182. Glennon Update: Lessons from Therapy

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I walked through a fire.

I came out the other side.

Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things.

We're just always amazed that you come back.

And I think Lennon's probably going to talk a lot in this episode.

And we're going to be here with you.

And that's why I wanted to start this podcast so I could get a word in edge-wise.

So, are you done now talking?

That's all.

That's all I had.

So,

I

decided that it might be good to every once in a while come on and talk about what is going on with my recovery and my process in recovery.

And here's why

I'm planning to do this is I have been through different sorts of recoveries in my life and

it is amazing.

It is

very hard and uncomfortable, but it kind of is just like how to be a human.

And with all of our adulting in the world, we forget, I think, just the basics of how to be a tender, vulnerable human on the planet.

And it is a magical, wonderful thing to kind of start over with beginner's mind, which is kind of what recovery is.

And

it just feels like becoming a little bit more human.

I don't know.

And there are many things that I'm doing in recovery that are just personal to me.

But as always,

there is also a lot that is about everyone.

So that's what I try to always do in my work, whether it's on the page or the podcast is like, okay, how is this thing about me about all of us?

And what kind of

freedom can I get talking about it and service can I provide talking about it?

So that's what I'm going to try to do with these few kind of update episodes.

Just what am I learning and what parts of it am I desperate to tell all of you about?

Because I think that it might serve all of us.

And then you all are just going to have to tell me when it gets really boring because I have no concept of like, I'm in it.

Okay.

I'm in it.

This is what I'm living, breathing, sleeping.

And so you'll just have to tell me when it and if it goes off the rails.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, ma'am.

What

is it serving you by telling the people?

That's

a great question.

So number one, it helps me organize it a little bit.

It can feel like a bunch of fleeting ideas that I'm not,

I'm learning each day and I'm thinking about and then they're gone and I can't get them back and like I'm grasping for them again.

I'm a teacher.

I'm a third grade teacher at heart.

That's how I know things is I figure out how would I teach this?

That's how I learned about the solar system and continents.

It's like, how do I teach this to my babies?

They always say you don't really know something until you can explain it.

Teach what you wish to know.

Yeah, exactly.

It feels like I...

Somebody said that, not me.

When I'm figuring out how to share it, it feels like I'm really, I really can learn it and know it.

That makes a lot of sense.

It's reporting from the front lines.

Yeah.

It's like you're a war correspondent.

Yeah, exactly.

From the continent of recovery.

And like everything you report back intersects with our humanity because you're just up closer to it.

We can all feel it, but we're just maybe a little farther away when we're not in that stage.

Yeah.

And you all have real jobs.

You have other jobs.

This is my job.

Like, let me do this for us.

You carry on with your lives and do all the things you need to do with adulting.

I'll do this part and report back to you.

And just so all of you know, I'm trying to do these not where I am right now, which is interesting.

This is me, what I was thinking about three weeks ago.

Because that's another thing I have to do is,

I don't know, I don't know how to explain that, but well, yeah, you have to figure out what it means and process through it enough to be able to explain it.

That makes sense.

Yeah, when I'm in the middle of recovery, every single day I have no idea what the fuck's going on.

I'm like, wait, what is happening?

Nothing's working.

I'm sad and scared.

Like, I don't see any theme or growth until it's a little bit in the back window in retrospect.

I'm like, oh, that's what last week was about.

Also, a trigger warning.

I just want to say it.

Yeah.

Just if Edith, if speaking about eating disorders and recovery is something that makes your recovery harder, then check back in on next episode.

If it's something that makes your life easier and feel more human with other humans, then keep listening.

Right.

Yeah.

And I'm just so grateful for this space.

I can't even tell you all.

You know, sister, after the,

when I talked about the diagnosis on the podcast, all of these people are, all these magazines are like, come talk to us about it.

And it's so wonderful to be like, no, thank you.

I have my family meeting where I talk about these things.

It's just wonderful.

So I decided early on in my recovery that I needed to get back to walks.

Okay, now going for a couple of walks a day sounds very, very simple,

but it is, I think, one of the most important times and spiritual practices of my life is walking.

