah, it's true.

Mike is, he's in perfect proportions no matter how far away you are from him.

Yeah.

I'm to scale.

You're completely to scale.

It's quite weird actually to see someone who's actually that to scale.

You're like a one-to-one map of yourself.

It's taken a lot of work.

Yeah, it's incredible.

Yeah, and I wouldn't recommend it.

You've also got a very healthy glow.

Thank you.

Whereas I, I noticed earlier, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

I look more pale than a human skeleton.

You look tremblingly pale today.

I don't know why.

I just sometimes get really pale as...

Pale as.

I'm getting boatswain of a ghost ship.

Oh, yeah.

So quite high-ranking on the ghost ship.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're up there, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's quite a ghost ship.

It's quite,

I'd have a sort of some sort of skeletal parrot, skeletal sausage dog, and a footful sort of skeletal animal companions.

Yeah, yeah.

And a skeletal ship.

But you are getting direct skeletal commands from the skeletal captain.

Yes.

Okay, so I'm not top.

You're not a decision maker, right?

I'm not decision-making.

You are in a managerial role.

Yeah, for sure.

So just to explain what's going on, we are currently on our UK tour.

Oh, yeah.

We are.

And we're not in the tour bus because we don't have a tour bus.

We've got Mike's Citroen.

That's right.

Yeah.

The Bean Whip.

Because, yeah, we're supporting Shakira across the UK.

That's right.

Europe.

And it's weird when you support Shakira, because she's got such a big entourage, such a big system around her.

We've actually literally not met Shakira once in the whole tour.

Or even her people, because they've got people to get people to be able to get people to get people because they've got completely

hold to it, really.

So it's almost as if we're not.

It feels almost as if we're weirdly like we're not supporting Shakira.

And as a punter i think that's reflected in the in the experience of the audience that's right because they don't even know that we're supporting shakira but if we're in a different venue from shakira we're going to completely

at a different time yeah yeah and country yes but we are supporting shakira that's it yeah that's the underlying facts of it isn't it in terms of the uh the paper trail so yeah we're on tour we're currently in a hotel room in leeds yeah yeah

um we won't give away the the hotel brand no because i might lightly slag it off yeah go for it yeah i think it's good actually Yeah.

What we noticed is that each room, they've made an effort to try and theme each room, but a very low effort.

So, because basically

no one had noticed yesterday, I noticed that the hotel rooms were themed, and neither of you two had even clocked it.

No, no, no.

So it's a very, very minimal theme.

Because the rooms are deliberately quite dark, almost as if they've slightly ashamed of their level of theming.

Yeah.

So none of it pops out

to the eye.

But it is there if you look for it.

Yours is...

Who is that on the wall?

I can barely see from here.

So mine is...

There's a Cluedo character.

There's a close-up of one of the cards from Monopoly, is it?

Yeah, they've mixed it up because it has a street from Leeds.

So it's a Leeds version of Monopoly.

So my one is games.

The theme of my room is games.

So there's a Cluedo character.

There's a spanner, which is one of the Cluedo murder characters.

Yeah, that's framed.

And then there's

some Scrabble pieces framed.

Oh, yeah.

There's a dice-themed poof.

I've got a large square dice-themed poof, which I've only just, I hadn't even noticed that that was dice-themed.

Yeah.

And I think the idea is

game, isn't it?

It's ludic.

Ooh, lovely.

Roll the dice.

Yeah.

And sleep is a game, isn't it?

Take your chances.

You might sleep, you might not.

That's the game.

Will you wake up?

Buckaroo.

Yeah.

Have you got the buckaroo theater?

I've got the buckaroo.

A buckaroo bed.

So you've got to be very, very careful when you turn over.

Very careful where I put my saddle when I've gotten into bed.

I've got the Pop-up Pirate bed.

Okay.

So through the night, members of staff come in, plunge a plastic sword into my side.

I feel a barrel to see if I wake up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Turns out I do every time.

And then, of course, I've got a Hungry Hippos themed buffet buffet breakfast, haven't I?

Delicious white plastic balls.

I have some delicious white plastic balls, which are all coated in a different white sort of flavoured fluid.

Are they?

Yeah, tahini.

Tahini.

Milk.

Yeah.

Meringue.

And look, liquid meringue, yeah.

Yeah.

And white pudding, of course.

White pudding, of course, if you if you want

the full meat, though.

Yeah, so my room is themed, but around dominoes, I think.

Oh, right.

Really?

I don't think they have all of them.

Mine is similar to Henry's.

I've got a different, I've got a Reverend Green instead of whoever that person is.

I still don't know who that is.

Is it Colonel Peacock?

I can have a look at it.

Hang on.

It's Mrs.

Peacock.

It's Mrs.

Peacock with the spanner.

I never really got into Cluedo.

Cluedo's one of those games where actually, if you boil it down, like if you took away all of the

coating, which is there's been a murder, there's these people.

It's just a sort of maths game.

But is it even a maths game?

So Cludo is a game which I played as a kid.

And you know, like when you're a kid, you don't play the full version of the game.

So when I played Monopoly, I'd just be driving a little car around.

Sure.

And even when I was playing chess,

they'd just be fighting

like toys.

Then you learn the actual rules of chess and you realise it's not for me.

Right.

So with Cluedo, I had the same thing, which is you're told.

that you're Professor Peacock or whatever, you're given the identity.

I think so, yeah.

Yeah.

And then you, yeah, then there's there's a weapon in a room and everyone's just ticking them off yeah it's just mathematical it's not even mathematical it's listic it's listical you exclude it's it's just

it's a logic puzzle

it's not even logic is it it's just it's like a shopping list you tick it off tick off so it has to be that one there's no deduction so but essentially what happened with me was as a kid i thought okay one day i'll learn the real one and then and then i think i eventually realized no that was it but i think there is this wonderful period between being so young that you can't really play the game and then working out it's just a kind of logic puzzle There's like a six-month period in the middle where you're like, I'm a detective.

What is it about this colonel that would mean he would kill the terrible Mr.

Black?

And then

somehow you do get into that, but it lasts about maybe six weeks even.

Yeah.

And then you realize what it is.

There's no motive, which I think is the missing thing from Cludo, which I would like.

There's no like stories with motive.

It's all just mode and opportunity.

And I think motive would make it a bit more interesting, potentially.

Have you ever done, as an adult, one of those dinner parties where it's a murder mystery dinner party and you're meant to go up dressed as a Nazi or whatever?

No, but again, I imagine there's a window in your life where you want it, where that's great fun.

And you think you've passed it?

I think I've passed that.

Yeah, I don't think I'd find that fun anymore.

I think there was a time.

I know some friends who did one recently.

Right.

The one person they were all certain wasn't the murderer was someone's teenage daughter who turned up quite late.

Right.

Like on the day, wasn't even part of the thing because they were all quite well pre-organised.

Right.

And then she just was the murderer.

She was.

But they'd assumed that she couldn't possibly be because these things were organized weeks in advance.

That's the kind of thing where I'd actually,

complain if that happened.

Yeah.

That just feels like that's not fun.

And so was that a hotel that organized it or

someone's home party, but I think hired a kind of like, you know,

a special bespoke mystery thing.

But also in the same way that Cluedo is basically some set dressing around what is just like a logic problem.

Yeah.

I think with those dinner parties, it's just set dressing around what is dipping your toe into swinging, isn't it?

Essentially, that's exactly it.

Yeah.

I think it's yeah, it's it's

it people are there to fuck.

I'm assuming that's right.

Maybe not with your sort of family-based one.

Or bringing along their teenage daughter.

