Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Why We All Lie & How Honest Can We Be? (Best Of)

I've realized that the smallest parts of my day, waiting for water to boil, take a break between tasks, are the perfect moments to learn something new.

That's why I've been turning to masterclass.

It's a simple way to make those in-between moments feel intentional.

I've picked up insights from the world's best, chefs, athletes, writers, entrepreneurs, all in just a few minutes at a time.

One lesson that really made an impact, James clear on habits.

He said, you don't don't rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems.

That completely reframed how I approached my mornings.

Now I've built a routine that actually sticks and works.

What I love is that masterclass isn't just inspiring, it's practical.

Right now, our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership at masterclass.com/slash hard things.

That's 15% off at masterclass.com/slash hard things.

Masterclass.com slash hard things.

I think that I know more than anyone on this entire planet that having the right therapist to talk to can make a life-changing difference.

That's why I think Alma is so cool.

Alma connects you with real therapists who understand your unique experience.

You can use their directory to search for someone who specializes in the areas that matter most to you, whether that's anxiety, anxiety, relationships, or anything else.

And what stands out to me about ALMA is that 97% of people seeing a therapist through Alma say their therapist made them feel seen and heard.

You know, I love that.

That level of connection isn't something you can get from scrolling through online advice or following social media.

It's about finding someone who truly understands your journey and is dedicated to helping you make progress.

Better with people, better with ALMA.

Visit helloalma.com/slash hardthings to get started and schedule a free consultation today.

That's hello A L M A dot com slash hard things.

Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things.

I can't even, I'm just going to jump right into this.

We have a treat and a half for you today because today joining us on the pod is Julia Louie Dreyfus.

We all know her as one of Hollywood's most influential, iconic actors and producers.

She starred in executive produced HBO's hit series Veep.

She was Elaine Bennis in Seinfeld and Christine Campbell in the new adventures of old Christine.

She has won 11 Emmys with 26 nominations, breaking records.

for the most Emmys ever won.

She was recently honored with the White House's National Medal of Arts.

That was so so beautiful to see.

The highest award given to artists who advance the arts in the United States.

Good job advancing the arts.

Thank you.

That was my intention.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

And it's so hard to tell who's advancing it.

So it's good to know.

So thank you.

Thank you.

She just released her new podcast, Wiser Than Me, a 10-part series of candid, witty conversations with women over 70.

I cannot wait to attend that.

That is so good.

We got to listen to two secret episodes.

Yes, we did.

And her fantastic new film, You Hurt My Feelings, which I just, we're going to talk about that later because now I'm rethinking the ways that I parent.

And it's just really done a number on me, to tell you the damn truth, is being released in May.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me and for that lovely introduction.

Thank you so much.

What a treat to be on your groovy, fabulous, successful podcast.

Okay, so our new t-shirts that we're going to wear around the house are going to say groovy and successful.

That is a good thing for a t-shirt.

Groovy and successful.

Because you can be successful and decidedly not groovy.

And you can be groovy or groovy.

Decidedly not successful.

It's a good cocktail.

I just don't know if Glennon or Amanda are groovy.

We're not.

We're scrooving our

ungrooved.

We don't have a groove to be found.

Speaking of,

I would love to talk to you about

women and being funny,

because I'm funny.

You are.

I am not Julia Louis Dreyfus funny, but I am funny enough to have it be one of my favorite things about myself.

And I didn't know.

that being funny was something powerful about me until I went to college when I was in like a total immersion program with these dozen other hilarious women.

And before that, I had kind of thought my job was to be

most attractive when I was adaptable and kind of letting other people shine.

And I've heard you say that going to an all-girls school was

really wonderful for you because you could be outspoken and a joker.

And I just wondered,

what is it about the power of women being funny and about being with all women that allows folks to unlock that?

Do you think that that's true?

Well, it was true for me to a certain extent.

I did go to an all-girl school from third to 12th grade.

And actually, full disclosure, it was a very conservative school, but there is something about the all-female experience, certainly in terms of being in junior high and high school and being with only women that affords a kind of assertiveness and

directness.

It helps engender that in a way that I think would, speaking for myself, would not have been the case if boys were there.

I would have demured to boys in an effort to

stupidly get the boys.

And I was, when when I was in high school and stuff, I was involved with student council and I was president of this class and I did all of these things.

I'm pretty sure I would not have gone for that if it had been in a co-ed situation.

By the way, this was the 70s too.

So

a different time.

I also very much, I think, to a certain extent, push back against the system there.

Certainly towards my junior and senior year, I was a tad rebellious, sort of against the conservative infrastructure of the school.

And I, I, I don't know, I think that's all served me well moving forward and going to college.

And do you think funniness is a way of asserting yourself?

Why aren't we funny when we're young around boys?

