How to Stop Pleasing and Start Living

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Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things Today.

Today is a season.

That one sounded like we could can do hard things today, which actually might be a more accurate description.

We're not sure about tomorrow.

We could do hard things today exclusively.

Oh, listen, I have been thinking lately about why

the one day at a time slogan is so important to people in the program, obviously.

Sobriety is one day at a time.

And I used to only think of it as like, of course, because life is so hard that I can't think about like not drinking or not.

I can't think about my whole life.

I can only think of this one 24-hour period and that will make me less insane.

And I can just keep doing that one day at a time.

And, but I think that one of the reasons also is because you get to start a fresh slate with every, like you're, the concept of one day at a time is that you're not bringing every, you're not the history of every relationship, the past of everything, the future fear.

It's like recently someone brought up the concept of,

you know, I used to be a teacher and you used to have these charts of cards for behavior and it was like everybody would start on green every day and then maybe yikes if you had some challenges you would be on yellow and that but every morning

green

green cards for everybody every single morning no matter what and that is like a super important concept of one day at a time too that like if you live that way you're promising yourself today I will deal with the relationships that I have today and not bring all of our past history to every single situation.

Like, seeing everybody with a beginner's mind is kind of a cool way to live.

I really like that.

I really like that.

I also like

the concept of.

So, I was listening to a

speech that Federer was giving to a graduating class, and he said, He's a that tennis player, one of the best ever.

He was saying to them,

So

I have won 80%

of all of my matches, which is a very, very high number.

So he's one of the top players in the entire universe.

80% win.

He said, I've only won 54% of the points.

So

that's fascinating, right?

Because it's like, you don't,

I feel like we think in order to to be like nailing it, we have to be nailing 80% of every day, or we have to, but the best in the world, in order to get to 80% wins, only wins four more percent than the next person of points.

And he said, the reason why I have been so good is because every point is just a point.

Like if I absolutely kill it and it's going to be on ESPN highlights and it's unbelievable, that's still just a point.

If I come up and the other guy just like smokes me and I look ridiculous, that's just a point.

And every one of them is equal and all I need is one more than the other guy.

And then I get my win.

It doesn't matter.

It's just one at a time.

And the only way that you can have clarity

to be focused in on the next point is if you completely let go of the last one, whether it was amazing or terrible.

And I just think that's interesting.

Like when we think about,

I think we berate ourselves for being like, ugh, I was only 51% decent today.

Why isn't that a win?

That's a win.

51%?

Federer level or whatever.

Exactly.

Yeah.

It's a hero.

A hero.

Good stuff.

So you see my one day at a time and you raise it, nope, one point at a time.

Just one moment at a time.

One point at a time.

And it's always a new tally.

Yeah.

Every time.

That's right.

That point is over.

We're not thinking about that anymore.

New day.

We're all on green again.

Well, P.S., that's why my, in my classroom, the system never worked because I always felt like we should start over every couple hours.

Like, it felt so mean.

Like, some kid makes a mistake at 8 a.m., they have to look at the yellow card at 2 p.m.

No, thank you.

We are, we can't take multitudes.

Everyone knows that Johnny's always on orange.

I know.

It's awful, actually.

It's awful.

Everybody starts over every five minutes.

All right.

Okay.

Let's hear from some pod squatters.

This makes me so happy when we hear their beautiful questions and voicemails.

So, sister, you and I will do our best without our Abby.

She's on the road.

Terrible.

I know.

I know.

I'll try to think of what I think she would say, and then I'll try to say those things too.

Here is Jennifer.

Hi, Bonin and Abby.

My name is Jennifer.

I'm a longtime listener.

I love your podcast.

I just was seeking some advice about a situation that I've recently been in.

One of my friends recently got into a relationship and has kind of stopped spending time

with his friends.

I feel like every single time I try to plan something with him, he bails or he comes up with these fake excuses, but in reality, I know he's just spending time with his new girlfriend.

And I'm wondering how you think I should approach the situation because I feel like this is super common with people.

They get into relationships and then they drop all their friends, and then they break up with that person, and then they have no friends anymore because they dropped all their friends.

But I care about this person, and I don't want to lose my friendship with them.

So, any advice on what I should do?

Thank you.

Do you have any initial responses, Amanda?

I want you to go first.

I do have initial responses.

I

feel like Jennifer's feelings are hurt.

Yeah.

I feel like she has a sad

because

she wants to hang out with a friend and her friend is in this new relationship and

and she feels

sad and mad about it.

She wants to hang out with her friend.

And to that, I say, Jennifer, I understand that.

And that sounds like it hurts a lot.

