241 - He Is Still Holding a Knife

Here's something I say a lot, but it's just the truth.

We couldn't make this show without our Patreon.

It is by far the biggest way we are able to pay everyone working on the show, from the writers to the actors, to Jessica, who does original artwork for every single episode, to Joella, who does all the back-end business stuff.

All of these people are able to pay their bills, and we are all able to put out the show because of our Patreon.

And we try to give some cool rewards as a thank you.

Four bonus episodes a year that are not released on the main feed, ad-free versions of our episodes, monthly Zoom hangouts with the Nightfall Writers, director's notes on every episode, a brand new book club we are launching led by the Nightfall Writers, and even the chance for you to appear in future Nightfall episodes as a character.

So, all of that is there, but also just the knowledge that this thing exists in the world that otherwise wouldn't, and you are part of that.

So, consider heading to welcometonightvale.com and clicking on Patreon and becoming a patron or upgrading your existing membership.

We deeply, truly appreciate it.

Thank you.

Mike and Alyssa are always trying to outdo each other.

When Alyssa got a small water bottle, Mike showed up with a four-litre jug.

When Mike started gardening, Alyssa started beekeeping.

Oh, come on.

They called it truce for their holiday and used Expedia Trip Planner to collaborate on all the details of their trip.

Once there, Mike still did more laps around the pool.

Whatever.

You were made to outdo your holidays.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

It's the eye of the tiger.

It's the mouth of the tiger.

It's the gnashing, ceaseless teeth of the tiger.

Then, only darkness.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Listeners, it has been hours, possibly even days, maybe only minutes, since I've been held hostage in my own radio booth.

Time is hard to gauge in stressful situations.

Time is also elastic, fluid, and non-linear, which makes it hard to gauge as well.

I'm still here with the boy from Grove Park, who we now know is a young version of Kevin from Desert Bluffs 2.

He is still holding a knife.

After he cut my microphone cord, the boy and I sat together for hours, or days, or minutes.

He asked questions that I didn't have answers for.

It took some clever negotiation on my part, but I was finally allowed to get a replacement XLR cable for my microphone from the supply closet.

Details on my negotiation skills later, if anyone is interested.

But I'm back on the air, and that's the important thing.

We don't know what the boy wants.

He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he wants...

something.

And it seems like that something has to do with the knife that he is currently still holding.

Until he figures out exactly what he needs to do with that knife, I guess I'm stuck here, listeners.

Just him and me, and a large blade that he occasionally uses to look at his own reflection in a haunted, questioning manner.

When you use a knife as a mirror, the boy says to me in a voice that sounds like several voices, it shows you unpleasant truths about yourself.

While the tension here in the studio increases by the moment, let's try to lighten things up by checking out some fun upcoming events on the community calendar.

On Thursday, the Nightvales Senior Center will be hosting a field day, showcasing rigorous athletic contests, and feats of strength open to anyone over the age of 70, but under the age of ancient spirit being.

The center is raising funds for an expansion to their assisted living facilities, which are overcrowded and experiencing a long wait list.

We will be using the money to open up more beds for new residents, Facility Director Chris Tybersky said in a publicity statement for the event.

Or, you know, maybe some of the old beds will suddenly become available sooner than expected.

Like, maybe sometime after the field day on Thursday?

We'll see what happens.

On Friday, there will be a blood drive in the newly reopened post office parking lot.

A blood drive is crucial after a field day due to the massive blood loss involved, especially in the more traditional events like javelin, cat oh nine tails, or MMA cage fighting.

As a thank you gift for your blood donation, information extracted from your DNA will be used by the postmaster to send out targeted advertisements based on your unique biological profile, instead of the generalized junk mailers that currently get stuffed into your mailbox.

We need your blood to serve you better, a voice from inside the newly reopened post office whispered out from a darkened window, according to one source who walked past the building last week.

Saturday is Community Cleanup Day, which will be necessary since things tend to get extremely messy during a blood drive.

And Sunday will mark the first meeting of the Nightvale Scarcity League.

Which brings me to financial news.

We all know that an abundance of something valuable can cause its abrupt devaluation.

We experienced this firsthand when that huge deposit of plutonium was discovered in Radon Canyon and everyone was crazy wealthy for like three days.

And now you can't even use plutonium to buy dog food at the Ralphs anymore.