Yeah, I didn't get the sense that was yeah, that wouldn't have been on yeah.

Well, that's why she was the murderer.

So she had to then be sequestered away into the jail while her parents and her parents' friends

went at it like sewing machines.

Yeah, yeah.

Hmm.

Okay.

Food resort.

Sorry, back to.

There's some questions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, no, I never got.

So there's a few things I think I've sort of

missed the bust on.

I never, never did.

I never really got into paintballing.

I've never done paintballing.

But do you get?

Yeah, that's quite rare to get into it.

Most people, like, I have done that on a standard, which I think is the normal level of experience.

I never did paintball.

It's a red letter day.

It happens.

You've done it.

Tick the box.

Was it fun?

It was quite fun, but it's one of those things where

the guys who are running it are too serious.

They have to do their health and safety thing.

They're also clearly doing it every single weekend and have convinced themselves on some level that they are basically an army ranger.

An elite.

Yeah, they should probably be able to go to the Remembrance Day Senator area.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, hold their head high.

And shoot a paintball up into the air.

Yeah.

And they're armed with sort of special sort of weird paintball sort of long guns that they've

cost the same as a flat.

I think those people, when they go to bed at night, they don't rule out the possibility if the army are wiped out, if the navy are wiped out,

if ground force are wiped out.

I'm a titch marshal and Charlie, didn't we?

And if they're all wiped out, if the drones get hacked,

what are we left with?

What

paint?

It's all we'll have.

We'll go straight to BNQ,

secure the ammo.

Yeah.

Because it sort of relies on then if you hit an enemy assailant with some paint, they have to put their arms up and go, yep, they're going to go back to admission.

I'm out of the war.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's an honor system.

You're counting on that.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't be wiping it off with a hankey.

No.

No.

So, I mean,

if the Chinese army do arrive with, and they have hankies, then even that force is in real trouble.

They've outmaneuvered us again.

Because

I've never done it.

I kind of wanted to do it quite a lot when I was a teenager.

It felt very exciting to me.

And I feel like I've missed the bus as well because I think the truth of it is that it's just very painful.

It is painful.

Yeah, yeah.

If it hits your flesh.

How would you get together that many people unless you're getting married.

You'd have to get married in order to have the stag to, you know, there comes a point where how are you going to get like 10 of your friends together?

That is why a lot of marriages actually happen.

That is why a lot of marriages actually happen.

And it's also why the divorce rates are so high because then you get to do it again.

Yeah.

It's numbers and it's also sort of three-line whip factor, isn't it?

It's sort of compulsory or near-compulsory attendance.

That's right, yeah.

Whereas if you're just suggesting, if you're sending an email out to everyone you know saying, Do you want to go paintball?

I want to go paintballing

in seven months' time.

I know you're available.

People will find a reason why they

can't go.

But I think though, Henry, you can go on your own and you just turn up and then it's just like you versus twenty accountants on a on a band on a bottomless.

I think you get randomised I think, don't you?

Isn't that if you turn up on your own?

I'm assuming that's incel that's incel territory, isn't it?

You'll you'll end up falling in with some just odd people,

won't you?

Yeah, who sort of try doing

militia training.

They're going to do paintball when it's not when it's not a wedding.

Yeah.

I mean, that's like buying a Panettonian when it's not Christmas.

Yeah, yeah.

It's it's a dangerous crew, whoever those people are.

I don't want to be aware of that.

It's the people who are sort of bug-idly bug-idly watching YouTube videos jealously of militias training in the woods in North Carolina.

That's where they want to be.

That's true.

But they can't recreate that in the peak district.

It doesn't work.

I think the thing, I remember people telling me quite proudly, it does hurt, though.

I think they like that, don't they?

If you get hit in the face with a paintball.

Oh, make no mistake, it's going to smart.

Have you ever been stung by a bee?

Well, imagine half of that.

And also, it goes away a lot quicker.

And there's less chance of an allergic reaction.

It's much less serious.

I think the fact that it does hurt is a big deal.

So the nearest thing I ever did was Quasar.

Yeah, I did do Quasar.

Did you guys do Quasar?

Quasar was fun.

We had, like, it was one of the few things to do in Portsmouth growing up.

Just to explain for people outside, I think outside of the UK, it's known as Laser Quest.

Laser Quest.

Yeah, right, okay, yeah.

Same thing, yeah.

Basically.

So I did Quasar

and...

found it massively disappointing.

Yeah.

I couldn't get the lasers to really work.

It wasn't clear if I wasn't good at shooting or if if it was just another technical thing in life that wasn't really working well.

It was quite stressful.

Yeah, I had a similar thing.

I was saying to the guys, like, so how do I make the lasers fire out of my eyes?

And they were like, that's not how this works.

I was like, what?

What's up, we purely relying on the penis

on my penis cannon?

You're not telling me there's no penis cannon.

This is a joke.

Yeah.

Well, also, there was a bunch of, so I was like, I reckon I was like my early 20s, and I just got absolutely massacred by a bunch of 12-year-old kids.

Yeah, that's who it's for, right?

Yeah, that's who it's for.

And I think that's when that was, I think, my LazyQuest hater, there was a period where in the Tricorn Centre, and which is just a massive like Tricon Centre.

I think we know what the Tricon Centre is like.

How did it earn its three corns?

One, for entertainment, two, for having a great cafeteria, three, three, safety,

an almost impeccable safety record.

If you don't count the years 1983 to 97,

1994 to 1995.

What was the Tricorn Centre?

It's just a massive

rectangular multi-story car park.

What?

It's not even three-sided.

No, but it's Portsmouth.

It was near the naval dockyard, so I assume it's naval

hats.

Portsmouth is too embarrassing.

Can I say embarrassingly navel-pilled?

Have I not talked about this before?

Everything has to have a navel sort of moniker on it.

Have I not talked about this place before?

Well, the Tricorn Centre, no.

Because it was this massive, like, concrete, like, brutalist structure.

Oh, wow.

That was so dense that the rumour was, because everyone wanted it demolished because it was so ugly.

But the rumour was that the amount of demolition it would expose it would take to floor it would mean the level of explosion, all of Portsea Island upon which Portsmouth was sat would be reduced to nothing but a sheet of glass.

And you could visit what was Portsmouth.

It'd be like a sheet of glass with these screaming face.

Exactly.

Squashed into it forever.

That's not what I told you about that.

But they have got rid of it now.

I think someone just took a sledgehammer to it instead.

Oh, basically.

Yeah, there was a vintage shop where you'd go for like your guns and roses belt buckles, yeah, right, uh, and there was laser quests, and was that called the poop deck,

almost certainly, everything's got a yeah, gotta have a naval moniker, and that was it, basically.

So, you've got the buckle shop, the laser quest, laser quest, you can buy new Australian new buckles, that's the end of the list, take it to Laser Quest, and that's the tricode multi-story parking, but okay, but multi-story parking, yeah, so maybe those are the three corners.

I'm trying to remember what the narrative story was.

Like, what was the kind of sci-fi

because was there a a kind of okay, guys?

We're in the it's 2250.

I don't remember that.

It's 2025.

I didn't even bother with that.

Yeah, government, yeah, Britain has fallen under the grips of Kiar Starmer,

an alien from the Blandelon system.

Oh, lovely.

Yeah,

lovely bit of satire.

Ladies and gentlemen, please pray silence for a moment of satire.

Jonathan Swift, holding institutions to account, Mark Twain.

Speaking truth to power.

Chaucer.

A core part of any healthy democracy.

Chumber Wumber.

Can our jokes actually change government policy?

