Get Free from Perfectionism | Live on Tour

Transcript

Speaker 1 One thing I love about our listeners is how industrious all of you are. The stories we hear about you guys going off on your own and starting your own ventures like we did, it's truly inspiring.

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Speaker 2 Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things.

Speaker 2 Today, we are

Speaker 2 giving you the finale of our series of live episodes from the road from our We Can Do Hard Things tour.

Speaker 2 We hope you've enjoyed this little glimpse into the joy and connection we felt being together with you for our 10 City book tour.

Speaker 2 Being in those rooms with you all during this particular American moment moved me in ways that I am still processing and that are still

Speaker 2 swirling inside of us as we decide what's next.

Speaker 2 In today's episode, we sat in those rooms and had huge thousands of people in these family meetings. That's what we did.
city by city across the country.

Speaker 2 In today's episode, during these family meetings, we talked about how to stop hurting or not stop hurting when life just won't let up.

Speaker 2 Perfectionism and the messy magic of just freaking making it all up as we go along. We're ending this one in Minneapolis.
It was Abby and my wedding anniversary.

Speaker 2 I knew that because my dad texted me that morning to remind me.

Speaker 2 So, and then I googled it to verify it.

Speaker 2 It was true.

Speaker 2 Abby surprised me by asking me to renew our vows on stage in front of thousands of people, knowing how much I

Speaker 6 love

Speaker 2 big public displays of affection.

Speaker 2 Anyway, you'll just have to listen to see how that freaking went. But I was there supported by you, the Minneapolis pod squad, and I am told we made it through together.
I'm not sure I dissociated.

Speaker 2 We hope you enjoy it.

Speaker 7 Awkward.

Speaker 11 Okay, so this is the part of the event that we take it to the people. Yes!

Speaker 14 So we want to know if you all have things that you would like to see.

Speaker 11 Can you bring up the house lights just a touch?

Speaker 11 So you can see each other a little bit. Can we walk out to the aisle and then ask the question from there?

Speaker 17 Hi, guys. Hi!

Speaker 19 Well, I love you all so much, obviously.

Speaker 22 Me and my wife are actively right now trying to have a baby.

Speaker 13 Congratulations, John.

Speaker 11 You guys, how great am I coming out?

Speaker 22 I came out right when I found your guys' podcast, so thank you.

Speaker 3 My question is,

Speaker 19 what is one piece of advice you would give us for us to give our child?

Speaker 27 In parenting your child or in what you want your child to know?

Speaker 28 Whatever you want.

Speaker 8 Oh, I like her.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Do you have anything?

Speaker 15 I don't know if you want like what we would want our child to know.

Speaker 13 Okay.

Speaker 11 If somebody were to tell me this before I became an instant mom,

Speaker 11 boom, you have three children.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 29 I was like, I'm going to do this. I got this.

Speaker 29 I got gold medals. Like, this is.

Speaker 11 This is fine.

Speaker 11 This is the only true thing I really know about parenting. Nobody knows what they're doing.

Speaker 11 You're going to make it up for you. And you're going to find things that work.
You're going to find things that don't work.

Speaker 30 You're going to have the baby.

Speaker 11 The baby is going to change ages within a day.

Speaker 3 That's crazy.

Speaker 11 And the baby's going to hate the thing that they loved yesterday.

Speaker 22 And it's just like making it up as you go along.

Speaker 11 That's it. That's parenting in a nutshell.

Speaker 32 You're welcome.

Speaker 3 You got anything?

Speaker 33 I got some things.

Speaker 33 I think you should expect

Speaker 36 your child to

Speaker 9 absolutely break you.

Speaker 14 The end. But go with God.

Speaker 36 But like, break you

Speaker 27 in

Speaker 37 the way that is most painful for you because it is the way you need to be broken.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 38 My son totally changed me because I'm like, type B, this is what we're going to do, the thing, be super respectful and get the good grades.

Speaker 29 And

Speaker 40 no, we weren't.

Speaker 40 We were not going to do that, not one time.

Speaker 26 And I think that had my children been reversed,

Speaker 12 had my daughter been first,

Speaker 37 I would still be playing the game.