And

in a perfect world, this wouldn't be happening.

And also,

when you first start in a relationship and you fall in love,

you are obscenely

selfish and self-absorbed self-absorbed in that love.

And

as personal as it feels to you, Jennifer, it is not personal to you.

And when you say

you care about them and you don't want to lose the friendship with them,

I think you won't lose the friendship with them if you remain a friend to them when they come out of their selfish period because

they will whether the selfish period ends when they are broken up or whether the selfish period ends when they have like gone through their initial we are absolutely bonkers in love they will come back and that's the natural order of things and if you

love

them

you will still be there to be their friend And you can tell them that it hurts your feelings, then they will be in a position to hear it because they will no longer be in their crazy place.

It sounds like a little bit like you might want to give them what they deserve.

And what they deserve is to maybe have a big F you that they dropped you when they had their girlfriend.

So if you want to give them what they deserve on the other end of this, you can, but like you won't have a friendship.

You will have to give them the grace of understanding that this is what happens and you get loony when you first fall in love.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like it's just, it's resisting this whole concept of like friends should be this certain way.

And if you fall in love, you should still spend as much time with us as you do with your new person.

It's actually just a bunch of made-up shoulds.

I mean, actually,

so here's one thing that happened recently is that I have a kid who's in love and I am so happy about it and it's wonderful.

And then also I started to feel

like Jennifer.

And I am, and I am almost 50%.

You love this person, you don't want to lose them.

I was like, what, but what about when we spend time?

Like, what?

And so, what I did was I told myself that I was only worried about this child's individuality and like person.

Yes, they are a miserable person.

Individuals

not healthy for them.

It has nothing to do with me wanting to enmesh with them again.

Right.

And also, just be clear that this relationship is utterly beautiful.

Like, not a red flag to be found, okay?

But

I

presented it as this like concern for maintaining your individual self, whatever.

I said, maybe you should, you should.

Whenever you're saying to someone else you should, you're just fucked.

It's just, that's the red flag right there, right?

But anyway, I was saying you should.

spend more time here.

You should spend more time alone with yourself, by which I meant with me.

Right.

Okay.

And child looked at me and said,

I think I'm hearing what you're saying, but I want to be with them.

I want to spend my time with them.

Now, pause.

Oh.

Okay.

So you are actually very happy right now.

You are so excited about this best person that you want to be with them.

I only want to spend time with people who want to spend time with me.

I do not want to present a case to a child or a friend or anybody that presents a case that shows that they should spend more time with me so that I don't know.

Best case scenario, they rearrange their life so they're spending less time with the person they want to and more time with me.

And then they're annoyed that they're spending time with me because they want to be with the other person.

So if I'm Jennifer, I'm thinking, okay, I'm lonely right now and sad.

That is my problem.

That is not my friend's problem.

My friend is not lonely and sad.

My friend is happy as shit.

I might have to figure out how to meet that need for myself in a different way during this time, right?

And if I do that, and find some connection and joy and whatever in a different place, I might just be the kind of person that that friend wants to hang out with again.

Not out of duty or some fake sense of justice, but like desire.

Truly, at the end of the day, relationships only work with desire

because you want to be with the person.

And nobody wants to be with a person who is shaming them into hanging out with them.

Yes.

And

I also get

that

the hurt that happens when it's like, wait, so I was good enough and fun enough and desirable enough to want to hang out with me all the time until this girlfriend came along and now i'm not i get that that's like feels like a rejection and it sort of is so that's a real

totally of a thing so i i'm not i'm not trying to minimize that and or feel like jennifer you shouldn't feel like a little bit shitty about this that's that is very

and especially people who go over this over and over where they're like, oh, I have a friend until my friend gets a partner and then I don't have a friend anymore.

And now I have a friend until my friend gets a partner.

You know, it sucks.

Yeah.

But it's also that there's the element of, we know, we know what happens with people when they fall in love.

Their brains are different.

It's like

you're on drugs.

You're actually your your lit your brain is lit up different.

You're in a different place.

So there is just sort sort of the acknowledgement of, I guess I just feel bad for everyone if everyone is going to be sad and hurt again and again every time their friend ditches them for a romantic love because that's never going to stop happening.

That's what happens to people's brains is they lose their minds.

I remember it.

It's almost like you just have to be like, oh, like make up a word for it and know that if you are going to have good friends over a long periods of time, you are going to lose them sometimes to this romantic thing, unless they are so highly evolved that they have found a way to like maintain sanity in an insane time.

And then also the way that they are friends during that time is that they don't hang out with you.