This is exactly why the Night Vale Scarcity League was formed.

The league invites you to stamp out abundance and protect value at all costs.

It's easy to sign up.

Just pay the initiation fee and members of the league will come to your house to do a full assessment of your resources.

Then burn anything deemed excessive in a bonfire.

This will protect not just you and your family, but the whole concept of wealth.

Their slogan is, Value,

Value.

Which is, unfortunately, also the name of the new dollar menu at Arby's, who are leveling a million-dollar copyright infringement lawsuit against the Scarcity League.

When asked for comment, a league spokesperson said the lawsuit could wipe the scarcity league out completely.

Then they shivered in ecstasy and said they were super into it.

Back to our top story.

The boy is inches from me, sitting on the edge of my desk with his legs dangling off, carving a jagged question mark into the desktop.

The knife is as sharp as it looks.

What you doing there, buddy?

I ask him.

He doesn't answer, but stops carving.

He stares down at the question mark with intense concentration.

I think I figured it out, he says suddenly, looking up at me with the open excitement that only a child can possess.

That's so great,

I say.

I know what I have to do with this knife, he says, waving the enormous dagger around.

I keep smiling and nodding, but roll my chair slowly backward.

Shout out to my husband Carlos for this rubber office chair mat that allows me effortless mobility around the booth.

I admit I didn't appreciate it as a Valentine's Day gift at first, but he assured me it was scientifically romantic and gosh darned if he wasn't right.

I have to put it into a body,

the boy says triumphantly, referring to the razor-sharp 12-inch long butcher knife in his hand.

He is so

very excited.

He jumps off the desk and grips the arm of my chair with the hand that is not holding the knife and looks into my eyes.

I have to put put it into a body over

and over, he says, until everything comes out.

I repeat the phrase back to him.

Until

everything

comes out?

In a squeaky voice.

He nods vigorously.

Everything, he says.

Blood and guts and organs, thoughts and memories and emotions, germs and cells and complex proteins all

over the place.

Everything coming out.

I am still nodding, listeners, but for the record, I am not necessarily condoning the boy's statement.

And I have to admit, he sounds eerily more and more like,

well,

Kevin.

Whose body, I ask, because I'm a professional journalist.

The boy frowns.

I don't know.

He howls in frustration and pounds his fist.

Let's get you a snack, bud, I suggest.

Then maybe you can think this through a little better.

While I do that, listeners, let's go to a pre-recorded word from our sponsors.

Hiya, listeners.

It's Deb.

a sentient pitch of haze.

Today's show is sponsored by DoorDash.

Have you ever had a special craving?

Woken up in the middle of the night feeling empty and wanting more?

Wondered if that hollow sensation can ever be satisfied?

Have you ever asked yourself what you truly want?

And more importantly, have you kept on asking?

Because that answer changes, you know, it changes all the time.

And if you stop asking, you'll stop knowing.

And if you stop knowing, that's when the abyss begins to take take over.

For example, do you want a hamburger?

A burrito?

A falafel plate?

Fill the yawning chasm inside with $20 off plus free delivery when you use promo code EMPT.

Thanks for that, Deb.

I'm trying out that promo code right now to order some delivery salmon burgers for myself and the boy.

from my good friend Earl Harlan's food truck.

While we're waiting, let's go to traffic.

All roads will be closed this week for tarring and feathering.

The roads have facilitated the transportation of people doing a lot of shady things lately, and they should be ashamed of themselves.

By applying layers of hot tar and fluffy chicken feathers, the roads will be undergoing both routine maintenance as well as learning a valuable lesson about the consequences of being complicit in bad behavior.

Since the roads will be closed to all vehicular travel, citizens are urged to stay home, go nowhere, just hunker down, and don't move a muscle.

Oh, shoot.

These road closures might affect my DoorDash delivery.

Uh, I'm sure they'll work it out.

In the meantime, I've given the boy a bag of goldfish crackers and a can of root beer from the hall vending machine.

And he seems to have calmed down a bit.

But he is still holding the knife and occasionally practicing slow, downward arcing motions with it.

Ooh, hold on a second.

Someone's at the door.

Ooh, I hope it's the food.

Listeners, it was not the food.

The person who has just arrived in my studio is Tamika Flynn, former teen militia leader, current city council member, and the boy's volunteer guardian.

