248 - Mother Lauren

Hey hey, Jeffrey Kraner from welcome to Night Vale here.

Apart from Night Vale, we make other podcasts.

If you're already a big Night Vale fan, check out Good Morning Night Vale, where cast members Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, and Hal Lublin break down each and every episode.

Or if you're looking for more weird fiction, there's Within the Wires, an immersive fiction podcast written by me and novelist Janina Mathewson.

Each season is a standalone tale told in the guise of found audio.

Finally, maybe you like horror movies or are scared of horror movies but are horror curious, Check out Random Number Generator Horror Podcast Number 9, where me and the voice of Night Vale Cecil Baldwin talk about a randomly drawn horror film.

We have new episodes every single week.

So that's Good Morning Night Vale Within the Wires and Random Horror 9.

Go to nightvalepresents.com for more or get those podcasts wherever you get your podcasts.

It used to take two to tango, but these days it takes 15 on account of the economy.

Welcome to Night Vale.

I hate to start out with bad news, so I won't.

I have really bad news.

But I think we should keep things positive around here.

Instead, let's focus on some good news.

John Peters, you know, the farmer, he says that he has grown the biggest ear of imaginary corn in history.

He said that the previous record was one foot three inches imagined by a farmer down in Argentina.

But that just this week, he imagined an ear of corn that was one foot six inches.

Wow, impressive work, John.

Meanwhile, the Night Vale Boy Scouts have announced a jacket drive for the needy.

If someone is in need, they better cough up a jacket to the Boy Scouts or else.

The Boy Scouts then pounded their fists into their hands for emphasis.

Cute.

And finally, there will be a complete solar eclipse tomorrow.

From the point of view of one of Saturn's moons, so not super local to us, but still, great news.

Ah, I guess I should get to the bad news now.

The bad news is that something has emerged from the portal to the desert otherworld.

Kevin from Desert Bluffs was last seen entering that portal after a bloody fight with his younger self, a boy who currently lives under the care of Tamika Flynn.

On that day when they faced each other, the older Kevin swore he would return, which has not yet happened.

But he also said something about not returning alone, and it would appear that he has made good on that.

The entity that has stepped through the portal is...

I guess woman might be the word?

She is at least seven feet tall, shrouded in red and gold.

Her eyes are long.

I know that doesn't make sense, but they're just long.

That's what they are.

Her cheeks are sharp and sunken.

She has a broad smile, but I think that might be carved into her face.

She is slightly familiar, but I cannot say for sure that I...

that I...

Hello, citizens of Nightvale.

This is Mother Lauren, commandeering your airwaves for important reasons.

It's so great to be back in the rarefied air of Nightvale.

It makes me feel positively giddy.

Enraged.

But I am able to set aside my emotions.

I am a professional and I am here to do a job.

And that job is owing to slaughter.

Please remain calm.

I mean you no harm.

I might do you harm, incidentally, in the course of things, but that's not my fault, really.

That's the system's fault.

And I can't be held responsible for anything that happened before I got here.

Or anything that will happen after I leave.

Or anything that happens while I'm here.

Basically, don't complain to me.

Take it up with your government.

Impotent God.

Certainly, I can't be bothered with all your petty complaints.

But we'll be out of your hair soon, and then all we'll go back to being our new gore strewn.

Hey, nightmare.

Let's talk TV.

Everyone has been getting into this new craze, and it's called watching TV.

From pawn stars to dancing with the stars to dancing with the pawn stars, if you have an interest, there there is probably a TV show out there for you.

Want to get in on the trend?

It's easy.

All you have to do is head on down to Big Lucy's appliance cavern and ask Big Lucy herself about a television.

She will beckon you down a dark and narrow hole.

Don't worry, that's the TV hole.

And it's where she keeps her TVs.

And a good amount of centipedes, but they're friendly.

As the centipedes jokingly nibble on your earlobes, you can choose the TV that best fits your lifestyle.

And Big Lucy will help you carry it home.

She isn't called Big Lucy for nothing.

She's called that because she's big.

Once you have your TV home, simply plug it in and relax.

Oh, and turn it on.

It won't do anything unless you turn it on.

Believe me, I spent years staring at my television waiting for it to do anything before I learned about the power button.

And then watch whatever you want.

The best of pawn stars.

Cajun Pawn Stars.

Pawnstars UK.

The possibilities are limitless.

Television.

It's what's on TV.

What was I talking about?

I feel like

there was something important I was saying, but then it got away from me.

Oh well.

Couldn't have been that important, I guess.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Today's sponsor is eggs.

What are those freaky little things?

Spheroids of goop?

And do you use them to make both bread and omelets?

Hmm, sounds fake.

Now, I bet you don't know this, but I learned today that you can open eggs.

Yeah, I was astonished too.