The way that you are a friend to them during that time is you give them grace and don't shame them for not hanging out with you.

And that doesn't mean you're not friends.

It means they're friends going through this cycle that happens inevitably.

And then on the other side of it, you will be friends.

You will be friends who hang out.

Now you're friends who aren't going to hang out very much.

Yeah.

Just pretend they have the flu or something.

Like if they had the flu, you would not be like, and Johnny never calls me back.

He gets the flu, and then he's not blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Just, it's the same.

Okay, so Jennifer, I hope we've solved that for you.

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Let's hear from Ryan.

Hi, it's Maeve Ryan.

I love your show so much, and I've never called in before, but your episode with Allegra Casten just blew my mind.

I've been listening to you guys for since day one,

and I just wanted to thank you for that episode because I am soon to be 47 years old.

I think you are also this age, Glennon, and I have

always known I was a little OCD, but like Allegra mentioned, I used it as an adjective.

And I took a quiz during your podcast, during your episode, and realized I am very high OCD.

And

I'm like,

my heart's racing because it's just amazing to me that I could have lived 46 years

and

never taken the time to talk to my therapist about this.

So I am going to do that when I see her next.

And my question to you is, is it normal for people to be in their late 40s before they even realize that they do have this mental health disorder?

So

thank you so much, and keep doing what you're doing.

You're saving lives.

I love

her, and I love Allegra Castens.

And

this caller is talking about episode 306.

If you haven't listened to that, it is about

the truth about what it is like to be someone with OCD.

And it was a really powerful.

Very powerful episode.

I think it is normal.

It's typical.

It shouldn't be.

But I think it is typical that especially women don't learn of their diagnoses until

a lot later.

In fact, on average, for OCD specifically, because it's such a like shame-laden, misunderstood

disease, the average person goes between 14 and 17 years before they get a diagnosis.

So it is very typical.

I do feel like there is

just so many more late-stage diagnoses with going on with women right now of everything of autism and ADHD and OCD and so much.

I mean, do you feel like

you're hearing about that a lot just anecdotally?

And

yeah, I mean, I don't, I think we forget how recent, like we didn't even,

the word neurodivergent is now on the tip of all of our lips, thank God.

We weren't even saying it six years ago in the general population.

Like

the awareness that people like Allegra and so many people we've had on this pod are bringing to the culture and then the magic of hearing people's stories and then going, oh my God, wait, I thought that sounds like me.

And then

taking that to professionals and figuring out that, you know, I hear again and again, and I know this on a completely different level just with queerness, is like, it's not just the freedom that comes from like, oh,

I thought I was damaged.

I'm this.

Since these are all very different than damage.

This is not damage.

It's a different way of being.

But then you also, so there's the freedom and relief of that, but then there's the community.

Then you find all the other people.

And that is an equal gift.

But I think

also we have the double bind of the awareness has been

so low, but also every study that's ever done is the male presentation of whatever that thing is.

So women finding out that they have these experiences come so much later because because we have to figure it out from behind and inside and whatever because the studies are never done on women.

Aaron Ross Powell, yeah, the symptoms of autism and of ADHD look very different for girls and boys and women and men.

They were typically looking

for the

symptoms, the characteristics that they thought were just the characteristics and then to find out no those are the way

they present in boys and men.

And so you didn't find them over here because you were looking for the wrong thing.

So 80% of women with autism are misdiagnosed.

That is an alarmingly high number.

And so they're misdiagnosed with other various disorders and have to keep going through the process, keep going through the process till they find it.

It's also women with ADHD.

Most women with ADHD do not get diagnosed until their late 30s or early 40s.

That's most.

That is wild.

You've gone through presumably all of your educational experiences.

You've gone through your formative, like trying to figure out who you are, what you're capable of, what's possible for you, all during a time where you had no resources or understanding of how to cope, just kind of felt like there was something wrong with you.

Mm-hmm.

And I'm sure that you didn't didn't just feel that because every institution you were in only rewards the behavior of neurotypical people and the ability to sit and to stare and to not move and to

acclimate and to, you know, concentrate for so like

you probably over time have a lot of shame to undo because you were probably taught that you were wrong,

which is a slice of insanity.

Like you were just not built for the structures that you were put inside of.

And also just discovering people discover

so many gifts that they have to offer the world with their particular brand of brain.

But no, it's not unusual.

It's happening.

And thank God.

Yeah, it really is.

I think the blessing of it is of all this awareness.

And they think a lot of it has to do with, you know, the internet stuff, people telling their stories, saying, this is how it looks for me.

Oh, you won't find this in a medical journal because it hasn't been studied yet, but, and people being able to see themselves in those stories.

