256 - The Book of Lost Things

and I don't just write Welcome to Nightville, we also write books that are not about Nightville, and here are some of them.

Alice Isn't Dead, a lesbian road trip horror love story for fans of Stephen King.

The Halloween Moon, my book for kids of any age about a Halloween where things really start to get weird for everyone.

The First 10 Years, a memoir from me and my wife about our relationship told year by year without consulting each other about our differences in memory.

And from Jeffrey, You Feel It Just Below the Ribs, an apocalyptic novel that takes place in the same universe as the Within the Wires podcast.

No matter what you're looking for, we've written a book just for you.

Find them where you find books.

Okay, bye.

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Don't yuck anyone's yum.

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Don't golly-G anyone's gee willakers.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Harrison Kip, archaeology professor at the Nightvale Community College and head

Arbiter of the local ritual mound, is in the studio with me today.

It seems today is the Feast of the Rattlings, which is a celebration held by his...

uh

place of worship.

I don't really know much about his religion.

He'll be by soon, but first, today's headlines.

Local entrepreneur Ryan LaFleur has announced that his ride-sharing app, Detour, has been purchased in a private deal by an unnamed tech firm.

Detour stood out in its field by having its cars driven by ghosts, which was a unique experience and really lowered costs as ghosts can legally be paid under minimum wage due to a loophole in labor law that the dead local 469 has been working for years to fix.

Of course, there were downsides to the business.

as it had to shut down all operations recently due to several deaths from vengeful ghosts and phantoms.

But now Ryan the Floor has come out on top with a reported billion-dollar purchase instantly making him the second richest person in town, behind the angel investor Marcus Erika Vanston.

Ryan's mother, Madeline LaFleur, reportedly said, oh great, now he's going to get a big head.

An indication of a family dynamic that I frankly don't love.

Little information has been released about the future of Detour and the identity of the company that purchased it.

But I will let you know as soon as I hear anything, as always.

In other news, a spaceship crashed out in the wastelands, spewing forth spindly creatures of impossible size and description.

So, if you lost a spaceship recently, please do go collect it.

It's made a real mess.

Finally, the John Peters Imaginary Corn Maze Experience has been shut down due to selling snow cones to underage teens.

The sheriff issued a statement saying, we take responsible vending seriously in this town.

And while John Peters, you know, the farmer, he's a well-liked citizen, but we witnessed him giving a cherry snow cone to a child as young as 15, and we cannot let that kind of disregard for controlled substances slide.

John Peters denied serving underage customers, saying, well, dang it, you can't expect me to check the ID of every so-and-so asking for a blue raspberry freezy treat.

That's just un-American.

Anyone who has already bought tickets for the corn maze will be refunded within 8 to 15 years.

And now let's get to today's special guest.

Welcome, Harrison Kip.

Howdy, Cecil.

Wow, your radio studio looks mighty fine today.

Well, thank you for noticing.

I did my annual spring clean recently.

I got a little busy, so it's not quite spring anymore, but what I figure is close enough.

I couldn't agree more.

I'm currently trying to agree more, and it's just not working.

Yep, this is the maximum amount I can agree.

Well, I've got a special surprise for your listeners today.

Today is an important day in my faith.

You see, 100 years ago, a young woman strode out into the desert and listened to a voice.

The voice told her a story and she wrote down that story, a sacred text, straight from the ether.

And then she died and was forgotten.

Then, five years ago, I found her book, and we started a nice little social group around reading it and doing charitable works and midnight sacrifices and such.

To celebrate our five-year anniversary, I brought our sacred text so you could read it on the air.

And here it is: the Book of Lost Things.

We don't usually do stuff like that.

there's rules about separation of church and radio or something along those lines i don't remember the details this is a big privilege we're granting you here cecil why you would be the first outsider allowed to gaze upon these blessed pages it would be the height of rudeness to refuse and our religion has a rather strict policy on rudeness rather strict what is your religion's name again you should read from the Book of Lost Things, chapter 15, verse 3 is a particular favorite of mine.

Okay.

Well, listeners, here it is.

And lo,

did the shepherd gaze at the sheep and think, wait, are those sheep?

Because the sheep looked different than they had the night before, and didn't exactly look like what the shepherd thought sheep looked like.

But then the shepherd had never really thought about what sheep looked like, had never catalogued them visually, had only accepted them as a static part of life.

And the shepherd could see now that this had perhaps been a matter of overconfidence on his part.

And he began to grow worried about what else he had incorrectly always assumed was a matter of common sense.

While he worried over this, the things that were not sheep crept ever closer.