I don't put anything in my ears.

I don't listen to anything.

I just,

I actually live fairly close to the ocean now.

So I walk down to the ocean and it's been freezing cold.

So I get on like my scarf and my hat and my big puffy coat.

And I'm the only one on the beach.

And the sun's not even risen yet.

And I just walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.

Okay.

So in my visions of this walk of what it would be in my early recovery I thought that I would have amazing spiritual revelations on these walks I thought that my mind would be thinking very high falutin thoughts

yes

now one of the things that's interesting about

focus time

where you're not allowing yourself any other distractions is that you can notice notice what your mind does.

That's precisely why we have so many distractions.

That's why we don't identify.

Right.

So, the way that I want to explain that is like suddenly

you aren't your thoughts.

Like, all day you're walking around and you just think you are that thing.

And then, when you're in a quiet space and you're walking and you're like watching your mind go, and it's like being on a walk with your most annoying, ridiculous friend who won't shut the fuck up, but it's you.

You're like,

you're like, I'm out here for a spiritual experience.

And this woman will not shut the fuck up.

That's, okay,

ruining my beach walk.

And here's what I started realizing is what my mind is thinking about is humiliating.

At this time that I'm talking about right now, this window of my recovery, I had a little bit stopped obsessing about food

and my body.

And so, what my mind did was to now start obsessing about something else, which was the next thing I needed to buy.

All

I thought about while I was out there trying to think about my recovery, trying to think about my childhood, trying to think about Together Rising.

Nope.

Let's think about that scarf.

That just came through your Instagram feed.

That if you bought, you would be so amazing.

This scarf, I obsessed about.

Then, Dennis, Abby, do you remember the hat?

Oh my gosh.

I obsessed about this hat that I saw in a store.

Am I a hat person?

No, but I just needed this hat for a week.

I needed this scarf for a week.

I needed this new sweater.

It was just like one thing after another,

a thing.

It was driving me utterly

crazy.

Like I couldn't stop the obsession.

And so

that is a really important, interesting thing to notice about yourself.

Did you buy the hat and the scarf and the sweater?

Or did you just obsess?

Did not.

No, I did not.

Because I started to think about, okay,

this is the hamster wheel that I could be on my entire life and have been at periods of time.

This is not something that's unique to me.

This is something that is how capitalism runs, how consumer culture runs.

It's just whenever I get the scarf,

I will be pleased for four minutes.

And then there will be something else that jumps in the space of scarf.

And then I will obsess about that until I get that thing.

And then when that's done, it's just a forever,

you know, because we can't ever get enough of what we don't really need.

So I just kept thinking, oh, I'm so happy to be seeing this.

Like, I don't want to spend my life doing this i do not want my entire life to just be

one thing after another that i am trying to consume

so then i started thinking about

okay

we've talked about this before what is the want beneath the want

Okay, clearly, it's not just a freaking scarf or a sweater.

I think this is an interesting exercise to do.

It's like

what marketers do is they just identify a human need, a human longing, and then they just attach a product to it.

So that when we look at something, we're like, oh, that candle.

Oh my God, I want like quiet time.

I want peace.

I want a minute to breathe.

I want people to leave me alone.

But the closest I can get is that $38 candle.

So I started thinking about.

the things that I was obsessing about, sweaters, scarves, things to wrap around myself.

Like I was like, am I freaking cold?

Like, am I just freezing?

But then I started thinking about covering, right?

Covering the neck.

Scarves cover the most vulnerable place.

Warmth.

Warmth.

Like, what does that signify?

I don't know.

I know.

It's like going from

your past to your future.

You know, like you've talked about and your body as like you wanted to become steel, like steel's cold.

It's like maybe this desire to want to move into a more warmth of body.

Yeah, maybe, or exposure, like being exposed and wanting to like cult.

Yeah, obviously, I don't, I don't know for sure.

That would be my guess.

Yeah, but then I started thinking, okay, this is all bullshit too, because this is just thinking about thinking.

Like, I know now I'm like, I think I want this other.

