220 - A Radio Jupiter Holiday Special

Hey, y'all, it is Jeffrey Kraner speaking to you from the year 2025.

And did you know that Welcome to Night Vale is back out on tour?

We are.

We're gonna be up in the northeast in the Boston, New York City area, going all the way over to the upper Midwest in Minnesota.

That's in July.

You kind of draw a line through there and you'll kind of see the towns we'll be hitting.

We'll also be doing Philly down to Florida in September.

And we'll be going from Austin all the way up through the middle of the country into Toronto, Canada in October.

And then we'll be doing the west coast plus the southwest plus Colorado in January of 2026.

You can find all of the show dates at welcome to nightvale.com/slash live.

Listen, this brand new live show is so much fun.

It is called Murder Night in Blood Forest, and it stars Cecil Baldwin, of course, Symphony Sanders, me, and live original music by Disparition, and who knows what other special guests may come along for the ride.

These tours are always so much fun, and they are for you, the Die Hard fan, and you, the Night Vale new kid alike.

So, feel comfortable bringing your family, your partner, your coworkers, your cat, whatever.

They don't got to know what a night veil is to like the show.

Tickets to all of these live shows are on sale now at welcometonightvelle.com/slash live.

Don't let time slip away and miss us when we are in your town because otherwise we will all be sad.

Get your tickets to our live U.S.

plus Toronto tours right now at welcometonightveld.com/slash live.

And hey, see you soon.

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Guests include Emma Myers, Joy Sunday, Hunter Doohan, Steve Buscemi, Fred Armison, Catherine Zeta Jones, the Joanna Lumley, also show creators Al Goh and Miles Miller, and of course Wednesday herself, Jenna Ortega, plus many, many more.

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But beware, you know where curiosity often leads.

The Wednesday Season 2 official Wocast is available in audio and video on todoom.com or wherever it is you get your podcasts.

Think about treating people the way you want to be treated.

It's the thought that counts.

Welcome to Night Vale.

Well, we have a special surprise for you all today, listeners.

A holiday broadcast unlike any we've done before.

It's positively out of this world.

I say this because it was recorded in outer space.

Some of you might know Radio Jupiter, who lives near Grove Park.

She landed in our town earlier this year and has made herself a welcome and friendly presence.

She explains she's just happy to be a human amongst humans after so many years alone in the cosmos, a wanderer against her will.

During that lonely sojourn through the universe, she celebrated many holiday seasons on her own, and she has agreed to share the tapes of those celebrations with us all as a reminder that, however far-flung the human spirit, it still remains so beautifully, fragile human.

Here is the first of those tapes.

Hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Well,

I can hear me.

And I'm anyone.

If there's one thing that can be said about me, it's that I'm anyone at all.

This is Radio Jupiter, and it's that time of year again.

At least I'm pretending it is.

Every measure of time is attached to a solar system I don't exist in anymore.

What does a year mean without the Earth?

Without the sun?

How would you describe it to someone who only knows the vacuum of space?

No matter how esoteric our mathematics, they are hopelessly tactile.

Still the paws of apes scratching at the rock they call home.

Nevertheless, I can pretend to count time.

I can pretend that a year has passed.

I can pretend that time moves only forward.

that it never curves or bends or loops.

I can pretend a lot of things.

I have a very good imagination.

So it is that chapter of the year again

when humans respond to the cold outside by turning to the warmth of each other.

This is the season of huddling.

Oh, we call it other things,

write grand stories to justify.

But But ultimately, what we seek is touch

and the hot breath of another person on the side of our face.

This is a holiday of nerves-seeking nerves, a holiday of sensation.

It is huddling that we seek.

And I am alone.

And in space, it is always cold.

Heat comes from movement.

And nothing in this vacuum moves but me.

Because nothing exists to move but me.

I have no one to huddle with.

That is always a problem.

But it is most acute when I imagine that it is this time of year.

Satellite without referent.

That's me.

Orbiting and orbiting, but without center.

So,

okay.

I will have to be my own center.

My orbit will be around myself.

I will huddle with me.

It is not enough,

but I will make it enough.