Speaker 29 Like, I would be like,

Speaker 27 there's a way to do this, and people act a certain way, and bad kids are over here.

Speaker 40 You know, like you're lakey.

Speaker 37 If you can play the game, it's tempting to play.

Speaker 37 What I needed to learn is that the game is bullshit.

Speaker 35 And

Speaker 41 so what I'm saying is that was real hard for me.

Speaker 27 And I, now that I look in the past and look at it, I'm like, thank you. Like, he was the only one that could have done it to me because I love him so much, even though he is so difficult.

Speaker 34 And

Speaker 34 but I had to surrender that and now I'm like, oh my god, you're so great. You're insane.
And I love you.

Speaker 15 And I can see you.

Speaker 37 I can see you for who you are and I can love you in a way that is utterly detached from all these things that I thought one did to be loved.

Speaker 13 Yes.

Speaker 11 Good luck. Yes, right here in this front row.
Yep.

Speaker 16 Oh, thank you guys.

Speaker 16 Okay, so my question hearkens a lot to Amanda's holding things up and putting them down, which makes sense because I identify as an Amanda, like sun and Abby, kind of moon and fun and rising.

Speaker 11 Like, if you're like,

Speaker 39 please, okay.

Speaker 39 Oh, love you so much.

Speaker 3 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 3 A sun and moon and rising.

Speaker 20 No, but I'm so serious.

Speaker 14 I'm so serious.

Speaker 29 I have a whole chart and everything.

Speaker 16 But anyway, so I like to think I'm like a recovering perfectionist, right?

Speaker 16 And going to the why thing as well and not being stuck in the why, what I have been going through for the last couple of years in therapy is needing to know what made me such a perfectionist.

Speaker 16 And what was very abundantly clear right away was that it's not a product of my highly evolved parents who are amazing and were always like, just do your best, do your best.

Speaker 16 You go through all these things and

Speaker 16 I still don't know. And so I'm trying to let go of the why do I want to hold things up? So I'm not even close to the put the things down.
I'm like, why do I want to hold them up so badly?

Speaker 16 So if you have any insights on on getting even to the why am I looking upward, that would be so magnificent.

Speaker 7 Love you all.

Speaker 34 Well, good job to your mom. Good job, mom.
Good job, mama.

Speaker 30 So first,

Speaker 45 what I would say is the first step is

Speaker 10 not shaming yourself for that at all.

Speaker 41 Not saying why in a way of like,

Speaker 23 why do you do that

Speaker 23 perfect part, you know,

Speaker 40 in a way because

Speaker 10 what we've all been exploring so much in internal family systems therapy is that like,

Speaker 35 yeah, IFS to the rescue

Speaker 10 is that every single part of ourselves is

Speaker 10 working for us.

Speaker 42 Like it has its job and it thinks it is working the way that we need it to work.

Speaker 30 Like it's in there just hustling so hard and

Speaker 27 it doesn't know that we, where we are now, don't still need that, right?

Speaker 10 So I don't think it's like anyone's fault.

Speaker 41 Sometimes it's someone's fault.

Speaker 24 In your case, clearly not.

Speaker 43 She's lovely.

Speaker 15 But I mean, it's more like a curiosity, which clearly you have, but like, for me at least, it was like

Speaker 12 my perfectionist part, for example, was

Speaker 15 everything will go to shit

Speaker 42 if I don't

Speaker 42 stay hyper-vigilant and try to look out for things that could be bad.

Speaker 42 My family, the business, whatever.

Speaker 10 Like, feeling like if I put something down,

Speaker 10 I was letting everyone down. Yeah.

Speaker 40 Right?

Speaker 41 And also feeling like that part that really at the end of the day, that piece was trying to

Speaker 42 show that I was worthy of

Speaker 10 being here

Speaker 42 in whatever place I was, you know?

Speaker 10 And so I think it's different for every person, but I think like it's so cheesy and I'm like the worst therapist person because every time my therapist is like, go to your part and talk to it, I'm like,

Speaker 13 how where

Speaker 49 right but

Speaker 37 like if you actually like get curious everything is logical like it's not illogical that you have a perfectionist part it's what is it doing what was it working toward

Speaker 37 what kind of update does it need that like you actually don't need to hustle to be perfect anymore Like it needs an update.