It's just the same consciousness that causes a problem, doesn't solve the problem.

So I'm my mind is wild and keeps wanting things.

And now I'm like trying to think about my thinking.

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So here's what I end, I started thinking about, which is,

I think the problem for me is adding anything after the word like I want.

Like I think I just want.

I think

that I just

am a longing, wanting, needing

person.

And the problem comes when I attach something or anything after that word, want.

It's kind of like that could be one definition of addiction.

You know, like love addiction is like, I love,

and then we just attach Johnny.

And it's like, we think that's going to quell who we actually are, which is this yearning, right?

Or like alcoholism, I need a beer.

No, it's just, you just need, like, you're just a

open wound of longing and wanting.

And so

I started thinking like maybe the problem is not the actual loving or the needing or the wanting, but the attaching one liquid or one person or one scarf to that wanting or longing and needing?

What if that thing never eases that longing?

And so I want a scarf becomes I just want.

And there's no way to solve that.

So you just have to be

in that wanting.

What does it look like to be a person

who deeply wants

and doesn't attach

something to it?

Like doesn't take the bait from the world, which is going to give you a lot of bait about things you should want

how does that look from a day-to-day just to be a wanting person and to come to terms with it without trying to fix it with a thousand things i think that's the key of of my recovery right now i can tell you it's not going swimmingly so far like it's it's always trying to attach something to the thing whether it's food or alcohol or shopping or this is not a problem that's like me, we are all grabbing for something to attach to because it's easier to get that little relief, even if it's eight minutes from the longing.

It's like when you press the button on the cart and for a second, you're like, ugh,

I mean, it comes right back and then you're out of money or whatever, you know, the fact is that we are wanting, longing people.

And the world runs by attaching things to that longing and then convincing us that we will solve it with their product or their thing.

So then then for a week, I was like, okay, with I'm a wanting, yearning people person, what that looks like is like feeling a lot and being okay with that and making art out of it, writing poems, like, I don't know what it is for everybody, but not trying to fix it.

And then a friend was over.

She had just come from a recovery meeting and she said, well, you know, whatever you think about the most is your highest power.

This is like a saying from recovery.

That is so fascinating to me.

Whatever you think about the most is your higher power.

So don't give me, I'm not a religious person.

I don't have faith.

I don't, whatever.

Everybody has a higher power.

Everybody has something they're bowing to.

One idea is that whatever you think about the most is your higher power.

So if you're on your beach walk, you obsessed about your mother who never loved you well.

Your broken mother is your higher power.

Whatever the thing is that you ruminate on over and over again is your higher power.

So when I thought about that, I thought, okay, right now,

I know I'm not pleased about this, but my higher power would be

consumerism,

longing, beauty, thinness, buying shit.

So, then

if you think about what your higher power is, and you being a disciple of that thing,

the idea is, how do I undisciple myself from this?

How do I quit this church?

How do I stop allowing this thing to be my higher power?

So, here's where the things get weird.

What I usually decide is, oh, I just need a bunch of new rules for myself.

The way that I stop this discipleship, the way that I stop this thing being the higher power of me is that I make a bunch of rules for myself.

That is what I ding, ding, ding fingered out on the beach.

Oh my God, I am addicted to beauty culture.

I am addicted to thinness and control.

I am addicted to consumer culture.

So I am going to make a bunch of rules now to protect myself from those things.

So I came home to you, made a big announcement.

I wrote down this whole thing.

You, Glennon, you are addicted to these things.

No more, this is what I said: no more dying your hair, no more makeup, no more Botox, no more social media, no more buying anything.

I have made myself a mission statement.

I told my kids, I texted my hairdresser,

Said, get behind me, Satan.

No more of this.

And I just thought, that's it.

This is the answer.

I am not going to be a disciple of that shit anymore.

I pictured myself, you know, just like this gray goddess with proof of wrinkles and proof of life all over my face and my ass and felt like other women and my girls would be able to look at me and I would just be like one version of a human being that was not fucking telling them that them in their natural state wasn't good enough to exist just as they were.

I was going to do this for me, for my kid, for all of us.

