237 - Frown Night

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live US plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

If you're dying for the next batch of Wednesday

The Wednesday Season 2 official Woecast is already here.

Dive deeper into the mysteries of Wednesday with the Ultimate Companion Video Podcast.

Join the frightfully funny Caitlin Riley along with her producer, Thing, as she sits down with the cast and crew.

Together, they'll unravel each shocking twist, dissect the dynamics lurking beneath, unearth Adam's family lore, and answer all of your lingering questions.

Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

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The Wednesday season 2 official Wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

Tonight is the magical night where we light a squash on fire and lie to people about who we are.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs 2.

Happy frown night, Desert Bluffs 2.

The scariest night of the year when we are allowed to turn our smiles upside down.

Now, usually for these special holiday shows, I have my friend Lauren Mallard joining me.

But I haven't seen her for years.

Ever since her mismanagement of the Mudstone Abyss Construction Project, which was the same night she was deposed as mayor.

I miss Lauren.

Well,

guess it'll just be me today.

And honestly, it's nice to be able to talk about this special day, all by myself.

Hi, Kevin.

Oh, smiling God!

Oh.

Lauren!

I didn't even hear you come in.

How you been, pal?

It's been too long.

Fine.

Um

and

you look great.

As always, you always look great.

You're glowing.

Literally.

There's light radiating from your head.

Oh,

that's because I got a new job.

I'm now High Priestess of the joyous congregation of the Smiling God.

Did you go to school to become priesthood is bestowed upon the chosen, Kevin.

The Smiling God spoke, and i'm the high priestess now congratulations

i'm speechless lore

i mean

madam high priestess we're old friends call me mother lauren welcome to my show mother lauren our show

We do the show together.

It's a holiday special after all.

And I want to wish you and all our listeners a very happy frown night.

Of course.

And it looks like you've already painted on your frown, Mother Lauren.

You must be very excited for this day.

Seems like you've forgotten, Kevin.

That's just how my face looks now, after what the angry mob did to me.

After I was removed from my position as mayor of Desert Bluffs 2, which only happened because you didn't like the work I was doing on the Mudstone Abyss.

So, I have a tattooed frown all the time.

Everywhere I go, I have to tell people no.

Look at my actual lips, my actual teeth.

I am smiling.

I am.

I am.

Please believe me.

And they do because I am in the high priestess of the joyous congregation of the smiling God and they weep when they see my eyes.

The smiling God must have chosen me because I have suffered so greatly.

Only those who have been to the bottom can rise to the top, and only those who understand suffering may righteously demand suffering.

So no, this isn't makeup.

It's permanent.

It's what my face looks like after all that.

It seems maybe you've forgotten.

Of course, the frown isn't my real mouth, see?

I'm smiling with my actual lips and teeth.

Look,

you're not looking.

I'm opening my mouth to you, and you're closing your eyes, Kevin.

Look at these teeth and tell me I'm not happy.

You're very happy, Mother Lauren.

Thank you for sharing your pleasure with me.

Great.

Let's talk about Frown Night, Kevin, old friend.

Are you dressing up for the occasion?

Of course!

As a child, I loved dressing up for Frown Night.

The costumes are my favorite part.

One year, I dressed up as the concept of ennui.

Everyone was so frightened when they saw me.

Another year, I went as an elderly divorcee.

And this year, I'm going as Daniel Day-Lewis.

Oh, that's a good one.

But I do wish he'd smile more.

What about you?

I have a standard headdress made of pig's teeth that I have to wear for all religious holidays.

Plus the golden robe that covers my entire body, so no costumes for me anymore.

But a few years ago, I had a great outfit for Frown Night.

I went as massive corporate layoffs.

Everyone was so upset.

My favorite part of Frown Night isn't just the costumes, though.

It's going door to door trying to make other people frown.

If you succeed, they give you candy, and if you don't, they give you something that looks exactly like candy, sealed up in official-looking candy wrappers to the point where it looks like real candy, but it's actually fish.