Speaker 10 So I don't know. I just assume best intentions about everything that your crazy little self is doing, and then just get curious about it and see if you still need it doing that other thing.

Speaker 10 Because you want to know what's my perfectionist part is doing right now?

Speaker 10 Okay, this is so embarrassing, but my perfectionist, I realized, was a protector.

Speaker 12 Like, it wasn't trying to be perfect, it was trying to protect me from what would happen if I wasn't perfect.

Speaker 38 And so, what I am doing now is actually like

Speaker 43 when it comes up, because even with the new thing I'm trying, with the whole like, let the world unfold bullshit, which we're trying, we're still trying it.

Speaker 41 It's still like my anxiety is like, hey, girl, you sure?

Speaker 14 And I'm like, I see you, but we're not hanging out anymore.

Speaker 34 Yes.

Speaker 15 And I have to like consciously be like,

Speaker 41 and then we, and then I say, like, okay, here, like, we're actually okay.

Speaker 38 Yeah. I see you.
I know you're working to protect me. I know you think that's what we need, but actually we don't.

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Speaker 11 Okay, we're gonna go to the top row. Anybody have a question? Yeah, right there when you're going like this, stand up and move yourself to the center in the middle.
Yes, that was efficient.

Speaker 11 Okay, go ahead and ask your question.

Speaker 51 Hi, my name is Jen, and I just want to throw out a couple of things. One, you know, the universe really, I think, puts us in situations that presents us opportunities to be able to grow.

Speaker 51 And myself, I'm in this really icky phase of life with a lot of stuff going on, right? Working on my shadow work.

Speaker 28 My therapist is great.

Speaker 49 I would love to know your perspective on when you get feedback, right?

Speaker 51 Or somebody gives you an opinion and you're like,

Speaker 19 I can decide really how I want to interact with them.

Speaker 51 But here's the kicker.

Speaker 49 Nobody gives you the space

Speaker 49 to grow based on that feedback.

Speaker 51 So particularly like Lennon, you're an activist, you all are, like when we're asking for change, change, including for ourselves, how do we as cheetahs, how do we stay resilient to that constant asking for you to change who you are, how you interact with people, but get zero space?

Speaker 13 Good question.

Speaker 32 Happy unpacking.

Speaker 11 Yeah, good luck, babe.

Speaker 14 I mean, I can only tell you like my most recent experience with this because it changes for me every year.

Speaker 14 I think that I just realized, I think I spent so much time

Speaker 14 trying to be or appear to be or convince people that I was a good person.

Speaker 14 Like, that is, I was doing that all the time. Like, when...
anyone was mad at me or when anyone was criticizing me or when anyone was saying all the things, which people do say a lot of things to me,

Speaker 14 I was constantly

Speaker 14 wondering if they were right secretly, that I was not a good person, or that I was, that's always what I heard in the criticism, right?

Speaker 52 Or

Speaker 14 trying to argue back and show all the reasons that I was a good person.

Speaker 14 I finally realized that doesn't matter.

Speaker 14 I was in a situation recently where there was so many people mad at me and and so many people yelling at me about whether I was doing anything right or giving me lots of feedback.

Speaker 14 And I realized, oh my God,

Speaker 14 why would I spend one,

Speaker 33 I don't even know if I'm a good person. Like, who cares?

Speaker 26 There's so much shit to get done.

Speaker 14 Why would I spend one minute arguing with you about whether I'm a good person?

Speaker 14 Why don't I just go do something good and keep doing good things and keep showing up for people who have, they don't give a shit.

Speaker 14 These people being rounded up by ICE, all the people in this country who are absolutely have so much less power and privilege than we do right now, they do not care whether we are a good or bad person.

Speaker 14 They just need to show up at us to show up and do the right thing.

Speaker 24 So

Speaker 14 I think it's almost like

Speaker 14 a touch of futility and narcissism to even care anymore.