Well, I mean, I certainly hope that we are.

And I certainly hope young women are if that's how they're built.

You know, not everybody has to be hilarious or anything like that.

But I do do believe it's a powerful way to communicate.

And I think there are certain boys that can be threatened by that.

Not necessarily the boys you might want to hang with, but I do think that there is a powerfulness to that that can be threatening.

It isn't always, but it can be anyway.

In my experience, I have found that that a lot of men have been jealous.

I used to play soccer, so

I am

respected in a way that I think probably a lot of funny women are in some ways respected by men and then hated by the men who also aren't funny.

Right.

Like, because that's a standard in our culture that little boys and men, that's like something that

they want to be.

Yeah, they want to be funny.

Oh, interesting.

It's a way of taking control of a situation too.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's like the opposite if the ideal little girl way is to be unassuming.

To be funny is assumes a lot.

You're like, I am assuming that the eyes should come to me.

I'm assuming I have something to say.

I'm assuming it might go well.

It's such a risk, too.

It is.

It's always a risk.

Yeah.

I mean, it's always a risk to put yourself out there, but it is definitely

a strong way of communicating.

Speaking of risks, when your mother was 60, she wrote you a letter and she was talking about some things that happened in your family.

And she said, I wish that we could talk about what happened.

And you called her and said, what's stopping us?

And that's how you started therapy with your mom when she was 60.

No, not when she was 60, when I was 60.

When you were 60.

Yes.

Okay, so that's how you started therapy with your mom when you were 60.

When I was 60 and she was 87.

Get out of here.

That is awesome.

I swear to God.

Yeah.

She wrote me, it was around the time of my parents were divorced and

I really had no memory of them together as parents.

They were very separate and everybody was doing the best they could, but there was stuff there that had not been unpacked.

And so it was around the time, I believe, of my dad's birthday.

He's passed, by the way.

And my mom wrote me something like, I know it's, this is your dad's birthday and he is on my mind.

And there's a lot that I wish we had been able to talk about certain things.

And then I said, I said to her, well, what's keeping us from doing this?

And so we did it.

And it was really

a wonderful experience.

Hard, hard, but also ultimately very gratifying.

And I feel blessed to have been able to have done that with her.

Wow.

Did you have confidence when you said that?

Because I'm just astounded.

There's all of these unwritten rules in families about what we talk about and what we don't talk about.

And in this case, it was a written rule.

Like, sorry, we can't talk about this.

Were you surprised when she was able to go there with you and agreed to go to therapy?

No, I wasn't, I wasn't surprised.

I think looking back on this, I was surprised this hadn't come up earlier.

My mom is a very thoughtful person and is certainly doing what a lot of what Jane Fonda talks about, actually.

I know you guys have spoken with her and she's talking about, you know, the three acts of life and doing a life review.

And my mother is very much

of that,

of the same mind.

So I was sort of surprised.

It was like, oh my God, why haven't we done this before?

You know, I'm 47 and I have so many friends who are now looking back on their childhood.

I always talk about this New Yorker cartoon that.

I can't stop thinking about.

It's like this guy who's probably like 70 and he's laying on the couch.

He's in therapy.

And he says, i had a really hard childhood especially lately and it's like this idea that you wake up and you're like wait a minute that wasn't normal but most people when they start to bring it up to their parents there is this

no thank you like a fragility of i can't look back on that because i did the best i could and we cannot judge it up and because parents are desperate to believe that they were

good parents.

And they think that their kids are saying you weren't good parents.

Was there some of that in therapy?

Like, how did it go?

She talked about the lens through which she looked at life back then when I was young, growing up.

And I did the same, trying to fully understand

our respective points of view.

of our life together

in a way that maybe really hadn't been discussed in great detail.

And I know what you mean about, I mean,

I'm a mother.

I really,

if I do anything in my life, I want to have mothered my children in a way that it was

nurturing.

However, having said that, nothing's perfect.

You are going to fuck up as a parent.

under all circumstances.

That is, that's life, man.

And coming to terms with that, and I just hope, and I don't, I'm not implying my mother fucked up, but

not.

What I'm saying is, as a mom,

you want to do the right thing, you know, you really do.

I just think it's beautiful to normalize the idea of the review, of the actually being open to later with your adult children, saying, you tell me your perspective, I'll tell you my perspective.

It's a really beautiful, we should see more of that couples therapy.

Yes, absolutely.

It's not just married people that should go into couples therapy.

It's, you you know, siblings.

It's a great resource if one has access to it.

And I also think that as a working mother, because I was

really working when I gave birth to both of my kids.

And I mean, I was worked my whole life.

So I really had a career in addition to being a mom.

And that was always a struggle for me.

