135. Letting Go of How It’s “Supposed to Be”

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Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things.

We love your guts.

We love you so much that all we've been doing is listening to your amazing voicemails and questions.

And today we are hearing from the pod squad.

Our people, whoot's my favorite darling, are people still saying woot woot.

No, they're not.

Can you tell us what the new generation of woot woot is?

I don't know, it's just you still saying woot woot.

I actually don't know if anyone ever said woot woot.

Okay, but I do write it in a text every once in a while.

Woot,

let's go.

Let's hear from our first pod squatter,

Julie.

Hi, Glennon, Abby, sisters.

This is Julie.

My question is a sports question.

So my partner is a professional soccer coach in the U.S.

And I hate sports, but I love him.

I'm trying to figure out how to be supportive and engage in the sports or soccer without hating my life.

So I just think there's too many sports, too many games, too many seasons, too many things.

It's never stopped.

And I find myself

rejecting like even conversations about scoring goals and all those things.

Like I'm just like, I don't care how many times the ball went in the net or like who won.

I just genuinely don't.

And so, yeah, I guess my question is, how do I support and not hate my life?

That's all.

Thank you.

This is such a foreign concept to me.

I have no idea how to talk to Julie about this because I've never never experienced anything like these feelings.

I love Julie's guts.

I love this question.

Do you want to take a stab?

Yeah.

Relate to Julie's husband, maybe?

I mean, listen, Julie, I appreciate the honesty here.

I think one thing that I would ask in

response is: do you

love your husband?

And do you love what he does?

Right?

Like

through his eyes.

So for an example, I watch my wife read books

for hours during a day.

She does.

She does.

And reading is not something that it's not like my first instinct.

I'm not like, ooh, where's my book?

Like,

but I do see Glennon reading all the time and she loves.

reading.

And so I love witnessing her doing something that she loves.

I know, but baby, Julie and her husband are not lesbians.

Okay.

So they're not going to scare each other.

No, I understand that.

Okay.

Let's go a different route.

Okay.

Maybe you can look at his coaching.

He's not just a coach.

He's like a life guide for these

people.

I understand that it's weird because there's rules and this team has to score goals in that net and this team is trying to go through the other way.

And there's a lot of these complications during sports

can feel confusing and not fun to watch.

But if you could see it as maybe like a TV drama that's unfolding before your eyes,

maybe you could find it more interesting.

So, when he comes home and he might be talking about the X's and O's in sports, we call the X's and O's, like the tactics of the game.

It's hugs and kisses, right?

Yeah, X O's.

No,

maybe you could inquire and ask about the people.

Yes,

Agree.

I'd agree.

Ask him about the people because Glennon, you've told me when we were watching sports on the televisions

and you want to maybe die at times.

And then they start talking about this woman's story.

Right, right.

But also, you don't, you get annoyed when I ask you, is that person married?

What, what is that person's mental health?

Where do they live?

Do they have pets?

You don't want to talk about it.

You just want to talk about the net and the ball.

That's not true.

I talk about the people because I am a leader.

I think that you have to

get into the hearts and minds of the people that you're trying to lead, especially as a coach.

And we all get to like different parts of it.

I just don't know if Julie has found that there is a different part to watching sports or listening to a coach husband talk about the sports.

She might have to prod

with a follow-up question of, well,

you know, who's struggling the most?

That's interesting.

I'm desperate to hear it.

I'm desperate to hear what sister thinks of that.

Sister, what are you thinking?

Shocking to everyone, I'm sure.

I just don't understand

why we can't each individually do

what each of us individually loves.

And then if we happen to have a struggle in that area, bring it to each other and say, I need your help in this area.

But why can't we reserve our togetherness for the things

that we together love?

Why does our together time need to be consumed by our individual idiosyncratic interests?

I don't want to spend my life pretending to be interested or impressed by shit that is not interesting or impressive to me.

Yeah.

I did that a lot as a teenager and I just don't feel like I need to do it anymore.