Speaker 14 It doesn't matter whether

Speaker 14 you like me or not. I think what matters is that I can sleep at night.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 14 I mean, because honestly, half the time people say shit to me, I'm like, yeah, you're right.

Speaker 33 That's dumb of me.

Speaker 14 Half the time they're right. Half the time they're wrong.
Half the time it has nothing to do with us.

Speaker 14 Half the time somebody says something to you about you, we don't see the people as they are. We see people as we are.
So, most of the things that people are saying to you are about them.

Speaker 14 And then, also, there are these beautiful moments where somebody says something to us that we're like, Yeah, I'll take that. That's right.

Speaker 14 That one's right.

Speaker 26 It's like 20%

Speaker 14 of the time.

Speaker 14 I think the most important feedback is the feedback you give yourself at the end of the day when you look in the mirror.

Speaker 11 We'll go down here.

Speaker 7 Hello.

Speaker 22 My name is Sophia.

Speaker 50 I'm just so excited to be here.

Speaker 37 So excited to be in front of you three.

Speaker 50 I was going to ask a question that was very similar to what Above Meet asked.

Speaker 22 But what I want to adjust it a little bit, which is that I'm actively in a

Speaker 50 disagreement with my sister, who I adore.

Speaker 50 She's my older sister. She has two kids.
I was going to go visit her in two weeks, and now I'm not.

Speaker 7 Oh, that's hard.

Speaker 50 And it happened because I asked for a little accommodation based off my history of being a people pleaser, codependent person who is trying not to self-abandon.

Speaker 1 Trying not to allow. Self-abandon.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 22 And

Speaker 50 what happened was that I was told that I was a little bit too much and I was making things like complicated for people.

Speaker 50 And so I agree with you, Glennon, when it is someone who is not

Speaker 50 so meaningful and has such a long history of

Speaker 50 love and warmth.

Speaker 22 So I don't know what to do then

Speaker 50 when I'm trying not to self-abandon and I don't want to lose this relationship. And so wondering if you can talk about how you do that when you care about the person.

Speaker 14 That's different. Yours is different.

Speaker 14 Family is different. You know, Prom Das used to always say, you think you're enlightened, go home and spend a week with your family.

Speaker 14 What do you think about that? I mean, sisterhood is hard. It is the most beautiful thing in the world, and it is very hard because,

Speaker 14 you know, we're all walking around here trying not to deal with our core wounds.

Speaker 14 Like, our core wounds, the stuff that happened to us in our family of origin, whether there was a lot of love there or not, like, no matter what,

Speaker 14 we have wounds there. And the beauty of much of siblinghood

Speaker 42 is that

Speaker 14 with each other,

Speaker 14 those core wounds come right to the top every time. So every interaction is not even about the thing, ever.
It's like 50 leagues beneath the sea, right?

Speaker 14 What do you want to say to her about sisterhood? That's a hard one, man.

Speaker 8 I mean, I think

Speaker 39 you deserve to sit down.

Speaker 24 That was stressful.

Speaker 43 I have a lot to say about it, but I think you can't,

Speaker 38 nor should you, save her

Speaker 40 from

Speaker 24 the impact of your existence on her.

Speaker 40 Like, that's not a thing that

Speaker 23 you can fix.

Speaker 38 or should fix because it's when you say I want to save the relationship like you will lose that relationship if you know in your heart you said what you needed, she balked, and you took it back.

Speaker 15 Like, it's over then.

Speaker 29 Because you know that you are not safe to show up the way that you need to show up and that you can't trust yourself around her.

Speaker 45 Because if yourself said what it needed, and then yourself took it back when it got icky, then you can't trust yourself around her.

Speaker 43 So it really isn't a question of whether you can trust her, it's a question of whether you can trust yourself and to stay with yourself in her presence.

Speaker 11 I also think that

Speaker 11 because I have a complicated relationship with my whole family too, and

Speaker 31 whenever I go home,

Speaker 11 I literally do this on the plane and don't make fun of me. I literally like surround myself with white light in my mind, and I'm like, You can take your body anywhere it wants to go.

Speaker 53 You have a credit card,

Speaker 11 You can leave whenever you want.