So, actually,

over the last 12 years, the ADHD diagnoses in women between 30 and 50 have doubled.

So, it is happening now.

People are finding this out.

It is a new wave of women being able to understand

the way their brains and bodies work.

And in addition to like on the good news is on the whole,

when they've looked at what happens with the late diagnosis, the overwhelming feeling is that

people feel better about themselves and that their quality of life improved on knowing themselves and understanding their experiences.

you know, retroactively in light of this.

And there's a major relief and community and also there's a grief

because you're looking back at your whole life thinking, if I had known this, if I had had the resources, if I had had the accommodations I needed, if all of that, like that's a

lot to grieve too.

But the good news is, even in spite of that grief, if you think this might be part of your life,

people

who

get a diagnosis

say that their quality of life improved and they feel better about themselves.

So there seems to be something it unlocks for people in there that makes their lives better.

Yeah,

that makes sense.

And it's very, it makes you kind of appreciate the shithole internet.

It's like

that is one really good thing.

Yeah, that's one really good thing that like information is not as siloed, that you can see yourself in all of people.

The democratization of storytelling allows people to find themselves in places that they never could have before.

And, you know, it's funny that like there's always the, oh, God, now everybody's gay now.

Oh, now everybody's, you know, non-binary.

Now everybody has ADHD.

That is a hilarious like back.

pushing of this thing.

And it's interesting to think that way.

I will say that.

It is

just a reminder that,

you know, neurodivergence nor queerness is contagious.

But information and freedom is contagious.

So to now raise people in a culture where we have all of this information and people can find themselves early, like...

and then express what they are early is so beautiful.

It will just make people live with less suffering earlier on.

And it's not that everyone's gay now.

It's not that people have always been gay.

It's just that people have not always heard themselves and been able to

express who they are as early.

But yay.

And thank God for Allegra.

Oh my God.

She's amazing.

Okay, let's hear from

Jess.

My name is Jess.

I have something that I wanted to ask about that I have been noticing in some of my friends relationships and marriages and I just

am really bothered by it and I wanted your take.

Something that I've realized is that

a spouse or a partner will have a boundary, I guess you can call it, with their counterpart and

it will be that they can't hang out alone with someone of the opposite sex in a

heterosexual relationship.

So, for example, I have friends who

husbands or wives would be uncomfortable with their spouse being alone with someone of the opposite sex or hanging out with them, even with kids, even at coffee, even driving in the car somewhere.

And this just just really bothers me and I think that it seems like it's more common than people act like it is and to me it feels like a piece of control

and the urge to control people but I

I'm just curious if my intuition is right that this is really toxic behavior anyway that's all thank you

okay I would like to suggest that we discuss Jess's

but I don't want to discuss it in terms of whether it's good or bad.

I feel like judging everyone's relationships like that, like because I don't think I'm going to be able to do it.

Am I allowed to discuss it in terms of whether it's good or bad?

Yes, you can.

But before that, I do know a couple things, okay?

I know that a boundary

is not

telling someone else what they can or cannot do.

That is not a boundary.

That is control.

A boundary is what I will do or not do.

Okay?

What if your boundary is I will not have a wife who goes, who eats dinner with a man?

Then that is a person who, if that wife wants to do that, then they should get divorced.

But what that man can't say is

My boundary is for you not to do that.

They can and they do.

But what I am am saying is that from my

studying of this situation, that when Jess says, is that control?

The answer is yes.

If a person is saying, in order for me to be comfortable and safe, you have to do this thing.

That is control.

A boundary is, in order for me to be comfortable and safe, I'm going to do this thing.

Okay.

Secondly, I also want to say that I, from

I've had personal experience in this situation.

I was in a high control group called the Evangelical Church for a long time, and we used to sit in the pews while the minister would say to us,

your marriage is not safe.

You should never be in a room

with a man alone, Glennon.

You, Craig, should never be in a room

alone with a woman.

Like that was preached to us

week after week after week.

So

that is a very real thing that is taught to people.

I as a person who has created lots and lots of rules and controls,

anorexia, religion, all these things to protect myself from myself.

This is all from people who are scared shitless of themselves.

Like, that's the only reason to make all of these rules around other people is because you are scared shitless of yourself.

That's what anorexia.

I will protect myself from my own appetite.

And these rules are: I will protect this institution from my own

appetite, I guess, desire, right?

So, this is the way people act when they don't trust themselves.

I

feel

hesitant to judge it with inside relationships other than to say the way that I see it, but I will say that I find it abhorrent when, and should be illegal, when these ideas are transferred into professional arenas.