I am allergic to placating.

And it's not even about having a realistic expectation of my partner's genuine fascination with my interests.

I don't expect him to do that.

I don't expect him to be genuinely interested about the things that I find individually fascinating.

But I also

100%, I'm not going to fake fascination in his tangential interests.

Why are we faking that?

It's silly.

There should be enough that we can be like, you have a bucket that you love.

I have a bucket that I love.

What's in our bucket of things we love together?

And perhaps we could focus on that when we're talking.

Like,

also,

just for context, I just want to us

to imagine a world.

Julie has called in, okay?

She's struggling with her lack of genuine fascination with the sports with which her husband is consumed.

Can we please try to imagine a world for one hot second in which Julie's husband is sitting around fretting and asking for advice about how he can become more actively and genuinely engaged in Julie's love for gardening?

It is never happened, not going to happen ever.

I hear that, but I

also think that what people do for their life, like their career, their life's work, which might be gardening.

I'm not, I'm not taking that away.

I do feel like there has to be a little bit of open-heartedness in what don't tell sister that there has to be open-heartedness, she will turn this pot around, but they're spending half of their fucking life doing this thing, right?

I could be totally wrong, but there's a little flavor in this:

I have this one image of myself from my past that, as God is my witness, I will never return to again.

And that is-I know what you're going to say.

It's watching your boyfriend play video games.

Yes.

Okay.

I used to sit my

very smart, albeit wasted at the time, ass

on a dirty couch.

And for hours, I would watch my boyfriend play

video games.

Okay.

I don't like video games.

I don't like boyfriends.

For some reason,

I felt like what I should do with my one wild and precious life,

like it would have been dumbass enough to spend it playing video games.

But now I'm spending it watching someone else play video games.

And all I'm just saying is that I don't know how to say it other than that's a vibe I am not returning to.

And it feels like maybe there's a flavor of this as God is my witness.

I will not do that again in Julie.

Okay.

Because

here's what I will tell you.

And I'm not saying this is fair.

I'm not saying this is fair.

I understand it's not fair.

When I was married to a man, I, as God is my witness, was not going to be interested in his, the sports.

But when I married Abby,

I was like, huh.

All right.

I don't know.

There was something about the power dynamic.

She brought more of the sports to me.

It was very clear that it wasn't just about the sports.

It actually wasn't about the net.

It was about like the human struggle of learning how to work together as a team, learning how to experience deep emotions like competitiveness and loss and jealousy, pouring yourself out and losing, and like all the things I actually do care about in the world, but like it's all playing out in front of you on the field.

She brought humanity to it to me in such a way when our daughter wasn't playing sports.

She was like, Why?

And I was like, Well, she's not that good at them.

She was like, So

that's not what any of this is about.

And so we put our girl back in sports and I watched the teamness of it.

I watched her learn how her body was for accomplishing something and not like appearing a certain way.

I watched her learn how to lose.

This child never knew how to lose without like having a complete breakdown.

I watched her lose.

I watched her pull herself together.

I watched her experience all of these emotions on the field safely in the container of a game.

Sports became, I can cry now watching this shit.

But it was because it was brought to me in like a human-to-human way not the way some people do it I'm curious does she respect what he's doing because is is what she's seeing just like a more glorified version of her watching video games video him playing video games I think there's two things going on I think that Glennon what you're saying is what I think I'm trying to say with the third bucket you can love your thing over here I'm disinterested in I can love this thing over here that you are disinterested in without having my thing feel threatened and without personally feeling threatened and then there's a third bucket in the middle that is the thing that we can both genuinely without pretending be engaged and interested around what abby did is she took some of her first bucket and poured it into a third that you could be like you know what i am genuinely interested in that That is so cool to me.

I'm never going to be remembering the stats, but I love this heart of this thing.

And therefore, I can be

really engaged with it.

And

so I think that's the job of both parties.

You don't have to say, come over here and entertain my bucket and be love it, love it.