Speaker 11 You can leave whenever you want. And so I don't want to take

Speaker 11 oftentimes when we ask

Speaker 11 for some sort of accommodation in some way,

Speaker 53 what we're also trying to do is grow the spine to be strong enough to be able to stand up and walk out of any fucking room you need to walk out of.

Speaker 11 The interpersonal relationship is less important right now until you can get your relationship with you solid enough where you can walk yourself in and out of any room.

Speaker 3 Ooh, that's good.

Speaker 11 Because then the other stuff doesn't matter.

Speaker 18 Right, and then you can have compassion for her.

Speaker 48 Because I think that's the other thing, like

Speaker 12 sister relationships, it's like

Speaker 38 you know each other's

Speaker 45 like

Speaker 41 if it was a video game, like you'd know exactly the place that you're like, well, that's the death kill right there, right?

Speaker 38 And and that's what makes it so intimate, and that's also what makes it, like, frankly dangerous.

Speaker 32 And so I think you can also, if you know you have your own back, then you can look at her with compassion and be like, oh, this is so hard for her.

Speaker 38 Like she's got a little sister who she's probably severely codependent and enmeshed with, who suddenly asserted that she was her own person.

Speaker 26 And she is taking that deeply and tragically personally because she thinks you're one person

Speaker 26 mentioning for a friend.

Speaker 37 That friend is me.

Speaker 14 We feel you.

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 41 So she's just having a hard time with you separating yourself in some way. And that's hard.
And it's also necessary.

Speaker 12 And she'll get through it.

Speaker 48 And you will also get through it if you stick with yourself.

Speaker 14 And nobody ever talks about it, it's not,

Speaker 14 we think

Speaker 14 we all learned about boundaries, okay? Everybody talks about boundaries. Great.

Speaker 14 But

Speaker 14 what we don't tell people is when we finally get up the courage to set the boundary like you said the thing, that's actually not the hard part.

Speaker 14 It's not.

Speaker 14 You say the thing.

Speaker 14 Never in the history of the world has anyone in a family unit said something that was different than what we all agreed on before. You have no needs,

Speaker 14 this is your role, this is your, because we're all given scripts, every family role is a script. Nobody has ever gone off script and then everyone in the family went, oh, okay, that sounds good.

Speaker 14 No!

Speaker 14 No! When somebody on stage goes off script and and says a new line, everybody else freaks the hell out because then they all have to change their roles. Like, she's freaking out right now.

Speaker 14 That's okay.

Speaker 40 You recalibrated.

Speaker 14 Now she has to recalibrate, right?

Speaker 14 You can give her time.

Speaker 14 You can do that with an open, gentle heart. You don't have to be mad at her while she does it.
That's what I do.

Speaker 14 I get so mad at people for thinking they're mad at me and nobody's ever said they're mad at me. You actually don't have to do that.
It's like you set the boundary and then you just wait.

Speaker 14 The storm is going to come after you set the boundary.

Speaker 31 Hold,

Speaker 31 hold,

Speaker 25 hold.

Speaker 14 It's not your time. It's like you played chess, you did the thing, you're.
No.

Speaker 14 You just wait for the storm to pass, wait for them to change their roles, and then see. And if you keep a soft heart.
Plus, you are a love. Like your energy, it's going to be okay.

Speaker 31 You're going to be good.

Speaker 11 All right, let's find another question up top.

Speaker 11 Thank you.

Speaker 20 Hi, my name is Kylie. I turned 27 in two weeks.

Speaker 20 Oh, little baby.

Speaker 20 I feel geriatric. I feel like my life is ending because I'm in my late 20s.

Speaker 21 So how do I get over the two?

Speaker 3 Do you feel like your life ends yourself?

Speaker 11 Hold on a second.

Speaker 11 Did you say you're feeling geriatric?

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 35 How do you think that makes us feel?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 3 That's okay, honey. Keep going.

Speaker 26 She's like, I'm not taking cues.

Speaker 11 You're taking cues. So the question is, how do we make you feel a bit better about being sold?

Speaker 3 So old?

Speaker 11 Is that it?