Do you remember that time?

I do.

Do you remember anything in particular about that time?

Do you have any thoughts or feelings about it?

Did I tell you, sister?

Oh, I did tell you.

Yeah, I was just really quiet when you made me read your list.

I was like, huh.

this has been an interesting process for me because

I've had to remove myself from being a part of your healing in a way.

And

my input doesn't matter.

And I think that I've really

tried.

I'm not 100% successful with this, but I thought, well, she's going to figure that out.

She's going to figure this out at some point.

And I can't be the one that figures it out for her.

But you did have a flash of, whoa, whoa, she's doing the rules thing again?

Yeah.

I was like, oh, this is old Gluddon.

Oh, that's so interesting.

I did not know that.

It was like, you, it was like you got like a step outside the house and you were like, nope, too hot or too cold.

And you wanted to come back in where it was safe and cozy and warm.

The way that I think about it is you've created all of these neural pathways of thinking, of operating, and you're starting to rearrange and maybe rewire some of them or even just consider to rewire some of them.

And it's hard to make those new grooves in your, and, in the, in the neuroplasticity of your brain.

So to me, it just felt like, oh, she needs to do this for some reason.

To me, it doesn't feel like new pathways.

You said before that in the first episode that anorexia was like a religion, a worldview.

And it feels like you just took a different religion and filled in the same pathways.

Cause in anorexia, you're like, this is dangerous.

This is scary.

I have to make myself a thousand rules to make myself safe.

So there are foods that are forbidden.

There are things that are dangerous.

And so if I just follow these rules, I'll be okay.

But then you're trying to get out of that and you're like, this is scary.

I don't know how to navigate this.

So I will make all these rules.

There are procedures that are dangerous for me.

There are

hair colorings that are forbidden.

It's the same exact pathway with a different religion.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

my daughter figured this out.

So my 16-year-old daughter, this is, this is where the moment, the moment where the madness is interrupted.

Okay.

So I make it like a couple months with this.

I mean, thank God I'd just gotten Botox.

So I didn't have to like deal with anything, just the concept of one day not renewing.

Okay.

But my hair was getting gray.

I was feeling okay about it for a while.

Then I started to feel scared.

But I wasn't sharing any of my fear on the outside because I already said it.

I already said the rules.

Now if I go back.

Well, you're not going to be safe.

Like not to make light of it.

You had decided that in this brave new world that you're entering

with uncharted territory, you needed things to keep you safe.

You can't just walk out there and willy-nilly decide as you go.

That's terrifying.

Right.

So it's a map.

And you make yourself a map.

And then

what happens?

And it's like, I mean, Abby said later, it was almost like I was trying to prove my freedom with a bunch of rules.

Like, look at me, how free I am with all of my wild gray hair and my, I am so free, but I had to make a bunch of cages around myself to be free.

My daughter sits down in my bathroom one night and she says, Mom, I'm thinking about something.

And I said, What's up?

And she said, Do you think that

it's a good idea to have all of these extreme new rules that you're living by right as you're trying to recover?

And I looked at her on the bathroom floor, and this is a true thing.

I had my phone next to me at the counter.

I looked at her on the bathroom floor, and my heart just,

I felt so many things.

I felt like so grateful for her.

I felt sad that she had to think about that in terms of her mom.

I felt like amazed by her wisdom.

I felt like she was so brave to even be thinking about this or say it to me.

And then I also felt really excited to text my hairdresser.

You're like, dear Satan, get in front of me.

Yeah, exactly.

So I said to her, hold on one second

before I responded to her.

And I picked up my phone, I texted my hairdresser and I said, I just need you to get me in as soon as possible.

And she, of course, said, of course, I've been waiting for this to taste.

Okay.

So

as I was talking to Tish about this, I remembered something that.

My doctor had said to me when I announced my rules to her.

Now, interestingly enough, I had not thought about this until Tish said this because I am amazing at hearing what I need to hear and not hearing what doesn't fit into my plan.

Okay.

So

my doctor said when I announced all of these amazing new feminist rules for myself, she

looked less excited than I thought she would.