Of course they can.

Quiet.

Please respect this important mode of humor.

Okay, let's turn on the bean machine.

You betcha.

By the way, Ben, what was it like having to...

Obviously, you're having to bring the bean machine into hotels.

Well, the hard bit is not showing the staff what I'm bringing in.

Yeah.

So we have to sneak be in a little bit.

Very low.

Very big chicken.

Yeah.

And because I remember, because one of the receptionists did ask me that he thought he'd seen something on CCTV, and I just improvised.

I said

it's a kind of meat piano.

And

he seemed to be okay with that.

It's cleaning up the trail is the hardest thing.

Yeah, it's the trail.

So we have to choose hotels without kind of carpets and things

in the general areas.

And Dyson don't do a handheld hoover that can deal with that liquids of that temperature.

No.

Well, they're non-Newtonian liquids.

It's non-Newtonian liquid, isn't it?

So a lot of it is liquid, which

if the wind's blowing one way, it's a powder.

If it's blowing the other way, it's a solid.

Exactly.

If you punch it, it punches you back.

It punches you back.

And it's a mixture of inorganic and organic stuff.

So you can't use the industrial Henry Hoovers.

Please don't email us to suggest using the industrial Henry Hoovers.

We've tried.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

we went to the Henry factory and they made us a mega Henry.

They made us a Mega Henry.

You can't just buy it.

Yeah.

They then lost control of the Mega Henry.

That's loose in the Wirrel, has it?

It's now loose in the Whirl.

Which is why the Wirrel's been shut down.

Yes.

Yeah, you'll know about that if you're on the Whirl.

Yeah.

Yeah, or indeed in the Wirral.

Hmm.

Well, we'd have to ask the Mega Henry what the official

way to say that is.

But basically, it looks like

the drone footage suggests that the Mega Henry is slowly sucking up the Whirl.

Yeah.

Bootle has totally gone.

Completely gone.

Is Bootle on or in the Whirl?

It might be.

Well, if it was, it isn't now.

That's true.

Okay, well, let's turn on the beam machine.

Let's do it.

This week's topic sent in by Mark from Bremen.

Oh, hello.

Brackett's near Collierswood.

Really?

Where's Collierswood?

Next London.

Next to Tooting.

It's on the northern line.

Okay, yeah.

Next stop along from Tooting.

It's got a big

supermarket.

I once went to a big Moss Bros there.

Yeah.

I lived there for a year.

Did you?

Yeah.

It's a bit of a no-man's land, isn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Ben, you've never really talked much about the Tooting years.

No.

You were.

I was Mr.

Tooting.

You were Mr.

Tooting, weren't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Beck?

Broadway.

Broadway.

Yeah, same.

Yeah.

It's a fun name for a place, isn't isn't it?

It's very much a place name that you'd think would be in like Postman Pat or something.

Well, I watched something recently, like a film or TV show where they went to Tooting.

Right.

What was it?

Was it CSI Tooting?

No, it was the new Spinal Tap film.

Oh, yeah.

One of the characters lives in Tooting

and runs a glue shop.

Is that right?

Or

a sort of history of glue museum or something.

That's right, wasn't it?

Yeah, historical glue shop.

And they say it's in Tooting Beck.

And they've obviously said that because they think it's a a funny name.

Right.

But because it's America, they've made it look like a sort of Harry Pottery, old worldy.

It was filmed in Kensington as well.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a really weird decision.

But they obviously just thought Tooting Beck was fun enough.

Yeah, odd decision.

Yeah.

Anyway, it sounds quaint, doesn't it?

Yeah.

But it's not.

It's just a.

It's a fox zone.

The foxes have taken that area.

Really?

In much the same way that the Mega Henry is laying waste to the Wirral.

To the Wirral.

The massed fox ranks have.

I think I lived there pre-gentrification, and then uh bundled came in with the gentrification wave and then was driven out by the foxes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think you're right, though.

People aren't talking about that post-gentrification wave.

That's the that's that's the waves, isn't it?

It's it's um it's it's what do you call it?

It's jet gentrification, it's gentrification, isn't it?

You must have heard of that as a concept.

No, I thought I thought might be saying genification.

I do mumble and I'm aware of that.

Occasionally, when I listen back to the podcast, I can barely hear what I'm saying.

I thought it was a lot of long-term back apology to the listeners there because I have always been a mumbler.

Yeah, so gentrification in London, I guess, so what the pattern is, you have a sort of quite a run-down sort of

maybe post-industrial sort of zone.

Then Gale's cafes come in.

It becomes

affordable.

Yeah.

And then

you get classy things coming in.

The prams get larger.

The prams get larger and sleeker.

The croissants become crispier on the outside and softer in the inside.

So there's two different directions of moisture happening in the croissants.

That's correct.

The pubs develop.

Sort of whimsical taxidermy.

Whimsical taxidermy.

So, yeah, there'll be a lot of badger heads and stuff on the

quizzes, but pub quizzes become increasingly inaccessible.

That's right.

It'll be sort of French New Wave cinema.

There's a bigger and bigger Scandinavian novel section

in the pub quizzes.

That proper, proper Scotch eggs, don't you?

You get these like...

But for me, a proper Scotch egg is like one that tastes slightly of plastic that you buy from Sainsbury's for 40p.

That's a proper Scotch egg.

Yeah.

Where the egg's been boiled in a different country from where the meat was slaughtered.

The breadcrumbs come from somewhere else.

And the whole lot was packaged somewhere else.

And they've had to put meat in inverted commas on the packet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But yeah, you're right.

In those pubs, they'll have kind of artisanal.

Artisanal, like these beautiful, textured, sort of like so many different colours of those russet colours in the breadcrumb.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you bite through the sausage, and then the egg has been has been poached.

It's a poached dove's egg.

It's a poached dove's egg.

Encased in the flesh of freshly hunted stag.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But sometimes they've boiled it to that point, you know, where the

jammy.

Jammy, that's the word that's used.

The slightly jammy yolk.

Anyway, that gentrification, that happens.

And then it's the foxes.

Yeah.

Because you've got more and more organic food waste lying around.

Yeah.

Bigger and bigger gardens.

Everyone stinks of eggs.

Everyone stinks of eggs.

And foxes just swarm in.

And also, everyone's too bloody woke these days to do what you should do when you see a fox, which is shoot it in the head and then run it over.

Isn't it?

That's the kind thing to do, but no one's doing that.

The gentrifying classes are not going to be able to do that.

The gentleman classes will not do that

until the really posh people move in and then there's the horse back.

Then they'll help us back out.

Wreck those foxes.

Then they return it to arable farming and they bring in their sort of surfs back in to actually till the land.

It's a circle of life.

And then there's a circle of life.

But then, with all those foxes being hunted, you get more women's call taxidermy, you start picking it up in the pub.

The gentrifiers come back.

Come back, the whole thing.

So the whole is it's a multifactorial.

It's exhausting.

It's absolutely knackery.

But it's Britain.

yeah, but it is Britain.

So,

so do do stuff a peacock, put a monocle on one of its eyes, yeah, perfect, stick up on the uh, yeah.

So we're not into Tuesday, so we don't know which phase Mark is in.

I haven't been to Tuesday for a number of years, so yeah.

Well, he's in Colley's audio when I was living there, it was gentrifying fast and hard, yeah, and I feel like it's probably gone even further since I left.

Okay, because when I was I left at the moment, they were building a rooftop cocktail bar.

Blimey.

Oh, that's that's such a Peckham is full of those.

That's a yeah, yeah, blimey.