But if you bang the little suckers against the counter or the bumper of a Honda Fit or whatever you have handy, they pop right open.

And it is so squishy in there.

Just

clear,

squishy, and yellow, squishy, and it all glushes around in an upsetting way.

So, eggs, I guess.

Fine.

Eggs.

If you have to.

If you're a pervert, there's always eggs.

Good luck out there.

This message has been brought to you by...

eggs.

Wait, what am I doing?

Here I am doing some sort of weirdly written ad about eggs while our town is under attack.

I don't know what's come over me.

The entity.

I guess woman might be the word.

Is walking down the center of Main Street.

Her spindly arms stretched out on either side.

She is at least 10 feet tall, shrouded in black and green.

Her ears are multitude and not where you'd expect them to be.

Under the gory carved smile, there is a frown tattooed on her face.

She is slightly familiar, but I cannot say for sure.

Her arms are long enough that as she reaches them out, they brush the foreheads of pedestrians on both sides of the street.

Whenever someone is touched, their eyes roll back to the whites, their mouths open wide, and they start to sing.

Witnesses have confirmed that the song is Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus, with the one change that the words Wrecking Ball have been replaced by Mother Lauren.

Every building she touches turns black and white, like one of those movies that only snobs and old people watch.

Every tree that she touches begins to cry, which is not a thing I knew that trees could do.

Listeners, Night Vale is under attack, and I don't know how to defend ourselves.

The last time that Desert Bluffs and their terrible smiling god came for us, they did so with overt violence.

But this time, they come to us with some sort of terrible power that changes the essence of our being.

How does one fight when one cannot be confident that your thoughts are your own?

Perhaps we should check with Mother Lauren.

Surely she knows what to do here.

No, no!

Clearly I've been influenced.

I am so sorry, listeners.

I cannot be trusted.

I am part of her plan, too.

Hello, Night Vale.

Mother Lauren again.

Sorry for speaking directly, but I don't feel that Cecil was communicating quite clearly enough.

So, here I am, your new host,

ready to tell you what is what with the what.

Please, everyone, gather in the blood pit of the smiling god, formerly known as Grove Park, where you can be properly tensioned.

This

may take a while, and we apologize for the wait.

Please simply kneel in the dead grass, knit your fingers above your head.

You may hear the sounds of crows, but those are only blood faster.

Come to see what all the ruckus is about.

Please do not look up.

Crows do not react well to eye contact.

Thank you, and have a day.

Okay.

I'm not sure what's going on, but I seem to be in front of the microphone.

So

let's tackle that age-old question.

Is a hot dog a pizza?

Now, many of us don't think of a hot dog as a pizza because we're so used to thinking of it as its own category.

But strip the cultural baggage of a hot dog away.

Take away all the usual standard toppings like relish, mustard, ketchup, non-fat Greek yogurt, and what's left?

A sausage on a bun.

Does that description remind you of anything?

Yeah, that's right.

That's also the basic definition of a pizza.

So, the next time some so-and-so tries to corner you into a semantic debate as to whether a hot dog is a pizza, you look them right in the eye and say, that foolish game is settled.

Now stop being a coward and let us discuss real matters.

Like whether a cauliflower is a taco.

And now for our community calendar.

On Monday, there will be tryouts for the Night Vale Screaming League.

If you think you have what it takes to wail, keen, yowl, and otherwise holler it up, then come on down to the rec center where Mother Lauren awaits you.

On Tuesday, The Moonlight All-Night Diner has a burger challenge.

If you can eat their giant Mucho Gusto burger arama in any amount of time at all, then they will give you the keys to the restaurant.

Seriously, take all the time you want.

They'll keep it in the fridge between eating sessions and they believe you can do it.

They just really want to be done with the place and this seems like the fastest way to do it.

For fairness, the challenge will be judged by beloved local celebrity, Mother Lauren.

Wednesday is free play Play Day at the Desert Flower Arcade Fun Complex.

Come on down and join the celebration with a cruising USA tournament, or a friendly air hockey match, or indulge in a little nostalgia with Mother Lauren.

This Thursday is Mother Lauren.

On Friday,

Mother Lauren.

Saturday and Sunday is

Oh no, it happened again, didn't it?

I was sitting in front of my microphone just doing my show and something else took my voice.

In the past, I have been forced out of my radio booth by Strexcorp.

I have been mind-controlled by the GlowCloud, R.I.P.

but never have I had my voice for this community stripped like this and turned to evil ends.

I don't know what to do about this, listeners.

My instinct is to protect you, but I don't know how to do that when every word I say is suspect.

Your resolutely reliable narrator has become suddenly unreliable.

Whatever you do, Do not go to Grove Park.

It sounds like some really bad stuff is happening there and we we should just avoid that.

Okay, yes, I see many of you are already running and screaming away from the area.