More of this holiday cheer soon.

But first, a word from our sponsors.

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Now wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry, listeners.

This seems to be some kind of prank pulled on me by the ad department.

Making a sponsor message for a fake place?

We hold ourselves to higher standards, and I will be having some stern words with them about this joke.

Let's have a look now at stock tips.

There are many ways to be successful at stocks.

For instance, you can be lucky, or you can cheat.

Those are the two ways.

Luck is difficult.

Not impossible, but it does require some spells.

You have to wear a small bag around your neck stuffed with thistle and rosemary and burn the one thing in your life most precious to you.

And even then, half the time you just end up with your sourdough turning out perfect or getting Wordle in two, which if you think about it, is actually much more impressive than getting it in one.

You will say to everyone you know, even though they extremely do not care.

What I'm saying is, it's hard to aim luck.

So, your best bet is to cheat.

Fortunately, there are a ton of ways to cheat.

For instance, you can do some corporate espionage, find out information before it hits the open market, and then invest accordingly.

Or you can manipulate the markets, causing untold suffering and wiping out the entire economy for the sake of buying your third house.

If history tells us anything, and I hope it doesn't, you won't even get punished.

Now, the absolute best way to cheat, and doctors hate this one weird trick, is to join Congress.

Because there is no law against actively investing while in Congress, despite the fact that you will be constantly told secret information that will radically affect the markets.

And you could just make a ton of money on that info without any consequences because who's gonna pass a law against that?

You don't make me laugh.

Please don't make me laugh.

It hurts so terribly when I laugh.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh man!

Oh, I miss laughing.

Oh,

I miss it so much.

This has been Stuck Tips.

Let's get the next Radio Jupiter holiday tape going.

These are so festive.

Another holiday up here in the up here, beyond the beyond, where the limits of the human mind meet the limitless depths of space.

I have come to terms with my terms, I think.

Anything is tolerable if you choose to tolerate it.

Or I am choosing to believe that.

Every breath on this spaceship is one I have made before.

I am a cycle.

It all goes through me.

I am my own ecosystem.

I gave myself a present yesterday.

It was a surprise.

I took some paper from the desk and I grabbed something at random from the storage area with with my eyes closed and then wrapped it with the paper, eyes still closed.

So, I don't know what's inside.

Other than the clue of what my hands felt, but I did my best not to think about it much.

Let's see.

I did an okay job at wrapping, given that I wasn't looking at all.

It's kind of...

stapler-shaped.

When I shake it, it makes a little clinking sound.

Clink clink.

Clink clink.

Kind of festive in its own way.

Let's open it.

It's

not a stapler.

It's a sculpture done in a modern style of a man

weeping.

His torso is twisted and his face is buried in his hands.

I've never seen this sculpture before.

How did it get in my storage area?

Well,

what a surprise!

Not a nice surprise, exactly,

but after Eons, any surprise is nice in its own way.

The statue makes me upset,

Which is nice.

It's nice to feel anything.

I'm going to put it by my bed so I can see it when I wake up.

Maybe I'll be startled.

Can you imagine what a fun change of pace that would be?

Before we hear more from Radio Jupiter, It's time to hear more from Radio Cecil, which is a cool new nickname I just gave myself.

Feel free to call me Radio Cecil if you run into me at the Ralphs or in a dark, narrow stretch deep in the cave system they recently found in the sand wastes.

I think we have time for a quick horoscopes:

Aquarius?

No.

Aries?

Yes.

Cancer?

Yes.

Capricorn?

Maybe?

Gemini?

Absolutely not.

Leo?

Okay, sure.

Libra?

No.

Pisces?

Yes.

Sagittarius?

Yep.

Scorpio?

Definitely.

Taurus?

Definitely not.

Virgo?

Today is a good day for business decisions.

And this has been Horoscopes.

And now a public service announcement.

Do you know that car that was abandoned on Meerkat Lane?

The one with the rusted-out passenger door and the trunk that is half open, sort of inviting you to look inside to see what was left along with the car?

Well, a representative from the federal government would like to make clear that you do not see that car.

You have never seen that car.