When I first moved there, there were a couple of really good curry houses and a few RA pubs.

And that was about it.

Yes.

Yeah.

I mean,

I hope to God the curry houses are still there because they are absolutely fantastic.

And I hope they haven't tried to

beautify them.

Oh.

An old school curry house.

Jaffna House.

Sweet Jaffna House.

Anyway, this week's topic.

Quite tired now.

Also, we're doing looking at a huge, comfy double bed.

Yeah, that

doesn't help at all.

Because we're in my hotel room.

Also, can I just say, Henry, the refreshing lack of sort of

fecal and body-oda fug in here.

Well done.

Thanks very much.

I was just worried we were going to be in the fog zone.

Do you know why that is?

Why?

You've been using Ben's room.

I've been using your

as I sleep.

As you sleep.

I've been using you as a duvet.

As a kind of billionaire's duvet.

It's a B-day corner.

Yeah.

Because we popped out for breakfast earlier, didn't we?

We did.

and I because I knew it was gonna be a working room today I did ask the

staff if they could do the room.

Did you?

Yeah.

Because I didn't get it done yesterday.

Okay, fair enough.

But I thought today for us,

they've done a nice job of it.

They have.

So a big shout out to we're not going to name the hotel in Leeds.

Okay, this week's topic, as sent in by Mark from Colliers Woods.

Collierswoods.

Colliers Woods.

Near Collierswoods.

Yeah.

It could be Morden.

Ben, am I right?

I think he used to live in Tootsing.

Yes.

Tootsing, which is

next to Collierswood.

It's got a funny, sweet name, hasn't it, too?

Too singing.

I mean, Mike actually lived in Colliers Wood.

We didn't ask him anything.

We didn't ask you anything about Collierswood.

What is a Collier?

A Collier, as in like a coal person.

A coal miner.

A coal miner, right.

So Colliers Wood.

Yeah.

Any fond memories of Collierswood?

It's a bit of a blur, really.

This is early university phases.

Oh, okay.

Do you know what I mean?

So

chaotic times.

Mike was one of those people, I imagine, in those days of sort of drinking games, who could take an entire pint of lager and put it directly into his stomach through his mouth.

Including the glass.

Including the glass.

Just put it in.

One of your oldest friends would suck it out of your ass and then

got a special tie-to-wear and stuff.

And then you'd all set fire to each other's legs.

Yeah, exactly.

And that's what made Britain great.

Anyway, come on.

This week's topic, as sent in by Mark from Near Colliers Wood.

Ever been to Colliers Wood?

It's South West London, isn't it?

Yeah, it's May

from Tuesday.

It might be SW19.

I think it shares a postcode with Wimbledon.

Thank you.

It's this ever-diminishing Southwest

London chat house

every time we return to that well.

Anyway, come on.

This week's topic.

I was sent in by...

Don't say where he's from.

Mark from

near Collier's Wood.

Come on.

There's a Wimpy in Morden.

Is there?

Yeah.

Is that one of those where you still get a knife and fork and a plate?

Oh, yeah, it's good.

That's the only burger joint my late Welsh grandma would take us to because of the cutlery.

Decorous.

Wimpy was in the mix.

There was a point where there was McDonald's, Burger King, Wimpy,

Spudgy-like,

and Paul's Crackers.

So, is that Paul's Crackers or Paul's Crackers?

His name was Paul's crackers and he sold crackers.

Paul's Crackers, hot crackers.

You know what?

I realised the other day.

In fact, it was in Leeds, I think.

I walked past a Burger King and I was like, bloody hell, McDonald's has one

has trounced it.

Because they really, I felt like they were neck and neck at a point when I was growing up, Burger King and McDonald's.

It was which is your favourite?

And that's late in the conversation now.

No, you're right.

Is it not?

No.

We moved on.

I always think about how depressing it must be to work at Burger King head office.

Because you know you're second best and there's no, you're not getting, you're not going to win.

And the irony of the name.

Yes.

You are not the Burger King.

That's the horrible irony.

You are not the Burger King.

It's going to be.

You're the Burger Knave.

You're the Burger Knave.

It's about a rebrand.

Yeah.

All stand for the king.

We're entering the regal zone.

Off with their heads.

On with the show.

Listen not to the knaves and the shopkeepers.

Bring me more advisors.

The Regal Zone.

Maybe it's a sort of burger constitutional monarch.

Maybe there's McDonald's

is the prime minister of burgers.

So Burger King is just a sort of

ceremonial figurehead.

Yeah, it's a good point.

I think this must be the same if you work in Pepsi headquarters as well.

You're just like...

That was ever that fine.

We're doing fine, but we're never actually going to win.

But the thing is, Coca-Cola is so successful that to be the second best to Coca-Cola is still massive.

It's still like this is...

He's still making that.

They're bringing in some dollar ben.

Okay, I hate to break it to you, but they're doing alright.

I know, but Pepsi.

They know that.

They're sitting in their gilded

place going, but we're not the best.

And also, they're called Pepsi Max.

They're not Pepsi Max in a way.

They're not the Max.

It's true that you go into a place and you say, can I have

some Coca-Cola?

And they go, is it okay if you have some Pepsi Max?

They're no one's apologetic.

They'll just say, it is Pepsi.

Yeah.

But you never go to a place.

I've got great news.

We don't have that, but we do have.

You just won the bloody lottery, mate, because we're getting a free upgrade to Pepsi, Max.

Yeah, because it's never, you never say, can I have a pint of Pepsi piece?

Okay, I'm sorry, but do you mind?

Is it okay if it's just Coca-Cola?

That's not ever set up, has it?

Pepsi should change its name to, is Pepsi all right?

Can I have a pint of.

No, no.

Can I have it?

It should be, it should be, it should be rename itself to Pepsi is all right.

Fine.

Thanks, mate.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

It should be called yeah, yeah, whatever.

Can I have a pint of, yeah, yeah, whatever.

It's Pepsi right.

I just said, yeah, yeah, whatever.

I was reading about this the other day.

So in taste tests, people prefer Pepsi.

That's the thing that Pepsi always say.

Okay.

So, and apparently it's true.

If you give people a little sip of drink and you say, which of these two do you prefer?

Pepsi is always the answer.

It's right.

However.

If you make them drink a whole glass of both, they prefer Coca-Cola.

Why is that?

So Pepsi's

nicer for the first sip.

And of course, this was the Pepsi challenge, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, that was the whole thing, right?

You sipped.

Yeah.

So apparently, first sip-wise, Pepsi wins, but for full drink-wise, Coke wins.

So in other words, you marry Coke, but you have an affair with Pepsi.

That's right.

So Pepsi's a bit of fun on the side, sort of thing, but actually for commitment.

Yeah.

Well, well, anyway, this week's topic.

This week's topic.

I sent in.

I'm sent in by Mark from near.

No!

Collier's Wood is

Antarctica.

oh

oh

okay oh so we have discussed the arctic in the past but we've

talked about

on the other end have we no but arctic was the topic name for a topic but we have talked about antarctica right in the past okay because i remember that we came up with a nin yin nym nin yonik for remembering which one's which which has worked for me okay which is antarctica ant

ants carry something so you picture the ant carrying the world so it's the one at the bottom okay i've never forgotten Antarctica and what it's since that because of that.

Yeah.

That's good.

That was sent in by a listener, wasn't it?

Yeah.

But have you been able to remember which one is?

I don't know which one the Arctic is.

I know Antarctica is the one on the bottom.

I need a separate.

Can you remember which one is the penguins, which one is the polar bears?

Oh.

Because again, the clue is in the name for the classically educated.