That's...

that's good.

Good thinking, everyone.

The entity, I guess woman might be the word, is pursuing those who are fleeing.

She is at least 15 feet tall, shrouded in purple and white.

Her hair swirls around like a collapsing galaxy.

She has a broad smile, but a furious heart.

She is slightly familiar, but I...

I cannot say for sure.

As she chases after the innocent civilians of Nightvale, she is neither running nor walking, but gliding.

Her impossibly tall form is moving down the street at the speed of a car going a moderate speed, maybe 40 miles per hour, which is really fast for a person.

Her mouth is moving.

And as her mouth moves, I feel my own mouth moving and don't know.

I will resist.

I will resist.

I will.

Mother.

I will.

Mother.

Lauren.

Mother.

Lauren.

Now you've done it.

Now you've made me enraged.

When I get this way, there is only one thing that satiates, and that is the blood of my animals.

So say your prayers.

Cast beseeching hands towards the empty sky, because the hands of Mother Lauren will soon be swishing about in your energy trails.

But don't worry, you'll be awake for the whole thing.

Because I do not eat and I do not drink and I do not sleep.

I subsist on suffering.

I delight in suffering.

I am the all and the end and the being.

I am the mother of cruelty.

But first,

let's take a look at the web.

It was just underneath the surface.

I had an axe and I ground it with a purpose.

I warmed up and then I threw.

And all it took was a second

to let my foretongue do all the damage.

My words took aim across the room

and split your heart apart in two.

Can we forgive what we can't forget?

Try to move on like we never met.

How can we live if we are all dead and past mistakes?

I'll carry your cross if you carry mine.

Throw your rope, we can draw me a line.

And if you are lost, I'll pray for the light that leads to brighter days.

You shot a look like a dagger

And dropped a bomb like an animal from a ladder For all that's fair and love and war

You cut me open with your wedding ring

Reached inside and you pulled out my heartstrings Left me bleeding on the floor

Now here as I lay I beg for more

Can we forget what we can't can't forget?

Try to move on like we never met.

How can we live if we are both dead and past mistakes?

I'll carry a cross if you carry mine.

Throw you a rope if you draw me alive.

And if you are lost, I'll drag on the light that leads to brighter days.

All of our doubts

forms a dark cloud.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

ooh, ooh, ooh.

Is there home found

in the fallout?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Turns out that the enemy

was never you, but the battle here inside of me.

I never meant to do you harm.

I know I can never take it back.

Still, I'm raising up the white flag and letting down my guard.

Just to be here in your arms.

Alright.

Oh, can we forgive?

Well, we can't forget.

Try to move on like we never met.

How can we live if we are both dead?

Carry your cross and you carry mine.

Throw it on my mouth if you draw me a line.

And if we are lost, I'll break for the line that that leads to brighter days.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veeep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

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Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

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Once, there was a nothing so complete that no one thought anything of it.

Because there was no one.

And no thoughts.

And nowhere to have thoughts within.

It was not darkness, because darkness is something.

It was like our lives before we were born, an absence that only grows deep and troubling if you happen to think about it for any length of time.

Then there was light.

And there was darkness.

And free jazz.

And oranges.

A lot of things started to happen.

It was all too much.

Some people thought that maybe anything happening at all was a mistake, and they wanted to go back to the nothing.

Of course, they weren't around for the nothing, so they had no way of knowing if it was good or not.

But

before something,

and before nothing,

there was Mother Lauren.

Mother Lauren watched as it all happened.

All of it.

The great raveling and unraveling.

The happening and the stillness.

She was there for it all.

Oh, sure, she had once been Lauren Mallard, had lived a human life, born in the usual human way some 40 years ago.

But once she was transformed into Mother Lauren,

then Mother Lauren became eternal.

Mother Lauren eats centuries like apples in quick, voracious bites.

Mother Lauren once held her her breath for a thousand years just to see what it would be like to be a stone.

Mother Lauren has been to the sun and found it unimpressive.

Mother Lauren loves us and wants what's best for us.

She cares for us deeply and will be with us

always.

Stay tuned next for

Mother Lauren.

Followed by

Mother Lauren

and two ad-free hours of

Mother Lauren.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night!

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Mother Lauren is Lauren Sharp.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was The Fallout by the Sublets.

Find out more at subletsmusic.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com or follow us on Instagram and on Tumblr at NightvaleOfficial.

We now have a TikTok at Night ValeOfficial as well, if you want to defy Congress.

Most importantly, check out welcometonightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

Let's keep in touch as the internet dies around us.

Today's Proverb.

Ugh, can you believe today's wordle?

I whisper to the Saguaro cactus.

The nearest town is 300 miles to the east, and I only have a half day of water.

I must make it.

I must.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my nightvale co-creator, Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed, and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now, with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.