That's right.

It's like, no, my job is to translate it to you in a way that you will love it.

And include you in it.

In a way.

Yes, that includes you.

Includes you in a way that is generous because I know my partner and I have this thing I love.

And so I'm going to figure out what is the Venn diagram of that.

Yes.

If Abby had come to me and just talked to me constantly about statistics,

that would not have included me.

I needed her to be like, this is my wife.

I actually, I know her so well that this is the part of my thing that's going to light her up and think that through

and include me in it.

But if you don't, it's a repetitive scene from Fried Green Tomatoes where it's just the dude coming home and taking his, you know, TV dinner to the sports and leaving his wife out of it because there's no generosity.

There's no Venn diagramming.

And both parties need to be a part of that Venn diagram.

Like Julie's husband has to

translate it to her, and she also has to have some openness and some curiosity with the sports.

I'm also going to take a little gander, which was not included in this question, and wonder

if a little bit

of

the there's too many seasons, it's too much, it is quite possible that in some relationships, when

somebody's hobby or

work

overshadows and dominates the life and the conversations and the time and eclipses

the rest of it,

that then the expectation that you're going to be giddy in discussing it

just breeds resentment that's good right yes so if you have a husband that plays two rounds of 18 hole golf every Saturday and you're already bitter as shit because that's your family time and

he is not taking care of the responsibilities.

You're taking care of him on Saturday.

And then he comes home and wants to talk to you about golf, you're probably going to be like, you the fuck all the way off.

I hate golf.

That's right.

So, and just for the record, my husband doesn't do this because I know sometimes I present theoreticals that are like, are you just trying to couch that?

That is not a thing.

But I think there's a lot of, well, why don't you like golf?

It's so not cool.

You don't like golf.

There's a reason she doesn't like golf, you guys.

Yeah.

Yeah, because you can sense someone's priorities too.

It's like, is sports your life and you're just trying to fit your family into it?

Or is your family your life and you're adding sports to it sometimes?

It's complicated.

But I'm with Julie in the fact that

the sports presents itself as in like, it's a season.

So that's a lie.

It's not a season.

It never ends.

It's not, it doesn't end.

It like

seasons stop like fall, winter, spring, summer.

That's a season.

Okay.

The sports, they just overlap and they keep going.

And the second there's a championship and then the next day there's a practice.

It never ends.

It's a big lie.

Even when the game's over, it's not.

There's extra time.

There's like, it's just, I'm with Julie in the fact that the farce is over, like there's no end to it.

And it's just sports till we die.

Yes, right?

That's what it is.

That's right.

Okay.

Thank God.

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We have an anonymous question.

Let's do it.

I am 46 years old and I still feel like friendships are such a struggle for me and I'm highly sensitive.

I'm a teacher.

I'm a mom

and I still am struggling to find where I sit with friendships.

I have a few really close friendships that do provide me a lot of joy and are very fulfilling, but it's the times where I get these twinges of loneliness or when I see other females having like ladies' nights out or these families at vacation together and all the families and kids get along.

And then I think, gosh, am I doing something wrong here?

How come I don't have that?

So I guess I'm just wondering at this phase of my life how to do this friendship thing.

I'm with anonymous.

I actually called that question in.

You paid somebody.

You are 46.

All I can hear in this question is the

red flashing words, vacation together.

vacation together.

I'm just just because I want to honor this person and this question, I'm going to tell this story.

And if my friends who it's about are listening, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

But I, here's what happened.

So what happened was I

decided that I was going to go from like zero to 60, right?

That I needed to jump into the friendship thing.

I was very much like anonymous.

I didn't understand how people were doing this.

My friends every summer, this group of friends who were always like,

togetherness was easier for them than it was for me.

I was kind of in, but not really all the things.

They would go for a vacation together in a big beach house every single summer, all of their children and them, like six freaking families with their children.

Okay.

And so I was like, you know what?

I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do it.