If you are under the false impression that you are seeing that car, then you are having some sort of episode.

The best thing to do when having some sort of episode is to simply stop looking at the thing that you were not seeing.

There is no a car abandoned on Meerkat Lane, the government representative explained.

There may not even be a Meerkat Lane.

Hell, the representative said, leaning on the wall behind the ice cream shop, chewing on a toothpick, the question of whether you exist is still open.

Then the representative narrowed their eyes and said, Don't make us close that question.

Well, I don't know what car they're talking about, and neither do you.

No one knows anything.

This has been a public service announcement.

I hope you feel better informed.

But enough boring radio stuff.

Let's get that cheery holiday mood going.

I lost the statue.

I don't know how.

This is a sealed environment.

Nothing comes in.

Nothing goes out.

But it's gone.

Ah, well.

It really was very upsetting.

Perhaps it is better that it leaves me.

That's another year past.

I think.

I've lost track of even the counting, and so I just decide it is a season when my gut tells me so.

I don't have a guess to my birthday, and so I celebrate that whenever it feels like my birthday.

I have aged so

much.

There were months where it felt like my birthday every day.

I must have gone through a hundred years since the last holiday.

It's all arbitrary.

I'm a thousand years old.

I'm newborn.

This is Radio Jupiter, and I am beyond time and space.

Was the statue stolen?

Was there someone here to steal it?

I would like to meet someone.

Anyone.

Even if they are a thief.

Maybe they have their reasons.

Like, the statue was upsetting, and they enjoy being upset.

Sometimes I enjoy being upset.

It makes me feel like I have a goal.

You know?

Speaking of goals, I'm thinking it's time to make a change.

To make a plan.

To take action.

To make the hard choices, the tough decisions.

This is the season of taking stock.

Of looking back.

Of peering forward.

And this isn't working.

This here, life as I'm living it, isn't working.

Next holiday will be different.

I can promise you that.

Whoever you are,

I hope you like the statue.

Everywhere we humans go,

we bring our world with us.

There is no empty that is deep enough to swallow our life completely.

When the last of us huddle in a dying world,

one of us will tell a story, and another of us

will laugh.

And now,

the weather

whisper in the air, and I birth whispering.

I'm gonna be the wicked in your head Cause I've just went to thirst with my poison

I'm gonna be the rune of this land The only evil

I sharpened thongs around your neck The wound is certain

I'm gonna be the wicked in your head And I'm gonna be the wicked

I'm an eyebrow

in the air

inequality.

You are the very thing that rules me surrender.

Kiss on my heart with a kiss of that.

I've lost myself in those gloomy forests.

But

tell it which,

but

tell a witch.

She put a spell on me and now I'm cursed.

But

tell it which,

but

tell witch.

She put a spell on me and know

I'm accursed.

Who set the fire in this land?

Who set the fire?

I see a devil hiding here.

Cause the flames were momentous fire.

You're working through the only hell, there's no heaven.

You're gonna be a shimmer with me, but it too

set the fire.

You made me a man of inequality.

You are the very

thing that rules misery.

Cause it's all my heart with a kiss of that.

I've lost myself in those beautiful ass.

Cause it's all my heart with a kiss of that.

I've lost myself in those roomy forests.

But

dead witch, but

dead witch, she could have swelled me and know I'm cursed.

But

dead witch,

but

dead witch, she could have swelled me and now I'm cursed.

Cause it's all my heart.

Tell which with a kiss of that.

Tell me the trouble of myself.

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Ache after adventures,

admit ambition,

amaze

anyone

anyone

adequate amateur

apologies

breathtaking beauty,

Better beings.

Blaze.

Baubles, bulps, spangles.

Beyond Bermuda.

Beyond Betelgeuse.

Beautiful.

Cruel cosmic calendar.

Calm, cold calculation.

Chaotic cohesion.

Charting correct course.

Dreary distance.

Eternal emptiness.

Except Earth.

Gorgeous, generous, gaudy, glamorous, grand, gradual galaxies.

Goth giants.

Gaseous gods.

Hail.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm individual.

I'm impressive.

