277 - Locked Library Mystery

Speaker 1 Welcome to Night Vale has a lot of really amazing merch, and it's all at welcometonightvale.com.

Speaker 1 And you click on store, we've got t-shirts, leggings, blankets, stickers, posters, mugs, bags, holiday carts, throw pillows, blankets, etc., etc. Oh, ugly Christmas sweaters, whatever you need.

Speaker 1 Even if you've been to our merch store before, it's different now. We're constantly taking down old things and putting up new things.

Speaker 1 So, if something looks pretty dope to you, get it soon because who knows if it'll be there for long. I'm really right now, I just got a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 1 I'm really enjoying my mutated vegetable tea towel designed by Jessica Hayworth, my University of What It Is sweatshirt, and of course, my Moonlight All-Night Diner coffee mug.

Speaker 1 Plus, we have dozens more things for you or someone you love for the holidays or just on a lark. Go to welcometonightvele.com and click on store.

Speaker 2 This episode is brought to you by Indeed. Stop waiting around for the perfect candidate.
Instead, use Indeed sponsored jobs to find the right people with the right skills fast.

Speaker 2 It's a simple way to make sure your listing is the first candidate seed. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs have four times more applicants than non-sponsored jobs.

Speaker 2 So go build your dream team today with Indeed. Get a $75 sponsored job credit at Indeed.com slash podcast.
Terms and conditions apply.

Speaker 5 We've got gifting all wrapped up at Sephora. Gift more and spend less with our value sets.
Packed with the best makeup, skincare fragrances, and hair care they'll love.

Speaker 5 This year's Showstopper gift sets are bursting with beauty products from Rare Beauty, Summer Fridays, Glossier, Amica, and so much more. Shop holiday gifts at Sephora.com and give something beautiful.

Speaker 4 Hello, Joseph here. Hope your Halloween went great.
My daughter was Alphaba from Wicked, and she was very cute.

Speaker 4 Quick notes, we just finished a live tour last night, but we have one more of the West Coast and the western half of the country in January.

Speaker 4 So if you live live out there look us up the holiday season is coming up and we have a store bursting with great gifts including a new bumper sticker that meg has been asking me to make for years and an all smiles eve sweatshirt to spread that holiday fear or you could get one of our nightvale novels there are three of them they all rule and you can get them wherever you get books or if you don't believe in things that exist on the physical plane, a Patreon membership, which will give them a year of all sorts of extra stuff from us.

Speaker 4 Plus, it will help the show continue to exist. Finally, if you haven't heard Megan Eye's new podcast, The Best Worst, check it out.

Speaker 4 We've been having a blast making it, and personally, I think it's good. The best worst, wherever you listen to podcasts.

Speaker 4 Okay, sit back, relax, unless you're on a run, in which case, keep running and enjoy the show.

Speaker 3 Don't let your problems get you down.

Speaker 3 Hey, I said don't let them.

Speaker 3 Are you even listening to me? Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 3 Listeners, there has been a murder. Now, obviously, this is big news, but first, let's look at some of today's top headlines.

Speaker 3 The Ralphs will be extending its hours in November so that we can all stock up for Turkey Day, as every staff member at Ralphs is forced to call it.

Speaker 3 I hope the weather is good on Turkey Day, they'll mumble to you. Any big plans for Turkey Day? They'll groan, not meeting your eyes.

Speaker 3 And if you say Thanksgiving to them, they are forced to correct you. I think you mean Turkey Day, they'll wail, tears streaming down their cheeks.

Speaker 3 That's just the fun little way we like to refer to it, they'll croak, with throats gone raw from screaming.

Speaker 3 Anyway, the routes will be open to 11 in November, so be sure to get in there and shop for any day you want, turkey or otherwise.

Speaker 3 Also, there have been booms and flashing lights from the old missile range, just before the vanishing point of the horizon, that desolate stretch where the government used to test weapons back in the 50s.

Speaker 3 The government says that this time, it's not them. Nah, the government said through a coded message in the television static that only very attuned people could receive.
No way, they said.

Speaker 3 We would never do something like shoot missiles off near a town. Couldn't be us.
Frankly, insulting that you would even suggest it.

Speaker 3 The lights seen at the old missile range have been a cool green and a flickering yellow. The sounds have come as deep booms and hot little pops.
Who knows what's happening there?

