272 - Horoscopes

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the west coast plus the southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's quince.com slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365 day returns.

Quince.com slash nightfail.

Bundle and safe with Expedia.

You were made to follow your favorite band and from the front row, we were made to quietly save you more.

Expedia, made to travel.

Savings vary and subject to availability, flight inclusive packages are adult protected.

Hey there, Nightville.

It's Jeffrey Kraner telling you that we are hitting the road again in just a few weeks.

Come see our newest live show called Murder Night in Blood Forest, starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, Disparition, and even me.

I'll be there.

Plus, our musical musical guest on this next leg will be Adult Mom.

We're going to be in State College PA on September 9th, Phoenixville/slash Philly on September 10th, D.C.

on the 11th, Richmond on the 12th.

On September 13th, we'll be in Asheville, North Carolina, and Durham on the 14th.

We'll be finishing up in Atlanta on the 16th, and Tampa on September 17th.

Go to welcometonightvale.com slash live for tickets and all upcoming tour dates.

This is such a fun and funny show.

Bring your friends who don't even know what a nightvale is.

It's for them too.

Okay,

big news, musicians, weather submissions for our podcast are open once again.

From now until November 15th, submit your song for consideration to Be The Weather on Welcome to Night Vale.

But before you do that, go to welcometonightvale.com slash be theweather for instructions on how to submit.

Finally, The Welcome to Night Vale tabletop RPG is on the way.

The game hits retail stores on September 9th, but if you want to just pre-order this bad boy now, click the link in the show notes and someone will deliver it right to your door in less than one month.

Okay, so much fun news, but let's wrap it up.

That's all for now.

See y'all on the road in September and hey, thanks.

Call me old-fashioned, but the Big Bang should never have happened.

Welcome to Night Vale.

It's the dog days of summer, listeners.

Soon it will be the iguana days of autumn, and then the cockatiel days of winter, before finally we get to the tarantula days of spring.

A year is a long time, and every season of it, we must anticipate the next season, slowly wishing our lives away one climatic period at a time.

Sadly, there's nothing we can do about this excessive heat, which is what some people like to tell us, even though it seems like we've had plenty of chances to do things about it.

But who am I to tell the captains of industry that science is not only neat, but also life-saving?

I'm merely a journalist, which means the only power I truly have is reading horoscopes to distract us from the news.

Your horoscopes soon.

But first, let's have a look at the community calendar.

Wednesday, the Night Vale Parks Department will be holding a chess tournament in Mission Grove Park.

This competition is open to all chess lovers regardless of skill level.

It will be a single elimination tournament.

So before you throw your name in, make sure you have all of your affairs in order.

Say goodbye to your loved ones, and assign someone to take care of your pets, just in case.

Good luck.

Thursday night, the Night Vale Community Theater will be holding auditions for their production of The Crucible, the classic American play by Arthur Miller, about a group of revenge-minded women vigilantes who hunt down misogynists within the ranks of church and state.

Actors must bring a headshot, resume, and prepare a monologue for auditions.

Preference will be given to anyone who has ever killed a man with their bare hands.

Friday is so 3008.

Saturday is so 2008.

Sunday can't be bothered with all your emotional baggage.

Oh, you don't want to go to work tomorrow?

Tough tamales, big man.

Too many chores?

Welcome to real life, kiddo.

Honestly, it's gorgeous outside.

Why don't you try stepping out, inhaling the warm summer air, and staring straight into the sun until you see God.

Or until you become God.

I'm sure you've got it in you, champ.

As a new deity, you could make a whole new universe for yourself where there's no work and no chores and nothing ever happens, and we're all just so happy that there's plain old stasis with nothing to complain about.

Is that what you want?

Yeah,

Sunday thought so.

Whatever.

Monday would like for you to open your mind.

It is trying its damnedest, okay?

And now, horoscopes.

Leo, you let your pride get in the way of your vulnerability.

You don't take critique well, Leo, and right now you're being criticized on all sides.

First, there was your social media post that was none too sensitive.

Then you got caught lying to your partner about where you were on Tuesday night.

Amid all that, you were on probation at your job because you failed to bring your cat to work on Bring Your Cat to Work Day.