Speaker 21 Yeah?

Speaker 41 That's a question?

Speaker 11 Yeah, I think it is.

Speaker 26 It's all downhill for you.

Speaker 26 But hold on. Hold on.

Speaker 33 Let's just hold some space.

Speaker 3 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 3 Hold.

Speaker 3 Okay, is it possible?

Speaker 14 I'm just trying to empathize. I'm trying to think, I'm trying to remember when I was 27.
You were wasted. I know I was so drunk.

Speaker 3 So that's one option.

Speaker 14 I'm just trying to get into a 27-year-old space.

Speaker 14 I mean, we do have lots of crappy ideas in this country about how fast we're supposed to be achieving and doing all kinds of stuff, and it's all bullshit.

Speaker 14 Are you worried that you haven't gotten enough done on the planet yet? Or what? I actually want to know what you're worried about.

Speaker 20 Yes, all my friends are married and have babies.

Speaker 7 Oh, honey, they're miserable.

Speaker 7 Give them a minute, they'll be back. You are crushing it.

Speaker 7 Oh, sweetheart.

Speaker 41 That is stressful because at that time, you know what I always think about?

Speaker 37 You know how.

Speaker 41 Okay, so depending, it changes by state.

Speaker 23 But for some reason, there's like a magical age in every state where it's like

Speaker 48 there will be 35 weddings in your friend group this year.

Speaker 29 It just so happens that everybody met the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with this year.

Speaker 14 No, they did.

Speaker 26 It's so arbitrarily. They just got FOMO.

Speaker 14 They just got FOMO and grabbed the first person that they saw

Speaker 14 because their friend was getting married.

Speaker 33 They're like, this is the time.

Speaker 14 Let's go.

Speaker 2 You'll do, you'll do, you'll do.

Speaker 38 So that's silliness.

Speaker 48 We should really re-look at that.

Speaker 15 We really, really should.

Speaker 39 But there is, there's always, like, whether you're 27 or 37 or 47 or 57, there's like, it does feel like there's a little bit of, there's always a pressure that you should have done something by now.

Speaker 27 Your life should be in more order than it is.

Speaker 38 Your relationship should be X, Y, and Z.

Speaker 7 And

Speaker 29 you should just generally have your shit a little more together than you do like at every stage.

Speaker 38 And I think there's a legitimate grief of every stage.

Speaker 39 Like that, that the the good news about getting older

Speaker 10 is, hey, still kicking.

Speaker 41 The bad news is that that period of your life really is coming to a close.

Speaker 39 And so I think it is a disservice to be like, when we make

Speaker 10 getting older, like this tragic thing as if it is, which is so silly. But it's also we shouldn't minimize that something is done.

Speaker 27 You know, your 20s are done.

Speaker 37 For me, I was like, thank you, baby Jesus, my 20s are done.

Speaker 38 But I mean, there is a period of time that you do, you grieve.

Speaker 12 And so, but no one has their shit together at 27 or 37 or 47.

Speaker 48 So, like, there isn't

Speaker 48 at all. And, like,

Speaker 11 I have a life hack. Yeah,

Speaker 11 I've got a life hack for you.

Speaker 3 Buckle up.

Speaker 11 I'm the youngest of seven in my family, and I choose to only hang out with older people.

Speaker 26 And so I always feel young.

Speaker 14 I'm trying not to take that personally.

Speaker 24 That's it.

Speaker 11 So, like, when my older brothers and sisters, like, they turn 50, they're about to turn 60, I'm like,

Speaker 31 they're old, and I am young.

Speaker 11 So, and I'm saying that at almost 45, so you've got plenty of time.

Speaker 14 But I love you, and I do think we should hang out with more, like, we should do more intergenerational stuff. Like, it was so hard to be 27.

Speaker 14 I would not, it is so hard to have all the shoulds in front of you and have the whole world telling you you should be this or you should be that, and you still care about what people think when you're in the city.

Speaker 14 You still care.

Speaker 12 That's the real thing.

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 14 You still care.

Speaker 18 And so.

Speaker 11 The 40s that starts to go away. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Wonderful.