She's come to help.

She could easily just dropkick the boy and end this whole thing, she told me confidentially, but as an elected council member, not to mention someone who's responsible for the boy's well-being, she is choosing non-violence today.

She's going to use her words.

She's going to use the potent power of psychology and understanding.

All of these tools, she tells me, make conflict resolution a lot harder.

This is so exciting, listeners.

I'm really glad Tamika showed up because I admit, I was kind of hitting a wall with this whole babysitting slash hostage situation thing.

I can't wait to see her fierce pacifism skills in action.

Okay, for example, right now, she is calmly asking the boy to give her the knife.

She has a friendly tone of voice and she has said the word, please.

She is using I feel statements to try to show the boy how his actions are affecting others without making him feel defensive about it.

She is offering to help him resolve his issues without stabbing.

Listeners, I don't know how this is possible, but the boy has produced a second knife.

He now holds a knife in each hand.

This second knife is different from the first, thinner and longer with a serrated edge like one would use for gutting an animal or cutting into a nice crusty baguette.

I understand what you're saying, he tells Tamika, nodding earnestly, but stabbing is super important to me right now.

He makes that same downward arcing movement with both knives now, and this time he's doing it much faster.

While these two continue their problem-solving dialogue, let's go to the lost and found.

Lost

keys:

several Florida keys, which used to appear on the map, now don't.

The key of E minor.

A handful of keys from from an old typewriter, namely the letters H, E, L, P, and M.

Found.

Paper currency featuring the face of a creature with hollow eyes and gaping jaws and a hologram of a worm or snake leaping out of its mouth.

Denomination of $2.5.

Lost.

The pursuit of a talent that, let's face it, was never going to pay off.

Reported by an anonymous resident on Oxford Street.

Found.

A new friend with the possibility of more.

Reported by Latrice Beaumont.

Get it, Latrice.

Found.

A Hawaiian shaved ice hut.

Abandoned, but fully functional on Route 800.

This has been Lost and Found.

Great news, listeners.

Not only have the salmon burgers arrived, but so has a devastatingly handsome rescuer who will surely be able to solve this situation with the aid of science, where peaceful negotiations have failed.

My husband Carlos has joined us in the studio.

He said he's been listening to the broadcast and getting really worried.

Aw, that's sweet.

It's time to run some experiments and get to the bottom of this, according to Carlos.

That's such a scientist thing to say, isn't it?

Too cute.

Meanwhile, Tamika is duct taping old Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers, aka the former station management's financial plans, all around her torso as protective armor.

Even when you choose non-violence, she says, you should always protect your organ meat.

With Carlos's arrival, the boy has mysteriously produced a third knife.

This one is short with a curved tip, like the kind used for pairing vegetables or performing small limb amputations.

And listeners, the boy is no longer holding the knives.

The boy is now juggling the knives.

I assume, because that's the only way anyone can hold onto three objects at the same time.

This is of course extremely dangerous, but also strangely mesmerizing.

The flash of the silver blades glinting in the studio lights.

The boy's rhythmic but also highly erratic throwing pattern.

The fact that he barely seems able to keep all those knives under control in such an enclosed space and in such close proximity to three other human bodies all huddled together in fear.

You just don't understand, the boy keeps saying, sweat dripping down his face as he continues to throw the knives into the air.

Faster and faster and faster, not even looking at them at all.

None of you understand!

The boy's hand jerks wildly and one of the knives, no!

All three of the knives are now careening through the air toward us.

First,

the weather.

Guess all calling sick.

Try to get my truck fixed so I can head out west.

Fix the ache in my chest.

It's a dust hero

and always

winding.

But it's up to us.

It's up to us to do the finding.

When the gold gets tough, you tend to get going.

You're real hard love.

when the ball gets rolling and the days get rough.

That storm is coming in.

You should have seen it come, you should've seen it come.

The way you kept our

running back.

Another one of us was keeping score until you're running.

I was on the men,

on the straight and narrow,

just around the bend, just around the bend.

Here I go again.

We were on the road,

headed for the gallows.

We gave it all, we got took one last shot, and we both got lost.

When the gold gets tough, you tend to get going.

You're a real hard love.

When the ball gets rolling, and the days get rough, that storm is coming in.

Yeah, it might've been the whiskey that you were pouring.

Neither one of us was keeping scoring.