I know you don't have a cat, Leo, and you're terribly allergic to them, but still, it's a national holiday.

And many co-workers found your lack of cat chauvinism to be disrespectful.

But all of that is less important than the harshest criticism of them all.

Which is the brown bear that is upset with you for getting too close to its cubs.

Don't argue with the bear, Leo.

I know you're proud, but nature is deadly serious.

Just remember the old adage about what to do around bears.

If the bear is black, roar back.

Black bears are little scaredy britches who are even worse at taking feedback than you are, Leo.

Now if the bear is brown, just frown.

Brown bears are people pleasers and would feel hurt to know they have caused you distress.

Be careful though.

Brown bears also like to make it all about them.

You'll be thinking, oh wow, this bear is scaring me.

I feel hurt.

And the brown bear will be like, I feel hurt because I hurt you.

Beware the emotional manipulation of brown bears, Leo.

Finally, if the bear is white, you're just dreaming.

There's no such thing as a white bear.

Virgo.

It's time to rearrange the silverware again.

And after that, you probably should start planning the meals you need to cook this week.

You know what else would be useful, Virgo?

Is if you made a schedule of chores for your household.

For instance, you can be in charge of kitchen cleanup, Rachel can do bathrooms, Victoria can handle the garbage and recycling, and Daniel will be tasked with staying quiet and still in his makeshift cage and being more appreciative of you and your roommate's scientific curiosity.

Libra, it's not enough to see right and wrong.

You also must take action.

Stand up for yourself.

Stand up for others, Libra.

For instance, there's a human threatening your cubs.

I know that a human doesn't look like a normal predator, but you're a Libra.

You know good and you know evil.

This confused-looking human is definitely a great evil and you must kill them, Libra.

No one touches your cubs.

No one.

Scorpio.

I've been meaning to text you this week, but time got away from me, Scorpio.

Work's been busy with my new role in station management.

Plus, Carlos and I had to pick up Esteban early from his summer witch camp.

Apparently, he got very good at turning other kids into animals, and some of their parents got all upset.

You know how it is.

Every other parent is terrible at parenting.

Anyway, Carlos and I wanted to host a family barbecue before school starts back.

We're looking at next Saturday afternoon, but we could also do the Sunday after.

Anyway, if you're listening to this, Scorpio, check with Abby and give me a call.

More horoscopes soon.

But first, a return to our popular advice segment.

Hey there, Cecil.

Here's today's letter.

Hey there, Cecil.

So.

I met a woman who's super nice and we've been hanging out a lot.

Ooh, I'm feeling the sparks of romance.

She's new to town, so I've been trying to introduce her around and she's really enjoying everyone in Nightvale.

This has been going on a couple of weeks and I like her.

Like, like, like her.

And I'm doing all these nice things.

And I'm using my shape-shifting abilities to look super handsome and buff.

But I'm not sure the spark is there for her.

Should I just tell her how I feel?

Or will that ruin a nice friendship?

Signed, Lost in Love.

Hey there, Josh.

Um,

hey there, lost in love.

I know this is about the person you met at the festival this summer, and I met her too.

She's very kind and way more muscly than anyone could imagine.

I see why you're attracted to her, and honestly, I don't think there's any harm in telling her how you feel.

But before you do that, ask yourself, what does super handsome mean?

Are you shapeshifting into what you think she would find handsome?

Or is it a look that makes you feel handsome?

Feeling attractive is the first step toward looking attractive.

This might not be the advice you want, kid, but it's the advice you need.

Be yourself, which knowing you, is a pretty great thing.

Let us know how it goes.

Lost in love?

now back to horoscopes Sagittarius

you've got to be kidding me you said that and what did he say he just stood there and took it no comeback no argument mm-hmm mm

that sounds like someone with a guilty conscience don't you think Sagittarius well I let it all settle down for maybe a week before reaching back out to make amends.

You what?

what?

You already called him?

What did you say?

No, you didn't.

You're the worst, Sagittarius.

I kind of love that.

Capricorn.

You can't continue to blame the world for your problems.

No, Capricorn.

Sometimes things just happen that are far beyond anyone's control.