I am a person who goes on beach family vacations.

That's the kind of person I am now.

I saw the pictures.

It looks delightful.

I am going to do it.

Oh, my God.

Day two.

Terrible idea.

Day two.

I love these people.

Oh, they're the best.

I love these people.

Like, as far as people on the planet go, they're my favorite people.

Okay.

It was a slice of hell on earth.

All of these freaking children, so many children, so many different parenting strategies, so many different approaches.

Some people getting up in the morning.

Some people, my kids were little.

I lived for 7 p.m.

Cause I was like, they're out.

Kids are done.

We're done.

Some people's kids stayed up till midnight.

So it didn't matter.

There were still children everywhere.

It was so many, so much.

So here's what happened.

Craig and I would get, got, got in bed both nights and we just couldn't even talk.

We were just like in the fetal position.

We don't know what we were going to do.

The next seven days spread out in front of us like

a fiery hell and

tish woke up one morning and said my tummy hurts

and we were like yes it does i looked at craig like oh we have been given a gift

i proceeded

to

make tish appear so sick

i behaved concerned.

I laid her on the couch in front of everyone, took fake temperatures.

We prepared this dramatic exit.

I took her to the emergency room to make my story complete.

Okay?

We were like leaving the house.

Pray for us.

Yes.

Yes.

Magic was in on it with me.

He will call in and verify this whole story.

We took her to the emergency room.

She was like, what the fuck?

I feel like that might have been a bridge too far.

Couldn't you just say you say you went to the emergency room?

Oh, no, because

that would have been a lie.

This was more of a performance with a truth at the end.

Okay.

I got it.

So you were just like, everything was reasonable as long as we keep it within the

facts.

It could be.

Plausible deniability.

It's true-ish, right?

So we took her to the emergency room.

Lo and behold, they couldn't find anything wrong with her.

But just to be safe, just to be safe, we packed up, drove home.

Best trip home of my entire life.

The point being,

don't try that, Anonymous.

Don't jump into family vacations.

I think it was sister who said, if there's anything worse than being with my kids on vacation, it's being with my kids and someone else's kids on vacation.

Yeah, that's right.

That is what I said.

And that is true.

What do you think about this love bug and her wishes, her desire to have this group of friends.

Well, I would just ask: like,

clearly, she might not be the kind of person, maybe a little bit like you, Glennon, that would do well, that would thrive in these, but she wants to be the kind of person in some ways, because there's something about what she's seeing, or hearing, or

looking at on the fucking Instagram.

God help us with everybody.

Frolicking women together around

photos.

It's just, it's just not ever totally like that.

So I don't know.

I would ask, what is she seeing that other families are getting from these family vacations?

Because

there's a difference between a vacation and a trip.

Like a vacation is what you take without any children.

And a trip includes children.

It is not vacation.

It is, it is a trip.

There's probably some like tree climbing in our family.

Rapids.

I totally agree with you, Abby.

I think there's two things happening here.

I think the main thing is when we see

ladies' nights out, or these people are in this book club together, these people do this and the family vacations together that we feel like there's this wide swath of something that we're missing.

And I get that too.

Definitely.

I see things and I'm like, ouch.

You know, when you get that little like,

for me, she said, what did she say?

She said, twinges of loneliness.

Twinges of loneliness.

I love that because mine always just feels like a, like a little baby boa around my heart.

Like

contract, contract.

And it just makes you feel sad, especially if it's people who you used to be friends with and you see it.

And it, I think that's totally natural.

And that is valid and also has nothing to do.

at all with whether you should be someone who's going to ladies nights out or going on group family vacations.

That's right.

Like the fact that you have that twinge means, oh, that looks awesome.

And,

oh,

I

wish I had something that feels like that looks like that feels.

Yes, exactly.

That feels like that looks like that feels.

Because

I always think every time there's a picture like that, I'm like, okay, but somebody had to arrange and take that picture, which means it's staged a bit.