And I think that like, if I were to talk to my kids about that, I think honestly, I would be in fear of them saying,

you weren't there enough for me or something, you know, because it was this balancing act that was just completely impossible, to tell you the truth.

There was no

So our dogs, honey and hattie, are sweet, spoiled, and insanely picky when it comes to food.

We've tried all kinds kinds of brands over the years.

Some would get a sniff and then completely ignored.

Others, maybe once and never again, but Ollie, it's a total game changer.

Ollie delivers clean, fresh meals made with human-grade ingredients.

No fillers, no preservatives, just real food.

And the flavors?

Things like fresh beef with sweet potatoes or fresh turkey with blueberries.

I've caught myself thinking, this dog eats better than I do.

Dogs deserve the best, and that means fresh, healthy food.

Head to ollie.com slash hardthings, tell them all about your dog, and use code hardthings to get 60% off your welcome kit when you subscribe today.

Plus, they offer a happiness guarantee on the first box, so if you're not completely satisfied, you'll get your money back.

That's ollie.com slash hardthings and enter code hardthings to get 60%

off your first box.

Whether you are working remotely or in office, many of us require collaborating with team members on projects, tasks, and outcomes.

Monday.com is one of our sponsors and a platform that our team at Treat Media has actually used to coordinate our workflow.

It is a platform that helps you from planning to execution, thinks ahead to deadlines, assign owners and actions, and allows you to see progress as a team.

It actually helps us get some work done.

There is a lot of AI out there, but not a lot actually moves the needle.

Monday.com's sidekick is different.

It can actually build workflows, spot risks, update the team.

You just say what you need, and you can consider it done.

Sidekick in Monday.com saves so much time.

Using our Sidekick integration helped to update deadlines, brief teammates, reassign tasks, and it even helps us spot risks before they actually become problems.

Stop managing the busy work.

Let Monday Sidekick handle it so you can focus on the real work.

Try Monday Sidekick, AI, you'll love to use on Monday.com.

I'll be honest, Instacart has become one of those things that I really rely on way more than I ever expected.

Life is busy between all the work and family and just trying to keep up with the day-to-day.

Getting to the store isn't always realistic.

With delivery through Instacart, I can shop my favorite stores right from my phone.

Whether I'm out of coffee, which happens all the time, or need to restock on snacks, or forgot that one freaking dinner ingredient happens to all of us, it's all just a few taps away.

And sometimes it shows up in under 30 minutes, which still blows my mind.

Instacart brings convenience, quality, and ease right to your door.

So you can focus on what matters most.

Download the Instacart app and use code hardthingspod20 to get $20 off your first order of $80 or more.

That's code hardthingspod20 to get $20 off your first order of $80 or more.

Offers valid for a limited time, excludes restaurants, additional terms apply.

You were the one to walk your dad home at the end of life, and you've talked movingly about how hard it was to lose him, and you've also been very open about how he was a narcissist and extremely hard on you.

And I was reading about how after your first appearance on SNL, he called you to read a bad review.

He didn't read me a bad review, but he himself, he was not impressed with my performance.

Oh, he gave you a bad review.

He gave you a bad review.

He gave you a bad review.

Yeah.

And, you know, looking back on it, I'm sure he was right, but it wasn't delivered kindly or thoughtfully.

And also he was right.

So there you go.

First of all, do you have that, is that a voice in your head?

Like that voice telling you that you weren't good enough.

Is that a voice that gets stuck in your head?

And is that the voice you're speaking back to all the time?

The voice in my head, there's a thing,

a sort of a self-loathing thing that can overcome me.

If I don't like something that I've done, I can't let it go.

It takes me days to

relax about it.

And that's not a good feeling.

Right, right.

Can you talk to us a little bit about your dad and what it was like to be loved by him and get to the place where you were accepting him for who he was?

Totally.

He was a wonderful man in so many ways,

very successful

businessman, but really he was a poet.

He wrote a lot of poetry.

He was published

and he was incredibly charismatic, very funny.

He was a big liberal Democrat.

He was on Nixon's enemies list.

He was very proud about that fact.

In fact, the article in which he's listed as being on Nixon's enemies list was framed and hanging in his office.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

And I am now the proud owner of that artifact from his life.

It's beautiful.

It is beautiful.

And he was highly intelligent, a real intellectual guy, and also

very,

very much.

Yeah, a narcissist.

Everything was very much about him.

But the thing is, is that he was super interesting.

Yeah, that's the thing.

And his opinions were meaningful.

They were informed.

And

like I said, he was hyper-intelligent.

But he was also, you know, sort of not available in a lot of ways emotionally.

But I reconciled that, I think,

at the end of his life just by

being with him and understanding his limitations.

He had a very, very, very unhappy childhood, really,

I think, borderline abusive.

And if not abusive.

And so he, he had a lot of stuff in his life that was unresolved.

