248 - Mother Lauren

Speaker 2 Did you know that Nightfall is not just a podcast, it's also books?

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 2 It's like movies for your ears, but in written word form. We have four script collections that are fully illustrated with behind-the-scenes intros for every single episode.

Speaker 2 And then we have three novels. The first Welcome to Nightfall novel, in which two women have their lives turned upside down by a mysterious man in a tan jacket.

Speaker 2 We reveal the origin of that, the man man in the tan jacket, and that one.

Speaker 2 Then the New York Times best-selling thriller, It Devours, in which we really try to get to the bottom of a certain smiling god.

Speaker 2 Finally, my favorite, The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home. Part Pirate Adventure, Part Haunted House, all Faceless Old Woman.

Speaker 2 Find the three novels and four script books wherever you get books. Okay,

Speaker 2 enjoy this episode of a podcast.

Speaker 1 Hi, this is Vin from the band Caged Animals.

Speaker 1 You've heard our songs Radio Down and Wildflowers on the weather, and I wanted to let you know that we've got a new album called Make Strange Friends, which blends nine character-driven songs with a nightvale-inspired radio play.

Speaker 1 If you're curious to hear it or pick up a copy on Ruby Red Vinyl, you can visit us at cagedanimals.bandcamp.com. Thanks a lot.

Speaker 1 keep driving around

Speaker 1 two feet from the street

Speaker 1 with the radio down.

Speaker 1 Don't turn it up for me.

Speaker 1 It used to take two to tango, but these days it takes 15 on account of the economy.

Speaker 1 Welcome to Night Vale.

Speaker 1 I hate to start out with bad news, so I won't. I have really bad news.
But I think we should keep things positive around here. Instead, let's focus on some good news.

Speaker 1 John Peters, you know, the farmer, he says that he has grown the biggest ear of imaginary corn in history.

Speaker 1 He said that the previous record was one foot, three inches, imagined by a farmer down in Argentina. But that just this week, he imagined an ear of corn that was one foot six inches.

Speaker 1 Wow, impressive work, John. Meanwhile, the Night Vale Boy Scouts have announced a jacket drive for the needy.
If someone is in need, they better cough up a jacket to the Boy Scouts or else.

Speaker 1 The Boy Scouts then pounded their fists into their hands for emphasis. Cute.

Speaker 1 And finally, there will be a complete solar eclipse tomorrow. From the point of view of one of Saturn's moons, so not super local to us, but still, great news.

Speaker 1 Ah, I guess I should get to the bad news now.

Speaker 1 The bad news is that something has emerged from the portal to the desert otherworld.

Speaker 1 Kevin from Desert Bluffs was last seen entering that portal after a bloody fight with his younger self, a boy who currently lives under the care of Tamika Flynn.

Speaker 1 On that day when they faced each other, the older Kevin swore he would return, which has not yet happened.

Speaker 1 But he also said something about not returning alone, and it would appear that he has made good on that. The entity that has stepped through the portal is...

Speaker 1 I guess woman might be the word? She is at least seven feet tall, shrouded in red and gold. Her eyes are long.
I know that doesn't make sense, but they're just long.

Speaker 1 That's what they are. Her cheeks are sharp and sunken.
She has a broad smile, but I think that might be carved into her face.

Speaker 1 She is slightly familiar, but I cannot say for sure that I...

Speaker 1 That I...

Speaker 4 Hello, citizens of Nightvale. This is Mother Lauren, commandeering your airwaves for important reasons.

Speaker 4 It's so great to be back in the rarefied air of Nightvale. It makes me feel positively getting enraged.
But I am able to set aside my emotions. I am a professional and I am here to do a job.

Speaker 4 And that job is outslaughter. Please remain calm.
I mean you no harm. I might do you harm, incidentally, in the the course of things, but that's not my fault, really.
That's the system's fault.

Speaker 4 And I can't be held responsible for anything that happened before I got here. Or anything that will happen after I leave.
Or anything that happens while I'm here. Basically, don't complain to me.

Speaker 4 Take it up with your governor. Impotent God.
Certainly, I can't be bothered with all your petty complaints. But we'll be out of your hair soon, and then all we'll go back to being our new gorstreom.

Speaker 1 Hey, nightmare. Let's talk TV.

Speaker 1 Everyone has been getting into this new craze and it's called watching TV.

Speaker 1 From pawn stars to dancing with the stars to dancing with the pawn stars, if you have an interest, there is probably a TV show out there for you. Want to get in on the trend? It's easy.