And for every group of people that are together, she's like, how do their families get along and their partners get along and their kids get along?

For sure they don't.

Yeah.

For sure, that's a picture.

And then their kids are like, I hate her and I hate when you bring me here.

And like, you know, and the partner's like, how much longer we have to stay here?

And like, for sure, they don't all get along.

Or I have never been a part of that.

where everyone's just magically melding together.

And if they are, if you have that, good on you.

That is so great.

I love that for people.

And I believe that there are whole groups of people that go and it's the time of their life and that is beautiful.

And I wish I were a person who would do that.

And also, it's like a personality test.

I am never, ever, ever going to be a person who does that.

No.

So I think there's that whole bucket.

And then there's this like, am I missing something?

Do I have my friendships right?

And she said that she has a few really close friendships that provide me with a lot of joy and are very fulfilling.

And to that, I say, me too, Anonymous.

Yeah.

Yes.

That is what I have.

And I don't particularly think I'm doing it wrong.

Yes.

Is there a third way here?

Because, you know, Glennon, we have, I, my birth family has a place that we sometimes go to in the summer for a few days.

And we go because we know, you know, it's my favorite place in the world.

And it's our kids, one of their favorite places to go to.

But it's a literal island with my whole family.

But tell them it's like 40 people.

It's, it is entirely

too much for you.

And I need you to explain to them what an island means.

They're picturing tropical looking.

The island is like the size of a bed.

It's a quarter acre.

It's very tiny.

It's a king-size bed.

It's very tiny.

Okay.

And there's a lot of people and a lot of goings on all the time.

Isn't there a bathroom outside?

There's an outhouse.

Yeah.

There's an outhouse is the the bathroom and it's also

and for you and and also it's the worst there's 40 people and there's two bedrooms so but the bedrooms don't have walls the walls are half half half walls so this is an 18 late 1800s build the walls don't go all the way up to the ceiling the point of my story

is it's outside and there's spiders in it we have gone a couple of times 25 children and you were more inclined to go early on because you didn't know what it would be like to be able to do that.

So you were still chemically dependent on Abby.

I was still hiding my personality.

So as yeah.

And so now I know to get you under contract.

Kind of what, and I believe that if we were to ever go back

to this area, that we would have to actually stay somewhere else.

We would have to have a place.

of our own

to go to third way

and then opt in to said family vacation.

Maybe the kids stay there.

I feel so cozy about this.

You know, maybe the kids stay there and we're just over here doing our thing.

Or maybe we opt in on dinner or we're only there for a few hours a day that it allows you and your kids to have this kind of familial friends experience.

But also boundaries, but also a safe place to return to with bathrooms on the inside.

Yes.

Yes.

No, but see, but we're laughing, laughing, but I think that's brilliant.

It's like, it doesn't have to be all this way or all or nothing.

Yeah.

That there can be, I mean, we've learned this with our families.

We can still go, but like stay in different houses and then opt in and then opt out.

And that that's,

I think there's also something that Anonymous mentioned in the beginning that she started with.

And she said, I'm highly sensitive.

That's the first thing she said.

What I want to say about that is, if you had supersonic hearing,

you might be more uncomfortable at a loud dinner party than someone else.

You would hear things that other, that person didn't hear.

So it didn't upset that person.

It's not because there's anything wrong with you

that you're upset or emotionally, you know,

motivated, dysregulated.

in large social settings.

It's because you have supersonic hearing.

It's because you are affected by more things that, so that I have a, I have, I've, I'm 46 and I'm not going to change that about myself.

So what I know is that that picture of the way things are supposed to be, that thing we say over and over again on the pod, that the thing that screws us up most is the picture in our head we have of how things are supposed to be.

So just because Instagram presents women and friendships as this ever, never-ending get-together in someone's living room or on the beach, that has never worked for me and it won't.

But what I am

creating now

is a few deep friendships, a couple people at a time.

I'm getting that connection.

It sounds to me like she's getting the connection she needs from friendships.