And the more that I understood that about him and what his limitations were, the more I was able to,

is forgive the right word?

Relax.

Relax.

Dang.

I'll take that.

That's right.

That's good.

Just relax.

Relax.

Yeah.

I love that you just use that word because it's the same word that you used when you were talking about how it takes you a couple of days of self-loathing to relax.

It's interesting.

Guys, I sound crazy on this show.

No, you are you freaking welcome.

We're all crazy on this show.

We're going to take a left turn.

I want to talk about your son, Charlie, because he played basketball your alma mater Northwestern, which is very cool.

Sure div.

That's no joke.

It's D1.

That's like the real deal.

Gotcha.

Yeah, I can imagine you have sat on a lot of sidelines watching him play throughout his life.

And, you know, Parents on the Sidelines should be a comedy sketch all on its own.

Did you experience that?

What were you like on the sidelines?

Yes, I did experience that.

And I would like to say that I was well-behaved.

Wow.

You would like to say that or you can say that.

I can say that.

Nice.

Good job.

But that does mean I didn't scream a lot.

It was

so much fun to go to his games.

Oh my God.

And he went to the tournament, his sophomore year.

They went to the tournament.

Yeah.

And they didn't get past the second round, but they did get past the first round.

And it was just totally thrilling.

I've never been so terrified.

I was so nervous.

I can't sit next to my husband

watching a game.

That's the only thing that I could not do.

Why?

I don't know.

Every, I can't describe it.

I needed space to have my own anxiety about the game that wasn't connected to his anxiety about the game.

But I really just loved every second of it.

It was such a great experience.

How old are they now?

How old are your kids?

20, 25 and 30.

Oh my God.

Okay, so we're right behind you.

We have 20, 17, and 15.

Oh, wow.

What is it like to have a 25-year-old and a year old?

What's happening now?

Well, it's pretty interesting.

Okay, so your 20 year old is not at home anymore.

No, he's not a sophomore in college.

Sophomore in college.

Wow.

So

that transition when each boy went to college was ginormous for me.

I was gutted by that.

And I think that's because

raising them, I never thought about them leaving.

You know, there was kind of a denial there.

I was just, oh, yeah, my boys, you know, they're here.

It never occurred to me that they were going to go.

And then when they left to go to college, that was a monster transition, like monster transition.

But the really nice thing is that once I got over the grief of that, and I was pretty grief-stricken, then all of a sudden, a new thing emerges, which is they're young adult men and there's a whole new way to be together now, which is incredibly exciting.

And I'm just so pleased to see them operating as adults.

And I'm so interested in their point of view.

Not that I wasn't before, but I'm learning from them.

It's just, I love it.

Unfortunately for me, both of my boys live in California.

And so we see them frequently, thank God.

But I don't know.

I think being a mom of adult kids is

more fun than I had ever considered it would be.

Yeah, so you're in for a lot of fun.

You are, for real.

It feels like when they go and come back, because I'm having a little bit of that with the 20-year-old.

Yeah.

When you say their points of view, it's like you suddenly see them separate from yourself.

I feel like I'm like Geppetto.

Like, I was making him the whole time, and then suddenly he came to life at 20.

And I'm like, whoa,

you're walking and doing things and talking.

You're a real boy.

That's it.

Yes.

Right.

Exactly.

Isn't that wild?

It's so wild.

It's so wild and wonderful.

It really is.

So another question I have, I think it's really hard to be young.

And when we're growing up, we believe that we know everything, but in reality, we don't.

We know nothing.

We know no things.

We're just like.

trying, failing.

And your new podcast, Wiser Than Me, invites us into conversations with women who are older than you.

And what are some things that you've learned from them?

What are the joys that you can tell us about getting older?

What inspired me to do, to even embark on this thing was

I saw that HBO documentary, Jane Fonda.

It's so spectacular.

So good.

Right.

And she's had such a remarkable and varied life, right?

She's had like six of them.

I I mean, and so, and I, after I watched that, and I was pretty sort of stunned by how remarkable

she is and the life she's led has been, I thought, why are we not hearing from older women?

What's happening?

And the more I thought about it, I really do believe that older women are this demographic, as it were, sort of an untapped natural resource that we have as a culture.

And certainly as a woman, I really do want to hear from these women about their life experience.

What can you teach me?

What can I glean from your life?

What tips can you send back to us from the front lines of life, which is where they are?

So that was sort of the notion for it.

I also spoke with Isabel Allende.

I don't know if you guys ever had a chance to do that.

We haven't.

Oh my God.

She is so extraordinary.

And the way she was talking about 80

and how pleased pleased she was to be 80 and to be living the life she's currently living, it made me want to turn 80.

I was like, oh my God, I cannot wait to turn 80.

She made it so appealing.