So I am a man who is a boss.

And oh, because of my piousness and my religion, I will not take a meeting with this woman, which is very fucking convenient for patriarchy because then no woman has access to power.

So when this idea transfers into outside of the little family unit, then we all have a problem that is not your right to control.

So that's what I have to say.

Go ahead, Sissy Bear.

Yes.

So this is all from

the so-called Billy Graham rule.

Like this all stems from,

became very popular when Billy Graham said that he will never

meet with a woman alone who is not his wife.

Not even in an elevator, like will not be in any kind of alone situation with a woman in order to, quote, flee youthful lusts.

Oh, Jesus.

And avoid appearances of compromise or suspicion.

So Billy Graham Graham says that this is his rule.

Everyone, like

evangelicals, like jump on the train and we're like, yes, good rule.

Everyone adopt this rule.

That like Mike Pence as vice president

also,

his rule was that he would not

dine

with a woman without his wife present.

That obviously is like incredibly complicated when the most

when the study showed that the most mutually advantageous negotiations occur over meals

when you have the vice president of the united states unable to reach a mutually beneficial negotiation with a woman

that is clearly a problem because a woman would not be

yeah and the fact that she's only seeing them as sexual beings well that's the overriding that's the overriding thing like if if a woman is only a woman is only a woman and and let us be clear clear: like the rule comes inside of evangelical patriarchy.

That's the origin of the rule.

You can say all day long that it applies equally to men and women because these women are also agreeing not to meet with men.

The rule was called the Billy Graham rule because his rule was he would not meet with a woman.

Why doesn't he meet with a woman?

Because women are tempstresses.

There is only one woman who's virtuous, just like there's only one, you know, Mary, that is his wife.

Everyone else is Eve.

Everyone else is tempting.

Everyone else is dangerous, dangerous, exclusively sexual, holy sexual.

And as a corollary, women, you can't meet with men, not because the women will have a sexual appetite, but because the men cannot be trusted around the women because they can't have any sense of responsibility for themselves.

When they're with a woman,

all bets are off.

They have no internal sense of control.

So

it's tricky because it's presented as this like

respect

for

the spouse.

It's bullshit.

But when

you scratch just a tiny bit deeper,

it is not only, as you said, no respect for self and self-control,

but respect for

a woman as having any kind of multi-dimensionality.

Because

if her sexual nature is so overriding

that it

makes everything else she is,

you know,

a

lobbyist for the planet, like a lobbyist, a

anything under the sun,

a, oh,

a mentor, a mentee, a anything,

it means you cannot be anything else that would override what is your primary identity, which is a sexual tempstress of me.

That's right.

And it's super interesting to think about if it were really about protecting you from, you know, a deadly sin of lust.

Okay,

it's not.

It's about control and access to power and not meeting with women.

But if it were really about that, then why do you also not meet with like powerful men to do business deals?

Because that might tempt you into greed.

Like, if you're trying to protect yourself from all of these energies that might corrupt you, I can suggest a few more energies that the Bible suggests that you should protect yourself from.

So you better, you know, avoid all of those temptations.

But no, it's just sex so that we can just keep it to women.

I mean, just not to mention how,

I mean, this is all easy to say, but like

how personally humiliating that must be.

Like, I'm just trying to imagine

if I have a working relationship with

a man or a friendship or, and I feel like there's like a real mutual respect, a real connection

in terms of whether it's professional or whether it's over some kind of shared interest, not at all sexual in nature.

And then he says to me,

oh no, I can't ride the elevator with you or I can't go to that,

I can't go to lunch to discuss that business thing with you

because I have this role with my partner.

Suddenly it's like you might as well be standing there like, it's like

totally naked and exposed.

Like, but I was never a sexual thing to you, but you just told me I am.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

And that means to everyone that's what I am.

And by the way, this stuff just doesn't, it's, you know, why are the rates of like,

no offense to porn, but porn and cheating and all of this is so unbelievably high in these high control groups.

That's the irony of all of this.

Like they're making all of these rules and then they, they so

it also trickles down into the culture in so many ways.

Like if there were no Billy Graham rule, then maybe our kids wouldn't be at school with the girls wearing shirts that are tank tops, getting sent to the principal's office.

They don't even.

Because

interrupting their education.

Why?

Because they're uncomfortable?

Because, no, because their arms might tempt the boys in the classroom and might distract them from their education.

So the girls' education is immediately interrupted and they're brought to the principal's office.

And then, and this happens all the time.

And also, Glennon, they are told, sixth graders, seventh graders, eighth graders, my daughter's in fourth grade.