Speaker 3 Not my job to find out. I'm just a journalist.

Speaker 3 Okay, the important stuff out of the way. Let's get to the murder.
The angel formerly known as Marcus Vanston was killed today in the private library of his estate.

Speaker 3 Marcus was once the richest richest man in town until he transformed into an angel, and then he became the richest angel in town.

Speaker 3 He used his fortune, among other things, to buy Strexkorp Synernists Inc. and also to fund some much-needed repairs to the Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex.

Speaker 3 The cause of death is not known, but the body was found surrounded by the following objects. A venomous snake, dead.

Speaker 3 A ceremonial dagger recovered 10 years ago from an archaeological site in Lufnarp, a length of rope tied into the knot known as the devil's handshake, and a book of dirty limericks with every fourth word circled, and a handwritten note that said, it is finished on the last page.

Speaker 3 The other angels expressed shock for two reasons. The first is that Marcus's library had been locked securely from the inside, as it always was during what Marcus referred to as me time,

Speaker 3 in which he sat in a large throne in his private library and laughed about how much money he had.

Speaker 3 There was no sign of forced entry on the door or windows, and no sign that a ghost or sentient haze passed through the walls. The second reason is they had no idea that angels could die.

Speaker 3 The angels, all named Erica, huddled in a chattering mass near the crime scene, saying things like, what could possibly kill an angel?

Speaker 3 And, does that mean that I too will someday die, but I don't want that to happen? That's not fair.

Speaker 3 The Sheriff's Secret Police currently have no suspects, but have assured the public that they will as soon as they can make all the evidence look right.

Speaker 3 But more interestingly, I received a call from former mayor of Nightvale, Dana Cardinal.

Speaker 6 Cecil.

Speaker 6 I have reason to believe that this murder is not just about the death of one angel.

Speaker 6 I think that this murder is related to a secret, a secret that forces in Night Vale have worked to keep hidden for centuries.

Speaker 6 We must solve this case, for to solve this case is to learn something profound about this place we live, and perhaps about ourselves.

Speaker 6 And also because the person or persons who murdered Marcus are still out there, and I believe they will strike again, and soon.

Speaker 6 I'm reaching out to the best detectives in the business, hoping one will take my case. I'll let you know how it goes.

Speaker 6 Also, long time no see.

Speaker 3 I hope you're good or whatever.

Speaker 3 I have been meaning to give Dana a call.

Speaker 3 I really should get to that.

Speaker 3 But more importantly, what if Dana is right? I'm glad she is getting an experienced detective here.

Speaker 3 All the best to the sheriff's secret police, who are great if you need something covered up or a convenient patsy pinned for a crime, but they just don't really have what it takes to, you know,

Speaker 3 actually use evidence to come up with a solution.

Speaker 3 More on this soon.

Speaker 3 But first, a word from our sponsors.

Speaker 3 Today's show is brought to you by Little Roy's Handcrafted Potato Chips. We're just a small family business making the potato chips we love.
And we hope you love them too.

Speaker 3 Our story is simple. Roy Little, nickname Little Roy, was always making his special potato chips for family parties.
And everyone always said, Roy, you could sell these.

Speaker 3 And so Roy did. And thus, the Little Roy's hand-crafted potato chip story was born.
Little Roy's hand-crafted potato chips are proudly owned by Munco,

Speaker 3 owner of Matilda's proper potato chips, the Kerr Family Handcrafted Chip Company, and Doritos.

Speaker 3 Munco is in turn a proud subsidiary of Lucid Corp, a family of companies that includes everything from paper towels to dog food to, that's right, Kraft Family Potato Chips.

Speaker 3 If you can buy it in a grocery store, we own it. And so, in some tiny important way, we own you.

Speaker 3 Lucid Corp is a a proud holding of Spectre Investments International.

Speaker 3 We are a small, family-owned conglomerate who takes great care with groceries and laptops and fighter jacks and publishing companies and all the other things we control.

Speaker 3 Honestly, sometimes even we forget. So try Little Roy's Handcrafted Potato Chips.
Little Roy died three years ago. No one from any of those companies came to his funeral.
Potato chips made with love.

Speaker 3 This has been a word from our sponsors.