And in fact,

we didn't even start talking about her writing, you know, because she's this extraordinary writer.

We didn't even get into her writing until like an hour into the conversation, which may speak to what a terrible podcast

I am.

And I'll own that if that's the case.

But she was like, she was a journalist and she didn't write her first book until she was 40 years old.

These are the stories we need.

These are the stories we need.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So, you know,

the pressure to have figured it out in your 20s.

The 20s are so fucking hard.

The worst.

I mean, the worst.

They are the worst.

Absolute worst.

Yeah.

Made worse by the fact that everyone's telling you they should be the best.

The worst best years of your life.

Yeah.

You're so young.

It's all vibrant.

You're fabulous.

No.

And same for 30s to a certain extent.

Anyway, the fact that she really embarked on this in her 40s was just totally remarkable to me.

Every single conversation was, and I guess this is probably your experience too during your podcast, but you know, it got intimate.

It got

personal.

And I like the way that women talk to each other.

You know, I like that.

I like the experience of speaking with experienced older women.

You know, I could do that for the rest of my life.

We hope that you do.

It is missing from the world.

And we don't have any

first-person accounts

from that.

We only have these caricatures of what like an old lady is like from.

Right.

And like the word old lady, it sort of sounds pejorative, right?

Exactly, but an old man, a wise man, that trope is in place, but not so much for the women.

And so, we're trying to sort of stick a pin in that.

And Diane von Furstenberg said,

I asked her how old she was.

And she said to me, You shouldn't ask people how old they are.

You should ask them how long they've lived, which I thought was a different lens

through which to think about age

and aging.

So I hope people dig it.

I had fun making it.

I'm still making it.

It's a lot of work, but it's been fun.

Yeah.

Do you guys find it's a lot of work to do this podcast?

Yeah.

It's like the actual conversations.

If we could just do that, that would be the most fun.

It's just the like getting ready for the conversation.

Yeah, you know, I know.

Get people and you want to be like, what makes them light up?

And what's the things you're talking about?

I know.

So it's a lot of work and also the best work.

Yeah.

Getting out of my own head and soaking myself in somebody else's world for a week.

It's wonderful, actually.

It's wonderful.

And I'm a writer, so I'm used to being alone all the time.

And so to be able to do something with other people feels like I'm cheating or something.

It feels

so much less lonely.

And we're all family.

Yeah.

The three of us.

So it's a good gig.

It's nice.

It's a good gig.

That's nice.

What does the future hold for business?

Ask nine experts and you'll get 10 answers.

Bull market, bear market.

Rates will rise or fall.

Inflation, up or down.

Can someone please invent a crystal ball?

Until then, Over 40,000 businesses have future-proofed their business with NetSuite, the number one AI cloud ERP, bringing accounting, financial management, inventory, HR into one fluid platform.

With one unified business management suite, there's one source of truth, giving you the visibility and control you need to make quick decisions.

With real-time insights and forecasting, you're peering into the future with actionable data.

When you're closing the books in days, not weeks, you're spending less time looking backwards and more time on what's next.

Whether your company is earning millions or even hundreds of millions, NetSuite helps you respond to immediate challenges and seize your biggest opportunities.

I highly recommend it.

Speaking of opportunity, download the CFO's guide to AI and machine learning at netsuite.com slash hardthings.

The guide is free to you at netsuite.com slash hardthings.

Netsuite.com slash hardthings.

It's the beginning of a new school year and also the classroom sniffles and sneezes that go along with it.

From home to school and back, stock up with Kleenex ultra-soft tissues.

Tissues.

Start the school year off the right way by preparing for the messes that come with it.

You don't want to be caught without a tissue on hand to help.

Kleenex Ultra Soft Tissues are soft and absorbent to stand up against runny noses, to keep you and your family clean and comforted as the school year starts.

This back to school season, make sure to get the classroom essential that teachers and students can rely on.

For whatever happens next, grab Kleenex.

Speaking of wisdom gained throughout life, it was five years ago, right?

Almost six, I guess, in 2017, the night after you won your first

ME for VEEP,

the next day you got a call with your breast cancer diagnosis.

Do I have that timeline?

Yes, it wasn't my first ME for VEAP, but I had won an Emmy.

It was actually, in retrospect, it was the last Emmy that I won.

Oh, yes.

It was the one that broke the record.

Yes.

And then the following morning, I got confirmation that I had breast cancer.

So talk about the yin and yang of it all, right?

It's just amazing.

I've heard you talk about your journey.

with breast cancer and you liken it to this story of when you were snorkeling with your husband and he called you back to the boat, which I have thought about that story 1,000 times since I heard it.

Would you be willing to tell us that?

Sure.

My husband and I went on a trip back when we were in our 30s, actually, and we were on this boat and we were

doing this really cool stuff on this sailboat and swimming with dolphins and doing research.