You thought you were going to get a sticker for me.

I did.

I really did.

And she said,

let's just keep an eye on that because sometimes people who do not have an internal locus of control

make external rules to keep themselves safe.

People who do not have a center, an inner self that they trust to guide them, make a bunch of structures on the outside to control, protect them, because they don't feel safe or guided in their own bodies.

Suddenly, Suddenly it all started to make sense about

replacing, I felt like I was getting a God of rules, a set of things that had always kept me safe taken away from me.

And so it makes sense then that I would replace it with another, like the old God has mean new rules.

I'll replace it with the new God who has mean new rules, but they all have to do with deprivation.

They all have to do with not trusting myself.

They all have, so it must be right.

And they're also not tested.

That's a thing.

Like before before you did any of it, you decided it was bad for you.

Whereas if you just were going through your recovery and you went to your regular hair things and then it started to seem a little off and like it wasn't working for you and felt afflicted, then you would notice that and respond to it as opposed to proactively, just somewhat arbitrarily.

making up all these rules that you thought would work for you.

Right.

Someone who knows how to live in their body and pay attention to how they feel moment by moment would know how to do that.

Trust the process.

Someone like me, who has been completely divorced from their body and from their knowing forever,

might not trust that that's going to happen because I have not practiced that.

So it might be much easier.

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Now, here's where this weird micro thing that happened to me,

I believe is about all of us.

Where did I get this idea

that

whatever's happening inside of my body, that my truest nature, that my self is not a good enough guide, will not keep me safe, that I have to have outer structures protecting me from myself, protecting other people from me.

I want to talk about white lady culture for a minute.

I think we don't do that enough.

We assume that white lady culture is the default.

White women assume that.

We don't talk a lot about how we are a culture and how we are indoctrinated in a lot of different ways.

And there are a million different socioeconomic groups.

And when I say white people, I'm talking about mine in particular.

There is nothing about myself

that was not told to me at some point, I needed an outer structure to protect me from.

The minute I was born, I was born into a culture that said, you cannot trust your appetite.

Here's diet culture for you.

Here's a list of rules.

Here's a list of guidelines on every single magazine.

You just don't listen to yourself.

You listen listen to this and that will keep you safe and desirable.

I was born into a culture that did not honor a faith, a wild faith inside of me.

It gave me religion.

Here is an outer structure that will guide you, control your, your wild faith, and this will keep you safe, get you to heaven.

Follow these rules.

So appetite is controlled.

Faith.

is controlled.

Sexuality is controlled.

Here's your heteronormative, all the rules that women have about sex.

Stay in the rules of all of these.

Here's the confines and rules around sex that is safe.

And by safe, meaning acceptable.

And here's all the kinds that is not.

And if you so much as want any of those other kinds, then that is further evidence that you can't be trusted because you want this thing that we've all decided is a very bad thing, like any sex before marriage, like any sex with someone who isn't the opposite sex, any of that.

So, that just doubles down on your, like, well, I guess I don't know what's best for me.

Don't listen to yourself, listen to this, you'll be safe.

Match yourself to this set of rules.

Femininity, everything is a rule.

Here's what you wear, here's what you don't wear, here's how you be a girl, here's how you flirt, here's the million ways you can keep yourself safe at night.

Don't wear headphones at night, don't do,

don't drink, all of these rules about being a girl in the world that will keep us safe.

I believe

that

me,

and I'm not saying this is true for everyone, I'm saying this is true for me, that me breaking out of my fundamentalist religion was me stepping outside of spiritual anorexia, that me honoring my desire inside of myself and my sexuality and getting out of a heteronormative marriage and with you was breaking free from sexual anorexia.

We even look at the way the world talks to women about money.

It's financial anorexia.

It has nothing to do with power.

It has nothing nothing to do with using your financial energy to serve and change status quo.

It's deprivation.

It's you just don't get a latte.

You just keep saving.

You just don't buy.

I think that one way, not the way, not the one way to look at

the way that my particular generation, my particular culture was raised is that

we were raised with a bunch of outer rules and structures imposed upon us to keep us safe,

which by the way, none of it was really to keep us safe.