It's like wedding day rainstorms, or unexpectedly heavy traffic when you're you're late for work, or finding thousands of spoons in your knife drawer, or maybe your children go to summer witch camp, and a more talented child magically turned those kids into animals.

Yes, family is important, especially to you, Capricorn.

But you know what else is important?

Adorable forest creatures.

I'm sure there's a reverse spell for this, but can you imagine how much fun your kids will be if they were fluffy little furballs who wobble and fall over when they try to walk?

It's very cute, Capricorn.

Don't begrudge it.

Embrace it.

Aquarius.

You should probably check in with a lawyer.

Your only son might have gotten you and your husband into some hot water, Aquarius.

Let's see.

According to Ask Jeeves, there are three lawyers in your town that specialize in witch law.

Okay, great news.

Real good news, Aquarius.

Maybe whenever you get off work today from your radio show, you should call them and tell them about the situation you're in, or you know what?

Maybe just email them right now.

Why wait?

Pisces.

You're so intuitive.

You're a classic water sign, Pisces, with your ability to sense things in other people that no one else can see.

So, Pisces,

do you think Ronnie Plank, Vivica Johnson, or Tilson Breckinridge III would be the best possible lawyer for me to reach out to?

That Tilson Breckinridge sounds really lawyerly, but maybe if we're doing Witch Law, I want a more down-to-earth sounding gal like Ronnie Plank.

Oh,

oh, Vivica Johnson has the cutest website.

There's a little spider wearing a pointy hat and riding a broom, and the speech bubble above it says, Bubble bubble, toil and trouble, I'll get your settlement on the double.

I love it.

So help me pick the right lawyer, Pisces.

Quick, though, I get off work really soon.

While Pisces figures that out, let's have a public service announcement from local archaeology professor and religious leader of some kind, Harrison Kip.

Hill, are you lost in life?

Have you forgotten your one true purpose?

Well, we haven't.

No, sir, we're as happy as clams in a clam's casino, just pulling down jackpot after jackpot, trip sevens, three cherries, whatever metaphor you want to use, that's us.

And we're here for you whenever you feel lost.

There's no judgment, no atonement, no grovelin', just good old fashioned community, rejoicing in a life beyond our human comprehension, celebrating the kind of God who who truly loves us no matter what.

Them other gods, they cause a lot of pain, have a lot of rules, and sure do require a lot of studying old books that were written by fault-ridden sacks of meat just like you and me.

But our religion has a book written by an infallible being from beyond our mortal plane.

This text was found 10 years ago in a dorm room at Nightvale Community College, next to a copy of Richard Branson's autobiography, a bobblehead of Alan Iverson, and a stale nugget of marijuana.

As professor of archaeology, I can attest to this document's authenticity.

I know that a college dorm room doesn't sound as sacred as the Dead Sea or ancient Mesopotamia or upstate New York, but as our holy text clearly states, this is a real religion.

That's the first line of the whole book.

So join our congregation.

Maybe bring some friends, too.

We're running a bit low on flesh offerings to our loving but very hungry God.

Well, see y'all there.

That's it.

Where do they meet?

When?

What's the name of.

Who should they.

Let's just get back to horoscopes.

Aries.

Like I said to you yesterday, I didn't teach him witchcraft.

He just really loves shaping sticks into stars and hanging sacks of bird parts above a circle of candles.

I know you're a man of science, Aries, and this is tough for you.

Maybe someday our son will be really into math and physics and all that, but right now,

He really likes wearing cloaks and sitting in dark corners with his back facing the room while mumbling in Latin.

I think it's just a, it's a gen alpha thing, like saying no cap and being on the World Wide Web.

Anyway, let's talk when I get home, Aries, about how to handle our son's current situation.

Taurus.

Be patient.

I know that's difficult for you hard-headed types, Taurus, but if you can learn to bide your time to wait your turn, you'll receive great things.

Such great things are in store for you, Taurus.

Just hang on while I write this email to one of the lawyers.

Pisces told me Vivica was the way to go and that she seemed like the most compassionate option.

And I trust a Pisces intuition more than I trust anyone else's.

So just hold your horses, Taurus.

Okay.

Okay, there.

Email sent.

And now, Taurus, let's have a look at your horoscope.