And it's just this idea out there

of how it's supposed to be that's causing the twinge of loneliness.

We're with you, Anonymous.

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Okay, let's hear from Christy.

This is a question that's based on our help conversation.

Hi, I'm Christy.

I'm 45 and I'm a married mom of two teenagers.

I have a full-time corporate job.

And I have a question.

So all the time when we hear advice about self-care, we're told don't be afraid to ask for help.

Don't forget to ask for help.

Be sure to ask for help when you need it.

And often it's implied that someone else is going to like pick up your kids or make you a meal or provide free daycare for you while you have a date night or a bad day.

What's the actual hell?

Every time I hear it, it makes me grit my teeth.

Like literally my jaw clenches and I'm totally not a glass jaw clencher.

My immediate reaction to that every time is, don't ask me for help.

I mean, I'm buried in work and my own family obligations.

I'm behind in every single aspect of my life.

I'm barely keeping my head above water myself.

And then I guess, so someone might say, well, then you should ask for help.

But who do I ask?

I mean, most of my friends are in the same situation I am.

I don't even have any family near me, or at least not family who's like willing or available to help.

My boss is very kind and flexible, but he just wants me to get my work done.

I do buy some help, like I have someone clean my house and do some other household tasks.

I get takeout all the time.

I paper child care when I need it, things like that.

I mean, I do often get asked for advice or connections or referrals, and I'm very happy to provide that kind of help when I'm asked.

I do offer to help in some situations when I see that I could do something easily that would help someone else.

But the idea that I would like make a meal for another family because somebody recently had surgery or somebody had a new baby.

It's like completely inconceivable to me.

I can barely get it together enough to feed my own family.

And so I feel guilty for gritting my teeth about the meal train requests.

I feel trapped because I don't have anyone ask for help myself.

So am I alone in this?

Why are we telling everyone to ask for help?

Who are they asking?

I just, I don't understand.

Thank you for everything you're doing.

I really appreciate you.

Oh, Christy.

Christy.

She just summed it all up right there.

Bring in the varsity level questions.

So, Christy,

if

everyone didn't listen to the last podcast that we did, it was all about help, like why it's so hard to ask for help, why some people are hoping,

and why you should ask for help.

And Christy is doing what they say, calling us out on

who the hell should you be asking?

And sure as shit, don't ask me.

Yeah, I love her it's so true it's so true her why are we telling everyone to ask for help who are they asking

does anyone wife sister have a freaking answer for christy i have one thing that i think first of all good on you christy because bullshit there is nobody liked i double dare you to send me a meal train you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna send out a meal train for my regular ass family every day of the week

When I think, and we alluded to this a little bit in Tuesday's episode, this very thing before I even knew about this question, there is this understanding that everyone around you is drowning.

And so you putting your hand up and saying, I need help is

in some ways not cool.

Because you're like, who am I to say that I'm struggling more than everybody else that I look around and is struggling to?

There's like a, God, I don't know, like a self-importance about that that I'm not comfortable doing.

So maybe it isn't even starting

with the asking for help if you're in Christie's position.

Maybe it's even just like a getting together with the other friends that are in the same situation as you and all admitting

that it sucks and that you're struggling and that you all need help.

You know, it's like the first step, right?

Yes.

Christy's life has become unmanageable.

Yes.

And can we just allow for life to be unmanageable for women without an added crisis?

What I hear her saying also is you have to have a death in the family

or have surgery.

It's like my friends who voluntarily stay in the hospital for days after they have a baby because they're like, this is my best life.

This is my vacation.

This is the only time people will bring me food.

It's all over after this.

I just think that with the demands of life right now, every day is help worthy.

Um,

so I just think she's the exact person to lead the this is bullshit revolution amongst her people because she's so honest about it.

It's like almost crazy making what I'm hearing in her voice.

It's like, this is like all a game here.

And I think what you're saying is true.

Like, what she needs is for a group of women to be like,

everything

is bad.

