240 - He Is Holding a Knife

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't gotta know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvell.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Summer is turning to fall, which frankly, rude of summer to do.

But don't worry, Quince is here with fall staples that will last for many falls to come.

We're talking cashmere, denim.

This is quality that holds up at a price that you frankly just won't believe.

We're talking super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters, which sounds like the kind of item that you need a credit check to even imagine, and it starts at just $60.

Plus, Quince partners directly with Ethical Factories, so you get top-tier top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price.

I got an adorable dress for my daughter, which she helped pick out.

She wore it at her first day of school.

She loves that dress.

It has pockets, if you know, you know.

I also got myself a mulberry silk sleeping mask, and every night since has been a luxury, I have never gotten better sleep than with mulberry silk draped upon my eyes.

Experience what it must be like to be wealthy without having to, you know, have a bank account that doesn't make you wince when you check it.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash nightfail for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's quince.com/slash nightfail.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash nightfail.

Lend me your ears.

I need ears.

Give them to me.

I'm taking those ears, bud.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Hello, listeners, and we have a great show today for...

Oh, uh.

Hold on.

Sorry, I just got an urgent call from Tamika Flynn.

She's been watching the boy we found in Grove Park, the one who does not remember his name or where he came from.

Mostly, he's been well-behaved, but lately, she's been troubled by his behavior.

And just now, she called me to tell me that he is holding a knife.

What do you mean he is holding a knife?

I asked.

Like I said, a knife.

He is holding one, she said.

Did he get it from the knife show we went to last month?

I asked.

No, you can get knives from more places than knife shows, she said.

Well, is he threatening you with it?

I asked.

No, she said.

Does it look like he might hurt himself or others with it?

I asked.

No, she said, but he is holding a knife.

Tamika, I apologize, I said.

We've been friends a long time, but I'm not sure what you want me to do with this information.

I don't know either, she said.

I don't know what any of us should do, but I know that he is holding a knife, and that can't mean anything good for any of us.

Well, on to the news.

Pullavan and Lakshmi Mahala, whose family used to run the VHS rental annex in the Ralphs back in the 90s, reached out to say that they are now ready to let go of their vast collection of VHS tapes.

They have been holding on to it for all these years in memory of their parents, but they realize now that memory lives in the heart, not in the house, and that it is time to empty out their closets of these useless plastic cases.

All of the tapes will be available on their lawn today.

after which the rest will be donated to the town dump, where the masked garbage eaters hopefully will enjoy them during their night frenzies.

This tape collection is state-of-the-art and includes all the latest hits, such as Jurassic Park and Honey, The Kids Are Morose.

There are also some really rare finds in there, like Nightvale resident actor Lee Marvin's first performance as Douglay Dougson in the nearly forgotten Western, The Cows, Stan, the Cows.

Get on down there before the tapes are gone or before Pullavan and Lakshmi realize that this was a foolish idea, that they are throwing away the last remnants of their parents' legacy and start frantically pulling the tapes out of your hands, shouting, let go of mommy.

We'll keep you updated on how it goes and oh.

Oh, okay, sorry.

Give me a second.

Tamika Flynn called back to let me know that she has lost sight of the boy.

You don't know where the boy is?

I asked, a tremor in my voice.

No, she said, her voice as steady as ever.

When When you last saw him, was he still holding a knife?

I asked.

Oh yes, she said.

He has been holding the knife this whole time.

Are there any clues as to where he could have gone?

I asked.

He has been writing in a journal, she said.

I read it to see if it would point me to his location, but all it said was, who am I, over and over again in radically different handwritings.

If I didn't know better, I would say that this was all written by different people, but I think it is just one person trying out different versions of the person he could be.

And now you don't know where he is, I said.

Correct, she said.

And he is holding a knife, I said.

Oh yes, she said.

Oh yes.

More soon, I hope.

Very shortly.

I hope.

Big news in the world of paper-based communication.

The Nightvale Post Office is reopening again.

Last time it reopened, it was full of strange cloaked figures and caused a wave of dizziness and nausea to anyone who dared to approach.

But that's all been fixed, says the Nightvale Postmaster, who refuses to reveal their identity and puts all announcements on an old Metallica IRC under the username Metal Enjoyer 9.

That's all been fixed, they said, and now you can send physical letters through the mail if you're a sicko who is into that sort of thing.

Or if you are a roleplayer pretending it is the antiquated era of 1980.

Whatever you decide to do, the postmaster continued, good luck out there, then logged off and deleted their account.

Patrons at the newly refurbished post office say that it seems to look a lot like the old one, which is fine with them.

I don't need much from the post office, said Larry Leroy, who had come in from the edge of town to see what all the fuss was about.

He continued, As long as I can come in whenever I'm hungry and buy some stamps to snack on, I'm happy with it.

Lakshmi Mahala called in to let me know that she has spotted the boy.