Picturing that you were dead's the only way to cope with my head But it never lasted long, you never let me live with you gone Crying in my baby's arms She tells me she doesn't know how to shoot a gun But if she did I never have to think about you anymore And you come home mad again It's always something I could never mend You crack your medicine, you step towards me And I start to defend you hold me in your arms, and then you let me be.

I wait for you to fall asleep so I can sit comfortably.

And you

take what you want,

and you slam the door in my face when I resist.

You picture my head

staying put while the door is

your hand.

Stay in foot while the door is your hand.

Walking a few steps ahead, you bolt and leave me stranded in the dark.

I find you finally say that I should have just kept up a sigh.

And I lie and say that I'm fine.

I wait for you to fall asleep so I can cry comfortably.

And you take what he wants.

And you slam the door in my face when I resist.

You make sure my hands

stay in for it while the door is your hand.

Stay in for it while the door is your hand.

And I wanted to hurt you back and I sit down, whisper it note.

Try to find the upper hand so I could bend it until it broke.

But there was nothing I could say that would grab you by the throat.

Except that I am not afraid of you anymore.

And here I call

you warning.

And you slam the door in my face.

Can I resist?

Picture

your head

rolling on

to dead end.

Rolling off

to dead end.

Rolling off to the dead.

Rolling

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you, it lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, KrakenRum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies so you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com.

Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

Gemini.

You're facing a real conundrum and this is hard for you.

I know you like puzzles, Gemini, but you're not really a problem solver, and you've got a tough one to figure out.

So, you see that Leo over there getting mauled by that brown bear.

Yep, that, that brown bear.

She thinks she's your mom.

Yeah, she's doing that to protect you and your brothers, her sweet little twin cubs.

But you're not really her babies.

You're a couple of human kids.

who were turned into bears by a very talented boy at witch camp this summer.

And And while it's fun to be a couple of bear cubs for a bit, you are realizing just now, Gemini, that being bears means bearing great responsibility.

Pun masterfully intended.

So,

remember how that Leo was just checking his phone hoping to figure out how to get back to the designated hiking trail?

And you remember how you approached that human Leo and played all coy and cute?

He knew not to get near bear cubs, but you started to frolic and play.

Well, that angry bear, she's not really being her true Libra self today,

and she's acting out of rash anger, all because her horoscope told her to.

Maybe, Gemini, if you were to step in and explain this whole thing to the mama bear, you could save that Leo's life.

And then point the bear to her actual cubs, which have broken into the campgrounds and eaten all of the lox-flavored rice krispie treats.

Do that for the stars.

Okay,

Gemini?

Finally, Cancer.

Today would be a great day for you to show off that empathy you're so known for.

In fact, Cancer, I'd love it if you took my case.

I really need your legal advice so I don't get sued by angry Capricorn parents.

Okay, so I have an idea.

Hear me out, Cancer.

What if instead of turning their kids back into human children, we turned the parents into bears?

Who wouldn't want to be a family of intimidating woodland beasts, able to climb trees with ease and kill prey with a single swipe, but also be gentle creatures that look so sweet and huggable?

What do you think, Cancer?

Yeah?

Great.

I'll talk to Esteban about it first thing after work.

He's really into this witchcraft hobby, and if the parents are willing to settle, I'm happy to throw in all the salmon burgers they can eat.

I've got a supply closet full of them.

Thank you, Cancer, and let me know how it goes with Capricorn.

Well, listeners, stay tuned next for a bubbling cauldron and a muttered Latin chant.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams.

Sound design and production by Disparition.

The voice of Harrison Kipp was Jeffrey Craner.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All that can be found at disparition.net.

This episode's horoscope was Door is In Your Hand by Adult Mom.

Find out more at the link in our show notes and see Adult Mom live on tour with us this September.

Tickets on sale now.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Blue Sky at Night Vale Radio or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Night Vale Official.

Or I don't know, don't do any of that.

It's up to you.

But mainly check out welcometonightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

Today's proverb: you only get one life.

Wouldn't it be hilarious if you pretended to be awesome at it?

Your sausage mimuffin' with egg didn't change.

Your receipt did.

The sausage mcmuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5.

Only at McDonald's for a limited time.

Prices and participation may vary.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcome to nightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.