She's not allowed to wear tank tops.

So they are telling fourth graders, fifth graders, sixth graders, which by the way, I've said you can wear a tank top any fucking day of the week you want.

And I double to can dare them to call me and tell me.

Oh, I kind of hope they do.

I kind of hope they do.

That would be so fun.

Oh, it would be amazing.

But what they're saying is, you are sexual.

Yes.

You are a sexual creature above all.

You are not a student.

that has equal footing in this.

You are above everything else,

a sexual creature that we have to protect ourselves from.

And fourth grade.

Yep.

Yeah.

It's interesting also because all of that comes from Christian puritanical shit.

And then, and then, since we have no, no separation of church and state in this country, that's all just a joke.

It's just all permeates into those things.

But when I have this conversation with, you know, evangelicals or Christian people,

the vibe, that Billy, that Billy Graham vibe has so infiltrated the culture that everybody really thinks that way.

Like it's like, no, the boys will be tempted and we can't let the boys

be distracted and go down a hard road.

So the girls have to do this thing.

But when you go into this scripture,

when you take away the culture and actually go to like the...

the meat of it, it's hilarious because Jesus is always like, okay, if your eye causes you to sin, then you should cut your eye out.

So like, okay, if we're going to actually, you know, remove the billy gramness of it and just go to the scripture of it, if

Mary is sitting in class with a tank top and Johnny,

his eye just can't handle it.

He's just full of lust and sin and about to just explode.

Well, Jesus doesn't say then Mary should put on a cardigan.

This is none of Mary's fucking business.

Mary's trying to learn her spelling words.

If Johnny has a fucking problem with Mary's arm, then Johnny should go to the principal's office and get his eye scooped out.

The line at the nurse's office is going to be very, very long.

But it's a personal problem.

It is not Mary's problem.

In any way, it has nothing to do with Mary.

Deal with it, Johnny.

Scoop out your eyes.

Cut out your arms.

Whatever it takes, I guess.

But don't bother Mary.

She's trying to learn her capitals.

I

mean, everyone do whatever the hell you're going to do.

I just feel really

sad for those people.

I'm like, that sucks, man.

You have such a low estimation of yourself and your spouse that you've got to like do that for real.

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So we're going to hear from Alice.

Hey, you guys, this is Alice Sheher.

Here's some irony.

It's frustrating to be friends with people pleasers because they won't communicate what they want or need, which means it then falls on me to make all the decisions and it is tiresome.

Here's my question.

How do I be a good partner or friend to recovering people pleasers?

I know they have to do the work themselves, but is there anything I can do to help them on the way?

Because frankly, this is exhausting.

I'm with Alice, man.

Under talked about phenomenon.

Thank you, Alice.

Yes, agreed.

Good job, Alice.

Tricky one.

And also, this is an important one to talk about because as we all become more aware of the dangers of people pleasing, there's going to be a lot of us that are in people pleasing recovery.

So it's an important conversation to have.

And it's also a little bit confusing because

if you're friends with the people pleaser, are you?

Like, do you even know that person is?

They're just be trying to please you.

They might not even like you because they have already indicated that they're just going to go with the flow.

They don't like the Chinese food, but they're eating that.

Maybe they also don't like you.

You know how I started thinking about this recently is that I really, I have a couple people in my life who I feel like are,

I don't know that people pleaser is a strong enough word.

It's like

a trauma response of survival that has to do with just morphing into whatever the person in front of me or situation in front of me or unit needs.

And so it are you talking about me right now?

No, no, but that's hilarious.

Okay, no, I'm not.

i'd just like to know um

it is uh a situation where there if there's a person in your life where you just can't grip on it's like there is no they're there

and then it's just extremely hard to be in a in relation with that person because what is that person and then it's doubled the confusion is doubled by the fact that these types of people are usually very quote, nice.

So you feel bad even being annoyed or being unable to whatever because they're so nice that it feels like you should think they're great, but you don't even know who they are.

Like you don't know what they stand for.

You don't know what they like.

You don't know what because they're always just a mirror of whatever's in front of them.

And

I don't think that's a simple situation.

Like I don't think it's like a little quirky personality trait.

I think it's a trauma response to like people who in their in their families of origin just became, oh, I have to basically be a ghost to survive.

Like, I have to be nothing.

I have to be not solid.

I have to be.

And I think that's a very, very hard thing to unlearn.

And I think if you,

I don't know if you should continue relationships or whatever, but just even knowing that that is a trauma response is

helpful for compassion.

And then I think of it in terms of, for me, I feel like it's almost like trying to be friends with an addict.