Speaker 1 All you have to do is head on down to Big Lucy's Appliance Cavern and ask Big Lucy herself about a television. She will beckon you down a dark and narrow hole.
Don't worry, that's the TV hole.

Speaker 1 And it's where she keeps her TVs. And a good amount of centipedes, but they're friendly.
As the centipedes jokingly nibble on your earlobes, you can choose the TV that best fits your lifestyle.

Speaker 1 And Big Lucy will help you carry it home. She isn't called Big Lucy for nothing.
She's called that because she's big.

Speaker 1 Once you have your TV home, simply plug it in and relax.

Speaker 1 Oh, and turn it on. It won't do anything unless you turn it on.
Believe me, I spent years staring at my television waiting for it to do anything before I learned about the power button.

Speaker 1 And then watch whatever you want. The best of Pawn Stars.
Cajun Pawn Stars. Pawn Stars UK.
The possibilities are limitless. Television.
It's what's on TV.

Speaker 1 What was I talking about? I feel like

Speaker 1 there was something important I was saying, but then

Speaker 1 it got away from me. Oh well, couldn't have been that important, I guess.

Speaker 1 And now a word from our sponsors. Today's sponsor is eggs.
What are those freaky little things?

Speaker 1 Spheroids of goop?

Speaker 1 And do you use them to make both bread and omelets? Hmm. Sounds fake.
Now, I bet you don't know this, but I learned today that you can open eggs. Yeah, I was astonished too.

Speaker 1 But if you bang the little suckers against the counter or the bumper of a Honda Fit or whatever you have handy, they pop right open. And it is so squishy in there.
Just

Speaker 1 clear,

Speaker 1 squishy,

Speaker 1 and yellow, squishy, and it all glushes around in an upsetting way.

Speaker 1 So, eggs, I guess.

Speaker 1 Fine.

Speaker 1 Eggs.

Speaker 1 If you have to.

Speaker 1 If you're a pervert, there's always eggs. Good luck out there.

Speaker 1 This message has been brought to you by...

Speaker 1 eggs.

Speaker 1 Wait, what am I doing?

Speaker 1 Here I am doing some sort of weirdly written ad about eggs while our town is under attack. I don't know what's come over me.

Speaker 1 The entity, I guess woman might be the word, is walking down the center of Main Street, her spindly arms stretched out on either side. She is at least 10 feet tall, shrouded in black and green.

Speaker 1 Her ears are multitude and not where you'd expect them to be. Under the gory carved smile, There is a frown tattooed on her face.
She is slightly familiar, but I cannot say for sure.

Speaker 1 Her arms are long enough that as she reaches them out, they brush the foreheads of pedestrians on both sides of the street.

Speaker 1 Whenever someone is touched, their eyes roll back to the whites, their mouths open wide, and they start to sing.

Speaker 1 Witnesses have confirmed that the song is Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus, with the one change that the words Wrecking Ball have been replaced by Mother Lauren.

Speaker 1 Every building she touches turns black and white, like one of those movies that only snobs and old people watch.

Speaker 1 Every tree that she touches begins to cry, which is not a thing I knew that trees could do.

Speaker 1 Listeners, Night Vale is under attack, and I don't know how to defend ourselves. The last time that Desert Bluffs and their terrible smiling god came for us, they did so with overt violence.

Speaker 1 But this time, they come to us with some sort of terrible power that changes the essence of our being. How does one fight when one cannot be confident that your thoughts are your own?

Speaker 1 Perhaps we should check with Mother Lauren. Surely she knows what to do here.
No, no!

Speaker 1 Clearly I've been influenced. I am so sorry, listeners.
I cannot be trusted. I am part of her plan, too.

Speaker 4 Hello, Nightvale. Mother Lauren again.
Sorry for speaking directly, but I don't feel that Cecil was communicating quite clearly enough. So here I am, your new host,

Speaker 4 ready to tell you what is what with the what.

Speaker 4 Please, everyone, gather in the blood pit of the Smiling God, formerly known as Grove Park, where you can be properly tensioned. This may take a while, and we apologize for the wait.

Speaker 4 Please simply kneel in the dead grass, knit your fingers above your head. You may hear the sounds of crows, but those are only bloodfesters come to see what all the ruckus is about.

Speaker 4 Please do not look up.

Speaker 1 Crows do not react well to eye contact. Thank you and have a day.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 let's tackle that age-old question.

Speaker 1 Is a hot dog a pizza? Now, Many of us don't think of a hot dog as a pizza because we're so used to thinking of it as its own category. But strip the cultural baggage of a hot dog away.