It was a really neat trip.

Anyway, I was in the water.

My husband was on the boat.

And I was pretty far from the boat.

just sort of swimming around, paddling around.

And we're out in the open water.

And he comes to the bow and he says,

yells out to me.

Jules,

I don't want you to panic, but there's a shark in the water and you need to come back to the boat.

That was not my reaction, Abby.

No, that's the nightmare of the world.

That's the nightmare of the world.

That's right.

And so what I did was

I didn't look in the water.

I didn't look down.

I didn't look around me.

I just started to swim towards the boat and I saw the ladder at the end of the boat.

And I kept my eye on the ladder and I just focused on the ladder.

It took so much personal,

what's the word?

Hutzpa.

Grit, determination, grit.

Just all of that.

And I kept my mind on that ladder and I'm getting to the ladder.

And that is what I'm about.

And that's the only thing I'm thinking about is that I'm getting to the ladder.

And I got to the ladder.

And I likened that to my journey with cancer because I just wanted to get to the ladder.

And it was

a bit of a wicked swim to get there, but I got there.

In fact, my son had a teacher when he was in fourth grade.

And it was the year that they were sort of giving them sort of longer term assignments and

papers that were, you know, a little bit extended.

She used to talk to the kids about doing their work in manageable parts.

And it's sort of the same idea, just breaking it down bit by bit and tackling it one stroke in the water at a time or one chemotherapy session at a time and just ticking it off and keeping your eyes on the prize.

Everything else fell away for me during that period of time, except sort of.

Yeah, getting better.

It's an elite athlete's mindset.

It's compartmentalizing and becoming really hyper-focused on what is important.

And so when you have, yeah, when you have your life obviously at risk, it's really something to hear you talk about that because the amount of times though my life wasn't in danger, I can vividly remember complete focus, everything else falls away.

It's funny, you're thinking that's an elite mind.

And I was thinking that's an alcoholic thing.

So I was thinking about sobriety, just like the next right thing, the next, the latter is just like one more day of sobriety.

Oh, interesting.

And I also think that mindset, you know, can be applied to work.

Not that work is scary, but for me, when things are, you know, all the engine is really running work-wise,

all pistons firing is sort of the same thing.

Everything falls away.

Like everything else shuts down and it's a laser focus.

And for me, that actually from a work point of view is like, those are my most joyful moments,

which is funny.

It's a mindset.

It's a tool.

It's a something that has been applied a lot in my life.

Because it's not just what you're doing.

It's what you're not doing.

Because in that instance, it was a 10-foot bullshark that was in the water.

Yes, it was.

If in the other instance, it was.

a terrifying breast cancer.

I mean, if you were to decide to look away from the ladder in either of those instances, that's tempting, right?

You want to know where the shark is.

You want to Google the cancer stuff and like, but to do that,

that's just feeding the thing you can't control, right?

Correct.

The only thing you can control is your movement and your focus.

The only thing you can control is getting to the ladder.

That's what you can control.

That's exactly right.

Yeah.

Is there also, because you said what you're not doing, sister, it made me think, is there something about those moments where we also just don't do bullshit things like what doesn't matter is gone I have a dear friend who just went through losing her mother and it was a harrowing time

and she's finding the after more harrowing in a different way because at least during that time she knew exactly who she was and she knew exactly what she was supposed to be doing and every single morning she woke up and there wasn't anywhere else that she would be that's right yeah exactly and it's like giving birth in that sense you know everything else falls away.

It's funny how life gives us these opportunities to exercise that kind of focus.

Interesting.

Speaking of what you've learned about that time, I don't want to do the kind of silver lining bullshit that people do, but I have a dear friend who is going through cancer right now and she's fighting really, really hard.

And I swear to you that when I am in her presence, I have a distinct feeling of this woman knows something that the rest of us don't know, that she just has access to a different way of seeing the world because of what she's going through.

But do you know something now that you didn't know before having walked through

and fought through what you did?

Yeah, I will answer that in this way.

So

normally

I was was in production at the time that I was diagnosed on Veep.

So we had to shut down.

And

normally I would never,

ever have talked about this publicly.

This would have just been my thing and I would have done it and whatever.

No one would have known in the public.

But because I had, you know, 250 people working on the show, et cetera, et cetera, I had to make it public.

And

the benefit of that was that,

first of all, it gave me an opportunity to talk about health care and people's access to health care and to highlight how lucky I was to be a member of a union and to be provided with health care through my union and how unthinkable it was to me and is to me that anybody who would be diagnosed in this situation would not be covered is

like

mind blown, right?

So there was that.

But the other thing that happened is that certain people started reaching out to me.

First, I started reaching out to others.