Speaker 3 And now, traffic.

Speaker 3 Sometimes, I think about my heart.

Speaker 3 This tiny muscle that just has to keep going and going for as long as I do.

Speaker 3 Through my happiest moments, as I slip the ring on my husband's hand, As Esteban looked up for the first time at me with his tiny, wondering eyes and reached up to pull my hair.

Speaker 3 At my lowest moments, when I say something to Carlos during a fight and I didn't mean it, but I know I've gone too far. And he'll forgive me, sure, that's what a marriage is.

Speaker 3 An ongoing celebration and an ongoing forgiveness, but the hurt will stick somewhere, just a little, and I'll never be able to take it back.

Speaker 3 When I used to run in circles around the lawn as a child, imagining stories longer and more complex than any novel, a continuous imaginary life running parallel to my real one.

Speaker 3 When I sat by my mother's bed in the hospital and understood that this was the shape of the rest of her life, that it wasn't going to get better, just different shades of bad.

Speaker 3 Through all of this, my heart beat. and beat

Speaker 3 and it cannot stop, just as I cannot stop. Because sometimes I am exhausted, and sometimes I am floating in a reverie,

Speaker 3 and sometimes I am so in love, and sometimes I want to close my eyes and sit in a dark, quiet room for the rest of my life.

Speaker 3 But I have to keep going and going for as long as I can, just like a heart, just like my heart.

Speaker 3 This has been Traffic.

Speaker 3 Another update from Dana. Let me just patch that in.

Speaker 3 Is it this button? Oh, nope, that one turns on the blender.

Speaker 3 I have no idea why we have one of those in the radio booth. Okay, this is the right one.

Speaker 6 I have tried reaching out to every detective I can think of, but mostly I can't even get through to their offices.

Speaker 6 Phone connections from here to the rest of the world are fuzzy and scattershot at best.

Speaker 6 I did get through to a pair called Lou and Molly in Los Angeles.

Speaker 6 They had some very good online reviews, but Molly politely told me that they are being pursued by a dangerous criminal in a thrilling game of cat and mouse, and so their calendar is currently full.

Speaker 6 I also got a hold of an amateur detective named Keisha, who had, frankly, a fantastic voice.

Speaker 6 She has a lot of experience with the weird and the wild out there on the back road corners of our country, but she says that she is unavailable.

Speaker 6 It seems she recently received a weird phone call and needs to go back out on those roads to investigate. A brand new adventure, she said.
A new chapter in the tale of my life.

Speaker 6 I don't know what that meant, but it was kind of TMI, and so I hung up.

Speaker 6 This is all really disappointing.

Speaker 3 That is disappointing, but if anyone can figure this out, it's Dana, my close friend who I really need to call for the first time in years.

Speaker 3 But first, the community calendar.

Speaker 3 Monday is the Global Dining Festival at Grove Park, presented by the Nightvale Culinary Society.

Speaker 3 Society President Audrey Grimes explained, We've sampled the best and worst of what Nightvale has to offer, but we want to also be thinking globally. That's why we decided to dine on the globe.

Speaker 3 On the earth itself.

Speaker 3 She smiled. Her eyes were empty wells.
Bit by bit, she said, we will eat the globe, the whole of it. We will taste everything it has to offer.
You cannot stop us.

Speaker 3 She then dropped onto all fours and started biting the earth. mouthfuls of grass and then soil.
She looked up at me with those empty eyes, dirt smeared on her chin and tongue, and growled.

Speaker 3 So check that event out. Regular tickets are $15 and VIP tickets are $30.

Speaker 3 VIP attendees will be put in a big glass box labeled, Look at These Rich Idiots, for everyone to laugh at during the event.

Speaker 3 Tuesday, my son, Esteban, will be presenting a magic show on our front lawn. He's only a kid, so please be nice.
This is his first public performance.

Speaker 3 He will be doing some simple simple coin and card tricks and attempting to make contact with the dead who wait for us just beyond the veil. Apparently, this is all stuff he learned in Witch Camp.

Speaker 3 Anyway, please show up. It'd be nice if he got a crowd.
And who knows? You might get to glimpse that terrible nothing that awaits us all.

Speaker 3 Wednesday will be the reckoning.

Speaker 3 No more information has been provided, but the city council did suggest wearing a helmet and protective gear.