And soon he was devoured whole.

Thus is it always to those who overthink.

This has been a reading from the Book of Lost Things.

Amen.

And may you forever have items in your life that you can't quite find.

Hallelujah.

Interesting.

Well, Harrison, I have the rest of the show to get to.

Fine with me.

I'll be right here.

Oh.

Uh, okay.

And now for today's horoscopes.

Aquarius.

You will meet a beautiful woman.

She will be the bank teller when you're depositing your check.

She's at work.

Just be professional about your interaction and get on with your day, please.

Aries.

I see a lot of adventures in your future.

Running, jumping, fleeing, scrambling, hiding.

So many different fun activities.

Cancer.

You know how they say you should floss the teeth you want to keep?

Well, please note that the adage does say want to keep and not will keep.

Sorry.

Capricorn.

The answer to your next five questions are no, yes, shellfish, who's asking, and Herald.

Just saving you some time here.

Gemini.

Listen up.

Look down.

Feel side to side.

Taste forward.

Smell backwards.

Leo.

I don't mean to be rude, but your horoscope is bumming me out, and it would be great for everyone if you had a more fun and cheerful life.

Have some consideration.

Pisces.

There are two wolves inside of you.

This is not a metaphor.

You require urgent medical care.

Sagittarius.

Hey, I don't have anything for you today, but but the stars do want you to tell your friend Darius that they think he's cute and is he seeing anyone right now?

No pressure.

Scorpio.

You're a good husband and a great brother-in-law, even if you've seemed a little stressed at work lately.

They don't appreciate you enough there.

Taurus.

You've been trapped in this town for years now, living out events that you yourself are dreaming up.

Bummer.

And finally, Virgo.

It's a stick figure drawing of someone chewing their own leg off.

That could mean anything, though.

This has been the horoscopes.

Those were great.

Good job, Cecil.

Oh, thank you, Harrison.

Next, we have an important announcement from the Night Vale Medical Board.

It appears there has been a concerning rise in the instances of...

Yeah, that sounds important, but we do have even more important stuff to get to first no dessert until you've eaten your vegetables in this metaphor the dessert is news of a possible medical emergency yep and the vegetables is that most sacred of texts the book of lost things boy i cannot wait to hear your beautiful voice being made even more beautiful by speaking these holy words you know There's always a concerning rise in something anyway, so sure.

Let's read your text.

The Book of Lost Things chapter 1 verse 8.

Why now?

Why anytime?

Why should it not be now?

Why do you think you get to ask why?

Why does the question why hold so much importance to you?

If you could ever know why, If that were ever even a question that held a singular answer, and if you were deemed worthy of knowing that answer, what would you then do with that information?

Would you find some practical use in it?

Or is the why you are always mueling about merely a bit of stray curiosity, a feeling that if a fact exists, then you must therefore get to know it?

Is that what's going on with you?

Why don't you just knock it off?

How about that?

Just knock it off for even one second.

This has been a reading from the Book of Lost Things.

Tough but fair, that book.

Let's have a look at traffic.

There is a slight backup on Saguaro Drive as a man has gotten out of his car in the middle of the road and is approaching people brandishing a small pebble.

Have you heard my podcast?

He is asking as he shows them the pebble.

It's true crime, he says, indicating the pebble.

Check it out!

Moving down the road, he flagged down a passing trucker who was just trying to take a load of refrigerators to our local best-buy.

Please rate and review my podcast on iTunes, the man said, waving his pebble frantically at the truck driver.

It really helps us out!

The truck driver finally managed to inch past the man, who chased after him for several blocks with the Pebble calling out, my podcast once won a Webby, and the Guardian called it, okay for background listening, before the man's voice was finally lost amongst distance and wind.

Stay safe out there.

This has been The Traffic.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Today's show is sponsored by your local friendly ritual mound.

No, it's Chick-fil-A.

Come on by any time of day or night and someone will be doing something interesting at your local ritual mound.

I guarantee it.

That's not what the ad copy says.

It clearly says that there is no human meat in Chick-fil-A's sandwiches.

Guaranteed.

Although that guarantee does not apply retroactively, legally, we do have to emphasize that.

Your local ritual mound is more than a place of worship.

Sure, it's that too, but it's also a place of friendship and love and blood sports.

Sweet teas are now half the price and a quarter of the size?

Your local friendly ritual mound.

Chick-fil-A.

Blood for the blood god.

Oh, weird.

was the slogan for Chick-fil-A too.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Say, Harrison, while we're here, let's play a little get-to-know-you game.