I have a couple of friends who

had cancer and who spoke with me very honestly about their experience and you know,

talk about wiser than me, giving me a lot of encouragement and advice as to how to manage this and what to expect.

And then I had the experience of being able to do that for others.

So I met some people post my, or even during my cancer treatment, or just after my cancer treatment, that I could help them get through their cancer treatment.

And I have to say something.

I mean, I know it sounds kind of Pollyanna-ish, but it was incredibly comforting for me to do that, to be able to provide help and encouragement and comfort to somebody who is going through what I had just gone through, I found that for myself to be very nurturing.

And I still do.

And I will say that, you know, having a brush with

something

as scary as a cancer diagnosis, you know,

again, at the risk of sounding sort of

like you've heard it before, but we're not here forever.

And I don't take my

mortality for granted.

I'm aware of it.

And in a way that's good, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So we watched your new movie last week.

We settled into the bed, and I thought, this is going to be a light romp.

This is going to be, we're going to giggle and laugh.

I don't, I just need what you need to know about me.

We giggled and laughed a few times.

But

so I am a mother memoirist.

Okay.

I am inseparable from my sister.

I am obsessed a little bit unhealthily with my 20-year-old writer son who sends me his stuff.

Pod Squad, what I'm explaining to you right now is the fucking plot of this movie.

Okay.

This person in this movie also has a voice inside of her head that maybe tells her that she's not good enough.

So she's constantly do-gooding and trying to write better and better things so that the world will tell her she's.

And then she's trying to undo the voice in her head from her father with her partner, getting her partner's approval.

And then she at some points figures out that while she's desperate for her husband to tell her the truth.

We don't want to give this whole thing away.

She maybe is not.

No, it's all right.

Okay.

Okay.

I just want to make sure.

That maybe she hasn't been telling the truth.

I'm just talking about me.

Yeah.

That maybe she hasn't.

Is it Glennon's plot?

Is it your plot?

One can't know.

She's been totally telling the truth to her son.

I actually didn't know which part of this to ask you about, but one time my friend Jen said to me, Glennon, my whole life, my parents have been telling me that I am excellent.

And it took me my 20s, 30s, and 40s to finally understand that I am medium.

Can we just talk about one string of the movie, which seems to be that we keep telling our kids that they're amazing and excellent and the best at things

because we think that's love.

And then they spend the rest of their lives

talking about feeling like

bad mothering, right?

Yeah, feeling like failures when they don't quite live up to those.

accolades, as it were, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, to give the Pod Squad an idea, because you don't understand, you, everything that you do, this movie, your demographic is here.

Yeah.

Those are the people that are listening to the entire podcast talk.

We just need to keep talking for the next like 85,000 hours.

And we just keep them on board and we'll just all be one big happy family.

That's right.

But the story of the movie, You Hurt My Feelings, is

it's a very small story about some very big

human emotions and human relationships.

And the Nicole Hall of Center wrote and directed the film.

We've worked together before.

She's extraordinary, not only as a writer, but as a director and as a human being.

She's a good friend.

I love her desperately.

And I'm really proud of this movie that we...

We made together.

And I'm so happy to be in it, but the notion that her husband has not been telling her, my character of Beth, and her husband, whose name is Dawn, played by Tobias Menzies, my character realizes that her husband has not been telling her the truth about her writing and has been, in fact, lying to her about his impression of her writing.

And it's like.

It's like worse than having an affair.

That's how gutting it is to her.

And I totally get that.

And we made a movie about it.

You sure did.

You asked me right away, you go, Do you like the way that I write?

Oh, I'm so paranoid now.

I'm so

my mom.

I need everyone to tell me the truth.

But then I'm like, Do I need everyone to tell me the truth?

Because actually,

it's not that he didn't tell you the truth, it's that he didn't tell you his opinion.

Because what if his opinion is

not the truth?

And that does discourage you.

It's just an incredible exploration about truth and love.

And like, is unfiltered truth what we need?

Or is love the filter that we put on the truth?

Correct.

And there's lots of little lies and things throughout the movie.

Yes.

I think relatable, little relationship lies, small, tiny little things that I think we probably all participate in.

Probably.

I'm guessing.

I mean, what?

What am I talking about?

We do.

Yeah, we do.

Of course.

You guys are liars.

Some of y'all do it.

What's the last lie you told?

I lie all the time, I think.

I mean,

I don't even know.

Oh, my gosh.

It's really beautiful.

I mean, there's really a great, great view.

There's a scene.

I'm glad.

Thank you.

Where you just are trying to protect your son from something and you actually climb on top of him to cover him.

And I was like, that's it.

That's my parenting strategy.

That's what I've Yeah, that's mine too.

That's mine too.

Yeah.

Oh, God, it was so good.

It was so good.

I really loved it.

And I've never seen a piece of art exploring that.