It was to keep white men in our lives in power and unchallenged.

And that is why

we are compliant and caged and fucking angry.

And I think that that is where one place

where this whole Carundom

comes from.

I actually saw this idea discussed on Twitter by Imani Gandhi at Angry Black Lady, who was pointing to somebody on TikTok who suggested, why on earth are we calling these angry white women Karens?

Why don't we just call them angry white women like we've been labeled?

Yeah, because that whole phenomenon undergirds the whole idea of white exceptionalism.

Exactly.

It's just a Karen.

It's a communal problem.

This isn't the whole lot of us.

There's a couple bad apples.

Notice how we don't do the couple bad apples for every other race.

No.

They don't get that courtesy.

No, it's angry black women.

You're an angry black woman.

I think that when you look at all of these isolated incidents of white women freaking out

and calling the police or calling in the troops, it's always when

women of color are showing us too much freedom.

It's when they are laughing too loudly.

It's when their children are selling lemonade.

It's when black men are bird watching.

It's when black families are being full of life and freedom.

It's when people are dancing too loudly.

It's freedom that pisses us off.

And it's also, God forbid, anybody who's in power,

any black woman who's in power,

that, we can't take it.

Anybody who is a woman with freedom or power

makes us crazy because we want those things and we are caged and we don't understand any of it because our culture is anorexia.

Yes.

All of the shit that we see, that we want, the envy we have, what it brings out in us is this white, angry woman that is just pissed because our whole lives, we've been following the appetite, the spirituality, the sexuality, the gender, and the financial fucking rules of the world.

And we know we can't take it out on the people who are doing it to us.

Yeah.

Or not that we can't.

We just don't.

And so we turn on everybody else.

So

I think

that

this is

part of my recovery that I'm hoping

people can find themselves somewhere in.

And P.S.,

stay tuned because

I just keep replacing things with other things.

I haven't found the thing

that

will replace, that will help me find this inner locus that all these people keep talking about.

But what I do know

is that it's not an outer set of rules,

that it's got to be inside of me.

And I will say this, I think the not wanting to dye my hair, I want to not want that.

Yeah.

Okay.

I just don't yet.

I just don't yet.

Like, I

am on to something.

When I picture my 60-year-old self, when I picture my 55, like, I am that person.

But it's not because I disciplined myself.

I overrode myself.

I made myself do it.

It's because one day I woke up and I was so full of life and joy that I decided, why the hell would I want to go sit in a chair for three hours and cover my head?

Like, I won't want to.

It will be a gift to myself to free myself from the thing.

It won't be a rule that I have to follow to discipline myself to do it.

Yes, I want to want it, but I'm not going to make myself do it until I really do want it.

That makes so much sense to me.

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It's the idea that

deprivation

is just as much of a cage as wanting.

You know, if you tell yourself, I still want this thing, I'm not going to let myself have it.

There's not no freedom in there.

Just like there's no freedom in wanting and wanting and wanting and never being able to satiate

that desire.

Both of them are terrible ways to live.

And it made me think when you were talking about the wanting, when you were saying, I'm just a wanting, wanting person.

I think it might go to the locust issue, like to the center of you issue, where you're directing yourself.

Because I'm thinking right now of this book, Woman at Point Zero, this woman, Nawal El Sarui wrote, and she has this part of it where she says,

I hope for nothing, I want for nothing, I fear nothing, I am free.

And it's like what you said, when you get to the point where you don't want

to dye your hair

and you don't want those 10 things in your closet that are going to satisfy you for 10 seconds, is the idea

that you already have everything you need.

So why would you?

Maybe, or it's the dependence upon the trust that when my inner self needs something, she'll let me know.

I think that not wanting, not needing, not longing, that's very Buddhist.

And I mean, listen, I was on the beach going, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

Like I was trying not to want.

Maybe that's part of this.

Like that's, it's also why I want to track this recovery because my hope and dream is that a year from now, I will look back on a transcript from the beginning and be like, oh,

we're not, we figured that part out, right?

Yeah, exactly.

