223 - Big Rico's Pizza Band

Hey y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the West Coast plus the Southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

Speak of the devil,

spit at a wizard,

drink with a ghost.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Our top story, obviously, is that after being closed for remodeling, Big Rico's pizza is back, baby!

Wow, doesn't it seem like they've been closed forever?

Does to me, but it has only been one month.

And of course, a month is forever to certain species of insects who live and die within the span of 30 days: egg, larva, pupa, adult, breeder, corpse, dust.

All in the time it takes to remodel a pizza parlor.

One of nature's little miracles.

I have here a description of everything you can expect to see at the new and improved Big Rico's Pizza.

Or as they are now called, Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone.

That's right.

Big Rico's is serving up steaming hot slices of entertainment in addition to their famously satisfactory pizza.

Customers can look forward to a classic Big Rico's atmosphere paired with a greater emphasis on family fun.

Updates include a ball pit, a snake pit, a second ball pit with a few snakes hidden in it, whack-a-mole, and an animatronic rock band called the Table Scraps.

Oh my god, I love animatronic pizza bands.

I wish you all could see the promotional photos.

These little guys are so cute.

Ah!

Okay, let's see.

I have their band bio here.

Rodney Rat, Pasha Possum, and Chrissy Cockroach are the table scraps.

These party animals, oh, I get that one.

That's cute.

Use state-of-the-art AI technology to write their own songs and create their own fun dances, reacting in real time to their audience and also to the stock market ticker for some reason.

We haven't been able to work that bug out.

Anyway, unlike some entertainment pizza bands, they are totally not creepy at all.

No child looks upon their waxy visage and weeps.

No baby recoils in terror from their wildly jerking limbs or slowly blinking eyes.

No parent flees from the mechanical clack of cloth-covered jaws singing along with warped recordings.

The table scraps can turn any meal into an unforgettable jamboree.

Well,

I'm very excited about this news.

Oh yeah, Esteban's birthday is coming up, and Carlos and I have been wondering where we should have it.

Well, the grand reopening is happening right now, so head on down to check it out for yourselves, and please, report back.

Let's look now at the news.

Numerous townspeople have been raptured this week.

Like, way more than usual.

Oh, and to clarify, I'm using the verb rapture as shorthand for getting sucked into the sky.

We have no reason to believe there are any religious implications to it.

It appears to be exactly as meaningless as any other way to die.

Though, I'm not going to lie, it looks a little more exciting.

Just walking down the street, thinking about what to get for lunch, and whoop, up you go,

like a balloon accidentally released from a baby's hand, catapulting toward breathtaking oblivion in a clear blue sky.

Woof!

Ironically getting colder and colder the closer you get to the sun.

Thankfully disappearing from view before anyone below can witness the horrors of what happens to your body.

You know, I'd normally give the names and biographical details of those we've lost, but given the quantity,

that's all still being sorted out.

For now, I'll only say you were loved and you will be missed forever, whoever you are.

To those still with us, I would say stay safe out there, but individual behavior doesn't seem to matter on this one, so that's kind of a relief, huh?

Rules and precautions can get so tiresome.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Looks like we have some updates on Big Rico's grand opening.

Something that involves a lockdown and the fire department.

Well that seems like a bad combo.

But first, traffic.

There's a new stoplight at the intersection of Somerset and Maine.

It has one of those built-in cameras, so proceed with caution.

You won't get a ticket, but your picture will be published in a newsletter of bad drivers.

as part of the traffic department's new shame-first policy.

If you do stop at the light, please remember to resume driving immediately when it's your turn.

The blinking light can become hypnotic.

If you look at it for too long, you will forget things.

Where you're going, where you came from, someone's name right after you're introduced to them, your internet passwords, your car keys.

That one's especially important because, well, you're driving right now.

They're supposed to be in your ignition.

Now they're gone and you can't think of where they could possibly be.

People are lining up behind you, honking and shouting for you to go through the light.

You don't know what to do, so you put your hazards on.

They blink synchronously with the stoplight.

Red.

Red.

Red.

The cacophony of honking fades away.

The frenzied shouting and the angry sets of hands rocking at the the sides of your car are a distant thrum.

You haven't forgotten your keys and passwords and people's names.

You've transcended them.

They're inconsequential.

It's only you and the stoplight now.

Red.

Red.

Red.

This has been traffic.

Now back to the grand reopening of Big Rico's pizza and Entertainment Zone.

The fire department was called in by a neighbor who witnessed smoke and flames shooting from the windows.

My brother-in-law, Steve Carlsberg, is on the phone with the full report, live on the scene.

Go ahead, Steve.

Hi, Cecil.

I'm here at Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone, celebrating another big win for the basketball team.

Of course, I don't coach them anymore, but I overheard Coach Donaldson say this is where they were going to celebrate, so I came out to show my support.

They haven't arrived yet.

I might have heard her wrong.

Anyway, I just watched the performance of a lifetime, Cecil.