Oh,

who doesn't love going door to door and shouting, Saab or COD,

with your shoulders slumped, eyes downturned?

It's every kid's favorite night of the year.

I remember as a child, when Frown Night ended, I'd take my bag of loot and sit on the highest highest level of the lighthouse.

Oh, the one at the top of the mountain?

Of course that one!

Where else would you put a lighthouse, Lauren?

I was thinking it might be the lighthouse in Dust Valley, next to the abandoned submarine.

Or the one in the frozen food section at Vaughn's?

No, never those.

I liked the one on top of the mountain the best because the light still works and under the spinning lamp I would open my bag, carefully pulling out each piece of candy.

Snickers, Reese's, Manischevitz, Pep Boy's generic store brand.

All the classics.

And then I would smell each one, making sure it wasn't warm, uncooked halibut or tilapia.

Oop, tilapia was the worst, always.

There was an old lady on my street who made giant popcorn balls out of tilapia and canned hominy.

Oh, they look so delicious, but if you bit into them without smelling first, you'd have stomach pains for weeks.

It's all part of the spirit of Frau Night.

Sure is.

In fact,

shall we tell the story of Fraun Knight?

We shall.

Many years ago, in a small desert town, there lived the Schlecht family.

There was Mr.

Schlecht, Mrs.

Schlecht, sister Schlecht, brother Schlecht, and even their dog, who was a basset hound named Malo.

They were very, very mean, and they went around making everyone else very, very unhappy.

The Schlecht did not smile.

The Schlech believed only in smiling when they felt happy, which was not all the time.

Not all the time.

That's a long way to say never, Lauren.

You always have such good grammar tips, Kevin.

Nothing makes me happier than hearing about errors in my speech.

The best way to improve oneself is to hear about your imperfections from others.

Not only did the Schlechts refuse to smile all the time, they did other horrendous things, like refusing to hold the door for other people, even though those people were within 400 yards of the entrance.

One day, while visiting a bakery, a place with nothing to offer but happiness, Mr.

Schlecht ordered a strawberry tart.

But when the tart came, he said,

I'm sorry, this is a banana fudge sickle, and that's not what I ordered.

How rude!

He didn't.

He did.

And when they brought him the strawberry tart, you know what he said?

He didn't say, praise the smiling God and may happiness swallow you whole?

No.

Mr.

Schlecht said nothing.

He just nodded and left.

No smile.

No fealty to our blessed devourer.

Ooh,

this is such a scary story.

I love it.

But let's talk now about tonight's costume contest at the rec center.

Before you go out tonight's sob or codding, friends, make sure you stop by the rec center at 6 p.m.

and show off your scariest frown.

It's the one night a year where all frowns are legal and you can even win prizes.

First place gets dental surgery.

It's not free, but it's mandatory, which is pretty much the same thing.

Second place gets driven out into the desert and left there.

Third place gets shunned.

But don't worry, I'm sure you can do do better than third place.

Okay, let's get back to our story about the Schlecht family.

I want to add that the Smiling God loves all its children, no matter what, unless you're shunned.

If your community doesn't want you, the Smiling God doesn't either.

So make sure you get one of the top two spots in the costume contest.

And now,

back to the story of Frown Night.

One day, Mrs.

Schlecht told her, Lauren, um, mother, Lauren, where did you go?

I'm here.

I can't see you.

Your chair is empty, but I hear your voice.

I'm with you.

I'm always with you, my child.

Continue with your story.

You have my blessing.

Thank you for your blessing.

But also, it's my radio show, so I'll continue either way.

Of course.

Free will does seem real, doesn't it?

So...

One sunny day, Mrs.

Schlecht saw her neighbor, Ms.

Felice, outside on her lawn.

Ms.

Felice said, Smiles upon you, Mrs.

Schlech.

How are you on this happy day?

And Mrs.