I'm instrumental.

I'm

inmate.

Just joking.

Jittery jollity.

Keep kind, kid.

Keep keen.

Learn language last.

Limit language.

Laughter lifts

like lightning.

Little lovely looks

like lightning.

Me, myself,

mostly me.

No natural neighbors, nearly nothing.

Not nothing, nothing.

Nothing-ish.

Oh, organic others.

Oh, observers.

Observe.

Okay?

Okay?

Past pretending.

Painful panic.

Perhaps people?

Please, perhaps, people.

Possible people?

Please.

Quiet.

Quite quiet.

Risking rudeness.

Risking riot.

Risking risk.

Seaward slips dead self.

Situation seized.

Turn about.

Take off.

Testament to transition.

Thinking

there's there.

Understandable underdog.

Uniquely unlucky.

Vast vessel

veering.

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Watch.

We will wander widely.

We will witness warm, wonderful world.

Xenophile

yelling yes,

yes,

zip, zip, zip.

We are a storytelling species.

Other animals use tools.

Other animals communicate.

Every division we try to throw up to separate ourselves from our animal kindred gets knocked down.

Except this.

Human beings have an insatiable drive to organize the world into narrative, both real

and unreal.

We are the only species to tell harmless lies that our audience knows are lies in order to delight and inspire.

What a heavy burden, the truth.

What a light gift, a fabulation.

A lie is a thing with feathers.

Radio Jupiter has come home to us, and we are grateful for her return.

She has taken up residence in the manor on the hill overlooking Grove Park.

She speaks speaks to no one, rarely ventures out, I think.

She is still recovering from her years of solitude and may need some time to return to us completely.

She should take all the time she needs.

But at night, I can look up and see the light in her window, and from that window, she can look down and see the lights of our windows.

The stars she sees now have human faces behind them.

I hope every day she feels a little less alone.

Because this is a time of year where we seek to feel less alone, whether by actual company or the nearness of strangers, or just a good story, well told.

From my understanding of the truth to yours, may your winter be just a little less alone.

Good night, Nightvale.

Good night.

Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents.

It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Radio Jupiter is Robin Virgini.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition.

All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode's weather was The Witch by Indra.

Find out more at linktree slash Indraofficial Music.

Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Nightvale Radio or on Instagram at NightvaleOfficial.

Or, you know, just sign up for our newsletter, please.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about the brand new show by the Night Vale team.

Unlicensed.

It is so very good.

Today's proverb.

Can you believe it's almost already 2021?

Wait, I'm being handed a note.

I'm sorry, what?

I'm Amy Nicholson, the film critic for the LA Times.

And I'm Paul Scheer, an actor, writer, and director.

You might know me from the League Veep or my non-eligible for Academy Award role in Twisters.

We love movies, and we come at them from different perspectives.

Yeah, like Amy thinks that, you know, Joe Pesci was miscast in Goodfellas, and I don't.

He's too old.

Let's not forget that Paul thinks that Dune 2 is overrated.

It is.

Anyway, despite this, we come together to host Unspooled, a podcast where we talk about good movies, critical hits, fan favorites, must-sees, and in case you missed them.

We're talking Parasite the Home Alone, from Greece to the Dark Knight.

We've done deep dives on popcorn flicks.

We've talked about why Independence Day deserves a second look.

And we've talked about horror movies, some that you've never even heard of, like Kanja and Hess.

So if you love movies like we do, come along on our cinematic adventure.

Listen to Unschooled wherever you get your podcasts.

And don't forget to hit the follow button.

Hi, I'm here to tell you about Good Morning Night Vale.

Welcome to Night Vale's official recap show and unofficial best friend food podcast.

Join me, Meg Bashwiner, and fellow tri-hosts, Hal Loveland and Symphony Sanders, as we dissect all of the cool, squishy, and slimy bits of every episode of Welcome to Night Vale.

Come for the insightful and hilarious commentary, and stay for all of the weird and wild behind-the-scenes stories.

Good morning, Nightvale, with new episodes every other Thursday.

Get it wherever you get your podcasts.

Yes, even there.