Like, how much do we tell each other the truth?

And

you did it.

It's beautiful.

Thanks, Glenn.

And I appreciate it.

Did she know you very well?

And did she write it like about you?

Because

like the stuff with the dad and then no, no, I mean, Nicole, Nicole and i yes we worked together uh many years ago we did a film with james gandolfini called enough said

and uh and we've been friends ever since so yes she knows me very well i know her very well but this was completely out of her brain and um and she's a writer and she could relate to and she told me this premise a couple years back now And she said, what do you think of this premise?

And I was like, oh, I love it.

The premise being finding out you're the most significant person in your life doesn't like what you do oh

it's just that is a gutting premise and i was like oh yeah let's do it so i think she did write it with me in mind but this was maybe more about her personal experience than than mine i think And your adult sons, if they wrote something, how would you approach that?

Like if they gave you,

they go to you.

Oh, that's right.

So, how do you give them feedback?

Like, how do you approach love

and truth with your family?

Um,

geez, how do I answer that question?

I'd probably lie about it if I were you.

Yeah,

it's a

cinch, Glennon.

It's so easy.

You just climb on top of them.

I love everything everybody does all the time.

It's perfect.

Great.

And then they go out into the world and just get eaten alive.

Eaten alive.

But the other thing, too, is that when you have, when there are people that you love and you want to love what they've done,

that can be the kind of fuel

for

for understanding their work.

And in a way, that can sometimes be bad because you have expectations going in.

You want it to be great.

If it's not quite what you thought it was, then how disappointed are you?

Because you were expecting, you know, it's so complicated.

So complicated.

Relationships are complicated.

We're all a mess.

Can I just say it?

Thank God.

You guys are a mess.

We're going to be a little bit more power to get to that.

Thank God.

That's really successful.

Don't give up, but we are all incredibly fucked.

Actually, that's the t-shirt.

Yeah.

Fucked the groovy thing.

Don't give up, but we're all good.

Ruby, successful, and incredibly fun.

Yes.

That's the t-shirt.

Yeah.

You're talking about people who love your work and partnerships and you and your husband.

I'm, I'm obsessed with y'all.

I mean, 36 years married.

It's amazing.

You are each other's champions.

We just had the honor of interviewing Michelle Obama and she was talking about how despite about 10 years there where she couldn't stand her husband, she's really grateful to have made it through to a long marriage.

What is the unique gift of a long ride with somebody?

What do you find at 36 years that you couldn't have found otherwise?

Oh, man, we've been through it.

I mean, what can I tell you?

We have been through so much life arm in arm.

And

that is just

magnificent.

I mean, warts and all, by the way, way, you know, really difficult stuff, really joyful stuff, but we've been

partners.

And there's something about now having that history together.

I mean, I'm almost embarrassed we've been married that long.

I want to say, like, oh, we've been married, you know, we've been married 15 years and that feels, you know, but 36.

And he's like, oh my God.

So how long has your marriage lived?

Yes.

How long has you lived?

My marriage has lived for 36 years

and or soon to be 36 years.

And, you know, I found the right guy.

I could have fucked up because we got married.

I was young.

He was young.

And I could have picked the wrong guy, but I didn't.

So that's good.

I had a good instinct there.

I had pretty good instincts.

Yeah, you do.

I'd say it's worked out all right for you.

Yeah.

We'll see.

I don't know.

You got potential.

You got potential.

Thanks, guys.

Just thanks for you.

Thank you, guys.

It was really, really nice to talk to you.

And

it was a delight to have this conversation.

I feel like there's so much more we could be unpacking, but I don't know what it is at this point.

Well, you let us know.

I mean, we'll unpack for you all day.

And I just want to say, cause I'm, I was a big Seinfeld watcher and to see a woman

in so many of those male-dominated spaces on that show was a big deal.

And for you to carry scenes like that was big for me to be watching when I was a kid.

And I just want to say, I know that that you have had to go through so much

bullshit being a successful woman.

I just wanted to say thank you.

You walked a path for us and it just means the world to us.

Thanks.

That's so nice of you to say, Abby.

I really appreciate it.

And I was lucky to play that role.

And I was,

and it was unusual for its time.

There's no doubt about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's really, but I appreciate that so much.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

Julia Louis Dreyfus, unusual for her time.

Thank you, Pod Squad.

See you next time.

Thank you.

If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us.

If you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things, first, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things?

Following the pod helps you because you'll never miss an episode, and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode.

To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right-hand corner or click on follow.

This is the most important thing for the pod.

While you're there, if you'd be willing to give us a five-star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful.

We appreciate you very much.

We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey.

Our executive producer is Jenna Wise-Berman, and the show is produced by Lauren Lograsso, Allison Schott, Dina Kleiner, and Bill Schultz.