He passed their VHS giveaway and stopped to look at some of the titles.

She's looking at him right now.

He is holding a knife.

He grabs a tape, seemingly at random.

It is Beverly Hills Cop, that movie about a cop who discovers that the police, as an institution are essentially just another form of organized crime, acting as a violent parasite on city budgets, and so retires to instead get into a non-corrupt, people-friendly business like running a movie studio.

Is this one good?

The boy asks.

He is holding a knife.

I like it, Lakshmi says.

That's not the same as it being good, is it?

the boy says.

I suppose not, Lakshmi says, but, she continues, if you remove human subjectivity from the equation, then no movie is good or bad.

The quality of a movie only exists when a person experiences it.

Until then, the movie is nothing at all.

That's true, the boy says.

Hey, can you tell me how to get to Carlos Robles' lab?

Sure.

Lakshmi says, and points down the street to the strip mall where my dear husband and Nightvale's preeminent scientist does his important work.

The boy thanks her and walks in the direction of the lab.

He is holding a knife.

I have warned Carlos and hopefully he locks everything down and stays safe.

I can't stand to think what could happen to him with this boy.

I do not trust this boy.

More soon on the boy, I am sure.

Exciting developments in the local restaurant scene as Gino's Italian dining experience and grill and bar unveiled plans to add a second bar in the back as an event space, renaming themselves Geno's Italian Dining Experience and Grill and Bar and Bar.

We believe in good, honest food and good return for our rapacious investors, said head chef Daniel Daniels.

If we don't bump up return on investments for these vultures, they are going to absolutely devour us.

Just like you'll be devouring our new chicken picata special, Daniels concluded, glancing at the windows nervously.

Local diners expressed enthusiasm about this new development, saying things like, wow, cool, and I like Italian food okay, and if this doesn't work out for them, I'll torch the place.

It's worth more to me as ashes.

So, excitement in the community sure seems high.

Geno's also understands that today's dining is all about appealing to social media influencers by serving flashy-looking dishes that do not taste good, but make people stop mid-scroll to wonder why anyone would think of cooking that.

Toward this end, they are introducing the deconstructed calamari, which is a live squid served to your table with a knife and a deep fryer.

And the tossed risotto, which is hurled at you overhand from the kitchen door, and whatever you catch is whatever you get.

Nightvale has never been much of a culinary destination, but it sure sounds like that's changing.

Carlos called.

The boy is at his lab.

He is holding a knife.

Carlos is looking at him right now.

The boy asks Carlos to show him any experiments that have to do with the other desert world.

Carlos takes him to the window they have opened that allows them to observe, at times, some part of that parallel universe where once Carlos was trapped.

So far they have seen no movement, but they do not have comprehensive coverage, only tiny glimpses of dunes and ruins and a distant lighthouse barely visible through the sand-whipped air.

The boy stares intently into that other world as though trying to discern a message in its senselessness.

Then Carlos shows him the samples they have managed to bring back from that other world using probes and other highly advanced techniques like holding his breath and reaching through the portal to grab some.

The boy runs the sand through his hand.

It's so beautiful, he says.

The secret of science, says Carlos, is that so much of it is beautiful.

Thank you for showing me, the boy says.

He is holding a knife.

You're quite welcome, says Carlos.

I want you to feel like you can always drop in if you need to.

Oh,

that won't be necessary anymore, the boy says, and leaves.

Thankfully, Carlos is quite safe, but he lost sight of the boy, and so we have no idea where the boy is now.

Be on the lookout for a boy, wherever boys might be.

Paulov and Mahala called saying that they have finally gotten rid of the last of their parents' VHS collection, when Lee Marvin himself came by to pick up the rare tape featuring his first film appearance, The Cows, Stan, The Cows.

Lee told them that the studio never gave him a copy of that film and that he had been unsuccessful in finding a copy ever since.

He asked if they wanted to hear some funny behind-the-scenes stories from the set, and they said yes, and he said, too bad.

It was a miserable week, and we were all glad to see it behind us, and then marched glumly off.

That's that classic Lee Marvin charm we've all come to know and love.

I asked Pullavin if he feels better now that the tapes are gone.

Yes, he told me, I feel lighter.

His voice sounded lighter too.

He no longer sounded weighed down by legacy, but instead buttressed by fond memory.

I think your parents would be proud of you, I told him.

Thank you, he said.

I think they would too.

Oh, he added, I saw the boy.

I asked him where, fairly urgently, and he said, he is heading right for you.

He is holding a knife.

Well,

the boy is approaching the station.

He is holding a knife.

I am looking at him right now.

He has a determined face and a long stride.

He no longer looks so young.

Visible in the last bit of baby fat on his cheeks is the man he will someday become, and it is a man who is familiar to me.

The sight of him makes me sweat on my hands and my cheeks and my scalp.