Speaker 3 Thursday is a block party thrown by the Desert Creek HOA, who recently knocked down all houses and moved the residents into rudimentary homes built into the earth.

Speaker 3 This block party will have shivering, fires in big metal barrels, and a woman grabbing at your collar while weeping. Also, hot dogs.
Come on down.

Speaker 3 Friday believes in you and thinks you can become better.

Speaker 3 Friday will love you no matter what, but needs you to try for your sake, if not for its sake.

Speaker 3 Saturday is a little lie we tell ourselves to get us through the week.

Speaker 3 And on Sunday, Lieutenant Regis of Unit 7 of the local National Guard station and KFC combo store will be stepping out onto his dusty porch and settling down into a rocking chair that hasn't rocked since one of the legs broke a few years back.

Speaker 3 He'll breathe slowly through his nose and stare at an ant that will cross the sand in front of his station.

Speaker 3 He will feel a longing so tangible that he will be able to locate it physically in his throat. The longing will sit there, almost choking him, but his face will remain placid.

Speaker 3 The ant will disappear into the sand. Eventually, Regis will return into the station.
Time will pass, some of it good and some of it bad. Mistakes will be made and some of them will not be fixable.

Speaker 3 A bird will perch on the roof, make one sharp and beautiful sound, and fly away.

Speaker 3 This has been the community calendar.

Speaker 3 Dana called again.

Speaker 3 Let's go to her now.

Speaker 3 Ah, okay. That was the button that released the bats.
Uh, uh, wish I hadn't pressed that. Um,

Speaker 3 this is the right one here.

Speaker 6 I have tried detective after detective, but they all say things like, I don't know where Night Vale is, or I think you're prank calling me, or please stop prank calling me.

Speaker 6 It's infuriating. I need their help, but they will not offer it.

Speaker 6 And so, I have come to a decision. I know what we must do next.

Speaker 6 We are in trouble, have no doubt of that. But we are a strong and strange city.
And I know that this turmoil also we shall weather.

Speaker 6 Sometimes I see nothing in people.

Speaker 6 Here is the church and here is the steeple. You're sending me an invite to a networking event.

Speaker 6 I'm in your building and I'm drawing through the vents.

Speaker 6 I am a product of time and motion.

Speaker 6 I know the best spot for beer in Brooklyn.

Speaker 6 I'm in the garden and I'm eating all the dirt.

Speaker 6 I get hurt.

Speaker 6 There's a guy in the subway on the saxophone.

Speaker 6 He's got nothing waiting for him back at home. He sees a big green bean star blocking the sky.
I got my foot in the door. He's got his foot in the door.

Speaker 6 I got a barbecue Bible and southern charm. I've got the skin in the game, but none on my arm.
I'm at the funeral of home, trying not to flirt.

Speaker 6 I get burnt.

Speaker 6 Chandelier comes down, did you bring it up, bullet? She went back to the bag with the guy with the mullet. Chandelier comes down, did you bring it up bulletin?

Speaker 6 She went back to the bag with the guy with the mullet. I get the real bag, like a shark attack.

Speaker 6 I close my night, I go back to black. Chandelier comes down.
Did you bring it up for this wind back to the night? With the grain of the height, gently comes down. It's cool

Speaker 6 and

Speaker 6 blood.

Speaker 6 Gently comes down. Can't you bring it up? But I don't want you

Speaker 6 looking back at night. Like it's not

Speaker 6 my clothes my night.

Speaker 6 Can't you bring it up? Let's win back

Speaker 6 I get hurt.

Speaker 6 I get hurt.

Speaker 6 I get hurt.

Speaker 7 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies just to see if you could save some cash? Well, Progressive makes it easy.

Speaker 7 Just drop in some details about yourself and see if you're eligible to save money when you bundle your home and auto policies.

Speaker 7 The process only takes minutes and it could mean hundreds more in your pocket. Visit progressive.com after this episode to see if you could save.
Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Speaker 7 Potential savings will vary, not available in all states.

Speaker 8 The all-new 2026 Hyundai Palisade Hybrid doesn't just turn heads, it commands respect.

Speaker 8 With its stunning exterior, luxurious interior with available captain seats, and spacious third-row seating and equipped with advanced technology, you and the family are making a statement before you even step out.