The table scraps are phenomenal.

I haven't seen a show like that since I was a teenager, when music was more meaningful because emotions were easier to access.

Unfortunately, they don't make music like they used to when my body felt good and my future was an open door to a sunny day.

New so-called music just sounds like I'm in my late 40s and have a job I don't like.

Ugh.

Okay, um,

what's happening with the fire, though?

Pyrotechnics!

It's all part of the Table Scraps Act.

The fire department call was a false alarm.

There were hardly any injuries, and the people who died were pretty old, so their deaths were probably unrelated.

They probably just gently passed away of old age while coincidentally being on fire.

And did I hear something about a lockdown?

Yep, the whole building locks down automatically when the table scraps start playing.

Then it unlocks when they finish their show.

It's part of Big Rico's new entertainment guarantee so the customers don't miss out on any of the fun, whether they want to or not.

Anyway, the doors are closing and security is coming to wrestle my phone away from me because the band's about to start their next set.

Hey, give me that one.

I gotta go, Cecil.

Thanks for the update, Steve.

Sounds like everyone is having a great time out there.

We'll check back with this story in a bit.

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Oh, I have an update on the rapture situation.

A series of anti-gravity experiments over at the community college may be to blame, which would make sense given that all the incidents occurred near campus while the experiments were being conducted.

But as my friends in the science department assure me, correlation does not imply causation.

Past performance is not a predictor of future results, as the old saying goes.

We can't assume a cause and effect relationship just because two events are totally related?

The science department is investigating the matter with an empirical study they hope to conclude in 3 to 30 years.

In the meantime, stay safe out there by doing whatever you want and hoping for the best.

See,

this is what real science is all about.

Dangerous, frightening experiments conducted on an unknowing populace with a vague aim and no clear end date.

Not like the so-called science over at a certain university.

I'm not saying which one,

but it rhymes with,

but pitfiz.

Now, listeners, a special treat.

Since the new animatronic band at Big Rico's is so popular, let's do a citizen spotlight on the table scraps lead singer, Rodney Ratt.

Rodney hails from an electronics factory in Milpitas, California.

He also hails from a puppet fabrication workshop in Brockton, Massachusetts.

His complex neural network allows him to translate observations and experiences into song lyrics for his band to perform.

Themes of his oeuvre include pizza, family, and the life of a working musician.

I have here the lyrics of one of his hit songs, Pizza for the Weekend.

In a dark room, in a strange town, little Billy eats pizza for dinner.

Eat a little, get a little older.

Mama made pizza, nobody made pizza, pizza for the weekend.

I run the streets.

Take a risk, break free.

You can float a pizza above the flames from a train.

Oh.

Oh, I wonder if that's where the pyrotechnics came in.

You know, maybe on that flames from a train park.

I mean, if not, that would be a great place for it.

See what I'm saying?

Rodney Ratt's bandmates are Pasha Possum, who plays guitar, and Chrissy Cockroach, who skitters around the stage using her long spiny legs as percussion.

They've technically known each other their entire lives, though AI has no concept of linear time.

Welcome to town, new robotic residents.

And now a look at education.

Cursive lettering will be banned in old Nightvale public schools.

Letters once flowing together in unity will now have to stand on their own, reflective of our strong, individualist society.

Those dang letters have gotten a free ride for too long, propping each other up, working together, never taking a minute to slow down and simply be.

What's the hurry, cursive letters?

Why so codependent?

Cursive letters are subservient little lemmings, and we are here to smash them apart by force if necessary.

PTA President Gordon Moreno spoke out at the last school board meeting.

He was met with cheers and applause, and the motion to ban was passed unanimously.

All denounce the conformist method of penmanship by voting exactly alike.

Any student found to be using cursive on or off school grounds will be expelled and made to watch the cursed videotape that was recently found in the janitor closet.

Everyone is just like super curious what happens when someone watches it, so you know, this seemed a great way to find out.

And now a disturbing update from the Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone Grand Reopening.

What was once a day filled with fun and laughter has descended into a scene of chaos and terror.

Children and families run for their lives but are unable to escape the locked building.

It's unclear exactly what the threat is, but I'm getting various panicked messages from those trapped inside.

They are coming for us, one frightened resident writes, while another says, in all caps, please God, make the music stop.

Several children who attempted to seek refuge in the ballpit disappeared beneath the colorful plastic orbs and are now considered missing.

The children children who sought refuge in the snake pit, however, are safely cushioned by vipers and doing well.

It sounds like things have taken a turn down there.

I wonder what went wrong.

You know, I'm calling Steve's phone, but there's no answer.

You know, while I try to get in touch with someone on the scene, let's go to the weather.

I can never seem to find my place here.

Go into hiding, keeping out of the rain.

I can never seem to find quiet.

These moss could get

any moment.

No grey.

It's the color of my face.

Oh, grey.

Unsure where to place my pieces.

Was goes on a journey.

Somehow I know who I am.

Searching for belonging among strangers in this land.