Speaker 11 Hang in there, love bug. All right, we got one down here.

Speaker 52 So my name is Blaine, and just like the town, Minnesota.

Speaker 8 I can't believe I'm in the same room.

Speaker 20 So I was one of the blogs that you highlighted on mamastery like 12 million years ago.

Speaker 4 Anyway, that's not the point. My question is, what is your self-care

Speaker 9 to stop hurting?

Speaker 4 To stop what? Hurting.

Speaker 34 To stop hurting?

Speaker 4 What is your self-care to stop

Speaker 4 hurting with all of the shit that we have to fucking deal with?

Speaker 13 Yeah.

Speaker 14 I never stop hurting.

Speaker 11 That's true.

Speaker 14 Yeah. I don't even think that's the goal for me anymore.

Speaker 14 Like, I'll never forget being at one of my first AA meetings,

Speaker 14 and

Speaker 14 I said something like this, like, I just want to be happy. I just,

Speaker 14 how do I be happy? How do I be happier?

Speaker 14 And

Speaker 14 this, like, old lady kind of grabbed my leg and she said, oh, honey, being human isn't about feeling happy. It's about feeling everything.

Speaker 34 And like,

Speaker 14 I don't know. I just think this whole like pursuit of happiness thing, it's so,

Speaker 14 it's like the pursuit of it is what makes us miss everything. Like I don't even know what we're trying to do.
I just, I think the only self-care that's real for me is to like

Speaker 32 slow down.

Speaker 14 Like just slow down enough to notice how I feel and to notice my humanity and to notice intuition

Speaker 14 like we run so fast to try to get happy Grabbing all the things like the next I mean the amount of time I spend on Zillow it's just

Speaker 11 I am also guilty.

Speaker 35 It's insane

Speaker 45 Love Zillow.

Speaker 14 You know, I've gotten to the point where I can

Speaker 14 I can measure my mental health by how many hours I'm spending on Zillow a day.

Speaker 11 It's like I can measure it by how many houses you send me on email from Zillow. I'm like, oh, it's not a good day.

Speaker 13 And I'm like, okay.

Speaker 14 My self-care is like, if I'm looking for a cabin with no electricity in the middle of the woods in some state I've never been to,

Speaker 14 maybe I just need a minute by myself in my house.

Speaker 14 If I'm this the next day, I'm looking for a commune in New York where all my friends can let, like, maybe I just need to call Liz. Like, it's very small things, you know?

Speaker 14 But

Speaker 14 I know it looks like online, it looks like everybody's happy.

Speaker 14 I know everybody, and they're not happy.

Speaker 14 Right? They're just like us. Everybody's just like

Speaker 14 either avoiding their feelings

Speaker 14 or sitting in them. a little bit.
And I think when we sit in them, we find what we're meant to do next and who we love. And I mean,

Speaker 14 I'm slowing down a lot, getting quieter. I'm crying all the time now.
I'm like,

Speaker 14 I don't know where that came from.

Speaker 11 That's fun.

Speaker 11 Well, I've been the crier in our family, so it's actually fun. Like, before she was just like...

Speaker 17 It'd be like a sad movie.

Speaker 13 Well, I've been on LexaPro since I was born.

Speaker 11 I know, but she'd just be like this, looking at me, and I'm like,

Speaker 11 what?

Speaker 11 Now she's crying, so it's good.

Speaker 14 I think it's okay to hurt. I think the best people hurt.
That's like, we need the people who are sensitive enough to feel what's going on in the world.

Speaker 14 And the people who are sad, the sadness is the gap between the vision you have inside of yourself about how things should be and the reality of how things are.

Speaker 14 That's why visionaries have the biggest sadness, because the big sadness is the biggest gap you can see between what you know, this relationship could be more beautiful, this person's life could be more beautiful, this planet could be more beautiful, this country could be more beautiful, and you feel the vision inside of you and you see the reality.

Speaker 14 And there's such a distance, and that distance is the sadness. So keep the sadness.

Speaker 14 The sad people are the ones who stretch to make the vision come true on earth, which is what that whole shit about on earth as it is in heaven means.

Speaker 3 Wow.