Antarcticus d'Antarcticar.

Antarcticadus is to go to bear, isn't it?

I thought thought you were trying to summon something then.

Suddenly a penguin would have been.

Summon a memory.

Please explain.

Well, Arctic as in bear.

Does Arctic mean bear?

Yeah.

Hang on, Mike.

How does Arctic mean bear?

Isn't like Arctus or something like that, the word for...

Ursus is bears.

From the Greek, though.

Oh, that's the last word.

Touche, touche.

Touche.

Oh, so what?

Arctic means bear land or something?

I think so.

But how did the Greeks wouldn't have known that there were bears there?

That's the most ridiculous point you've ever made.

And that's by far.

Okay, so now, so the Antarctic, right?

Now, as we've discussed many times on this podcast, opposites are actually quite similar.

Yes.

Aren't they?

Yeah, yeah, because the Arctic and the Antarctic, they're opposites, but they're quite similar.

They're more similar to each other than like the Arctic is to Leeds, for example.

Or Brendan Gleason.

Yes.

Yeah.

So for that reason, I think I'm going to legitimately, I'd like to discuss the Arctic quickly, which is very similar to the Antarctic.

Through the lens of the Antarctic.

Through the lens of the Antarctic, okay.

Because I'm currently reading a book about the Arctic.

I'm just going to grab my Kindle

and discuss it with you.

Hang on, it's on the bed.

So it's a non-fiction book.

So basically,

at night, when I'm in bed,

I like to read about people that are very, very chilly

and are having a very bad time

in a very, very cold context.

Okay.

Because it makes me feel warm and snug and nice in bed.

Right.

So,

and the thing about the Kindle, which is a bit dangerous, is that you can impulse by.

Whereas in the past, you'd have to go, I want to read a book about the Arctic.

I'll write a note to myself, and tomorrow I'll go down and write one.

I'll write one.

Whereas now you can just crack off and buy one in the middle of the.

Yeah, worth a rephrase.

That's worth a rephrase, isn't it?

If I still want to buy it after cracking off,

I'll know that I'm committed to it.

So cracking off period is recommended with this book.

We strongly recommend a crack off.

So anyway, so

yeah, so it was a couple of weeks ago.

It was the middle of the night.

I'd woke up in the middle of the night.

I couldn't go back to sleep.

And I thought, I need to read a book about someone really chilly.

So I've read that book, the TV show The Terror was based on, which I think is called The Terror.

I've read that book about them trying to find the Northeast Passage.

They get incredibly chilly.

They have a terrible time.

It's brilliant for reading in bed.

I've read ones about Everest, exploration.

Oh, have you read that one?

If you haven't read it, it's a good one.

The plane that crashes in

with the Uruguayan rugby team on it.

Well, I've seen the film a lot.

Do you think I have read the book?

The book is really good.

Yeah, the other one I've read is Touching the Void is really good.

Yeah, so anyway,

I'm just into people who are having a terrible, terrible time and really cold environments.

In a cold environment.

So, but I've started to get through these books.

So, for me, the worst possible book is people having a good time in a tropical environment.

The beach romance.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My great fun hot summer nights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For example, by Beryl.

By

Mills and Moon's.

By Beryl.

Mills and Moon's Cypress Sweatfuck series.

Yeah.

The Cypress Sweat Fuck.

I hate all that stuff.

Yeah, you're right.

Yeah, so anything that's hot and sexy inside in a volcano.

For example.

My Ethnostallion.

My Ethnostallion.

My Smoking Hot Affair with Bielzebub.

That sort of thing.

I love Asuvio.

I love a Suvio.

What's this one called?

So it was the middle of the night, and

I searched Arctic, whatever.

And

I'm a Kindle.

So I came up with

Shackleton sort of stuff.

Okay.

So Shackleton, so I hadn't dipped into Shackleton, really.

So Shackleton, what did he do?

You're reading the book about him.

Yeah.

No, no.

It's in one ear and one out and one eye out the other eye with me.

I think Shackleton is the South Pole, and he got stuck and had to go back

and left the ship in the ice, and then somebody went back and then they came back to rescue them.

Is that

right?

Yeah.

But they were.

Was that the one where the Norwegian guy got there first?

That's

Hall of Oates.

That's Hall of Nates.

Yeah, that's Making that dream kind of dream.

No, who was that?

That is.

Amundsen was the

Scott of the Antarctic.

I presume.

Dr.

Livingston.

That was Dr.

Livingston.

That's hot.

I don't like that.

That's the congo.

That's not good for me.

I don't want that at all.

But we should look up who this is.

This is terrible.

He died in a tent.

That's Captain Oates.

That's Oates and...

But that's Scott of the Antarctic.

Amundsen got their first and Scott got their second and died.

Well, did Scott even get there?

Yeah, we don't know.

So he's the Pepsi of

Antarctic explorers.

All I know is

Shackleton, I thought,

Ernie, I'm going to do some Shackleton stuff.

I found a book.

So he's Antarctic again, Ernie.

Yeah.

Yeah, sorry.

So

we are on Antarctic at the moment.

Yeah.

So I put in that.

I think I put into it.

So I was multi-screening.

It was the middle of the night.

I'm multi-screening, trying to help myself go back to sleep.

I'm going onto my phone.

I'm Googling what are the top 10 books that are set in a cold, chilly place.

You're also watching Sex in the City.

Watching Sex in the Season City.

Alaska.

Season Season 4, Alaska Edition.

Ice Road Sex.

Ice Road Sex.

I'm also buying and selling Bitcoin.

So I found this book.

I started reading it.

So in the middle of the night.

It starts.

During the Antarctic summer of 1957-58, a British expedition led by Vivian Fuchs completed the first crossing of Antarctica.

The journey covered 2,158 miles and took 99 days.

The same goals won by Fuchs were sought and lost more than 40 years previously by Ernest Shackleton.

The odds against her crossing the continent in 1914 were staggering.

Shackleton had no airplane, no reliable radio, no radio,

no radar, no snow.

Anyway, I started reading it

and

this weird thing happened where

Ernest Shackleton appeared

in bed next to me.

Sarah Jessica Parker.

And he was like, I'm chilly, but she's hot.

Together we're going to get you just right.

Just right, baby.

And basically, those are two drama graduates who I've hired, and they come around every night now.

And it helps me get off sleep.

Great.

No,

basically, this weird thing happened.

I was about 10 pages in.

So it's the middle of the night.

So we're about 3 a.m.

or something.

And I'm like, 10 pages.

There's something about this that's shit.

I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Yeah,

chapter one, southward, 1,100 miles east of Sailor's Graveyard of Cape Horn in the South Atlantic at the tip of South America, lies the small, mountainous, snow-covered island of South Georgia.

It's called the Gateway to.

There's something I can't put my finger on it.

There's something about this

that's shit.

So I think I know what this might be.

Yeah, there's two options.

Okay,

it's written by Ben Fogel.

And is that true?

Or is he using one of his pen names?

Well, Ben Fogel, who I am allegedly look like, according to someone who lives near me.

Or is it an AI book?

It's an AI book.

Is it?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Is it really?

Yeah.

That wouldn't have even occurred to me.

Because it's very facty-facty, isn't it?

Yeah,

there's no special source in there.

It's just facty-facty-facty.

It's facty-facty, but

there were bits that were kind of okay.

So when the door opened, the frown of concentration left his face and was replaced by a wide, disarming grit.

It's not.

Who are they claiming wrote it?

Well, I'll come to that in a second.

Or are we saying that Ben Fogel is AI?