Schlecht said, you know, Tina, it's been hard.

Jonathan and the kids and I don't feel like we fit in.

Everyone is always so happy.

Everyone is always smiling.

And sometimes we feel lonely and unfulfilled because we do not feel happy every second of every day.

As Mrs.

Schlecht finished saying this, Ms.

Felice clasped her hands to her mouth to cover her shock.

It's only polite, of course, to cover your mouth when you're not smiling.

Meanwhile, sister and brother Schlecht were playing a baseball game with some of their classmates at the park.

Brother Schlecht was hit in the head by a fly ball and he began to cry.

His older sister ran to him and held him.

She wept too, knowing that he felt such pain.

The other players stared in disbelief at such a vulgar display of sadness, and they ran home to tell their parents, who told their friends.

Soon, everyone in town was terrified about what to do about this very sad family.

As the prophet Rick O'Malley once said, Cheer up, y'all.

You're back!

I've been here the whole time, Kevin.

But you...

But you...

Don't be silly.

I'm everywhere now.

It's my job.

Sometimes I'm not visible, but I can see all and do all.

As High Priestess, I must be the eyes and ears of the Smiling God.

It demands that I report back to it what everyone is doing and thinking and feeling.

So you keep a...

what?

A spreadsheet of people who do bad things and good things?

No, that's the holy accountant's job, Kevin.

I'm the High Priestess.

I'm a much higher pay grade than a bookkeeper.

But I do keep track of those things in my mind.

Can I ask

not even a hint as to how the smiling god sees me?

I'm only allowed to tell people happy news, and if I told you what the smiling god really thinks of you, you'd become sad, and the smiling god does not like it when you're sad, so

no.

Finish your story, Kevin.

The schletz were making the entire town sad, and no one knew what to do about it.

You know, when I think someone is feeling sad, I won't talk to them again for months, maybe years.

It's important to give people space.

Isn't that what you do, Kevin?

It does sound like an emotionally mature response.

One day, the Schlechts went too far.

They were feeling so lost and confused that they decided to hire a family therapist.

Oh, that sounds like a good idea.

No, not shock therapy.

Talk therapy.

No!

Yes!

Kevin, talk therapists just let you feel your sadness.

Get in touch with it.

That's a mortal sin.

Talk therapy was illegal in town and still is to this day.

In fact, all mental health services are illegal because you shouldn't be allowed to charge someone money to help them feel better when smiles are naturally free.

Amen.

Unbeknownst to the Schlechts, their family therapist was actually an undercover officer.

It was part of a sting, and the entire Schlecht family was arrested, even the basset hound Malo.

And they learned their lesson and began to smile all the time, because prison is the only way to reform criminal behavior.

99% of the time, yes, but not in this case.

The Schlechts grew even sadder in jail.

Even from behind stone walls and metal bars, the whole town could feel them frowning.

It was unbearable, and they knew they had to do something.

More on this spooky Frown Knight story, but first, the weather.

It was summer school,

but he brought me to church.

Laid out like a girl

on my mother's

couch

And the whole world stepped on that July

night

When the rules that we learned diverged from our lives

After work on the town we kissed As the sun got low

when the light was all gone

and the square emptied

out.

You reached for my hand

and put it under

your blouse.

My heart skipped a beat

when you opened my

mouth,

and the whole world stopped on that July

night.

And I prayed for the first time out loud in 17 years of life.

Mother,

forgive me,

Mother,

you knew,

Mother,

there's something

I've got to tell you.

Johnny Mitchell at dawn,

who could

forget

and dancing and merriments

in their back

room

when the music stopped

on that July

night,

we kept singing out loud as we could.

We kept singing for life

when the music

stops

on a Julien night.

We sing for ourselves,

we sing for our lives,

we sing for ourselves,

we sing for our lives.

Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was queer.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's gonna tell you the truth.

How do I present this with class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veeep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We come together to host Unschooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, From Grease to the Dark Knight.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Listeners, Lauren's gone again.