Speaker 1 Take away all the usual standard toppings like relish, mustard, ketchup, non-fat Greek yogurt, and what's left? A sausage on a bun. Does that description remind you of anything? Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 That's also the basic definition of a pizza.

Speaker 1 So, The next time some so-and-so tries to corner you into a semantic debate as to whether a hot dog is a pizza, you look them right in the eye and say, that foolish game is settled.

Speaker 1 Now stop being a coward and let us discuss real matters. Like whether a cauliflower is a taco.
And now for our community calendar. On Monday, there will be tryouts for the Night Vale Screaming League.

Speaker 1 If you think you have what it takes to wail, keen, yowl, and otherwise holler it up, then come on down to the rec center where Mother Lauren awaits you.

Speaker 1 On Tuesday, the Moonlight All-Night Diner has a burger challenge. If you can eat their giant Mucho Gusto burger arama in any amount of time at all, then they will give you the keys to the restaurant.

Speaker 1 Seriously, take all the time you want. They'll keep it in the fridge between eating sessions.
And they believe you can do it!

Speaker 1 They just really want to be done with the place, and this seems like the fastest way to do it. For fairness, the challenge will be judged by beloved local celebrity Mother Lauren.

Speaker 1 Wednesday is Free Play Day at the Desert Flower Arcade Fun Complex.

Speaker 1 Come on down and join the celebration with a cruising USA tournament or a friendly air hockey match or indulge in a little nostalgia with Mother Lauren.

Speaker 1 This Thursday is Mother Lauren.

Speaker 1 On Friday,

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren.

Speaker 1 Saturday and Sunday is

Speaker 1 Oh no. It happened again, didn't it?

Speaker 1 I was sitting in front of my microphone just doing my show and something else took my voice.

Speaker 1 In the past, I have been forced out of my radio booth by Strexcorp. I have been mind-controlled by the GlowCloud, R.I.P.

Speaker 1 But never have I had my voice for this community stripped like this and turned to evil ends.

Speaker 1 I don't know what to do about this, listeners. My instinct is to protect you, but...
I don't know how to do that when every word I say is suspect.

Speaker 1 Your resolutely reliable narrator has become suddenly unreliable.

Speaker 1 Whatever you do, do not go to Grove Park. It sounds like some really bad stuff is happening there, and we should just avoid that.

Speaker 1 Okay, yes, I see many of you are already running and screaming away from the area. That's...
that's good. Good thinking, everyone.

Speaker 1 The entity, I guess woman might be the word, is pursuing those who are fleeing. She is at least 15 feet tall, shrouded in purple and white.
Her hair swirls around like a collapsing galaxy.

Speaker 1 She has a broad smile, but a furious heart.

Speaker 1 She is slightly familiar, but I

Speaker 1 cannot say for sure.

Speaker 1 As she chases after the innocent civilians of Nightvale, she is neither running nor walking, but gliding.

Speaker 1 Her impossibly tall form is moving down the street at the speed of a car going a moderate speed, maybe 40 miles per hour, which is really fast for a person.

Speaker 1 Her mouth is moving.

Speaker 1 And as her mouth moves, I feel my own mouth moving. And don't know.

Speaker 1 I will resist.

Speaker 1 I will resist.

Speaker 1 I will.

Speaker 1 Mother.

Speaker 1 I will.

Speaker 1 Mother. Lauren.

Speaker 1 Mother, Lauren.

Speaker 6 Now you've done it.

Speaker 4 Now you've made me enraged.

Speaker 4 When I get this way, there is only one thing that satiates, and that is the blood of my animals.

Speaker 6 So say your prayers.

Speaker 4 Cast beseeching hands towards the empty sky, because the hands of Mother Lauren will soon be swishing about in your entrails. But don't worry, you'll be awake for the whole thing.

Speaker 4 Because I do not eat and I do not drink and I do not sleep. I subsist on suffering.
Suffering. I delight in suffering.

Speaker 4 I am the all and the end and the being. I am the mother of cruelty.
But first,

Speaker 4 let's take a look at the web.

Speaker 4 It was just underneath the surface. I had an axe and I ground it with a purpose.
I wound up and then I threw.

Speaker 4 And all it took was a second

Speaker 4 to let my forethung do all the damage. My words took aim across the room

Speaker 4 and split your heart apart in two.

Speaker 4 Can we forgive what we can't forget? Try to move on like we never met.

Speaker 4 How can we live if we are all dead and past mistakes?

Speaker 4 I'll carry your cross if you carry mine. Throw you a rope, if you draw me a line.
And if you are lost, I'll pray for the light that leads to brighter days.