Well, I think Ben Fogel is essentially at the moment there are two forces that are going to define the next 20 years of human civilization.

On the one hand, it's AI

is BF.

It's BF.

Because I've got the app now, and you can ask Ben Fogel any question, and I'll come up with a kind of okay answer.

It's not always bad.

No, it's workable.

Yeah, yeah.

Depends what he's doing.

It might take three or four hours to get back to

the kids or whatever.

He's got kids.

He's quite busy.

But I've invested a lot in BF, so don't forget the words.

So, how quickly did you realise something was up?

It was really odd because it's because there are sentences like that which are kind of okay.

Charts were unrolled, and the talk began.

The calloused forefinger of a Norwegian whaler pointed towards the South Sandwich Island group.

The man spoke quickly in Norwegian.

Saul translated.

The words brought a frown to Shackleton's face.

It's not terrible.

It's kind of like it's got these moments that have some texture to them, like that.

But just, I tell you what happened was.

Have they just been nicked off someone else's book, basically?

I think that's how Fogel works.

If you ask Fogel to write you a book about the Antarctic,

he'll read a thousand similar books.

And probably one book that's got nothing to do with it by mistake

will end up in the mix.

And again, you've got to factor in he does have young children, so he's in his school pickups.

There will be a recipe for macaroni cheese in there.

so and the script from k-pot demon hunters

um

but then

but i tell you what it was it it started to dawn on me like maybe maybe 15 to 20 pages in it doesn't have an angle that was the thing there's no angle on this it's it like so it's fine and it's okay but the problem with the book just was so weird it was just this lack of angle It just didn't have a kind of a sentient viewpoint on it

on the story.

It was just the facts.

It was just the facts.

And even that starts to peter out, does it, after a bit?

What do they do?

They just sort of tag a Ruth Randall on the end to pad it out.

Stick some recipes in the middle.

No, I assume it continues and completes what it...

what it's intending to do.

But, you know, weirdly, it's oddly a bit like what we were talking about earlier with like McDonald's Burger King, or like Coca-Cola, Pepsi, and there'll be things on Panda Cola.

Oh, this doesn't need to be.

It doesn't need to be.

Yeah, there are good things.

We can make this cheaply.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it can just be what it is.

Someone is writing really good books about Arctic and Antarctic explorers.

Yes.

We can read it.

We like it.

Someone wants to read those books.

They'll have read all the good ones.

Yeah.

And also, there'll be some tosser in the middle of the night.

Exactly.

Who just randomly

just enough tossers in the middle of the night to make this financially viable?

But because, as you say, it has cost them probably zero to do this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're straight into profit.

So even if you know one's organising a book tour for this, are they?

No.

Or printing hard copies.

But what's really terrifying about this, sorry to sound like

let's be serious about this.

But this is going to happen with podcasts, apparently.

I was reading a thing about this where in the next year or so, if you look for a podcast about something, you'll have to wade through 99,000 podcasts that have been made by AI before you find one that's made by a real person.

Yeah.

Which will be a massive actual problem that will have to be dealt with.

So like

Football Weekly with Garu Liniki.

And you're like, where's Linikan?

And then Garoon Linikon.

There'd be 10,000 of them you have to wade through.

You're like, fuck it, I'm just going to go with Garan Lenakan.

Actually, you know what?

And Ulan Shoro.

Which is how Roy Stewart actually says Alan Shira.

But in a way, that's what happened with me.

In the middle of the night, I wanted a book about Shackleton or Arctic Exploring, and I googled it.

And the first thing, you know, I would have had to wade through to get to the real one.

You didn't have four hours to spend working out whether this was a bona fide writer.

By the way, I'm heavily aware of the fact that

I could just be really slamming an actual author.

You haven't checked this out?

Well,

no, I haven't checked it out.

But I'm convinced it's AI, but I might not be, in which case it's a huge slam on this boat.

But maybe we can try and research it and work it out now.

So I...

so it's called book title and author anonymized.

I think there's any evidence of it as a real book.

See what you think.

That's that, yeah, that's the book.

Okay, what's it saying?

We're on Amazon here looking at it.

Henry, yeah, he might be a real it was published, published in 2015, kind of before AI was a thing.

Oh, God!

He's a no, he's a real historian, he's a real man.

Are you sure?

So anyways, in the middle of the night, I became convinced this book was AI, so I bought another one about Shackleton called something else similar by a guy called Frank Wordsley.

He was on the expedition.

So I thought it's got to be legit.

But then I'd sort of started second guessing myself thinking, he was on the expedition, but I mean,

how do I know he was paying attention that much?

Suddenly it got really in my head about the authenticity of

the dick.

Would you be paying attention?

silly?

I mean, I might have been on that expedition before.

It's hard for me to know what expeditions I've been on or not being on because I don't keep records.

No, but I generally start to think, oh, hang on.

Various people on this expedition, various people wrote books about it.

How do I know which is the best one?

You need to get stuck at Googling which is the best.

Not everyone's going to have an interesting take on it.

No, no, some of them will be cynically thinking, I was on this expedition.

Someone might be really good at like dead reckoning

navigation, but not necessarily very good at the same skill set.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or, you know, sweet talking a polar bear, dark.

That's the person you want.

Yeah.

That might be the one you want.

But I'm directing them back to the other side.

But I was reading his writing and I was like, hang on,

is he a good writer?

He was on the expedition.

I mean, the other book, that guy doesn't even exist.

Possibly.

Possibly.

If he does, apologies to him and his very real family.

Whereas this guy, I thought, he's on the expedition, but is he a good writer?

And I was reading it.

I was actually going, I think at one point he went something like, it was so noisy outside the boat, it was like a huge train was going past.

I thought, hang on a minute, this guy's like, he was there, but he's not a good writer.

Whereas the other guy doesn't exist, maybe.

But is that a fair?

Because that might have been the first time anyone's described something like that.

Trains aren't that old at that point.

Do you know what I mean?

It might have been quite a novel way of...

That's true.

People might have been reading that, oh,

interesting idea.

A train.

Wow, that's really brought it to life.

I suppose I've heard they are noisy.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Anyway, so it was, I've been on a train, so

it was making it less exciting, the whole thing.

Whereas actually at the time, trains would have been quite exciting.

Yeah, it shows that you know not all metaphors age that well.

Well, exactly.

Well, as you might write, it sounded like there was maybe a drone had gone past.

Sounded like a, yeah, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, sounded like the whir of a bubble tea machine.

Maybe we need to actually go back and update the metaphors on old writing.

Yeah, yeah.

My love is like a red-red power button on a

on the side of a Corby trouser press.

Like we're updating the metaphors.

Would it call me Transpress by any other name?

Smells sweet.

So I gave up on that one as well.

Okay.

How much money are you deep into this?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it was weird on because they're all like 90p or something.

But I think the one that I thought was AI was like seven quid.

And then the legitimate one I thought was 79p or something.

Anyway, so I then thought, you know what?

Sword this.

I'm going to go to the other side of the globe altogether.

I'm going to look for an art, I'm going to clean slate.

I'm going to look for an Arctic expedition.

So I then found this book called In the Kingdom of Ice.

Sounds good.

Yeah.

The Frozen Novelization.

With prose versions of all the songs.

It's called In the Kingdom of Ice by Hampton Sides.

How are he spelling Sides?

I can't.

I can't read the name of the surname of the author because it's under a bar showing me what percentage of the way through the book I am.

So he's currently called Hamilton 28%.

It's a great pen name.

It's a great name.

And it's something like the subtitle is loads of people having a really, really hard time with it in a very cold environment.