Everything is bad.

And I don't need you to fix it because I know it's equally as bad for you.

But I just need to tell you what my kind of bad is.

And it's like this little place where you can be honest with each other before you even get to the help part, before we're making food.

It's just the acknowledgement.

I'm exhausted.

And sometimes when you share that with each other, it makes it a little bit easier burden to carry.

And also what's annoying is like we're always talking about the women, the women, the women, the women.

And then, and then when the meal train goes out, I actually don't know, is the meal train like sign up for Josie?

Yeah, she needs like she, this person's in chemo and we need to deliver lunches every Thursday for the rest of the year.

Right.

But typically.

in our culture, it's always the women that are also doing the helping.

So what Christy's saying is, I can't like help this other woman because I'm drowning.

So, and then we're like, we'll get all the women together and then help each other.

But it's like most of these women are in straight marriages.

So where the hell are the guys?

Maybe the guys need to get a support group together because every time there's a problem in a classroom, the email goes to the woman.

You know, somebody says to a dad, is your kid free for the birthday party?

And the dad's like, oh, you can send the email to my wife.

Like,

right?

Where's all the helping that goes on the dads?

Girl, don't get me.

I'm trying to keep my blood pressure low for this one.

First of all, Christy, you're going to sit your husband down and have him listen to two podcasts.

It is the overwhelm episode.

Yeah.

And then

the acts of service one.

And then

we're going to get together with

our friends and talk about how awful it is.

Because honestly, Christy clearly is managing it all and she's the one that is suffering from it.

It does not appear to Christy's people that she is struggling.

And so I think sometimes if you

if you say it out loud, it's just an opening.

I have a group of friends where we all admit how much it sucks all the time.

And it's so therefore it's like an open invitation for any help that you can give.

That's nice.

There's structural ways.

Like it makes me.

It makes me absolutely crazy that we are all with our opportunity cost hourly rate of life doing all the same shit.

Yes.

Why don't we?

In our houses individually.

Yes.

Divisions of labor.

Divisions of labor.

It's insane.

So this year, I went through the whole school calendar.

I wrote down every single day, picture day, field day, alternate field day.

This is the day they get off early.

I made an entire document with the three pages of every date we needed and I sent it around to every single person I know because I was like to hell with us all reinventing every wheel and doing it every time.

Oh, that's so good.

Put these in your calendar.

And by doing stuff like that, you know what?

The next time my friends are always like, Doyle, you won't know this, but tomorrow's tie-dye day at school.

And I'm like, thank you.

Because of course I didn't know that.

That's not dramatic help.

But if you open yourself up to be like, I'm willing to receive all intake that is provided to you.

Yes, life is.

It's more likely to come to you.

Yeah.

And like treating it like life is a communal experience.

Let's recreate the village somehow.

Yeah, that's really cool.

And also, when you said people probably don't know that Christy's struggling, I feel bad for people who have the reputation or of being very sufficient, like of being very steady.

I think it's wonderful for me that my people are a little bit worried about my mental health.

Yeah.

High alert.

Like, I love that.

Right.

Yeah.

They tread carefully.

Right.

And that's good.

And that's good.

We should all tread a little bit carefully with each other because we are all just teetering on that cliff.

It's just that some of us, our faces are like, ah!

And some of our faces are like, I'm fine.

I've got this.

But everybody's teetering.

Yep.

Truth.

Teeter Central over here.

Teeter Central, Christy.

We love you.

We agree with you.

There's no one to ask for help and don't ask us for help.

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Let us please hear from our pod squatter of the week, Cynthia.

My name is Cynthia.

I called you to thank you for inspiring me with courage that I needed.

I'm a recovering Ivy League perfectionist and people pleaser who often prioritize the regard of strangers to the point that if a salesperson spent long enough with me, I would either put the item on hold or buy and return it as to not disappoint them with a non-purchase.

Anyway, today I did a hard thing and resigned from a professional job after less than a month because it wasn't the right place for me.