There's no way of knowing where the battle ends.

I should have seen you come.

I should've seen him come.

Wake at night.

None of it the whiskey that you were for.

Neither one of us was keeping scoring.

Now you're right.

When the gold gets

you can get going.

You're real hard bluff.

When the fall gets rolling, and the danger of that storm is coming.

I'd have been the whiskey that you were for.

Neither one of us was keeping scoring.

There's no way of knowing where the button is.

You should have seen it come, should've seen it come the way he kept on

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

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CRM was supposed to improve customer relationships.

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Let's start with a recap of where the knives are now.

The butcher knife is stuck in the floor.

The hooked knife has punctured my sound mixing board.

The long serrated knife is sticking out of Tamika's rib cage.

But since she is fully protected by her Trapper Keeper suit of armor, she's totally fine.

However, the pink and lavender walrus near her heart has been pierced through the eye and seems to be weeping some kind of sparkly rainbow gel.

The boy now sits quietly in the corner, arms wrapped around his knees, looking up at all of us with those bright inquisitive eyes.

I want to talk to you about symbolism, Carlos says to the boy.

Symbolism is a branch of hard science.

It's where certain objects represent totally different things than what they actually are.

Do you think it's possible that these knives you're so interested in could represent something else?

That maybe you don't want to stab a real person at all, but instead you want to sever a connection to something or someone in your life or your past.

Ooh, that's so smart, babe.

Oh, oops, sorry.

I couldn't help commenting.

I'll go back to being an objective reporter.

But it does make a lot of sense if you think about it.

If this boy is a young Kevin, Maybe he can make a fresh start and grow up to become a totally different person than the Kevin we know.

Which is honestly a great idea because no offense, but the Kevin we know, eh, not the best.

Thank you for teaching me about symbolism, the boy says.

It's helped me understand a lot.

Carlos is so smart, like I said.

I mean, speaking as an objective reporter.

It's also helped me understand, the boy continues, that my desire for these knives is not symbolic at all.

I want to put them in a specific person's body.

One is heavy for chopping big pieces into little pieces.

One is long and jagged for sawing.

One is small and curved for separating bones from joints.

Because now I know who I am.

I am Kevin.

And there can only be one Kevin.

I have to go to the desert otherworld and find my older double, and I must disassemble him, piece by piece, so that everything inside of the old Kevin comes out.

Only then can the new Kevin truly begin.

With a sudden movement, the boy yanks the butcher knife out of the floor.

Dark red blood begins gurgling from the wound in the cork laminate flooring.

As we all process this shocking revelation, with blood swirling around our ankles,

I'm not really sure what else to say right now.

So,

stay tuned for the tune Stay by Lisa Loeb, the number one hit song from the film Reality Bites, based on the breakfast cereal of the same name.

Good night, Night Vale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink, Jeffrey Craner, and Bree Williams and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Deb is Meg Bashwiner.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Whiskey by Rumor Mill.

Find out more at rumourmill.band.

That's Rumor with two U's because they're Canadian.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter if you're still there at Nightvale Radio and on Instagram at Night ValeOfficial.

We now have a TikTok at Night Vale Official as well for ticks and talks.

Most importantly, check out welcometonightvale.com where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

You can learn about things like our live show, The Attic, which tours Europe in March and the US in April.

Today's proverb: The last shall be first, and the first shall be last.

The middle will be shuffled around as well.

For instance, number three will become number five, and so on.

If you end up in the same place as before, please let us know so we can move you.

Thanks.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hey, Jeffrey Kraner here to tell you about another show from me and my Night Vale co-creator Joseph Fink.

It's called Unlicensed and it's an LA Noir-style mystery set in the outskirts of present-day Los Angeles.

Unlicensed follows two unlicensed private investigators whose small jobs looking into insurance claims and missing property are only the tip of a conspiracy iceberg.

There are already two seasons of Unlicensed for you to listen to now with season three dropping on May 15th.

Unlicensed is available exclusively through Audible, free if you already have that subscription.

And if you don't, Audible has a trial membership.

And if I know you, and I do, you can binge all that mystery goodness in a short window.

And if you like it, if you liked Unlicensed, please, please rate and review each season.

Our ability to keep making this show is predicated on audience engagement.

So go check out Unlicensed, available now only at Audible.com.