Someday I see clearer.

I'm surrounded by the warmth.

Quiet

my heart.

We don't need the words to know.

We don't need the words to know.

Maybe I just needed space from here.

Cause there was freedom when I looked at the sky.

Maybe something needs to change.

Fear,

I remember what I used to feel like.

Oh,

stay.

Cause I don't want you to leave.

Oh, stay.

When is my identity when I'm free?

Let's go on a journey.

Somehow I know who I am.

Searching for belonging among strangers in this land.

Someday I see clearer.

I'm surrounded by the warmth.

Quiet

my heart.

We don't need the words to know.

Give me a love.

give me love.

It's the prices,

it's the pricing.

Give me love,

give me love,

remind my senses.

You remind my senses.

I could put the baggage down and show up my heart.

This was so journey.

This was so journey.

This was so journey.

Somehow I know

I am

searching for the only

strangers,

strangers.

Some day I see clearer.

I'm surrounded by the warmth.

Let's go so journey.

Let's go song the journey.

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Vinyl booths slashed apart.

Stained glass lampshades shattered.

Red plastic pitchers of root beer tipped, cascading frothy waterfalls onto the carpet.

Pizza slices abandoned.

Something happened down at Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone.

Something bad.

And whatever it is,

it's still happening.

I've received several updates from Steve that the animatronic band, the Table Scraps, have gone on some kind of rampage and are holding everyone hostage.

He's currently hiding in the prize closet and doesn't want to talk on the phone in case they hear him.

Though he says they haven't stopped playing music the entire time, using their groundbreaking AI to incorporate the violence and terror seamlessly into their pizza-themed songs.

He's not sure if the robots are malfunctioning, but the manager is on hold with tech support to do some troubleshooting.

Meanwhile, Rodney Ratt is lighting things on fire, and Pasha Possum is ripping pizza boxes to shreds.

And Chrissy Cockroach is still just, you know, skittering around, but seems to be corralling the children into the arcade alcove.

The children are all crying but can't seem to stop singing along to the ceaseless music.

Oh, update.

Rodney Ratt has now imprisoned a teenage girl inside the walk-in refrigerator.

He is outside the door singing, you are the one we seek, over and over in the center of a ring of fire.

Oh, breaking news, listeners.

Officers from the Sheriff's Secret Police have arrived at Big Rico's, and they have successfully entered the locked building with their town skeleton key

huh didn't know that existed it's cool especially because it apparently is made from an actual skeleton although they won't say whose

while we wait to see how that goes here's a message from the man himself big rico goldblum you know i was wondering where he he's been during all this Let's see what he has to say.

Cecil, this is all a big misunderstanding.

The table scraps are only trying to protect the restaurant.

It started out with this buddy of mine.

I won't say his name, but he's a kingpin, you could say, down at the Cheesecake Factory.

We got to talking one night and he told me about all the trouble he was having with vandalism after hours.

And there was this experimental security guard program he was involved in developing called Cheesecake Factory Warriors.

Basically, he commissioned AI robots to act as night security for the restaurant.

They were made to look like typical nighttime animals so they could go undercover and apprehend wrongdoers.

Rat, possum, roach.

Great idea, right?

Fast forward a few weeks, and it turns out their security methods actually ended up escalating the destruction of property.

The cheesecake factory burned to the ground, as you may recall.

The bots were decommissioned after that and stored in the Rehabilitation Institute for Wayward AI and Pizza Animatronic Band Supply Depot.

That's where I picked them up.

And let me tell you, I got a great deal on them.

I guess part of their old programming is still in their systems, but they do mean well.

I hope this sheds some light on what happened today and doesn't deter anyone from enjoying our new entertainment facilities.

Remember, no one does a pizza like Big Rico.

No one.

No one.

No one.

Listeners, I'm getting reports that the imprisoned teenage girl has been released from the refrigerator and taken taken into law enforcement custody.

She is charged with tagging a bathroom stall in black Sharpie with a heart shape and the initials of herself and her boyfriend.

As we all know, this is a very serious offense.

Publicly written declarations of love are dangerous and illegal.

Writing utensils might have been decriminalized, but you

still can't just like blatantly use them in public.

I guess we all misjudged the table scraps.

scraps.

We should have never run screaming from their shrieking maws, their undulating appendages, or weaponized musical instruments.

They were only trying to keep us safe, after all.

Be sure to catch them down at Big Rico's Pizza and Entertainment Zone whenever it opens up again.

I imagine they'll be closed for repairs for at least another few life cycles of an insect, as they say.

Stay tuned for a one-hour interrupted rock block of boulders plummeting down a mountainside.

Tune out before they get too close.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale as a production of Nightvale Presents.

This episode was written by Bree Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Kraner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Steve Carlsberg is Hal Lovelin.

The voice of Nightvale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was On a Journey by Teresa Ombot.

Find out more at teresaomba.bandcamp.com.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio and Instagram at nightvaleofficial.

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