And I think there's a difference between responding to yourself when you are learning to hear your voice

about a want

versus living in the state of want.

Yes.

Those are two very different things.

If you're living in a state of deprivation, very different than deciding that what your body needs is to pass on something right now.

Yes.

Living in a state of want is very different than sitting with yourself and hearing yourself enough to say, like, actually,

I don't want this job and I want that one.

That's a very different

way of doing life.

Yeah.

No, it is.

Well, it's coming from more of a grounded place in the early recovery days.

It's like, okay,

I'm not obsessing about food.

So I'm just going to find something else to curb this desire.

And I think over time, you'll you'll become more grounded in it so it's like oh what do i actually want that maybe maybe not yeah it's just really interesting

because

what i don't think is that that is what most people do i think that most people just live in a state of attaching something and then hamster wheeling their whole life like what i'm saying is i think that that recovery is a gift that leaves people in a better spiritual place than most of the world who thinks that they never had a mental problem to start with.

Because

when I'm doing this work, I'm not thinking, I'm so fucking weird.

I'm thinking, we are all so fucking weird.

How

am I going to use this time to not do what everybody does?

To not waste my life, to not

you know, be in my deathbed and be like, well, I sure did collect a hell of a lot of scarves.

So.

Yeah.

And listen, we're all weird and we're all a collection of chemicals.

We think we're motivated by all this shit, right?

We are motivated by dopamine

and all the other chemicals in our brain that give us positive responses when we do certain things.

So when we are getting those,

As long as that pathway is going, it's going to continue.

And it's almost like you have to live into something before you believe it, because you have to make that pathway work.

You have to be like, whoa, I just got a shot of something joyful in my head when I listened to myself and gave it to myself.

Yeah.

What are you going to do next time?

That's the thing you're going to want instead of the scarf.

Yeah.

That's what I think.

I've casted a vision for who I will be, but that's not where I am now.

So I have to live in to becoming that thing.

And it's not going to be through deprivation.

So thanks for listening

to that.

That was beautiful.

It's been really something about.

Yeah, it's been really something watching you go through this process.

A lot for me has definitely come up.

So I think that this is not only important for anybody who sits in your seat having some of the stuff that you're going through, but For me to be your partner, it's been really interesting.

It's like confronted my own self, like with my own worthiness and how we kind of operate and you getting more embodied and me not needing to take care of some of the things, the physical things that I normally would.

It's been really good for everybody.

And because it's pushing us, it's like, it's.

It changes the dance between us when I'm changing the dance inside my head.

Yeah.

And you are just doing the work and you're doing it in a way that I feel like you deserve like already gold medals.

Oh, babe.

No, it's just, it's really something.

You really are beautiful.

And it's not peaches and cream every day.

No, it's not.

I want to stop now because I just feel like that's enough.

But I did keep one of the rules.

It's not a rule.

It's like one of the things that has felt like a gift.

And I am keeping that one, but I'll talk about that on a different

hour.

Pod squad, thank you for taking this journey with with me and for listening when I'm weird and for just being there because it's really helpful for me when I'm processing all of this to even be thinking about

how I'd describe it.

It's making it less lowly.

So thank you.

You're not weird.

We can do hard things and we'll catch you next time.

Bye.

Bye.

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I give you Tish Melton and Brandy Carlisle.

I walked through fire, I came out

the other side.

I chased desire,

I made sure

I got what's mine.

And I continue

to believe

that I'm the one for me.

And because I'm mine,

I walk the line

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on map.

A final destination

lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to belong.

We'll finally find a way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do a heart game.

I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start.

I'm not the problem,

sometimes things fall apart.

And I continue to believe

the best

people are free.

And it took some time,

but I'm finally fine.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that

A final destination

lack

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been

And to be loved, we need to be known

We'll finally find

our way back home.

And through the joy and pain that our lives bring,

we can do a hard pain.

These were adventures and heartbreaks on that.

We might get lost, but we're okay

back.

We've stopped asking directions

in some places

they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find

our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do hard things.

Yeah, we can do hard things.

Yeah, we

can do hard

things.