Rapid-fire question style.

Are you ready?

Sure am.

Favorite food?

Onions.

Favorite band?

Stan Beaufort's Carolina Jazz Band.

They do weddings and such.

Great swing to them.

Worst childhood trauma.

Oh.

Almost certainly having to go into the cave.

Right?

Having to go into the cave is the worst, but we all have to do it.

Okay.

Favorite kind of weather.

Weather?

Yeah.

Favorite kind.

I don't know what that is.

You know, the weather.

Not ringing a bell.

Sounds like this.

She got bangs and I got sober.

I think you'd get along.

If you were here to get to know her, you'd understand

why I say this.

Machine used to kill fascists back in the day.

But freaks got bad So I finally saw a shrink who said I need to relax Using Xenics instead of weed Made up childhood dramas Frogger, this is our ass Out while staring at a phone No

time I know you'd understand

why

I never went back inside

I'm buried in bullshit, locked in a system Of scamming each other as if love's only path in my gym Virtue signaling the way out of an age where we're forced to compete against each other for instill some wind.

But this machine used to kill fascists, it used to be a means of liberation from the hegemony.

Now it's accessory, rebellion for your identity that you purchase from the counterculture industry.

Oh, I know you know what everything

is.

It's our work hard, play hard until we're done.

It seems to work for everyone just fine.

But if there's no higher purpose, I'm working towards.

And what have I been doing this whole time?

Oh, you would understand

why I see the signs of the end

and a new about

mid complex coming in

Yellow, the pain will stop when you give in

Put the marquee outside the church cells

Don't give up while the miracles unravel in

And there's a vacant light by the sea

Suspending disbelief indefinitely

It drugs with me and solidarity

She cut the bangs and I cut the record and I wrote to your mouth Unsure if it upset or got I sent her the pictures for my last pride I still can't get anyone to tell me how you died But I understand

why

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veeep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where you talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Oh, the weather.

Well, I'd say the Beatles.

Great.

I feel like we all know you a lot better.

A final reading from The Book of Lost Things.

The final chapter, the final verse.

A yo-yo that rolled behind the bed when you were four, not found until you had graduated from college and your parents turned the room into a home gym when it was finally thrown away.

A cat that thought it had found a new adventure but instead found unfamiliar territory.

A tree whose bark held a cure for cancer, the final of its species cut down and burnt for pasture land.

in 2006.

The Honda Civic you had when you were 19, the one you had your first real kiss in, passed through a chain of other owners now sitting dusty and undriven in a stranger's front yard.

The exact words your grandmother said.

The day she spoke to you as one adult to another with an honesty and a directness you found so frightening.

that you couldn't quite absorb what she was trying to communicate to you.

And she never tried again.

Miles of your fingernails.

Millions of your brain cells.

A feeling of invincibility.

A feeling of your life as the road ahead of you rather than as a deep ocean that you are swimming in.

A feeling that this love you have is the first love.

That no one has ever felt love quite like this.

Your pog collection.

Thank God.

These and so much more.

Scattered out through the world until almost everything is lost to someone.

Until all of us are just so many lost things.

May we never be found.

This has been a reading from the Book of Lost Things.

Wow.

That was actually quite pretty.

That's right.

And it comes straight to us from the big mouth in the sky.

What big mouth in the sky?

You know, the big human mouth taking up most of the sky.

Big red lips, big lolling tongue, blots out the sun.

Uh, can't say I've noticed that.

Huh.

Oh, that's weird.

You're weird.

Well, I'm going to take my book back now, but thanks for having me on.

It has certainly been an an enlightening experience.

Anyone who wants to learn more about my religion, you are welcome to join us for our services every other Tuesday in my backyard.

Please bring a shareable snack or beverage.

No peanuts.

Arnold has an allergy.

And don't worry, we never sacrifice newcomers.

Almost never.

You'll be fine.

Stay tuned next for lost things you didn't even know were lost and that you don't even remember ever having.

And from all I have lost lost to all you have lost.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Harrison Kipp is Jeffrey Kraner.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disperition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was This Machine Used to Kill Fascists by Walter etc.

Find out more at walter etc.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Instagram, Tumblr, and TikTok at Night ValeOfficial.

Or dig your toes into cool sand and think about the gap between what we deserve and what we are given.

Most importantly, check out WelcomeTonightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

Plus, every email contains a personal recommendation from either Jeffrey or Joseph.

Books, podcasts, movies, things to do in life.

Hear it from us only in your inbox.

Today's proverb: as the Great Emerald used to to say,

bang.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership, And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.