Effectively.

Can you read that from the...

I can't read that.

So, in the kingdom of ice, the grand and terrible polar voyage of the USS Jeanette.

Yes.

So, um,

okay.

So, this one, so this by this point, it's like, you know, like quarter past four.

I've been struggling with huge concepts about the future of technology and writing and stuff.

And I just want to read a book about some cold people and go to sleep.

So, finally, I download this one.

And so, this is about a doomed Arctic, you know, it's perfect.

Perfect.

And I start reading it,

and it's like

historical context of the time.

The guy who funded the mission.

And I'm not joking.

At one point, I went to the next chapter and it started.

But what about the person who funded the mission's father?

I'm 28% through this book, and no one is cold.

Still, no one is cold.

I haven't slept a wink.

It's so factual.

It's just like, do you ever...

So this is something I'm only dipping into recently, I think.

I think it's a classic middle-aged thing, which is

I've got less and less truck with fiction.

I just want cold, hard facts.

Well, literally, cold.

I want hard facts.

More and more, I'm drawn to the

non-fiction these days, but I'm massively loving the trend for people writing that really well and in an exciting way.

Like, what kind of things is that?

Like that Killing Thatcher book that Ellis

put me on to.

Yeah, yeah.

And

as in Ellis and John.

Yep.

Yep.

Listen in, guys.

And

I recently read that Ben McIntyre one about Oli Gordievsky.

That again was written by a kind of thriller.

Who's that?

Who's this

KGB agent and British spy, Cold War?

So it's a fascinating story, anyway.

It's cold, so you've got me.

I mean, I'm interested.

Keep talking.

It's just so well written, and it just happens to be a real-life story that plays out with genuine drama.

Yeah, yeah.

And the way he's written it is

a proper page turner.

Oh, yeah.

That's good.

Have you read In Cold Blood by Truman Capote?

No.

I think, I might be wrong, but I think that's the first one of those basically

things.

But I think it's incredibly hard work and really, really boring no it's fantastic is it have you read it yeah it's a real page turner oh is it okay yeah and I think he was the first guy to go oh and cold blood indeed it's the perfect thing for you

I think it's in Oklahoma or somewhere so it's actually quite hard

yeah and similarly that Northern Ireland thing that you you recommended the series

yeah which I haven't seen but I've read the book of it it's brilliant yeah yeah I think you're right though I'm similar I've not read a novel for quite a while I don't like it because I but yeah it's something about fact I'm being drawn to drawn to fact but there is a kind of there's there a kind of there is a kind of middle-aged dad vibe to Hampton 28% yes I think any navel sort of book is going to be yeah you're right it's naval fact but he's he's done so much research like it's too it's too many facts you don't need this much research right like there are huge lists so I'm struggling I'm struggling through it but no one's but I've also got this thing I'm not skip ahead I should but I've got that thing I don't want to skip I want to feel that I've

but he's getting so much maybe you just think maybe you need to go chili not chili fiction I like an I'm still reading novels but I although I'm not testing myself with novels.

Yeah, no, yeah, I don't know.

Maybe you just need a chili

Dr.

Givago?

Lots of novels are set in chili places because

it's a nice.

It just makes everything a bit harder.

It's another day of Jeopardy, right?

Same reason lots of the ends of the novels have happened in storms.

You know, you've got...

People like wind windswept stories.

Well, on the topic of that,

are we going to go to the Moors this afternoon?

No.

We might go to the Armories Museum.

Oh, we're going to go to the Armouries Museum.

I want to get onto those Yorkshire Moors

and feel the wind going through my follicles?

Well, we've got a drive to Manchester tomorrow.

I could take you to the Peak District.

Yeah, we can stop off on the way.

Top end of the north end of the Peak District.

Because maybe really, I need to be reading the Brontes.

Yeah.

Heath Cliff.

In fact, you know what?

Wuthering Heights.

Weirdly, I think

this is how I remember most stuff is to do with the chilliness.

The Wuthering Heights is quite.

Because Wathering Heights is chilly.

And also, I remember there's a description in it of how thick the walls of the cottage are.

And that, to me, that's what I'm into.

Cold outside, thick walls.

Yeah, really dark, gloomy, people surrounded by bogs.

There's no other houses for 12 miles.

And then being all cozy and okay inside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hit up the Ronte's.

Okay.

And dear, sweet listeners.

If you have any hot recommendations for Henry for chili books.

Yeah, chili books.

Fix us.

Any hot chili takes.

Hot chili takes.

For Henry's book club.

Yeah.

That'll be good.

Time to read your emails.

You bet.

When you send an email

You must give thanks

to the postmasters that came before

Good morning postmaster anything for me just some old shit

when you send an email

This represents progress

like a robot shoeing a horse

My beautiful horse.

This is from Owen

on the topic of Ben's film festival rejection.

Okay.

Dear Beans, listening to the latest podcast while driving home from work in Cambridge to my provincial dad house in the suburbs,

I was chuckling along when the podcast was interrupted by the news that Ben's short film had been rejected by a film festival.

Normally, this wouldn't be noteworthy, except I was was driving home from my job at the Cambridge Film Festival.

Oh, good heavens.

Oh, no.

Was that the very festival?

Yes, and I knew that only a couple of days earlier, we had sent out our rejection emails to submitting filmmakers.

It couldn't be, could it?

It was nagging away at me until I got home, as although programming is not my job, brackets, I do marketing, I had actually drafted the rejection email, so I felt terrible that I may have been involved in rejecting a beam.

Oh, Owen.

On arriving.

So, what's wrong with a bit of old-fashioned corruption every now and then?

Surely he could have come.

I'm hoping that's where this email goes.

Okay, okay, yeah.

On arriving home, I fired up the laptop to check, and sure enough, Mr.

Partridge had indeed submitted his film to our festival and had sadly not been selected.

As a listener, I would never have knowingly let this happen.

And had I known Ben's film had been submitted, I would have used my propensity for corruption.

You could have put your money where your mouth is corruption-wise, though, isn't it?

This is too little, too late, Owen.

I mean, the fact that your heart was in the right place and you were up for some corruption,

I mean,

it's not helping us, is is it?

You're never going to make it big in the film festival marketing world if you can't press that corruption button.

Was it a nice rejection email?

Well, how is it worded?

Good question.

Because, you know, obviously, we've all received different rejection emails and letters in our lives.

It's part of our life.

I had one today.

Yeah.

I'm just not interested in going on a cruise with you, Ben.

Okay.

But um

but so because it's a it's a we it's a technique, isn't it?

That you learn to scan

you don't you don't read to read the beginning.

You don't read from the beginning.

If you go to the mid the middle word nobody's like physically the middle.

What's the middle word on the page?

Okay, the middle word is challenging.

So you're

screwed.

Yeah, there's no way.

So this is the way you've got the word.

That I guess was written by Owen.

Dear Benjamin, we hope this message finds you well.

Bad style.

Why are you paying for time?

What are you...

Jess.

get it up.

Say it.

First and foremost, we want to express our sincere gratitude to you

for submitting Daddy Superior to the Cambridge Film Festival.

It's shot across the bowels after shot across the bows, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's pretty obvious what's going on.

Because it would be mad for it to then say, and also.

You've been accepted.

You've been accepted.

But we're so excited to thank you first, ask you how you are, thank you, and then accept you.

We truly enjoyed the opportunity to watch your work and appreciate the effort, creativity, and passion.

Just kill me.

Just you've got the dagger in my neck.

Just

punch it through.

Okay, here it comes in.

Unfortunately, it has not been selected for our programme this year.