And I told myself over and over on the way, I will disappoint them before disappointing myself.

I really appreciate it.

Leaving was the right kind of quitting as it was honoring myself.

It's onto greener pastures for me.

Anyway, I appreciate you, ladies, so much and your inspiring words and vulnerability every week.

It really matters.

Thank you.

Oh, my God, Cynthia.

She

is an Ivy League perfectionist and people pleaser who formally, if she was talking to a salesperson for too long, would just go ahead and buy the shit she didn't want so as not to disappoint them.

I get it.

Do you know that that made me think of when I used to check out at the grocery store and then there would be people behind me and inevitably the lady would ask me, are those organic apples or regular conventional apples?

And for sure they were conventional apples, but I would be so scared that the lady was going to think I was lying.

that I would just say they were organic.

Because you'd pay more.

Because I'd rather rather just lie instead of her thinking I was lying.

So I would lie to the lady to pay more

so that she didn't secretly think, suspect that I was lying.

That's amazing.

You would lie in order to preserve your integrity as a truth teller.

Yes, I would lie to preserve my integrity.

That's exactly right.

I mean, checking out, like shopping, forget it.

It's a death trap of stress when you check out at those places.

And then besides all the questions about is that organic?

And then you have, you have the moment where you put your freaking credit card in, and then you have to concentrate so much because it's like, do not remove, do not remove card, do not remove card.

And then there's like the split second where it goes from do not remove card to remove card, remove card, remove card.

Pay such close attention.

And then it always beeps in this shameful way.

way

that's like you don't have any money what are you doing trying to buy those organic apples

and then i always think it's not sufficient funds and i look at it and i'm like oh and then it's just like remove card and i'm like why do you be such a judgy ominous beep it's like my nervous system is too nervous for this system

Is this why your wallet is always out of source?

Yes, because also,

yes, because then if you don't pay with a card and you try to pay with cash to avoid remove card, remove card, remove card.

That doesn't work because then they hand you change.

They hand you change while all the people are in line behind you.

So then you have to figure out what to do with the change.

You can't get out.

It's like too long.

And then you have to take out your wallet and put it in.

So I just feel like throwing the change.

You're running.

You can have it.

Just keep it.

It's too much stress.

I can't handle change.

I can't handle change both literally and figuratively.

But Cynthia, let us focus on this because you went from that level to a professional job one month in,

so connected to your knowing, knowing

that quitting was honoring yourself.

Yes.

And this, this needs to be our next right thing with, God bless Cynthia.

She said, over and over, I told myself on the way, I will disappoint them before disappointing myself.

Amen, Cynthia.

That's it.

Let's disappoint somebody this week, y'all.

Don't disappoint me, honey.

Okay, let's disappoint somebody.

Let's disappoint them before you disappoint yourself, right?

Who do you need to the energy?

Who do you need to disappoint, pod squad?

Yeah, let's get to it.

We love you.

Bye.

I give you Tish Milton and Brandy Carlisle.

I walked through fire.

I came out

the other side.

I chased desire,

I made sure I got what's mine.

And I continue

to believe

that I'm the one for me.

And because I'm mine,

I walk the line.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on map.

A final destination

we lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be known.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do a hard thing.

I hit rock bottom, it felt like a brand new start.

I'm not the problem,

sometimes things fall apart.

And I continue

to believe

the best

people are free.

And it took some time,

but I'm finally fine.

Cause we're adventurers and heartbreaks on that.

Our final destination

lack.

We've stopped asking directions

to places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to be all.

We'll finally find our way back home.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives

bring,

we can do a heart pain.

We're adventurous and heartbreaks on that.

We might get lost, but we're okay with that.

We've stopped asking directions

in some places they've never been.

And to be loved, we need to

known.

We'll finally find our way back on.

And through the joy and pain

that our lives bring,

we can do hard things.

Yeah, we can do hard things.

Yeah, we

can do hard

things.

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