And it is

because

those are people who

get their shots of dopamine or safety from the approval of other people's faces.

So it's not that they

breaking people pleasing, it's not just like, oh, I have to learn how to disappoint other people.

It's, I have to learn how to live without this shot of dopamine I get every time I please another person.

So it really is addiction recovery.

It's like, how do I sit with myself without, it's like recovering from hustle culture or any other thing where you're like, oh, but how do I get my worthiness or my shot of whatever?

It is very helpful for me to think of them as addicts.

Wow.

And that, what you're describing right now is kind of like if people pleasing was a spectrum, those are the most extreme versions of like they're like vacant.

I am empty and get filled up by the people around me and just sort of become them.

I am like tofu.

I take on the flavor of whatever I am like swimming in.

And

then there's like a spectrum of people pleasing too, where on the other end

you can be someone who just really prides yourself on going with the flow, which is like, I think what Alice is talking about, like, it's just fucking exhausting to also be around people who won't make a decision.

Because when you're going with the flow,

all you're doing is going with it.

Like, someone else is making the flow.

Somebody's the flow.

The flow is a little bit like being a freeloader.

You're freeloading on the flow.

Yes.

So

I have

been

guilty of this.

If it's like, where are we going for dinner?

Where are we?

Oh, I don't care.

I'm good with whatever.

I'm good with whatever.

But what that is basically asking is for someone else to decide

and then to execute on it.

Yep.

So, so that does probably get super annoying if you're always like the one or one or one of the two people who always has to be the one to say like, no, here's what we're doing.

Okay.

Is everyone okay with this?

And so

it's good to know that like you should have to do a little bit of work when people say, what do you want to do to come up with like, you don't have to dictate, but you could say like, you could come up with a couple ideas and say i'm happy to do this or this like to help to add a little bit to the situation because that feels

that feels like you're just waiting for someone else to do the work i also

think that i feel very comfortable being in relationship with people that i know

take care of themselves and say what they want and say what they need.

I just feel like in like my body,

a comfort and a settling because I know that my job in that situation is just to take care of myself

because they're going to say what they want.

If they're thirsty, they're going to get something to drink.

If they don't want to be here, they're going to leave.

So I don't have to be like

tuned into whether they're happy or not because I know they're handling themselves.

Yep.

And yeah, that means a lot to me too.

I don't, the thing about people pleasers is nobody can actually be like this.

Like nobody's actually like this.

It's just a waste of your acting.

We all have like, we all get uncomfortable.

We all have wants.

We all have desires.

We all have whatever.

We all get pissed.

So you're just acting this way.

So

when you're with a people pleaser, you don't know if they're actually having fun.

You don't know if they want to be there.

You just know usually event they'll they'll blow up or they'll say, well, I wasn't happy then during that time anyway.

So it's hard to trust.

I want to know if someone's, if I'm with someone who's not having a good time, I want them to tell me and leave.

I had a really cool experience a couple weeks ago with somebody who called me for a favor for this cool project.

And

they asked the favor and then they said, I just don't know if this is too much or if, you know, I just don't want to put you in a bad position.

And I said, and I felt like, oh my God, this is my recovery.

Like I said, I want to do this thing and I need you to know that you can always ask me for what you need because I will never do anything that I don't want to do.

I promise you that if you tell me something, if you ask me something and I don't want to do it, all right, I will say to you,

I don't want to do that or I'm uncomfortable with that.

So you don't have to worry about it.

Just, I will always tell you.

Oh my God.

Did you feel like you're like, I

am singing from the top of a mountain?

Like that's huge.

And she's like this big producer person.

She was like,

awesome.

Really?

And I was like, yeah, like, I'll just tell you, I'll just say, I don't want, no, thank you.

And that's beautiful because that frees that person's system up.

They don't have to tie themselves into tangles for 45 minutes, wondering if they should ask you something.

And they know if you say yes, you want to do it.

And if, and they're also prepared for your no because you've already forecast that there's going to be things that you're going to say no to.

Yes.

And it like, it sticks to the point of like, we are all people pleasers.

I just,

I am people.

You're like, but my person I'm trying to please is mostly myself.

Mostly I am pleasing the people who is me, the people who is in this body.

Yes.

And what I find

is that that,

in this weird way, pleases everyone.

Because they're not constantly trying to take care of me or figure me out or

deal with my bitterness because I've said something yes to something that I didn't want to and then it seeps into everything else.

They're not trying trying to like figure out why is she resentful for no good reason.

Yeah, no, because I might not be like completely available or whatever, but you can trust me.

You can trust, I'm gonna say, and that

is a big thing.