See,

I take issue with that as well.

What, unfortunately?

No, I understand Owen, if Owen was indeed the author of this, but I think writing it either in the passive or giving the verb to the film.

Unfortunately, it has not been selected.

It is

we have not selected it.

Yes.

Do you know what I mean?

But that, yeah, yeah, good point.

Just tie your colours to your mast.

Dear Ben, we didn't choose it.

SOS.

Don't even say SOS.

Better luck next time.

You know.

Dear worm, no.

Laughing emoji.

Tad emoji.

Rat emoji.

Puking up emoji.

Tad emoji.

The one that's been adapted to not be smiling.

Crying turd emoji.

Office full of co-workers sharing shit film and laughing at it emoji.

Yeah, yeah,

the what was he thinking emoji?

Yeah, the bonfire of his savings emoji.

And the rarely used one, which is Dead Santa, who's died by falling onto his own sleigh.

I was going to say the thing that Mike said about, this probably might not be appropriate, but the thing Mike said about

the way

making the verb passive that reminds me of

Peter Mandelson's statement he made about

I've said it and I've said it again.

I deeply regret being introduced to Jeffrey Epstein.

I've always regretted being introduced.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's going to be something that he didn't say that he just was a party to.

Yeah, good point.

Anyway, actually, to be fair, I think this email is perfectly professional and fine.

And I like this sentence though.

Please know that no decision is made lightly.

So we really, really, we really don't want this.

We really, really don't want this.

We thought about it how we really wanted to.

It was unanimous.

We had a bit some consolation from that.

Yeah.

Because actually, the nicer way to think, the nicer thing to hear would be...

We really had to make the decision really quick.

We've half-assed.

Half of us weren't concentrating.

Deborah wasn't in.

She's the only only one who really knows what she's doing.

Actually, what would be the perfect...

I think the perfect rejection email would be,

dear, dear, dear Benjamin, it's all politics.

You never stood a bloody chance because the system's rigged against you.

The fact is, it's too original for these times where everything has to be focus groups and decisions are made by executives who are completely out of touch with the country anyway.

Yeah.

It should be that sort of thing.

You're too good for these times.

So we couldn't give you the award.

I feel good about this now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dear Ben, true genius is never recognized in its own time or its own town.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thanks, Owen.

And our current estimate is this film will be successful two to three hundred years after your death.

So perhaps think about freezing yourself.

Imagine if you froze yourself for 200 years, woke up.

Somebody's into a film festival.

Yeah.

Got rejected.

Owen's also frozen himself.

It's in the wrong aspect ratio.

Also, everyone's just like floating jellyfish people now.

We don't really watch films.

All they watch is film adaptations of the book.

Book, title, and author anonymized.

It's time

to play the ferryman.

Patreon.

Patreon.

Patreon.com

forward slash three bean salad.

Thanks for having me.

Signed up on our Patreon.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Patreon.com forward slash three bean salad.

There are various tiers you can sign up up for.

You can get bonus episodes.

You can get video episodes.

We do episodes when we're not putting out normal episodes during the month.

We're off.

And if you sign up at the Sean Bean tier, you get a shout-out from Mike from the Sean Bean Lounge.

And we were actually all there last night because obviously we're all on tour.

Yeah.

So Mike brought the mobile bean lounge with him.

And he did.

Yeah.

Because it follows Mike around.

And it was a big one, wasn't it?

Well,

it was all hands on deck.

Well, it was hard work, wasn't it?

Because we were making the mobile Sean Bean Lounge completely seaworthy.

That is right.

That's correct.

Yes.

Which is a lot harder than it sounded.

And here's my report.

For a game of emergency equipment or cake to take place in the officer's mess that evening, alongside alongside a cheesecake defibrillator made by M.

Bopp and a Battenberg flare by Jess Reed and Molly Reese.

It therefore fell to Kate Ostler to gather up the stricken men with the bowsprit harpoon, but that unfortunately had been adapted by Jen Jones and Dean One Trip Elliott to fire a choice of hot custard or clotted cream.

Chris Nevin and Jimmy Jones went to alert the Coast Guard, but the wrong sort of radio had been acquired by Lauren Dee and Roger Prunchkin's Four Rabbits.

It was unable to send messages and could only receive prof Jamie Tutor's bootleg version of Magic FM.

Sarah Blake took the initiative and shouted from the forecastle for anyone within earshot with a connection to the Coast Guard to declare themselves.

An elderly woman at a Pelican Crossing, who looked like but probably wasn't but might have been Paul Danger in disguise, claimed to have a niece in the RNLI and was given a message tattooed into Raz Rasmussen to pass on.

While that was happening, Kate Telegram and Andy Newton constructed bilge pumps and Darren Dox and Amy R constructed bilge to pump through them so they didn't seize up.

Charles Taylor and Count Fosco had a more basic concern, namely the waterproofing of the hull slash floor and set about treating the underside of the mobile lounge to a thick layer of thatch.

That done, Amanda Cutluck and David Button devised a series of tests to examine the lounge's seaworthiness in Extremis.

These included Laura Bell, Andrew Worley, Kath Myhill and J.

Biz Brady positioning themselves on the roof of Leeds Corn Exchange and raining down cannon fire, Dan Goodwin, Johnny Chant, Lethal Badger and Holly Davis redirecting the wave machine and hair dryers at Barnsley's Calypso Cove Waterpark, aiming it at the lounge and setting them to tempest, and Toby Feewee, Mark Stone, and Alexander Dunford dressing up as a giant squid and trying to shove the mobile lounge into a bollard.

The mobile lounge came out on top every time.

Even when it was turtled by W.

Biggler, Crown of Teabags, Helen Duncan and Mark Bowler, and the exposed hull was used by Matt Taylor, Wes Potts and Anna McBride for a raucous school reunion ball.

Chris Moses, Johnny Quinn, Oliver Sanders and Tom Beattie were volunteered by Lauren Davidson to be fenders.

Chris Morris not that one made an anchor out of three microwaves taped together, and Sarah B.

Roth and Toy Light made sales from the trousers of men from Leeds that seemed trustworthy on the surface but who had let themselves down.

Then Charlotte Browning in the Mobile Lounge's crow's nest hollered that the contents of an email was being conveyed via via semaphore from the balcony of Yorkshire's only surviving internet cafe.

Catherine Voluntein translated and transcribed and relayed that the RNLI and Coast Guard said they were unable to attempt a rescue for the overboard loungers as Leeds was, for the time being, landlocked.

Dawn Turner altered the manifest to make it look like the stricken were never on board in the first place.

Cat Piccolilly declared the ship officially seaworthy and partially fit for consumption.

Danielle Green staged a mutiny and took command.

And Arian Lyra swung a bottle of knockoff champagne into the mobile lounge, causing it to dissolve.

Thanks all.

Alright, so let's finish off with with a version of our theme tune sent in by one of you.

Yes, please.

This is from Eevee.

I have listened to your podcast since I was nine or ten.

Crumbs.

I am twelve now.

Wow.

And I thought it was time to make a cover of one of your jingles.

I have made the introduction jingle on my cello.

Oh, wow.

I've played the cello since I was seven.

Brackets, I am grade six.

Blimey.

Good.

That beats me at flute by two grades.

But at the age of 12, I mean, that is no mean feat.

Yeah, that's right.

Evie.

I love the cello as well.

uh and i thought it would work well with your theme tune i'm actually writing this on the bus home right now with my cello bow next to me not my actual cello weirdly only my bow it's a long story well thank you evie thank you evie yeah and thank everyone for listening yes goodbye cheerio