He is so calm and determined and he is coming right for me.

He is holding a knife.

There is nowhere I could run that the boy could not follow and would not follow and will not follow.

I have little time to prepare.

Already I hear his small but powerful hand rapping on the station door.

While I go to open that door and hopefully to return afterward, have a quick glance at this weekend's weather.

Hey, it's Jeffrey Kraner with a a word from our sponsor.

You're on a desert island, but not a deserted island.

Someone else is there.

Something else is there.

In the water, surrounding you lurks a mythical beast with two large eyes and many long arms.

You're just now hearing of this beast, but you're not afraid because you don't plan to swim.

Though that water looks nice, you're good at talking yourself into things, and soon you are in the sea, frolicking and splashing.

You even squeal, thinking you're all alone.

But you forgot what I just said.

You're not alone.

Something wraps itself around you.

It lifts you high in the air, waving you about at dizzying heights.

You look down and see the mythical kraken.

You start to scream, but in its other tentacles are bottles of kraken black spiced rum and kraken gold spiced rum.

I love kraken rum, you say.

It's bold, smooth, and made with a blend of spices.

You high-five the beast as it sets you back down on the island, along with the bottles of kraken rum.

It winks and tells you kraken rum is ideal for Halloween cocktails and disappears back into the dark, briny depths.

Visit the official sponsor of Welcome to Night Vale, Kraken Rum.com to release the Kraken this Halloween.

Copyright 2025, Kraken Rum Company, Kraken Rum.com.

Like the deepest sea, the Kraken should be treated with great respect and responsibility.

You chose to hit play on this podcast today.

Smart Choice.

Progressive loves to help people make smart choices.

That's why they offer a tool called Auto Quote Explorer that allows you to compare your progressive car insurance quote with rates from other companies.

So you save time on the research and can enjoy savings when you choose the best rate for you.

Give it a try after this episode at progressive.com.

Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates.

Not available in all states or situations.

Prices vary based on how you buy.

Be calm, the boy says.

He is holding a knife.

I won't hurt you, the boy says, or at least I don't want to, and I haven't yet.

But past performance is not a predictor of future results.

He holds the knife in his right hand.

He holds a smile on his face.

He holds still for now.

I only want to tell my side of the story, the boy says, without apology or interruption.

Everyone wants something from me.

I only want to want something for myself.

He cocks his head to one side.

He glances to the other side.

His hands are remarkably steady.

Please don't make this difficult.

Please don't make me make this difficult, the boy says.

I wouldn't want this to be difficult for anyone.

It will be.

It will be so difficult for so many people, but I don't want that.

He sits down across from me.

He sweeps his hand across the table in a gesture only understood by him.

His breath smells of wild raspberries and black licorice.

I am speaking now to the radio audience of Nightvale, the boy says.

To all listeners listening.

To everyone, I suppose.

To all of you.

He leans into the microphone.

He holds the cord in his left hand.

His lips are dry.

His eyes are wet.

I want you to know, the boy says, and then stops.

He isn't sure what he wants us to know.

He thinks about it.

I want you to know more, the boy says.

I want you to know more about me, the boy says, because I want to know more about me, and I have come to believe that the only way to know more about me is if we all learn together.

My back is to the wall of the studio.

The boy is between me and the exit.

He studies me with calm eyes and a quivering mouth.

He is holding a knife.

Please don't be afraid, the boy says.

You have every reason to be afraid, but I would prefer it if you weren't.

It just will make it much easier if you weren't afraid.

Finally, I reach for my only weapon, my voice.

It has been hiding in my fear, but I draw it now.

I know who you are.

He looks excited, childlike again, like a boy offered a toy.

You do?

Yes, I say.

It was only just now, studying you that I realized it.

I cannot say say that I understand it, but I have become comfortable with not understanding what I know to be true.

One can't live a lifetime in Nightvale without reaching that peace.

What is my name?

The boy says.

You know your name, I say.

Yes, the boy says, but I don't know what it means.

Like I said, You'll have to become comfortable not knowing what anything means, I say.

Now say your name.

And the boy says, My name is Kevin.

He is holding a knife.

He takes the knife and sets it against the microphone cord, and with one smooth and easy motion, he cuts the cord.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Dispirition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

The voice of the boy is Kevin R.

Free.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Lagoon by Hello Tut Tut.

Find out more at hello tuttut.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter if you're still there at nightvale radio and on Instagram at nightvaleofficial.

We now have a tick tock at nightvaleofficial as well for ticks and talks.

Most importantly, check out welcometonightvale.com where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

You can learn about things like our new live show, The Attic, which tours the western United States in January and Europe in March.

Today's proverb, before you judge someone, walk a mile.

It doesn't actually matter whose shoes you're in.

The walk just clears your head so you can feel nice and calm while you judge them harshly.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone.

From Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unspooled wherever you get your podcast.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Loveland and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.