Still here.

Just because you can't see me doesn't mean I can't see you, Kevin.

I take it back.

Lauren's always here.

Mother, Lauren, please.

And finish your story, child.

Mother, Lauren, yes.

So, the town knew they had to help the Schlechts, and they rallied together like any good community would when one of their flock was suffering.

The whole town showed up at the jail one night, and they broke in and fed the schlech candy.

Candy always makes people happy, and it worked.

Hooray!

30 minutes later, the schlechs were sad again, complaining about something they called a sugar crash.

I don't know that phrase.

It sounds Latin.

Were the schlechs trying to chant a curse on the town?

The candy having failed, the town hired the famous clown Paliachi to entertain the schlech.

It would be hard not to feel joy and peace when a clown visits you unexpectedly in a locked room.

But the schlech only screamed in horror at Paliachi's famous routine where he stands motionless at the end of a long, darkened corridor.

Oh, goodness, that's adorable.

It is.

But for some reason it caused the Schlechts to shiver in fright.

At this point, the town had only one plan left.

They grabbed the Schlechtz and pinned them down.

Using house keys and fingernail clippers and whatever else they could find in their homes, the whole town carved smiles into the Schlechtz' faces.

But this failed too.

As the Schlechtz wailed and moaned about the pain.

Of course they did.

They were all out of ideas.

But then, they remembered the lessons of their divine devourer, the smiling God.

The word is the truth.

They carried the schlech to the river of joy and baptized each one of them by pushing their faces into the rushing, muddy sludge of the water.

And it was a success!

The schlech were no longer frowning.

Praise to the beast with a thousand legs and a thousand and one teeth.

Yes, Mr.

Schlecht, Mrs.

Schlecht, Sister Schlecht, Brother Schlecht, and even the Basset Hound Malo each sank deeper and deeper into the thick river until they were all gone.

Their souls were delivered down into the fiery depths of love and compassion.

And every year on this night, what we now call frown night, we paint our faces with frowns and dare each other to make us sad.

And if we fail, we're given fish flesh in candy wrappers.

It's important that we face our greatest fear, and that is sadness.

And it's important that we face our pasts too.

The story of the Schlex is not always a happy one, but we must make amends for the wrongs of history.

Of course.

Because to ignore our past is to destroy our future.

I hope you don't have anything in your past that you've not atoned for, Kevin.

No, I'm good.

Of course, you are.

Well, I'm going to wear my tattooed frown to the costume contest now.

It's not a tattoo I ever wanted for myself, and it was certainly not a punishment that I deserved, but yet, like all things in earth and sky, it makes me very, very happy.

May your future be all smiles, my child.

And with that, she's gone.

Still here.

Still everywhere.

Don't forget it.

Stay tuned next for a hissing crowd celebrating a third place finish.

And as always,

until next time, Desert Bluffs 2.

Until next time.

Welcome to Desert Bluffs 2 is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Lauren is Lauren Sharp.

The voice of Kevin is Kevin R.

Free.

Original music by Disparition and Joseph Fink.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com and josephfink.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was Summer School by Erin McYown.

Find more, including her podcast, Facts of Life, from which this song came, at the link in our show notes.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcome to nightvale.com, or follow us on Twitter, I guess, at Night Vale Radio, and on Instagram at Night ValeOfficial.

We now have a TikTok and a Tumblr as well, both at Night Vale Official.

Most importantly, check out welcome to Nightvale.com, where we have a twice-monthly mailing list that is the best way to keep up to date directly from us to you.

You can learn about things like our brand new live show, The Attic, touring throughout the rest of the year and in 2024.

Today's proverb: it turns out that you don't have to wait until Halloween.

Any night of the year, you can knock on a stranger's door and demand a treat under the threat of a trick.

They just won't react well at all.

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're going to be up in the northeast, in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there, and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the night veil new kid alike.

So feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey,

see you soon.