Speaker 4 You shot a look like a dagger

Speaker 4 and dropped a bum like an animal from a ladder. Through all that's fair in love and war.

Speaker 4 You cut me open with your wedding ring.

Speaker 4 You reached inside and you pulled out my heartstrings. Left me bleeding on the floor.

Speaker 4 Now, here as I lay, I beg for more.

Speaker 4 Can't we forget what we can't forget? Try to move on like we never met.

Speaker 4 How can we live if we are both dead and past mistakes?

Speaker 4 I'll carry a cross and you carry mine. Throw you a rope and you draw me alive.
And if you are lost, I'll drag off the light that leads to brighter days.

Speaker 4 All of our doubts forms a dark cloud.

Speaker 4 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

Speaker 4 ooh, ooh, ooh.

Speaker 4 Is there hope found

Speaker 4 in the fallout?

Speaker 4 Turns out that the enemy

Speaker 4 was never you, but the battle here inside of me. I never meant to do you harm.

Speaker 4 I know I can never take it back.

Speaker 4 Still, I'm raising up the white flag and letting down my guard.

Speaker 4 Just to be here in your arms.

Speaker 4 Alright.

Speaker 4 Can we forgive what we can't forget? Try to move on like we never met.

Speaker 4 How can we live if we are both dead?

Speaker 4 Carry your cross if you carry mine. Through your mouth, if you draw me a line.
And if we are lost, I'll flip for the line that leads to brighter days.

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Speaker 1 Once, there was a nothing so complete that no one thought anything of it.

Speaker 1 Because there was no one. And no thoughts.
And nowhere to have thoughts within.

Speaker 1 It was not darkness, because darkness is something.

Speaker 1 It was like our lives before we were born, an absence that only grows deep and troubling if you happen to think about it for any length of time.

Speaker 1 Then, there was light.

Speaker 1 And there was darkness.

Speaker 1 And free jazz. And oranges.
A lot of things started to happen. It was all too much.
Some people thought that maybe anything happening at all was a mistake. And they wanted to go back to the nothing.

Speaker 1 Of course, they weren't around for the nothing, so they had no way of knowing if it was good or not.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 before something.

Speaker 1 And before nothing,

Speaker 1 there was Mother Lauren.

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren watched as it all happened. All of it.
The great raveling and unraveling. The happening and the stillness.
She was there for it all.

Speaker 1 Oh, sure. She had once been Lauren Mallard.
Had lived a human life, born in the usual human way some 40 years ago. But once she was transformed into Mother Lauren, then Mother Lauren became eternal.

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren eats centuries like apples in quick, voracious bites.

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren once held her breath for a thousand years just to see what it would be like to be a stone.

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren has been to the sun and found it unimpressive.

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren loves us and wants what's best for us.

Speaker 1 She cares for us

Speaker 1 deeply

Speaker 1 and will be with us

Speaker 1 always.

Speaker 1 Stay tuned next for

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren.

Speaker 1 Followed by

Speaker 1 Mother Lauren

Speaker 1 and two ad-free hours of

Speaker 4 Mother Lauren.

Speaker 4 Good night, Night Vale.

Speaker 4 Good night.

Speaker 5 Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Kraner, and Bree Williams and produced by Disparition.
The voice of Mother Lauren is Lauren Sharp.

Speaker 5 The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. Original music by Disparition.
All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com. This episode's weather was The Fallout by the Sublets.

Speaker 5 Find out more at subletsmusic.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Instagram and on Tumblr at nightvaleofficial.

Speaker 5 We now have a TikTok at Night Vale Official as well, if you want to defy Congress.

Speaker 5 Most importantly, check out welcometonightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

Speaker 5 Let's keep in touch as the internet dies around us.

Speaker 5 Today's proverb. Ugh, can you believe today's wordle? I whisper to the Saguaro cactus.
The nearest town is 300 miles to the east, and I only have a half day of water. I must make it.

Speaker 4 I must.

Speaker 3 Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025. And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour? We are.

Speaker 3 We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota. That's in July.

Speaker 3 You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting. We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

Speaker 3 And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October, and then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

Speaker 3 You can find all of the show dates at welcometonightvale.com/slash live. Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

Speaker 3 It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition.

Speaker 3 and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride. These tours are always so much fun and they are for you, the diehard fan, and you, the night veil new kid alike.

Speaker 3 So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever. They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Speaker 3 Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live. Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Speaker 3 Get your tickets to our live U.S. plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.
And hey, see you soon.