Speaker 3 Okay, Hyundai!

Speaker 8 Visit HyundaiUSA.com to learn more and experience the all-new 2026 Palisade Hybrid Today.

Speaker 3 The secret police have left Marcus Vanston's Manor. The grounds are sealed with police tape.
Long shadows grow into darkness in its halls and its parlors.

Speaker 3 The sharp squawk of a radio from the single patrol car left to watch over the scene echoes through the sprawling gardens.

Speaker 3 Marcus himself has been transported to the morgue, where an autopsy was performed.

Speaker 3 However, the coroner said that the autopsy did not turn up much useful information, as when he cut open the body of the angel, the angel was full of stars.

Speaker 3 A sweep of deep space, full of glittering stars, and an entire universe I could have fallen into and started a new life, I believe, as a new person, washed clean of all sin and regret accrued in this imperfect vessel of mine,

Speaker 3 the official autopsy report read.

Speaker 3 The report then had a drawing of a crack opening onto a field of stars, indicating by the frantic stabbing of little dots into the paper with a pencil, some so hard that the paper ripped all the way through.

Speaker 3 Interesting, but doesn't seem to give us much new information on the case.

Speaker 3 Fortunately, Dana has once again called in.

Speaker 3 And I think you're going going to want to hear this. Let me just

Speaker 3 No, not again!

Speaker 3 You would think I would have gotten it by now. Sorry, it's this button.

Speaker 3 No!

Speaker 3 No, that was the blender again.

Speaker 3 It's this one.

Speaker 6 Hello, Cecil.

Speaker 6 I have made a decision.

Speaker 6 We cannot get a detective to come to our town and solve our mystery for us.

Speaker 6 And so we have no choice. We must solve this mystery ourselves.

Speaker 6 I will act as detective. I have no training, no innate skill in the arts of detection, but I do have a determination.

Speaker 6 I know that we must understand what happened here, or any one of us could be the next to die.

Speaker 6 And so, I will examine the clues. I will interview the witnesses.
I will come to some kind of solution, or I will fall in failing.

Speaker 6 This locked room mystery must be solved,

Speaker 6 and I will be the one to do it.

Speaker 3 And so, there you have it. Everything's fine.
Dana's on it.

Speaker 3 Hopefully no one else gets murdered while she's solving it. That'd be a real bummer.

Speaker 3 I'm very proud of what my former intern has accomplished. She fought off her own double with a stapler.
She became mayor of Nightvale.

Speaker 3 Confronted an army of doubles come to get their revenge, and now she's getting into private investigation. Ah, all really exciting stuff.

Speaker 3 Anyone looking to follow her footsteps and join the intern program, please stop by the station to fill out an application and do the required 10-day boot camp.

Speaker 3 Stay to next for a man saying stay to next for a man saying stay to next.

Speaker 3 For a man saying stay to next, for a man saying stay to next, for a man saying stay to next, for a man saying stay to next, stay to next.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams.
Sound design and production by Disparition.

Speaker 2 The voice of Dana is Josica Nicole. The voice of Nightvale Vale is Cecil Baldwin.
Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.net.

Speaker 2 This episode's weather was I Get Hurt by Victor Jones. Find out more at the link in our show notes.

Speaker 2 Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Blue Sky at Nightvale Radio or on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Night Vale Official.

Speaker 2 Or try to tell which of these videos are AI, each time feeling your soul get a little smaller.

Speaker 2 But mainly, check out welcometonightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you. Please sign up.
We like talking to you.

Speaker 2 Today's proverb, half off today. Yep, today ends at noon.
It's a huge savings.

Speaker 4 Hi, we're Meg Bashwiner and Joseph Fink of Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 2 And on our new show, The Best Worst, we explore the golden age of television.

Speaker 4 To do that, we're watching the IMDb viewer-rated best and worst episodes of classic TV shows.

Speaker 2 The episode of Star Trek, where Beverly Crusher has sex with a ghost. The episode of the X-Files, where Scully gets attacked by a vicious house cat.

Speaker 4 And also, the really good episodes, too.

Speaker 2 What can we learn from the best and worst of great television? Like, for example, is it really a bad episode, or do people just hate women?

Speaker 4 The best, worst, available wherever you get your podcasts.