That is a really big thing.

I can't do it anymore.

I won't be in a relationship with people who don't take care of themselves because it's just violent eventually.

I love Alice.

Alice, tell your good, good people people to listen to this part and give you suggestions on dinner and take up the space in their own body and just

don't freeload on the flow.

Yes, because somebody is the flow, damn it.

Alice is the flow.

Alice is flowing, flowing, flowing.

And you're like, oh, I'm so, aren't I a gift?

I'm so easy breezy.

And Alice is exhausted over here from flowing and flowing and flowing.

Yes, and I do, not now, but at some point I want to talk about the phenomenon.

I think we think of people as people pleases or not, but I actually have discovered recently that there's like a couple people in my life with whom I turn into tofu people pleasing.

I don't understand that phenomenon.

Like

a couple people, I am gone.

I don't know where I am.

I don't know that person that I just told you about on the phone with the producer, that person is non-existent.

Why is it that with some people,

the chemical reaction of that is you turn into a people.

So, is it not like people are people pleasers or not, but we all have that capacity?

And, like, there are some environments where we morph into this chameleon thing, and why?

I'm just curious about that.

Maybe we could find somebody to talk to us about that.

I'm sure that's true.

Okay, let's end this episode with Eli.

Hi, guys.

Eli, he, him.

Okay, I'm having like a super tough morning and I'm like out for a walk because I need some space.

And I'm listening to the podcast because, like, I need to listen to some rational people talk about some hard shit.

I have a puppy that's having puppies today, and like for the last five days, our house has just been like strung out.

And this morning, I got up early to make eggs and cinnamon rolls and coffee and everything for all these women that are in the house for the pregnant dog.

Not that a woman part is important, sorry.

But just

my wife got up at 3:45 and like freaked out on me and said some awful shit.

And she is

so tired and just so like strung out.

And I know that.

I know it.

And it doesn't make it any fucking easier.

And I need a moment to talk about it with somebody that is just like

not there and is not going to be affected and is just like away

from the situation.

And I don't have a person I can call.

So I called the highlight.

Sorry, it's not a question.

Love you guys.

Thanks.

I don't know.

I don't have anything to say other than I think it's my favorite message we've ever gotten.

And it just means

it makes me so happy that Eli was just losing his shit and thought I will just call Amanda and Abbey and Glenn

and tell them about this.

I love Eli so much.

Me too.

The ways I love Eli include the following.

Let me count the ways.

Eli

has welcomed apparently many,

many women into his house.

Do less to care for

his pregnant puppy, who is having puppies this very day.

On the same day that his wife woke up and really freaked out on him

and said some awful shit.

He then woke up and made eggs and cinnamon rolls and coffee for said women.

Also then, another favorite part is when right after he said so many women in the house, he very quickly said, not the women part, not the person.

No, no, no, no, no.

With the disparaging groups of women on your hotline.

I wish, you know what?

Hearing this, I was like, I have a glimpse of the other side that I never see.

Like, first of all, Eli, please keep calling us.

Because we need to know

how your people feel because your people don't tell us very much.

No, no.

And I, as a person who freaks out sometimes,

I understand.

It's very hard.

Yeah.

And I'm really glad that you called.

And I really wish you'd keep calling.

And I need, I feel like

he, hims,

need more people to be able to call.

Yeah.

I like how he said, I needed somebody who would not be affected by this.

Yeah.

It's so big and huge to have,

that's why I love meetings so much.

It's like

you can say anything, but it's not all tangled up in what in your relationship or you don't have to deal with people's feelings about it or just like a steady presence that you can just say it to and that's it.

You just need somebody to hold it and not be do the family friend narcissism thing where you all

you think it's about you and you try to fix it or like, you know?

I mean, I think it's a little about

Well, is it terrible that I, for real, my thought was like, do you think they need any extra homes for those puppies?

Eli, call us back.

If there's a way we could help in terms of taking your puppies, Eli, Eli, come on, there had to be a reason for this.

I mean, I just love they freaked out on me and said some awful shit because she's just so tired.

And I know that.

I know it, but it doesn't make it any fucking easier.

I know it.

I know it.

We say amen to you, Eli.

And to the rest of you, pod squatters, we love you so much.

We know it's so hard.

And we know hearing it doesn't make that shit any easier.

We can do hard things, but it doesn't make it any fucking easier.

We'll see you next time.

Bye.

If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us if you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things.

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We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey.

Our executive producer is Jenna Wise-Berman, and this show is produced by Lauren Lograsso, Allison Schott, Dina Kleiner, and Bill Schultz.